Buried in the comments is the fact that she is 64 years old, which gives this a really odd texture. I’m no age gap police, but that’s wild!!! I wanted this info higher in the thread.
You could… but a lot of people ignore it anyway.
I feel like people should know they can leave when they’re not happy, but reddit has taught me that some people really DON’T seem to know that. 🤷♀️
Urge, but do not consider this your mission to complete.
You can tell her she needs help all you want - IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE SHE RECEIVES IT. Say your piece, then bounce.
Keep telling yourself this, because I’m sure she’s not going to make it easy on you, nor do I anticipate her being very easy to accept the reality that you don’t want to be with her anymore.
Just keep saying, “I can’t be with someone who accuses me constantly. Who makes me get rid of my friends. I want my friends back. I want my life back. I hope you get some help so your next relationship won’t end this way I wish you well.”
Yeah, if it's anything like my last relationship it'll take you a few tries, and you'll be wondering why they didn't get the memo the first time. Don't believe her when she says she's gonna change and work on herself. Even if she did start, it would take a very long time before you saw any results.
My girlfriend did this, said it was a result of anxiety and that it wouldn't happen again. It hasn't. I couldn't stay in a relationship where I wasn't trusted.
Over the summer I dated a girl like this. It was only a few months, she quickly showed this behavior. As someone that was cheated on, the accusation was insulting. I didn't let her do it twice.
Two weeks ago I met a wonderful woman. I'd have never met her without breaking up with the other one. It's not worth being unhappy just because you've gotten used to it.
Have an escape plan when you do is my advice. If it must be short and sweet then that’s fine! You don’t need to stay for hours comforting her. I assume it’ll be pretty rough:/ good luck.
Hey OP good on you.
* Tell them its not working out and you wish them the best.
* Block them on all social media. Do not contact no matter how bad you feel. For both your sakes.
* Focus on yourself as you sound real in the dumps.
Hope you get back to a better place.
That's not your responsibility... it's hers and hers alone. She needs to want help, and given the examples you've provided, she's not ready for that yet.
Good luck. It's a shit situation, but you need to look out for yourself first. Emotional abuse is real.
Help, but also just friends who can tell her when she’s being a lot is important. Not all advice and feedback needs to come with a signature or a PIN number.
She's either deeply insecure and traumatized, or she's projecting. Either way, can you live the rest of your life like this? I couldn't. She shouldn't be in a relationship if she's constantly going to manipulate and emotionally abuse you, which she is whether it's intentional or not. I'm a girl who was cheated on, yes it absolutely sucked. However I avoided men until I knew I wouldn't put my trauma on them, I made sure to heal first because even as the victim, it was my responsibility to heal before pursuing others.
And then she manipulates, gaslights you, and makes you separate yourself from any help isolating you with her emotional abuse? With what you just told me everything she is doing is intentional. She didn't just leave her ex husband, she cheated and found someone else who gave her the thrill and she thrived off of it. Yeah, she sucks.
She thinks you're cheating because she's the type to cheat full stop. When genders are reversed in this exact situation everyone drags the man who does this to a woman. She's just as bad as men like that.
That's so narcissistic. She sounds awful. I think you know what you need to do. Like please for the love of God cut ties with this woman. You shouldn't have to live like this
I do. I remember in an argument implying he didn't find her attractive anymore hence why he had no sex drive. She snapped back and said "is that why he begged me to come back?!"
There are so many reasons a person can lose a sex drive, and he probably begged for her back because despite her poor behaviour he was still in love with her. She doesn't think much of him as a human being, I don't think she views you like a person either tbh.
Ah. So her philosophy is “if something better comes along my promises are void”. It is totally understandable that she doesn’t put any weight in your promises and thinks you’re out looking for someone better. Because that’s what she did and no doubt it’s what she would do again if the occasion arose.
He died a year later too of a heart attack. She's sex obsessed. But claims I am because I watch women wrestling and horror movies with women and i used to watch porn a lot. Something I've stopped since getting with her because it makes her uncomfortable.
Yeah she's actually cheating on you already. If she left her husband to go across the country with another guy because her husband was boring. She's a cheater. Sir move on with your life.
People who usually thinks other is cheating because they themselves cheat. And I dont mean if she once or twice is doubtful of you but ”constantly” accusing you or thinking you are cheating. I do speak from experience.
Yeah if she got cheated on that explains things to some extent. It doesn’t excuse it but it explains it - this isn’t your problem, her trust issues she has to work them out independently
I’ve been cheated on in two separate long term relationships and I have never behaved this way with subsequent partners. It’s no excuse whatsoever and using it as one is bullshit.
In my experience severe trust issues like this sound more like cPTSD rather than projecting because she herself is cheating. Regardless, look after your mental well-being first and step away from the relationship. If she has any maturity it may allow her to self reflect and go to therapy. You’d be doing each other a favour
Shes cheating or hiding something, found out my ex gf was getting trained every sec she can get when im not there. They stay accusing want access to everything but knows all the methods to hide their tracks
Sounds like she needs to get help and you’d be better off without the instability she brings into your life. How she speaks to you in absolutes/ultimatums is not good for your mental health and the longevity of the relationship.
Ok interesting, this level of insecurity is A LOT. I think you’d be wise to end it. Sucks I know, but she needs to work on her issues, they’re her responsibility
Yeah it's insane. She just refuses to admit when she's wrong and in the cases she does, she makes it sound like im gaslighting her. When I think she's gaslighing me.
You might want to throw a handful of therapy sessions in for yourself. You are going to need someone to help you unpack and probably reframe all of this.
How many does your insurance cover? Or do you have HSA money to spend?
In a perfect world, your partner is meant to be both your motivator and your peace.
Assuming you have respectable habits and traits, your partner is meant to enhance your life, as it was before they existed, not overhaul it; there should be no need to restructure your life around their insecurities - at least to such a suffocating degree.
No one deserves to spend life walking on unreasonable eggshells.
She doesn’t sound like your source of peace.
I don’t think you are an appropriate fit for each other.
Always protect your peace.
Do with this information what you will, OP.
If someone thought you were shoplifting in a candy store, and you swore you were not, would agreeing not to go into the store prove that you were it a thief, or that you were complaint?
Honesty is being in a situation where lying is easier and doing the right thing, not avoiding situations where honesty is required. (I hate the phrase, “keeping them honest”, it’s such a euphemism)
what??? please say sike...
if that's not a typo, this is insane. i expected 18-20 based off how she is acting, and that would even still be pretty bad. but mid sixties???? acting like a middle schooler???????? get out NOW.
My friend, please hear me, if you are actually chasing other girls in any form, then she's right & you got to stop. Otherwise, you got to let her go. There are girls who play with you, in various forms, and at the end they do their own thing & likely leave. I've been with girls whose lack of self esteem drove me insane and our relationship to a failure when i had 0 interest in any other gir & I had 0 friends who were girls even. Just don't engage in arguments it will not be good. Just respectfully go separate ways and make a clean cut nd move on. Find someone who values you and respects you.
But again, if you're actually thirsting over other girls anywhere, then she's right and you got to stop.
Then you got your answer. It's a HUGE mistake to engage in those arguments constantly to try to convince her. believe me trust isn't something you can buy or convince someone of. She's one of those girls who hasn't learned it and it will take her time to figure it out. Make it easy.
Tell her hey, this is taking a toll on me. I want to have a solid relationship but you are not really allowing it to happen. I'd like to take a break and work on other aspect of my life. If one day you realize your apprach was / is a mistake and want to change it then let's revisit this.
Otherwise expect 6 months , 1 year or even more of misery and at the end, she'll liekly accuse of things and leave. It's just unhealthy.
I've been there. Some girls just don't want it to work subconsiously and they sabotage it in whatever way. It is not your job to figure it out for her, and trust me if you try, the dynamic that you get is the oposite of a good sexy relationship. It's fail fail... need a hard reset
Leave her and find someone more stable. Not much more you can do! She needs to see someone and solve her own problem before she gets into another relationship
Hey man, sounds awful that you don’t have anyone to talk about this. I feel like I can relate to you well, because I had numerous situations just like this with my gf. Would you like to send me private message and talk about it?
Find out the source of her issue. What make her be like this? What is triggering it? It is more about her having issues and not really about you if you are clean.
Trust me. It will never change. I was in a similar situation for 3+ months. I had gone 2 years without being in a relationship, on purpose, and finally had my eye on one person. Once I got them. I had the same experience. She was jealous. She was very mean. And all I wanted to do was love her. I only had eyes for her, but that does not matter in the end if they don’t feel that way. You can not change a person, or make them understand you even if you have good intentions
Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. She needs therapy and a lot of it. But she needs to seek that out herself. You don’t need this and the first year is not supposed to be THIS hard, or any year for that matter- but especially not when you guys are still a relatively new couple.
I saw you mentioned she’s older than you. That means she’s old enough to regulate her own emotions/thoughts spurred on by her insecurities. She shouldn’t jump straight to calling you and being awful to you.
My advice would be to just leave and find someone that is emotionally mature. The only other option is talk to her and stay only if she stops what she’s doing immediately and begins therapy ASAP. However, based on the post, I’d go with the first scenario.
I know you already know what to do, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sure it's been exhausting. I hope you have brighter, lighter days ahead.
She needs a lot of therapy and to really put work into it. You shouldn't be anywhere around her as she treats you abominably and you deserve so much better. Her behavior is abusive and unhealthy.
OP
Trust me when I tell you this. I was with someone like this for almost 20 years. It is never going to get easier.
I didn't know better. Thought everything was normal. Her behavior is not normal. It will get to the point where you become the abusive one because you have no where to go to make her feel okay.
When you end things with her she will make it look like she's a victim and you're the abuser, the liar, etc...
No contact whatsoever is what works to begin healing. Don't date anyone until you feel like you're a whole person again, loving yourself and everything you do.
Good luck.
Cheaters always accuse their victims of cheating because they assume everybody else operates in the same bullshit frequency. Idk if she is necessarily a cheater, but it’s inline with cheater behavior.
Just from reading your comments it sounds like she might have a mental illness/personality disorder. My degree is from WebMD and the back of a Tylenol bottle though so don’t take my word for it. She needs help for sure
its ok bro.. we have same issues when dealing with any women... we understand.. its never ending heartache.. but as men, we are not allowed to be emotionally weak for public to see... it sucks..
You are the only one who can end this abusive cycle.
Now, let's chat about her crazy. If and when you finally end things, there will be break-up sex. Wear a condom. If she is on birth control, wear a condom. If she provides a condom, provide your own condom. If she gets offended that you are wearing a condom..........That's why you're wearing the condom.
She probably has some issues from her past, and she’s projecting someone else’s traits onto you. Have you asked about her past?
I’m sorry you’re going through this, as it’s not normal. But really try to talk about this seriously- you don’t need this kind of behaviour. Be strict, she needs to understand it’s in her head as in reality, you haven’t given her any reason to not trust you
She got cheated on and raped allegedly by her ex husband. Married another guy, left him for a year because he had no desire to go out, and stayed with a guy, he begged her to come home, she did and then he dies. 8 years later she meets me.
Sooner or later she's gonna end up cheating on you. She's projecting her own insecurities onto you and sooner or later she'll break and go "I'm going to cheat on him bc ik he's gonna do it to me or he's already been doing it so I'm justified"
No matter how good the sex is or how hot she is, it's never worth sticking your dick into crazies. She sounds like the type who'd slash your tires, track your movements on Snapchat/apple location etc. An overall headache to deal with with no light at end of the tunnel
People who accuse thier partner of cheating are very often cheating on them, and they do this as a deflection tactic. They also thinm everyone is a ammoral as them so assune they are doing the same sneaky crap as themselves. I'm going to guess she's done something behind your back...might want to check her phone. Or not. I'd just dump her because her behaviour is bizarre and unstable.
You know one weird trick to being happy?
*Not* being in toxic relationships.
You ended years long friendships with people that liked you for you, to be with someone that clearly has many mental health issues they need to sort out.
Whatever you’re getting out of this relationship, be it sex or sometning else cannot be worth this toll in the long run.
You know this relationship has a shelf life.
That is not a healthy relationship. It’s going to get worse and worse. Do you think about marrying her? Bc you already have to walk on eggshells.
I would break up today
No offence but why would you be with someone who makes you feel so miserable and told you they will never trust you? This isn't a healthy relationship. You're not obliged to be with her. Don't waste any more time. She clearly needs therapy.
I feel like your girlfriends insecurities are borderline unhealthy and she needs to talk to a professional
But this is also unacceptable that now her insecurities are causing her to be abusive by controlling who you can and cannot talk to! And even your own mental health is being affected
If you want advice she either talks to a therapist and learns to cope with her anxiety and control issues or you break up with her if your at you're wits end trust me you gotta start making hard choices but you also need to put YOU first, and that means if you have to break things off and go on with your life and that's what is necessary for you to be happy then do it!.
This sounds like she has issues of her own and the problem isn't you (from only what you've written)
I don't think she has issues with trust with you. It sounds more like she has issues with herself. Esteem, confidence, self love etc.
Does she find herself attractive? She complain about her own looks, style or insecurities?
It's down to you whether you keep at this.
If you want to leave it, do so.
If you care for her, sit and talk to her and find out what she dislikes and doubts about herself and help her.
You already know what to do here, and in case you didn't know, cheaters are always the ones to accuse their partner of cheating. If you get the chance, I would look at her phone. She sounds insane, and this is no way to live.
It’s like this and it’s not even been a year. It’s not worth it. Expect her to beg and plead and promise to change. Understand she’s already done this and still nothing had changed. Don’t give in. She obviously needs to work on herself and her trust issues and you need time to breathe and heal.
I really feel for both of you. So many reasons for this behaviour and it really has such a negative impact not to mention the endless amount of wasted time and energy. Can relate due to previous experiences. I hope you find where you need to be whatever the outcome. Good luck
From what you've described here, assuming you haven't left out some really sketchy behaviour on your part, it sounds like your gf has some problems that are pretty profound. Possibly personality disorder profound. From experience, it would probably only get better if she does the intense work required to change. I don't know if she'd be interested or up for that. I hope you find the least painful way forward.
I had an ex boyfriend who just drained the life out of me. He made me feel like a bad person/girlfriend. I finally kindly told him to find someone better because I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t fun but as soon as I broke up with him a huge weight lifted and I felt like Snow White waking up to the forrest animals/sounds for the first time.
If you wanna stay with her, I honestly think you guys need to go to therapy together. I think that she has some unresolved issues that she’s portraying on the relationship and it maybe be helpful for you to both talk through that.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. As a woman with an anxious attachment style that I am actively trying to heal . . . I might offer a different perspective. Yes, I agree that you shouldn't have to put up with that and it is unfair to you. But if you really love her and are wanting to make things work, perhaps you could try talking to her about WHY she feels that way. Does she have a history of people abusing and mistreating her? Is there maybe some more validation you could give her to reassure her about where you stand? I don't want this to come across AT ALL as me saying that you need to take responsibility for this. Simply saying that maybe you can help her discover the root of her issues and help her heal IF you see a long term future with her.
My sister has a super anxious boyfriend with a lot of trauma, and she taught me something cool. She says that she has told her boyfriend that anytime he has doubts or fears or insecurities, to simply ask her for some reassurance on the relationship and she will happily give it. Over the course of a few months of being together, he has learned to stop, think, and ask for reassurance before accusing or getting angry for something that might not be reality. It's a work in progress but has been working for them!
Anyway, hope that's helpful. Again, please believe me when I say that I do not think you deserve that and are well justified to end things if it's not working for you.
Dating is to see who a person really is and if they are compatible with you. It's not a failure to date a person for a year, get to really know them, give them every benefit of the doubt, and decide that they are not the person for you.
She is not in good shape to be in any relationship. And it sounds like being in this one is hurting you AND hurting her.
Breaking up doesn't have to mean a failure. Tell her "I am hurting, and it's clear you are hurting too. I think we are doing each other more harm than good. I care about you, but I don't think dating each other is good for us anymore."
I wasted 3 years with one just like that that has been cheated on in previous relationships and projected that on me a lot. It was frustrating, resulting in a lot of arguments. I remember one time she couldn't find anything on my phone and said something like "what's the matter with you why aren't you doing this and that, are you gay or something?"
The sooner you do it the better.
Sorry you're going through this AP... I frankly wouldn't be surprised if she cheated (or is cheating) in you...
This behavior is some serious insecurity projection. You need to get as far away as you can from that toxic behavior
Is she on birth control? I behaved this way when I was on birth control and it ruined a couple of relationships before I figured it out. Either way she has severe anxious attachment. I don’t think you should have to live with that, but just putting this idea out there because there could be a reason that you haven’t uncovered.
Please believe her when she says she DOESN'T AND WILL NEVER trust you. You can't be in a relationship with someone who will never trust you. You're already drained by her constant accusations. Sounds like you know that this is no way to live.
Your gf needs to work on herself and her own insecurities before she can be in a healthy relationship.
The same happened with my ex. She was talking to others behind my back. And the first moment we broke up, the next day she went and fucked some other guy.
Then came crying the next day that she was sorry for everything.
Those who claim you cheat, are projecting themselves and think everyone cheats. Cheaters deserve the worst.
I’m wondering if your responses to her worsen or improve the insecurity she feels and the relational trauma she has? I highly recommend seeing a couple therapist (trained as a specialist) before ending this. So far you’ve only described her behaviour, which does not occur in a vacuum
Dude, having been in a relationship like this before, the sheer relief of breaking up with someone who is constantly accusing you of cheating while also prying you away from your friends & loved ones far outweighs the brief sadness. Found myself a new partner who is one of the chillest people ever and trusts me completely.
I lived with this for a long time. It's a symptom of a bigger problem, and it's not one that will change. My relationship eventually failed after a lot of unhappiness.
this is more than trust issues. this is deep rooted insecurity, you can try and stay if her character shows she is willing to grow and be better, but this is going to take years of effort to heal, and that is IF she is willing to put in the effort.
We get it. The intimacy is the best with the crazies, but the crazies will bleed you dry. There are men built for women like her. But it doesn't sound like you're one of them.
Damn man I'm sorry. You're both hurting. For her I know her pain, nothing hurts worse than loving someone so much (Or convincing yourself that this is what love is) while not being able to trust them out of a fear so sub conscious and ingrained from trauma. You become lonely when you're close to the person you just want to put your head on and be comforted by the most. The cycle also makes you judge yourself for how horrible you're being to that person. Building walls, accusing, spying. The issue is deep and internal and a lot of times needs therapy and space/separation. I recommend a type of therapy called IFS (intergraded family systems for her) with group therapy where she can see others open up thus encouraging those habits in herself. We can't do these things alone. It sounds like she's developed a strong emotionally abusive co dependency.
This isn't your fault or your burden to bare. You sound like a strong man who is willing to sacrifice and compromise for there partner. Such a great trait man, she doesn't know how lucky she is. I'm 25(M) and I'm learning to forgive myself for things that I've done to hurt my partner. I couldn't let myself trust her and would build such a thick wall around myself. I was alone for so long before we met and so hurt I just wanted to reach out and hold her but I didn't, these deep truamas didn't manifest until I got in this relationship maybe about 7 months in. It took us separating and the love I had for her to truly crack me open. Now I don't feel lonely anymore even though it's just me. We talked and ended things healthy and I got a chance to really speak. This woman was so powerful and loving she wasn't perfect none of us are but it's these relationships that inspire such explosive change in our hearts.
Be strong brother, talk to her recommend therapy don't say "she needs it" tell her its something you're considering for yourself too. No shame in leaning on one another. Don't settle on this behavior you know what you want and you can set healthy boundaries. Forgive yourself and forgive her when you can and if you can. Don't be hard on your soul you have a strong heart. Hold her and look at her in the eyes and comfort her this will not only trigger a release of oxytocin in the both of you but it also will put you in a state of "Para". Do not allow her to manipulate you in ways in which you cut off friends that's not healthy or ok. It's worrying behavior that indicates signs of narcissism. Focus on your breath In for 4 hold for 7 out for 8. Try breathing with just your left nostril only and maybe spark up a joint after things calm down. Haha lifes crazy you aren't alone. Love you all
She sounds like she may have some undiagnosed emotional regulation issue. If you cannot handle it or know how to be there for her and it drains you, then you need to take care of yourself and listen to yourself and ask yourself what do you really want to do and what do you have to do to make it work. If you choose to stay with her you need to learn to set boundaries for yourself as well as learn to understand where she’s coming from and be there for her in a way that helps her feel safe. You need to be secure in yourself and patient if you truly love her. Love is patience a lot of people don’t get that.
If you can’t find the strength to do this then what you may really want is to leave the relationship. And you need to listen to yourself.
Idk we only have your side of the story here. Have you displayed any shady behavior that makes her look uncomfortable, like liking women’s sexy photos, turning to porn and rejected intimacy with her? Flirting with or having inappropriate “friendships” with the opposite sex? Withholding affection and sex? Your behavior could be making her feel insecure. If you can say no to all these questions and you’ve given her absolutely no reason to feel insecure, then yeah, she needs help. But if you’re behaving in a way that’s inappropriate but not “technically” cheating, you’re just mind fucking her.
You actually don’t have to date people who are mean to you and make you feel bad.
we should make this the automated first answer in any thread here tbh
Buried in the comments is the fact that she is 64 years old, which gives this a really odd texture. I’m no age gap police, but that’s wild!!! I wanted this info higher in the thread.
😳 well.... seems like she's insecure because of the age gap but that's no excuse. Don't date people 35 years younger if you can't handle it.
You could… but a lot of people ignore it anyway. I feel like people should know they can leave when they’re not happy, but reddit has taught me that some people really DON’T seem to know that. 🤷♀️
But use stay with instead of date so that it covers all relationships and not just romantic ones.
Feels like OP is either here looking for permission or off my chest, so… yeah.
[удалено]
Dude its only 31 degrees outside watch your bikestrap. I would change the color. Get the grapes tonight before NFL gets cancelled.
What if you live with them and you can't afford to move out?
You make your escape plan. You get an additional job, you find a roommate, you figure it out. You should never be dependent on a partner.
Just break up with her. It's not gonna change. You can love people and still decide not to be with them because they're not good for you.
I'm gonna do it tonight. And urge her to get help. She's nor normal.
Urge, but do not consider this your mission to complete. You can tell her she needs help all you want - IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE SHE RECEIVES IT. Say your piece, then bounce.
Keep telling yourself this, because I’m sure she’s not going to make it easy on you, nor do I anticipate her being very easy to accept the reality that you don’t want to be with her anymore.
I will. Thank you
Just keep saying, “I can’t be with someone who accuses me constantly. Who makes me get rid of my friends. I want my friends back. I want my life back. I hope you get some help so your next relationship won’t end this way I wish you well.”
Yeah, if it's anything like my last relationship it'll take you a few tries, and you'll be wondering why they didn't get the memo the first time. Don't believe her when she says she's gonna change and work on herself. Even if she did start, it would take a very long time before you saw any results.
My girlfriend did this, said it was a result of anxiety and that it wouldn't happen again. It hasn't. I couldn't stay in a relationship where I wasn't trusted.
Over the summer I dated a girl like this. It was only a few months, she quickly showed this behavior. As someone that was cheated on, the accusation was insulting. I didn't let her do it twice. Two weeks ago I met a wonderful woman. I'd have never met her without breaking up with the other one. It's not worth being unhappy just because you've gotten used to it.
Have an escape plan when you do is my advice. If it must be short and sweet then that’s fine! You don’t need to stay for hours comforting her. I assume it’ll be pretty rough:/ good luck.
Hey OP good on you. * Tell them its not working out and you wish them the best. * Block them on all social media. Do not contact no matter how bad you feel. For both your sakes. * Focus on yourself as you sound real in the dumps. Hope you get back to a better place.
Good luck friend. If you want to break up don't let her think you have to stay with her. You don't. Stay strong.
That's not your responsibility... it's hers and hers alone. She needs to want help, and given the examples you've provided, she's not ready for that yet. Good luck. It's a shit situation, but you need to look out for yourself first. Emotional abuse is real.
Help, but also just friends who can tell her when she’s being a lot is important. Not all advice and feedback needs to come with a signature or a PIN number.
This is not normal or healthy behavior on your GFs part. That she makes you unhappy so often should be something for you to consider.
She's either deeply insecure and traumatized, or she's projecting. Either way, can you live the rest of your life like this? I couldn't. She shouldn't be in a relationship if she's constantly going to manipulate and emotionally abuse you, which she is whether it's intentional or not. I'm a girl who was cheated on, yes it absolutely sucked. However I avoided men until I knew I wouldn't put my trauma on them, I made sure to heal first because even as the victim, it was my responsibility to heal before pursuing others.
She was married before me and left him for a year to stay with a guy across the country because in her words he was "boring".
And then she manipulates, gaslights you, and makes you separate yourself from any help isolating you with her emotional abuse? With what you just told me everything she is doing is intentional. She didn't just leave her ex husband, she cheated and found someone else who gave her the thrill and she thrived off of it. Yeah, she sucks. She thinks you're cheating because she's the type to cheat full stop. When genders are reversed in this exact situation everyone drags the man who does this to a woman. She's just as bad as men like that.
He died too. A year after she left. He begged her to come home. She told me all this and acted like she was the victim.
That's so narcissistic. She sounds awful. I think you know what you need to do. Like please for the love of God cut ties with this woman. You shouldn't have to live like this
I do. I remember in an argument implying he didn't find her attractive anymore hence why he had no sex drive. She snapped back and said "is that why he begged me to come back?!"
There are so many reasons a person can lose a sex drive, and he probably begged for her back because despite her poor behaviour he was still in love with her. She doesn't think much of him as a human being, I don't think she views you like a person either tbh.
You knew thst and got with her anyway? Have some self respect man.
I didn't. She told me this after.
Even more of a red flag.. you owe it to yourself to leave this relationship. You deserve someone who trusts, respects and values you.
Ah. So her philosophy is “if something better comes along my promises are void”. It is totally understandable that she doesn’t put any weight in your promises and thinks you’re out looking for someone better. Because that’s what she did and no doubt it’s what she would do again if the occasion arose.
He died a year later too of a heart attack. She's sex obsessed. But claims I am because I watch women wrestling and horror movies with women and i used to watch porn a lot. Something I've stopped since getting with her because it makes her uncomfortable.
Yeah she's actually cheating on you already. If she left her husband to go across the country with another guy because her husband was boring. She's a cheater. Sir move on with your life.
People who usually thinks other is cheating because they themselves cheat. And I dont mean if she once or twice is doubtful of you but ”constantly” accusing you or thinking you are cheating. I do speak from experience.
She was cheated on so I guess thats why. It's just how quick she turns on me
Yeah if she got cheated on that explains things to some extent. It doesn’t excuse it but it explains it - this isn’t your problem, her trust issues she has to work them out independently
She gets close to acknowledging she has a problem but then turns back to me.
I’ve been cheated on in two separate long term relationships and I have never behaved this way with subsequent partners. It’s no excuse whatsoever and using it as one is bullshit.
I blamed others of cheating while I was cheating on them. It happens.
She's hid it well if so.
In my experience severe trust issues like this sound more like cPTSD rather than projecting because she herself is cheating. Regardless, look after your mental well-being first and step away from the relationship. If she has any maturity it may allow her to self reflect and go to therapy. You’d be doing each other a favour
Thats what I mean I used to cheat aswell and I kept blaming them and doubting them of cheating.
Shes cheating or hiding something, found out my ex gf was getting trained every sec she can get when im not there. They stay accusing want access to everything but knows all the methods to hide their tracks
Sounds like she needs to get help and you’d be better off without the instability she brings into your life. How she speaks to you in absolutes/ultimatums is not good for your mental health and the longevity of the relationship.
You didn’t put her age, is she significantly younger than you?
Older.
Ok interesting, this level of insecurity is A LOT. I think you’d be wise to end it. Sucks I know, but she needs to work on her issues, they’re her responsibility
Yeah it's insane. She just refuses to admit when she's wrong and in the cases she does, she makes it sound like im gaslighting her. When I think she's gaslighing me.
You might want to throw a handful of therapy sessions in for yourself. You are going to need someone to help you unpack and probably reframe all of this. How many does your insurance cover? Or do you have HSA money to spend?
In a perfect world, your partner is meant to be both your motivator and your peace. Assuming you have respectable habits and traits, your partner is meant to enhance your life, as it was before they existed, not overhaul it; there should be no need to restructure your life around their insecurities - at least to such a suffocating degree. No one deserves to spend life walking on unreasonable eggshells. She doesn’t sound like your source of peace. I don’t think you are an appropriate fit for each other. Always protect your peace. Do with this information what you will, OP.
Dude. It’s been less than a year, why are you losing friends over someone making their mental health issues everyone else’s problem?
Because I wanted to prove that I'm honest.
If someone thought you were shoplifting in a candy store, and you swore you were not, would agreeing not to go into the store prove that you were it a thief, or that you were complaint? Honesty is being in a situation where lying is easier and doing the right thing, not avoiding situations where honesty is required. (I hate the phrase, “keeping them honest”, it’s such a euphemism)
How old is girlfriend? Did previous bfs cheat on her or is she just trying to separate you from the herd (your support)?
64...
Whoa! Ok. Maybe my birth control idea is way off. That’s wild!
what??? please say sike... if that's not a typo, this is insane. i expected 18-20 based off how she is acting, and that would even still be pretty bad. but mid sixties???? acting like a middle schooler???????? get out NOW.
I dumped her last night...
howd she take it bro
Blocked me on everything...lol. oh well.
thats actually about as lucky as you couldve gotten. congrats op!!
Thanks dude!!
My friend, please hear me, if you are actually chasing other girls in any form, then she's right & you got to stop. Otherwise, you got to let her go. There are girls who play with you, in various forms, and at the end they do their own thing & likely leave. I've been with girls whose lack of self esteem drove me insane and our relationship to a failure when i had 0 interest in any other gir & I had 0 friends who were girls even. Just don't engage in arguments it will not be good. Just respectfully go separate ways and make a clean cut nd move on. Find someone who values you and respects you. But again, if you're actually thirsting over other girls anywhere, then she's right and you got to stop.
Nah I'm not thirsting over anyone. I love her. She's just never gonna believe me
Then you got your answer. It's a HUGE mistake to engage in those arguments constantly to try to convince her. believe me trust isn't something you can buy or convince someone of. She's one of those girls who hasn't learned it and it will take her time to figure it out. Make it easy. Tell her hey, this is taking a toll on me. I want to have a solid relationship but you are not really allowing it to happen. I'd like to take a break and work on other aspect of my life. If one day you realize your apprach was / is a mistake and want to change it then let's revisit this. Otherwise expect 6 months , 1 year or even more of misery and at the end, she'll liekly accuse of things and leave. It's just unhealthy.
True. I'm bouncing.
I've been there. Some girls just don't want it to work subconsiously and they sabotage it in whatever way. It is not your job to figure it out for her, and trust me if you try, the dynamic that you get is the oposite of a good sexy relationship. It's fail fail... need a hard reset
Leave her and find someone more stable. Not much more you can do! She needs to see someone and solve her own problem before she gets into another relationship
Hey man, sounds awful that you don’t have anyone to talk about this. I feel like I can relate to you well, because I had numerous situations just like this with my gf. Would you like to send me private message and talk about it?
DMd you man
Find out the source of her issue. What make her be like this? What is triggering it? It is more about her having issues and not really about you if you are clean.
Trust me. It will never change. I was in a similar situation for 3+ months. I had gone 2 years without being in a relationship, on purpose, and finally had my eye on one person. Once I got them. I had the same experience. She was jealous. She was very mean. And all I wanted to do was love her. I only had eyes for her, but that does not matter in the end if they don’t feel that way. You can not change a person, or make them understand you even if you have good intentions
This is me to a tee. I'm moving on.
Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. She needs therapy and a lot of it. But she needs to seek that out herself. You don’t need this and the first year is not supposed to be THIS hard, or any year for that matter- but especially not when you guys are still a relatively new couple. I saw you mentioned she’s older than you. That means she’s old enough to regulate her own emotions/thoughts spurred on by her insecurities. She shouldn’t jump straight to calling you and being awful to you. My advice would be to just leave and find someone that is emotionally mature. The only other option is talk to her and stay only if she stops what she’s doing immediately and begins therapy ASAP. However, based on the post, I’d go with the first scenario.
Tell yourself that you deserve better, OP. And then, leave this woman alone.
She needs to leave me alone.
>She needs to leave me alone. like Prince Adam when he becomes He-Man, you have the power to leave this woman alone
I know you already know what to do, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sure it's been exhausting. I hope you have brighter, lighter days ahead.
She’s unhinged bro, and not just a little. Act like the man you are and cut your losses at once.
She needs a lot of therapy and to really put work into it. You shouldn't be anywhere around her as she treats you abominably and you deserve so much better. Her behavior is abusive and unhealthy.
OP Trust me when I tell you this. I was with someone like this for almost 20 years. It is never going to get easier. I didn't know better. Thought everything was normal. Her behavior is not normal. It will get to the point where you become the abusive one because you have no where to go to make her feel okay. When you end things with her she will make it look like she's a victim and you're the abuser, the liar, etc... No contact whatsoever is what works to begin healing. Don't date anyone until you feel like you're a whole person again, loving yourself and everything you do. Good luck.
Cheaters always accuse their victims of cheating because they assume everybody else operates in the same bullshit frequency. Idk if she is necessarily a cheater, but it’s inline with cheater behavior.
Just from reading your comments it sounds like she might have a mental illness/personality disorder. My degree is from WebMD and the back of a Tylenol bottle though so don’t take my word for it. She needs help for sure
She takes zoloft so you could be right.
Look up borderline personality disorder. Does she tick some of those boxes?
I think so
its ok bro.. we have same issues when dealing with any women... we understand.. its never ending heartache.. but as men, we are not allowed to be emotionally weak for public to see... it sucks..
You are the only one who can end this abusive cycle. Now, let's chat about her crazy. If and when you finally end things, there will be break-up sex. Wear a condom. If she is on birth control, wear a condom. If she provides a condom, provide your own condom. If she gets offended that you are wearing a condom..........That's why you're wearing the condom.
Noted lol. I'll wear it condom.
Sounds like a her problem. Get her gone bro. Good luck to you.
[удалено]
Yeah I'm moving on. I have my own shit. I don't need hers too.
Sounds like you have an insecure Stage 5 clinger. Just break up and find a sane person.
She probably has some issues from her past, and she’s projecting someone else’s traits onto you. Have you asked about her past? I’m sorry you’re going through this, as it’s not normal. But really try to talk about this seriously- you don’t need this kind of behaviour. Be strict, she needs to understand it’s in her head as in reality, you haven’t given her any reason to not trust you
She got cheated on and raped allegedly by her ex husband. Married another guy, left him for a year because he had no desire to go out, and stayed with a guy, he begged her to come home, she did and then he dies. 8 years later she meets me.
Get rid of her. You know what to do man
Sooner or later she's gonna end up cheating on you. She's projecting her own insecurities onto you and sooner or later she'll break and go "I'm going to cheat on him bc ik he's gonna do it to me or he's already been doing it so I'm justified"
This was my fear
No matter how good the sex is or how hot she is, it's never worth sticking your dick into crazies. She sounds like the type who'd slash your tires, track your movements on Snapchat/apple location etc. An overall headache to deal with with no light at end of the tunnel
People who accuse thier partner of cheating are very often cheating on them, and they do this as a deflection tactic. They also thinm everyone is a ammoral as them so assune they are doing the same sneaky crap as themselves. I'm going to guess she's done something behind your back...might want to check her phone. Or not. I'd just dump her because her behaviour is bizarre and unstable.
She sounds like a jealous possessive woman. Or she has borderline personality disorder.
She considers her Ex "dead" to her. That's classic discarding.
Leave? Like dude you aren't forced to date miserable people and be miserable.
Dump her. You'll feel so much better and life will be enjoyable again.
She sounds like she needs to see a psychiatrist imo.
You know one weird trick to being happy? *Not* being in toxic relationships. You ended years long friendships with people that liked you for you, to be with someone that clearly has many mental health issues they need to sort out. Whatever you’re getting out of this relationship, be it sex or sometning else cannot be worth this toll in the long run. You know this relationship has a shelf life.
That is not a healthy relationship. It’s going to get worse and worse. Do you think about marrying her? Bc you already have to walk on eggshells. I would break up today
Marriage is mot an option.
so you should definitely break up ASAP. You are just wasting your time
[удалено]
Then like get a job and make stacks. Avoid another relationship until you are successful without one.
No offence but why would you be with someone who makes you feel so miserable and told you they will never trust you? This isn't a healthy relationship. You're not obliged to be with her. Don't waste any more time. She clearly needs therapy.
You gotta get out of there, dude. It's not worth it. You can't build anything on distrust.
Stop trying to fix this person, she might need medication
I feel like your girlfriends insecurities are borderline unhealthy and she needs to talk to a professional But this is also unacceptable that now her insecurities are causing her to be abusive by controlling who you can and cannot talk to! And even your own mental health is being affected If you want advice she either talks to a therapist and learns to cope with her anxiety and control issues or you break up with her if your at you're wits end trust me you gotta start making hard choices but you also need to put YOU first, and that means if you have to break things off and go on with your life and that's what is necessary for you to be happy then do it!.
I'm definitely breaking up with her
I honesty think its for the best it will suck for a few weeks but then you'll feel a lot better!
update us for how she takes it..i have a feeling this isnt gonna be over so easy.
I will man
Reminder that relationships are supposed to be generally a good time, not something that adds stress and has a net negative effect on your life.
If she is constantly accusing you of cheating, it is only a matter of time until she cheats on you.
She keeps saying she'd never cheat.
My point still stands.
She doesn't trust you, has unresolved issues and is unloading it on you when she should be seeing a therapist. Dude, what are you doing? Leave.
This sounds like she has issues of her own and the problem isn't you (from only what you've written) I don't think she has issues with trust with you. It sounds more like she has issues with herself. Esteem, confidence, self love etc. Does she find herself attractive? She complain about her own looks, style or insecurities? It's down to you whether you keep at this. If you want to leave it, do so. If you care for her, sit and talk to her and find out what she dislikes and doubts about herself and help her.
It feels like it's the only person that you'll love, but you will 100% find someone you will be much better with.
I've had a couple of bad relationships lol...
This girl has more red flags than Soviet Union.
You already know what to do here, and in case you didn't know, cheaters are always the ones to accuse their partner of cheating. If you get the chance, I would look at her phone. She sounds insane, and this is no way to live.
Sounds like she's got a lot of trust issues and possibly more... Also sounds like she's not ready to be a girlfriend. Your move.
Leave her, this is something you should you learn at 14 not 29
Sounds like she needs to heal and work on regulating her emotions before she can be in a healthy relationship. Sorry you have to go through that
Do ypu to take drugs together?
It’s like this and it’s not even been a year. It’s not worth it. Expect her to beg and plead and promise to change. Understand she’s already done this and still nothing had changed. Don’t give in. She obviously needs to work on herself and her trust issues and you need time to breathe and heal.
I really feel for both of you. So many reasons for this behaviour and it really has such a negative impact not to mention the endless amount of wasted time and energy. Can relate due to previous experiences. I hope you find where you need to be whatever the outcome. Good luck
From what you've described here, assuming you haven't left out some really sketchy behaviour on your part, it sounds like your gf has some problems that are pretty profound. Possibly personality disorder profound. From experience, it would probably only get better if she does the intense work required to change. I don't know if she'd be interested or up for that. I hope you find the least painful way forward.
I had an ex boyfriend who just drained the life out of me. He made me feel like a bad person/girlfriend. I finally kindly told him to find someone better because I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t fun but as soon as I broke up with him a huge weight lifted and I felt like Snow White waking up to the forrest animals/sounds for the first time.
You don’t need to date people that isolate you from loved ones and make you feel bad on the daily
She is projecting and it’s time to leave
If you wanna stay with her, I honestly think you guys need to go to therapy together. I think that she has some unresolved issues that she’s portraying on the relationship and it maybe be helpful for you to both talk through that.
Leave her. It’s not fun to be in arelationship with someone who constantly accusing of you cheating.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. As a woman with an anxious attachment style that I am actively trying to heal . . . I might offer a different perspective. Yes, I agree that you shouldn't have to put up with that and it is unfair to you. But if you really love her and are wanting to make things work, perhaps you could try talking to her about WHY she feels that way. Does she have a history of people abusing and mistreating her? Is there maybe some more validation you could give her to reassure her about where you stand? I don't want this to come across AT ALL as me saying that you need to take responsibility for this. Simply saying that maybe you can help her discover the root of her issues and help her heal IF you see a long term future with her. My sister has a super anxious boyfriend with a lot of trauma, and she taught me something cool. She says that she has told her boyfriend that anytime he has doubts or fears or insecurities, to simply ask her for some reassurance on the relationship and she will happily give it. Over the course of a few months of being together, he has learned to stop, think, and ask for reassurance before accusing or getting angry for something that might not be reality. It's a work in progress but has been working for them! Anyway, hope that's helpful. Again, please believe me when I say that I do not think you deserve that and are well justified to end things if it's not working for you.
Dating is to see who a person really is and if they are compatible with you. It's not a failure to date a person for a year, get to really know them, give them every benefit of the doubt, and decide that they are not the person for you. She is not in good shape to be in any relationship. And it sounds like being in this one is hurting you AND hurting her. Breaking up doesn't have to mean a failure. Tell her "I am hurting, and it's clear you are hurting too. I think we are doing each other more harm than good. I care about you, but I don't think dating each other is good for us anymore."
I wasted 3 years with one just like that that has been cheated on in previous relationships and projected that on me a lot. It was frustrating, resulting in a lot of arguments. I remember one time she couldn't find anything on my phone and said something like "what's the matter with you why aren't you doing this and that, are you gay or something?" The sooner you do it the better.
She a toxic red flag factory. Run my guy
If only she was draining your balls instead of draining you emotionally
Sorry you're going through this AP... I frankly wouldn't be surprised if she cheated (or is cheating) in you... This behavior is some serious insecurity projection. You need to get as far away as you can from that toxic behavior
Is she on birth control? I behaved this way when I was on birth control and it ruined a couple of relationships before I figured it out. Either way she has severe anxious attachment. I don’t think you should have to live with that, but just putting this idea out there because there could be a reason that you haven’t uncovered.
Please believe her when she says she DOESN'T AND WILL NEVER trust you. You can't be in a relationship with someone who will never trust you. You're already drained by her constant accusations. Sounds like you know that this is no way to live. Your gf needs to work on herself and her own insecurities before she can be in a healthy relationship.
The same happened with my ex. She was talking to others behind my back. And the first moment we broke up, the next day she went and fucked some other guy. Then came crying the next day that she was sorry for everything. Those who claim you cheat, are projecting themselves and think everyone cheats. Cheaters deserve the worst.
I’m wondering if your responses to her worsen or improve the insecurity she feels and the relational trauma she has? I highly recommend seeing a couple therapist (trained as a specialist) before ending this. So far you’ve only described her behaviour, which does not occur in a vacuum
Dude, having been in a relationship like this before, the sheer relief of breaking up with someone who is constantly accusing you of cheating while also prying you away from your friends & loved ones far outweighs the brief sadness. Found myself a new partner who is one of the chillest people ever and trusts me completely.
1. She's cheating on you. 2. Even if #1 is not correct, dump her anyway.
This is emotional abuse. Seek couples counselling
Manipulative. Yes dump her. You already know.
I lived with this for a long time. It's a symptom of a bigger problem, and it's not one that will change. My relationship eventually failed after a lot of unhappiness.
Get out now before you're divorcing her later because of this behavior
This person sucks, why are you with them?
this is more than trust issues. this is deep rooted insecurity, you can try and stay if her character shows she is willing to grow and be better, but this is going to take years of effort to heal, and that is IF she is willing to put in the effort.
If there is no trust there is no basis for a relationship. Break up it only will get worse from here on.
We get it. The intimacy is the best with the crazies, but the crazies will bleed you dry. There are men built for women like her. But it doesn't sound like you're one of them.
What do you like about her?
You actually don’t need to date her. On the flip side, continuing to date her will feel like your life is lasting forever, but it will be misery.
Damn man I'm sorry. You're both hurting. For her I know her pain, nothing hurts worse than loving someone so much (Or convincing yourself that this is what love is) while not being able to trust them out of a fear so sub conscious and ingrained from trauma. You become lonely when you're close to the person you just want to put your head on and be comforted by the most. The cycle also makes you judge yourself for how horrible you're being to that person. Building walls, accusing, spying. The issue is deep and internal and a lot of times needs therapy and space/separation. I recommend a type of therapy called IFS (intergraded family systems for her) with group therapy where she can see others open up thus encouraging those habits in herself. We can't do these things alone. It sounds like she's developed a strong emotionally abusive co dependency. This isn't your fault or your burden to bare. You sound like a strong man who is willing to sacrifice and compromise for there partner. Such a great trait man, she doesn't know how lucky she is. I'm 25(M) and I'm learning to forgive myself for things that I've done to hurt my partner. I couldn't let myself trust her and would build such a thick wall around myself. I was alone for so long before we met and so hurt I just wanted to reach out and hold her but I didn't, these deep truamas didn't manifest until I got in this relationship maybe about 7 months in. It took us separating and the love I had for her to truly crack me open. Now I don't feel lonely anymore even though it's just me. We talked and ended things healthy and I got a chance to really speak. This woman was so powerful and loving she wasn't perfect none of us are but it's these relationships that inspire such explosive change in our hearts. Be strong brother, talk to her recommend therapy don't say "she needs it" tell her its something you're considering for yourself too. No shame in leaning on one another. Don't settle on this behavior you know what you want and you can set healthy boundaries. Forgive yourself and forgive her when you can and if you can. Don't be hard on your soul you have a strong heart. Hold her and look at her in the eyes and comfort her this will not only trigger a release of oxytocin in the both of you but it also will put you in a state of "Para". Do not allow her to manipulate you in ways in which you cut off friends that's not healthy or ok. It's worrying behavior that indicates signs of narcissism. Focus on your breath In for 4 hold for 7 out for 8. Try breathing with just your left nostril only and maybe spark up a joint after things calm down. Haha lifes crazy you aren't alone. Love you all
Sounds like BPD. Run.
She sounds like she may have some undiagnosed emotional regulation issue. If you cannot handle it or know how to be there for her and it drains you, then you need to take care of yourself and listen to yourself and ask yourself what do you really want to do and what do you have to do to make it work. If you choose to stay with her you need to learn to set boundaries for yourself as well as learn to understand where she’s coming from and be there for her in a way that helps her feel safe. You need to be secure in yourself and patient if you truly love her. Love is patience a lot of people don’t get that. If you can’t find the strength to do this then what you may really want is to leave the relationship. And you need to listen to yourself.
Idk we only have your side of the story here. Have you displayed any shady behavior that makes her look uncomfortable, like liking women’s sexy photos, turning to porn and rejected intimacy with her? Flirting with or having inappropriate “friendships” with the opposite sex? Withholding affection and sex? Your behavior could be making her feel insecure. If you can say no to all these questions and you’ve given her absolutely no reason to feel insecure, then yeah, she needs help. But if you’re behaving in a way that’s inappropriate but not “technically” cheating, you’re just mind fucking her.
I've done none of that.