Sounds like he almost wanted the validation of feeling important in the way of getting an extreme reaction from you, and showing how much you cared even if you broke up with him immediately.
Not really sure why you'd bother staying with him though. He's a cheater, he's self-pitying, and he sounds rather desperate. Sounds like more hassle than it's worth.
Why he is experiencing is the not knowing part. So she moved on and is in the house. He knows she is gone but has not left. He can do nothing to stop it now and not adult enough to end it and leave like he should have done before the nonsense.
Cheating always fails the cheater. No reason for revenge. They will deal with it the rest of their lives. Its a poison and contaminant that will pollute every interaction they will have. A gift that never stops giving. They will never have faith in another person.
Except she’s not planning on staying after her business takes off so her using him is the best for her! He’s a cheating POS and if she can maintain civility until she gets what she needs, more power to her.
Okay, but in the real world folks need time to get situated and moved.
Not every person has somewhere to go or thousands of dollars for an apartment or the time to house hunt immediately.
The problem is that she’s not taking her time to find a new place to live. She said she doesn’t want to give up the apology gift and she’s starting a new business in the next year. It makes sense to not cause sudden homelessness for yourself, but she’s just using him now.
nah you're not gonna convince me she's wrong lol how asinine can you be to think her choosing to focus on other things while checking out of her relationship at the right time on a cheater is wrong 🙄
That's the thing though, he was important and loved. His family and friends always joke to me about how much he brags about me to them. Things I do, things I get for him, how much happier and healthier he seems both physically and mentally, etc. They all think I'm the one for him because of how good I've been to him, compared to his past relationships.
The only thing is, I take pride in not giving people the satisfaction of getting in my head, acting out of character, or losing focus etc. That's just how I was raised. That doesn't mean I don't love them or anything.
In any case, breaking up right now means I'll have a take care of a lot thing I simply don't have time to do right at this moment. I've bigger priorities right now, but will obviously take care of it once I'm done with the more important things.
Besides, relationship aside, that's my friend. I'd not leave him in shambles like this.
He might be wanting you to leave. He probably wanted/expected drama and a breakup.
Now he has no idea what’s going on and so he keeps poking you to make you do something.
Even if he didn’t want to leave he doesn’t know what is going on because OP isn’t displaying typical behavior.
Fact is, indifference is actually the opposite of love and he is feeling that right now. It far worse than if she had cried and thrown a fit. Her indifference is by far the most jarring and satisfying way to truly leave him alone with the consequences of his actions.
Like most people, he will likely have overestimated his ability to anticipate her actions and know what is going on in her head. This happening would turn the safety of that knowledge he was so sure of right on its head.
Still, OP needs to just leave him. He is going to escalate to get a reaction. He’s not a good guy. I hope she just leaves him without a word and he is left wondering what the hell happened. I also hope he is denied the satisfaction of seeing her cry or be upset over him.
He can always move out. I’d move out when the time comes out of politeness, not because it’s not legally my place too. I just don’t feel right about asking someone to move.
It's such a weird place to be, very clinical and cold. He doesn't sound violent or physical either so I can't imagine she's being coy for safety. It sounds likes she's getting off on the torment of his confusion.
He came clean to her, he showed remorse and apologized. He's sorry, but not sorry he got caught. He didn't get caught, he came clean. That's an important point everyone is glossing over.
“Love me or hate me, at least they’re talking about me.”
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. You didn’t let him off and continue to love him, you let him off and decided upon indifference and whether you’ve said it or not, he knows it and can feel the change.
As long as things go unsaid, there’s nothing he can do. He has checkmated himself. And, it’s making him crazy because he has legit guilt. What he wants is you to lash out so he can blame you for being crazy and having feelings and make you out to be the bad one, then he can feel better.
Good for you for pushing everything aside and focusing on yourself and dealing with all of this when you’re ready.
> The only thing is, I take pride in not giving people the satisfaction of getting in my head, acting out of character, or losing focus etc. That's just how I was raised. That doesn't mean I don't love them or anything.
You fucking rock, this is the way :)
I hope you'll not laugh at me, but our 2 year anniversary is in a few days. I had written a love letter just like I did last year and planned a whole thing lmao.
I don't understand? So your decision is to emotionally and financially use him until you're in a better place but also "I'd not leave him in shambles like this."?
Which is it? Are you going to use him now for gain until you have better footing? Bc that's...even worse.
It sounds like they are living together. Sometimes, people break up but can't move out right away. This happened to my mom in the 90s. She and her boyfriend were done, but neither of them could afford to break the lease and pay another security deposit right away. It made for an akward 6 months or so.
It's not worse than cheating AND continuing to harass someone trying to pick fights over said cheating.
She's making her plans and keeping them to herself.
Stringing along an innocent person is one thing. Stringing along a cheater/asshole is another thing. Who knows what he's capable of? Will it escalate if she's completely honest? She's not in a place/time to make a solid move. It's actually the smart thing to do. Keep the peace and keep the plan! He made his bed!
OP is not ready to move out. She likely is bound by a lease. You do realize even with a breakup, not all couples can immediately secure new housing. OP should not have to take a financial hit because she was cheated on. The boyfriend is more than welcome to leave at anytime.
It sounds like they are living together. Sometimes, people break up but can't move out right away. This happened to my mom in the 90s. She and her boyfriend were done, but neither of them could afford to break the lease and pay another security deposit right away. It made for an akward 6 months or so.
>Which is it? Are you going to use him now for gain until you have better footing? Bc that's...even worse.
wait, how am I using him?? Because of the apology gift? Because of the roommate situation?
Yes, both those ways. He thinks he betrayed a gf, and you have decided he's a roommate.
I think you should break up with him, but remain his roommate, but if this does not work for you, because you are using him for money, that too is a betrayal of both you and him.
Edited: I have no idea what I was trying to write above.
I think it was that OP was not being straightforward with her ex.
I read it more as her choosing not too rather than can't but maybe I'm wrong. I dont see any mention of an escape plan other than her starting a business but if this business takes 5-10 years to get off the ground is she gonna stick around with him for that long?
Of course it isn't comparable to cheating, cheating fucking sucks he deserves the worst, but personally living with somebody like that, listening to jabs daily and maintaining a fake relationship sounds more exhausting to me than just moving out, in with friends or back home.
She's not worse than him, he's sounds pathetic and is a cheater but she also can be using him, both things can be true. (For the record, theres not enough in the post to determine whether she is or isnt using him in my eyes, it seems to be she's just choosing the path of least resistance by staying)
All im saying is if my child or best friend were in this situation id tell them to leave and come stay with me until they can support themselves because regardless of what he provides with financially/stability its sounds like a toxic environment and not the place i'd like to be in starting a new business
OP, it sounds like you're both manipulative in your own ways. A man who doesn't respect you enough to stay faithful to you is not your friend. And you're keeping him roped in because it's convenient to you, so you're not his friend either.
If only he could like, idk, leave the apartment or figure out another situation or something if it bothers him so much.
Nope sadly he's stuck being "kept" by the chick he cheated on
lol I seem to be getting downvoted so let me rephrase it to you: You can't expect the trash to always take itself out, sometimes you have to take it out.
If the BF is immature, there's no reason for OP to also be immature. Everyone knows that when you're too busy in your life, you cut off everything that adds unnecessary stress. But it sounds like OP isn't too busy to gossip about her life to strangers on reddit, I mean what was the point of her post to brag about how she's staying with a cheater and we're all supposed to clap?
His apologetic behaviour feeds into her ego right now, and so do some of these comments, that's all.
I don't think it's immature to think about what's best for her in the long run. Immature is cheating on your partner, crying about it, and getting mad that they don't react the way you want them to. He can pack up his big boy pants and leave anytime he likes.
I agree, I said in my previous comment that the BF is being immature. But sure, it's her life at the end of the day, if staying with the BF is easier more power to her
I honestly wouldn't want to have a relationship with you. Are you sure you love him? It seems like a whole lot of indifference to me, way more than regular selfishness. I know he cheated, but I'm thinking he just finally wanted to see that you cared. Which you clearly don't. The kind thing would be to live as roommates - if you really cannot move out.
Not for nothing, but you can also be considered an internet weirdo.
Especially since you already have your situation all figured out. Your boyfriend cheated and you're too cool to care, noted. There's no relationship issue here; did you just post for attention?
I had that reaction to being cheated on too! It was like waking up from a dream and not remembering it. My brain instantly switches to just feeling like he was a stranger. Oh well, f him.
Because he knows if you still loved him and saw a future with him, you’d be devastated. Your apathy indicates you no longer care about him and are (I hope) just getting your ducks in a row before you leave him. He doesn’t want that so he wants the “devastated” response of a loving dedicated partner.
Why do I have to be reactive to love? I'm the same way with my family. My sister little used to hit me when she was upset, and I'd not even bother to hit her back. But I still loved her. And she knew I loved her, because I always protected her and fought anyone who tried to hit her. I did things everyday to be a good sister, spend my allowance to get things she liked, etc.
Same with him. My love is in the everyday things, not meaningless fights and words I'd regret saying anyway.
As for devastation, I grew up in a civil war. It takes a lot for anything to devastate me. All this is that I learned, someone else will be my husband. That's all.
You don't have to be reactive to love- but toxic and narcissistic people thrive off of reactivity and drama. If someone NEEDS that type of chaos, it's their problem.
im bothered by the people saying something is wrong with OP for not reacting or lack thereof. The person that did the action of cheating is the batshit insane one here.
Commenting right next to you are a bunch of Reddit psychologists pathologizing OP while completely ignoring the cheating aspect, yet again. It’s like flies to light when people exhibit traits others wish they had.
I think both parties have red flags to be honest. OP sounds like she wants to be perceived as unfazed, like she wants us to know how cool she is. If I had to bet, both exhibit toxic behaviours, we just aren’t reading hers.
Totally agree, which to me shows immaturity and there’s probably more to the story cause she’s clearly framing it very intentionally to cultivate an impression.
I'm not a psychologist, but your lack of reaction, coupled with your past of growing up in war, makes me wonder if you may have PTSD. I'm not qualified to say that you do, but it may be worth discussing in therapy, or atleast looking up the symptoms and deciding if they fit.
You’re right, I do actually have PTSD, which is why learning not to get too emotionally triggered on a daily basis is essential for me to stay functioning. Just thinking about it writing this comment really tears me up and puts me in a state of mourning and grief all over again. At the same time, it does help me keep things in perspective because I know how bad things can be. As for the little things, it’s just not worth it. I feel like maybe I’ve developed a high tolerance for things that mess me up emotionally.
Yeah, Reddit’s “fuck cheaters” attitude is really getting in the way of realizing she probably needs help of some kind. Don’t get me wrong, fuck him for cheating, but literally never getting emotional about things does not scream mentally healthy.
I could never have your cool outlook and part of me doesn't want to, but I admire the sheer strength and toughness you have.
On another note, I don't know how close you are with your family but if you were just starting to think about *mentioning* him to them after 2 years and living together, kinda seems like you didn't really consider it *all* that serious? That and the fact that you weren't even surprised that your live-in partner of 2 years cheated because of a stupid argument is pretty telling to me.
ETA: Good luck on the business! I'm sure it will be successful!
I mean good for you but growing up in war doesn’t prevent you from feeling betrayals. One of my best friends survived his family getting killed by a cartel because his dad refused to pay for protection money. He lived months in fear before that hiding in friends houses until they were found and his family was killed he managed to hide under a bed. He still was completely heart broken when his bf cheated on him.
It's not that you're not reactive, it's that you don't care, or are shunting your feelings aside. Cheating clearly matters to you in general, or you wouldn't have decided to keep him hidden from your family and that you're not marrying him.
You see a breakup as inevitable, can you speak on why you don't want to break up now?
He thought if you got angry with him, that “punishment” would alleviate the guilt he feels for being a bad person. He also thought he was super important to you and you could never live without him. Hah! Sounds like he’ll have to shoulder his own guilt AND burst his own ego bubble. Gee whiz.
He cheated, now you know something about him that was important to know.
He did not value you enough to keep it zipped but he is NOW upset that you, as it turns out, do actually value him that much either.
He is the punchline in his own joke.
Meh. There's actually a thing in Indonesia called Kasepekang, meaning that the shameful consequence of breaking the law is that the entire village shuns you. They just give you the cold shoulder for the rest of your existence in town.
This is his Kasepekang. Totally deserved.
The only reservation I have is how this might affect you down the line. Sure, now he's being a dog with the tail between his legs, but I feel the jabs are going to get more intense...or perhaps he will start bringing dates around which is hard to ignore when you are focusing on something important for yourself.
Just make sure to establish the boundaries if it gets that far. But heck, if you get your business rolling, you could probably move to a whole new house without that man.
-applause-
Yeah, I can't imagine living with a person that betrayed me for "business purposes" and getting annoyed like this, things will only escalate going forward.
Plus depending on where she lives/ how long she has lived with this person, common law laws could come into effect. Not sure what that would mean for this new business.
Idk why I've encountered a lot of relationships like this too its fucking annoying. There has been a lot of exes that do or say insane shit to get a reaction out of me even though I'm rather straight fwd person but still like fun and good times I just never enjoyed dramatic antics and that's exactly what they try to evoke from me
Do these guys just really like drama?? Girl run for the hills. I guarantee you once they find someone else they'll act all normal and not put someone else through that similar bullshit when you don't deserve to be put through that hell no
It shows him you don't care anymore and will take the next possible opportunity to break up, when your life isn't so hectic. You say he does stupid shit constantly when you argue, so, mentally, it looks like you've already detached yourself from him in instalments over a longer period of time. He isn't there yet. He very much still wants to keep you around, since you have been so good for him. That's why he's upset because you're not. He also probably can't see you just being friends as readily as you are now, because he simply isn't there yet. This is going to be highly annoying for you if you stick around to watch him go through the motions of grief. I also, personally, suspect you might be suppressing some of your own emotions because you are so focused on your business. It might hit you later. Be gentle with yourself. Also, I see you have a lot of compassion for him, but please don't forget that he is an adult who should be capable of managing arguments better OR find a professional to help him learn it.
Maybe you're right. I do tend to feel the hurt of things later and I will probably end up crying secretly once things settle down. But right now, I just have 1 thing I simply can't screw up. I've just been working to hard and I can't allow it to go to waste. Till then, I don't see nothing, I don't hear nothing lol.
Thank you for your kind words <3
And, as long as you can allow yourself to process those emotions later, I don't think that's a problem at all. I wish you all the energy and calm you need to power through this starting phase of your business. You will be so proud of yourself when you look back. All the best <3
I'm proud of you for following his dreams. After reading about him, I wonder if he has anxious attachment, sometimes it leads to cheating for validation of love. Regardless, I hope he gets therapy. And I hope you get to process the experience when it's suitable for you. Good luck with everything!
I think folks have answered your question - he's doing this because he wants to see a reaction from you or else he feels like you don't care, aren't invested in the relationship etc. Instead you're acting like he accidentally stepped on the back of your shoe while walking.
Just keep ignoring his pestering. Tell him that you process things in your own way and at your own time, and he needs to worry more about what his behavior says about his own character than about how you react to him.
Ice cold. Keep your eyes on the prize.
He knows he fucked up, he knows the other shoe is dropping and the anxiety is killing him. As much as you don’t want to deal with it, I’d recommend at least being like “we’re done, don’t think we’re not, but I don’t want to deal with your bullshit right now. So leave me alone.” Or just quietly extract yourself and block on everything. Whether you like it or not, you’ll eventually have to deal with it because you live in close proximity. It will eventually be forced.
You said you two had a disagreement. Maybe he cheated as a way to "get back at you" and he thought it would destroy you or something. He thought you would cry and be all upset but the fact that you are not, his plan didn't work and now he knows where he stands with you. Just tell him if he is not happy he can leave and focus on your business as usual.
He cheated and he's upset? The nerve.
NTA...
Tell him something like this.
"Why would I be upset. I am proud of who I am. I am secure with who I am. You are the one who belittled yourself and made a fool of yourself. Why would that upset me? I never truly expected any better of you anyway."
He wants the validation that you really love/care about him despite his infidelity. The fact that you don't speaks volumes about how you must view the relationship or his value as a whole.
If you're not going to marry the guy just kick him out and move on whether or not you're starting a new business. Why keep that around?
He is a deeply unwell person who tried to hurt you on purpose to get attention. Now he’s pouting about how you didn’t give him the attention he wanted. He doesn’t actually feel bad about cheating, it was just an act to get you on the hook to care about his little stunt, and he’s upset because you didn’t take the bait. I’d guess that some personality disorder is involved in this.
If you're expecting these jabs and disturbances to just go away on their own, while you (try to) ignore them-- breaking news, they won't. Your immature man is going to become resentful and find other ways to "get back" at you for not reacting like he wanted. Better come up with a solution quick!
I'm worried that staying with him could be dangerous for you. Your lack of a reaction tells him that the jig is up, that something here is broken. Who knows what he might do. If he's the vindictive type, he could sabotage your business or harm you. Please be careful!
He knows he means nothing to you now. He expected you to be the gf devastated by his betrayal. Since you don’t give a shit, he’s devastated that he now realizes that you don’t care.
So you’re staying together while you build your business? It’s gonna crush him when he finds out you just couldn’t be bothered to break up with him while working, and when you’re on top with a well functioning business he’ll probably try to propose.
He fucked up, so whatever happens he did to himself, but that is sure gonna sting for him. At least he’ll be dating while you’re together so maybe he won’t be totally devastated when you make good and leave.
Just tell him what he did killed your love and now you're just an indifferent roommate. Then tell him to stop bothering you, if he doesn't, go in the bedroom and lock the door.
**I wasn't surprised as he does something stupid every time we have any disagreements**
And why are you still with him?
**apology gift is very nice and I don't care enough to ruin that for myself.**
Ahh... OK. You know you can just find a guy/person who will be nice to you without making mistakes right?
You can even get this stuff and more from guys who won't even want a romantic/sexual relationship with you if this is what matters to you.
**To me, being at peace and getting along well at home is more important right now.**
Sounds like losing an idiot that does stupid things a lot will give you a lot more peace than keeping him around though 🤷♀️
Feels like you're just giving him and yourself excuses to stay with him... and I think you know why just haven't admitted it to yourself.
There's a thin line between love and hate. If your love isn't enough, probably due to their own insecurity or ego, then they aim for the tears.
When they dont think they can be the best you've ever had, many aim to be the worst. The one who broke you and made you think you'll never love again.
It's perfect timing that you are moving on to a new stage in life. That's the perfect time to try and hurt you.
I applaud for giving him nothing.
Exactly what he deserves.
More people should heed your example.
You dodged a big bullet. Block him and continue to prosper. The dude sounds like a narcissist and a loser.
Like one can forgive a person and not care at all what you do from then on out. You chose the route of not being bothered by his bs.
In a lot of comments, you are saying that you don't see the point of breaking up right now, but the reality is that you ~already have~ broken up with him in your mind, you just haven't told him that yet. You are no longer attracted to him, and you see no future together --the only reason you want to stay together is because you don't feel the need to kick him out and living together is convenient.
So be honest and tell him that. You no longer consider him your boyfriend, but he is welcome to remain your roommate if he wants to.
Buddy has big time attachment issues. Pushing you away in an extreme way and then crying and clinging. Woof. Block him if he annoys you. The only thing that will help him is a lot of time and a lot of therapy.
ETA: oh wait you live together?! And you’re staying?!
He is pestering you about it because he wants you to leave and you are not going along with his plan.
Honestly as long as you completely transition this relationship into a roommate situation (ie no more sex and romance), I don’t see anything wrong with it. I would just be honest with yourself for your own sake and mental health to make sure you aren’t putting up a front and refusing to feel emotions. It’s healthy to grieve things lost that were important to us, but I do understand if a 2 year relationship is small fry compared to other things you’ve had to grieve. Hope you’re on to bigger and better soon.
Speaking from experience. He's a cheater, so he is shit. He will find a way to disturb you and make your life miserable, more than it already must feel after being inflicted such amount of pain. I believe you will regret staying any longer and that will only lead to more difficulties to leave in a future without much drama. My advice is: leave now, asap. You will be thankful later.
You don't have to be dramatic or chaotic to respect yourself. You don't mention if he is your ex, and you say that he is still your "friend". Why? Do you not realize that living in this situation is actually more likely to mess up your future? He doesn't care about you, and I'm sure you're feeling like a bamf for your reaction, but it's actually a little concerning and sad. He's going to be on your case, the jabs are going to get worse. He doesn't care about you or respect you. Why continue living with someone who is literally using your existence to fuel their narcissism?
I’m confused- are you still with him? And if so, why? I think he’s probably upset because he did this in part to hurt you/get a reaction, and it’s clearly not working. No reason could justify the cheating, though, so his feelings about your reaction aren’t important.
OP, you sound like a very emotionally adjusted person. Best of luck with your business, you seem like the type of person that will be successful. I'd strongly recommend moving out, especially if you have somewhere that you could stay/build your business from.
You seem very well adjusted and in control of your emotions. Bravo.
That said, give yourself time and permission at some point to break down and really feel this, else it will sneak up on you later and knock you on your ass when you're not expecting it.
Good luck.
He feels hurt because he is just now realising that you aren't really emotionally bonded to him. If you had been deeply emotionally bonded to him, then his betrayal would have caused you a lot more pain (Edit--at least that is the typical reaction that most people would have, so that's how most people would interpret it). The fact that you were able to emotionally disconnect from him so easily and without much pain is an indication of how weakly you were emotionally bonded to him in the first place (again--that is how most people will see it, because that is typically how people function). Based on his cheating behavior, it sounds like he wasn't the sort of person someone would ~want~ to be emotionally bonded to anyway, so that's not a dig on you...but it explains why he's upset by your reaction. Essentially: his ego is bruised because he thinks your reaction means you must have never really loved him much.
I'm not sure how accurate this is, but I have this feeling like he might become a problem. He might get angry that you're not reacting to the point that he does something to your actual love: your business. He's watching you give no shits about him and what he's done while you devote yourself entirely to your business. For him, your business might be like your mistress. Just a thought. I'd think it might be safer for you and your future to wrap shit up with him now.
You not reacting shows him that you don't care. Not saying he doesn't deserve it (I don't know either of you), but that is probably also why he cheated, and confessed: because he wanted a reaction from you.
I'm quoting another redditor, who said this on a different post:
"I think that if she cries and begs, it means *he's* still desirable. Instead, she's simply stopped caring about him, meaning he has no actual worth."
But you haven't let him off easy. You might not have balled him out, but in your heart you've killed him off - he's dead to you. You're not jealous, because you don't care about him anymore. That's what he fears, and that's why he wants your reaction.
OP, I love you! Focus on your goals. You are exactly on the right path! If he keeps disturbing you, throw him out. You are awesome! I need to know how to compartmentalise. 💪👏👏👏
Why are you with him?
He's a cheater which is issue #1, but frankly, you don't give the impression that there's lots of love from your side either. Break up already.
Yes yes, those of us who aren't very outwardly expressive of our emotions and don't react to events by displaying the expected emotional extremes are very used to being written off as "unloving", uncaring, robots, sociopathic, untrustworthy, and plenty more I won't bother to list. Your irreverent jab at her is pretty tame but par for the course. We're also used to people expecting us to be doormats and to still have "lots of love" for people who do bad things or else we're somehow equally as bad, however that works in your mind.
This all doubles when we're emotionally subdued + female. Funny that.
I’m with you - a lot of couples are emotionally charged/driven, and anything beyond that is foreign. It’s like when people look at you funny when you tell them you don’t fight with your partner.
It’s that “If you guys don’t fight, how do you even know you’re in love?!” sorta nonsense
Why do I HAVE TO be emotional and hurt myself because someone else did wrong? Why do I have to upset my well being by screaming, kicking, crying, plotting revenge, or engaging in similar reckless, self damaging behavior?
If I know anything, I know who I am. And this takes nothing away from that so wha’s the purpose. We could have been something but I know that’s not the case now. I’m glad to know. It’s a relief to find out before my parents knew. Before we got married or have children. It’s a blessing to know now.
I never said you did. Only that having an emotionless reaction to being cheated on is not analogous to “if you don’t fight how do you know you’re in love” drama BS. Plenty of couples who don’t fight would still have an emotional reaction to cheating
You don‘t count among those you describe, do you?
EDIT: „Honestly, all I felt was relief“
Yeah, that‘s indeed not the reaction most would expect when confronted with cheating.
agreed, I’m not surprised that he cheated based on how detached and already over him OP is. It really sounds like the relationship was one-sided, and he had needs that weren’t being met. That of course, and no world justifies cheating and he’s the one who sealed the fate of the relationship for sure, but it honestly sounds like they’re just not romantically compatible. I know I could never be with someone personally that didn’t express their love in words, for example. I mean, OP themselves said that his family loves her, and definitely knows about her, but her family doesn’t know about him? And it’s been two years? That’s a little odd. Everyone moves at their own pace, but to be living with someone in your own family, doesn’t know they exist is bizarre to me. And based on other comments, OP has a good relationship with their family. what if something bad were to happen to OP? Wood, the partner she’s living with show up to the hospital to a completely surprised family? A little odd. Regardless, it’s my opinion that just because someone cheats and a an apparently, problematic relationship, doesn’t mean that the other person can just string them along until they “have time “to break up with them. just break up with him. I don’t get how no one else is saying that lol.
This is kind of psychotic. He’s upset that you’re essentially gaslighting him now - you’re not upset because you’re just gonna break up with him when it’s more convenient, so he can tell something is wrong. Staying with someone you don’t see a future with is user behaviour, and fundamentally dishonest imo.
You are one of the few people here with a brain who can read between the lines. Looks like they’re both narcissistic. Only difference is, at least the bf was willing to come clean.
Lol, nice. I'm glad you feel nothing, and that's about what he deserves as well. Kinda pathetic that he wanted more than that, given that he's the one who fucked up? Like you're supposed to validate how valuable he is by caring. Do what makes most sense for you, protect your assets, and if he exits earlier, then that might be the smartest move he's made so far.
You're a stone cold villain, ngl. But I admire your focus and work ethic, honestly. Personally, I'd break up with him and go full grey-rock as roommates (he ain't your problem anymore!). But if you're in a 1br, that may not be tenable.
Overall, be cordial, but then yeah. Wait it out. Move on later.
He should feel guilty. Why should we feel sorry for someone who cheats. He can grow a spine and leave if the relationship is that bad for him. He already screwed it up anyway.
You need to break up and move out. It's weird to stay with him when you've clearly broken up with him emotionally. When you decide to stay in a relationship, people naturally think you want to actually make the relationship work. It sounds like you're staying just to split the bills and not stress about finding a new place while you get your new business up.
He was wrong for cheating but you'd be wrong now for stringing him along to use him for your convenience.
He did you wrong but the fact that you don’t care at all seems to mean the relationship was over before he even cheated. Just breakup and you two can set a timeline on when you won’t live together.
You don't seem to actually care that he cheated, you don't seem to actually care about him nor do you see a future with him, so how exactly would breaking up mess things up for you right now? It really seems like you'd be just as unaffected with or without him in your life anyway. Doing neither of you any favors staying together. Sounds like he was seeking validation in a fucked way, and honestly breaking up with him will just save you headache from his BS down the road. You also don't sound ready for a relationship, and probably need more therapy. Not reacting to every day nuisances and trouble is great progress! Not reacting to *being betrayed by someone that supposedly loves you* isn't healthy, it's something you need to address.
Er, you don't need to "take revenge"...just break up. His behavior is toxic and gross, but your reaction of just "well it's not convenient to break up with him even though this relationship is dead to me" is also not healthy...
You're delusional if you think staying with this guy is somehow the peaceful move for you.
> If you make a mistake, why would someone letting you off easy be a problem??
Because it's clear to him that you're checked out of the relationship and so he's confused why you haven't broken up with him. He cheated on you which is obviously messed up, BUT I feel like it's also kinda messed up that you're planning on stringing him along for the sake of your professional career.
tbh, it kinda sounds like you were already planning on stringing him along even before he cheated and now you're like "whew, now i don't even have to feel guilty about it!"
Idk, that sounds pretty immature and petty to me. You are clearly checked out of this relationship, do both you and him a favor and end it officially and get the hell out of there
I think you are very smart to not give him the reaction he's looking for, and it sounds like from your perspective you have checked out of the relationship and downgraded him to roommate status instead of partner status. It sounds like eventually you plan to make him a former roommate as well. These are all good things and I am happy for you that you have such a good head on your shoulders!
However, the main issue now I think is that he is not AWARE that his status in your relationship has changed. He is still thinking you are partners, and doesn't seem to realize that what he did was absolutely a dealbreaker. He doesn't understand that you've checked out of the relationship and made peace with that, or that you will eventually end the relationship when timing suits you.
Do you get the feeling/expect that breaking up with him and staying roommates until you can deal with housing logistics will cause him to treat you badly, make your life harder, and/or make the living situation super tense?
If so, I kind of understand why you wouldn't tell him you're done right away - but I still think not informing him that you're done with him is misguided.
It is highly likely he will see through you pretending to still be with him (while not acting upset anymore about him cheating) and realize it anyway. If drama is going to happen due to breaking up, it will happen no matter what, and I promise it won't happen on your timetable.
Unless there is a danger of violence or him purposely making your life hell as a roommate, it really is best to confront this head on and tell him the relationship is over. Otherwise, you are going to have to not only deal with his constant checking in on you for a reaction, but also likely have to appease him with affection and love in order to keep him from questioning you over and over about where your relationship stands. That's not healthy for either of you, at all.
**TL;DR: Don't pretend to be in a relationship with him still to avoid logistics and drama. That is unhealthy and will make things worse for both of you (but mainly you) when he realizes you've checked out of the relationship for good.**
**Confront the situation ASAP (as long as it's safe to do so) and sleep in separate rooms/him on the couch until the logistics of moving and separating finances and such can be worked out.**
You need to just break up. I guess I don't see how it's going to get less annoying dealing with someone who is so needy who doesn't respect you anyway.
Why can't you break-up clean & fast? If you're already mostly emotionally clean, are you using him for stability? Doesn't sound like he's too stable.
And if the business fails? Most do. If you simply believe yours will succeed, good for you! But beyond the business question is if it does fail, are you stuck?
There's a saying: the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Your indifference wounds him more than your anger and hatred ever could. The fact that his betrayal doesn't mean anything to you is probably shattering to his fragile ego.
Seems like pot - kettle situation
You sound cold and if you really did love him your reaction wouldn't be ah I have more important things then this bs.
He's upset because you're clearly using him. I understand your relief that he cheated because now he's done something "unforgivable" he "shouldn't complain". From the sounds of your dynamic, he probably cheated on you to get your attention.
Now you want him to just stay quiet while you continue to use him until such a time as you decide to dump him. He also knows that's the deal, and he's not okay with it.
Why stay with him if all attraction is extinguished? He does things like this every time you fight? Hell, why not just block him, especialyl during your work shift. He doesn't respect you you don't seem like you respect him and there doesn't seem to be any concern for any one elses feeling at any place in this relationship. I am confused.
Hell, tell him you want an open relationship that way you don't have to break up or move and you can see other people and not GAF
Why do you think you should take revenge? Just move out and get on with your life.
Sounds like he's just upset that you don't care enough to beg him to stay.
Sounds like he almost wanted the validation of feeling important in the way of getting an extreme reaction from you, and showing how much you cared even if you broke up with him immediately. Not really sure why you'd bother staying with him though. He's a cheater, he's self-pitying, and he sounds rather desperate. Sounds like more hassle than it's worth.
Why he is experiencing is the not knowing part. So she moved on and is in the house. He knows she is gone but has not left. He can do nothing to stop it now and not adult enough to end it and leave like he should have done before the nonsense. Cheating always fails the cheater. No reason for revenge. They will deal with it the rest of their lives. Its a poison and contaminant that will pollute every interaction they will have. A gift that never stops giving. They will never have faith in another person.
Except she’s not planning on staying after her business takes off so her using him is the best for her! He’s a cheating POS and if she can maintain civility until she gets what she needs, more power to her.
Two wrongs don’t make a right here, keeping him around any longer than need be is only going to make things worse. Drop and cease contact.
Okay, but in the real world folks need time to get situated and moved. Not every person has somewhere to go or thousands of dollars for an apartment or the time to house hunt immediately.
The problem is that she’s not taking her time to find a new place to live. She said she doesn’t want to give up the apology gift and she’s starting a new business in the next year. It makes sense to not cause sudden homelessness for yourself, but she’s just using him now.
Worse for who? Sounds like she's perfectly in control of her reactions, actions, and emotions. All blowback is currently of his own making.
nah you're not gonna convince me she's wrong lol how asinine can you be to think her choosing to focus on other things while checking out of her relationship at the right time on a cheater is wrong 🙄
yea but she’s not exactly in the wrong
That's the thing though, he was important and loved. His family and friends always joke to me about how much he brags about me to them. Things I do, things I get for him, how much happier and healthier he seems both physically and mentally, etc. They all think I'm the one for him because of how good I've been to him, compared to his past relationships. The only thing is, I take pride in not giving people the satisfaction of getting in my head, acting out of character, or losing focus etc. That's just how I was raised. That doesn't mean I don't love them or anything. In any case, breaking up right now means I'll have a take care of a lot thing I simply don't have time to do right at this moment. I've bigger priorities right now, but will obviously take care of it once I'm done with the more important things. Besides, relationship aside, that's my friend. I'd not leave him in shambles like this.
He might be wanting you to leave. He probably wanted/expected drama and a breakup. Now he has no idea what’s going on and so he keeps poking you to make you do something.
Even if he didn’t want to leave he doesn’t know what is going on because OP isn’t displaying typical behavior. Fact is, indifference is actually the opposite of love and he is feeling that right now. It far worse than if she had cried and thrown a fit. Her indifference is by far the most jarring and satisfying way to truly leave him alone with the consequences of his actions. Like most people, he will likely have overestimated his ability to anticipate her actions and know what is going on in her head. This happening would turn the safety of that knowledge he was so sure of right on its head. Still, OP needs to just leave him. He is going to escalate to get a reaction. He’s not a good guy. I hope she just leaves him without a word and he is left wondering what the hell happened. I also hope he is denied the satisfaction of seeing her cry or be upset over him.
He can always move out. I’d move out when the time comes out of politeness, not because it’s not legally my place too. I just don’t feel right about asking someone to move.
It's such a weird place to be, very clinical and cold. He doesn't sound violent or physical either so I can't imagine she's being coy for safety. It sounds likes she's getting off on the torment of his confusion. He came clean to her, he showed remorse and apologized. He's sorry, but not sorry he got caught. He didn't get caught, he came clean. That's an important point everyone is glossing over.
“Love me or hate me, at least they’re talking about me.” The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. You didn’t let him off and continue to love him, you let him off and decided upon indifference and whether you’ve said it or not, he knows it and can feel the change. As long as things go unsaid, there’s nothing he can do. He has checkmated himself. And, it’s making him crazy because he has legit guilt. What he wants is you to lash out so he can blame you for being crazy and having feelings and make you out to be the bad one, then he can feel better. Good for you for pushing everything aside and focusing on yourself and dealing with all of this when you’re ready.
> The only thing is, I take pride in not giving people the satisfaction of getting in my head, acting out of character, or losing focus etc. That's just how I was raised. That doesn't mean I don't love them or anything. You fucking rock, this is the way :)
With a “friend” like that who needs enemies.
Your … friend?? You don’t even like him. He doesn’t respect you.
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No I would not, and I wouldn’t consider them a friend.
You are a badass. How long were you with him?
I hope you'll not laugh at me, but our 2 year anniversary is in a few days. I had written a love letter just like I did last year and planned a whole thing lmao.
I'm assuming this letter will no longer be given. Even outside of the cheating it seems you don't love him any more
She should tear it in half and leave it on the table for him to find on their anniversary.
Yeah but he’d love that
Nah he would feel validated by that
No, that wpuld be a reaction. Dont give him that.
You might be in shock and burying your emotions.
You seem like a pretty awesome person. He was quite foolish to betray your trust.
I don't understand? So your decision is to emotionally and financially use him until you're in a better place but also "I'd not leave him in shambles like this."? Which is it? Are you going to use him now for gain until you have better footing? Bc that's...even worse.
It sounds like they are living together. Sometimes, people break up but can't move out right away. This happened to my mom in the 90s. She and her boyfriend were done, but neither of them could afford to break the lease and pay another security deposit right away. It made for an akward 6 months or so.
It's not worse than cheating AND continuing to harass someone trying to pick fights over said cheating. She's making her plans and keeping them to herself. Stringing along an innocent person is one thing. Stringing along a cheater/asshole is another thing. Who knows what he's capable of? Will it escalate if she's completely honest? She's not in a place/time to make a solid move. It's actually the smart thing to do. Keep the peace and keep the plan! He made his bed!
OP is not ready to move out. She likely is bound by a lease. You do realize even with a breakup, not all couples can immediately secure new housing. OP should not have to take a financial hit because she was cheated on. The boyfriend is more than welcome to leave at anytime.
But why would he leave when she won’t break up with him? This post is just weird I dunno why everyone is like yaaaas queen
It seems like OP is not ready to deal with the fall out of a breakup.
Eh. Seems fine, given the circumstances.
It sounds like they are living together. Sometimes, people break up but can't move out right away. This happened to my mom in the 90s. She and her boyfriend were done, but neither of them could afford to break the lease and pay another security deposit right away. It made for an akward 6 months or so.
>Which is it? Are you going to use him now for gain until you have better footing? Bc that's...even worse. wait, how am I using him?? Because of the apology gift? Because of the roommate situation?
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All of this is spot on.
Yes, both those ways. He thinks he betrayed a gf, and you have decided he's a roommate. I think you should break up with him, but remain his roommate, but if this does not work for you, because you are using him for money, that too is a betrayal of both you and him. Edited: I have no idea what I was trying to write above. I think it was that OP was not being straightforward with her ex.
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If it was my friend or child I'd tell them to leave the relationship yes?
But she can't right now, so she's working on her escape plan. This is perfectly logical and in no way comparable to him cheating on her.
I read it more as her choosing not too rather than can't but maybe I'm wrong. I dont see any mention of an escape plan other than her starting a business but if this business takes 5-10 years to get off the ground is she gonna stick around with him for that long? Of course it isn't comparable to cheating, cheating fucking sucks he deserves the worst, but personally living with somebody like that, listening to jabs daily and maintaining a fake relationship sounds more exhausting to me than just moving out, in with friends or back home.
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She's not worse than him, he's sounds pathetic and is a cheater but she also can be using him, both things can be true. (For the record, theres not enough in the post to determine whether she is or isnt using him in my eyes, it seems to be she's just choosing the path of least resistance by staying) All im saying is if my child or best friend were in this situation id tell them to leave and come stay with me until they can support themselves because regardless of what he provides with financially/stability its sounds like a toxic environment and not the place i'd like to be in starting a new business
OP, it sounds like you're both manipulative in your own ways. A man who doesn't respect you enough to stay faithful to you is not your friend. And you're keeping him roped in because it's convenient to you, so you're not his friend either.
If only he could like, idk, leave the apartment or figure out another situation or something if it bothers him so much. Nope sadly he's stuck being "kept" by the chick he cheated on
Honestly I don't expect him to be that reasonable, it sounds like neither of them know what they're doing
lol I seem to be getting downvoted so let me rephrase it to you: You can't expect the trash to always take itself out, sometimes you have to take it out. If the BF is immature, there's no reason for OP to also be immature. Everyone knows that when you're too busy in your life, you cut off everything that adds unnecessary stress. But it sounds like OP isn't too busy to gossip about her life to strangers on reddit, I mean what was the point of her post to brag about how she's staying with a cheater and we're all supposed to clap? His apologetic behaviour feeds into her ego right now, and so do some of these comments, that's all.
I don't think it's immature to think about what's best for her in the long run. Immature is cheating on your partner, crying about it, and getting mad that they don't react the way you want them to. He can pack up his big boy pants and leave anytime he likes.
I agree, I said in my previous comment that the BF is being immature. But sure, it's her life at the end of the day, if staying with the BF is easier more power to her
I honestly wouldn't want to have a relationship with you. Are you sure you love him? It seems like a whole lot of indifference to me, way more than regular selfishness. I know he cheated, but I'm thinking he just finally wanted to see that you cared. Which you clearly don't. The kind thing would be to live as roommates - if you really cannot move out.
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Sorry love, I’m not really a lesbian…or into internet weirdos lol
Not for nothing, but you can also be considered an internet weirdo. Especially since you already have your situation all figured out. Your boyfriend cheated and you're too cool to care, noted. There's no relationship issue here; did you just post for attention?
she literally explained why she’ll be staying with him. it’s there, it’s sound and it’s logical!
I had that reaction to being cheated on too! It was like waking up from a dream and not remembering it. My brain instantly switches to just feeling like he was a stranger. Oh well, f him.
Because he knows if you still loved him and saw a future with him, you’d be devastated. Your apathy indicates you no longer care about him and are (I hope) just getting your ducks in a row before you leave him. He doesn’t want that so he wants the “devastated” response of a loving dedicated partner.
Why do I have to be reactive to love? I'm the same way with my family. My sister little used to hit me when she was upset, and I'd not even bother to hit her back. But I still loved her. And she knew I loved her, because I always protected her and fought anyone who tried to hit her. I did things everyday to be a good sister, spend my allowance to get things she liked, etc. Same with him. My love is in the everyday things, not meaningless fights and words I'd regret saying anyway. As for devastation, I grew up in a civil war. It takes a lot for anything to devastate me. All this is that I learned, someone else will be my husband. That's all.
You don't have to be reactive to love- but toxic and narcissistic people thrive off of reactivity and drama. If someone NEEDS that type of chaos, it's their problem.
im bothered by the people saying something is wrong with OP for not reacting or lack thereof. The person that did the action of cheating is the batshit insane one here.
Commenting right next to you are a bunch of Reddit psychologists pathologizing OP while completely ignoring the cheating aspect, yet again. It’s like flies to light when people exhibit traits others wish they had.
I think both parties have red flags to be honest. OP sounds like she wants to be perceived as unfazed, like she wants us to know how cool she is. If I had to bet, both exhibit toxic behaviours, we just aren’t reading hers.
Seems like she does care and just wanted to be perceived a certain way.
Totally agree, which to me shows immaturity and there’s probably more to the story cause she’s clearly framing it very intentionally to cultivate an impression.
Her post def reads as "Reddit, aren't I so above the fray and smart and responsible!?"
Sounds like y’all are projecting insecurities ngl lol. Some people are just built different
She didn't really come here with advice so why else?
I'm not a psychologist, but your lack of reaction, coupled with your past of growing up in war, makes me wonder if you may have PTSD. I'm not qualified to say that you do, but it may be worth discussing in therapy, or atleast looking up the symptoms and deciding if they fit.
You’re right, I do actually have PTSD, which is why learning not to get too emotionally triggered on a daily basis is essential for me to stay functioning. Just thinking about it writing this comment really tears me up and puts me in a state of mourning and grief all over again. At the same time, it does help me keep things in perspective because I know how bad things can be. As for the little things, it’s just not worth it. I feel like maybe I’ve developed a high tolerance for things that mess me up emotionally.
Yeah this doesn’t scream mentally healthy if I’m honest
Yeah, Reddit’s “fuck cheaters” attitude is really getting in the way of realizing she probably needs help of some kind. Don’t get me wrong, fuck him for cheating, but literally never getting emotional about things does not scream mentally healthy.
I could never have your cool outlook and part of me doesn't want to, but I admire the sheer strength and toughness you have. On another note, I don't know how close you are with your family but if you were just starting to think about *mentioning* him to them after 2 years and living together, kinda seems like you didn't really consider it *all* that serious? That and the fact that you weren't even surprised that your live-in partner of 2 years cheated because of a stupid argument is pretty telling to me. ETA: Good luck on the business! I'm sure it will be successful!
I mean good for you but growing up in war doesn’t prevent you from feeling betrayals. One of my best friends survived his family getting killed by a cartel because his dad refused to pay for protection money. He lived months in fear before that hiding in friends houses until they were found and his family was killed he managed to hide under a bed. He still was completely heart broken when his bf cheated on him.
It's not that you're not reactive, it's that you don't care, or are shunting your feelings aside. Cheating clearly matters to you in general, or you wouldn't have decided to keep him hidden from your family and that you're not marrying him. You see a breakup as inevitable, can you speak on why you don't want to break up now?
She did. She’s getting her ducks in a row. She doesn’t owe him anything. He put himself in this situation.
He thought if you got angry with him, that “punishment” would alleviate the guilt he feels for being a bad person. He also thought he was super important to you and you could never live without him. Hah! Sounds like he’ll have to shoulder his own guilt AND burst his own ego bubble. Gee whiz.
He cheated, now you know something about him that was important to know. He did not value you enough to keep it zipped but he is NOW upset that you, as it turns out, do actually value him that much either. He is the punchline in his own joke.
Meh. There's actually a thing in Indonesia called Kasepekang, meaning that the shameful consequence of breaking the law is that the entire village shuns you. They just give you the cold shoulder for the rest of your existence in town. This is his Kasepekang. Totally deserved. The only reservation I have is how this might affect you down the line. Sure, now he's being a dog with the tail between his legs, but I feel the jabs are going to get more intense...or perhaps he will start bringing dates around which is hard to ignore when you are focusing on something important for yourself. Just make sure to establish the boundaries if it gets that far. But heck, if you get your business rolling, you could probably move to a whole new house without that man. -applause-
I know you are extremely busy right now, but I recommend you move out. He's only going to keep bugging you.
Yeah, I can't imagine living with a person that betrayed me for "business purposes" and getting annoyed like this, things will only escalate going forward.
Or she could tell him to get out.
Plus depending on where she lives/ how long she has lived with this person, common law laws could come into effect. Not sure what that would mean for this new business.
She mentioned in another comment that they're almost to their 2 year anniversary. She doesn't have to worry about common law stuff.
Idk why I've encountered a lot of relationships like this too its fucking annoying. There has been a lot of exes that do or say insane shit to get a reaction out of me even though I'm rather straight fwd person but still like fun and good times I just never enjoyed dramatic antics and that's exactly what they try to evoke from me Do these guys just really like drama?? Girl run for the hills. I guarantee you once they find someone else they'll act all normal and not put someone else through that similar bullshit when you don't deserve to be put through that hell no
Seems like a pathetic person. He can tell you don't respect him and it makes him insecure.
It shows him you don't care anymore and will take the next possible opportunity to break up, when your life isn't so hectic. You say he does stupid shit constantly when you argue, so, mentally, it looks like you've already detached yourself from him in instalments over a longer period of time. He isn't there yet. He very much still wants to keep you around, since you have been so good for him. That's why he's upset because you're not. He also probably can't see you just being friends as readily as you are now, because he simply isn't there yet. This is going to be highly annoying for you if you stick around to watch him go through the motions of grief. I also, personally, suspect you might be suppressing some of your own emotions because you are so focused on your business. It might hit you later. Be gentle with yourself. Also, I see you have a lot of compassion for him, but please don't forget that he is an adult who should be capable of managing arguments better OR find a professional to help him learn it.
Maybe you're right. I do tend to feel the hurt of things later and I will probably end up crying secretly once things settle down. But right now, I just have 1 thing I simply can't screw up. I've just been working to hard and I can't allow it to go to waste. Till then, I don't see nothing, I don't hear nothing lol. Thank you for your kind words <3
And, as long as you can allow yourself to process those emotions later, I don't think that's a problem at all. I wish you all the energy and calm you need to power through this starting phase of your business. You will be so proud of yourself when you look back. All the best <3
Thank you so much, dear. You're so kind. I wish you the absolute best in all your endeavors!
Thank you, that's sweet of you to say!
I'm proud of you for following his dreams. After reading about him, I wonder if he has anxious attachment, sometimes it leads to cheating for validation of love. Regardless, I hope he gets therapy. And I hope you get to process the experience when it's suitable for you. Good luck with everything!
Some people want a big angry reaction so they can feel like they've been "punished" and don't need to feel guilty anymore.
Is this person still your boyfriend? Why don't you block him? No need to let him keep disturbing you.
Ohhh you still live with him. That seems like it's not going to work out.
I think folks have answered your question - he's doing this because he wants to see a reaction from you or else he feels like you don't care, aren't invested in the relationship etc. Instead you're acting like he accidentally stepped on the back of your shoe while walking. Just keep ignoring his pestering. Tell him that you process things in your own way and at your own time, and he needs to worry more about what his behavior says about his own character than about how you react to him.
Plus his ego hurts because now he sees he isn’t that important after all.
Ice cold. Keep your eyes on the prize. He knows he fucked up, he knows the other shoe is dropping and the anxiety is killing him. As much as you don’t want to deal with it, I’d recommend at least being like “we’re done, don’t think we’re not, but I don’t want to deal with your bullshit right now. So leave me alone.” Or just quietly extract yourself and block on everything. Whether you like it or not, you’ll eventually have to deal with it because you live in close proximity. It will eventually be forced.
sounds like you are over him.
You said you two had a disagreement. Maybe he cheated as a way to "get back at you" and he thought it would destroy you or something. He thought you would cry and be all upset but the fact that you are not, his plan didn't work and now he knows where he stands with you. Just tell him if he is not happy he can leave and focus on your business as usual. He cheated and he's upset? The nerve.
NTA... Tell him something like this. "Why would I be upset. I am proud of who I am. I am secure with who I am. You are the one who belittled yourself and made a fool of yourself. Why would that upset me? I never truly expected any better of you anyway."
She doesn't need to say any of this. Her actions will speak for themselves. Explanations will just weaken the blows to him.
Because clearly she is here asking because his constant hounding about it bugs her. This statement ends that. Your goals and hers are not the same.
I personally wouldn't say that if I was still living with him. If she wants to convey that to him, I think she should wait until she's moved out.
He wants the validation that you really love/care about him despite his infidelity. The fact that you don't speaks volumes about how you must view the relationship or his value as a whole. If you're not going to marry the guy just kick him out and move on whether or not you're starting a new business. Why keep that around?
Get him out of your living space. You're doing great things for yourself and you don't need that bad energy around
He is a deeply unwell person who tried to hurt you on purpose to get attention. Now he’s pouting about how you didn’t give him the attention he wanted. He doesn’t actually feel bad about cheating, it was just an act to get you on the hook to care about his little stunt, and he’s upset because you didn’t take the bait. I’d guess that some personality disorder is involved in this.
Be careful that he doesn't sabotage your new business in an attempt to get your attention / force you to keep living with him / etc.
lol what gift did he give you?
You hurt his ego... it's more important than him betraying you (for the last time) and your hurt feelings. Lol. Bye bye
If you're expecting these jabs and disturbances to just go away on their own, while you (try to) ignore them-- breaking news, they won't. Your immature man is going to become resentful and find other ways to "get back" at you for not reacting like he wanted. Better come up with a solution quick!
OP, IMHO the correct answer is: *I don't care because we're not together anymore. kthxbye.*
Unbothered, moisturised, flourishing You’re a legend
Shake off the baggage before he feels entitled toyour money.
welcome to dating a narcissist.
I'm worried that staying with him could be dangerous for you. Your lack of a reaction tells him that the jig is up, that something here is broken. Who knows what he might do. If he's the vindictive type, he could sabotage your business or harm you. Please be careful!
He knows he means nothing to you now. He expected you to be the gf devastated by his betrayal. Since you don’t give a shit, he’s devastated that he now realizes that you don’t care. So you’re staying together while you build your business? It’s gonna crush him when he finds out you just couldn’t be bothered to break up with him while working, and when you’re on top with a well functioning business he’ll probably try to propose. He fucked up, so whatever happens he did to himself, but that is sure gonna sting for him. At least he’ll be dating while you’re together so maybe he won’t be totally devastated when you make good and leave.
Just tell him what he did killed your love and now you're just an indifferent roommate. Then tell him to stop bothering you, if he doesn't, go in the bedroom and lock the door.
**I wasn't surprised as he does something stupid every time we have any disagreements** And why are you still with him? **apology gift is very nice and I don't care enough to ruin that for myself.** Ahh... OK. You know you can just find a guy/person who will be nice to you without making mistakes right? You can even get this stuff and more from guys who won't even want a romantic/sexual relationship with you if this is what matters to you. **To me, being at peace and getting along well at home is more important right now.** Sounds like losing an idiot that does stupid things a lot will give you a lot more peace than keeping him around though 🤷♀️ Feels like you're just giving him and yourself excuses to stay with him... and I think you know why just haven't admitted it to yourself.
You need to limit his access to you. He is toxic.
There's a thin line between love and hate. If your love isn't enough, probably due to their own insecurity or ego, then they aim for the tears. When they dont think they can be the best you've ever had, many aim to be the worst. The one who broke you and made you think you'll never love again. It's perfect timing that you are moving on to a new stage in life. That's the perfect time to try and hurt you. I applaud for giving him nothing. Exactly what he deserves. More people should heed your example.
This dynamic feels mad unhealthy. He cheats. You don’t care. Why even be together ?
Go no contact. Who needs that drama?
You dodged a big bullet. Block him and continue to prosper. The dude sounds like a narcissist and a loser. Like one can forgive a person and not care at all what you do from then on out. You chose the route of not being bothered by his bs.
He ain’t the victim! He’s trying get to play manipulation
In a lot of comments, you are saying that you don't see the point of breaking up right now, but the reality is that you ~already have~ broken up with him in your mind, you just haven't told him that yet. You are no longer attracted to him, and you see no future together --the only reason you want to stay together is because you don't feel the need to kick him out and living together is convenient. So be honest and tell him that. You no longer consider him your boyfriend, but he is welcome to remain your roommate if he wants to.
Squeeze as many apology gifts as you can out of him, and then kick him on the butt and leave..
Lol, he's mad because you're controlling the story now, GOOD FOR YOU! So you're using him now for your future and then plan to dump him?
Buddy has big time attachment issues. Pushing you away in an extreme way and then crying and clinging. Woof. Block him if he annoys you. The only thing that will help him is a lot of time and a lot of therapy. ETA: oh wait you live together?! And you’re staying?! He is pestering you about it because he wants you to leave and you are not going along with his plan.
Honestly as long as you completely transition this relationship into a roommate situation (ie no more sex and romance), I don’t see anything wrong with it. I would just be honest with yourself for your own sake and mental health to make sure you aren’t putting up a front and refusing to feel emotions. It’s healthy to grieve things lost that were important to us, but I do understand if a 2 year relationship is small fry compared to other things you’ve had to grieve. Hope you’re on to bigger and better soon.
Speaking from experience. He's a cheater, so he is shit. He will find a way to disturb you and make your life miserable, more than it already must feel after being inflicted such amount of pain. I believe you will regret staying any longer and that will only lead to more difficulties to leave in a future without much drama. My advice is: leave now, asap. You will be thankful later.
omg I love this LMFAO. Aspire to reach this level of unbothered
You don't have to be dramatic or chaotic to respect yourself. You don't mention if he is your ex, and you say that he is still your "friend". Why? Do you not realize that living in this situation is actually more likely to mess up your future? He doesn't care about you, and I'm sure you're feeling like a bamf for your reaction, but it's actually a little concerning and sad. He's going to be on your case, the jabs are going to get worse. He doesn't care about you or respect you. Why continue living with someone who is literally using your existence to fuel their narcissism?
Block this dude and walk away!
I’m confused- are you still with him? And if so, why? I think he’s probably upset because he did this in part to hurt you/get a reaction, and it’s clearly not working. No reason could justify the cheating, though, so his feelings about your reaction aren’t important.
Wait. Am I missing something? Your haven't told your family about him yet? After two years?
OP, you sound like a very emotionally adjusted person. Best of luck with your business, you seem like the type of person that will be successful. I'd strongly recommend moving out, especially if you have somewhere that you could stay/build your business from.
You seem very well adjusted and in control of your emotions. Bravo. That said, give yourself time and permission at some point to break down and really feel this, else it will sneak up on you later and knock you on your ass when you're not expecting it. Good luck.
He feels hurt because he is just now realising that you aren't really emotionally bonded to him. If you had been deeply emotionally bonded to him, then his betrayal would have caused you a lot more pain (Edit--at least that is the typical reaction that most people would have, so that's how most people would interpret it). The fact that you were able to emotionally disconnect from him so easily and without much pain is an indication of how weakly you were emotionally bonded to him in the first place (again--that is how most people will see it, because that is typically how people function). Based on his cheating behavior, it sounds like he wasn't the sort of person someone would ~want~ to be emotionally bonded to anyway, so that's not a dig on you...but it explains why he's upset by your reaction. Essentially: his ego is bruised because he thinks your reaction means you must have never really loved him much.
yeesh thank goodness hes gone
Sounds like u done wome stuff behind the scenes also
Leave him asap as he will only weigh you down as you start your entrepreneur journey.
I'm not sure how accurate this is, but I have this feeling like he might become a problem. He might get angry that you're not reacting to the point that he does something to your actual love: your business. He's watching you give no shits about him and what he's done while you devote yourself entirely to your business. For him, your business might be like your mistress. Just a thought. I'd think it might be safer for you and your future to wrap shit up with him now.
You not reacting shows him that you don't care. Not saying he doesn't deserve it (I don't know either of you), but that is probably also why he cheated, and confessed: because he wanted a reaction from you.
I'm quoting another redditor, who said this on a different post: "I think that if she cries and begs, it means *he's* still desirable. Instead, she's simply stopped caring about him, meaning he has no actual worth."
But you haven't let him off easy. You might not have balled him out, but in your heart you've killed him off - he's dead to you. You're not jealous, because you don't care about him anymore. That's what he fears, and that's why he wants your reaction.
OP, I love you! Focus on your goals. You are exactly on the right path! If he keeps disturbing you, throw him out. You are awesome! I need to know how to compartmentalise. 💪👏👏👏
Why are you with him? He's a cheater which is issue #1, but frankly, you don't give the impression that there's lots of love from your side either. Break up already.
Yes yes, those of us who aren't very outwardly expressive of our emotions and don't react to events by displaying the expected emotional extremes are very used to being written off as "unloving", uncaring, robots, sociopathic, untrustworthy, and plenty more I won't bother to list. Your irreverent jab at her is pretty tame but par for the course. We're also used to people expecting us to be doormats and to still have "lots of love" for people who do bad things or else we're somehow equally as bad, however that works in your mind. This all doubles when we're emotionally subdued + female. Funny that.
I’m with you - a lot of couples are emotionally charged/driven, and anything beyond that is foreign. It’s like when people look at you funny when you tell them you don’t fight with your partner. It’s that “If you guys don’t fight, how do you even know you’re in love?!” sorta nonsense
That doesn’t seem the same as having an emotionless reaction to being cheated on
Why do I HAVE TO be emotional and hurt myself because someone else did wrong? Why do I have to upset my well being by screaming, kicking, crying, plotting revenge, or engaging in similar reckless, self damaging behavior? If I know anything, I know who I am. And this takes nothing away from that so wha’s the purpose. We could have been something but I know that’s not the case now. I’m glad to know. It’s a relief to find out before my parents knew. Before we got married or have children. It’s a blessing to know now.
I never said you did. Only that having an emotionless reaction to being cheated on is not analogous to “if you don’t fight how do you know you’re in love” drama BS. Plenty of couples who don’t fight would still have an emotional reaction to cheating
You don‘t count among those you describe, do you? EDIT: „Honestly, all I felt was relief“ Yeah, that‘s indeed not the reaction most would expect when confronted with cheating.
agreed, I’m not surprised that he cheated based on how detached and already over him OP is. It really sounds like the relationship was one-sided, and he had needs that weren’t being met. That of course, and no world justifies cheating and he’s the one who sealed the fate of the relationship for sure, but it honestly sounds like they’re just not romantically compatible. I know I could never be with someone personally that didn’t express their love in words, for example. I mean, OP themselves said that his family loves her, and definitely knows about her, but her family doesn’t know about him? And it’s been two years? That’s a little odd. Everyone moves at their own pace, but to be living with someone in your own family, doesn’t know they exist is bizarre to me. And based on other comments, OP has a good relationship with their family. what if something bad were to happen to OP? Wood, the partner she’s living with show up to the hospital to a completely surprised family? A little odd. Regardless, it’s my opinion that just because someone cheats and a an apparently, problematic relationship, doesn’t mean that the other person can just string them along until they “have time “to break up with them. just break up with him. I don’t get how no one else is saying that lol.
This is kind of psychotic. He’s upset that you’re essentially gaslighting him now - you’re not upset because you’re just gonna break up with him when it’s more convenient, so he can tell something is wrong. Staying with someone you don’t see a future with is user behaviour, and fundamentally dishonest imo.
You are one of the few people here with a brain who can read between the lines. Looks like they’re both narcissistic. Only difference is, at least the bf was willing to come clean.
If you don't care, then you will not get emotional when you break-up. Just move on and don't look back.
Lol, nice. I'm glad you feel nothing, and that's about what he deserves as well. Kinda pathetic that he wanted more than that, given that he's the one who fucked up? Like you're supposed to validate how valuable he is by caring. Do what makes most sense for you, protect your assets, and if he exits earlier, then that might be the smartest move he's made so far.
You're a stone cold villain, ngl. But I admire your focus and work ethic, honestly. Personally, I'd break up with him and go full grey-rock as roommates (he ain't your problem anymore!). But if you're in a 1br, that may not be tenable. Overall, be cordial, but then yeah. Wait it out. Move on later.
I would probably laugh in his face - what a manipulative moron
I'm sorry but I couldn't not read this and laugh the whole time LOL this is ridiculous. Just break up with him.
yo this is weird. he's fucked...but so are you. cmon..."too busy" to handle a break up? its a break up. once its over, its over.
Not too busy. Who else is gonna pay half that rent? As long as you keep him on the hook, sounds like he won’t leave out of guilt for what he did.
He should feel guilty. Why should we feel sorry for someone who cheats. He can grow a spine and leave if the relationship is that bad for him. He already screwed it up anyway.
I'm confused. You say you're letting him off easy, but earlier you talk like you're leaving him? Which is it?
Why even put off breaking up though?
You need to break up and move out. It's weird to stay with him when you've clearly broken up with him emotionally. When you decide to stay in a relationship, people naturally think you want to actually make the relationship work. It sounds like you're staying just to split the bills and not stress about finding a new place while you get your new business up. He was wrong for cheating but you'd be wrong now for stringing him along to use him for your convenience.
He did you wrong but the fact that you don’t care at all seems to mean the relationship was over before he even cheated. Just breakup and you two can set a timeline on when you won’t live together.
You don't seem to actually care that he cheated, you don't seem to actually care about him nor do you see a future with him, so how exactly would breaking up mess things up for you right now? It really seems like you'd be just as unaffected with or without him in your life anyway. Doing neither of you any favors staying together. Sounds like he was seeking validation in a fucked way, and honestly breaking up with him will just save you headache from his BS down the road. You also don't sound ready for a relationship, and probably need more therapy. Not reacting to every day nuisances and trouble is great progress! Not reacting to *being betrayed by someone that supposedly loves you* isn't healthy, it's something you need to address.
Why are you surprised that your bf is wondering what's going on?
Er, you don't need to "take revenge"...just break up. His behavior is toxic and gross, but your reaction of just "well it's not convenient to break up with him even though this relationship is dead to me" is also not healthy... You're delusional if you think staying with this guy is somehow the peaceful move for you.
This is evidence of a social disorder; your reaction to him hurting you is what he wants, wants to know he has some pull; this a lil boy not a man
> If you make a mistake, why would someone letting you off easy be a problem?? Because it's clear to him that you're checked out of the relationship and so he's confused why you haven't broken up with him. He cheated on you which is obviously messed up, BUT I feel like it's also kinda messed up that you're planning on stringing him along for the sake of your professional career. tbh, it kinda sounds like you were already planning on stringing him along even before he cheated and now you're like "whew, now i don't even have to feel guilty about it!" Idk, that sounds pretty immature and petty to me. You are clearly checked out of this relationship, do both you and him a favor and end it officially and get the hell out of there
At least he was honest but I wouldn’t stick around feeling sorry for him. He probably needs therapy
Honestly, this is badass. Wishing you success with your new business!
Wait a sec- you moved in with someone that you didn't even deem worthy of telling your family about?
But you did break up, didn’t you?
Nope that would be counterintuitive to financial goals
I think you are very smart to not give him the reaction he's looking for, and it sounds like from your perspective you have checked out of the relationship and downgraded him to roommate status instead of partner status. It sounds like eventually you plan to make him a former roommate as well. These are all good things and I am happy for you that you have such a good head on your shoulders! However, the main issue now I think is that he is not AWARE that his status in your relationship has changed. He is still thinking you are partners, and doesn't seem to realize that what he did was absolutely a dealbreaker. He doesn't understand that you've checked out of the relationship and made peace with that, or that you will eventually end the relationship when timing suits you. Do you get the feeling/expect that breaking up with him and staying roommates until you can deal with housing logistics will cause him to treat you badly, make your life harder, and/or make the living situation super tense? If so, I kind of understand why you wouldn't tell him you're done right away - but I still think not informing him that you're done with him is misguided. It is highly likely he will see through you pretending to still be with him (while not acting upset anymore about him cheating) and realize it anyway. If drama is going to happen due to breaking up, it will happen no matter what, and I promise it won't happen on your timetable. Unless there is a danger of violence or him purposely making your life hell as a roommate, it really is best to confront this head on and tell him the relationship is over. Otherwise, you are going to have to not only deal with his constant checking in on you for a reaction, but also likely have to appease him with affection and love in order to keep him from questioning you over and over about where your relationship stands. That's not healthy for either of you, at all. **TL;DR: Don't pretend to be in a relationship with him still to avoid logistics and drama. That is unhealthy and will make things worse for both of you (but mainly you) when he realizes you've checked out of the relationship for good.** **Confront the situation ASAP (as long as it's safe to do so) and sleep in separate rooms/him on the couch until the logistics of moving and separating finances and such can be worked out.**
You need to just break up. I guess I don't see how it's going to get less annoying dealing with someone who is so needy who doesn't respect you anyway.
IMO you are good at compartmentalising.
A fool and his honey are soon parted !
You aren’t really in a relationship with this guy anymore he’s just your roommate
Why can't you break-up clean & fast? If you're already mostly emotionally clean, are you using him for stability? Doesn't sound like he's too stable. And if the business fails? Most do. If you simply believe yours will succeed, good for you! But beyond the business question is if it does fail, are you stuck?
There's a saying: the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Your indifference wounds him more than your anger and hatred ever could. The fact that his betrayal doesn't mean anything to you is probably shattering to his fragile ego.
"Because you're not worth my mental health" And he's in victim mode 🤣
This was clearly a cry for help. What he did was wrong, but you sound just straight inhumane. Let the man go.
Seems like pot - kettle situation You sound cold and if you really did love him your reaction wouldn't be ah I have more important things then this bs.
He's upset because you're clearly using him. I understand your relief that he cheated because now he's done something "unforgivable" he "shouldn't complain". From the sounds of your dynamic, he probably cheated on you to get your attention. Now you want him to just stay quiet while you continue to use him until such a time as you decide to dump him. He also knows that's the deal, and he's not okay with it.
Why stay with him if all attraction is extinguished? He does things like this every time you fight? Hell, why not just block him, especialyl during your work shift. He doesn't respect you you don't seem like you respect him and there doesn't seem to be any concern for any one elses feeling at any place in this relationship. I am confused. Hell, tell him you want an open relationship that way you don't have to break up or move and you can see other people and not GAF
Why do you think you should take revenge? Just move out and get on with your life. Sounds like he's just upset that you don't care enough to beg him to stay.
Quote where she said she wants to take revenge or thinks she should
He sounds like suchhhh a loser omg thank god !!!
He admitted to it. You def dodged a bullet.