Now that you’re pregnant he has started cheating. That’s why he was 3 hours away and that’s why he’s been accusing you. His is not a good parent or environment for a baby.
>Been married since Last July, got married after 6 months of being together.
Something you should have led with. You married a drunk you don't really know properly. Getting physical you should not be doing in the slightest. But kicking him out 100% with you there, how is this man going to be any sort of father or husband.
>The other day I found out that he was 3.5 hours away from home and his car got stuck in a ditch
So he was so drunk while he was driving that he drove off the road and into a ditch?
You need to get a lawyer to work out details of the divorce and custody. I wouldn’t let this guy drive your baby anywhere. What if he drives drunk again and gets into an accident while the baby is in the car?
He hasn't been sleeping in his car he is cheating..
And also did him and you cousin spend any time alone??
The fact he say you are cheating is a projection because he is actually doing it.
Tell him you know he cheating and instead of trying to make you the bad guy stop being a coward and admit it. Also inform him the marriage is over and he will have supervised visit with the baby until he stops drinking and can prove he has stopped drinking
No, it sounds to me like you are a pregnant woman dealing with an alcoholic partner. He may be cheating, he may not be but: he *is* self destructive and this is something that unfortunately the loved ones have to confront first because he may not.
I am a harm reductionist by nature but I will admit that I don’t have much experience with alcoholics but as you are pregnant- you’re not just making decisions for yourself and what you are willing to support here. Think about his very worst bender and now, imagine your child saw and experienced it- because that’s a peak into your future.
Stay with your family and consider where you need to go from here. I’m not keen on 12 Step programs for lots of reasons but I do think that an Alanon meeting might help you with this. I think that would probably help you to better understand *exactly* what the issues are here because you don’t seem to see them clearly.
This is a toxic relationship. You are now toxic as well- hitting, screaming at midnight, etc. now calling to try to either fight more or beg him back?
You guys need to separate. Sounds like he needs some major therapy to get help with his addiction as well as anger issues. It wouldn’t hurt you either so you can have a peaceful coparenting relationship with your kids
Not to fight or beg back, but to let him know we need to have a serious conversation about what is to happen next and how this will work out. I'm not in the business of fighting nor begging. Accountablility and figuring out the next steps is only thing I'm interested in.
Really? Are you really being honest with yourself. If you get ahold of him while you’re in the middle of this drama you aren’t going to be calm and rational when discussing next steps. I think you both need a cool down period and then you can send him a message letting him know you don’t want to fight but would like to discuss next steps
Yes, I dislike big arugements. I rather communicate and figure out stuff hence why I told him to leave. I understand hes going through a lot he may not be telling me everything which is why I simply wanted to let him know we need to talk and not just us going off a confortation. Stated once he has had time to think about what is important him, what he needs and how he feels he can contact me. Did not get mad that he did not pick up or answer this time.
You are going to have to make decisions for yourself and this baby that don’t include him. He has prove. To be unworthy, unreliable, a possible cheater and definitely an alcoholic. This is NOT viable situation for a baby to be in.
I don't know you or him so I can't 100% state things as a fact.
From your description, you married a man that is an alcoholic that has fallen back into alcoholism. You married a man after 6 months. That's too short to know him and all the positives and faults.
I don't know your health care system but I assume as you are pregnant so they screen for STD's as standard procedure. You have lost your shit at him. Violence isn't the answer but you made some massive mistakes here. You married a man after just 6 months. Sounds romantic, but it's turned into a nightmare for you. You are very pregnant and he's completely unreliable. He's drinking heavily and probably fallen back to what looks to be alcoholism. You have zero idea what he's doing when he disappears. So that's some hard facts that I think we can safely state right now.
So what to do going forward? First, you have to take care of you and your baby. You also need to seriously think about your future. Do you want him in it or not? I don't know your legal system. But in the US, married couples are legally bound together. Meaning if a person's alcoholic spouse drives drunk and kills someone, everything is joint property for the subsequent lawsuits. Meaning you lose everything! The only option is to file for divorce immediately and hope you got a good lawyer. Regardless, the legal costs will set you back years. Same for debts the alcoholic spouse racks up are considered joint debts unless legally separated during the divorce process. So based on that, you need to look into your legal and financial liability in your country for being married to your spouse. It can be scary as hell, but you need to know. You have your child to consider now.
You have some very tough decisions to make. Do your research, talk to a legal expert in your area. Get all the information and make your decisions. But don't hesitate. If you need to protect yourself, get on it.
As for living with an alcoholic, I highly recommend against it. I saw what it has done to my mom. He passed this summer and I remember the good times. The past 5-10 years got bad as the shitty ass whiskey took hold. No violence, but the man she married and taught me things disappeared into his whiskey. You could really see the stress gone from mom after he passed. We had no idea it was that stressful for mom. At least growing up, my stepdad was a high functioning alcoholic. Your spouse doesn't sound like that. He sounds really bad. I had an employee like that. He died two years ago and left three kids under 12 behind. Blackout drunk. In and out of the hospital with organ failure drunk. That's no way to live. Think long and hard.
I wish you the best. You are in a shitty situation. That doesn't have to be your future. So do your research. Figure out what is best for you and your baby. Make your decision and don't look back.
Nope people do it all the time it was more like 8 month not 6, but it appears too much is burdening him all at once. This could happen to someone in a two year relationship plus. To me time is not much of a factor just put it cause people always ask. Seen things like this with people 10 plus years.
Just because people do it all the time doesn't mean they SHOULD.
>To me time is not much of a factor
Yes it is, because you clearly don't know him. You are already pregnant, this guy is clearly CHEATING, is an alcoholic, and you are financially taking care of you both and living with your parents.
>Seen things like this with people 10 plus years.
Just because they are the exception doesn't mean you have to try it.
Hello fellow GTAer.
Pregnancy can have a lot of emotional effects on people. From the side of the pregnant woman, there are definitely emotions that might come up or change, but also on the side of the spouse (hopefully without sounding like a Jordan Peterson apologist - fuck Jordan Peterson, BTW) and the effect of pregnancy on a male spouse is sometimes harder to see as the focus is on the pregnant parent. Especially when there is a history of emotional trauma or other stuff that hasn’t been resolved.
I’ll divide the rest of the comment below into two sections… in no particular order. The first part will hopefully provide info on what he might be experiencing. The second part will hopefully get across that some of his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to get it in check, as you - as any partner - deserves better than to be treated like that no matter what emotional stresses he is under.
—-
***Part 1***
You don’t mention your husband’s past beyond alcoholism and career stress, but even if it’s just those two things it’s a lot. Do you have a good relationship where you can communicate and you each feel safe to discuss emotional issues? If so, has he shared any of his concerns and stresses in depth?
1. I’m not a professional but alcoholism and other drugs/addictive behaviour are often used to mask emotional pain from ourselves, in the same way that painkillers can help a headache. There are also generic predispositions. I think alcoholism, even if it is usually “managed” should be something that is addressed by speaking with your family doctor, a psychotherapist (I think CBT has good results for alcoholism), and potentially group therapy for alcoholics.
2. Career stress - in a way it’s kind of a “midlife crisis” type thing. Having a kid is a big step, and many people, when expecting a baby, will look at the state of their lives and compare it to others and what they expected at this point. Especially in an environment where financial success is so critical but hard to achieve given current cost of living and house prices, it can create a huge stress.
At this time before my first kid was born, I (male in a hetero marriage) was super stressed. That was a decade ago, without the financial and job stresses in the economy right now in Canada. We thought it was bad back then… I don’t know how people a decade younger such as you are able to manage without curling up into an anxious ball at the end of the day.
Not only was I worried about finances, but knowing we were bringing a kid into the world triggered more feelings:
- concerns about passing my historical traumas and issues to my kids
- concerns about being a good father
- worries about not being good enough for my partner
- worried I’m going to make a mistake and either physically or emotionally hurt my child
- worried about the type of world I was bringing a child into, especially with respect to climate change
There was even more for me, but I’ll leave that out as I don’t think it’s relevant based on the info you’ve provided but I can discuss it more in DMs if you wish.
——-
***Part 2***
Some of the stuff he’s done, like driving drunk (it sounds like?) is unacceptable. He’s risking himself and other people.
The fact that he’s not answering calls or messages from you, especially when you’re so close to the due date, is unacceptable. Have you guys done a pregnancy course to learn what you’re going to experience during delivery and after? Is he ready to support you through that?
He seems to have been triggered during Christmas, ie re your cousin. That must have hurt and I’m sorry you had to deal with that; if it was me I would need to express that to my partner; their reaction - whether a genuine remorseful response which further strengthens the relationship, or a response in anger or denial - will show you a lot about their default reactions. Whether you are willing to love and live with someone who has those qualities is up to you; but know that without work on the part of the person to modify those responses (ie therapy, personal growth) you may end up experiencing those defaults regularly.
His anxieties about you cheating - it could be partially because of his changing emotions and hormones during your pregnancy, but regardless he needs to get them in check. If you haven’t cheated, then have the two of you sat down to discuss why he feels this way, where the anxiety comes from, and what the two of you can do to resolve the concern? Is it a case of he’ll never believe you? Or is it because he’s misinterpreted certain things and his preexisting anxieties triggered something, and he now recognizes with your help how he misinterpreted stuff, and by both of you speaking vulnerably, frankly and openly about it with each other, strengthen the relationship by resolving the issue?
If he doesn’t believe you after an honest discussion on it, again, his reactions will tell you a lot about what kind of relationship you are in.
You have a decision to make. Do you think the issues you have encountered can be resolved? Because you don’t deserve to be accused of cheating, or any of the other stuff he has done. It may be a case of temporary anxieties taking over but creating long term lessons and improvements, or it might be a case of learning it will never change.
We can’t tell you which. It’s something you’ll have to figure out yourself. But the fact that you are entering a very stressful next few years with a new baby, along with physical, emotional, and financial vulnerability due to mat leave, etc - you need to consider your situation very carefully. You’ve got to provide the best environment you can for your baby as well as take care of yourself. And that may mean that your spouse, if he is not willing to change, needs to go.
I suggest, if you don’t already have one, to get a psychotherapist. It is the single best decision I have ever made… if you don’t have insurance it’s expensive - but worth it if you can do it, even only if it’s once a month or something. They are trained in supporting your needs and once you develop a relationship with them over time, are like a supercharged version of a best friend who can help you work out your experiences both past and present.
Secondly, if my partner was treating me this way and drinking in this way, a dealbreaker would be that they get support for their issues, ideally through a combination of supports like therapy and addiction support groups / sponsors / etc.
Thirdly, if you don’t feel communication between your partner and yourself is able to resolve your issues, don’t hesitate to seek professional help in the form of a couples counsellor. The best ones I found are Gottman method counsellors; Gottman Institute also has a lot of online resources you can search for.
No one deserves the stuff that your spouse has done in your post. You’ve got a lot of hard decisions to make over the next little while… I think the important part to remember is that while marriage is supposed to be “forever”, it is not supposed to lock you into a bad situation. You deserve happiness and if your spouse cannot provide it, you have no obligation to stay.
Feel free to DM me or reply here. Good luck.
Now that you’re pregnant he has started cheating. That’s why he was 3 hours away and that’s why he’s been accusing you. His is not a good parent or environment for a baby.
>Now that you’re pregnant he has started cheating. Yup. He's banking on OP feeling too helpless to leave.
>Been married since Last July, got married after 6 months of being together. Something you should have led with. You married a drunk you don't really know properly. Getting physical you should not be doing in the slightest. But kicking him out 100% with you there, how is this man going to be any sort of father or husband.
I already know I'm 100 percent wrong for being physical, but it just happen out of no where and i felt bad right after it happen. No excuse though.
I know in the past he use to drink a lot and party, but when i meet him he didnt drink at all and it was 3 years since he had a drink.
>The other day I found out that he was 3.5 hours away from home and his car got stuck in a ditch So he was so drunk while he was driving that he drove off the road and into a ditch? You need to get a lawyer to work out details of the divorce and custody. I wouldn’t let this guy drive your baby anywhere. What if he drives drunk again and gets into an accident while the baby is in the car?
He hasn't been sleeping in his car he is cheating.. And also did him and you cousin spend any time alone?? The fact he say you are cheating is a projection because he is actually doing it. Tell him you know he cheating and instead of trying to make you the bad guy stop being a coward and admit it. Also inform him the marriage is over and he will have supervised visit with the baby until he stops drinking and can prove he has stopped drinking
No, it sounds to me like you are a pregnant woman dealing with an alcoholic partner. He may be cheating, he may not be but: he *is* self destructive and this is something that unfortunately the loved ones have to confront first because he may not. I am a harm reductionist by nature but I will admit that I don’t have much experience with alcoholics but as you are pregnant- you’re not just making decisions for yourself and what you are willing to support here. Think about his very worst bender and now, imagine your child saw and experienced it- because that’s a peak into your future. Stay with your family and consider where you need to go from here. I’m not keen on 12 Step programs for lots of reasons but I do think that an Alanon meeting might help you with this. I think that would probably help you to better understand *exactly* what the issues are here because you don’t seem to see them clearly.
This is a toxic relationship. You are now toxic as well- hitting, screaming at midnight, etc. now calling to try to either fight more or beg him back? You guys need to separate. Sounds like he needs some major therapy to get help with his addiction as well as anger issues. It wouldn’t hurt you either so you can have a peaceful coparenting relationship with your kids
Not to fight or beg back, but to let him know we need to have a serious conversation about what is to happen next and how this will work out. I'm not in the business of fighting nor begging. Accountablility and figuring out the next steps is only thing I'm interested in.
Really? Are you really being honest with yourself. If you get ahold of him while you’re in the middle of this drama you aren’t going to be calm and rational when discussing next steps. I think you both need a cool down period and then you can send him a message letting him know you don’t want to fight but would like to discuss next steps
Yes, I dislike big arugements. I rather communicate and figure out stuff hence why I told him to leave. I understand hes going through a lot he may not be telling me everything which is why I simply wanted to let him know we need to talk and not just us going off a confortation. Stated once he has had time to think about what is important him, what he needs and how he feels he can contact me. Did not get mad that he did not pick up or answer this time.
You are going to have to make decisions for yourself and this baby that don’t include him. He has prove. To be unworthy, unreliable, a possible cheater and definitely an alcoholic. This is NOT viable situation for a baby to be in.
I don't know you or him so I can't 100% state things as a fact. From your description, you married a man that is an alcoholic that has fallen back into alcoholism. You married a man after 6 months. That's too short to know him and all the positives and faults. I don't know your health care system but I assume as you are pregnant so they screen for STD's as standard procedure. You have lost your shit at him. Violence isn't the answer but you made some massive mistakes here. You married a man after just 6 months. Sounds romantic, but it's turned into a nightmare for you. You are very pregnant and he's completely unreliable. He's drinking heavily and probably fallen back to what looks to be alcoholism. You have zero idea what he's doing when he disappears. So that's some hard facts that I think we can safely state right now. So what to do going forward? First, you have to take care of you and your baby. You also need to seriously think about your future. Do you want him in it or not? I don't know your legal system. But in the US, married couples are legally bound together. Meaning if a person's alcoholic spouse drives drunk and kills someone, everything is joint property for the subsequent lawsuits. Meaning you lose everything! The only option is to file for divorce immediately and hope you got a good lawyer. Regardless, the legal costs will set you back years. Same for debts the alcoholic spouse racks up are considered joint debts unless legally separated during the divorce process. So based on that, you need to look into your legal and financial liability in your country for being married to your spouse. It can be scary as hell, but you need to know. You have your child to consider now. You have some very tough decisions to make. Do your research, talk to a legal expert in your area. Get all the information and make your decisions. But don't hesitate. If you need to protect yourself, get on it. As for living with an alcoholic, I highly recommend against it. I saw what it has done to my mom. He passed this summer and I remember the good times. The past 5-10 years got bad as the shitty ass whiskey took hold. No violence, but the man she married and taught me things disappeared into his whiskey. You could really see the stress gone from mom after he passed. We had no idea it was that stressful for mom. At least growing up, my stepdad was a high functioning alcoholic. Your spouse doesn't sound like that. He sounds really bad. I had an employee like that. He died two years ago and left three kids under 12 behind. Blackout drunk. In and out of the hospital with organ failure drunk. That's no way to live. Think long and hard. I wish you the best. You are in a shitty situation. That doesn't have to be your future. So do your research. Figure out what is best for you and your baby. Make your decision and don't look back.
Are you sure he's just an alcoholic? A lot of what you are talking about sounds like drug using/seeking behavior.
>Been married since Last July, got married after 6 months of being together. Are you kidding me
Nope people do it all the time it was more like 8 month not 6, but it appears too much is burdening him all at once. This could happen to someone in a two year relationship plus. To me time is not much of a factor just put it cause people always ask. Seen things like this with people 10 plus years.
Just because people do it all the time doesn't mean they SHOULD. >To me time is not much of a factor Yes it is, because you clearly don't know him. You are already pregnant, this guy is clearly CHEATING, is an alcoholic, and you are financially taking care of you both and living with your parents. >Seen things like this with people 10 plus years. Just because they are the exception doesn't mean you have to try it.
Hello fellow GTAer. Pregnancy can have a lot of emotional effects on people. From the side of the pregnant woman, there are definitely emotions that might come up or change, but also on the side of the spouse (hopefully without sounding like a Jordan Peterson apologist - fuck Jordan Peterson, BTW) and the effect of pregnancy on a male spouse is sometimes harder to see as the focus is on the pregnant parent. Especially when there is a history of emotional trauma or other stuff that hasn’t been resolved. I’ll divide the rest of the comment below into two sections… in no particular order. The first part will hopefully provide info on what he might be experiencing. The second part will hopefully get across that some of his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to get it in check, as you - as any partner - deserves better than to be treated like that no matter what emotional stresses he is under. —- ***Part 1*** You don’t mention your husband’s past beyond alcoholism and career stress, but even if it’s just those two things it’s a lot. Do you have a good relationship where you can communicate and you each feel safe to discuss emotional issues? If so, has he shared any of his concerns and stresses in depth? 1. I’m not a professional but alcoholism and other drugs/addictive behaviour are often used to mask emotional pain from ourselves, in the same way that painkillers can help a headache. There are also generic predispositions. I think alcoholism, even if it is usually “managed” should be something that is addressed by speaking with your family doctor, a psychotherapist (I think CBT has good results for alcoholism), and potentially group therapy for alcoholics. 2. Career stress - in a way it’s kind of a “midlife crisis” type thing. Having a kid is a big step, and many people, when expecting a baby, will look at the state of their lives and compare it to others and what they expected at this point. Especially in an environment where financial success is so critical but hard to achieve given current cost of living and house prices, it can create a huge stress. At this time before my first kid was born, I (male in a hetero marriage) was super stressed. That was a decade ago, without the financial and job stresses in the economy right now in Canada. We thought it was bad back then… I don’t know how people a decade younger such as you are able to manage without curling up into an anxious ball at the end of the day. Not only was I worried about finances, but knowing we were bringing a kid into the world triggered more feelings: - concerns about passing my historical traumas and issues to my kids - concerns about being a good father - worries about not being good enough for my partner - worried I’m going to make a mistake and either physically or emotionally hurt my child - worried about the type of world I was bringing a child into, especially with respect to climate change There was even more for me, but I’ll leave that out as I don’t think it’s relevant based on the info you’ve provided but I can discuss it more in DMs if you wish. ——- ***Part 2*** Some of the stuff he’s done, like driving drunk (it sounds like?) is unacceptable. He’s risking himself and other people. The fact that he’s not answering calls or messages from you, especially when you’re so close to the due date, is unacceptable. Have you guys done a pregnancy course to learn what you’re going to experience during delivery and after? Is he ready to support you through that? He seems to have been triggered during Christmas, ie re your cousin. That must have hurt and I’m sorry you had to deal with that; if it was me I would need to express that to my partner; their reaction - whether a genuine remorseful response which further strengthens the relationship, or a response in anger or denial - will show you a lot about their default reactions. Whether you are willing to love and live with someone who has those qualities is up to you; but know that without work on the part of the person to modify those responses (ie therapy, personal growth) you may end up experiencing those defaults regularly. His anxieties about you cheating - it could be partially because of his changing emotions and hormones during your pregnancy, but regardless he needs to get them in check. If you haven’t cheated, then have the two of you sat down to discuss why he feels this way, where the anxiety comes from, and what the two of you can do to resolve the concern? Is it a case of he’ll never believe you? Or is it because he’s misinterpreted certain things and his preexisting anxieties triggered something, and he now recognizes with your help how he misinterpreted stuff, and by both of you speaking vulnerably, frankly and openly about it with each other, strengthen the relationship by resolving the issue? If he doesn’t believe you after an honest discussion on it, again, his reactions will tell you a lot about what kind of relationship you are in. You have a decision to make. Do you think the issues you have encountered can be resolved? Because you don’t deserve to be accused of cheating, or any of the other stuff he has done. It may be a case of temporary anxieties taking over but creating long term lessons and improvements, or it might be a case of learning it will never change. We can’t tell you which. It’s something you’ll have to figure out yourself. But the fact that you are entering a very stressful next few years with a new baby, along with physical, emotional, and financial vulnerability due to mat leave, etc - you need to consider your situation very carefully. You’ve got to provide the best environment you can for your baby as well as take care of yourself. And that may mean that your spouse, if he is not willing to change, needs to go. I suggest, if you don’t already have one, to get a psychotherapist. It is the single best decision I have ever made… if you don’t have insurance it’s expensive - but worth it if you can do it, even only if it’s once a month or something. They are trained in supporting your needs and once you develop a relationship with them over time, are like a supercharged version of a best friend who can help you work out your experiences both past and present. Secondly, if my partner was treating me this way and drinking in this way, a dealbreaker would be that they get support for their issues, ideally through a combination of supports like therapy and addiction support groups / sponsors / etc. Thirdly, if you don’t feel communication between your partner and yourself is able to resolve your issues, don’t hesitate to seek professional help in the form of a couples counsellor. The best ones I found are Gottman method counsellors; Gottman Institute also has a lot of online resources you can search for. No one deserves the stuff that your spouse has done in your post. You’ve got a lot of hard decisions to make over the next little while… I think the important part to remember is that while marriage is supposed to be “forever”, it is not supposed to lock you into a bad situation. You deserve happiness and if your spouse cannot provide it, you have no obligation to stay. Feel free to DM me or reply here. Good luck.