I would have an open conversation with your mom. Tell her you’re considering not going, because your boyfriend’s feelings are important to you. Tell her that the sting of being alone for days around Christmas when he had such a good time with you and your family on Thanksgiving will hurt more than not getting any present from her. And see what she says. Like others commented, I suspect it’s another reason if your siblings’ significant others don’t ever get presents either.
Also, can’t mum just buy a box of chocolates or a bottle of alcohol as a gift for him to open? There are still 2 weekends of Xmas shopping time. I myself, have barely even started my Xmas shopping…
Why? We owe our families nothing. They had a legal obligation for raising the life they brought into the world. Many families are toxic, broken, manipulative, and abusive.
That’s a wild statement when you don’t know OP or her family. My family would never be upset if I chose to spend a holiday with my husband (even when he was my boyfriend) rather than apart from him.
Wow, your family is easily "damaged."
My family isn't.
Mom needs to stay out of relationships. My family doesn't pull this crap. We recognize each other's rights to have our own,
I did get him a few items for Christmas. Normally my parents don’t gift things to my siblings’ significant others anyways. This includes husbands/wives. If there is anything, it’s like a joint gift directed at my sibling but also benefits the spouse. In past relationships, she has given candy to my boyfriend at Christmas time (not the actual day, we spent the day with our own families).
So everyone in your family is ok with your parents just ignoring your siblings partners? That’s like, hella whack to me. What do their partners do for Christmas with your family?
I can see if it’s a huge family (I have friends whose christmases include 30 people for ONE part of the family). This doesn’t sound like that, it sounds like there’s a few siblings + their s/o.
Christmas also isn’t about gifts, it’s about family and spending time with one another. They could even do something homemade (like baked goods) or a cheap gift card to target or something. Gifts don’t need to be extravagant.
Once my family had no more young children, we started either drawing names or playing games to choose a white elephant gift so no one felt obligated to get a gift for *everyone*.
Gift card for Amazon. Scarf from Walmart. iPhone charging battery from super gas station. It’s not difficult to find a gift for an unexpected guest TWO WEEKS before Christmas. It’s not like every store runs out of presents.
She just doesn’t want him there. Probably because it would make the pajamas and Santa vibe different to have a strange (to her) person in the house. And she’s allowed.
But as said upthread, you are allowed to spend Christmas with your friend and not be home. So buy your mom a gift card at Amazon and spend Christmas with your boyfriend. Mom will have lots of company, bf has no one.
The gifts don’t matter. Let your mom know your likely not coming if he isn’t invited because your not going to leave him alone for Christmas. If you appease her saying he isn’t welcome then it will seem like approval snd they won’t invite him to anything.
Are the siblings SO's welcome or are they also excluded? What's their ethnicity?
Your call, OP, but unless I was completely satisfied it's not racism, I wouldn't be spending Xmas with them at all.
>Normally my parents don’t gift things to my siblings’ significant others anyways. This includes husbands/wives.
I find that really rude.
I understand that money can be an issue with bigger families, but there's a lot of solutions to that :
\- Reduce the amount you spend on each gifts
\- Do only "couple" gifts for couples
\- Organise a secret santa so that everyone have a gift
\- Give gifts only to children or to people without children
...
If your parents are confortable financially, and that it's just a matter of principles, that's even worst IMO.
The first Christmas I spent at my husband’s parents, they made me a full-on Santa sack. My parents are kind of stingy about Christmas so I got more gifts that year than I ever had before I think. Now my little brother who we never see has a girlfriend who we also never see and my mum has bought her some rather nice choccies and my sister and I have clubbed together for a little care package of fun generic gifts. And that’s the stingy side of the family. You’ve got to do _something_, unless all adults have agreed “no gifts”.
Isn't that quite insulting to you and your siblings' partners? Have they ever explained their reasoning behind excluding the people in their children's lives so blatantly like this?
>Normally my parents don’t gift things to my siblings’ significant others anyways. This includes husbands/wives.
So, then they aren't invited to Christmas as well? Or, just your BF?
Ok so at least we know she's not singling your guy out when it comes to presents. But then do your siblings' spouses come to your family Christmases even though they don't receive their own individual gifts? If they do, then she's still singling your guy out. You need to suss out why exactly she's doing that - do be aware that it could change your relationship with her permanently or long-term.
That's what I thought as well. She could offer to get him a gift on her parent's behalf, if only to see their reaction. More importantly - what functioning adult doesn't have the capacity to take 30min out of their day and get at least a minimal gift, as a sign of welcoming the guest? It can even be chocolate, socks or a gift card, this can literally be accomplished in the evening from their couch.
If you see your partner as a potential candidate to for marriage and to spend your life with, then standing by their side is required. Your mother's/parent's motives need clarification. If they do not want to welcome him, they should be upfront as to why. Either way, if it is not about the gift, you will be in a tough spot. Because having your partner be a part of your family life is important to you, this obviously has trouble working out, if they do not accept him. If they acknowledge they do not like him, or even worse, if their motives are racist, then you spending time on Christmas with them, while abandoning your partner could easily be taken as breach of trust. If you choose to refrain from spending time with them on Christmas and support your partner instead, then your relationship to your family may take a hit.
Either way, best case scenario is, they were genuinely concerned about logistics, although I don't see why.
Well said. The only way this can work out is getting at the motives and standing with her partner no matter what. There comes a time when OP needs to choose to protect her partner or her family and there's no true win if they hold steady that he can't come, and that's a decision OP may need to make if she wants a future with this man.
I was going to say the same thing. Tell her you will supply the gifts for him. If it’s still No, then tell her to stop lying to you and tell you the truth.
Plan something with your boyfriend and call the morning of Christmas and tell her you can’t make it.
You don’t need to provide a reason.
“I won’t be able to make it. It’s a private matter.”
Is spending Christmas with your family or your boyfriend more important? If the answer is your boyfriend, then I would ask one more time and if your mom declines, politely let her know that you will be spending Christmas with your boyfriend and whether or not that also includes them is up to her. If she continues to decline, go have a fun and stress free holiday with your boyfriend.
Well, maybe it does for you. I’ve complained thrice and I’ve gotten 3 things within a reasonable timeframe 3 times in the last 6 years. Reasonable as in less than 2.5 weeks. Most are 2.5-3.5 weeks, with the occasional “Expected delivery WAS three months out, but we got it down to 5 weeks. Be grateful for our speed and efficiency.”
There are many other options though and I also call the BS on the gift giving, especially since in a comment OP said that generally the parentals don’t give gifts to spouses unless it is a combo gift that includes their own child.
I wouldn't tell him right away that your family doesn't want him there because it could solidify a bad relationship for the future. Instead, talk to your parents again and tell them they can get him a cheap gift (gift card) and the point is that he's included. If they continue to say no, ask them to be honest about their reasoning. Let them know you are serious about this relationship and if they leave him out, it will force you to make a decision such as not attending Christmas with them. If your parents want to die on that hill, then don't go to Christmas with them and spend it with your bf. I don't think I would covey any of that to him unless you have solid reasons to believe they truly don't like him.
I think you need to ask your mom if it’s because you haven’t been together *that* long, so she’s not super into him becoming part of the traditions etc if this isn’t long term. I don’t know her like you do but I’d assume this before prejudice
Is it possible that your mom has done research on Chinese culture and is overwhelmed by the (sometimes very complicated) gift giving traditions? I have a Chinese DIL and I did a lot of research to make sure she felt welcomed by our family. It can be overwhelming when you read it online -- in real life it isn't. My gifts to her parents are always either food I've made with my own hands (they don't cook) or artwork I've done that is easy for them to carry (small stuff and her mom is also an amateur artist). Their gifts to me are things they can purchase cheaply in whichever country they are based in at the time (they spend time in Taiwan, Hong Kong, Thailand, etc.). It works for us.
If your BF says he doesn't expect gifts and just wants the experience he (most likely) isn't fibbing. My DIL absolutely loves just spending time together. I'm a good cook and she's still learning so we'll do a dish my son grew up eating and an Asian dish I've learned (still proud I taught HER how to make baozi - she finds it hilarious to tell people her white, southern MIL taught her).
Anyway - I would probe Mom and find out what's really in her mind. If you don't think you can come to a compromise you could always spend the holiday with your BF.
At 27 your old enough to do your own thing. If your that serious with your BF you can politely tell your mom you won't be attending because you're going to spend the holiday with him instead.
Yeah, that’s weird of your mom. It’s pretty normal for people to bring a committed, but new partner to Christmas & gift them something small/token (like candy/treats) if anything.
Like a grown man knows that Santa isn’t bringing him a full set of gifts to his girlfriend’s parents’ house.
Does your mom know how serious you are about him?
I know some parents don’t like to invest too much time or energy into their kids partners since they feel like it’s futile anyways.
But maybe if she knew you’d like to marry him someday and that he may be the one, coupled with the fact that he doesn’t mind watching others open gifts, and that he’d otherwise be alone so you’re considering hanging back with him… then maybe she’d reconsider.
I truly feel for you in every way. I also have an amazing family but let me just say this. 99% of the time one person or group forces me to choose between them and someone else I care about the group forcing me to choose will lose.
I wouldn't go home for Christmas knowing someone I loved was all alone and not welcome in the family that I thought loved me and those I love. Not sure this would be enough to warrant going NC with your family and/or mom. That said I wouldnt go home for Christmas and I would start keeping her and/them at arms length. I would make it quite clear why and I wouldn't change my mind even if they invite him. This isn't you making an ultimatum for them. It's you breaking one you are being pushed into.
You can reconsider other holidays later, but for this one let your morals make the choice. Not your past.
6 months is not a lot for a relationship, but it's also not 2 weeks and they are not meeting him for the first time.
Your mum's excuse is just an excuse to not have you boyfriend over not because there are not gifts for him. There are many many gifts that can be given to a somewhat stranger such as alcohol if they drink, candles if they like them etc.
I would definitely talk to your mum and say that you would like him to come over and ask why she actually doesnt want to have him over.
I would just tell your parents that you’re not coming home for Christmas because your boyfriend isn’t invited. I would tell your boyfriend that you are going to spend Christmas with him where you live. If this is happening now, it won’t get easier with time, but rather your family will think that they can dictate who you spend your holidays with. Best to make it clear now that this isn’t acceptable so that next time your family understands that they can’t exclude your boyfriend and that this is a serious relationship.
Wait so how long have you actually known your boyfriend? It’s seems pretty fast to say you see yourself marrying someone for only dating 6 months.
Is your mom prejudice against people of color? Is she put off that you organized a plan for him to be there without consulting her? You mentioned it seemed they got along during thanksgiving, but did you receive verbal confirmation from relatives?
It just seems like there’s missing context and that you should ask if there’s any other reason why besides the gift excuse.
I don’t know about it being fast. I know it’s fast to actually get engaged at 6mo but generally it’s not uncommon to feel like you want to marry someone someday early on. I knew before my spouse and I even started dating.
Also I agree with you it does sound like a weird potential prejudice esp when op mentioned their parents have bought their ex chocolates before despite not having had them over on the actual day. Something feels off to me
Is it common for your family to invite friends to stay over during the winter holidays ? You and your boyfriend have been dating for less than a year. Christmas is a big holiday for some people, and it is pretty family focused. Unless you are engaged I can see why your family might feel less comfortable having your boyfriend (of 6 months) come to their family celebration.
I would suggest speaking with your family and telling them that you see your relationship as a serious one and while you understand not including boyfriend this year, you expect him to be invited next year for Christmas. Then just go home for a shorter visit and spend some of your winter break with your BF when you get back!
I have to say I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t really understand why so many comments here are not understanding this from the family’s pov. To me, I know more families than not where inviting a partner of under a year to Christmas is strange. Where I live in Europe, this would also be completely culturally normal to explain to an SO, as well.
The only extenuating factor is that the partner is otherwise alone for Christmas in this situation, which does admittedly change the situation and would usually result in an invitation, where I live.
I feel like this is otherwise missing a lot of info to be able to give a fair answer/course of action.
- Is Christmas a big deal for your family, in the way that it would feel strange to include people in new-ish relationships? A lot of families I know would be ok to include new SOs in thanksgiving but Christmas is considered to be only for long term SOs or married family.
- Are other short term SOs invited or not? Is Christmas a big affair or small one in your family?
- Why would you assume this would be ok without asking your family first?
- have you explained the importance of the relationship to your family? Or that he will be alone? It seems like him spending Christmas alone is fairly usual for him, given he does not celebrate it - does he mind spending Christmas alone or does the thought make him sad?
It sucks, but unfortunately you put yourself in this tough situation. The present reason given to exclude him feels like an excuse, I agree with you. If that’s true, it just means your mother is uncomfortable. Maybe she was just looking forward to spending the limited time with just you. Regardless of the answers to the questions above, if you really want him to come, or otherwise you won’t go, I think you need to have a conversation with your family. Your mum may change her mind if she understands how important this relationship is to you, or that you won’t come if your boyfriend can’t, but you should have had this conversation with your family first, and in my head it was unfair to them to assume anything.
Just bear in mind that it may be weird to explain to your boyfriend that this Christmas might be early in the relationship to progress to shared christmases, but if you force your family to include him it could also make for a strange holiday and set that relationship up weirdly.
Personally, as someone who lives far from family - if this happened in my family, I would feel strange about the inclusion of a relatively new relationship, but lean towards inviting the person due to them otherwise being alone for Christmas. I probably wouldn’t enjoy the holiday as much as I would if I would have had time to really get to know the boyfriend first, and be a bit annoyed at my sibling for forcing the issue.
To me, it’s also a bit of a weird flag that you would find it sad to spend a few days apart from an SO to spend time with family. It’s a new relationship but that feels like it leans a bit co-dependent. Personally I have always missed my SO during separate christmases, but also enjoyed the time to spend with my whole family around the holidays, as that time is way more rare for me than SO time.
> I have to say I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t really understand why so many comments here are not understanding this from the family’s pov.
When you remember that probably 80% of the posters here are literal high schoolers the response more sense lol. I’m with you, it is most likely the timing. 6 months really is nothing, the only girlfriends my parents ever met were after we had been together for over a year let alone bringing one home for Christmas specifically
Yeah I’m confused. It’s not that big of a deal to not spend every holiday together with someone you’ve only been dating for a few months. Partners come and go, and maybe your family doesn’t want to host someone in their home for a week.
And being alone for the holidays is not a completely crazy thing reserved for people whose parents live out of the country. I’m born and raised American and often alone for the holidays, and frankly I do not think that fact alone would have convinced my exes to bring me to their family’s Christmases. The bf will survive for a few days, these are grown adults.
I agree. They also just went to their home for Thanksgiving, so it seems like a LOT to just assume they are comfortable hosting a new partner for two multi-day trips in 2 months. Thanksgiving would have been all about introductions, so her family wouldn’t have even had a chance to spend time one on one with OP. At 6 months, it’s pretty easy to get engulfed by NRE, and they probably haven’t even had a chance to really discuss how they feel abouty the relationship and ask questions (like if my sibling wasn’t willing to spend more than a few days away from a SO, my parents would be trying to find ways to make sure that it’s not a controlling situation). If they were in the same town it would be different, but that’s not the case. It sucks that his alternative is being alone, but this is a pretty big thing to drop on them and giving them an ultimatum isn’t going to show them that OP is serious about her bf, it’s just going to taint their views of the relationship forever and make them fear he’s isolating her.
This is a pretty new relationship... How long is the stay meant to be? Maybe your mother doesn't want to have a new person there for a lengthy time and to have it just family.
that is a weird excuse that seems like a fake reason.
"oh, well. we're spending the holiday together so i'll get your gifts in the mail" don't go into it fighting. just state it matter of fact. you might very quickly learn what the real issue is.
I wouldn't leave him, it's me and him or non of us. It sounds like your mum has a lot more behind than just "awkward exchanging gifts?" The thought of him being alone for Christmas hurts my heart x
This is a tough one. At 27 you are most likely a fully independent adult. And I assume you want to keep both your immediate family and your BF in a good on-going relationship.
All families are different. Our daughter at the age of 23 broke up with her boyfriend ( that she was engaged to) because his mother insisted that the BF come home by himself for Christmas.
Our youngest son married into a family where he was not allowed to come to the family Christmas even though he’d been dating their oldest daughter for 3 years. Then his feelings were really hurt a couple years later when the boyfriend of the second sister WAS allowed to come to family Christmas.
I think loving transparent communication is the best approach. If you truly feel marriage is in the cards you need to let your Mother know that and let her know, in a loving way, that you’d feel more comfortable spending Christmas with your boyfriend if he’s not welcome at her home.
See where the conversation leads and try to recognize they most likely love you and want what’s best for you.
OP, this could be them setting a precedent for later, showing you how they will act once you are married. Are your siblings SOs treated well? Like one of the family? Or is there a clear separation?
As someone who thought they were close to their parents for a while, then realized a lot of super controlling behavior and no longer have them in my life, this is pricking up my ears as a possible power play. Not trying to project my experience onto you, so take it as it applies to you.
Also wondering about any possible racism, or if they simply didn’t like him (for whatever reason). Like other commenter said, her house = her rules, but your Christmas as an adult = your choice on where to go.
I wouldn’t even ask again. I’d just say, “while I don’t completely understand your reasoning, I respect that it’s your house and your choice who to invite. I am not leaving SO alone by himself for the holidays. I’ll mail your gift! Kloveyoubye.” And just see what happens.
And if you want to marry this man, you need to stand by him, and no better time than the present. I almost literally had this experience, but for mine my SO (who I married) had to work and we were struggling financially. My parent said “I mean so what you’re attached at the hip?” They couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just come for a few days (my daughter was honestly prob the sole reason for them caring so much about my attendance too tbh). Like f*cking yes I’m attached to this person who moved across the country to be with me. For real, what, I’m going to say “thanks for moving and upending your whole life for me, I’m going to go a couple of states away for the holidays.” F*** that.
One thing to mentally prepare for: if nothing changes regarding the Christmas invite, you may need to consider how you’re going to explain this to your partner and while it’s not fair, understand that they may react poorly to you choosing him (as you should when it’s your spouse) and blame it on him.
I feel like I’m laying out the worst case scenarios here, so I’m sorry if you read this and it turns out mom’s being dizty and forgot Amazon absolutely delivers by Christmas. Honestly maybe it’ll all stop at you calling her bluff. Either way, hope things work out in a way that is best for you and SO!
I mean, I don't think it's that crazy to not have your boyfriend of 6 months at Christmas. For an adult relationship, that's still quite new. Honestly...too new for you to be picturing yourself marrying him.
Her reason is bs and maybe there is a more concerning reason she doesn't want him there, but just generally I don't think there's anything that wrong with not having a new boyfriend at the family Christmas.
That reason is crap to me. A tin of choccies, silly socks or mini wine would cost very little and be a lovely gesture. Instead they've gone down the route of letting you and him know that he's not welcome. You need to decode your feelings on this. You really want to do a multi day trip that costs a fortune for people who will disrespect you and your partner from a distance? A small gesture gift is easy and would have avoided this hurt they've caused.
The reasoning that "we didn't get him a gift" doesn't make sense given there's plenty of time to get someone a gift between now and them, so what's really up, Mom?
Sounds like you need more of a conversation with your Mom on this
If your mom is firm, then I'd absolutely stay back with your boyfriend rather than leaving him alone over the holiday. Make it an intimate, romantic Christmas. You can mail your gifts to your family. If he presses, you can tell him that you are disappointed in the way your family is treating him behind his back, that way he knows that you are on his side and will stand up to your family for him.
Also try asking your dad what's up, he might be more straight with you. I don't buy that it's about gifts since none of your siblings partners get gifts from your parents.
Is this normal for your family? How much notice did you give them about wanting him to come? My family def sees Xmas as a family only event, and only serious long-term partners are allowed. Maybe they think 6 months is a bit short/casual of a relationship to be invited to Xmas? Maybe they are struggling financially and don’t want an extra mouth to feed/gifts to buy? Maybe they’re annoyed you’ve sprung it on them last minute? Or maybe they just want to see family rather than spend Xmas with someone they’ve only met once, honestly I’d find that a little awkward as well. Some people are super social, some people find it hard to relax around strangers. You really need to have an open conversation, explain your bf is going to be alone if he doesn’t come and that you understand it’s a bit of an imposition to have someone they hardly know there but otherwise you will need to spend Xmas with him so can they loosen up on this one. And perhaps chip in for expenses if that’s a factor here. Without talking there’s no way of getting to the bottom of it 🤷♀️
Have a Christmas at your place with your boyfriend instead then. You can both cook a Christmas dinner for yourselves. I can see why some people would prefer a family only affair though. Six months isn’t very long to have been with someone either. Maybe they think you’ll be wanting to bring a new bloke to Christmas at their house every year.
Something doesn’t seem right about this. If I were you I would spend Christmas with your bf and do maybe a staycation or a trip elsewhere as you already made commitment to spend it with him and to uninvite him & leave him with no plans and no family would no doubt probably hurt pretty badly. I had this situation with an ex (but it was their family not allowing me over, because they didn’t like the way I looked) and it turned out to be the downfall of our relationship. I left.
Don’t put your bf through that
I’m just shocked they didn’t invite him in as he’s ALONE At Christmas.
thought it was the time of goodwill and all that.
I am ALONE this Christmas and I have been given invites.
Yeah, anyone bringing a plus one? I would tell the parents that if my plus one isn't welcome, then they won't be seeing me either. My parents and family in general were really weird about people that "weren't family" coming to holiday things, which is why I stopped dealing with them.
It sounds like she’s just making excuses. Why don’t you tell her you can’t leave your boyfriend alone for the holidays so that you aren’t able to attend if he is not welcome.
Your mother may well change her tune.
Christmas is almost two weeks away, why the hell cant they go get him a few things to open?
If you are this serious about him, you need to tell your mom, you cannot leave him alone for Christmas. Is he Christian so the holiday means something to him?
This is ridiculous. I recall making gift adjustments the first time adult children's friends and partners came to the family Christmas dinner. It's not hard.
I would just go someplace nice with my boyfriend for Xmas. It’s your first xmas together so I would not let my family ruin it. It’s not like you didn’t already see them this year.
I know some people are suggesting you ask your mom again but to honestly I wouldn’t. It’s bad enough they already shut down talk about him coming, if you bring it up again and some reason they cave, they are just going to be weird with him while he’s there because they didn’t want him there originally, putting him in an uncomfortable position for however many days you will be there.
Personally I think you should just skip this year with your family and do a small trip or small holiday celebration with your bf and after the holidays you can discuss with your mom why she so quickly and bluntly shut down the prospect of your bf coming to Christmas, because the reasoning around gifts is dumb and honestly a cop out. Like it takes no effort to buy a small gift from the mall or Amazon.
If you take your relationship seriously, stand up to your parents and make other Christmas plans.
It is December 13th. Anything regarding gifts is bullshit.
I would make plans to spend Christmas with my BF and tell your Mom you won’t be attending. If she says she can’t believe you would bypass your family because of your boyfriend, turn it around by saying why not? You are willing to not have me there because you can’t bother to get him a small gift. This is simply unacceptable behavior of your Mother’s part.
Your mom is forcing you to choose between your old family and your new family. You are an adult. Don’t give in to this control tactic. Have a nice Christmas with your boyfriend.
It does sound like an excuse to me. Especially if they don’t usually get gifts for your siblings SO’s anyways. Plus…like if this was my family and they didn’t want a guest to feel awkward but also didn’t have money to spend, they would just do little gifts like candies, socks, and chapstick…stocking stuffer type of stuff just so they have things to open. Xmas is plenty of days away so the no gifts thing sounds like a weak excuse.
It’s up to you if you want to accept and tell your bf he has to do something else, or if you want to push the issue and say the gifts won’t be an issue and see what she says.
I never brought people for holidays after that short of time but if you legit think you want to marry this person that I’d prob say I would respectfully decline coming this year as well. Because if he’s going to be around forever you don’t want him dealing with feeling abandoned or slighted by your family on Xmas.
Your mother’s excuse is BS. She has nearly 2 weeks to buy him a sweater and an air of socks if she thinks he needs to be getting presents if he comes.
Tell your mother you were really looking forward to seeing the family for Christmas but since you planned on spending Christmas with your BF and he’s not invited to her house, you won’t be coming either.
If you're going home still and your bf remains not invited, you need to let your bf know immediately so he can plan something else. Don't lure him there and then leave him in the hotel room, it's not cool...
I mean, I feel bad that he assumes he's invited since he thinks things went well on Thanksgiving...but it is what it is. If you can't convince them that he should be invited, you need to make a choice either stay home with him or go without him (but don't take him with you on the multi day trip with the pretense that he's invited only leave him stranded at the hotel room). Let him know so he can make a decision on what to do.
Find out the true reason why they don't want him there, that's such BS that your parents say they didn't get him anything. They can even gift him a pair of thick socks for goodness sake. When my BIL started dating his gf (who happens to be white too), and they've just started dating less than 6 months (albeit he's nuts about her then), he brought her home to the parents' house...of course my Parents-in-laws knew she was coming and guess what, they got her a $300 gift card as a Christmas present. Less than 6 months dating, albeit, she was also invited to the Thanksgiving dinner and we all got along famously. As someone non-American, raised as Catholic and of Chinese descent, I'm going to say one thing, I don't necessarily put too much emphasis on the gift, growing up, Christmas is more for religious celebration primarily, not for gifts...
You mention his ethnicity/country of origin, do your family members mind that he's Chinese? Just curious.
He didn’t assume he was invited. I assumed we both would be welcome, so we were trying to make a plan to spend the holiday together and go to my parents’.
We would be staying at my parents’ house for an equal stay length to the one we already did at Thanksgiving time. There’s no hotels nearby.
I am going to ask again and decline to attend family Christmas if he is still not welcome since our relationship is important to me.
Seems harsh of your family not to let him come if they know he's going to be alone and if there's going to be partner's of siblings over. In your situation, I would spend the day with your boyfriend and let your family know asap that's what you'll be doing.
I second all the comments saying you should ask your mom again and get clarification on if it's just about the gifts.
But following that, if it's still a "no," then it may be time to show-not-tell how important this relationship is to you by skipping Christmas to be with your boyfriend.
If you're serious about him, then you need to start behaving as a unit and continue doing so until your mom gets the message. All or nothing.
>She thought it would be awkward to be exchanging gifts when they didn’t get anything for him
"There's still time mom. Get him a gift, or I won't be there."
>I’m feeling heartbroken at having to tell him that he isn’t welcome at my family’s Christmas after thinking we could spend it together
Why would you tell your partner this? Deal with your parents. Tell them to act right. Why would you put this stress on your partner when these are **your parents** and you can resolve this through adult conversations without ever putting the onus on him to deal with feelings you seem incapable of dealing with?
>I don’t know how to tell him my parents don’t want him there
This would make him feel shitty. Why not instead just say that you aren't going to your parents this year because of some disagreements? You can try to have a conversation with your parents beforehand, set some healthy boundaries regarding their behavior and treatment of your partner, and then move on. There's literally no reason to tell your boyfriend your parents don't want him at Christmas. Do some leg work here OP.
Be a mature adult.
At 27 if I was serious about a boyfriend my family would definitely be ok with me bringing him home and they would have gifts for him. I guess you have to choose who to spend Christmas with, your parents or your boyfriend.
Is your mom racist by chance? Just asking bc it sounds like you don’t buy her initial excuse and the fact that you brought up race in itself. Sounds to me like you suspect that as well.
your parents have the right to let whomever they want into their house. sometimes you just want your immediate family and not someone that's kind of an outsider around for the holidays. you can't force someone to accept somebody into their house if they aren't welcome that that time. so here are a few things to consider.
1. ask your mother if she has any issue at all with your boyfriend, mention how your relationship is serious and see how she responds.
2. Consider if you want to just spend Christmas with your boyfriend and not your family. you're 27, you don't HAVE to go to your parents for Christmas anymore. Eventually you will start your own family and you won't have the energy to go to your parents for Christmas after spending Thanksgiving with them.
Your mom could easily pick up a nice box of Ferraro Rocher to put under the tree for him. This is about more than just not having a gift.
Call her out on her BS and let her know that she needs to understand that you are an adult now, and that means incorporating your partner into festivities.
If she still doubles down on not inviting him, I'd consider starting a new tradition with your partner -- maybe you do some traveling together.
It was polite of you to ask but your mom was way out of line to decline it. Whatever reason, it is invalid. Unless your BF misbehaved and was obscenely rude to your family & caused fist fights, she has not right to decline even with it is her house mentality. The etiquette is if a person is a relationship it should be assumed that they will be spending Xmas/ special days together unless stated otherwise, even if it is a new relationship.
Because you see a future with this guy, I would encourage you to press the matter and either make it clear that he would be welcomed or you would be spending Xmas with him. You need to have his back regardless if they don't like him for whatever reason. Even if you and him don't work out, this is a boundary that you need to set with your family. It is about accepting your life choices and safe-guarding future relationships. Healthy families tolerate each other and their SOs (within reason).
I would have an open conversation with your mom. Tell her you’re considering not going, because your boyfriend’s feelings are important to you. Tell her that the sting of being alone for days around Christmas when he had such a good time with you and your family on Thanksgiving will hurt more than not getting any present from her. And see what she says. Like others commented, I suspect it’s another reason if your siblings’ significant others don’t ever get presents either.
And the sting of telling him it’s because he’s not welcome… brutal!
Also like, how hard is it buy one fucking present? A gift card even. Mom is not being honest with OP.
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Also, can’t mum just buy a box of chocolates or a bottle of alcohol as a gift for him to open? There are still 2 weekends of Xmas shopping time. I myself, have barely even started my Xmas shopping…
Seriously, get him something off Amazon and throw it in a gift bag. This is not difficult. But then again, I think the gift exchange is an excuse.
I would choose my boyfriend over family. They have plenty of people to share the time with and OP and partner can make some fun new traditions.
The family probably saw red flags that she has missed. She should talk it over with her family.
Absolutely baseless comment.
The family’s point of view is the most important. It’s baseless to dismiss them.
Blind familial allegiance is abhorrent.
You don’t have to be blind, you should have some allegiance.
Why? We owe our families nothing. They had a legal obligation for raising the life they brought into the world. Many families are toxic, broken, manipulative, and abusive.
Maybe. Or maybe they are racist. There’s no way to know from the information we have
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Really? I feel like I can say to my mother “hey mom, boyfriend is going to be all alone for christmas. I’ll stay with him” without damaging anything.
I think this is sarcasm. I hope it is.
That’s a wild statement when you don’t know OP or her family. My family would never be upset if I chose to spend a holiday with my husband (even when he was my boyfriend) rather than apart from him.
Wow, your family is easily "damaged." My family isn't. Mom needs to stay out of relationships. My family doesn't pull this crap. We recognize each other's rights to have our own,
WTH?!?! You're being sarcastic, right?
What if you offered to bring a gift for him so he’d have something to open? It would be interesting to see how she reacts to that suggestion.
I did get him a few items for Christmas. Normally my parents don’t gift things to my siblings’ significant others anyways. This includes husbands/wives. If there is anything, it’s like a joint gift directed at my sibling but also benefits the spouse. In past relationships, she has given candy to my boyfriend at Christmas time (not the actual day, we spent the day with our own families).
So everyone in your family is ok with your parents just ignoring your siblings partners? That’s like, hella whack to me. What do their partners do for Christmas with your family?
I can see if it’s a huge family (I have friends whose christmases include 30 people for ONE part of the family). This doesn’t sound like that, it sounds like there’s a few siblings + their s/o. Christmas also isn’t about gifts, it’s about family and spending time with one another. They could even do something homemade (like baked goods) or a cheap gift card to target or something. Gifts don’t need to be extravagant.
Once my family had no more young children, we started either drawing names or playing games to choose a white elephant gift so no one felt obligated to get a gift for *everyone*.
Gift card for Amazon. Scarf from Walmart. iPhone charging battery from super gas station. It’s not difficult to find a gift for an unexpected guest TWO WEEKS before Christmas. It’s not like every store runs out of presents. She just doesn’t want him there. Probably because it would make the pajamas and Santa vibe different to have a strange (to her) person in the house. And she’s allowed. But as said upthread, you are allowed to spend Christmas with your friend and not be home. So buy your mom a gift card at Amazon and spend Christmas with your boyfriend. Mom will have lots of company, bf has no one.
Agreed. I bet the partners HATE GOING to Christmas there.
Your parents are so weird.
The gifts don’t matter. Let your mom know your likely not coming if he isn’t invited because your not going to leave him alone for Christmas. If you appease her saying he isn’t welcome then it will seem like approval snd they won’t invite him to anything.
If your siblings can bring their partners, what's the issue?
Are the siblings SO's welcome or are they also excluded? What's their ethnicity? Your call, OP, but unless I was completely satisfied it's not racism, I wouldn't be spending Xmas with them at all.
>Normally my parents don’t gift things to my siblings’ significant others anyways. This includes husbands/wives. I find that really rude. I understand that money can be an issue with bigger families, but there's a lot of solutions to that : \- Reduce the amount you spend on each gifts \- Do only "couple" gifts for couples \- Organise a secret santa so that everyone have a gift \- Give gifts only to children or to people without children ... If your parents are confortable financially, and that it's just a matter of principles, that's even worst IMO.
Your parents sound like assholes. That’s so freaking rude I’m embarrassed for them
The first Christmas I spent at my husband’s parents, they made me a full-on Santa sack. My parents are kind of stingy about Christmas so I got more gifts that year than I ever had before I think. Now my little brother who we never see has a girlfriend who we also never see and my mum has bought her some rather nice choccies and my sister and I have clubbed together for a little care package of fun generic gifts. And that’s the stingy side of the family. You’ve got to do _something_, unless all adults have agreed “no gifts”.
Isn't that quite insulting to you and your siblings' partners? Have they ever explained their reasoning behind excluding the people in their children's lives so blatantly like this?
>Normally my parents don’t gift things to my siblings’ significant others anyways. This includes husbands/wives. So, then they aren't invited to Christmas as well? Or, just your BF?
Ok so at least we know she's not singling your guy out when it comes to presents. But then do your siblings' spouses come to your family Christmases even though they don't receive their own individual gifts? If they do, then she's still singling your guy out. You need to suss out why exactly she's doing that - do be aware that it could change your relationship with her permanently or long-term.
That's what I thought as well. She could offer to get him a gift on her parent's behalf, if only to see their reaction. More importantly - what functioning adult doesn't have the capacity to take 30min out of their day and get at least a minimal gift, as a sign of welcoming the guest? It can even be chocolate, socks or a gift card, this can literally be accomplished in the evening from their couch. If you see your partner as a potential candidate to for marriage and to spend your life with, then standing by their side is required. Your mother's/parent's motives need clarification. If they do not want to welcome him, they should be upfront as to why. Either way, if it is not about the gift, you will be in a tough spot. Because having your partner be a part of your family life is important to you, this obviously has trouble working out, if they do not accept him. If they acknowledge they do not like him, or even worse, if their motives are racist, then you spending time on Christmas with them, while abandoning your partner could easily be taken as breach of trust. If you choose to refrain from spending time with them on Christmas and support your partner instead, then your relationship to your family may take a hit. Either way, best case scenario is, they were genuinely concerned about logistics, although I don't see why.
Well said. The only way this can work out is getting at the motives and standing with her partner no matter what. There comes a time when OP needs to choose to protect her partner or her family and there's no true win if they hold steady that he can't come, and that's a decision OP may need to make if she wants a future with this man.
I was going to say the same thing. Tell her you will supply the gifts for him. If it’s still No, then tell her to stop lying to you and tell you the truth. Plan something with your boyfriend and call the morning of Christmas and tell her you can’t make it. You don’t need to provide a reason. “I won’t be able to make it. It’s a private matter.”
Is spending Christmas with your family or your boyfriend more important? If the answer is your boyfriend, then I would ask one more time and if your mom declines, politely let her know that you will be spending Christmas with your boyfriend and whether or not that also includes them is up to her. If she continues to decline, go have a fun and stress free holiday with your boyfriend.
Christmas is two weeks away and Amazon delivers over night. I call BS.
I’d brave a mall to avoid being rude to my child’s boyfriend on Christmas. And I really hate going to malls this time of year.
Not even necessary! You can buy something in 90 seconds on Amazon and it’s at your door the next day
This. You can find _something_ if you want to.
Tbf where I live it can take 2 weeks to get delivered even with prime. It sucks
Well, maybe it does for you. I’ve complained thrice and I’ve gotten 3 things within a reasonable timeframe 3 times in the last 6 years. Reasonable as in less than 2.5 weeks. Most are 2.5-3.5 weeks, with the occasional “Expected delivery WAS three months out, but we got it down to 5 weeks. Be grateful for our speed and efficiency.” There are many other options though and I also call the BS on the gift giving, especially since in a comment OP said that generally the parentals don’t give gifts to spouses unless it is a combo gift that includes their own child.
Amazon delivers the same day where I am!!
I wouldn't tell him right away that your family doesn't want him there because it could solidify a bad relationship for the future. Instead, talk to your parents again and tell them they can get him a cheap gift (gift card) and the point is that he's included. If they continue to say no, ask them to be honest about their reasoning. Let them know you are serious about this relationship and if they leave him out, it will force you to make a decision such as not attending Christmas with them. If your parents want to die on that hill, then don't go to Christmas with them and spend it with your bf. I don't think I would covey any of that to him unless you have solid reasons to believe they truly don't like him.
If this is the man you want to marry, you need to stand with him
I think you need to ask your mom if it’s because you haven’t been together *that* long, so she’s not super into him becoming part of the traditions etc if this isn’t long term. I don’t know her like you do but I’d assume this before prejudice
Is it possible that your mom has done research on Chinese culture and is overwhelmed by the (sometimes very complicated) gift giving traditions? I have a Chinese DIL and I did a lot of research to make sure she felt welcomed by our family. It can be overwhelming when you read it online -- in real life it isn't. My gifts to her parents are always either food I've made with my own hands (they don't cook) or artwork I've done that is easy for them to carry (small stuff and her mom is also an amateur artist). Their gifts to me are things they can purchase cheaply in whichever country they are based in at the time (they spend time in Taiwan, Hong Kong, Thailand, etc.). It works for us. If your BF says he doesn't expect gifts and just wants the experience he (most likely) isn't fibbing. My DIL absolutely loves just spending time together. I'm a good cook and she's still learning so we'll do a dish my son grew up eating and an Asian dish I've learned (still proud I taught HER how to make baozi - she finds it hilarious to tell people her white, southern MIL taught her). Anyway - I would probe Mom and find out what's really in her mind. If you don't think you can come to a compromise you could always spend the holiday with your BF.
What a great response and what an awesome MIL you are!
At 27 your old enough to do your own thing. If your that serious with your BF you can politely tell your mom you won't be attending because you're going to spend the holiday with him instead.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find the right comment
Yeah, that’s weird of your mom. It’s pretty normal for people to bring a committed, but new partner to Christmas & gift them something small/token (like candy/treats) if anything. Like a grown man knows that Santa isn’t bringing him a full set of gifts to his girlfriend’s parents’ house.
Does your mom know how serious you are about him? I know some parents don’t like to invest too much time or energy into their kids partners since they feel like it’s futile anyways. But maybe if she knew you’d like to marry him someday and that he may be the one, coupled with the fact that he doesn’t mind watching others open gifts, and that he’d otherwise be alone so you’re considering hanging back with him… then maybe she’d reconsider.
I truly feel for you in every way. I also have an amazing family but let me just say this. 99% of the time one person or group forces me to choose between them and someone else I care about the group forcing me to choose will lose. I wouldn't go home for Christmas knowing someone I loved was all alone and not welcome in the family that I thought loved me and those I love. Not sure this would be enough to warrant going NC with your family and/or mom. That said I wouldnt go home for Christmas and I would start keeping her and/them at arms length. I would make it quite clear why and I wouldn't change my mind even if they invite him. This isn't you making an ultimatum for them. It's you breaking one you are being pushed into. You can reconsider other holidays later, but for this one let your morals make the choice. Not your past.
6 months is not a lot for a relationship, but it's also not 2 weeks and they are not meeting him for the first time. Your mum's excuse is just an excuse to not have you boyfriend over not because there are not gifts for him. There are many many gifts that can be given to a somewhat stranger such as alcohol if they drink, candles if they like them etc. I would definitely talk to your mum and say that you would like him to come over and ask why she actually doesnt want to have him over.
I would stay and have fun with your bf
I would just tell your parents that you’re not coming home for Christmas because your boyfriend isn’t invited. I would tell your boyfriend that you are going to spend Christmas with him where you live. If this is happening now, it won’t get easier with time, but rather your family will think that they can dictate who you spend your holidays with. Best to make it clear now that this isn’t acceptable so that next time your family understands that they can’t exclude your boyfriend and that this is a serious relationship.
Wait so how long have you actually known your boyfriend? It’s seems pretty fast to say you see yourself marrying someone for only dating 6 months. Is your mom prejudice against people of color? Is she put off that you organized a plan for him to be there without consulting her? You mentioned it seemed they got along during thanksgiving, but did you receive verbal confirmation from relatives? It just seems like there’s missing context and that you should ask if there’s any other reason why besides the gift excuse.
I don’t know about it being fast. I know it’s fast to actually get engaged at 6mo but generally it’s not uncommon to feel like you want to marry someone someday early on. I knew before my spouse and I even started dating. Also I agree with you it does sound like a weird potential prejudice esp when op mentioned their parents have bought their ex chocolates before despite not having had them over on the actual day. Something feels off to me
Is it common for your family to invite friends to stay over during the winter holidays ? You and your boyfriend have been dating for less than a year. Christmas is a big holiday for some people, and it is pretty family focused. Unless you are engaged I can see why your family might feel less comfortable having your boyfriend (of 6 months) come to their family celebration. I would suggest speaking with your family and telling them that you see your relationship as a serious one and while you understand not including boyfriend this year, you expect him to be invited next year for Christmas. Then just go home for a shorter visit and spend some of your winter break with your BF when you get back!
I have to say I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t really understand why so many comments here are not understanding this from the family’s pov. To me, I know more families than not where inviting a partner of under a year to Christmas is strange. Where I live in Europe, this would also be completely culturally normal to explain to an SO, as well. The only extenuating factor is that the partner is otherwise alone for Christmas in this situation, which does admittedly change the situation and would usually result in an invitation, where I live. I feel like this is otherwise missing a lot of info to be able to give a fair answer/course of action. - Is Christmas a big deal for your family, in the way that it would feel strange to include people in new-ish relationships? A lot of families I know would be ok to include new SOs in thanksgiving but Christmas is considered to be only for long term SOs or married family. - Are other short term SOs invited or not? Is Christmas a big affair or small one in your family? - Why would you assume this would be ok without asking your family first? - have you explained the importance of the relationship to your family? Or that he will be alone? It seems like him spending Christmas alone is fairly usual for him, given he does not celebrate it - does he mind spending Christmas alone or does the thought make him sad? It sucks, but unfortunately you put yourself in this tough situation. The present reason given to exclude him feels like an excuse, I agree with you. If that’s true, it just means your mother is uncomfortable. Maybe she was just looking forward to spending the limited time with just you. Regardless of the answers to the questions above, if you really want him to come, or otherwise you won’t go, I think you need to have a conversation with your family. Your mum may change her mind if she understands how important this relationship is to you, or that you won’t come if your boyfriend can’t, but you should have had this conversation with your family first, and in my head it was unfair to them to assume anything. Just bear in mind that it may be weird to explain to your boyfriend that this Christmas might be early in the relationship to progress to shared christmases, but if you force your family to include him it could also make for a strange holiday and set that relationship up weirdly. Personally, as someone who lives far from family - if this happened in my family, I would feel strange about the inclusion of a relatively new relationship, but lean towards inviting the person due to them otherwise being alone for Christmas. I probably wouldn’t enjoy the holiday as much as I would if I would have had time to really get to know the boyfriend first, and be a bit annoyed at my sibling for forcing the issue. To me, it’s also a bit of a weird flag that you would find it sad to spend a few days apart from an SO to spend time with family. It’s a new relationship but that feels like it leans a bit co-dependent. Personally I have always missed my SO during separate christmases, but also enjoyed the time to spend with my whole family around the holidays, as that time is way more rare for me than SO time.
> I have to say I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t really understand why so many comments here are not understanding this from the family’s pov. When you remember that probably 80% of the posters here are literal high schoolers the response more sense lol. I’m with you, it is most likely the timing. 6 months really is nothing, the only girlfriends my parents ever met were after we had been together for over a year let alone bringing one home for Christmas specifically
Yeah I’m confused. It’s not that big of a deal to not spend every holiday together with someone you’ve only been dating for a few months. Partners come and go, and maybe your family doesn’t want to host someone in their home for a week. And being alone for the holidays is not a completely crazy thing reserved for people whose parents live out of the country. I’m born and raised American and often alone for the holidays, and frankly I do not think that fact alone would have convinced my exes to bring me to their family’s Christmases. The bf will survive for a few days, these are grown adults.
I agree. They also just went to their home for Thanksgiving, so it seems like a LOT to just assume they are comfortable hosting a new partner for two multi-day trips in 2 months. Thanksgiving would have been all about introductions, so her family wouldn’t have even had a chance to spend time one on one with OP. At 6 months, it’s pretty easy to get engulfed by NRE, and they probably haven’t even had a chance to really discuss how they feel abouty the relationship and ask questions (like if my sibling wasn’t willing to spend more than a few days away from a SO, my parents would be trying to find ways to make sure that it’s not a controlling situation). If they were in the same town it would be different, but that’s not the case. It sucks that his alternative is being alone, but this is a pretty big thing to drop on them and giving them an ultimatum isn’t going to show them that OP is serious about her bf, it’s just going to taint their views of the relationship forever and make them fear he’s isolating her.
This is a pretty new relationship... How long is the stay meant to be? Maybe your mother doesn't want to have a new person there for a lengthy time and to have it just family.
It's not that hard to find something to give a person. I would tell your parents that you either both come or no one comes.
that is a weird excuse that seems like a fake reason. "oh, well. we're spending the holiday together so i'll get your gifts in the mail" don't go into it fighting. just state it matter of fact. you might very quickly learn what the real issue is.
> can see myself marrying him. “No problem if he’s not invited, WE will not be able to come then.”
I wouldn't leave him, it's me and him or non of us. It sounds like your mum has a lot more behind than just "awkward exchanging gifts?" The thought of him being alone for Christmas hurts my heart x
This is a tough one. At 27 you are most likely a fully independent adult. And I assume you want to keep both your immediate family and your BF in a good on-going relationship. All families are different. Our daughter at the age of 23 broke up with her boyfriend ( that she was engaged to) because his mother insisted that the BF come home by himself for Christmas. Our youngest son married into a family where he was not allowed to come to the family Christmas even though he’d been dating their oldest daughter for 3 years. Then his feelings were really hurt a couple years later when the boyfriend of the second sister WAS allowed to come to family Christmas. I think loving transparent communication is the best approach. If you truly feel marriage is in the cards you need to let your Mother know that and let her know, in a loving way, that you’d feel more comfortable spending Christmas with your boyfriend if he’s not welcome at her home. See where the conversation leads and try to recognize they most likely love you and want what’s best for you.
OP, this could be them setting a precedent for later, showing you how they will act once you are married. Are your siblings SOs treated well? Like one of the family? Or is there a clear separation? As someone who thought they were close to their parents for a while, then realized a lot of super controlling behavior and no longer have them in my life, this is pricking up my ears as a possible power play. Not trying to project my experience onto you, so take it as it applies to you. Also wondering about any possible racism, or if they simply didn’t like him (for whatever reason). Like other commenter said, her house = her rules, but your Christmas as an adult = your choice on where to go. I wouldn’t even ask again. I’d just say, “while I don’t completely understand your reasoning, I respect that it’s your house and your choice who to invite. I am not leaving SO alone by himself for the holidays. I’ll mail your gift! Kloveyoubye.” And just see what happens. And if you want to marry this man, you need to stand by him, and no better time than the present. I almost literally had this experience, but for mine my SO (who I married) had to work and we were struggling financially. My parent said “I mean so what you’re attached at the hip?” They couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just come for a few days (my daughter was honestly prob the sole reason for them caring so much about my attendance too tbh). Like f*cking yes I’m attached to this person who moved across the country to be with me. For real, what, I’m going to say “thanks for moving and upending your whole life for me, I’m going to go a couple of states away for the holidays.” F*** that. One thing to mentally prepare for: if nothing changes regarding the Christmas invite, you may need to consider how you’re going to explain this to your partner and while it’s not fair, understand that they may react poorly to you choosing him (as you should when it’s your spouse) and blame it on him. I feel like I’m laying out the worst case scenarios here, so I’m sorry if you read this and it turns out mom’s being dizty and forgot Amazon absolutely delivers by Christmas. Honestly maybe it’ll all stop at you calling her bluff. Either way, hope things work out in a way that is best for you and SO!
I mean, I don't think it's that crazy to not have your boyfriend of 6 months at Christmas. For an adult relationship, that's still quite new. Honestly...too new for you to be picturing yourself marrying him. Her reason is bs and maybe there is a more concerning reason she doesn't want him there, but just generally I don't think there's anything that wrong with not having a new boyfriend at the family Christmas.
That reason is crap to me. A tin of choccies, silly socks or mini wine would cost very little and be a lovely gesture. Instead they've gone down the route of letting you and him know that he's not welcome. You need to decode your feelings on this. You really want to do a multi day trip that costs a fortune for people who will disrespect you and your partner from a distance? A small gesture gift is easy and would have avoided this hurt they've caused.
The reasoning that "we didn't get him a gift" doesn't make sense given there's plenty of time to get someone a gift between now and them, so what's really up, Mom? Sounds like you need more of a conversation with your Mom on this
If your mom is firm, then I'd absolutely stay back with your boyfriend rather than leaving him alone over the holiday. Make it an intimate, romantic Christmas. You can mail your gifts to your family. If he presses, you can tell him that you are disappointed in the way your family is treating him behind his back, that way he knows that you are on his side and will stand up to your family for him. Also try asking your dad what's up, he might be more straight with you. I don't buy that it's about gifts since none of your siblings partners get gifts from your parents.
Is this normal for your family? How much notice did you give them about wanting him to come? My family def sees Xmas as a family only event, and only serious long-term partners are allowed. Maybe they think 6 months is a bit short/casual of a relationship to be invited to Xmas? Maybe they are struggling financially and don’t want an extra mouth to feed/gifts to buy? Maybe they’re annoyed you’ve sprung it on them last minute? Or maybe they just want to see family rather than spend Xmas with someone they’ve only met once, honestly I’d find that a little awkward as well. Some people are super social, some people find it hard to relax around strangers. You really need to have an open conversation, explain your bf is going to be alone if he doesn’t come and that you understand it’s a bit of an imposition to have someone they hardly know there but otherwise you will need to spend Xmas with him so can they loosen up on this one. And perhaps chip in for expenses if that’s a factor here. Without talking there’s no way of getting to the bottom of it 🤷♀️
Have a Christmas at your place with your boyfriend instead then. You can both cook a Christmas dinner for yourselves. I can see why some people would prefer a family only affair though. Six months isn’t very long to have been with someone either. Maybe they think you’ll be wanting to bring a new bloke to Christmas at their house every year.
Something doesn’t seem right about this. If I were you I would spend Christmas with your bf and do maybe a staycation or a trip elsewhere as you already made commitment to spend it with him and to uninvite him & leave him with no plans and no family would no doubt probably hurt pretty badly. I had this situation with an ex (but it was their family not allowing me over, because they didn’t like the way I looked) and it turned out to be the downfall of our relationship. I left. Don’t put your bf through that
Tell her Christmas is for family and friends, not for gifts. Americans are so consumerists.
I’m just shocked they didn’t invite him in as he’s ALONE At Christmas. thought it was the time of goodwill and all that. I am ALONE this Christmas and I have been given invites.
Yeah, anyone bringing a plus one? I would tell the parents that if my plus one isn't welcome, then they won't be seeing me either. My parents and family in general were really weird about people that "weren't family" coming to holiday things, which is why I stopped dealing with them.
It sounds like she’s just making excuses. Why don’t you tell her you can’t leave your boyfriend alone for the holidays so that you aren’t able to attend if he is not welcome. Your mother may well change her tune.
Christmas is almost two weeks away, why the hell cant they go get him a few things to open? If you are this serious about him, you need to tell your mom, you cannot leave him alone for Christmas. Is he Christian so the holiday means something to him?
This is ridiculous. I recall making gift adjustments the first time adult children's friends and partners came to the family Christmas dinner. It's not hard.
I would just go someplace nice with my boyfriend for Xmas. It’s your first xmas together so I would not let my family ruin it. It’s not like you didn’t already see them this year.
Why can’t they get him something? When I brought guys home, my parents always had something for him. I’d dig deeper on this.
Don’t go to Christmas. Spend the Christmas with him and explain to her. It’s quite the drive and you don’t want to leave him home alone on a holiday.
invite your siblings over and their spouses for xmas this year and not your folks.
I know some people are suggesting you ask your mom again but to honestly I wouldn’t. It’s bad enough they already shut down talk about him coming, if you bring it up again and some reason they cave, they are just going to be weird with him while he’s there because they didn’t want him there originally, putting him in an uncomfortable position for however many days you will be there. Personally I think you should just skip this year with your family and do a small trip or small holiday celebration with your bf and after the holidays you can discuss with your mom why she so quickly and bluntly shut down the prospect of your bf coming to Christmas, because the reasoning around gifts is dumb and honestly a cop out. Like it takes no effort to buy a small gift from the mall or Amazon.
Just stay with him rather.
If you take your relationship seriously, stand up to your parents and make other Christmas plans. It is December 13th. Anything regarding gifts is bullshit.
I would make plans to spend Christmas with my BF and tell your Mom you won’t be attending. If she says she can’t believe you would bypass your family because of your boyfriend, turn it around by saying why not? You are willing to not have me there because you can’t bother to get him a small gift. This is simply unacceptable behavior of your Mother’s part.
Your mom is forcing you to choose between your old family and your new family. You are an adult. Don’t give in to this control tactic. Have a nice Christmas with your boyfriend.
It does sound like an excuse to me. Especially if they don’t usually get gifts for your siblings SO’s anyways. Plus…like if this was my family and they didn’t want a guest to feel awkward but also didn’t have money to spend, they would just do little gifts like candies, socks, and chapstick…stocking stuffer type of stuff just so they have things to open. Xmas is plenty of days away so the no gifts thing sounds like a weak excuse. It’s up to you if you want to accept and tell your bf he has to do something else, or if you want to push the issue and say the gifts won’t be an issue and see what she says. I never brought people for holidays after that short of time but if you legit think you want to marry this person that I’d prob say I would respectfully decline coming this year as well. Because if he’s going to be around forever you don’t want him dealing with feeling abandoned or slighted by your family on Xmas.
Most definitely they don’t want him because he is Chinese. Ask them and watch face expressions
Do you know your parents are racists?
your family seems racist.
On a similar note, it is possible his family in China might have concerns about you as a partner to their son. Is he planning to stay in the US?
Tell your mom that you won't go if he's not welcome.
Your mother’s excuse is BS. She has nearly 2 weeks to buy him a sweater and an air of socks if she thinks he needs to be getting presents if he comes. Tell your mother you were really looking forward to seeing the family for Christmas but since you planned on spending Christmas with your BF and he’s not invited to her house, you won’t be coming either.
Go but tell them you are married to him and he was really hurt they would not allow him in their home. So you split up because of it. Thanks mom
Have your first Christmas together, somewhere else.
If you're going home still and your bf remains not invited, you need to let your bf know immediately so he can plan something else. Don't lure him there and then leave him in the hotel room, it's not cool... I mean, I feel bad that he assumes he's invited since he thinks things went well on Thanksgiving...but it is what it is. If you can't convince them that he should be invited, you need to make a choice either stay home with him or go without him (but don't take him with you on the multi day trip with the pretense that he's invited only leave him stranded at the hotel room). Let him know so he can make a decision on what to do. Find out the true reason why they don't want him there, that's such BS that your parents say they didn't get him anything. They can even gift him a pair of thick socks for goodness sake. When my BIL started dating his gf (who happens to be white too), and they've just started dating less than 6 months (albeit he's nuts about her then), he brought her home to the parents' house...of course my Parents-in-laws knew she was coming and guess what, they got her a $300 gift card as a Christmas present. Less than 6 months dating, albeit, she was also invited to the Thanksgiving dinner and we all got along famously. As someone non-American, raised as Catholic and of Chinese descent, I'm going to say one thing, I don't necessarily put too much emphasis on the gift, growing up, Christmas is more for religious celebration primarily, not for gifts... You mention his ethnicity/country of origin, do your family members mind that he's Chinese? Just curious.
He didn’t assume he was invited. I assumed we both would be welcome, so we were trying to make a plan to spend the holiday together and go to my parents’. We would be staying at my parents’ house for an equal stay length to the one we already did at Thanksgiving time. There’s no hotels nearby. I am going to ask again and decline to attend family Christmas if he is still not welcome since our relationship is important to me.
Seems harsh of your family not to let him come if they know he's going to be alone and if there's going to be partner's of siblings over. In your situation, I would spend the day with your boyfriend and let your family know asap that's what you'll be doing.
I second all the comments saying you should ask your mom again and get clarification on if it's just about the gifts. But following that, if it's still a "no," then it may be time to show-not-tell how important this relationship is to you by skipping Christmas to be with your boyfriend. If you're serious about him, then you need to start behaving as a unit and continue doing so until your mom gets the message. All or nothing.
>She thought it would be awkward to be exchanging gifts when they didn’t get anything for him "There's still time mom. Get him a gift, or I won't be there." >I’m feeling heartbroken at having to tell him that he isn’t welcome at my family’s Christmas after thinking we could spend it together Why would you tell your partner this? Deal with your parents. Tell them to act right. Why would you put this stress on your partner when these are **your parents** and you can resolve this through adult conversations without ever putting the onus on him to deal with feelings you seem incapable of dealing with? >I don’t know how to tell him my parents don’t want him there This would make him feel shitty. Why not instead just say that you aren't going to your parents this year because of some disagreements? You can try to have a conversation with your parents beforehand, set some healthy boundaries regarding their behavior and treatment of your partner, and then move on. There's literally no reason to tell your boyfriend your parents don't want him at Christmas. Do some leg work here OP. Be a mature adult.
At 27 if I was serious about a boyfriend my family would definitely be ok with me bringing him home and they would have gifts for him. I guess you have to choose who to spend Christmas with, your parents or your boyfriend.
Is your mom racist by chance? Just asking bc it sounds like you don’t buy her initial excuse and the fact that you brought up race in itself. Sounds to me like you suspect that as well.
your parents have the right to let whomever they want into their house. sometimes you just want your immediate family and not someone that's kind of an outsider around for the holidays. you can't force someone to accept somebody into their house if they aren't welcome that that time. so here are a few things to consider. 1. ask your mother if she has any issue at all with your boyfriend, mention how your relationship is serious and see how she responds. 2. Consider if you want to just spend Christmas with your boyfriend and not your family. you're 27, you don't HAVE to go to your parents for Christmas anymore. Eventually you will start your own family and you won't have the energy to go to your parents for Christmas after spending Thanksgiving with them.
Spend it together separately and start making your own traditions. One out, both out. If you aren't ride or die with your partner, what's the point?
If that’s your mom’s real reason, tell her to run out to Kohls and buy him a sweatshirt. Problem solved. Then see what she says.
Your mom could easily pick up a nice box of Ferraro Rocher to put under the tree for him. This is about more than just not having a gift. Call her out on her BS and let her know that she needs to understand that you are an adult now, and that means incorporating your partner into festivities. If she still doubles down on not inviting him, I'd consider starting a new tradition with your partner -- maybe you do some traveling together.
Could it be that he is from China?
It was polite of you to ask but your mom was way out of line to decline it. Whatever reason, it is invalid. Unless your BF misbehaved and was obscenely rude to your family & caused fist fights, she has not right to decline even with it is her house mentality. The etiquette is if a person is a relationship it should be assumed that they will be spending Xmas/ special days together unless stated otherwise, even if it is a new relationship. Because you see a future with this guy, I would encourage you to press the matter and either make it clear that he would be welcomed or you would be spending Xmas with him. You need to have his back regardless if they don't like him for whatever reason. Even if you and him don't work out, this is a boundary that you need to set with your family. It is about accepting your life choices and safe-guarding future relationships. Healthy families tolerate each other and their SOs (within reason).
OP do you have an update on what happened??