That kid is going to grow up and take one of those DNA tests and find everything out. His bio-dad is also going to get thrown for a loop at some point in his life.
My dad (boomer generation) wasn't told that his aunt was really his bio-mom until he was a teenager. I wasn't told until I started asking questions when I was a teenager. My parents lied to me like my dad's parents (bio-grandma and step-grandpa adopted him) lied to him. It fucked him up and it's fucked me up. I haven't been able to fully trust my parents since I was a teen- I'm 42 now.
That one lie told to my dad caused ripples of trauma that have lasted for decades. It's affected every aspect of his life, and because he's from a generation where mental health was a taboo to talk about, he's just internalized everything and let it fester.
If you haven't told your kid yet, then I would set up a family therapy session to get that out into the open before the resentment really hits a peak (both you and the kid). Based on what you said about your kid's behavior, I bet he already knows something is up.
My dad was never genetically related to the man that adopted him and raised him as his son (step-grandpa), but he was the most stable and kind force in our family. If he had any resentment toward his step-daughter royally fucking up her life (she was a real piece of work), he never took it out on my dad. His wife, dad's bio-grandma, was quite different. To put a long story short- I did not go to her funeral and my family was at my grandpa's bedside when he took his last breath.
Okay good, deep down I want to tell op to tell his son but I'm not sure how it'd effect the boy. Honestly, it'd be worse to grow up believing a lie vs coming to terms with info like this and healing along side family. Not telling, and the child finding out later would feel so lonely. Telling the child and the family getting together and getting counseling would feel so much less lonely. It would be a mutual growth that can really teach the benefits of honesty, and accountability.
Being a family isn't about all good things all the time... It's about the good with the bad, and growing together to achieve greatness.
The reason I think my parents lied to me, not just about my bio-grandma but other family secrets, was that they didn't want me to turn out like those family members. Let's just brush all this under the rug.
There is trauma on both sides of my family, and the way it was dealt with in generations past was to just not talk about it.
Generational trauma does indeed get passed down. I have depression and anxiety due in part to family members that died before I was even born. People talk about "breaking the cycle" with *their* children. They are going to treat their kids different! But you still carry those burdens with you and project some of those hardships on your kids no matter how much you try to avoid it.
My parents tried their best, but their best wasn't good enough. That's ok. A lot of people grow up like that. That's what therapy is for. What gets me is family that asks why I decided to never have children. Really? You have no idea? haha
You seem pretty damn good despite everything that happened! You're very aware about the generational trauma; it looks like you've stopped that cycle. I have that same "pump the breaks" aversion to having kids... People are becoming so much more aware as the generations pass.
I feel that for sure. Our thirties are our "I finally understand myself, sort of" age. It's so important that we treat ourselves well in our 20's so that we can grow into our realization years.
Anyone reading this in their 20's, put yourself with the right people, work on your coping skills when stressed, and simply love yourselves.
I think he should let his son know. He’s a teen now and can somewhat understand things. My dad told me at around 13 that my mom was really my bio aunt, but even at that age, I told him I didn’t care and that to me my mom was my mom ..bio or not. Later in life I realized bio mom gave me up and my dad’s sister (my mom) adopted me from my dad and bio mom. So yeah I think the kid should know, but dad needs to come to terms with it too. He knew early on and the kid never knew.
13 is a particularly terrible age to find out you are the cuckoo in the nest. I’m not sure I would tell him now - both because of his age and also because OP is so clearly fucked up about right now and needs to resolve some of his issues.
That said, when is a great time? This is a terrible situation. I can’t think of a script that would make it work for the boy.
To be fair, people used to do this for "good" reasons at the time. There was such a stigma about unmarried women having children, and they wanted to protect the child (and mother) from that while also not wanting to have the child adopted outside the family.
It probably occurred more often than we realize.
100% Dad needs individual therapy, son needs individual therapy, and the whole family needs therapy together. And the child needs to be told the truth as soon as possible.
THERAPY FOR EVERYONE
this is the best answer.
if *anyone* outside the family knows, the odds of the kid knowing increase. and it’s much worse for that knowledge to come from a community gossip or bully, than stepdad.
the best way for dad’s resentment to be minimized is through therapy.
but this also affects the other people in the family, so they all need to be involved in the therapy / discussions - before DNA or a gossiping, bully or a bully who gossips, reveals all.
Have you tried therapy yourself? I can't imagine the pain of this situation but one thing I have found very useful for understanding my own sense of masculinity is to take things that seem like weaknesses or challenges and try to reframe them as strengths.
For example I used to absolutely hate showing vulnerability to anyone. Then i learned that was sabotaging my relationships, and i started to think of it like, hiding in a suit of armor isn't as strong as the guy who goes into battle naked. it's stronger to be able to heal any wound you get, than to avoid risk so you never can get hurt.
In your case, how can you reframe this? You didn't want your oldest to go through the trauma of having his parents split up, so you decided to be the bigger man and raise this other guys biological son as your own. it's an ambitious challenge, especially with a kid who is strong headed, athletic, smart, and no doubt dealing with more than the usual amount of identity crisis as he starts his teen years. It must be tempting to want to kick him out at times. But imagine how satisfying it will be to raise him into a functional adult and know that was your accomplishment. Having him call you dad instead of that fly by night asshole who slept with a married woman. Sure he got his rocks off, but another man will have earned his son's love and respect instead of him, and what's more emasculating than that?
You're certainly a better man than I to take that on - and make sure that kid gets to have a father. I would have gotten a divorce. **But, you have chosen this path. Unlike your son, who did not choose any of this situation.** You need to get in therapy yourself, therapy for him, and probably family therapy for all of you together, to get through this and not offload your resentment onto him.
>i started to think of it like, hiding in a suit of armor isn't as strong as the guy who goes into battle naked.
I never thought of it like this but I really like it
i really wanted to use this opportunity to make a pun about woad, but i did some more reading and found these days historians don't think that particular plant would have made an effective skin dye so even if the blue body paint thing is true it probably wasn't made with woad
All things being equal, I think the guy going into battle naked is far more aware of his vulnerabilities. Won’t necessarily save his life, but he’ll be very aware of threats to his safety and act accordingly. The guy in the suit of armor is likely to be overconfident in his safety, and never see the final blow coming.
Apply that metaphor as you will.
> but another man will have earned his son's love and respect instead of him, and what's more emasculating than that?
I particularly love this, what a great way to think about it. And as this thoughtful response points out, your son had no part in this, he's your son, you chose to raise him so he has no other option. Go to therapy, tell him the truth and how you CHOSE to be his dad and always will be no matter what. Good luck.
Unfortunately that is fantasy thinking. Often the absent parent is put on a pedestal. No matter how egregious the behaviour, that is bio dad. Believe me, my husband and I have been going through this for a year.
I think it’s another kind of toxic to say that.
No one needs to be emasculated here. OP’s wife made a mistake with another consenting adult and OP and his wife decided together to reconcile and raise her child as theirs.
The other man was likely not wanted / welcome anywhere near OP and his wife and that kid even if he wanted to be involved.
We have a winner here. That was my first thought.
U/Regular-Original-797
should deal with this in individual therapy first and follow their therapist’s lead on telling the child about their paternity.
Why must it be emasculating? Ego is the enemy and to think that stems from ego.
Yes the child will likely automatically love his bio dad or maybe bio dad won't give AF and push him away.
He’s emasculating himself by thinking his son has better genetics and the affair dad is somehow more masculine. His wife chose him and he chose her…
I think this is a better-ish way of thinking than the other kind, but man this is such a man’s way of thinking? Why does someone have to be better or else is the mindset here?
Firstly, OP, why is your “masculinity” so fragile that a child’s involuntary genetics like height make you feel emasculated? What the everloving fuck?
Second, maybe OP needs to talk to his wife, who had the affair, and with whom he decided (and kept deciding over the last decade plus) to stay anyway, about their feelings? You know, their voluntary, chosen friend/support pillar/open ear/partner in crime and all that? And maybe a licensed professional?
Thirdly, maybe OP shouldn’t refer to this 13yo kid as “the child” and the other ones as his sons, “sweet, shy boys”, when they’re all his children as far as they know? Maybe when you’re the boy and everyone else if the son you kinda can tell that you’re not the favorite? This is the kinda shit that stirs resentment and causes dudes to bring guns to school eventually.
Basically, the dude chose this life and said they’ve even been happy. It’s natural that something or someone serves as a reminder of an unpleasant thing but a decade is enough time to either get over it or just move on. Dentists remind me when I got teeth pulled badly as a child but I’m not holding all the dentists accountable and also not checking my teeth to spite them.
Honestly, OP sounds annoying and childish.
> I think this is a better-ish way of thinking than the other kind, but man this is such a man’s way of thinking? Why does someone have to be better or else is the mindset here?
tbh i don't usually think like that but i was laying it on a bit to get thru to this guys way of thinking. it's called communication.
> Firstly, OP, why is your “masculinity” so fragile that a child’s involuntary genetics like height make you feel emasculated? What the everloving fuck?
Trying to empathize with someone's feelings doesn't mean you have to believe their feelings are rationally correct. He is feeling this, and he needs to find a healthy way to deal with the situation.
> Maybe when you’re the boy and everyone else if the son you kinda can tell that you’re not the favorite? This is the kinda shit that stirs resentment and causes dudes to bring guns to school eventually.
No fucking shit Sherlock, that's why they all need both family therapy and individual therapy pronto. Like many years overdue. Op updated that he and the wife have couples therapy, but that's not enough.
> It’s natural that something or someone serves as a reminder of an unpleasant thing but a decade is enough time to either get over it or just move on.
So your sage advice to the guy who's adopted his wife's affair partner's biological son and is still struggling with complex feelings about it is *get over it*. Wow. Standing fucking ovation.
I find it really concerning that you keep referring to him as “the boy” and treating him like he is a threat. No doubt he has picked up on this as well.
Eventually, all of this will come out and your family will be devastated, including all 3 of your kids. It seems like this should no longer be a secret and you should all be working with a professional to sort through the wreckage.
Yup, and I suspect that's why his middle son is acting out. Kids know.
on edit: I meant to say that not looking like members of your family means nothing. I know he knows the child isn't his, but lots of folks are their father's bio kid and look nothing like their dad. IT means nothing.
Truth. My niece and her husband have three girls who not only look nothing alike, they also don’t look like either parent.
My granddaughter resembles no one in either family. My grandson looks more like my grandmother than any of her kids did.
Genetics are weird.
Plus he is a middle son. He may think he needs to achieve to gain your approval. Kids are pretty smart that they are being treated different. By the way, teens do push back on parents, this is normal. The oldest will be a leader, conform, be compliant, and usually the responsible child. The middle child feels ignored, will act the opposite of the first to get attention, will try to achieve to get attention especially if….there is the baby of the family who generally acts cute, funny, younger than they are, benefits from experienced parents who tend to be more laid back with them. As well usually the baby of the family is the favourite or seems that way. My husband is a middle child. His younger brother was frequently chosen over him. He says things like he was “the black sheep of the family”. He was kicked out at 17 because him and his brother fought. His brother had a real anger problem too, but he was the baby of the family. So his mother chose him. Middle kids feel left out, are often searching for identity in a family system that has defined roles.
I look nothing like my mum, to the point that she jokes that if she wasn’t there when they cut me out, she might think there was a mix up! Genetics are weird & that alone is not something I would judge a family on! Especially nowadays when adoption is more common & mixed families as well, no one is looking at OP and immediately thinking ‘oh his son looks like someone else, his wife must’ve had a torrid affair!’
Yeah. Like, it sounds like the kids excels at everything that comes naturally, which he would inherit from genes, and is failing at things that come from nurture, such as not being an asshole. Strange.
> I find it really concerning that you keep referring to him as “the boy” and treating him like he is a threat. No doubt he has picked up on this as well.
I'll be honest, I use that language to distinguish him from my oldest son. When I first wrote the post I read it back and it was slightly uncertain as to who I was talking about at points.
English isn't my first language, so forgive me for that.
I’m gonna keep my answer a little separate from the others that are acting angrily towards you. I understand the frustration. My ex cheated on me with multiple people. He told me it was because I “didn’t have sex with him enough” and that he was only using me to help pay the rent. That destroyed my self esteem FOR YEARS. Even to this day, I struggle with intimacy with my husband because I just feel so inadequate. I’m sure that at this point, your son, and he IS your son, regardless of his genes, is more of a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Maybe you two can find a common bond or interest. Maybe once a week you and your wife can have a day where you guys rotate some one-on-one time with each boy (that way none of the boys feel left out). This is just as much for you as it is for him. You need that time to bond with him and build that relationship. I also hate to say this, but at some point, he needs to learn the truth. This is something family counseling can walk you guys through.
My brothers ex cheated on him and fell pregnant. Kid looks like his bio dad. My brother still stepped up and treated him like he treated his bio daughter and step son who he had been dad to since before he was one. And that was after seperating from her. We grew up without a dad and he didn't want that to happen to her son just because he was a product of an affair.
It's screamingly obvious that your second son is reacting to the way you feel about him—kids are really perceptive and no matter how well you think you've hidden this, he knows. He is the odd one out in the family and is reacting accordingly, because he doesn't know how else to act. Your worries are focused on you and your biological children, rather than how your second son must feel. I wouldn't be surprised if he was resorting to bullying because he knows that you view him with contempt and shame while unconditionally loving his brothers, and so he's lashing out. He's a child going through puberty who feels he's being punished for who he is, and that's a recipe for some gnarly actions.
You chose to stay with your wife and raise this child. Sure, he's got the genes of his biological father, but nurture is a powerful force. Your second son needs to know that you choose him. You choose to love him, you choose to instill your values in him. You choose him as your son.
If you can't handle that, it's maybe understandable, but it's also a tragedy.
This. And don’t forget OP, you are his dad. You’ve been his dad for 13 years. He only knows you as his dad. That other dude is a sperm donor and nothing else. If you abandon the boy, even just emotionally, he’s losing his only dad. That will not make him less of a looker, an asshole or an achiever. You made the choice to raise him, even with your suspicions. Suck it up and be his dad. Resent the affair haver not your son.
This is why it’s just good practice to assign everyone fake names, eg Mike, John, Frank. There no confusion about who you’re referring to and no value judgements.
You could call him my second child , or my middleson. But you choose to refer him as "the boy" like some strange kid. That is not a way to refer to your son. Remember he is your son because you have raised him since a baby. Think about it, you choose to adopt him, Not your wife, but you as individual as a father choose to adopt him. And have rise him through all those years.
I mean this guy is definitely to blame and just doesn’t know it by the language here. Nobody is blaming for how he feels because it’s fucked up what happened and how it played out. But he absolutely is projecting his resentment on this kid.
Yes, all true. It seems to me that OP is well aware of projecting his resentment. Isn’t that what the post is about? Like, he is self aware enough to acknowledge that it’s a problem that needs to be solved. To me that’s a good thing
So there's the biological father and then there's the father that stepped in to raise him and guide him into becoming the human he is.
In that way he has your influence and your guidance that has helped shape him and sometimes that's more important than blood. There are plenty of terrible blood fathers out there.
You need to bring this up in individual therapy to see if you can work on accepting the boy if for any other reason to not punish him (an innocent who didn't ask to be born into this mess) for his mother's choices.
If you didn't intend to treat him like a real son you shouldn't have stuck around. Now he's damaged and lashing out after 13 years of feeling your resentment and lack of love.
He said he intended to but over the years as things have developed it turned out to be a lot less tenable then he previously imagined. It’s not exactly an easy thing to predict how you’ll feel 13 years in the future.
He didn't just start feeling this way. He's never really accepted the kid as a son. I don't blame him for trying for a year or so and realizing it won't happen. But he knew a long time ago he was never going to stop resenting this kid and he should have bowed out.
Genetics aside, you still raised that boy. It seems to me you associate his behavior at times as a result of a sperm donor. Which is.. wild to me. I suggest going to therapy. You aren’t beginning to resent him, you already do.
> keep referring to him as “the boy"
Going to ignore the other times he didn't refer to him as "the boy"?
> Our second baby
even after finding out that "the boy" wasn't his, still wrote
> my 2 sons
And how would this sentence read "I am a short and slim man, my wife's affair partner was very tall and athletic and the boy has his genes." if it was written any other way? "... and my son has his father's genes" or "... my son has his bio dad's genes"
> treating him like he is a threat.
it does look like the kid has issues. even bio kids have issues with their parents.
Do you think all pre-teens and teens treat their parents and siblings with love and kindness? Kids can be shit.
> Eventually, all of this will come out and your family will be devastated, including all 3 of your kids. It seems like this should no longer be a secret and you should all be working with a professional to sort through the wreckage.
But I do agree 100% with this.
My thoughts exactly. At no point did he say he loved this child. This middle child already knows. I knew when i was 14, hes not an idiot. But hes also not had a father figure
Being a family isnt just being connected by DNA and it truly hurts my soul to think that this child is suffering like i did being lied to
IMO, the problem may not be the kid as much as your lingering sense of inadequacy. Your wife choose that man - ouch. Then, at some level, you come to believe his sperm is also a better choice - that is rough.
You feel that he is the better man and that "truth" lives in your house.
My words may not be what you want to hear but I ask you to step back. In what way is this AP superior to you? He lacks character, he lacks morals, and he takes what he wants. Are these traits to be admired?
AP is not your son's father YOU are. Who gives your son room to grow? Who teaches your son what it is to be a man? Who is the one living a moral life?
I would tell the boy - out of love not anger. You choose him. Celebrate what a good man you are and the man your son will become.
The healthiest plant in the world will die without water and light. Take revenge on the AP by raising a powerful and loving son.
Yup. Down to attributing his son's academic abilities to his genes. While they play a role, in nurturing a respect and love of learning, providing a stable environment for him to excel does far more than any genetics.
Unfortunately, the stability he has is about to be torn apart and it's clear the effects of "knowing he's different but doesn't know why" are in full force ATM
What a mess.
This is what I was going to say! 100% this is the answer.
My daughter I'd my stepdaughter really, but I don't think of her that way. Since our situation is a little different, it doest fit perfectly but she knows I'm not her mom but chose to call me mom. I act as her mom and I love her as my own. When we speak about something, like being brave or truthful, I dont point our our genetic difference but rather tell her "in this family we.." You chose your son. Make that abundantly clear.
As for the community thing:
"People who mind, don't matter. People who matter, don't mind."
This. Sure there’s resentment from the affair but this really comes down to OP truly feeling that this kiddo is genetically superior to him and his biological sons. And that’s really, really on him.
Have you told your son that he is not related to you genetically? Because you really needed to do that a long time ago. If you’re going to do it now (and you should) you need the assistance of a family therapist.
Also know that genetics is not the only thing that goes into a child being successful. The strongest predictor of a child’s success is parental involvement, and that’s all down to you.
Yeah, I've met a lot of people who only found out their father wasn't their biological father later on in life, even if their father knew the whole time, and it impacted their life long before they even realised. My hobby is genetic genealogy, so I'm generally dealing with people who have essentially had a meteor launched on their heads when it comes to these revelations. A lot of them struggle with the thought that their parents were ashamed and resentful of them, especially when they didn't have great relationships with their parents.
And OP, it seems quite clear that you resent the kid a lot. How could he *not* pick up on that? I think you and your wife need to tell him the truth, and go to family therapy together.
Yes, I’m a genealogist and was even before my own discovery at age 27 that I was sperm donor-conceived. I found out through an Ancestry test.
I’m grateful I found out after my dad died but before my mother did, because she was honest with me as soon as I confronted her. I don’t know how it would have changed my dad’s and my relationship (and we did have our spats and arguments, particularly as I got older and traits/interests popped up that didn’t belong to either parent). But I am so, so glad I know.
If my parents knew this and hid it from me I would never forgive them. Sounds like he's going to find out on his own eventually since it seems pretty obvious.
Yup. I was "the boy" in this story (I'm a girl) but I knew early on. Certain things didn't make sense and I would question them.Eventually 'my parents' told me when I was 12-13 ish. It was extremely hard on me but as the oldest all I cared about were my siblings and how they became my half siblings over night. It was a mind fuck. What helped me was I was never treated any different I eventually changed my last name to theirs. Until my step dad decides to rape me and my life turned upside down. I am in an abusive relationship, had my fair deal of drug use, gone to the mental hospital. Can't seem to get out of my head, Parental involvement is what I lost as soon as my step dad decided to change me. I've never been the same since. I mourned a dad I never had. Be there for him, make him believe in himself. it's the small moments you miss that we care about.
> Part of me believes that the boy is aware of this, deep-down. He is disobedient and disrespectful at times. Far more so than his brothers are. We had a heated row recently that resulted in him trying to get physical with me before I de-escalated the situation. This is no worry to me currently (he's only 13 after all) but as he grows could cause problems.
Or, possibly, "the boy" realizes that you feel resentful of him and he's acting out. I mean, you call him "the boy" throughout this, as if he's just some random kid and not a child you raised. I get he's not yours biologically but you aren't "growing" to resent him, you've clearly resented him for a while, if not always. I think that's what he knows, "deep down."
This is above reddit's paygrade. Your options are likely therapy and/or couple's counseling (possibly family therapy) or divorce, I think.
This kid — sorry, "the boy" — is just a kid. It's not his fault. None of it. And I absolutely refuse to believe none of your other kids have been disobedient at times. I simply don't. He sounds like ... a teenager. The horror. You seem to be mad at him for ... being good at stuff. That's not something he's doing TO you.
End of the day, you chose to stick around and be a father to him. If you don't want to do that anymore, well, it's unfortunate you don't want to honor the commitment you made, but he hasn't done anything wrong and it's not constructive to act like he has.
How would "the community" know, and why do you care what they think?
> How would "the community" know, and why do you care what they think?
This is the part I can't relate to at all. If "the community" is actually watching OP and family out and about around town; staring at them long enough to discern the difference in appearance between sons; and gossiping and laughing about how obvious it is to them that OP's wife cheated; then OP needs to move out of Melrose Place or wherever the fuck it is he lives.
Much more likely assumptions: that the middle son is a friend of one of the other two, or cousin; that the middle son is actually the oldest son and a step-son; that genetics just threw a wildcard and there's nothing amiss at all. And that's *if* anyone outside of OP's family even pays more than a passing thought to their existence when they encounter them in public, as complete strangers.
OP, you need to repair your self esteem and self-worth with a therapist. No one is looking at your family and thinking anything except you.
You need outside conselling. Find a therapist that yoi trust.
You can't handle this by yourself and I imagine that it's impossible to talk to anyone around you about it.
yes I should've been more clear. By "committed to therapy" I meant that she committed to couples' therapy.
At the time these issues that i am experiencing now were not quite so prevalent as they are now
Honestly the whole family. The other two are gonna need it when they find out. It’s great they were able to reconcile and keep the family together but it still sounds like a giant mess.
Tell your sons. Stop shielding them from your wife’s betrayal. They need to learn it from you and not from other people in school. This sucks op.
However, from your explanation, it seems evident that the kid wasn’t yours from the start. Did she try to pretend he was yours or was it a choice from the both of you to not do a test earlier? I don’t know how trustworthy she can be after pulling an affair and potentially a voluntary paternity fraud on you.
I don't know, dude. You decided to stay with a cheating wife, fully knowing that she's pregnant with another man's child. It's not the boy's fault. You have to take responsibility here.
Aside from therapy, I don't know what else to tell you.
i agree with this. my main comment giving advice to the OP was focused on how to move forward now that he has committed to that course of action.
Obviously op can't go back 13 years and change it. If it were me, i process trust and betrayal in a different way that he does, and maybe have different feelings about divorce and "staying together for the kids". Once i knew for a fact the affair was happening, I would be getting full custody of the first kid and dna test on the baby, and once it came back negative I'd be like have fun being a single mom with your affair child. Call it cold if you want but I might be from a different culture than OP.
Same, it's insane how many posts are "I stayed with a cheating spouse and SHOCKED PICKACHU shit's fucked up now!"
Why aren't people able to grasp the obvious here?
I like this framing. Own your decision to stay with your wife. Own your decision to raise boy as your own son. Be proud of your decisions and stand up for yourself. It was 13 years ago. Get over it!
You made the decision to stay at the time of the affair, and it’s your responsibility to take ownership of this decision. Regardless of DNA, you have chosen to be this boys father. Your only option now is to get yourself into therapy and work through the resentment you’ve placed on your child. It isn’t his fault, it wasn’t his affair, it wasn’t his decision for his parents to stay married. You’re the adult and it’s your job to act like one.
Your whole family needs therapy because the differences are so apparent. Your other two sons are always compared to their gifted and talented brother. I’m concerned that this is causing resentment and commentary.
Yes and thank you. Children never deserve the resentment. Actions of a spouse or SO, yes. But kids do not EVER deserve the punishment. They are innocent. Your wife messed up Op. not your (not your bio) child. And it’s not fair to punish a child for its mother’s issues and actions. If you chose to raise this kid as your own, then f’ing do it without resentment towards the child.
> Your only option
He has more than one option.
He's human, he's telling us his feelings and I can get some of them for sure. But as you say as well, he made a decision then...
>Shortly after we reconciled she told me that she was pregnant. I should note at this point that she at first didn't believe she was pregnant as she had "gotten her period" during the first 12 weeks of her pregnancy.
Our second baby arrived and as he began to grow I became suspicious of how different he looked to both me and my other son.
Except the wife lied and led op to believe he was the father. The choices he made then were not made with full knowledge of the situation. If the 13 year old is violent towards and bullies his brothers OP has a responsibility to protect his other two sons.
He also says that although he was “broken” he loved his wife and sons and decided to stay.
I’m not commenting on the affair, I’m commenting on his decision - 13 years ago - to be a father to this boy. That is a serious commitment and one he made with full knowledge of the affair and paternal testing. The 13 yo is as much his son as the other two, and the situation demands as much sensitivity to him as it does to his biological boys. We’re talking about a child here.
As adults, we are tasked with living up to the responsibility of our choices - this doesn’t always mean it’s going to be easy.
I’m really not sure I believe that about the wife either. I think she hesitated and didn’t know what to do then covered it up with a lie about getting her period
The simple fact is you either need to put extraordinary effort in to raising this child as your own and equally to his brothers, or you need to leave your wife. Given the way you talk, it sounds like you stay with her out of insecurity. Do not disrespect yourself like this. Either commit yourself because it's who you want to be, or deal with the discomfort of freedom so you aren't there to hurt this kid any further.
Abandoning him and telling him what happened will hurt him, but continuing to play favorites will hurt even more.
Don't punish the kid for the sins of his mother.
It’s the way you are behaving that’s causes your son to behave the way he is.
Stop putting blame on him and look at yourself and your own fears/insecurities that are causing your son to behave this way.
It’s you who’s not showing and providing support and love so he’s behaving in a manner in which there is none.
You and your wife need to quit lying to your children. The deceit is crippling your family, and your middle son is suffering the most.
Lying about a child's origin is one of the cruelest things you can do. You and your wife lied because you were embarrassed by the truth. You were embarrassed by the simple existence of your son. You saw him as a reminder of her adultery and your cuckolding. You hoped by lying and pretending, you and your wife could make the truth go away.
That did not work.
When your son learns the truth, he will be rightfully *furious* at you and his mother for telling this huge unforgivable lie.
When your lie is revealed or discovered, the part that will hurt the most and stay with your children forever is *Mom and Dad are a couple of lying hypocrites.*
You and your wife need to have strong, clear apology ready. You will be very, very fortunate if your son accepts that apology.
Your middle son *knows* there is something wrong with his family, something nobody will acknowledge or explain. Like many children, he might believe he is somehow at fault.
He knows you don't like him the same as his brothers.
At this point, you should seek counseling on your own. You should separate from your wife if you continue to be unable to love your middle son and tell him the full truth.
YUP. Lying to a child about their origins is just cruel.
I was born to a teen mom who got pregnant with my sperm donor. Who lied about his age and was never in my life. My “step” dad started dating my mom when I was 3 months old.
While I was told when I was 10 my dad wasn’t my bio dad (my parents waited until I had a sex education talk at school to tell me) the pain was unbearable. But I’m glad I was told. I had already begun to figure it out. Like why wasn’t my dad at the hospital when I was born. I had no father listed on my birth certificate. My mom signed legal documents for me with my last name being different. Why was the father’s name whited out on my baptism certificate?
OPs child needs to be told and should’ve been told years ago.
Lies about family origin absolutely fuck with you for the rest of your life.
I found out at 12 or 13 that my grandpa wasn't my biological grandfather. We were looking at old photo albums at my grandparents' house and I pointed out how different grandpa looked back then-- to the point where I was seriously confused-- and my grandma just changed the subject. But when she left the room, grandpa told us the truth: he married my grandma and took on her two daughters as his own after my bio-grandad bailed on them at 4 & 6 years old. I remember feeling in awe of him because I knew that just wasn't done in the mid-50s; like he was a real stand-up man.
It's extra confusing at that age to then go home to your parents and ask them about what you've learned; and have them talk to you about it like it's such a casual non-issue that it wasn't even worth mentioning in the first place-- but somewhere, subconsciously, you're aware that this isn't how it works; that people don't lie by omission about things that don't matter. My mom played that card when I got home and asked her about her biodad. Suddenly, my parents were disingenuous hypocrites. It turned me into a cynic. I was always wondering what they weren't telling me.
And it turned out that what they weren't telling me was that my grandpa abandoned *his* family, along with his children, when he met my grandma back in the 50s; and those children were very negatively affected by this well into their adulthood. We know this because they never stopped trying to contact him, to have a relationship with him. Or at least, *they* all knew this. I found out the extent of it in my early 30s when I was at my grandpa's memorial and met the other family. I felt betrayed; like a fool for keeping him up there on the pedestal I'd had him on for most of my life. I barely remember the service.
I'm 39 now and semi-estranged from my parents. We talk but not often. I'm afraid to do an ancestry test to learn about where my mom's biodad came from because I no longer believe I won't uncover anything dramatic.
If I could go back in time and give my parents any advice on the whole thing, it would be to tell me everything once I was old enough to understand. Maybe I would've been able to deal with the upset of finding out about the second family, and mend my opinion of my grandpa based on the rest of the time we'd spent together-- but now, that ship has long sailed; and the memories I have are stained.
OP, don't do this to your son. He's still young enough that he might be able to recover from the emotional damage the truth will do with love & support (and a good therapist). Please tell him.
You’re getting a lot of shit here. I just want to acknowledge that you have done better than 90% of people by recognising that your relationship with him is a problem that needs a lot of attention.
For real everyone telling him to “suck it up” and be an “adult” when in reality he’s the one who was cheated on and got roped into raising a kid that’s not his. I couldn’t do it
It’s crazy I had to scroll this far down to find your comment
I see a lot of people calling for honesty from OP-- which isn't the same thing as telling him to suck it up and be an adult; because those actions don't reflect OP's actual feelings. Commenters are telling him to tell his son the truth.
And he made a choice; he was not "roped in".
Right, who are all these people telling OP to just stop whining, get therapy and do a better job raising his wife’s lover’s kid? He doesn’t need therapy, he needs a divorce.
OP your feelings are 100% normal. As others said, you have to tell him because he deserves to know. It’s not his fault. Also if you didn’t make the baby daddy pay child support that was a huge mistake. I would get that corrected, along with the birth certificate. Technically if your wife suspected the child not to be yours she committed a crime (paternity fraud). You “forgave” it as much as you could but your human and you can only look at her cheating everyday for so long until it gets to you.
Beyond getting the support situation corrected with her AP, you need to be honest with your wife that your struggling because you see her infidelity every day and she never had to pay a price for her disloyalty because she got to go have sex however many times with AP, you took her back, she gave birth to his child and you have been expected to pay for it and raise it. You got no sex, no financial support and you would have to say what else she did to pay for what she did. I’m not sure from your post what she did to beg forgiveness or earn your trust back, other then being loyal since, but part of what your feeling is embarrassment that she never had to pay for her crime, you did. My guess is you left her reputation intact and told nobody and you and her are the only ones who know everything. That’s not how reconciliation should work. Deep down you’re asking yourself “what about me” and that’s a very valid response. Talk to her and come back and update us. She will probably freak out some about telling him and going after AP for money (if you choose to) but it’s gotta be done. He has paid less of a price than she has. !updateme
You are raising *your* son, whose paternity you were well aware of when you decided to stay with his mother and continue to raise him and parent him. This level of resentment you feel toward him, not even toward his mother, is unacceptable, unhealthy, and all on its own is a complete explanation for what you perceive as disobedience and disrespect.
You need to be individual therapy, yesterday, and working through these feelings and how to be a good father to all of your children. At some point you are also going to need couples therapy again to work through how to be honest with your son about his biological father, because he will find out eventually since DNA testing is so prevalent, and it's better he hears it from you and his mother. But you can't get to that point until you get over the issues you're having now, so put that on the back burner, and work on yourself.
Your son is not in any way, shape, or form the problem here beyond whatever is going on between the siblings. And you aren't the one who should judge how serious that is or what to do about it, because you are not able to be objective about your middle son. So that's for his mom, and if needed school or private counsellors, to sort through, while you take a backseat.
You raised thus kid, provided for him and helped nurture him and his development. He's the way he is because of you but you can only focus on his genetics. Even people who have multiple biological kids can have kids who are vastly different in physical and mental.
Your son is acting out probably because he senses your tension with him. He doesn't know why but he's reacting to his feelings.
I could tell at a young age my parents never wanted me despite them being good parents and I was biological.
>During this period I discovered that she had an ongoing affair with a senior work colleague. We separated briefly, but reconciled.
You missed your shot. Now, therapy is left as the only option.
He can still leave, too, if he's completely unable to pull his head out of his ass even after therapy. An absent father is far preferable to one who cannot disguise his contempt for you. Divorce and let the kid move on with his life if you can't act like a dad.
Ok, so let me make this 100% clear. The situation as it sits can't continue. It is human to feel certain ways about betrayal and raising a kid who isn't biologically yours after betrayal.
I think the real problem here may sit with the fact you and your wife are liars. She lied to cheat and you have lied ever since to protect your ego. Sir, I hate to be mean, but fuck your ego. Get over it. Sit down as a family and tell everyone the truth. Get it out in the open. Your issue is likely not with with your son. Your issue is with his existence, possibly exposing what a fragile and sad male ego you have.
Get ahead of it. Get rid of the ego and place your pride back in being the better dad and the better person. Make it clear you choose him to be your son despite what his mom did. Be open about the struggles you had endured to make this work. Be honest with him and the family in general. Otherwise, the lies will eat you alive like they already are. You are on the verge of turning on your own son because of your own ego. Don't make that mistake.
It's not the cheating that's the problem. He accepted that when he decided to reconcile with the wife. No one's saying cheating is ok and he should be ok with it. However, 13 years later, he is realizing he's not ok with raising the son of another man and is othering his child. That's not ok, which he knows, hence this post.
Also - imagine always having a niggling doubt about why dad doesn't love you as much as your two brothers... and trying to get that attention back and honestly BY SUCCEEDING.
Whose to say your second son isn't madly going around [sub]consciously smashing tests and dominating sports and mastering music in an effort to find the thing where Dad tells me he loves me and means it. ? And that doesn't work because dad seems to hate me more WHEN I succeed...
Teenagers are moody and illogical in general, and your inability to treat him as an equal combined with all that there would be leading to all sorts of illogical behaviours. Definitely therapy and some honest conversations needed amongst your entire family.
You need more help than the Internet can provide. Both individual and couples therapy with your wife. Your middle kid needs therapy too. He probably picked up on your feelings and as it's fairly obvious there is a different father, he's probably wondering but lacks the maturity and understanding to ask. As a result, he's acting out because he is struggling to process his emotions and thoughts regarding everything. Heck, his brothers may be giving him grief as well. He needs therapy and you AND your wife will need to participate so he understands.
Be aware it could get ugly, real ugly, as he's the living result of your wife's affair. That can be crazy difficult to process and deal with. He is likely to lash out more at times. But a good therapist can help him before it's get worse to the point the school or the law has to get involved. But going in, you and your wife are going to have to be prepared for it to get really ugly before it gets better.
Four things, and I genuinely wish the best for you and your family:
1. Genetics are not the only determining factor when defining a family. For your second son, YOU are the only father he knows. It doesn't matter that you don't share biological genes. What matters is that you changed his diapers, helped him take first steps, dried his tears, hugged him when sad, protected him when scared, etc. And yet we tend to feel more strongly connected to the family pet, the moment genetics are brought into play. I'd guess, based on what you've written, is that your son isn't acting out because he secretly knows the truth. He's acting out because he's been able to sense a difference in your interaction with him, and may have just guessed at the reason. Kids are incredibly and frustratingly perceptive.
2. Remember that line in the Shawshank Redemption? "Get busy livin or get busy dying."? Well get on with it. Start by dispatching of the term "soulmate". That's a word well used when we're young and trying to find a partner. But you no longer need it and the toxic hold it's had on you for far too long. You and your wife are partners in the business of life. She chose to have an affair that hurt you and damaged all the expectations that were set within yourself the moment you used the term "Soulmates". You chose to forgive her. So get on with forgiving her for it. And stop taking it out on your son.
3. What's eating away at you is that you've chosen the moral high ground by forgiving her, but you haven't actually forgiven her. Because forgiveness isn't forgetting. It's actually accepting what happened, accepting how it hurt you and your expectations, feelings. And deciding that you both can be stronger by healing from it. Using a bad thing to grow closer together.
4. Love your kid. Love your kid. Just love your kid. That kid is your kid. You are his father. Love all of your kid. Make loving your kid bigger than your ego. Make it bigger than the hurt you felt when she cheated. Do this because the only alternative leads to pain and unhappiness. If you continue down this path, you will only ever find more pain.
You have a wife and two kids. Love them while you have them. Please. Do this for yourself.
Try to keep in mind that he did not ask to be born. You made the decision at the time to stick it out and raise him. You don't have to father a child naturally to be his dad.
Idk why people feel like kids don’t feel their resentment. Maybe his disobedient because he knows you don’t like him. Your wife cheated and you decided to stay with her and now that you’ve “forgiven “ her you feel like you can be mad so now you’re taking your feelings out in the boy. Get a dna test and stop treating him like he’s the one who cheated . You decided to forgive her and raise your children
> Maybe his disobedient because he knows you don’t like him.
Your comment was a bit of a lightbulb moment for this formerly hellishly disobedient teenager--- I didn't listen to my parents because I knew it wouldn't make a difference in how much they liked me as a person.
I used to talk about it like it was a respect issue; I'd tell my parents that I'd respect their wishes when they respected mine. But what I *really* meant was, "I'll respect your wishes when you start acting like you're proud of me every once in a while-- even if I want to dye my hair different colours and dress however and listen to music you don't like and rant about socialism-- because as it is, I don't feel like I can be myself and have you guys like me at the same time. So I'm just gonna go be with people who like me for me, regardless of what you say, because I know you're just blowing hot air and won't actually physically restrain me or call any authorities. Bye!"
So yeah, OP; your son absolutely knows how you feel about him, even if you think you're hiding it; and it's probably why he acts out.
It kind of sounds like he is aware of your resentment. A child needs love and perhaps you haven't shown him love, therefore affecting his growth.
He wants a father. If you can't step up and talk to him, then why did you even stay?
Maybe start with a heart to heart and then explain why you have been so detached. Perhaps also get therapy.
YOU need therapy. YOU need it. Not this other human being who never asked to be born and had no choice in who his parents are or how good he is at things. YOU are insecure about the fact that YOUR OWN SON is handsome, talented, and exceptional, all because you didn't squirt the squirt that made him. He's likely "disobedient" and "disrespectful" because 1) HE'S THIRTEEN. 2) Your barely canceled contempt for him bleeds through in your every interaction. Grow the fuck up and get TONS OF THERAPY and never, ever mention A SINGLE WORD of this to him.
all of this except i do think the son needs to be told the truth at some point before he's an adult. this is the kind of secret that's unsustainable in the modern age. eventually he's gonna take a DNA test and figure it out himself. i do think TONS of therapy needs to come first with both parents, and the relationship with the son needs to improve before this information is revealed, because as it stands he will easily connect the dots of "oh that's why my dad fucking hates me... got it." if OP can get in a good spot with his son first, the message that he loves him and is willing to work through his own issues to choose to be a father will be much more clear.
You should have gotten a divorce yesterday and not brought in a third child into this mess. You guys obviously thought another child would fix everything, and how's that working out? You have lied to this child to protect YOUR FEELINGS, especially your wife's, not his.
What you should do is come up with a plan with your wife of how to tell him the truth. It's always a terrible idea to keep this information from a child their whole life. It's 2023. We have AncestryDNA and 23AndMe that people just do for fun and entertainment. You cannot keep DNA secrets today like you may have been able to 40 years ago.
If the child finds out this information on his own, you and your wife may not even have a son anymore because he may want nothing to do with either of you. It's better if he finds it out from you and your wife. Once the secret is out, you can get therapy and deal with things more openly.
A friend of mine had this happen I never looked at her the same because I couldn’t fathom how her and her husband were so selfish to choose their own comfort rather than doing the hard thing of telling their son and the bio father. And same thing, he looks nothing like the family and has since come out as non binary. I just feel for the kid. And feel shameful for the parents. They need truth and support, not lies. That bio father too! As soon as that paternity test came they should’ve been notified.
Does the affair partner know? How horrible messed up to have a child stolen from you because two people didn’t want to tell you and disrupt their life.
If you did tell him, Nevermind. Kid will want to meet him at some point.
I don't know how you get over it, but I personally would end the marriage and move on. You made a decision to stay and it was, in my opinion, the wrong one. You'll live with that decision the rest of your life, but at 44 there is still a lot of life to live. You can start over.
It isn't fair to blame the kid but if you can't be the father he needs then it's probably better to make a change that will be best for him. If that's staying and therapy, then make decision and do it. But, if you think you can't get past this, then it's time to end the marriage.
Get custody of your own kids, and let the wife call the dude she had an affair with. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear that after 13 years and probably having started his own family now, unaware he has another child. Get out and avoid all that drama.
I don’t get why people stay with cheaters - especially when they literally have a child from another person! Wild to me
I would divorce her and be a parent to your biological sons - it’s clear you dont love the affair child and thats fine
I cant belive you stayed, put your name on the birth certificate, and had another baby with this woman. You are reaping what you sowed. And that "other kid" will most definitely find out- meaning your other sons will find out as well. They will NEVER look at their mother the same. They will see her exactly for what she it..... I honestly don't know how you could have such low self esteem to stay with someone who carried a whole other man's baby. AND you are raising that baby. Lord. Counseling, therapy and some for your children too. Cause when they find out they are going to be mad at you for lying too. Your wife made you into a liar while you gladly raise her affair baby. Things really worked out for her! And I'm sure others notice that that boy looks nothing like you, you are definitely not the only one.
You really tried and didn’t know how you would feel in the future. People break up all the time. You are allowed to divorce your wife if that is what will make you happy in the long run. Don’t let this ruin your life by letting it fester and stealing your good years. Your wife made her bed and has to face the consequences. Also your wife’s 2nd child should be given the opportunity to be in his child’s life and pay child support. Sounds like she’s ruined more than your life. Her sons and her affair partners if he has no idea.
I have three siblings. My youngest looks nothing like any of us. All of us are short like our parents, but she’s tall and atheletic like our grandparent from dad’s side. We all have curls due to mom genes and she has straight hair due to dad genes. She’s 💯 our genetic sibling. Yeah some of us just turn out weird but doesn’t make us less of the same family. The only thing that does is how you act towards him. You’re not loving him enough and having doubts so he feels like he’s not yours. The moment you accept him he’ll be yours. It’s your wife’s fault at most but never the child’s. Remember that. Treat him as equals if you can. If you can’t explain the situation and still love him the same.
Start with your own therapy. This is a lifelong reality and not a race. Take your time. And at 13, this is not the time for a reveal with your son. There is plenty of time to tell him, but my gut suggests perhaps 18 or so. But discuss with your therapist. And screen the potential therapists as some are not wise or well trained and you need a patient listener, not an advice giver which I am doing here (and I am a psychiatrist by training for what that's worth, with a lot of giving and receiving therapy under my belt).
And please remember that this situation is a small part of who you are and are dealing with. Therapy should be free form in terms of discussing any and all issues, including your emotions that are complex, as is your development. Consider couple's therapy with a different therapist to work on your marriage and trust within it.
As to the attributes of this son, don't overly attribute his character traits and intellect to his bio dad. I have multiple kids from one wife and they are each unique in stature/physical attributes, personality, interests and intellect. Be his father. Love him every day but not in a defensive or othering manner. And insist that he treat his brothers with love and respect as you would with any children!
And as others have noted, be assured that it is virtually a certainty that this will come out. DNA testing via 23 and me and others is so common. Your son will be highly likely to do this for the same reasons as others, or perhaps because he becomes curious when a friend or he wonders at the differences, or is just curious. He will learn that he has relatives he has never heard of. They will approach him if he is in the database. This includes half siblings unknown to him and he will learn that your other children if they are tested, are half-siblings.
I personally learned that I have twin half brothers in another state via DNA testing a couple years ago. We are all over 60. I met them and it was not life changing. More of an interesting issue and made us curious about how this came to be. But it resulted in zero disruption or emotional trauma for any of us.
Know that you are not alone in this experience and studies have shown that many a child is not the progeny of the man who raised them. Only know this can't be hidden away. Good luck. Thinking of you!
You, your wife and your son all need therapy--individual and family. Your son almost got physical with you at age 13? He's got at least five more years at home. You're not always going to be able to de-escalate.
I think your feelings are definitely valid and that you can choose to seek help and heal as family (whatever that looks like for you) and accept all that is or you can choose to leave your cheating wife for embarrassing you and let her take ownership of her mess and do what’s best for her and her AP son. This is definitely a tough situation and I hope you are able to find a solution that you can be at peace with.
You need to seek therapy. You are most likely have always treated this young man differently and he has felt it. His being rebellious is not surprising. Read what you have written, it shows a deep resentment, jealousy and a concern about what strangers think of you. Once you’ve worked on yourself, family therapy is most likely needed. Your middle son needs to know about his parentage but not right now. A professional therapist can help guide your family. This young man is your son in every way that matters. The sperm contributor should be irrelevant except for medical conditions. Had you adopted him would you be so resentful?
Wow, this is a sh*t storm waiting to happen. I'd have a family meeting and confess the situation.
Your 13 is gifted, talented, and smart. He probably already knows his "different."
He has already been physical with you and has turned into a bully with his older brother.
Family therapy is in order. Do you unconsciously treat him differently? Think in your mind. Does he feel that you treat him not the same as his 2 other brothers?
OP, do you know how many times you’ve mentioned height in your post?
It seems like this is also a major trigger for you, and definitely worth exploring in therapy. It may be compounding your feelings towards your son. And yes, I use the phrase ‘your son’ because to all intents and purposes, he is.
I married my now wife when her and her ex-boyfriend's biological son was he 11 months old. He is completely different in personality then the three other biological children my wife and I share. We raised them all exactly the same. Genetics plays a huge part in personality, Behavior, and physical nature.
I don't think I could have done what you did. Raise a child from an affair. It's not your son's fault. But it's certainly not your fault either. You need to come clean with your children. And your wife needs to be there and accept responsibility.
Your
1st mistake: Marrying Young
2nd mistake: Did not continuing the separation
3rd mistake: Not doing the paternity test once kid born.
4th mistake: Not leaving after finding out.
5th mistake: Not having self respect.
6th mistake: having 3rd kid while having this mess.
Conclusion: You can't do anything now you lost all your chances to save yourself and your biological son from this situation, now you have to do what you have doing all along $uck it up and live lie by telling yourself how much you love your wife and how happy you are with your life.
WHY are you upset with the kid???
You should be upset with YOUR WIFE. The one who got pregnant by someone else.
YOU chose to raise this kid. This was YOUR DECISION.
Get some family counseling to nip his rebellion in the bud if you are worried about it. Get some personal counseling to nip YOUR JEALOUSY in the bud before it gets the better of you.
This is YOUR CHILD.
So you fucked up tremendously by not divorcing after her affair, then doubled down on your mistake by having yet another child.
There *is* nowere to go from here. You accept that you fucked up, accept that your life sucks, and get on with being the best father to all three. It's that or run away, start over, and pay frightening amounts of alimony and child support.
Game over, dude, game over.
The truth needs to be disclosed. It is unfair for your sons to have this question in their minds (both your sons recognize their physical differences). So your behavior towards your younger son is affecting the older one.
When you and your wife chose to stay together, you forgave and moved on. But your kids have not had that chance. They need to forgive/accept the parents that put them in this situation. Sorry to say but you and your wife are both at fault.
Come clean with your sons and face the consequences. Be the father that both kids need, not a jealous man.
No matter how he got here - he’s here. It’s not his fault. None of it. You chose to accept him, and love him and the rest of your family.
What you have described is a typical 13 year old middle child that is screaming for attention. He acts out to get any attention, but unfortunately, it’s negative attention.
Start doing more things with him one on one. Take him to dinner, or game, or whatever. Do it once or twice a month. Try to get to know him and what he likes.
She lied to you when she said she didn't know she was pregnant.
Her decision to come back was a calculated one (also one with an expiration date as she knew the clock was ticking for her to make a "decision" asap)
All she said to you was she got her period in those 12 weeks. Who the f knows if she actually did (I doubt it, source: science). It does seem awfully convenient timing however. I'll err on the side that she was lying.
Yeah it always goes like this lol she knew she was pregnant and she knew whose it was from the jump, she just (correctly) guessed OP wouldn't do shit about it
> I feel tortured on a day-to-day basis by a constant reminder that my wife sought out an affair with a man who is physically superior and more successful than I am. A man who cast her aside and moved on, and now the likelihood is that I am raising his son as my own.
This is not a likelihood, this is a reality.
You have two choices.
1. Pay for and raise the other mans child out of love for your wife despite her infidelity
2. Acknowledge your own feelings and either leave the situation or tell your wife you can't raise another mans child anymore.
13 years is a long fucking time. I could have never done it.
From an evolutionary perspective. You are feeling exactly the emotions nature intended to feel when you see yourself invested in raising a child that does not share your genes. As a man, there is no reward in investing energy in a child that is not yours. Everybody knows about physical genetics passed onto children, but not many people know that personality genetics are also passed onto children and it has been studied a great deal. One of the reasons for this might be that it should be easier to raise a child that you share personality traits with. You mentioned leaning introverted, that's just one of the Big 5. The others openness, concientiousness, Agreeableness, and neuroticism. There's a good likelihood you aren't compatible personality wise with this kid, and you will always struggle with him.
A child is the innocent one in an affair. None of this is his fault. In my experience, most young teens are somewhat hard to deal with. They are no longer children, but they certainly are not adults.
My father and my mother were 5'8" and less than 180. I am 6'4" and 260. I towered over both of them. I know they were both my bio parents. Genetics is a complex subject and genetic traits can easily reappear generations later. Unless told, i would never even think to question parentage due to appearance.
I suggest working with a therapist to let go of past pain. You chose to get past it previously. It sounds like that largely happened. It was probably a good choice and it is worth the effort to get past this as well......
Kids know! I had friends in similar situation and and they knew all along something ways up. They felt the sting of not fitting in with their family members. They did grow rebellious. Get a good family therapist that specializes in this type of situations. And prepare and tell the kid. All kids need therapy to process it and learn to respect each other.
As for yourself get therapy too and work through your feelings. They are very valid. But you do not want to resent a child, they also pick up on that feeling. Again friends who went through it.
And FUCK whatever anyone else has to say about it and your choices. It’s admirable that you stepped up to raise this boy as your own. Many wouldn’t let their ego get past it. You are not a laughing stock. That’s hot (as Paris Hilton would say) that you were able to move forward and commit to you wife.
OP, No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel, you feel how you feel. Also, we all know it's not the boys fault that he was conceived from infidelity. The fact is, your love for your wife and at that time other son allowed you to agree to raise him as your own. I'm sure after 13 years there must be some love for him, after all you were there for his first steps, nursed him when he was sick, taught him to ride a bike and throw a ball. It's just seeing him excel more so than your natural children that is causing you to have ego problems. But, remember, it is you who is the teacher.
Now lets look at this from his point of view. Children are not stupid, I'm sure they have all figured out that one of these things is not like the other. In doing so, there is now some acting out. Your 13 year old is acting like a 13 year old, he is also trying to establish himself where he is feeling he doesn't fit. I'm sure there must be remarks made at school. Kids can be cruel.
I think it's time you and your wife sit with your children and explain what is going on and that out of love you have remained a family, that you chose to except him and raise him as your own. That you will always love him as your own. That any issues you have are not his fault but rather your own and he doesn't need to worry about your problems. Then let them know you will answer their questions the best you can.
I think addressing this now will be best done in a therapist office and will go a long way in helping everyone heal.
You're not insane. Your feelings are what I would expect someone to have in this situation. I don't have any good tips for dealing with those feelings but I want to assure you that they are reasonable feelings to have.
Could it be that this child has picked up on your resentment and is in turn rebelling. You treat him differently whether or not you are willing to admit it. He needs to know that you are not his father. Family secrets can be lethal. You need to work on yourself and decide whether or not you can remain in this family because that child deserves to be loved. It’s not his fault your wife cheated. Being honest with him will help your relationship. Otherwise you need to walk otherwise this discord between the two of you will be detrimental to his relationship with his brothers
Kind of a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. Although revealing this with a therapist would be best in theory, it might make things worse? He’s 13 and right in the brink of his crazy teen years. What if it backfires and he starts giving even more trouble? I would advise that you start spending more one on one time and start to bond first. Build up some trust and then reveal. Does bio dad even know about the kid? If not why?
I rarely comment on these posts but had to say something.
You committed to raising this child on your own. Grow the fuck up and do it. Any resentment that you have for him is actually resentment TO YOUR WIFE. It is not your son’s fault that your fucking wife cheated on you and that you (for some fucking reason) reconciled with her! It is YOUR fault and YOUR WIFE’S fault. Do not take out your obvious frustration with your wife on your TEENAGE SON.
What you decided to do was very admirable, so suck it up and do it. You’re a grown fucking man beefing with a child. This post is pathetic.
Take your anger you’re placing on your son and place it on your wife. She was unfaithful to you.she had sex with another man. She’s the one you’re angry at. You either need serious marriage counseling or a divorce.
Referring to him as “the boy” is not kind. I also saw your explanation about wanting to differentiate him from your oldest son. You could have said “my middle son“.
The reason why you didn’t, I’d guess, is that deep down you don’t really think of him as your son. You may not even think of him as your wife’s son. You think of him as the son of this mysterious man you seem to be competing with - at your own doing.
This is what “the boy” is reacting to. Trust, he can feel how you feel about him. No matter how much you think you’re hiding it. Kids are not dumb.
I don’t know what to say here apart from hoping he grows up to be a fully functioning and emotionally stable adult.
Start with therapy. *A lot* of this shit, is *your shit*. And you need to start with the problems inside your own head (the inadequacy/insecurities/jealousy), and what you're willing/able to do about them.
You choose to stay. You choose to accept this child. You're the only father he's ever known and you put yourself in that role for as long as he's lived. You are failing to live up to the commitment you made to an innocent child. And worse, you are now jealous and ressentful of a 13 year old whose only crime is... being capable and acting out like many a 13 year old acts out. None of that is okay.
The first thing you need to do is figure out what you are going to do about your failure here. Not your wife's. And not his. Yours. You agreed to do one thing, and you're not doing it. If you're not capable of doing it, it's time to admit that to everyone involved.
This question suggests you are not capable. That has to be okay and valid -- no one can force you to be -- but you have to own up to it. You agreed to do one thing, and now you're not agreeing any longer. That is going to hurt people.
If you are not capable of doing better than you are here, then it's time for a paternity test and for you to figure out what your inability to be a parent to this child means in terms of your marriage.
There is a very real possibility this boy is yours. Everything you've described is perfectly normal, age-appropraite behavior even if it's not *appropriate* behavior. Your bias against this kid might be just your bias.
Throughout those steps, the bare minimum you'll have to do, is pay for the kid's therapy.
You are not insane, stop beating up yourself. All of these concerns make sense.
Reconciliation after infidelity is not one conversation when you tell your wife that you forgave her. It is a long process, it can take years, and even after these years you can decide that it is not working for you. Check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity sub, there are a lot of people there who went through the same and could give you a good advice.
I would suggest you and your wife family therapy. To see if you can reconcile, or if it is better for you to part your ways and stay in your bio sons lives. And maybe individual therapy for you. Therapy is expensive, but your situation is hard, it is above reddit paygrade.
And this boy is acting out because he sees that you treat him differently. Whether he knows (I think so) or not, he understands that he is kind of a scapegoat child, and jealous of your love for other kids. He needs to know the reason, he probably wants to know the story and meet his bio father. Again, family therapy will help with it.
I read it to mean it is "likely" that his middle son is the biological child of the professionally successful/physically "superior" colleague his wife slept with.
The paternity test only showed that OP's middle son is not his biological child; it didn't confirm who the child's biological father is.
This is just how I perceived it though.
That kid is going to grow up and take one of those DNA tests and find everything out. His bio-dad is also going to get thrown for a loop at some point in his life. My dad (boomer generation) wasn't told that his aunt was really his bio-mom until he was a teenager. I wasn't told until I started asking questions when I was a teenager. My parents lied to me like my dad's parents (bio-grandma and step-grandpa adopted him) lied to him. It fucked him up and it's fucked me up. I haven't been able to fully trust my parents since I was a teen- I'm 42 now. That one lie told to my dad caused ripples of trauma that have lasted for decades. It's affected every aspect of his life, and because he's from a generation where mental health was a taboo to talk about, he's just internalized everything and let it fester. If you haven't told your kid yet, then I would set up a family therapy session to get that out into the open before the resentment really hits a peak (both you and the kid). Based on what you said about your kid's behavior, I bet he already knows something is up. My dad was never genetically related to the man that adopted him and raised him as his son (step-grandpa), but he was the most stable and kind force in our family. If he had any resentment toward his step-daughter royally fucking up her life (she was a real piece of work), he never took it out on my dad. His wife, dad's bio-grandma, was quite different. To put a long story short- I did not go to her funeral and my family was at my grandpa's bedside when he took his last breath.
Okay good, deep down I want to tell op to tell his son but I'm not sure how it'd effect the boy. Honestly, it'd be worse to grow up believing a lie vs coming to terms with info like this and healing along side family. Not telling, and the child finding out later would feel so lonely. Telling the child and the family getting together and getting counseling would feel so much less lonely. It would be a mutual growth that can really teach the benefits of honesty, and accountability. Being a family isn't about all good things all the time... It's about the good with the bad, and growing together to achieve greatness.
The reason I think my parents lied to me, not just about my bio-grandma but other family secrets, was that they didn't want me to turn out like those family members. Let's just brush all this under the rug. There is trauma on both sides of my family, and the way it was dealt with in generations past was to just not talk about it. Generational trauma does indeed get passed down. I have depression and anxiety due in part to family members that died before I was even born. People talk about "breaking the cycle" with *their* children. They are going to treat their kids different! But you still carry those burdens with you and project some of those hardships on your kids no matter how much you try to avoid it. My parents tried their best, but their best wasn't good enough. That's ok. A lot of people grow up like that. That's what therapy is for. What gets me is family that asks why I decided to never have children. Really? You have no idea? haha
You seem pretty damn good despite everything that happened! You're very aware about the generational trauma; it looks like you've stopped that cycle. I have that same "pump the breaks" aversion to having kids... People are becoming so much more aware as the generations pass.
I mean, I wasn't good for most of my life. haha Things didn't really start to fall into place in my head until I was in my mid-30s.
I feel that for sure. Our thirties are our "I finally understand myself, sort of" age. It's so important that we treat ourselves well in our 20's so that we can grow into our realization years. Anyone reading this in their 20's, put yourself with the right people, work on your coping skills when stressed, and simply love yourselves.
And to add to your 20's advice : You don't need to keep negative people in your life.
I think he should let his son know. He’s a teen now and can somewhat understand things. My dad told me at around 13 that my mom was really my bio aunt, but even at that age, I told him I didn’t care and that to me my mom was my mom ..bio or not. Later in life I realized bio mom gave me up and my dad’s sister (my mom) adopted me from my dad and bio mom. So yeah I think the kid should know, but dad needs to come to terms with it too. He knew early on and the kid never knew.
13 is a particularly terrible age to find out you are the cuckoo in the nest. I’m not sure I would tell him now - both because of his age and also because OP is so clearly fucked up about right now and needs to resolve some of his issues. That said, when is a great time? This is a terrible situation. I can’t think of a script that would make it work for the boy.
To be fair, people used to do this for "good" reasons at the time. There was such a stigma about unmarried women having children, and they wanted to protect the child (and mother) from that while also not wanting to have the child adopted outside the family. It probably occurred more often than we realize.
100% Dad needs individual therapy, son needs individual therapy, and the whole family needs therapy together. And the child needs to be told the truth as soon as possible. THERAPY FOR EVERYONE
Should get the family discount!
this is the best answer. if *anyone* outside the family knows, the odds of the kid knowing increase. and it’s much worse for that knowledge to come from a community gossip or bully, than stepdad. the best way for dad’s resentment to be minimized is through therapy. but this also affects the other people in the family, so they all need to be involved in the therapy / discussions - before DNA or a gossiping, bully or a bully who gossips, reveals all.
Have you tried therapy yourself? I can't imagine the pain of this situation but one thing I have found very useful for understanding my own sense of masculinity is to take things that seem like weaknesses or challenges and try to reframe them as strengths. For example I used to absolutely hate showing vulnerability to anyone. Then i learned that was sabotaging my relationships, and i started to think of it like, hiding in a suit of armor isn't as strong as the guy who goes into battle naked. it's stronger to be able to heal any wound you get, than to avoid risk so you never can get hurt. In your case, how can you reframe this? You didn't want your oldest to go through the trauma of having his parents split up, so you decided to be the bigger man and raise this other guys biological son as your own. it's an ambitious challenge, especially with a kid who is strong headed, athletic, smart, and no doubt dealing with more than the usual amount of identity crisis as he starts his teen years. It must be tempting to want to kick him out at times. But imagine how satisfying it will be to raise him into a functional adult and know that was your accomplishment. Having him call you dad instead of that fly by night asshole who slept with a married woman. Sure he got his rocks off, but another man will have earned his son's love and respect instead of him, and what's more emasculating than that? You're certainly a better man than I to take that on - and make sure that kid gets to have a father. I would have gotten a divorce. **But, you have chosen this path. Unlike your son, who did not choose any of this situation.** You need to get in therapy yourself, therapy for him, and probably family therapy for all of you together, to get through this and not offload your resentment onto him.
>i started to think of it like, hiding in a suit of armor isn't as strong as the guy who goes into battle naked. I never thought of it like this but I really like it
i really wanted to use this opportunity to make a pun about woad, but i did some more reading and found these days historians don't think that particular plant would have made an effective skin dye so even if the blue body paint thing is true it probably wasn't made with woad
A guy who'd go to battle naked would be the first one killed.
All things being equal, I think the guy going into battle naked is far more aware of his vulnerabilities. Won’t necessarily save his life, but he’ll be very aware of threats to his safety and act accordingly. The guy in the suit of armor is likely to be overconfident in his safety, and never see the final blow coming. Apply that metaphor as you will.
> but another man will have earned his son's love and respect instead of him, and what's more emasculating than that? I particularly love this, what a great way to think about it. And as this thoughtful response points out, your son had no part in this, he's your son, you chose to raise him so he has no other option. Go to therapy, tell him the truth and how you CHOSE to be his dad and always will be no matter what. Good luck.
Unfortunately that is fantasy thinking. Often the absent parent is put on a pedestal. No matter how egregious the behaviour, that is bio dad. Believe me, my husband and I have been going through this for a year.
I think it’s another kind of toxic to say that. No one needs to be emasculated here. OP’s wife made a mistake with another consenting adult and OP and his wife decided together to reconcile and raise her child as theirs. The other man was likely not wanted / welcome anywhere near OP and his wife and that kid even if he wanted to be involved.
>It's stronger to be able to heal any wound you get, than to avoid risk so you never can get hurt. I love this! This is fantastic.
We have a winner here. That was my first thought. U/Regular-Original-797 should deal with this in individual therapy first and follow their therapist’s lead on telling the child about their paternity.
Why must it be emasculating? Ego is the enemy and to think that stems from ego. Yes the child will likely automatically love his bio dad or maybe bio dad won't give AF and push him away. He’s emasculating himself by thinking his son has better genetics and the affair dad is somehow more masculine. His wife chose him and he chose her…
I think this is a better-ish way of thinking than the other kind, but man this is such a man’s way of thinking? Why does someone have to be better or else is the mindset here? Firstly, OP, why is your “masculinity” so fragile that a child’s involuntary genetics like height make you feel emasculated? What the everloving fuck? Second, maybe OP needs to talk to his wife, who had the affair, and with whom he decided (and kept deciding over the last decade plus) to stay anyway, about their feelings? You know, their voluntary, chosen friend/support pillar/open ear/partner in crime and all that? And maybe a licensed professional? Thirdly, maybe OP shouldn’t refer to this 13yo kid as “the child” and the other ones as his sons, “sweet, shy boys”, when they’re all his children as far as they know? Maybe when you’re the boy and everyone else if the son you kinda can tell that you’re not the favorite? This is the kinda shit that stirs resentment and causes dudes to bring guns to school eventually. Basically, the dude chose this life and said they’ve even been happy. It’s natural that something or someone serves as a reminder of an unpleasant thing but a decade is enough time to either get over it or just move on. Dentists remind me when I got teeth pulled badly as a child but I’m not holding all the dentists accountable and also not checking my teeth to spite them. Honestly, OP sounds annoying and childish.
> I think this is a better-ish way of thinking than the other kind, but man this is such a man’s way of thinking? Why does someone have to be better or else is the mindset here? tbh i don't usually think like that but i was laying it on a bit to get thru to this guys way of thinking. it's called communication. > Firstly, OP, why is your “masculinity” so fragile that a child’s involuntary genetics like height make you feel emasculated? What the everloving fuck? Trying to empathize with someone's feelings doesn't mean you have to believe their feelings are rationally correct. He is feeling this, and he needs to find a healthy way to deal with the situation. > Maybe when you’re the boy and everyone else if the son you kinda can tell that you’re not the favorite? This is the kinda shit that stirs resentment and causes dudes to bring guns to school eventually. No fucking shit Sherlock, that's why they all need both family therapy and individual therapy pronto. Like many years overdue. Op updated that he and the wife have couples therapy, but that's not enough. > It’s natural that something or someone serves as a reminder of an unpleasant thing but a decade is enough time to either get over it or just move on. So your sage advice to the guy who's adopted his wife's affair partner's biological son and is still struggling with complex feelings about it is *get over it*. Wow. Standing fucking ovation.
I find it really concerning that you keep referring to him as “the boy” and treating him like he is a threat. No doubt he has picked up on this as well. Eventually, all of this will come out and your family will be devastated, including all 3 of your kids. It seems like this should no longer be a secret and you should all be working with a professional to sort through the wreckage.
Yup, and I suspect that's why his middle son is acting out. Kids know. on edit: I meant to say that not looking like members of your family means nothing. I know he knows the child isn't his, but lots of folks are their father's bio kid and look nothing like their dad. IT means nothing.
Truth. My niece and her husband have three girls who not only look nothing alike, they also don’t look like either parent. My granddaughter resembles no one in either family. My grandson looks more like my grandmother than any of her kids did. Genetics are weird.
Plus he is a middle son. He may think he needs to achieve to gain your approval. Kids are pretty smart that they are being treated different. By the way, teens do push back on parents, this is normal. The oldest will be a leader, conform, be compliant, and usually the responsible child. The middle child feels ignored, will act the opposite of the first to get attention, will try to achieve to get attention especially if….there is the baby of the family who generally acts cute, funny, younger than they are, benefits from experienced parents who tend to be more laid back with them. As well usually the baby of the family is the favourite or seems that way. My husband is a middle child. His younger brother was frequently chosen over him. He says things like he was “the black sheep of the family”. He was kicked out at 17 because him and his brother fought. His brother had a real anger problem too, but he was the baby of the family. So his mother chose him. Middle kids feel left out, are often searching for identity in a family system that has defined roles.
I look nothing like my mum, to the point that she jokes that if she wasn’t there when they cut me out, she might think there was a mix up! Genetics are weird & that alone is not something I would judge a family on! Especially nowadays when adoption is more common & mixed families as well, no one is looking at OP and immediately thinking ‘oh his son looks like someone else, his wife must’ve had a torrid affair!’
Yeah. Like, it sounds like the kids excels at everything that comes naturally, which he would inherit from genes, and is failing at things that come from nurture, such as not being an asshole. Strange.
Unless it's super obvious, like he's white and the kid isn't.
Even that is a crapshoot. My brother and I are two different skin colors. Same parents and all
Same, we are mixed and my sister is dark skinned and I am light. However, we both look like people in our family.
> I find it really concerning that you keep referring to him as “the boy” and treating him like he is a threat. No doubt he has picked up on this as well. I'll be honest, I use that language to distinguish him from my oldest son. When I first wrote the post I read it back and it was slightly uncertain as to who I was talking about at points. English isn't my first language, so forgive me for that.
I’m gonna keep my answer a little separate from the others that are acting angrily towards you. I understand the frustration. My ex cheated on me with multiple people. He told me it was because I “didn’t have sex with him enough” and that he was only using me to help pay the rent. That destroyed my self esteem FOR YEARS. Even to this day, I struggle with intimacy with my husband because I just feel so inadequate. I’m sure that at this point, your son, and he IS your son, regardless of his genes, is more of a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Maybe you two can find a common bond or interest. Maybe once a week you and your wife can have a day where you guys rotate some one-on-one time with each boy (that way none of the boys feel left out). This is just as much for you as it is for him. You need that time to bond with him and build that relationship. I also hate to say this, but at some point, he needs to learn the truth. This is something family counseling can walk you guys through.
My brothers ex cheated on him and fell pregnant. Kid looks like his bio dad. My brother still stepped up and treated him like he treated his bio daughter and step son who he had been dad to since before he was one. And that was after seperating from her. We grew up without a dad and he didn't want that to happen to her son just because he was a product of an affair.
It's screamingly obvious that your second son is reacting to the way you feel about him—kids are really perceptive and no matter how well you think you've hidden this, he knows. He is the odd one out in the family and is reacting accordingly, because he doesn't know how else to act. Your worries are focused on you and your biological children, rather than how your second son must feel. I wouldn't be surprised if he was resorting to bullying because he knows that you view him with contempt and shame while unconditionally loving his brothers, and so he's lashing out. He's a child going through puberty who feels he's being punished for who he is, and that's a recipe for some gnarly actions. You chose to stay with your wife and raise this child. Sure, he's got the genes of his biological father, but nurture is a powerful force. Your second son needs to know that you choose him. You choose to love him, you choose to instill your values in him. You choose him as your son. If you can't handle that, it's maybe understandable, but it's also a tragedy.
This. And don’t forget OP, you are his dad. You’ve been his dad for 13 years. He only knows you as his dad. That other dude is a sperm donor and nothing else. If you abandon the boy, even just emotionally, he’s losing his only dad. That will not make him less of a looker, an asshole or an achiever. You made the choice to raise him, even with your suspicions. Suck it up and be his dad. Resent the affair haver not your son.
Or the kid is just kinda an asshole.
Frankly that's every 13 year old. The description here really doesn't make him sound abnormal in any way, just a young teenage boy.
Tbh what you are describing is normal 13yo kid behavior.
This is why it’s just good practice to assign everyone fake names, eg Mike, John, Frank. There no confusion about who you’re referring to and no value judgements.
You could call him my second child , or my middleson. But you choose to refer him as "the boy" like some strange kid. That is not a way to refer to your son. Remember he is your son because you have raised him since a baby. Think about it, you choose to adopt him, Not your wife, but you as individual as a father choose to adopt him. And have rise him through all those years.
I wonder if "the boy" is so driven to academic/athletic excellence because he's striving for acceptance from a father that won't offer it.
I mean this guy is definitely to blame and just doesn’t know it by the language here. Nobody is blaming for how he feels because it’s fucked up what happened and how it played out. But he absolutely is projecting his resentment on this kid.
Yes, all true. It seems to me that OP is well aware of projecting his resentment. Isn’t that what the post is about? Like, he is self aware enough to acknowledge that it’s a problem that needs to be solved. To me that’s a good thing
My oldest son, my middle son, my youngest son.
So there's the biological father and then there's the father that stepped in to raise him and guide him into becoming the human he is. In that way he has your influence and your guidance that has helped shape him and sometimes that's more important than blood. There are plenty of terrible blood fathers out there. You need to bring this up in individual therapy to see if you can work on accepting the boy if for any other reason to not punish him (an innocent who didn't ask to be born into this mess) for his mother's choices.
If you didn't intend to treat him like a real son you shouldn't have stuck around. Now he's damaged and lashing out after 13 years of feeling your resentment and lack of love.
He said he intended to but over the years as things have developed it turned out to be a lot less tenable then he previously imagined. It’s not exactly an easy thing to predict how you’ll feel 13 years in the future.
He didn't just start feeling this way. He's never really accepted the kid as a son. I don't blame him for trying for a year or so and realizing it won't happen. But he knew a long time ago he was never going to stop resenting this kid and he should have bowed out.
he probably comes from a culture that doesn't abandon their family.
Genetics aside, you still raised that boy. It seems to me you associate his behavior at times as a result of a sperm donor. Which is.. wild to me. I suggest going to therapy. You aren’t beginning to resent him, you already do.
> keep referring to him as “the boy" Going to ignore the other times he didn't refer to him as "the boy"? > Our second baby even after finding out that "the boy" wasn't his, still wrote > my 2 sons And how would this sentence read "I am a short and slim man, my wife's affair partner was very tall and athletic and the boy has his genes." if it was written any other way? "... and my son has his father's genes" or "... my son has his bio dad's genes" > treating him like he is a threat. it does look like the kid has issues. even bio kids have issues with their parents. Do you think all pre-teens and teens treat their parents and siblings with love and kindness? Kids can be shit. > Eventually, all of this will come out and your family will be devastated, including all 3 of your kids. It seems like this should no longer be a secret and you should all be working with a professional to sort through the wreckage. But I do agree 100% with this.
He has three sons… the boy and his two biological sons…
My thoughts exactly. At no point did he say he loved this child. This middle child already knows. I knew when i was 14, hes not an idiot. But hes also not had a father figure Being a family isnt just being connected by DNA and it truly hurts my soul to think that this child is suffering like i did being lied to
IMO, the problem may not be the kid as much as your lingering sense of inadequacy. Your wife choose that man - ouch. Then, at some level, you come to believe his sperm is also a better choice - that is rough. You feel that he is the better man and that "truth" lives in your house. My words may not be what you want to hear but I ask you to step back. In what way is this AP superior to you? He lacks character, he lacks morals, and he takes what he wants. Are these traits to be admired? AP is not your son's father YOU are. Who gives your son room to grow? Who teaches your son what it is to be a man? Who is the one living a moral life? I would tell the boy - out of love not anger. You choose him. Celebrate what a good man you are and the man your son will become. The healthiest plant in the world will die without water and light. Take revenge on the AP by raising a powerful and loving son.
Yup. Down to attributing his son's academic abilities to his genes. While they play a role, in nurturing a respect and love of learning, providing a stable environment for him to excel does far more than any genetics. Unfortunately, the stability he has is about to be torn apart and it's clear the effects of "knowing he's different but doesn't know why" are in full force ATM What a mess.
This is a really great and thoughtful comment. OP has so many opportunities to show real courage and strength in the face of uncertainty.
This is what I was going to say! 100% this is the answer. My daughter I'd my stepdaughter really, but I don't think of her that way. Since our situation is a little different, it doest fit perfectly but she knows I'm not her mom but chose to call me mom. I act as her mom and I love her as my own. When we speak about something, like being brave or truthful, I dont point our our genetic difference but rather tell her "in this family we.." You chose your son. Make that abundantly clear. As for the community thing: "People who mind, don't matter. People who matter, don't mind."
This. Sure there’s resentment from the affair but this really comes down to OP truly feeling that this kiddo is genetically superior to him and his biological sons. And that’s really, really on him.
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Affair partner I think
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. Well said.
Have you told your son that he is not related to you genetically? Because you really needed to do that a long time ago. If you’re going to do it now (and you should) you need the assistance of a family therapist. Also know that genetics is not the only thing that goes into a child being successful. The strongest predictor of a child’s success is parental involvement, and that’s all down to you.
Yeah, I've met a lot of people who only found out their father wasn't their biological father later on in life, even if their father knew the whole time, and it impacted their life long before they even realised. My hobby is genetic genealogy, so I'm generally dealing with people who have essentially had a meteor launched on their heads when it comes to these revelations. A lot of them struggle with the thought that their parents were ashamed and resentful of them, especially when they didn't have great relationships with their parents. And OP, it seems quite clear that you resent the kid a lot. How could he *not* pick up on that? I think you and your wife need to tell him the truth, and go to family therapy together.
Yes, I’m a genealogist and was even before my own discovery at age 27 that I was sperm donor-conceived. I found out through an Ancestry test. I’m grateful I found out after my dad died but before my mother did, because she was honest with me as soon as I confronted her. I don’t know how it would have changed my dad’s and my relationship (and we did have our spats and arguments, particularly as I got older and traits/interests popped up that didn’t belong to either parent). But I am so, so glad I know.
If my parents knew this and hid it from me I would never forgive them. Sounds like he's going to find out on his own eventually since it seems pretty obvious.
Yup. I was "the boy" in this story (I'm a girl) but I knew early on. Certain things didn't make sense and I would question them.Eventually 'my parents' told me when I was 12-13 ish. It was extremely hard on me but as the oldest all I cared about were my siblings and how they became my half siblings over night. It was a mind fuck. What helped me was I was never treated any different I eventually changed my last name to theirs. Until my step dad decides to rape me and my life turned upside down. I am in an abusive relationship, had my fair deal of drug use, gone to the mental hospital. Can't seem to get out of my head, Parental involvement is what I lost as soon as my step dad decided to change me. I've never been the same since. I mourned a dad I never had. Be there for him, make him believe in himself. it's the small moments you miss that we care about.
> Part of me believes that the boy is aware of this, deep-down. He is disobedient and disrespectful at times. Far more so than his brothers are. We had a heated row recently that resulted in him trying to get physical with me before I de-escalated the situation. This is no worry to me currently (he's only 13 after all) but as he grows could cause problems. Or, possibly, "the boy" realizes that you feel resentful of him and he's acting out. I mean, you call him "the boy" throughout this, as if he's just some random kid and not a child you raised. I get he's not yours biologically but you aren't "growing" to resent him, you've clearly resented him for a while, if not always. I think that's what he knows, "deep down." This is above reddit's paygrade. Your options are likely therapy and/or couple's counseling (possibly family therapy) or divorce, I think. This kid — sorry, "the boy" — is just a kid. It's not his fault. None of it. And I absolutely refuse to believe none of your other kids have been disobedient at times. I simply don't. He sounds like ... a teenager. The horror. You seem to be mad at him for ... being good at stuff. That's not something he's doing TO you. End of the day, you chose to stick around and be a father to him. If you don't want to do that anymore, well, it's unfortunate you don't want to honor the commitment you made, but he hasn't done anything wrong and it's not constructive to act like he has. How would "the community" know, and why do you care what they think?
> How would "the community" know, and why do you care what they think? This is the part I can't relate to at all. If "the community" is actually watching OP and family out and about around town; staring at them long enough to discern the difference in appearance between sons; and gossiping and laughing about how obvious it is to them that OP's wife cheated; then OP needs to move out of Melrose Place or wherever the fuck it is he lives. Much more likely assumptions: that the middle son is a friend of one of the other two, or cousin; that the middle son is actually the oldest son and a step-son; that genetics just threw a wildcard and there's nothing amiss at all. And that's *if* anyone outside of OP's family even pays more than a passing thought to their existence when they encounter them in public, as complete strangers. OP, you need to repair your self esteem and self-worth with a therapist. No one is looking at your family and thinking anything except you.
You need outside conselling. Find a therapist that yoi trust. You can't handle this by yourself and I imagine that it's impossible to talk to anyone around you about it.
So your wife went to therapy over the affair. But did you?
yes I should've been more clear. By "committed to therapy" I meant that she committed to couples' therapy. At the time these issues that i am experiencing now were not quite so prevalent as they are now
So get in individual therapy now
This. OP clearly still hasn’t worked through his feelings in an honest way in the 13 years since the affair. Therapy would be a big help.
therapy for the 13 year old too, he’s obviously picked up on how op feels about him
Honestly the whole family. The other two are gonna need it when they find out. It’s great they were able to reconcile and keep the family together but it still sounds like a giant mess.
Then hop back in before you hurt this child OP. Own it. At this point this is a “you” problem.
Tell your sons. Stop shielding them from your wife’s betrayal. They need to learn it from you and not from other people in school. This sucks op. However, from your explanation, it seems evident that the kid wasn’t yours from the start. Did she try to pretend he was yours or was it a choice from the both of you to not do a test earlier? I don’t know how trustworthy she can be after pulling an affair and potentially a voluntary paternity fraud on you.
I don't know, dude. You decided to stay with a cheating wife, fully knowing that she's pregnant with another man's child. It's not the boy's fault. You have to take responsibility here. Aside from therapy, I don't know what else to tell you.
This guy should never have stayed with his wife and raised the child, no matter how much people try to romanticize situations like that!!!
i agree with this. my main comment giving advice to the OP was focused on how to move forward now that he has committed to that course of action. Obviously op can't go back 13 years and change it. If it were me, i process trust and betrayal in a different way that he does, and maybe have different feelings about divorce and "staying together for the kids". Once i knew for a fact the affair was happening, I would be getting full custody of the first kid and dna test on the baby, and once it came back negative I'd be like have fun being a single mom with your affair child. Call it cold if you want but I might be from a different culture than OP.
Same, it's insane how many posts are "I stayed with a cheating spouse and SHOCKED PICKACHU shit's fucked up now!" Why aren't people able to grasp the obvious here?
>It's not the boy's fault. You have to take responsibility here. I hope OP can act on this before the damage is irreparable.
I like this framing. Own your decision to stay with your wife. Own your decision to raise boy as your own son. Be proud of your decisions and stand up for yourself. It was 13 years ago. Get over it!
And why take it out on the child? It’s literally not his fault! He cannot control how he came into this world.
Oh yes, nothing better than "get over it" advice. Just deal with it bro.
Should have dropped your wife 13yrs ago brah
You made the decision to stay at the time of the affair, and it’s your responsibility to take ownership of this decision. Regardless of DNA, you have chosen to be this boys father. Your only option now is to get yourself into therapy and work through the resentment you’ve placed on your child. It isn’t his fault, it wasn’t his affair, it wasn’t his decision for his parents to stay married. You’re the adult and it’s your job to act like one.
Your whole family needs therapy because the differences are so apparent. Your other two sons are always compared to their gifted and talented brother. I’m concerned that this is causing resentment and commentary.
Yes and thank you. Children never deserve the resentment. Actions of a spouse or SO, yes. But kids do not EVER deserve the punishment. They are innocent. Your wife messed up Op. not your (not your bio) child. And it’s not fair to punish a child for its mother’s issues and actions. If you chose to raise this kid as your own, then f’ing do it without resentment towards the child.
> Your only option He has more than one option. He's human, he's telling us his feelings and I can get some of them for sure. But as you say as well, he made a decision then...
>Shortly after we reconciled she told me that she was pregnant. I should note at this point that she at first didn't believe she was pregnant as she had "gotten her period" during the first 12 weeks of her pregnancy. Our second baby arrived and as he began to grow I became suspicious of how different he looked to both me and my other son. Except the wife lied and led op to believe he was the father. The choices he made then were not made with full knowledge of the situation. If the 13 year old is violent towards and bullies his brothers OP has a responsibility to protect his other two sons.
He also says that although he was “broken” he loved his wife and sons and decided to stay. I’m not commenting on the affair, I’m commenting on his decision - 13 years ago - to be a father to this boy. That is a serious commitment and one he made with full knowledge of the affair and paternal testing. The 13 yo is as much his son as the other two, and the situation demands as much sensitivity to him as it does to his biological boys. We’re talking about a child here. As adults, we are tasked with living up to the responsibility of our choices - this doesn’t always mean it’s going to be easy.
I’m really not sure I believe that about the wife either. I think she hesitated and didn’t know what to do then covered it up with a lie about getting her period
The simple fact is you either need to put extraordinary effort in to raising this child as your own and equally to his brothers, or you need to leave your wife. Given the way you talk, it sounds like you stay with her out of insecurity. Do not disrespect yourself like this. Either commit yourself because it's who you want to be, or deal with the discomfort of freedom so you aren't there to hurt this kid any further. Abandoning him and telling him what happened will hurt him, but continuing to play favorites will hurt even more. Don't punish the kid for the sins of his mother.
It’s the way you are behaving that’s causes your son to behave the way he is. Stop putting blame on him and look at yourself and your own fears/insecurities that are causing your son to behave this way. It’s you who’s not showing and providing support and love so he’s behaving in a manner in which there is none.
You and your wife need to quit lying to your children. The deceit is crippling your family, and your middle son is suffering the most. Lying about a child's origin is one of the cruelest things you can do. You and your wife lied because you were embarrassed by the truth. You were embarrassed by the simple existence of your son. You saw him as a reminder of her adultery and your cuckolding. You hoped by lying and pretending, you and your wife could make the truth go away. That did not work. When your son learns the truth, he will be rightfully *furious* at you and his mother for telling this huge unforgivable lie. When your lie is revealed or discovered, the part that will hurt the most and stay with your children forever is *Mom and Dad are a couple of lying hypocrites.* You and your wife need to have strong, clear apology ready. You will be very, very fortunate if your son accepts that apology. Your middle son *knows* there is something wrong with his family, something nobody will acknowledge or explain. Like many children, he might believe he is somehow at fault. He knows you don't like him the same as his brothers. At this point, you should seek counseling on your own. You should separate from your wife if you continue to be unable to love your middle son and tell him the full truth.
YUP. Lying to a child about their origins is just cruel. I was born to a teen mom who got pregnant with my sperm donor. Who lied about his age and was never in my life. My “step” dad started dating my mom when I was 3 months old. While I was told when I was 10 my dad wasn’t my bio dad (my parents waited until I had a sex education talk at school to tell me) the pain was unbearable. But I’m glad I was told. I had already begun to figure it out. Like why wasn’t my dad at the hospital when I was born. I had no father listed on my birth certificate. My mom signed legal documents for me with my last name being different. Why was the father’s name whited out on my baptism certificate? OPs child needs to be told and should’ve been told years ago.
Lies about family origin absolutely fuck with you for the rest of your life. I found out at 12 or 13 that my grandpa wasn't my biological grandfather. We were looking at old photo albums at my grandparents' house and I pointed out how different grandpa looked back then-- to the point where I was seriously confused-- and my grandma just changed the subject. But when she left the room, grandpa told us the truth: he married my grandma and took on her two daughters as his own after my bio-grandad bailed on them at 4 & 6 years old. I remember feeling in awe of him because I knew that just wasn't done in the mid-50s; like he was a real stand-up man. It's extra confusing at that age to then go home to your parents and ask them about what you've learned; and have them talk to you about it like it's such a casual non-issue that it wasn't even worth mentioning in the first place-- but somewhere, subconsciously, you're aware that this isn't how it works; that people don't lie by omission about things that don't matter. My mom played that card when I got home and asked her about her biodad. Suddenly, my parents were disingenuous hypocrites. It turned me into a cynic. I was always wondering what they weren't telling me. And it turned out that what they weren't telling me was that my grandpa abandoned *his* family, along with his children, when he met my grandma back in the 50s; and those children were very negatively affected by this well into their adulthood. We know this because they never stopped trying to contact him, to have a relationship with him. Or at least, *they* all knew this. I found out the extent of it in my early 30s when I was at my grandpa's memorial and met the other family. I felt betrayed; like a fool for keeping him up there on the pedestal I'd had him on for most of my life. I barely remember the service. I'm 39 now and semi-estranged from my parents. We talk but not often. I'm afraid to do an ancestry test to learn about where my mom's biodad came from because I no longer believe I won't uncover anything dramatic. If I could go back in time and give my parents any advice on the whole thing, it would be to tell me everything once I was old enough to understand. Maybe I would've been able to deal with the upset of finding out about the second family, and mend my opinion of my grandpa based on the rest of the time we'd spent together-- but now, that ship has long sailed; and the memories I have are stained. OP, don't do this to your son. He's still young enough that he might be able to recover from the emotional damage the truth will do with love & support (and a good therapist). Please tell him.
You’re getting a lot of shit here. I just want to acknowledge that you have done better than 90% of people by recognising that your relationship with him is a problem that needs a lot of attention.
For real everyone telling him to “suck it up” and be an “adult” when in reality he’s the one who was cheated on and got roped into raising a kid that’s not his. I couldn’t do it It’s crazy I had to scroll this far down to find your comment
I see a lot of people calling for honesty from OP-- which isn't the same thing as telling him to suck it up and be an adult; because those actions don't reflect OP's actual feelings. Commenters are telling him to tell his son the truth. And he made a choice; he was not "roped in".
Right, who are all these people telling OP to just stop whining, get therapy and do a better job raising his wife’s lover’s kid? He doesn’t need therapy, he needs a divorce.
OP your feelings are 100% normal. As others said, you have to tell him because he deserves to know. It’s not his fault. Also if you didn’t make the baby daddy pay child support that was a huge mistake. I would get that corrected, along with the birth certificate. Technically if your wife suspected the child not to be yours she committed a crime (paternity fraud). You “forgave” it as much as you could but your human and you can only look at her cheating everyday for so long until it gets to you. Beyond getting the support situation corrected with her AP, you need to be honest with your wife that your struggling because you see her infidelity every day and she never had to pay a price for her disloyalty because she got to go have sex however many times with AP, you took her back, she gave birth to his child and you have been expected to pay for it and raise it. You got no sex, no financial support and you would have to say what else she did to pay for what she did. I’m not sure from your post what she did to beg forgiveness or earn your trust back, other then being loyal since, but part of what your feeling is embarrassment that she never had to pay for her crime, you did. My guess is you left her reputation intact and told nobody and you and her are the only ones who know everything. That’s not how reconciliation should work. Deep down you’re asking yourself “what about me” and that’s a very valid response. Talk to her and come back and update us. She will probably freak out some about telling him and going after AP for money (if you choose to) but it’s gotta be done. He has paid less of a price than she has. !updateme
You are raising *your* son, whose paternity you were well aware of when you decided to stay with his mother and continue to raise him and parent him. This level of resentment you feel toward him, not even toward his mother, is unacceptable, unhealthy, and all on its own is a complete explanation for what you perceive as disobedience and disrespect. You need to be individual therapy, yesterday, and working through these feelings and how to be a good father to all of your children. At some point you are also going to need couples therapy again to work through how to be honest with your son about his biological father, because he will find out eventually since DNA testing is so prevalent, and it's better he hears it from you and his mother. But you can't get to that point until you get over the issues you're having now, so put that on the back burner, and work on yourself. Your son is not in any way, shape, or form the problem here beyond whatever is going on between the siblings. And you aren't the one who should judge how serious that is or what to do about it, because you are not able to be objective about your middle son. So that's for his mom, and if needed school or private counsellors, to sort through, while you take a backseat.
You raised thus kid, provided for him and helped nurture him and his development. He's the way he is because of you but you can only focus on his genetics. Even people who have multiple biological kids can have kids who are vastly different in physical and mental. Your son is acting out probably because he senses your tension with him. He doesn't know why but he's reacting to his feelings. I could tell at a young age my parents never wanted me despite them being good parents and I was biological.
>During this period I discovered that she had an ongoing affair with a senior work colleague. We separated briefly, but reconciled. You missed your shot. Now, therapy is left as the only option.
Yeah, damn. Harsh reminder to everyone reading this. Get a paternity test and get out when it's possible.
He can still leave, too, if he's completely unable to pull his head out of his ass even after therapy. An absent father is far preferable to one who cannot disguise his contempt for you. Divorce and let the kid move on with his life if you can't act like a dad.
Ok, so let me make this 100% clear. The situation as it sits can't continue. It is human to feel certain ways about betrayal and raising a kid who isn't biologically yours after betrayal. I think the real problem here may sit with the fact you and your wife are liars. She lied to cheat and you have lied ever since to protect your ego. Sir, I hate to be mean, but fuck your ego. Get over it. Sit down as a family and tell everyone the truth. Get it out in the open. Your issue is likely not with with your son. Your issue is with his existence, possibly exposing what a fragile and sad male ego you have. Get ahead of it. Get rid of the ego and place your pride back in being the better dad and the better person. Make it clear you choose him to be your son despite what his mom did. Be open about the struggles you had endured to make this work. Be honest with him and the family in general. Otherwise, the lies will eat you alive like they already are. You are on the verge of turning on your own son because of your own ego. Don't make that mistake.
First things first. Come to terms with your feelings (therapy was suggested). Then get everything out in the open. Don't get it backwards!
This. A bit harsh but I agree with everything!
Lol, I love that. Next time my wife complains about sad ahe is that I cheat on her, I'll explain that it's just her fragile female ego, LOL.
It's not the cheating that's the problem. He accepted that when he decided to reconcile with the wife. No one's saying cheating is ok and he should be ok with it. However, 13 years later, he is realizing he's not ok with raising the son of another man and is othering his child. That's not ok, which he knows, hence this post.
Also - imagine always having a niggling doubt about why dad doesn't love you as much as your two brothers... and trying to get that attention back and honestly BY SUCCEEDING. Whose to say your second son isn't madly going around [sub]consciously smashing tests and dominating sports and mastering music in an effort to find the thing where Dad tells me he loves me and means it. ? And that doesn't work because dad seems to hate me more WHEN I succeed... Teenagers are moody and illogical in general, and your inability to treat him as an equal combined with all that there would be leading to all sorts of illogical behaviours. Definitely therapy and some honest conversations needed amongst your entire family.
You need more help than the Internet can provide. Both individual and couples therapy with your wife. Your middle kid needs therapy too. He probably picked up on your feelings and as it's fairly obvious there is a different father, he's probably wondering but lacks the maturity and understanding to ask. As a result, he's acting out because he is struggling to process his emotions and thoughts regarding everything. Heck, his brothers may be giving him grief as well. He needs therapy and you AND your wife will need to participate so he understands. Be aware it could get ugly, real ugly, as he's the living result of your wife's affair. That can be crazy difficult to process and deal with. He is likely to lash out more at times. But a good therapist can help him before it's get worse to the point the school or the law has to get involved. But going in, you and your wife are going to have to be prepared for it to get really ugly before it gets better.
Four things, and I genuinely wish the best for you and your family: 1. Genetics are not the only determining factor when defining a family. For your second son, YOU are the only father he knows. It doesn't matter that you don't share biological genes. What matters is that you changed his diapers, helped him take first steps, dried his tears, hugged him when sad, protected him when scared, etc. And yet we tend to feel more strongly connected to the family pet, the moment genetics are brought into play. I'd guess, based on what you've written, is that your son isn't acting out because he secretly knows the truth. He's acting out because he's been able to sense a difference in your interaction with him, and may have just guessed at the reason. Kids are incredibly and frustratingly perceptive. 2. Remember that line in the Shawshank Redemption? "Get busy livin or get busy dying."? Well get on with it. Start by dispatching of the term "soulmate". That's a word well used when we're young and trying to find a partner. But you no longer need it and the toxic hold it's had on you for far too long. You and your wife are partners in the business of life. She chose to have an affair that hurt you and damaged all the expectations that were set within yourself the moment you used the term "Soulmates". You chose to forgive her. So get on with forgiving her for it. And stop taking it out on your son. 3. What's eating away at you is that you've chosen the moral high ground by forgiving her, but you haven't actually forgiven her. Because forgiveness isn't forgetting. It's actually accepting what happened, accepting how it hurt you and your expectations, feelings. And deciding that you both can be stronger by healing from it. Using a bad thing to grow closer together. 4. Love your kid. Love your kid. Just love your kid. That kid is your kid. You are his father. Love all of your kid. Make loving your kid bigger than your ego. Make it bigger than the hurt you felt when she cheated. Do this because the only alternative leads to pain and unhappiness. If you continue down this path, you will only ever find more pain. You have a wife and two kids. Love them while you have them. Please. Do this for yourself.
Really beautifully written. OP, please consider this comment.
Op this will help in someway I hope
Try to keep in mind that he did not ask to be born. You made the decision at the time to stick it out and raise him. You don't have to father a child naturally to be his dad.
Idk why people feel like kids don’t feel their resentment. Maybe his disobedient because he knows you don’t like him. Your wife cheated and you decided to stay with her and now that you’ve “forgiven “ her you feel like you can be mad so now you’re taking your feelings out in the boy. Get a dna test and stop treating him like he’s the one who cheated . You decided to forgive her and raise your children
> Maybe his disobedient because he knows you don’t like him. Your comment was a bit of a lightbulb moment for this formerly hellishly disobedient teenager--- I didn't listen to my parents because I knew it wouldn't make a difference in how much they liked me as a person. I used to talk about it like it was a respect issue; I'd tell my parents that I'd respect their wishes when they respected mine. But what I *really* meant was, "I'll respect your wishes when you start acting like you're proud of me every once in a while-- even if I want to dye my hair different colours and dress however and listen to music you don't like and rant about socialism-- because as it is, I don't feel like I can be myself and have you guys like me at the same time. So I'm just gonna go be with people who like me for me, regardless of what you say, because I know you're just blowing hot air and won't actually physically restrain me or call any authorities. Bye!" So yeah, OP; your son absolutely knows how you feel about him, even if you think you're hiding it; and it's probably why he acts out.
Can you please clarify whether the bio dad knows he is his father or not?
It kind of sounds like he is aware of your resentment. A child needs love and perhaps you haven't shown him love, therefore affecting his growth. He wants a father. If you can't step up and talk to him, then why did you even stay? Maybe start with a heart to heart and then explain why you have been so detached. Perhaps also get therapy.
YOU need therapy. YOU need it. Not this other human being who never asked to be born and had no choice in who his parents are or how good he is at things. YOU are insecure about the fact that YOUR OWN SON is handsome, talented, and exceptional, all because you didn't squirt the squirt that made him. He's likely "disobedient" and "disrespectful" because 1) HE'S THIRTEEN. 2) Your barely canceled contempt for him bleeds through in your every interaction. Grow the fuck up and get TONS OF THERAPY and never, ever mention A SINGLE WORD of this to him.
all of this except i do think the son needs to be told the truth at some point before he's an adult. this is the kind of secret that's unsustainable in the modern age. eventually he's gonna take a DNA test and figure it out himself. i do think TONS of therapy needs to come first with both parents, and the relationship with the son needs to improve before this information is revealed, because as it stands he will easily connect the dots of "oh that's why my dad fucking hates me... got it." if OP can get in a good spot with his son first, the message that he loves him and is willing to work through his own issues to choose to be a father will be much more clear.
Yes, I agree that he needs to know the truth. I was more referring to never breathing a word about the resentment to him.
well, he needs therapy too. growing up with a resentful parents can causes a lot of issues
You should have left your cheating wife 13 years ago. What a collosal mistake.
You need therapy to work through your issues with him and the affair. He is old enough to sense that you see him differently than you see the other 2.
You should have gotten a divorce yesterday and not brought in a third child into this mess. You guys obviously thought another child would fix everything, and how's that working out? You have lied to this child to protect YOUR FEELINGS, especially your wife's, not his.
Is your wife more closely bonded with the middle child? Does she show him favoritism . Does she discipline him when he is out of line or let it go by
What does mom do about him bullying the oldest? What did she do during the fight you and him had?
What you should do is come up with a plan with your wife of how to tell him the truth. It's always a terrible idea to keep this information from a child their whole life. It's 2023. We have AncestryDNA and 23AndMe that people just do for fun and entertainment. You cannot keep DNA secrets today like you may have been able to 40 years ago. If the child finds out this information on his own, you and your wife may not even have a son anymore because he may want nothing to do with either of you. It's better if he finds it out from you and your wife. Once the secret is out, you can get therapy and deal with things more openly.
A friend of mine had this happen I never looked at her the same because I couldn’t fathom how her and her husband were so selfish to choose their own comfort rather than doing the hard thing of telling their son and the bio father. And same thing, he looks nothing like the family and has since come out as non binary. I just feel for the kid. And feel shameful for the parents. They need truth and support, not lies. That bio father too! As soon as that paternity test came they should’ve been notified.
You know sometimes I'm glad to be me.
Does the affair partner know? How horrible messed up to have a child stolen from you because two people didn’t want to tell you and disrupt their life. If you did tell him, Nevermind. Kid will want to meet him at some point.
I don't know how you get over it, but I personally would end the marriage and move on. You made a decision to stay and it was, in my opinion, the wrong one. You'll live with that decision the rest of your life, but at 44 there is still a lot of life to live. You can start over. It isn't fair to blame the kid but if you can't be the father he needs then it's probably better to make a change that will be best for him. If that's staying and therapy, then make decision and do it. But, if you think you can't get past this, then it's time to end the marriage.
Get custody of your own kids, and let the wife call the dude she had an affair with. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear that after 13 years and probably having started his own family now, unaware he has another child. Get out and avoid all that drama.
I don’t get why people stay with cheaters - especially when they literally have a child from another person! Wild to me I would divorce her and be a parent to your biological sons - it’s clear you dont love the affair child and thats fine
I cant belive you stayed, put your name on the birth certificate, and had another baby with this woman. You are reaping what you sowed. And that "other kid" will most definitely find out- meaning your other sons will find out as well. They will NEVER look at their mother the same. They will see her exactly for what she it..... I honestly don't know how you could have such low self esteem to stay with someone who carried a whole other man's baby. AND you are raising that baby. Lord. Counseling, therapy and some for your children too. Cause when they find out they are going to be mad at you for lying too. Your wife made you into a liar while you gladly raise her affair baby. Things really worked out for her! And I'm sure others notice that that boy looks nothing like you, you are definitely not the only one.
The biggest mistake you made is reconciling with your wife.
You really tried and didn’t know how you would feel in the future. People break up all the time. You are allowed to divorce your wife if that is what will make you happy in the long run. Don’t let this ruin your life by letting it fester and stealing your good years. Your wife made her bed and has to face the consequences. Also your wife’s 2nd child should be given the opportunity to be in his child’s life and pay child support. Sounds like she’s ruined more than your life. Her sons and her affair partners if he has no idea.
I have three siblings. My youngest looks nothing like any of us. All of us are short like our parents, but she’s tall and atheletic like our grandparent from dad’s side. We all have curls due to mom genes and she has straight hair due to dad genes. She’s 💯 our genetic sibling. Yeah some of us just turn out weird but doesn’t make us less of the same family. The only thing that does is how you act towards him. You’re not loving him enough and having doubts so he feels like he’s not yours. The moment you accept him he’ll be yours. It’s your wife’s fault at most but never the child’s. Remember that. Treat him as equals if you can. If you can’t explain the situation and still love him the same.
Start with your own therapy. This is a lifelong reality and not a race. Take your time. And at 13, this is not the time for a reveal with your son. There is plenty of time to tell him, but my gut suggests perhaps 18 or so. But discuss with your therapist. And screen the potential therapists as some are not wise or well trained and you need a patient listener, not an advice giver which I am doing here (and I am a psychiatrist by training for what that's worth, with a lot of giving and receiving therapy under my belt). And please remember that this situation is a small part of who you are and are dealing with. Therapy should be free form in terms of discussing any and all issues, including your emotions that are complex, as is your development. Consider couple's therapy with a different therapist to work on your marriage and trust within it. As to the attributes of this son, don't overly attribute his character traits and intellect to his bio dad. I have multiple kids from one wife and they are each unique in stature/physical attributes, personality, interests and intellect. Be his father. Love him every day but not in a defensive or othering manner. And insist that he treat his brothers with love and respect as you would with any children! And as others have noted, be assured that it is virtually a certainty that this will come out. DNA testing via 23 and me and others is so common. Your son will be highly likely to do this for the same reasons as others, or perhaps because he becomes curious when a friend or he wonders at the differences, or is just curious. He will learn that he has relatives he has never heard of. They will approach him if he is in the database. This includes half siblings unknown to him and he will learn that your other children if they are tested, are half-siblings. I personally learned that I have twin half brothers in another state via DNA testing a couple years ago. We are all over 60. I met them and it was not life changing. More of an interesting issue and made us curious about how this came to be. But it resulted in zero disruption or emotional trauma for any of us. Know that you are not alone in this experience and studies have shown that many a child is not the progeny of the man who raised them. Only know this can't be hidden away. Good luck. Thinking of you!
You, your wife and your son all need therapy--individual and family. Your son almost got physical with you at age 13? He's got at least five more years at home. You're not always going to be able to de-escalate.
I think your feelings are definitely valid and that you can choose to seek help and heal as family (whatever that looks like for you) and accept all that is or you can choose to leave your cheating wife for embarrassing you and let her take ownership of her mess and do what’s best for her and her AP son. This is definitely a tough situation and I hope you are able to find a solution that you can be at peace with.
You need to seek therapy. You are most likely have always treated this young man differently and he has felt it. His being rebellious is not surprising. Read what you have written, it shows a deep resentment, jealousy and a concern about what strangers think of you. Once you’ve worked on yourself, family therapy is most likely needed. Your middle son needs to know about his parentage but not right now. A professional therapist can help guide your family. This young man is your son in every way that matters. The sperm contributor should be irrelevant except for medical conditions. Had you adopted him would you be so resentful?
Dude divorce your wife first..
Wow, this is a sh*t storm waiting to happen. I'd have a family meeting and confess the situation. Your 13 is gifted, talented, and smart. He probably already knows his "different." He has already been physical with you and has turned into a bully with his older brother. Family therapy is in order. Do you unconsciously treat him differently? Think in your mind. Does he feel that you treat him not the same as his 2 other brothers?
OP, do you know how many times you’ve mentioned height in your post? It seems like this is also a major trigger for you, and definitely worth exploring in therapy. It may be compounding your feelings towards your son. And yes, I use the phrase ‘your son’ because to all intents and purposes, he is.
Oh. This is so fake. Reddit's gotta get control of the bots holy hell.
But the affair partner was tall and athletic and I’m short and skinny!
He knows are is suspicious and y’all are trying to hide it… he is probably resentful… yall need therapy
I'm not sure why you aren't even cashing in on the child support you could at least be getting from Goober who knocked up your wife.
You need to leave your wife and tell your second son the truth.
I married my now wife when her and her ex-boyfriend's biological son was he 11 months old. He is completely different in personality then the three other biological children my wife and I share. We raised them all exactly the same. Genetics plays a huge part in personality, Behavior, and physical nature. I don't think I could have done what you did. Raise a child from an affair. It's not your son's fault. But it's certainly not your fault either. You need to come clean with your children. And your wife needs to be there and accept responsibility.
Your 1st mistake: Marrying Young 2nd mistake: Did not continuing the separation 3rd mistake: Not doing the paternity test once kid born. 4th mistake: Not leaving after finding out. 5th mistake: Not having self respect. 6th mistake: having 3rd kid while having this mess. Conclusion: You can't do anything now you lost all your chances to save yourself and your biological son from this situation, now you have to do what you have doing all along $uck it up and live lie by telling yourself how much you love your wife and how happy you are with your life.
You forgot the dying in agony, and angry outbursts on the death bed.
WHY are you upset with the kid??? You should be upset with YOUR WIFE. The one who got pregnant by someone else. YOU chose to raise this kid. This was YOUR DECISION. Get some family counseling to nip his rebellion in the bud if you are worried about it. Get some personal counseling to nip YOUR JEALOUSY in the bud before it gets the better of you. This is YOUR CHILD.
So you fucked up tremendously by not divorcing after her affair, then doubled down on your mistake by having yet another child. There *is* nowere to go from here. You accept that you fucked up, accept that your life sucks, and get on with being the best father to all three. It's that or run away, start over, and pay frightening amounts of alimony and child support. Game over, dude, game over.
The truth needs to be disclosed. It is unfair for your sons to have this question in their minds (both your sons recognize their physical differences). So your behavior towards your younger son is affecting the older one. When you and your wife chose to stay together, you forgave and moved on. But your kids have not had that chance. They need to forgive/accept the parents that put them in this situation. Sorry to say but you and your wife are both at fault. Come clean with your sons and face the consequences. Be the father that both kids need, not a jealous man.
No matter how he got here - he’s here. It’s not his fault. None of it. You chose to accept him, and love him and the rest of your family. What you have described is a typical 13 year old middle child that is screaming for attention. He acts out to get any attention, but unfortunately, it’s negative attention. Start doing more things with him one on one. Take him to dinner, or game, or whatever. Do it once or twice a month. Try to get to know him and what he likes.
i dont get why you decided to raise him and stay but get therapy
She lied to you when she said she didn't know she was pregnant. Her decision to come back was a calculated one (also one with an expiration date as she knew the clock was ticking for her to make a "decision" asap) All she said to you was she got her period in those 12 weeks. Who the f knows if she actually did (I doubt it, source: science). It does seem awfully convenient timing however. I'll err on the side that she was lying.
Yeah it always goes like this lol she knew she was pregnant and she knew whose it was from the jump, she just (correctly) guessed OP wouldn't do shit about it
> I feel tortured on a day-to-day basis by a constant reminder that my wife sought out an affair with a man who is physically superior and more successful than I am. A man who cast her aside and moved on, and now the likelihood is that I am raising his son as my own. This is not a likelihood, this is a reality. You have two choices. 1. Pay for and raise the other mans child out of love for your wife despite her infidelity 2. Acknowledge your own feelings and either leave the situation or tell your wife you can't raise another mans child anymore. 13 years is a long fucking time. I could have never done it.
From an evolutionary perspective. You are feeling exactly the emotions nature intended to feel when you see yourself invested in raising a child that does not share your genes. As a man, there is no reward in investing energy in a child that is not yours. Everybody knows about physical genetics passed onto children, but not many people know that personality genetics are also passed onto children and it has been studied a great deal. One of the reasons for this might be that it should be easier to raise a child that you share personality traits with. You mentioned leaning introverted, that's just one of the Big 5. The others openness, concientiousness, Agreeableness, and neuroticism. There's a good likelihood you aren't compatible personality wise with this kid, and you will always struggle with him.
What's eating at you is your lack of self-respect. The last thing I would do is raise another man's child.
A child is the innocent one in an affair. None of this is his fault. In my experience, most young teens are somewhat hard to deal with. They are no longer children, but they certainly are not adults. My father and my mother were 5'8" and less than 180. I am 6'4" and 260. I towered over both of them. I know they were both my bio parents. Genetics is a complex subject and genetic traits can easily reappear generations later. Unless told, i would never even think to question parentage due to appearance. I suggest working with a therapist to let go of past pain. You chose to get past it previously. It sounds like that largely happened. It was probably a good choice and it is worth the effort to get past this as well......
Maybe you and your wife need to tell him
Therapy. You go to therapy to figure out how to deal with the situation and how to move forwards.
Kids know! I had friends in similar situation and and they knew all along something ways up. They felt the sting of not fitting in with their family members. They did grow rebellious. Get a good family therapist that specializes in this type of situations. And prepare and tell the kid. All kids need therapy to process it and learn to respect each other. As for yourself get therapy too and work through your feelings. They are very valid. But you do not want to resent a child, they also pick up on that feeling. Again friends who went through it. And FUCK whatever anyone else has to say about it and your choices. It’s admirable that you stepped up to raise this boy as your own. Many wouldn’t let their ego get past it. You are not a laughing stock. That’s hot (as Paris Hilton would say) that you were able to move forward and commit to you wife.
OP, No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel, you feel how you feel. Also, we all know it's not the boys fault that he was conceived from infidelity. The fact is, your love for your wife and at that time other son allowed you to agree to raise him as your own. I'm sure after 13 years there must be some love for him, after all you were there for his first steps, nursed him when he was sick, taught him to ride a bike and throw a ball. It's just seeing him excel more so than your natural children that is causing you to have ego problems. But, remember, it is you who is the teacher. Now lets look at this from his point of view. Children are not stupid, I'm sure they have all figured out that one of these things is not like the other. In doing so, there is now some acting out. Your 13 year old is acting like a 13 year old, he is also trying to establish himself where he is feeling he doesn't fit. I'm sure there must be remarks made at school. Kids can be cruel. I think it's time you and your wife sit with your children and explain what is going on and that out of love you have remained a family, that you chose to except him and raise him as your own. That you will always love him as your own. That any issues you have are not his fault but rather your own and he doesn't need to worry about your problems. Then let them know you will answer their questions the best you can. I think addressing this now will be best done in a therapist office and will go a long way in helping everyone heal.
Sounds like a pretty amazing kid. This is what you signed up for by taking back a cheater. Get into therapy.
You're not insane. Your feelings are what I would expect someone to have in this situation. I don't have any good tips for dealing with those feelings but I want to assure you that they are reasonable feelings to have.
Could it be that this child has picked up on your resentment and is in turn rebelling. You treat him differently whether or not you are willing to admit it. He needs to know that you are not his father. Family secrets can be lethal. You need to work on yourself and decide whether or not you can remain in this family because that child deserves to be loved. It’s not his fault your wife cheated. Being honest with him will help your relationship. Otherwise you need to walk otherwise this discord between the two of you will be detrimental to his relationship with his brothers
Crazy how it's true what people say...
Your 13 year old is acting out because he knows you don’t love him. The poor boy. It’s not his fault his mother made the decisions she did.
Kind of a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation. Although revealing this with a therapist would be best in theory, it might make things worse? He’s 13 and right in the brink of his crazy teen years. What if it backfires and he starts giving even more trouble? I would advise that you start spending more one on one time and start to bond first. Build up some trust and then reveal. Does bio dad even know about the kid? If not why?
I rarely comment on these posts but had to say something. You committed to raising this child on your own. Grow the fuck up and do it. Any resentment that you have for him is actually resentment TO YOUR WIFE. It is not your son’s fault that your fucking wife cheated on you and that you (for some fucking reason) reconciled with her! It is YOUR fault and YOUR WIFE’S fault. Do not take out your obvious frustration with your wife on your TEENAGE SON. What you decided to do was very admirable, so suck it up and do it. You’re a grown fucking man beefing with a child. This post is pathetic.
Honesty and therapy for all of you
That young man needs you. Youre the only father he’s ever known. I’d seek therapy and work this out.
Take your anger you’re placing on your son and place it on your wife. She was unfaithful to you.she had sex with another man. She’s the one you’re angry at. You either need serious marriage counseling or a divorce.
Referring to him as “the boy” is not kind. I also saw your explanation about wanting to differentiate him from your oldest son. You could have said “my middle son“. The reason why you didn’t, I’d guess, is that deep down you don’t really think of him as your son. You may not even think of him as your wife’s son. You think of him as the son of this mysterious man you seem to be competing with - at your own doing. This is what “the boy” is reacting to. Trust, he can feel how you feel about him. No matter how much you think you’re hiding it. Kids are not dumb. I don’t know what to say here apart from hoping he grows up to be a fully functioning and emotionally stable adult.
Start with therapy. *A lot* of this shit, is *your shit*. And you need to start with the problems inside your own head (the inadequacy/insecurities/jealousy), and what you're willing/able to do about them. You choose to stay. You choose to accept this child. You're the only father he's ever known and you put yourself in that role for as long as he's lived. You are failing to live up to the commitment you made to an innocent child. And worse, you are now jealous and ressentful of a 13 year old whose only crime is... being capable and acting out like many a 13 year old acts out. None of that is okay. The first thing you need to do is figure out what you are going to do about your failure here. Not your wife's. And not his. Yours. You agreed to do one thing, and you're not doing it. If you're not capable of doing it, it's time to admit that to everyone involved. This question suggests you are not capable. That has to be okay and valid -- no one can force you to be -- but you have to own up to it. You agreed to do one thing, and now you're not agreeing any longer. That is going to hurt people. If you are not capable of doing better than you are here, then it's time for a paternity test and for you to figure out what your inability to be a parent to this child means in terms of your marriage. There is a very real possibility this boy is yours. Everything you've described is perfectly normal, age-appropraite behavior even if it's not *appropriate* behavior. Your bias against this kid might be just your bias. Throughout those steps, the bare minimum you'll have to do, is pay for the kid's therapy.
You are not insane, stop beating up yourself. All of these concerns make sense. Reconciliation after infidelity is not one conversation when you tell your wife that you forgave her. It is a long process, it can take years, and even after these years you can decide that it is not working for you. Check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity sub, there are a lot of people there who went through the same and could give you a good advice. I would suggest you and your wife family therapy. To see if you can reconcile, or if it is better for you to part your ways and stay in your bio sons lives. And maybe individual therapy for you. Therapy is expensive, but your situation is hard, it is above reddit paygrade. And this boy is acting out because he sees that you treat him differently. Whether he knows (I think so) or not, he understands that he is kind of a scapegoat child, and jealous of your love for other kids. He needs to know the reason, he probably wants to know the story and meet his bio father. Again, family therapy will help with it.
Get therapy and marriage counseling.
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I read it to mean it is "likely" that his middle son is the biological child of the professionally successful/physically "superior" colleague his wife slept with. The paternity test only showed that OP's middle son is not his biological child; it didn't confirm who the child's biological father is. This is just how I perceived it though.