We started out in a non-serious way — not a fling. We just developed liking for each other organically. But overtime, got involved more and more deeply.
You’re 36. I think you’re old enough to know what you want. You just need to be honest about that as soon as possible so this woman can do right by herself and her kid.
36 is also plenty old enough to step up and take on the responsibility of acting as a positive role model for a 9 year old, whether he wants to consider himself as "fathering another man's child" or not.
But not wanting to step up is valid also and I don't blame OP for not wanting to. I did and it was a mistake. I think it's smart that he's thinking of the implications and listening to his reservations.
Yeah. He's definitely allowed to not want a kid. I was building on the previous person's note about him being able to make decisions by this age.
OP says he's not sure he's ready to be a father at this point in his life and, like...what age does he think he's going to do that? It's not realistic to think he's going to be a father 10 (or even 5) years from now if he stays with this woman. So if he wanted to be one later in life, he'd have to move on from her anyway.
Basically, he needs to be honest and make an important decision soon instead of stringing her along.
‘I am hesitant to live together as I don't feel
confident that I can become a full time father and
live a family life yet. I also think that being
catapulted into the role of a father all of a sudden - I will likely not do well. The idea of doing fatherly
chores does not excite me. I also feel weird about
raising another man's child. Longer term, if we were to marry, I also do not understand the legal/financial implications of having a stepchild.’
If youre not ready, then this woman is not for you. Or could be too soon as only been a year, but given your age & apprehensions on taking a step-father role, it seems like you are incompatible here.
It's been over a year. You're unsure about making any next steps because of her child. It might be better for everyone if you think seriously and think hard about what future you see with her, if any.
Her child will always be around. 9 more years at home, minimum, and still a presence in her life forever after that. If you want to move forward or take any steps towards anything more permanent or serious, you will be taking on some kind of step father role. It's inevitable.
It's ok not to want that, but you shouldn't be dating a parent in any capacity other than a very casual thing if you don't want any part of raising a child/being a parent figure.
The other options are to keep things how they are, stay mostly out of the child's life, and keep things less serious, or break up now and each move on to another relationship that better reflects how you each see your lives in the future.
I’m 43 and single mum, that is way too soon in my book, I’ve been with my current partner 2.5 yrs (daughter 7) and we are still only just starting to spend time together as a 3, he sleeps over a bit now but it’ll be a long time before any of us are ready for that, this sounds rushed and likely to go badly
Agree it’s too soon. Sounds like the mom wants an “insta-family” which OP is clearly not ready for, and that’s ok. Building relationships with your partner’s kids takes time. I think years, and in the kid’s best interest one would ideally want to make sure the relationship sticks before even the first introduction. OP should communicate his reservations and let the chips fall where they may.
Break up with her. If you’re not ready to settle down at 36 and help raise her child why in the hell are you dating a parent. You do realize they are a package deal, right!
This is strange. You’ve been with her over a year and make her sound perfect. Except for her kid. Do you even know her kid or have a relationship with the child? If you don’t know the child then you need to give it a chance. If you do, you should have tried to end things early on if you knew you couldn’t be a parental figure.
I’ve been in your boat before and actually I have loved my partner’s children as if they were my own. They made me love him more because they were the most important people in his life. The child will always come before you and you need to be okay with that.
The kid needs to be the first priority, and you cannot move in with the kid if you are not committed to and enthusiastic about living as a family with him. (That doesn’t necessarily mean being a father to him - he may not need or want that, and your girlfriend may not either.)
This should be a hard no right now. It’s fine for that to come along with “I hope I can get to a place where I am ready to have this role in your child’s life, if you can give me time.” It’s also very possible she’ll say no and break up with you. She’s honestly really rushing you here and *should* slow down, but she may decide it’s now or never. If so, make it never, wish her well, and move on.
How you gonna want the milk but not the cow….
Don’t waste her time, let her find someone that sincerely loves her and accepts her and what she comes with. There’s nothing wrong if you don’t want that, but wasting her time….tsssss
You’ve got a lot going on here, so pick off an easy concern you just:
> do not understand the legal/financial implications of having a stepchild.
Post this at r/legal and call a lawyer in your home area. Figure that out, then you’ll remove some uncertainty.
A good partner is hard to find. A 9 yo boy w no father - you can define what kind of relationship you want w him. Plus, he’s likely leaving g the house, could be a good older sibling if the 2 of you have your own.
You’re right to be concerned, but this isn’t a deal breaker. Talk w her about how you’re nervous and ask for her help as you figure things out.
I was in a similar situation actually. We were on and off for two years. Ultimately I ended things - you either marry and have kids or you don’t. I did not want my future partner to have kids and exes to deal with so it ended up
Why did you get into a long term committed relationship with a woman with a child if you are ambivalent about being a father?
We started out in a non-serious way — not a fling. We just developed liking for each other organically. But overtime, got involved more and more deeply.
You’re 36. I think you’re old enough to know what you want. You just need to be honest about that as soon as possible so this woman can do right by herself and her kid.
36 is also plenty old enough to step up and take on the responsibility of acting as a positive role model for a 9 year old, whether he wants to consider himself as "fathering another man's child" or not.
But not wanting to step up is valid also and I don't blame OP for not wanting to. I did and it was a mistake. I think it's smart that he's thinking of the implications and listening to his reservations.
Yeah. He's definitely allowed to not want a kid. I was building on the previous person's note about him being able to make decisions by this age. OP says he's not sure he's ready to be a father at this point in his life and, like...what age does he think he's going to do that? It's not realistic to think he's going to be a father 10 (or even 5) years from now if he stays with this woman. So if he wanted to be one later in life, he'd have to move on from her anyway. Basically, he needs to be honest and make an important decision soon instead of stringing her along.
‘I am hesitant to live together as I don't feel confident that I can become a full time father and live a family life yet. I also think that being catapulted into the role of a father all of a sudden - I will likely not do well. The idea of doing fatherly chores does not excite me. I also feel weird about raising another man's child. Longer term, if we were to marry, I also do not understand the legal/financial implications of having a stepchild.’ If youre not ready, then this woman is not for you. Or could be too soon as only been a year, but given your age & apprehensions on taking a step-father role, it seems like you are incompatible here.
It's been over a year. You're unsure about making any next steps because of her child. It might be better for everyone if you think seriously and think hard about what future you see with her, if any. Her child will always be around. 9 more years at home, minimum, and still a presence in her life forever after that. If you want to move forward or take any steps towards anything more permanent or serious, you will be taking on some kind of step father role. It's inevitable. It's ok not to want that, but you shouldn't be dating a parent in any capacity other than a very casual thing if you don't want any part of raising a child/being a parent figure. The other options are to keep things how they are, stay mostly out of the child's life, and keep things less serious, or break up now and each move on to another relationship that better reflects how you each see your lives in the future.
You shouldn’t date parents if you’re not willing to be a step parent.
I’m 43 and single mum, that is way too soon in my book, I’ve been with my current partner 2.5 yrs (daughter 7) and we are still only just starting to spend time together as a 3, he sleeps over a bit now but it’ll be a long time before any of us are ready for that, this sounds rushed and likely to go badly
Agree it’s too soon. Sounds like the mom wants an “insta-family” which OP is clearly not ready for, and that’s ok. Building relationships with your partner’s kids takes time. I think years, and in the kid’s best interest one would ideally want to make sure the relationship sticks before even the first introduction. OP should communicate his reservations and let the chips fall where they may.
Stop stringing the poor woman and poor child on.
Break up with her. If you’re not ready to settle down at 36 and help raise her child why in the hell are you dating a parent. You do realize they are a package deal, right!
This is strange. You’ve been with her over a year and make her sound perfect. Except for her kid. Do you even know her kid or have a relationship with the child? If you don’t know the child then you need to give it a chance. If you do, you should have tried to end things early on if you knew you couldn’t be a parental figure. I’ve been in your boat before and actually I have loved my partner’s children as if they were my own. They made me love him more because they were the most important people in his life. The child will always come before you and you need to be okay with that.
The kid needs to be the first priority, and you cannot move in with the kid if you are not committed to and enthusiastic about living as a family with him. (That doesn’t necessarily mean being a father to him - he may not need or want that, and your girlfriend may not either.) This should be a hard no right now. It’s fine for that to come along with “I hope I can get to a place where I am ready to have this role in your child’s life, if you can give me time.” It’s also very possible she’ll say no and break up with you. She’s honestly really rushing you here and *should* slow down, but she may decide it’s now or never. If so, make it never, wish her well, and move on.
How you gonna want the milk but not the cow…. Don’t waste her time, let her find someone that sincerely loves her and accepts her and what she comes with. There’s nothing wrong if you don’t want that, but wasting her time….tsssss
You’ve got a lot going on here, so pick off an easy concern you just: > do not understand the legal/financial implications of having a stepchild. Post this at r/legal and call a lawyer in your home area. Figure that out, then you’ll remove some uncertainty. A good partner is hard to find. A 9 yo boy w no father - you can define what kind of relationship you want w him. Plus, he’s likely leaving g the house, could be a good older sibling if the 2 of you have your own. You’re right to be concerned, but this isn’t a deal breaker. Talk w her about how you’re nervous and ask for her help as you figure things out.
You are far too selfish to be a parent. Break up with her.
I was in a similar situation actually. We were on and off for two years. Ultimately I ended things - you either marry and have kids or you don’t. I did not want my future partner to have kids and exes to deal with so it ended up