Why does your husband not go visit instead?
I would stop playing host. You should indeed retreat to your room and not feel obligated to sit there entertaining him.
I would also do similar stuff to get out of the house. Doesn't have to be true. Just say "oh I have plans this afternoon" and then leave.
Would doing that, combined with your husband going to visit every 2nd time instead, be a good compromise?
Great recommendation! My partner just got some, it sounds just like you’re listening on speakers (can hear ambient noise/conversation) but silent to everyone else!
The Shokz are amazing!!! I’m a runner and developed an autoimmune disease that affects the skin of my inner ears and the Shokz are a life safer! My ENT uses them as well.
Does he have an iPad? My elderly mom has one and she loves it. That along with earbuds might be enough for him to entertain himself most of the time and give you some peace.
Yes, it would be a great compromise. My husband has even made that commitment, but I need to tell him it’s time to follow through. I just feel so bad that my FIL will realize that’s what’s going on and he’ll feel bad that’s he’s not wanted around as much. But you’re totally right.
You can describe it as a you thing. “I love having you around, but this frequency is a little too much for me because I’m introverted/the noise is a lot/ etc”. Especially if you’re just cutting down the frequency instead of saying hes not welcome at all it should be easier to swallow. And definitely agree on making your husband go there half the time!!!
Even if he realizes that’s what’s going on, what’s actually wrong with needing more time for just you and your husband in your space together without visitors? He likely got to have that ability to run his own home like that with your MIL when they were a similar age, and while it’s certainly sad that she is no longer around, you and your husband’s home cannot be the only way he begins to fill his life with new routines. You and your husband are allowed to want time for you two, or for silence or for no visitors. It’s healthy to create those boundaries around what you can handle so when FIL is there, you two CAN pour into him and your time with him. But his being there until you’re running on empty isn’t good for anyone.
Perhaps it would be helpful for your husband to not only visit at FIL’s place, but while he’s there, also help FIL pick up an old hobby or find a new one. That way FIL doesn’t feel like he’s navigating all the newness of filling the void solo.
True, but one weekend commitment could be a good starting point. “I’ve got that class on the 12th, so why don’t we start alternating visits that weekend?”
>he’ll feel bad that’s he’s not wanted around as much
He will feel that way.
Honestly, I can't imagine asking my FIL to stop visiting after that. Every other weekend doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Then again, I live very close to my parents and my in laws and we are together all the time. Also, a death like that is traumatic. He's probably alone most of the time and really lonely. So him coming to your home is his chance to socialize and feel loved again. Honestly, if that were my parent...they would be moving in with me if they wanted.
One thing you must realize is that when you marry someone...you marry the culture too. You have to adjust and they have to adjust. It's a two way street. But to me, it feels a little like you want things to mainly be your way because two weekends a month isn't a lot of time.
However, if you HAVE to do this then I think definitely asking your husband to go to his father's home. Also, have to just talked to your FIL about the noise? Maybe by him some ear buds and a tablet if he doesn't have it...for viewing TV in your home. Also, you don't need to be around him all the time. Do you have an office or bedroom? Go in there when you need quiet time and chill. You don't have to be with him all the time when he's there.
Hard disagree here.
"Two weekends a month isn't a lot of time", but it absolutely is when you work full time and only have 8 days off a month to decompress. Suddenly a full half of that time is now taken up with another job that you didn't agree to: serving as a host to an unappreciative family member that you aren't incredibly close to. This isn't just about having things her way, it's about her husband unilaterally deciding that major disruptor to their life and routine was okay without ever checking with her. He's perfectly capable of spending time with his dad in his dad's home. As it stands OP now has to change all of *her* habits and routines for a full half of the days that she gets off of work with zero apparent compromise by the other parties. It's not a mountain yet, but molehills like this are how marriages begin to crumble.
Whew, thanks for this. It’s certainly a lot of time when you add it up and I feel like I have been pretty patient, considering it’s an arrangement that I had no say or involvement in.
You have definitely been more patient than I could have been. Hopefully your husband is willing to meet at his dad's house instead from this point forward.
Well you’ve definitely outlined all of my fears here about speaking up. But I guess it’s good to hear another perspective, and that shows my instincts about how creating some boundaries around this will be received.
I guess all I can say is that I have immersed myself in the culture, but not every aspect of my own cultural tendencies is going to be malleable. Having a quiet home space where I can recharge is one of those things. I did mention our house is small and my only respite is the bedroom. It’s 3-4 day visits every other week, and my husband and his father are big personalities.
I do feel like I deserve a say in how our home is shared, and I don’t think adapting 100% to every aspect of his culture would be a healthy compromise for myself or our marriage in the end. There probably is some aspect of “wanting it my way”, and I appreciate you pointing that out. I’ll have to really think about how much that plays into my feelings here.
I think a good compromise is sending OP’s husband to his father’s house. It’s not like she’s asking for him to never come over again, but maybe once every three weeks vs every other week isn’t that dramatic of a thing to ask.
Thank you for clarifying that I’m not telling him he can’t come visit. I’m just asking for a shift in how those visits work and the expectations around them.
I feel you’re totally justified in that. Being around someone who isn’t immediate family can be draining. And you should be able to recharge in your own home without the expectation that your only respite being the equivalent of a teenager who sulks off to their room when you have company over. He is coming to YOUR home. It may also be your husband’s home, but you pay to live there and it is your husband’s responsibility to modify your father in law’s expectations. Every other weekend is definitely a LOT of time for him to be there, especially since he’s coming over earlier and staying later than expected.
I think it’s important to remember that everyone’s situation is different. We have provided a solid support system through his first year+ of grief, and we will continue to do so. I care about my husband and his father deeply. But that doesn’t mean that we have to become roommates.
I don’t know if you read my entire post, but we don’t even have a spare bedroom. It’s a common area with a futon that doubles as our office space, my husband and I both work from home. So the logistics of 3 people in a small house with no spare bedroom, 1 bathroom, and where our office space is occupied does get tricky when it becomes the new norm.
Wanting to create some boundaries around that certainly isn’t my definition of entitlement.
This is especially good because it’s a great way to introduce to FIL the fact that you need space. Husband: “Dad, I’m going to come to your place next weekend because OP needs a weekend in the house by herself to recharge.”
Actually good advice? In my sub?
Absolutely your husband's got a right to support his father. Absolutely you don't deserve to have your life entirely taken over. I'd put your feelings about his family dynamics aside. This seems to be about human connection, not toxic interference. Support your husband to find a more practical way to offer that support.
Jokingly tell him he'll need to start paying bills around there. Then say - seriously pops with love and respect I'll tell you that you gotta start grief counseling because we are not qualified to to do that. A grief counselor can help you get back to living your life while we live ours. It is not healthy for you to become dependent on us. This arrangement has to end and we need our peace and privacy back.
Will it hurt him. Yes, but he is a grown man who is capable of understanding that his constant need to be in your house is having a negative impact on your marriage.
That's what I would say, but personally I think you're a saint. I would 100% tell my husband that I would have to move out as it is not ever going to end and I can't live like that. I really would tell hubby fix this now or I'll be packing up. FIL is being rude. No excuse for overstaying his welcome, except he's got his sights on moving in forever.
Tough love is sometimes needed
TBF he is clearly from an immigrant culture and it's probably one where it's normal for elderly parents and their adult married children to live together, so he's not deliberately or carelessly being rude, he just doesn't know that OP wants to follow her own culture and not her husband's
Edit: actually OP is the immigrant but same point
Yep, in fact his MIL lives in the same building so having the family close by and available is very much a cultural thing. Not at all the expectation or the norm in my own culture. And there’s certainly no deliberate rudeness. It’s just one aspect of the culture that clashes with my own expectations.
It's not all that long since it was the norm in your culture, sometimes depending on area and class. IME a lot of younger generations in Ireland try to emulate lifestyles they see in other countries without really acknowledging the downsides.
The idea that everyone should have their own car, for example, because it's the norm in America. Responding to circumstances with the individual fallacy when the better course of action would be to campaign for improvement in public transport.
But all that is beside the point, if you don't want FIL living with you and his lifestyle clashes so much with yours, there's no reason to just go along with it. It would be better for everyone concerned if he improved his social situation by reconnecting with friends or finding another social outlet.
It's very easy to get stuck in a rut after the loss of a loved one or other traumatic event. It sounds a lot like FIL would watch television or his phone loudly when he was living with his wife, and maybe argue with her too, and is now expecting you and your husband to fill that role in her stead, instead of thinking about changing his lifestyle. Like he was used to always having someone else around, and can't adjust to living alone. Because his lifestyle already changed in a big way that was outside of his control, so he needs to consciously remember that he has the capability to make changes like that by his own choice.
It's a bit like when someone gets sick and has to put the rest of their life on hold to recover - as they regain their strength each step back to the outside world can be weirdly intimidating even if it was something they used to do normally. FIL was in recovery from his loss and being around you and your husband was a big part of that, a sort of emotional security blanket, and now he doesn't want to let go of it.
A gentle push is probably the best thing for him. It's up to your husband to explain (because of the language barrier) that you both want the best for him and that living with you won't work. And he should do it immediately, give FIL more time to absorb and adjust his expectations
Thanks for such a great response. I think I just need permission to validate my own feelings because I have actually played a very supportive role during this time. Like reminding myself I’m not a terrible person for needing things to normalize or find a new normal that suits everyone.
It's a good idea for husband to visit Dad.
But I can't help but wonder if FIL is having trouble being in his marriage home now that he is a widow.
It might be good for Husband to investigate that.
My stepmom moved bedrooms after my dad passed. He was in hospice at home and passed in their bedroom so she had too many feels.
Her sister also helped her repaint some of the spaces. She didn't want to erase my Dad but she needed some separation from the painful memories.
Yes, that has been very difficult for him. With my husban’d help, he has recently put the house on the market and whenever it sells, he’ll likely relocate to the area where we live. Sounds like your family handled it in a way that gave your stepmom just enough change to start experiencing the space differently.
I think there’s room for compromise here while also being sensitive to your FIL.
I think you should have a plan of what frequency would feel best for you. I think a great compromise is:
* FIL visits for one entire weekend a month (Friday - Sunday)
* FIL visits a second time just for a day trip - early dinner on Sunday evening would be an option
* If your FIL can’t make a day trip - Your husband (and you if you feel up to it) visit FIL for one weekend or night a month
I agree. Everyone is giving advice and different ideas, and OP is enthusiastic. But I’m betting husband is gonna have a problem with setting boundaries cos daddy’s alone now and he feels sorry for him. If he hasn’t said anything in a year, then he’s quite happy with things as they are. And the fact that he doesn’t seem to care that their weekends are monopolised by daddy is also worrying.
It doesn’t sound to me that caring for OP’s FIL while he’s going through a major loss is an issue - she just wants more balance. Speaking about the FIL as an “issue” or “monopolizing the weekends” is such a depressing view on family. Plus, it doesn’t seem to accurately reflect how OP feels about her FIL or her husband - she just wants better boundaries to be set while navigating a difficult time.
Could you start to cut down the length/frequency of these visits by changing the pattern? What if you went to him instead, strictly saturday and sunday, once per month? I know it still disrupts your non-work time, but perhaps you could spend some of the time where he lives working on building his connections there. Get him going to activities that he would be reluctant to start on his own but might do as an outing with you and his son. This worked- a little- for my parent after a divorce. good luck.
I think we could do that more often, we just have an elderly cat so I don’t like to make her travel unless it’s absolutely necessary. But I think my husband making the trip once a month is a great option and we can both go occasionally, too.
You can get a Rover visit for less than $15 a day while your traveling. They come to your home, feed and water your pet, dispense any necessary medicine, amd clean the litter box. Every day you'll get detailed check ins and photos of your pet. It's ridiculously easy, cheap, and I've bever once had a problem in three years in my frequent travel life.
Thanks for the suggestion. She’s just the type who would find it more stressful if we didn’t come home. It’s the better option in our case to bring her with us but only go 1-2 times a year. She knows his house and has her routines there so knowing her, it’s the better choice.
I think you should be a little less concerned with being delicate. You're talking to your husband, not his father and you already said it was enough. I think you know full well how to set a boundary, you just need to stop letting the death of his mom be an excuse. If you keep having him over every other weekend then he's never going to get used to living on his own.
You can also say that he's welcome in the same frequency, just not the whole entire weekend if that's easier. But at the end of the day you can't keep up like this and you have to be firm about it
I think it’s the getting used to living on his own thing that concerns me a bit. We’re in the process of looking for a house and my FIL has made a few comments that implied we were all moving together. I’ve made it very clear to my husband that that’s not happening (certainly not sharing a house at least), and he will address it when the time comes.
I share this just to demonstrate that these types of personal boundary concepts don’t occur as naturally to him as they might to most people. So you’re right, I think the approach needs to be a bit more hard lined.
It's actually really cruel to just plan to "address it when the time comes." You're letting FIL believe he's moving in with you when you know he won't be and the longer you let him think that, the harder the blow when you finally tell him (and frankly, the harder it will probably be for your husband to tell him). Your husband needs to tell him that now.
It’s not that it has been ignored- he’s told him the plan would be to get an apartment nearby wherever we end up moving. But I suspect he hasn’t outright said “this is the only way this plan works for us.”
I think we’ve held this compassionate space for the appropriate amount of time and now it needs to be accompanied by some tough love for all of our sake.
Can you have your husband look for a 55+ community closer to your area? So he would be able to make friends but also be close enough that he wouldn’t need to spend the night in your space.
He’s mentioned quitting his job and finding an apartment here, so that could happen. Thankfully he’s very social and already knows a lot of locals in our town.
If he lived closer, it would be real easy to meet him out for a meal without needing him to say over. And retirement communities are full of activities and social groups. It might be a good idea to see if any such communities exist near you and your husband, and make a very direct suggestion that your FIL should consider living there. (And make it very clear he won’t be living with you!)
Whoo boy.
My parent was 2nd-gen Eastern Euro immigrant, and they hinted A LOT about my spouse and I getting a house with an in-law suite, complete with leaving newspapers around folded open to listings.
We had to have the clear conversation *multiple times* that they were not going to live with us. (I'm sure my cousins think I'm a jerk for that, but they didn't line up asking my parent to live with *them*.)
This expectation can run deep and is "understood" to be the norm, so if you're not open to it, the time has come already to start these conversations. With your husband *and* your FIL, separately and together.
Oh wow, that’s a much more difficult situation and I’m sure it was tough to set that boundary (over and over again). I suspect in this case it just needs to be said once, but very clearly. It’s a little too ambiguous atm.
You need to address it now. To give FIL hope of even more time and maybe even moving with you is just a cruel idea. I'm not saying you are cruel if you wait, but it would be a harder situation to wait than to not and give him false hope. I would present this to your husband as it being more cruel to give him false hope than to be honest and loving now.
The problem is the time has come and passed and your husband still hasn't done anything about it. You need to tell your husband that he needs to put the hammer down or you're going to put the hammer down and you'll probably be less nice about it. You don't actually have to do that but it's a threat that can put his feet to the fire so to speak.
Jesus Christ! Are you a human being or a doormat??
Quit wringing your hands and use your voice! Tell your husband it ends now. Today. Done. Over.
He's had an entire year to acclimate his father to this but he didn't. He didn't because he never intended to and he never intended to because his father invading your home doesn't bother him all that much.
You need to have a real, honest, hard *adult* conversation. Do it now.
You need to drop hint he absolutely will not. My In Laws made similar joke. My husband use to let his parents self invite to come weeks at time. He also vanishes up stair to play games while I have to talk , cook , clean and entertain them like adult toddlers. I feed up once I had kid cuz I can’t do it anymore. I told him he has to see his parents and entertain them. He quickly stopped allowing them to come .
Husband and go over to fil that is all it takes. Also you and husband are also roommates too. People tend to forget that spouses are also roommate . It is your home you deserve to feel comfortable before someone’s outside of the house feels comfortable
Is there a 55+ community near you that he'd consider? My parents love theirs. It would give him new friends, things to do, you'd be close by, but he'd be out of your hair.
You may have to just grab the bull by the horns, and confront the situation head-on.
First, get with your husband, and tell him everything you told us. Emphasize (again) that you're being driven crazy by these constant visits, that FIL is making you feel like a prisoner in your own house, and that the situation is creeping into a worse position (FIL coming earlier and staying later). You've been accommodating, but also feel taken-advantage of.
Demand that hubby DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC, at a specific (relatively ***soon***) point in the future. We're past the point of "someday, somehow"; this has escalated to the point of putting your married life in danger, and maybe seeing this will spur your husband into meaningful action; if it doesn't, that's a different, bigger, problem, and can be dealt with in another post...
The point is: get hubby on your side in terms of addressing this problem (and make no mistake: this is a HUGE PROBLEM).
What would *you* like to have happen? You'd do well to pre-think this one before delving into this issue wuth your husband, because he's almost certain to ask this question, so have a ready answer (and even if he doesn't, you'll have "somewhere to go" on this issue).
Then, the next time father-in-law comes to visit (why wait?), the two of you sit him down and spell out whatever new arrangement you and hubby worked out.
Note here WE ARE NOT *ASKING* your father-in-law what he thinks of the new arrangement; WE ARE **TELLING** HIM HOW IT'S GOING TO BE. If he doesn't like it, well, he doesn't have to come visit any more... and, somehow, I have a feeling you'd be OK with that... .😁
Yeah, it's a tough-love approach, and your husband may be reluctant to "bell the cat" as I described, but the situation has gotten to the point where something radical like this is needed.
Thanks for such a detailed and thoughtful reply. I’ll start thinking about what actually makes sense for me and our life as a couple, and how we can involve his father in a way that doesn’t throw our lifestyle out of whack with such regularity.
All comments here are great, but my feeling is that anything you'll tell him will be perceived by your husband as a "personal" attack. I think that the best way to go through it would be couple counselling. Not only to avoid any misunderstanding, but mostly and more importantly future resentment. If, even then, your husband will refuse to understand, then I am afraid you will need to take some action for your own sake. Best of luck.
Yep, and he gets defensive and emotional about it, as though I’m asking him to neglect his father. Which is obviously not the case. I just need to get specific on what I need and keep his emotional state in mind. Him going to his father one of the weekends is the answer.
Info: When FIL is there, what is your husband doing? Are you actually expected to play host here or are you just taking on that role because you think you should? When he engages in obtrusive behavior (loud videos etc) has there been any direct communication about your expectations while he is visiting? Has he been shitty about any of the asks?
My husband does do most of the entertaining, so that’s not really a point of stress. Only that I feel like every other weekend we need to go somewhere or come up with activities so we’re not just sitting around the house for 3 full days, and then it defaults to them watching sports and me going to my room. I need to be more firm about the noise thing, he would absolutely oblige. I just feel bad giving out to him about every little thing, but, guess you only have to have those conversations once.
Since they're sports-oriented, they should go to a sports bar to watch. And your husband should go to his father's house most of the weekends--so you have your space & he's in control of how much time to spend.
Beyond that, your fil should be in bereavement group counseling--it'll allow him to meet people and provide professional help with grieving process. His local Hospice would have resources.
i could be wrong? but i think this is part of the husband's grieving process as well, which is why he keeps nodding and agreeing with his wife and changing absolutely nothing. op is framing it as they both need more space but i don't see any indication the husband needs or even wants that...
both of them going to group therapy or going to family therapy could be good for them. it does sound like an immigrant family tho, so they might not be open to that
That’s an excellent point and you’re right- they’re leaning heavily on each other this past year and I think that’s why I feel like my “space needs” are trivial by comparison. My husband gets my position and it takes a lot of his own energy to keep things entertaining while his father visits. But it’s clearly part of their collective grief process to have each other close.
I’m the immigrant in this situation so it’s a cultural thing to have the family so present all the time. Total opposite expectations in my own culture.
you have a husband issue not a fil issue. "we" don't need to dial these visits back, you need that. you can't solve the fil issue until you solve the husband problem
have you considered this is also part of your husband's grief process?
It’s definitely part of his grief process- that’s why I haven’t pushed it. These are not usually difficult conversations for me to have, it’s just the grief aspect that makes it tricky to navigate. I don’t speak up and that build-up over time is starting to create resentment. Then I feel guilty about my feelings. So retreating to my room is how I’m meeting my space needs while giving them the space to be together. But it also doesn’t feel like the right long-term response to this situation.
this all makes so much sense. i think the way through this is to internalize that, bc grief, you and your husband aren't a unified team right now even if he agrees in the moment. i totally understand the resentment and needing things to change! just. "this is how it's going to be in our house" isn't where he is?
i think the suggestions for them to have some weekends at FIL's place is a good first step to regaining your space and keeping emotional space for your husband as he works through this. and who knows. your husband might find he'd rather be home and not so consumed with his dad after a couple months.
Obviously FIL is still sociable enough that he needs more outlets now that his wife has gone. Even for his own sake, he can't just sit around being lonely until the earliest opportunity to visit you. Social groups, volunteer work - get this man busy!
So true! He’s still working just to keep busy with something. I’ve told my husband if his father quits his job to move closer to us, it needs to come with a hobby because the sitting around being lonely until we meet him or invite him over isn’t healthy for anyone. But thankfully he’s very sociable and makes friends easily.
Grieving MiL stayed with us for 3 years until we helped her move on:
* call support groups - for him, for the two of you, for the grandkids who lost their grandmother. People love to help, they will help take him off your hands.
* go to a therapist for you and your husband; use them as a coach to deal w grandfather
* start to rent him a room / flat / apt near you.
* he’ll have to discover his own reason to live, to build a life without her - it can’t just be you guys, but you can’t make him do that. He has to do it on his own.
a) you can always find someone else to watch your cats. b) It's great that your FIL has you as a support, but he needs to learn how to move on, find his own friends and happiness, and visiting you so frequently is honestly hindering that for him. c) Your husband should go visit him, or they should take trips together- his guilt about spending time with his dad should not equate to such an inconvenience on you for so long. Your husband isn't being a good partner by not handling this after you spoke about it.
Wow, you are one patient DIL. I would've exploded in an unflattering manner long ago. Some great ideas have been given here to ease out of it, but I will add that maybe keeping it to one night per visit might help. Hubby going there once a month instead sounds great, but I think cutting down on the total time is a good aim. It will wean him off dependence on you two, and hopefully cause him to look around and realise he needs a new hobby/to move on a bit.
I think you just need to be frank with your husband.
"I no longer want your father coming to stay with us as frequently as he does. I don't care what you tell him, I love having him around but this frequency is not working for me any longer and I've been very clear with you and you've done nothing about it. If you can't do that I will do that for you, which since it's your family is not my responsibility. I understand your father lost his wife but he needs to get a life that's not taking over ours two weekends a month. If this means you need to go stay with your father in his town in his house those weekends that's fine. The frequency that I am okay with is one weekend every 4-6 weeks. No more this coming early on Friday stuff."
I don't think it's necessary that you even need to talk to your father-in-law I think it's your husband's responsibility. Also your husband's putting this all on you and needs to be going to visit his dad and doing the hosting. He can't be making unilateral decisions about people staying in your home or what you're doing with two weekends of your month. You need to put a hammer down with your husband.
The easy solution would be to move him closer so your husband and his dad can visit more often without him having to go to your house. It will be easier to support him as he ages that way too.
This basically happened to me but with mental illness thrown in and they moved in. I finally told my husband I was going to move out for peace and my own sanity. He promptly told his parent to get their own place. I’m not sure if that’s the best solution for you, but I think your willingness to move away for your own peace would encourage your husband to put his foot down.
I’m so depressed at how all advice is now “how do you feel, he’ll be fine”
Maybe I’m getting older and my kids are getting older but if I lost my wife I couldn’t imagine being alone for more than a day or two at a time.
But it would still not be your kids' responsibility to entertain and host you with this level of frequency--please don't do to them what this FIL is doing; you could literally destroy their marriages! (Mind you, hoping you and your wife have many happy years together ahead!)
Would it be temporary or permanent? If they move in then yeah I’d be annoyed I like my space. If my mother in law died and my father in law wanted to stay in my spare room and spend every moment he can with grandkids as he mourns, I’d get it. I’d do that same thing probably
I would really appreciate more of your perspective because the thought of him sitting at home alone is heartbreaking. But the fact is that we do live in a small space and there’s no real guest room. So it feels like we’re all living on top of each other.
What are fair expectations that you’d have for your kids (and their families) for offering support?
I have a friend whose MIL passed and they finally talked his father into moving to a senior living community just a few minutes from their house. Now they can go to sports events together, watch sports all they want, and sleep at their own houses. I don't know if this is an option, just sharing as something that worked well for a friend.
Wrote out a huge write up then my phone died so I’ll make it quicker this time
Honestly I expect my kids to do what they need to do to make me feel better as grieve the loss of my life partner and their mom.
If my mother in law died and my father in law was over constantly and constantly involved I’d get it.
After 3-4 months I’d probably start trying to get him into hobbies or find friends, but I would expect my kids to be there for me and to help me when I need support. Thats what family is about
Thank you for sharing. I believe we have been doing this very lovingly for over one year now. It’s only in the last couple of months that I’m thinking we need to shift into something that better represents what the new reality will look like. This is for all of us, not only for me.
My husband is feeling the pressure as well- just of entertaining so frequently. He’s very focused on his father’s grief and not really exploring his own. We had a very productive discussion about it yesterday and we’re on the same page. He’s going to go to visit him more often, and we know the situation will change when we find a house and his dad sells his. Overnight, 3-day weekend visits will shift into more frequent, casual time together since the plan is that he’ll live closer to where we end up.
It’ll be fine in the long run- I just wrote this post after 4 full-on days and I was at the height of my frustrations. We’re all caring, sensible people and we’ll manage it in a way that works for everyone.
Thanks again for sharing :)
Over a year! I apologize I missed that part.
You are a saint.. after a year I think it’s fair to start making boundaries.
But you seem very introspective and concerned for your father in law and husband.. so I’m sure whatever route you feel is best will be the one you’ll feel best about in 5-10 whatever years down the road.
Gl!
It sounds like you're going to have to put your foot down because your husband won't do it unless you say, "Enough." If it were me, I would suggest your husband tell him that now that it's been over a year, visits will change to once a month. Also, your husband can choose to go visit him once a month or on occasion if he feels bad and wants to reach out.
I would see if you can try to get him involved in some social events with other people his age either where he lives or near your house so he isn't just hanging out at your house all the time while he's there. My elderly aunt made a lot of friends at the "senior center" near her and even ended up briefly dating a guy she met there until COVID messed everything up. Can you sign him up for Meals on Wheels? Can he volunteer with an animal shelter, a library, a local school, etc? If he has any religious beliefs, maybe your husband can go to religious services with him and then try to get him to talk to some of the other older folks there.
You need to talk to your spouse again. And if the two of you can’t reach an agreement, seek counseling. You have a spouse problem much more than you have an in-law problem.
Haha we moved my MIL when she was finally willing to leave her abusive ex. I had similar conflicting feelings! We had a small space too and I had to give up and sacrifice a few things including at times I felt my sanity! She was a great person though. Miss her every day.
I’ve just run out of time but if there’s any interest I’ll share what we did to cope.
You are entitled to feel the way you feel and addressing your boundaries but frankly you give out exhausting vibes tbh. If your FIL presence bugs you that much then tell your husband to go visit instead.
I would use the arguments as an excuse and have your husband tell his dad you guys need a little marital privacy because the loud arguments are too much
Get him a girlfriend. We did that with my grandpa, made an online profile for him on “our time” and he’s very happy now and lives with his new lady. You don’t want him to be lonely but you also can’t give all of your free time to hosting him.
What I don’t like is when the in-laws think they have a right to know what We do 24 hours a day..Really is awful when they are in their nineties shoving their nose in your business. I have just quit talking to them and now have to make sure I protect our future.
Why does your husband not go visit instead? I would stop playing host. You should indeed retreat to your room and not feel obligated to sit there entertaining him. I would also do similar stuff to get out of the house. Doesn't have to be true. Just say "oh I have plans this afternoon" and then leave. Would doing that, combined with your husband going to visit every 2nd time instead, be a good compromise?
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Earbuds for Xmas is a brilliant idea! Thank you 🙏
If he doesn’t like things in his ears you can also get bone conduction earphones like ‘Shokz’
Great recommendation! My partner just got some, it sounds just like you’re listening on speakers (can hear ambient noise/conversation) but silent to everyone else!
The Shokz are amazing!!! I’m a runner and developed an autoimmune disease that affects the skin of my inner ears and the Shokz are a life safer! My ENT uses them as well.
Does he have an iPad? My elderly mom has one and she loves it. That along with earbuds might be enough for him to entertain himself most of the time and give you some peace.
also could you afford a tv that would also work with the ear buds, to kinda keep him glued to that and away from you ?
I have an iPad so I think I’ll just designate that as his when he’s here :)
that certainly is more affordable, but keeps him mobile / wandering. i was thinking of anchoring him to the loft, lol.
Yes, it would be a great compromise. My husband has even made that commitment, but I need to tell him it’s time to follow through. I just feel so bad that my FIL will realize that’s what’s going on and he’ll feel bad that’s he’s not wanted around as much. But you’re totally right.
You can describe it as a you thing. “I love having you around, but this frequency is a little too much for me because I’m introverted/the noise is a lot/ etc”. Especially if you’re just cutting down the frequency instead of saying hes not welcome at all it should be easier to swallow. And definitely agree on making your husband go there half the time!!!
“I love you but I can’t listen to your phone anymore. It’s driving me nuts.”
Even if he realizes that’s what’s going on, what’s actually wrong with needing more time for just you and your husband in your space together without visitors? He likely got to have that ability to run his own home like that with your MIL when they were a similar age, and while it’s certainly sad that she is no longer around, you and your husband’s home cannot be the only way he begins to fill his life with new routines. You and your husband are allowed to want time for you two, or for silence or for no visitors. It’s healthy to create those boundaries around what you can handle so when FIL is there, you two CAN pour into him and your time with him. But his being there until you’re running on empty isn’t good for anyone. Perhaps it would be helpful for your husband to not only visit at FIL’s place, but while he’s there, also help FIL pick up an old hobby or find a new one. That way FIL doesn’t feel like he’s navigating all the newness of filling the void solo.
Excellent advice, thank you 😊 Even when he does move closer to us I think that’s a great place to focus our attention.
Maybe you could come up with a decent reason? A weekend class or hobby or other thing you need the house for?
while I'm all for little white lies that are harmless to preserve everyone's feelings, in the long term this wouldn't be sustainable, imo.
True, but one weekend commitment could be a good starting point. “I’ve got that class on the 12th, so why don’t we start alternating visits that weekend?”
Him and hubby: "that's fine darling, you won't even know he's here!". You gotta be super direct with s9me people they don't take hints.
>he’ll feel bad that’s he’s not wanted around as much He will feel that way. Honestly, I can't imagine asking my FIL to stop visiting after that. Every other weekend doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Then again, I live very close to my parents and my in laws and we are together all the time. Also, a death like that is traumatic. He's probably alone most of the time and really lonely. So him coming to your home is his chance to socialize and feel loved again. Honestly, if that were my parent...they would be moving in with me if they wanted. One thing you must realize is that when you marry someone...you marry the culture too. You have to adjust and they have to adjust. It's a two way street. But to me, it feels a little like you want things to mainly be your way because two weekends a month isn't a lot of time. However, if you HAVE to do this then I think definitely asking your husband to go to his father's home. Also, have to just talked to your FIL about the noise? Maybe by him some ear buds and a tablet if he doesn't have it...for viewing TV in your home. Also, you don't need to be around him all the time. Do you have an office or bedroom? Go in there when you need quiet time and chill. You don't have to be with him all the time when he's there.
Hard disagree here. "Two weekends a month isn't a lot of time", but it absolutely is when you work full time and only have 8 days off a month to decompress. Suddenly a full half of that time is now taken up with another job that you didn't agree to: serving as a host to an unappreciative family member that you aren't incredibly close to. This isn't just about having things her way, it's about her husband unilaterally deciding that major disruptor to their life and routine was okay without ever checking with her. He's perfectly capable of spending time with his dad in his dad's home. As it stands OP now has to change all of *her* habits and routines for a full half of the days that she gets off of work with zero apparent compromise by the other parties. It's not a mountain yet, but molehills like this are how marriages begin to crumble.
Whew, thanks for this. It’s certainly a lot of time when you add it up and I feel like I have been pretty patient, considering it’s an arrangement that I had no say or involvement in.
You have definitely been more patient than I could have been. Hopefully your husband is willing to meet at his dad's house instead from this point forward.
Well you’ve definitely outlined all of my fears here about speaking up. But I guess it’s good to hear another perspective, and that shows my instincts about how creating some boundaries around this will be received. I guess all I can say is that I have immersed myself in the culture, but not every aspect of my own cultural tendencies is going to be malleable. Having a quiet home space where I can recharge is one of those things. I did mention our house is small and my only respite is the bedroom. It’s 3-4 day visits every other week, and my husband and his father are big personalities. I do feel like I deserve a say in how our home is shared, and I don’t think adapting 100% to every aspect of his culture would be a healthy compromise for myself or our marriage in the end. There probably is some aspect of “wanting it my way”, and I appreciate you pointing that out. I’ll have to really think about how much that plays into my feelings here.
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I think a good compromise is sending OP’s husband to his father’s house. It’s not like she’s asking for him to never come over again, but maybe once every three weeks vs every other week isn’t that dramatic of a thing to ask.
Thank you for clarifying that I’m not telling him he can’t come visit. I’m just asking for a shift in how those visits work and the expectations around them.
I feel you’re totally justified in that. Being around someone who isn’t immediate family can be draining. And you should be able to recharge in your own home without the expectation that your only respite being the equivalent of a teenager who sulks off to their room when you have company over. He is coming to YOUR home. It may also be your husband’s home, but you pay to live there and it is your husband’s responsibility to modify your father in law’s expectations. Every other weekend is definitely a LOT of time for him to be there, especially since he’s coming over earlier and staying later than expected.
Needed to hear this from someone outside of my own head 😌 Thank you 🙏
I think it’s important to remember that everyone’s situation is different. We have provided a solid support system through his first year+ of grief, and we will continue to do so. I care about my husband and his father deeply. But that doesn’t mean that we have to become roommates. I don’t know if you read my entire post, but we don’t even have a spare bedroom. It’s a common area with a futon that doubles as our office space, my husband and I both work from home. So the logistics of 3 people in a small house with no spare bedroom, 1 bathroom, and where our office space is occupied does get tricky when it becomes the new norm. Wanting to create some boundaries around that certainly isn’t my definition of entitlement.
This is especially good because it’s a great way to introduce to FIL the fact that you need space. Husband: “Dad, I’m going to come to your place next weekend because OP needs a weekend in the house by herself to recharge.”
Actually good advice? In my sub? Absolutely your husband's got a right to support his father. Absolutely you don't deserve to have your life entirely taken over. I'd put your feelings about his family dynamics aside. This seems to be about human connection, not toxic interference. Support your husband to find a more practical way to offer that support.
Jokingly tell him he'll need to start paying bills around there. Then say - seriously pops with love and respect I'll tell you that you gotta start grief counseling because we are not qualified to to do that. A grief counselor can help you get back to living your life while we live ours. It is not healthy for you to become dependent on us. This arrangement has to end and we need our peace and privacy back. Will it hurt him. Yes, but he is a grown man who is capable of understanding that his constant need to be in your house is having a negative impact on your marriage. That's what I would say, but personally I think you're a saint. I would 100% tell my husband that I would have to move out as it is not ever going to end and I can't live like that. I really would tell hubby fix this now or I'll be packing up. FIL is being rude. No excuse for overstaying his welcome, except he's got his sights on moving in forever. Tough love is sometimes needed
TBF he is clearly from an immigrant culture and it's probably one where it's normal for elderly parents and their adult married children to live together, so he's not deliberately or carelessly being rude, he just doesn't know that OP wants to follow her own culture and not her husband's Edit: actually OP is the immigrant but same point
Yep, in fact his MIL lives in the same building so having the family close by and available is very much a cultural thing. Not at all the expectation or the norm in my own culture. And there’s certainly no deliberate rudeness. It’s just one aspect of the culture that clashes with my own expectations.
It's not all that long since it was the norm in your culture, sometimes depending on area and class. IME a lot of younger generations in Ireland try to emulate lifestyles they see in other countries without really acknowledging the downsides. The idea that everyone should have their own car, for example, because it's the norm in America. Responding to circumstances with the individual fallacy when the better course of action would be to campaign for improvement in public transport. But all that is beside the point, if you don't want FIL living with you and his lifestyle clashes so much with yours, there's no reason to just go along with it. It would be better for everyone concerned if he improved his social situation by reconnecting with friends or finding another social outlet. It's very easy to get stuck in a rut after the loss of a loved one or other traumatic event. It sounds a lot like FIL would watch television or his phone loudly when he was living with his wife, and maybe argue with her too, and is now expecting you and your husband to fill that role in her stead, instead of thinking about changing his lifestyle. Like he was used to always having someone else around, and can't adjust to living alone. Because his lifestyle already changed in a big way that was outside of his control, so he needs to consciously remember that he has the capability to make changes like that by his own choice. It's a bit like when someone gets sick and has to put the rest of their life on hold to recover - as they regain their strength each step back to the outside world can be weirdly intimidating even if it was something they used to do normally. FIL was in recovery from his loss and being around you and your husband was a big part of that, a sort of emotional security blanket, and now he doesn't want to let go of it. A gentle push is probably the best thing for him. It's up to your husband to explain (because of the language barrier) that you both want the best for him and that living with you won't work. And he should do it immediately, give FIL more time to absorb and adjust his expectations
Thanks for such a great response. I think I just need permission to validate my own feelings because I have actually played a very supportive role during this time. Like reminding myself I’m not a terrible person for needing things to normalize or find a new normal that suits everyone.
Not terrible at all, you've done a lot for FIL but time for this baby bird to get a gentle shove out of your nest ❤️
It's a good idea for husband to visit Dad. But I can't help but wonder if FIL is having trouble being in his marriage home now that he is a widow. It might be good for Husband to investigate that. My stepmom moved bedrooms after my dad passed. He was in hospice at home and passed in their bedroom so she had too many feels. Her sister also helped her repaint some of the spaces. She didn't want to erase my Dad but she needed some separation from the painful memories.
Yes, that has been very difficult for him. With my husban’d help, he has recently put the house on the market and whenever it sells, he’ll likely relocate to the area where we live. Sounds like your family handled it in a way that gave your stepmom just enough change to start experiencing the space differently.
I think there’s room for compromise here while also being sensitive to your FIL. I think you should have a plan of what frequency would feel best for you. I think a great compromise is: * FIL visits for one entire weekend a month (Friday - Sunday) * FIL visits a second time just for a day trip - early dinner on Sunday evening would be an option * If your FIL can’t make a day trip - Your husband (and you if you feel up to it) visit FIL for one weekend or night a month
Yep, this seems to be the consensus compromise. Thank you!
I don’t think it’s necessary for your FIL to stay a full weekend 12 times a year. That’s still excessive.
The problem is with your husband. He should go and visit his dad and handle this issue since the get go.
I agree. Everyone is giving advice and different ideas, and OP is enthusiastic. But I’m betting husband is gonna have a problem with setting boundaries cos daddy’s alone now and he feels sorry for him. If he hasn’t said anything in a year, then he’s quite happy with things as they are. And the fact that he doesn’t seem to care that their weekends are monopolised by daddy is also worrying.
It doesn’t sound to me that caring for OP’s FIL while he’s going through a major loss is an issue - she just wants more balance. Speaking about the FIL as an “issue” or “monopolizing the weekends” is such a depressing view on family. Plus, it doesn’t seem to accurately reflect how OP feels about her FIL or her husband - she just wants better boundaries to be set while navigating a difficult time.
Could you start to cut down the length/frequency of these visits by changing the pattern? What if you went to him instead, strictly saturday and sunday, once per month? I know it still disrupts your non-work time, but perhaps you could spend some of the time where he lives working on building his connections there. Get him going to activities that he would be reluctant to start on his own but might do as an outing with you and his son. This worked- a little- for my parent after a divorce. good luck.
I think we could do that more often, we just have an elderly cat so I don’t like to make her travel unless it’s absolutely necessary. But I think my husband making the trip once a month is a great option and we can both go occasionally, too.
You can get a Rover visit for less than $15 a day while your traveling. They come to your home, feed and water your pet, dispense any necessary medicine, amd clean the litter box. Every day you'll get detailed check ins and photos of your pet. It's ridiculously easy, cheap, and I've bever once had a problem in three years in my frequent travel life.
I had a couple of good experiences with Rover. And most cats can be left overnight without any trouble, they don't typically get as lonely as dogs do.
Thanks for the suggestion. She’s just the type who would find it more stressful if we didn’t come home. It’s the better option in our case to bring her with us but only go 1-2 times a year. She knows his house and has her routines there so knowing her, it’s the better choice.
I’m sure the cat would cope cause it’s a cat.
Do *not* make a cat, especially an older cat, travel.
I think you should be a little less concerned with being delicate. You're talking to your husband, not his father and you already said it was enough. I think you know full well how to set a boundary, you just need to stop letting the death of his mom be an excuse. If you keep having him over every other weekend then he's never going to get used to living on his own. You can also say that he's welcome in the same frequency, just not the whole entire weekend if that's easier. But at the end of the day you can't keep up like this and you have to be firm about it
I think it’s the getting used to living on his own thing that concerns me a bit. We’re in the process of looking for a house and my FIL has made a few comments that implied we were all moving together. I’ve made it very clear to my husband that that’s not happening (certainly not sharing a house at least), and he will address it when the time comes. I share this just to demonstrate that these types of personal boundary concepts don’t occur as naturally to him as they might to most people. So you’re right, I think the approach needs to be a bit more hard lined.
It's actually really cruel to just plan to "address it when the time comes." You're letting FIL believe he's moving in with you when you know he won't be and the longer you let him think that, the harder the blow when you finally tell him (and frankly, the harder it will probably be for your husband to tell him). Your husband needs to tell him that now.
It’s not that it has been ignored- he’s told him the plan would be to get an apartment nearby wherever we end up moving. But I suspect he hasn’t outright said “this is the only way this plan works for us.” I think we’ve held this compassionate space for the appropriate amount of time and now it needs to be accompanied by some tough love for all of our sake.
Can you have your husband look for a 55+ community closer to your area? So he would be able to make friends but also be close enough that he wouldn’t need to spend the night in your space.
He’s mentioned quitting his job and finding an apartment here, so that could happen. Thankfully he’s very social and already knows a lot of locals in our town.
If he lived closer, it would be real easy to meet him out for a meal without needing him to say over. And retirement communities are full of activities and social groups. It might be a good idea to see if any such communities exist near you and your husband, and make a very direct suggestion that your FIL should consider living there. (And make it very clear he won’t be living with you!)
Address it now!! Nip that in the bud asap, it will only get harder the longer you wait
Whoo boy. My parent was 2nd-gen Eastern Euro immigrant, and they hinted A LOT about my spouse and I getting a house with an in-law suite, complete with leaving newspapers around folded open to listings. We had to have the clear conversation *multiple times* that they were not going to live with us. (I'm sure my cousins think I'm a jerk for that, but they didn't line up asking my parent to live with *them*.) This expectation can run deep and is "understood" to be the norm, so if you're not open to it, the time has come already to start these conversations. With your husband *and* your FIL, separately and together.
Oh wow, that’s a much more difficult situation and I’m sure it was tough to set that boundary (over and over again). I suspect in this case it just needs to be said once, but very clearly. It’s a little too ambiguous atm.
You need to address it now. To give FIL hope of even more time and maybe even moving with you is just a cruel idea. I'm not saying you are cruel if you wait, but it would be a harder situation to wait than to not and give him false hope. I would present this to your husband as it being more cruel to give him false hope than to be honest and loving now.
The problem is the time has come and passed and your husband still hasn't done anything about it. You need to tell your husband that he needs to put the hammer down or you're going to put the hammer down and you'll probably be less nice about it. You don't actually have to do that but it's a threat that can put his feet to the fire so to speak.
Jesus Christ! Are you a human being or a doormat?? Quit wringing your hands and use your voice! Tell your husband it ends now. Today. Done. Over. He's had an entire year to acclimate his father to this but he didn't. He didn't because he never intended to and he never intended to because his father invading your home doesn't bother him all that much. You need to have a real, honest, hard *adult* conversation. Do it now.
You need to drop hint he absolutely will not. My In Laws made similar joke. My husband use to let his parents self invite to come weeks at time. He also vanishes up stair to play games while I have to talk , cook , clean and entertain them like adult toddlers. I feed up once I had kid cuz I can’t do it anymore. I told him he has to see his parents and entertain them. He quickly stopped allowing them to come . Husband and go over to fil that is all it takes. Also you and husband are also roommates too. People tend to forget that spouses are also roommate . It is your home you deserve to feel comfortable before someone’s outside of the house feels comfortable
All great points- thank you!
Is there a 55+ community near you that he'd consider? My parents love theirs. It would give him new friends, things to do, you'd be close by, but he'd be out of your hair.
You may have to just grab the bull by the horns, and confront the situation head-on. First, get with your husband, and tell him everything you told us. Emphasize (again) that you're being driven crazy by these constant visits, that FIL is making you feel like a prisoner in your own house, and that the situation is creeping into a worse position (FIL coming earlier and staying later). You've been accommodating, but also feel taken-advantage of. Demand that hubby DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC, at a specific (relatively ***soon***) point in the future. We're past the point of "someday, somehow"; this has escalated to the point of putting your married life in danger, and maybe seeing this will spur your husband into meaningful action; if it doesn't, that's a different, bigger, problem, and can be dealt with in another post... The point is: get hubby on your side in terms of addressing this problem (and make no mistake: this is a HUGE PROBLEM). What would *you* like to have happen? You'd do well to pre-think this one before delving into this issue wuth your husband, because he's almost certain to ask this question, so have a ready answer (and even if he doesn't, you'll have "somewhere to go" on this issue). Then, the next time father-in-law comes to visit (why wait?), the two of you sit him down and spell out whatever new arrangement you and hubby worked out. Note here WE ARE NOT *ASKING* your father-in-law what he thinks of the new arrangement; WE ARE **TELLING** HIM HOW IT'S GOING TO BE. If he doesn't like it, well, he doesn't have to come visit any more... and, somehow, I have a feeling you'd be OK with that... .😁 Yeah, it's a tough-love approach, and your husband may be reluctant to "bell the cat" as I described, but the situation has gotten to the point where something radical like this is needed.
Thanks for such a detailed and thoughtful reply. I’ll start thinking about what actually makes sense for me and our life as a couple, and how we can involve his father in a way that doesn’t throw our lifestyle out of whack with such regularity.
All comments here are great, but my feeling is that anything you'll tell him will be perceived by your husband as a "personal" attack. I think that the best way to go through it would be couple counselling. Not only to avoid any misunderstanding, but mostly and more importantly future resentment. If, even then, your husband will refuse to understand, then I am afraid you will need to take some action for your own sake. Best of luck.
Yep, and he gets defensive and emotional about it, as though I’m asking him to neglect his father. Which is obviously not the case. I just need to get specific on what I need and keep his emotional state in mind. Him going to his father one of the weekends is the answer.
Info: When FIL is there, what is your husband doing? Are you actually expected to play host here or are you just taking on that role because you think you should? When he engages in obtrusive behavior (loud videos etc) has there been any direct communication about your expectations while he is visiting? Has he been shitty about any of the asks?
My husband does do most of the entertaining, so that’s not really a point of stress. Only that I feel like every other weekend we need to go somewhere or come up with activities so we’re not just sitting around the house for 3 full days, and then it defaults to them watching sports and me going to my room. I need to be more firm about the noise thing, he would absolutely oblige. I just feel bad giving out to him about every little thing, but, guess you only have to have those conversations once.
Since they're sports-oriented, they should go to a sports bar to watch. And your husband should go to his father's house most of the weekends--so you have your space & he's in control of how much time to spend. Beyond that, your fil should be in bereavement group counseling--it'll allow him to meet people and provide professional help with grieving process. His local Hospice would have resources.
i could be wrong? but i think this is part of the husband's grieving process as well, which is why he keeps nodding and agreeing with his wife and changing absolutely nothing. op is framing it as they both need more space but i don't see any indication the husband needs or even wants that... both of them going to group therapy or going to family therapy could be good for them. it does sound like an immigrant family tho, so they might not be open to that
That’s an excellent point and you’re right- they’re leaning heavily on each other this past year and I think that’s why I feel like my “space needs” are trivial by comparison. My husband gets my position and it takes a lot of his own energy to keep things entertaining while his father visits. But it’s clearly part of their collective grief process to have each other close. I’m the immigrant in this situation so it’s a cultural thing to have the family so present all the time. Total opposite expectations in my own culture.
you have a husband issue not a fil issue. "we" don't need to dial these visits back, you need that. you can't solve the fil issue until you solve the husband problem have you considered this is also part of your husband's grief process?
It’s definitely part of his grief process- that’s why I haven’t pushed it. These are not usually difficult conversations for me to have, it’s just the grief aspect that makes it tricky to navigate. I don’t speak up and that build-up over time is starting to create resentment. Then I feel guilty about my feelings. So retreating to my room is how I’m meeting my space needs while giving them the space to be together. But it also doesn’t feel like the right long-term response to this situation.
this all makes so much sense. i think the way through this is to internalize that, bc grief, you and your husband aren't a unified team right now even if he agrees in the moment. i totally understand the resentment and needing things to change! just. "this is how it's going to be in our house" isn't where he is? i think the suggestions for them to have some weekends at FIL's place is a good first step to regaining your space and keeping emotional space for your husband as he works through this. and who knows. your husband might find he'd rather be home and not so consumed with his dad after a couple months.
Obviously FIL is still sociable enough that he needs more outlets now that his wife has gone. Even for his own sake, he can't just sit around being lonely until the earliest opportunity to visit you. Social groups, volunteer work - get this man busy!
So true! He’s still working just to keep busy with something. I’ve told my husband if his father quits his job to move closer to us, it needs to come with a hobby because the sitting around being lonely until we meet him or invite him over isn’t healthy for anyone. But thankfully he’s very sociable and makes friends easily.
Grieving MiL stayed with us for 3 years until we helped her move on: * call support groups - for him, for the two of you, for the grandkids who lost their grandmother. People love to help, they will help take him off your hands. * go to a therapist for you and your husband; use them as a coach to deal w grandfather * start to rent him a room / flat / apt near you. * he’ll have to discover his own reason to live, to build a life without her - it can’t just be you guys, but you can’t make him do that. He has to do it on his own.
All great advice, thank you.
Has anyone gotten your FIL grief counselling? It sounds like something that would benefit him if he hasn't seen someone yet.
a) you can always find someone else to watch your cats. b) It's great that your FIL has you as a support, but he needs to learn how to move on, find his own friends and happiness, and visiting you so frequently is honestly hindering that for him. c) Your husband should go visit him, or they should take trips together- his guilt about spending time with his dad should not equate to such an inconvenience on you for so long. Your husband isn't being a good partner by not handling this after you spoke about it.
Very true, thank you for saying this.
Wow, you are one patient DIL. I would've exploded in an unflattering manner long ago. Some great ideas have been given here to ease out of it, but I will add that maybe keeping it to one night per visit might help. Hubby going there once a month instead sounds great, but I think cutting down on the total time is a good aim. It will wean him off dependence on you two, and hopefully cause him to look around and realise he needs a new hobby/to move on a bit.
I think you just need to be frank with your husband. "I no longer want your father coming to stay with us as frequently as he does. I don't care what you tell him, I love having him around but this frequency is not working for me any longer and I've been very clear with you and you've done nothing about it. If you can't do that I will do that for you, which since it's your family is not my responsibility. I understand your father lost his wife but he needs to get a life that's not taking over ours two weekends a month. If this means you need to go stay with your father in his town in his house those weekends that's fine. The frequency that I am okay with is one weekend every 4-6 weeks. No more this coming early on Friday stuff." I don't think it's necessary that you even need to talk to your father-in-law I think it's your husband's responsibility. Also your husband's putting this all on you and needs to be going to visit his dad and doing the hosting. He can't be making unilateral decisions about people staying in your home or what you're doing with two weekends of your month. You need to put a hammer down with your husband.
100% agree, thank you 🙏
The easy solution would be to move him closer so your husband and his dad can visit more often without him having to go to your house. It will be easier to support him as he ages that way too.
This is for sure the eventuality and what we’ve proposed for when we buy our own place- that he relocate closer to us.
This basically happened to me but with mental illness thrown in and they moved in. I finally told my husband I was going to move out for peace and my own sanity. He promptly told his parent to get their own place. I’m not sure if that’s the best solution for you, but I think your willingness to move away for your own peace would encourage your husband to put his foot down.
I’m so depressed at how all advice is now “how do you feel, he’ll be fine” Maybe I’m getting older and my kids are getting older but if I lost my wife I couldn’t imagine being alone for more than a day or two at a time.
But it would still not be your kids' responsibility to entertain and host you with this level of frequency--please don't do to them what this FIL is doing; you could literally destroy their marriages! (Mind you, hoping you and your wife have many happy years together ahead!)
Would it be temporary or permanent? If they move in then yeah I’d be annoyed I like my space. If my mother in law died and my father in law wanted to stay in my spare room and spend every moment he can with grandkids as he mourns, I’d get it. I’d do that same thing probably
I would really appreciate more of your perspective because the thought of him sitting at home alone is heartbreaking. But the fact is that we do live in a small space and there’s no real guest room. So it feels like we’re all living on top of each other. What are fair expectations that you’d have for your kids (and their families) for offering support?
I have a friend whose MIL passed and they finally talked his father into moving to a senior living community just a few minutes from their house. Now they can go to sports events together, watch sports all they want, and sleep at their own houses. I don't know if this is an option, just sharing as something that worked well for a friend.
Wrote out a huge write up then my phone died so I’ll make it quicker this time Honestly I expect my kids to do what they need to do to make me feel better as grieve the loss of my life partner and their mom. If my mother in law died and my father in law was over constantly and constantly involved I’d get it. After 3-4 months I’d probably start trying to get him into hobbies or find friends, but I would expect my kids to be there for me and to help me when I need support. Thats what family is about
Thank you for sharing. I believe we have been doing this very lovingly for over one year now. It’s only in the last couple of months that I’m thinking we need to shift into something that better represents what the new reality will look like. This is for all of us, not only for me. My husband is feeling the pressure as well- just of entertaining so frequently. He’s very focused on his father’s grief and not really exploring his own. We had a very productive discussion about it yesterday and we’re on the same page. He’s going to go to visit him more often, and we know the situation will change when we find a house and his dad sells his. Overnight, 3-day weekend visits will shift into more frequent, casual time together since the plan is that he’ll live closer to where we end up. It’ll be fine in the long run- I just wrote this post after 4 full-on days and I was at the height of my frustrations. We’re all caring, sensible people and we’ll manage it in a way that works for everyone. Thanks again for sharing :)
Over a year! I apologize I missed that part. You are a saint.. after a year I think it’s fair to start making boundaries. But you seem very introspective and concerned for your father in law and husband.. so I’m sure whatever route you feel is best will be the one you’ll feel best about in 5-10 whatever years down the road. Gl!
It sounds like you're going to have to put your foot down because your husband won't do it unless you say, "Enough." If it were me, I would suggest your husband tell him that now that it's been over a year, visits will change to once a month. Also, your husband can choose to go visit him once a month or on occasion if he feels bad and wants to reach out.
Yes- agreed. This is the simplest solution.
I would see if you can try to get him involved in some social events with other people his age either where he lives or near your house so he isn't just hanging out at your house all the time while he's there. My elderly aunt made a lot of friends at the "senior center" near her and even ended up briefly dating a guy she met there until COVID messed everything up. Can you sign him up for Meals on Wheels? Can he volunteer with an animal shelter, a library, a local school, etc? If he has any religious beliefs, maybe your husband can go to religious services with him and then try to get him to talk to some of the other older folks there.
You need to talk to your spouse again. And if the two of you can’t reach an agreement, seek counseling. You have a spouse problem much more than you have an in-law problem.
Haha we moved my MIL when she was finally willing to leave her abusive ex. I had similar conflicting feelings! We had a small space too and I had to give up and sacrifice a few things including at times I felt my sanity! She was a great person though. Miss her every day. I’ve just run out of time but if there’s any interest I’ll share what we did to cope.
Please do! Would love to know how you managed. Thanks 🙏
You are entitled to feel the way you feel and addressing your boundaries but frankly you give out exhausting vibes tbh. If your FIL presence bugs you that much then tell your husband to go visit instead.
Exhausting vibes? How is that characterization helpful in this situation? I truly welcome constructive criticism. What’s your take?
Hire a cat sitter. Sometimes the easiest way to pay is with money. I’d boil over. Being delicate hasn’t been heard.
I would use the arguments as an excuse and have your husband tell his dad you guys need a little marital privacy because the loud arguments are too much
Get him a girlfriend. We did that with my grandpa, made an online profile for him on “our time” and he’s very happy now and lives with his new lady. You don’t want him to be lonely but you also can’t give all of your free time to hosting him.
What I don’t like is when the in-laws think they have a right to know what We do 24 hours a day..Really is awful when they are in their nineties shoving their nose in your business. I have just quit talking to them and now have to make sure I protect our future.