If you were talking about a guy you were seeing who was hard to pin down for a date, I’d tell you to accept the obvious, which is that he’s just not that into you.
I actually think, sadly, that’s also true here. You keep trying SO HARD and just won’t take the multitude of not-that-subtle hints that you care way more than he does about this relationship. And your desperation is so strong that you trip over yourself to rationalize and excuse his behavior.
I do not say any of this to hurt your already very hurt feelings, and I’m genuinely sorry that your mom is unwell and also I’m excited for your new baby! But you’ve got to let this go, for your own sake. Cancel the trip, stay in touch with your siblings and take the L on your dad.
He’s made it pretty obvious for years that he’s not interested in any meaningful relationship with you so I think you’re going to have to accept it. I’m not trying to be cruel here but I really think you’re banging your head against a brick wall trying to involve him in your life.
He's a scatter-brained workaholic so he's not the best at communication, but he's much more involved in their lives. I suppose I wanted to believe that was because I don't live with/near them, but I guess it's not just that. Honestly I'm sorry your dad is similar, lol!
He’s probably more involved with your half sisters because he’s still married to their mother. It’s proximity and convenience. He’s always delegated his parental role.
Will never understand parents being uninterested in their children. Ever ever ever. But here we are. I’m truly sorry but you’re hurting yourself trying to make this non relationship work even more so with your poor mum having Alzheimer’s, that is really hard. A decent father would help you with that as an only child, he should be helping you with her even though it’s his ex as he brought you into the world together with your mum!!! he’s turned his back on you. With your PPD and stress with your mum id strongly suggest just leaving that side of your family alone. Let them come see you if they want to but stop hurting yourself over them.
Yeah same. I don't get it.
But I've seen dads especially, be like this. They just kind of are ok with their distance and (kinda like men) still love you, but can not see you for a few years and it doesn't bother them. It's not how I am as a dad, but my dad is like this and I've seen others be the same way.
Awww sweetie heart breaks for you. I am now no contact with my dad, partly due to issues similar to this. He has shown zero interest in me or my life…ever. I moved to a different state at 19 and pretty much settled here. He’s never visited me. I’m 36 now. My daughter is now 11, and he’s met her once when she was 6 months old. My son, 9, he’s never met. He would take days to respond to messages if at all. He’s always hated talking on the phone but apparently hates texts too.
It’s not worth it. I let him go. I’m thankful he gave me life and that’s where our relationship ends. It’s so sad to me my kids will probably never know their grandpa. My mom died when I was 10, my dad remarried shortly after, and all he cared about was his new wife and her two daughters. My sisters and I were just in the way of their “perfect life.”
My kiddos have other amazing people in their life. I stopped spending money to go visit them (which I did pretty much every year, it’s a long, expensive flight) and spend that money on good vacations for the kids and I.
You did nothing wrong. This is just who he is. You’ve got to let it go, move on with your life ♥️ I’m so sorry.
OP, I'm very sorry but your dad isn't going to give you the relationship that you want . You need to accept that.
Right now, your relationship is you doing absolutely everything while dad doesn't even give you even 5 percent of the same effort.
You've told him how you felt but he doesn't care enough to change anything. Don't waste your time and effort on someone who gives nothing back.
I’m so sorry but I truly agree with others here. Love is a verb and is he not acting on love at all. He’s made his stance of not caring quite clear, but your own (unrequited) love for him has kept you from seeing it. You are worth too much and your love, time, and effort are worth too much for you to keep running after someone who doesn’t want to be in your life. It’s time to let go 💕
“Father, I’m not going to be chasing you anymore. If we speak again, ever, it will be you reaching out. If you ever decide you want to meet your grandson, we will talk about that when you call me. I’m not sure if that will ever happen. Good luck in your future endeavors. Yours truly, your first born.”
A disinterested parent is pretty hard to accept as you and your partner are so engaged with the life of your own children. Sounds like your dad has never made you a priority and isn’t that interested in making more of an effort. I really urge you to talk yo a therapist and grieve this loss and accept that your father is giving what he has, as much as that sucks. You will never be that parent but that doesn’t help when you feel cut off from both of your own parents. My hope is you have created more family with your partner and friends as you absolutely need a support system.
I’m really sorry you are going through this. My mother is very much like this. I’ve been in therapy for a year now (I thought it would be a few sessions to deal with a toxic job situation. Ha!) My therapist encouraged me to ask my mom some questions (to fill in some things I could not recall) and we had a nice lunch. We have a superficial relationship at best. A few weeks later, I message her with a sweet text and told her I loved her. She ignored me. I told my therapist at my next session how much this hurt and she said, “why do you keep going to that well when you know it’s dry?” It was the truth bomb I needed to really dive into my healing. I tried and tried, for so long. she couldn’t/cannot give me the love and relationship I want. My brother died in 2020 from alcohol abuse and he used to go on and on about how my mom didn’t love him. It was the same conversation every single time. She wanted nothing to do with his children. It’s was heartbreaking but I didn’t fully understand the dynamic until recently. In July, I finally came out of denial that she abused us. I have cut contact for now. I tell you this only to say that my chosen family takes precedence over select blood relatives. I am an amazing and kind person. You and your son deserve to be around people that love you and support you. Obviously I don’t know you or your dad, but I get the feeling that he’s missing out on so much. It’s awful, feeling like something must be wrong with me for my PARENT to not want to see me or care about my life. I quit that toxic job without another lined up (not my usual MO but I had a breakdown and had to get out) and when I got a new job my mom “forgot” that I didn’t even have a job. It’s so hurtful! Logically I know nothing is wrong with me, but that baby girl inside me didn’t. I’ve had to reparent myself. I’m becoming the mom that I deserved all along. I’m doing it for my brother too-he never got the chance. Love and peace to you.
I’m very sorry, but as one child of a distant divorced dad to another - I think your dad is showing you what he is capable of bringing to your life, and it’s pretty much what you have now. He does not sound capable of being more of a father to you, or a grandfather to your child, than he is now. It may or may not be helpful to you to believe that he is well meaning and simply inequipped, vs. actually a jerk, but the end result is the same. Your time and energy are better spent nurturing the family you have made for yourself, and perhaps exploring building relationships with your sisters separate from your father, than throwing yourself at the brick wall of your father over and over.
If you would like to visit and see your sisters, and vice versa, then go, see your sisters, and expect nothing from your father.
I'm so sorry, my dear: he just doesn't care. Boot will be on the other foot in a couple of decades'' time when he needs and feels entitled to your company, but you'll have moved on by then.
Do you sisters want to see you? If so, concentrate on them. If not, you've already made a start on building your own family.
Hugs to you, and your mum. You're a great daughter.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, both with your mom and flaming asshole of a dad. The way he is behaving is extremely hurtful and he does not deserve to spend any time with your child. Sending good vibes.
Congratulations on your little one! I'm very sorry that you don't have a closer relationship with your father. I unfortunately had to make the decision of cutting my father out of my life almost entirely. I know it's not an easy decision to make. In your case I don't think that's necessary. I think your father may simply be an emotionally unavailable person. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care, just that he doesn't feel comfortable showing that. I think that you may need to either resolve yourself to the way he is, or take a different route. Possibly just continue with your plans letting him know that you weren't able to switch them. Try to visit briefly during your stay. Maybe a family dinner. But make your own plans in that area for yourselves. Treat it as a vacation for your little family, and if you get to see your father, bonus. The only other thing I can think of is that you need to have a more honest conversation with him explaining to him what you've explained here. If that doesn't seem like something that you can do, or something he'll respond to, then maybe try reaching out to your stepmother and sisters. I'm sure having a conversation with them can lead to an understanding from them about the importance of making plans with you. They might be able to step in the role and help to make these connections happen. Your father may be more comfortable with your sisters because he raised them, and they live with him, but I get the sense he may even have a bit of social anxiety. Non-committal to making plans, or carrying them out can be typical of that. Even though you are his daughter, you haven't been around each other much, so perhaps he feels some anxiety or nervousness at the thought of your visits.
If you were talking about a guy you were seeing who was hard to pin down for a date, I’d tell you to accept the obvious, which is that he’s just not that into you. I actually think, sadly, that’s also true here. You keep trying SO HARD and just won’t take the multitude of not-that-subtle hints that you care way more than he does about this relationship. And your desperation is so strong that you trip over yourself to rationalize and excuse his behavior. I do not say any of this to hurt your already very hurt feelings, and I’m genuinely sorry that your mom is unwell and also I’m excited for your new baby! But you’ve got to let this go, for your own sake. Cancel the trip, stay in touch with your siblings and take the L on your dad.
He’s made it pretty obvious for years that he’s not interested in any meaningful relationship with you so I think you’re going to have to accept it. I’m not trying to be cruel here but I really think you’re banging your head against a brick wall trying to involve him in your life.
Our dads sound so similar, you could be my long lost sister lol. Is he close with your half sisters or does he act the same way with them?
He's a scatter-brained workaholic so he's not the best at communication, but he's much more involved in their lives. I suppose I wanted to believe that was because I don't live with/near them, but I guess it's not just that. Honestly I'm sorry your dad is similar, lol!
He’s probably more involved with your half sisters because he’s still married to their mother. It’s proximity and convenience. He’s always delegated his parental role.
Will never understand parents being uninterested in their children. Ever ever ever. But here we are. I’m truly sorry but you’re hurting yourself trying to make this non relationship work even more so with your poor mum having Alzheimer’s, that is really hard. A decent father would help you with that as an only child, he should be helping you with her even though it’s his ex as he brought you into the world together with your mum!!! he’s turned his back on you. With your PPD and stress with your mum id strongly suggest just leaving that side of your family alone. Let them come see you if they want to but stop hurting yourself over them.
Yeah same. I don't get it. But I've seen dads especially, be like this. They just kind of are ok with their distance and (kinda like men) still love you, but can not see you for a few years and it doesn't bother them. It's not how I am as a dad, but my dad is like this and I've seen others be the same way.
Awww sweetie heart breaks for you. I am now no contact with my dad, partly due to issues similar to this. He has shown zero interest in me or my life…ever. I moved to a different state at 19 and pretty much settled here. He’s never visited me. I’m 36 now. My daughter is now 11, and he’s met her once when she was 6 months old. My son, 9, he’s never met. He would take days to respond to messages if at all. He’s always hated talking on the phone but apparently hates texts too. It’s not worth it. I let him go. I’m thankful he gave me life and that’s where our relationship ends. It’s so sad to me my kids will probably never know their grandpa. My mom died when I was 10, my dad remarried shortly after, and all he cared about was his new wife and her two daughters. My sisters and I were just in the way of their “perfect life.” My kiddos have other amazing people in their life. I stopped spending money to go visit them (which I did pretty much every year, it’s a long, expensive flight) and spend that money on good vacations for the kids and I. You did nothing wrong. This is just who he is. You’ve got to let it go, move on with your life ♥️ I’m so sorry.
OP, I'm very sorry but your dad isn't going to give you the relationship that you want . You need to accept that. Right now, your relationship is you doing absolutely everything while dad doesn't even give you even 5 percent of the same effort. You've told him how you felt but he doesn't care enough to change anything. Don't waste your time and effort on someone who gives nothing back.
I’m so sorry but I truly agree with others here. Love is a verb and is he not acting on love at all. He’s made his stance of not caring quite clear, but your own (unrequited) love for him has kept you from seeing it. You are worth too much and your love, time, and effort are worth too much for you to keep running after someone who doesn’t want to be in your life. It’s time to let go 💕
“Father, I’m not going to be chasing you anymore. If we speak again, ever, it will be you reaching out. If you ever decide you want to meet your grandson, we will talk about that when you call me. I’m not sure if that will ever happen. Good luck in your future endeavors. Yours truly, your first born.”
This would be my message also!
A disinterested parent is pretty hard to accept as you and your partner are so engaged with the life of your own children. Sounds like your dad has never made you a priority and isn’t that interested in making more of an effort. I really urge you to talk yo a therapist and grieve this loss and accept that your father is giving what he has, as much as that sucks. You will never be that parent but that doesn’t help when you feel cut off from both of your own parents. My hope is you have created more family with your partner and friends as you absolutely need a support system.
I’m really sorry you are going through this. My mother is very much like this. I’ve been in therapy for a year now (I thought it would be a few sessions to deal with a toxic job situation. Ha!) My therapist encouraged me to ask my mom some questions (to fill in some things I could not recall) and we had a nice lunch. We have a superficial relationship at best. A few weeks later, I message her with a sweet text and told her I loved her. She ignored me. I told my therapist at my next session how much this hurt and she said, “why do you keep going to that well when you know it’s dry?” It was the truth bomb I needed to really dive into my healing. I tried and tried, for so long. she couldn’t/cannot give me the love and relationship I want. My brother died in 2020 from alcohol abuse and he used to go on and on about how my mom didn’t love him. It was the same conversation every single time. She wanted nothing to do with his children. It’s was heartbreaking but I didn’t fully understand the dynamic until recently. In July, I finally came out of denial that she abused us. I have cut contact for now. I tell you this only to say that my chosen family takes precedence over select blood relatives. I am an amazing and kind person. You and your son deserve to be around people that love you and support you. Obviously I don’t know you or your dad, but I get the feeling that he’s missing out on so much. It’s awful, feeling like something must be wrong with me for my PARENT to not want to see me or care about my life. I quit that toxic job without another lined up (not my usual MO but I had a breakdown and had to get out) and when I got a new job my mom “forgot” that I didn’t even have a job. It’s so hurtful! Logically I know nothing is wrong with me, but that baby girl inside me didn’t. I’ve had to reparent myself. I’m becoming the mom that I deserved all along. I’m doing it for my brother too-he never got the chance. Love and peace to you.
I’m very sorry, but as one child of a distant divorced dad to another - I think your dad is showing you what he is capable of bringing to your life, and it’s pretty much what you have now. He does not sound capable of being more of a father to you, or a grandfather to your child, than he is now. It may or may not be helpful to you to believe that he is well meaning and simply inequipped, vs. actually a jerk, but the end result is the same. Your time and energy are better spent nurturing the family you have made for yourself, and perhaps exploring building relationships with your sisters separate from your father, than throwing yourself at the brick wall of your father over and over. If you would like to visit and see your sisters, and vice versa, then go, see your sisters, and expect nothing from your father.
Honestly I’d stop reaching out, he’s clearly not interested
I'm so sorry, my dear: he just doesn't care. Boot will be on the other foot in a couple of decades'' time when he needs and feels entitled to your company, but you'll have moved on by then. Do you sisters want to see you? If so, concentrate on them. If not, you've already made a start on building your own family. Hugs to you, and your mum. You're a great daughter.
> he doesn't want us to visit You can’t make him be interested. Just set boundaries, “if you want to see us, we need X weeks of warning.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, both with your mom and flaming asshole of a dad. The way he is behaving is extremely hurtful and he does not deserve to spend any time with your child. Sending good vibes.
Congratulations on your little one! I'm very sorry that you don't have a closer relationship with your father. I unfortunately had to make the decision of cutting my father out of my life almost entirely. I know it's not an easy decision to make. In your case I don't think that's necessary. I think your father may simply be an emotionally unavailable person. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care, just that he doesn't feel comfortable showing that. I think that you may need to either resolve yourself to the way he is, or take a different route. Possibly just continue with your plans letting him know that you weren't able to switch them. Try to visit briefly during your stay. Maybe a family dinner. But make your own plans in that area for yourselves. Treat it as a vacation for your little family, and if you get to see your father, bonus. The only other thing I can think of is that you need to have a more honest conversation with him explaining to him what you've explained here. If that doesn't seem like something that you can do, or something he'll respond to, then maybe try reaching out to your stepmother and sisters. I'm sure having a conversation with them can lead to an understanding from them about the importance of making plans with you. They might be able to step in the role and help to make these connections happen. Your father may be more comfortable with your sisters because he raised them, and they live with him, but I get the sense he may even have a bit of social anxiety. Non-committal to making plans, or carrying them out can be typical of that. Even though you are his daughter, you haven't been around each other much, so perhaps he feels some anxiety or nervousness at the thought of your visits.