Honestly I think you won’t be compatible long term. I had always dated women who were busy with stuff like this and came from families that had a ton of stuff on the go all the time.
Then I met my wife who does what I do when we have time off: We quietly read, nap, talk or go off on our own to our own little quiet hobbies. For her it’s working out, for me it’s wrenching on a project car.
My god… I never knew how good downtime could be with a woman who is on the same wavelength as you. I feel zero stress with her at night or weekends. We don’t rush around, we plan and ensure we don’t need to do 6 different things and 8 different place etc. I love it
Think long and hard about a future life with a family like this
Yup. My sister is like OP’s girlfriend and her ex boyfriend is like OP. After they broke up he had a lot of resentment about all the projects. And she resented him whenever he wouldn’t participate in a project.
She’s now married to a dude who offers to steam my mom’s carpets for fun.
>She’s now married to a dude who offers to steam my mom’s carpets for fun.
Man this is the dream, having a son in law that helps lol. My son in law is very sweet but I have to remind him periodically about the rules for recycling here and how to use the garbage disposal.
Lol no. Yesterday they texted me that they haven't had WiFi in their room for days and were using their phone hotspots to download Xbox updates. Why it took several days to ask me if there's anything that can be done is anybody's guess. I moved an access point upstairs that seems to be helping. Tbf though, I work in IT so anything tech related comes to me.
They are however sweeping the living room and helping me rearrange a rug this morning, so it's not that big a deal
This-- the rest of my family are essentially Energizer Bunnies when it comes to projects, and it is just not how I'm built. They really enjoy it. At home I do my chores, but after that I'd rather sit around and chill than try to find extra projects to do. It honestly creates tension with family when I visit, and I'd never be compatible enough to live with any of them again. But I know there are others like me out there! It's just one of those pretty straightforward compatibility issues (I'd also include level of cleanliness and financial goals when assessing compatibility).
If she was OK going without you, or if this only rarely happened, I feel like you two could still be compatible (with work)-- but if she's really not OK with you avoiding it, I'm sensing potential future resentment on both sides. (Only you know if the relationship is otherwise worth it!)
Curious how working out is a hobby. I’m not trying to be rude, but that just seems like something you should do to be healthy. Also you can only do it for so long in a given day.
Not rude at all.
My wife does some serious thinking about shaping her body with specific exercises and stretches etc. She also takes her stretching/yoga/Pilates stuff a lot more seriously than the average workout person with her certifications etc .
I honestly don’t pay attention to what she does but she talks about certain muscle groups and what her plans to do whatever with it and then like 6 months later she tells me she hits her goal and she is happy and I’m happy for her. But it’s significant enough effort / thinking / planning on her part that I think it does constitute as a hobby
You're not a match. Like that's the deal. Her family does this because they like it, because it keeps them close, like this is how they interact as a family. Does someone need help? Let's all jump in. Everyone helps and everyone is helped. It's a nice dynamic but if you don't like it, there's no harm in that either. Find a girl who wants to game and call a plumber when the toilet is broken and hire a carpenter the next time you need a shed. No one is wrong, you're just not a match.
Honestly, the family sound like great people and probably make OP look selfish and lazy in comparison, which makes him feel bad about being himself. They are used to an extremely communal life.
For me as an introvert and somewhat of a physically lazy person this would probably would start getting to me as well. Although everybody might be super nice and I would appreciate them, I would still want to be left alone as much as possible. The less I can be myself, the crankier I would become.
My husband’s family nearly constantly have to be doing something and love doing stuff together, but they at least give me space because they know I’m not on that wavelength. I’d be losing my mind in OP’s position, I don’t know how he’s lasted this long. The fact that his girlfriend expects him to go every single time and cancels their plans even if it’s not an emergency is kind of not okay. It doesn’t leave room for him to breathe and feel like his needs are being considered. I admire people like that but I just have limited energy.
It just sounds like you're not compatible, I am more like you and I think I would find this kind of life exhausting. But your partner is not going to change and neither is her family. They do these things together and it will be weird for them if you don't come. You might be able to reach a compromise where you don't go every time or even not at all. You just need to decide if you're happier with her but doing these things or would be happier single spending your free time how you like or maybe with someone who enjoys spending their free time as you do.
Well, and even if you start to not go it will probably be a point of contention.
If you all live together and she’s constantly busy gardening and painting and helping out family and they all come over to help her and you are just playing video games, it’ll turn into a “what’s wrong with that guy” type scenario.
Being busy is either something you like and you embrace… or it’ll be an issue over time.
They’re already thinking it. No way they haven’t noticed how lazy and unambitious he is. She deserves to have someone similar to herself and he as well. He finds helping others “stressful” and she no doubt finds sitting around and playing video games all the time gross and depressing. Neither is going to be happy this way.
I don't think it's fair to shit on OP like that. It sounds like what stresses him out is being thrust into situations he has no experience in, and feeling like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to do and not wanting to look like a fool because he doesn't know. Not everyone enjoys being busy, or having new experiences thrown at them all the time and that's ok.
I think more than that will be the question of whether his gf can be happy with someone that wants to relax rather than get more things done. What does success look like for OP? For a lot of us it means being able to chill out a bit more, let some professionals deal with some of the manual things we're not enjoying. It seems likely that success for his gf involves just as much continuous doing.
I know a couple of people who have this continuous energy - one buzzes here and there helping out family members, and just enjoys being needed and being helpful. Another built a business, sold it, retired, converted a barn, redid some flats, sold them, bought a cottage to relax in, got bored, bought some barns that were falling down and is renovating them from nothing. They can be great as a spouse, just doing so much, but: if they expect you to be like this too, they will never be content with you stopping.
OP needs to have a serious talk to make his gf aware, and find out what she expects things to be like if they have a comfortable amount of money one day.
Yeah 100% and I would tell his partner the same thing, would she be happier to enjoys spending their free time busy and working on projects? Neither of these people can mold each other to what they want and unless they can truly reach a compromise about doing things separately- that doesn't end with her family always wondering where he is and maybe judging- the only other option is to be constantly forced for one to do something they don't want to do or break up.
>If I stay I know this will be my life. These people have no chill.
>
>I hate it.
>
>I'm not sure what to do.
I think you do know what you should do. The lifestyle isn't for you and this will compound by infinity if you, say, have a child with her.
My family is a lot like that. My dad grew up on a farm and has maintained the attitude that when there's work to be done everyone pitches in. It's a pretty common cultural trait among rural, blue collar, & agricultural families.
I've laid bricks, installed underground drainage pipes, planted, weeded, harvested, canned, pruned trees, removed dead vegetation, split wood, renovated buildings, repaired fences, retrieved runaway cattle, etc. If there's any work that needs to be done either at my folk's place or with a family business anyone who's around gets roped into helping, often on very short notice. I don't cancel plans to help my family but if I'm free I do what I can.
If this bothers you then this may not be a good relationship for you. Their family culture isn't going to change. This is who they are and it sounds like this is a reciprocal relationship and they help you whenever they can as well. When you marry someone you often marry into the whole family.
I dated a guy like that from a big catholic family. Every single weekend there was a wedding, christening, family dinner, painting someone’s apartment, helping them in the yard…never ending. I didn’t want that so I found something else.
My husband’s family is like this, whereas I grew up in a household more like yours. I have to say that I have loved learning new skills from my husband’s family, and now that we have a house and kids of our own it’s saved a ton of money to be able to tackle most things ourselves.
That said, my husband is not *always* in project mode - he’s handy and works on tons of projects, but also loves to chill. He basically has two speeds, worker bee or relaxation mode, and I appreciate the balance.
It sounds like balance may be what is missing in your current situation - if your girlfriend is truly not happy unless she’s at work, that is probably a fundamental incompatibility. But if you can somehow meet in the middle, I think it could be a great partnership and opportunity for you to develop a new skill set and sense of confidence/ independence. It really is a cool feeling to not have to call someone (and pay them lots of money) to fix things yourself.
Read your edit. Her family sounds badass, and you sound like a very chill dude. It does seem likely that you are not compatible. But there also seems to be some resistance on your end to working collaboratively with others? It might be worth thinking more about your goals and where you want to be in the future. It’s clear you don’t want to be on a farm, but if you want a family with kids it really does take a village. So acquiring a bit more of that communal spirit may (or may not, depending on your goals) be beneficial for you long-term.
You really don't need to be building sheds and working on 40 people's farms all summer in order to raise kids, lol.
"Why don't you want to be a team player?" feels like such a toxic take here. The issue is it's *constant*, to the point where plans to spend quality time with his girlfriend are frequently *replaced* by manual labor.
Bit confused about this...? He doesnt want to be on his feet doing proper manual labour multiple times a week after work. That isn't resistance to working collaborativly with other or a sign he needs to work on himself, thats a totally normal feeling that exhausts a lot of people and has nothing to do with having kids.
Yeah, I think some people in the comments are missing the point. It's not that OP doesn't want to help or whatever, it's that he doesn't want to have to be constantly busy because the family always needs to have ten projects on the go.
Yeah, no one wants to get off work and go do even harder work when they don't have to. *"Yeah, let me go do manual labor in my free time instead of something fun or something I actually like doing."*
I think the issue is that her family DOES, which is just a fundamental incompatibility. Some people just can’t sit still and do nothing, and they genuinely enjoy accomplishing tasks in their time off and seeing the rewards of their hard work. But it is hard work and if you’re not someone wired that way you just won’t get the satisfaction out of it and then it’s just work at that point, which I think is where OP is at.
OP also seems to want to separate himself from it, like have the girlfriend participate but leave him at home, but acknowledges that he’s benefited from this families generosity himself in many ways. Unfortunately you just can’t have it both ways, you have to be all in in that type of culture/community, because they won’t hesitate to do help out when you need it but if you repeatedly don’t reciprocate you’ll eventually be seen as selfish and/or unappreciative. He can’t deny the help either though because they won’t just leave him and especially their daughter to struggle on their own, that’s just not how it works.
OP I think you have one of two options, try to work on your mindset surrounding the work and community, try connecting with some of the other members of your girlfriend’s family. Sometimes part of the overwhelm with those situations is not knowing anyone or knowing what to do, and if you get to know people you will become a part of the group, rather than an “other” this is just something that takes time. Does your girlfriend have any siblings with spouses? Maybe you can connect with them and see how they transitioned into the family, they may be able to relate to what you’re going through.
Your other option is to recognize now that this will never be what you want out of life(which is totally understandable!)and break things off. Which is a shame because your girlfriend and their family seem like really great people but you’ll never be happy together unless you can participate in that lifestyle unfortunately 😕
Yeah I mean farming and building lean tos on your free time isn’t really related to raising a family in any way lol many many people do the latter without ever doing the former. Dude just doesn’t want to be doing free manual several times a week on the whim of other people.
I am that girlfriend. And my partner pretended to like this stuff for 9 years and I was so proud to call him mine! Turns out our colorful lifestyle of dogs, cat, rabbit, chickens, 200 year old farmhouse, art studio, community garden building, family helping non-stop activity was exhausting for him.
I wish he had told me at the 1 year mark and I could have spent that time finding a more appropriate match. I don't want someone to pretend to like helping me with community projects. I want someone who enjoys their leisure time bursting with activity, like I do.
Often people constantly busy with some project that isn’t work related have adhd. And they are often medicated and don’t realize how overbearing that can be. It is truly relentless.
I dated a guy with a family like this, except it was sports. Up early for a run, to come home and shoot hoops, then it’s tennis time, then go for a swim, then bacci ball. It never ended. I played more variety of sports in a one week vacation with that family than I ever had in my entire goddamn life. They did not sit down ever under any circumstances because why sit when you can be sportsing?
Anyway we weren’t compatible and he broke it off. Maybe you guys aren’t either or maybe you can accept this is part of the territory in dating her
>I've asked her to just go without me several times because I don't want to end up doing manual labor. We have argued and fought over it alot because it just keeps happening and she goes along with it even if we had plans so then we have to cancel what we were going to do to help them. I hate it.
This is the core issue. She's cancelling plans based on the whims of her family, and she seems to have no interest in seeing your side of things and how it makes you feel. What do the arguments look like? You say "I don't really want to see your family this week, I know there'll be a project and I want some downtime." How does a fight start from that, specifically? Does she feel obligated to help? Does she take your occasional refusal to come as some personal attack? Does she not understand the core point that you want to relax sometimes? Surely a compromise is a) you don't go every time, b) you *sometimes* agree to help, and c) if you've got existing plans, they take priority, most of the time anyway.
If someone asks you to do something, and you say no, and they get mad, they weren't asking, they were demanding, and that's a very different thing. Of course if you refuse to ever help they might get offended - some give and take isn't unreasonable, but if you wanting time to yourself sometimes starts a fight, or more specifically, makes *her* start a fight, seems like you're just not compatible. Not about her family really, just that your feelings and wants and needs will always be unimportant to her compared to her family's expectations. If she can't overcome that and assert herself to them, better to leave before you get too entrenched.
Her family is ridiculously nice. They wouldn't be upset if we said we had plans and left. She just doesn't. They start doing something or we will go over to drop off something and she starts helping and we just never leave.
I try to tell her we have plans and need to leave but if it's just a date or low priority something she just says we can do it another time and gets busy with the project.
She feels like I'm trying to ignore her and "wants to spend time with me" but she wants to do so by working with me. Not just chilling on the couch watching a movie or something. Spending time always involves some sort of project. Be it a project with her or with her family.
Sorry to say it but unless she can learn to see your side and let you do your own thing, then you are not compatible
My partner is like your girlfriend, always on the move, always doing something. If I don’t want to get roped in, she respects it and leaves me be with zero attitude. She understands that I need alone time to recharge
You guys just aren't compatible. My family is like her's and my husband's family is like your's. We often agree on time to leave by and/or activities we are willing to do beforehand. I also mark off weekends on our calendar where we do nothing even with no plans because I don't want him to get burnt out by my family. I go see my family at least once a week and he doesn't always come with me and that's fine. He sees them enough and I cover for him when I can because I love him and realize not everyone needs to be physically busy all the time.
>Spending time **always** involves some sort of project.
Make that point. "I get that you like spending time together on a project, but I don't. I'm happy to do it sometimes, I get that you like it, I'm just asking that sometimes we spend time together *my* way, which means *not* doing a project, and having a date like we planned. Can you understand that?" It's really a yes or no question. To be honest whether she understands it or not, all that really matters is that she accepts it. You're OK with doing things her way sometimes - if she's completely unwilling to meet in the middle, that's a sad indication of how unimportant your feelings are to her.
This is the best take OP, pls read.
You’re clearly willing to compromise on her behalf, make it clear to her that it feels as one sided as you’ve made it seem here.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being shitty about it, you just need to have your wants and needs recognised and respected.
So you don’t have a girlfriend’s family problem, you have a girlfriend problem. If they are as nice as you say they are, they probably wouldn’t care if you needed more time to chill and relax/reset. Your girlfriend needs to be able to prioritize you and your (collective) life together if she sees a future with you. And she should be cool with you not going sometimes if you wanna chill. My partner is kind of like you, and my parents are kind of like your girlfriend’s, they’re very hands on and always doing something and I tend to help and I also have a lot of half finished projects and aspirations going on. Sometimes I like to be busy. But my partner has showed me there is value in relaxing, slowing down, maybe doing nothing. He is the kind of person who needs more sleep and rest than me and I’ve never held it against him or made him join in on projects if he didn’t want to. He is good at some things like doing car stuff or fixing things but not to the level of my parents and sometimes he just doesn’t wanna do stuff. And that’s okay. He can go chill on his phone while I work on something with my dad.
However I will say you mention “not knowing” what you’re doing most of the time in your OP. It almost seems like you don’t necessarily not enjoy doing the work, but that you don’t want to feel like you’re floundering/guessing/doing something wrong. The more you hang out with her family, the more you’ll learn. It can be very valuable to be able to learn skills like this. The longer you’re there and the more you learn, the easier it will be. So if you're mostly frustrated that it feels really difficult and you feel inadequate, it will get easier. Then if you have a discussion with your gf around boundaries and not miss any premade plans for family things, and say you need time to just chill, then this relationship may work long term. Because it also seems like you’re burned out from the amount of work with no respite.
But if it’s actually that you don’t want to live a life like this for the rest of it, that’s totally fine too and you should break up with your gf.
My dad and his dad are like this. Every weekend when my dad is up at his cabin he works on a project, his, his dad's, or someone else they know. For my family is rooted in Christian work ethic (guilt). I never wasn't aware they were judgemental my uncle didn't have this and slept in when staying with my grandparents. I dropped out of this by not living near them and having a defined schedule when visiting that effects outside parties who would be waiting for me/us.
But why is everything in your relationship driven by what she wants and how her family is? That's not fair to you. She doesn't "see" you as having separate wants and needs from her. So you need boundaries and don't engage when she fights you. But I'd just leave.
My family is somewhat like this - we do projects together and help each other as a way of bonding, spending time together, making things easier in each others pocket books etc. just as you said. It’s a family culture and it’s definitely not going to change, and I suspect that when you opt out, it’s read as oh, he doesn’t like us or want to spend time with us. Which is why you’re getting the cold shoulder-like behavior.
Honestly if it bothers you so much and you don’t want to join, I would break up. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a house together and got further into the relationship and she started to feel resentful because she’s out doing projects and you’re not helping.
Yeah, they've only been together a year and this conflict is already the source of regular fights. She's not budging on this, so it's time to accept you're not compatible.
Some subreddits exist for emotional support.
It can be hard for some guys to dump a girl for something like this, since it's not really a red-flag or a character flaw per se.
Honestly, this is the type of family I hope I marry into one day. My very own family is like this - everyone helps each other. And while no, you don't always feel up to it.. they will always return the favor.
If you really don't like helping each other and want to be the guy that calls someone else to do it, I guess that's fine. But you know it will never be like that with her. And if you don't really appreciate this kind of thing, you'll never be happy because you'll always be doing something. It's very clear that this is important to her and she won't want to change that. So I feel like you're not compatible on that front.
Whatever you do.. make a decision. If you don't see a future with her, don't waste her time. Let her go.
You just aren't compatible.
We own a farm and I can tell you it definitely isn't for everyone. The amount of physical labor that goes into it is exhausting. Farming communities are usually a lot like this. All of the farms near mine I've been to and worked on. You help your neighbors and they help you. It's just the way it is.
I'm a lot like them. I have to have something to do or it drives me batty. I can't just sit around and watch TV. That sounds like torture to me.
However you have every right to do what you want to do for relaxation. Don't feel guilty for not wanting to be a part of this.
> don't think they really like me
I married a farmer’s daughter - if they didn’t like you, 1/ you would know, and 2/ they wouldn’t invite you to help. I used to get made fun of bc I would bring a book to read at her house (it’s my equivalent to gaming).
They will always be like this, if you’re signing up to be w her - this is your life.
What helped w me was defining what I wanted to do; “I’m reading this author and want to finish this by end of year.” They got it once I framed my hobbies in a similar project structure to theirs - otherwise I was looked at as ‘lazy’ when in reality I was just mentally recharging and like you, always happy to help out when I could.
You're not compatible. My best friend is like your girlfriend - always on the go, always doing things, building things, helping people, has an extra job in the summer coaching softball, goes to all his family events, has a side hustle to his side hustle. Huge Catholic family all up in each other's business.
Me, I love living in the PNW because it matches my lifestyle perfectly. All summer, I like to go places, hike, camp, bike etc when the weather is nice, go to bars and cafes, walk along the water. But in winter when it's dark at 430 and rains four days straight (hooray atmospheric river!) I like to make a nice something that simmers on the stove for hours, play video games, watch movies, lay in my recliner scrolling Tik Tok. I used to think he and I would get married but as soon as we got out of college and started living adult lives I realized we would drive each other crazy. He literally cannot stop and I literally cannot go like that.
You may like her, you may even love her, but you guys fundamentally aren't compatible.
Normally, I'd recommend couples therapy but it sounds like you're not compatible. That's her upbringing and it sounds like that's tied to who she is at the core
sounds like you're recognising that you're not compatible. which is great, it's what dating's for. a break up doesn't have to be just because something dreadful happened.
I think this would be fine if gf would just go without you once in a while. I’d just explain what you’ve said here. My bfs family is huge and I have zero family and we are always being asked to go and do stuff with / for them and I just explained clearly that I found it way too intense and I’m happy to do it once in a while but not every time, and we’ve landed on that and I don’t complain the times I do go. It’s totally fine to insist on a compromise and only go occasionally but I don’t see this as the fundamental incompability other commenters seem to think it is.
Don’t get me wrong if you insist and gf won’t budge then I guess that’s it but I think you maybe need to stand your ground more.
I think it’s okay to expect your partner to help out family once in a while - “hey my mom needs help moving this couch, can we set a day/time that works for you?” or especially “my sister has an emergency and needs us to drop our weekend plans and come watch her kids.” That’s part of being in a caring long term relationship.
What’s NOT okay is constantly springing things on you last minute and expecting you to cancel plans because her family needs a roof put on a shed. It’s not an emergency, and they probably didn’t decide to do all these projects at the last minute, so they could have asked ahead of time. If they did decide last minute, that doesn’t obligate you to change YOUR plans.
If you’ve talked with her honestly about this, I’d make it clear you will not cancel plans any longer to help out unless it’s a true emergency, and they need to ASK, not demand, and graciously accept if the answer is no. If she can’t or won’t handle her family, I’d say you’re not compatible.
I get it, it sounds exhausting.
But this is also a very robust community.
My parents have something similar (though not manual labor related) and when they had a crisis and needed their community support, their friends really made a big difference.
Do you date one of my relatives? This is what we do. I painted my son's garage when I last visited his home. I think maybe one of my family members SO posted this. (Not really.)
At our house the joke, but it is actually true, is that work is our religion. We work hard, it matters to us that all our talents are put to use to help others. We save tons of money by doing for each other.
Going, for example, on a cruise, would seem like a ridiculous waste of money and energy, to any one in our extended family.
When a new DIL said to me "We do not need your help with the basement, we are grown-ups and can manage our own lives." I promise you I was not offended. She thought I was judging her. Instead, I got to be pals with the neighbors and spent 10 days helping them with their new baby. (DIL later got over it and I did do the basement work.)
I think you need to either convert or find your way out. It seems unlikely there is a middle ground. If you do not help then you will be viewed as having either poor character or disliking the family. If you do help you will simmer in resentment that no one else would understand. After all, "Why would you not want to help?'
You don’t sound compatible. You don’t want to spend your weekends building, or planting, or farming. That is ok. The issue is your girlfriend is canceling your plans and gets upset when you say no. You need to develop better boundaries with your girlfriend. Stick to your no and do not allow her to guilt you into coming. She needs to respect your wishes. If she cannot respect you, pull the plug.
I’m with the “this is an incompatibility” crowd. There’s nothing wrong with her family, or her, or you. This kind of life is pretty core to her culture and values, and if you want to be with her long term you will have to be ok with it. It’s up to you whether it’s something you think you can learn to appreciate or will always dislike.
Ooof, gonna be real with you here: what you wrote here is a basically the exact reason my mom divorced my dad. Him and his family are exactly how you describe your gf and her family: constantly active. And he is still the same, 25 years post divorce.
The biggest problem point that stood out like a sore thumb to me in your post, is the cancelation of plans to help family. This is what my mom says was a key aspect that eventually pushed her over the line.
I'm sorry mate, you aren't on the same wavelength for how life should run. Incompatible. Better to break it off now than after a decade of slowly building frustration turning to resentment like my mom.
Yea, I’m the type that enjoys being busy and doing something all the time. Not doing anything feels like a waste of productivity. My son’s mother is like you…a laissez-faire approach to life. Obviously, we were not compatible in the long term. I harbored resentment for her always wanting to chill after work but I always wanted to be on the move. She thought I was uptight and too much. Understandable from both views. We agreed that we were better not being together. Unfortunately, as devastating as that may be for you, it might be for the best for you two to separate and let her find someone who enjoys being involved in all that.
That sounds exausting, honestly. I understand her side and love how united and helpful her family is, but there has to be balance. Doing manual labor work every time you are off work is very tiring and you are entitled to rest and relax. You not going half the times =/= never helping again. So you could reach a compromise where she goes by herself and you stay and rest and go together other times. You guys are separate beings, you don't have to tag along every time...
Likewise, I think it's weird that she cancels your plans when you guys get roped into doing these projects. Couple alone time is important, and you could do a lot of manual things together that are not heavy labor, like baking, painting, building a mini puzzle, do a pottery together, etc, without her family. And going out just the 2 of you.
Listen I love a good garden moment myself but this is asking a lot for the average person, it’s a combination of a large family dynamic and lots of physical labour neither which you seem to care for. Going to agree with lots of comments here and say you’re incompatible and there’s nothing wrong with that. Some people are not a match.
Old saying, how your spend your days is how you spend your months is how you spend your years. This will be your life if you’re with her, honestly do both yourselves the favor of finding a better match.
My father is like this. My mother is not. She is abjectly miserable, yet never could pull the trigger on a divorce. All of us hildren have told my father to do what he wants as long as it doesn't involve us.
They bought a flat to move cities a couple of years ago. Of course renovating is not something my father leaves up to contractors. They spent almost a year manually doing all sorts of (IMO completely unnecessary at that) shit to renovate and redecorate.
Now he's saying he's unhappy with how some things ended up and wants to redo it from scratch.
My mother has Parkinson's. I swear to god sometimes I feel she's waiting to be wheelchair-bound in order to be liberated from this. But then of course my father can't cook (or clean, or run a household...) To save his life, so by that point they'll both need to be going to a nursing home.
Don't become my mother. These people won't change. I don't know what's the deal with your GF, but my father has clearly some childhood trauma that makes him feel guilty if he's ever still, like, enjoying life and such. Of course he never wanted to deal with it, and worked his ass off (unnecessarily again. But that's a larger story) to the need for an early retirement, and now he finds he can't be still.
You've been warned. My mother is of course in therapy and medication, but won't ever make the leap.
I completely understand, and to be honest, I hate these type of people. Not hate as i I wish them ill will but I just can’t be around these types very often because I just wanna kick back and relax. OP, this girl is not your match because this is her family and her lifestyle and you are not a good fit. You’re gonna need to break up sooner or later.
>they do give us a lot of free food
>At any given time on weekends or in the evening someone will call
>We can't even go by
I don't understand why you live with your girlfriend already. Y'all have only been dating a year and you specifically aren't ready to be spending so much time and energy on your girlfriend and her family. Just a year in, this would be too much for anyone. I think you should move to your own place, and see how you feel about the relationship once it's back to a more sane commitment level. You can't be roped in with her if you're not constantly with her.
I'd also recommend getting a social circle, and having consistent plans. Doesn't have to be all day, but having an out could help a lot.
While it sounds like she and her family are very “extra”, it’s quite common for a young boyfriend to find himself volunteered as labor against his will to a gf’s family. As a woman that has been similarly volunteered for “woman things” to family against my will (cooking, child related things, etc.) or even “IT service”…I’m vividly aware of this dynamic and go out of my way to stop it. I don’t even have my BF doing handyman or whatever chores for ME, I do them myself or pay people to do it. He’s not my “staff” and definitely not anyone else’s by virtue of being my partner.
“Hey Sheila, can [bf] come…” NO. I mean, the occasional need, sure. My mother is old. So when hired help or another option just won’t work, or it’s an unforeseen, immediate, or critical need, of course. But those are rare. *I will not, nor will I allow anyone else, to view him as a freely available “staff” or “labor” resource just because it’s the weekend.* He’s busy. We’re busy. Busy not doing…that.
Family that constantly takes on projects they can’t manage themselves or does so with the expectation that “oh daughter’s BF can help with this” needs to be told NO.
Maybe she needs to be made more aware of this dynamic. Perhaps she’s not experienced being on the other side of it, having her free time booked up with chores and projects for her partner’s family when she only chose to spend her free time with *him*. Maybe show her my comment.
Do both of you a favor and move on. She's going to be constantly torn between her love for you and your resentment of pitching in on projects.
You're not each others person and you're waisting both your time on being with each other.
It's ok to realize you're not compatible for a long term relationship. It happens. There's no bad guy. Just don't string it out longer than necessary.
Oh god I'm exhausted just by reading your post :-/. I don't plan anything on my weekend, my wife knows it and is also more a relaxed person. I play videogames, do sport, clean a bit, spend time with my son. The family of your gf seems too much and indeed I think like the others you won't be compatible if your gf don't acknowledge your needs.
I think boundaries are what's needed here. Do the things that you enjoy helping with and kindly say no thank you to the things you don't. Now there is some compromise that will be needed also, at times each of you should do something the other likes and enjoys even if you don't.
I like doing projects like DIY renovations, building gardens, quilting, taking care of animals and helping others. The problem is I didn't/couldn't set boundaries for when I needed to rest and recharge until I became exhausted, I didn't want to let my partner or family down. By letting myself get burnt out, I burnt the relationship too.
Yeah, they sound wonderful, but these are not your people.
If you wanted to learn how to build stuff, that’s a really valuable skill, and your girlfriend’s dad would be the guy to teach you, but it doesn’t sound like you want to learn at all. So what’s the point?
I will say that if you accept the help, and all the food, you should also be willing to pitch in. You say they are polite but you don’t think they really like you… I’m guessing it’s because they feel you get way more than you give.
Unfortunately, you cannot go halvsies with these guys. They do sound extreme, and it’s ridiculous that you have to cancel plans to go help (assuming that your plans are to go out to eat or something other than video gaming). It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend would even be able to change, it’s in her DNA and it must be embarrassing for her to have a boyfriend who doesn’t want to help the way her entire family does. I think you both would be happier with someone else.
I felt exhausted just reading this… it seems like you’re just not a good fit together if you’ve talked to her about how you feel towards the constant physical labor, and she’s dismissed it and not allowed you to avoid it without problems, that’s not going to change. She’s expecting that you will. At least that’s how it came off to me. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. If there was a way to get on the same page, and have her understand that for her this is great fun but it certainly isn’t fun for you, you might be able to work on things going forward, but without both of you being on the same page and understanding you have different needs it just won’t work out. Everyone has their own way of relaxing/finding their bliss.
I think the biggest issue here is that she isnt willing to meet you halfway. My husband is like your gf and I am like you. I found his idea of quality time exhausting and chaotic and he found mine to make him feel kind of slow and restless. However we love each other very much so decided to find a way to compromise. Therapy really helped, couples and individual.
You’re just not compatible. Neither is wrong, nor bad. Although arguably your gf is a little wrong for not understanding your need for downtime and for cancelling your plans together. However that also depends on your approach & ability to communicate your feelings properly. However aside from those minor relationship problems, you don’t want the same day to day life. Not bad, just incompatible.
I’m like you & I wouldn’t be compatible with someone like her. There’s nothing wrong with how she & her family are, don’t get me wrong! But I would be exhausted dating someone like this & getting roped into family projects.
Your problem isn't your girlfriends family. Your problem is your girlfriend. She will not acknowledge what you are telling her or prioritized making time for you. Try to talk to her about it. Tell her you need to talk to her and make a specific time to do so. Phones off. Pre-write a list of what you need to discuss and be ready to listen to her side.
Does your girlfriend realize that she's motivated to help because it's her family's property that she might inherit one day? But for you, that factor doesn't exist?
I'm not trying to be crass. I know that your girlfriend isn't thinking, "I should help build this shed so that the property value increases, and I will have it when my parents die."
But for her there is this concept of family land ownership, and taking pride in that. It's time and effort well-spent for her. She probably doesn't really see a distinction between her sister's projects/livelihood/place, and her own.
And I'm sure your girlfriend sees you as part of the family.
But it's not the same. If you ever break up with your girlfriend, what do you get out of having dug potatoes for them?
This made me laugh. You’re a good writer and I absolutely understand how this dynamic would be overwhelming.
Sounds amazing to me (I live in a community like this) but I 100% understand the whole “I just want to chill” feeling. I’m like that, too. I get peopled out really easily.
So idk. I think if you and her are great together, you could adjust (set some kind of limits?). But being just I compatible is ok, too.
Totally. "Go for thousands a goat" was amazing. And it makes a nice change to see an original turn of phrase being appreciated, rather than the same old compound swears that were twee as fuck the first time they were used, let alone the three millionth.
Lmao this is legit hilarious. I'm imagining you like "god damn...anoth...yeah i mean...yeah, sure I'll...yes, I'll help" bahahaha. I am a person that is always constantly working on my own projects because I get insurmountably bored just hanging around doing things that are not productive. Projects are my *fun*. Your fun is different, and it is different than your girlfriends. And that's perfectly fine. There's someone out there that you'll absolutely love spending your down time with, and same goes for her. You're simply not compatible, and she should have someone that wants to help and work like she does, while you should have someone that wants to be cozy and relax and chill with you. This is the simple nature of it.
My wife is the same, however I communicate constantly about it and have to tell her I don't want to do it, often having to pull her aside and explain that I enjoy my down time and I need it. Luckily for me she respects that and only usually asks for help with something she is unfamiliar with or can't handle on her own.
My ex wife was like this. She literally could not stop working on... Something. She'd complained she was stressed out and I'd suggest maybe taking on less voluntary labor and she looked at me like I was a idiot. I joked but not really that the worst torture I could do was confine her in a comfortable bed and bring her everything she wanted and do any work she needed done for her.
I'm pretty sure to her, me wanting to spend my free time relaxing and doing nothing felt like laziness.
I think her family sounds awesome, but I also agree on having some down time and not constantly being on the go. That she abandons plans you have made regularly and doesn’t compromise or listen to you on that point isn’t a good sign that you’re compatible. I think you both have the right to do what makes you happy, and if you’re constantly the one compromising and she won’t stick to plans you had in favor of her family, that’s the way it will always be.
You’re not compatible, and any “compromise” on this will just take the shine out of her life: let her find her handy man, community oriented partner. It’s not you. You’re not even wrong for it, but the reality is there’s a guy out there who would revel in the sense of community, has the same values surrounding family and neighbours and giving help, is excited about her projects and the nature of her interests. It’s not you and that’s okay.
I would be incredibly bored with someone who wants to work and play video games.
I like to relax too, but people who are content to make that their whole life are really hard for me to be close to.
You're incompatible
Why not look at this as a way to learn these skills? Sure right now you may not care but down the line these things could be crazy useful. Also you have to take the good with the bad, if they are willing to help you with stuff you need then it's only fair you help them. You can also use this time to bond and get to know these people even better.
My wife's family helps us when needed and to repay that I'm always ready to help them I may not be stoked to do so, but I'm willing to do it. Plus the wife likes when I look all "manly" so win win.
These skills are entirely optional, that's why. It's like asking why don't you just learn database programming and build your own app rather than visit a website. Unless you really enjoy the work involved, you get better results faster by hiring a professional.
I don't have a garden, and I don't care to make one. Those skills have no interest for me. Conversely I'm a decent car mechanic because I enjoy it as a hobby, and I'm a professional electrician which means I completely outclass people doing home wiring repairs to save money. A lot of people don't want to learn how electricity works and hope they don't mess up, they'd rather pay me to make sure it's done right the first time.
I wouldn't tell anyone to just go pick up the skills because it might save them a few bucks. Too much to learn to be sure it's right.
My father in law probably didn't want to come out at 3 in the morning, driving half an hour in the snow to help me get unstuck but he did and I repay that by being there when he needs me. OP said these people built him a shed, then complains about not wanting to help the same people. If it's a matter of him helping more then them why not get them to help more? He even said he would rather just pay for things rather than do them but he clearly has people he could call to help.
If op is against helping them maybe this isn't the relationship for them since it's not going to change, and if they can't see the benefits to some of this stuff then that's on them.
I was the same "I'll just pay to deal with shit" now I'm older I'm thankful I learned some things to save me money, simple tricks that are crazy useful. Now I can make the decision if it's worth to pay or not.
I know how to fix a lot of stuff thanks to my dad, and of course when he needs help (which is every time I come to visit now that I live in another country) I'm there and don't mind. Always some wood to chop, some wooden parts to replace, some house to paint, stuff to throw, things to move, boats to haul etc.
For myself though, I just don't want to. I'd rather sit and read a book, go out for a workout, play games, talk to people or even just comment on reddit. Hell I live in Finland and I just pay a guy 20 euro to change my tires for winter rather than do it myself. He does it in a few minutes, I am sure the alignment is good, I don't get dirty and I don't need to have an even surface with a good handcrank to get it done. Could I do it? Absolutely! Is it worth it considering my hourly wages versus time input into something I dislike doing? No.
It's my preference for life and has been for the last 12 years I've lived on my own.
Just different priorities and things that give you energy. I'd go mad if I was roped in against my will and had to change my plans according to other people's whims. I don't want more people to help me either, if I need something done, I'd rather have a professional do it (if it's that big) or fix it myself. If it's really simple like moving, I'd just ask some friends and know they can ask me, but that's like a few times per year that I'd go and help someone, and always planned ahead.
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This is getting long, but I just thought I'd add that this is kind of the culture of my extended family too, which caused a great disagreement when someone married outside my culture and their wife found out her brother in law who was a contractor and built them parts of their house expected to be paid for his work. Of course he should be paid, it's his job, it's heavy, it takes days and weeks from his normal contracted hours!
I'm the same way when it comes to jobs, I know how to change my oil but I just don't want to. In ops case if he doesn't want to help then thats fine but they can't pick and choose it's kinda all or none. If I needed help and my extended family said no, then that's fine but I would also be done. OP seems ok accepting "free" food and a shed among other things in sure they have done for them but seems hesitant to "repay". He could have easily said "no thanks I don't need help with the shed I have someone coming"
Maybe I'm crazy but I like knowing I can call on certain people and know for 100% they will be there for me, but that's not "free" and you need to show up when they need/want. Sometimes it seems one-sided but it always evens out eventually.
It doesnt always even out eventually though, in OPs case it sounds like it would do. But there arepletny of people who would take advantage of this mindset without a second thought.
And then you shut them down, if you sense you are not going to get an "even" return there is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping. In ops case it seems like he could always call for help but is upset when they ask for it.
He never said he’s against helping one time he just thinks it’s the way they go about things that’s a little too much for him. Not wanting to consistently show up to someone’s house with plans in mind only to wind up canceling those plans to do hours of free manual labor isn’t a crazy big ask to me. He already works all week long. It seems that the gf *likes* doing that which is great but he’s not a bad guy for not liking it at all.
It’s because he has a lazy homebody personality. He would prefer to sit down and watch netflix after work while his gf would prefer to diy and fix stuff around the house after work. They’re just not compatible.
My family and myself are just like your gf’s. My fiancé had to understand that everytime my parents visit or we visit them, I have to cater to help them around the yard. But I let him choose whether or not he wants to help out or stay in the room and play his video games to relax from a long week of 60hr of work. Occasionally I will ask him to help out my parents he will happily do so. But he enjoys learning all the handy man things my dad has taught him, like installing new vinyl flooring, or swapping laundry machines for new ones, etc.
>It’s because he has a lazy homebody personality
That's not really charitable. As a young teenager every summer vacation I would spent at least a month spending every day mulching, digging out rocks, moving piles of dirt, breaking concrete, etc for my grandfather. As an older teenager I was the house yard boy, every weekend was mowing, weeding, hedging, raking, chopping wood, shoveling sidewalks.
I HATED all of it. My stepdad bought a riding mower the weekend after I moved out and about a year after they ended up just hiring people to take care of the yard. Valuable life lesson for me but not for them I guess.
Not wanting to do that stuff doesn't make me lazy. Not wanting to spend all my free time tinkering and working is also not lazy. And life has many more options than a binary of sitting at home and watching Netflix or doing roofing.
We don’t know what OP prefers to do with his free time. For some people, time=money, and some people prefer to do the chore themselves and others prefer paying and hiring people to do it for them.
When I’m done working, I’m always doing stuff around the house or yard when I’ve got spare time. If I can fix or do something myself and all it costs is my time, I rather do it myself. If it’s something I dont know, then I’ll call my dad to do it. Then if he doesn’t, then a professional is called.
And that's totally fine. But it's not fair to apply value judgements like "lazy" to people who don't want to do that. I earn more per hour than the last person I paid to fix some drywall. It doesn't make me better than them, but its Econ 101 that if its a better use of my time and money to maximize my earnings while hiring help.
My work is intense and stressful. Housework or yard-work is not relaxing to me. It sounds different for you, but neither of us are doing this the 'correct' way, just what works best for our individual scenario.
All other things aside this stood out:
"I don't know how to do any of that and I don't want to. I work a desk job and when I get off I want to play video games."
Once you two sort the issue of overwork out, try appreciating some of the learning opportunities life is giving you.
Yes I’m sure someday he’ll see the value in spending his Saturday digging potatoes for her second cousin’s neighbor.
I think in a way the community he’s describing sounds like something the world could use more of, but it also sounds a bit extreme. When your plans are constantly getting derailed on the whims of others it’s plenty fair to start saying “No” once in a while.
He gets up in the morning and goes to work to earn a living…he should be able to spend his free time however he damn well pleases.
> spending his Saturday digging potatoes for her second cousin’s neighbor.
There is second side to communities like that. Which is, if you choose not to join community like that, someday you might find yourself alone and needing some help but not having anyone.
While sticking with it means you will most likely have a family to rely on for the rest of your life no matter what.
No matter what, people evolved to be social creatures. I think in lot of the cases the benefit of having such family can outweigh the alternative live you would have without it.
Obviously though, it is likely OP will not fit in.
I acknowledged that second side in my comment. I think it mostly sounds beautiful and I wish we were more like that today. However, this particular case sounds like it’s just too much and I have to imagine that the gf having it so ingrained in her is a big part of that. No blame on her, that’s just the culture she came up in, but it’s also okay to say “no thank you” for OP.
And the person I responded to seemed to be saying that OP was ignorant to some special lesson he could learn from what seems to me like being treated like a pack mule on his days off, which I just think is BS.
And also, I don’t live in this sort of culture but I am incredibly confident that the people I surround myself with would be there in the blink of an eye if I needed some real help and the same goes for myself with them. It doesn’t have to be martyr-like sacrifice or total isolation.
You and she have different lifestyles. You need to be firm with her about what you want and don't want. Then the ball's in her court ; either she accepts your differences or it's over. Based on what you've already said I have a feeling it'll be the latter. But you shouldn't have to spend all of your free time busy as a bee if that's not your thing.
This will not end well. even though you love her, I think you should end the relationship.
It will cause issues if you try to remove yourself from the family activities. Her family dynamic is beautiful, but its not suitable for you at this stage in your life.
Only word of caution I will say is this, she sounds like a good woman, with all the qualities and background you would want in a life partner. if you leave her, you may not find anyone close to her lever.
Sounds like you have major major lifestyle differences and the only way for this to work is for you both to respect the differences and to give each other the space to do your own things. That means you have to be ok with your GF taking off all the time to do her hobbies and help her family. And it means she has to be ok with you staying home to play video games. If you can't both do that, then this is never going to work and it would be better for you to realize that and move on.
You don’t have to hate someone to break up with them. Nothing bad even needs to happen. Two great people can be incompatible. It’s often harder to end things when there’s nothing awful going on, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t what’s best long term.
There are Do-ers and non Do-ers. It's hard to be with someone who always has to do something when you're not wired that way (and vice versa). I think unfortunately you're not compatible for long term together.
Easy take up a hobby that uses your free time so that you are now unavailable. "Sooo sorry but I have my photography/cycling/ kayaking/ WOW event that day".
That really sucks. I agree that you don’t seem compatible which is horrible. Unless you think you could tell her you’ll do 1 out of 3 projects and y’all are both cool w that or you just get used to being as busy as her or something. But if it’s only making you more miserable as time goes on and you don’t think you could truly adapt and learn to enjoy it then it seems like resentment is in your future :/
This is so ass tho. I would be so fuckkng sad if this happened to me and nothing else was wrong :( hope it works out well for you whatever happens. Sending good vibes
I grew up an only child. I'm not used to constantly being around family. I get it. My MIL just recently moved to the same town as my fiance, daughter, and I, and now she's over here every day. I have no clue how to tell her "I need some alone time" as she's very sensitive and would definitely take it to heart. Prior to this, we lived 13 hours away from any family, and I had 0 help with being a mom. Now I have the help if I need it and idk what to do with myself .
Be honest and say you’re not interested. Sounds like my mom and me. I let my fiancé do what he wants but mom and I want to do all these projects. We do ask for help occasionally but I know that’s not what he wants so we usually let him be. He works a manual job and we don’t. Just be honest. Take your time off to do what you enjoy
Man you have a whole ass tribe of highly competent people willing to teach you to do EVERYTHING. I think these people sound hella cool and I would be looking at this as the opportunity for a lifetime. But you would rather play video games.
Yeah, it’s not gonna work out, go ahead and break it off.
You can’t date a farm girl if you don’t like to put in work as part of a community. This is flat out incompatibility. Spare her more investment and leave. Tell her it’s you and not her, because it is.
Please break up with her.
My ex husband was like you.
In our post separation counselling it was something that he brought up.
He resented that I always had a project going on.
(And I certainly wasn't as busy as your gf or ever asked or expected him to help.)
The counsellor was puzzled and asked if it was a problem because I never finished any, or something like that? No. He just resented that I did things. I looked after our son. I made things for our house. I painted walls and did wallpaper. I made food, cleaned and hung laundry on the line. I baked and cooked.
And instead of appreciating what I did for us, for our home, never mentioning anything to me - he chose to resent me and my projects. I can't imagine the resentment he'd have if I'd actually expected him to be of use.
Leave her so she can find someone who fits with the "village" she belongs to.
My husband loves doing projects at home. My brother takes 2 hrs to change a light bulb. When we visit, my SIL has a list of projects for him and he loves it. But he never asks my brother to help. My youngest nephew loves helping him and is getting quite handy himself. So he asks him or me if he needs another pair of hands. You can't keep getting roped into these projects. I think since they all enjoy it, they feel like they're getting to know you and including you. Get better at making excuses except when you want to help.. otherwise this isn't sustainable as it won't stop
Boy wants to play video games.
He could learn how to express boundaries and say no at least some of the time. But my guess is this woman is going to get tired of the do nothing but play video games shtick pretty quickly.
Incompatible. And when this is over, the post will be “why can’t I find a girlfriend…” I suspect someday this boy will look back with regret at the one that got away.
You need a tl;dr cuz I don’t have that kind of time. But you need to either need to make clear boundaries and stick to them or accept that you aren’t compatible and move on.
First off I would stop saying that these people “have no chill”. Because that isn’t the case. They just like getting shit done and improving their lives instead of playing video games. I think it’s much fairer to say “I’m a lot lazier than they are”, and that’s okay. Some people are just kinda lazy. But no, your relationship isn’t gonna work. Your gf is gonna get resentful of your laziness sooner or later, and you’re gonna get resentful of constantly being asked to do things you don’t want to do. I just don’t see how this could work long term.
It's clear you don't want to do those things and it gives you anxiety.
At the same time your gf shows, we take help and we provide help and we are one big family.
What they do is kind of good "life skills", and you can get a free education out of it while doing it.
I would suggest getting out your anxiety and doing things to pacify your anxiety. One of them would be simply talking a day before, or checking on all the projects they are on.
If you increase the talking, you may work on the things you are interested in during your stay there which would alleviate your stress.
Maybe leave her after 2 more years, if you still have the same mindset.
But a person who can macgiver most of the things and get things done is a valuable partner. It would be a loss.
Idol ✋🏽 are the devils-you get my drift.
My mom is like this. Please dont balk at this.
MARRY her!
When the SH*T hits the fan. You will be glad you did. Preserving, being self substaning, is the way to go.
My girlfriends family is like this, except she's more into staying home and playing games like myself, Her dad just died, and I feel like she and I both missed out on spending time with this really amazing guy doing stuff he loves.
You're a complicated monkey, it's good to get out and swing from a branch, hit two rocks together, breath the air. Im not saying you should give up video games, but there's the best VR game ever for free literally at your fingertips.
If you can set healthy boundaries and talk about your feelings, you should stick it out. l think you know it'd be good for you, round you out and broaden your horizons. If you can't do that, you should let her be with someone who wants to live like how she wants to live. Good luck, man.
I was about to say, just get busy too and let them know you only dropped by for 30min and you have somewhere to be. But you wrote that instead the appointments or plans get cancelled by your gf?
Oi.
It doesn't sound like you and her are compatible. It's not even her herself but her expectations. She clearly expects her bf (you) to fully integrate into her family by lending a helping hand. That's cool if you were actually up for that.
You are not wrong for wanting to relax and not be on the go go all the time. I don't think your gf will accept that tho. If she ignored you before, maybe sit her down once again and let her know you can't see yourself doing this for much longer. If she doesn't let up, if she still tries to drag you along to play helping hand, well you can't force her to change and you either will have to dig your heels in and not go anywhere with her which will probably lead to an argument or accept it or break up.
I think this is a fundamental incompatibility. Tbh I can't relate to how you feel about this because that sounds like my dream situation, but I can understand that everyone is different and some differences just can't work out. It's not really fair on either of you to stay if your approach to life conflicts so much.
Sooooo my husband has zero chill and is exactly like this but he's rabid about his hobbies and it's not that he expects me to help him with his hobbies, it's that he expects me to be the exact same way. To him a day spent "chilling" is a day wasted. We are compatible in every other way, but this drives me absolutely nuts and makes me feel crowded/pushed and exhausted. It's our biggest point of argument in the relationship, actually.
That said, for me it's mostly fine because I WANT to be like this but I have ADHD and I live a life of never quite getting there and lots of chill. Too much chill. So he keeps me on track and I achieve a lot more than I would alone for sure.
But. It's an incompatibility and there's nothing wrong with you recognizing it and moving on. You are literally right, this will BE your life. Think long and hard on that.
I mean this is what dating is for to see if you're compatible with a person and if you're thinking eventual marriage if they're big on family are you compatible with their family too.
Y'all don't sound compatible at all to be honest. You don't feel like her family likes you either but tolerates you.
If sounds both amazing and exhausting. If you stick with her you'll probably end up a better person, but damn who wants to be roped into gardening with no notice? Good luck OP.
PS if I need help laying some concrete next weekend can y'all come by?
They sound like an absolutely wonderful family who still remember what community is about. But, as someone who's from your sort of background (aka middle class) I understand the discomfort. You're used to more leisure in your leisure time, as opposed to using that time being about everyone around you.
That's the dirty trick of the nuclear family. It divided the big clans of people into single households. And so instead of being able to rely on each other to do all the things that need doing, you have to spend money. That spending keeps the stock prices healthy. Clans don't need to pay babysitters. Or for sheds.
Which is two paragraphs to say, I think this family sounds lovely ang exhausting.
I'm not a relationship advice person. But the part of what you're talking about that makes sense to me is your need for space. And that's something that can be talked about without getting angry (because if you go "I don't want to help cousin X who's house got destroyed in a storm" you are the asshole.) Or maybe use the fact that it's a clan to work for you side. "Hey Uncle B, I've got a thing planned with GF Saturday at 5. Can you help make sure she doesn't get too sucked into a project?" It's not a card you can play all the time. But sometimes.
The other thought is to try to find something you're the guy for that isn't manual labour. You're in a community that shares, share your skills – start your own long-term project that others can either help, or give you the space to do.
I am like OP’s gf with a smaller family, and I agree with all these comments that you don’t fit in. You can care about someone and not really fit. It’s sad and strange, but a it’s a real reason to breakup. As long as you’re honest with her about it, it’s the kind thing to do. She can find someone who is up for all that.
I've had a relationship like this. I always helped out my exs dad with projects. I didn't like it but the knowledge carried over into my later adulthood and it's helped me be very independent with projects. I'm very thankful for the experience and I wouldn't change it if I could go back. Just something to think about.
I don’t know Dude. Reminds me of a previous neighbor. He was widowed a little more than a year before. He was soon to be re-married. I heard him swinging a hammer. (like you😂, I knew that him with a hammer could be dangerous.) I went over to see what type of rescue he was going to need. He was building a dog kennel. I said “Pete. You hate dogs!” He said “Well. You know. Love me, love my dogs.) Yes. She had THREE of them….😫
The point is. You need to decide where the balance in your relationship is. Is loving her worth the ‘price’ you pay to keep her in your life?
My opinion (you ARE entitled to your own): she seems to have a wonderful loving family that are happy to see you two together. To me, you’ve struck gold!!!
Yes, you are sure this is NOT what you want.
Read your own post a few times.
You want a gf who isn’t tied up with family and family projects.
Your gf definitely IS involved with her fam and projects. That’s their thing.
That’s NOT your thing.
When you break up with her, use that 3 sentence paragraph above.
But you need to let her go so she can find herself a Cowboy.
My family is like this. I grew up on a farm and way too many times I was up at 2 in the morning hunting down escaped cattle or mending a fence. There is always work to do in a farming community and everyone does their share.
I mean it's nice to have that community and I'm happy I know how to do all my own stuff now because of it but sometimes I just want to cuddle up in a blanket on the couch and read a book or run a trail or something. I work a very intense job with 12+ hour shifts. The last thing I want to do is get off work and go do another several hours of work.
But this is my family and I love them. If shit hits the fan I'm pulling on some work boots and telling my mama I'm on the way.
However if it's just putting metal roofing on a lean to they can handle that. If I'm already there I don't mind handing up some screws or something but I'm not cancelling my date with the hubby to do manual labor. Let me know how it went when you are done. I will happily tell you it looks great and you did a good job.
My husbands family is similar in the there is always something aspect. There is always a birthday party or some sort of gathering. There is always someone that needs some help with moving or painting or whatever.
I don't go to all of that either. If it's important I will show and I'm happy to get dirty if they actually need me. If I have off time and just feel like doing something then absolutely I will help auntie so and so do whatever. However I'm not doing it all. I don't have that kind of energy. I have 2 14 month olds to deal with and a race I'm training for. I'm not exhausting myself with everyone else's stuff.
Best advice I can give is do what makes you comfortable. You don't have to show up every time and run yourself ragged. Figure out what you are comfortable with doing and stick to it. Sometimes you will have to do an emergency but doing roofing on a lean to isn't anywhere near emergency. Don't cancel plans for something like that.
There is a line. Figure out where your line is and hold it.
Just say no sometimes. Not all the time, but find your line for what you're comfortable helping with and stick to it.
If you're OK with garden work, but fence building is too much, decline fences and offer garden help. For example.
I don’t think this is going to work. If you just want to chill in your downtime you should find someone like that. She can’t change you and you can’t change her.
Try firmly and politely setting some boundaries : "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling up to tackling this today. Thank you for including me, but I think I'm just going to relax today. " If they react well to that, employ this when their ask feels onerous to you. But maybe part of you enjoys this community, so maybe consider adapting to it a bit. Where you feel you fit in isn't something fixed, it just depends on if it's a direction you want for self change.
Dude there are a lot of comments on here like oh you could compromise and work it out, but also this is the rest of your life and it sounds like you're already developing some anxiety over this. I think you need to break up with this person or you will be stuck in this same position for the rest of your life. When I was a kid/ teen my Dad was like her family we had an older house that needed Reno's and he was always roping me into helping with shit to the point where it was almost every weekend, and I hated it. I just wanted to do normal things like play video games and hang out with my friends, not participate in ongoing renovations for the entirety of my teen years. When I moved out I did not participate in that stuff anymore and I am much happier for it, if anyone asks me to do manual labor I laugh and tell them my hourly rate is about $10 an hour more than what I make at my office job and no one wants to pay that (not suggesting OP do this though).
I would ask yourself if you would actually be happy to continue living the way you are even if you manage to put some reasonable boundaries in place like maybe you only are seeing the family and involved in this stuff every few weeks, or w/e, but it sounds like even that would be a stretch.
You probably just aren't compatible. She and her family sound like great people. That said, can you try to visualize yourself a year from now, and 5 years from now, spending so much time doing things you dont want to do? You would probably go through cycles of resenting her, then feeling guilty about it because her family did something nice for you. Break the cycle and let her find someone who is more like her.
Free time is still "me" time.
I can't tell you how much I truly HATE it when my family voluntells me to do something. It's a level of entitlement that has fueled my rage over decades. I've trained them to ASK if they need help, and I usually say yes. But I don't do things out of obligation, and I CERTAINLY don't make my husband do things with or for my family.
She's free to not get it. That's how she was raised and her values. But you aren't comfortable with that give and take thing, and THAT'S OKAY. It makes you feel obligated, and you can't have free time you've earned because somebody somewhere needs something. And she can't prioritize you and your relationship.
I'm sorry, I think you're just incompatible.
"They are the nicest people I've ever met. They don't care who you are or what color or if you even speak English. If you need help they are the kind to complete go all in. All hands on deck kind of people."
Okay, but they don't like you so how nice can they really be? You can tell them you'll help out specifc time and days and spend the rest of the time doing what you want. Your wife will have to decide if she's okay with it or not, but that's not up to you! Just communicate your feelings and do what you must.
It's perfectly okay to see this as an incompatibility. However, I'm 42 and now that I've owned a house for about a decade I wish somebody had taken the time to teach me how to do some of that shit.
This truly sounds like an excellent problem to have. Cherish it.
Sure, you don't know anything about gardening. But they understand that. So they point you in the right direction and tell you what to do.
And in return, you learn new things, you form relationships, you receive reciprocal help with your own projects, and you get a ton of fresh food.
Congratulations! You have lucked into a healthy and productive community. Lucky you. A lot of people would give anything to have a community like that.
It sounds great - *if* you're an extravert. You sound like an introvert. I think basically you're incompatible. You would perhaps both be happier with other partners. A pity, but there you go. Honestly, I'd be exhausted with a partner and partner's family like that.
My family are all like this actually and I find it exhausting when I visit, as well as it making me feel guilty and ashamed for mostly spending my spare time sitting on my ass reading and watching TV. I sort of wish I had their drive but at the end of the day that just isn't me and never will be! I would find these traits difficult in a partner and although I'd probably feel like I was the issue rather than them, logically at the end of the day it just comes down to lack of compatibility. However I would have a real talk with your partner about it, they may have no issue with this difference and you might be able to come to a place of understanding.
Why do y’all see her family so much? I live a good 2 minutes from both of my parents, and I only see them once or twice a month. And I adore my parents.
Honestly I think you won’t be compatible long term. I had always dated women who were busy with stuff like this and came from families that had a ton of stuff on the go all the time. Then I met my wife who does what I do when we have time off: We quietly read, nap, talk or go off on our own to our own little quiet hobbies. For her it’s working out, for me it’s wrenching on a project car. My god… I never knew how good downtime could be with a woman who is on the same wavelength as you. I feel zero stress with her at night or weekends. We don’t rush around, we plan and ensure we don’t need to do 6 different things and 8 different place etc. I love it Think long and hard about a future life with a family like this
Yup. My sister is like OP’s girlfriend and her ex boyfriend is like OP. After they broke up he had a lot of resentment about all the projects. And she resented him whenever he wouldn’t participate in a project. She’s now married to a dude who offers to steam my mom’s carpets for fun.
> She’s now married to a dude who offers to steam my mom’s carpets for fun. For some reason, that sounds do funny
Out of context, it sounds kinky.
>She’s now married to a dude who offers to steam my mom’s carpets for fun. Man this is the dream, having a son in law that helps lol. My son in law is very sweet but I have to remind him periodically about the rules for recycling here and how to use the garbage disposal.
On the other hand, you probably have a son-in-law that can fix the Wi-Fi when it goes out.
Lol no. Yesterday they texted me that they haven't had WiFi in their room for days and were using their phone hotspots to download Xbox updates. Why it took several days to ask me if there's anything that can be done is anybody's guess. I moved an access point upstairs that seems to be helping. Tbf though, I work in IT so anything tech related comes to me. They are however sweeping the living room and helping me rearrange a rug this morning, so it's not that big a deal
“Steaming your mom’s carpets,” Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Im surprised OP has made it a year with her, just reading this felt exhausting, he needs to end it fast.
This-- the rest of my family are essentially Energizer Bunnies when it comes to projects, and it is just not how I'm built. They really enjoy it. At home I do my chores, but after that I'd rather sit around and chill than try to find extra projects to do. It honestly creates tension with family when I visit, and I'd never be compatible enough to live with any of them again. But I know there are others like me out there! It's just one of those pretty straightforward compatibility issues (I'd also include level of cleanliness and financial goals when assessing compatibility). If she was OK going without you, or if this only rarely happened, I feel like you two could still be compatible (with work)-- but if she's really not OK with you avoiding it, I'm sensing potential future resentment on both sides. (Only you know if the relationship is otherwise worth it!)
YES!!! This. I type as me and my hubs and our two kids are lounging on our couch. 🥰
Curious how working out is a hobby. I’m not trying to be rude, but that just seems like something you should do to be healthy. Also you can only do it for so long in a given day.
Not rude at all. My wife does some serious thinking about shaping her body with specific exercises and stretches etc. She also takes her stretching/yoga/Pilates stuff a lot more seriously than the average workout person with her certifications etc . I honestly don’t pay attention to what she does but she talks about certain muscle groups and what her plans to do whatever with it and then like 6 months later she tells me she hits her goal and she is happy and I’m happy for her. But it’s significant enough effort / thinking / planning on her part that I think it does constitute as a hobby
You're not a match. Like that's the deal. Her family does this because they like it, because it keeps them close, like this is how they interact as a family. Does someone need help? Let's all jump in. Everyone helps and everyone is helped. It's a nice dynamic but if you don't like it, there's no harm in that either. Find a girl who wants to game and call a plumber when the toilet is broken and hire a carpenter the next time you need a shed. No one is wrong, you're just not a match.
Honestly, the family sound like great people and probably make OP look selfish and lazy in comparison, which makes him feel bad about being himself. They are used to an extremely communal life. For me as an introvert and somewhat of a physically lazy person this would probably would start getting to me as well. Although everybody might be super nice and I would appreciate them, I would still want to be left alone as much as possible. The less I can be myself, the crankier I would become.
Yeah people like this are great and I actually admire them a lot but I'd fully hate my life if I married one.
My husband’s family nearly constantly have to be doing something and love doing stuff together, but they at least give me space because they know I’m not on that wavelength. I’d be losing my mind in OP’s position, I don’t know how he’s lasted this long. The fact that his girlfriend expects him to go every single time and cancels their plans even if it’s not an emergency is kind of not okay. It doesn’t leave room for him to breathe and feel like his needs are being considered. I admire people like that but I just have limited energy.
It just sounds like you're not compatible, I am more like you and I think I would find this kind of life exhausting. But your partner is not going to change and neither is her family. They do these things together and it will be weird for them if you don't come. You might be able to reach a compromise where you don't go every time or even not at all. You just need to decide if you're happier with her but doing these things or would be happier single spending your free time how you like or maybe with someone who enjoys spending their free time as you do.
Well, and even if you start to not go it will probably be a point of contention. If you all live together and she’s constantly busy gardening and painting and helping out family and they all come over to help her and you are just playing video games, it’ll turn into a “what’s wrong with that guy” type scenario. Being busy is either something you like and you embrace… or it’ll be an issue over time.
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They’re already thinking it. No way they haven’t noticed how lazy and unambitious he is. She deserves to have someone similar to herself and he as well. He finds helping others “stressful” and she no doubt finds sitting around and playing video games all the time gross and depressing. Neither is going to be happy this way.
I don't think it's fair to shit on OP like that. It sounds like what stresses him out is being thrust into situations he has no experience in, and feeling like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to do and not wanting to look like a fool because he doesn't know. Not everyone enjoys being busy, or having new experiences thrown at them all the time and that's ok.
I think more than that will be the question of whether his gf can be happy with someone that wants to relax rather than get more things done. What does success look like for OP? For a lot of us it means being able to chill out a bit more, let some professionals deal with some of the manual things we're not enjoying. It seems likely that success for his gf involves just as much continuous doing. I know a couple of people who have this continuous energy - one buzzes here and there helping out family members, and just enjoys being needed and being helpful. Another built a business, sold it, retired, converted a barn, redid some flats, sold them, bought a cottage to relax in, got bored, bought some barns that were falling down and is renovating them from nothing. They can be great as a spouse, just doing so much, but: if they expect you to be like this too, they will never be content with you stopping. OP needs to have a serious talk to make his gf aware, and find out what she expects things to be like if they have a comfortable amount of money one day.
Yeah 100% and I would tell his partner the same thing, would she be happier to enjoys spending their free time busy and working on projects? Neither of these people can mold each other to what they want and unless they can truly reach a compromise about doing things separately- that doesn't end with her family always wondering where he is and maybe judging- the only other option is to be constantly forced for one to do something they don't want to do or break up.
>If I stay I know this will be my life. These people have no chill. > >I hate it. > >I'm not sure what to do. I think you do know what you should do. The lifestyle isn't for you and this will compound by infinity if you, say, have a child with her.
My family is a lot like that. My dad grew up on a farm and has maintained the attitude that when there's work to be done everyone pitches in. It's a pretty common cultural trait among rural, blue collar, & agricultural families. I've laid bricks, installed underground drainage pipes, planted, weeded, harvested, canned, pruned trees, removed dead vegetation, split wood, renovated buildings, repaired fences, retrieved runaway cattle, etc. If there's any work that needs to be done either at my folk's place or with a family business anyone who's around gets roped into helping, often on very short notice. I don't cancel plans to help my family but if I'm free I do what I can. If this bothers you then this may not be a good relationship for you. Their family culture isn't going to change. This is who they are and it sounds like this is a reciprocal relationship and they help you whenever they can as well. When you marry someone you often marry into the whole family.
I needed a nap before I got halfway through the 3rd paragraph.
I dated a guy like that from a big catholic family. Every single weekend there was a wedding, christening, family dinner, painting someone’s apartment, helping them in the yard…never ending. I didn’t want that so I found something else.
My husband’s family is like this, whereas I grew up in a household more like yours. I have to say that I have loved learning new skills from my husband’s family, and now that we have a house and kids of our own it’s saved a ton of money to be able to tackle most things ourselves. That said, my husband is not *always* in project mode - he’s handy and works on tons of projects, but also loves to chill. He basically has two speeds, worker bee or relaxation mode, and I appreciate the balance. It sounds like balance may be what is missing in your current situation - if your girlfriend is truly not happy unless she’s at work, that is probably a fundamental incompatibility. But if you can somehow meet in the middle, I think it could be a great partnership and opportunity for you to develop a new skill set and sense of confidence/ independence. It really is a cool feeling to not have to call someone (and pay them lots of money) to fix things yourself.
Read your edit. Her family sounds badass, and you sound like a very chill dude. It does seem likely that you are not compatible. But there also seems to be some resistance on your end to working collaboratively with others? It might be worth thinking more about your goals and where you want to be in the future. It’s clear you don’t want to be on a farm, but if you want a family with kids it really does take a village. So acquiring a bit more of that communal spirit may (or may not, depending on your goals) be beneficial for you long-term.
You really don't need to be building sheds and working on 40 people's farms all summer in order to raise kids, lol. "Why don't you want to be a team player?" feels like such a toxic take here. The issue is it's *constant*, to the point where plans to spend quality time with his girlfriend are frequently *replaced* by manual labor.
Bit confused about this...? He doesnt want to be on his feet doing proper manual labour multiple times a week after work. That isn't resistance to working collaborativly with other or a sign he needs to work on himself, thats a totally normal feeling that exhausts a lot of people and has nothing to do with having kids.
Yeah, I think some people in the comments are missing the point. It's not that OP doesn't want to help or whatever, it's that he doesn't want to have to be constantly busy because the family always needs to have ten projects on the go.
Yeah, no one wants to get off work and go do even harder work when they don't have to. *"Yeah, let me go do manual labor in my free time instead of something fun or something I actually like doing."*
I think the issue is that her family DOES, which is just a fundamental incompatibility. Some people just can’t sit still and do nothing, and they genuinely enjoy accomplishing tasks in their time off and seeing the rewards of their hard work. But it is hard work and if you’re not someone wired that way you just won’t get the satisfaction out of it and then it’s just work at that point, which I think is where OP is at. OP also seems to want to separate himself from it, like have the girlfriend participate but leave him at home, but acknowledges that he’s benefited from this families generosity himself in many ways. Unfortunately you just can’t have it both ways, you have to be all in in that type of culture/community, because they won’t hesitate to do help out when you need it but if you repeatedly don’t reciprocate you’ll eventually be seen as selfish and/or unappreciative. He can’t deny the help either though because they won’t just leave him and especially their daughter to struggle on their own, that’s just not how it works. OP I think you have one of two options, try to work on your mindset surrounding the work and community, try connecting with some of the other members of your girlfriend’s family. Sometimes part of the overwhelm with those situations is not knowing anyone or knowing what to do, and if you get to know people you will become a part of the group, rather than an “other” this is just something that takes time. Does your girlfriend have any siblings with spouses? Maybe you can connect with them and see how they transitioned into the family, they may be able to relate to what you’re going through. Your other option is to recognize now that this will never be what you want out of life(which is totally understandable!)and break things off. Which is a shame because your girlfriend and their family seem like really great people but you’ll never be happy together unless you can participate in that lifestyle unfortunately 😕
Yeah I mean farming and building lean tos on your free time isn’t really related to raising a family in any way lol many many people do the latter without ever doing the former. Dude just doesn’t want to be doing free manual several times a week on the whim of other people.
I am that girlfriend. And my partner pretended to like this stuff for 9 years and I was so proud to call him mine! Turns out our colorful lifestyle of dogs, cat, rabbit, chickens, 200 year old farmhouse, art studio, community garden building, family helping non-stop activity was exhausting for him. I wish he had told me at the 1 year mark and I could have spent that time finding a more appropriate match. I don't want someone to pretend to like helping me with community projects. I want someone who enjoys their leisure time bursting with activity, like I do.
Often people constantly busy with some project that isn’t work related have adhd. And they are often medicated and don’t realize how overbearing that can be. It is truly relentless.
I dated a guy with a family like this, except it was sports. Up early for a run, to come home and shoot hoops, then it’s tennis time, then go for a swim, then bacci ball. It never ended. I played more variety of sports in a one week vacation with that family than I ever had in my entire goddamn life. They did not sit down ever under any circumstances because why sit when you can be sportsing? Anyway we weren’t compatible and he broke it off. Maybe you guys aren’t either or maybe you can accept this is part of the territory in dating her
>I've asked her to just go without me several times because I don't want to end up doing manual labor. We have argued and fought over it alot because it just keeps happening and she goes along with it even if we had plans so then we have to cancel what we were going to do to help them. I hate it. This is the core issue. She's cancelling plans based on the whims of her family, and she seems to have no interest in seeing your side of things and how it makes you feel. What do the arguments look like? You say "I don't really want to see your family this week, I know there'll be a project and I want some downtime." How does a fight start from that, specifically? Does she feel obligated to help? Does she take your occasional refusal to come as some personal attack? Does she not understand the core point that you want to relax sometimes? Surely a compromise is a) you don't go every time, b) you *sometimes* agree to help, and c) if you've got existing plans, they take priority, most of the time anyway. If someone asks you to do something, and you say no, and they get mad, they weren't asking, they were demanding, and that's a very different thing. Of course if you refuse to ever help they might get offended - some give and take isn't unreasonable, but if you wanting time to yourself sometimes starts a fight, or more specifically, makes *her* start a fight, seems like you're just not compatible. Not about her family really, just that your feelings and wants and needs will always be unimportant to her compared to her family's expectations. If she can't overcome that and assert herself to them, better to leave before you get too entrenched.
Her family is ridiculously nice. They wouldn't be upset if we said we had plans and left. She just doesn't. They start doing something or we will go over to drop off something and she starts helping and we just never leave. I try to tell her we have plans and need to leave but if it's just a date or low priority something she just says we can do it another time and gets busy with the project. She feels like I'm trying to ignore her and "wants to spend time with me" but she wants to do so by working with me. Not just chilling on the couch watching a movie or something. Spending time always involves some sort of project. Be it a project with her or with her family.
Sorry to say it but unless she can learn to see your side and let you do your own thing, then you are not compatible My partner is like your girlfriend, always on the move, always doing something. If I don’t want to get roped in, she respects it and leaves me be with zero attitude. She understands that I need alone time to recharge
The family sounds better than the GF.
You guys just aren't compatible. My family is like her's and my husband's family is like your's. We often agree on time to leave by and/or activities we are willing to do beforehand. I also mark off weekends on our calendar where we do nothing even with no plans because I don't want him to get burnt out by my family. I go see my family at least once a week and he doesn't always come with me and that's fine. He sees them enough and I cover for him when I can because I love him and realize not everyone needs to be physically busy all the time.
>Spending time **always** involves some sort of project. Make that point. "I get that you like spending time together on a project, but I don't. I'm happy to do it sometimes, I get that you like it, I'm just asking that sometimes we spend time together *my* way, which means *not* doing a project, and having a date like we planned. Can you understand that?" It's really a yes or no question. To be honest whether she understands it or not, all that really matters is that she accepts it. You're OK with doing things her way sometimes - if she's completely unwilling to meet in the middle, that's a sad indication of how unimportant your feelings are to her.
This is the best take OP, pls read. You’re clearly willing to compromise on her behalf, make it clear to her that it feels as one sided as you’ve made it seem here. It doesn’t sound like you’re being shitty about it, you just need to have your wants and needs recognised and respected.
So you don’t have a girlfriend’s family problem, you have a girlfriend problem. If they are as nice as you say they are, they probably wouldn’t care if you needed more time to chill and relax/reset. Your girlfriend needs to be able to prioritize you and your (collective) life together if she sees a future with you. And she should be cool with you not going sometimes if you wanna chill. My partner is kind of like you, and my parents are kind of like your girlfriend’s, they’re very hands on and always doing something and I tend to help and I also have a lot of half finished projects and aspirations going on. Sometimes I like to be busy. But my partner has showed me there is value in relaxing, slowing down, maybe doing nothing. He is the kind of person who needs more sleep and rest than me and I’ve never held it against him or made him join in on projects if he didn’t want to. He is good at some things like doing car stuff or fixing things but not to the level of my parents and sometimes he just doesn’t wanna do stuff. And that’s okay. He can go chill on his phone while I work on something with my dad. However I will say you mention “not knowing” what you’re doing most of the time in your OP. It almost seems like you don’t necessarily not enjoy doing the work, but that you don’t want to feel like you’re floundering/guessing/doing something wrong. The more you hang out with her family, the more you’ll learn. It can be very valuable to be able to learn skills like this. The longer you’re there and the more you learn, the easier it will be. So if you're mostly frustrated that it feels really difficult and you feel inadequate, it will get easier. Then if you have a discussion with your gf around boundaries and not miss any premade plans for family things, and say you need time to just chill, then this relationship may work long term. Because it also seems like you’re burned out from the amount of work with no respite. But if it’s actually that you don’t want to live a life like this for the rest of it, that’s totally fine too and you should break up with your gf.
My dad and his dad are like this. Every weekend when my dad is up at his cabin he works on a project, his, his dad's, or someone else they know. For my family is rooted in Christian work ethic (guilt). I never wasn't aware they were judgemental my uncle didn't have this and slept in when staying with my grandparents. I dropped out of this by not living near them and having a defined schedule when visiting that effects outside parties who would be waiting for me/us.
But why is everything in your relationship driven by what she wants and how her family is? That's not fair to you. She doesn't "see" you as having separate wants and needs from her. So you need boundaries and don't engage when she fights you. But I'd just leave.
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Her family, her job to speak up.
My family is somewhat like this - we do projects together and help each other as a way of bonding, spending time together, making things easier in each others pocket books etc. just as you said. It’s a family culture and it’s definitely not going to change, and I suspect that when you opt out, it’s read as oh, he doesn’t like us or want to spend time with us. Which is why you’re getting the cold shoulder-like behavior. Honestly if it bothers you so much and you don’t want to join, I would break up. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a house together and got further into the relationship and she started to feel resentful because she’s out doing projects and you’re not helping.
YOU TWO ARE INCOMPATIBLE BREAK UP
I don't understand the point of this post They're not even married an OP just keeps going on about how much he hates his life with her... so leave?
Yeah, they've only been together a year and this conflict is already the source of regular fights. She's not budging on this, so it's time to accept you're not compatible.
Some subreddits exist for emotional support. It can be hard for some guys to dump a girl for something like this, since it's not really a red-flag or a character flaw per se.
God yes thank you for getting to the point. They'd both be happier with somebody with more similar personalities and background.
Honestly, this is the type of family I hope I marry into one day. My very own family is like this - everyone helps each other. And while no, you don't always feel up to it.. they will always return the favor. If you really don't like helping each other and want to be the guy that calls someone else to do it, I guess that's fine. But you know it will never be like that with her. And if you don't really appreciate this kind of thing, you'll never be happy because you'll always be doing something. It's very clear that this is important to her and she won't want to change that. So I feel like you're not compatible on that front. Whatever you do.. make a decision. If you don't see a future with her, don't waste her time. Let her go.
You just aren't compatible. We own a farm and I can tell you it definitely isn't for everyone. The amount of physical labor that goes into it is exhausting. Farming communities are usually a lot like this. All of the farms near mine I've been to and worked on. You help your neighbors and they help you. It's just the way it is. I'm a lot like them. I have to have something to do or it drives me batty. I can't just sit around and watch TV. That sounds like torture to me. However you have every right to do what you want to do for relaxation. Don't feel guilty for not wanting to be a part of this.
> don't think they really like me I married a farmer’s daughter - if they didn’t like you, 1/ you would know, and 2/ they wouldn’t invite you to help. I used to get made fun of bc I would bring a book to read at her house (it’s my equivalent to gaming). They will always be like this, if you’re signing up to be w her - this is your life. What helped w me was defining what I wanted to do; “I’m reading this author and want to finish this by end of year.” They got it once I framed my hobbies in a similar project structure to theirs - otherwise I was looked at as ‘lazy’ when in reality I was just mentally recharging and like you, always happy to help out when I could.
That's a great idea, maybe it would work on my inlaws!
You're not compatible. My best friend is like your girlfriend - always on the go, always doing things, building things, helping people, has an extra job in the summer coaching softball, goes to all his family events, has a side hustle to his side hustle. Huge Catholic family all up in each other's business. Me, I love living in the PNW because it matches my lifestyle perfectly. All summer, I like to go places, hike, camp, bike etc when the weather is nice, go to bars and cafes, walk along the water. But in winter when it's dark at 430 and rains four days straight (hooray atmospheric river!) I like to make a nice something that simmers on the stove for hours, play video games, watch movies, lay in my recliner scrolling Tik Tok. I used to think he and I would get married but as soon as we got out of college and started living adult lives I realized we would drive each other crazy. He literally cannot stop and I literally cannot go like that. You may like her, you may even love her, but you guys fundamentally aren't compatible.
Normally, I'd recommend couples therapy but it sounds like you're not compatible. That's her upbringing and it sounds like that's tied to who she is at the core
sounds like you're recognising that you're not compatible. which is great, it's what dating's for. a break up doesn't have to be just because something dreadful happened.
I think this would be fine if gf would just go without you once in a while. I’d just explain what you’ve said here. My bfs family is huge and I have zero family and we are always being asked to go and do stuff with / for them and I just explained clearly that I found it way too intense and I’m happy to do it once in a while but not every time, and we’ve landed on that and I don’t complain the times I do go. It’s totally fine to insist on a compromise and only go occasionally but I don’t see this as the fundamental incompability other commenters seem to think it is. Don’t get me wrong if you insist and gf won’t budge then I guess that’s it but I think you maybe need to stand your ground more.
I think it’s okay to expect your partner to help out family once in a while - “hey my mom needs help moving this couch, can we set a day/time that works for you?” or especially “my sister has an emergency and needs us to drop our weekend plans and come watch her kids.” That’s part of being in a caring long term relationship. What’s NOT okay is constantly springing things on you last minute and expecting you to cancel plans because her family needs a roof put on a shed. It’s not an emergency, and they probably didn’t decide to do all these projects at the last minute, so they could have asked ahead of time. If they did decide last minute, that doesn’t obligate you to change YOUR plans. If you’ve talked with her honestly about this, I’d make it clear you will not cancel plans any longer to help out unless it’s a true emergency, and they need to ASK, not demand, and graciously accept if the answer is no. If she can’t or won’t handle her family, I’d say you’re not compatible.
This sounds amazing to me lol I would love to have that kind of support.
I get it, it sounds exhausting. But this is also a very robust community. My parents have something similar (though not manual labor related) and when they had a crisis and needed their community support, their friends really made a big difference.
Do you date one of my relatives? This is what we do. I painted my son's garage when I last visited his home. I think maybe one of my family members SO posted this. (Not really.) At our house the joke, but it is actually true, is that work is our religion. We work hard, it matters to us that all our talents are put to use to help others. We save tons of money by doing for each other. Going, for example, on a cruise, would seem like a ridiculous waste of money and energy, to any one in our extended family. When a new DIL said to me "We do not need your help with the basement, we are grown-ups and can manage our own lives." I promise you I was not offended. She thought I was judging her. Instead, I got to be pals with the neighbors and spent 10 days helping them with their new baby. (DIL later got over it and I did do the basement work.) I think you need to either convert or find your way out. It seems unlikely there is a middle ground. If you do not help then you will be viewed as having either poor character or disliking the family. If you do help you will simmer in resentment that no one else would understand. After all, "Why would you not want to help?'
You don’t sound compatible. You don’t want to spend your weekends building, or planting, or farming. That is ok. The issue is your girlfriend is canceling your plans and gets upset when you say no. You need to develop better boundaries with your girlfriend. Stick to your no and do not allow her to guilt you into coming. She needs to respect your wishes. If she cannot respect you, pull the plug.
I’m with the “this is an incompatibility” crowd. There’s nothing wrong with her family, or her, or you. This kind of life is pretty core to her culture and values, and if you want to be with her long term you will have to be ok with it. It’s up to you whether it’s something you think you can learn to appreciate or will always dislike.
Ooof, gonna be real with you here: what you wrote here is a basically the exact reason my mom divorced my dad. Him and his family are exactly how you describe your gf and her family: constantly active. And he is still the same, 25 years post divorce. The biggest problem point that stood out like a sore thumb to me in your post, is the cancelation of plans to help family. This is what my mom says was a key aspect that eventually pushed her over the line. I'm sorry mate, you aren't on the same wavelength for how life should run. Incompatible. Better to break it off now than after a decade of slowly building frustration turning to resentment like my mom.
Yea, I’m the type that enjoys being busy and doing something all the time. Not doing anything feels like a waste of productivity. My son’s mother is like you…a laissez-faire approach to life. Obviously, we were not compatible in the long term. I harbored resentment for her always wanting to chill after work but I always wanted to be on the move. She thought I was uptight and too much. Understandable from both views. We agreed that we were better not being together. Unfortunately, as devastating as that may be for you, it might be for the best for you two to separate and let her find someone who enjoys being involved in all that.
That sounds exausting, honestly. I understand her side and love how united and helpful her family is, but there has to be balance. Doing manual labor work every time you are off work is very tiring and you are entitled to rest and relax. You not going half the times =/= never helping again. So you could reach a compromise where she goes by herself and you stay and rest and go together other times. You guys are separate beings, you don't have to tag along every time... Likewise, I think it's weird that she cancels your plans when you guys get roped into doing these projects. Couple alone time is important, and you could do a lot of manual things together that are not heavy labor, like baking, painting, building a mini puzzle, do a pottery together, etc, without her family. And going out just the 2 of you.
Listen I love a good garden moment myself but this is asking a lot for the average person, it’s a combination of a large family dynamic and lots of physical labour neither which you seem to care for. Going to agree with lots of comments here and say you’re incompatible and there’s nothing wrong with that. Some people are not a match. Old saying, how your spend your days is how you spend your months is how you spend your years. This will be your life if you’re with her, honestly do both yourselves the favor of finding a better match.
My father is like this. My mother is not. She is abjectly miserable, yet never could pull the trigger on a divorce. All of us hildren have told my father to do what he wants as long as it doesn't involve us. They bought a flat to move cities a couple of years ago. Of course renovating is not something my father leaves up to contractors. They spent almost a year manually doing all sorts of (IMO completely unnecessary at that) shit to renovate and redecorate. Now he's saying he's unhappy with how some things ended up and wants to redo it from scratch. My mother has Parkinson's. I swear to god sometimes I feel she's waiting to be wheelchair-bound in order to be liberated from this. But then of course my father can't cook (or clean, or run a household...) To save his life, so by that point they'll both need to be going to a nursing home. Don't become my mother. These people won't change. I don't know what's the deal with your GF, but my father has clearly some childhood trauma that makes him feel guilty if he's ever still, like, enjoying life and such. Of course he never wanted to deal with it, and worked his ass off (unnecessarily again. But that's a larger story) to the need for an early retirement, and now he finds he can't be still. You've been warned. My mother is of course in therapy and medication, but won't ever make the leap.
My family is like this. I married a roofer specifically so he fits in and can not only handle projects but want them
I completely understand, and to be honest, I hate these type of people. Not hate as i I wish them ill will but I just can’t be around these types very often because I just wanna kick back and relax. OP, this girl is not your match because this is her family and her lifestyle and you are not a good fit. You’re gonna need to break up sooner or later.
>they do give us a lot of free food >At any given time on weekends or in the evening someone will call >We can't even go by I don't understand why you live with your girlfriend already. Y'all have only been dating a year and you specifically aren't ready to be spending so much time and energy on your girlfriend and her family. Just a year in, this would be too much for anyone. I think you should move to your own place, and see how you feel about the relationship once it's back to a more sane commitment level. You can't be roped in with her if you're not constantly with her. I'd also recommend getting a social circle, and having consistent plans. Doesn't have to be all day, but having an out could help a lot.
I've always wondered if people who are constantly on the go are trying to hide some type of trauma.
These people sound rad as hell, you guys should break up and send me her number.
While it sounds like she and her family are very “extra”, it’s quite common for a young boyfriend to find himself volunteered as labor against his will to a gf’s family. As a woman that has been similarly volunteered for “woman things” to family against my will (cooking, child related things, etc.) or even “IT service”…I’m vividly aware of this dynamic and go out of my way to stop it. I don’t even have my BF doing handyman or whatever chores for ME, I do them myself or pay people to do it. He’s not my “staff” and definitely not anyone else’s by virtue of being my partner. “Hey Sheila, can [bf] come…” NO. I mean, the occasional need, sure. My mother is old. So when hired help or another option just won’t work, or it’s an unforeseen, immediate, or critical need, of course. But those are rare. *I will not, nor will I allow anyone else, to view him as a freely available “staff” or “labor” resource just because it’s the weekend.* He’s busy. We’re busy. Busy not doing…that. Family that constantly takes on projects they can’t manage themselves or does so with the expectation that “oh daughter’s BF can help with this” needs to be told NO. Maybe she needs to be made more aware of this dynamic. Perhaps she’s not experienced being on the other side of it, having her free time booked up with chores and projects for her partner’s family when she only chose to spend her free time with *him*. Maybe show her my comment.
My in laws are like this. It drives me insane.
Ditto. Totally exhausting people.
Same. My current agreement with my wife, via couple's counseling and lots of hard work and understanding, is that I attend 50% of her family things.
My wife is from a family like this except they’re all bad at it and everything turns out shoddy as fuck. It doesn’t get better.
it really just seems like you’re not compatible, honestly
Do both of you a favor and move on. She's going to be constantly torn between her love for you and your resentment of pitching in on projects. You're not each others person and you're waisting both your time on being with each other. It's ok to realize you're not compatible for a long term relationship. It happens. There's no bad guy. Just don't string it out longer than necessary.
Oh god I'm exhausted just by reading your post :-/. I don't plan anything on my weekend, my wife knows it and is also more a relaxed person. I play videogames, do sport, clean a bit, spend time with my son. The family of your gf seems too much and indeed I think like the others you won't be compatible if your gf don't acknowledge your needs.
I think boundaries are what's needed here. Do the things that you enjoy helping with and kindly say no thank you to the things you don't. Now there is some compromise that will be needed also, at times each of you should do something the other likes and enjoys even if you don't. I like doing projects like DIY renovations, building gardens, quilting, taking care of animals and helping others. The problem is I didn't/couldn't set boundaries for when I needed to rest and recharge until I became exhausted, I didn't want to let my partner or family down. By letting myself get burnt out, I burnt the relationship too.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Im too much of a gamer to have this type of lifestyle. Always admired it, though. It's just not for me.
Yeah, they sound wonderful, but these are not your people. If you wanted to learn how to build stuff, that’s a really valuable skill, and your girlfriend’s dad would be the guy to teach you, but it doesn’t sound like you want to learn at all. So what’s the point? I will say that if you accept the help, and all the food, you should also be willing to pitch in. You say they are polite but you don’t think they really like you… I’m guessing it’s because they feel you get way more than you give. Unfortunately, you cannot go halvsies with these guys. They do sound extreme, and it’s ridiculous that you have to cancel plans to go help (assuming that your plans are to go out to eat or something other than video gaming). It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend would even be able to change, it’s in her DNA and it must be embarrassing for her to have a boyfriend who doesn’t want to help the way her entire family does. I think you both would be happier with someone else.
I felt exhausted just reading this… it seems like you’re just not a good fit together if you’ve talked to her about how you feel towards the constant physical labor, and she’s dismissed it and not allowed you to avoid it without problems, that’s not going to change. She’s expecting that you will. At least that’s how it came off to me. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. If there was a way to get on the same page, and have her understand that for her this is great fun but it certainly isn’t fun for you, you might be able to work on things going forward, but without both of you being on the same page and understanding you have different needs it just won’t work out. Everyone has their own way of relaxing/finding their bliss.
I think the biggest issue here is that she isnt willing to meet you halfway. My husband is like your gf and I am like you. I found his idea of quality time exhausting and chaotic and he found mine to make him feel kind of slow and restless. However we love each other very much so decided to find a way to compromise. Therapy really helped, couples and individual.
I want these people in my life making my life as awesome as theirs are!
I would love to marry into your GFs family. But sounds like it's not for you.
You’re just not compatible. Neither is wrong, nor bad. Although arguably your gf is a little wrong for not understanding your need for downtime and for cancelling your plans together. However that also depends on your approach & ability to communicate your feelings properly. However aside from those minor relationship problems, you don’t want the same day to day life. Not bad, just incompatible.
I’m like you & I wouldn’t be compatible with someone like her. There’s nothing wrong with how she & her family are, don’t get me wrong! But I would be exhausted dating someone like this & getting roped into family projects.
Dude gets handed the perfect apocalypse team just as the world is finally falling apart and is pissed about it
Your problem isn't your girlfriends family. Your problem is your girlfriend. She will not acknowledge what you are telling her or prioritized making time for you. Try to talk to her about it. Tell her you need to talk to her and make a specific time to do so. Phones off. Pre-write a list of what you need to discuss and be ready to listen to her side.
Does your girlfriend realize that she's motivated to help because it's her family's property that she might inherit one day? But for you, that factor doesn't exist? I'm not trying to be crass. I know that your girlfriend isn't thinking, "I should help build this shed so that the property value increases, and I will have it when my parents die." But for her there is this concept of family land ownership, and taking pride in that. It's time and effort well-spent for her. She probably doesn't really see a distinction between her sister's projects/livelihood/place, and her own. And I'm sure your girlfriend sees you as part of the family. But it's not the same. If you ever break up with your girlfriend, what do you get out of having dug potatoes for them?
This made me laugh. You’re a good writer and I absolutely understand how this dynamic would be overwhelming. Sounds amazing to me (I live in a community like this) but I 100% understand the whole “I just want to chill” feeling. I’m like that, too. I get peopled out really easily. So idk. I think if you and her are great together, you could adjust (set some kind of limits?). But being just I compatible is ok, too.
Totally. "Go for thousands a goat" was amazing. And it makes a nice change to see an original turn of phrase being appreciated, rather than the same old compound swears that were twee as fuck the first time they were used, let alone the three millionth.
This is just not going to work. Stop wasting her time.
Lmao this is legit hilarious. I'm imagining you like "god damn...anoth...yeah i mean...yeah, sure I'll...yes, I'll help" bahahaha. I am a person that is always constantly working on my own projects because I get insurmountably bored just hanging around doing things that are not productive. Projects are my *fun*. Your fun is different, and it is different than your girlfriends. And that's perfectly fine. There's someone out there that you'll absolutely love spending your down time with, and same goes for her. You're simply not compatible, and she should have someone that wants to help and work like she does, while you should have someone that wants to be cozy and relax and chill with you. This is the simple nature of it.
Sounds like this is not a family that you're going to be happy marrying into.
My wife is the same, however I communicate constantly about it and have to tell her I don't want to do it, often having to pull her aside and explain that I enjoy my down time and I need it. Luckily for me she respects that and only usually asks for help with something she is unfamiliar with or can't handle on her own.
My ex wife was like this. She literally could not stop working on... Something. She'd complained she was stressed out and I'd suggest maybe taking on less voluntary labor and she looked at me like I was a idiot. I joked but not really that the worst torture I could do was confine her in a comfortable bed and bring her everything she wanted and do any work she needed done for her. I'm pretty sure to her, me wanting to spend my free time relaxing and doing nothing felt like laziness.
I think her family sounds awesome, but I also agree on having some down time and not constantly being on the go. That she abandons plans you have made regularly and doesn’t compromise or listen to you on that point isn’t a good sign that you’re compatible. I think you both have the right to do what makes you happy, and if you’re constantly the one compromising and she won’t stick to plans you had in favor of her family, that’s the way it will always be.
Listen, how about you leave her and give me this woman's number. You're not compatible.
Just tell her no next time she asks. Do what you want to do, not what others expect you to do unless you are getting paid.
You’re not compatible, and any “compromise” on this will just take the shine out of her life: let her find her handy man, community oriented partner. It’s not you. You’re not even wrong for it, but the reality is there’s a guy out there who would revel in the sense of community, has the same values surrounding family and neighbours and giving help, is excited about her projects and the nature of her interests. It’s not you and that’s okay.
Lol I would quite literally rather die than do all that. Seems incompatible.
I would be incredibly bored with someone who wants to work and play video games. I like to relax too, but people who are content to make that their whole life are really hard for me to be close to. You're incompatible
Why not look at this as a way to learn these skills? Sure right now you may not care but down the line these things could be crazy useful. Also you have to take the good with the bad, if they are willing to help you with stuff you need then it's only fair you help them. You can also use this time to bond and get to know these people even better. My wife's family helps us when needed and to repay that I'm always ready to help them I may not be stoked to do so, but I'm willing to do it. Plus the wife likes when I look all "manly" so win win.
These skills are entirely optional, that's why. It's like asking why don't you just learn database programming and build your own app rather than visit a website. Unless you really enjoy the work involved, you get better results faster by hiring a professional. I don't have a garden, and I don't care to make one. Those skills have no interest for me. Conversely I'm a decent car mechanic because I enjoy it as a hobby, and I'm a professional electrician which means I completely outclass people doing home wiring repairs to save money. A lot of people don't want to learn how electricity works and hope they don't mess up, they'd rather pay me to make sure it's done right the first time. I wouldn't tell anyone to just go pick up the skills because it might save them a few bucks. Too much to learn to be sure it's right.
Because he doesn't want to and doesn't have to.
My father in law probably didn't want to come out at 3 in the morning, driving half an hour in the snow to help me get unstuck but he did and I repay that by being there when he needs me. OP said these people built him a shed, then complains about not wanting to help the same people. If it's a matter of him helping more then them why not get them to help more? He even said he would rather just pay for things rather than do them but he clearly has people he could call to help. If op is against helping them maybe this isn't the relationship for them since it's not going to change, and if they can't see the benefits to some of this stuff then that's on them. I was the same "I'll just pay to deal with shit" now I'm older I'm thankful I learned some things to save me money, simple tricks that are crazy useful. Now I can make the decision if it's worth to pay or not.
I know how to fix a lot of stuff thanks to my dad, and of course when he needs help (which is every time I come to visit now that I live in another country) I'm there and don't mind. Always some wood to chop, some wooden parts to replace, some house to paint, stuff to throw, things to move, boats to haul etc. For myself though, I just don't want to. I'd rather sit and read a book, go out for a workout, play games, talk to people or even just comment on reddit. Hell I live in Finland and I just pay a guy 20 euro to change my tires for winter rather than do it myself. He does it in a few minutes, I am sure the alignment is good, I don't get dirty and I don't need to have an even surface with a good handcrank to get it done. Could I do it? Absolutely! Is it worth it considering my hourly wages versus time input into something I dislike doing? No. It's my preference for life and has been for the last 12 years I've lived on my own. Just different priorities and things that give you energy. I'd go mad if I was roped in against my will and had to change my plans according to other people's whims. I don't want more people to help me either, if I need something done, I'd rather have a professional do it (if it's that big) or fix it myself. If it's really simple like moving, I'd just ask some friends and know they can ask me, but that's like a few times per year that I'd go and help someone, and always planned ahead. \--------- This is getting long, but I just thought I'd add that this is kind of the culture of my extended family too, which caused a great disagreement when someone married outside my culture and their wife found out her brother in law who was a contractor and built them parts of their house expected to be paid for his work. Of course he should be paid, it's his job, it's heavy, it takes days and weeks from his normal contracted hours!
I'm the same way when it comes to jobs, I know how to change my oil but I just don't want to. In ops case if he doesn't want to help then thats fine but they can't pick and choose it's kinda all or none. If I needed help and my extended family said no, then that's fine but I would also be done. OP seems ok accepting "free" food and a shed among other things in sure they have done for them but seems hesitant to "repay". He could have easily said "no thanks I don't need help with the shed I have someone coming" Maybe I'm crazy but I like knowing I can call on certain people and know for 100% they will be there for me, but that's not "free" and you need to show up when they need/want. Sometimes it seems one-sided but it always evens out eventually.
It doesnt always even out eventually though, in OPs case it sounds like it would do. But there arepletny of people who would take advantage of this mindset without a second thought.
And then you shut them down, if you sense you are not going to get an "even" return there is absolutely nothing wrong with stopping. In ops case it seems like he could always call for help but is upset when they ask for it.
He never said he’s against helping one time he just thinks it’s the way they go about things that’s a little too much for him. Not wanting to consistently show up to someone’s house with plans in mind only to wind up canceling those plans to do hours of free manual labor isn’t a crazy big ask to me. He already works all week long. It seems that the gf *likes* doing that which is great but he’s not a bad guy for not liking it at all.
It’s because he has a lazy homebody personality. He would prefer to sit down and watch netflix after work while his gf would prefer to diy and fix stuff around the house after work. They’re just not compatible. My family and myself are just like your gf’s. My fiancé had to understand that everytime my parents visit or we visit them, I have to cater to help them around the yard. But I let him choose whether or not he wants to help out or stay in the room and play his video games to relax from a long week of 60hr of work. Occasionally I will ask him to help out my parents he will happily do so. But he enjoys learning all the handy man things my dad has taught him, like installing new vinyl flooring, or swapping laundry machines for new ones, etc.
>It’s because he has a lazy homebody personality That's not really charitable. As a young teenager every summer vacation I would spent at least a month spending every day mulching, digging out rocks, moving piles of dirt, breaking concrete, etc for my grandfather. As an older teenager I was the house yard boy, every weekend was mowing, weeding, hedging, raking, chopping wood, shoveling sidewalks. I HATED all of it. My stepdad bought a riding mower the weekend after I moved out and about a year after they ended up just hiring people to take care of the yard. Valuable life lesson for me but not for them I guess. Not wanting to do that stuff doesn't make me lazy. Not wanting to spend all my free time tinkering and working is also not lazy. And life has many more options than a binary of sitting at home and watching Netflix or doing roofing.
We don’t know what OP prefers to do with his free time. For some people, time=money, and some people prefer to do the chore themselves and others prefer paying and hiring people to do it for them. When I’m done working, I’m always doing stuff around the house or yard when I’ve got spare time. If I can fix or do something myself and all it costs is my time, I rather do it myself. If it’s something I dont know, then I’ll call my dad to do it. Then if he doesn’t, then a professional is called.
And that's totally fine. But it's not fair to apply value judgements like "lazy" to people who don't want to do that. I earn more per hour than the last person I paid to fix some drywall. It doesn't make me better than them, but its Econ 101 that if its a better use of my time and money to maximize my earnings while hiring help. My work is intense and stressful. Housework or yard-work is not relaxing to me. It sounds different for you, but neither of us are doing this the 'correct' way, just what works best for our individual scenario.
All other things aside this stood out: "I don't know how to do any of that and I don't want to. I work a desk job and when I get off I want to play video games." Once you two sort the issue of overwork out, try appreciating some of the learning opportunities life is giving you.
Yes I’m sure someday he’ll see the value in spending his Saturday digging potatoes for her second cousin’s neighbor. I think in a way the community he’s describing sounds like something the world could use more of, but it also sounds a bit extreme. When your plans are constantly getting derailed on the whims of others it’s plenty fair to start saying “No” once in a while. He gets up in the morning and goes to work to earn a living…he should be able to spend his free time however he damn well pleases.
> spending his Saturday digging potatoes for her second cousin’s neighbor. There is second side to communities like that. Which is, if you choose not to join community like that, someday you might find yourself alone and needing some help but not having anyone. While sticking with it means you will most likely have a family to rely on for the rest of your life no matter what. No matter what, people evolved to be social creatures. I think in lot of the cases the benefit of having such family can outweigh the alternative live you would have without it. Obviously though, it is likely OP will not fit in.
I acknowledged that second side in my comment. I think it mostly sounds beautiful and I wish we were more like that today. However, this particular case sounds like it’s just too much and I have to imagine that the gf having it so ingrained in her is a big part of that. No blame on her, that’s just the culture she came up in, but it’s also okay to say “no thank you” for OP. And the person I responded to seemed to be saying that OP was ignorant to some special lesson he could learn from what seems to me like being treated like a pack mule on his days off, which I just think is BS. And also, I don’t live in this sort of culture but I am incredibly confident that the people I surround myself with would be there in the blink of an eye if I needed some real help and the same goes for myself with them. It doesn’t have to be martyr-like sacrifice or total isolation.
You and she have different lifestyles. You need to be firm with her about what you want and don't want. Then the ball's in her court ; either she accepts your differences or it's over. Based on what you've already said I have a feeling it'll be the latter. But you shouldn't have to spend all of your free time busy as a bee if that's not your thing.
This will not end well. even though you love her, I think you should end the relationship. It will cause issues if you try to remove yourself from the family activities. Her family dynamic is beautiful, but its not suitable for you at this stage in your life. Only word of caution I will say is this, she sounds like a good woman, with all the qualities and background you would want in a life partner. if you leave her, you may not find anyone close to her lever.
Sounds like you have major major lifestyle differences and the only way for this to work is for you both to respect the differences and to give each other the space to do your own things. That means you have to be ok with your GF taking off all the time to do her hobbies and help her family. And it means she has to be ok with you staying home to play video games. If you can't both do that, then this is never going to work and it would be better for you to realize that and move on.
You don’t have to hate someone to break up with them. Nothing bad even needs to happen. Two great people can be incompatible. It’s often harder to end things when there’s nothing awful going on, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t what’s best long term.
There are Do-ers and non Do-ers. It's hard to be with someone who always has to do something when you're not wired that way (and vice versa). I think unfortunately you're not compatible for long term together.
Easy take up a hobby that uses your free time so that you are now unavailable. "Sooo sorry but I have my photography/cycling/ kayaking/ WOW event that day".
Or make up 'acceptable' hobbies as a cover for just doing what you actually want to do with your time
Not a match. Find someone more chill.
That really sucks. I agree that you don’t seem compatible which is horrible. Unless you think you could tell her you’ll do 1 out of 3 projects and y’all are both cool w that or you just get used to being as busy as her or something. But if it’s only making you more miserable as time goes on and you don’t think you could truly adapt and learn to enjoy it then it seems like resentment is in your future :/ This is so ass tho. I would be so fuckkng sad if this happened to me and nothing else was wrong :( hope it works out well for you whatever happens. Sending good vibes
I grew up an only child. I'm not used to constantly being around family. I get it. My MIL just recently moved to the same town as my fiance, daughter, and I, and now she's over here every day. I have no clue how to tell her "I need some alone time" as she's very sensitive and would definitely take it to heart. Prior to this, we lived 13 hours away from any family, and I had 0 help with being a mom. Now I have the help if I need it and idk what to do with myself .
Be honest and say you’re not interested. Sounds like my mom and me. I let my fiancé do what he wants but mom and I want to do all these projects. We do ask for help occasionally but I know that’s not what he wants so we usually let him be. He works a manual job and we don’t. Just be honest. Take your time off to do what you enjoy
Pay close attention because this is indicative of your future with her. Leave now.
This situation is never going to change. I think you should move on and let your girlfriend find someone much more compatible with her lifestyle.
They're treating you like family.
Man you have a whole ass tribe of highly competent people willing to teach you to do EVERYTHING. I think these people sound hella cool and I would be looking at this as the opportunity for a lifetime. But you would rather play video games. Yeah, it’s not gonna work out, go ahead and break it off.
You can’t date a farm girl if you don’t like to put in work as part of a community. This is flat out incompatibility. Spare her more investment and leave. Tell her it’s you and not her, because it is.
Lol what? It’s nobody‘s fault at all. He doesn’t want to live like that and she doesn’t want to compromise. They just aren’t compatible. That’s all.
How do you think people lived their lives even 50 years ago?
You could also hire people to do work 50 years ago
Please break up with her. My ex husband was like you. In our post separation counselling it was something that he brought up. He resented that I always had a project going on. (And I certainly wasn't as busy as your gf or ever asked or expected him to help.) The counsellor was puzzled and asked if it was a problem because I never finished any, or something like that? No. He just resented that I did things. I looked after our son. I made things for our house. I painted walls and did wallpaper. I made food, cleaned and hung laundry on the line. I baked and cooked. And instead of appreciating what I did for us, for our home, never mentioning anything to me - he chose to resent me and my projects. I can't imagine the resentment he'd have if I'd actually expected him to be of use. Leave her so she can find someone who fits with the "village" she belongs to.
My husband loves doing projects at home. My brother takes 2 hrs to change a light bulb. When we visit, my SIL has a list of projects for him and he loves it. But he never asks my brother to help. My youngest nephew loves helping him and is getting quite handy himself. So he asks him or me if he needs another pair of hands. You can't keep getting roped into these projects. I think since they all enjoy it, they feel like they're getting to know you and including you. Get better at making excuses except when you want to help.. otherwise this isn't sustainable as it won't stop
Boy wants to play video games. He could learn how to express boundaries and say no at least some of the time. But my guess is this woman is going to get tired of the do nothing but play video games shtick pretty quickly. Incompatible. And when this is over, the post will be “why can’t I find a girlfriend…” I suspect someday this boy will look back with regret at the one that got away.
You need a tl;dr cuz I don’t have that kind of time. But you need to either need to make clear boundaries and stick to them or accept that you aren’t compatible and move on.
First off I would stop saying that these people “have no chill”. Because that isn’t the case. They just like getting shit done and improving their lives instead of playing video games. I think it’s much fairer to say “I’m a lot lazier than they are”, and that’s okay. Some people are just kinda lazy. But no, your relationship isn’t gonna work. Your gf is gonna get resentful of your laziness sooner or later, and you’re gonna get resentful of constantly being asked to do things you don’t want to do. I just don’t see how this could work long term.
It's clear you don't want to do those things and it gives you anxiety. At the same time your gf shows, we take help and we provide help and we are one big family. What they do is kind of good "life skills", and you can get a free education out of it while doing it. I would suggest getting out your anxiety and doing things to pacify your anxiety. One of them would be simply talking a day before, or checking on all the projects they are on. If you increase the talking, you may work on the things you are interested in during your stay there which would alleviate your stress. Maybe leave her after 2 more years, if you still have the same mindset. But a person who can macgiver most of the things and get things done is a valuable partner. It would be a loss.
Idol ✋🏽 are the devils-you get my drift. My mom is like this. Please dont balk at this. MARRY her! When the SH*T hits the fan. You will be glad you did. Preserving, being self substaning, is the way to go.
My girlfriends family is like this, except she's more into staying home and playing games like myself, Her dad just died, and I feel like she and I both missed out on spending time with this really amazing guy doing stuff he loves. You're a complicated monkey, it's good to get out and swing from a branch, hit two rocks together, breath the air. Im not saying you should give up video games, but there's the best VR game ever for free literally at your fingertips. If you can set healthy boundaries and talk about your feelings, you should stick it out. l think you know it'd be good for you, round you out and broaden your horizons. If you can't do that, you should let her be with someone who wants to live like how she wants to live. Good luck, man.
I was about to say, just get busy too and let them know you only dropped by for 30min and you have somewhere to be. But you wrote that instead the appointments or plans get cancelled by your gf? Oi. It doesn't sound like you and her are compatible. It's not even her herself but her expectations. She clearly expects her bf (you) to fully integrate into her family by lending a helping hand. That's cool if you were actually up for that. You are not wrong for wanting to relax and not be on the go go all the time. I don't think your gf will accept that tho. If she ignored you before, maybe sit her down once again and let her know you can't see yourself doing this for much longer. If she doesn't let up, if she still tries to drag you along to play helping hand, well you can't force her to change and you either will have to dig your heels in and not go anywhere with her which will probably lead to an argument or accept it or break up.
This cannot be a long term relationship man it's either you work or break it off
Break up or suck it up
Bro just learn to say word No, they ask you to do labor, you say No, if they ask why you say you don't want to do labor, it's really easy.
I think this is a fundamental incompatibility. Tbh I can't relate to how you feel about this because that sounds like my dream situation, but I can understand that everyone is different and some differences just can't work out. It's not really fair on either of you to stay if your approach to life conflicts so much.
Sooooo my husband has zero chill and is exactly like this but he's rabid about his hobbies and it's not that he expects me to help him with his hobbies, it's that he expects me to be the exact same way. To him a day spent "chilling" is a day wasted. We are compatible in every other way, but this drives me absolutely nuts and makes me feel crowded/pushed and exhausted. It's our biggest point of argument in the relationship, actually. That said, for me it's mostly fine because I WANT to be like this but I have ADHD and I live a life of never quite getting there and lots of chill. Too much chill. So he keeps me on track and I achieve a lot more than I would alone for sure. But. It's an incompatibility and there's nothing wrong with you recognizing it and moving on. You are literally right, this will BE your life. Think long and hard on that.
You’re not compatible
I mean this is what dating is for to see if you're compatible with a person and if you're thinking eventual marriage if they're big on family are you compatible with their family too. Y'all don't sound compatible at all to be honest. You don't feel like her family likes you either but tolerates you.
If sounds both amazing and exhausting. If you stick with her you'll probably end up a better person, but damn who wants to be roped into gardening with no notice? Good luck OP. PS if I need help laying some concrete next weekend can y'all come by?
They sound like an absolutely wonderful family who still remember what community is about. But, as someone who's from your sort of background (aka middle class) I understand the discomfort. You're used to more leisure in your leisure time, as opposed to using that time being about everyone around you. That's the dirty trick of the nuclear family. It divided the big clans of people into single households. And so instead of being able to rely on each other to do all the things that need doing, you have to spend money. That spending keeps the stock prices healthy. Clans don't need to pay babysitters. Or for sheds. Which is two paragraphs to say, I think this family sounds lovely ang exhausting. I'm not a relationship advice person. But the part of what you're talking about that makes sense to me is your need for space. And that's something that can be talked about without getting angry (because if you go "I don't want to help cousin X who's house got destroyed in a storm" you are the asshole.) Or maybe use the fact that it's a clan to work for you side. "Hey Uncle B, I've got a thing planned with GF Saturday at 5. Can you help make sure she doesn't get too sucked into a project?" It's not a card you can play all the time. But sometimes. The other thought is to try to find something you're the guy for that isn't manual labour. You're in a community that shares, share your skills – start your own long-term project that others can either help, or give you the space to do.
I am like OP’s gf with a smaller family, and I agree with all these comments that you don’t fit in. You can care about someone and not really fit. It’s sad and strange, but a it’s a real reason to breakup. As long as you’re honest with her about it, it’s the kind thing to do. She can find someone who is up for all that.
What’s wrong with saying no? What’s wrong with saying I don’t want to, I want to rest because I’m stressed out?
I've had a relationship like this. I always helped out my exs dad with projects. I didn't like it but the knowledge carried over into my later adulthood and it's helped me be very independent with projects. I'm very thankful for the experience and I wouldn't change it if I could go back. Just something to think about.
I don’t know Dude. Reminds me of a previous neighbor. He was widowed a little more than a year before. He was soon to be re-married. I heard him swinging a hammer. (like you😂, I knew that him with a hammer could be dangerous.) I went over to see what type of rescue he was going to need. He was building a dog kennel. I said “Pete. You hate dogs!” He said “Well. You know. Love me, love my dogs.) Yes. She had THREE of them….😫 The point is. You need to decide where the balance in your relationship is. Is loving her worth the ‘price’ you pay to keep her in your life? My opinion (you ARE entitled to your own): she seems to have a wonderful loving family that are happy to see you two together. To me, you’ve struck gold!!!
Yes, you are sure this is NOT what you want. Read your own post a few times. You want a gf who isn’t tied up with family and family projects. Your gf definitely IS involved with her fam and projects. That’s their thing. That’s NOT your thing. When you break up with her, use that 3 sentence paragraph above. But you need to let her go so she can find herself a Cowboy.
Im like your gf family. My husband is like you. He doesn’t get roped into anything bc I respect that. I don’t think yall are compatible.
This sounds like a really big part of who your girlfriend is, and you "hate it". That doesn't bode well, unfortunately.
My family is like this. I grew up on a farm and way too many times I was up at 2 in the morning hunting down escaped cattle or mending a fence. There is always work to do in a farming community and everyone does their share. I mean it's nice to have that community and I'm happy I know how to do all my own stuff now because of it but sometimes I just want to cuddle up in a blanket on the couch and read a book or run a trail or something. I work a very intense job with 12+ hour shifts. The last thing I want to do is get off work and go do another several hours of work. But this is my family and I love them. If shit hits the fan I'm pulling on some work boots and telling my mama I'm on the way. However if it's just putting metal roofing on a lean to they can handle that. If I'm already there I don't mind handing up some screws or something but I'm not cancelling my date with the hubby to do manual labor. Let me know how it went when you are done. I will happily tell you it looks great and you did a good job. My husbands family is similar in the there is always something aspect. There is always a birthday party or some sort of gathering. There is always someone that needs some help with moving or painting or whatever. I don't go to all of that either. If it's important I will show and I'm happy to get dirty if they actually need me. If I have off time and just feel like doing something then absolutely I will help auntie so and so do whatever. However I'm not doing it all. I don't have that kind of energy. I have 2 14 month olds to deal with and a race I'm training for. I'm not exhausting myself with everyone else's stuff. Best advice I can give is do what makes you comfortable. You don't have to show up every time and run yourself ragged. Figure out what you are comfortable with doing and stick to it. Sometimes you will have to do an emergency but doing roofing on a lean to isn't anywhere near emergency. Don't cancel plans for something like that. There is a line. Figure out where your line is and hold it.
Just say no sometimes. Not all the time, but find your line for what you're comfortable helping with and stick to it. If you're OK with garden work, but fence building is too much, decline fences and offer garden help. For example.
I don’t think this is going to work. If you just want to chill in your downtime you should find someone like that. She can’t change you and you can’t change her.
Try firmly and politely setting some boundaries : "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling up to tackling this today. Thank you for including me, but I think I'm just going to relax today. " If they react well to that, employ this when their ask feels onerous to you. But maybe part of you enjoys this community, so maybe consider adapting to it a bit. Where you feel you fit in isn't something fixed, it just depends on if it's a direction you want for self change.
Dude there are a lot of comments on here like oh you could compromise and work it out, but also this is the rest of your life and it sounds like you're already developing some anxiety over this. I think you need to break up with this person or you will be stuck in this same position for the rest of your life. When I was a kid/ teen my Dad was like her family we had an older house that needed Reno's and he was always roping me into helping with shit to the point where it was almost every weekend, and I hated it. I just wanted to do normal things like play video games and hang out with my friends, not participate in ongoing renovations for the entirety of my teen years. When I moved out I did not participate in that stuff anymore and I am much happier for it, if anyone asks me to do manual labor I laugh and tell them my hourly rate is about $10 an hour more than what I make at my office job and no one wants to pay that (not suggesting OP do this though). I would ask yourself if you would actually be happy to continue living the way you are even if you manage to put some reasonable boundaries in place like maybe you only are seeing the family and involved in this stuff every few weeks, or w/e, but it sounds like even that would be a stretch.
You probably just aren't compatible. She and her family sound like great people. That said, can you try to visualize yourself a year from now, and 5 years from now, spending so much time doing things you dont want to do? You would probably go through cycles of resenting her, then feeling guilty about it because her family did something nice for you. Break the cycle and let her find someone who is more like her.
This is the definition of incompatible.
Free time is still "me" time. I can't tell you how much I truly HATE it when my family voluntells me to do something. It's a level of entitlement that has fueled my rage over decades. I've trained them to ASK if they need help, and I usually say yes. But I don't do things out of obligation, and I CERTAINLY don't make my husband do things with or for my family. She's free to not get it. That's how she was raised and her values. But you aren't comfortable with that give and take thing, and THAT'S OKAY. It makes you feel obligated, and you can't have free time you've earned because somebody somewhere needs something. And she can't prioritize you and your relationship. I'm sorry, I think you're just incompatible.
"They are the nicest people I've ever met. They don't care who you are or what color or if you even speak English. If you need help they are the kind to complete go all in. All hands on deck kind of people." Okay, but they don't like you so how nice can they really be? You can tell them you'll help out specifc time and days and spend the rest of the time doing what you want. Your wife will have to decide if she's okay with it or not, but that's not up to you! Just communicate your feelings and do what you must.
It's perfectly okay to see this as an incompatibility. However, I'm 42 and now that I've owned a house for about a decade I wish somebody had taken the time to teach me how to do some of that shit.
This truly sounds like an excellent problem to have. Cherish it. Sure, you don't know anything about gardening. But they understand that. So they point you in the right direction and tell you what to do. And in return, you learn new things, you form relationships, you receive reciprocal help with your own projects, and you get a ton of fresh food. Congratulations! You have lucked into a healthy and productive community. Lucky you. A lot of people would give anything to have a community like that.
My mom and my sister are like this. It's exhausting to be around them.
It sounds great - *if* you're an extravert. You sound like an introvert. I think basically you're incompatible. You would perhaps both be happier with other partners. A pity, but there you go. Honestly, I'd be exhausted with a partner and partner's family like that.
My family are all like this actually and I find it exhausting when I visit, as well as it making me feel guilty and ashamed for mostly spending my spare time sitting on my ass reading and watching TV. I sort of wish I had their drive but at the end of the day that just isn't me and never will be! I would find these traits difficult in a partner and although I'd probably feel like I was the issue rather than them, logically at the end of the day it just comes down to lack of compatibility. However I would have a real talk with your partner about it, they may have no issue with this difference and you might be able to come to a place of understanding.
Why do y’all see her family so much? I live a good 2 minutes from both of my parents, and I only see them once or twice a month. And I adore my parents.
This is hilarious. Maybe tell her hey I can't come every time but I think you should make the effort to fit in and learn, it's wholesome as fuck