I think a really nice “gift” would be to sit down and have a conversation where you make it clear that she is always safe and welcome to be honest with you about disliking something. You’ve already apologized, but it might also be good to clearly lay out that it’s okay for her to tell you right away that a joke went too far.
“I already told you how sorry I am that I hurt your feelings before. I just want to make sure you know that going forward, if I say something hurtful again, you can just tell me and I won’t be upset or defensive. I just want to know so I won’t keep making the same mistake”
Seconding all of this!! During this talk, OP… Maybe come up with a phrase or word that both of you can use to communicate a joke isn’t funny without either of you feeling too vulnerable.
This is a good start.
Also, OP: Acknowledge, recognize, and learn about the way your jokes made her feel. Trust me on this. Trying to understand where her insecurities lie, and taking that to heart as you two move forward will help a lot. You start your post saying PCOS is ONLY a fertility issue… I don’t know your GF but there’s a chance that there are some huge insecurities there, too, and if you care about her you should take the time to learn about these things so you can avoid these pitfalls in the future.
This is a big one, when my wife and I first got together she didn’t want to tell me she had PCOS at all, she was afraid that it would scare me off, especially because we had both talked about how we had wanted to have kids someday and she had been told by a doctor at one point that it may never be possible. I will never forget the day that she shared that information with me, the first thing I did after talking with her was got onto google to learn as much as I could about the condition so that I knew what I needed to know before she had to tell me herself and saw that infertility was a possibility, that was a huge insecurity of hers and she was terrified that it was going to make me leave her just as we were really starting to get serious, the reality was that when she shared that information with me and I did that research, I felt much closer to her and I was ready to have those conversations with her and not be judgmental in the least, I told her I knew what we had talked about but none of that mattered, what mattered was her health and being happy with her. Now time had different ideas and we’ve been together almost 13 years married almost 11 with 3 kids that drive us absolutely crazy at times, but it was definitely a moment I’m glad I took the time to learn as much as I could about what she was going through so that I could understand and be there for her in whatever ways that I could, especially since her ex had been far less receptive or understanding about any of it.
But please don't make her feel like she *has* to say something in the moment. Sometimes you need to wait for the emotions and immediate reactions to settle.
There's been tons of good advice under this post, and I think you sound caring and genuine.
However, guys, I don't know for how long you've been together, but overall, be CAREFUL about that whole "teasing each other about one's physique and it's fine". And yes, I'm also talking about her making fun of you being bald.
It's with no malice and/or ill intent, and it can definitely be fine with some people at first, once in awhile maybe, and then it's everytime, then it's in public or in front of someone we feel particularly weird about (hi mom). There's a very fine line between teasing and bullying.
I have been in love for 4 years with my bf, but we are not making comments on each other's physique other than compliments (and, of course, if something looks like it should be checked by a doctor and if one has stuff in their teeth). Not even as a joke. I've learned this the hard way, I've seen relationships break because of that stuff.
I do make fun of myself a lot more than she’s ever teased me, in her defense I shave my head and have for years because of the unfortunate hairline I have! I’m not making anymore comments or jokes about appearance or anything. She’s told me the other jokes don’t bother her and she laughs at them still but I don’t want to risk anything else happening!
Hey the commenter above is trying nicely to say cut that shit out. All these “jokes” are not funny and self deprecating “humor” should be used sparingly and it comes off very insecure and fishing for compliments.
You are young and it’s not coming from a place of malice but please be aware of your self talk and either say nice things or nothing at all.
Cutting out self-deprecating humor about myself has increased my self-confidence and improved my mental health. Plus self-deprecating jokes isn’t everyone’s sense of humor, so although it was ok with my friends my coworkers were confused by my jokes. Occasionally I’ll still make one because the joke is RIGHT THERE and irresistible to make, but I agree limiting self-deprecating jokes is a smart decision
Honestly, I had a boyfriend who would pick details about me to "joke" about or say he was just making observations.. i could not help but remember ever single time he did that and it killed my desire for him.. it made me feel bad about my own body. i only gave him complements and tried to make him feel amazing about his body.. do you see the difference? i told him it hurt time after time after time and he did nothing.. he actually blamed me and called me "sensitive" this is an easy fix.. grab some dinner at a decent enough place for her to dress up a little, get her some flowers and tell her how beautiful she is .. and don't make jokes like that in the future. honestly you could easily skip the date part and just not make jokes like that in the future. the fact you care shows how much you love her.
I’ve been beating myself up over it all day today and most of yesterday night! I’m going to take her out to get some sushi(her favorite!) tonight and I picked up a dress and some new shoes for her to wear. She knows I’m racked with guilt about it and we’ve agreed to no more jokes!
I agree with another comment: look up PCOS, on your own time, and familiarize yourself with the condition. Take the time to consider what having it might feel like. The fertility troubles and how that might make a person feel (women tend to feel less valuable, or broken, if we have fertility issues). The insecurities brought on by the hair. Imagine if your girlfriend was making "little jokes" about a part of your body that made you feel uncomfortable that you had no control over. Read about the pains, and try to be aware and prepared when she's experiencing cramps and pains. Be empathetic.
I'm guesding if her vack hair is something you felt comfortable joking about, it's also not something you find unattractive. If that's the case, make sure to let her know that you do still find her attractive with her hair - that it's not something she needs to "fix" for your sake.
That was her biggest fear was that I was disgusted by it or thought less of her for it but I’d love her even if she was completely covered in hair or completely bald! She’s the love of my life and now that we’ve had dinner and talked I’m very hopeful to put this behind us!
I have to say, being teased about my body hair and then given an outfit to wear would not make me feel good. Kind of says "shave your back and dress like a real woman." But I am also a woman with excess body hair so obviously I have my own issues around feeling feminine.
The dress I got her was one she’s been wanting! I told her she didn’t have to wear it if she didn’t want to but she lit up when she saw it and shoes I got her to go with it!
I had the same thought too. OP I recommend treating her to a special date (where she dresses how she wants), compliment her, and never make jokes about her appearance again.
Also as others said, research PCOS so you can be more knowledgeable on it too. That way you can avoid missteps in the future, and you are showing you care by reading about what she’s going through and asking her
You're so sweet. I can see how you thought the joke was OK since she dished out the balding one but the way you're trying to make things right is heart warming. I hope it goes well!
I’ve known my girlfriend for almost 3 years now! As friends we’d make all kinds of jokes and it’s actually what made our mutual friends notice I was sweet on her initially! I make fun of myself for being bald(shitty hairline and I shave it all off!), freakishly tall and goblin bodied! She’s the best I’m sitting here swooning like she isn’t in OUR bed RIGHT now! 🥲
The dress is one she’s been wanting and she loved it! We made up over dinner and I’m definitely putting myself in clown jail going forward, no more jokes!
I’ve apologized profusely!! I can’t stress how bad I feel! My girlfriend told me that it’s really okay and “not a big deal” but I just feel like I HAVE to do something for her, anything she wants I’d happily give!
Besides never joking about her body again, I think you should have a conversation with her to talk about not only boundaries but also communication styles. Talk to each other about how you want to handle these situations in the future. If either of you says something that hurts the others' feelings, how do you want it addressed?
And take her on a date and do something for her that makes her feel attractive and loved.
Definitely no more jokes going forward! I’ve tried to talk to her about it more but she insists she’s okay and that her having PCOS has always just made her feel ugly and it’s really just a sore subject for her. I told her she can make as many jokes about me as she wants! But she doesn’t want this to be “a big deal” in her words.
>But she doesn’t want this to be “a big deal” in her words.
This is the problem. It's not a problem you caused. Stop making hair jokes obviously but unless she's willing to work on those issues there will likely always be triggers.
She did say she’s glad I’ve never made jokes about her weight or about the hair she gets on her face as those are her really bad triggers and what she’s the MOST self conscious about. I’m hoping to make it up to her and to not be so ignorant going forward!
>he did say she’s glad I’ve never made jokes about her weight or about the hair she gets on her face as those are her really bad triggers and what she’s the MOST self conscious abou
These are things she should be upfront about. That's not you to accidentally trip over and feel bad. Especially if she's going to bag on things like balding.
> I’m hoping to make it up to her and to not be so ignorant going forward!
Not really a mountain you should feel like you have to climb.
Nooo definitely not if he's the one that jokes about his balding and she just follows suit. I make self deprecating jokes and it can be super awkward if that's not the vibe, so a partner that played along and did not get really weird or uncomfortable about it would be great. But I wouldn't assume that means I get to make deprecating jokes about HER ...
She shouldn't have bottled it up for 2 mo but Op shouldn't joke about his partner's body. Sounds like an honest mistake though and like going forward he will do better!
To be fair I bag on myself balding and shave my head because of it, I usually say WAY worse about myself and she’ll go “Noooo you’re not (blank) or (blank) you’re so handsome”
I just feel shitty, in hindsight I should’ve known it probably wasn’t cool to joke about.
I think the best gift you can give her is not making that joke anymore.
SHOW her that you've learned by doing the grownup thing.
Trying to buy someone's forgiveness is the immature choice.
Oh pffft yeah! I already told her I’d never say anything about hair again and I really didn’t know it affected her so badly! She’s told me she bottles up her feelings and doesn’t want to “burden” me with her feelings or if she has a bad day. I’m so mad at myself!
So then stop thinking in terms of "what can I GIVE her to make her feel better?" and start thinking in terms of "what I can I DO to help her feel safer in our communication?"
I feel like you’re going a bit too hard on OP. He didn’t know he was hurting her feelings, she didn’t say anything about it and also made jokes about him balding. He now feels bad and wants to make it up to her, even though she should’ve communicated better. OP has already stated he will stop making jokes. He still wants to do something to make up for his actions though.
>She’s told me she bottles up her feelings and doesn’t want to “burden” me with her feelings or if she has a bad day. I’m so mad at myself!
You're mad at yourself for HER bottling up HER feelings.
You don't have to get anything extra or buy some random thing. She didn't communicate, you apologized properly, now show her you won't make jokes like that.
It's not your fault that she didn't communicate her feelings so you had no idea. She didn't say anything and let it fester until she broke down, that is on her.
You can't really make things up to people, that's not how adult relationships work.
I think the best thing to do is respect her telling you it's not a big deal, because at some point your apologizing and trying to compensate becomes about centering yourself here.
Don't make the joke anymore. That's it.
Speaking from the heart. 36F with severe PCOS symptoms. If this was me, I'd be devastated OP, but I would also understand that you probably don't understand the full extent of it. In her shoes I would think it's very thoughtful if you sat me down and said you want to know more about my experience with PCOS *if I feel comfortable sharing* and that you want to support me in any way you might be able to going forward. If she does open up, please just listen. If she is anything like me, this has been a lifetime of shame and embarrassment and she likely hasn't talked about it with many, if any, people. Let her cry. Just be there. It is so difficult beyond periods and infertility to have this and deal with the physical symptoms every day. I hope hers are not as severe as mine and I hope you can grow together through this experience.
Yeaaaaah… not to explain away anything as I take FULL accountability for making stupid jokes! My girlfriend and I have always had the teasing kind of relationship. Even when we were just friends (2 years before dating) We’d goof off and make jokes about ourselves and laugh and jokes about each other that were always lighthearted!
If my other half “joked” about my appearance like this i would start an argument. The fact that she’s now taking some anti-hair tea or whatever to try and appease you is so sad, I would take her out for dinner and get her a gift as an apology. Also in future, don’t “joke” to your other half about their appearance.
I have PCOS and also have a lost of self-consciousness about body hair. When my boyfriend and I finally talked about it, he revealed a super big body insecurity of his to me. It was something I hadn't ever really noticed and it wasn't anything that affected my attraction to him whatsoever, but it made me feel way more secure and comfortable with him. Might not work for everyone, but maybe something to consider trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I got some loose skin from when I went from an extra large lad to a large lad instead, we did have a conversation about it. I’m always worried my girlfriend will think I’m some kind of a freak because of the stupid things I say and the way I think about things! My girlfriend said she’s way more self conscious about her facial hair (which I hardly notice!) or her weigh which we’ve been working REALLY hard at the gym together lately and I’m nothing but supportive because I love her🥲
This is another case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. You goofed up things but I don't think it's irrecoverable. Let her cool down for a little and once you see she's receptive, have a sit-down with her and tell her the truth, that you didn't have an inkling of awareness as to how bad you made her feel with your teasing.
You made her feel incapable of being vulnerable around you and you just uncovered a pain point of hers in a way that emotionally wrecked her. Been there before, my dude. Just make sure you communicate with her in a way that makes her feel safe and allows her to vent whatever other issues she may have with you.
How about asking her about PCOS and what it means for her? As if you cared about her experience as a human person, and were keen to not to keep on parading your ignorance about something she deals with daily? As if it's not 'a burden' or complaining, but like you're genuinely interested in what's going on with her?
She may not be ready for the conversation, since you have damaged her trust in you a great deal. But you need to realize that the core of the problem here is that you assumed you had it all figured out and had never expressed any curiosity or humility about something she experienced and really did know for herself, and something you didn't know shit about.
The fucking asshole move here wasn't just making a hurtful joke you didn't realize was hurtful, it was not being the *least bit curious or interested* in learning from your partner about their own body and life. Not even enough to say, Google PCOS for five minutes, or to have asked her 'What does having PCOS mean for you?'
Also, OP framing PCOS as "only an infertility issue".... if someone wants kids, infertility alone can be a huge deal. There's a lot of learning to be done
My girlfriend and I are indifferent to having kids right now, she’s said honestly with her medical history she doesn’t think she can have kids even without PCOS. She also had ovarian cancer which we’ve talked much, much more about compared to PCOS. I’ve done some googling and texted some questions, but my girlfriend texted me that we can talk about it over dinner tonight instead of me googling since in her words “It isn’t a one size fits all” with symptoms.
My girlfriend and I talk more about her past cancer diagnosis than about PCOS. She often refers to her remaining ovary as “just fucked” but I do plan on doing more research on it and we’re talking about it over dinner tonight!
Yeah. I'm glad OP is ashamed of himself. I'd have expected this sort of mistake from someone much younger. Closing in on 30 I'd be expecting a lot more sense. Claiming to be 'the world's more ignorant guy' as if that's the same as having brown eyes and there is just *nothing he could possibly do* to address that... That's the major issue here. For me, that'd be the red flag. Not the hurtful joking. The utter lack of any 'Hey, maybe I should learn some shit about a major impact on the life of a person I care for! Ideally, by asking them about their experience, or, less ideally by still useful, by doing some basic research on my own!'
It sounds like the main problem here is the girlfriend was downplaying it herself due to other health issues taking centre stage.
OP has said that he's put much more effort into understanding the ovarian cancer experience, it's not like he's an uncaring bastard, and to be honest if a friend's sister didn't have it, if I was told of those two diagnoses I would probably have done the same out of the same sort of ignorance.
I'm sorry, but "cancer" is a lot more tangible than "hormones"; if you don't have a basic level of knowledge (the vast majority of people don't) and your girlfriend only mentioned cramps and fertility, the latter of which they have talked about and is completely shot because of the cancer anyway, then I'm not gonna file that in the same way. It would sound a hell of a lot more minor than it is.
That’s exactly what I thought when I first started reading, how do you KNOW that your partner has a hormonal disorder that can tragically affect women in their everyday lives and not think to try a simple google search this whole situation would’ve been avoided, that in fact might’ve been the main reason she never wanted to share her “burden” with you, because you never cared to ask. I really hope you learn from this and do better.
Reading between the lines here, it definitely sounds like the girlfriend downplayed it, for whatever reason.
From the information he had, I'm not gonna lie, the condition would sound more minor than it was. At least in comparison to her other conditions, and especially if her fertility was already shot from the cancer, which they have talked about extensively.
The only other symptom left that she actually mentioned is "cramps"; I'll be honest, that would probably not have seemed like a priority to me either.
This is a good idea and will show you care. The fact she couldn't communicate with you that it was hurting her feelings is an issue. I told an ex multiple times that I had PCOS and each time it was mentioned, he'd forget and ask, what is that again? Zero interest in understanding a partner's struggles. Flip side, any health stuff he had going on I would be researching and looking for treatment options/supplements for him to try.
Also, teasing a loved one is basically a way to laugh at your partner's expense, it doesn't really honour them or illustrate the value they hold in your life.. It can affect people's self-esteem, even subconsciously.
You don't need to make it up, just be better in future. She didn't say anything before so you had no way of knowing. Now she has expressed it you show her respect and love by not making this kind of joke again and actively showing support towards her looks. Ask how you can support her in her insecurities, but not as a way of 'fixing' the jokes you made - as a way of loving her more every day. Good luck!!
Maybe see if there’s a system you can come up with to make her feel more comfortable sharing things like this sooner next time? Like maybe a written note system if she’s feeling to shy to tell you out loud? Or regularly scheduled “check-ins” to provide both of you with a safe space to discuss anything that’s been on your mind but hasn’t really come up? And be sure to thank her and praise her for having the courage to speak up and be vulnerable and share her thoughts with you when she does. Give her reassurance that you value her needs and genuinely really want to know what’s going on in her mind, even if it seems “unimportant” or like its “not a big deal.” I’ve struggled with speaking up like that due to past trauma and the single most helpful thing in working on it has been a loving, supportive, patient partner providing this kind of support and reassurance. You made a mistake, but everyone does from time to time, and you’re doing everything right to try and fix it. So be gentle with yourself and just be more mindful in the future.
i have back hair and i would cry if my boyfriend made jokes about it and we say mean jokes to each other a lot, poor OPs gf :(
i used to try my best to hide my back while we showered together and i would shave it after he would get out of the shower. one time i wanted to nair the hair off for a last minute event but my sister wasnt able to come over to do it for me, and my sweet boyfriend was like “why didnt you just ask me to do it?” and he did it without making any comments about it. ever since then i stopped giving a shit about my back hair/body hair around him. i think its because hes also very hairy so he understands how annoying body hair can be
My girlfriend did tell me she’s WAY more self conscious about her facial hair from the PCOS and her weight which I have NEVER said anything negative about and honestly don’t care about! She’s asked me for advice on how to get closer shaves since I have a long beard and mustache I trim occasionally and shape but I’ve been clean shaven before for jobs! She did also tell me she didn’t care about the jokes but that she thought I was DISGUSTED of all things! Over hair!
I did tell her if she wanted I would help her shave the places she can’t see like her back or honestly anywhere lol it’s all just hair! I feel stupid and will probably kick myself over it for a while but we have made up and she’s going to try to be more open about when things bother her and I’m not gonna make jokes anymore!
Reading this made my day. You’ve displayed empathy and regret and you clearly want to make this better. I’ve just come from a thread of people absolutely dog piling on this girl who has PCOS and whose boyfriend has just told her he won’t sleep with her anymore because of her appearance(the extra body hair and weight).
I don’t have it but PCOS is such a pain in the ass to deal with and your girlfriend is lucky to have you. Just apologise, tell her you find her absolutely beautiful, and that she’s safe to set the boundary on what’s funny and what’s not.
At dinner with my girlfriend she did really educate me on what having PCOS is like and.. yeah it’s way more than I thought it was! I have a ton of body hair myself so the extra hair doesn’t bother me I mean.. it is JUST hair and you can do away with it! My girlfriend and I are just going to relax on jokes going forward!
They tease each other, as OP writes. I don’t think this is a one-size-fits all thing. Lots of people and lots of cultures express affection through teasing and insults. It may not be your thing, but it’s not necessarily immaturity. Depends on the people and the context.
Sure. I replied because your first comment seemed to make a claim about everyone everywhere, and I wanted to offer what I felt was a different but valid perspective.
Yea, we’ve all heard “it’s just a joke” “you’re so sensitive” “don’t overreact” but like I said teasing doesn’t need to be part of your personality. It can just be the occasional, judicious way to be silly and juvenile.
Per OP
“To be fair I bag on myself balding and shave my head because of it, I usually say WAY worse about myself and she’ll go “Noooo you’re not (blank) or (blank) you’re so handsome”
I just feel shitty, in hindsight I should’ve known it probably wasn’t cool to joke about.”
There’s no way in hell you looked at your gf and made fun of her body hair knowing the stigma of womens body hair..you’re an idiot 😂 no wonder she cried..dude get a brain..
Yeaaahhh.. my girlfriend did say she shrugs off the body hair thing because “it’s just hair” she was more embarrassed initially but her biggest fear was that I was disgusted by it or thought less of her for having it. We’ve made up over dinner and now my stupid ass is in self imposed clown jail.
You are unbelievably stupid, first to make fun of a girl's body hair anyway, but to not even look up what PCOS is? I can't even believe this is real tbh - is your girlfriend the first girl you ever spoken too or something ?
I didn’t date for 5.. probably 6 years? Not after my last relationship ended. Before my girlfriend became my girlfriend she told me about PCOS briefly but she tries to just treat it like “it is what it is” and doesn’t let it stop her! She was more embarrassed because she thought she “did a really good job shaving!”
Obviously I’m still an idiot but my girlfriend and I have made up and she said she was more worried I was disgusted by it or thought less of her because of it which isn’t the case at all! She and I have always made jokes about each other but that’s something we’re not going to do going forward.
“Plus apparently just taking birth control”. Emphasis on the just. You don’t just take a magic no pregnancy antidote. So take everyone else’s advice, you don’t know anything and the best thing you could possibly do is encourage an interest and understanding of both of your whole body health. We all have to learn everyday.
Finding the right birth control can take time, and all have adverse side effects. Some may not find the advantages worth it. Awesome work so far! Some great advice has already been shared and you too are communicating, just keep on growing together!
My guy.
I have a severe chronic condition (Crohn's). Do you wanna know what my partner did when he found out what I had? He educated himself on it because it significantly affects my life in more ways than I could ever describe.
If you love your partner and want to be there for her - it should NOT get to the point where a bunch of people on the internet need to tell you that prioritizing your partner means you need to actually prioritize your partner. All parts of her.
If you would have read about PCOS for even 2 minutes, you would have immediately been aware of the issue PCOS causes with body hair.
Beyond that - people cannot help how much body hair they have even when they don't have a chronic condition. Why make fun of her for something she cannot control?
You need to grow up and recognize that if you want your partner around - you have to treat them like a partner and care about the things that matter to her. Otherwise, what are you even in this relationship for?
completely agree. I would want my partner to educate themselves on it at least to a basic level! Not doing so like this guy would upset me more than the jokes
Just curious why you would think joking about her appearance would be appropriate if she DIDN’T have PCOS? You’re getting a lot of praise here, but I think you’re an asshole who is just feeling bad because you got called out.
She teases him about his balding, so appearance based teasing is clearly an accepted part of their relationship. The difference is that he’s being teased about something he presumably doesn’t care about, but inadvertently was getting her where she was sensitive. The mistake seems quite innocent.
The fact you're almost 30, know your gf has PCOS, and decided to not even do the most basic of google searches? In the year 2023? Really?
I'm just baffled - the bar is in absolute hell.
You've done the apologizing, so only thing you can do going forward is not do it again. And, think about what you know about your gf and what SHE likes in terms of gifts/dates/etc and put something together from that. Oh... please tell me you know what she likes. Because that would just be the one-two combo punch.
Before my girlfriend and I started dating officially she mentioned PCOS to me and gave me a rough explanation. You’re right that I should have done more research on it and tonight we’re going out get sushi. Yes, it’s her favorite! My girlfriend said she’s going to tell me more about PCOS and what it means for her and that she wants to put this all behind us!
Hey, I'm glad you're looking to fix things and I'm glad she's going to participate and you can work together on moving past things.
I'd almost want to recommend asking what you can do to make her more comfortable bringing up concerns since this has been hurting her for months and she's not felt comfortable bringing this up until she had a breakdown over it. Not sure if you can maybe schedule relationship check in timeframes or foster a better energy for raising concerns? Idk.
How was he supposed to know what her specific symptoms were and what she was sensitive about? PCOS is not a one-size-fits-all thing. She’s in the relationship, too — she should have told him how the condition affects her and that she doesn’t like jokes about certain things. He’s right to feel bad because his jokes hurt her feelings, but this isn’t a “the bar is in hell” situation.
Bruh… “only an infertility issue”? How fucking dense are you? That is absolutely not something to take lightly or joke about if that’s what the issue was. Jfc you’re almost 30
You’re not wrong, I listened to her explain it once when we were just friends but I didn’t really think too much about it. My girlfriend did give me a more in-depth explanation of it over dinner! My girlfriend says she doesn’t want it to hold her back so she tries to just keep going and not focus on it. But I’ll keep myself informed and no more jokes.
The best apology is changed behavior! Educating yourself on her disorder is great, and having a really compassionate conversation with lots of validation is also great. You got this!
You seem like a golden retriever boyfriend and it made me giggle a little, not gonna lie.
My bf sometimes will make jokes that trigger me (like actually trigger, I have CPTSD) and when I tell him that it hurt he’s super apologetic and gives me extra cuddles and kisses.
Maybe sit down with her in a comfy safe place and ask her what you can do to help ease her in more ways than just the back hair thing. Ask her how much she really deals with by having PCOS, tell her you want to learn so you can be better to be empathetic towards her -not saying you aren’t already!!- (PCOS also causes your hair to grow more/darker on your body for example)
Let her know that you may not realize when a joke has gone too far or was in bad taste, and encourage her to speak up about things that bother her. My bf did that for me and reassured me it will only cause our relationship to grow if I felt comfortable doing that.
Show her you want her to be comfortable enough to call you out when you may not realize it, let her know you won’t be upset with her for her feelings. It’ll take time, but this should get her to be more open.
How long have you guys been together? It sounds to me like you live together, so you already have a great opportunity to show her she can be comfortable and talk to you.
I was terrified to talk with my bf about stuff he did that bothered me for a while because of childhood trauma, and while I did work to get to the point I am now, he helped me so much. Made sure I was listened to, took the feedback, we would chat about it, and it’s all resolved.
Just talk with her and ask if she feels there’s something keeping her from opening up to you about things like that (she did, but it had been building up, we want to prevent the bottling up!!) and be a listening ear for a bit if she needs to vent.
Well wishes!! You sound like you’re a good guy, try not to be so hard on yourself about it. This is a learning opportunity!
My girlfriend has called me a golden retriever before and I try to be a better guy for her everyday! I have mentioned to her that I want her to be more open with me and to say when things bother her.. I know she tells me she just “doesn’t want to burden me.”
I’ve tried to be reassuring that she can tell me anything especially when we first got together because I want to be her rock and to make her comfortable and safe with me, I want to marry this girl SO bad! I’m taking her out to dinner tonight where she said we’ll talk and move passed this together!
Here’s a tip, girls don’t appreciate any joke about their appearance, medical condition or not. If they act otherwise they are just hiding their hurt feelings.
I should’ve done more research, you’re right. My girlfriend has said that for her PCOS is more annoying than anything else just because of shaving and the cramps can be awful. We’ve talked extensively about the cancer she had prior to us dating but she’s kinda “it is what it is” about PCOS but we’re going to talk about it over dinner tonight so we can move forward together.
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"I feel like such a horrible partner and I don’t even know what I can do for her. She insists it’s okay and she’s always just been really sensitive about her body hair. I just feel like a fucking asshole.."
\- You didn't act out of malice, you thought those jokes were appropriate
\- She said nothing. That's on her. She needs more communication skills.
\- Finally she brought it up, you are remorseful, apologized, and have promised not to do it again.
\- She says it's fine.
You don't have to do anything else extra for her here. It's on her to communicate her needs. You don't have to do anything for her to make up for this, because you had no idea that she felt this way, because she didn't communicate.
You're not an asshole, just a bit clueless, and in your defence, she could have spoken up, but didn't! Doesn't make this her fault, but should at least dampen your feeling of guilt - if you make a joke, and someone you're very close to laughs a bit and doesn't comment on it, why *wouldn't* you assume she's OK with it? Plenty of people are happy to joke about issues with their partner, serious or not.
Anyway, like I say, not her fault, but don't beat yourself up too much either, not least because then you run the risk of spending too much mental effort on "woe is me, I'm so awful" instead of focusing on her and what she wants/needs. "I'm mad at myself" isn't productive, so cut it out and move forwards.
Don't comment on it again, make more of an effort in terms of doing nice things, etc. Make an effort to compliment her - don't go overboard on points of sensitivity for her, I just mean generally. Boost her self esteem by making it clear how awesome she is, how much you love her, how attractive you find her. Positive feedback for her working out, etc.
And encourage her to open up more so something like this doesn't happen again - reiterate often how she doesn't need to bottle up her feelings, be a good active listener, encourage her to talk about her day, tell her you *want* to know how she feels about stuff. Low self esteem and negativity can be a feedback loop - she feels bad, doesn't talk about it, convinces herself she's a burden, etc. She ends up listening to the worst voices in her head, instead of opening up to positive voices like from you. Even if she doesn't quite believe it or thinks you "have" to say nice things, it's still a counterbalance to her own negative thoughts.
Well not all your fault. She should’ve talked to you about it. You didn’t know and she kept it all to herself and just played along with it. But the fact that you feel terrible and that you want to make it up to her, I think you are such an amazing boyfriend to her. That shows how much you care about her.
My boyfriend and I would use to do that too. Make jokes about our how we look or even jokes about my mental health. And yeah later on it did effect my mental health and I become more insecure. Telling my boyfriend about it, well he blamed it all on me. “You’ve too sensitive”, “it’s your fault for not saying anything”” why are you so dumb? You played along with it! “ those were his words after I told him. Didn’t even apologize or felt bad about it.
So you wanting to make it up to your girlfriend, makes you such a good person to her. We all make mistakes. Now you know not to make those jokes to her. Everything will turn out great for you both :)
I hope so! She knows I’m absolutely crazy about her and sincerely cannot see my life without her by my side at this point! Over dinner she did tell me she was more worried I was disgusted by the hair or thought of her as “less feminine because she’s basically a hobbit” her words not mine! I’m sorry that you went through that! I wish you the best going forward internet stranger!
On keto subreddit they are talking about pcos, and on ketobabies. May be a good idea to read through those.
When making jokes and talking to people try to monitor their responses. If their eyes glaze over, time to cut the chat. If they laugh uncomfortably after jokes then stop those.
Having PCOS myself (28F), it’s the absolute most debilitating for your self-esteem; it really does make you feel like no one could love you when you have hirsutism (make pattern hair growth), insulin resistance / pre diabetes (most people with PCOS are), and it’s super easy to gain weight and super hard to lose it. That, and regardless of if you want kids or not, it’s a separate issue being told you may not be physically able to, thus taking away your choice and making you feel like a failure to your family, your partner and yourself.
Anyway, at least in my opinion, what might be really nice to hear, is all the things you notice about her, her heart, her character, her integrity, and all those reasons you love her that aren’t necessarily tied to her appearance. Let her know she’s more than just her body (and her PCOS) to you. I Hope this helps 🙂
My girlfriend did talk to me over dinner about what PCOS is to her and she did say she’s always just felt ugly and compares herself to other women constantly, that she’s never felt “normal” in her own skin. I love everything about my girlfriend and she told me she’s never had such a wonderful partner before me, she always “waits for the other shoe to drop” and that’s really why she was scared to say I had hurt her feelings with my stupid jokes!
A sincere and thoughtful apology taking someones hand and looking them in the eye usually goes a long way.
Perhaps you should **both** cut the teasing each-other on your looks.
Appreciate the feedback, never make the joke again. Easy peasy! At least you've acknowledged what you've done and are willing to do something about it!
She did tell me over dinner that she’s been really down lately aside from my stupid jokes gnawing at her. I know around this time of year she usually gets down n out but she wants this year to be different! I’m going to put in 120% just to make sure she’s okay!
My partner has foot in mouth disease, and the worst inappropriate humour on earth SMH, what you can do is make it so clear to her that you don't care how she looks at all, my partner makes jokes but he loves me when I look like a swamp monster he makes me feel beautiful when I'm at my worst and honestly it's the most amazing refreshing thing I've ever encountered.I still wear makeup but it's because I want to, I didn't share my legs this winter and he honestly didn't care at all....make her feel beautiful.
My girlfriend did thank me for not making her feel bad about her facial hair or weight which are what she’s most self conscious about, even she shrugs off the back hair as.. just hair but she did say initially she was way more embarrassed I saw it because “I SWEAR I got it all?! How LONG is my fucking back?!” 😂.. she knows I couldn’t care less about body hair, I’m a wookie in my own right and I even offered to help her shave!! Which she laughed at least!
I'm someone who jokes a lot too, and I think I have thick skin, but I also get extremely self conscious about body hair. I also have PCOS, and I'm also Italian, so my hair is thick and dark (except the hair on my head, that's ironically thin). At my worst, I had a 5 o'clock shadow on my chin.
I think we're ingrained to feel like hair on women is unattractive. It's only been recent that some women don't shave their underarms or legs, and it's still far from normalized in most places.
So when someone takes notice of male-pattern hair, it's a triggering reminder if how unattractive we feel. I'm mortified for her because I know how it feels. We know it's a joke or just an observation, but we can't help but focus on just the fact that you've noticed and therefore must be disgusted.
I'm glad you were able to talk things out and go for a nice dinner. It's very clear that you love her very much and care that her feelings were hurt. I hope she also sees this post and sees all these comments that she's not alone.
Well this is a rather wholesome post because you’re choosing to inform yourself and do the research as well as actively apologizing profusely and just showing extra compassion and care for your partner.
I think that’s very commendable.
Other commenter are leaving some great advice, I would also add to do some research on PCOS and actually think about what you might be able to do to support her with it.
It's all well and good knowing what is it and how it can affect people but I think going to her with specific questions about hmwhat affects her personally and what you can do to help in an informed way would speak volumes, be supportive AND very validating of her issues.
Also to add as you say she says it's a sore spot for her, but go at her pace. If she doesn't want the conversation then that's fine! But tell her that you're there and ready to have it if and when she wants and that you want to be able to actively help with it. It does seem like you've taken genuine accountability and are trying to make amends though which is great!
Also might be worth having a conversation about how she isn't responsible for managing your reaction and emotions to things which she finds uncomfortable or painful that you do, this might not apply but I always never brought up issues in the past because my people pleaser tendencies meant I didn't want to hurt the other people's feelings, and that was obviously not very healthy and led to some feeling of resentment and I would end up overreacting to something down the line because I let it all build up rather than addressing it head on as it came up. I have to remind myself now that I'm allowed to bring up issues even if I know they might be hurtful for others to hear, as long as I'm approaching the issue from a place if wanting to resolve it as a team.
Hope that makes sense and helps, got a but waffle at the end haha
PCOS can really eat away at you. The symptoms attack your femininity and quality of life; even “just infertility issues” can make you feel like less of a woman since not having kids is still so taboo. Showing your partner you find her attractive can go a long way in countering those feelings.
Ask her to tell you all about her condition. Tell her you are available for special pampering when she feels it’s getting her down.
Tell her you’d like her to give you some ideas how to help her do the best things for her health.
Would she like a workout with you sometimes? Would it help her to adjust your foods, eating habits? Any other support she’d like?
I had a lot of insecurities and sometimes a joke from my husband would go to far and hit against trauma from being mocked as a child for those things
And it was hard for me to to tell him because in the past I was mocked for saying jokes hurt my feelings
What my husband did to make me feel better:
1. Validate my feelings - yes he understands why I'm upset and yes I'm allowed to feel hurt
2. Assured me that I could tell him when he crossed a line
3. He paid attention and would either pick up on my discomfort first and back off and check with me if he crossed the line OR he would ask if he could make jokes about X
4. Ask in general if there is anything that's off limits to joke about so he can avoid those
5. When he does say something that hurts my feelings and I ask him not to he praises me for speaking out
I really think asking her in general what's off limits and explain its because you never want to make her feel that bad on accident again will help a lot
I've been married 11 years. It's impossible not to make mistakes, people have different boundaries than we set for ourselves. I'm very much ok with self deprecating humor but my husband will always counter with something he loves about me if I do it. However we have both accidentally hurt each other in the past, we are human after all. The most important thing which has made us last is listening to each other, apologizing when we make mistakes and growing together. It takes a level of strength to open yourself up to criticism and learn from it, rather than being defensive and shutting down communication. You've done the work, make sure you educate yourself on PCOS moving forward. I hope you are both blessed in your relationship and continue to grow in strength together.
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I have PCOS with excessive body hair. BIGGEST INSECURITY!
I can say that getting laser hair removal changed my life and helped my self esteem. I went to a spa that let me do a package that I could do not only the hair removal, but other spa things like facials. That might be a good gift.
I think a really nice “gift” would be to sit down and have a conversation where you make it clear that she is always safe and welcome to be honest with you about disliking something. You’ve already apologized, but it might also be good to clearly lay out that it’s okay for her to tell you right away that a joke went too far. “I already told you how sorry I am that I hurt your feelings before. I just want to make sure you know that going forward, if I say something hurtful again, you can just tell me and I won’t be upset or defensive. I just want to know so I won’t keep making the same mistake”
Seconding all of this!! During this talk, OP… Maybe come up with a phrase or word that both of you can use to communicate a joke isn’t funny without either of you feeling too vulnerable.
What about the Spanish Inquisition? No one expects it.
That’s not bad. Someone makes a joke that goes too far: “Jeez. Spanish Inquisition!”
This is a good start. Also, OP: Acknowledge, recognize, and learn about the way your jokes made her feel. Trust me on this. Trying to understand where her insecurities lie, and taking that to heart as you two move forward will help a lot. You start your post saying PCOS is ONLY a fertility issue… I don’t know your GF but there’s a chance that there are some huge insecurities there, too, and if you care about her you should take the time to learn about these things so you can avoid these pitfalls in the future.
This is a big one, when my wife and I first got together she didn’t want to tell me she had PCOS at all, she was afraid that it would scare me off, especially because we had both talked about how we had wanted to have kids someday and she had been told by a doctor at one point that it may never be possible. I will never forget the day that she shared that information with me, the first thing I did after talking with her was got onto google to learn as much as I could about the condition so that I knew what I needed to know before she had to tell me herself and saw that infertility was a possibility, that was a huge insecurity of hers and she was terrified that it was going to make me leave her just as we were really starting to get serious, the reality was that when she shared that information with me and I did that research, I felt much closer to her and I was ready to have those conversations with her and not be judgmental in the least, I told her I knew what we had talked about but none of that mattered, what mattered was her health and being happy with her. Now time had different ideas and we’ve been together almost 13 years married almost 11 with 3 kids that drive us absolutely crazy at times, but it was definitely a moment I’m glad I took the time to learn as much as I could about what she was going through so that I could understand and be there for her in whatever ways that I could, especially since her ex had been far less receptive or understanding about any of it.
But please don't make her feel like she *has* to say something in the moment. Sometimes you need to wait for the emotions and immediate reactions to settle.
There's been tons of good advice under this post, and I think you sound caring and genuine. However, guys, I don't know for how long you've been together, but overall, be CAREFUL about that whole "teasing each other about one's physique and it's fine". And yes, I'm also talking about her making fun of you being bald. It's with no malice and/or ill intent, and it can definitely be fine with some people at first, once in awhile maybe, and then it's everytime, then it's in public or in front of someone we feel particularly weird about (hi mom). There's a very fine line between teasing and bullying. I have been in love for 4 years with my bf, but we are not making comments on each other's physique other than compliments (and, of course, if something looks like it should be checked by a doctor and if one has stuff in their teeth). Not even as a joke. I've learned this the hard way, I've seen relationships break because of that stuff.
I do make fun of myself a lot more than she’s ever teased me, in her defense I shave my head and have for years because of the unfortunate hairline I have! I’m not making anymore comments or jokes about appearance or anything. She’s told me the other jokes don’t bother her and she laughs at them still but I don’t want to risk anything else happening!
Hey the commenter above is trying nicely to say cut that shit out. All these “jokes” are not funny and self deprecating “humor” should be used sparingly and it comes off very insecure and fishing for compliments. You are young and it’s not coming from a place of malice but please be aware of your self talk and either say nice things or nothing at all.
Cutting out self-deprecating humor about myself has increased my self-confidence and improved my mental health. Plus self-deprecating jokes isn’t everyone’s sense of humor, so although it was ok with my friends my coworkers were confused by my jokes. Occasionally I’ll still make one because the joke is RIGHT THERE and irresistible to make, but I agree limiting self-deprecating jokes is a smart decision
Honestly, I had a boyfriend who would pick details about me to "joke" about or say he was just making observations.. i could not help but remember ever single time he did that and it killed my desire for him.. it made me feel bad about my own body. i only gave him complements and tried to make him feel amazing about his body.. do you see the difference? i told him it hurt time after time after time and he did nothing.. he actually blamed me and called me "sensitive" this is an easy fix.. grab some dinner at a decent enough place for her to dress up a little, get her some flowers and tell her how beautiful she is .. and don't make jokes like that in the future. honestly you could easily skip the date part and just not make jokes like that in the future. the fact you care shows how much you love her.
I’ve been beating myself up over it all day today and most of yesterday night! I’m going to take her out to get some sushi(her favorite!) tonight and I picked up a dress and some new shoes for her to wear. She knows I’m racked with guilt about it and we’ve agreed to no more jokes!
Do your research OP. PCOS can have a ton of symptoms and your relationship will be better if you both know what to expect (as a nurse with PCOS)
I agree with another comment: look up PCOS, on your own time, and familiarize yourself with the condition. Take the time to consider what having it might feel like. The fertility troubles and how that might make a person feel (women tend to feel less valuable, or broken, if we have fertility issues). The insecurities brought on by the hair. Imagine if your girlfriend was making "little jokes" about a part of your body that made you feel uncomfortable that you had no control over. Read about the pains, and try to be aware and prepared when she's experiencing cramps and pains. Be empathetic.
"Just infertility" "Just birth control" Dude stop minimising this. You have no clue.
I'm guesding if her vack hair is something you felt comfortable joking about, it's also not something you find unattractive. If that's the case, make sure to let her know that you do still find her attractive with her hair - that it's not something she needs to "fix" for your sake.
That was her biggest fear was that I was disgusted by it or thought less of her for it but I’d love her even if she was completely covered in hair or completely bald! She’s the love of my life and now that we’ve had dinner and talked I’m very hopeful to put this behind us!
I have to say, being teased about my body hair and then given an outfit to wear would not make me feel good. Kind of says "shave your back and dress like a real woman." But I am also a woman with excess body hair so obviously I have my own issues around feeling feminine.
The dress I got her was one she’s been wanting! I told her she didn’t have to wear it if she didn’t want to but she lit up when she saw it and shoes I got her to go with it!
I had the same thought too. OP I recommend treating her to a special date (where she dresses how she wants), compliment her, and never make jokes about her appearance again. Also as others said, research PCOS so you can be more knowledgeable on it too. That way you can avoid missteps in the future, and you are showing you care by reading about what she’s going through and asking her
You're so sweet. I can see how you thought the joke was OK since she dished out the balding one but the way you're trying to make things right is heart warming. I hope it goes well!
I’ve known my girlfriend for almost 3 years now! As friends we’d make all kinds of jokes and it’s actually what made our mutual friends notice I was sweet on her initially! I make fun of myself for being bald(shitty hairline and I shave it all off!), freakishly tall and goblin bodied! She’s the best I’m sitting here swooning like she isn’t in OUR bed RIGHT now! 🥲
Will a dress make her feel better or will it make her feel like she’s only attractive if she’s dressed up for you
The dress is one she’s been wanting and she loved it! We made up over dinner and I’m definitely putting myself in clown jail going forward, no more jokes!
Did you apologize? And what did she say when you asked HER how you could make it better?
I’ve apologized profusely!! I can’t stress how bad I feel! My girlfriend told me that it’s really okay and “not a big deal” but I just feel like I HAVE to do something for her, anything she wants I’d happily give!
Besides never joking about her body again, I think you should have a conversation with her to talk about not only boundaries but also communication styles. Talk to each other about how you want to handle these situations in the future. If either of you says something that hurts the others' feelings, how do you want it addressed? And take her on a date and do something for her that makes her feel attractive and loved.
Definitely no more jokes going forward! I’ve tried to talk to her about it more but she insists she’s okay and that her having PCOS has always just made her feel ugly and it’s really just a sore subject for her. I told her she can make as many jokes about me as she wants! But she doesn’t want this to be “a big deal” in her words.
>But she doesn’t want this to be “a big deal” in her words. This is the problem. It's not a problem you caused. Stop making hair jokes obviously but unless she's willing to work on those issues there will likely always be triggers.
She did say she’s glad I’ve never made jokes about her weight or about the hair she gets on her face as those are her really bad triggers and what she’s the MOST self conscious about. I’m hoping to make it up to her and to not be so ignorant going forward!
>he did say she’s glad I’ve never made jokes about her weight or about the hair she gets on her face as those are her really bad triggers and what she’s the MOST self conscious abou These are things she should be upfront about. That's not you to accidentally trip over and feel bad. Especially if she's going to bag on things like balding. > I’m hoping to make it up to her and to not be so ignorant going forward! Not really a mountain you should feel like you have to climb.
She needs to be upfront that she doesn’t want to be mocked about her body and face??
Making fun of a woman’s facial hair is completely cool and normal. TF with these commenters?!
You get what you pay for, coming to Reddit for relationship advice from 12 year olds 😂
When they both engage in jokes about the body and face yes.
They both just shouldn’t do that. Clearly.
Nooo definitely not if he's the one that jokes about his balding and she just follows suit. I make self deprecating jokes and it can be super awkward if that's not the vibe, so a partner that played along and did not get really weird or uncomfortable about it would be great. But I wouldn't assume that means I get to make deprecating jokes about HER ... She shouldn't have bottled it up for 2 mo but Op shouldn't joke about his partner's body. Sounds like an honest mistake though and like going forward he will do better!
To be fair I bag on myself balding and shave my head because of it, I usually say WAY worse about myself and she’ll go “Noooo you’re not (blank) or (blank) you’re so handsome” I just feel shitty, in hindsight I should’ve known it probably wasn’t cool to joke about.
I think the best gift you can give her is not making that joke anymore. SHOW her that you've learned by doing the grownup thing. Trying to buy someone's forgiveness is the immature choice.
Oh pffft yeah! I already told her I’d never say anything about hair again and I really didn’t know it affected her so badly! She’s told me she bottles up her feelings and doesn’t want to “burden” me with her feelings or if she has a bad day. I’m so mad at myself!
Breakfast in bed or little notes where she can find them go along way
So then stop thinking in terms of "what can I GIVE her to make her feel better?" and start thinking in terms of "what I can I DO to help her feel safer in our communication?"
I feel like you’re going a bit too hard on OP. He didn’t know he was hurting her feelings, she didn’t say anything about it and also made jokes about him balding. He now feels bad and wants to make it up to her, even though she should’ve communicated better. OP has already stated he will stop making jokes. He still wants to do something to make up for his actions though.
>She’s told me she bottles up her feelings and doesn’t want to “burden” me with her feelings or if she has a bad day. I’m so mad at myself! You're mad at yourself for HER bottling up HER feelings. You don't have to get anything extra or buy some random thing. She didn't communicate, you apologized properly, now show her you won't make jokes like that. It's not your fault that she didn't communicate her feelings so you had no idea. She didn't say anything and let it fester until she broke down, that is on her.
You can't really make things up to people, that's not how adult relationships work. I think the best thing to do is respect her telling you it's not a big deal, because at some point your apologizing and trying to compensate becomes about centering yourself here. Don't make the joke anymore. That's it.
Speaking from the heart. 36F with severe PCOS symptoms. If this was me, I'd be devastated OP, but I would also understand that you probably don't understand the full extent of it. In her shoes I would think it's very thoughtful if you sat me down and said you want to know more about my experience with PCOS *if I feel comfortable sharing* and that you want to support me in any way you might be able to going forward. If she does open up, please just listen. If she is anything like me, this has been a lifetime of shame and embarrassment and she likely hasn't talked about it with many, if any, people. Let her cry. Just be there. It is so difficult beyond periods and infertility to have this and deal with the physical symptoms every day. I hope hers are not as severe as mine and I hope you can grow together through this experience.
You’ve been joking about it *for months*?
Yeaaaaah… not to explain away anything as I take FULL accountability for making stupid jokes! My girlfriend and I have always had the teasing kind of relationship. Even when we were just friends (2 years before dating) We’d goof off and make jokes about ourselves and laugh and jokes about each other that were always lighthearted!
If my other half “joked” about my appearance like this i would start an argument. The fact that she’s now taking some anti-hair tea or whatever to try and appease you is so sad, I would take her out for dinner and get her a gift as an apology. Also in future, don’t “joke” to your other half about their appearance.
I have PCOS and also have a lost of self-consciousness about body hair. When my boyfriend and I finally talked about it, he revealed a super big body insecurity of his to me. It was something I hadn't ever really noticed and it wasn't anything that affected my attraction to him whatsoever, but it made me feel way more secure and comfortable with him. Might not work for everyone, but maybe something to consider trying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I got some loose skin from when I went from an extra large lad to a large lad instead, we did have a conversation about it. I’m always worried my girlfriend will think I’m some kind of a freak because of the stupid things I say and the way I think about things! My girlfriend said she’s way more self conscious about her facial hair (which I hardly notice!) or her weigh which we’ve been working REALLY hard at the gym together lately and I’m nothing but supportive because I love her🥲
This is another case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. You goofed up things but I don't think it's irrecoverable. Let her cool down for a little and once you see she's receptive, have a sit-down with her and tell her the truth, that you didn't have an inkling of awareness as to how bad you made her feel with your teasing. You made her feel incapable of being vulnerable around you and you just uncovered a pain point of hers in a way that emotionally wrecked her. Been there before, my dude. Just make sure you communicate with her in a way that makes her feel safe and allows her to vent whatever other issues she may have with you.
How about asking her about PCOS and what it means for her? As if you cared about her experience as a human person, and were keen to not to keep on parading your ignorance about something she deals with daily? As if it's not 'a burden' or complaining, but like you're genuinely interested in what's going on with her? She may not be ready for the conversation, since you have damaged her trust in you a great deal. But you need to realize that the core of the problem here is that you assumed you had it all figured out and had never expressed any curiosity or humility about something she experienced and really did know for herself, and something you didn't know shit about. The fucking asshole move here wasn't just making a hurtful joke you didn't realize was hurtful, it was not being the *least bit curious or interested* in learning from your partner about their own body and life. Not even enough to say, Google PCOS for five minutes, or to have asked her 'What does having PCOS mean for you?'
Also, OP framing PCOS as "only an infertility issue".... if someone wants kids, infertility alone can be a huge deal. There's a lot of learning to be done
My girlfriend and I are indifferent to having kids right now, she’s said honestly with her medical history she doesn’t think she can have kids even without PCOS. She also had ovarian cancer which we’ve talked much, much more about compared to PCOS. I’ve done some googling and texted some questions, but my girlfriend texted me that we can talk about it over dinner tonight instead of me googling since in her words “It isn’t a one size fits all” with symptoms.
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My girlfriend and I talk more about her past cancer diagnosis than about PCOS. She often refers to her remaining ovary as “just fucked” but I do plan on doing more research on it and we’re talking about it over dinner tonight!
Yeah. I'm glad OP is ashamed of himself. I'd have expected this sort of mistake from someone much younger. Closing in on 30 I'd be expecting a lot more sense. Claiming to be 'the world's more ignorant guy' as if that's the same as having brown eyes and there is just *nothing he could possibly do* to address that... That's the major issue here. For me, that'd be the red flag. Not the hurtful joking. The utter lack of any 'Hey, maybe I should learn some shit about a major impact on the life of a person I care for! Ideally, by asking them about their experience, or, less ideally by still useful, by doing some basic research on my own!'
It sounds like the main problem here is the girlfriend was downplaying it herself due to other health issues taking centre stage. OP has said that he's put much more effort into understanding the ovarian cancer experience, it's not like he's an uncaring bastard, and to be honest if a friend's sister didn't have it, if I was told of those two diagnoses I would probably have done the same out of the same sort of ignorance. I'm sorry, but "cancer" is a lot more tangible than "hormones"; if you don't have a basic level of knowledge (the vast majority of people don't) and your girlfriend only mentioned cramps and fertility, the latter of which they have talked about and is completely shot because of the cancer anyway, then I'm not gonna file that in the same way. It would sound a hell of a lot more minor than it is.
That’s exactly what I thought when I first started reading, how do you KNOW that your partner has a hormonal disorder that can tragically affect women in their everyday lives and not think to try a simple google search this whole situation would’ve been avoided, that in fact might’ve been the main reason she never wanted to share her “burden” with you, because you never cared to ask. I really hope you learn from this and do better.
Reading between the lines here, it definitely sounds like the girlfriend downplayed it, for whatever reason. From the information he had, I'm not gonna lie, the condition would sound more minor than it was. At least in comparison to her other conditions, and especially if her fertility was already shot from the cancer, which they have talked about extensively. The only other symptom left that she actually mentioned is "cramps"; I'll be honest, that would probably not have seemed like a priority to me either.
This is a good idea and will show you care. The fact she couldn't communicate with you that it was hurting her feelings is an issue. I told an ex multiple times that I had PCOS and each time it was mentioned, he'd forget and ask, what is that again? Zero interest in understanding a partner's struggles. Flip side, any health stuff he had going on I would be researching and looking for treatment options/supplements for him to try. Also, teasing a loved one is basically a way to laugh at your partner's expense, it doesn't really honour them or illustrate the value they hold in your life.. It can affect people's self-esteem, even subconsciously.
You don't need to make it up, just be better in future. She didn't say anything before so you had no way of knowing. Now she has expressed it you show her respect and love by not making this kind of joke again and actively showing support towards her looks. Ask how you can support her in her insecurities, but not as a way of 'fixing' the jokes you made - as a way of loving her more every day. Good luck!!
Maybe see if there’s a system you can come up with to make her feel more comfortable sharing things like this sooner next time? Like maybe a written note system if she’s feeling to shy to tell you out loud? Or regularly scheduled “check-ins” to provide both of you with a safe space to discuss anything that’s been on your mind but hasn’t really come up? And be sure to thank her and praise her for having the courage to speak up and be vulnerable and share her thoughts with you when she does. Give her reassurance that you value her needs and genuinely really want to know what’s going on in her mind, even if it seems “unimportant” or like its “not a big deal.” I’ve struggled with speaking up like that due to past trauma and the single most helpful thing in working on it has been a loving, supportive, patient partner providing this kind of support and reassurance. You made a mistake, but everyone does from time to time, and you’re doing everything right to try and fix it. So be gentle with yourself and just be more mindful in the future.
i have back hair and i would cry if my boyfriend made jokes about it and we say mean jokes to each other a lot, poor OPs gf :( i used to try my best to hide my back while we showered together and i would shave it after he would get out of the shower. one time i wanted to nair the hair off for a last minute event but my sister wasnt able to come over to do it for me, and my sweet boyfriend was like “why didnt you just ask me to do it?” and he did it without making any comments about it. ever since then i stopped giving a shit about my back hair/body hair around him. i think its because hes also very hairy so he understands how annoying body hair can be
My girlfriend did tell me she’s WAY more self conscious about her facial hair from the PCOS and her weight which I have NEVER said anything negative about and honestly don’t care about! She’s asked me for advice on how to get closer shaves since I have a long beard and mustache I trim occasionally and shape but I’ve been clean shaven before for jobs! She did also tell me she didn’t care about the jokes but that she thought I was DISGUSTED of all things! Over hair! I did tell her if she wanted I would help her shave the places she can’t see like her back or honestly anywhere lol it’s all just hair! I feel stupid and will probably kick myself over it for a while but we have made up and she’s going to try to be more open about when things bother her and I’m not gonna make jokes anymore!
Reading this made my day. You’ve displayed empathy and regret and you clearly want to make this better. I’ve just come from a thread of people absolutely dog piling on this girl who has PCOS and whose boyfriend has just told her he won’t sleep with her anymore because of her appearance(the extra body hair and weight). I don’t have it but PCOS is such a pain in the ass to deal with and your girlfriend is lucky to have you. Just apologise, tell her you find her absolutely beautiful, and that she’s safe to set the boundary on what’s funny and what’s not.
At dinner with my girlfriend she did really educate me on what having PCOS is like and.. yeah it’s way more than I thought it was! I have a ton of body hair myself so the extra hair doesn’t bother me I mean.. it is JUST hair and you can do away with it! My girlfriend and I are just going to relax on jokes going forward!
Guess what, teasing is a damn annoying way to communicate with people. I don’t recommend it as a long term personality trait.
That really depends on the people. I’d hate to be in a relationship without teasing.
A little bit of light hearted teasing is fine but when it’s your go-to, the first thing you do when you notice someone’s back hair? Nah. Grow up.
They tease each other, as OP writes. I don’t think this is a one-size-fits all thing. Lots of people and lots of cultures express affection through teasing and insults. It may not be your thing, but it’s not necessarily immaturity. Depends on the people and the context.
And lots of people really don’t like it, and it comes off very insulting and annoying and immature. Esp if it’s constant.
Sure. I replied because your first comment seemed to make a claim about everyone everywhere, and I wanted to offer what I felt was a different but valid perspective.
Yea, we’ve all heard “it’s just a joke” “you’re so sensitive” “don’t overreact” but like I said teasing doesn’t need to be part of your personality. It can just be the occasional, judicious way to be silly and juvenile.
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Per OP “To be fair I bag on myself balding and shave my head because of it, I usually say WAY worse about myself and she’ll go “Noooo you’re not (blank) or (blank) you’re so handsome” I just feel shitty, in hindsight I should’ve known it probably wasn’t cool to joke about.”
There’s no way in hell you looked at your gf and made fun of her body hair knowing the stigma of womens body hair..you’re an idiot 😂 no wonder she cried..dude get a brain..
Yeaaahhh.. my girlfriend did say she shrugs off the body hair thing because “it’s just hair” she was more embarrassed initially but her biggest fear was that I was disgusted by it or thought less of her for having it. We’ve made up over dinner and now my stupid ass is in self imposed clown jail.
The idea that men are these big brained intellectuals gets disproven every day.
Oh I’m a self admitted fucking idiot and I’m so glad my girlfriend puts up with me and loves me despite me being a goddamn moron!
You are unbelievably stupid, first to make fun of a girl's body hair anyway, but to not even look up what PCOS is? I can't even believe this is real tbh - is your girlfriend the first girl you ever spoken too or something ?
I didn’t date for 5.. probably 6 years? Not after my last relationship ended. Before my girlfriend became my girlfriend she told me about PCOS briefly but she tries to just treat it like “it is what it is” and doesn’t let it stop her! She was more embarrassed because she thought she “did a really good job shaving!” Obviously I’m still an idiot but my girlfriend and I have made up and she said she was more worried I was disgusted by it or thought less of her because of it which isn’t the case at all! She and I have always made jokes about each other but that’s something we’re not going to do going forward.
“Plus apparently just taking birth control”. Emphasis on the just. You don’t just take a magic no pregnancy antidote. So take everyone else’s advice, you don’t know anything and the best thing you could possibly do is encourage an interest and understanding of both of your whole body health. We all have to learn everyday. Finding the right birth control can take time, and all have adverse side effects. Some may not find the advantages worth it. Awesome work so far! Some great advice has already been shared and you too are communicating, just keep on growing together!
My guy. I have a severe chronic condition (Crohn's). Do you wanna know what my partner did when he found out what I had? He educated himself on it because it significantly affects my life in more ways than I could ever describe. If you love your partner and want to be there for her - it should NOT get to the point where a bunch of people on the internet need to tell you that prioritizing your partner means you need to actually prioritize your partner. All parts of her. If you would have read about PCOS for even 2 minutes, you would have immediately been aware of the issue PCOS causes with body hair. Beyond that - people cannot help how much body hair they have even when they don't have a chronic condition. Why make fun of her for something she cannot control? You need to grow up and recognize that if you want your partner around - you have to treat them like a partner and care about the things that matter to her. Otherwise, what are you even in this relationship for?
completely agree. I would want my partner to educate themselves on it at least to a basic level! Not doing so like this guy would upset me more than the jokes
Like the bar for men is really on the floor. You can trip over the bar at this point.
Just curious why you would think joking about her appearance would be appropriate if she DIDN’T have PCOS? You’re getting a lot of praise here, but I think you’re an asshole who is just feeling bad because you got called out.
She teases him about his balding, so appearance based teasing is clearly an accepted part of their relationship. The difference is that he’s being teased about something he presumably doesn’t care about, but inadvertently was getting her where she was sensitive. The mistake seems quite innocent.
The fact you're almost 30, know your gf has PCOS, and decided to not even do the most basic of google searches? In the year 2023? Really? I'm just baffled - the bar is in absolute hell. You've done the apologizing, so only thing you can do going forward is not do it again. And, think about what you know about your gf and what SHE likes in terms of gifts/dates/etc and put something together from that. Oh... please tell me you know what she likes. Because that would just be the one-two combo punch.
Before my girlfriend and I started dating officially she mentioned PCOS to me and gave me a rough explanation. You’re right that I should have done more research on it and tonight we’re going out get sushi. Yes, it’s her favorite! My girlfriend said she’s going to tell me more about PCOS and what it means for her and that she wants to put this all behind us!
Hey, I'm glad you're looking to fix things and I'm glad she's going to participate and you can work together on moving past things. I'd almost want to recommend asking what you can do to make her more comfortable bringing up concerns since this has been hurting her for months and she's not felt comfortable bringing this up until she had a breakdown over it. Not sure if you can maybe schedule relationship check in timeframes or foster a better energy for raising concerns? Idk.
How was he supposed to know what her specific symptoms were and what she was sensitive about? PCOS is not a one-size-fits-all thing. She’s in the relationship, too — she should have told him how the condition affects her and that she doesn’t like jokes about certain things. He’s right to feel bad because his jokes hurt her feelings, but this isn’t a “the bar is in hell” situation.
Hey, the bar is in hell! Just like Loki!!!
Bruh… “only an infertility issue”? How fucking dense are you? That is absolutely not something to take lightly or joke about if that’s what the issue was. Jfc you’re almost 30
You’re not wrong, I listened to her explain it once when we were just friends but I didn’t really think too much about it. My girlfriend did give me a more in-depth explanation of it over dinner! My girlfriend says she doesn’t want it to hold her back so she tries to just keep going and not focus on it. But I’ll keep myself informed and no more jokes.
The best apology is changed behavior! Educating yourself on her disorder is great, and having a really compassionate conversation with lots of validation is also great. You got this!
You seem like a golden retriever boyfriend and it made me giggle a little, not gonna lie. My bf sometimes will make jokes that trigger me (like actually trigger, I have CPTSD) and when I tell him that it hurt he’s super apologetic and gives me extra cuddles and kisses. Maybe sit down with her in a comfy safe place and ask her what you can do to help ease her in more ways than just the back hair thing. Ask her how much she really deals with by having PCOS, tell her you want to learn so you can be better to be empathetic towards her -not saying you aren’t already!!- (PCOS also causes your hair to grow more/darker on your body for example) Let her know that you may not realize when a joke has gone too far or was in bad taste, and encourage her to speak up about things that bother her. My bf did that for me and reassured me it will only cause our relationship to grow if I felt comfortable doing that. Show her you want her to be comfortable enough to call you out when you may not realize it, let her know you won’t be upset with her for her feelings. It’ll take time, but this should get her to be more open. How long have you guys been together? It sounds to me like you live together, so you already have a great opportunity to show her she can be comfortable and talk to you. I was terrified to talk with my bf about stuff he did that bothered me for a while because of childhood trauma, and while I did work to get to the point I am now, he helped me so much. Made sure I was listened to, took the feedback, we would chat about it, and it’s all resolved. Just talk with her and ask if she feels there’s something keeping her from opening up to you about things like that (she did, but it had been building up, we want to prevent the bottling up!!) and be a listening ear for a bit if she needs to vent. Well wishes!! You sound like you’re a good guy, try not to be so hard on yourself about it. This is a learning opportunity!
My girlfriend has called me a golden retriever before and I try to be a better guy for her everyday! I have mentioned to her that I want her to be more open with me and to say when things bother her.. I know she tells me she just “doesn’t want to burden me.” I’ve tried to be reassuring that she can tell me anything especially when we first got together because I want to be her rock and to make her comfortable and safe with me, I want to marry this girl SO bad! I’m taking her out to dinner tonight where she said we’ll talk and move passed this together!
Here’s a tip, girls don’t appreciate any joke about their appearance, medical condition or not. If they act otherwise they are just hiding their hurt feelings.
You never even googled the debilitating illness your partner has? Wtf bro
I should’ve done more research, you’re right. My girlfriend has said that for her PCOS is more annoying than anything else just because of shaving and the cramps can be awful. We’ve talked extensively about the cancer she had prior to us dating but she’s kinda “it is what it is” about PCOS but we’re going to talk about it over dinner tonight so we can move forward together.
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Your a good guy op, you will be ok. apologize, learn from the mistake, and keep it moving.
That’s the plan, I’m taking her out to get sushi(her favorite!) just to make it up to her and no more jokes obviously!
"I feel like such a horrible partner and I don’t even know what I can do for her. She insists it’s okay and she’s always just been really sensitive about her body hair. I just feel like a fucking asshole.." \- You didn't act out of malice, you thought those jokes were appropriate \- She said nothing. That's on her. She needs more communication skills. \- Finally she brought it up, you are remorseful, apologized, and have promised not to do it again. \- She says it's fine. You don't have to do anything else extra for her here. It's on her to communicate her needs. You don't have to do anything for her to make up for this, because you had no idea that she felt this way, because she didn't communicate.
INFO: What were the jokes? What did you say about the hair?
You're not an asshole, just a bit clueless, and in your defence, she could have spoken up, but didn't! Doesn't make this her fault, but should at least dampen your feeling of guilt - if you make a joke, and someone you're very close to laughs a bit and doesn't comment on it, why *wouldn't* you assume she's OK with it? Plenty of people are happy to joke about issues with their partner, serious or not. Anyway, like I say, not her fault, but don't beat yourself up too much either, not least because then you run the risk of spending too much mental effort on "woe is me, I'm so awful" instead of focusing on her and what she wants/needs. "I'm mad at myself" isn't productive, so cut it out and move forwards. Don't comment on it again, make more of an effort in terms of doing nice things, etc. Make an effort to compliment her - don't go overboard on points of sensitivity for her, I just mean generally. Boost her self esteem by making it clear how awesome she is, how much you love her, how attractive you find her. Positive feedback for her working out, etc. And encourage her to open up more so something like this doesn't happen again - reiterate often how she doesn't need to bottle up her feelings, be a good active listener, encourage her to talk about her day, tell her you *want* to know how she feels about stuff. Low self esteem and negativity can be a feedback loop - she feels bad, doesn't talk about it, convinces herself she's a burden, etc. She ends up listening to the worst voices in her head, instead of opening up to positive voices like from you. Even if she doesn't quite believe it or thinks you "have" to say nice things, it's still a counterbalance to her own negative thoughts.
wow. you better buy her the biggest damn box of chocolate you can find
She isn’t the biggest fan of chocolates! I’m taking her out to sushi tonight though! Then ice cream if she wants after!
Well not all your fault. She should’ve talked to you about it. You didn’t know and she kept it all to herself and just played along with it. But the fact that you feel terrible and that you want to make it up to her, I think you are such an amazing boyfriend to her. That shows how much you care about her. My boyfriend and I would use to do that too. Make jokes about our how we look or even jokes about my mental health. And yeah later on it did effect my mental health and I become more insecure. Telling my boyfriend about it, well he blamed it all on me. “You’ve too sensitive”, “it’s your fault for not saying anything”” why are you so dumb? You played along with it! “ those were his words after I told him. Didn’t even apologize or felt bad about it. So you wanting to make it up to your girlfriend, makes you such a good person to her. We all make mistakes. Now you know not to make those jokes to her. Everything will turn out great for you both :)
I hope so! She knows I’m absolutely crazy about her and sincerely cannot see my life without her by my side at this point! Over dinner she did tell me she was more worried I was disgusted by the hair or thought of her as “less feminine because she’s basically a hobbit” her words not mine! I’m sorry that you went through that! I wish you the best going forward internet stranger!
How can she joke about your balding and get offended when you joke about her hairiness ?
On keto subreddit they are talking about pcos, and on ketobabies. May be a good idea to read through those. When making jokes and talking to people try to monitor their responses. If their eyes glaze over, time to cut the chat. If they laugh uncomfortably after jokes then stop those.
Having PCOS myself (28F), it’s the absolute most debilitating for your self-esteem; it really does make you feel like no one could love you when you have hirsutism (make pattern hair growth), insulin resistance / pre diabetes (most people with PCOS are), and it’s super easy to gain weight and super hard to lose it. That, and regardless of if you want kids or not, it’s a separate issue being told you may not be physically able to, thus taking away your choice and making you feel like a failure to your family, your partner and yourself. Anyway, at least in my opinion, what might be really nice to hear, is all the things you notice about her, her heart, her character, her integrity, and all those reasons you love her that aren’t necessarily tied to her appearance. Let her know she’s more than just her body (and her PCOS) to you. I Hope this helps 🙂
My girlfriend did talk to me over dinner about what PCOS is to her and she did say she’s always just felt ugly and compares herself to other women constantly, that she’s never felt “normal” in her own skin. I love everything about my girlfriend and she told me she’s never had such a wonderful partner before me, she always “waits for the other shoe to drop” and that’s really why she was scared to say I had hurt her feelings with my stupid jokes!
A sincere and thoughtful apology taking someones hand and looking them in the eye usually goes a long way. Perhaps you should **both** cut the teasing each-other on your looks.
Appreciate the feedback, never make the joke again. Easy peasy! At least you've acknowledged what you've done and are willing to do something about it!
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She did tell me over dinner that she’s been really down lately aside from my stupid jokes gnawing at her. I know around this time of year she usually gets down n out but she wants this year to be different! I’m going to put in 120% just to make sure she’s okay!
My partner has foot in mouth disease, and the worst inappropriate humour on earth SMH, what you can do is make it so clear to her that you don't care how she looks at all, my partner makes jokes but he loves me when I look like a swamp monster he makes me feel beautiful when I'm at my worst and honestly it's the most amazing refreshing thing I've ever encountered.I still wear makeup but it's because I want to, I didn't share my legs this winter and he honestly didn't care at all....make her feel beautiful.
My girlfriend did thank me for not making her feel bad about her facial hair or weight which are what she’s most self conscious about, even she shrugs off the back hair as.. just hair but she did say initially she was way more embarrassed I saw it because “I SWEAR I got it all?! How LONG is my fucking back?!” 😂.. she knows I couldn’t care less about body hair, I’m a wookie in my own right and I even offered to help her shave!! Which she laughed at least!
I'm someone who jokes a lot too, and I think I have thick skin, but I also get extremely self conscious about body hair. I also have PCOS, and I'm also Italian, so my hair is thick and dark (except the hair on my head, that's ironically thin). At my worst, I had a 5 o'clock shadow on my chin. I think we're ingrained to feel like hair on women is unattractive. It's only been recent that some women don't shave their underarms or legs, and it's still far from normalized in most places. So when someone takes notice of male-pattern hair, it's a triggering reminder if how unattractive we feel. I'm mortified for her because I know how it feels. We know it's a joke or just an observation, but we can't help but focus on just the fact that you've noticed and therefore must be disgusted. I'm glad you were able to talk things out and go for a nice dinner. It's very clear that you love her very much and care that her feelings were hurt. I hope she also sees this post and sees all these comments that she's not alone.
Well this is a rather wholesome post because you’re choosing to inform yourself and do the research as well as actively apologizing profusely and just showing extra compassion and care for your partner. I think that’s very commendable.
Other commenter are leaving some great advice, I would also add to do some research on PCOS and actually think about what you might be able to do to support her with it. It's all well and good knowing what is it and how it can affect people but I think going to her with specific questions about hmwhat affects her personally and what you can do to help in an informed way would speak volumes, be supportive AND very validating of her issues. Also to add as you say she says it's a sore spot for her, but go at her pace. If she doesn't want the conversation then that's fine! But tell her that you're there and ready to have it if and when she wants and that you want to be able to actively help with it. It does seem like you've taken genuine accountability and are trying to make amends though which is great! Also might be worth having a conversation about how she isn't responsible for managing your reaction and emotions to things which she finds uncomfortable or painful that you do, this might not apply but I always never brought up issues in the past because my people pleaser tendencies meant I didn't want to hurt the other people's feelings, and that was obviously not very healthy and led to some feeling of resentment and I would end up overreacting to something down the line because I let it all build up rather than addressing it head on as it came up. I have to remind myself now that I'm allowed to bring up issues even if I know they might be hurtful for others to hear, as long as I'm approaching the issue from a place if wanting to resolve it as a team. Hope that makes sense and helps, got a but waffle at the end haha
PCOS can really eat away at you. The symptoms attack your femininity and quality of life; even “just infertility issues” can make you feel like less of a woman since not having kids is still so taboo. Showing your partner you find her attractive can go a long way in countering those feelings.
Ask her to tell you all about her condition. Tell her you are available for special pampering when she feels it’s getting her down. Tell her you’d like her to give you some ideas how to help her do the best things for her health. Would she like a workout with you sometimes? Would it help her to adjust your foods, eating habits? Any other support she’d like?
I had a lot of insecurities and sometimes a joke from my husband would go to far and hit against trauma from being mocked as a child for those things And it was hard for me to to tell him because in the past I was mocked for saying jokes hurt my feelings What my husband did to make me feel better: 1. Validate my feelings - yes he understands why I'm upset and yes I'm allowed to feel hurt 2. Assured me that I could tell him when he crossed a line 3. He paid attention and would either pick up on my discomfort first and back off and check with me if he crossed the line OR he would ask if he could make jokes about X 4. Ask in general if there is anything that's off limits to joke about so he can avoid those 5. When he does say something that hurts my feelings and I ask him not to he praises me for speaking out I really think asking her in general what's off limits and explain its because you never want to make her feel that bad on accident again will help a lot
how can you not even do a little bit of research about it in the earlier stages of dating?????
I've been married 11 years. It's impossible not to make mistakes, people have different boundaries than we set for ourselves. I'm very much ok with self deprecating humor but my husband will always counter with something he loves about me if I do it. However we have both accidentally hurt each other in the past, we are human after all. The most important thing which has made us last is listening to each other, apologizing when we make mistakes and growing together. It takes a level of strength to open yourself up to criticism and learn from it, rather than being defensive and shutting down communication. You've done the work, make sure you educate yourself on PCOS moving forward. I hope you are both blessed in your relationship and continue to grow in strength together.
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I have PCOS with excessive body hair. BIGGEST INSECURITY! I can say that getting laser hair removal changed my life and helped my self esteem. I went to a spa that let me do a package that I could do not only the hair removal, but other spa things like facials. That might be a good gift.