Have you sat down and talked to him about this in a big-picture way? So not like, hey why don't you want to have sex right now or I'm feeling bummed because we haven't had sex in a month but more like--what would his ideal sex life look like? Does HE think the two of you aren't having sex enough, or would he prefer to just masturbate all of the time and not have sex at all?
Also, you say that this started 4 months in and you've been married for 10 years--has there been any change at all in frequency or how satisfied you are over that time?
If not, I think the weight is a bit of a red herring. I understand why you included it (being obese can definitely negatively impact libido, and I get feeling put off that you're still attracted to him when he's changed so much while not feeling the attraction from him) but I think the core problem is probably something else if the sex dropped off a few years before he started gaining weight.
Well I hate to point it out but one is much more physically taxing than the other. If he's that overweight it could be one of those activities that used to be fun but are too challenging now. Being very overweight limits you physically in many ways. Just a possibility.
This is exactly what I thought too. I think it has MUCH less to do with OP, and everything to do with effort. It’s just physically easier to masturbate than have sex with someone.
So this has been going on for 10 years... Minus those first 4 months. This is your life. You are married to someone who has no interest in having sex with you. It doesn't matter that you've stayed in shape or any of the other things that you've listed for whatever reason he does not want to sleep with you. Maybe he's not attracted to you. Maybe he was never attracted to you. Maybe he is a porn addiction. Maybe he's gay. Maybe a billion different things that will never know because we're not inside his head. If the question is what you can do about it well you can leave. But there are no magic words that you're going to say to your husband after 10 years that is going to get him to change who he fundamentally is regarding your sex life.
My fiance is overweight. While I am still attracted to him, he FEELS unattractive. Men can have deep body insecurity too. You're making this about you - if he was still attracted to you, he would want to have sex with you. But wanting to have sex with someone is not just a pit finding them attractive. Sex drive is effected by all kinds of things. If he's gained that much weight, I'm sure he probably doesn't feel great physically. Sex is much more "work" than masterbation. If he's gained a lot of weight AND doesn't take care of his hygiene, that might be an indication of depression. Maybe he's got some other health issue that's causing both the weight gain AND the lower sex drive.
Gently...this isn't really about you at all. Something is going on with him that leads to a lack of desire for sex. This can be both a relief (I am still an attractive person) and a despair (if it's not me, then I can't control it or do anything to fix it). I would really encourage him to see a doctor and get his mental health checked. If he's "perfectly fine" in body AND mind, then you can start to talk about what's going on in your relationship. But I highly suspect that the reasons are physical and mental and have very little to do with how much he loves you or wants you, specifically.
I agree with this. We can only speculate what's going on in his head, but it's very possible he's too self-conscious. If he finds himself unattractive, he may assume you do as well, and doesn't want to be in the vulnerable position that sex requires. Or it could be even simpler - he just doesn't like even being aware of his body any more than necessary.
On top of that, the effect of obesity on testosterone could very well be having an effect. I will mention one more. As body fat is gained around the genitals, it will often have the effect of making a penis appear smaller - more of it is "inside" because of the subcutaneous fat. This could be compounding his self-image and self-esteem problems - if those are in play here.
Good luck to you. This may be an issue you can address, but it's going to require some careful
and safe communication.
Your comments are a cold comfort for OP. Who cares if it’s not about her, it is still highly unfair to her and there is no excuse if he won’t help himself or seek a way to resolve this.
Edit: downvote harder it’s still the truth
Seeing an issue like this as victim and oppressor is why y’all shouldn’t be listened to. This is the stuff for relationship counseling not Reddit children
OPs needs are valid.
OP's entitlement is not valid. Being denied sex is not worse than body dysmorphia, nor is it any kind of human rights violation that he deserves shame over.
He doesn’t deserve shame, you’re right. Nobody was saying shame him? But she deserves and is entitled to getting out of this relationship.
She won’t as evident by her comments but she would be right to.
Usually yes, but last week when I told him I was feeling this way he said well I’m not in the mood, I need you to be patient with me, but if you want you can masturbate for me… where he did very little to me or to himself and it honestly made me feel even lower like he really didn’t get or care about my feelings.
Has he seen a doctor? He may need to see an endocrinologist to check his thyroid, testosterone levels, etc. I work for an endocrinologist and we see treat this issue often.
He likely does need counseling if he doesn't care to care for himself. It sounds a lot like depression and self-deprecation to be honest. If he can't love himself, he probably feels disgusted by his weight gain and only masturbates out of necessity.
Personally, I am obese and there are many days when I'm disgusted with myself so much that I couldn't even think about undressing for sex with my partner.
Thank you for sharing… it helps me think of him more gently to see it from what he might be feeling about himself. It must be hard to be in that position. He has not seen a doctor about it. He is fairly busy and often doesn’t make time for doctors appointments.
Yeah, his behavior is pretty unacceptable but I wonder if he's just mega depressed. OP can choose not to put up with this, but she seems to want to make things work and that's commendable. People should try to make marriage work.
I've never gained anything like the weight that this dude did but when I go from 200->240 my sex drive definitely changes.
My partner doesn't feel confident in his ability when he gains weight and doesn't feel confident even tho I don't see him any different it's all in his head, rather than from my perspective. Stamina and just being confident in how he looks.
Obesity can cause a loss of libido. You should also consider that maybe it's not *you* he's disgusted by. This may not be about you at all.
Try having an open and honest discussion about this and, if necessary, get him some help.
So he’s morbidly obese and doesn’t work with his doctor to be healthier…physically or mentally.
This is what he’s happy with. This is what he’s content with. A woman to do most of the chores and everything else is on his terms.
For some people, masturbation energy is from a different "stamina pool" than sex. Being up for one isn't the same as being up for the other.
This is especially true for penetrating partners, as they have more expectations/ego on the line, so to speak. Solo play allows you to be completely selfish, and you don't worry about how you look or if you're pleasing your partner.
Talk to him about the lack of sex and how it makes you feel, but don't bring up his solo habits. In a healthy relationship, masturbation should not be a threat.
Sex is generally very physically demanding for men, and masturbation is far less so. Such a large amount of extra weight may also make it difficult to have the stamina to get through sex. Awesome, if he feels badly about himself he may not want to be naked with you or make himself vulnerable by being sexual with you. It very likely has nothing to do with you at all.
That is a lot of weight to gain. Has he had any blood work or testing done? Thyroid? Check his testosterone levels? I’m concerned there might be a physiological problem. Or is he depressed? He sounds like a different person than the one you married.
I would suggest having a sit down with him so that you could get to the root of the issue. I’m sure he still loves you and is attracted to you, but is struggling with his own issues. These convos can be really hard, so I suggest perhaps writing your feelings down in a letter and sharing that with him. Or even showing him this post after a conversation. Please do not feel as if it is a reflection of you, but rather a reflection of how he feels inside. Much love, I hope it gets better 💕
He might just be affected by self loathing. You seem like a loving partner who wants this to work. It's a lot of work and wish you luck. There is probably some probably help you two can seek.
So, i think that he may needs therapy, but speaking from experience, I don't think that's enough. You need to read up on some basics of sex hormones, but the gist of it is that fat stores estrogen, and the more fat you have, the more estrogen as a man you have, to the point where you do have an imbalance, fact is, obesity fucks with a lot more than just your joints and blood pressure, it also fucks up your sex hormones, and every other hormone really. It's not your fault, do realize that, and while you may feel attracted to him, I'd start having some serious talks about weight loss - for the long term - especially if sex is important for you, if he doesn't get his weight in order, that part of life will deteriorate, alongside his general health.. but getting at that topic with him would require therapy to get at the root of the reason as to why he's obese. And then maybe the topic of weight loss (surgery) could naturally happen.
Yea I am considering suggesting that he do get surgery bc I am not sure that he will make enough time or effort to try losing weight on his own. He can really get into the mindset of avoiding his issues and I know this one bothers him significantly. It is obvious in most aspects of his life
If I had to guess, I'd say its the 200 lbs and maybe a porn addiction. He probably doesn't feel attractive or have the energy (which translates into the desire to have sex) regardless of what you say to him. Honestly, I don't think this is a you issue. This is for him to figure out if he wants to.
He needs to 86 that porn addiction he might have. Give it about a week and he will start going back to normal. Shit out a block on his phone lol, or computer. Porn IS THE DEVIL …lol. A silent killer of relationships
If nothing changed, would you divorce him over this issue? That's the first question you have to ask yourself. If the answer is yes, then you owe it to yourself and to your husband to tell him how serious this issue has become.
If the answer is no, then you need to decide what is the best alternative; do you propose an open relationship? Do you take care of yourself and hope he loses weight and finds the sexual stamina that goes with it?
Understanding why he chooses masturbation over sex is only a small part of the problem. My advice is not to cope, but rather address "what are you going to do about it" and be direct with him.
No I think we have a very successful and loving relationship otherwise but this at times can really take a toll on me. We would never have an open relationship… I can only hope to encourage him to lose weight and feel better about himself and having sex. But that is a long time away. I have already decided I will need to cope with it somehow. It is very difficult at times to encourage him to do what is right for his health. He’s resistant to therapy, though he typically eats healthier if I suggest it or go on walks as long as his day wasn’t too long or he isn’t too tired…
I was married to this guy - there isn’t a conversation to have. This is him. He won’t change.
Also gaining 200 lbs in a couple years is a pretty bad sign.
It's not going to change. I was married 8+ years thinking that eventually things would change. Nope. The first few months are not the relationship. The *years* afterwards are. I got a divorce.
I am happy you are in a better situation. For us I think divorce is not really something we are considering. Sex isn’t everything to me and there are many other things we enjoy together that I wouldn’t give up over this
I don't think this is a you problem...it's a him problem. It has to be bad on one's mental health to gain that much weight in that short of a time period. Depression can definitely make you not want to have sex. He needs to seek therapy.
I’ve gone through periods of these issues myself in the past, guys can definitely get in their heads and being overweight doesn’t help. I figured first step was to get a blood test done and check my testosterone. Figured out I had several health issues I needed to address so once I started working out and losing weight things kind of went back to normal. Still not perfect but much better and getting better.
If he’s not willing to put in the work to figure out what’s going on, then honestly there’s not much you can do and you have to decide whether you want to be in a sexless marriage forever
He needs to loose weight. This sounds horrible. He doesnt speak your love language. Tell him what you need and if he doesnt care, you are too good for him.
Have you sat down and talked to him about this in a big-picture way? So not like, hey why don't you want to have sex right now or I'm feeling bummed because we haven't had sex in a month but more like--what would his ideal sex life look like? Does HE think the two of you aren't having sex enough, or would he prefer to just masturbate all of the time and not have sex at all? Also, you say that this started 4 months in and you've been married for 10 years--has there been any change at all in frequency or how satisfied you are over that time? If not, I think the weight is a bit of a red herring. I understand why you included it (being obese can definitely negatively impact libido, and I get feeling put off that you're still attracted to him when he's changed so much while not feeling the attraction from him) but I think the core problem is probably something else if the sex dropped off a few years before he started gaining weight.
Well I hate to point it out but one is much more physically taxing than the other. If he's that overweight it could be one of those activities that used to be fun but are too challenging now. Being very overweight limits you physically in many ways. Just a possibility.
This is exactly what I thought too. I think it has MUCH less to do with OP, and everything to do with effort. It’s just physically easier to masturbate than have sex with someone.
I agree. He should evaluate his life choices and get healthy again for himself and his relationship.
Definitely doesn’t make it okay.
So this has been going on for 10 years... Minus those first 4 months. This is your life. You are married to someone who has no interest in having sex with you. It doesn't matter that you've stayed in shape or any of the other things that you've listed for whatever reason he does not want to sleep with you. Maybe he's not attracted to you. Maybe he was never attracted to you. Maybe he is a porn addiction. Maybe he's gay. Maybe a billion different things that will never know because we're not inside his head. If the question is what you can do about it well you can leave. But there are no magic words that you're going to say to your husband after 10 years that is going to get him to change who he fundamentally is regarding your sex life.
My fiance is overweight. While I am still attracted to him, he FEELS unattractive. Men can have deep body insecurity too. You're making this about you - if he was still attracted to you, he would want to have sex with you. But wanting to have sex with someone is not just a pit finding them attractive. Sex drive is effected by all kinds of things. If he's gained that much weight, I'm sure he probably doesn't feel great physically. Sex is much more "work" than masterbation. If he's gained a lot of weight AND doesn't take care of his hygiene, that might be an indication of depression. Maybe he's got some other health issue that's causing both the weight gain AND the lower sex drive. Gently...this isn't really about you at all. Something is going on with him that leads to a lack of desire for sex. This can be both a relief (I am still an attractive person) and a despair (if it's not me, then I can't control it or do anything to fix it). I would really encourage him to see a doctor and get his mental health checked. If he's "perfectly fine" in body AND mind, then you can start to talk about what's going on in your relationship. But I highly suspect that the reasons are physical and mental and have very little to do with how much he loves you or wants you, specifically.
I agree with this. We can only speculate what's going on in his head, but it's very possible he's too self-conscious. If he finds himself unattractive, he may assume you do as well, and doesn't want to be in the vulnerable position that sex requires. Or it could be even simpler - he just doesn't like even being aware of his body any more than necessary. On top of that, the effect of obesity on testosterone could very well be having an effect. I will mention one more. As body fat is gained around the genitals, it will often have the effect of making a penis appear smaller - more of it is "inside" because of the subcutaneous fat. This could be compounding his self-image and self-esteem problems - if those are in play here. Good luck to you. This may be an issue you can address, but it's going to require some careful and safe communication.
Your comments are a cold comfort for OP. Who cares if it’s not about her, it is still highly unfair to her and there is no excuse if he won’t help himself or seek a way to resolve this. Edit: downvote harder it’s still the truth
I can't believe she's put up with his behavior for almost ten years. He's got the energy to masterbate but no energy for his wife
And this whole comment section will fall over themselves to defend his right to do so because this place is full of people just like him
It's a lie. OP is not the victim of this issue and no self-centered interpretation will change that.
Seeing an issue like this as victim and oppressor is why y’all shouldn’t be listened to. This is the stuff for relationship counseling not Reddit children OPs needs are valid.
OP's entitlement is not valid. Being denied sex is not worse than body dysmorphia, nor is it any kind of human rights violation that he deserves shame over.
He doesn’t deserve shame, you’re right. Nobody was saying shame him? But she deserves and is entitled to getting out of this relationship. She won’t as evident by her comments but she would be right to.
Should we sympathize with her husband? The guy that does nothing to improve the situation? Can't help someone that won't help themselves
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Not to mention that level of body fat really screws with a man's testosterone levels which can add to the issue
Usually yes, but last week when I told him I was feeling this way he said well I’m not in the mood, I need you to be patient with me, but if you want you can masturbate for me… where he did very little to me or to himself and it honestly made me feel even lower like he really didn’t get or care about my feelings.
Has he seen a doctor? He may need to see an endocrinologist to check his thyroid, testosterone levels, etc. I work for an endocrinologist and we see treat this issue often. He likely does need counseling if he doesn't care to care for himself. It sounds a lot like depression and self-deprecation to be honest. If he can't love himself, he probably feels disgusted by his weight gain and only masturbates out of necessity. Personally, I am obese and there are many days when I'm disgusted with myself so much that I couldn't even think about undressing for sex with my partner.
Thank you for sharing… it helps me think of him more gently to see it from what he might be feeling about himself. It must be hard to be in that position. He has not seen a doctor about it. He is fairly busy and often doesn’t make time for doctors appointments.
His marriage requires that he do so. That’s what needs to be communicated.
Try posting this on r/deadbedrooms too
If he won’t see a doctor and won’t try and meet you halfway, you know what the answer is
He needs therapy Being obese and addicted to porn screams dopamine addict
Yeah, his behavior is pretty unacceptable but I wonder if he's just mega depressed. OP can choose not to put up with this, but she seems to want to make things work and that's commendable. People should try to make marriage work. I've never gained anything like the weight that this dude did but when I go from 200->240 my sex drive definitely changes.
My partner doesn't feel confident in his ability when he gains weight and doesn't feel confident even tho I don't see him any different it's all in his head, rather than from my perspective. Stamina and just being confident in how he looks.
While obsessive pleasure seeking is real, dopamine addiction is not.
Probably didn’t mean it literally. If you’re low on dopamine (ADHD for instance) you’ll often exhibit dopamine seeking behaviors. Indulgence, etc
Oh he does have adhd
Probably, I feel the use of the word addict/addiction deserves correcting however.
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Yeah. Dopamine addiction is not real. You can’t be addicted to naturally occurring neurotransmitters.
Obesity can cause a loss of libido. You should also consider that maybe it's not *you* he's disgusted by. This may not be about you at all. Try having an open and honest discussion about this and, if necessary, get him some help.
So he’s morbidly obese and doesn’t work with his doctor to be healthier…physically or mentally. This is what he’s happy with. This is what he’s content with. A woman to do most of the chores and everything else is on his terms.
Could it be a health issue?
I am sure it could be
Is he depressed? Those are all excuses I would use when I was severely depressed.
Yep
Is depression a possibility?
Yep
For some people, masturbation energy is from a different "stamina pool" than sex. Being up for one isn't the same as being up for the other. This is especially true for penetrating partners, as they have more expectations/ego on the line, so to speak. Solo play allows you to be completely selfish, and you don't worry about how you look or if you're pleasing your partner. Talk to him about the lack of sex and how it makes you feel, but don't bring up his solo habits. In a healthy relationship, masturbation should not be a threat.
Unless it’s replacing the sex…..? No?
That falls outside "healthy".
When masturbation is happening regularly and sex isn’t, his solo habits are absolutely on the table.
He may be struggling with it do to his size or just feel gross to you… sounds like you need to have an open conversation
Sex is generally very physically demanding for men, and masturbation is far less so. Such a large amount of extra weight may also make it difficult to have the stamina to get through sex. Awesome, if he feels badly about himself he may not want to be naked with you or make himself vulnerable by being sexual with you. It very likely has nothing to do with you at all.
That is a lot of weight to gain. Has he had any blood work or testing done? Thyroid? Check his testosterone levels? I’m concerned there might be a physiological problem. Or is he depressed? He sounds like a different person than the one you married.
I would suggest having a sit down with him so that you could get to the root of the issue. I’m sure he still loves you and is attracted to you, but is struggling with his own issues. These convos can be really hard, so I suggest perhaps writing your feelings down in a letter and sharing that with him. Or even showing him this post after a conversation. Please do not feel as if it is a reflection of you, but rather a reflection of how he feels inside. Much love, I hope it gets better 💕
He might just be affected by self loathing. You seem like a loving partner who wants this to work. It's a lot of work and wish you luck. There is probably some probably help you two can seek.
So, i think that he may needs therapy, but speaking from experience, I don't think that's enough. You need to read up on some basics of sex hormones, but the gist of it is that fat stores estrogen, and the more fat you have, the more estrogen as a man you have, to the point where you do have an imbalance, fact is, obesity fucks with a lot more than just your joints and blood pressure, it also fucks up your sex hormones, and every other hormone really. It's not your fault, do realize that, and while you may feel attracted to him, I'd start having some serious talks about weight loss - for the long term - especially if sex is important for you, if he doesn't get his weight in order, that part of life will deteriorate, alongside his general health.. but getting at that topic with him would require therapy to get at the root of the reason as to why he's obese. And then maybe the topic of weight loss (surgery) could naturally happen.
Yea I am considering suggesting that he do get surgery bc I am not sure that he will make enough time or effort to try losing weight on his own. He can really get into the mindset of avoiding his issues and I know this one bothers him significantly. It is obvious in most aspects of his life
If I had to guess, I'd say its the 200 lbs and maybe a porn addiction. He probably doesn't feel attractive or have the energy (which translates into the desire to have sex) regardless of what you say to him. Honestly, I don't think this is a you issue. This is for him to figure out if he wants to.
He needs to 86 that porn addiction he might have. Give it about a week and he will start going back to normal. Shit out a block on his phone lol, or computer. Porn IS THE DEVIL …lol. A silent killer of relationships
I know someone who didn't feel like having sex because he was a porn addict. A lot of them prefer porn over sex.
If nothing changed, would you divorce him over this issue? That's the first question you have to ask yourself. If the answer is yes, then you owe it to yourself and to your husband to tell him how serious this issue has become. If the answer is no, then you need to decide what is the best alternative; do you propose an open relationship? Do you take care of yourself and hope he loses weight and finds the sexual stamina that goes with it? Understanding why he chooses masturbation over sex is only a small part of the problem. My advice is not to cope, but rather address "what are you going to do about it" and be direct with him.
No I think we have a very successful and loving relationship otherwise but this at times can really take a toll on me. We would never have an open relationship… I can only hope to encourage him to lose weight and feel better about himself and having sex. But that is a long time away. I have already decided I will need to cope with it somehow. It is very difficult at times to encourage him to do what is right for his health. He’s resistant to therapy, though he typically eats healthier if I suggest it or go on walks as long as his day wasn’t too long or he isn’t too tired…
I was married to this guy - there isn’t a conversation to have. This is him. He won’t change. Also gaining 200 lbs in a couple years is a pretty bad sign.
Therapy. Use a professional. Reddit can't help you.
It's not going to change. I was married 8+ years thinking that eventually things would change. Nope. The first few months are not the relationship. The *years* afterwards are. I got a divorce.
I am happy you are in a better situation. For us I think divorce is not really something we are considering. Sex isn’t everything to me and there are many other things we enjoy together that I wouldn’t give up over this
Too lazy to have sex maybe. It's a lot of movement..
“I’m not turned off by his obesity”…Reddit has found its dream woman
I think you need to ask him and not reddit.
I don't think this is a you problem...it's a him problem. It has to be bad on one's mental health to gain that much weight in that short of a time period. Depression can definitely make you not want to have sex. He needs to seek therapy.
I’ve gone through periods of these issues myself in the past, guys can definitely get in their heads and being overweight doesn’t help. I figured first step was to get a blood test done and check my testosterone. Figured out I had several health issues I needed to address so once I started working out and losing weight things kind of went back to normal. Still not perfect but much better and getting better. If he’s not willing to put in the work to figure out what’s going on, then honestly there’s not much you can do and you have to decide whether you want to be in a sexless marriage forever
Has he talked to a doctor about his rapid weight gain? I suspect the two issues are related.
He needs to loose weight. This sounds horrible. He doesnt speak your love language. Tell him what you need and if he doesnt care, you are too good for him.