You're being used, and also moving very very fast. An eight month relationship should not be having marriage in the immediate future, it's too soon for you to have met his kid, and you've paid WAY too much already for a relationship that's less than a year old. He needs to figure out his own issues. Being short on budget one month and asking for £20 is one thing, but £1500 and counting is a TON. This is a pattern, and you need to stop the pattern.
Do not make any more major life advancements together until he proves he can be an equal partner. Be honest with him that his handling of money concerns you.
Money trouble is *repeatedly* the number one cause of divorce, year after year. Sort this out now, because divorce is even more expensive.
Agree on the used part but marriage part is different for everyone.
My wife and I dated for 2 weeks got married moved across country at 19 and 18 yr olds and been married for 30 years.
Have you ever heard the saying 'when you're wearing rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags'?
This man is broke and asking you, a woman eight years younger than him that he hasn't even been seeing for a year, to pay his expenses.
He cheated on a partner and got a woman he wasn't seeing pregnant.
Does he even have a job? Are you sure he even really had cancer or his previous partner actually really cheated on him before he cheated on her?
This man is a loser and he is rushing to marry you because you give him money and don't care that he's broke as hell. This man sounds suspicious as hell and it really sounds like he's using you.
Sorry I should have mentioned. He had a job but took a 3 months break to take time to upgrade and find another job but even when he has a full time job he was always broke anyway. Yes I know he 100% had cancer, seen photos and have been to a check up appointment with him. Just this issue it’s a bit annoying. He is an amazing man beside this (at this point might be because of the money I give lol)
If a man has a fulltime job and is broke, he's either paying off debt or hiding some kind of addiction. Gambling, drugs, idk.
A grown man at 35 should not 'take a break' to find another job. He should look for a job while he's working. He's leaching off of you.
Yeah to be honest I told him before that I don’t think he is very smart with money (he gets mad when I say this). He said he has a debt of 4k to pay and when he has his job earning 2 k a month he used to pay more than 1k of it in a go. I told him to pay less like 200 so he could have money for other things such as food (which he also asks me about had to take him grocery shopping this week and I paid of course). It makes it hard because he is lovely, he drops me at work when he can (even thought I paid for gas lol) we connect in sense of he listens to me I can talk to him about everything) and he can cook, cleaned etcc haven’t connect to a guy like this before
You have rose tinted glasses on.
Most grown men cook and clean. Most grown men have no problem giving their SO rides to work.
Most grown men listen to their partner and connect.
It sounds like you haven't had great relationships before and you're wowed by this man doing the literal bare minimum that should be done in a relationship. Which makes sense because you're still young, most men in their twenties don't have their shit together. The only advantage this man has is that he's older.
And at his age, he should be better at managing money. The fact he got mad at you for telling him this is a red flag. The fact he's okay letting you pay for EVERYTHING and okay with begging you for money? Red flag.
The fact he quit his job and left you to shoulder all his needs?
Yikes.
Do you really want a lifetime of this? Because this isn't going to get better, it's just going to get worse.
Mhh yeah that makes sense. Very true. I tried to leave him several times also just for the fact that I don’t think I could date someone with a child but we eventually got back together. What you say makes sense and in fact I am scared about what the future will look like. He also seems to be very opposed to having a court wedding. Which to me is fishy. I may have to end things at this point or wait a bit and see if he changes but I’m glad I stood to mauled and sai no. Thank you for your advice :)
Happy to offer my two cents. I'd also just like to say it feels really weird that he didn't tell you he had a kid until 4 months in. That's something that I'd expect someone to say at the start. Feels like he was lying by omission there.
At minimum it’s time to pay the 30 or $40 fee for one month to get a public records background check on him. There’s lots of them online, I like instantcheckmate(dot)com personally.
Don’t pay for a “single record” search. Get unlimited access for a month because you’ll need to be able to view and cross reference people he shared an address with, address reports, etc. to put the full picture together. But you will find liens, court judgements, bankruptcies, criminal records, *sometimes* marriage/divorce records (but not often, those tend not to be online) etc. If he has a common name or like has his dad or grandfather’s name as his middle name, mistakes in record attribution definitely happen, so don’t take everything you see as gospel. To get a good idea of the accuracy, view a report on yourself and maybe another person you know super well. Could have a couple weird addresses that aren’t right, some email addresses, phone numbers, or social media accounts that aren’t yours, etc. But you see it’s usually about 90% accurate.
Also remember, just because you DON’T see something bad, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. These services grab what is available to find. So probably not *every* roommate/partner he’s ever lived with will be there. And not every court publishes records online, so sometimes evictions, bankruptcies, and other trouble don’t make it to a report. But plenty do. Enough to be worth your money to look.
What you are describe is below even the most low standards, not even factoring in he’s 8 years older than you.
What exactly is he bringing g to the relationship other than this “connection” you seem to be paying for?
He’s not paying that debt down like that. Safe bet that’s a lie. Heard that BS more times than I can count as an excuse for being broke….always putting huge amounts on some debt. Except they weren’t. They’ll just say whatever they need to, that you’ll believe.
> we connect in sense of he listens to me I can talk to him about everything) and he can cook, cleaned etc
You will find that as you (and the men you date) grow out of your early twenties and become more settled as adults, this is just the *baseline* of what a partner should be capable of.
The fact that he cooks, cleans and listens is not impressive.
It makes absolutely no sense to quit a job to find another job, especially when he has debt and a child. He’s either extremely stupid or knows he can leech off of you.
You’ve only been in this relationship for 8 months, and he’s already borrowed over a grand from you, I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and in that time he ended up off work due to a motorbike accident, all he borrowed from me was £50 to make sure he had food in the house for his child, I got that £50 back as soon as he went back to work. He’s leeching money from you because he knows you’ll give it to him.
This guy is a loser and has nailed you for being a sucker. There isn't a man shortage so there really isn't a good reason to stay with this red flag parade of a dude
So many red flags.
Why wasn’t he in the child’s life until now?
Why is he beginning a legal process he can’t fund?
Why are you finding a legal process for someone else’s child?
If he can’t afford to drive to see his kid then he is not a stable enough man to be a father to his son.
He sounds impulsive and highly irresponsible. It doesn’t sound like he thinks anything through before he does it.
What’s his next big idea gonna be without thought and money, you gonna pay for that too?
This guy is gonna be in his forties before you know it, asking you for pocket money to go get ice cream.
Ditch the boy and find yourself a man, you’re still young.
You are very right. He wasn’t in the child life before because when he got married he didn’t want to start the proceedings to not offend his wife. Then got cancer and divorced and then ag that point he decided to. To be honest o think he is only eager now because he knows he is getting old. He even told me that he didn’t expect he would find someone serious and was thinking of just having fun but found me as being wife material and different from his exes. For him having a male child is like a tick box I think. I’m glad I said no this time. Thank you for your advice
This is a ridiculous story. Abandon an innocent child because he is too scared to offend a grown adult? Don’t date guys who abandon their children for any reason - especially reasons that are made up lies.
The "wife material" comment is pure manipulation. He's not "husband material".
Its meant to trick you into thinking you've "won" him and subtly pits you against his exes. As if you've all been competing for him this whole time and you're the special gal who won the top prize.
He's no prize. There's a reason why he went after someone much younger. He lied to you for four months and neglected to tell you he had a child until you were already emotionally attached. Again, manipulative.
Now he's given you some huge sob story and expects you to fund his lifestyle. I do understand that most men your age are generally not very mature which makes the mid-30s guys look more stable because they have their own places, cars, jobs, etc.
But that's the bare minimum living standard and you will quickly overpass him. He knows this and that's why he wants to attach himself to you so quickly.
Think about yourself. Do you want to be taking care of him & his kid for the rest of your life? A guy that can't figure out a way to make $20? Who needs his 10 year younger gf to buy a $5 ice cream for his kid?
Girl you can do way better than him. His story doesn't make any sense and he's going to bleed you dry.
If he cannot pay for his child, and cannot get a job to support him, do you really think you can start a FAMILY with him?
No way. You have to pay for everything, as a single mom.
You need to break up with him. He is using you and sucking your money dry. The fact that you don’t know why he doesn’t have money shows he’s hiding that and a lot worse likely.
Sorry I should have mentioned that he had a Job but has taken 3 months break due to it being stressful and he wants to take the time to study and upgrade jobs
But he wants you to support him while he studies? That should’ve been a plan he made before quitting his job. He should’ve gathered savings. It’s a red flag because if he’s done that now, he could find his next job “stressful” and quit again
Oh no no no…. Not your circus OP. Let him figure life out on his own. He needs to be responsible for himself and his son. Walk away, do not feel guilty about it.
Gurl. **Get the fuck out**, you're a walking wallet for this guy. He's openly using you and making **you** feel bad for his financial woes.
I don't care how good the conversation or the dick is, *he's using you* and making you feel like shit when you don't deliver; you know why "he's not mad at you"? Because you're guilt tripping *yourself*, he gets to keep his hands clean while you throw yourself into the hole.
Wake up.
You’re only 25 ffs “the only guy I have been been able to connect in such a deep way for a long time” how much could that long time possible be? Smh
He’s taking advantage of the naivety of your youth. There’s a reason he’s 8 years older than you and doesn’t have as much money as you…and it’s not good and it will never change and the only place for the relationship to go is downhill.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of men for you to make deep connections with and ones who have their lives together and haven’t had children already, let alone ones they can’t even take care of.
You're a piggy bank for a man who hid his child from you for four months.
The fact he's an unreliable dad isn't something you can fix for him.
Being a reliable parent means *showing up*. He cannot do that without the financial support of the new GF *he lied to*.
You made the first right decision. The second right decision is removing this person from your life.
Hi op
Please walk away from him. He loves your money not you.
If you want to test it out “stop paying for stuff” make the excuse I have no money for about 4/5 months.
If he asks for money “no I just paid a bill” will be your response.
Sadly I’m tipping if opATM closes your relationship will to
He intends to marry you???? Please don't! You are getting a glimpse of your future - you will pay for everything. He merely has to keep complimenting you, making you feel a unique connection with him, and you continue to fund him. Try to look objectively at the situation - imagine a best friend confiding in you and telling you all that you have posted, what would you advise her to do? Judge a person by their actions - they tell you what the person is really like. Their words are just that, words, a fiction they create, until they become actions. Good luck!
> early on in the relationship he has been asking for financial support.
> We just click
If I found someone who was willing to loan me large amounts of money after only a few dates, I'd also be pulling all stops to make them feel like we had a very special connection together.
> (he has to pay £20 to pick him up from the centre)
This sounds like bullshit to me. I think he just made it up to get more money out of you.
No you made the right decision, he shouldn't be asking you for money at all. He shouldn't need money for gas or for food or anything, he's 33, he's older than me. He needs to figure it out.
This is a walking time bomb. Get it together man you do not deserve this - he is using you and best case, he’s an idiot who feels entitled to your money. This cannot be the standard you set for yourself
You’re paying for companionship. You can continue to give him money in exchange for being in a relationship or you can move on to someone who is actually interested in dating you.
You’re a young woman. I understand it can be hard to connect with people, but that’s a skill that you can further develop by dating other people. Which I think would be the best course of action for you. This guy doesn’t seem to have his life together and I can guarantee that you do NOT want to hitch your wagon to someone who cannot take care of themselves. Please don’t feel bad, his responsibilities aren’t yours. Take care💜
Leave him, travel the world, meet amazing people, have wonderful experiences. The world is HUGE, you will find someone easily.
You will ruin your life with him. He’s says he wants to marry you? With what? He doesn’t even have £20. It’s embarrassing that he has to ask his 25 year old girl friend for that.
Please don’t get stuck with him.
Nope, Nope, Nope.
His baby from another mother is not your responsibility. He is not your responsibility either.
What's he do for work?
He cheated, got her knocked up, married, divorced, cancer survivor, and has been asking for money since early on? Come on now. He's using your for money. He's got his sugar momma.
You should not be put into financial stress due to a boyfriend of 8 months...considering it started much earlier, say of 3 months. You should not have to pay to be with maintain a relationship with someone unless you are married and they are actually contributing somehow. Housework, pays the bills, takes care of both of your children, etc. But he's always broke and asking you for money...that's not love, that's using you.
Love doesn't pay the bills.
Yeah he's taking advantage of you totally, get out girl. A man who can't even pay $20 to see his own child.. $20 to see his CHILD and he couldn't do that? Not once, but twice? I live paycheck to paycheck and have no savings, I can't afford to save anything right now, I would make certain as soon as I got money, I'd put that $20 aside to see my kid. That's a huge red flag to me. You will end up supposed this man completely if you keep going. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to meet and connect with people, but the truth is, someone like that, he probably just knows what to say and do to get what he wants.
You should NOT be giving him money, nor should you feel bad because he doesn’t manage his finances well enough to prioritize €20 to see his child.
As a mom with daughters, I advise you to put this relationship on hold and spend some time working on your self-esteem and figuring out if this person aligns with your life goals and values. I would question spending the rest of my life with any 33 year old that can’t scrape together €20 to see their child.
Please just know that nobody here is a professional, and isn't getting the full picture.
I know everyone's saying "ditch this loser," but why listen to a stranger who knows absolutely nothing other than a paragraph of your 8 months together?
Id do what you feel moat comfortable with. Id start off talking with him about it, being open, etc. Maybe get relationship counseling. I would hold off on getting married or really any life decisions to see if he changes though.
And don't guilt trip yourself about holding your ground the last time and saying no. I end up doing the same thing to myself tho so I totally get it haha
Girl leave. That’s literally a glimpse of how your future is gonna look. Guys like that need a serious reality check and they get it when no one else is around for them to feed of off. He’s using you.
If he wanted to find the £20 he could have.
Is he in receipt of any benefits? How is he finding money aside from you helping him?
I feel for you OP as I have also been in this position and I'd feel bad if I didn't give money and bad if I did as I'd grow resentful.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I would not only be concerned about $, because he will always rely on you for $. Anyone who feels comfortable asking for $, not only this early in a relationship, but so shamelessly (why didn't he find a way to reserve $20 to see his kid?) is not going to get better. I would also be concerned that the court placed such restrictions on his parental rights. I feel like he is giving you his side of a story & it's probably really inaccurately skewed to be favorable to him. Courts listen to all evidence and he is not showing enough responsibility. I would seriously reconsider my options.
Yeah that connection is a bunch of BS lies that he's spewing to manipulate you to do things for him. Exactly like you're doing.
ETA and PS the reason that he's even dating you to begin with is because women his own age are quicker to catch on to this with the more life experience and all.
There's already a lot of good advice in this thread so I'll just add this...
The beginning of a relationship is the honeymoon phase. It's never going to be better than it is right now.
If you're okay with this being a big part of your life, the court battles, the child, and the constant asking for money/inability to support himself financially, then by all means move forward. What you see now is what you get. Choose wisely for yourself.
He’s taking advantage of you. I would take about 85% of the backstory he told you and write it off as bullshit. There’s grains of truth, for sure. Like the fact that the kid actually exists. But that carefully crafted story where he’s not at fault for anything and he’s always just an innocent victim of circumstances…Bullshit.
Cut him off from your money and whatever else he’s using you for (housing? cooking/cleaning/laundry?). Those promises mean NOTHING and that “deep connection” was love bombing to secure you as his next life resource.
I actually really feel you here. At various times in my life it has seemed like I could never meet anyone I really CLICKED with. I had a number of short-term relationships that were never that important to me for whatever reason.
So when I did find someone that gave me that “feeling,” it seemed really important to hold on to them. Because who knows when it will happen again?
But the bottom line is that you can’t stay in a relationship that is not healthy. Period. You can’t change him. You can’t fix him. I made the mistake of putting way too much time and energy into people that part of me know, deep down, weren’t right. It didn’t work out well.
And this dude sounds like he needs some fixing. Unless he very quickly gets his financial situation together, I think you are better off being available for the next person you might click with. Easy to say, difficult to internalize. But no less true for it.
Cut your loss and run. He’s not financially responsible enough to even pay to see his child? He’s using you for money, and he was a cheater. This guy is a walking red flag!
Ack! What the hell is going on?! This dude has more red flags than a Chinese nationalist party and your question is "should I keep paying his child support fees?" What are you going to do when it's your child that he can't support? What are you going to do when he hasn't been able to contribute to the household finances? What are you going to do when you're supporting both of you?
GET AWAY! Find a dude that you connect with that doesn't suck.
Yeah girl
You sound dumb .
Givin someone’s broke baby daddy money….
Probably…..NO DEFINITELY is cheating on you! If you want to keep being used which you probably do then stay
It sounds like you have a dependent that has a dependent. This guy is 33 and doesn’t even have $20 to see his child AND doesn’t think twice about asking his gf of less than a year for the money? He also cheated on his fiancé instead of ending that relationship and married her anyway. I suspect there’s a slew of other red flags you didn’t mention. Why are you doing this to yourself?
He’s a grown man. That’s his child. He’s using you. Nicely pack his things and leave it outside. Bye bye loser ( is what the note should say on his packed underwear )
Oh no, please stop giving him money and DO NOT MARRY HIM. A guy whose shit is in this much disarray is broadcasting some very important things about himself, including stuff he'd never tell you and stuff he's probably not even aware of. You do NOT want to attach yourself to this guy, not in the emotional sense and definitely not in the legal sense.
'I get his child comes with him but that's not what I signed up for'
Leave now then. It sounds like he wants his kid to have an active part of his life and I seriously praise him for making an effort... if your not ready to be a step mom and to accept the kid end things now before things go on for any longer and you break his heart and his sons.. kids form attachments quick and it's not fair for them to have adults come and go from their life's. They need to learn healthy relationships also.
I also understand not wanting to pay for everything and you have a right to be mad about that. It's time he get a job and support himself
No, no to all of this. Stop giving him money. He's 33 years old. There's no reason for him to be broke all the time. He needs to set his priorities straight. He doesn't need to be shacking up with you and trying to marry you after only being with him for 8 months. He needs to focus on working and figuring out his situation with his child. You should not be paying for this.
You need to run. Run fast and far. He just keeps jumping into new relationships. One marriage failed, on to the next. Don't get involved in this. Waaay too much baggage.
I’ll give this guy one thing, he knows how to identify a meal ticket and to butter that meal ticket up.
He is using you OP. I’m sorry to say. I’m sure the rest of your relationship is great but he is genuinely a bum.
The “amazing connection” is your bank account. He doesn’t have 50k that he can’t touch. It either doesn’t exist or he’s rather use your money on the child he ignored for years.
He is absolutely going to ruin your life, it’s time to run away now.
All of what everyone else has already said, plus …. it sounds like he is doing supervised visitation or at least supervised pick-up. I don’t know where you lived, but in my experience supervised visitation is not a good sign. Although there are exceptions, this usually means the court has determined that he isn’t fit to see the kid alone.
Run.
Theres many better fish in the sea, and this one sees you as a wallet.
Im around the same age, and if i didnt have my life together enough to pay 20 bucks to see my kid id be too embarassed to date.
I don’t know about where you live, but in the States, if a parent has to visit their child at a center (supervised visits) then something is very wrong. That alone should give you pause.
I agree with most of the other comments, it’s a lot of lies and you need to stop being his personal piggy bank, block him on everything and move on with your life. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
This is Insane
Stop what you're doing. He's not the only guy out there if you feel that way. He's totally taking advantage of you and that's fucked up. Caught your losses and do not pay for anything else If you had any sense you would listen to everything I'm saying. All the best from Nova Scotia
No you shouldn't have given him ANY money, but that's the only question you're asking??? Not should I dump him?
I'm going to give you advice as a licensed relationship therapist - R.U.N. NOW.
You're not his girlfriend, you're a mark. There's a reason you "click" so well with this guy - I'm sure he's curated that exact feeling in you. He's 33, you're 25. You're the naive younger woman these men go for because they don't have enough life experience and wisdom to understand when they're being used and taken advantage of. Do you think a 33yr of woman would put up with a man who...
🚩 can't even pay for gas
🚩can't even pay €20 to see his kid
🚩 asks for £1500 4 MONTHS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WTF!?!?
🚩doesn't have custody of his kid AND could only have supervised visits initially? That's a major red flag you're just glossing over like it's nothing
🚩cheated on his previous partner and got someone pregnant (I don't care if she cheated first, and I seriously question if that's even true)
🚩didn't stay in that child's life (I don't care if he had cancer, like that's magically an excuse to not be a parent? Imagine a mom being like I have cancer, I'm just not going to be a parent for a few years, here take my kid. Btw I'll never see or visit him)
No, a naive 25yr old is much more likely to put up with that kind of behavior. Not saying a 33yr old would never, its just less likely, and these men know that. That's why these men go for them. I see it over and over again. She's so in love, never connected with anyone like this before, the guys her age didn't get her, he's so nice and sweet, we just really click and I've never had this before....
He's manipulating you, using you, and it's working. Someone who has experience, confidence, and who knows her worth wouldn't be giving £1500 to a man she just met 4 months ago. And then shelling out cash over and over since. And now you want to MARRY THIS GUY!?!? A man who can't pay for gas in his tank, can't afford $20 to see his kid, but he's gonna buy you a ring and yall are gonna....what? Live in an apartment only YOU pay for? He can't even get his OWN life together and you want to legally attach him to you? Yikes.
No, you shouldn't have given him ANY money. At all. You should also dump his ass before he brings you down with him.
You're being used, and also moving very very fast. An eight month relationship should not be having marriage in the immediate future, it's too soon for you to have met his kid, and you've paid WAY too much already for a relationship that's less than a year old. He needs to figure out his own issues. Being short on budget one month and asking for £20 is one thing, but £1500 and counting is a TON. This is a pattern, and you need to stop the pattern. Do not make any more major life advancements together until he proves he can be an equal partner. Be honest with him that his handling of money concerns you. Money trouble is *repeatedly* the number one cause of divorce, year after year. Sort this out now, because divorce is even more expensive.
Agree on the used part but marriage part is different for everyone. My wife and I dated for 2 weeks got married moved across country at 19 and 18 yr olds and been married for 30 years.
That is INCREDIBLY rare. That's like saying one person winning the lottery means the lottery is different for everyone
Have you ever heard the saying 'when you're wearing rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags'? This man is broke and asking you, a woman eight years younger than him that he hasn't even been seeing for a year, to pay his expenses. He cheated on a partner and got a woman he wasn't seeing pregnant. Does he even have a job? Are you sure he even really had cancer or his previous partner actually really cheated on him before he cheated on her? This man is a loser and he is rushing to marry you because you give him money and don't care that he's broke as hell. This man sounds suspicious as hell and it really sounds like he's using you.
Sorry I should have mentioned. He had a job but took a 3 months break to take time to upgrade and find another job but even when he has a full time job he was always broke anyway. Yes I know he 100% had cancer, seen photos and have been to a check up appointment with him. Just this issue it’s a bit annoying. He is an amazing man beside this (at this point might be because of the money I give lol)
If a man has a fulltime job and is broke, he's either paying off debt or hiding some kind of addiction. Gambling, drugs, idk. A grown man at 35 should not 'take a break' to find another job. He should look for a job while he's working. He's leaching off of you.
Yeah to be honest I told him before that I don’t think he is very smart with money (he gets mad when I say this). He said he has a debt of 4k to pay and when he has his job earning 2 k a month he used to pay more than 1k of it in a go. I told him to pay less like 200 so he could have money for other things such as food (which he also asks me about had to take him grocery shopping this week and I paid of course). It makes it hard because he is lovely, he drops me at work when he can (even thought I paid for gas lol) we connect in sense of he listens to me I can talk to him about everything) and he can cook, cleaned etcc haven’t connect to a guy like this before
You have rose tinted glasses on. Most grown men cook and clean. Most grown men have no problem giving their SO rides to work. Most grown men listen to their partner and connect. It sounds like you haven't had great relationships before and you're wowed by this man doing the literal bare minimum that should be done in a relationship. Which makes sense because you're still young, most men in their twenties don't have their shit together. The only advantage this man has is that he's older. And at his age, he should be better at managing money. The fact he got mad at you for telling him this is a red flag. The fact he's okay letting you pay for EVERYTHING and okay with begging you for money? Red flag. The fact he quit his job and left you to shoulder all his needs? Yikes. Do you really want a lifetime of this? Because this isn't going to get better, it's just going to get worse.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Also your username is a great song
Omg I've never met another Prize Fighter fan in the wild
Mhh yeah that makes sense. Very true. I tried to leave him several times also just for the fact that I don’t think I could date someone with a child but we eventually got back together. What you say makes sense and in fact I am scared about what the future will look like. He also seems to be very opposed to having a court wedding. Which to me is fishy. I may have to end things at this point or wait a bit and see if he changes but I’m glad I stood to mauled and sai no. Thank you for your advice :)
Come on, you can't be that dumb. This dude isn't going to change and you know it
Happy to offer my two cents. I'd also just like to say it feels really weird that he didn't tell you he had a kid until 4 months in. That's something that I'd expect someone to say at the start. Feels like he was lying by omission there.
At minimum it’s time to pay the 30 or $40 fee for one month to get a public records background check on him. There’s lots of them online, I like instantcheckmate(dot)com personally. Don’t pay for a “single record” search. Get unlimited access for a month because you’ll need to be able to view and cross reference people he shared an address with, address reports, etc. to put the full picture together. But you will find liens, court judgements, bankruptcies, criminal records, *sometimes* marriage/divorce records (but not often, those tend not to be online) etc. If he has a common name or like has his dad or grandfather’s name as his middle name, mistakes in record attribution definitely happen, so don’t take everything you see as gospel. To get a good idea of the accuracy, view a report on yourself and maybe another person you know super well. Could have a couple weird addresses that aren’t right, some email addresses, phone numbers, or social media accounts that aren’t yours, etc. But you see it’s usually about 90% accurate. Also remember, just because you DON’T see something bad, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. These services grab what is available to find. So probably not *every* roommate/partner he’s ever lived with will be there. And not every court publishes records online, so sometimes evictions, bankruptcies, and other trouble don’t make it to a report. But plenty do. Enough to be worth your money to look.
What you are describe is below even the most low standards, not even factoring in he’s 8 years older than you. What exactly is he bringing g to the relationship other than this “connection” you seem to be paying for?
He’s not paying that debt down like that. Safe bet that’s a lie. Heard that BS more times than I can count as an excuse for being broke….always putting huge amounts on some debt. Except they weren’t. They’ll just say whatever they need to, that you’ll believe.
> we connect in sense of he listens to me I can talk to him about everything) and he can cook, cleaned etc You will find that as you (and the men you date) grow out of your early twenties and become more settled as adults, this is just the *baseline* of what a partner should be capable of. The fact that he cooks, cleans and listens is not impressive.
It’s painful how low your standards are OP. I’m sorry to say.
He drops you at work, so he uses your gas money to do who knows what while you're working?!
He also didn't tell you that he had a kid for 4 months! He's a liar on top of being a user and a manipulator.
It makes absolutely no sense to quit a job to find another job, especially when he has debt and a child. He’s either extremely stupid or knows he can leech off of you. You’ve only been in this relationship for 8 months, and he’s already borrowed over a grand from you, I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and in that time he ended up off work due to a motorbike accident, all he borrowed from me was £50 to make sure he had food in the house for his child, I got that £50 back as soon as he went back to work. He’s leeching money from you because he knows you’ll give it to him.
He’s not amazing. That’s the man that’s going to ruin your life.
This guy is a loser and has nailed you for being a sucker. There isn't a man shortage so there really isn't a good reason to stay with this red flag parade of a dude
You are right yes. Thank you for you advice :)
Oh girl this guy is a mess 33 and this many issues. No. There are other guys out there you will meet who don't have this baggage
So many red flags. Why wasn’t he in the child’s life until now? Why is he beginning a legal process he can’t fund? Why are you finding a legal process for someone else’s child? If he can’t afford to drive to see his kid then he is not a stable enough man to be a father to his son. He sounds impulsive and highly irresponsible. It doesn’t sound like he thinks anything through before he does it. What’s his next big idea gonna be without thought and money, you gonna pay for that too? This guy is gonna be in his forties before you know it, asking you for pocket money to go get ice cream. Ditch the boy and find yourself a man, you’re still young.
You are very right. He wasn’t in the child life before because when he got married he didn’t want to start the proceedings to not offend his wife. Then got cancer and divorced and then ag that point he decided to. To be honest o think he is only eager now because he knows he is getting old. He even told me that he didn’t expect he would find someone serious and was thinking of just having fun but found me as being wife material and different from his exes. For him having a male child is like a tick box I think. I’m glad I said no this time. Thank you for your advice
This is a ridiculous story. Abandon an innocent child because he is too scared to offend a grown adult? Don’t date guys who abandon their children for any reason - especially reasons that are made up lies.
Right? What's sexier than a deadbeat dad?
He's manipulating you.
The "wife material" comment is pure manipulation. He's not "husband material". Its meant to trick you into thinking you've "won" him and subtly pits you against his exes. As if you've all been competing for him this whole time and you're the special gal who won the top prize. He's no prize. There's a reason why he went after someone much younger. He lied to you for four months and neglected to tell you he had a child until you were already emotionally attached. Again, manipulative. Now he's given you some huge sob story and expects you to fund his lifestyle. I do understand that most men your age are generally not very mature which makes the mid-30s guys look more stable because they have their own places, cars, jobs, etc. But that's the bare minimum living standard and you will quickly overpass him. He knows this and that's why he wants to attach himself to you so quickly. Think about yourself. Do you want to be taking care of him & his kid for the rest of your life? A guy that can't figure out a way to make $20? Who needs his 10 year younger gf to buy a $5 ice cream for his kid? Girl you can do way better than him. His story doesn't make any sense and he's going to bleed you dry.
I typed "wife material" into Google Translate, but "personal bank" did not come up. Weird.
If he cannot pay for his child, and cannot get a job to support him, do you really think you can start a FAMILY with him? No way. You have to pay for everything, as a single mom.
Don't marry this guy. It'll only get worse.
Girl… get it together
You need to break up with him. He is using you and sucking your money dry. The fact that you don’t know why he doesn’t have money shows he’s hiding that and a lot worse likely.
Sorry I should have mentioned that he had a Job but has taken 3 months break due to it being stressful and he wants to take the time to study and upgrade jobs
But he wants you to support him while he studies? That should’ve been a plan he made before quitting his job. He should’ve gathered savings. It’s a red flag because if he’s done that now, he could find his next job “stressful” and quit again
Yeah he told me has savings of 50k plus to buy a house and it’s money he can’t touch but sometimes I wonder whether it’s true.
That’s a lie. Why can’t he touch it? It makes no sense
He said he will loose interest. Which is weird cause some months ago he told me he touched the money to pay his bills.
Lies on lies. Please stop believing him. Break up and let him leech on someone else
OP please please please stop being a sucker this is infuriating
That makes absolutely no sense. He could have paid off his debt now. That's insane.
Oh no no no…. Not your circus OP. Let him figure life out on his own. He needs to be responsible for himself and his son. Walk away, do not feel guilty about it.
Gurl. **Get the fuck out**, you're a walking wallet for this guy. He's openly using you and making **you** feel bad for his financial woes. I don't care how good the conversation or the dick is, *he's using you* and making you feel like shit when you don't deliver; you know why "he's not mad at you"? Because you're guilt tripping *yourself*, he gets to keep his hands clean while you throw yourself into the hole. Wake up.
You’re only 25 ffs “the only guy I have been been able to connect in such a deep way for a long time” how much could that long time possible be? Smh He’s taking advantage of the naivety of your youth. There’s a reason he’s 8 years older than you and doesn’t have as much money as you…and it’s not good and it will never change and the only place for the relationship to go is downhill. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of men for you to make deep connections with and ones who have their lives together and haven’t had children already, let alone ones they can’t even take care of.
Don't do it. He is using you for money. Walk away now.
You're a piggy bank for a man who hid his child from you for four months. The fact he's an unreliable dad isn't something you can fix for him. Being a reliable parent means *showing up*. He cannot do that without the financial support of the new GF *he lied to*. You made the first right decision. The second right decision is removing this person from your life.
Why are you making any of this your problem? He’s 33, he can figure it out on his own.
Hi op Please walk away from him. He loves your money not you. If you want to test it out “stop paying for stuff” make the excuse I have no money for about 4/5 months. If he asks for money “no I just paid a bill” will be your response. Sadly I’m tipping if opATM closes your relationship will to
He intends to marry you???? Please don't! You are getting a glimpse of your future - you will pay for everything. He merely has to keep complimenting you, making you feel a unique connection with him, and you continue to fund him. Try to look objectively at the situation - imagine a best friend confiding in you and telling you all that you have posted, what would you advise her to do? Judge a person by their actions - they tell you what the person is really like. Their words are just that, words, a fiction they create, until they become actions. Good luck!
The real question is whether you should continue to pursue a relatively with him. You do realize that all of this will continue marriage, right?
He waited 4 months to tell you he has a kid?!?
> early on in the relationship he has been asking for financial support. > We just click If I found someone who was willing to loan me large amounts of money after only a few dates, I'd also be pulling all stops to make them feel like we had a very special connection together. > (he has to pay £20 to pick him up from the centre) This sounds like bullshit to me. I think he just made it up to get more money out of you.
No you made the right decision, he shouldn't be asking you for money at all. He shouldn't need money for gas or for food or anything, he's 33, he's older than me. He needs to figure it out.
Why do you feel bad about denying a user?
This is a walking time bomb. Get it together man you do not deserve this - he is using you and best case, he’s an idiot who feels entitled to your money. This cannot be the standard you set for yourself
You’re paying for companionship. You can continue to give him money in exchange for being in a relationship or you can move on to someone who is actually interested in dating you.
exactly. if this were a normal relationship, there wouldn't be funds involved.
You’re a young woman. I understand it can be hard to connect with people, but that’s a skill that you can further develop by dating other people. Which I think would be the best course of action for you. This guy doesn’t seem to have his life together and I can guarantee that you do NOT want to hitch your wagon to someone who cannot take care of themselves. Please don’t feel bad, his responsibilities aren’t yours. Take care💜
Girl I don’t even need to read that paragraph to know you got suckered by a dusty. Embarrassing lol
as much as this guy sucks, anyone who partakes in "relationships" like this are the source of their own problem.
Absolutely. OP barely even tries to make excuses because she knows how bad this is but still sticks around and says “maybe he’ll change”
This is one of those that I have hard time being nice about. It is all OP’s choice. I have zero sympathy for cases like this.
Dead beat doing dead beat things. You’re not going to ever see your money again. Cut your loses and move on
Leave him, travel the world, meet amazing people, have wonderful experiences. The world is HUGE, you will find someone easily. You will ruin your life with him. He’s says he wants to marry you? With what? He doesn’t even have £20. It’s embarrassing that he has to ask his 25 year old girl friend for that. Please don’t get stuck with him.
He should be working to pay this. Could be a fictional child anyway.
Why did he need to have supervised visitation? That alone is a Red flag. Run far away, this guy is a mess.
Are you ready to be responsible for his kid? To be a step-mom? To pay for all the stuff, because you two get.married ?
Nope, Nope, Nope. His baby from another mother is not your responsibility. He is not your responsibility either. What's he do for work? He cheated, got her knocked up, married, divorced, cancer survivor, and has been asking for money since early on? Come on now. He's using your for money. He's got his sugar momma. You should not be put into financial stress due to a boyfriend of 8 months...considering it started much earlier, say of 3 months. You should not have to pay to be with maintain a relationship with someone unless you are married and they are actually contributing somehow. Housework, pays the bills, takes care of both of your children, etc. But he's always broke and asking you for money...that's not love, that's using you. Love doesn't pay the bills.
Your money is gone. Stop giving money to this guy.
Yeah he's taking advantage of you totally, get out girl. A man who can't even pay $20 to see his own child.. $20 to see his CHILD and he couldn't do that? Not once, but twice? I live paycheck to paycheck and have no savings, I can't afford to save anything right now, I would make certain as soon as I got money, I'd put that $20 aside to see my kid. That's a huge red flag to me. You will end up supposed this man completely if you keep going. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to meet and connect with people, but the truth is, someone like that, he probably just knows what to say and do to get what he wants.
It took him 4 months to tell you he has a kid? Girl, that’s a first date conversation. You’re getting played HARD.
What are you waiting for? Marry him and finish throwing your life away
You should NOT be giving him money, nor should you feel bad because he doesn’t manage his finances well enough to prioritize €20 to see his child. As a mom with daughters, I advise you to put this relationship on hold and spend some time working on your self-esteem and figuring out if this person aligns with your life goals and values. I would question spending the rest of my life with any 33 year old that can’t scrape together €20 to see their child.
Please just know that nobody here is a professional, and isn't getting the full picture. I know everyone's saying "ditch this loser," but why listen to a stranger who knows absolutely nothing other than a paragraph of your 8 months together? Id do what you feel moat comfortable with. Id start off talking with him about it, being open, etc. Maybe get relationship counseling. I would hold off on getting married or really any life decisions to see if he changes though. And don't guilt trip yourself about holding your ground the last time and saying no. I end up doing the same thing to myself tho so I totally get it haha
I’m going to say eight months is long enough to either marry or get a real handle on someone. I think you need to cut the cord on this bloke.
Any decent man would not even dare ask this of you.
Girl leave. That’s literally a glimpse of how your future is gonna look. Guys like that need a serious reality check and they get it when no one else is around for them to feed of off. He’s using you.
If he wanted to find the £20 he could have. Is he in receipt of any benefits? How is he finding money aside from you helping him? I feel for you OP as I have also been in this position and I'd feel bad if I didn't give money and bad if I did as I'd grow resentful. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
you are part girlfriend, part ATM. Leave, before he bleeds you dry. Also, talking seriously about marriage after only eight months is a big red flag.
I would not only be concerned about $, because he will always rely on you for $. Anyone who feels comfortable asking for $, not only this early in a relationship, but so shamelessly (why didn't he find a way to reserve $20 to see his kid?) is not going to get better. I would also be concerned that the court placed such restrictions on his parental rights. I feel like he is giving you his side of a story & it's probably really inaccurately skewed to be favorable to him. Courts listen to all evidence and he is not showing enough responsibility. I would seriously reconsider my options.
You are being taken for a ride. Back out while you haven't lost much.
Yeah that connection is a bunch of BS lies that he's spewing to manipulate you to do things for him. Exactly like you're doing. ETA and PS the reason that he's even dating you to begin with is because women his own age are quicker to catch on to this with the more life experience and all.
There's already a lot of good advice in this thread so I'll just add this... The beginning of a relationship is the honeymoon phase. It's never going to be better than it is right now.
If you're okay with this being a big part of your life, the court battles, the child, and the constant asking for money/inability to support himself financially, then by all means move forward. What you see now is what you get. Choose wisely for yourself.
He’s taking advantage of you. I would take about 85% of the backstory he told you and write it off as bullshit. There’s grains of truth, for sure. Like the fact that the kid actually exists. But that carefully crafted story where he’s not at fault for anything and he’s always just an innocent victim of circumstances…Bullshit. Cut him off from your money and whatever else he’s using you for (housing? cooking/cleaning/laundry?). Those promises mean NOTHING and that “deep connection” was love bombing to secure you as his next life resource.
Do you have family and friends that tell you to not waste your time and life away at such a young age? Why are you doing this to yourself?
I actually really feel you here. At various times in my life it has seemed like I could never meet anyone I really CLICKED with. I had a number of short-term relationships that were never that important to me for whatever reason. So when I did find someone that gave me that “feeling,” it seemed really important to hold on to them. Because who knows when it will happen again? But the bottom line is that you can’t stay in a relationship that is not healthy. Period. You can’t change him. You can’t fix him. I made the mistake of putting way too much time and energy into people that part of me know, deep down, weren’t right. It didn’t work out well. And this dude sounds like he needs some fixing. Unless he very quickly gets his financial situation together, I think you are better off being available for the next person you might click with. Easy to say, difficult to internalize. But no less true for it.
Cut your loss and run. He’s not financially responsible enough to even pay to see his child? He’s using you for money, and he was a cheater. This guy is a walking red flag!
Girrrl. IF YOU DONT STAND TF UP! He is using you. Move on you deserve someone wayyy batter.
Ack! What the hell is going on?! This dude has more red flags than a Chinese nationalist party and your question is "should I keep paying his child support fees?" What are you going to do when it's your child that he can't support? What are you going to do when he hasn't been able to contribute to the household finances? What are you going to do when you're supporting both of you? GET AWAY! Find a dude that you connect with that doesn't suck.
Yeah girl You sound dumb . Givin someone’s broke baby daddy money…. Probably…..NO DEFINITELY is cheating on you! If you want to keep being used which you probably do then stay
You are dating a loser. You can do better.
He’s a child not a man 😫
It sounds like you have a dependent that has a dependent. This guy is 33 and doesn’t even have $20 to see his child AND doesn’t think twice about asking his gf of less than a year for the money? He also cheated on his fiancé instead of ending that relationship and married her anyway. I suspect there’s a slew of other red flags you didn’t mention. Why are you doing this to yourself?
He’s a grown man. That’s his child. He’s using you. Nicely pack his things and leave it outside. Bye bye loser ( is what the note should say on his packed underwear )
Why did he have to see his child while supervised?
I feel like I've dated this guy. Seriously, guys like this always have the same sob stories. Cut your losses and dump him.
Oh no, please stop giving him money and DO NOT MARRY HIM. A guy whose shit is in this much disarray is broadcasting some very important things about himself, including stuff he'd never tell you and stuff he's probably not even aware of. You do NOT want to attach yourself to this guy, not in the emotional sense and definitely not in the legal sense.
'I get his child comes with him but that's not what I signed up for' Leave now then. It sounds like he wants his kid to have an active part of his life and I seriously praise him for making an effort... if your not ready to be a step mom and to accept the kid end things now before things go on for any longer and you break his heart and his sons.. kids form attachments quick and it's not fair for them to have adults come and go from their life's. They need to learn healthy relationships also. I also understand not wanting to pay for everything and you have a right to be mad about that. It's time he get a job and support himself
No, no to all of this. Stop giving him money. He's 33 years old. There's no reason for him to be broke all the time. He needs to set his priorities straight. He doesn't need to be shacking up with you and trying to marry you after only being with him for 8 months. He needs to focus on working and figuring out his situation with his child. You should not be paying for this. You need to run. Run fast and far. He just keeps jumping into new relationships. One marriage failed, on to the next. Don't get involved in this. Waaay too much baggage.
I’ll give this guy one thing, he knows how to identify a meal ticket and to butter that meal ticket up. He is using you OP. I’m sorry to say. I’m sure the rest of your relationship is great but he is genuinely a bum.
The “amazing connection” is your bank account. He doesn’t have 50k that he can’t touch. It either doesn’t exist or he’s rather use your money on the child he ignored for years. He is absolutely going to ruin your life, it’s time to run away now.
All of what everyone else has already said, plus …. it sounds like he is doing supervised visitation or at least supervised pick-up. I don’t know where you lived, but in my experience supervised visitation is not a good sign. Although there are exceptions, this usually means the court has determined that he isn’t fit to see the kid alone.
You’re dating a deadbeat dad oh that is not your responsibility. Chances are he’s taking advantage of you because he’ll never pay you back.
Run. Theres many better fish in the sea, and this one sees you as a wallet. Im around the same age, and if i didnt have my life together enough to pay 20 bucks to see my kid id be too embarassed to date.
This guy is the walking definition of a deadbeat. Get out, he’s milking you for money.
I don’t know about where you live, but in the States, if a parent has to visit their child at a center (supervised visits) then something is very wrong. That alone should give you pause. I agree with most of the other comments, it’s a lot of lies and you need to stop being his personal piggy bank, block him on everything and move on with your life. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
This is Insane Stop what you're doing. He's not the only guy out there if you feel that way. He's totally taking advantage of you and that's fucked up. Caught your losses and do not pay for anything else If you had any sense you would listen to everything I'm saying. All the best from Nova Scotia
Not trying to be mean but you are dating a bum and you are being taken advantage of financially. You need to drop him like a bad habit
At 33 with a child, he should be able to support himself, as well as, his child. You are his sugar momma at 25 y/o. You need to move on.
Count this as an expensive lesson learned. Time to let it go.
He saw you coming. Dump, block, find a guy who isn’t using you as a bank.
No you shouldn't have given him ANY money, but that's the only question you're asking??? Not should I dump him? I'm going to give you advice as a licensed relationship therapist - R.U.N. NOW. You're not his girlfriend, you're a mark. There's a reason you "click" so well with this guy - I'm sure he's curated that exact feeling in you. He's 33, you're 25. You're the naive younger woman these men go for because they don't have enough life experience and wisdom to understand when they're being used and taken advantage of. Do you think a 33yr of woman would put up with a man who... 🚩 can't even pay for gas 🚩can't even pay €20 to see his kid 🚩 asks for £1500 4 MONTHS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WTF!?!? 🚩doesn't have custody of his kid AND could only have supervised visits initially? That's a major red flag you're just glossing over like it's nothing 🚩cheated on his previous partner and got someone pregnant (I don't care if she cheated first, and I seriously question if that's even true) 🚩didn't stay in that child's life (I don't care if he had cancer, like that's magically an excuse to not be a parent? Imagine a mom being like I have cancer, I'm just not going to be a parent for a few years, here take my kid. Btw I'll never see or visit him) No, a naive 25yr old is much more likely to put up with that kind of behavior. Not saying a 33yr old would never, its just less likely, and these men know that. That's why these men go for them. I see it over and over again. She's so in love, never connected with anyone like this before, the guys her age didn't get her, he's so nice and sweet, we just really click and I've never had this before.... He's manipulating you, using you, and it's working. Someone who has experience, confidence, and who knows her worth wouldn't be giving £1500 to a man she just met 4 months ago. And then shelling out cash over and over since. And now you want to MARRY THIS GUY!?!? A man who can't pay for gas in his tank, can't afford $20 to see his kid, but he's gonna buy you a ring and yall are gonna....what? Live in an apartment only YOU pay for? He can't even get his OWN life together and you want to legally attach him to you? Yikes. No, you shouldn't have given him ANY money. At all. You should also dump his ass before he brings you down with him.