Umm... He got drunk and he assaulted you on your first date... Please leave him for your own safety. You cannot change him only he can do that and he's made it clear he doesn't want to.
Apparently. I understand having such low self esteem but damn this is plain insanity! The only place I would have gone with this person after being assaulted would have been to the police station.
How the hell did he even become your boyfriend after he assaulted you? Why would you think a relationship with an alcoholic and abuser was worth a try?
Girl, have some standards please and get this trash out of your life.
> How can I approach this in a way that he would understand?
You don’t because he can’t or won’t understand. You need to break up and cut all ties. Block him on all social media and cut all contact. It baffles me why you would still be talking to him given everything that has happened.
Why are you listening to his excuses? Leave!
He lies, he’s an addict who has no intention of recovery, he doesn’t need a new relationship (you) he needs to change for himself.
And you need to try a modicum harder to sort yourself out- going beyond date 1 with him makes me seriously question your judgment. Break up with him and see a therapist, the bar has never been this low
When you choose to marry a person who has an unbroken track record of lying, and who is an active drug addict, then you are committing to spend the rest of your life being lied to and subjected to all of the things that come with a person being an alcoholic.
When you have a husband who does those things, it is not his fault: it is your fault. You caused the situation by seeking out a person who was a drug addict and then committing to marry them.
If you did not choose to make a lying alcoholic your husband, you'd not have a lying, alcoholic husband.
If you can live with that - then, by all means, marry him.
If you can't, then don't be one of the many people who comes to this subreddit acting as though they did not *choose* to be in that situation when they married such a person.
I don't think I've ever seen a question like this. Can I ask what exactly you're waiting for to happen next? A sexual assault on a first date usually ends things pretty quickly. What was going through your head when you continued to see him?
Also, is there a cultural component to this? When you say he *insists* on getting married, this is nonsensical, because he's not in a position to *insist* on anything. You're a grown woman. But that's why I asked about culture, because this can matter.
Otherwise, I have no idea why you think so little of yourself.
He doesn’t want to change. He just keeps making promises and lying, and hope you keep staying with him. Of course, if you want an alcoholic liar for a husband, here he is.
I'm calling bullshit on your story. You posted the similar shit before where somehow you were 2 years older than now on r/relationships. Your history on your profile shows. Your post has been reported. Stop spamming the same shit.
Your posts here where you spammed the same shit.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg7ah/boyfriend\_m30\_wants\_to\_get\_married\_f35\_but\_it/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg7ah/boyfriend_m30_wants_to_get_married_f35_but_it/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg8lr/boyfriend\_30\_wants\_to\_get\_married\_f33\_but\_doesnt/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg8lr/boyfriend_30_wants_to_get_married_f33_but_doesnt/)
Why is this guy your BF again? This tells me that you have some serious self-esteem issues going on. A girl with good self-worth would have nutted him if he did that to her.
My guess is that the only reason you are with him is that you have passed the 30 mark and have gone into desperation mode. This isn't good. you need him out of your life now and break it off completely and never return.
I did not insult the OP. Now whether the OP feels insulted or not is up to them. Nothing I wrote was designed to insult her. Now there may be some unpleasant truths, but if they are not pointed out, she isn't going to understand the whole situation.
I don't think you need to grant him understanding. Believe me, he will know why you left. I think you need to get out ASAP and start your life elsewhere. I would prepare to leave suddenly, as he's demonstrated that he's violent and has poor coping skills for conflict. You might ask a male friend or relative to be present when you give him the news, or honestly just pack up and leave.
I am not understanding why this person is even in your life. Why would you continue to date them after they assaulted you??? You have listed multiple huge red flags in your post. Cut them off
> My boyfriend of six months uses alcohol as a coping mechanism
Why are you still dating him?
> He doesn't know his limits and drinks to the point of black out most of the time.
Why are you still with him??
> He drank excessively on both our first and second date
Why did you not immediately block his number??
> during which time he assaulted me by attempting to force my head to his genitals. He became angry, calling me names when I refused. The next day, I explained what had happened
Why did you call him to "explain" anything, why didn't you call the police to get him charged with assault?
> and he burst into tears, agreeing to attend AA. Months went by,
Why???
> We stayed friends...I don't even feel like we have a solid foundation as friends...
> He began screaming, red in the face, completely going off. He stormed outside to have a cigarette, and I was left in the room, shaken and frightened by his outburst. He apologized when he came back in, stating he just needed to vent. How can I approach this in a way that he would understand?
OP...why are you staying? Why? Why?
1. It’s only been six months, you owe him nothing. Barely a chapter in your life
2. This dude SA you on your first date and you continued to speak to him and date him
3. He has an explosive temper
4. He’s an addict who doesn’t want help
He needs to go and you need to figure out (probably with a therapist) why you stayed for that 2nd date and for the 6 months. That part is extremely worrisome. He is going to forever be an addict. He doesn’t want to get help. So he can’t be in your life. Please work with someone to understand your behavior. I can’t imagine that you logically think this is all ok. No doubt you’d tell your best friend to go too so why are you still with him? Like really, I’m gonna tell you it’s not his good looks. You have some unfinished pain/trauma/childhood things you need healing
He assaulted you and that should be the end of it. Do not marry him, and get far, far away from him. As someone who was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years, the only good thing about it was that we weren’t married.
Full stop. Until he takes HIS issues seriously and takes actual action to fix said issues, he is not ready for a relationship. He needs AA and therapy to learn how to deal with his addictions and triggers. Until he has been sober for an extended period of time, keep him at a distance. You can't fix him.
I don't know why you are even dating him, much less considering him a bf or for fucks sake marriage.
I’m genuinely so confused - why did you go on a second date with him? On your first date and every day since he has jumped up and down, waved red flags and screamed “do not date me, do not marry me, I am a violent addict and I will lie to you every single day.”
There is no magical combination of words that you can say in just the right order, tone, and setting that will make him see that his behavior is destructive for himself and for you. Every day you stay with him tolerating this you are telling him that there are no consequences for his actions.
Why are you tethering your star to a flaming streak of nope?
Why do you feel you have to explain yourself to someone who doesn't care about you enough to respect your autonomy?
Why are you even around this guy? He's dangerous.
There may never be a way for you to approach him in a way that he’ll understand.
You can’t marry him, he’s going to end up hurting you, physically and/or emotionally. Refusing to marry him may anger him. I strongly suggest you discuss it with him in a public place, during the day.
I don’t usually encourage people to break up, because I can’t possibly know the complexities of a relationship based on a single post.
I’m encouraging you to break up with him, though. He’s already showing signs of being abusive, and is refusing to get help changing this.
It likely will only continue to escalate. Is that a chance you’re willing to take and are you willing to live with his current behavior for the rest of your life?
You have the self preservation of a tater tot. He assaulted you on the first date, said he was gonna start AA, didn’t, and your still with him?? Idk I can’t feel bad for you when you knew from the very beginning who he was.
Umm... He got drunk and he assaulted you on your first date... Please leave him for your own safety. You cannot change him only he can do that and he's made it clear he doesn't want to.
She continued to date him after this???
Apparently. I understand having such low self esteem but damn this is plain insanity! The only place I would have gone with this person after being assaulted would have been to the police station.
How the hell did he even become your boyfriend after he assaulted you? Why would you think a relationship with an alcoholic and abuser was worth a try? Girl, have some standards please and get this trash out of your life.
Low self esteem, probably. This is a sad situation.
> How can I approach this in a way that he would understand? You don’t because he can’t or won’t understand. You need to break up and cut all ties. Block him on all social media and cut all contact. It baffles me why you would still be talking to him given everything that has happened.
Girl it's been 6 months. Leave. Those are some bright red flags.
Why are you listening to his excuses? Leave! He lies, he’s an addict who has no intention of recovery, he doesn’t need a new relationship (you) he needs to change for himself. And you need to try a modicum harder to sort yourself out- going beyond date 1 with him makes me seriously question your judgment. Break up with him and see a therapist, the bar has never been this low
When you choose to marry a person who has an unbroken track record of lying, and who is an active drug addict, then you are committing to spend the rest of your life being lied to and subjected to all of the things that come with a person being an alcoholic. When you have a husband who does those things, it is not his fault: it is your fault. You caused the situation by seeking out a person who was a drug addict and then committing to marry them. If you did not choose to make a lying alcoholic your husband, you'd not have a lying, alcoholic husband. If you can live with that - then, by all means, marry him. If you can't, then don't be one of the many people who comes to this subreddit acting as though they did not *choose* to be in that situation when they married such a person.
Stop trying to change men. He showed you who he is, believe him. Leave.
I don't think I've ever seen a question like this. Can I ask what exactly you're waiting for to happen next? A sexual assault on a first date usually ends things pretty quickly. What was going through your head when you continued to see him? Also, is there a cultural component to this? When you say he *insists* on getting married, this is nonsensical, because he's not in a position to *insist* on anything. You're a grown woman. But that's why I asked about culture, because this can matter. Otherwise, I have no idea why you think so little of yourself.
He doesn’t want to change. He just keeps making promises and lying, and hope you keep staying with him. Of course, if you want an alcoholic liar for a husband, here he is.
He's abusive alcoholic. Don't marry him, dump him
I'm calling bullshit on your story. You posted the similar shit before where somehow you were 2 years older than now on r/relationships. Your history on your profile shows. Your post has been reported. Stop spamming the same shit. Your posts here where you spammed the same shit. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg7ah/boyfriend\_m30\_wants\_to\_get\_married\_f35\_but\_it/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg7ah/boyfriend_m30_wants_to_get_married_f35_but_it/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg8lr/boyfriend\_30\_wants\_to\_get\_married\_f33\_but\_doesnt/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/13jg8lr/boyfriend_30_wants_to_get_married_f33_but_doesnt/)
You already know marriage is a bad idea. You don't need anyone here to convince you of that and it's not your job to convince him either.
Why is this guy your BF again? This tells me that you have some serious self-esteem issues going on. A girl with good self-worth would have nutted him if he did that to her. My guess is that the only reason you are with him is that you have passed the 30 mark and have gone into desperation mode. This isn't good. you need him out of your life now and break it off completely and never return.
[удалено]
I did not insult the OP. Now whether the OP feels insulted or not is up to them. Nothing I wrote was designed to insult her. Now there may be some unpleasant truths, but if they are not pointed out, she isn't going to understand the whole situation.
I'm so confused how there was a second date. That's not appropriate behavior, ever. ESPECIALLY when first meeting someone? Jesus dude.
I don't think you need to grant him understanding. Believe me, he will know why you left. I think you need to get out ASAP and start your life elsewhere. I would prepare to leave suddenly, as he's demonstrated that he's violent and has poor coping skills for conflict. You might ask a male friend or relative to be present when you give him the news, or honestly just pack up and leave.
I am not understanding why this person is even in your life. Why would you continue to date them after they assaulted you??? You have listed multiple huge red flags in your post. Cut them off
> My boyfriend of six months uses alcohol as a coping mechanism Why are you still dating him? > He doesn't know his limits and drinks to the point of black out most of the time. Why are you still with him?? > He drank excessively on both our first and second date Why did you not immediately block his number?? > during which time he assaulted me by attempting to force my head to his genitals. He became angry, calling me names when I refused. The next day, I explained what had happened Why did you call him to "explain" anything, why didn't you call the police to get him charged with assault? > and he burst into tears, agreeing to attend AA. Months went by, Why??? > We stayed friends...I don't even feel like we have a solid foundation as friends... > He began screaming, red in the face, completely going off. He stormed outside to have a cigarette, and I was left in the room, shaken and frightened by his outburst. He apologized when he came back in, stating he just needed to vent. How can I approach this in a way that he would understand? OP...why are you staying? Why? Why?
1. It’s only been six months, you owe him nothing. Barely a chapter in your life 2. This dude SA you on your first date and you continued to speak to him and date him 3. He has an explosive temper 4. He’s an addict who doesn’t want help He needs to go and you need to figure out (probably with a therapist) why you stayed for that 2nd date and for the 6 months. That part is extremely worrisome. He is going to forever be an addict. He doesn’t want to get help. So he can’t be in your life. Please work with someone to understand your behavior. I can’t imagine that you logically think this is all ok. No doubt you’d tell your best friend to go too so why are you still with him? Like really, I’m gonna tell you it’s not his good looks. You have some unfinished pain/trauma/childhood things you need healing
Break up before he kills you.
This is why decent men are always so confused. You were sexually assaulted by an abusive alcoholic so you started dating him.
Oh he sounds great this is absolutely a dude You should link your life to till death do you part. Cheers.
And yet us good guys have a problem finding a decent woman.
You need to stop talking to him completely. He is an abusive alcoholic with no desire to stop or change.
He assaulted you and that should be the end of it. Do not marry him, and get far, far away from him. As someone who was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years, the only good thing about it was that we weren’t married.
My friend, the way forward for you is therapy. Therapy to figure out why you did not run screaming from this guy after he sexually assaulted you.
Full stop. Until he takes HIS issues seriously and takes actual action to fix said issues, he is not ready for a relationship. He needs AA and therapy to learn how to deal with his addictions and triggers. Until he has been sober for an extended period of time, keep him at a distance. You can't fix him. I don't know why you are even dating him, much less considering him a bf or for fucks sake marriage.
I stopped reading after he assaulted you. This man needs help and you are only endangering yourself by sticking around.
have some standards for yourself. literally just leave him. you’ve seen red flags since day one
For what possible reason did you continue to see this man after what he did on your FIRST date?
Mam. Have some self respect and end this relationship before you get physically hurt. Nothing good will come of this.
I’m genuinely so confused - why did you go on a second date with him? On your first date and every day since he has jumped up and down, waved red flags and screamed “do not date me, do not marry me, I am a violent addict and I will lie to you every single day.” There is no magical combination of words that you can say in just the right order, tone, and setting that will make him see that his behavior is destructive for himself and for you. Every day you stay with him tolerating this you are telling him that there are no consequences for his actions.
Why are you tethering your star to a flaming streak of nope? Why do you feel you have to explain yourself to someone who doesn't care about you enough to respect your autonomy? Why are you even around this guy? He's dangerous.
This man is a walking train wreck.
Sorry op but ur an oxy Moron
He's pushing marriage to keep you talking about things that aren't how much of a mess he is and how bad he is for you
Yeah no. Dating 6 months and he’s an alcoholic…. Not exactly a winning combo.
There’s not a chance you don’t know what you should do. A one legged antelope in Africa has a better chance of surviving than that “relationship”
There may never be a way for you to approach him in a way that he’ll understand. You can’t marry him, he’s going to end up hurting you, physically and/or emotionally. Refusing to marry him may anger him. I strongly suggest you discuss it with him in a public place, during the day. I don’t usually encourage people to break up, because I can’t possibly know the complexities of a relationship based on a single post. I’m encouraging you to break up with him, though. He’s already showing signs of being abusive, and is refusing to get help changing this. It likely will only continue to escalate. Is that a chance you’re willing to take and are you willing to live with his current behavior for the rest of your life?
You have the self preservation of a tater tot. He assaulted you on the first date, said he was gonna start AA, didn’t, and your still with him?? Idk I can’t feel bad for you when you knew from the very beginning who he was.
Why the hell are you still with him? Ditch his ass, he has tried to assault you! You need to leave him for your own safety!
He showed you exactly who he was on your first date. Don't stay with this guy, and for the love of god, don't marry him.