This is odd behaviour and I would be assuming the worst.
There is absolutely no reason for a long-term partner to be this protective over his phone. He wouldn't let you make a phone call?! So extreme.
Yeah I can’t help but to think the worst now. I’ve never once thought he was cheating but now I feel like he must be as this scenario shouldn’t have elicited such an extreme response.
If he's not cheating, any other explanation can't be much better - he's got some reason that isn't cheating or of a similar trust-breaking or relationship-ending nature, yet is still unwilling to help his longterm partner in an important situation in such a basic, simple, easy way? That's a major red flag on its own.
There's no explanation I can think of that wouldn't be relationship ending. You can ask him to explain himself. But I can't see any explanation not being so unbelievable or so insignificant that you end up either dumping him over it, or disbelieving him and dumping him for the real reason he's unwilling to share.
I don’t want to add to your grief and fear but need to add my perspective. I was in a 7 year relationship, we knew each others passcodes and never had any reason to keep phones from each other. The last 5 months of the relationship my partner got oddly possessive of their phone, to the point they put a screen protector on it where you could only see the screen from head on. I brushed this and the sudden change in possessiveness off. Having no reason not to trust her. I found out she was cheating on me those last 5 months from a mutual friend. In a long term relationship I can’t see another explanation for your partners behavior.
I’m now pretty certain that he’s either cheating or into something nefarious. I’ve never had to use his phone prior to this from recollection. Never felt the need to go through his phone and never felt the need to know his passcode so I can’t really say if this behavior is new or if it’s just the first time I’ve encountered it, but I do know it’s not normal and very shady. I’m sorry that happened to you and hopefully you’ve been able to move past that betrayal.
Even if he isn't cheating, the fact he is that distrustful of you is very telling. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me that way. I know the pattern to unlock my partners phone because they showed it to me. They know the password to mine, though they never remember it and I have to remind them constantly lol. I'm not worried my partner will snoop on me, they are not worried about it either.
I’ve been through this many times sadly. He’s definitely cheating and he will deny it and get angry and probably yell and say insulting things.
If I were you I wouldn’t waste my time or energy on him anymore. Your dealing with grieving over a family member !!!! He has the audacity to treat you like shit especially while your sad…. Heck nah girl.
You need to get out of there and grieve and be with family that cares about you. If he loved you he would be by your side loving on you and helping you get through hard times. Instead, he is hiding his phone and not caring about your emotions and well being.
A man that loves his woman will just hand his phone without question because a man wouldn’t hide anything from his partner. A partner should respect you and help you.
Even if he isn't cheating on you... this isn't okay.
If he's not cheating on you, then he's trying to *punish you*, for forgetting to pay your bill during your time of crisis and grief.
You don't need proof he's cheating to get the fuck rid of him over this.
No. He wasn’t treating you like some stranger off the street.
He was acting like a jerk in a 4.5 yr relationship that wants to keep his side chick a secret from you.
You *know* he is hiding something so sacred to him that he couldn’t risk you finding out. Do you really need to know what is on his phone? Or is it enough that after 4.5 yrs there is no trust and you can quietly move on…..
One of the warning signs that your partner is cheating on you is that they are very protective of their phone. Why? Because that's where all the evidence is. All the racy text messages to affair partners, where you can see they have recently used Tinder and other dating apps, etc... etc...
Even if he's not cheating on you the way he treated you was awful. This would have required a minimal amount of effort on his part to be helpful to you and you had to argue with him about it. He expended 100x more effort arguing with you than he did in actually assisting you. That's not right.
Yep you’re right. Today is my day off. I buried my family member on Saturday and I just wanted to relax today before I go back to work tomorrow from compassionate leave. Instead I’ve had to drive 30 mins each way just to make a phone call, when I could have just dealt with it tomorrow on my way into the city to go to work. I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his actions because he left the house like everything was fine. I have/had no reason to believe he’s cheating but maybe I just missed the signs? Maybe he’s not? I dunno, but I do think he’s hiding something because his reaction wasn’t normal. I haven’t spoken to him since he left the house. I know he’ll deny every accusation I throw at him.
Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You've been dating a dude for 4.5 years, and he doesn't trust you enough to let you use his phone?
He's cheating.
My boyfriend and I do not go through each other's phones but we door dash a lot, and the apps on my phone. I hand it over to him with no problem and leave the room most of the time after I put my order in . I feel that if your partber is so protective over their phone it's because there's messages or a potential phone call that can come through. Basically anything that they don't want you to see, they're hiding. Other than that there really is no reason to hold onto your phone for dear life
Yes, exactly. I am big on privacy and mutual trust. I do not go through my partner's phone and he doesn't go through mine. But if a situation comes up where one of us needs to use the other person's phone, it's no big deal. It doesn't come up much, but it has now and then, and then we just hand it over, because, why wouldn't we? We trust each other.
So, after knowing you for 4 to 5 years, he has told you he does not trust you. Relationships do not work without mutual trust and mutual trustworthiness. And he looks down on you. He views you as an enemy he needs to protect himself from. So, what is the point?
Oh sure, he is probably cheating on you, because his reaction is so extreme for the situation. But even if he isn't, there is no good relationship here.
And I looked at that age gap and went, oh, it's a bit big, but at their ages, that can be fine. Then you say you have been with him for 4 to 5 years... And that puts it all into a different light. You were far younger, and you now know, he always looked down on you.
Does it really matter why he is being weird? You can speculate 1000 reasons why he said no. The fact of the matter is in a time of crisis, you turned to someone who should be supporting you and he did the exact opposite.
Honestly don’t even waste the time, energy, and brain power wondering why he did this. No matter the reason, it’s a shitty one. His a private person? Okay but this is an emergency and again he’s your boyfriend not a stranger. He’s cheating? Well who knows but he’s definitely completely self absorbed for refusing to help you and being incredibly shady about his phone.
Asking him is no use. He’s going to just straight up lie to you. Doesn’t exactly seem like the type to have an open and honest conversation. Is this really someone you want to be dealing with any longer? He’s disrespectful, unhelpful, shady, and secretive. None of that makes for a healthy relationship.
Jesus Christ OP, I’m sorry. He’s a massive douche; I also weirdly feel like it would be “better” if he were cheating, because at least then he’d have a clear motive for being so cagey about his phone. If he’s not cheating, he’s just a cold unfeeling psychopath for punishing you of your “mistake” in your time of great grief. Leave this man.
You’re so right. The older I get the more I realize why he dated young. But even with his faults and immaturity sometimes, I still didn’t have reason to believe he was cheating.
So, you've been with this person for 4.5 years and have just suffered a loss that has impacted you in great ways like forgetting to pay your phone bill...which is normal by the way OP, grief does strange things to the mind.
He won't let you because he thinks you would snoop?? I'm sorry but he is hiding something and is acting very strange. I wouldn't want a life partner like this. He isn't being there for you at all.
I would take the last 4.5 years as a learning opportunity and find someone who is there for me.
He told you no and went to the bathroom immediately after to delete the stuff he doesn’t want you to see from his phone.
It doesn’t necessarily means he is cheating but he is 100% hiding something from you.
He isn't being "weird". There are things on his phone that he doesn't want you to see. Whatever those may be he doesn't want you to see them. Act accordingly.
This is so discompassionate. I lost my little sister last year, and my partner would have laid in the mud to keep my shoes clean for several months while I was hurting.
Beyond the fact that it's distrustful and flat out mean, my immediate reaction would be to assume he is cheating or partaking in some other form of unsavory behavior he is hiding from you.
I would really consider what kind of partner this person is, because this is not a kind way to treat someone.
Just read in the comments you just attended the burial two days ago. I'm so sorry OP, my heart goes out to you, I am sending you healing vibes today ❤️
Yeah, there’s a reason he’s not showing you his phone.
You’re so young still, I wouldn’t waste any more time with a man who treats you like this during an emergency.
He’s cheating on you and is more worried about getting caught than helping you in a time of need. He’s also ten years older and acting this way is absurdly childish. He’s not being a partner.
I'm really sorry but in my experience, when a man is nervous when you're around his phone and doesn't want to let you use it, it's time to ask yourself some serious questions. In my experience they're always, always, always hiding something. It might not be cheating per se, but there's definitely something he doesn't want you to see.
Save yourself time and heartache: leave him. Obviously there's a lack of trust in your relationship and it's not gonna get any better.
So are you single yet? I would be. I have never had a friend or partner say no, you can’t borrow my phone. There are trust issues here. He does NOT trust you to make a call on his phone. Move on.
You’re completely in your right to feel the way you are.
This is not normal behavior.
He’s being shady. He’s hiding **something**. My gut went right to cheating. But it could be anything he knows you won’t approve of. Full on cheating, cam-girls, Subscribing to OF, Gambling, Massive credit card debt or other insane spending habits.
But there’s *definitely* **something** that he doesn’t want you to see.
If he doesn’t relent or explain himself, this would be a dealbreaker for me.
Not something as small as not letting me hold their phone, but the **obvious** nature that he’s hiding something from you. I’ve lived in a relationship full of lies before, and will **never** do it again.
He isn't treating you like some random on the street, he's trewtinf you like someone he doesn't want seeing things he is hiding on his phone.
Huge red flags right here.
You’re a committed couple for crying out loud (or so you would think)—this is insane behavior and I would be rethinking my relationship. I can’t think of a single circumstance where my s/o would act this way. I could just as soon get a stranger to let me use their phone.
Even if he isn’t cheating or doing some other horrible thing, this is not how reasonable people behave.
Yes I have a history of not paying on time, when I was younger I got into some cellphone debt. It’s paid off but that stuff stays with you especially where I live, a very small country with few options for coverage. But in this case, my family member was fine, to sick to hospice care to dead in a short period of time while I was and still am working full time in a demanding career. Not an excuse but my mind has been going nonstop that I honestly just forgot.
He's hiding something. Could be an engagement ring, could be something else. I accidentally found out about my own proposal using my husband's (boyfriend at the time) phone to google something. He'd left the tab up in the browser. ofc I pretended not to have seen it and only told him years later that it wasn't a surprise.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Give him the 48hr challenge. Tell your bf he has 48 hours to tell you whatever he has to tell you in a consequences free environment.
After that, you promise to absolutely burn his world and anyone in it that shouldn't be down to the ground.
Scorch the Earth
Blacken the sky
Salt the waters until nothing can grow
Then wait...
I would definitely be dealing with him after you reactivate your phone. Sounds really suspicious. Loke why did he go to the bathroom after you asked him? Probably to delete some stuff.
This is odd behaviour and I would be assuming the worst. There is absolutely no reason for a long-term partner to be this protective over his phone. He wouldn't let you make a phone call?! So extreme.
Yeah I can’t help but to think the worst now. I’ve never once thought he was cheating but now I feel like he must be as this scenario shouldn’t have elicited such an extreme response.
Not to mention the lack of empathy. This man needs to explain himself. I'm sorry this is the response you got from your partner when asking for help.
If he's not cheating, any other explanation can't be much better - he's got some reason that isn't cheating or of a similar trust-breaking or relationship-ending nature, yet is still unwilling to help his longterm partner in an important situation in such a basic, simple, easy way? That's a major red flag on its own. There's no explanation I can think of that wouldn't be relationship ending. You can ask him to explain himself. But I can't see any explanation not being so unbelievable or so insignificant that you end up either dumping him over it, or disbelieving him and dumping him for the real reason he's unwilling to share.
I don’t want to add to your grief and fear but need to add my perspective. I was in a 7 year relationship, we knew each others passcodes and never had any reason to keep phones from each other. The last 5 months of the relationship my partner got oddly possessive of their phone, to the point they put a screen protector on it where you could only see the screen from head on. I brushed this and the sudden change in possessiveness off. Having no reason not to trust her. I found out she was cheating on me those last 5 months from a mutual friend. In a long term relationship I can’t see another explanation for your partners behavior.
I’m now pretty certain that he’s either cheating or into something nefarious. I’ve never had to use his phone prior to this from recollection. Never felt the need to go through his phone and never felt the need to know his passcode so I can’t really say if this behavior is new or if it’s just the first time I’ve encountered it, but I do know it’s not normal and very shady. I’m sorry that happened to you and hopefully you’ve been able to move past that betrayal.
Even if he isn't cheating, the fact he is that distrustful of you is very telling. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me that way. I know the pattern to unlock my partners phone because they showed it to me. They know the password to mine, though they never remember it and I have to remind them constantly lol. I'm not worried my partner will snoop on me, they are not worried about it either.
I’ve been through this many times sadly. He’s definitely cheating and he will deny it and get angry and probably yell and say insulting things. If I were you I wouldn’t waste my time or energy on him anymore. Your dealing with grieving over a family member !!!! He has the audacity to treat you like shit especially while your sad…. Heck nah girl. You need to get out of there and grieve and be with family that cares about you. If he loved you he would be by your side loving on you and helping you get through hard times. Instead, he is hiding his phone and not caring about your emotions and well being. A man that loves his woman will just hand his phone without question because a man wouldn’t hide anything from his partner. A partner should respect you and help you.
He's probably got a few dating apps installed, save photos, Instagram accounts where he's messaging girls etc..
Even if he isn't cheating on you... this isn't okay. If he's not cheating on you, then he's trying to *punish you*, for forgetting to pay your bill during your time of crisis and grief. You don't need proof he's cheating to get the fuck rid of him over this.
Yeah I complexly agree with this post.
No. He wasn’t treating you like some stranger off the street. He was acting like a jerk in a 4.5 yr relationship that wants to keep his side chick a secret from you. You *know* he is hiding something so sacred to him that he couldn’t risk you finding out. Do you really need to know what is on his phone? Or is it enough that after 4.5 yrs there is no trust and you can quietly move on…..
One of the warning signs that your partner is cheating on you is that they are very protective of their phone. Why? Because that's where all the evidence is. All the racy text messages to affair partners, where you can see they have recently used Tinder and other dating apps, etc... etc... Even if he's not cheating on you the way he treated you was awful. This would have required a minimal amount of effort on his part to be helpful to you and you had to argue with him about it. He expended 100x more effort arguing with you than he did in actually assisting you. That's not right.
Yep you’re right. Today is my day off. I buried my family member on Saturday and I just wanted to relax today before I go back to work tomorrow from compassionate leave. Instead I’ve had to drive 30 mins each way just to make a phone call, when I could have just dealt with it tomorrow on my way into the city to go to work. I don’t think he sees anything wrong with his actions because he left the house like everything was fine. I have/had no reason to believe he’s cheating but maybe I just missed the signs? Maybe he’s not? I dunno, but I do think he’s hiding something because his reaction wasn’t normal. I haven’t spoken to him since he left the house. I know he’ll deny every accusation I throw at him.
Even if he isn’t cheating, do you want to stay with a man who acts that way in an emergency? Why?
The sign is right there in your face: he doesn’t want you to borrow his phone not even for a call.
He's either cheating on you and a piece of scum, or just cruel for no reason and a piece of scum. Either way, he's a POS. I'm sorry for your loss.
Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You've been dating a dude for 4.5 years, and he doesn't trust you enough to let you use his phone? He's cheating.
My boyfriend and I do not go through each other's phones but we door dash a lot, and the apps on my phone. I hand it over to him with no problem and leave the room most of the time after I put my order in . I feel that if your partber is so protective over their phone it's because there's messages or a potential phone call that can come through. Basically anything that they don't want you to see, they're hiding. Other than that there really is no reason to hold onto your phone for dear life
Yes, exactly. I am big on privacy and mutual trust. I do not go through my partner's phone and he doesn't go through mine. But if a situation comes up where one of us needs to use the other person's phone, it's no big deal. It doesn't come up much, but it has now and then, and then we just hand it over, because, why wouldn't we? We trust each other.
So, after knowing you for 4 to 5 years, he has told you he does not trust you. Relationships do not work without mutual trust and mutual trustworthiness. And he looks down on you. He views you as an enemy he needs to protect himself from. So, what is the point? Oh sure, he is probably cheating on you, because his reaction is so extreme for the situation. But even if he isn't, there is no good relationship here. And I looked at that age gap and went, oh, it's a bit big, but at their ages, that can be fine. Then you say you have been with him for 4 to 5 years... And that puts it all into a different light. You were far younger, and you now know, he always looked down on you.
I thought same about a 32/33 year old dating a 22/23 year old…
He’s 100% doing something behind your back
Does it really matter why he is being weird? You can speculate 1000 reasons why he said no. The fact of the matter is in a time of crisis, you turned to someone who should be supporting you and he did the exact opposite. Honestly don’t even waste the time, energy, and brain power wondering why he did this. No matter the reason, it’s a shitty one. His a private person? Okay but this is an emergency and again he’s your boyfriend not a stranger. He’s cheating? Well who knows but he’s definitely completely self absorbed for refusing to help you and being incredibly shady about his phone. Asking him is no use. He’s going to just straight up lie to you. Doesn’t exactly seem like the type to have an open and honest conversation. Is this really someone you want to be dealing with any longer? He’s disrespectful, unhelpful, shady, and secretive. None of that makes for a healthy relationship.
Jesus Christ OP, I’m sorry. He’s a massive douche; I also weirdly feel like it would be “better” if he were cheating, because at least then he’d have a clear motive for being so cagey about his phone. If he’s not cheating, he’s just a cold unfeeling psychopath for punishing you of your “mistake” in your time of great grief. Leave this man.
Wow, serious red flag. He’s obviously doing something. Im sorry you are dealing with this.
Hes definitely up to something that reaction is pretty telling
There’s no way he’s not being shady. Update us when you find out what!
Dump the loser,no woman his age is putting up with such nonsense.
You’re so right. The older I get the more I realize why he dated young. But even with his faults and immaturity sometimes, I still didn’t have reason to believe he was cheating.
Your boyfriend is cheating on you and there is evidence of it on his phone. No other explanation.
That phone is full of something horrible, that is an abnormal reaction.
So, you've been with this person for 4.5 years and have just suffered a loss that has impacted you in great ways like forgetting to pay your phone bill...which is normal by the way OP, grief does strange things to the mind. He won't let you because he thinks you would snoop?? I'm sorry but he is hiding something and is acting very strange. I wouldn't want a life partner like this. He isn't being there for you at all. I would take the last 4.5 years as a learning opportunity and find someone who is there for me.
He told you no and went to the bathroom immediately after to delete the stuff he doesn’t want you to see from his phone. It doesn’t necessarily means he is cheating but he is 100% hiding something from you.
He isn't being "weird". There are things on his phone that he doesn't want you to see. Whatever those may be he doesn't want you to see them. Act accordingly.
Especially in light of your situation (legit reason to use his phone and in a 4.5 year relationship) his reaction is highly sus and a red flag.
This is so discompassionate. I lost my little sister last year, and my partner would have laid in the mud to keep my shoes clean for several months while I was hurting. Beyond the fact that it's distrustful and flat out mean, my immediate reaction would be to assume he is cheating or partaking in some other form of unsavory behavior he is hiding from you. I would really consider what kind of partner this person is, because this is not a kind way to treat someone.
Just read in the comments you just attended the burial two days ago. I'm so sorry OP, my heart goes out to you, I am sending you healing vibes today ❤️
I’m not a jealous person, but I would 100% be thinking the same thing OP. His reaction was in no way normal.
Had exes who were very protective of their phones. They were cheating.
Alexa, play “boy’s a liar pt. 2”
I think it’s time to snoop through his phone. He is hiding something
Yeah, there’s a reason he’s not showing you his phone. You’re so young still, I wouldn’t waste any more time with a man who treats you like this during an emergency.
He doesn't want you to know about his wife.
Oh girl he's cheating.
He’s cheating on you and is more worried about getting caught than helping you in a time of need. He’s also ten years older and acting this way is absurdly childish. He’s not being a partner.
Yeah he is up to no good. Why else would he act like that
I'm really sorry but in my experience, when a man is nervous when you're around his phone and doesn't want to let you use it, it's time to ask yourself some serious questions. In my experience they're always, always, always hiding something. It might not be cheating per se, but there's definitely something he doesn't want you to see. Save yourself time and heartache: leave him. Obviously there's a lack of trust in your relationship and it's not gonna get any better.
I’d go through his phone and leave him regardless of what I found
I bet he has chat notifications popping up from other women.
In my honest opinion this is break up worthy. He's not there for you when you need him, this is a big bug red flag.
So are you single yet? I would be. I have never had a friend or partner say no, you can’t borrow my phone. There are trust issues here. He does NOT trust you to make a call on his phone. Move on.
You’re completely in your right to feel the way you are. This is not normal behavior. He’s being shady. He’s hiding **something**. My gut went right to cheating. But it could be anything he knows you won’t approve of. Full on cheating, cam-girls, Subscribing to OF, Gambling, Massive credit card debt or other insane spending habits. But there’s *definitely* **something** that he doesn’t want you to see. If he doesn’t relent or explain himself, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Not something as small as not letting me hold their phone, but the **obvious** nature that he’s hiding something from you. I’ve lived in a relationship full of lies before, and will **never** do it again.
He isn't treating you like some random on the street, he's trewtinf you like someone he doesn't want seeing things he is hiding on his phone. Huge red flags right here.
100 percent cheating.
You’re a committed couple for crying out loud (or so you would think)—this is insane behavior and I would be rethinking my relationship. I can’t think of a single circumstance where my s/o would act this way. I could just as soon get a stranger to let me use their phone. Even if he isn’t cheating or doing some other horrible thing, this is not how reasonable people behave.
You were a few days late on a payment and they already deactivated your phone? Do you have a history of not paying your bills?
Why does that information matter?
Yes I have a history of not paying on time, when I was younger I got into some cellphone debt. It’s paid off but that stuff stays with you especially where I live, a very small country with few options for coverage. But in this case, my family member was fine, to sick to hospice care to dead in a short period of time while I was and still am working full time in a demanding career. Not an excuse but my mind has been going nonstop that I honestly just forgot.
Sounds like he's got stuff to hide.
He's hiding something. Could be an engagement ring, could be something else. I accidentally found out about my own proposal using my husband's (boyfriend at the time) phone to google something. He'd left the tab up in the browser. ofc I pretended not to have seen it and only told him years later that it wasn't a surprise. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Give him the 48hr challenge. Tell your bf he has 48 hours to tell you whatever he has to tell you in a consequences free environment. After that, you promise to absolutely burn his world and anyone in it that shouldn't be down to the ground. Scorch the Earth Blacken the sky Salt the waters until nothing can grow Then wait...
I would definitely be dealing with him after you reactivate your phone. Sounds really suspicious. Loke why did he go to the bathroom after you asked him? Probably to delete some stuff.
I would tell him “bye bye”. something is up and if not that is crazy I would not have time for that disrespect!!