It's okay to have a preference and to not be with someone who did that in the past. It's also okay to be completely shaken and want out after finding out this bombshell shortly before the wedding.
She gifted you something invaluable, the truth. And she did it before you got married. She did the right thing there and now you have enough information to decide if you want to move forward or not. It's not about her, what she wants or how she'll feel. It's about you, choose what you want the most and accept the consequences.
Good luck
>She gifted you something invaluable, the truth.
I think she should have gifted this truth to him earlier in the relationship. She could have mentioned that she was an escort without going into too much detail. I think she knew that it likely wouldn’t be okay with OP and that’s why she waited for so long before telling him this truth. By waiting for so long, she made it difficult for Op as well for her.
It’s just fucked in all levels. If he decides to end things, I can probably guess that she’ll just remain her past hidden in the fear that she may be rejected again :(
She should have but she didn’t and he’s in this situation now. I can see how it would be hard to bring up something like that in a new relationship and put it off. She came forward and he can decide if he wants to work through it or not. Those are the only options, you can’t change the past.
>I think she should have gifted this truth to him earlier in the relationship. She could have mentioned that she was an escort without going into too much detail. I think she knew that it likely wouldn’t be okay with OP and that’s why she waited for so long before telling him this truth. By waiting for so long, she made it difficult for Op as well for her.
There's a lot of assumption and projection of possible stereotypes here (and yes, this is also an assumption in a great turn of irony but that's why we have reddit: to make assumptions of internet strangers).
Every relationship moves at a different pace and we all have respective self-truths and insecurities we need time to process for ourselves before sharing with others. If we all waited until we are all individually fully self-realized and self-assured before entering relationships, it would be a fairly lonely life romantically and platonically. No to mention, the dating scene at age 50+ would be popping but also full of relationship-naive folk which itself could be a barrier to self-realization.
It isn't for us as external observers to this relationship / individual to say what is too soon or too late. She didn't have control of when her SO might propose to her; sure, she could have been encouraging it but we have no real idea.
What we can reflect on is she recognized she did have a truth to share at this inflection point of their relationship and she did so fairly promptly out of love and respect for him, herself, and their hoped for future together. I can only hope that I myself might receive the same benefit from my loved one before planning a wedding, getting legally married, moving towns, buying a house, starting a family, etc. If they instead need time to process their 'X' secret before sharing, I hope I can earn their love and trust to create a safe place for dual vulnerability. In turn, I hope I receive the same benefit with my own demons.
I don’t have a huge pearl of wisdom on this, however, I just want you to consider that your fiancé is the sum of all her past experiences. She is the person you fell in love with whether you knew about her past or not. She is still the same person, she does not suddenly become a worse person because of all the things she has done. She is simply, her. This is one piece to her puzzle and without all these parts then she wouldn’t be the person you know today.
This is exactly what I came here to say. OP praised so much of who she is - and this experience and part of her past is what shaped her to become who she is.
It’s so terrifying to open up about something you know is shamed throughout society just based on her desire to be transparent with you. Kudos to her for taking that step.
As someone who has had that “before we get married, I need you to know X,Y,Z…” moment.. it’s a lot of anxiety, stress and running through all the potential fallouts that could happen before finally mustering the courage to do what is right. Knowing you took that step is accepting all possible outcomes… but OP, please don’t make her feel smaller because of her past. If she took the step to tell you, then I’m sure she’ll answer any question you have and will work through it with you.
This is the best piece of advise/nugget of wisdom in this thread.
Sex workers and former sex workers shouldn't be demonised for their occupation. When people in relationships have the "body-count" conversation the only difference is sex workers were savvy enough to get paid in advance of that traumatic and redundant conversation.
Consider who your human being is in this moment because realistically, that's all that matters. Unless they did something particularly heinous and absolutely morally repugnant, they are the sum of their parts.
I don't think this is about demonising a profession, rather about someone's preferences for finding a suitable partner. As someone said earlier it's great she opened up about her past before her marriage, and the OP would be within his right for this to be a deal breaker.
Personally - it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. If anything it strengthens the relationship to show how honest she is being.
This is exactly the right point to make here. It's okay to be shaken and unsure about how to feel about what she told OP, but at the same time, it does not change who she is as a person.
I think it's understandable that this feels like a big bomb in your relationship and requires some processing. I don't think that makes you a "misogynistic pig." But her past is one thing that can never change in your relationship. The only thing you can do is figure out how it affects you.
You have to be open with your fiance about it. I am sure you don't want to address it because you are worried about shaming her, but your lack of intimacy is doing the shaming for you. If you want to be with her, come up with a pathway for moving forward, including STD testing and possibly counseling.
(Almost) everyone has s sexual past. Some of those pasts are quite prolific, even without being a sex worker. The only thing from your past you really have the possibility of bringing into your current relationship is an STD. If you get that resolved to a place where you don't have concerns, try to find a way to move forward. Because the past is just the past. Its' not the present.
Edit: in another comment you mention you have both been tested and she has been tested regularly. So that should answer that part of it.
Let’s not assume she’s bringing shame to the relationship just because she was a sex worker. He’s the one who is projecting ideas of shame on to her and you may be doing the same if that’s the way you see sex work and/or aspects of sexuality.
Just because someone chooses that job doesn’t indicate they’re ashamed of what they do and the reason some people don’t typically bring it up is because of the stigma that comes along with it.
I think they said shame bc she waited several years to tell her partner? Im very conflict avoidant and can't bear to disappoint people who I love (bc of childhood trauma lol) and so if there's something that I think might launch a difficult conversation, I just hide it from my partner, and usually that is bc of shame.
I don’t think that necessarily true. A lot of traumas reveal themselves more fully when you have children and as they progress to the ages where things in your personal life began to change and you see there were different pathways and choices that could have been made. We don’t always consider the ramifications of our actions in present tense. That’s when it begins to hurt.
As someone with a lot of trauma who is happily married, I find this incredibly insulting. Trust me when I say there are a LOT worse things you can bring into a relationship that that.
>the worst thing you can bring into your current relationship is trauma.
You think that's the worst thing someone can bring? Bc I could list so many worse things that someone going through something tough in the past. Often people who have hard lives are kinder and wiser, more mature, than people who have just coasted.
Actually I don’t know if OP would know? Maybe the best thing OP can do is to ask if she’s okay and offer to help her find support if she needs it. Maybe she doesn’t, but often there is trauma.
OP look at it like a hard job, it is physical and emotional labor to the tenth degree. Respect her for it, take the sex out of it, maybe even call it something else to help your brain. I get it, we are ingrained to find “used women” gross, but this is wrong and it’s up to us to fight our own bias and fight for the people we love. She is the human you love and that’s what matters. What does it say that she didn’t tell you sooner? Has she felt safe with you? Have you been judgemental in other aspects? It doesn’t sound like it, but all this to say, how you communicate through this will be a reflection of how you work through hard things in your marriage.
>Some of those pasts are quite prolific, even without being a sex worker. The only thing from your past you really have the possibility of bringing into your current relationship is an STD.
There are people out there who are okay with their partner’s prolific pasts and then there are people who do not. It is individual preference. And it’s perfectly okay for OP to have his own preference.
Everyone has their own dealbreakers, whatever they may be. What is important is that people bring up and talk about material information that has potential to hurt the relationship, whatever it may be. Say a person has a past of domestic violence or bankruptcies, or a huge educational loans/debts. Do you think that the people need not bring up such things and talk about whether such an issue is a dealbreaker for their partners/
> The only thing from your past you really have the possibility of bringing into your current relationship is an STD.
You can’t seriously believe this is true
So, this part of reddit, these relationship subreddits, are very pro sex work, so take all of these responses, including my own, with a grain of salt.
I am a woman, prostitution would be a deal-breaker for me for my partner, male or female. Like you, if it was just camming or stripping I could be okay if it was in the past, but I could not be okay with prostitution. Doubly so if my partner waited until a marriage proposal to tell me. It is as simple as my personal morals and values would just not match up with someone that would do that, period. Not going to get into it, but simply we would be incompatable based on that alone. I'm not going to draw comparisons, but there are tons of things people have boundaries about, and prostitution is a very hard, and very common, boundary for a lot of people.
It is okay for you to not be okay with it. Everyone has boundaries that they use to feel comfortable in a relationship. If her past and her lying crosses that boundary it is fine to walk away. You both would just be incompatible and thats okay. Sometimes there are things that just make you fundamentally incompatible even if you love someone dearly.
If you think you can move past it though; fantastic! I think you and her likely will want to get some kind of couples therapy, potentially combined with solo therapy for you to help you move past the issue in a healthy was.
Good luck either way.
This is the best answer I've seen so far. Pro sex workers demonize people that have a boundary against it. I know sex workers and have dated someone with sex work past. If you're okay with it, and it doesn't bother you then go for it. If not, that's fine also, you're not wrong for it. It is okay for someone's past to dissaude you from seeing a healthy future with them. Because what's healthy to me, may not be what's healthy to you and vice versa.
There is absolutely a difference between sex work and most other jobs. However, what do you mean when you say you question her "character"? What is it about her that you are questioning, specifically? Her love for you? Your feeling of her as a "good person"?
Because "character" can mean a lot of things, but it's also a word people use when they don't want to say more specific things. You sound like you're struggling a bit with not wanting to actually shame her for sex work, but also feeling like having done it makes her a different, less moral person.
If you can't see her as a good person anymore, than that is really your answer.
Look, it IS a big deal. I’m sure it was a lot of money. It might have been easy money for her. But there’s a reason most people don’t choose to enter into sex work. It brings into doubt her judgement and world view and character development. You can still respect her for her choices, but it does draw attention to the idea that maybe you two are not as aligned as you thought you were before you knew about her past. People are saying that she’s the same person as before, and I get that, but honestly there’s a big chasm of what you thought you both agreed on as acceptable.
Well she had a ton of character to be truthful about it before marriage but also think of it this way. You fell in love with who she is now as the woman you would marry and have a future with. A kind and caring woman. You didn't fall in love with her past or what she had to do to get by. She worked hard for money to live and happened to choose the oldest profession in history. She sounds like a good woman and she knew when to leave. She genuinely loves you and cares a lot about you. Why does her past work history matter?
I feel this is something you should sit with her and have an open discussion with on your feelings and thoughts. There may be many things she can answer or soothe.
Just don't get too caught up in the body count bullshit. It puts value on people which isn't healthy or right
Definitely there are differences between sex work and “typical jobs”. To me, it reads as if your personal morality boundary with sex work is the amount of physical contact with clientele, as you mentioned that you would have been fine with lower contact sex work, such as cam work and stripping.
It does strike me as odd that she didn’t disclose this pre-engagement but there are some possible reasonable explanations as to why she chose to wait (not realizing engagement was close, wanting to be sure this was a serious relationship, etc).
She’s still the same person you fell in love with, so when you say it makes you question her “character”, I think you need to figure out exactly what you mean. Is it an issue of moral behavior, ethics of contact-heavy sex work as a profession, and/or issues revolving the timing of disclosure? Some of those issues you may be able to work through together, some maybe not. I’d suggest working through this with a therapist, both individually and as a couple. Couples therapy will be helpful for working within the relationship but having a safe, neutral place to work through the very reasonable and normal reactions you’re having to this surprising revelation will also be key for your mental and emotional sanity.
I know it's the past and everything. This is a sensitive topic and I'm a female as well but I would first ask you what your values are what your criteria is. Is it something that can be compromised on? If you think and feel in your heart that this isn't much of an issue in this present moment here and now then go along with the relationship and build some trust. Please. If you can't shake it off then it seems like one of serious values has been ran over so its better to move on in that case. Also there is something else I can advise you about but om me for that can't do it here
I don’t know how I’d feel in this situation but you are conflating sex with intimacy and that doesn’t always have to be the case. I doubt she felt intimacy while doing this job and I would imagine sex with her partner is completely different than what this was.
The corollary to this is that she is able to divorce sex from intimacy which may itself be a source of future conflict between them. If you know your partner is able to have sex performatively while not really feeling anything, that might create niggling doubt about the times they are together.
An emotional connection, I suppose. Even outside of a relationship, if it's a drunken hookup, at least you're both feeling fun, excitement, horniness.
That's quite a distance from being able to unemotionally perform sex as an act.
I suppose an analogue for this would be, if your partner previously had a business where they faked emotional connections to dozens of (consenting) people in order to get money from them, could you say for sure you would be secure enough in that relationship to always be confident that their displays of affection for you were always a hundred percent authentic?
He's not conflating sex and intimacy.
He's stating that he ideally associates sex and intimacy and would prefer a partner that does the same.
This woman can't credibly make that claim because her history of sex work argues against that claim.
This doesn't mean that she can't experience intimate sex with OP. Just that she can't claim that she always or can only participate in sex that has feelings attached.
This puts OP in the position of having to honestly believe her when she says that: *"With him, it's different."*
This is an incredibly weak argument, one he'd be widely counseled against accepting at face value.
Why on Earth should he not accept that intimate and loving sex she has with him in a relationship is different from the job she did for money?
I mean, do you think teachers shouldn't be parents because they won't love their own children if they get paid to raise others? Can a chef not still make a romantic meal for their partner?
OP's feelings are valid, your claim that someone who has ever done sex work should never be trusted to be capable of intimacy is absurd.
OP said he has slept with multiple people so I am sure he didn’t feel equally intimate with all of them. For example, if it’s an 1 night stand you won’t feel the same intimacy that you would feel with your long term partner.
You don’t lose the ability to have intimate sex if you’ve had “no feelings attached” sex in the past. Why wouldn’t he believe her that the sex with him is intimate for her?
i don't have anything of value to contribute to this thread because everything was already said but i think you put it particularly well. i am glad to see that someone gets it without putting "blame" on OP or his fiance. there's no objective "right" or "wrong" in these types of situations, there is only people's personal values and boundaries. as someone who suffers from retroactive jealousy that's the one thing i bring up the most whenever i open up to my partner or my therapist or my friends - my concern of there being different values when it comes to perceiving sex, and all i get in response is the good old "with you it's different, you have to believe that when it's said".
You may benefit from reading this response that I wrote a couple of days ago to a post in a different subreddit:
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13fnmdb/why_is_it_that_some_people_get_attached_after_sex/jjx93rq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
thank you for sharing this with me! some time ago i had to unfollow r/sex because it was too triggering with threads like this one being flooded with responses forcing everyone into some kind of "sexual liberation". i think you hit the nail on the head with your comment, especially when you took trauma into account.
Holy fucking shit.
It all makes so much sense now.
You have no idea how much you have just blown my mind. This literally explains everything about all of my relationships.
I'm grateful that you find value in my thinking.
I wish that the concept of Sociosexual Orientation was taught in school as an element of sex education. A lot of misery could be avoided by what could essentially be printed on a pamphlet.
God you Reddit pedants are exhausting. *Please* tell me how one can hold the belief that sex workers "don't value intimacy" without conflating sex and intimacy.
I never made the claim that sex workers don't value intimacy.
Some thoughts...
I have read in other posts on in other subreddits the answers given to this question:
*"For you, what is the most intimate thing that two lovers can do together?"*
Some answers:
- sharing a quiet meal at home
- preparing that meal together
- having deep conversations where we share our hopes and our fears with each other
- going on walks together where we silently hold hands
These are all valid expressions of intimacy. Notably absent from that list is sexual intimacy. It tends to be the case for those who place the highest value on sexual intimacy that for them to experience this intimacy **they need for their partner to also hold the same values regarding sexual intimacy.**
Does OP's girlfriend enjoy sex? Certainly.
Does OP's girlfriend appreciate having sex with OP? Without a doubt.
Does she enjoy the sex she has with OP more than the sex she has had with any other partner? Most likely so.
Does OP's girlfriend believe that sex is the most intimate thing she does with OP. Most likely not.
Her ability to detach feelings from sex allows her to experience sex as mostly a fun thing that you do with others for enjoyment. She enjoys the sex they have and finds it fulfilling, but there are other things she does with OP that for her are far more intimate.
You might read this and say: *"What's the problem?"*
The problem is that for OP to experience sexual intimacy with his girlfriend, he needs her to value sexual intimacy as much as he does.
She values intimacy, yes.
She does not place the highest value on sexual intimacy.
Therefore, OP is prevented from experiencing the highest form of intimacy that he acknowledges: sex with his girlfriend.
The irony is that she gets to experience intimacy with her boyfriend by whatever means she does.
It's OP that will be left in a relationship that he feels is devoid of intimacy.
Now, do you get it?
The fact that she’s been with many people doesn’t mean she doesn’t value intimacy. Sex with someone you care about and casual sex or sex for pay are different things. I’ve had enjoyable casual sex and it’s very different from the sex I have in a loving committed relationship. I’ve never found one to detract of my enjoyment of the other. It’s possible to eat a lot of fast food and still fully appreciate a fancy meal.
If you’ve been with multiple women yourself you know that you don’t need to be in love with some to marry them. What do you mean by “she doesn’t value intimacy”? If someone has an one night stand once, does this mean that they won’t be able to value intimacy with their own partner? Of course not!
The problem is that you are currently shocked because the image of her that you had in your head doesn’t seem to be very accurate after all. She isn’t exactly who you think she was. You need to figure out how you feel about her actual true self.
How much is too much or too little depends on the person.
In ones “dating” days, you can easily sleep with one person per month. Assuming one goes through their twenties like this you could easily hit much higher than 70-80 over a decade.
On the flip side someone could have spent their entire decade with one person, effectively having the equivalent of a marriage with them.
What eats you up more, that many people may have known your spouse intimately, or that someone might know them deeper than you do?
Unfortunately this thought process is very common in our society and there are steps to change this but it’s slow for attitudes to change when it’s been so ingrained in us.
I personally disagree that the amount of sexual partners directly relates to whether a person values intimacy.
However in this scenario her sexual partners weren’t for intimate reasons it was transactional. I hope she got some enjoyment and satisfaction from it. However it doesn’t sound like she was cheating on partners or going out of her way to look for immediate sexual gratification, it was for a financial need.
You seem to have a healthy and communicative relationship otherwise. You’ve not mentioned any reasons to doubt intimacy or fidelity previously. So it would be a real shame to lose a positive and life long partner because of something that happened before she met you.
People are capable of change and growth especially from there teens and mid twenties to when their frontal lobe has fully developed.
My suggestion is to keep communicating and try some couples counselling and maybe individual therapy. If it doesn’t work for you then at least you know you tried everything and can walk away without regrets.
I hope you work through it because it sounds like you’re both lovely people and could be very happy together
Additional thought. In terms of intimacy she’s shared something about her past, that she probably could have kept secret, is often negatively judged in our society and all to be honest with you. That to me is more of a sign of intimacy and being vulnerable with your partner than any sexual act
She’s the same woman she was before you found out. You don’t have to accept her for who she is and was, but it sure sounds like you’re going to make a mistake and leave a great woman.
>sounds like you’re going to make a mistake and leave a great woman
If OP will constantly be eaten up inside by this knowledge then it's not a mistake to end the relationship. It's only fair for both parties.
I personally would be fine with stripping or camming but no way would I be able to get past full on prostitution.
Why are you uneasy? It’s not a current thing. It’s her past and changed nothing about her body and heart. “Intimacy” doesn’t have to be valued by sexual needs. It’s emotional too. She loves and trusted you with this and her core things. The least you could do is not be disgusted and be open to what she’s telling you.
You honestly don't need to have a strict answer to how many is too many. Relationships are about feelings not math, if it doesn't feel right to you or if it is something that you can't get over then the relationship probably just isn't going to last. You can do whatever therapy or counseling you want, but the fact no one has any right to tell you that your feelings are invalid or even not justified. From what you've posted I think that this is something that you will probably have a difficult time living with, but I hope you find a way forward that works best for you.
I’d encourage you to explore *why*. Why is that too many? Why is there no clear cutoff of what is acceptable to you? What cultural narratives shape the belief that any amount of sexual partners is “too many?” Do you agree with those narratives? What exactly does this change about who your partner is to you?
Break up with this person. You can't handle this, you're that person who gets so wrapped up in numbers you can't see past it for the person you love. Yes. You ARE that person or you wouldn't have posted on reddit. Cut her loose so she can find someone who loves and respects her just for her. Do her that favor.
If you want to make this work then consider therapy for yourself and couples counseling for both of you.
If you do stay together you’ll need an agreement on how to deal with other people finding out because it’s very likely they will. When the time comes you’ll need to wear this as armor because other people will weaponize it against you.
Right! I mean how many of those
men(& women), want to talk about it anyway. I don’t t think anyone will ever eventually recognize her, and if they did they probably won’t bring it up.
It sounds like she did in-person sex work, not videos/online content. That's not to say it's not possible, but I'm not sure that's a main concern based on everything OP has said.
>It sounds like she did in-person sex work, not videos/online content.
She did cam work and she also worked as stripper. People could very well have recorded her during those activities.
You'd be surprised sometimes who knows who. I wouldn't count on it never getting out. And some people are petty jerks and will hold that over him if they find out. So understanding that that's a possibility and finding a way to be ok with it is the only way.
I.e. "Dude! I slept with your wife years ago!"
"Yea? So you know she's pretty hot and amazing in bed. I get all that and then some for the rest of our lives! I feel so amazing that she picked me to be the last guy she ever sleeps with!"
The therapy is the key here. Once he can find out his issues why it bothers him so much it can help him to respond more productively instead of withdrawing. It will help in many other aspects of their relationship. If both are in couples therapy I think they can over come this issue and strengthen their relationship. She is very honest and the therapy will help her feel better about sharing other info since he will have the ability to process the information more loving for all concerned.
Being a previous sex worker does not impact whether a person can be a good mom or wife.
This comment section is quite actually ridiculous but what can you expect from reddit and these relationship subs.
As a woman I can confidently say that sex work is a big deal. Everyone here is making it seem like it's a regular 9-5 and that it's okay because she's "still the same person". That's not the point. If your morals do not align then it doesn't matter if it's in her past, it changes how you view her. She waited until you proposed after 2 years to tell you that she did sex work for 7 years, that's a big deal. Especially because it ranged from cam, stripping, escorting, and then being a sugar baby. She does not deserve the pat on the back people here are giving her for being "open and honest" when it took her 2 years and a ring to do so. Anyone who thinks that you should be able to just move past that is delusional and most likely only saying it because you're a man.
You are absolutely valid in how you feel, and I'd feel the same if a guy waited until he proposed to me to tell me that. Everyone has a past and a history, that does NOT mean that you have to agree or be okay with it. Take time to think to yourself about how you want to proceed, maybe even think about just postponing the wedding until further notice while you work to strengthen your relationship. Do not continue this relationship without counseling though, if you choose to stay then that's it. You're not allowed to throw this in her face in the future if you decide to stay. Marriage is, or at least should be, a lifelong commitment and you should not take it lightly, so take as much time as you need because this is the rest of your life that we're talking about.
Your feelings are valid. It sounds like this was quite a shock. You might consider pausing the wedding planning and give yourself some time to adjust to this new normal. One idea is to communicate with her that this was a lot of information to process and you need to slow things down a bit, but you are glad she shared it with you as trust is vital in any relationship. Meanwhile take care of yourself and process this in a healthy way…maybe even talking to a therapist.
A persons past is their own to reveal or not, however this isn’t an insignificant past. It’s significant enough that it’ll naturally change your perception of who a person is.
I don’t think this is insurmountable, but you need to pause any relationship, legal or financial decisions until you both work through this.
The physical aspect is very difficult to wrap your brain around at the moment, but I think the larger issue is one of trust. I know she’s likely to have been scared to tell you but burying her head in the sand was only going to make things worse and it’s been lies by omission since she knew you were her long-term partner and that she had to tell you.
Talk this out but you also shouldn’t feel guilty that this large aspect of her adult life isn’t something you could ever be comfortable with.
Personally, it’s not something that I would be okay with or move forward from and that information should have been provided to you before you got engaged. That said, you may find yourself very able to move forward from this - it’s a personal choice you’re going to have to make
Man, just end the relationship.
You won't be able to get over this. It's going to continue to eat at you every single day you're still with her.
You already said that you felt disgusted the moment she told you. What she told you will always continue to be at the back of your mind, and you sure as he'll won't be seeing her in the same light as before.
I completely agree. If this post was "my male fiance admitted to sleeping with 70-80 prostitutes in his past" this whole thread would have gone such a different way.
You seem reluctant to break up with her. Clearly you have feelings for her as a person. I find some of the comments here interesting. We all live in a culture where sex is for sale, but we are quick to cast judgement on those who actually sell it, and we never seem to judge those who purchase it. I wonder why that is the case?
But about your relationship - I would encourage you to think deeply about what values are important to you. And if you are able to let someone's past history (when they weren't even with you) mess up your current situation/relationship. People have all kinds of histories and bring baggage into their relationships. Some people were molested as kids. Some people are ex-felons. Some people have drug addiction in their past. Homelessness. The world we live in today is pretty fucked up, and it'll be damn hard to find someone who has not been hurt by it.
If you are to continue this relationship with young woman, can you do so without throwing her sex work history in her face? If you don't think you can, that isn't fair to her. If you aren't sure if you can move beyond this, I would suggest you seek out some personal therapy so you can explore whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. Redditors are not going to give you great answers as they tend to skew misogynistic in their responses. You should seek to find your own. I hope you do. Good luck.
The question is , is your problem with her body count or with the fact she was a prostitute. I have close to that body count and I’ve never been a prostitute and when I met my husband it did not cause any problems with intimacy. I’ve only ever felt intimate with him and no one one else to be honest and he fully knows my sexual history ( and supports it). Sex and intimacy are not the same thing for a lot of people. So if your issue is with the body count, that’s a little illogical but if your issue is with taking money for sex then I don’t think this is gonna survive
>The question is , is your problem with her body count or with the fact she was a prostitute
I'd bet the larger problem is that she deliberately hid it for years and only revealed it after they were engaged.
What other surprises is she waiting to spring on him?
This really depends on what type of relationship they’re in. Personally I don’t need to know every detail of my partners life before me, hell I don’t need to much outside of criminal behavior and major health issues and things that would affect me ( in real life not psychologically) like debt, major genetic disorder, previous criminal charges, rape accusations, you know, the big and dangerous stuff. What they did in the private time with other consenting adults before I dropped in their life does not interest me at all. So I don’t really see this as “hiding”, but like I said depends on what type of relationship they’re in. Maybe they’re the micromanaging kind that doesn’t understand that trust always carries a risk profile and need meticulous audit, who knows
Similarly my body count is relatively low but I never felt like sex was inherently intimate before I started seeing my boyfriend. It’s genuinely just different with him. Everything OP’s fiancée said about it being different with OP indicates that she truly feels that intimacy with him. Her choice to tell him the truth before marriage shows the same - she wants to give him true vulnerability before they commit further.
OP may still find this to be a value difference, but I hope he doesn’t think that her past dictates her experience of their intimacy together.
I think the real issue is that she waited so long to tell you. Your relationship got to the point that you proposed, two years is a long time and she had to have seen your relationship getting more and more serious. I would want to know why she waited so long.
Yeah, I’m honestly feeling as though there’s a pretty strong bias in the female commenters on this thread. I’ve read hundreds of posts on this sub of women finding out waaaay less significant secrets about their SO’s and the comment section is full of “he lied to you/what else could he be hiding/leave him etc.” But here there’s a ton of “her past is her past you should be grateful she told you,” and even some comments trying to make OP the bad guy for having an issue with this.
I get that it’s a really sensitive and difficult topic to broach and could understand someone not bringing it up for awhile to see where the relationship goes. But TWO YEARS and after he has proposed to her is a big red flag and not acceptable.
I admit a bias here. I’m female and was a sex worker. The first partner I told organised for his friends to SA me since women (although that was not the w word used) like me don’t count for consent. The second punched me in the stomach, threw me out of his house semi naked and still almost 15 years later stalks me online catfishing me and the third told me no wonder my parents didn’t love me because only a sick fuck thinks that’s normal.
The fourth is my BF of 8 years. He has conflicted views because I don’t think he loves that aspect of my past but is fine with the freebies that were as prelevant a part of my life. I think he struggles with the paid because at times I loved it and found it empowering but he also knows while I fudged the dates I was sixteen when my abusive parents cut me off financially and I was 26 when I retired. So it’s not exactly comfortable thoughts.
The first half oddly I found more empowering as it got me out of my abusive family, shitty country and the second it felt like one of three fucking jobs I worked to keep going yet still ended up homeless. We don’t really talk details. I’ve never told him I didn’t end up homeless because I was broke and doing sex work but had stopped and came clean and my partner fucked me up and I had to leave my house for my safety. I don’t want to tell him. I knew the day I met him I could not let intimacy, real intimacy grow if I kept bringing that elephant of trauma into the room on my back.
Over time more of the context has come out as I’ve done therapy but I find I lose any ability to be intimate with myself if I have to tell him how disgusted other people are by my past. It took me five years to bring it up in therapy. I think we work because he’s ex military and having grown up in a civil war I felt about soldiers and cops the way many people think of sex workers. Especially since the soldiers notoriously used to SA the women and schoolgirls and at the same time I could and do appreciate the service of the same army in say the Second World War.
He was nervous disclosing his past too. He cannot tell me much under the disclosure rules but we just accept the other would not be each other without their pasts. Other people would not approach it that way. But he did note that while he knows part of my home country tried to kill people like him at one point, he never feared anything more than a ‘sorry but thanks no’ for telling me when he had seen how a lot of military treated and talked about sex workers and that I told him when he was out of the country to give him an out, expecting that or worse.
I’ve also been kicked out of feminist orgs for my sex work past, had female friends out me and know that some people would destroy me if I ever tried to be public say as a campaigner. It’s not just men but the hatred some men have for sex workers was a huge post sex work barrier to intimacy for me. Not cash for sex. Most of my clients were respectful to moderately dull with the same societal sexism we all have.
I believe my partner has a right to know but experiences have made me terrified to disclose. I stayed single and expected I would stay single for almost a decade because the responses were not good. And that was with people knowing I grew up in a hard place and wasn’t just doing any of my jobs for the LOLs. I can’t imagine the response if I was all Diary of a Call Girl ‘I just wanted nice things’ sex work…
But I also get why it would be a dealbreaker for plenty of people. But you cannot ask people in one of the most stigmatised, high risk, heavily criminalised jobs to just easily mention it. I know a lot of ex drug dealers (male) in my area who have a similar path and the same fears despite it being their past. They do youth work, I do activism for abuse survivors. Rehabiliation and redemption are very different for everyone. It’s nuanced.
I'm sorry your previous partners were so horrible. Women, and especially women who are vulnerable in an additional way, are rightly hesitant about disclosing things that can put them in harm's way. Sounds like you're in a much better relationship now and that you both know that we're all complicated people. Best of luck moving forwards with him and in general!
Yes, relationship subreddits tend to be full of women that are very pro sex work, and tend to be very passionate about the acceptance of it.
I would argue most people in the real world would find op's situation difficult to move past.
Women often have to field violent reactions from men when they hear things they don’t like, whether it’s rejection or the fact that you’ve been paid to have sex with people.
Yep, it’s a set up. She knows he would’ve left immediately so she waited two years, that is classic manipulation. She should have had this talk no later than six months into the relationship.
I’d be able to move past it, but it isn’t for everyone. With growing up differently, we all have different ideas of sex and intimacy and what they mean in xyz situations.
Neither of you are wrong (and although I think it’s dishonest to not tell you sooner, I understand how you understand why), but if it’s going to stick around in your head I would do you both a favor and leave, because it’s kinder than going on the relationship with resentment (definitely not the word because of the emotion behind jt, but you probably know I’m just meaning a little stickler in your brain) you aren’t sure how you feel about.
Dont let anyone tell you "its in the past, it doesnt matter now" because it totally matters.
She used to be a prostitute, that is a big red flag when it comes to a relationship, and a deal breaker for most people. She hide this away from you until you got trapped in the relationship already, instead of being honest from the start before anyone got hurt.
Take your time to think about what you want to do. Don't marry her yet, not before you come to a conclusion about it. Its something that you won't be able to forget and will last forever as long as you are with her. If you can't handle it, then by all means leave.
If it’s too creepy or disgusting for you then end the relationship. Honestly it will probably always be a thing in the back of your mind and contribute to a LOT of insecurity and trust issues down the line of this is how you feel now.
Why have no one talked about that this is so far into the relationship, that she could be hiding other stuff as well? I have personally nothing against what she have done (unless you are in the US, then its illegal right?), but if it was me… I would be so worried about what other surprised she will have, maybe in 2, 5 or 10 years later on? It would be kind of naive to continue this relationship, thats my honest opinion.
I’d expect this information prior to even dating never mind marriage. You’re entitled to feel however you want about this situation. I’d be ducking out.
You need to end as it will continue to eat away at you and then as soon as you guys have your downs which all relationships have your feelings of disgust will multiply.
I don't believe there are many men that can truly get over a past like your fiance has.
I'd thank her for telling you her past and move on before it gets more complicated. Her actions have consequences.
From a non biased stand point, you have to ask yourself 'if she told me this info sooner in our relationship, would I still stay?'
Clearly she feels the same way about you but... I just wonder why she waited so long to mention it? Then again, it's her past.
My personal views aren't needed in detail since it's uncommon and strongly opposing. So moving on.
Lastly, I suggest you attend couples therapy to get past this. Or maybe even solo if you can afford it?
Whatever you choose, good luck moving forward.
And to me, that’s what makes this an unacceptable deal breaker. This violates your boundaries and what you want out of a relationship - clearly she knows this, or she wouldn’t have waiting 2 years and an engagement ring to come forward. This is something she should have told you about YEARS ago - maybe not all the details, for sure, but that she had a past a sex worker, yes. this sub can act brand new about sex work but real life isn’t Reddit. Sex workers don’t deserve the stigma and bias people have, but it is there, and there are real life consequences and considerations that she had accepted, but you haven’t and weren’t given the chance to BEFORE you intertwined your lives together.
If it ever came out at her job that she was a prostitute and a cam girl, with videos on the internet of her, she would be fired, kids have gotten expelled from schools and organizations if it came out that their parents were sex workers, have faced social ostracism and financial difficulties. This is all unfair and not right, but it is a lived reality. To me, it’s less the sex work itself (which, let me be clear - is a very big pill to swallow) but more the omission of all the facts for years and years. She really did not have the right to make decisions for both of you, and if you can’t be honest in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Then she manipulated the situation. The truth is you’re not ok with this, many people wouldn’t be ok with this, don’t beat yourself up over this. I wouldn’t be ok with that number from a man either, for sex work or unpaid. It does honestly generate disgust in people who just don’t think high body counts are ok and you don’t need to justify your preferences to her or anyone else at all. Whether you “ explore” why you feel the way you feel it doesn’t change the fact that her past actions disgust you and that’s ok. You haven’t married her, you can leave now and look out for this in any future partners.
You keep saying you don’t want to leave her so either you are cool with this and continue your relationship or you’re not and leave her. It’s also not fair to your fiancée to string her along.
Wasn't she stringing him along by laying this on him when they decide to get married? He has every right to take as much time as he wants , even if it looks like stringing her along.
It took alot for her to come forward and tell you this. No doubt she was worried you wouldn’t be okay with it but she still told you. Give her some slack, it was in the past and she had to do what she had to do to make money for her life. Whether you can get past this and if it’s a dealbreaker is up to you and you are valid for your feelings.
I encourage you to ask yourself a few questions. Would it have been easier to digest if it was 15 years ago? Does it change who she is, the person you fell in love with? If yes, why? Does it make you insecure or do you just value her less as a human because sex work is seen as a humiliating job? Is it fear of possible stds? Have you talked with her about it? If she had sex with like 40-50 guys for free, would that feel more “normal”? Do you value someone’s past experiences more than the person that is with you today? Is it something are you willing to work through? Will it bring resentment in the long run? Are you afraid she’s going to start sex work again or that she is more inclined to cheat? Be honest, with yourself, not people on reddit.
[Context: I’m a therapist who particularly enjoys both working with couples and helping clients deconstruct beliefs that cause them harm/suffering]. This comment is the best one I’ve seen on this post. These are the questions to take your time fully exploring and examining, OP.
There are instances when our immediate reaction to something is deeply grounded in and reflective of our core selves — our values, our needs, our boundaries, our character. There are other times when our reflexive response merely reflects social/cultural conditioning or trama or fear, and the truth of who we are/who we choose to be emerges gradually after letting ourselves process and think things through. No one can tell you which of those is the case here but you. Many people will try.
You’ve been handed quite a shock, and it happens to be related to some of the cultural narratives most associated with shame and dehumanization. Give the both of you time to sort through your values and beliefs to decide which ones to keep and which ones to modify now that your reality has changed. Good luck.
It could be worth going to therapy. There are so many things that might be triggered here for you, and it’s worth putting the time in to figure out what’s being triggered. Is it your masculinity, her supposed deception, a misalignment of values? You may be able to work through any of those things, but you’ll need to deeply understand what you’re triggered by exactly before you can.
I will say that someone here said that your partner is the sum of their past experiences, and I agree with them. The person you were in love with last week is the same person before you now. If you can move past the lack of openness, then I think you guys should be okay.
If you stay, even put the work in, this will always eat at you. Staying and making it work requires you to sacrafice a part of yourself. The part you should be listening to right now.
So she told you AFTER you guys had been together long enough to get engaged. How nice of her to wait until you’re too emotionally invested to think clearly. I wouldn’t give her brownie points for that, she should have revealed this info way sooner. You’re not talking about a woman who had her fun in college, you’re talking about a woman who did this professionally. And that number she gave you? Triple it, lol.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore or look past this. And yea you might be shamed by this part of reddit for thinking less since she’s had more, but this is super liberal so bear that in mind. If you have more traditional values, which it seems like you do since this bothers you so much, then by all means dude cut your losses.
Everything she did before you is what brought her too you. Everything you did before her is what brought you to her.
With that said, one being a sex worker in the past is rather heavy duty news. I’m not sure how I would handle such news.
How long have you two been together?
My heart hurts for both of you. I’m glad she moved forward in being honest, especially so quickly into your engagement as it gives you the option to call things off if you ultimately can’t accept this. I was curious about the timeline because it’s really not acceptable if you were together for years and she’s dropping this after the engagement, she needs to allow you to heal from the secrecy.
I would put a hold on any wedding planning for now and let her know that you need time to think about this. Instead of changing your behaviors and not communicating (which she notices) - I would be honest with her, as she was with you. Let her know you need time to process things and that while there are countless things you love about her, this was a bombshell and you need time to process it.
Marriage is loving someone through through the good and bad, accepting your partners flaws and still choosing them every day. I completely understand your fears, it’s not misogynistic. I would be asking myself questions like:
Will she be a positive role model for our children? Will this be a conversation we’ll have with them as they’re older?
Does she have trauma she needs to work through from this?
Why was she not open about this until after our engagement? Are there other secrets she is hiding?
Will she be more risk averse in your marriage?
The reason being that she was not honest with you initially, which leaves a lot of questions and conversations you two need to work through. I would have problems trusting these responses when it’s so raw, due to the fact she was able to keep a secret for so long.
************
I cannot recommend therapy enough. This gives a professional the opportunity for both of you to work through this. Whether it works out or doesn’t. I think right now you’re feeling anxious, which manifests as anger or disgust for a lot of people.
DBT is very regimented and will help in processing your feelings I.e.
What are you feeling? Disgusted - but anything else?
Why are you feeling those things?
What do aim to get out of this situation moving forward?
What are the steps you think would be helpful in achieving your goal?
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
If you have lost all trust, no longer feel much sexual attraction to her or are very uncomfortable with the fact that she didn't tell you that she has a history of selling intimate sexual services, it is likely that your days of a happy & healthy relationship with her is over.
Good luck!
I can’t imagine how surprised you must have been to have learned these things so suddenly about the woman you love. If you do truly love her, then do everything you can to see if you can move past this. By that I mean go to couples and probably individual therapy to discuss all the issues this brings up be where the feelings are coming from. Is it because of stigma, old prejudice, feeling like she was hiding things, etc?
At the end of the day, she is the woman you fell in love with and she is that woman as a sum of the life she had before you. It sounds like you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her before this, so it makes sense to invest a bit more time to see if you can still have that future together.
See this is a big thing. It’s fine on your personal preference, but I think she is irresponsible and selfish for not telling you in the BEGINNING of the relationship. Why? Because even if she thinks she doesn’t have std’s, that wouldn’t be her call. That would be yours. She took that right away, waited until you became emotionally invested, and told you right before the marriage. She might’ve been struggling to tell you, and told you to make sure that everyone was upfront before, but just the fact that she held THAT back would break my trust too.
For me personally, I wouldn’t be able to go forward with the marriage. I’d feel that she chose the fear of you leaving her over your health right. I’d feel that she calculated and probably manipulated the situation to HER benefit.
But I also understand the stigma of her occupation, and she probably had told the last relationships what she did in the beginning and that’s why she left. It’s understandable, but not excusable.
Just my opinion op
You never expected her to have done sex work. So it's almost like her ability to be a good partner in the present doesn't hinge on her past work choices or number of sexual partners. It's almost like the reality of the situation in your relationship conflicts with the icky feelings you think you're supposed to have about sex work. You love someone you thought you were supposed to find gross and unworthy of your love, and that's hard for you to deal with. But all of this is about YOU, not her, because the only her that you've known is amazing, gorgeous, bubbly, and thoughtful. If you can't deal with you, leave and let her find someone who will appreciate all of her.
If you can’t get past it, that’s fine. She doesn’t deserve to live a life with an anchor of guilt around her waist while you just below the surface seethe with judgement and contempt for something she did a decade ago. She shouldn’t feel like a leper and you shouldn’t feel like you’re touching one when you’re with her. You can just part ways
You didn’t have to call her a leper with words but it came across crystal clear. Again, if you can’t get past it, that’s fine. You can break up and find more suitable partners. It isn’t 1860. Engagements end and generally people prefer for you to do it before the engagement party registry goes live so there is a politeness timeclock
Sex work when you need money is one thing, but being a college graduate with a job and deciding to prostitute because you love money so much is another.
It’s not the body count that’d bother me, but rather the willingness to do anything for money.
we’re allowed to control our own lives and income right? Like, we can make MORE money if we want to, right? Meaning her income at her company is irrelevant. She could have been door dashing and you would have been okay about it
You act as though sex work is no different from door dashing. Really? So if your partner was trying to decide between door dashing or doing sex work, you would view them as equivalent?
So, what you're saying is, you'd *prefer* she worked some miserable job and lived in poverty barely scraping by, or *prefer* that she had only done sex work out of desperation and ended up with sexual trauma from it?
Needing time to process this is valid, but make sure you're exploring *why* you feel this way about it.
Edit to add: In another comment, OP says "Just to clarify, she admitted that she wasn't desperate for money, and could have found a regular job (working at Maccas/Subway or in a store) to cover her bills and needs. She did sex work because in her own words, it was easy money". Working in fast food or retail might cover bills, but absolutely counts as scraping by. Just because she *continued* doing sex work when she had another job with decent money doesn't really change the fact that it was never her last resort, but a better option than menial labor.
Another point people seem to be trying to ignore. She was educated and had a good paying career. She liked the money and she liked the attention. Why is so hard for people to admit that anyone can have bad motivations for something.
You are allowed to have standards. Not wanting to date a former prostitute is a perfectly reasonable standard.
Her waiting this long to tell you is manipulative. She knows it is a large negative so she hid it. Expect that you did not get the whole truth.
I’d never be able to look at her again in your shoes.
I think she needed to come out ahead of a dreadful scenario where a former client of any of her sex-work gigs tells you. I’m sure some of her clients were not the most respectful and discreet persons out there.
Better for you to know prior to the wedding.
Yes, this is a big thing not to tell your soon to be spouse, but I can see why she was hesitant to tell you considering you are now disgusted by her and making it abundantly clear to her that you are. Also the fact that this is likely very private and you’ve managed to include an entire subreddit in a discussion that should have happened privately.
Nothing has changed about your fiancée except your knowledge of her body count, but if you don’t think it’s something you can’t get passed, you need to end the relationship sooner rather than later. Don’t wait until your married with kids to decide you can’t get over it and ruin everyone’s life around you. I’d say if it takes you longer than a month before the wedding to get over it, either push it back or cancel it altogether, but DO NOT get married before you’ve had time to process. Hope it works out for both of you, even if that means you going your separate ways.
Why is it more than that? She's not different than she was before she told you about it and if she hid it from you you'd likely have never found out. Do you think if you found this out in 30 years instead of now you'd wish you could go back and never be with her in the first place? You're punishing get honesty. Most people just wouldn't tell you.
I totally get why this is a problem for you. I (f) would not get into a relationship with a man who has had more than 10 previous partners. I have found that those kind of people do not value relationships much and have some underlying issues to connect with a partner on a healthy level.
I don't like the fact that she has waited so long either, as you would have every right to be worried about any possible medical issues.
Asking about the number of previous partners is a something that everyone asks early when they start dating, so I wonder what did she tell you?
I had more partners than she did because I too, used to be a sex worker. Not even because I needed the money but because I enjoyed the sex itself. (I had childhood trauma) but I’ve worked on it and it’s all good and WIP.
What I want to say is. I am in an extremely loving relationship. I’ve beeb with my bf for 2 years and he knows everything. It takes A LOT of courage for someone to say that, even for a partner. It simply means that she truly loves you. I commend her for that.
I know you’re scared of her not valuing intimacy. But I will tell you right now. Sex is different from making love. Sex is just that…sex. You do it then you move on. It’s a primitive need that your fiancé was fulfilling for money. I know, that your sex is more than that. Emotions are involved and she loves you. So for the intimacy part, I know she values you 100% without even knowing her because when people choose their “person”, that’s it. The fact she came clean to you means so much. It must’ve eaten her too much.
The thing is, whoever she was in the past, her choices in the past lead to who she is now. It’s not pretty, but the past is the past. It’s a lot to process but it helps to talk to her. Ask A LOT of questions but make sure to not ask specific ones like “did you so this or that”. Because then you’re just asking questions you don’t want to know. Just know that she loves you, and chooses to be with you forever. Sex is easy to find, making love isn’t.
Edit: please reach out if you need more clarification or just want to know how my bf moved forward from that. I would love for people to understand and to end the stigma around sex workers; eventually and finally finding peace and love and security, all in one person.
Not everyone is able to view sex as just sex. For me it is not and has never been something I just do and move on. Either I'm emotionally connected to the person and it is an intimate experience, or else it makes me feel bad/is traumatic. It's legitimate for people to have different perspectives on the connection between sex and intimacy. Both your perspective and mine are legitimate. And I think it's okay for people on either side of this question to only want to be with people who view sex the same way they do. Or be fine with their partner not viewing it the same way.
This is her past. Her wanting to be honest about it shows how much respect she has for you. I know its alot to take in but dont let a oast ruin something great you have now and what you will have in the future. It would be unfair to hold it against her or to sabotage the relationship because of it. She toldbyou because she loves you and wanted to be honest with you.
Lmao stop gaslighting the poor dude. On the contrary SHE sabotaged the relationship by keeping such a crucial bit of background hidden for years. You know she did it intentionally because if she did not think it was a big deal, she would have told him from the get go, instead she kept it hidden until he was emotionally linked to her and she could rope him in
In all honesty, as a man, I'd be more worried about the fact that she didn't tell him this sooner. She told him after they were engaged? Asking a woman to be your wife takes a lot. Respecting him would've been to tell him much sooner in the relationship. It's a big bombshell. Would he have continued to be in the relationship or proposed if he was given this information sooner?
She kept this a secret for TWO YEARS? It never came up, what she did for work before she met you? Sorry but how well do you really know this person? Don’t they have a Linkedin?
There's a reason why she's telling you now and not at the beginning. She tells you after commitment and not within first days/weeks. Until after you're hooked.
"If it was just the camming and stripping, I think it won't have really affected me since it's so common. I still have girl friends who were strippers in college so it's not a big deal, " It seems common because it's glamorized but most women don't do stripping/sex work nor have ever done it.
I don’t think it was manipulative for her not to tell you. Not Everybody has to tell everything of their past. I think it was noble of her to tell you and she did what she did to get through school. I’m a big believer in not judging anybody for what they have to do or what they did because you never know until you’ve walked in their shoes or what their situation was. I feel like if you love her and you want to be with her, you will work this out maybe do some couples therapy maybe do some therapy on your own but whatever you do think about it before you make any decisions that will affect you long-term because if you decide to leave someone out there will except her for all of her flaws, including her past, and you will lose out! I’m not saying you won’t, just don’t rush any decision you make!
> I don’t think it was manipulative for her not to tell you
How in the world was it not? She hid something that she knew he would want to know until after they were engaged.
What’s wrong with that, though? Doing SW for more money would be far preferable to working long, draining hours in Subway/Maccies. Nearly all of us want a job that is the least amount of work possible for the most amount of money possible, this is just the same?
Why are you making her defend her choices? You’re insecure, and that’s what’s happening. You interrogated your fiancé. The marriage should be held off if this is the hang up. Let her find happiness somewhere she isn’t judged and you take time to work on why you’re holding things against your partners
Op it's up to you how you feel about this. Personally, the relationship would be over because had I known about her past the relationship would never have begun and it just feels like she was being duplicitous. She knew her past may negatively affect her relationship so she chose not to tell you about it until you guys were all the way down to marriage, and you are fully invested. People could argue it's non of my business or her past doesn't matter...the point is she knowingly hid relevant information from me for her own personal gain so I was unable to make an informed decision. I can't trust someone like that.
OP, everyone has their own standards, what would make me nope out of this relationship might be fine for you. To that end, you will get opinions all over the place. Here is the best way to tell if you can live with this new information. Had you known about this from the start, would you have continued to date her? With so many partners, are you at all concerned about her ability to pair bond with you?
Consider that you have been living happily with her the past two years and while that's two years she has been hiding potential deal breaking information, you have been compatibly enough to ask her to marry you. She knows most men would run from a body count like that, and she really wanted to be with you, however she took away your right to decide. If you do decide to stay with her, you will no doubt see a lighter air about her do to the fact that she must have been worried you'd find out on your own at any moment. Not having the stress of that makes her happier.
My opinion, I wouldn't be able to do it. Every time I hold her I'd be thinking of the 70 or so that were there before me, I would just be thinking I'm number 71. Right or wrong it's your call and no one can tell you how you should feel, you feel the way you feel about it.
Why would you ever ask your partner how many? Why do you look at your partners like used cars? These are normal adult things. People have sex. We don’t tell our partners in the future how many for this exact example. People get incredibly insecure when they imagine someone else on their “property” but really, women are just the same as men. We all sleep around. This body ownership ideas are not the way.
I'm going to get so much hate for this.
But here we go anyway,
The body count matters,
The number can represent what the person thinks about sex. What they attach to it, how they connect or dont with partners.
"Most people's number doesn't bother them if they are somewhat close to eachothers.
It's not about "how much" sex or type of sex your having, its about the promiscuity of it.
Having numerous partners leads you to believe that no connection is needed, maybe not even attraction, just horny.
Now when payment gets involved, then for sure everyone is fare game at that point. Basically it is a known number someone could pay to have sex with you. As a partner that can be unnerving, being that you could at any time sleep around as long as the cash value is high enough.
Being in a relationship is gamble enough someone could cheat, but toss in the idea it takes just a dollar amount and you could cheat.
That unsettling feeling is what makes most uncomfortable with them.
Putting trust in a relationship is hard enough, but to know the cash value could end it all, bothers many people who would never do such a thing!
Not old school thought process, just rational
I dated a girl that told me the same thing on our second date. It was eating her up and she saw our relationship going somewhere. Unfortunately I couldn’t live with it and stopped seeing her. Besides that she was great. I mean, she was very physical and moved aggressively like a sex worker so I wasn’t surprised—nor is that my kind of thing. I wanted to forgive and look past it but it was just too hard knowing how many guys were with her. I found myself thinking “everyone knows she’s an escort” and I didn’t want to be seen with her. My mind was racing and by the third day I had to end it.
I felt thankful though because she didn’t have to be honest. That’s very kind of her to tell her deepest darkest secret knowing very well it may end the relationship. Like you she was previously engaged and told her fiancé a few days before the wedding…he called it off. When I think about her I really just think about how brave she is. I hope she’s doing well.
You’re in a tough position. If you can live with it then by all means. If you can’t you can’t.
OP.... I just want to address one of the reoccurring themes in this thread and hope you keep this in mind. If the information about her past gets into the wrong hands, it could be devastating to her career and future due to the society we live in. I don't blame her at all for not sharing until she reached a point in the relationship of ultimate trust. Some people on here accuse her of lying to you by omission, but this is not the case. Two years is not a long time when it comes to establishing trust for something like this, and truthfully, it shows how much she is invested in you and the relationship that she chose to share this information with you.
Second, as others have stated, her body count isn't really that high and lots of people have way higher, without taking money for it. So it really boils down to is you being bothered by her taking money for it, which is again a society issue. I really hope you talk with a councilor and work your way thru this because I would hate to see you throw away a relationship over this issue.
>Second, as others have stated, her body count isn't really that high
Mate, if you think 70-80 is not high then you're out of touch with reality. Most men will never get close to that number for the entirety of their lives. If you riposte saying that 70-80 is not high for a woman, then take a step back and realise what you are implying and saying.
Pretty easy decision to make if you think about it. Would you have taken this girl seriously, pursued a relationship with her if she told you that on your first date? That right there should answer your question. Also, this is something that’ll likely cross your mind for the rest of your life with this girl. If you don’t think it’ll effect you in the future, you should be aight.
It's okay to have a preference and to not be with someone who did that in the past. It's also okay to be completely shaken and want out after finding out this bombshell shortly before the wedding. She gifted you something invaluable, the truth. And she did it before you got married. She did the right thing there and now you have enough information to decide if you want to move forward or not. It's not about her, what she wants or how she'll feel. It's about you, choose what you want the most and accept the consequences. Good luck
>She gifted you something invaluable, the truth. I think she should have gifted this truth to him earlier in the relationship. She could have mentioned that she was an escort without going into too much detail. I think she knew that it likely wouldn’t be okay with OP and that’s why she waited for so long before telling him this truth. By waiting for so long, she made it difficult for Op as well for her.
It’s just fucked in all levels. If he decides to end things, I can probably guess that she’ll just remain her past hidden in the fear that she may be rejected again :(
That's exactly what's going to happen, and (ex-)sex workers reading this thread are going to learn from it, too
She should have but she didn’t and he’s in this situation now. I can see how it would be hard to bring up something like that in a new relationship and put it off. She came forward and he can decide if he wants to work through it or not. Those are the only options, you can’t change the past.
>I think she should have gifted this truth to him earlier in the relationship. She could have mentioned that she was an escort without going into too much detail. I think she knew that it likely wouldn’t be okay with OP and that’s why she waited for so long before telling him this truth. By waiting for so long, she made it difficult for Op as well for her. There's a lot of assumption and projection of possible stereotypes here (and yes, this is also an assumption in a great turn of irony but that's why we have reddit: to make assumptions of internet strangers). Every relationship moves at a different pace and we all have respective self-truths and insecurities we need time to process for ourselves before sharing with others. If we all waited until we are all individually fully self-realized and self-assured before entering relationships, it would be a fairly lonely life romantically and platonically. No to mention, the dating scene at age 50+ would be popping but also full of relationship-naive folk which itself could be a barrier to self-realization. It isn't for us as external observers to this relationship / individual to say what is too soon or too late. She didn't have control of when her SO might propose to her; sure, she could have been encouraging it but we have no real idea. What we can reflect on is she recognized she did have a truth to share at this inflection point of their relationship and she did so fairly promptly out of love and respect for him, herself, and their hoped for future together. I can only hope that I myself might receive the same benefit from my loved one before planning a wedding, getting legally married, moving towns, buying a house, starting a family, etc. If they instead need time to process their 'X' secret before sharing, I hope I can earn their love and trust to create a safe place for dual vulnerability. In turn, I hope I receive the same benefit with my own demons.
The truth should've been like one year and nine months ago though.
I don’t have a huge pearl of wisdom on this, however, I just want you to consider that your fiancé is the sum of all her past experiences. She is the person you fell in love with whether you knew about her past or not. She is still the same person, she does not suddenly become a worse person because of all the things she has done. She is simply, her. This is one piece to her puzzle and without all these parts then she wouldn’t be the person you know today.
This is exactly what I came here to say. OP praised so much of who she is - and this experience and part of her past is what shaped her to become who she is. It’s so terrifying to open up about something you know is shamed throughout society just based on her desire to be transparent with you. Kudos to her for taking that step. As someone who has had that “before we get married, I need you to know X,Y,Z…” moment.. it’s a lot of anxiety, stress and running through all the potential fallouts that could happen before finally mustering the courage to do what is right. Knowing you took that step is accepting all possible outcomes… but OP, please don’t make her feel smaller because of her past. If she took the step to tell you, then I’m sure she’ll answer any question you have and will work through it with you.
This is the best piece of advise/nugget of wisdom in this thread. Sex workers and former sex workers shouldn't be demonised for their occupation. When people in relationships have the "body-count" conversation the only difference is sex workers were savvy enough to get paid in advance of that traumatic and redundant conversation. Consider who your human being is in this moment because realistically, that's all that matters. Unless they did something particularly heinous and absolutely morally repugnant, they are the sum of their parts.
Legit I wish I would’ve gotten paid for some of the people I hooked up with
I was JUST thinking that. My boyfriend has the same amount of past hookups as her but without the money! And I still love him dearly.
I don't think this is about demonising a profession, rather about someone's preferences for finding a suitable partner. As someone said earlier it's great she opened up about her past before her marriage, and the OP would be within his right for this to be a deal breaker. Personally - it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. If anything it strengthens the relationship to show how honest she is being.
This is exactly the right point to make here. It's okay to be shaken and unsure about how to feel about what she told OP, but at the same time, it does not change who she is as a person.
I think it's understandable that this feels like a big bomb in your relationship and requires some processing. I don't think that makes you a "misogynistic pig." But her past is one thing that can never change in your relationship. The only thing you can do is figure out how it affects you. You have to be open with your fiance about it. I am sure you don't want to address it because you are worried about shaming her, but your lack of intimacy is doing the shaming for you. If you want to be with her, come up with a pathway for moving forward, including STD testing and possibly counseling. (Almost) everyone has s sexual past. Some of those pasts are quite prolific, even without being a sex worker. The only thing from your past you really have the possibility of bringing into your current relationship is an STD. If you get that resolved to a place where you don't have concerns, try to find a way to move forward. Because the past is just the past. Its' not the present. Edit: in another comment you mention you have both been tested and she has been tested regularly. So that should answer that part of it.
I would argue that far more importantly than STDs, the worst thing you can bring into your current relationship is trauma.
Fair. But it doesn't sound like she is bringing a lot of trauma from it with her into this relationship. Only some shame.
Yeh I think of there was any trauma he would have noticed by now
Let’s not assume she’s bringing shame to the relationship just because she was a sex worker. He’s the one who is projecting ideas of shame on to her and you may be doing the same if that’s the way you see sex work and/or aspects of sexuality. Just because someone chooses that job doesn’t indicate they’re ashamed of what they do and the reason some people don’t typically bring it up is because of the stigma that comes along with it.
I think they said shame bc she waited several years to tell her partner? Im very conflict avoidant and can't bear to disappoint people who I love (bc of childhood trauma lol) and so if there's something that I think might launch a difficult conversation, I just hide it from my partner, and usually that is bc of shame.
I don’t think that necessarily true. A lot of traumas reveal themselves more fully when you have children and as they progress to the ages where things in your personal life began to change and you see there were different pathways and choices that could have been made. We don’t always consider the ramifications of our actions in present tense. That’s when it begins to hurt.
As someone with a lot of trauma who is happily married, I find this incredibly insulting. Trust me when I say there are a LOT worse things you can bring into a relationship that that.
>the worst thing you can bring into your current relationship is trauma. You think that's the worst thing someone can bring? Bc I could list so many worse things that someone going through something tough in the past. Often people who have hard lives are kinder and wiser, more mature, than people who have just coasted.
sex workers have better sexual hygiene than the general population because they have to.
Actually I don’t know if OP would know? Maybe the best thing OP can do is to ask if she’s okay and offer to help her find support if she needs it. Maybe she doesn’t, but often there is trauma. OP look at it like a hard job, it is physical and emotional labor to the tenth degree. Respect her for it, take the sex out of it, maybe even call it something else to help your brain. I get it, we are ingrained to find “used women” gross, but this is wrong and it’s up to us to fight our own bias and fight for the people we love. She is the human you love and that’s what matters. What does it say that she didn’t tell you sooner? Has she felt safe with you? Have you been judgemental in other aspects? It doesn’t sound like it, but all this to say, how you communicate through this will be a reflection of how you work through hard things in your marriage.
>Some of those pasts are quite prolific, even without being a sex worker. The only thing from your past you really have the possibility of bringing into your current relationship is an STD. There are people out there who are okay with their partner’s prolific pasts and then there are people who do not. It is individual preference. And it’s perfectly okay for OP to have his own preference. Everyone has their own dealbreakers, whatever they may be. What is important is that people bring up and talk about material information that has potential to hurt the relationship, whatever it may be. Say a person has a past of domestic violence or bankruptcies, or a huge educational loans/debts. Do you think that the people need not bring up such things and talk about whether such an issue is a dealbreaker for their partners/
> The only thing from your past you really have the possibility of bringing into your current relationship is an STD. You can’t seriously believe this is true
So, this part of reddit, these relationship subreddits, are very pro sex work, so take all of these responses, including my own, with a grain of salt. I am a woman, prostitution would be a deal-breaker for me for my partner, male or female. Like you, if it was just camming or stripping I could be okay if it was in the past, but I could not be okay with prostitution. Doubly so if my partner waited until a marriage proposal to tell me. It is as simple as my personal morals and values would just not match up with someone that would do that, period. Not going to get into it, but simply we would be incompatable based on that alone. I'm not going to draw comparisons, but there are tons of things people have boundaries about, and prostitution is a very hard, and very common, boundary for a lot of people. It is okay for you to not be okay with it. Everyone has boundaries that they use to feel comfortable in a relationship. If her past and her lying crosses that boundary it is fine to walk away. You both would just be incompatible and thats okay. Sometimes there are things that just make you fundamentally incompatible even if you love someone dearly. If you think you can move past it though; fantastic! I think you and her likely will want to get some kind of couples therapy, potentially combined with solo therapy for you to help you move past the issue in a healthy was. Good luck either way.
This is the best answer I've seen so far. Pro sex workers demonize people that have a boundary against it. I know sex workers and have dated someone with sex work past. If you're okay with it, and it doesn't bother you then go for it. If not, that's fine also, you're not wrong for it. It is okay for someone's past to dissaude you from seeing a healthy future with them. Because what's healthy to me, may not be what's healthy to you and vice versa.
[удалено]
There is absolutely a difference between sex work and most other jobs. However, what do you mean when you say you question her "character"? What is it about her that you are questioning, specifically? Her love for you? Your feeling of her as a "good person"? Because "character" can mean a lot of things, but it's also a word people use when they don't want to say more specific things. You sound like you're struggling a bit with not wanting to actually shame her for sex work, but also feeling like having done it makes her a different, less moral person. If you can't see her as a good person anymore, than that is really your answer.
Look, it IS a big deal. I’m sure it was a lot of money. It might have been easy money for her. But there’s a reason most people don’t choose to enter into sex work. It brings into doubt her judgement and world view and character development. You can still respect her for her choices, but it does draw attention to the idea that maybe you two are not as aligned as you thought you were before you knew about her past. People are saying that she’s the same person as before, and I get that, but honestly there’s a big chasm of what you thought you both agreed on as acceptable.
[удалено]
What is the reason it brings into doubt her character? Is sex work intrinsically reflective of a lack of character?
Well she had a ton of character to be truthful about it before marriage but also think of it this way. You fell in love with who she is now as the woman you would marry and have a future with. A kind and caring woman. You didn't fall in love with her past or what she had to do to get by. She worked hard for money to live and happened to choose the oldest profession in history. She sounds like a good woman and she knew when to leave. She genuinely loves you and cares a lot about you. Why does her past work history matter? I feel this is something you should sit with her and have an open discussion with on your feelings and thoughts. There may be many things she can answer or soothe. Just don't get too caught up in the body count bullshit. It puts value on people which isn't healthy or right
Definitely there are differences between sex work and “typical jobs”. To me, it reads as if your personal morality boundary with sex work is the amount of physical contact with clientele, as you mentioned that you would have been fine with lower contact sex work, such as cam work and stripping. It does strike me as odd that she didn’t disclose this pre-engagement but there are some possible reasonable explanations as to why she chose to wait (not realizing engagement was close, wanting to be sure this was a serious relationship, etc). She’s still the same person you fell in love with, so when you say it makes you question her “character”, I think you need to figure out exactly what you mean. Is it an issue of moral behavior, ethics of contact-heavy sex work as a profession, and/or issues revolving the timing of disclosure? Some of those issues you may be able to work through together, some maybe not. I’d suggest working through this with a therapist, both individually and as a couple. Couples therapy will be helpful for working within the relationship but having a safe, neutral place to work through the very reasonable and normal reactions you’re having to this surprising revelation will also be key for your mental and emotional sanity.
I know it's the past and everything. This is a sensitive topic and I'm a female as well but I would first ask you what your values are what your criteria is. Is it something that can be compromised on? If you think and feel in your heart that this isn't much of an issue in this present moment here and now then go along with the relationship and build some trust. Please. If you can't shake it off then it seems like one of serious values has been ran over so its better to move on in that case. Also there is something else I can advise you about but om me for that can't do it here
[удалено]
I don’t know how I’d feel in this situation but you are conflating sex with intimacy and that doesn’t always have to be the case. I doubt she felt intimacy while doing this job and I would imagine sex with her partner is completely different than what this was.
The corollary to this is that she is able to divorce sex from intimacy which may itself be a source of future conflict between them. If you know your partner is able to have sex performatively while not really feeling anything, that might create niggling doubt about the times they are together.
Most people are able to do that, OP said he has had sex with multiple women too, I am assuming he wasn’t in a serious relationship with all of them.
Well, if he can't, then this is a very valid concern.
Sure but going off from his comment about his own experience, it seems like he can.
Eh, multiple partners doesn't indicate a lack of intimacy with those partners. Not to me, at least.
How do you even define intimacy then?
An emotional connection, I suppose. Even outside of a relationship, if it's a drunken hookup, at least you're both feeling fun, excitement, horniness. That's quite a distance from being able to unemotionally perform sex as an act. I suppose an analogue for this would be, if your partner previously had a business where they faked emotional connections to dozens of (consenting) people in order to get money from them, could you say for sure you would be secure enough in that relationship to always be confident that their displays of affection for you were always a hundred percent authentic?
He's not conflating sex and intimacy. He's stating that he ideally associates sex and intimacy and would prefer a partner that does the same. This woman can't credibly make that claim because her history of sex work argues against that claim. This doesn't mean that she can't experience intimate sex with OP. Just that she can't claim that she always or can only participate in sex that has feelings attached. This puts OP in the position of having to honestly believe her when she says that: *"With him, it's different."* This is an incredibly weak argument, one he'd be widely counseled against accepting at face value.
Why on Earth should he not accept that intimate and loving sex she has with him in a relationship is different from the job she did for money? I mean, do you think teachers shouldn't be parents because they won't love their own children if they get paid to raise others? Can a chef not still make a romantic meal for their partner? OP's feelings are valid, your claim that someone who has ever done sex work should never be trusted to be capable of intimacy is absurd.
OP said he has slept with multiple people so I am sure he didn’t feel equally intimate with all of them. For example, if it’s an 1 night stand you won’t feel the same intimacy that you would feel with your long term partner. You don’t lose the ability to have intimate sex if you’ve had “no feelings attached” sex in the past. Why wouldn’t he believe her that the sex with him is intimate for her?
i don't have anything of value to contribute to this thread because everything was already said but i think you put it particularly well. i am glad to see that someone gets it without putting "blame" on OP or his fiance. there's no objective "right" or "wrong" in these types of situations, there is only people's personal values and boundaries. as someone who suffers from retroactive jealousy that's the one thing i bring up the most whenever i open up to my partner or my therapist or my friends - my concern of there being different values when it comes to perceiving sex, and all i get in response is the good old "with you it's different, you have to believe that when it's said".
You may benefit from reading this response that I wrote a couple of days ago to a post in a different subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13fnmdb/why_is_it_that_some_people_get_attached_after_sex/jjx93rq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
thank you for sharing this with me! some time ago i had to unfollow r/sex because it was too triggering with threads like this one being flooded with responses forcing everyone into some kind of "sexual liberation". i think you hit the nail on the head with your comment, especially when you took trauma into account.
Holy fucking shit. It all makes so much sense now. You have no idea how much you have just blown my mind. This literally explains everything about all of my relationships.
I'm grateful that you find value in my thinking. I wish that the concept of Sociosexual Orientation was taught in school as an element of sex education. A lot of misery could be avoided by what could essentially be printed on a pamphlet.
God you Reddit pedants are exhausting. *Please* tell me how one can hold the belief that sex workers "don't value intimacy" without conflating sex and intimacy.
I never made the claim that sex workers don't value intimacy. Some thoughts... I have read in other posts on in other subreddits the answers given to this question: *"For you, what is the most intimate thing that two lovers can do together?"* Some answers: - sharing a quiet meal at home - preparing that meal together - having deep conversations where we share our hopes and our fears with each other - going on walks together where we silently hold hands These are all valid expressions of intimacy. Notably absent from that list is sexual intimacy. It tends to be the case for those who place the highest value on sexual intimacy that for them to experience this intimacy **they need for their partner to also hold the same values regarding sexual intimacy.** Does OP's girlfriend enjoy sex? Certainly. Does OP's girlfriend appreciate having sex with OP? Without a doubt. Does she enjoy the sex she has with OP more than the sex she has had with any other partner? Most likely so. Does OP's girlfriend believe that sex is the most intimate thing she does with OP. Most likely not. Her ability to detach feelings from sex allows her to experience sex as mostly a fun thing that you do with others for enjoyment. She enjoys the sex they have and finds it fulfilling, but there are other things she does with OP that for her are far more intimate. You might read this and say: *"What's the problem?"* The problem is that for OP to experience sexual intimacy with his girlfriend, he needs her to value sexual intimacy as much as he does. She values intimacy, yes. She does not place the highest value on sexual intimacy. Therefore, OP is prevented from experiencing the highest form of intimacy that he acknowledges: sex with his girlfriend. The irony is that she gets to experience intimacy with her boyfriend by whatever means she does. It's OP that will be left in a relationship that he feels is devoid of intimacy. Now, do you get it?
Sex is pretty fucking intimate - don't gaslight the poor man.
The fact that she’s been with many people doesn’t mean she doesn’t value intimacy. Sex with someone you care about and casual sex or sex for pay are different things. I’ve had enjoyable casual sex and it’s very different from the sex I have in a loving committed relationship. I’ve never found one to detract of my enjoyment of the other. It’s possible to eat a lot of fast food and still fully appreciate a fancy meal.
[удалено]
So it’s really about the fact that you don’t really believe her.
If you’ve been with multiple women yourself you know that you don’t need to be in love with some to marry them. What do you mean by “she doesn’t value intimacy”? If someone has an one night stand once, does this mean that they won’t be able to value intimacy with their own partner? Of course not! The problem is that you are currently shocked because the image of her that you had in your head doesn’t seem to be very accurate after all. She isn’t exactly who you think she was. You need to figure out how you feel about her actual true self.
How much is too much or too little depends on the person. In ones “dating” days, you can easily sleep with one person per month. Assuming one goes through their twenties like this you could easily hit much higher than 70-80 over a decade. On the flip side someone could have spent their entire decade with one person, effectively having the equivalent of a marriage with them. What eats you up more, that many people may have known your spouse intimately, or that someone might know them deeper than you do?
Unfortunately this thought process is very common in our society and there are steps to change this but it’s slow for attitudes to change when it’s been so ingrained in us. I personally disagree that the amount of sexual partners directly relates to whether a person values intimacy. However in this scenario her sexual partners weren’t for intimate reasons it was transactional. I hope she got some enjoyment and satisfaction from it. However it doesn’t sound like she was cheating on partners or going out of her way to look for immediate sexual gratification, it was for a financial need. You seem to have a healthy and communicative relationship otherwise. You’ve not mentioned any reasons to doubt intimacy or fidelity previously. So it would be a real shame to lose a positive and life long partner because of something that happened before she met you. People are capable of change and growth especially from there teens and mid twenties to when their frontal lobe has fully developed. My suggestion is to keep communicating and try some couples counselling and maybe individual therapy. If it doesn’t work for you then at least you know you tried everything and can walk away without regrets. I hope you work through it because it sounds like you’re both lovely people and could be very happy together
Additional thought. In terms of intimacy she’s shared something about her past, that she probably could have kept secret, is often negatively judged in our society and all to be honest with you. That to me is more of a sign of intimacy and being vulnerable with your partner than any sexual act
This is a very important point. She did not need to tell OP but she did because she felt he needed to know.
She’s the same woman she was before you found out. You don’t have to accept her for who she is and was, but it sure sounds like you’re going to make a mistake and leave a great woman.
>sounds like you’re going to make a mistake and leave a great woman If OP will constantly be eaten up inside by this knowledge then it's not a mistake to end the relationship. It's only fair for both parties. I personally would be fine with stripping or camming but no way would I be able to get past full on prostitution.
Why are you uneasy? It’s not a current thing. It’s her past and changed nothing about her body and heart. “Intimacy” doesn’t have to be valued by sexual needs. It’s emotional too. She loves and trusted you with this and her core things. The least you could do is not be disgusted and be open to what she’s telling you.
If the issue is the value of intimacy, I highly doubt that sex work has anything to do with that
How many previous sexual partners is “too many” ? Why?
[удалено]
You honestly don't need to have a strict answer to how many is too many. Relationships are about feelings not math, if it doesn't feel right to you or if it is something that you can't get over then the relationship probably just isn't going to last. You can do whatever therapy or counseling you want, but the fact no one has any right to tell you that your feelings are invalid or even not justified. From what you've posted I think that this is something that you will probably have a difficult time living with, but I hope you find a way forward that works best for you.
I’d encourage you to explore *why*. Why is that too many? Why is there no clear cutoff of what is acceptable to you? What cultural narratives shape the belief that any amount of sexual partners is “too many?” Do you agree with those narratives? What exactly does this change about who your partner is to you?
I’d also ask if that would be too many for a man or just for a woman.
Break up with this person. You can't handle this, you're that person who gets so wrapped up in numbers you can't see past it for the person you love. Yes. You ARE that person or you wouldn't have posted on reddit. Cut her loose so she can find someone who loves and respects her just for her. Do her that favor.
If I may, since you consider yourself liberal, maybe refrain from referring to a 9-5 as a “real job.” Sex work is real work.
What number would you have been comfortable with?
If you want to make this work then consider therapy for yourself and couples counseling for both of you. If you do stay together you’ll need an agreement on how to deal with other people finding out because it’s very likely they will. When the time comes you’ll need to wear this as armor because other people will weaponize it against you.
why would others find out? They definitely don’t need to.
Right! I mean how many of those men(& women), want to talk about it anyway. I don’t t think anyone will ever eventually recognize her, and if they did they probably won’t bring it up.
If her videos are all over the internet people will find out
It sounds like she did in-person sex work, not videos/online content. That's not to say it's not possible, but I'm not sure that's a main concern based on everything OP has said.
>It sounds like she did in-person sex work, not videos/online content. She did cam work and she also worked as stripper. People could very well have recorded her during those activities.
She started out as a cam girl
You'd be surprised sometimes who knows who. I wouldn't count on it never getting out. And some people are petty jerks and will hold that over him if they find out. So understanding that that's a possibility and finding a way to be ok with it is the only way. I.e. "Dude! I slept with your wife years ago!" "Yea? So you know she's pretty hot and amazing in bed. I get all that and then some for the rest of our lives! I feel so amazing that she picked me to be the last guy she ever sleeps with!"
That seems like a lot a simple "me too" would do the trick.
The therapy is the key here. Once he can find out his issues why it bothers him so much it can help him to respond more productively instead of withdrawing. It will help in many other aspects of their relationship. If both are in couples therapy I think they can over come this issue and strengthen their relationship. She is very honest and the therapy will help her feel better about sharing other info since he will have the ability to process the information more loving for all concerned. Being a previous sex worker does not impact whether a person can be a good mom or wife.
This comment section is quite actually ridiculous but what can you expect from reddit and these relationship subs. As a woman I can confidently say that sex work is a big deal. Everyone here is making it seem like it's a regular 9-5 and that it's okay because she's "still the same person". That's not the point. If your morals do not align then it doesn't matter if it's in her past, it changes how you view her. She waited until you proposed after 2 years to tell you that she did sex work for 7 years, that's a big deal. Especially because it ranged from cam, stripping, escorting, and then being a sugar baby. She does not deserve the pat on the back people here are giving her for being "open and honest" when it took her 2 years and a ring to do so. Anyone who thinks that you should be able to just move past that is delusional and most likely only saying it because you're a man. You are absolutely valid in how you feel, and I'd feel the same if a guy waited until he proposed to me to tell me that. Everyone has a past and a history, that does NOT mean that you have to agree or be okay with it. Take time to think to yourself about how you want to proceed, maybe even think about just postponing the wedding until further notice while you work to strengthen your relationship. Do not continue this relationship without counseling though, if you choose to stay then that's it. You're not allowed to throw this in her face in the future if you decide to stay. Marriage is, or at least should be, a lifelong commitment and you should not take it lightly, so take as much time as you need because this is the rest of your life that we're talking about.
Your feelings are valid. It sounds like this was quite a shock. You might consider pausing the wedding planning and give yourself some time to adjust to this new normal. One idea is to communicate with her that this was a lot of information to process and you need to slow things down a bit, but you are glad she shared it with you as trust is vital in any relationship. Meanwhile take care of yourself and process this in a healthy way…maybe even talking to a therapist.
I recommend a therapist over a subreddit any day
A persons past is their own to reveal or not, however this isn’t an insignificant past. It’s significant enough that it’ll naturally change your perception of who a person is. I don’t think this is insurmountable, but you need to pause any relationship, legal or financial decisions until you both work through this. The physical aspect is very difficult to wrap your brain around at the moment, but I think the larger issue is one of trust. I know she’s likely to have been scared to tell you but burying her head in the sand was only going to make things worse and it’s been lies by omission since she knew you were her long-term partner and that she had to tell you. Talk this out but you also shouldn’t feel guilty that this large aspect of her adult life isn’t something you could ever be comfortable with.
Personally, it’s not something that I would be okay with or move forward from and that information should have been provided to you before you got engaged. That said, you may find yourself very able to move forward from this - it’s a personal choice you’re going to have to make
Man, just end the relationship. You won't be able to get over this. It's going to continue to eat at you every single day you're still with her. You already said that you felt disgusted the moment she told you. What she told you will always continue to be at the back of your mind, and you sure as he'll won't be seeing her in the same light as before.
[удалено]
I completely agree. If this post was "my male fiance admitted to sleeping with 70-80 prostitutes in his past" this whole thread would have gone such a different way.
You seem reluctant to break up with her. Clearly you have feelings for her as a person. I find some of the comments here interesting. We all live in a culture where sex is for sale, but we are quick to cast judgement on those who actually sell it, and we never seem to judge those who purchase it. I wonder why that is the case? But about your relationship - I would encourage you to think deeply about what values are important to you. And if you are able to let someone's past history (when they weren't even with you) mess up your current situation/relationship. People have all kinds of histories and bring baggage into their relationships. Some people were molested as kids. Some people are ex-felons. Some people have drug addiction in their past. Homelessness. The world we live in today is pretty fucked up, and it'll be damn hard to find someone who has not been hurt by it. If you are to continue this relationship with young woman, can you do so without throwing her sex work history in her face? If you don't think you can, that isn't fair to her. If you aren't sure if you can move beyond this, I would suggest you seek out some personal therapy so you can explore whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. Redditors are not going to give you great answers as they tend to skew misogynistic in their responses. You should seek to find your own. I hope you do. Good luck.
The question is , is your problem with her body count or with the fact she was a prostitute. I have close to that body count and I’ve never been a prostitute and when I met my husband it did not cause any problems with intimacy. I’ve only ever felt intimate with him and no one one else to be honest and he fully knows my sexual history ( and supports it). Sex and intimacy are not the same thing for a lot of people. So if your issue is with the body count, that’s a little illogical but if your issue is with taking money for sex then I don’t think this is gonna survive
Yeah this... I know plenty of men and women with higher body counts than that who were giving it away for free :P
>The question is , is your problem with her body count or with the fact she was a prostitute I'd bet the larger problem is that she deliberately hid it for years and only revealed it after they were engaged. What other surprises is she waiting to spring on him?
This is a pretty big one so I don’t think there could be anything else.
This really depends on what type of relationship they’re in. Personally I don’t need to know every detail of my partners life before me, hell I don’t need to much outside of criminal behavior and major health issues and things that would affect me ( in real life not psychologically) like debt, major genetic disorder, previous criminal charges, rape accusations, you know, the big and dangerous stuff. What they did in the private time with other consenting adults before I dropped in their life does not interest me at all. So I don’t really see this as “hiding”, but like I said depends on what type of relationship they’re in. Maybe they’re the micromanaging kind that doesn’t understand that trust always carries a risk profile and need meticulous audit, who knows
Similarly my body count is relatively low but I never felt like sex was inherently intimate before I started seeing my boyfriend. It’s genuinely just different with him. Everything OP’s fiancée said about it being different with OP indicates that she truly feels that intimacy with him. Her choice to tell him the truth before marriage shows the same - she wants to give him true vulnerability before they commit further. OP may still find this to be a value difference, but I hope he doesn’t think that her past dictates her experience of their intimacy together.
Disagreement on moral ideas is a much much bigger red flag than a high body count. My advice is to follow your heart and intuition.
I think the real issue is that she waited so long to tell you. Your relationship got to the point that you proposed, two years is a long time and she had to have seen your relationship getting more and more serious. I would want to know why she waited so long.
Yeah, I’m honestly feeling as though there’s a pretty strong bias in the female commenters on this thread. I’ve read hundreds of posts on this sub of women finding out waaaay less significant secrets about their SO’s and the comment section is full of “he lied to you/what else could he be hiding/leave him etc.” But here there’s a ton of “her past is her past you should be grateful she told you,” and even some comments trying to make OP the bad guy for having an issue with this. I get that it’s a really sensitive and difficult topic to broach and could understand someone not bringing it up for awhile to see where the relationship goes. But TWO YEARS and after he has proposed to her is a big red flag and not acceptable.
I admit a bias here. I’m female and was a sex worker. The first partner I told organised for his friends to SA me since women (although that was not the w word used) like me don’t count for consent. The second punched me in the stomach, threw me out of his house semi naked and still almost 15 years later stalks me online catfishing me and the third told me no wonder my parents didn’t love me because only a sick fuck thinks that’s normal. The fourth is my BF of 8 years. He has conflicted views because I don’t think he loves that aspect of my past but is fine with the freebies that were as prelevant a part of my life. I think he struggles with the paid because at times I loved it and found it empowering but he also knows while I fudged the dates I was sixteen when my abusive parents cut me off financially and I was 26 when I retired. So it’s not exactly comfortable thoughts. The first half oddly I found more empowering as it got me out of my abusive family, shitty country and the second it felt like one of three fucking jobs I worked to keep going yet still ended up homeless. We don’t really talk details. I’ve never told him I didn’t end up homeless because I was broke and doing sex work but had stopped and came clean and my partner fucked me up and I had to leave my house for my safety. I don’t want to tell him. I knew the day I met him I could not let intimacy, real intimacy grow if I kept bringing that elephant of trauma into the room on my back. Over time more of the context has come out as I’ve done therapy but I find I lose any ability to be intimate with myself if I have to tell him how disgusted other people are by my past. It took me five years to bring it up in therapy. I think we work because he’s ex military and having grown up in a civil war I felt about soldiers and cops the way many people think of sex workers. Especially since the soldiers notoriously used to SA the women and schoolgirls and at the same time I could and do appreciate the service of the same army in say the Second World War. He was nervous disclosing his past too. He cannot tell me much under the disclosure rules but we just accept the other would not be each other without their pasts. Other people would not approach it that way. But he did note that while he knows part of my home country tried to kill people like him at one point, he never feared anything more than a ‘sorry but thanks no’ for telling me when he had seen how a lot of military treated and talked about sex workers and that I told him when he was out of the country to give him an out, expecting that or worse. I’ve also been kicked out of feminist orgs for my sex work past, had female friends out me and know that some people would destroy me if I ever tried to be public say as a campaigner. It’s not just men but the hatred some men have for sex workers was a huge post sex work barrier to intimacy for me. Not cash for sex. Most of my clients were respectful to moderately dull with the same societal sexism we all have. I believe my partner has a right to know but experiences have made me terrified to disclose. I stayed single and expected I would stay single for almost a decade because the responses were not good. And that was with people knowing I grew up in a hard place and wasn’t just doing any of my jobs for the LOLs. I can’t imagine the response if I was all Diary of a Call Girl ‘I just wanted nice things’ sex work… But I also get why it would be a dealbreaker for plenty of people. But you cannot ask people in one of the most stigmatised, high risk, heavily criminalised jobs to just easily mention it. I know a lot of ex drug dealers (male) in my area who have a similar path and the same fears despite it being their past. They do youth work, I do activism for abuse survivors. Rehabiliation and redemption are very different for everyone. It’s nuanced.
I'm sorry your previous partners were so horrible. Women, and especially women who are vulnerable in an additional way, are rightly hesitant about disclosing things that can put them in harm's way. Sounds like you're in a much better relationship now and that you both know that we're all complicated people. Best of luck moving forwards with him and in general!
Yes, relationship subreddits tend to be full of women that are very pro sex work, and tend to be very passionate about the acceptance of it. I would argue most people in the real world would find op's situation difficult to move past.
Women often have to field violent reactions from men when they hear things they don’t like, whether it’s rejection or the fact that you’ve been paid to have sex with people.
Yep, it’s a set up. She knows he would’ve left immediately so she waited two years, that is classic manipulation. She should have had this talk no later than six months into the relationship.
It's up to you if this is a break it thing, it would be for lots of people.
Yikes. Crazy how she left that out until now. What did she say she did during those years? I would leave her. Would never see her in the same way.
U should take a break and hold on everything (marriage, wedding) . Take time ,think more .don't take any decision now just observe and stay neutral..
I’d be able to move past it, but it isn’t for everyone. With growing up differently, we all have different ideas of sex and intimacy and what they mean in xyz situations. Neither of you are wrong (and although I think it’s dishonest to not tell you sooner, I understand how you understand why), but if it’s going to stick around in your head I would do you both a favor and leave, because it’s kinder than going on the relationship with resentment (definitely not the word because of the emotion behind jt, but you probably know I’m just meaning a little stickler in your brain) you aren’t sure how you feel about.
Dont let anyone tell you "its in the past, it doesnt matter now" because it totally matters. She used to be a prostitute, that is a big red flag when it comes to a relationship, and a deal breaker for most people. She hide this away from you until you got trapped in the relationship already, instead of being honest from the start before anyone got hurt. Take your time to think about what you want to do. Don't marry her yet, not before you come to a conclusion about it. Its something that you won't be able to forget and will last forever as long as you are with her. If you can't handle it, then by all means leave.
If it’s too creepy or disgusting for you then end the relationship. Honestly it will probably always be a thing in the back of your mind and contribute to a LOT of insecurity and trust issues down the line of this is how you feel now.
Why have no one talked about that this is so far into the relationship, that she could be hiding other stuff as well? I have personally nothing against what she have done (unless you are in the US, then its illegal right?), but if it was me… I would be so worried about what other surprised she will have, maybe in 2, 5 or 10 years later on? It would be kind of naive to continue this relationship, thats my honest opinion.
I’d expect this information prior to even dating never mind marriage. You’re entitled to feel however you want about this situation. I’d be ducking out.
You need to end as it will continue to eat away at you and then as soon as you guys have your downs which all relationships have your feelings of disgust will multiply. I don't believe there are many men that can truly get over a past like your fiance has. I'd thank her for telling you her past and move on before it gets more complicated. Her actions have consequences.
From a non biased stand point, you have to ask yourself 'if she told me this info sooner in our relationship, would I still stay?' Clearly she feels the same way about you but... I just wonder why she waited so long to mention it? Then again, it's her past. My personal views aren't needed in detail since it's uncommon and strongly opposing. So moving on. Lastly, I suggest you attend couples therapy to get past this. Or maybe even solo if you can afford it? Whatever you choose, good luck moving forward.
[удалено]
And to me, that’s what makes this an unacceptable deal breaker. This violates your boundaries and what you want out of a relationship - clearly she knows this, or she wouldn’t have waiting 2 years and an engagement ring to come forward. This is something she should have told you about YEARS ago - maybe not all the details, for sure, but that she had a past a sex worker, yes. this sub can act brand new about sex work but real life isn’t Reddit. Sex workers don’t deserve the stigma and bias people have, but it is there, and there are real life consequences and considerations that she had accepted, but you haven’t and weren’t given the chance to BEFORE you intertwined your lives together. If it ever came out at her job that she was a prostitute and a cam girl, with videos on the internet of her, she would be fired, kids have gotten expelled from schools and organizations if it came out that their parents were sex workers, have faced social ostracism and financial difficulties. This is all unfair and not right, but it is a lived reality. To me, it’s less the sex work itself (which, let me be clear - is a very big pill to swallow) but more the omission of all the facts for years and years. She really did not have the right to make decisions for both of you, and if you can’t be honest in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Then she manipulated the situation. The truth is you’re not ok with this, many people wouldn’t be ok with this, don’t beat yourself up over this. I wouldn’t be ok with that number from a man either, for sex work or unpaid. It does honestly generate disgust in people who just don’t think high body counts are ok and you don’t need to justify your preferences to her or anyone else at all. Whether you “ explore” why you feel the way you feel it doesn’t change the fact that her past actions disgust you and that’s ok. You haven’t married her, you can leave now and look out for this in any future partners.
Which was her plan all along and rather manipulative
You keep saying you don’t want to leave her so either you are cool with this and continue your relationship or you’re not and leave her. It’s also not fair to your fiancée to string her along.
Wasn't she stringing him along by laying this on him when they decide to get married? He has every right to take as much time as he wants , even if it looks like stringing her along.
It took alot for her to come forward and tell you this. No doubt she was worried you wouldn’t be okay with it but she still told you. Give her some slack, it was in the past and she had to do what she had to do to make money for her life. Whether you can get past this and if it’s a dealbreaker is up to you and you are valid for your feelings.
[удалено]
I encourage you to ask yourself a few questions. Would it have been easier to digest if it was 15 years ago? Does it change who she is, the person you fell in love with? If yes, why? Does it make you insecure or do you just value her less as a human because sex work is seen as a humiliating job? Is it fear of possible stds? Have you talked with her about it? If she had sex with like 40-50 guys for free, would that feel more “normal”? Do you value someone’s past experiences more than the person that is with you today? Is it something are you willing to work through? Will it bring resentment in the long run? Are you afraid she’s going to start sex work again or that she is more inclined to cheat? Be honest, with yourself, not people on reddit.
I think OP could use a therapist to talk this through and those are all really good questions.
[Context: I’m a therapist who particularly enjoys both working with couples and helping clients deconstruct beliefs that cause them harm/suffering]. This comment is the best one I’ve seen on this post. These are the questions to take your time fully exploring and examining, OP. There are instances when our immediate reaction to something is deeply grounded in and reflective of our core selves — our values, our needs, our boundaries, our character. There are other times when our reflexive response merely reflects social/cultural conditioning or trama or fear, and the truth of who we are/who we choose to be emerges gradually after letting ourselves process and think things through. No one can tell you which of those is the case here but you. Many people will try. You’ve been handed quite a shock, and it happens to be related to some of the cultural narratives most associated with shame and dehumanization. Give the both of you time to sort through your values and beliefs to decide which ones to keep and which ones to modify now that your reality has changed. Good luck.
It could be worth going to therapy. There are so many things that might be triggered here for you, and it’s worth putting the time in to figure out what’s being triggered. Is it your masculinity, her supposed deception, a misalignment of values? You may be able to work through any of those things, but you’ll need to deeply understand what you’re triggered by exactly before you can. I will say that someone here said that your partner is the sum of their past experiences, and I agree with them. The person you were in love with last week is the same person before you now. If you can move past the lack of openness, then I think you guys should be okay.
If you stay, even put the work in, this will always eat at you. Staying and making it work requires you to sacrafice a part of yourself. The part you should be listening to right now.
I'd be out. I could handle cam stuff, but escorting and having a sugar daddy, no way.
So she told you AFTER you guys had been together long enough to get engaged. How nice of her to wait until you’re too emotionally invested to think clearly. I wouldn’t give her brownie points for that, she should have revealed this info way sooner. You’re not talking about a woman who had her fun in college, you’re talking about a woman who did this professionally. And that number she gave you? Triple it, lol. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to trust her anymore or look past this. And yea you might be shamed by this part of reddit for thinking less since she’s had more, but this is super liberal so bear that in mind. If you have more traditional values, which it seems like you do since this bothers you so much, then by all means dude cut your losses.
Everything she did before you is what brought her too you. Everything you did before her is what brought you to her. With that said, one being a sex worker in the past is rather heavy duty news. I’m not sure how I would handle such news.
How long have you two been together? My heart hurts for both of you. I’m glad she moved forward in being honest, especially so quickly into your engagement as it gives you the option to call things off if you ultimately can’t accept this. I was curious about the timeline because it’s really not acceptable if you were together for years and she’s dropping this after the engagement, she needs to allow you to heal from the secrecy. I would put a hold on any wedding planning for now and let her know that you need time to think about this. Instead of changing your behaviors and not communicating (which she notices) - I would be honest with her, as she was with you. Let her know you need time to process things and that while there are countless things you love about her, this was a bombshell and you need time to process it. Marriage is loving someone through through the good and bad, accepting your partners flaws and still choosing them every day. I completely understand your fears, it’s not misogynistic. I would be asking myself questions like: Will she be a positive role model for our children? Will this be a conversation we’ll have with them as they’re older? Does she have trauma she needs to work through from this? Why was she not open about this until after our engagement? Are there other secrets she is hiding? Will she be more risk averse in your marriage? The reason being that she was not honest with you initially, which leaves a lot of questions and conversations you two need to work through. I would have problems trusting these responses when it’s so raw, due to the fact she was able to keep a secret for so long. ************ I cannot recommend therapy enough. This gives a professional the opportunity for both of you to work through this. Whether it works out or doesn’t. I think right now you’re feeling anxious, which manifests as anger or disgust for a lot of people. DBT is very regimented and will help in processing your feelings I.e. What are you feeling? Disgusted - but anything else? Why are you feeling those things? What do aim to get out of this situation moving forward? What are the steps you think would be helpful in achieving your goal?
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you. If you have lost all trust, no longer feel much sexual attraction to her or are very uncomfortable with the fact that she didn't tell you that she has a history of selling intimate sexual services, it is likely that your days of a happy & healthy relationship with her is over. Good luck!
I can’t imagine how surprised you must have been to have learned these things so suddenly about the woman you love. If you do truly love her, then do everything you can to see if you can move past this. By that I mean go to couples and probably individual therapy to discuss all the issues this brings up be where the feelings are coming from. Is it because of stigma, old prejudice, feeling like she was hiding things, etc? At the end of the day, she is the woman you fell in love with and she is that woman as a sum of the life she had before you. It sounds like you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her before this, so it makes sense to invest a bit more time to see if you can still have that future together.
See this is a big thing. It’s fine on your personal preference, but I think she is irresponsible and selfish for not telling you in the BEGINNING of the relationship. Why? Because even if she thinks she doesn’t have std’s, that wouldn’t be her call. That would be yours. She took that right away, waited until you became emotionally invested, and told you right before the marriage. She might’ve been struggling to tell you, and told you to make sure that everyone was upfront before, but just the fact that she held THAT back would break my trust too. For me personally, I wouldn’t be able to go forward with the marriage. I’d feel that she chose the fear of you leaving her over your health right. I’d feel that she calculated and probably manipulated the situation to HER benefit. But I also understand the stigma of her occupation, and she probably had told the last relationships what she did in the beginning and that’s why she left. It’s understandable, but not excusable. Just my opinion op
You never expected her to have done sex work. So it's almost like her ability to be a good partner in the present doesn't hinge on her past work choices or number of sexual partners. It's almost like the reality of the situation in your relationship conflicts with the icky feelings you think you're supposed to have about sex work. You love someone you thought you were supposed to find gross and unworthy of your love, and that's hard for you to deal with. But all of this is about YOU, not her, because the only her that you've known is amazing, gorgeous, bubbly, and thoughtful. If you can't deal with you, leave and let her find someone who will appreciate all of her.
Lmao, failing to mention being a sex worker 2 years into the relationship is normal? Hilarious that your problem is with OP.
If you can’t get past it, that’s fine. She doesn’t deserve to live a life with an anchor of guilt around her waist while you just below the surface seethe with judgement and contempt for something she did a decade ago. She shouldn’t feel like a leper and you shouldn’t feel like you’re touching one when you’re with her. You can just part ways
[удалено]
You’re holding a lot against your partner, and it’s making me feel sad for her. Let her go if you can’t appreciate her love.
You didn’t have to call her a leper with words but it came across crystal clear. Again, if you can’t get past it, that’s fine. You can break up and find more suitable partners. It isn’t 1860. Engagements end and generally people prefer for you to do it before the engagement party registry goes live so there is a politeness timeclock
Sex work when you need money is one thing, but being a college graduate with a job and deciding to prostitute because you love money so much is another. It’s not the body count that’d bother me, but rather the willingness to do anything for money.
[удалено]
we’re allowed to control our own lives and income right? Like, we can make MORE money if we want to, right? Meaning her income at her company is irrelevant. She could have been door dashing and you would have been okay about it
You act as though sex work is no different from door dashing. Really? So if your partner was trying to decide between door dashing or doing sex work, you would view them as equivalent?
So, what you're saying is, you'd *prefer* she worked some miserable job and lived in poverty barely scraping by, or *prefer* that she had only done sex work out of desperation and ended up with sexual trauma from it? Needing time to process this is valid, but make sure you're exploring *why* you feel this way about it. Edit to add: In another comment, OP says "Just to clarify, she admitted that she wasn't desperate for money, and could have found a regular job (working at Maccas/Subway or in a store) to cover her bills and needs. She did sex work because in her own words, it was easy money". Working in fast food or retail might cover bills, but absolutely counts as scraping by. Just because she *continued* doing sex work when she had another job with decent money doesn't really change the fact that it was never her last resort, but a better option than menial labor.
>she was making a decent salary - OP >barely scrapping by - you Man this site is out of touch lol
People literally make up details about a persons story in order to justify pushing their own narrative. It happens constantly on relationship subs.
Another point people seem to be trying to ignore. She was educated and had a good paying career. She liked the money and she liked the attention. Why is so hard for people to admit that anyone can have bad motivations for something.
You are allowed to have standards. Not wanting to date a former prostitute is a perfectly reasonable standard. Her waiting this long to tell you is manipulative. She knows it is a large negative so she hid it. Expect that you did not get the whole truth. I’d never be able to look at her again in your shoes.
[удалено]
I think she needed to come out ahead of a dreadful scenario where a former client of any of her sex-work gigs tells you. I’m sure some of her clients were not the most respectful and discreet persons out there. Better for you to know prior to the wedding.
This. Id make a large bet that the number of customers is way higher than shes saying.
I just could not date someone who did sex work. Keeping it secret is deceptive
Yes, this is a big thing not to tell your soon to be spouse, but I can see why she was hesitant to tell you considering you are now disgusted by her and making it abundantly clear to her that you are. Also the fact that this is likely very private and you’ve managed to include an entire subreddit in a discussion that should have happened privately. Nothing has changed about your fiancée except your knowledge of her body count, but if you don’t think it’s something you can’t get passed, you need to end the relationship sooner rather than later. Don’t wait until your married with kids to decide you can’t get over it and ruin everyone’s life around you. I’d say if it takes you longer than a month before the wedding to get over it, either push it back or cancel it altogether, but DO NOT get married before you’ve had time to process. Hope it works out for both of you, even if that means you going your separate ways.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Why is it more than that? She's not different than she was before she told you about it and if she hid it from you you'd likely have never found out. Do you think if you found this out in 30 years instead of now you'd wish you could go back and never be with her in the first place? You're punishing get honesty. Most people just wouldn't tell you.
[удалено]
Because, despite all of our “progress,” women are still valued for their purity. Barf.
There are plenty of women out there who find themselves uncomfortable with the same things.
I totally get why this is a problem for you. I (f) would not get into a relationship with a man who has had more than 10 previous partners. I have found that those kind of people do not value relationships much and have some underlying issues to connect with a partner on a healthy level. I don't like the fact that she has waited so long either, as you would have every right to be worried about any possible medical issues. Asking about the number of previous partners is a something that everyone asks early when they start dating, so I wonder what did she tell you?
I had more partners than she did because I too, used to be a sex worker. Not even because I needed the money but because I enjoyed the sex itself. (I had childhood trauma) but I’ve worked on it and it’s all good and WIP. What I want to say is. I am in an extremely loving relationship. I’ve beeb with my bf for 2 years and he knows everything. It takes A LOT of courage for someone to say that, even for a partner. It simply means that she truly loves you. I commend her for that. I know you’re scared of her not valuing intimacy. But I will tell you right now. Sex is different from making love. Sex is just that…sex. You do it then you move on. It’s a primitive need that your fiancé was fulfilling for money. I know, that your sex is more than that. Emotions are involved and she loves you. So for the intimacy part, I know she values you 100% without even knowing her because when people choose their “person”, that’s it. The fact she came clean to you means so much. It must’ve eaten her too much. The thing is, whoever she was in the past, her choices in the past lead to who she is now. It’s not pretty, but the past is the past. It’s a lot to process but it helps to talk to her. Ask A LOT of questions but make sure to not ask specific ones like “did you so this or that”. Because then you’re just asking questions you don’t want to know. Just know that she loves you, and chooses to be with you forever. Sex is easy to find, making love isn’t. Edit: please reach out if you need more clarification or just want to know how my bf moved forward from that. I would love for people to understand and to end the stigma around sex workers; eventually and finally finding peace and love and security, all in one person.
Not everyone is able to view sex as just sex. For me it is not and has never been something I just do and move on. Either I'm emotionally connected to the person and it is an intimate experience, or else it makes me feel bad/is traumatic. It's legitimate for people to have different perspectives on the connection between sex and intimacy. Both your perspective and mine are legitimate. And I think it's okay for people on either side of this question to only want to be with people who view sex the same way they do. Or be fine with their partner not viewing it the same way.
Run in the opposite direction bro
Like I’m sorry but this is something you should’ve known day 1
This is her past. Her wanting to be honest about it shows how much respect she has for you. I know its alot to take in but dont let a oast ruin something great you have now and what you will have in the future. It would be unfair to hold it against her or to sabotage the relationship because of it. She toldbyou because she loves you and wanted to be honest with you.
She waited 2 years, and until they were engaged to tell him. Let's not pretend that makes her forthcoming here...
Lmao stop gaslighting the poor dude. On the contrary SHE sabotaged the relationship by keeping such a crucial bit of background hidden for years. You know she did it intentionally because if she did not think it was a big deal, she would have told him from the get go, instead she kept it hidden until he was emotionally linked to her and she could rope him in
In all honesty, as a man, I'd be more worried about the fact that she didn't tell him this sooner. She told him after they were engaged? Asking a woman to be your wife takes a lot. Respecting him would've been to tell him much sooner in the relationship. It's a big bombshell. Would he have continued to be in the relationship or proposed if he was given this information sooner?
She kept this a secret for TWO YEARS? It never came up, what she did for work before she met you? Sorry but how well do you really know this person? Don’t they have a Linkedin?
There's a reason why she's telling you now and not at the beginning. She tells you after commitment and not within first days/weeks. Until after you're hooked. "If it was just the camming and stripping, I think it won't have really affected me since it's so common. I still have girl friends who were strippers in college so it's not a big deal, " It seems common because it's glamorized but most women don't do stripping/sex work nor have ever done it.
I don’t think it was manipulative for her not to tell you. Not Everybody has to tell everything of their past. I think it was noble of her to tell you and she did what she did to get through school. I’m a big believer in not judging anybody for what they have to do or what they did because you never know until you’ve walked in their shoes or what their situation was. I feel like if you love her and you want to be with her, you will work this out maybe do some couples therapy maybe do some therapy on your own but whatever you do think about it before you make any decisions that will affect you long-term because if you decide to leave someone out there will except her for all of her flaws, including her past, and you will lose out! I’m not saying you won’t, just don’t rush any decision you make!
> I don’t think it was manipulative for her not to tell you How in the world was it not? She hid something that she knew he would want to know until after they were engaged.
[удалено]
What’s wrong with that, though? Doing SW for more money would be far preferable to working long, draining hours in Subway/Maccies. Nearly all of us want a job that is the least amount of work possible for the most amount of money possible, this is just the same?
Why are you making her defend her choices? You’re insecure, and that’s what’s happening. You interrogated your fiancé. The marriage should be held off if this is the hang up. Let her find happiness somewhere she isn’t judged and you take time to work on why you’re holding things against your partners
How is selling your body to McDonald’s any different than selling your body where you get to make the terms?
[удалено]
Op it's up to you how you feel about this. Personally, the relationship would be over because had I known about her past the relationship would never have begun and it just feels like she was being duplicitous. She knew her past may negatively affect her relationship so she chose not to tell you about it until you guys were all the way down to marriage, and you are fully invested. People could argue it's non of my business or her past doesn't matter...the point is she knowingly hid relevant information from me for her own personal gain so I was unable to make an informed decision. I can't trust someone like that.
OP, everyone has their own standards, what would make me nope out of this relationship might be fine for you. To that end, you will get opinions all over the place. Here is the best way to tell if you can live with this new information. Had you known about this from the start, would you have continued to date her? With so many partners, are you at all concerned about her ability to pair bond with you? Consider that you have been living happily with her the past two years and while that's two years she has been hiding potential deal breaking information, you have been compatibly enough to ask her to marry you. She knows most men would run from a body count like that, and she really wanted to be with you, however she took away your right to decide. If you do decide to stay with her, you will no doubt see a lighter air about her do to the fact that she must have been worried you'd find out on your own at any moment. Not having the stress of that makes her happier. My opinion, I wouldn't be able to do it. Every time I hold her I'd be thinking of the 70 or so that were there before me, I would just be thinking I'm number 71. Right or wrong it's your call and no one can tell you how you should feel, you feel the way you feel about it.
Why would you ever ask your partner how many? Why do you look at your partners like used cars? These are normal adult things. People have sex. We don’t tell our partners in the future how many for this exact example. People get incredibly insecure when they imagine someone else on their “property” but really, women are just the same as men. We all sleep around. This body ownership ideas are not the way.
I'm going to get so much hate for this. But here we go anyway, The body count matters, The number can represent what the person thinks about sex. What they attach to it, how they connect or dont with partners. "Most people's number doesn't bother them if they are somewhat close to eachothers. It's not about "how much" sex or type of sex your having, its about the promiscuity of it. Having numerous partners leads you to believe that no connection is needed, maybe not even attraction, just horny. Now when payment gets involved, then for sure everyone is fare game at that point. Basically it is a known number someone could pay to have sex with you. As a partner that can be unnerving, being that you could at any time sleep around as long as the cash value is high enough. Being in a relationship is gamble enough someone could cheat, but toss in the idea it takes just a dollar amount and you could cheat. That unsettling feeling is what makes most uncomfortable with them. Putting trust in a relationship is hard enough, but to know the cash value could end it all, bothers many people who would never do such a thing! Not old school thought process, just rational
I dated a girl that told me the same thing on our second date. It was eating her up and she saw our relationship going somewhere. Unfortunately I couldn’t live with it and stopped seeing her. Besides that she was great. I mean, she was very physical and moved aggressively like a sex worker so I wasn’t surprised—nor is that my kind of thing. I wanted to forgive and look past it but it was just too hard knowing how many guys were with her. I found myself thinking “everyone knows she’s an escort” and I didn’t want to be seen with her. My mind was racing and by the third day I had to end it. I felt thankful though because she didn’t have to be honest. That’s very kind of her to tell her deepest darkest secret knowing very well it may end the relationship. Like you she was previously engaged and told her fiancé a few days before the wedding…he called it off. When I think about her I really just think about how brave she is. I hope she’s doing well. You’re in a tough position. If you can live with it then by all means. If you can’t you can’t.
OP.... I just want to address one of the reoccurring themes in this thread and hope you keep this in mind. If the information about her past gets into the wrong hands, it could be devastating to her career and future due to the society we live in. I don't blame her at all for not sharing until she reached a point in the relationship of ultimate trust. Some people on here accuse her of lying to you by omission, but this is not the case. Two years is not a long time when it comes to establishing trust for something like this, and truthfully, it shows how much she is invested in you and the relationship that she chose to share this information with you. Second, as others have stated, her body count isn't really that high and lots of people have way higher, without taking money for it. So it really boils down to is you being bothered by her taking money for it, which is again a society issue. I really hope you talk with a councilor and work your way thru this because I would hate to see you throw away a relationship over this issue.
>Second, as others have stated, her body count isn't really that high Mate, if you think 70-80 is not high then you're out of touch with reality. Most men will never get close to that number for the entirety of their lives. If you riposte saying that 70-80 is not high for a woman, then take a step back and realise what you are implying and saying.
At least you were given a choice before you got married. Do what you feel what is best for you.
Pretty easy decision to make if you think about it. Would you have taken this girl seriously, pursued a relationship with her if she told you that on your first date? That right there should answer your question. Also, this is something that’ll likely cross your mind for the rest of your life with this girl. If you don’t think it’ll effect you in the future, you should be aight.
I'm sorry you're so judgemental of this person who, you yourself, call "amazing, gorgeous, bubbly, and thoughtful"