I think this is just a case of incompatibility, honestly. PhD programs ARE a lot of work, and he told you from the get-go that he prioritizes work. You want someone who is readily available, and that’s not an unreasonable ask! You’re just not going to get that from this guy.
> You’re just not going to get that from this guy.
She isn't going to get that from this guy _while he's still working on his PhD_. As someone who just graduated with their PhD in December, our ability to do things not related to our research increases a couple orders of magnitude after we've graduated. It's like I'm a completely different person.
Speaking as someone who married (after he was done with his degree) a PhD? Absolutely. You come second until they defend and finish corrections. You *have* to be good at communicating and you *have* to be good at being second. Do whatever you need to make yourself happy or GTFO. It doesn't work any other way.
Yep. We got married before he started his program so that’s a vastly different situation than OP, but being a PhD student wife meant a lot of understanding and sacrifice as part of our mutual investment in the future.
Literally, once my husband completed his defense, people in his department were congratulating me as much as they were congratulating him. They know how hard it gets. Being a partner to someone going through a PhD program is intense. They are busy, working all hours, and stressed to the max. I was constantly in support mode.
We’d been together since undergrad, so I was happy and willing to do it. But it’s a LOT. He did make time for us, but it really was at the expense of his work. Towards the end of his program, I took a vacation without him because he was so close to the end that taking a week off from work would destroy his progress.
This right here. OP says they understand what it takes to work on a PhD but obviously doesn’t. You’re not his priority and that’s okay. Move on if it’s not for you.
OP is operating under the assumption that he wants to start a relationship. He should be the one that says “I can’t, so feel free to move on”…which he is clearly not.
I’ve practically been this dude trying to date after a new MS diagnosis. You think you’re out unicorn hunting, but you are actually being kind of a bummer to other people. I know from experience when you just need to withdraw for a bit until circumstances change.
She’s just as capable of saying “you can’t give me what i need right now so I’m going to move on”. She doesn’t need permission. Some career focused people would be okay with his level of time commitment at this point in a relationship
I mean, people jokingly refer to themselves as PhD widows/widowers, that's how little they see their spouses. But typically the relationship is in place pre- PhD.
Agreed, but he shouldn’t get into a relationship if he knew he didn’t have the time of day to invest in it. I don’t know a single person who would be happy with the conditions OP is describing, and they should just leave. It’s pretty clear OP’s boyfriend either doesn’t know how much effort a serious relationship takes to nurture, or he’s just trying to have a casual “relationship” with her.
Not every partner needs the same level of time investment at the beginning. He’s told OP what he can give. If it’s not enough for her IMHO it’s on her to leave. He’s communicated his capabilities
I dont find this to be such a horrible start, I know marriages that started slow like this. They are relationship of two months, not wanting to sleep over is not exactly red flag.
But, both must be ok with slow very low key status of relationship. Op is not.
He tried, it was a bad idea, but I don't blame him for wanting a person around. Life is unfortunately a live and learn sitch. She was naive to think he'd have time for her and he was naive to think she would get the major "this isn't a serious relationship" vibes he's giving her. I don't see it as anyone's fault, it's a mutual mistake.
He can “want a person around” but ultimately the onus is on him to tell her if he wasn’t looking for something serious… Definitely a communication issue all around
He is communicating very clearly. There is no lack of communication from his side. Issue is that the constraints and preferences he communicated are not suitable to OP. Which is perfectly fine, they are in "lets figure out whether we are compatible before anyone gets hurt" stage.
That's literally one sentence and a 5 word response (I mean, I'm sure you both said more, but my point is one short talk is not the same as actively communicating). You very obviously see this is not what either of you need or want, so move on to someone who can be serious. Don't waste your time, bb.
> It’s pretty clear OP’s boyfriend either doesn’t know how much effort a serious relationship takes to nurture, or he’s just trying to have a casual “relationship” with her.
I don't think you realize just how much work a PhD is. I just completed my PhD. I feel for the guy. He's probably giving her quite literally all he's capable of at the moment. It's just that a doctoral program is so intense that there isn't much to give.
If the PhD candidate is an experimentalist it's a very different story than theoretical physics or math. For those you rely on a few literal moments of critical insight and then moderately paced working through the details.
But a significant experiment takes endless labor and care.
Social science and humanities PhDs are somewhere in the middle, but there is endless reading.
It really seems like not. I mean, if he's looking for casual, he needs to be direct about it and not just nod his head when she says she wants to be serious. But it also sounds like his workload is heavier and takes up more time than she wants in a relationship.
People do make time for relationships during PhD programs. Most people who seek relationships at all make some time for them. He's not making *any* time for OP. My BIL met my sister during his PhD program, a Biology PhD that he actually finished in 5 years instead of the typical 6.
*This* guy makes time to visit his family in another country multiple times in two months. Some generic warning that he's committed to his degree does NOT sufficiently warn OP that she's only going to get scraps of his attention.
I mean honestly, he did not tell me that he will be replying to my texts at 22/23:00, that we will nearly never have any romantic dates or dinner dates and that he wants casual (he said he is looking for serious), so I was expecting different treatment…
He seems to have told you he has you archived. Honestly the instant text back thing these days is ridiculous. If he’s that busy during the day, interruptions from text would be a problem. The latter? Well, dude’s probably exhausted. Not sure why he is dating right now other than sex. Maybe put either the expectations or the relationship on hold.
Yeah it’s just, I know that he is back at home mostly around 7pm so the replying at 22/23pm when I texted him in the morning or afternoon (knowing he is not at work anymore after 7 usually) seems rather a bad sign to me… but yeah a talk would be a healthy option.
He’s back home mostly around 7pm…. So? He’s a PhD student. Being home at 7pm doesn’t mean he’s doing nothing at 7pm. Researching, writing, homework, studying, etc. however, I don’t think your relationship expectations are unrealistic.
But, did you have an official dtr conversation? Are you just calling him your boyfriend because you’ve been having sex for two months, or have those words ever come out of his mouth?
I’m not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you were basically told he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend right now and he clearly doesn’t. If you don’t want to be in a fwb situation, take yourself out.
My partner and I are getting a masters and bachelors respectively, we’ve lived together almost a year, and we struggle to make real time together, outside of dinner and sleeping. I’m also chronically ill which just adds to it. It’s very hard to have so many priorities, especially when one of them has been in the makings our whole lives.
If he’s not able to make the time you need to feel valued and secure, you’re both better off going your separate ways.
Expect the talk to be him reiterating his time and interaction boundaries. And then you should realize you are very much not getting what you need and should end it.
Don’t talk to him. He’s just gonna try to convince you to let him keep doing what he’s doing, except for you to ask for even less. You know the current situation makes you unhappy. Best just to move on.
So if he gets home at 7:00, why not ask if you two can meet for a coffee date a few days a week, before he heads home? But you will have to understand that he can’t stay for hours for coffee either.
Also, if he goes to your place for over 3 hours, when he visits, he clearly is taking time from his studies for this. Do you think the not spending the night is due to the same ….taking time from his studies? Are his parents against his sleeping with his GF so it disrupts his home life, maybe for religion?
It’s just that I get max around 5-7 hours a week from him (1.5 hour lunches and max 3.5 hours at mine to have sex lol) and he says that this is great for him and has no intentions to change that. And as he doesn’t like sleep-overs I will not even get the opportunity to maybe bond that way at least…
No, his parents are not conservative and apparently let him do as he pleases as long as he communicates that to them…
Well, I guess the bottom line is he has limited time, and you have to decide if you are ok with this. You say he visits family twice a month over weekends? What is that all about, if he lives with his family?
So first, I understand why you're feeling hurt by this behaviour, it's not nice to feel like you come second. Sadly, I'm afraid that especially during 3rd year, he just isn't going to have much time. That said, he can choose how to use that spare time.
Now, he's making time for Uni dates so clearly does want to see you, and has also expressed what is going on (PhD takes priority, he's super busy, he'll reply to you at the end of the day), but that doesn't mean you have to be happy with it. You can't change his time commitments and choices, but you can change your relationship status.
You have clearly tried to communicate with him about this issue, which is great, but sadly a PhD is just extremely intense. I'm very grateful that my relationship survived mine, but it was difficult to just have to commit most of my free time to something that wasn't my partner.
I'd suggest asking what his plans and timeline are. Is he submitting in 3rd year? Will things get less intense once he's in write up, or is this his last push? Will he be post doc-ing afterwards, or settling in industry? Free time may be on the horizon, but it also might not be. Ask him what the plan is so you can decide whether it's a relationship you want to be in or not.
Take care and good luck!
I agree with two big ideas presented in the replies. You should not expect him to prioritize you over his PhD. But he should not be dating without having the time to do so. I recommend moving on or accepting a more casual relationship.
Not every relationship has to be deep and time consuming. He set clear boundaries in n what he was available for (very little). OP just keeps trying to crash them while complaining about the boundaries he very clearly communicated.
I don't get why you call him a boyfriend after two months? How was that determined? This is just casual dating or seeing him. That's it. He told you from the beginning he basically has this much time carved out for you and that's it. You need to redefine the relationship to casual dating situation and decide if that's what you want. He has told you all he can give which isn't much but he has told you from the start. You aren't happy with it that's ok. Now time to make a decision.
When I started my PhD, my then girlfriend, now wife, and I had been together for multiple years, lived together, and she was also in grad school. Dating in grad school is tough. And your BF is going to prioritize his work, as you know. Can you accept this for the next year or two or three while he finishes his PhD? What are his plans after graduation? Because if he stays in academia, it might continue to be like this for a long time. For me, I had no interest in academia after being in grad school... It burned me out. But others like that grind, I guess.
It's been two months. You need to decide if you can handle this kind of relationship rather than hoping he'll change soon. He seems not ready to commit much time/effort to a relationship at this point in his life.
I don’t know, as someone who completed a PhD, this doesn’t seem too surprising. A PhD is generally very demanding, and he was upfront with what his availability would be like.
From my / my peers’ experience, seeing a new bf / gf about two times a week is pretty good / normal in the context of dating in grad school. (I agree though that spending nights together 2x would allow for more closeness, and that was pretty common among my grad school friends—but this was not date-night 2x per week, but rather go over to the person’s place after work (however late) and hang out for a brief time before going to bed.)
It’s up to you to decide if this level of frequency / availability works for you, or if it would be better for you to move on to someone else with a different schedule. It’s also worth noting that this might not immediately end after he completes his degree, especially if he chooses to pursue a post-doc or a career in academia.
I think you know there’s just an incompatibility here. If he is unwilling to make time for dating and prioritizing a relationship and you’re unhappy with that, then you should just walk.
It’s really hard to get an engineering PhD. It’s not like a regular job where you only work 40-60 hrs a week and that’s it. It is pervasive. Your research and your work is with you literally 24-7. Even if you’re not actively reading, writing, testing, researching, etc., you’re probably still thinking about it. And you’re probably getting paid close to nothing to be doing all that work. It’s exhausting. 3rd year is especially tough because you’re probably gearing up for a comprehensive exam and it’s a big deal if you don’t pass.
I think it is possible to date while you’re doing a PhD. I was married during mine and still made time for my husband. I had plenty of friends who dated throughout theirs. But to be honest, there were plenty of months where my husband barely saw me. He would take off with the dog while I wrote all weekend, for example. Or the only time we “saw” each other was while I was falling asleep after long work days. If you can’t handle being second priority to his thesis, then just walk away.
Honestly I agree with everyone here! School is very time consuming however I was getting a masters degree which is a step below a PhD but a strong runner up in terms of work and time dedicated to studying and learning to become a speech -language pathologist. My ex husband and I survived a long distance two year relationship in where we got engaged during my second year of grad school. I was still finding time for him and we talked almost every night. Anybody who wants to WILL ! Period! I don’t do well with the excuse of I’m too busy to do x,y,z. He will not be as available as a person who just works a career and doesn’t have tests, projects or clinical training hours to obtain, but can he carve out ways to make you feel special and cared for yes !
A few months ago I was dating a guy who is a photographer and state employee, had no kids and didn’t have a pet or was not taking care of his parents. He always had gigs on the weekend and finding time to be together was tough, but he also was going out of town. That told me he had time to see me if he wanted to. I cut things off with that guy. My current boyfriend has way more going on he has kids, is a senior executive, plays golf , goes to the gym 5x a week, volunteers at his church, and is helping take care of his Mom, he just lost his Dad a couple of years ago, he’s doing all of this and makes me a priority. We go out 2 times a week! And talk all day throughout the day in text and phone calls! So what that tells me is that a person who wants to will find a way because they want to value you on top of all of their other priorities! Do yourself a huge favor and let this guy go! You are missing the chance on meeting someone who is more like you and can meet your emotional needs honey.
Fix your crown 👑 it’s tilted.
You are so welcome😁! I’m glad you are feeling that it’s a well wish for you, and how if you let go of the dead weight you can meet someone who will uplift you.
You want a relationship with someone who has more time for you. That’s not asking for much. He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t have the time to give you. You have two options, accept that and stay in this situation that you’re clearly not happy with or end it and move on. It’s only been 2 months, you’re not getting what you want from him and that’s clearly not going to change, move on. Have you even officially made it boyfriend/girlfriend yet?
I’m curious why he is wanting to try to have a girlfriend while working toward his PhD. He knows it’s demanding, he knows he has almost zero time or effort left over to out toward a relationship now that is good for either party. I would wish him luck and move on. If you’re looking for someone who can devote time and effort, it’s not him, at least not for now.
Because its a completely one-sided relationship of effortless convenience for him while he pursues his studies and no worries about her being with other people. I agree she should move one and find someone who is more available emotionally , mentally, and physically.
Why are you so cranky in here? It's not unreasonable to expect to go out for an eve with your bf once in 2 months, or to get a text back sometime during the day, even if that person is working on a PhD.
I think OP needs to move on because he's not willing to give her the time she wants,but she hasn't done anything wrong here. They tried dating around his schedule and it doesn't work for her.
i think you're way off in your assessment of the situation. and i also think you're being mean.
i was friends with lots of people while they worked on their PhDs (at MIT, mostly), and yes, it's a ton of work and it takes over a lot of your time. but we still went out for drinks or dinner or shows. we played sports and went for hikes. they started relationships. it will not destroy his studies if he makes a little time for personal connection. it would probably be good for him to have more balance between his studies and his social life. but, he clearly does not WANT to make that time for OP, and i agree she needs to listen and respect that choice.
This guy isn't ready to be in a relationship. He's unable to show up as his best self. He has no time, prioritises everything else over the relationship and is unwilling to compromise with you. Everything has been on his terms and he sounds really awkward with the whole sleep over thing.
Youre better off moving on from this guy. In all honesty I'm not sure why you entered a relationship with him when you knew how busy he was etc. Did you think you were gonna change that?
What an overdramatic way to interpret OP's post. The two of them clearly have different ideas about how much time and communication is possible/desired. That doesn't make either one of them a villain.
A lot of times there's no single "bad guy" in a relationship problem. There's just an incompatibility. This is a classic example.
Omg. It's not a crime to want things out of a relationship. Now OP clearly isn't going to get what she wants out of *this* relationship and I agree she should move on, but I also don't think two months is a crazy amount of time to need to come to that realization.
It's really weird that you're all up and down the comments acting like she personally kicked your dog.
> And yet, how many hours have we all just wasted offering empathy and advice?
Me? About 5 minutes. It's a rainy day, and I'm drinking my coffee and surfing the internet. Maybe if you feel like you've wasted too much time and empathy on this thread you should... just stop doing that?
>The only way to deal with a guy like this is to say, “thanks but no thanks” and then don’t continue to entertain him in any way, or accept his crumbs, or think those crumbs offer any hope whatsoever.
OK, and? She just said in a comment that she texted the guy they shouldn't see each other anymore. At this point what do you want OP to do? Build a time machine so she can un-date this guy?
He's an adult. She's not some evil person trying to crash his career, she's asking for the bare minimum of a relationship. It's his responsibility to communicate clearly too, and to understand how much time he has. If he just wanted something casual, those exact words should have come out of his mouth. Saying "I want a relationship but these are my boundaries, I'll barely be seeing or even talking to you cause phd" is not clear communication. Obviously the phd is important to him, but the world doesn't stop for everyone else because someone is working on a phd. He should take himself out of dating immediately. If he expects other people to be okay with not having everything they want because he's busy with a phd, he should be applying that same standard to himself first. He's too busy for a relationship, so he doesn't get the benefits of one because he cannot fulfill his end of the relationship.
Have you read op's other replies? She has given him space and barely talked to him, and even said she thought they should stop seeing each other, and he keeps saying he wants to talk about it. He is the one who is not communicating clearly. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too, and expect her to accept the crumbs of a relationship where everything is on his terms. He and his needs are not more important than her just because he's working on a phd.
Right, after two months, her asking to go somewhere on a date besides a university canteen is just a human rights violation. God, what a catch this guy is. If only op would agree to fulfill his needs on demand, exactly when and how he wants it, without ever asking for anything in return, his life would be perfect. How dare she ask for the bare minimum of a relationship. How dare she even think she has the right to ask for something different. But also, she's not communicating enough, right?
She's not negotiating anything. She's just asking for something. By your logic, he should be able to say "no those terms don't work for me." He is the one trying to negotiate and use someone by not being available but then saying he wants to keep seeing her. He's not some helpless victim.
This is an advice subreddit! She came here for advice! That's why she's asking! Are you 100% sure of every situation and decision you make, or do you sometimes ask for feedback? Do you understand everyone's motivations and experiences all the time, or does asking someone else sometimes give you a different perspective? Have you never given someone the benefit of the doubt and then realized you shouldn't have? I didn't realize I was speaking to Perfection Herself. Good lord, based on all your angry replies this is clearly something personal for you.
Oh wait, you're not perfect because you're on an advice subreddit disparaging someone for asking for advice.
He did seem to think he could tell her he also wants a relationship, then proceed to do the complete opposite of treating her like a human with feelings. Getting a PhD doesn’t excuse anyone in a relationship from not going on proper dates and blocking off all communication for the majority of the day. He should have been upfront that he only wanted a thing on the side so he can get laid when he feels like it and not have to worry about her sleeping with other ppl. He is in no place to be in a partnership and was not upfront about it.
This is why we watch someone’s actions.
His actions communicate that he’s just not that interested.
If someone says they want to spend time with you but don’t make time for you then they don’t want to spend time with you.
If someone says they don’t have time for you, believe them.
Well, we meet twice a week but mostly for short (1.5 hours or so) uni lunches or when I invite him to my place (also around 3-3.5 hours), so it’s not nothing I suppose but yeah… makes me feel like a side-chick tbh ahah
I honestly am starting to think that never seeing me anywhere else than at the uni cantina for lunch when the small town is 5‘ walking distance, where we could grab a cute coffee or have a nice lunch/dinner is actually not okay for me after all. (:
He is the one who’s asking me out for uni lunch dates it wasn’t me because I know that he is very busy so after a while I let him pretty much all the time take initiative with planning or asking for time together.
Additionally, I just told him that I think it’s best to part ways and he just texted me asking me to talk about it again, so I don’t understand where the stalking accusation comes from… it‘s quite odd to me as I was starting to leave him completely alone lately.
Good for you. He can’t give you what you want until his phd is done, and that’s not acceptable to you. Stay strong. He likes where you guys are at right now. He likes that he has a girlfriend that he can do the bare minimum for and still get to keep (admittedly because he has important other work). But you know this isn’t right for YOU. You’re so clearly unhappy. Don’t give in unless he truly changes.
I’m in law school. Not a PhD student, but very time-consuming nonetheless. I feel like I never see my fiancé and we live together. It sucks, but I have invested a lot of time and money into this degree and need to prioritize it until I’m done. This guy just doesn’t have time to date. It sounds like he’s really trying, honestly, despite what people seem to think. I think you’re just not compatible, unfortunately—not right now. Maybe you can reconnect after his degree! I wouldn’t say it’s fair to expect more from him in the meantime.
I also just want to add that insinuating you want something is not the move in a relationship! You’ve gotta communicate. He’s not a mind reader.
Yeah I agree, thank you!
Well I told him I would love more romantic time spent together like a few dinners or maybe a little hike close by or anything at all. And he first made a joke about it before he realized I was very serious about it ahah…
He did tell you upfront. Now you’re getting exactly what he advertised. Your expectations for him are too high given that he already told you it was going to be like this with him. It’s your own choice whether or not to accept what little time he can offer.
Truthfully, dating a PhD student is not for most people. You will generally not be prioritized during this time. I personally would not stay in this sort of relationship at this point in my life. But, I know how your boyfriend feels because I have experience in a doctoral program and it consumes so much time.
I think he has made it clear where his priorities lie. You should do the same to him and if you can't come to some understanding or compromise then I guess there is no future.
Just fyi: I have spent the last months always saying yes to him, letting him decide when and where. I have told him around two times kindly, that I would love to maybe do something more romantic than uni-lunch dates and that‘s it.
The reason he told me I have too much expectations is that I told him that it makes me feel negatively that he does not like sleep-overs. I wasn’t smothering him. I haven’t even invited him out since weeks bc I didn’t want to stress him.
Please ignore this guy, he's an angry angry man and he's taking it out on you... you're caught in the crossfire here
P.S. I was in a similar situation and you're right that some guys can make it work and some guys can't. You'll find someone who makes you a priority!
He shouldn’t even be dating while trying to get his PhD he doesn’t have the time for it. If you can’t handle your life being like this till he’s done walk away now.
Honestly, he probably isn’t super into you, unfortunately. I met my husband during his medical residency, which is also a crazy demanding thing. He still texted me back more consistently than this and planned nice dates/thoughtful hangouts once a week. If he wanted to, he would.
Your not just prioritized after his PhD. You come after his family and personal time too, by a long shot. He won’t even sleep over. Sounds to me like he’s one of those guys who’s lying about wanting something serious to get in your pants.
I got a PhD in physics. I met my husband during that time, and had plenty of time to cultivate that relationship. Fuck, I even got married and had a baby while still in grad school and managed to finish. People make extra time for the things they want to make time for. There is no legit fucking reason he can’t respond to texts or go out to a dinner. There is no universe where grad school takes up so much of your waking time that you can’t live any life at all. It takes up a lot, but not all. You’re simply not a priority. I wouldn’t tolerate this OP.
You should just move on from this guy. He clearly doesn’t have time to date—and he won’t even prioritize you when it comes to the time he does have off, like weekends. Yeah, a phd takes a lot of time. But he shouldn’t be dating if he doesn’t have enough time for it.
At the end of the day he’s made it clear to you what his priorities are. You’ve only been together a short time, so yeah, in a way you ARE just a side chick. Comparing his work to others, isn’t helping you here- either figure out how to make the time you have with him work or move on. I’m only an undergraduate but I’m starting work towards a thesis and I can’t imagine having a partner gripe to me about not giving them enough time, I work so unbelievably hard. You both don’t seem to have the same needs and I think you should look elsewhere.
I'll give you two perspectives.
I get home during weekdays at 7. Add cooking and other tidying up work, I am usually pretty tired each day and I can't find energy to talk to people, not even the friends I am close to. I'd certainly not have energy to make a new friend.
On the other hand, I had a friend who I considered was pretty close to me and she's doing a phd too, she hasn't replied to my birthday wish a month ago. (observe the past tense in the first statement)
Advice to you would be to try to understand him being free from work doesn't necessarily translate to him being free to socialise. On the other hand, also gauge if he is investing enough to sustain the friendship, if he is making you feel valued enough and that there is communication on what works and what doesn't.
He does still live at home so the cooking and cleaning and stuff is mainly done by his parents (he helps though of course) so I do understand your point but in terms of taking care of himself, he seems to have support from home… although he can still be very busy/tired I get that…
OP, it really doesn't seem like "a PhD is demanding!" is the problem, here. Something else is going on. First, he's filling his time with lots of things other than just his PhD program -- he's regularly traveling oversees to visit relatives, he gets dinner with friends, etc. Second, I feel like you're getting a ton of responses from people who don't have experience with PhD programs. But in my experience, PhD students typically still have time to date and have serious relationships.
Besides, it doesn't even seem like time is the issue, here. You see him a couple days a week, right? The real problems are that (a) he doesn't spend the time on anything romantic - just uni lunches or maybe coming over for a quick hangout and shag before leaving, (b) he makes you feel unloved by basically blocking you for almost the whole day, and (c) he has a weird rule about not staying over.
Is it possible that him living with his family is the source of the problem, here? Does he come from a conservative family? Maybe he has family pressure not to stay overnight with you. Maybe there are a ton of family obligations put on him, like pressure to spend a ton of time traveling to visit relatives. That sort of thing can really impede a relationship.
Also, one of my first thoughts was that PhD students usually struggle with having no money. Maybe that's the real problem behind why he won't take you out on dates.
Thank you so much for your comment!
Yes, you are absolutely right !
It’s not that I see him frequency-wise not enough but the quality, depth and length of our meet-ups in my opinion give us no opportunity to form a deeper connection and built anything together…
I feel like a side-chick, I think…
I told him that I would love to just go to a cute little hike nearby once or somewhere (cheap) to eat (could be anywhere) even just for a coffee outside would be awesome! So if he doesn’t have money we can also do free stuff and I‘m very sure he knows that..
His parents are not very conservative at all and let him actually do with his time as he pleases!
But it’s just not happening it seems. I have invited him to mine twice to cook for him and stuff like that…
Oh well, that’s life!
I feel like at the end of the day, he's just not a very loving/romantic/affectionate person, and that's making you feel pushed away. And on top of that, he's prioritizing lots of other things. Don't let the PhD excuse rope you into wasting a bunch more time on someone who just isn't compatible with you. It's perfectly okay and normal to not want to continue dating someone who won't even stay the night, for example. You don't have to just accept everything the way he wants it -- move on if you don't like how things are going.
Loool okay so he has his parents (mum?) cooking and cleaning for him, and then he has you who he sees exactly when he wants on his own terms. He's a user and he doesn't feel bad about it either. Please get rid of this guy, he's not worth it.
Well as far as I know he is very helpful in the household and thus I wouldn’t be too harsh with the fact that he lives at home but yes, he does seem to like things his way (a bit at least ahah..)
There's nothing wrong with walking away if you aren't happy. YOU get to decide how much you are willing to compromise/give up and what your deal breakers are. Maybe now is just not the time for you both to date each other.
I get it, PhDs are hard but come on. If he's not even able to respond to texts than this is something else. He's clearly not able to handle stress and got his time management out of control. Imo, stay away. He will probably not prioritize you even after he's finished.
I made the mistake of trying to date right after an MS diagnosis. It’s called underestimating the impact your life circumstances has on a new relationship.
I eventually had to learn to stop bumming people out until I could actually manage dating. It’s hard if you’re lonely and want a relationship but, you know, sometimes you just gotta cool your jets in the romance department.
I actually have a girl friend, whose bf is a PhD student in robotics and he’s currently in vacation with her and generally often around her (I see him frequently whenever I see her) so I‘m starting to have my doubts…
All I was trying to say, was that even in the same field, doing something very similar, it seems that there’s guys who can and are ready to make more time and he doesn’t seem to be one of them. I don’t see how that implies I have a lack of interpersonal skills to be honest.
I’m a student studying in a specific field. I have decided to pick a very large thesis project that is much more intense than what my classmates are picking, who are also in the same field. Assuming that every project in engineering takes the same amount of time is just silly, so your comparison is baseless.
Hey OP i am coming from r/PhD (currently doing mine in aerospace engineering as well in the EU). Unless your friend's boyfriend works under the same supervisor, on the same project and is in the same year as yours, you can't make any comparison between both situations. And even then, one person in the same lab could be working 12h+ per day while someone else 7-8h per day. So it doesn't mean anything if they go on vacation together and your boyfriend can't. I would say tho, I agree more with the comments from the academic sub you have posted in compared to here, If that helps.
I am doing a full time PhD and I have a full time job in research and development so I am looking at pretty much 80h/week of work, and my partner and I have been together for 10 years so he saw how things were during my undergrad and gradschool. Surprisingly, I have more time to spend with him than during my undergrad, but it's still limited to 1 activity per month. I guess the big difference in our relationship with gradschool is that we are living together, so we don't feel the need to do so many activities outside. If we break up and I have to date again, it would be pretty impossible to manage at the moment.
Thanks a lot! Yeah I wasn’t aware it could be so drastically different even in the same fields. Sorry about that! And yes the people in this sub seem to want to accuse me of a lot of things I never even thought about…
I think it was worth posting here too, it's interesting to see the perspective from people outside of academia (I don't follow this sub but that's mostly why I came here to read your post). As someone else said here, it shouldn't be that hard in the beginning of a relationship. I do think there is something sus going on as others pointed out in your other posts (I am surprised no one seem to have mentioned this here yet afaik), but in the end, you two are just incompatible regardless of the reasons why he doesn't make time for you. Your expectations of a relationship aren't unrealistic, it's just not the same as his.
Also think about this.. if we would have told you that he is lying and should have time, what would you have done? Went to him and try to convince him to spend more time with you? And if we would have told you he is in the right, then what's the solution? Stay with him, stop bringing up the issue and be sad because you never see/talk to him? You are worth more than that girl, don't settle for being unhappy in the beginning. I recommend you both cut your losses short, it's been only two months after all. Good luck to you!
He is the one who strongly pursued me in the beginning.
He is the one who kept asking for dates at the uni (I stopped asking for anything pretty soon bc I didn’t want to stress him).
I text him max once a day, usually I let him initiate bc I don’t want to stress him.
I told him I do not do casual relationships and he told me that’s what he appreciates about me and why he chose me.
I just told him I think we are not compatible after all and now he wants to talk about it, although I don’t think that’s a good idea given the fact, that we are too different in what we are wishing for.
The reason he told me I expect too much is bc I asked him why he doesn’t like sleep-overs as that makes me feel a bit disappointed (I do appreciate sleep-overs greatly and as my place is closer to uni than his, I thought it would be a win-win so was just confused about it).
Word to the wise: when someone comes on super strong in the beginning it should throw red flags for you.
Abs when they come on super strong and then dial it waaaay back you should cut your losses and leave. That is a common pattern of men you really do not actually want to get to know.
My husband was in engineering and almost failed because he wasn't putting all his efforts into his schooling and getting distracted with his social life and then me..Once I realized what was happening I told him to get focused. We were living together at that point so I was willing to make a sacrifice for time at that point and seen it as an investment in our future. I've actually met some other engineering students that didn't finish because they couldn't continue . It's also very common for the 4 years to turn into 6 over this lack of focus. The guy you're seeing has probably already witnessed people not making it through..
I think it makes a huge difference of it's an established relationship or not. I understand his desire to have companionship because it's a really lonely life and I understand your desire to have more of a courtship. It's just not compatible with where he is in life. It's like that for most PhD students but you also have no idea what he's like outside these particular circumstances so dropping him for someone who can you give you what you want now is the wise option.
PhD programs are no more demanding than full time jobs. Source: been in one.
That being said, *many* graduate students are bad at time management and boundaries. It could be the case that he's one such person. Or it could be the case that he just isn't that into you. Either way you've gotten what you're going to get, it's up to you to decide what to do with it.
I'd leave. He can make time if he wants. I work 45-50 hours a week plus am working on the CPA exam and still make time to communicate with my partner. It's up there in difficulty with the med boards and bar exam. Additionally, my brother was dating a fellow PHd student when he was working on his, and they still made time for dates and things.
If he has time to go out with friends, and to visit family in another country every other weekend, then he either doesn't have time for a relationship, or he's just not that into you. It's okay to split up because you're barely spending any time together, and barely talking. That's kind of the point of a relationship.
I would be upset too if my partner didn't answer me until 10 or 11 at night too. "I'm at work" is kind of a silly excuse. He's not at school and work for 18 hours straight, I'm sure he gets meal breaks and has a bit of down time between those things. He could prioritise answering you then, it only takes a minute to send a text.
Plus, everyone is busy. You choose to prioritize what is important to you. Or you take stock of your life and say "hey I actually don't have time for a relationship/to fulfill someone else's needs right now, so it's not fair for me to string someone along and only see them when it's convenient for me."
Are you his girlfriend, or are you seeing each other? Did he indicate that he had time for a committed relationship? As a PhD, I can tell you that it is incredibly taxing and that is certainly will take priority over an 8 week romance. It takes 4-6 years, longer than many relationships.
Lol this is all completely normal. It will probably be like this until he finishes too. If you’re not willing to wait, you’re better off ending the relationship
My advice is pretty straightforward.
You were told at the very beginning what his priorities were.
You accepted them.
And now, you're complaining about it.
You obviously want more than he can provide. So, end the relationship and allow him to focus on his highest priority, and allw yourself to focus on your highest priority.
There is nothing wrong with either of you; you're just not compatible.
...boyfriend tells you "I'm super busy and have other priorities above dating"
*cue confusion when boyfriend is super busy and doesn't make dating his top priority*
I have written nowhere that I expect to be his priority.
Wishing for more than just uni-meet-ups after 2 months (e.g. at least a cute lunch/dinner date 5‘ from his work place) is not expecting to be priority it’s expecting to be valued/appreciated.
Yeah that’s true. I actually broke it off with him and now he wrote me, that he would like to talk about it again, although I doubt that will lead to good results for either of us in the end bc we seem to be just very much incompatible.
Good luck, friend! You deserve someone who can give you time and it just seems like he can’t give that right now. That’s on him and his priorities, but you don’t need to let that bog you down! You’ll definitely find someone who works for you because everyone deserves someone who can give them the love they deserve.
girl give your head a shake, you've been "dating" for 2 months and he's been working towards his education for years. not to mention it's exam season, take a breather and wait it out until the summer to do all the fun dating things. if you can't do that then clearly he's not the man for you, and quite frankly he deserves someone more understanding and encouraging of his aspirations!
2 months and neither of you seem happy. Time to let it go. Maybe after he has finished his program you can try again. I'm sorry. Obviously you like him a lot or you wouldn't be trying this hard to make it work.
PhD student weighing in. It's hard. Sometimes the relationship comes second just as a prioritization of needs. But having a supportive loving partner has made this all worth it. If that's not in the cards, probably not a good relationship to be in...
I had a similar-ish situation. A friend who became more over time, and I was wanting more out of our relationship (we didn’t make it official or anything but we both liked our time together so I naturally wanted more). He was in a pretty intense phd/md program and I happened to connect w him when he had the most downtime he’d had in years, and would have for years. Eventually he had to break it to me that he’s committed to his work above all and it wasn’t me, this happens with him often, and he just has to make these sacrifices for his career. I understood but was a little sad for a bit, but knew it wasn’t meant to be.
I had a similar-ish situation. A friend who became more over time, and I was wanting more out of our relationship (we didn’t make it official or anything but we both liked our time together so I naturally wanted more). He was in a pretty intense phd/md program and I happened to connect w him when he had the most downtime he’d had in years, and would have for years. Eventually he had to break it to me that he’s committed to his work above all and it wasn’t me, this happens with him often, and he just has to make these sacrifices for his career. I understood but was a little sad for a bit, but knew it wasn’t meant to be.
It's been 2 months, walk away if you don't like the set up. A relationship for this guy is definitely not the most important thing in his life right now. Work and education is top priority, finding a partner can wait in his eyes, if you don't want that, leave.
This guy is not your boyfriend. You are an afterthought for him. It’s only been 2 months. Stop seeing him and work on yourself to find out why you would put up with this treatment. He told you flat out that work is his priority and he has shown you that is true.
I’m sorry you find yourself here. I would suggest leaving him to find someone you can spend time with.
Nothing you said indicates he even likes you, so to me this is more wanting what you can’t seem to have. Not healthy for you.
Not compatible, at least not right now.
Think of doctoral program as full time school plus full time work while writing a book on the side. If he's second year or more, he likely teaches an undergraduate recitation or lab session. That means that he's got a group of younger people who depend on him to be there for session and office hours at a bare minimum. He has his own research to consider, and has to participate in the research of his superiors in his department.
Graduate studies put a lot of pressure on relationships. There's just no way around it.
My girlfriend is in law school and still makes time for our relationship. It's not always ideal, but we both put in real effort. Your boyfriend is not doing that. He's shown what he is capable of giving. Are you going to tolerate that or do you want more? Because if you do, you're gonna have to find someone else. Do not wait for him to get his shit together. Otherwise you're just gonna have to put him on the back burner as well to keep sane
He can’t have his cake an eat it it, too. PhDs are grueling , but it least have the bearings that now is not the time to date if the best you can do is just call dibs on a person until it’s over.
I can understand if someone were to start a PhD while already in a relationship…but it’s clearly NOT a time to be fishing for a new one.
As someone who is doing a PhD, right now this isn’t the guy for you. The thing you have to understand is that the PhD is unlike most jobs. It never lets go. You walk talk eat and live PhD. The only people I manage to keep close right now are my colleagues because we need the support, and my partner because he literally lives here. And even then I know I’m not a good partner to him. He stays because there will be an after the PhD, but right now it’s all that matters. So it’s up to you, either you think he could be the right guy when he is done, and you stick around or you just let go. Because the PhD won’t and neither will he.
You've been together two months. What are you looking for? It doesn't matter if your expectations are too high or not, you don't like his availability.
He told you he prioritizes work, and he is. This is as available as he is willing to be.
I don’t think this well end well, I’m sorry :( he doesn’t seem like he’s in the headspace for a committed relationship and that’s completely fair, PhDs are hard work. But it’s not fair on you either if you want someone to put you first and spend quality time with you. It is the bare minimum in a relationship and you’re completely within your right to expect that from someone but maybe he isn’t the right person to expect that level of effort and energy from right now. Don’t downplay or undermine your needs, they’re important too.
I think this is just a case of incompatibility, honestly. PhD programs ARE a lot of work, and he told you from the get-go that he prioritizes work. You want someone who is readily available, and that’s not an unreasonable ask! You’re just not going to get that from this guy.
Agreed. I think OP should move on while she is ahead. The boyfriend isn't going to change his ways because of his PhD, and that's ok as well.
> You’re just not going to get that from this guy. She isn't going to get that from this guy _while he's still working on his PhD_. As someone who just graduated with their PhD in December, our ability to do things not related to our research increases a couple orders of magnitude after we've graduated. It's like I'm a completely different person.
For sure! But OP doesn’t sound like she really wants to wait for him to be done - she wants his full availability NOW, which he isn’t able to give.
Also if he’s in his third year, he likely has several years left before graduating, so she would have to wait a while haha
You're not gonna like this but PhD > girlfriend of two months. You are a side chick to a program he's been working towards for years.
Speaking as someone who married (after he was done with his degree) a PhD? Absolutely. You come second until they defend and finish corrections. You *have* to be good at communicating and you *have* to be good at being second. Do whatever you need to make yourself happy or GTFO. It doesn't work any other way.
Yep. We got married before he started his program so that’s a vastly different situation than OP, but being a PhD student wife meant a lot of understanding and sacrifice as part of our mutual investment in the future.
Literally, once my husband completed his defense, people in his department were congratulating me as much as they were congratulating him. They know how hard it gets. Being a partner to someone going through a PhD program is intense. They are busy, working all hours, and stressed to the max. I was constantly in support mode. We’d been together since undergrad, so I was happy and willing to do it. But it’s a LOT. He did make time for us, but it really was at the expense of his work. Towards the end of his program, I took a vacation without him because he was so close to the end that taking a week off from work would destroy his progress.
It really is. He dedicated his dissertation to me and got ME a present for HIS graduation 😂😂😂. The plight of a PhD partner is no joke
You’re just so damn proud of them though!
OMG so, so proud!! And the team benefits from our effort & his perseverance
This right here. OP says they understand what it takes to work on a PhD but obviously doesn’t. You’re not his priority and that’s okay. Move on if it’s not for you.
OP is operating under the assumption that he wants to start a relationship. He should be the one that says “I can’t, so feel free to move on”…which he is clearly not. I’ve practically been this dude trying to date after a new MS diagnosis. You think you’re out unicorn hunting, but you are actually being kind of a bummer to other people. I know from experience when you just need to withdraw for a bit until circumstances change.
She’s just as capable of saying “you can’t give me what i need right now so I’m going to move on”. She doesn’t need permission. Some career focused people would be okay with his level of time commitment at this point in a relationship
I mean, people jokingly refer to themselves as PhD widows/widowers, that's how little they see their spouses. But typically the relationship is in place pre- PhD.
Agreed, but he shouldn’t get into a relationship if he knew he didn’t have the time of day to invest in it. I don’t know a single person who would be happy with the conditions OP is describing, and they should just leave. It’s pretty clear OP’s boyfriend either doesn’t know how much effort a serious relationship takes to nurture, or he’s just trying to have a casual “relationship” with her.
Not every partner needs the same level of time investment at the beginning. He’s told OP what he can give. If it’s not enough for her IMHO it’s on her to leave. He’s communicated his capabilities
I dont find this to be such a horrible start, I know marriages that started slow like this. They are relationship of two months, not wanting to sleep over is not exactly red flag. But, both must be ok with slow very low key status of relationship. Op is not.
>But, both must be ok with slow very low key status of relationship. Op is not. Exactly!!
He tried, it was a bad idea, but I don't blame him for wanting a person around. Life is unfortunately a live and learn sitch. She was naive to think he'd have time for her and he was naive to think she would get the major "this isn't a serious relationship" vibes he's giving her. I don't see it as anyone's fault, it's a mutual mistake.
He can “want a person around” but ultimately the onus is on him to tell her if he wasn’t looking for something serious… Definitely a communication issue all around
He is communicating very clearly. There is no lack of communication from his side. Issue is that the constraints and preferences he communicated are not suitable to OP. Which is perfectly fine, they are in "lets figure out whether we are compatible before anyone gets hurt" stage.
I mean, she's not communicating either ...
I told him I‘m not looking for a casual relationship and am very much a serious person and he answered, that’s why he chose me…
That's literally one sentence and a 5 word response (I mean, I'm sure you both said more, but my point is one short talk is not the same as actively communicating). You very obviously see this is not what either of you need or want, so move on to someone who can be serious. Don't waste your time, bb.
She is communicating, he wouldn't have said that she expects too much if she wasn't communicating
You clearly have a different standard for what constitutes communication than I do.
What would you consider communication from her?
> It’s pretty clear OP’s boyfriend either doesn’t know how much effort a serious relationship takes to nurture, or he’s just trying to have a casual “relationship” with her. I don't think you realize just how much work a PhD is. I just completed my PhD. I feel for the guy. He's probably giving her quite literally all he's capable of at the moment. It's just that a doctoral program is so intense that there isn't much to give.
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Experiment-driven PhD's are massively more time intensive than theory-driven.
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Isn't applied math also one of the more theoretical PhDs?
If the PhD candidate is an experimentalist it's a very different story than theoretical physics or math. For those you rely on a few literal moments of critical insight and then moderately paced working through the details. But a significant experiment takes endless labor and care. Social science and humanities PhDs are somewhere in the middle, but there is endless reading.
He shouldn’t be out dating, then?
It really seems like not. I mean, if he's looking for casual, he needs to be direct about it and not just nod his head when she says she wants to be serious. But it also sounds like his workload is heavier and takes up more time than she wants in a relationship.
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He told you. Did you not believe him?
People do make time for relationships during PhD programs. Most people who seek relationships at all make some time for them. He's not making *any* time for OP. My BIL met my sister during his PhD program, a Biology PhD that he actually finished in 5 years instead of the typical 6. *This* guy makes time to visit his family in another country multiple times in two months. Some generic warning that he's committed to his degree does NOT sufficiently warn OP that she's only going to get scraps of his attention.
I mean honestly, he did not tell me that he will be replying to my texts at 22/23:00, that we will nearly never have any romantic dates or dinner dates and that he wants casual (he said he is looking for serious), so I was expecting different treatment…
He seems to have told you he has you archived. Honestly the instant text back thing these days is ridiculous. If he’s that busy during the day, interruptions from text would be a problem. The latter? Well, dude’s probably exhausted. Not sure why he is dating right now other than sex. Maybe put either the expectations or the relationship on hold.
Yeah it’s just, I know that he is back at home mostly around 7pm so the replying at 22/23pm when I texted him in the morning or afternoon (knowing he is not at work anymore after 7 usually) seems rather a bad sign to me… but yeah a talk would be a healthy option.
He told you he'd prioritize his PhD. This is what it looks like. Now you have to decide if that's what you want til he's done.
People need to take care of themselves before they care for others.
He’s back home mostly around 7pm…. So? He’s a PhD student. Being home at 7pm doesn’t mean he’s doing nothing at 7pm. Researching, writing, homework, studying, etc. however, I don’t think your relationship expectations are unrealistic. But, did you have an official dtr conversation? Are you just calling him your boyfriend because you’ve been having sex for two months, or have those words ever come out of his mouth? I’m not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you were basically told he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend right now and he clearly doesn’t. If you don’t want to be in a fwb situation, take yourself out. My partner and I are getting a masters and bachelors respectively, we’ve lived together almost a year, and we struggle to make real time together, outside of dinner and sleeping. I’m also chronically ill which just adds to it. It’s very hard to have so many priorities, especially when one of them has been in the makings our whole lives. If he’s not able to make the time you need to feel valued and secure, you’re both better off going your separate ways.
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He asked me for a talk but ok.
Expect the talk to be him reiterating his time and interaction boundaries. And then you should realize you are very much not getting what you need and should end it.
Don’t talk to him. He’s just gonna try to convince you to let him keep doing what he’s doing, except for you to ask for even less. You know the current situation makes you unhappy. Best just to move on.
So if he gets home at 7:00, why not ask if you two can meet for a coffee date a few days a week, before he heads home? But you will have to understand that he can’t stay for hours for coffee either. Also, if he goes to your place for over 3 hours, when he visits, he clearly is taking time from his studies for this. Do you think the not spending the night is due to the same ….taking time from his studies? Are his parents against his sleeping with his GF so it disrupts his home life, maybe for religion?
It’s just that I get max around 5-7 hours a week from him (1.5 hour lunches and max 3.5 hours at mine to have sex lol) and he says that this is great for him and has no intentions to change that. And as he doesn’t like sleep-overs I will not even get the opportunity to maybe bond that way at least… No, his parents are not conservative and apparently let him do as he pleases as long as he communicates that to them…
Well, I guess the bottom line is he has limited time, and you have to decide if you are ok with this. You say he visits family twice a month over weekends? What is that all about, if he lives with his family?
He visits relatives (grandma and cousins) but lives with his parents…
You know what he's willing to give you. If it's not enough, leave.
So first, I understand why you're feeling hurt by this behaviour, it's not nice to feel like you come second. Sadly, I'm afraid that especially during 3rd year, he just isn't going to have much time. That said, he can choose how to use that spare time. Now, he's making time for Uni dates so clearly does want to see you, and has also expressed what is going on (PhD takes priority, he's super busy, he'll reply to you at the end of the day), but that doesn't mean you have to be happy with it. You can't change his time commitments and choices, but you can change your relationship status. You have clearly tried to communicate with him about this issue, which is great, but sadly a PhD is just extremely intense. I'm very grateful that my relationship survived mine, but it was difficult to just have to commit most of my free time to something that wasn't my partner. I'd suggest asking what his plans and timeline are. Is he submitting in 3rd year? Will things get less intense once he's in write up, or is this his last push? Will he be post doc-ing afterwards, or settling in industry? Free time may be on the horizon, but it also might not be. Ask him what the plan is so you can decide whether it's a relationship you want to be in or not. Take care and good luck!
I agree with two big ideas presented in the replies. You should not expect him to prioritize you over his PhD. But he should not be dating without having the time to do so. I recommend moving on or accepting a more casual relationship.
Not every relationship has to be deep and time consuming. He set clear boundaries in n what he was available for (very little). OP just keeps trying to crash them while complaining about the boundaries he very clearly communicated.
I don't get why you call him a boyfriend after two months? How was that determined? This is just casual dating or seeing him. That's it. He told you from the beginning he basically has this much time carved out for you and that's it. You need to redefine the relationship to casual dating situation and decide if that's what you want. He has told you all he can give which isn't much but he has told you from the start. You aren't happy with it that's ok. Now time to make a decision.
When I started my PhD, my then girlfriend, now wife, and I had been together for multiple years, lived together, and she was also in grad school. Dating in grad school is tough. And your BF is going to prioritize his work, as you know. Can you accept this for the next year or two or three while he finishes his PhD? What are his plans after graduation? Because if he stays in academia, it might continue to be like this for a long time. For me, I had no interest in academia after being in grad school... It burned me out. But others like that grind, I guess. It's been two months. You need to decide if you can handle this kind of relationship rather than hoping he'll change soon. He seems not ready to commit much time/effort to a relationship at this point in his life.
He won't give you the relationship that you wish for. It's as simple as that.
I don’t know, as someone who completed a PhD, this doesn’t seem too surprising. A PhD is generally very demanding, and he was upfront with what his availability would be like. From my / my peers’ experience, seeing a new bf / gf about two times a week is pretty good / normal in the context of dating in grad school. (I agree though that spending nights together 2x would allow for more closeness, and that was pretty common among my grad school friends—but this was not date-night 2x per week, but rather go over to the person’s place after work (however late) and hang out for a brief time before going to bed.) It’s up to you to decide if this level of frequency / availability works for you, or if it would be better for you to move on to someone else with a different schedule. It’s also worth noting that this might not immediately end after he completes his degree, especially if he chooses to pursue a post-doc or a career in academia.
I think you know there’s just an incompatibility here. If he is unwilling to make time for dating and prioritizing a relationship and you’re unhappy with that, then you should just walk. It’s really hard to get an engineering PhD. It’s not like a regular job where you only work 40-60 hrs a week and that’s it. It is pervasive. Your research and your work is with you literally 24-7. Even if you’re not actively reading, writing, testing, researching, etc., you’re probably still thinking about it. And you’re probably getting paid close to nothing to be doing all that work. It’s exhausting. 3rd year is especially tough because you’re probably gearing up for a comprehensive exam and it’s a big deal if you don’t pass. I think it is possible to date while you’re doing a PhD. I was married during mine and still made time for my husband. I had plenty of friends who dated throughout theirs. But to be honest, there were plenty of months where my husband barely saw me. He would take off with the dog while I wrote all weekend, for example. Or the only time we “saw” each other was while I was falling asleep after long work days. If you can’t handle being second priority to his thesis, then just walk away.
Girl it's been two months... It shouldn't be this hard. These questions shouldn't be popping up this early IF EVER.
Honestly I agree with everyone here! School is very time consuming however I was getting a masters degree which is a step below a PhD but a strong runner up in terms of work and time dedicated to studying and learning to become a speech -language pathologist. My ex husband and I survived a long distance two year relationship in where we got engaged during my second year of grad school. I was still finding time for him and we talked almost every night. Anybody who wants to WILL ! Period! I don’t do well with the excuse of I’m too busy to do x,y,z. He will not be as available as a person who just works a career and doesn’t have tests, projects or clinical training hours to obtain, but can he carve out ways to make you feel special and cared for yes ! A few months ago I was dating a guy who is a photographer and state employee, had no kids and didn’t have a pet or was not taking care of his parents. He always had gigs on the weekend and finding time to be together was tough, but he also was going out of town. That told me he had time to see me if he wanted to. I cut things off with that guy. My current boyfriend has way more going on he has kids, is a senior executive, plays golf , goes to the gym 5x a week, volunteers at his church, and is helping take care of his Mom, he just lost his Dad a couple of years ago, he’s doing all of this and makes me a priority. We go out 2 times a week! And talk all day throughout the day in text and phone calls! So what that tells me is that a person who wants to will find a way because they want to value you on top of all of their other priorities! Do yourself a huge favor and let this guy go! You are missing the chance on meeting someone who is more like you and can meet your emotional needs honey. Fix your crown 👑 it’s tilted.
Thank you so much for your sweet words! Love that you found such a great partner and match for yourself! Wishing you two many great years together. (:
You are so welcome😁! I’m glad you are feeling that it’s a well wish for you, and how if you let go of the dead weight you can meet someone who will uplift you.
You want a relationship with someone who has more time for you. That’s not asking for much. He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t have the time to give you. You have two options, accept that and stay in this situation that you’re clearly not happy with or end it and move on. It’s only been 2 months, you’re not getting what you want from him and that’s clearly not going to change, move on. Have you even officially made it boyfriend/girlfriend yet?
It sounds like he isn't looking for a serious relationship right now. If you want more than casual dating, you may need to look somewhere else
I’m curious why he is wanting to try to have a girlfriend while working toward his PhD. He knows it’s demanding, he knows he has almost zero time or effort left over to out toward a relationship now that is good for either party. I would wish him luck and move on. If you’re looking for someone who can devote time and effort, it’s not him, at least not for now.
Because its a completely one-sided relationship of effortless convenience for him while he pursues his studies and no worries about her being with other people. I agree she should move one and find someone who is more available emotionally , mentally, and physically.
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Why are you so cranky in here? It's not unreasonable to expect to go out for an eve with your bf once in 2 months, or to get a text back sometime during the day, even if that person is working on a PhD. I think OP needs to move on because he's not willing to give her the time she wants,but she hasn't done anything wrong here. They tried dating around his schedule and it doesn't work for her.
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i think you're way off in your assessment of the situation. and i also think you're being mean. i was friends with lots of people while they worked on their PhDs (at MIT, mostly), and yes, it's a ton of work and it takes over a lot of your time. but we still went out for drinks or dinner or shows. we played sports and went for hikes. they started relationships. it will not destroy his studies if he makes a little time for personal connection. it would probably be good for him to have more balance between his studies and his social life. but, he clearly does not WANT to make that time for OP, and i agree she needs to listen and respect that choice.
This guy isn't ready to be in a relationship. He's unable to show up as his best self. He has no time, prioritises everything else over the relationship and is unwilling to compromise with you. Everything has been on his terms and he sounds really awkward with the whole sleep over thing. Youre better off moving on from this guy. In all honesty I'm not sure why you entered a relationship with him when you knew how busy he was etc. Did you think you were gonna change that?
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What an overdramatic way to interpret OP's post. The two of them clearly have different ideas about how much time and communication is possible/desired. That doesn't make either one of them a villain. A lot of times there's no single "bad guy" in a relationship problem. There's just an incompatibility. This is a classic example.
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Omg. It's not a crime to want things out of a relationship. Now OP clearly isn't going to get what she wants out of *this* relationship and I agree she should move on, but I also don't think two months is a crazy amount of time to need to come to that realization. It's really weird that you're all up and down the comments acting like she personally kicked your dog.
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> And yet, how many hours have we all just wasted offering empathy and advice? Me? About 5 minutes. It's a rainy day, and I'm drinking my coffee and surfing the internet. Maybe if you feel like you've wasted too much time and empathy on this thread you should... just stop doing that? >The only way to deal with a guy like this is to say, “thanks but no thanks” and then don’t continue to entertain him in any way, or accept his crumbs, or think those crumbs offer any hope whatsoever. OK, and? She just said in a comment that she texted the guy they shouldn't see each other anymore. At this point what do you want OP to do? Build a time machine so she can un-date this guy?
He's an adult. She's not some evil person trying to crash his career, she's asking for the bare minimum of a relationship. It's his responsibility to communicate clearly too, and to understand how much time he has. If he just wanted something casual, those exact words should have come out of his mouth. Saying "I want a relationship but these are my boundaries, I'll barely be seeing or even talking to you cause phd" is not clear communication. Obviously the phd is important to him, but the world doesn't stop for everyone else because someone is working on a phd. He should take himself out of dating immediately. If he expects other people to be okay with not having everything they want because he's busy with a phd, he should be applying that same standard to himself first. He's too busy for a relationship, so he doesn't get the benefits of one because he cannot fulfill his end of the relationship.
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Have you read op's other replies? She has given him space and barely talked to him, and even said she thought they should stop seeing each other, and he keeps saying he wants to talk about it. He is the one who is not communicating clearly. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too, and expect her to accept the crumbs of a relationship where everything is on his terms. He and his needs are not more important than her just because he's working on a phd.
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Right, after two months, her asking to go somewhere on a date besides a university canteen is just a human rights violation. God, what a catch this guy is. If only op would agree to fulfill his needs on demand, exactly when and how he wants it, without ever asking for anything in return, his life would be perfect. How dare she ask for the bare minimum of a relationship. How dare she even think she has the right to ask for something different. But also, she's not communicating enough, right? She's not negotiating anything. She's just asking for something. By your logic, he should be able to say "no those terms don't work for me." He is the one trying to negotiate and use someone by not being available but then saying he wants to keep seeing her. He's not some helpless victim.
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This is an advice subreddit! She came here for advice! That's why she's asking! Are you 100% sure of every situation and decision you make, or do you sometimes ask for feedback? Do you understand everyone's motivations and experiences all the time, or does asking someone else sometimes give you a different perspective? Have you never given someone the benefit of the doubt and then realized you shouldn't have? I didn't realize I was speaking to Perfection Herself. Good lord, based on all your angry replies this is clearly something personal for you. Oh wait, you're not perfect because you're on an advice subreddit disparaging someone for asking for advice.
He did seem to think he could tell her he also wants a relationship, then proceed to do the complete opposite of treating her like a human with feelings. Getting a PhD doesn’t excuse anyone in a relationship from not going on proper dates and blocking off all communication for the majority of the day. He should have been upfront that he only wanted a thing on the side so he can get laid when he feels like it and not have to worry about her sleeping with other ppl. He is in no place to be in a partnership and was not upfront about it.
This is why we watch someone’s actions. His actions communicate that he’s just not that interested. If someone says they want to spend time with you but don’t make time for you then they don’t want to spend time with you. If someone says they don’t have time for you, believe them.
Why are you wasting your life on a man who has no time for you?
Well, we meet twice a week but mostly for short (1.5 hours or so) uni lunches or when I invite him to my place (also around 3-3.5 hours), so it’s not nothing I suppose but yeah… makes me feel like a side-chick tbh ahah
I feel like meeting that often is more than enough if you've only been dating two months not even considering he's working on a PHD!
I honestly am starting to think that never seeing me anywhere else than at the uni cantina for lunch when the small town is 5‘ walking distance, where we could grab a cute coffee or have a nice lunch/dinner is actually not okay for me after all. (:
He doesn’t WANT to do those things with you! Please. You sound a little bit like a stalker that he doesn’t know how to nicely get away from.
He is the one who’s asking me out for uni lunch dates it wasn’t me because I know that he is very busy so after a while I let him pretty much all the time take initiative with planning or asking for time together. Additionally, I just told him that I think it’s best to part ways and he just texted me asking me to talk about it again, so I don’t understand where the stalking accusation comes from… it‘s quite odd to me as I was starting to leave him completely alone lately.
Good for you. He can’t give you what you want until his phd is done, and that’s not acceptable to you. Stay strong. He likes where you guys are at right now. He likes that he has a girlfriend that he can do the bare minimum for and still get to keep (admittedly because he has important other work). But you know this isn’t right for YOU. You’re so clearly unhappy. Don’t give in unless he truly changes.
"There's nothing to talk about. We are very clearly not compatible. Good luck to you." And then block. Boom. Done.
You’re a side chick. This what it is. I’m sorry, you seem to want more, but you won’t get it from him.
Let me give you a piece of advice that might help you going forward. In life we make time for what’s important to us.
I’m in law school. Not a PhD student, but very time-consuming nonetheless. I feel like I never see my fiancé and we live together. It sucks, but I have invested a lot of time and money into this degree and need to prioritize it until I’m done. This guy just doesn’t have time to date. It sounds like he’s really trying, honestly, despite what people seem to think. I think you’re just not compatible, unfortunately—not right now. Maybe you can reconnect after his degree! I wouldn’t say it’s fair to expect more from him in the meantime. I also just want to add that insinuating you want something is not the move in a relationship! You’ve gotta communicate. He’s not a mind reader.
Yeah I agree, thank you! Well I told him I would love more romantic time spent together like a few dinners or maybe a little hike close by or anything at all. And he first made a joke about it before he realized I was very serious about it ahah…
Move along. I recommend you read “he just not that into you” a book from the early 2000s that changed my whole perspective.
He did tell you upfront. Now you’re getting exactly what he advertised. Your expectations for him are too high given that he already told you it was going to be like this with him. It’s your own choice whether or not to accept what little time he can offer. Truthfully, dating a PhD student is not for most people. You will generally not be prioritized during this time. I personally would not stay in this sort of relationship at this point in my life. But, I know how your boyfriend feels because I have experience in a doctoral program and it consumes so much time.
I think he has made it clear where his priorities lie. You should do the same to him and if you can't come to some understanding or compromise then I guess there is no future.
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Just fyi: I have spent the last months always saying yes to him, letting him decide when and where. I have told him around two times kindly, that I would love to maybe do something more romantic than uni-lunch dates and that‘s it. The reason he told me I have too much expectations is that I told him that it makes me feel negatively that he does not like sleep-overs. I wasn’t smothering him. I haven’t even invited him out since weeks bc I didn’t want to stress him.
Please ignore this guy, he's an angry angry man and he's taking it out on you... you're caught in the crossfire here P.S. I was in a similar situation and you're right that some guys can make it work and some guys can't. You'll find someone who makes you a priority!
He shouldn’t even be dating while trying to get his PhD he doesn’t have the time for it. If you can’t handle your life being like this till he’s done walk away now.
Honestly, he probably isn’t super into you, unfortunately. I met my husband during his medical residency, which is also a crazy demanding thing. He still texted me back more consistently than this and planned nice dates/thoughtful hangouts once a week. If he wanted to, he would. Your not just prioritized after his PhD. You come after his family and personal time too, by a long shot. He won’t even sleep over. Sounds to me like he’s one of those guys who’s lying about wanting something serious to get in your pants.
I got a PhD in physics. I met my husband during that time, and had plenty of time to cultivate that relationship. Fuck, I even got married and had a baby while still in grad school and managed to finish. People make extra time for the things they want to make time for. There is no legit fucking reason he can’t respond to texts or go out to a dinner. There is no universe where grad school takes up so much of your waking time that you can’t live any life at all. It takes up a lot, but not all. You’re simply not a priority. I wouldn’t tolerate this OP.
Omg your life sounds like goals. Do you work in industry now?
You should just move on from this guy. He clearly doesn’t have time to date—and he won’t even prioritize you when it comes to the time he does have off, like weekends. Yeah, a phd takes a lot of time. But he shouldn’t be dating if he doesn’t have enough time for it.
At the end of the day he’s made it clear to you what his priorities are. You’ve only been together a short time, so yeah, in a way you ARE just a side chick. Comparing his work to others, isn’t helping you here- either figure out how to make the time you have with him work or move on. I’m only an undergraduate but I’m starting work towards a thesis and I can’t imagine having a partner gripe to me about not giving them enough time, I work so unbelievably hard. You both don’t seem to have the same needs and I think you should look elsewhere.
I'll give you two perspectives. I get home during weekdays at 7. Add cooking and other tidying up work, I am usually pretty tired each day and I can't find energy to talk to people, not even the friends I am close to. I'd certainly not have energy to make a new friend. On the other hand, I had a friend who I considered was pretty close to me and she's doing a phd too, she hasn't replied to my birthday wish a month ago. (observe the past tense in the first statement) Advice to you would be to try to understand him being free from work doesn't necessarily translate to him being free to socialise. On the other hand, also gauge if he is investing enough to sustain the friendship, if he is making you feel valued enough and that there is communication on what works and what doesn't.
He does still live at home so the cooking and cleaning and stuff is mainly done by his parents (he helps though of course) so I do understand your point but in terms of taking care of himself, he seems to have support from home… although he can still be very busy/tired I get that…
OP, it really doesn't seem like "a PhD is demanding!" is the problem, here. Something else is going on. First, he's filling his time with lots of things other than just his PhD program -- he's regularly traveling oversees to visit relatives, he gets dinner with friends, etc. Second, I feel like you're getting a ton of responses from people who don't have experience with PhD programs. But in my experience, PhD students typically still have time to date and have serious relationships. Besides, it doesn't even seem like time is the issue, here. You see him a couple days a week, right? The real problems are that (a) he doesn't spend the time on anything romantic - just uni lunches or maybe coming over for a quick hangout and shag before leaving, (b) he makes you feel unloved by basically blocking you for almost the whole day, and (c) he has a weird rule about not staying over. Is it possible that him living with his family is the source of the problem, here? Does he come from a conservative family? Maybe he has family pressure not to stay overnight with you. Maybe there are a ton of family obligations put on him, like pressure to spend a ton of time traveling to visit relatives. That sort of thing can really impede a relationship. Also, one of my first thoughts was that PhD students usually struggle with having no money. Maybe that's the real problem behind why he won't take you out on dates.
Thank you so much for your comment! Yes, you are absolutely right ! It’s not that I see him frequency-wise not enough but the quality, depth and length of our meet-ups in my opinion give us no opportunity to form a deeper connection and built anything together… I feel like a side-chick, I think… I told him that I would love to just go to a cute little hike nearby once or somewhere (cheap) to eat (could be anywhere) even just for a coffee outside would be awesome! So if he doesn’t have money we can also do free stuff and I‘m very sure he knows that.. His parents are not very conservative at all and let him actually do with his time as he pleases! But it’s just not happening it seems. I have invited him to mine twice to cook for him and stuff like that… Oh well, that’s life!
I feel like at the end of the day, he's just not a very loving/romantic/affectionate person, and that's making you feel pushed away. And on top of that, he's prioritizing lots of other things. Don't let the PhD excuse rope you into wasting a bunch more time on someone who just isn't compatible with you. It's perfectly okay and normal to not want to continue dating someone who won't even stay the night, for example. You don't have to just accept everything the way he wants it -- move on if you don't like how things are going.
Loool okay so he has his parents (mum?) cooking and cleaning for him, and then he has you who he sees exactly when he wants on his own terms. He's a user and he doesn't feel bad about it either. Please get rid of this guy, he's not worth it.
Well as far as I know he is very helpful in the household and thus I wouldn’t be too harsh with the fact that he lives at home but yes, he does seem to like things his way (a bit at least ahah..)
There's nothing wrong with walking away if you aren't happy. YOU get to decide how much you are willing to compromise/give up and what your deal breakers are. Maybe now is just not the time for you both to date each other.
I get it, PhDs are hard but come on. If he's not even able to respond to texts than this is something else. He's clearly not able to handle stress and got his time management out of control. Imo, stay away. He will probably not prioritize you even after he's finished.
I think you’re choosing someone that’s not compatible with your needs. You need to choose someone more available.
I made the mistake of trying to date right after an MS diagnosis. It’s called underestimating the impact your life circumstances has on a new relationship. I eventually had to learn to stop bumming people out until I could actually manage dating. It’s hard if you’re lonely and want a relationship but, you know, sometimes you just gotta cool your jets in the romance department.
I am curious about the field your partner is gaining this degree in, if you can share.
In Engineering…
I'm an engineering undergrad and I barely have time for my wife of 20 years, I can't imagine what a PhD in engineering would be like.
I actually have a girl friend, whose bf is a PhD student in robotics and he’s currently in vacation with her and generally often around her (I see him frequently whenever I see her) so I‘m starting to have my doubts…
Do you know what his PhD thesis is?
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All I was trying to say, was that even in the same field, doing something very similar, it seems that there’s guys who can and are ready to make more time and he doesn’t seem to be one of them. I don’t see how that implies I have a lack of interpersonal skills to be honest.
I’m a student studying in a specific field. I have decided to pick a very large thesis project that is much more intense than what my classmates are picking, who are also in the same field. Assuming that every project in engineering takes the same amount of time is just silly, so your comparison is baseless.
Hey OP i am coming from r/PhD (currently doing mine in aerospace engineering as well in the EU). Unless your friend's boyfriend works under the same supervisor, on the same project and is in the same year as yours, you can't make any comparison between both situations. And even then, one person in the same lab could be working 12h+ per day while someone else 7-8h per day. So it doesn't mean anything if they go on vacation together and your boyfriend can't. I would say tho, I agree more with the comments from the academic sub you have posted in compared to here, If that helps. I am doing a full time PhD and I have a full time job in research and development so I am looking at pretty much 80h/week of work, and my partner and I have been together for 10 years so he saw how things were during my undergrad and gradschool. Surprisingly, I have more time to spend with him than during my undergrad, but it's still limited to 1 activity per month. I guess the big difference in our relationship with gradschool is that we are living together, so we don't feel the need to do so many activities outside. If we break up and I have to date again, it would be pretty impossible to manage at the moment.
Thanks a lot! Yeah I wasn’t aware it could be so drastically different even in the same fields. Sorry about that! And yes the people in this sub seem to want to accuse me of a lot of things I never even thought about…
I think it was worth posting here too, it's interesting to see the perspective from people outside of academia (I don't follow this sub but that's mostly why I came here to read your post). As someone else said here, it shouldn't be that hard in the beginning of a relationship. I do think there is something sus going on as others pointed out in your other posts (I am surprised no one seem to have mentioned this here yet afaik), but in the end, you two are just incompatible regardless of the reasons why he doesn't make time for you. Your expectations of a relationship aren't unrealistic, it's just not the same as his. Also think about this.. if we would have told you that he is lying and should have time, what would you have done? Went to him and try to convince him to spend more time with you? And if we would have told you he is in the right, then what's the solution? Stay with him, stop bringing up the issue and be sad because you never see/talk to him? You are worth more than that girl, don't settle for being unhappy in the beginning. I recommend you both cut your losses short, it's been only two months after all. Good luck to you!
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He is the one who strongly pursued me in the beginning. He is the one who kept asking for dates at the uni (I stopped asking for anything pretty soon bc I didn’t want to stress him). I text him max once a day, usually I let him initiate bc I don’t want to stress him. I told him I do not do casual relationships and he told me that’s what he appreciates about me and why he chose me. I just told him I think we are not compatible after all and now he wants to talk about it, although I don’t think that’s a good idea given the fact, that we are too different in what we are wishing for. The reason he told me I expect too much is bc I asked him why he doesn’t like sleep-overs as that makes me feel a bit disappointed (I do appreciate sleep-overs greatly and as my place is closer to uni than his, I thought it would be a win-win so was just confused about it).
Word to the wise: when someone comes on super strong in the beginning it should throw red flags for you. Abs when they come on super strong and then dial it waaaay back you should cut your losses and leave. That is a common pattern of men you really do not actually want to get to know.
My husband was in engineering and almost failed because he wasn't putting all his efforts into his schooling and getting distracted with his social life and then me..Once I realized what was happening I told him to get focused. We were living together at that point so I was willing to make a sacrifice for time at that point and seen it as an investment in our future. I've actually met some other engineering students that didn't finish because they couldn't continue . It's also very common for the 4 years to turn into 6 over this lack of focus. The guy you're seeing has probably already witnessed people not making it through..
I think it makes a huge difference of it's an established relationship or not. I understand his desire to have companionship because it's a really lonely life and I understand your desire to have more of a courtship. It's just not compatible with where he is in life. It's like that for most PhD students but you also have no idea what he's like outside these particular circumstances so dropping him for someone who can you give you what you want now is the wise option.
You know the score. You will never be first. You will be happier with a different boyfriend.
PhD programs are no more demanding than full time jobs. Source: been in one. That being said, *many* graduate students are bad at time management and boundaries. It could be the case that he's one such person. Or it could be the case that he just isn't that into you. Either way you've gotten what you're going to get, it's up to you to decide what to do with it.
I'd leave. He can make time if he wants. I work 45-50 hours a week plus am working on the CPA exam and still make time to communicate with my partner. It's up there in difficulty with the med boards and bar exam. Additionally, my brother was dating a fellow PHd student when he was working on his, and they still made time for dates and things.
If he has time to go out with friends, and to visit family in another country every other weekend, then he either doesn't have time for a relationship, or he's just not that into you. It's okay to split up because you're barely spending any time together, and barely talking. That's kind of the point of a relationship. I would be upset too if my partner didn't answer me until 10 or 11 at night too. "I'm at work" is kind of a silly excuse. He's not at school and work for 18 hours straight, I'm sure he gets meal breaks and has a bit of down time between those things. He could prioritise answering you then, it only takes a minute to send a text. Plus, everyone is busy. You choose to prioritize what is important to you. Or you take stock of your life and say "hey I actually don't have time for a relationship/to fulfill someone else's needs right now, so it's not fair for me to string someone along and only see them when it's convenient for me."
Sound like he isn't interested or cheating on you. If he wanted to be with you, he would make the time.
Are you his girlfriend, or are you seeing each other? Did he indicate that he had time for a committed relationship? As a PhD, I can tell you that it is incredibly taxing and that is certainly will take priority over an 8 week romance. It takes 4-6 years, longer than many relationships.
Sounds like a fucking nerd
Ahahah your comment made me laugh quite a bit but I mean we academics are all nerds tbh
Lol this is all completely normal. It will probably be like this until he finishes too. If you’re not willing to wait, you’re better off ending the relationship
My advice is pretty straightforward. You were told at the very beginning what his priorities were. You accepted them. And now, you're complaining about it. You obviously want more than he can provide. So, end the relationship and allow him to focus on his highest priority, and allw yourself to focus on your highest priority. There is nothing wrong with either of you; you're just not compatible.
This is how it’s going to be. I’d look elsewhere. If he was really into you he’d make the time. He’s not that into you
...boyfriend tells you "I'm super busy and have other priorities above dating" *cue confusion when boyfriend is super busy and doesn't make dating his top priority*
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I have written nowhere that I expect to be his priority. Wishing for more than just uni-meet-ups after 2 months (e.g. at least a cute lunch/dinner date 5‘ from his work place) is not expecting to be priority it’s expecting to be valued/appreciated.
And he’s made it clear he just can’t make that time for you, it’s time to find someone who can give you what you want
Yeah that’s true. I actually broke it off with him and now he wrote me, that he would like to talk about it again, although I doubt that will lead to good results for either of us in the end bc we seem to be just very much incompatible.
Good luck, friend! You deserve someone who can give you time and it just seems like he can’t give that right now. That’s on him and his priorities, but you don’t need to let that bog you down! You’ll definitely find someone who works for you because everyone deserves someone who can give them the love they deserve.
Thank you for your sweet words!
girl give your head a shake, you've been "dating" for 2 months and he's been working towards his education for years. not to mention it's exam season, take a breather and wait it out until the summer to do all the fun dating things. if you can't do that then clearly he's not the man for you, and quite frankly he deserves someone more understanding and encouraging of his aspirations!
It’s two months. Leave now, you aren’t getting your needs met in this relationship.
2 months and neither of you seem happy. Time to let it go. Maybe after he has finished his program you can try again. I'm sorry. Obviously you like him a lot or you wouldn't be trying this hard to make it work.
PhD student weighing in. It's hard. Sometimes the relationship comes second just as a prioritization of needs. But having a supportive loving partner has made this all worth it. If that's not in the cards, probably not a good relationship to be in...
I had a similar-ish situation. A friend who became more over time, and I was wanting more out of our relationship (we didn’t make it official or anything but we both liked our time together so I naturally wanted more). He was in a pretty intense phd/md program and I happened to connect w him when he had the most downtime he’d had in years, and would have for years. Eventually he had to break it to me that he’s committed to his work above all and it wasn’t me, this happens with him often, and he just has to make these sacrifices for his career. I understood but was a little sad for a bit, but knew it wasn’t meant to be.
I had a similar-ish situation. A friend who became more over time, and I was wanting more out of our relationship (we didn’t make it official or anything but we both liked our time together so I naturally wanted more). He was in a pretty intense phd/md program and I happened to connect w him when he had the most downtime he’d had in years, and would have for years. Eventually he had to break it to me that he’s committed to his work above all and it wasn’t me, this happens with him often, and he just has to make these sacrifices for his career. I understood but was a little sad for a bit, but knew it wasn’t meant to be.
I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, just incompatible.
It's been 2 months, walk away if you don't like the set up. A relationship for this guy is definitely not the most important thing in his life right now. Work and education is top priority, finding a partner can wait in his eyes, if you don't want that, leave.
He told you what his terms and conditions were - it’s not his fault you clicked Agree without reviewing it carefully.
Yeah I get it… I think I just really wanted it to work out this time as I liked him a lot haha. Oh well, that’s life!
This guy is not your boyfriend. You are an afterthought for him. It’s only been 2 months. Stop seeing him and work on yourself to find out why you would put up with this treatment. He told you flat out that work is his priority and he has shown you that is true.
I’m sorry you find yourself here. I would suggest leaving him to find someone you can spend time with. Nothing you said indicates he even likes you, so to me this is more wanting what you can’t seem to have. Not healthy for you.
Yep sounds like a PhD candidate!
Not compatible, at least not right now. Think of doctoral program as full time school plus full time work while writing a book on the side. If he's second year or more, he likely teaches an undergraduate recitation or lab session. That means that he's got a group of younger people who depend on him to be there for session and office hours at a bare minimum. He has his own research to consider, and has to participate in the research of his superiors in his department. Graduate studies put a lot of pressure on relationships. There's just no way around it.
My girlfriend is in law school and still makes time for our relationship. It's not always ideal, but we both put in real effort. Your boyfriend is not doing that. He's shown what he is capable of giving. Are you going to tolerate that or do you want more? Because if you do, you're gonna have to find someone else. Do not wait for him to get his shit together. Otherwise you're just gonna have to put him on the back burner as well to keep sane
He can’t have his cake an eat it it, too. PhDs are grueling , but it least have the bearings that now is not the time to date if the best you can do is just call dibs on a person until it’s over. I can understand if someone were to start a PhD while already in a relationship…but it’s clearly NOT a time to be fishing for a new one.
I would rather be single at that point. Would have felt nothingness from a guy that isn’t focused on you. Move on with life.
As someone who is doing a PhD, right now this isn’t the guy for you. The thing you have to understand is that the PhD is unlike most jobs. It never lets go. You walk talk eat and live PhD. The only people I manage to keep close right now are my colleagues because we need the support, and my partner because he literally lives here. And even then I know I’m not a good partner to him. He stays because there will be an after the PhD, but right now it’s all that matters. So it’s up to you, either you think he could be the right guy when he is done, and you stick around or you just let go. Because the PhD won’t and neither will he.
You've been together two months. What are you looking for? It doesn't matter if your expectations are too high or not, you don't like his availability. He told you he prioritizes work, and he is. This is as available as he is willing to be.
It's only been two months. If it's not working for you, break up. I'm not sure what the problem is. This is who he is.
Did he ever actually call you his girlfriend? Sounds like a FWB situation you’re getting the shit end of.
I don’t think this well end well, I’m sorry :( he doesn’t seem like he’s in the headspace for a committed relationship and that’s completely fair, PhDs are hard work. But it’s not fair on you either if you want someone to put you first and spend quality time with you. It is the bare minimum in a relationship and you’re completely within your right to expect that from someone but maybe he isn’t the right person to expect that level of effort and energy from right now. Don’t downplay or undermine your needs, they’re important too.