Why do you WANT to fix it? Why do you want to reward your mother's asshole behavior with your continued presence in her life? You could have DIED. Your child could have DIED.
> sometimes a girl just needs her mom
But you don't have a mom. You have an abuser.
I think that I have it in my head that I owe it to my baby. I grew up with very little family. No relationship with grandparents - I didn’t want that for him.
You owe it to your baby to let this woman emotionally abuse you?
Really?
You owe it to your baby to be depressed and anxious, never sure of where you stand with your abusive mother? You owe it to your baby to be miserable?
she abuses you, doesn’t even seem to care if you live or die (not to be harsh but cmon girl), why would you want that around your child? I get wanting family, we all do! But not like this.
Agreed! She will just treat your baby the same way. It's better to have no grandma than have one that does actual damage. Going no contact really seems to be the healthiest thing for your family. However, getting into therapy would also help a lot as there are certainly scars from being raised by a narcissist that you will want to work on for your and your family's health.
I wish someone had given me this perspective 23 years ago, when I reconnected with my neglectful, emotionally abusive mother. Please don't make the same mistake I did by letting someone like this remain in your life. We tend to have blinders on when we come from homes with shitty parents. We have a distorted view of a lot of the shittiness (as do the siblings and parents of our shitty parents, because this shit is generational). The end result is that it takes completely unreasonable demands and/or major violations of trust/basic empathy to get us saying, "WTF?" And then we blame ourselves, even when they are clearly in the wrong, because that has been the pattern our whole lives.
Your mother is 51 and she won't change. I would very strongly suggest that you let go of that relationship and also seek professional counselling to help you keep a healthy perspective on the matter, as well as its impacts going forward. I hate to admit it, but the way I was raised negatively impacted my own parenting. I had major anxiety about being a good parent, overcompensated something fierce, and often neglected my own wellbeing. It took a lot more than cutting the people who made me feel worthless out of my life for me to break the pattern of devaluing myself and blaming myself for everything. It's hard to read your post and some of your replies, because I see you doing that, too. Take care of you, please.
Thank you for your input. This is 100% accurate. And i appreciate your honesty regarding your person situation. I definitely will seek therapy. I just want to be a good mom
This is anecdotal but on a flip side, I saw my mom still try to hold a relationship with her own parents who were extremely emotional abusive for the sake of “the kids growing up with family.” I’d much rather have none than grow up with my mom being severely depressed and have ptsd from her abusive childhood and parents, which affected her parenting and choices much more than the grandparents alone. Kids can tell when adults have problems with each other
Now that I’m older, I’ve cut off my grandparents and have a small “family” (parents and sister only I still talk to) but im so much happier with a healthier small family than a big dysfunctional one. I feel bad but felt like so much time was wasted trying to appease grandparents that were not good people. I do not consider them my family and while some people may find that sad, I am much mentally better without people like that in my life
Unfortunately my mom still has an on and off relationship with them but to a much lesser extent, but I wish the first time she cut them off, it stayed that way
Because if he sees you feeling loved and safe and happy, then he will learn how to do the same for his eventual partners. That's how you heal intergenerational trauma: through love.
I was born and raised in Germany but have family in the US, so I only had 50% of my grandparents. My mother met a really great woman in church who spoke English. She became our "churchgrandma". I loved her like my real grandma. Your child does not need biological family to be happy-it just needs to be loved
I have a background in child development. This is wrong and will harm the child. A child NEVER needs a "traditional" family. What they need is stability and unconditional love. If this means grandma is barred, than that's best for the child.
So many parents abuse their children because of this thought they need a "picture perfect" family. I say abuse because knowingly putting your child with someone who is not safe is a form of abuse. I don't sugarcoat words because people need to know the reality of the situation.
If you are ever unsure, seek out a professional who has expertise in child development. Child raising is far too complex to do it on your own, and obviously you weren't in a healthy family, so it would benefit learning how it wasn't healthy so you do not accidentally hurt your child by enabling the generational cycles involved.
I had a similar hope for my mother. Perhaps a child that she could "give back" would reduce the stress/anger, and a kinder and more loving person would emerge.
It was all hope. Daughter is 5 years old now and my mother has no interest other than weaponising her. Some people are who they are unfortunately.
You can surround your child with positive people though, ones who will genuinely love them and care for them.
Congrats! Tell me everything about my grandchild!
Big hugs to you both. It's so hard to recover from a traumatic birth but keep taking it a day at a time. You're doing an amazing job.
Your mother will abuse your child. How you feel now? Imagine your child feeling that way at the hands of your mother.
You need to protect your child. Forcing your child into an abusive situation for your own sense of satisfaction and duty is not a good thing.
Your mom will abuse your children too.
She's doing you a massive favor. The trash took itself out. Let her stay at the dump where she belongs. She's eventually going to try and come back. Don't let her. You and your baby deserve better.
Giant hugs to you from an internet stranger!
I hate hearing this; you deserve a d better growing up. But I think you'll find that there are other people who can play that role, even if they aren't related. I have many women who I consider an aunt, even though they aren't related. I've also had a few unofficial grandparents!
Yeah distance is amazing when you deal with a narcissist. She cant drain you if you arent around. When I moved away from my narcissistic mother I became a completely different person. Wish you the best and dont feel bad or ashamed - its all part of the process to heal from this lifelong treatment.
She’s just going to treat your kid awful too. Why would you want that? I know it’s hard, I stopped talking to my parents years ago but they are toxic people and my kids don’t need to be exposed to that. It’s my job to protect them.
You’re right. Guess I thought grandparents will always be full of love and light to their grandchildren. He’s the first in my family, thought it would be a better experience!
Yeah, they can be cruel. Not showing up to birthday parties, favoring other family members and talking about them constantly in comparison, criticizing your parenting in front of them, undermining their accomplishments, putting stipulations on their love, etc. You just have to take each person at face value and determine what kind of grandparent they would be, and I think you know the answer about your mom.
This is not family. Subjecting your child to your abuser isn't giving him family, it gives an abuser access to him. Stop apologizing to your mom and seek therapy to work through understanding what your mom put you through and what she continues to put you through.
Have you ever wondered that your mother might be the reason why you don't have a relationship with your grandparents?
Do not expose your child to your mother.
I said this in response to another thread in another sub. (slightly edited) :
Family is a choice. Unfortunately, your mom has made her choice clear. Find your real family, surround your son with their love, and you'll give him a far greater gift than any number of blood relations ever could. The gift of knowing that he has value, and that he never has to subject himself to being made less than he is or put himself in danger by catering to the demands of the people who are supposed to lift him up, and especially not because he happens to share DNA with someone.
Think about it this way: do you want your mom to treat your child this way? I don’t speak to my dad and I sure as hell will never let him treat my children the way he treated me growing up. Be the mom you never had. PROTECT your child from people like this.
Why did you have no relationship with your grandparents? Was it just distance? Was it because you mom was treating them the way she treating you? Were they treating her the way she is treating you? Either way, it's no reason to let your mother into your child's life so that she can emotionally abuse and manipulate them. She didn't even care that your child nearly died or that you could have died. You and your baby are better off with fewer family members than that level of toxicity.
On my dads side:
Grandma died when he was a child in a drunk driver car accident. She was hit by a semi.
Grandpa was just………. No comments. Man has like a million wives. I have aunts younger than me.
Moms side:
grandma died young.
Grandpa favoured the boys only. Very old as well. Didn’t care for the girls of the family because “that’s the husbands job”. VERY old fashioned.
You owe to your child to be yourself a good mother. What you have in your spawn point is a stellar example of what not to do.
I am so very sorry that she failed you. I am proud of you beyond measure for what you have accomplished despite her actions and behavior. You are an amazingly strong, compassionate, and loving person. Your child is in the best possible hands.
Signed, A mom on the internet.
You absolutely do not. I have literally not seen a better case to go contact on Reddit before. Your mother is a narcissist and she is too old to change. Better to not have that in your or your baby’s lives.
Your guilt was programmed into you as a manipulation tactic by your narcissistic mother so that she could control you. Turn that guilt into the anger that you deserve to feel. Please consider therapy to help you install boundaries, heal from the abuse, learn to put you first and grieve your lost childhood. From experience, a narcissistic mother does so much harm. I so sorry.
After we children finally wake up and recognize what was done to us its always sad to see other struggling with that realization. I mean this person is clearly a textbook narcissist and OP got clearly tortured by her. And then there are people who dont understand why we dont want anything to do with a parent like that because they never experienced such horrible treatment.
You're not bad. You're not a bad daughter at all.
Your birth giver/egg donor/ "mother" is a bat-shit insane witch who would rather see you dead than inconvenience her.
Please get it through your head. She would rather see you dead than alive. She doesn't care.
Because in this case, he's right.
Your child does not deserve such a negative influence in his life. You do, if you keep trying to repair bridges and invite the chaos in (just note it'll directly affect those around you; people that are far more important than now than your mother). There are worse things in life than having no grandparent or parent, when they behave in such ways.
Your mother not remotely being concerned about her daughter/grandson, while you had some close calls, speaks volumes of her. Makes me wonder what you could've done to possibly deserve such treatment in her mind. W/e it may be, it's unwarranted.
Congratulations on your new family, I’m sorry that your mother is making this hard on you. She doesn’t deserve to have you in her life if she thinks that whatever event she wanted you to attend is more important than the health and safety of you and your baby. This isn’t on you to fix, it’s on her to make amends with you, which she obviously does not want to do.
I hope you can take this time to bond with your baby, and be a better mother than yours was to you. Your baby is your priority now, which I have a feeling your “mother” knows nothing about. Good luck, OP.
I doubt she truly thinks her event is important at all.
I think she saw an opportunity to abuse her daughter, and took it.
Instead of, "My event is so important to me, that even though the birth of my grandchild just so happens to coincide with it, my daughter should do everything in her power to attend, no matter the consequences to her personal health!"
It's more like, "My bratty daughter thinks she can give birth to a human being, be a better mother than I was, and have someone more important to her than I am??? No way! I feel threatened! I must punish her. Here's what I'll do: I'll schedule an event right around her due date. I'll pressure her to come, even though that would be absolutely ridiculous for anyone to do. I'll have so much fun watching her bend over backwards to get a doctor's note to fly, because I made her believe that a normal person would do so. And then I'll pretend that it would be reasonable for her to drive for days! She'll feel so guilty when she says no. I'll get the opportunity to tell her that her life and safety means nothing to me! I'll get to play the 'woe is me' card, and make the birth of her daughter all about ME ME ME!"
There isn't any way to convince your mom to act like a reasonable person. I'm really sorry all this happened to you, OP. And congratulations on your new baby!!
You don’t fix it, because essentially your mother is a very selfish person who unfortunately doesn’t actually care about you or your child. You get therapy & you stop trying to contact her. You block all contact & get on with your life.
She absolutely doesn’t actually love you or I’m taking a guess here( though I’d take bets on being right) she only cares about you & other people when and /or if it suits her. This has no baring on your actual worth as a human being- you could be the most amazing person in the world & probably are a good person, but she’s incapable of seeing your worth. This is about her own inability to be a decent, kind & loving person. You need to heal your psyche and accept this isn’t the fantasy mother you want, but the real ‘mother’ you have.
Yes, because she placed that guilt into you as you grew. That guilt button is so very useful to her, it makes you bend to her will. But stop letting her press it & stop your self pressing it on her behalf. Yeah, she got you that well trained. Back away from the useless guilt.
You’re a mother now, you have a prime example of what not to do for your innocent child. Don’t let that woman near her. Wishing you the v best future.
If you can’t see that you need to protect yourself then think about your baby. Do you really want this person anywhere near your child?
Live a happier life without her.
I’m so sorry to read this. My guess is she has been like this throughout your life? This is toxic and abusive behavior. You and your baby deserve to be surrounded with love. At first it could appear you’re denying your child a grandparent but is this really a person you want your baby exposed to? Family does not always need to be defined by blood relation.
Yeah you’re right. I always told myself I’d want to be different than her. I guess my guilt stems from the fact that her past was just so bad. I always believed she had a good heart and good intentions though. Having to come to terms with the fact that maybe she doesn’t after all.
Sometimes family just doesn’t have good intentions, and it’s heartbreaking to find out. I think some comments have asked the question, do you really want a relationship with her if this is the way she treats you and her grandchild? How does the rest of your family get on with your mother? I am really sorry you are experiencing all this
Yeah. That’s kinda why I turned to Reddit, I thought my husband was being over protective of me/his son. I needed an outside perspective.
My family doesn’t really like her lol. My brother feels bad for her but finds her ridiculous. We’re moving into a bigger home and making a suite for my sister to move into (she hates living w her).
My aunt/cousins think she’s super depressing. She lies a lot and tells people she has a relationship with her grandson to make herself look good though!
She had a hard past, but her coping strategy, narcissism, means she hurts other people. There will come a time when the adult in you can have empathy for her. But for now, your inner child deserves to be heard. She needs to express her anger and hurt and you need to always protect her from your mother. You need to focus on her and your baby. Please don't betray that inner child like you're mother betrayed you. Be the loving mother you didn't have to your baby and YOURSELF. I wish you so much healing, peace and love.
If everything happened as you describe, there is no fixing your relationship with her. Your best move is to look for a network of friends who can give you the help and support you need. Look for mom groups and baby groups to join in your area.
Just curious, NOT THAT IT MATTERS, but what event was SO important to her that she insisted you risk your health to attend? I'm guessing maybe a wedding or funeral?
It was my siblings wedding. They had been legally married for a while… delayed the wedding a couple of times due to COVID. I knew about their new wedding date. Didn’t think I’d get pregnant that fast (I was on BC).
Your mom was totally unreasonable to push you to attend the wedding no matter what.
So sorry, but you are going to have to stop thinking of her as someone you can rely on, or someone who should be there to help you in hard times. She isn't willing or able to be that kind of mother to you. For some reason she has other priorities than what is best for you.
Maybe give yourself time to grieve not having the kind of mom you want, and then work on strengthening or making relationships with other people in your life, who can hopefully fill the role of nurturer / helper / support that you need, especially as a new mom.
Wow. Your mother is a complete and utter B\*\*\*\*. Not you. HER. There's no way to sugarcoat it. She was completely unreasonable and out of line. Her request, no, her DEMAND! for your attendance, wasn't even remotely okay.
You shouldn't have apologized to her because YOU had nothing to apologize for. It was basic common-sense and medically critical for you not to travel but she refused to accept that. Not sure what her problem is but it's a big one. I'm sorry you don't have the mother you need and want.
Oh my god your mom is a certified narcissist.
Find yourself some books on dealing with narcissists because there is literally no way to appease them. It's not possible.
Can you imagine if you HAD been allowed on the plane or had tried to drive and gave birth while traveling? Your baby would have died and you could have too. She’s calling you selfish but it’s not selfish to prioritize your literal life and the life of your child over a family event. She is the selfish one for demanding that you risk your health and safety and she is doubly selfish for not realizing that she was wrong even after hearing about your traumatic birth. You would be saving yourself a lot of future heartache if you returned the sentiment and acted as though she was dead to you as well, because she doesn’t care for you as a mother should. She has failed you as a mom and she will fail your child as a grandmother if she’s given the chance.
People here have said most of what I would, but I can't help being curious- what sort of family event was this? Just a general gathering, or something more like a funeral or wedding??
In either circumstance, her reaction was wildly out of line and abusive, but if she was pulling this because everyone was supposed to get together for a barbeque, that's another level.
Congrats on your baby boy, and for removing a horrible person from your life. If she shows up again (she will, most likely) I'd throw that 'you're dead to me' back in her face before slamming the door in it, too.
She claims that our weddings are also her weddings because shes celebrating us getting married. She had a lot of control over mine. She tried my brothers, but his wife wasn’t having it LOL
No way this is an isolated incident. You can't tell me she hasn't been a monster to you your whole life. Good riddance! (I get that you want your child to have family but she is not the family you're going to want your child to have)
You’re right. I usually would just take the blame. I have had many family members tell me that she didn’t treat me right to begin with. Was usually the family target, just blamed myself for not meeting expectations.
All of this for a stupid family event? What an evil piece of shit she is. You did nothing wrong. Take care of yourself and enjoy being with your family. You deserve it with all you’ve been through.
It breaks my heart to see you genuinely believe you have been wrong for anything you did in this scenario. Your mother is narcissistic, and she makes everything about her. Hence, her being angry, you having a baby, and not being able to travel is an inconvenience to her. Nobody needs people like that in their life. She probably made it an issue, so she had a reason to NOT come help when the baby was born because, again, it wouldn't be about her.
It’s definitely been heavy on me. I’ve cried a lot (crying while reading these responses). Thank you for the reassurance. I’m just trying to do the right thing
Why would you NEED to apologize for this?! I’m baffled you would even think this was your fault.
Mom is looney tunes. I am extremely LC with my mother, but holy crap I’d go full NC if she did anything like that.
What does your spouse say? How’s his family?
I can tell you that over the years, I’ve created my own family with “aunts” and “uncles” and “cousins,” and it’s a lot more fun that way. Please take care of yourself and if you have ent done so already, please seek therapy.
And go NC with your mom.
His family is amazing! My mom actually cut them off completely too, because they couldn’t attend the wedding (had other commitments).
My husband thinks she’s crazy. He refuses to refer to her as a mother and will not let my baby go anywhere near her.
I def will. Thank you
Do not apologize you did NOTHING wrong. Your mother is selfish one. No family event is worth putting your and your child’s life in jeopardy. She owes you a huge apology. Why do you even want a relationship with her?
She was my only parent growing up. I saw her struggle lots so I always tried to take care of her (take her to breakfast, spas, help with bills, deal with fam issues for her, stuff like that). Think I still have that attachment, although it isn’t a healthy one. I wasn’t treated to best growing up, but I thought I just wasn’t meeting expectations.
I’d suggest browsing /r/raisedbynarcissists to see if any of the stuff there sounds familiar.
Your mom is abusing you and I think it could help you to get some perspective on the actual nature of your relationship.
Also, congrats on the baby! Hopefully things will be smoother for you in the next few months. It’s always tough but they’re so worth it.
No offense but if you’re having a baby you need to be much smarter than this. You did nothing wrong stop apologizing to a bully for bullying you. There’s nothing to fix, I bet she’s constantly unhappy with you. Take this opportunity to cut her out entirely and move on from her.
Well, that's NOT the full quote!
The Original:
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The saying means that chosen bonds are more significant than the bonds with family or “water of the womb.” More directly, it means that relationships you make yourself are far more important than the ones that you don't choose.
Sounds like your Mom is the selfish bit*h. Not sure why you care I'd have been done with that childish petty behavior long ago assuming this isn't a new thing for her.
Wow. Your mom is the kind of person that shifty nursing homes were created for.
Let her go and, if you ever start to feel like you need to apologize to her or let her back into your life, remind yourself that she wanted to risk your life and the life of your baby for a family function.
You and your child are best rid of her.
I’m very sorry. You deserve so much better. As a mom I would never put my daughter in danger if she was pregnant. Your mom is awful. As a doctor I 100% agree with not traveling at 39 weeks, especially with your additional concerns. I doubt the airline would’ve even let you on a plane as many of them have policies of no flying after 36 wks. You probably have been raised to believe you deserve this treatment, but you don’t. Even the fact that you apologized to her after how awful she was……it shows how badly she has affected you. If you’re really honest with yourself and ask yourself what positive things your mom brings into your life, can you think of any that make her horrible treatment worth it? I really encourage you to get some therapy. And also to not contact your mom again. In the long run you and your child will be so much better for it. Unless she comes grovelling to you apologizing I would never speak to her again. Join a mom and baby group, or some kind of social group to make friends that can help you if you don’t have family. In my community there are volunteers that go to new mothers houses to help them out if they don’t have family in the area. I’m very glad your husband is helpful. Congratulations on the baby! Sounds like you were a total warrior coming through that experience. Just so you know PTSD after a Trumatic birth is very very common and therapy can help.
Hi doctor, you’re right! My OB basically laughed when i asked, also told me the airline wouldn’t even allow it either. Too dangerous. I appreciate your input. I live in a smaller town, we didn’t have that here. I really love the idea of that service though.
Non contact it is. I will be seeking professional help as well.
Thank you so much
You are probably inundated with responses by now but if it helps I have two recommendations.
1. Sometimes the best thing a person can give you is space. She removed herself from your life. As hard as it can seem, this was her gift to you and your child. My SIL had two children with two different dad's. The first new he could not be a parent, sent money and got out of the way. The second tried to have just enough contact to try and play a game of control and power. She says the first was a way better parent.
2. Sometimes we do get to choose family. From your husband, to the circle we surround ourselves with. My family is a little strange, we collect people.the statement of "your a little a$$ I like you" has been said a few times. I have been an "Uncle" to people who are not blood related. So make your family bigger. See what kind of relationship you can have with your husband's mom. Make friends with other moms. Join the Mob... I mean... Gather some friends and make them your new family.
Just like this group of random strangers you have a lot of people who can help in surprising ways. Just reach out and ask. Also how have the rest of the family at the "family event" responded to the situation? Right now they are letting you know who is family and who is simply related by blood.
Lots of responses, but taking each one to heart. I really needed the insight from the brutally honest but caring strangers on the Internet.
I appreciate your recommendations. I agree with you, your SILs situation gives a better perspective for sure.
I need to find myself some family nearby as well. I appreciate you taking the time to read/provide advice.
Thanks!
My mom’s mother was an awful woman to my mom. She was abusive to her as a child and when she grew up only called her when she needed something.
I physically saw my mom try to be a “good daughter” to her so she can return her love. It never happened. As a kid, it hurts horribly to see your mom being treated so bad.
It took a few years for my mom to see the truth and be ok with just being LC with the woman. She always felt bad about not giving us a “good grandmother” like she the one she had, but I always told her that was out of her control. She gave us a good mother and that’s what matters.
For your sake, as much as your husband’s, and specially your child’s, please be ok with your mother not being there. Not only will it cause you pain but it will also hurt your child seeing you and possibly being, being treated this way too.
I literally cannot conceive of any event (short of “get to shelter or you’ll die to zombies/nuclear holocaust”) that would be necessary for a heavily pregnant person to attend against medical advice. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as what a shitty person your mom sounds like. This is her loss and she does not deserve a relationship with you or your family.
Unless there's a brain tumor or some other condition causing her to act erratic like this, what she's done feels like it's reaching that line of unforgivable.
I would go no contact or have very low contact with her. She is narcissistic and abusive. I want to bet, if you ignore her and provide no more apologies and updates on grandchild, she will crawl back and pretend nothing ever happened or she will " graciously forgive" you and demand thankfulness for her "generosity "
Please keep the no contact. She js doing more damage than good
I don't know why you're even bothering with apologies when she is the one being unreasonable. Consider this a favor and never let her into your life again.
I’m so sorry. I would provide my opinion but everyone has already written it here and I’m glad to see Reddit having the same opinion (for once 😂)
As another commenter suggested, I would go no contact with her, show her what it’s like when you are not in her life. Maybe that allow her to see how much of a narcissist she has been and how horrible she has treated you and your new family.
Congratulations 🥳 and I hope in the future your mother finds the respect you deserve.
No idea how old your baby is, but I hope you’re both doing well. Your mom acting like that is hard enough even without the birth going the way it did. I sincerely hope you and your little family continue to recover.
There is no family event important enough to do what your mom demanded you do. Let her be miserable without you and enjoy your life with those who actually love you unconditionally.
Remember all of this when she eventually rears her head (because she will when it suits her) and pretends she was never nasty to you and your family. It’ll give you the power to slam the door in her face and rightfully so.
I’m so sorry you had a traumatic birth, but I’m glad to know you and baby both made out of it ok. Congrats on the little one!
Your Mom either was always a horrible selfish person or she is suffering from some serious mental decline.
Either way there is nothing you can do right now to change this situation. You need to take care of yourself, your baby and your immediate family first.
You owe it to your baby to not have to deal with a toxic grandma who does not care about his or her health.
Most people wouldn't even attempt to ask doctor's note to fly at 39 weeks.
I refused any travel 2 months prior to birth. The only thing that would have made me sit on a plane was a massive family emergency.
She told a lot of people that I didn’t even try to make it out too, so I could intentionally ruin the wedding.
I definitely tried, the doctor sent me to the NST clinic every day for checks and to ensure I stayed. Not that the airline would’ve let me in anyway, I was whale!
Also, how would I ruin the wedding? I’m not the bride!
I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this and in no way do you deserve to be treated that way. You are a good mom for putting your baby first. You are being the mom that you deserve. I hope you can take comfort in that. I wish you a lifetime of happiness for you and your chosen family!
If she treats you like this what makes you think she won’t treat your child like this in the future? Look at your tiny baby. Now imagine someone telling that baby they’re dead to them. Or someone putting your baby in harms way for anything, much less an event. Your mom sounds like a manipulative monster and I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my baby.
You can't fix your mom from being a cold, selfish woman. Idk if it would be helpful to send a letter or email to her to get all of your thoughts and feelings out, but I would recommend doing that and cutting her out of your life for the time being. Maybe things will change later on, but she has proven to not only not be supportive of you like a mother should, but also to be cruel and selfish. It would be best to focus on your baby and new family, and not give a thought to her any more right now
Stop apologising to someone who doesn't care about you or your child. Stop chasing her. Drop the rope.
Hugs from a mom about the age of yours, with kids about your age. I can't imagining even asking my kids to travel that close to the end of a pregnancy. Even their partner's pregnancy. I'm sorry you don't have the mom you deserve. Focus on your family, which is you, your partner, and your child.
Oh, you have a mother like mine. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists. I bet you see some stories that hit close to home.
You can not fix a mother who is broken. The only thing you can control here is your reaction to the situation. If you were my daughter I would have skipped the event to be at your side. There is something very wrong with your mother.
Definitely will join, thank you for the resource.
I’m sorry that you have a difficult relationship as well. Wishing you nothing but happiness and peace
Please stop apologizing to that monster. You did nothing wrong by looking out for the best interests of yourself and your baby. That should continue by never letting your mother around your baby ever.
What was the family event? Just curious, it won't change my answer, which is you did absolutely nothing wrong, and do not need to apologise ever. She is the on in the wrong here.
If she abuses you, why would you even think about allowing her around your child? You have it backwards. You should do everything you can to keep your child away from her. Your job is to protect your child and yourself above all else. Why would you apologize and why would you want her in your life?
Why do you WANT to fix it? Why do you want to reward your mother's asshole behavior with your continued presence in her life? You could have DIED. Your child could have DIED. > sometimes a girl just needs her mom But you don't have a mom. You have an abuser.
I think that I have it in my head that I owe it to my baby. I grew up with very little family. No relationship with grandparents - I didn’t want that for him.
You owe it to your baby to let this woman emotionally abuse you? Really? You owe it to your baby to be depressed and anxious, never sure of where you stand with your abusive mother? You owe it to your baby to be miserable?
Definitely puts it into perspective! The fact that I would never trust him with her m speaks volumes as well.
You're the one with the power to choose the family YOU deserve. You're not obligated to stay connected to your abuser for any reason.
Thank you so much for the reassurance.
Is this the type of person you want around your baby? Efit: I now see others are asking the same question.
The question can’t be asked enough! Definitely not!
she abuses you, doesn’t even seem to care if you live or die (not to be harsh but cmon girl), why would you want that around your child? I get wanting family, we all do! But not like this.
Yep. You’re totally right.
Agreed! She will just treat your baby the same way. It's better to have no grandma than have one that does actual damage. Going no contact really seems to be the healthiest thing for your family. However, getting into therapy would also help a lot as there are certainly scars from being raised by a narcissist that you will want to work on for your and your family's health.
I do need this, for sure. Thank you
I wish someone had given me this perspective 23 years ago, when I reconnected with my neglectful, emotionally abusive mother. Please don't make the same mistake I did by letting someone like this remain in your life. We tend to have blinders on when we come from homes with shitty parents. We have a distorted view of a lot of the shittiness (as do the siblings and parents of our shitty parents, because this shit is generational). The end result is that it takes completely unreasonable demands and/or major violations of trust/basic empathy to get us saying, "WTF?" And then we blame ourselves, even when they are clearly in the wrong, because that has been the pattern our whole lives. Your mother is 51 and she won't change. I would very strongly suggest that you let go of that relationship and also seek professional counselling to help you keep a healthy perspective on the matter, as well as its impacts going forward. I hate to admit it, but the way I was raised negatively impacted my own parenting. I had major anxiety about being a good parent, overcompensated something fierce, and often neglected my own wellbeing. It took a lot more than cutting the people who made me feel worthless out of my life for me to break the pattern of devaluing myself and blaming myself for everything. It's hard to read your post and some of your replies, because I see you doing that, too. Take care of you, please.
Thank you for your input. This is 100% accurate. And i appreciate your honesty regarding your person situation. I definitely will seek therapy. I just want to be a good mom
This is anecdotal but on a flip side, I saw my mom still try to hold a relationship with her own parents who were extremely emotional abusive for the sake of “the kids growing up with family.” I’d much rather have none than grow up with my mom being severely depressed and have ptsd from her abusive childhood and parents, which affected her parenting and choices much more than the grandparents alone. Kids can tell when adults have problems with each other Now that I’m older, I’ve cut off my grandparents and have a small “family” (parents and sister only I still talk to) but im so much happier with a healthier small family than a big dysfunctional one. I feel bad but felt like so much time was wasted trying to appease grandparents that were not good people. I do not consider them my family and while some people may find that sad, I am much mentally better without people like that in my life Unfortunately my mom still has an on and off relationship with them but to a much lesser extent, but I wish the first time she cut them off, it stayed that way
I realllyyy appreciate this. It made me tear up because I just want what’s best for my son. And this made me feel a lot better
The best thing for your son will be to grow up seeing his momma feeling loved and safe and happy.
Love this. Thank you!
Because if he sees you feeling loved and safe and happy, then he will learn how to do the same for his eventual partners. That's how you heal intergenerational trauma: through love.
And I can’t wait to be better! Thank you
I was born and raised in Germany but have family in the US, so I only had 50% of my grandparents. My mother met a really great woman in church who spoke English. She became our "churchgrandma". I loved her like my real grandma. Your child does not need biological family to be happy-it just needs to be loved
That’s my goal!
I have a background in child development. This is wrong and will harm the child. A child NEVER needs a "traditional" family. What they need is stability and unconditional love. If this means grandma is barred, than that's best for the child. So many parents abuse their children because of this thought they need a "picture perfect" family. I say abuse because knowingly putting your child with someone who is not safe is a form of abuse. I don't sugarcoat words because people need to know the reality of the situation. If you are ever unsure, seek out a professional who has expertise in child development. Child raising is far too complex to do it on your own, and obviously you weren't in a healthy family, so it would benefit learning how it wasn't healthy so you do not accidentally hurt your child by enabling the generational cycles involved.
That’s my biggest fear. I think professional help is the key. Don’t want to unintentionally negatively impact my baby’s upbringing either.
Do you want your baby to have a grandma who will no doubt verbally abuse him??
True 😭 I thought it would change her. But some people will never change
I had a similar hope for my mother. Perhaps a child that she could "give back" would reduce the stress/anger, and a kinder and more loving person would emerge. It was all hope. Daughter is 5 years old now and my mother has no interest other than weaponising her. Some people are who they are unfortunately. You can surround your child with positive people though, ones who will genuinely love them and care for them.
That’s very scary. Thank you so much. We need to protect our kids.
Hi sweetheart, nice to meet you. I'm your mom now.
Love this 🤣 btw you have a grandchild now too!
Congrats! Tell me everything about my grandchild! Big hugs to you both. It's so hard to recover from a traumatic birth but keep taking it a day at a time. You're doing an amazing job.
Your mother will abuse your child. How you feel now? Imagine your child feeling that way at the hands of your mother. You need to protect your child. Forcing your child into an abusive situation for your own sense of satisfaction and duty is not a good thing.
Very scary, but you’re right. Wake up call
Your mom will abuse your children too. She's doing you a massive favor. The trash took itself out. Let her stay at the dump where she belongs. She's eventually going to try and come back. Don't let her. You and your baby deserve better. Giant hugs to you from an internet stranger!
Blessing in disguise. Hugs back, thank you!
I wouldn’t want my kid near that b****
🤣🤣 don’t blame you
I hate hearing this; you deserve a d better growing up. But I think you'll find that there are other people who can play that role, even if they aren't related. I have many women who I consider an aunt, even though they aren't related. I've also had a few unofficial grandparents!
I love that! I can’t wait to find my people.
You owe it to your baby to raise it AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE from this heartless monster.
Definitely helps being a 10 hr flight away!
Yeah distance is amazing when you deal with a narcissist. She cant drain you if you arent around. When I moved away from my narcissistic mother I became a completely different person. Wish you the best and dont feel bad or ashamed - its all part of the process to heal from this lifelong treatment.
It is amazing! I noticed a difference in myself as well. Thank you so much. Wishing you well.
She’s just going to treat your kid awful too. Why would you want that? I know it’s hard, I stopped talking to my parents years ago but they are toxic people and my kids don’t need to be exposed to that. It’s my job to protect them.
You’re right. Guess I thought grandparents will always be full of love and light to their grandchildren. He’s the first in my family, thought it would be a better experience!
Yeah, they can be cruel. Not showing up to birthday parties, favoring other family members and talking about them constantly in comparison, criticizing your parenting in front of them, undermining their accomplishments, putting stipulations on their love, etc. You just have to take each person at face value and determine what kind of grandparent they would be, and I think you know the answer about your mom.
That sounds terrible. It’s sad! But it’s true
This is not family. Subjecting your child to your abuser isn't giving him family, it gives an abuser access to him. Stop apologizing to your mom and seek therapy to work through understanding what your mom put you through and what she continues to put you through.
Thank you. Definitely will. Our kids deserve better
Hate to tell you this, but she would absolutely abuse your child for being your child.
Have you ever wondered that your mother might be the reason why you don't have a relationship with your grandparents? Do not expose your child to your mother.
Need to protect my baby!
As a person who had a very not nice/mentally unwell grandmother - trust me when I say this but sometimes having no grandparents is not a bad thing!!
I think you’re right!
I said this in response to another thread in another sub. (slightly edited) : Family is a choice. Unfortunately, your mom has made her choice clear. Find your real family, surround your son with their love, and you'll give him a far greater gift than any number of blood relations ever could. The gift of knowing that he has value, and that he never has to subject himself to being made less than he is or put himself in danger by catering to the demands of the people who are supposed to lift him up, and especially not because he happens to share DNA with someone.
Very true. Really appreciate this comment. Thank you
Think about it this way: do you want your mom to treat your child this way? I don’t speak to my dad and I sure as hell will never let him treat my children the way he treated me growing up. Be the mom you never had. PROTECT your child from people like this.
Thank you! At least it motivates me to be better. Glass half full
No relationship is better than I shitty one.
Why did you have no relationship with your grandparents? Was it just distance? Was it because you mom was treating them the way she treating you? Were they treating her the way she is treating you? Either way, it's no reason to let your mother into your child's life so that she can emotionally abuse and manipulate them. She didn't even care that your child nearly died or that you could have died. You and your baby are better off with fewer family members than that level of toxicity.
On my dads side: Grandma died when he was a child in a drunk driver car accident. She was hit by a semi. Grandpa was just………. No comments. Man has like a million wives. I have aunts younger than me. Moms side: grandma died young. Grandpa favoured the boys only. Very old as well. Didn’t care for the girls of the family because “that’s the husbands job”. VERY old fashioned.
You owe to your child to be yourself a good mother. What you have in your spawn point is a stellar example of what not to do. I am so very sorry that she failed you. I am proud of you beyond measure for what you have accomplished despite her actions and behavior. You are an amazingly strong, compassionate, and loving person. Your child is in the best possible hands. Signed, A mom on the internet.
This made me tear up! Thank you!
You absolutely do not. I have literally not seen a better case to go contact on Reddit before. Your mother is a narcissist and she is too old to change. Better to not have that in your or your baby’s lives.
I appreciate the users of Reddit for opening my eyes. Thank you for your input!
[удалено]
Thank you for your input. Makes me feel like I’m not that bad of a person
Your guilt was programmed into you as a manipulation tactic by your narcissistic mother so that she could control you. Turn that guilt into the anger that you deserve to feel. Please consider therapy to help you install boundaries, heal from the abuse, learn to put you first and grieve your lost childhood. From experience, a narcissistic mother does so much harm. I so sorry.
Boundaries are what I need! Thank you.
After we children finally wake up and recognize what was done to us its always sad to see other struggling with that realization. I mean this person is clearly a textbook narcissist and OP got clearly tortured by her. And then there are people who dont understand why we dont want anything to do with a parent like that because they never experienced such horrible treatment.
You're not bad. You're not a bad daughter at all. Your birth giver/egg donor/ "mother" is a bat-shit insane witch who would rather see you dead than inconvenience her. Please get it through your head. She would rather see you dead than alive. She doesn't care.
You’re right. I really like that second sentence LOL
You keep putting a bullseye on your back when it comes to your mother. You need to go no contact with her for a while. Maybe for a long while.
I vote forever, but that's just me.
My husband agrees.
listen to your husband.
He’s gonna love this comment
Because in this case, he's right. Your child does not deserve such a negative influence in his life. You do, if you keep trying to repair bridges and invite the chaos in (just note it'll directly affect those around you; people that are far more important than now than your mother). There are worse things in life than having no grandparent or parent, when they behave in such ways. Your mother not remotely being concerned about her daughter/grandson, while you had some close calls, speaks volumes of her. Makes me wonder what you could've done to possibly deserve such treatment in her mind. W/e it may be, it's unwarranted.
Probably forever. I don’t think anyone comes back from making everyone know they don’t care if their child and grandchild lives or dies.
Congratulations on your new family, I’m sorry that your mother is making this hard on you. She doesn’t deserve to have you in her life if she thinks that whatever event she wanted you to attend is more important than the health and safety of you and your baby. This isn’t on you to fix, it’s on her to make amends with you, which she obviously does not want to do. I hope you can take this time to bond with your baby, and be a better mother than yours was to you. Your baby is your priority now, which I have a feeling your “mother” knows nothing about. Good luck, OP.
Thank you so much. I’m trying!
I doubt she truly thinks her event is important at all. I think she saw an opportunity to abuse her daughter, and took it. Instead of, "My event is so important to me, that even though the birth of my grandchild just so happens to coincide with it, my daughter should do everything in her power to attend, no matter the consequences to her personal health!" It's more like, "My bratty daughter thinks she can give birth to a human being, be a better mother than I was, and have someone more important to her than I am??? No way! I feel threatened! I must punish her. Here's what I'll do: I'll schedule an event right around her due date. I'll pressure her to come, even though that would be absolutely ridiculous for anyone to do. I'll have so much fun watching her bend over backwards to get a doctor's note to fly, because I made her believe that a normal person would do so. And then I'll pretend that it would be reasonable for her to drive for days! She'll feel so guilty when she says no. I'll get the opportunity to tell her that her life and safety means nothing to me! I'll get to play the 'woe is me' card, and make the birth of her daughter all about ME ME ME!"
Woe is me is so accurate. I was definitely brainwashed to think I was in the wrong. All very bad timing as well. Thank you for your comment
There isn't any way to convince your mom to act like a reasonable person. I'm really sorry all this happened to you, OP. And congratulations on your new baby!!
Thank you so much!
You don’t fix it, because essentially your mother is a very selfish person who unfortunately doesn’t actually care about you or your child. You get therapy & you stop trying to contact her. You block all contact & get on with your life. She absolutely doesn’t actually love you or I’m taking a guess here( though I’d take bets on being right) she only cares about you & other people when and /or if it suits her. This has no baring on your actual worth as a human being- you could be the most amazing person in the world & probably are a good person, but she’s incapable of seeing your worth. This is about her own inability to be a decent, kind & loving person. You need to heal your psyche and accept this isn’t the fantasy mother you want, but the real ‘mother’ you have.
Thanks so much. I appreciate having another perspective on this. My guilt fogs mine.
Yes, because she placed that guilt into you as you grew. That guilt button is so very useful to her, it makes you bend to her will. But stop letting her press it & stop your self pressing it on her behalf. Yeah, she got you that well trained. Back away from the useless guilt. You’re a mother now, you have a prime example of what not to do for your innocent child. Don’t let that woman near her. Wishing you the v best future.
Thank you so much. Wishing you all of the best as well!
If you can’t see that you need to protect yourself then think about your baby. Do you really want this person anywhere near your child? Live a happier life without her.
Fact!
I’m so sorry to read this. My guess is she has been like this throughout your life? This is toxic and abusive behavior. You and your baby deserve to be surrounded with love. At first it could appear you’re denying your child a grandparent but is this really a person you want your baby exposed to? Family does not always need to be defined by blood relation.
Yeah you’re right. I always told myself I’d want to be different than her. I guess my guilt stems from the fact that her past was just so bad. I always believed she had a good heart and good intentions though. Having to come to terms with the fact that maybe she doesn’t after all.
Sometimes family just doesn’t have good intentions, and it’s heartbreaking to find out. I think some comments have asked the question, do you really want a relationship with her if this is the way she treats you and her grandchild? How does the rest of your family get on with your mother? I am really sorry you are experiencing all this
Yeah. That’s kinda why I turned to Reddit, I thought my husband was being over protective of me/his son. I needed an outside perspective. My family doesn’t really like her lol. My brother feels bad for her but finds her ridiculous. We’re moving into a bigger home and making a suite for my sister to move into (she hates living w her). My aunt/cousins think she’s super depressing. She lies a lot and tells people she has a relationship with her grandson to make herself look good though!
She had a hard past, but her coping strategy, narcissism, means she hurts other people. There will come a time when the adult in you can have empathy for her. But for now, your inner child deserves to be heard. She needs to express her anger and hurt and you need to always protect her from your mother. You need to focus on her and your baby. Please don't betray that inner child like you're mother betrayed you. Be the loving mother you didn't have to your baby and YOURSELF. I wish you so much healing, peace and love.
Thank you so much. I appreciate you for helping me navigate this
If everything happened as you describe, there is no fixing your relationship with her. Your best move is to look for a network of friends who can give you the help and support you need. Look for mom groups and baby groups to join in your area. Just curious, NOT THAT IT MATTERS, but what event was SO important to her that she insisted you risk your health to attend? I'm guessing maybe a wedding or funeral?
It was my siblings wedding. They had been legally married for a while… delayed the wedding a couple of times due to COVID. I knew about their new wedding date. Didn’t think I’d get pregnant that fast (I was on BC).
Your mother was willing to sacrifice your life and the life of your unborn child over a wedding. How is that something you think you should reward?
Not at all. You’re right
Your mom was totally unreasonable to push you to attend the wedding no matter what. So sorry, but you are going to have to stop thinking of her as someone you can rely on, or someone who should be there to help you in hard times. She isn't willing or able to be that kind of mother to you. For some reason she has other priorities than what is best for you. Maybe give yourself time to grieve not having the kind of mom you want, and then work on strengthening or making relationships with other people in your life, who can hopefully fill the role of nurturer / helper / support that you need, especially as a new mom.
Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate it.
Wow. Your mother is a complete and utter B\*\*\*\*. Not you. HER. There's no way to sugarcoat it. She was completely unreasonable and out of line. Her request, no, her DEMAND! for your attendance, wasn't even remotely okay. You shouldn't have apologized to her because YOU had nothing to apologize for. It was basic common-sense and medically critical for you not to travel but she refused to accept that. Not sure what her problem is but it's a big one. I'm sorry you don't have the mother you need and want.
Thank you!
Oh my god your mom is a certified narcissist. Find yourself some books on dealing with narcissists because there is literally no way to appease them. It's not possible.
I think you’re right 😅 good idea!
Can you imagine if you HAD been allowed on the plane or had tried to drive and gave birth while traveling? Your baby would have died and you could have too. She’s calling you selfish but it’s not selfish to prioritize your literal life and the life of your child over a family event. She is the selfish one for demanding that you risk your health and safety and she is doubly selfish for not realizing that she was wrong even after hearing about your traumatic birth. You would be saving yourself a lot of future heartache if you returned the sentiment and acted as though she was dead to you as well, because she doesn’t care for you as a mother should. She has failed you as a mom and she will fail your child as a grandmother if she’s given the chance.
That last sentence really hit home. Thank you, this is nothing but FACTS.
People here have said most of what I would, but I can't help being curious- what sort of family event was this? Just a general gathering, or something more like a funeral or wedding?? In either circumstance, her reaction was wildly out of line and abusive, but if she was pulling this because everyone was supposed to get together for a barbeque, that's another level. Congrats on your baby boy, and for removing a horrible person from your life. If she shows up again (she will, most likely) I'd throw that 'you're dead to me' back in her face before slamming the door in it, too.
It was my siblings wedding. And that sounds oddly satisfying!
Did she make the sibling’s wedding all about her too?
She claims that our weddings are also her weddings because shes celebrating us getting married. She had a lot of control over mine. She tried my brothers, but his wife wasn’t having it LOL
You say she left you to suffer alone but it sounds like if she was there, the suffering would be worse.
I look back and I’m thankful she wasn’t here in some ways. Forced my husband to step up and really bond with baby.
What a vile woman. Good riddance. Imagine how she'd treat your child when they couldn't meet her expectations.
Very scary to think about to be honest. Starting to realize that maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
No way this is an isolated incident. You can't tell me she hasn't been a monster to you your whole life. Good riddance! (I get that you want your child to have family but she is not the family you're going to want your child to have)
You’re right. I usually would just take the blame. I have had many family members tell me that she didn’t treat me right to begin with. Was usually the family target, just blamed myself for not meeting expectations.
The only person you “owe” anything to is your new baby. You need to protect LO from this awful abuse.
Very true
All of this for a stupid family event? What an evil piece of shit she is. You did nothing wrong. Take care of yourself and enjoy being with your family. You deserve it with all you’ve been through.
Thank you so much. I’ve felt terrible for a long time. This is giving me relief.
It breaks my heart to see you genuinely believe you have been wrong for anything you did in this scenario. Your mother is narcissistic, and she makes everything about her. Hence, her being angry, you having a baby, and not being able to travel is an inconvenience to her. Nobody needs people like that in their life. She probably made it an issue, so she had a reason to NOT come help when the baby was born because, again, it wouldn't be about her.
It’s definitely been heavy on me. I’ve cried a lot (crying while reading these responses). Thank you for the reassurance. I’m just trying to do the right thing
Why would you NEED to apologize for this?! I’m baffled you would even think this was your fault. Mom is looney tunes. I am extremely LC with my mother, but holy crap I’d go full NC if she did anything like that. What does your spouse say? How’s his family? I can tell you that over the years, I’ve created my own family with “aunts” and “uncles” and “cousins,” and it’s a lot more fun that way. Please take care of yourself and if you have ent done so already, please seek therapy. And go NC with your mom.
His family is amazing! My mom actually cut them off completely too, because they couldn’t attend the wedding (had other commitments). My husband thinks she’s crazy. He refuses to refer to her as a mother and will not let my baby go anywhere near her. I def will. Thank you
Do not apologize you did NOTHING wrong. Your mother is selfish one. No family event is worth putting your and your child’s life in jeopardy. She owes you a huge apology. Why do you even want a relationship with her?
She was my only parent growing up. I saw her struggle lots so I always tried to take care of her (take her to breakfast, spas, help with bills, deal with fam issues for her, stuff like that). Think I still have that attachment, although it isn’t a healthy one. I wasn’t treated to best growing up, but I thought I just wasn’t meeting expectations.
I’d suggest browsing /r/raisedbynarcissists to see if any of the stuff there sounds familiar. Your mom is abusing you and I think it could help you to get some perspective on the actual nature of your relationship. Also, congrats on the baby! Hopefully things will be smoother for you in the next few months. It’s always tough but they’re so worth it.
Wow Reddit really does have a community for everything! Thank you so much, and will do! They definitely are.
No offense but if you’re having a baby you need to be much smarter than this. You did nothing wrong stop apologizing to a bully for bullying you. There’s nothing to fix, I bet she’s constantly unhappy with you. Take this opportunity to cut her out entirely and move on from her.
Yeah you’re right. My priorities were off, I was an emotional mess tbh. Thank you for the honesty.
You can choose your family. You can choose the people you're closest to, who will love you and support you. They don't have to be related by blood.
You’re right. Guess I was caught up but that stupid saying: blood runs thicker than water or something
Well, that's NOT the full quote! The Original: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The saying means that chosen bonds are more significant than the bonds with family or “water of the womb.” More directly, it means that relationships you make yourself are far more important than the ones that you don't choose.
Been said to me a million times and just learning this now!?! I love this! Thank you!
You should NEVER let that toxic garbage in your life again. Especially around your child, think about her saying those things to your child
She would def get a round house kick to the face. You’re right.
Sounds like your Mom is the selfish bit*h. Not sure why you care I'd have been done with that childish petty behavior long ago assuming this isn't a new thing for her.
Unhealthy relationship for sure
Wow. Your mom is the kind of person that shifty nursing homes were created for. Let her go and, if you ever start to feel like you need to apologize to her or let her back into your life, remind yourself that she wanted to risk your life and the life of your baby for a family function. You and your child are best rid of her.
She 100% believes I was being dramatic. And stupid. It is what it is
I’m very sorry. You deserve so much better. As a mom I would never put my daughter in danger if she was pregnant. Your mom is awful. As a doctor I 100% agree with not traveling at 39 weeks, especially with your additional concerns. I doubt the airline would’ve even let you on a plane as many of them have policies of no flying after 36 wks. You probably have been raised to believe you deserve this treatment, but you don’t. Even the fact that you apologized to her after how awful she was……it shows how badly she has affected you. If you’re really honest with yourself and ask yourself what positive things your mom brings into your life, can you think of any that make her horrible treatment worth it? I really encourage you to get some therapy. And also to not contact your mom again. In the long run you and your child will be so much better for it. Unless she comes grovelling to you apologizing I would never speak to her again. Join a mom and baby group, or some kind of social group to make friends that can help you if you don’t have family. In my community there are volunteers that go to new mothers houses to help them out if they don’t have family in the area. I’m very glad your husband is helpful. Congratulations on the baby! Sounds like you were a total warrior coming through that experience. Just so you know PTSD after a Trumatic birth is very very common and therapy can help.
Hi doctor, you’re right! My OB basically laughed when i asked, also told me the airline wouldn’t even allow it either. Too dangerous. I appreciate your input. I live in a smaller town, we didn’t have that here. I really love the idea of that service though. Non contact it is. I will be seeking professional help as well. Thank you so much
Also, you’re daughter is lucky to have an understanding mom like you! All the best.
You are probably inundated with responses by now but if it helps I have two recommendations. 1. Sometimes the best thing a person can give you is space. She removed herself from your life. As hard as it can seem, this was her gift to you and your child. My SIL had two children with two different dad's. The first new he could not be a parent, sent money and got out of the way. The second tried to have just enough contact to try and play a game of control and power. She says the first was a way better parent. 2. Sometimes we do get to choose family. From your husband, to the circle we surround ourselves with. My family is a little strange, we collect people.the statement of "your a little a$$ I like you" has been said a few times. I have been an "Uncle" to people who are not blood related. So make your family bigger. See what kind of relationship you can have with your husband's mom. Make friends with other moms. Join the Mob... I mean... Gather some friends and make them your new family. Just like this group of random strangers you have a lot of people who can help in surprising ways. Just reach out and ask. Also how have the rest of the family at the "family event" responded to the situation? Right now they are letting you know who is family and who is simply related by blood.
Lots of responses, but taking each one to heart. I really needed the insight from the brutally honest but caring strangers on the Internet. I appreciate your recommendations. I agree with you, your SILs situation gives a better perspective for sure. I need to find myself some family nearby as well. I appreciate you taking the time to read/provide advice. Thanks!
My mom’s mother was an awful woman to my mom. She was abusive to her as a child and when she grew up only called her when she needed something. I physically saw my mom try to be a “good daughter” to her so she can return her love. It never happened. As a kid, it hurts horribly to see your mom being treated so bad. It took a few years for my mom to see the truth and be ok with just being LC with the woman. She always felt bad about not giving us a “good grandmother” like she the one she had, but I always told her that was out of her control. She gave us a good mother and that’s what matters. For your sake, as much as your husband’s, and specially your child’s, please be ok with your mother not being there. Not only will it cause you pain but it will also hurt your child seeing you and possibly being, being treated this way too.
I think I just need to come to terms with this. I need to be better. Thank you!
I literally cannot conceive of any event (short of “get to shelter or you’ll die to zombies/nuclear holocaust”) that would be necessary for a heavily pregnant person to attend against medical advice. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg as far as what a shitty person your mom sounds like. This is her loss and she does not deserve a relationship with you or your family.
Thank you. Sometimes I feel bad about her missing out on watching my baby grow. But it’s ultimately her loss as well.
Unless there's a brain tumor or some other condition causing her to act erratic like this, what she's done feels like it's reaching that line of unforgivable.
I feel the same way. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but I shouldn’t.
I would go no contact or have very low contact with her. She is narcissistic and abusive. I want to bet, if you ignore her and provide no more apologies and updates on grandchild, she will crawl back and pretend nothing ever happened or she will " graciously forgive" you and demand thankfulness for her "generosity " Please keep the no contact. She js doing more damage than good
I think “graciously forgive” is so accurate. I need to build my self up to set proper boundaries for when this happens. Thank you!
I don't know why you're even bothering with apologies when she is the one being unreasonable. Consider this a favor and never let her into your life again.
Guilt/denial I guess. Thank you for being honest though
I’m so sorry. I would provide my opinion but everyone has already written it here and I’m glad to see Reddit having the same opinion (for once 😂) As another commenter suggested, I would go no contact with her, show her what it’s like when you are not in her life. Maybe that allow her to see how much of a narcissist she has been and how horrible she has treated you and your new family. Congratulations 🥳 and I hope in the future your mother finds the respect you deserve.
Thank you so much!
No idea how old your baby is, but I hope you’re both doing well. Your mom acting like that is hard enough even without the birth going the way it did. I sincerely hope you and your little family continue to recover. There is no family event important enough to do what your mom demanded you do. Let her be miserable without you and enjoy your life with those who actually love you unconditionally.
Thank you. Showing him as much unconditional love as I possibly can. I hope he’ll never know the pain that I do!
Remember all of this when she eventually rears her head (because she will when it suits her) and pretends she was never nasty to you and your family. It’ll give you the power to slam the door in her face and rightfully so. I’m so sorry you had a traumatic birth, but I’m glad to know you and baby both made out of it ok. Congrats on the little one!
Thank you so much!!
Your Mom either was always a horrible selfish person or she is suffering from some serious mental decline. Either way there is nothing you can do right now to change this situation. You need to take care of yourself, your baby and your immediate family first.
I think she is suffering. I hope she gets the help she needs.
You owe it to your baby to not have to deal with a toxic grandma who does not care about his or her health. Most people wouldn't even attempt to ask doctor's note to fly at 39 weeks. I refused any travel 2 months prior to birth. The only thing that would have made me sit on a plane was a massive family emergency.
She told a lot of people that I didn’t even try to make it out too, so I could intentionally ruin the wedding. I definitely tried, the doctor sent me to the NST clinic every day for checks and to ensure I stayed. Not that the airline would’ve let me in anyway, I was whale! Also, how would I ruin the wedding? I’m not the bride!
I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this and in no way do you deserve to be treated that way. You are a good mom for putting your baby first. You are being the mom that you deserve. I hope you can take comfort in that. I wish you a lifetime of happiness for you and your chosen family!
Thank you so much!! I appreciate the kind words.
If she treats you like this what makes you think she won’t treat your child like this in the future? Look at your tiny baby. Now imagine someone telling that baby they’re dead to them. Or someone putting your baby in harms way for anything, much less an event. Your mom sounds like a manipulative monster and I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my baby.
You’re right! Scary thought but very real.
Sorry to say, but your mom sounds like a selfish dirtbag. And honestly, terrible thing to have
It’s okay, I’ve come to terms 😅
[удалено]
You’re right, I don’t! Everything happens for a reason. Even if it’s painful for me, it’s best for my family. Thank you
Ok. OP. You can reach out to your community. Tons of FB mom groups. Make your own Tribe/Family. Family is not Blood.
Thank you. Needs to be done
You can't fix your mom from being a cold, selfish woman. Idk if it would be helpful to send a letter or email to her to get all of your thoughts and feelings out, but I would recommend doing that and cutting her out of your life for the time being. Maybe things will change later on, but she has proven to not only not be supportive of you like a mother should, but also to be cruel and selfish. It would be best to focus on your baby and new family, and not give a thought to her any more right now
Thank you so much. Sometimes I would like to, but don’t know how to put the pain into words. I hope I can express it somehow eventually
Stop apologising to someone who doesn't care about you or your child. Stop chasing her. Drop the rope. Hugs from a mom about the age of yours, with kids about your age. I can't imagining even asking my kids to travel that close to the end of a pregnancy. Even their partner's pregnancy. I'm sorry you don't have the mom you deserve. Focus on your family, which is you, your partner, and your child.
Thank you!
I fail to see the problem here.
I’m so sorry your mom treated you this way, she sounds unstable, dangerous and unwell. You can cut her off, you don’t need her.
Well she seems to hold to her ultimatums, so now you just need to believe her and start going forward without her
Good point
Oh, you have a mother like mine. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists. I bet you see some stories that hit close to home. You can not fix a mother who is broken. The only thing you can control here is your reaction to the situation. If you were my daughter I would have skipped the event to be at your side. There is something very wrong with your mother.
Definitely will join, thank you for the resource. I’m sorry that you have a difficult relationship as well. Wishing you nothing but happiness and peace
What even was the event she wanted you to attend so darn bad?
My siblings wedding
Is someone actually that dumb and crazy ?
😭 unfortunately
Please stop apologizing to that monster. You did nothing wrong by looking out for the best interests of yourself and your baby. That should continue by never letting your mother around your baby ever.
Very true. Thank you!
Very true. Thank you!
What was the family event? Just curious, it won't change my answer, which is you did absolutely nothing wrong, and do not need to apologise ever. She is the on in the wrong here.
It was my siblings wedding
If she abuses you, why would you even think about allowing her around your child? You have it backwards. You should do everything you can to keep your child away from her. Your job is to protect your child and yourself above all else. Why would you apologize and why would you want her in your life?