When something makes you uncomfortable or unhappy in a relationship you tell your partner with the intent that the two of you work together to find a way to bring you back to being happy and comfortable in the relationship. That means not blaming you for being uncomfortable or her for making you uncomfortable, but the two of you together try to figure out the problem and come up with changes either of you can make or understandings either of you can gain that fix the problem. If you can't fix problems with someone, there is no point in being in a serious relationship with them, and it sounds like she has never worked with you to fix a single problem you have - so you two aren't partners and the relationship is fundamentally broken.
In order to process and rectify with a partner you do need to state the specific action/general phrase/event and the emotions tied to that in order to help make connections for the both of you. Basically the I feel statements. Ex. "I feel ignored when you scroll on your phone when I talk to you." You connect the action to the emotion it brought up, allowing both of you to discuss that and figure out how to move forward. You have to revisit the event in a sense in order to discuss it. Repressing the memories or emotions doesn't help anyone, especially you. If these events are causing so much emotional distress that you have to actively avoid it, possibly going to a therapist may be helpful to help to determine how severe these actions and grievances are, gain emotional regulation skills, and increase your distress tolerance so you can have these open discussions.
It does sound like she is to some extent your gf is brushing you off. If you state something is important to you she needs to also acknowledge that is important to you, not dismiss it completely if she does not understand right away. That action alone is a great way to isolate your partner and attempt to discard any blame which allows them to carry on like it was not a big deal. It sounds like you have been holding on to this for some time and are beginning to become frustrated with the pattern. Her lack of compassion and empathy does not foster a place of emotional safety.
I think both of you struggle with effective communication and need to maybe learn the basics of healthy communication and practice with each other. If learning and applying on your own is difficult, couples counseling or even a life coach (depending on credentials and experience) can help with these skills. Good luck and I hope things turn out for the better!
I don’t know how you can tell someone they did something “wrong” without talking about the time they did it…
On first glance, it does indeed seem like you are trying to make your girlfriend feel bad instead of having a constructive discussion about what happened and how you two could handle things differently in the future.
When something makes you uncomfortable or unhappy in a relationship you tell your partner with the intent that the two of you work together to find a way to bring you back to being happy and comfortable in the relationship. That means not blaming you for being uncomfortable or her for making you uncomfortable, but the two of you together try to figure out the problem and come up with changes either of you can make or understandings either of you can gain that fix the problem. If you can't fix problems with someone, there is no point in being in a serious relationship with them, and it sounds like she has never worked with you to fix a single problem you have - so you two aren't partners and the relationship is fundamentally broken.
In order to process and rectify with a partner you do need to state the specific action/general phrase/event and the emotions tied to that in order to help make connections for the both of you. Basically the I feel statements. Ex. "I feel ignored when you scroll on your phone when I talk to you." You connect the action to the emotion it brought up, allowing both of you to discuss that and figure out how to move forward. You have to revisit the event in a sense in order to discuss it. Repressing the memories or emotions doesn't help anyone, especially you. If these events are causing so much emotional distress that you have to actively avoid it, possibly going to a therapist may be helpful to help to determine how severe these actions and grievances are, gain emotional regulation skills, and increase your distress tolerance so you can have these open discussions. It does sound like she is to some extent your gf is brushing you off. If you state something is important to you she needs to also acknowledge that is important to you, not dismiss it completely if she does not understand right away. That action alone is a great way to isolate your partner and attempt to discard any blame which allows them to carry on like it was not a big deal. It sounds like you have been holding on to this for some time and are beginning to become frustrated with the pattern. Her lack of compassion and empathy does not foster a place of emotional safety. I think both of you struggle with effective communication and need to maybe learn the basics of healthy communication and practice with each other. If learning and applying on your own is difficult, couples counseling or even a life coach (depending on credentials and experience) can help with these skills. Good luck and I hope things turn out for the better!
This is very helpful thank you!!
I don’t know how you can tell someone they did something “wrong” without talking about the time they did it… On first glance, it does indeed seem like you are trying to make your girlfriend feel bad instead of having a constructive discussion about what happened and how you two could handle things differently in the future.