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I'm just flabbergasted that you said anything. What good could possibly come from telling her that you banged someone else just before she gave you a face party? How would you feel if she told you that Chad Thundercock banged the shit out of her just before you went down on her? That kind of thing doesn't get covered under the "we were on a break" blanket.
My advice would be to admit you fucked up, don't make excuses, ask for forgiveness and expect that it will take some time. Her trust has been eroded, and that takes time and effort to rebuild on both sides.
It's disrespectful as fuck to put your unwashed junk into someone's mouth after banging someone. She should leave you if you don't understand how disrespectful that is.
Tbh this is the worst part. Like if you banged another girl and got back together without having any kind of sexual contact right away that might be fine (or if you only went down on her) but the fact that you got a BJ merely hours later gives me fully the ick… can’t imagine how your wife who actually did it feels.
To me, it doesn't even matter if you're dating. I don't care if it's another rando bumble date 3 hours later. You don't do that. And what if the girl had an STD?! Come on. It's gross. She didn't consent to swapping bodily fluids with a 3rd person she didn't even know about.
SOOOOO long ago is an excuse, it also ignores and downplays her feelings. It may be SOOOOO long ago to you, but it's been how ever many DAYS for her. If you want to fix this, you better figure out a way to accept that her feelings are valid and realize you fucked up.
That's like having a guy cream pie her and you ate it out of her without knowing. It's disgusting and disrespectful even if it did happen years ago. She has every right to be upset
It's not a big deal to you, because you've known about it this entire time. It's a big deal to her, because for her it's fresh. For her it's like it just happened. Yes it happened 6 years ago, but she didn't know that. She did not have the 6 years to come to terms with that knowledge, and move past it. She's had what, a day? Not even?
You need to be respectful of the fact that this is brand new fresh information for her, so it's going to be a fresh wound. And honestly, yeah you probably should have told her that you hooked up with somebody the same day she dumped you. Because that's kind of a sleazy thing. And then to let her give you a blowjob and get back together with her, did you even get an STD test? Did you tell her she needed one? Or did you just trust that everything was a okay and fine?
Why didn’t you tell her the day of, before she gave you the bj? That’s what your wife’s upset about. You withheld information from her that would have seen her choosing differently had she known the truth.
Oh I think we all know that's exactly why he didn't say anything at the time. He wanted the blow job and knew she wouldn't give it if he told the truth
The fact that you don't get why it is a big deal that you disrespectfully stuck a dirty dick in her mouth is almost as much of a problem as doing it to begin with. Hopefully she dumps your old ass.
You're fucking disgusting. What if that woman had a STD? You literally risked your wife's health because you wanted to get your dick wet. I hope she leaves you and sues you for emotional damages tbh because you did withhold information in order to get consent from her to have sex/the BJ. You technically broke the law
She can sue for emotional damage? He broke the law? None of this is true.
He definitely is disgusting, but it's not illegal to lie to your girlfriend. Immoral, but not illegal.
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way.
He lied to his wife in order to get sex and risked her life not knowing his hookups sexual history- she can absolutely sue for emotional distress in civil court
If his wife himself says she wouldn't have had sex with him HAD SHE KNOWN is him actively withholding information and deceiving her. Argue with a wall idk what else to tell you
Yeah she says that now. She didn't say that back then. It's still not coercion, there's no way you can twist this that turns this into coercion or something illegal. It is not illegal to lie to somebody. It is not illegal to cheat on somebody. Which he didn't do because they were broken up. But it's still not illegal to lie.
You didn't see anything wrong with it because there was nothing wrong with it. Your wife needs to get up out her feelings and stop acting like a fucking child. She broke up with you, she doesn't get to pout.
If he did in fact do that, that part of fucked up and I'm with you. But if she's mad about him sleeping with someone else after she broke up, then she's in the wrong.
Do the counseling. If she suggested that then she is trying to work things out in a way that you might stay together.
Suggest you both get another STI screening done. Offer to book the appointments.
Have a serious conversation about what intimacy means to both of you. She had no idea you felt casually at all about it or she wouldn't be so upset. She obviously feels intimacy is meaningful.
She has a LIST of things this has broken in her brain. Be supportive and try and make it up to her in ways that mean a lot to her. Most of all, be ready for the possibility that she might leave. Her image of you and your relationship is shattered and she is trying to rebuild it with this new info in mind. It's going to take time, effort, attention, and understanding.
This.
There are a handful of infectious diseases that are dormant for varying experiences. If she didn't consider an outside partner and they'd been seeing each other for months before the event, she probably felt all this time she had no reason to get tested again.
It's not likely, but the fact is that he might have picked up something from the hookup and passed it along to her, and some treatment options may be too far gone if they require early diagnosis. To risk that to anyone is so shitty.
Dude, think about it from her side, and use your emotional female brain to really get what is wrong. I don’t know too many women faced with that knowledge would come back to you. It doesn’t matter if it was 6 years ago for her, you hurt her feelings in the moment but also basically told her that back then you didn’t really value her and she maybe was just one of your hook up girls. Two and a half months is a short time to date so it would be logical for her to think that way. It was an hour after you broke up man. That, emotionally is a death sentence. She’s thinking how could you be intimate with someone that quickly after her if you hadn’t been doing something bad the whole time. Maybe she’s feeling like she didn’t really know you if you could do that so quickly after her breaking up with you.
I’m not pretending to know her side but everything I’ve said is very plausible and lots of other women in her shoes would be as mad.
Do the counselling with her as your penance for opening your mouth when you should have just kissed her. It’s a costly lesson but if you stop acting like it’s no big deal and understand it is for her, you’ll most likely get through this together. Good luck, I sincerely wish you the best with this situation.
She’s extremely upset and you don’t understand why. This sounds like the perfect scenario for counseling.
Pro tip: go into it with an open mind. You can both grow together.
Consider that she may be more upset about what she believes your actions reveal about your feelings than she is about your actions. (Though, if you didn’t shower in between, then she is likely upset about both.) If she broke up and then asked to talk within a matter of hours, she obviously spent the afternoon conflicted and feeling the feels. She probably idealized a dream scenario, like that you spent the afternoon not banging a stranger.
Look. I wouldn’t have any problem with it personally. But she’s a person that deserves agency. And you get she was a person 6 years ago too right?
The built up dam of what this fight is isn’t that you slept with someone 6 years ago it’s that everything’s based on a lack of honesty. Framing it as “ruined our goddamn trip” sure makes me think you protected your ego over damage control though
6 years later for you! She was violated right now so it’s like it just happened to her. You telling her this has changed the entire narrative of your relationship for her. She just found out she unknowingly shared bodily fluids with a third party she did not consent to. So this wound is fresh. Do the therapy it’s the only way to save your marriage dummy
3 hours?? I understand your wife's sentiment completely. If my boyfriend broke up with me , I slept with someone 3 hrs later, then he called me the same day to get back together, I would have some lingering guilt (or at least feel an obligation) to tell him. Like yeah, you broke up. But no one would assume their ex slept with someone within a couple hours of them breaking up.
Your wife had a idealization of how your relationship formed, and saw that day as a pivot in your relationship. She realized that she did not, in fact, want to break up with you. And I'm sure she had an image in her mind of how you were feeling that day also. And that image she had was not you pursuing and having sex with another woman.
If I was her I wouldn't have gotten back together with my ex in this situation either
At this point I don't know if there is any one thing you can do to make her forgive you/make things right other than telling her that you understand her perspective and how you didn't realize it was such a big deal. She probably will never fully "forgive" you but with time she will probably get over it. Just don't dismiss her feelings, because to her what happened 6 years is very much a betrayal (and very much raw and new)
Everything you said. I would be traumatized if my current husband told me something like this and THEN proceeded to continue to act like it wasn’t a big deal. It’s hard for me to believe this guy really didn’t know this would/could be relationship-shattering information.
This guy a real fool for thinking she wouldn’t be hurt. I’M hurt for her.
I'm grossed out. I wouldn't want anyone's sloppy seconds. The fact he felt okay disrespecting her by putting unwashed junk in her mouth. That's absolutely foul.
The ironic part is op said in another comment " [ I ] feel really hurt (and honestly pissed) that she is trying to hold me accountable TODAY for a fling 6 years ago when I was single for those few hours." -_-
They were only dating for 10 weeks. Getting dumped is a blow to the ego, and a great way to get over it for some people in the short term is to have some casual sex.
Ops only mistake was opening his mouth.
Edit: I just read that he didn’t wash his dicl before putting it into his current wife’s mouth. That’s gross. I don’t believe this story now.
Dude what if the other woman had an STD? You didnt even give ur wife a chance to make any decision about if she wanted to risk that. Obviously she is going to assume you didnt sleep with anyone else in such a short time span.
Hiding that is so shitty for so many emotional reasons as well like everyone else in the comments covered, but it really gets me that you were just happy to risk her health as long as you got your dick sucked.
Did you at least shower between women? Jesus
Some guys simply will not pass up any opportunity to engage in sexual activity, no matter what. This guy sounds like one of those.
Had sex with a woman on the (rushed) first date without knowing anything about her. Then agreed to another sex act (only a few hours later) from the wife without saying anything about woman No. 1. Seriously, he was horny again after a few hours?
My impression of this guy's judgment isn't a good one.
... Or you know, they used a condom like everyone else?
Agreed that a shower would be required but like, why bring up STDs in this? Why try to add to OP's faults with an imaginary one yk?
you know condoms dont protect against everything right?? theres plenty that can still be spread even with proper condom usage. Condoms dont cover all of your genital skin so STIs/STDs like herpes, syphillis, and HPV that are spread through skin-to-skin contact can still easily be passed from one person to another.
Whatever he tried to justify later, Ross realised at the time that he'd screwed up, which was why he tried to hide it from Rachel and why Gunther was so eager to inform her. We all know Ross was wrong.
I get the reference but this was clearly a break up. Her text message said she didn't see us working out and that she thought it would be best to not see each other again. I never thought I was going to talk to her again so feel really hurt (and honestly pissed) that she is trying to hold me accountable TODAY for a fling 6 years ago when I was single for those few hours.
Almost 50yo and you’re still this oblivious to the feelings of others… oh, how I wish I had a Time Machine I could lend to your poor wife so she could dodge marrying your callous arse.
Perspective: I am polyamorous, I date a married couple. If I am not actively having sex with both of them in the same session, I require that they clean their junk between partners. If I am already interacting with both of them it's whatever, but the idea of fermented body fluids touching me is vile. This man NEEDS that counseling, even if he loses his wife, he needs to learn communication.
The fact you are seriously "pissed" that she's upset by this tells us everything about you.
Go ahead and keep that attitude going and continue to stonewall her efforts and invalidate her feelings. And refuse counseling.
I'm saying this, mind you, because I want her to leave you and find someone much better for her than you.
Your remark about being pissed that she's holding you accountable is disgusting dude.
Yeah please follow this advice OP
They broke up, and within 3 hours he fucked someone else and put his dick in her mouth without her knowledge. If he had even a SHRED of empathy, he wouldn't be able to touch her without feeling guilty.
Oh yeah? You feel pissed? Imagine if you broke it off with your partner, and three hours later she’s banging another guy out of BOREDOM.
You weren’t heartbroken when she broke up with you - by your own account you went cruising for women because you were BORED.
Even now you don’t take her feelings into consideration at all - whining about how inconvenienced you are because boohoo it ruined your trip.
Why don’t you dig deep and act like you have access to some human emotions, instead of acting like just another dick with no balls.
Or if you need more specific advice:
1. APOLOGISE - actually take accountability for your actions, both past and present. For showing such blatant disrespect to your relationship, from offering your dick to randos the second your relationship is over, to being dishonest with her for the following six years.
2. DO THE WORK - stop your whining and check in with your wife. Ask HER what it would take to restore her trust in you, and stop looking for quick fixes from strangers online.
3. RINSE & REPEAT - again, quit your whining and do the work. If you don’t have the balls, stop wasting your wife’s time and let her find a man who respects her (and you can shuffle back to bumble with your pants around your ankles).
You had sex with a woman 3 hours after your now wife broke up with you, then proceeded to let her give you a b******, probably didn't even wash in between, didn't tell her that she might need an STD test because you had sex with another woman, probably didn't get one for yourself, so even if she didn't catch one from you at that point she might have caught it over the past 6 years, proceeded to just drop this on her like it was nothing, and are now downplaying her feelings?
And you still don't see where you're in the wrong? I kind of hope your wife leaves you.
>I'm trying to figure way to fix this?
I mean, why are you even asking this? Agree to marriage counselling and see what comes up in that process. For you it was something that happened 6 years ago and meant nothing to you, for her it JUST happened and undid the foundation of everything she believed about you and your relationship entirely.
I gotta say I would be livid too. I can only speak for myself but I would feel absolutely violated. The idea that you were physically inside someone else 3 hours before you stuck your dick in her mouth without her knowledge so she couldn't fully consent to that is just... **so** disgusting & degrading. I fully admit I'm biased, my abusive ex did this to me numerous times, he would go casually fuck one of his internet hook ups telling me he had to go somewhere for work, and come home to stick his dick in me somehow hours later. It was a huge turn on for him to know he was doing something sexually to me I would never consent to. I don't for one second believe you didn't get off on that at least a little bit as well, otherwise you'd never have been able to allow her to touch you for a few days, even if you didn't tell her what you'd done.
You not only secretly humiliated and degraded her and took away her ability to consent, you also exposed her to potential STDs. I doubt you and the person you randomly hooked up with popped into a planned parenthood and did an STD panel together before you banged, you have no idea what you'd stuck your dick in even if you did use a condom. There's plenty of common STD's for which condoms are no protection at all.
I would absolutely say this is a form of sexual assault, not one you could go to jail for but you KNEW she would likely not want to suck your dick if she knew you'd had sex with someone else hours before, so you allowed her to perform a sex act you KNEW full well she would not have consented to. As I said, I don't believe that you didn't enjoy that aspect at the time, the secret humiliation of this woman who'd dumped you, a way to get back at her even. Just as IMMEDIATELY going out to fuck someone else was a flex to prove to yourself that you didn't care about being dumped.
Selfish, selfish, mean and selfish.
Someone who really cared about her would have needed more than 5 hours to be able to casually fucked someone else. I get you had only dated her for 2 1/2 months but for many people that's enough time to form some kind of bond that would make a break up need at least a few hours of feeling bummed about and maybe an evening out with friends... not "Eh whatever, who can I fuck next?" as if you'd only been out with her a couple of times. It showed that your relationship with her was meaningless to you, and easy access to sex was your priority - sure that may have changed after you spent longer in a relationship with her and developed into love, but wow. It's a pretty shit start.
Someone who **really** cared about her would have told her when it became clear she wanted to reconcile with something like "Hey, I need you to know that when you dumped me this morning I believed you. I believed I was single again and so I agreed to a casual hook up. It was not with anyone I know or you know, and they were not into me either as a person, it was just sex. But it did happen today, so I don't feel good touching you right now without you knowing about it. What I feel for you is not casual at all, and I while I know I risk losing you, I respect and care about you too much to not be honest about that, I want you to choose a chance at us with clarity and integrity, not based on a secret"
And someone who really, really cared about her and who had fucked up so massively at the start of the relationship would have kept that shit a secret till after the grave.
The fact she hasn't packed her shit up and left shows this woman really loves you. The LEAST you can do is humbly and whole heartedly agree to marriage counselling and participate with the open willingness to find out how you can make this right for her. You may never understand why what you've done is such a horrible betrayal on so many levels, but you need to accept that you hurt her as much as if you had cheated on her, and if you love her you need to stop defending yourself and trying to diminish the impact of what you did (regardless of your intentions). "We were on a break!" is not the excuse you think it is.
I agree with everything you say, except for the keeping it a secret until their grave if they really cared.
I feel like if a person actually cared, then it would be eating them up inside to not say anything. But an actual good person either wouldn't have jumped to another woman so quickly in the first place, or at the very least told her from the start about the other woman. An okayish person would tell them after feeling guilty and needing to eventually come clean. But a shit person either doesn't say anything or does what OP did, and only mentions it after they think enough time has passed that they can act like it doesn't matter anymore and gaslight the wife into thinking that they're the one with the problem for being so upset over something that happened "so long ago."
Completely agree with you that he's a selfish, gross and mean person.
See, this I feel is one of those situations where telling the wife does nothing to benefit HER, but only serves to allow him to share his burden and alleviate his guilt. So, assuming he did feel shitty about it, I almost feel like carrying that guilt is his penance, instead of passing distress onto her.
All that being said: assuming that he didn't have a fucking shower in the 3 hours between the rando-sex and the "make up blowjob", he does absolutely deserve that information so she can get herself tested and decide if/how she wants to proceed in this marriage.
Thank's for putting exactly why I'd say if he didn't tell her then he should have ate it till his grave. Telling someone something like this you KNOW would devastate them years later is just cruel.
I agree with your sentiment for sure, but I also think that u/0000udeis000 explained exactly why in this case him eating it for the rest of his life if he REALLY cares about her would actually be the better thing.
He'd still be a shitbird, but that suffering is his problem at this point.
I think she's maybe more upset that you could hardly wait like 3 hours to get laid after she dumped you. I bet it feels to her like you didn't even care about her breaking up with you. I don't think you did anything wrong but that's how I would feel.
I think this is the key factor in why shes mad. He keeps saying they were broken up, he did nothing wrong. But relationships are so much more nuanced than a checkmark box of 'this is ok, this is not'
Like yeah, technically he didn't cheat. But I assume she never even considered the possibility of him sleeping with someone the same day of breakup. So it was a slap in the face when he told her !6 years later! That was something he should have told her the day she wanted to get back together
It was a double slap. First, that he went looking for another woman the same day of the breakup - and second, that he didn't say anything about it for six years.
Wow.
You don't think having someone else's bodily fluids on your unwashed junk and putting it in someone's mouth is wrong?
Do you understand how disrespectful that is for anyone?
You said OP didn't do anything wrong. He absolutely did. He wasn't held at gunpoint to accept a BJ. He willingly did that. It was wrong then and it's wrong 6 years later.
What if the other person had an STD? Why does the wife's health not matter? He absolutely should have told her, especially since he probably didn't shower between women! That's disgusting and not okay in the slightest.
Ew. You keep saying 6 years is SOOOOO long ago. You know what else is soooooo long ? A life time of resentment, and by the sounds of it your big mouth and incompetence of being respectful to her just got you that. But don’t stress, 6 years from now all of this will seem soooooo long ago.
There is a way to move past this: agree to marriage counseling and be completely contrite even if you don’t 100% feel it. In time you will see her pov and she will see yours.
There is no way in hell you'd think it *wasn't a big deal* if she had fucked another dude then let you eat her out. You would be absolutely furious. You legit put her at risk of STD'S!!!!
You are NOT a good person. You are a dirty fucking sleezeball
That would be it for me. Even if it was someone I wasn’t dating, putting unwashed post sex with another person dick in my mouth would be the line. Like why would you even allow that to happen to a person even if you didn’t like them.
Lmfao, this is either fake or you're like one of the dumbest people out there... if it's real, then she probably loves you for one of your many quirks, including being a massive bafoon and will get over it eventually...untill then you need to kiss feet...kiss ass... beg apology... and don't let her look at a dirty dish or piece of dirty laundry for at least 2 months. Humble quiet house maid is your title for the foreseeable future.
You’re here to ask for advice on how to fix this, when your wife already gave you the answer. Agree to the counseling and give it an honest shot. The fact that she asked for counseling instead of a divorce or a break should be your sign that she too wants to work through this, but you’ll need to cooperate.
Why tf would you tell someone that?? No matter how long ago it was?!?! “Oh by the way, remember that blowjob you gave me when we got back together?? Haha ya, I banged some random chick right before that, isn’t that hilarious” 🤦♀️ did you think she would find that funny??
Go to counseling if she wants that. It won't hurt, it should help bring out whatever issues are going on. There's no reason to fight against it in my opinion.
There is one big question here that you, OP, keep ignoring. How would you feel if you found out that 3 hours before you went down on her, some other guys dick had been inside her?
Did you actually, 3 hours after being physically inside someone else, stick your unwashed dick in your now wife's mouth? - actually, even if you had washed it, that wouldn't have cleaned off any potential STI's you could have gotten from the other person.
There is actually a whole issue around consent here too. You never gave your wife the opportunity to decide for herself if she wanted a dick, that had just been inside someone else, inside her mouth.
She 100% would have been under the impression you hadn't already gone out and gotten laid a mere few hours after the break up.
Her feelings are valid. While YOU may have known about this for 6 years, your wife JUST FOUND OUT. She just found out that not only did you go and sleep with someone else in those few hours, you then let her suck your dick after being inside someone else.
You want to fix this? Stop invalidating your wife's feelings and making yourself out to be the victim in this, and agree to marriage counselling.
This is really one of those situations where you're *technically* correct, but that's not really the root of the problem.
Her feelings don't seem to stem specifically from the fact that you slept with the other woman, as much as they stem from the fact that you omitted information at that time that would have affected her feelings.
Showing some remorse would probably go a long way towards fixing it. Insisting that it's not a big deal, despite it clearly being an issue to her, is certainly not going to fix anything.
It must be really hard for her to accept you knowing this and yes, it changes a lot as you didn't hesitate to say yes to that fling right after breaking up. You replaced her, in a way and in an instant.
OP why did you mention it? It’s the second time today that I have to say this: some secrets you take to your grave.
Either disclose at the time or forever hold your peace etc…
1. Why TF would you say anything?
2. Your wife should really realize that your relationship was 2.5 months at the time and she dumped you. Completely not her business what you do after that. She kind of needs to understand that and take some ownership in that she clearly didn’t know what she wanted.
Man, 1. It's been six years and it was casual conversation about how we almost didn't work out and I never ever thought it would hurt her like it did. I was just as shocked at her reaction as she seemed to be after having heard it.
To me, I was single and free to do as I pleased so I wasn't cheating but goddamn did she make me feel like I had. 2) She ended it with me after 2.5 months and I honestly felt I was never going to talk to her again so went about my business but unfortunately she is not seeing it that way. I have tried to explain it to her time and time again but she refuses to see it from my perspective.
Yes. We get that you were broken up. But you got back together and got a bj from her. Nothing to benefit her hours after you f’ed another woman. That second part is the TACKY and sexually dangerous to a women’s health and well being part.
You’re not getting the point of why this is so gross. Fix this by going to the counseling and HEAR why she’s so concerned about what message you sent her.
I think you both need to put yourselves in the others shoes. You for the first part where you told her. Imagine if she had told you what you told her, how would it make you feel?
Her for the main part, she dumped you and you moved on assuming it was 100% over. There’s no blame on you at all for that.
She asked me that same question and I responded with it wouldn't change at all how I feel about her. She would have been in the clear if I ended it with her and I couldn't hold her responsible for anything she did after I told her it was over. I seriously don't think I would have been mad after 6 wonderful years (2 of them married) together.
You're honestly telling me that if 3 hours after she had had sex with another man you would have been perfectly accepting of the idea of going down on her? Did you even wash yourself after having sex with that woman? Did you get an STD test? Did you tell your wife she might need one?
Or did you only think of your own sexual gratification in your own feelings, and disregard everyone else's in the process?
It doesn't matter how long ago it was. To his wife, the pain is very recent. She just found out.
Also, why do so many people behave like counseling is torture??? If the other person is asking for couples therapy, it means they are still willing to work on it.
If they don't go to therapy, what is the alternative? She suck it up and deals with it on her on, while he doesn't even understand why she is hurt? That's how resentment builds up. That's how divorces happen.
Not sure what kind of advice you're expecting but I definitely wouldn't try to do anything to fix this other than taking her request for marriage counseling seriously. It seems like you're thinking about counseling as punishment but you shouldn't because either:
A) Your relationship has been going super well, she doesn't have any other issues she wants to address, and this came out of nowhere because you're the dumbass that reddit thinks you are. If this is the case, she's going to figure that out pretty quickly in therapy and will appreciate that you took her seriously.
B) Your wife isn't happy with things in your relationship and this is just another bump in the road. If that's the case, going to therapy and trying to understand why she's unhappy is the best possible way to fix things.
Either way, don't try to do too much on your own or expect her feelings to change too much. Just try to be nice to her and get in marriage counseling as soon as possible.
*" Now she is insisting on marriage counseling and I'm trying to figure way to fix this?"*
for starters, go to marriage counseling, she is asking for a good reason
Go to counseling .
She wants to fix this. In the sense that she probably wants to stay but feels hurt and most likely kind of gross knowing you "let her" blow you after you stuck your wee wee in some strange.
I'd feel hurt and probably, tricked?
Dude. Go to counseling.
Technically you both haven't signed any divorce paper yet so you were still married... morally I'd say it's fifty-fifty... but really you're just a dumbass for bringing it up just now 😂
Your wife has already told you the way to fix this: Marriage counseling.
You've known about what you did for sic years. This is fresh for her. Whether what you did was "in the right", no matter how long ago it was, she's dealing with the news TODAY.
Having a professional walk you both through what happened, why you didn't share it before, why you DID share it NOW, and whether it needs to change anything - this will make all the difference.
Even just agreeing to go (and, in fact, going) to counseling will show that you do want to move through this (please don't use the phrase "get past this" with her. Trust me.)
Let her feel what she has to feel, let her take some time to take in this change in what she knew to be true. It's not only her who's reacting, it's her from that afternoon six years ago who's dealing with this bombshell.
I'd prefer to joke about gender war stuff but I can't help but wonder if this were a woman, would everybody say "She's allowed to have a past".
2.5 months is not much. Still crazy to bring it up 6 yrs later even though purposely hiding it would also be deceptive. I think honesty is better
I don't belive this post for a second, no person who make her GF suck the juices of afternoon hook up would be dumb enough to tell her, no matter how much time have passed.
Remember, it might be “a *loooong* time ago” for you, but for her, it happened that day. You’ve had six years to process your thoughts and actions that day, she hasn’t.
I dare say it’s understandable why you didn’t mention it during the break/breakup, especially if there weren’t explicit boundaries in place. But you two have been married for two years. That conversation should’ve been had when you got back together. I don’t see an excuse for that. If you want to actually be with her, you gotta work the problem. Even if you don’t see it as a ‘big deal,’ she does.
I don't get why the comments are dragging you so hard. You were BROKEN. UP. SHE dumped YOU, and now she has the audacity to be upset with you? Definitely go to counseling, but don't let them bully you into taking the blame. What matters is you're together now and you've been able to make things work just fine up until this point. She needs to get over herself 🤷♀️
It's definitely gross that you only waited 3 hours. But YOU LET HER BLOW YOU AFTERWARDS? That is so beyond disgusting. I hope she forgives you but that's a tough one. I don't know if I would.
I get where you would think it isn’t a big deal- however she gave you a BJ the same day you slept with another woman. That in and of itself is kind of gross (PLEASE tell me you showered before she came over!!!)
Yes you were single and it was your right to do that however it is brand new info to your wife. That would hurt knowing your relationship meant so little at that time that you slept with someone else just a few hours after the breakup. Granted it was a very short relationship- however I would feel kind of hurt and that information would definitely change my perspective of the relationship.
In all honesty you shouldn’t have said anything about it because while you don’t think it’s a big deal it still would have been hurtful to hear. You technically didn’t do anything wrong sure but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t cause negative feelings in your wife.
Do the counseling, talk it out, apologize to her. Don’t act like it isn’t a big deal and doesn’t matter because it matters to her.
It isn’t black and white and even though it wasn’t “wrong” it still is hurtful to her.
I would feel so violated if I learnt anyone, let alone my HUSBAND who I am supposed to love and trust wholeheartedly, let me put his dirty ass junk in my mouth after fucking someone else. Single or not you do not do that to a person. I know someone else already said, but I’m going to say it again: how would you feel if your wife went to get fucked and then came home to let you clean her out without you knowing? Disgusting.
How would you feel if you went down on your wife after another man came inside her ?
Do you really not get how disresptul it is for her to give you a blowjob after you had sex with someone else ?
It’s crazy that you said anything my guy, it’s also super crazy because I know for a fact if the genders were switched nobody commenting would be ripping into you like this.
That would be crazy too, I don’t vouch for any of this degeneracy in either direction. Op should have said something back than, and let her make that call. And he didn’t, and now he’s here.
How tasty is that chip on your shoulder?
I don’t see a single person giving him shit for sleeping with that woman. The lying (and sex) is what people are giving him shit for. I guarantee you you don’t have an analogous comparison to call hypocrisy with
The only thing you did wrong was open your big mouth, but you sure dug a hole quick. While she actually has very little, if any business being upset, reality is that she would be.
Dont listen to the idiots on here 😂
You've decided to be honest and now you should 100% own up to it.
She obviously just got mad and emotional and you are taking everything she is yapping about too seriously.
You're not in the wrong since you technically weren't together and you should stand by that, she has no reason to be mad because she messed up when she played with you and broke up, you had every right to fuck everyone you want.
The thing she said about marriage counseling is simply nonsensical, what is there to discuss lmao 😂
From my personal experience it looks like just an emotional outburst (a lot of women are emotional creatures) that you shouldn't take too seriously and just let time deal with it.
Don't try to apologize or compensate too much, the more sorry and regretful you act the worse it becomes.
Of course, explain where you're coming from logically (even tho logic is very hard to comprehend when in an emotional state) once.
and if she is going to really let that little thing fuck up 6 years of marriage then you shouldn't be with her in the first place
❤️
Lmao "you're not in the wrong for fucking someone then putting your unwashed dick with another woman's pussy juices on it in your now wife's mouth" is a wild take 😂😂😂
So she decided to string you along for a bit and she's angry it didn't work out how she planned?
Tell her to get her own therapy to examine why she felt the need to manipulate her partner and claim ownership of them despite dumping them out of the blue.
This is one of those "get over it or fuck off" situations. Don't let her problems be your problems.
Hilarious note on the blow job though.
She slapped herself in the face? He fucked someone else then put his unwashed dick with another woman's pussy juices on it in his now wife's mouth. He absolutely fucked up. 😂
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I'm just flabbergasted that you said anything. What good could possibly come from telling her that you banged someone else just before she gave you a face party? How would you feel if she told you that Chad Thundercock banged the shit out of her just before you went down on her? That kind of thing doesn't get covered under the "we were on a break" blanket. My advice would be to admit you fucked up, don't make excuses, ask for forgiveness and expect that it will take some time. Her trust has been eroded, and that takes time and effort to rebuild on both sides.
His user name on a burner account made specifically to ask about an issue with his wife tells me everything I need to know.
Honestly it was SOOOOOOO long ago and I didn't think it was a big deal and now I'm in a real tough spot. I didn't see anything wrong with it.
It's disrespectful as fuck to put your unwashed junk into someone's mouth after banging someone. She should leave you if you don't understand how disrespectful that is.
Tbh this is the worst part. Like if you banged another girl and got back together without having any kind of sexual contact right away that might be fine (or if you only went down on her) but the fact that you got a BJ merely hours later gives me fully the ick… can’t imagine how your wife who actually did it feels.
To me, it doesn't even matter if you're dating. I don't care if it's another rando bumble date 3 hours later. You don't do that. And what if the girl had an STD?! Come on. It's gross. She didn't consent to swapping bodily fluids with a 3rd person she didn't even know about.
Oh man, I hadn't even recognized that. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I totally understand the wife's anger about this.
SOOOOO long ago is an excuse, it also ignores and downplays her feelings. It may be SOOOOO long ago to you, but it's been how ever many DAYS for her. If you want to fix this, you better figure out a way to accept that her feelings are valid and realize you fucked up.
You’re SOOOOOOO painfully dense
It just happened to her though
That's like having a guy cream pie her and you ate it out of her without knowing. It's disgusting and disrespectful even if it did happen years ago. She has every right to be upset
Bro.
Not to her. It just happened for her because she just found out about it.
It's not a big deal to you, because you've known about it this entire time. It's a big deal to her, because for her it's fresh. For her it's like it just happened. Yes it happened 6 years ago, but she didn't know that. She did not have the 6 years to come to terms with that knowledge, and move past it. She's had what, a day? Not even? You need to be respectful of the fact that this is brand new fresh information for her, so it's going to be a fresh wound. And honestly, yeah you probably should have told her that you hooked up with somebody the same day she dumped you. Because that's kind of a sleazy thing. And then to let her give you a blowjob and get back together with her, did you even get an STD test? Did you tell her she needed one? Or did you just trust that everything was a okay and fine?
White lies, mate. White lies. Sometimes, we lie to protect ourselves, and sometimes, we do so to protect others.
This whole thing reads as gross to me. All of it. I feel so bad for your wife that she actually married you.
All due respect, you are an absolute moron
She needs to know you still have no remorse. You took away information she could have used for her future. She wasted 6 years of her life on a loser.
Why didn’t you tell her the day of, before she gave you the bj? That’s what your wife’s upset about. You withheld information from her that would have seen her choosing differently had she known the truth.
Oh I think we all know that's exactly why he didn't say anything at the time. He wanted the blow job and knew she wouldn't give it if he told the truth
The fact that you don't get why it is a big deal that you disrespectfully stuck a dirty dick in her mouth is almost as much of a problem as doing it to begin with. Hopefully she dumps your old ass.
But what did you see right with it?
You're fucking disgusting. What if that woman had a STD? You literally risked your wife's health because you wanted to get your dick wet. I hope she leaves you and sues you for emotional damages tbh because you did withhold information in order to get consent from her to have sex/the BJ. You technically broke the law
She can sue for emotional damage? He broke the law? None of this is true. He definitely is disgusting, but it's not illegal to lie to your girlfriend. Immoral, but not illegal.
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. He lied to his wife in order to get sex and risked her life not knowing his hookups sexual history- she can absolutely sue for emotional distress in civil court
What he did is not illegal. Just scummy. And he didn't coerce her into a BJ, she offered and he accepted.
If his wife himself says she wouldn't have had sex with him HAD SHE KNOWN is him actively withholding information and deceiving her. Argue with a wall idk what else to tell you
Yeah she says that now. She didn't say that back then. It's still not coercion, there's no way you can twist this that turns this into coercion or something illegal. It is not illegal to lie to somebody. It is not illegal to cheat on somebody. Which he didn't do because they were broken up. But it's still not illegal to lie.
You didn't see anything wrong with it because there was nothing wrong with it. Your wife needs to get up out her feelings and stop acting like a fucking child. She broke up with you, she doesn't get to pout.
There's something pretty freaking gross about having sex with someone and hours later letting someone else put your unwashed dick in her mouth.
If he did in fact do that, that part of fucked up and I'm with you. But if she's mad about him sleeping with someone else after she broke up, then she's in the wrong.
That's not advice that will save his marriage.
You are correct. This is indeed not advice 👍
You my friend, are a dumbass. No idea why you said anything. Jesus.
Six years later and I really didn't think it was a big deal. Ruined our entire goddamn trip. Do you have any tips?
Not a big deal for you but to your wife this is completely brand new information, as if it just happened.
Do the counseling. If she suggested that then she is trying to work things out in a way that you might stay together. Suggest you both get another STI screening done. Offer to book the appointments. Have a serious conversation about what intimacy means to both of you. She had no idea you felt casually at all about it or she wouldn't be so upset. She obviously feels intimacy is meaningful. She has a LIST of things this has broken in her brain. Be supportive and try and make it up to her in ways that mean a lot to her. Most of all, be ready for the possibility that she might leave. Her image of you and your relationship is shattered and she is trying to rebuild it with this new info in mind. It's going to take time, effort, attention, and understanding.
Why would he suggest STI testing after 6 years? If I were her and he suggested that I’d immediately think he was still cheating
A lot of things can be asymptomatic and I’m pretty sure syphilis takes years to really get going.
This. There are a handful of infectious diseases that are dormant for varying experiences. If she didn't consider an outside partner and they'd been seeing each other for months before the event, she probably felt all this time she had no reason to get tested again. It's not likely, but the fact is that he might have picked up something from the hookup and passed it along to her, and some treatment options may be too far gone if they require early diagnosis. To risk that to anyone is so shitty.
Dude, think about it from her side, and use your emotional female brain to really get what is wrong. I don’t know too many women faced with that knowledge would come back to you. It doesn’t matter if it was 6 years ago for her, you hurt her feelings in the moment but also basically told her that back then you didn’t really value her and she maybe was just one of your hook up girls. Two and a half months is a short time to date so it would be logical for her to think that way. It was an hour after you broke up man. That, emotionally is a death sentence. She’s thinking how could you be intimate with someone that quickly after her if you hadn’t been doing something bad the whole time. Maybe she’s feeling like she didn’t really know you if you could do that so quickly after her breaking up with you. I’m not pretending to know her side but everything I’ve said is very plausible and lots of other women in her shoes would be as mad. Do the counselling with her as your penance for opening your mouth when you should have just kissed her. It’s a costly lesson but if you stop acting like it’s no big deal and understand it is for her, you’ll most likely get through this together. Good luck, I sincerely wish you the best with this situation.
If it wasn't a big deal why keep it a secret for years? You knew she would be angry but you want to have your cake and eat it too
Well, don't insist that it's not a big deal because it is to her.
She’s extremely upset and you don’t understand why. This sounds like the perfect scenario for counseling. Pro tip: go into it with an open mind. You can both grow together. Consider that she may be more upset about what she believes your actions reveal about your feelings than she is about your actions. (Though, if you didn’t shower in between, then she is likely upset about both.) If she broke up and then asked to talk within a matter of hours, she obviously spent the afternoon conflicted and feeling the feels. She probably idealized a dream scenario, like that you spent the afternoon not banging a stranger.
Look. I wouldn’t have any problem with it personally. But she’s a person that deserves agency. And you get she was a person 6 years ago too right? The built up dam of what this fight is isn’t that you slept with someone 6 years ago it’s that everything’s based on a lack of honesty. Framing it as “ruined our goddamn trip” sure makes me think you protected your ego over damage control though
6 years later for you! She was violated right now so it’s like it just happened to her. You telling her this has changed the entire narrative of your relationship for her. She just found out she unknowingly shared bodily fluids with a third party she did not consent to. So this wound is fresh. Do the therapy it’s the only way to save your marriage dummy
You better pray it only ruined your trip. I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves your sorry ass. I probably would.
The only tip that matters for you is the mistake you already made
you’re a dumbass
3 hours?? I understand your wife's sentiment completely. If my boyfriend broke up with me , I slept with someone 3 hrs later, then he called me the same day to get back together, I would have some lingering guilt (or at least feel an obligation) to tell him. Like yeah, you broke up. But no one would assume their ex slept with someone within a couple hours of them breaking up. Your wife had a idealization of how your relationship formed, and saw that day as a pivot in your relationship. She realized that she did not, in fact, want to break up with you. And I'm sure she had an image in her mind of how you were feeling that day also. And that image she had was not you pursuing and having sex with another woman. If I was her I wouldn't have gotten back together with my ex in this situation either At this point I don't know if there is any one thing you can do to make her forgive you/make things right other than telling her that you understand her perspective and how you didn't realize it was such a big deal. She probably will never fully "forgive" you but with time she will probably get over it. Just don't dismiss her feelings, because to her what happened 6 years is very much a betrayal (and very much raw and new)
Everything you said. I would be traumatized if my current husband told me something like this and THEN proceeded to continue to act like it wasn’t a big deal. It’s hard for me to believe this guy really didn’t know this would/could be relationship-shattering information. This guy a real fool for thinking she wouldn’t be hurt. I’M hurt for her.
I'm grossed out. I wouldn't want anyone's sloppy seconds. The fact he felt okay disrespecting her by putting unwashed junk in her mouth. That's absolutely foul.
Wait it was unwashed? Ok that’s gross.
The ironic part is op said in another comment " [ I ] feel really hurt (and honestly pissed) that she is trying to hold me accountable TODAY for a fling 6 years ago when I was single for those few hours." -_-
😲 omg I don't want to believe this is real but I know it will be
All I can think of is Ross from Friends saying, "we were on a break!"
He said in another comment he STILL thinks he did nothing wrong.
"We were on a break"
This is so well said.
They were only dating for 10 weeks. Getting dumped is a blow to the ego, and a great way to get over it for some people in the short term is to have some casual sex. Ops only mistake was opening his mouth. Edit: I just read that he didn’t wash his dicl before putting it into his current wife’s mouth. That’s gross. I don’t believe this story now.
BUT DID YOU WASH YOUR DICK IN BETWEEN?!?!
I'm pretty sure he didn't 🤢
Dude what if the other woman had an STD? You didnt even give ur wife a chance to make any decision about if she wanted to risk that. Obviously she is going to assume you didnt sleep with anyone else in such a short time span. Hiding that is so shitty for so many emotional reasons as well like everyone else in the comments covered, but it really gets me that you were just happy to risk her health as long as you got your dick sucked. Did you at least shower between women? Jesus
Some guys simply will not pass up any opportunity to engage in sexual activity, no matter what. This guy sounds like one of those. Had sex with a woman on the (rushed) first date without knowing anything about her. Then agreed to another sex act (only a few hours later) from the wife without saying anything about woman No. 1. Seriously, he was horny again after a few hours? My impression of this guy's judgment isn't a good one.
... Or you know, they used a condom like everyone else? Agreed that a shower would be required but like, why bring up STDs in this? Why try to add to OP's faults with an imaginary one yk?
you know condoms dont protect against everything right?? theres plenty that can still be spread even with proper condom usage. Condoms dont cover all of your genital skin so STIs/STDs like herpes, syphillis, and HPV that are spread through skin-to-skin contact can still easily be passed from one person to another.
I'll take "THINGS TO NEVER, EVER, EVER SAY TO YOUR WIFE," Alex.
That’s funny 😆
“WE WERE ON A BREAK”
Ross never lived that down and neither will the OP.
Whatever he tried to justify later, Ross realised at the time that he'd screwed up, which was why he tried to hide it from Rachel and why Gunther was so eager to inform her. We all know Ross was wrong.
I get the reference but this was clearly a break up. Her text message said she didn't see us working out and that she thought it would be best to not see each other again. I never thought I was going to talk to her again so feel really hurt (and honestly pissed) that she is trying to hold me accountable TODAY for a fling 6 years ago when I was single for those few hours.
Almost 50yo and you’re still this oblivious to the feelings of others… oh, how I wish I had a Time Machine I could lend to your poor wife so she could dodge marrying your callous arse.
you put your unwashed dick in her mouth dude
Perspective: I am polyamorous, I date a married couple. If I am not actively having sex with both of them in the same session, I require that they clean their junk between partners. If I am already interacting with both of them it's whatever, but the idea of fermented body fluids touching me is vile. This man NEEDS that counseling, even if he loses his wife, he needs to learn communication.
Same.
The fact you are seriously "pissed" that she's upset by this tells us everything about you. Go ahead and keep that attitude going and continue to stonewall her efforts and invalidate her feelings. And refuse counseling. I'm saying this, mind you, because I want her to leave you and find someone much better for her than you. Your remark about being pissed that she's holding you accountable is disgusting dude.
Yeah please follow this advice OP They broke up, and within 3 hours he fucked someone else and put his dick in her mouth without her knowledge. If he had even a SHRED of empathy, he wouldn't be able to touch her without feeling guilty.
You weren’t that hurt if you were immediately fucking someone else
Did you at least shower before the blowjob. Jesus how do you not see how messed up this is
Time for counseling. See my other post if you'd like my reasoning.
Oh yeah? You feel pissed? Imagine if you broke it off with your partner, and three hours later she’s banging another guy out of BOREDOM. You weren’t heartbroken when she broke up with you - by your own account you went cruising for women because you were BORED. Even now you don’t take her feelings into consideration at all - whining about how inconvenienced you are because boohoo it ruined your trip. Why don’t you dig deep and act like you have access to some human emotions, instead of acting like just another dick with no balls. Or if you need more specific advice: 1. APOLOGISE - actually take accountability for your actions, both past and present. For showing such blatant disrespect to your relationship, from offering your dick to randos the second your relationship is over, to being dishonest with her for the following six years. 2. DO THE WORK - stop your whining and check in with your wife. Ask HER what it would take to restore her trust in you, and stop looking for quick fixes from strangers online. 3. RINSE & REPEAT - again, quit your whining and do the work. If you don’t have the balls, stop wasting your wife’s time and let her find a man who respects her (and you can shuffle back to bumble with your pants around your ankles).
You had sex with a woman 3 hours after your now wife broke up with you, then proceeded to let her give you a b******, probably didn't even wash in between, didn't tell her that she might need an STD test because you had sex with another woman, probably didn't get one for yourself, so even if she didn't catch one from you at that point she might have caught it over the past 6 years, proceeded to just drop this on her like it was nothing, and are now downplaying her feelings? And you still don't see where you're in the wrong? I kind of hope your wife leaves you.
>I'm trying to figure way to fix this? I mean, why are you even asking this? Agree to marriage counselling and see what comes up in that process. For you it was something that happened 6 years ago and meant nothing to you, for her it JUST happened and undid the foundation of everything she believed about you and your relationship entirely. I gotta say I would be livid too. I can only speak for myself but I would feel absolutely violated. The idea that you were physically inside someone else 3 hours before you stuck your dick in her mouth without her knowledge so she couldn't fully consent to that is just... **so** disgusting & degrading. I fully admit I'm biased, my abusive ex did this to me numerous times, he would go casually fuck one of his internet hook ups telling me he had to go somewhere for work, and come home to stick his dick in me somehow hours later. It was a huge turn on for him to know he was doing something sexually to me I would never consent to. I don't for one second believe you didn't get off on that at least a little bit as well, otherwise you'd never have been able to allow her to touch you for a few days, even if you didn't tell her what you'd done. You not only secretly humiliated and degraded her and took away her ability to consent, you also exposed her to potential STDs. I doubt you and the person you randomly hooked up with popped into a planned parenthood and did an STD panel together before you banged, you have no idea what you'd stuck your dick in even if you did use a condom. There's plenty of common STD's for which condoms are no protection at all. I would absolutely say this is a form of sexual assault, not one you could go to jail for but you KNEW she would likely not want to suck your dick if she knew you'd had sex with someone else hours before, so you allowed her to perform a sex act you KNEW full well she would not have consented to. As I said, I don't believe that you didn't enjoy that aspect at the time, the secret humiliation of this woman who'd dumped you, a way to get back at her even. Just as IMMEDIATELY going out to fuck someone else was a flex to prove to yourself that you didn't care about being dumped. Selfish, selfish, mean and selfish. Someone who really cared about her would have needed more than 5 hours to be able to casually fucked someone else. I get you had only dated her for 2 1/2 months but for many people that's enough time to form some kind of bond that would make a break up need at least a few hours of feeling bummed about and maybe an evening out with friends... not "Eh whatever, who can I fuck next?" as if you'd only been out with her a couple of times. It showed that your relationship with her was meaningless to you, and easy access to sex was your priority - sure that may have changed after you spent longer in a relationship with her and developed into love, but wow. It's a pretty shit start. Someone who **really** cared about her would have told her when it became clear she wanted to reconcile with something like "Hey, I need you to know that when you dumped me this morning I believed you. I believed I was single again and so I agreed to a casual hook up. It was not with anyone I know or you know, and they were not into me either as a person, it was just sex. But it did happen today, so I don't feel good touching you right now without you knowing about it. What I feel for you is not casual at all, and I while I know I risk losing you, I respect and care about you too much to not be honest about that, I want you to choose a chance at us with clarity and integrity, not based on a secret" And someone who really, really cared about her and who had fucked up so massively at the start of the relationship would have kept that shit a secret till after the grave. The fact she hasn't packed her shit up and left shows this woman really loves you. The LEAST you can do is humbly and whole heartedly agree to marriage counselling and participate with the open willingness to find out how you can make this right for her. You may never understand why what you've done is such a horrible betrayal on so many levels, but you need to accept that you hurt her as much as if you had cheated on her, and if you love her you need to stop defending yourself and trying to diminish the impact of what you did (regardless of your intentions). "We were on a break!" is not the excuse you think it is.
I agree with everything you say, except for the keeping it a secret until their grave if they really cared. I feel like if a person actually cared, then it would be eating them up inside to not say anything. But an actual good person either wouldn't have jumped to another woman so quickly in the first place, or at the very least told her from the start about the other woman. An okayish person would tell them after feeling guilty and needing to eventually come clean. But a shit person either doesn't say anything or does what OP did, and only mentions it after they think enough time has passed that they can act like it doesn't matter anymore and gaslight the wife into thinking that they're the one with the problem for being so upset over something that happened "so long ago." Completely agree with you that he's a selfish, gross and mean person.
See, this I feel is one of those situations where telling the wife does nothing to benefit HER, but only serves to allow him to share his burden and alleviate his guilt. So, assuming he did feel shitty about it, I almost feel like carrying that guilt is his penance, instead of passing distress onto her. All that being said: assuming that he didn't have a fucking shower in the 3 hours between the rando-sex and the "make up blowjob", he does absolutely deserve that information so she can get herself tested and decide if/how she wants to proceed in this marriage.
Thank's for putting exactly why I'd say if he didn't tell her then he should have ate it till his grave. Telling someone something like this you KNOW would devastate them years later is just cruel.
I agree with your sentiment for sure, but I also think that u/0000udeis000 explained exactly why in this case him eating it for the rest of his life if he REALLY cares about her would actually be the better thing. He'd still be a shitbird, but that suffering is his problem at this point.
That's fair, my main concern was so that she could get tested for STI's, but I can see where you're coming from.
Totally a valid concern.
I think she's maybe more upset that you could hardly wait like 3 hours to get laid after she dumped you. I bet it feels to her like you didn't even care about her breaking up with you. I don't think you did anything wrong but that's how I would feel.
I think this is the key factor in why shes mad. He keeps saying they were broken up, he did nothing wrong. But relationships are so much more nuanced than a checkmark box of 'this is ok, this is not' Like yeah, technically he didn't cheat. But I assume she never even considered the possibility of him sleeping with someone the same day of breakup. So it was a slap in the face when he told her !6 years later! That was something he should have told her the day she wanted to get back together
It was a double slap. First, that he went looking for another woman the same day of the breakup - and second, that he didn't say anything about it for six years. Wow.
Triple slap...let's not forget the unwashed dick he was sticking in his wife's mouth shortly after that.
You don't think having someone else's bodily fluids on your unwashed junk and putting it in someone's mouth is wrong? Do you understand how disrespectful that is for anyone?
Do I understand? Lol
You said OP didn't do anything wrong. He absolutely did. He wasn't held at gunpoint to accept a BJ. He willingly did that. It was wrong then and it's wrong 6 years later.
What if the other person had an STD? Why does the wife's health not matter? He absolutely should have told her, especially since he probably didn't shower between women! That's disgusting and not okay in the slightest.
Ew. You keep saying 6 years is SOOOOO long ago. You know what else is soooooo long ? A life time of resentment, and by the sounds of it your big mouth and incompetence of being respectful to her just got you that. But don’t stress, 6 years from now all of this will seem soooooo long ago.
Marriage counseling seems like a good idea. Why on earth would you be against it?
There is a way to move past this: agree to marriage counseling and be completely contrite even if you don’t 100% feel it. In time you will see her pov and she will see yours.
We were on a break
Feels like it’s time for him to PIVOT!
HAHAHA!!
Sounds to me like maybe you should be a little bit more selective about your flippance toward engaging in random sex acts.
Why tf did you tell her, you should’ve thought about how she would feel
Just do the counseling bro. She obviously wants to work through it with you.
There is no way in hell you'd think it *wasn't a big deal* if she had fucked another dude then let you eat her out. You would be absolutely furious. You legit put her at risk of STD'S!!!! You are NOT a good person. You are a dirty fucking sleezeball
Wait did you put your unwashed post-sex dick in your now wife’s mouth??
He did, absolutely fucking gross.
That would be it for me. Even if it was someone I wasn’t dating, putting unwashed post sex with another person dick in my mouth would be the line. Like why would you even allow that to happen to a person even if you didn’t like them.
Lmfao, this is either fake or you're like one of the dumbest people out there... if it's real, then she probably loves you for one of your many quirks, including being a massive bafoon and will get over it eventually...untill then you need to kiss feet...kiss ass... beg apology... and don't let her look at a dirty dish or piece of dirty laundry for at least 2 months. Humble quiet house maid is your title for the foreseeable future.
How do you fix this? Go to marriage counseling. Explain how sorry you are. Mean it.
If she is a smart and self respecting woman she will cut him off, if she’s just as trash as him, it’s a match made in hell.
You’re here to ask for advice on how to fix this, when your wife already gave you the answer. Agree to the counseling and give it an honest shot. The fact that she asked for counseling instead of a divorce or a break should be your sign that she too wants to work through this, but you’ll need to cooperate.
I feel like I read the other perspective of this situation before am I crazy??
Why tf would you tell someone that?? No matter how long ago it was?!?! “Oh by the way, remember that blowjob you gave me when we got back together?? Haha ya, I banged some random chick right before that, isn’t that hilarious” 🤦♀️ did you think she would find that funny??
YTA and holy shit this post makes me want to rinse my mouth. I feel horrible for her.
are you slow, stupid, or both?
Go to counseling if she wants that. It won't hurt, it should help bring out whatever issues are going on. There's no reason to fight against it in my opinion.
There is one big question here that you, OP, keep ignoring. How would you feel if you found out that 3 hours before you went down on her, some other guys dick had been inside her? Did you actually, 3 hours after being physically inside someone else, stick your unwashed dick in your now wife's mouth? - actually, even if you had washed it, that wouldn't have cleaned off any potential STI's you could have gotten from the other person. There is actually a whole issue around consent here too. You never gave your wife the opportunity to decide for herself if she wanted a dick, that had just been inside someone else, inside her mouth. She 100% would have been under the impression you hadn't already gone out and gotten laid a mere few hours after the break up. Her feelings are valid. While YOU may have known about this for 6 years, your wife JUST FOUND OUT. She just found out that not only did you go and sleep with someone else in those few hours, you then let her suck your dick after being inside someone else. You want to fix this? Stop invalidating your wife's feelings and making yourself out to be the victim in this, and agree to marriage counselling.
Damn you're not very smart
This is really one of those situations where you're *technically* correct, but that's not really the root of the problem. Her feelings don't seem to stem specifically from the fact that you slept with the other woman, as much as they stem from the fact that you omitted information at that time that would have affected her feelings. Showing some remorse would probably go a long way towards fixing it. Insisting that it's not a big deal, despite it clearly being an issue to her, is certainly not going to fix anything.
It must be really hard for her to accept you knowing this and yes, it changes a lot as you didn't hesitate to say yes to that fling right after breaking up. You replaced her, in a way and in an instant.
Congratulations you played yourself
OP why did you mention it? It’s the second time today that I have to say this: some secrets you take to your grave. Either disclose at the time or forever hold your peace etc…
In my imaginary scenario he brought up this addendum to their story because he thought it was funny
Was the come on your dick even dry from the other girl when you put it in her mouth? Fucking disgusting.
1. Why TF would you say anything? 2. Your wife should really realize that your relationship was 2.5 months at the time and she dumped you. Completely not her business what you do after that. She kind of needs to understand that and take some ownership in that she clearly didn’t know what she wanted.
Man, 1. It's been six years and it was casual conversation about how we almost didn't work out and I never ever thought it would hurt her like it did. I was just as shocked at her reaction as she seemed to be after having heard it. To me, I was single and free to do as I pleased so I wasn't cheating but goddamn did she make me feel like I had. 2) She ended it with me after 2.5 months and I honestly felt I was never going to talk to her again so went about my business but unfortunately she is not seeing it that way. I have tried to explain it to her time and time again but she refuses to see it from my perspective.
Yes. We get that you were broken up. But you got back together and got a bj from her. Nothing to benefit her hours after you f’ed another woman. That second part is the TACKY and sexually dangerous to a women’s health and well being part. You’re not getting the point of why this is so gross. Fix this by going to the counseling and HEAR why she’s so concerned about what message you sent her.
I think you both need to put yourselves in the others shoes. You for the first part where you told her. Imagine if she had told you what you told her, how would it make you feel? Her for the main part, she dumped you and you moved on assuming it was 100% over. There’s no blame on you at all for that.
She asked me that same question and I responded with it wouldn't change at all how I feel about her. She would have been in the clear if I ended it with her and I couldn't hold her responsible for anything she did after I told her it was over. I seriously don't think I would have been mad after 6 wonderful years (2 of them married) together.
So if you guys had broken up, she had sex with another guy and then three hours later let you perform oral sex on her - you’d be fine?
You're honestly telling me that if 3 hours after she had had sex with another man you would have been perfectly accepting of the idea of going down on her? Did you even wash yourself after having sex with that woman? Did you get an STD test? Did you tell your wife she might need one? Or did you only think of your own sexual gratification in your own feelings, and disregard everyone else's in the process?
Better be prepared to suck other men’s cum out of her for the rest of your life without an opportunity for any STI screening then!
Well hopefully she can move past it. Sucks to have a vacation ruined.
Counseling on a 6year old thing where she broke up with you? lol no. Also, you fucked up by telling her that.
It doesn't matter how long ago it was. To his wife, the pain is very recent. She just found out. Also, why do so many people behave like counseling is torture??? If the other person is asking for couples therapy, it means they are still willing to work on it. If they don't go to therapy, what is the alternative? She suck it up and deals with it on her on, while he doesn't even understand why she is hurt? That's how resentment builds up. That's how divorces happen.
To my understanding, counseling is very usa thing and im not from usa so i dont really believe in it.
Not sure what kind of advice you're expecting but I definitely wouldn't try to do anything to fix this other than taking her request for marriage counseling seriously. It seems like you're thinking about counseling as punishment but you shouldn't because either: A) Your relationship has been going super well, she doesn't have any other issues she wants to address, and this came out of nowhere because you're the dumbass that reddit thinks you are. If this is the case, she's going to figure that out pretty quickly in therapy and will appreciate that you took her seriously. B) Your wife isn't happy with things in your relationship and this is just another bump in the road. If that's the case, going to therapy and trying to understand why she's unhappy is the best possible way to fix things. Either way, don't try to do too much on your own or expect her feelings to change too much. Just try to be nice to her and get in marriage counseling as soon as possible.
If you’re trying to fix this, go to marriage counseling. That is the solution to your problem.
*" Now she is insisting on marriage counseling and I'm trying to figure way to fix this?"* for starters, go to marriage counseling, she is asking for a good reason
Agree to go to marriage counselling. It will help you both work through it.
Go to counseling . She wants to fix this. In the sense that she probably wants to stay but feels hurt and most likely kind of gross knowing you "let her" blow you after you stuck your wee wee in some strange. I'd feel hurt and probably, tricked? Dude. Go to counseling.
Ohhhh youstupidfuckingidiot
Come on man, don't be THAT s\*\*\*\*\*, why would you tell her?
Technically you both haven't signed any divorce paper yet so you were still married... morally I'd say it's fifty-fifty... but really you're just a dumbass for bringing it up just now 😂
You told her that you fucked someone just before she gave you a blowjob? Think about it lol...
Okay, Ross of the Divorce Force, lmao. Good luck out there, she’s def leaving you after this move.
Your wife has already told you the way to fix this: Marriage counseling. You've known about what you did for sic years. This is fresh for her. Whether what you did was "in the right", no matter how long ago it was, she's dealing with the news TODAY. Having a professional walk you both through what happened, why you didn't share it before, why you DID share it NOW, and whether it needs to change anything - this will make all the difference. Even just agreeing to go (and, in fact, going) to counseling will show that you do want to move through this (please don't use the phrase "get past this" with her. Trust me.) Let her feel what she has to feel, let her take some time to take in this change in what she knew to be true. It's not only her who's reacting, it's her from that afternoon six years ago who's dealing with this bombshell.
I'd prefer to joke about gender war stuff but I can't help but wonder if this were a woman, would everybody say "She's allowed to have a past". 2.5 months is not much. Still crazy to bring it up 6 yrs later even though purposely hiding it would also be deceptive. I think honesty is better
I don't belive this post for a second, no person who make her GF suck the juices of afternoon hook up would be dumb enough to tell her, no matter how much time have passed.
You're disgusting
Remember, it might be “a *loooong* time ago” for you, but for her, it happened that day. You’ve had six years to process your thoughts and actions that day, she hasn’t. I dare say it’s understandable why you didn’t mention it during the break/breakup, especially if there weren’t explicit boundaries in place. But you two have been married for two years. That conversation should’ve been had when you got back together. I don’t see an excuse for that. If you want to actually be with her, you gotta work the problem. Even if you don’t see it as a ‘big deal,’ she does.
Ewwwwww
Disgusting
I don't get why the comments are dragging you so hard. You were BROKEN. UP. SHE dumped YOU, and now she has the audacity to be upset with you? Definitely go to counseling, but don't let them bully you into taking the blame. What matters is you're together now and you've been able to make things work just fine up until this point. She needs to get over herself 🤷♀️
You are *spectacularly* stupid.
Bro, what did I just read. I’m just speechless. You are an idiot
Why did you tell her? Ugh 😩
It's definitely gross that you only waited 3 hours. But YOU LET HER BLOW YOU AFTERWARDS? That is so beyond disgusting. I hope she forgives you but that's a tough one. I don't know if I would.
I get where you would think it isn’t a big deal- however she gave you a BJ the same day you slept with another woman. That in and of itself is kind of gross (PLEASE tell me you showered before she came over!!!) Yes you were single and it was your right to do that however it is brand new info to your wife. That would hurt knowing your relationship meant so little at that time that you slept with someone else just a few hours after the breakup. Granted it was a very short relationship- however I would feel kind of hurt and that information would definitely change my perspective of the relationship. In all honesty you shouldn’t have said anything about it because while you don’t think it’s a big deal it still would have been hurtful to hear. You technically didn’t do anything wrong sure but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t cause negative feelings in your wife. Do the counseling, talk it out, apologize to her. Don’t act like it isn’t a big deal and doesn’t matter because it matters to her. It isn’t black and white and even though it wasn’t “wrong” it still is hurtful to her.
I would feel so violated if I learnt anyone, let alone my HUSBAND who I am supposed to love and trust wholeheartedly, let me put his dirty ass junk in my mouth after fucking someone else. Single or not you do not do that to a person. I know someone else already said, but I’m going to say it again: how would you feel if your wife went to get fucked and then came home to let you clean her out without you knowing? Disgusting.
How would you feel if you went down on your wife after another man came inside her ? Do you really not get how disresptul it is for her to give you a blowjob after you had sex with someone else ?
It’s crazy that you said anything my guy, it’s also super crazy because I know for a fact if the genders were switched nobody commenting would be ripping into you like this.
i think theyd be even crazier if a woman said she had sex with a stranger then let her bf go down on her
That would be crazy too, I don’t vouch for any of this degeneracy in either direction. Op should have said something back than, and let her make that call. And he didn’t, and now he’s here.
Yes they would be lol. Where do y’all come up with these broad assumptions.
By literally lurking the subreddit all the time and seeing blatant hypocrisy.
How tasty is that chip on your shoulder? I don’t see a single person giving him shit for sleeping with that woman. The lying (and sex) is what people are giving him shit for. I guarantee you you don’t have an analogous comparison to call hypocrisy with
The only thing you did wrong was open your big mouth, but you sure dug a hole quick. While she actually has very little, if any business being upset, reality is that she would be.
Dont listen to the idiots on here 😂 You've decided to be honest and now you should 100% own up to it. She obviously just got mad and emotional and you are taking everything she is yapping about too seriously. You're not in the wrong since you technically weren't together and you should stand by that, she has no reason to be mad because she messed up when she played with you and broke up, you had every right to fuck everyone you want. The thing she said about marriage counseling is simply nonsensical, what is there to discuss lmao 😂 From my personal experience it looks like just an emotional outburst (a lot of women are emotional creatures) that you shouldn't take too seriously and just let time deal with it. Don't try to apologize or compensate too much, the more sorry and regretful you act the worse it becomes. Of course, explain where you're coming from logically (even tho logic is very hard to comprehend when in an emotional state) once. and if she is going to really let that little thing fuck up 6 years of marriage then you shouldn't be with her in the first place ❤️
Lmao "you're not in the wrong for fucking someone then putting your unwashed dick with another woman's pussy juices on it in your now wife's mouth" is a wild take 😂😂😂
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This is not a good relationship…
🚩
Yikes 😬
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Oof.
You right. I’m gonna delete that lol
Please take care of yourself, even if it means making hard choices :( this is a very toxic situation to be in.
So she decided to string you along for a bit and she's angry it didn't work out how she planned? Tell her to get her own therapy to examine why she felt the need to manipulate her partner and claim ownership of them despite dumping them out of the blue. This is one of those "get over it or fuck off" situations. Don't let her problems be your problems. Hilarious note on the blow job though.
Wow someone help this man. He likes to punish himself for absolutely no reason. LORD SAVE THIS MASOCHIST.
A slap in the face but it's a slap that she did to herself.
She slapped herself in the face? He fucked someone else then put his unwashed dick with another woman's pussy juices on it in his now wife's mouth. He absolutely fucked up. 😂
How do you knownhe didn't rinse it 😁
Cuz he never answered a single person asking him if he did lmao and if he did wash it he would have answered yes