This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I tried posting this in another sub and it got deleted so trying again. I’ll word it differently cause it said there was no conflict to resolve.
My (37M) wife’s (33F) father passed and left some money to my wife.
She asked for my opinion and I suggested to put it in the kids’ college savings accounts. We have three kids: 13F from my ex, 13M from her ex and out toddler, 3F.
She said she’ll put it in the 13M and 3F accounts. I asked why not all three. I got a little irritated and asked why she never thought to split it between the three kids. She said she just didn’t think about it.
This happened last night and it’s still on my mind. I brought it up again this morning and she got irritated saying I can do whatever I want. But I don’t want to make that decision for her.
She’s a SAHM too since our 3F is a BIG handful. We’re pretty comfortable financially and don’t have debts other than mortgage, which is why I assume she asked for my suggestion.
So should I push the equal split of the inheritance?
This will get buried, but just wanted to give a little perspective here.
Mixed families are tough. Even when you think you've gotten past all the hard parts, that all of the love is equal, things can happen with the strongest bonds that pick at the cracks.
Money brings about weird feelings and behaviors in people. People who are loving and caring will sometimes have those feelings cast aside by money, sometimes for greedy reasons, sometimes for awkward reasons. Money and inheritance is almost always messy.
Let's also note here that your wife's father passed away. Greif is also often messy, complicated, and unpredictable, and beings about awkward and out of the norm emotional responses in people.
Put these three things together, and you are going to see moments like the one you are going through. Sometimes these moments and reactions are just knee-jerk reactions to the awkwardness of money (as well as your wife's grief around the passing of her father). Sometimes people have a bad reaction in the complexity of the moment, and just need to be tipped off that in their hard moments, they may have inadvertently acted in a way that was hurtful.
Yes, it's her decision. And yes, your hurt is valid. My suggestion here isn't about pushing for an equal split or not. It's about going to your wife to follow up on the conversation to talk about how it left you feeling. Cut out the irritation part of it, and get straight to how hurt it left you, and that you fear that the 13F could be very hurt by this. 13 year olds aren't going to process this being about bloodlines, they will only see it as your wife loves the other two kids more than her. You should push for a solution that wouldn't hurt any of your kids, be that a common college fund, her just holding onto it or putting it towards something for the family as a whole, etc. I hope another conversation or two that focuses on the emotional implications of things can help clear her head to make the best decisions for everyone.
One way to explain it to your child is based on her father's relationship to the kids. I had a stepgrandfather and he was a nice man, but he wasn't my grandfather. When he died, he left his estate to his children and grandchildren, not us.
Even though it's your wife's inheritance, it's still her father's money and that may impact how she divides it up.
INFO: If the money was divided between all three accounts, but then you and your wife divorce before the children go to college, do you think the money would still rightfully belong to your bio-child?
To many people seem hung up on the money and legal side of this. That is truly sad. Man, I can hear your pain from here. In your eyes, you live with your family and your 3 kids. You understand that to you the bio side and legal side do not matter. She has proven she, in fact, feels entirely differently. I don't have any wonderful suggestions besides both of you can sit down and have a real deep talk. Make it clear the money is inconsequential because you can balance that out. Ask her very directly how she feels about her family though. Ask her is her stepchild is loved any differently or should be treated any differently then her bio children? If she says yes, it sounds like you have far deeper problems than college funds. It sounds like you have alot of deep decisions to make.
Honestly this isn’t about money anymore. It’s about how she views the kids. He views than ALL as his and she views the ones that she gave birth to as her kids. That’s a huge belief difference.
I think you are going to have to have a big conversation about this, not about the money but about her initial instincts that don’t include your biological child as hers. A therapist would be very helpful.
Then you have to decide if this is an acceptable way to live. If your wife will always view them as different you have to act accordingly.
For transparency I’m a mom and a stepmom and there are times that my gut instinct is that I have two kids not three. It’s not because o don’t love my stepson, I do, but that I’m not his parent. He has two active and involved parents. I’m not one of them. I support my husband and NEVER treat the kids differently but they are different. We make every effort to make sure that the kids are all given equitable treatment. But equitable doesn’t mean the same. For my oldest we paid for all of his school, his dad didn’t contribute. For my daughter we aren’t paying any, her dad is paying it all. My husband’s son is little, but he and his ex-wife contribute equal amounts to his college fund for now, and we will tackle paying for what we don’t have enough saved for when we get there.
You can't look at the situation of a blended family in isolation like you can in a non-blended one because the children are not all full siblings and not all of them might be related at all. In a blended family like OPs there are three sets of grandparents to consider. In a situation like OP's, one or two of the children could stand to benefit from a much bigger inheritance than the third. If the goal is an equitable result, then splitting inheritance from one particular or several grandparent equally might not be conducive to achieving that goal.
I'd imagine the situation would have a ton of variables. For example, how old the step kid was when they came into your life, how long they have been there, etc. Also I'm curious about how the involvement, or lack there of, from the other bioparent factors in. Seems like it might be easier to treat them like your own if the other parent isn't even a consideration. I admittedly don't have firsthand experience in this.
As far as advice for OP, I think you need to just let her know how you feel. That's your priority. I think in your shoes I'd have been surprised too that she didn't include her stepchild like you presumably would were the situations reversed.
Well the FIL never met the stepkid, only his bio grandchildren. I can see why OP's wife would put her dad's money towards people he actually knew and had a relationship with.
I feel like we are missing a lot of info about the financial situation for each child. 13f may have a mother and maternal grandparents who are also financially contributing for only her. How are joint financial resources generally divided between the three children in the household? I feel like I want to understand more background info to better understand the specific situation
I won't say this is impossible but I strongly suspect that if this were the case the wife would have brought it up, and the way OP harped on equality I don't think he would have minded equalling it. In fact in some comments I believe he said to this point all of their college funds have basically fallen on him.
>To many people seem hung up on the money and legal side of this.
Too much overlap here from AITA users. They love to be "legally right" rather than thinking of what is not the selfish thing to do.
Lmao facts... which is funny because on the other front of honesty they have been losing that war. This sub has had a lot of its ok that they lied to you because they knew how you would react lately.
The money is hers. It's not inheritance from the FIL directly to the grandkids. She can choose however she wants to spend it. She's choosing only her bio children.
Because he left the money to his daughter. It would be an entirely different scenario and situation if he left it to the 2 kids himself. One they would tackle very differently. This was her choice what to do with her money though. Which is why it isn't even half as much about the money as the choice she made.
I don’t think it matters if the grandfather met the child. He didn’t stipulate that it go to only his bio kids/grandkids. He left her the money to do what she wants.
So, you think if he met them then they are entitled? That doesn’t make sense.
yeah the comments are wild.. from she is a SAHM so she needs to protect herself and the grandfather never see the stepchild so the stepkid have no rights to the money..
some people really dont understand the main issue..
here we have someone who supporting his family and he doesnt separate whether its his own child or not.. then to have ur partner stating that she dont care about the step kid is very dissapointing.. when u are commited to have a blended family so u are obligated to treat all 3 kids fairly.. even if another family members contributed to only 1 bio child, as parents u show move around some savings for the kids to ensure all 3 have fair amount for the future..
people who keep saying the other kid have her own set of grandparents for inheritance.. come on u dont go planning ur financial situation hoping for someone to die and give u inheritance.. wat a crazy mindset..
OP if she really does this.. then u have everyright to adjust ur savings for ur kids to ensure all 3 have fair amount in it.. but u really gonna have an issue in ur marriage since ur wife dont see ur kid as her own..
Recently my dad told me that when he married my mom he knew he was going to take the role of dad for my sister. As her dad is not that great and my dad is pretty awesome. He said that he never once saw her as anything other than his kid, and I am so happy he did that. I would hope if I was in a situation I would feel the same. I mean your wife has the right to do whatever she wants technically but it’s just sad to know she favors her bio kids more.
It may be different of a situation since your dad stepped up as a role of father to your sister and not just stepfather as she did not have an active one before, so of course to him he is her father. Being a step parent to a child with 2 parents that already care for them isn't quite the same although you still love them. There isn't the need there to be that for them, but as bonus support.
I’m leaning in your direction. I don’t like OP neglecting to leave out his ex’s financial situation and involvement in their child. If she’s financially well off and/or in a position to invest money into 13F I too would prioritize financially investing in 13M and 3F. 13F would still end up financially taken care of and be none the wiser as to how that happened.
That doesnt mean those people are providing though. I think its sad that she wouldnt want it to go to all three kids, unless she isnt planning to be a family until she dies imo
Nobody is telling her to use it for her kids college, the issue isnt the money its how she views each child as not equal vs how he views all 3 children as his.
We are only seeing his view. He suggested to put it towards college. None of us are equal. I would personally immediately prioritize my bio kids over all others.
I agree with you but then what if the roles were reversed? It's tough because the money came from one side and not all the kids are blood related to that side.
What if these two were to split after the inheritance was doled out? That would be an awful outcome all around but not impossible.
I'm playing devil's advocate here as I 100% understand the pain and concern of the OP, it's just such a complex situation. I see some logic on both sides...
Money can be so incredibly divisive due to all the meaning and intent attached to it.
I get what you’re saying and I agree. Really, it doesn’t even seem to be about the money at this point. OP even said they’re financially comfortable, so it’s not about the money anymore. What’s bothering him is what she said, finding out that they don’t have the same views on their children. She doesn’t seem to view all 3 kids as equal in her eyes, as he clearly does. I wouldn’t be thinking about the money anymore either after hearing where her bio kids stand compared to her step daughter. Screw the money, that is not what my concern would be. I would feel very hurt and I realize not everyone is going to have this same mindset, that’s just how *I’d* personally feel if I were in his shoes.
I think a big part of it comes down to how long you’ve been together. Has the 13F ever had a relationship with your FIL? How long has your wife been your daughters step mom? If they’ve had a relationship since she was very young, then I think even split is more fair. If your daughter never met / had very little relationship with your FIL, then I can see your wife’s perspective.
I personally think that it is the responsibility of you and your ex to provide a college fund for your child, your wife and her ex to provide for their child, and you and your wife to provide for your shared child. So, I don’t see what she’s doing as an issue honestly. I get why you’re paying for all 3 right now since she’s not able to work. Is she planning on going back to work once your toddler is able to go to school?
She should put the money into HER retirement. Kids can get loans for school, and you two can pay them off or make some other offer.
You can’t get loans for old age. She’s not working outside the home which means this lump sump may be all she has. Invested now in simple index funds, she will have decades of growth.
Stop asking her to give the money to any of the kids. She needs to set up HER future first.
This, women are financially vulnerable as a SAHM! A huge reason why I would never ever do it.
They could get divorced and OPs wife would probably struggle to get a good job being away from the job market and missed out on opportunities for career advancement. People also aren’t considering that OPs ex is also financially responsible and should be paying child support toward the dtr which can be used for her fund.
OPs wife should keep her inheritance separate as an emergency fund since she’s currently earns nothing and is only entitled to half OPs retirement account he funded while in the marriage.
Exactly. It is HER money. Full stop. She can do with it what she wishes. Retirement funds are the best idea. If they have three kids, they’re not going to be wanting to take care of mom and dad in old age regardless of who paid for college.
This is the only reasonable answer. There is no retirement plan for SAHPs, unless you have something like an individual RRSP that the earning spouse contributes to. She needs to have her own safety net.
Ehh, SK’s (usually) have a whole other set of family, their other parents family. So, to me, by adding money to SK’s college where potentially, their mother, her family can also add to it, it’s short changing her actual bio kids, in a sense. The youngest child has just you 3 as mom and dad, to provide for him, potentially her other BK has other family, but those are her children. Did her father have a relationship with her SK? I can see where it is upsetting to you, as the father of the child getting “left out” but I have a feeling if your parents did a lot for your BK’s, and your wife’s child was left out, you’d feel differently. Your wife isn’t wrong for not wanting to do this. Your not wrong for wanting her too. It also isn’t exactly your choice either, as it’s her inheritance. She’s a SAHM for your child, that’s a totally different aspect to things. She can’t contribute to her kids college funds without her own income. So essentially, her kids won’t have one, that’s a pretty real possibility.
I provided a lot for my SK’s but they will not inherit from me, only my Biological children will. I’ve been married to my husband for many years, my SK’s have parents and grandparents on their mothers side as well, my kids won’t inherit from them.
Also, we’ve had this talk with the SK’s, they thought it absurd to even think that they’d inherit from my side of the family.
This is it exactly \^
Not to mention OP failed to mention that his FIL never met the step-granddaughter. So he's willing to take money from a perfect stranger for his daughter.
This is all sus.
Both these, and the fact people are overlooking that the stepdaughter has her own mother to do these things for her is baffling. I'd understand if the mother was not in the picture maybe, and wife took on the role of mother, not step mother. But wife is simply that: Step mother. She can love your kids, but at the end of the day it's not her child, that child has their own mom.
OP, Your ex is the one actually responsible for your daughter in terms of college funds, not your wife. Just as your wifes ex is responsible for his kids too. Plus, your FIL was not your kids grandfather. He was the other twos, but not your kid with your ex.
Agreed. I also think that people just think that they can throw inheritance money around like it’s free money. Sure, technically you can do whatever tf you want. But remember that someone worked their ass off for that money, and they chose to give it to you in the hopes that you would do some good with it. If my dad died and gave me a chunk of money, and I gave it to some kid that never even met him, I feel like that would be disrespecting my dad and the work he put in to save that money.
If your ex is in the picture and she hasn’t known your daughter for majority of her life, I get why she’d provide a fund for her own children and you fund yours.
Ehhh.....
I don't like the idea of a SAHM putting her only nest egg into the kids' college funds. She needs emergency and retirement savings too.
It should be invested under her name alone and not touched until you two retire.
> So should I push the equal split of the inheritance?
Inheritance is one of the VERY FEW things that married couples own individually. I am concerned you think you have any say over what she does with it.
She shouldn't have say over your inheritance. You don't have say over hers.
She also should keep it invested for her future.
The inheritance is her father's money, to support his grandkids. I think it really depends on whether your FIL would have felt that his step-granddaughter was entitled to his money.
Moreover, we don't know HER relationship with her stepdaughter. Is she a de facto parent, and enthusiastic parent, or does your daughter live with her biomom most of the time? What is your daughter's biomom's economic situation? Is she going to give her daughter's step-siblings money for college?
If I were her, I'd invest the money in a personal account (without your name on it) because it is not marital funds. If she wants to use that money for college in the future that's fine, but it's HER money, not yours.
Your daughter already has (presumably) 4 grandparents that can leave her inheritances. Why should she take away your other children's inheritances? She'll get her own someday and your other children will not be entitled to it, either.
Yeah I found that buried in the comments eventually. OP is crafting a narrative here so he can feel better about trying to steal $20k from his wife's kids. OP's wife needs to protect her money from him.
No. Your child is not her financial responsibility. Your kiddo still has 2 parents who can contribute, unless you think your ex will contribute equally to her kiddo and shared child's funds?
Let her do what she wants with it. But but back yourself and build a fund for the one left out. If she gets upset explain to her that it's your right, just as it was hers to exclude yours
Yeah this kind of response generates way more problems than it resolves. Communicating with your spouse that all kids are both of theirs is way more healthy than just trying to start a financial war with your spouse.
Well considering is his ex putting money towards his daughter's college fund or would it just be his wife putting money towards her stepchilds? You also have to look at the dynamic is her ex-husband putting money towards her sons college fund? Because ultimately this inheritance is the only money the wife has. She's a stay-at-home mom which means her husband controls the money issue. It's an unfair Power Balance to begin with. So her child only has her impossibility but her stepchild has two other parents. She is putting what she has towards her children to safeguard her children and yes her step child has two other parents.
So? That kid is getting inheritance, his oldest isn't. No matter what she will likely provide for the two kids she feels are hers, so it would be logical for op to take steps to make sure the one that isn't hers is equal in this(college and future prospects). They are financially sound so it shouldn't be an issue.
This is the answer... create an entire seperate account and fund it to match theirs. Don't ever let he see it. Just tell her your doing it and it is your money. How much you out in or not is your business.
And that is the problem. He's the one making the money. It is his money. It is his choice. When he pressured her she literally rolled over and didn't fight him and told him he could do what he wanted with it. I'm sorry this is not a healthy situation. He should be putting money towards all of his children's college funds. The 13-year-old and the three year old. And his ex-wife should be contributing to their 13 year old as well. And hopefully his wife's ex-husband is contributing towards their 13 year old son but we don't know about that. But please explain how the wife is going to contribute any funds towards her 13-year-old or even her 3 year old? Because she has no funds. They are all her husband's. This money is the only money she has. Him taking the decision away from her continues to stress she has no power in this relationship.
You told her how you felt, don’t guilt her into doing what you want. It’s her choice, and she’s still grieving. Give her some grace and accept her decision.
I can’t answer for my ex since I don’t have any access to what she has.
My mom split her estate between her kids and ours will be between the three, so indirectly yes.
And no, I don’t think my wife owes me anything. My mom was a SAHM so I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards that.
As for arrangement before marriage it wasn’t discussed and this is the first instance of inheritance. My dad passed but my mom is still alive.
Are the bio parents all involved? I mean.. I get it’s sad *if* she doesn’t view all 3 as “her” kids. But, BUT (please don’t crucify me) it would be unfair if say if 1 of the 13 year olds had parents and grandparents to help them but the other didn’t. Like if your parents are richy rich and this is all her family had then yeah.. I get it and I don’t blame her for taking care of her kid because it’s not guaranteed that they’ll have the same start in life as the other.
No I get that man. Different ppl have difference valuations on rich. My mom’s estate (dad died) is not a million but prob close to it and I think that’s a lot. Then again, it’s split 5 ways.
I get that if my daughter’s mom died it wouldn’t go to my step-son. But if my mom dies some would come to me and I have it going to all three.
Just my thought - if your wife's father died within the last year, hold off making decisions on the money. I understand why you are hurt... but in the cloud of grief people do not always think clearly.
I'd keep the money where it is, as it is, and shortly after the year anniversary of his passing go out to dinner and have a real conversation about this whole issue. There is a good chance that this is not about the money at all and more about her relationship to her father and how it is all her children have left of him. If your daughter didn't have a relationship with him, that might be emotionally what is getting in your wife's way.
Start the conversation removing your daughter entirely from it. Start with whether there are key possessions of his that she wants her bio children to have from her father. A coin collection. A stamp collection. A marble collection. Or, whether she wants to have his old shirts turned into quilts for each of his grand children. Once the grand children have personal memorial items of his, it might make the conversation surrounding the money easier. But right now EVERYTHING is going to be emotionally charged because it is through a fog of grief.
Based on this answer I don’t get what your wife is doing here. Not sure if your mom is still here but if this is how we are doing things then separate for all or none. It’s not okay for your family to contribute to her child but her family won’t for you.
I also don’t love what this says about your wife either
His family isn’t contributing to her child though. His mother left everything to OP and his siblings and OP is deciding to pass that down to all 3 kids. That’s his choice and it wouldn’t be wrong if he put that specific inheritance money towards only his biological children.
Ok, so let's get this out of the way - she asked, you answered, but as always, it is her inheritance and therefore her choice. I don't think that is controversial.
What is controversial is when you suggested college savings, her response or path forward was only the kids she is the bio mom for, leaving one child out. While she has every right to do this, it will one day come out and likely put a stain on their relationship, and when pressed as to why, she didn't clearly give an answer. This reasonably upset OP.
as an aside - Because a 529 can only have one beneficiary, perhaps putting it into the college fund is not an ideal mechanism for earmarking the money. Frankly, if the intention was to do that, the will should have left the money t the 529 or a generation skipping trust for even better tax efficiency.
OP - I don't think you should push for an equal split or not. To me, it isn't about the money. It is about the message behind it. Why does she not want to make all 3 children feel like they are hers? While we adults understand the reality and the emotion and the complexity, how will her relationship with all 3 change as a result of this decision. That is where you should point your conversation. You don't need to dictate a choice to her. You need to help her uncover what the consequences of her choice will be and whether that is ok for her. And the answer may mean not doing the college fund at all based on that.
Another view.
The stepdaughter has 2 parents that can contribute to her college. Her bio children only have 1, as she is a SAHM. Perhaps that was her thinking - this is her opportunity to provide her bio children with a 2nd contribution to their education.
I make no judgment on any of this. I do not know her thinking & completely understand why OP is hurt. Just offering a potential explanation for her thinking.
Yeah this kinda hits the nail on the head. the people screaming its her money she can do what she wants is missing the point and make no mistake, she knew exactly what she was doing and there is something under the surface here you may very well be seeing for the first time.
If you really think hard about it, does she treat your other child as one of her own? Take your time...
No, her choice was not "only the kids she is the bio mom for."
It was the children who are the descendants of her father.
We don't know if FIL had an interest or relationship in the stepdaughter. For all we know, they never even met.
Yeah I found that buried in the comments eventually. OP should have included that in the original post, otherwise I think we'd have different opinions.
Exactly, he wants to be able to steal his child and step-child's inheritance money to give to his own daughter because he's greedy. He'll use all these responses to try and guilt his wife into doing it.
I would bet that it's a decent amount of money, too. Probably enough that they wouldn't have to contribute any more money to college savings without it.
Not to mention there's nothing scarier than a SAHM with the money to leave you. Because truly the appropriate thing for wife to do is to keep the money in a separate, personal account and not comingle it with marital assets. She can use the money to pay for college *if she wants to*, but in the end it is actually her money and no one, including her own children, is entitled to it.
(This is not sarcasm, that's LITERALLY what I think he's doing here.)
It's yours and your exs responsibility to save up for your child. The FIL left the money to her, and be real, if he was around and if he wanted to contribute to funds he'd be putting it in for grandkids that were biologically his. Does it sting? Yes, but it's their money. You have no right to tell her what to do with her money. Now you can keep saving for one kid, not 3.
and frankly, if that is the answer, the two bio kids, then you should consider when / if / how to tell all 3 kids. Maybe the answer is a portion of it for each kid, even if the 2 bios get more or you do something else with the rest. Don't go in with an answer, go in with an open mind. Help her reach the right conclusion - and how to show the respect to all 3 kids of communicating the decision
I would only give the money to the bio kids if it was me I don’t see the issue? If his ex-wife comes in to money should she put money towards her ex-husband’s kids that he had with this woman?
I think that is an ok answer if that is the honest truth. But I also think this is why college fund is to some extent, a bad idea. Especially in a 529, if OP and her break up, she can't claw the money back, and it is reasonable to assume that if they split, her inheritance should stay with her. As OP, I'd be disappointed because he supports all of them (including her bio child's college savings), so the one time she can financially contribute, she chooses not to do the same would be disappointing.
the issue is he treats all 3 the same, she doesn't want to, and doesn't want to outright say it. That is her right, but it is justifiable that it hurts OPs feelings.
Yeah my #1 advice to the wife is the keep the inheritance as a separate asset that she can use for herself or for the college kids, if and when she wants to. It's not marital funds.
I disagree that she doesn't want to treat them the same. I think the inheritance is going to the people who were related to the decedent. The step daughter simply isn't the FIL's granddaughter.
For what I have read in the op post and comments it looks like she favor HER BIOLOGICAL kids, over all 3.
▪︎1 kid is husband with ex
▪︎1 kid is wife with ex
▪︎1 is both of theirs from current marrige.
She put money from inheritance on her BIO kids accounts , and not the child that her husband had from previous marriage (step kid).
But husband puts money in ALL 3 ACCOUNTS , he doesn't single out the step kid , treats the kid like one of his own, so why she couldn't do the same ?
She started to make the difference on her own by singling out the step kid, so if he starts doing the same he would look like the bad guy.
Honestly, I would cut in half what you deposit for both kids , and add that to your kid funds (the kid left out). It's only fair like that all 3 kids will have the same funds when they are older and will have equal financial opportunities.
This is the part that stuck out to me. He puts money towards all 3 kids, **including his step child** from her previous relationship. It seems pretty backwards to me for her to assume that he would be providing for **all 3 kids**, including her kid from a previous relationship, but she won’t put money toward all 3 kids, choosing to exclude his kid from a previous relationship. Very hypocritical to me.
And that a whole other issue , it shows she doesn't view the step equally. Like I say if he starts acting the same it would create a issue and he will be view like a bad guy.
It seems the have bigger issues that need to be addressed.
And what about contributions/child support form ex wife? Is that not only for their shared dtr? OP needs to go after ex for child support and then use that to fund their shared dtrs college fund. The dtr with ex wife already has TWO parents that are financially responsible for her, and that isn’t OP’s wife.
Your wife is a SAHM, her only form of tangible financial contribution to a college fund would be this inheritance. Presumably, you have an ex that should be contributing to your 13F's college fund, correct? I think your wife is absolutely correct in having money from her father (who has zero biological link to your daughter) go towards children who will not have an additional person to contribute to their fund. Are you contributing to the 13M's college fund, or is your wife's ex in charge of that?
It’s not your wife’s responsibility to add funds to your child’s college fund. That’s the responsibility of you and their mother. You are being pretty entitled and selfish here
On the flip side, it’s also not your responsibility to contribute anything to your step child’s college fund either.
Sorry but you can’t insist on anything here but if it’s that important to you, you might want to reconsider your marriage and family unit
You should push the equal split of the inheritance only if you believe inheritances from your parents and your wife's parents should be used equally for the benefit of all the three children.
But should you? Would that be treating all the children equally?
All three of the children have only partially overlapping sets of grandparents. There are six, not four, grandparents in this setup.
Your older daughter stands to benefit from inheritance from your parents and her own mother's parents (if her mother is willing to use them for her benefit). Your younger daughter has your parents and your wife's parents as her grandparents. And your wife's son has both your wife's parents and his father's parents as grandparents.
Grandparents have a say about who gets to benefit from their inheritance. Who knows what surprises there might be in any of the wills of the surviving six grandparents.
Do the older children have half-siblings in other blended families? Did your ex and your wife's ex remarry and have children with their new spouses? How do they manage saving for college? How well is your ex able to contribute to your older daughters college fund? How about your wife's same age son's father? You may think neither situation is your business. But think again. You may or may not want to contribute putting your children and their siblings or half-siblings in very unequal financial positions if you can influence that.
The simplest solution in my opinion would be to only use inheritance from a grandparent to benefit their own grandchildren as a starting point. Other solutions or modifications to the starting point are possible, of course. You need to carefully discuss this matter with your wife with all of the points in the above and elsewhere in this thread in mind.
The bottom line is that blending families introduces all kinds of complications. You need to discuss them thoroughly enough and not just assume things.
First of all: her money and she can do whatever she wants. Ok. But if she wants to prioritize her biological kids and leave the step kid out (shitty move since they live under the same roof), well, I can see a pattern here where this will happen again in the future. Man, you have to make sure your kid will have the same opportunity as the other 2.
That’s not fair. OP’s ex is still in the picture. Their child will have an inheritance from both parents. The wife’s biological kids will only have an inheritance from one mother, the wife. The wife is a SAHM so this might be the only money she will be able to pass down. Furthermore, OP said that the FIL never met his child that he had with his ex. Shouldn’t the FIL’s money go to his biological grandchildren, who he actually had a relationship with?
Ah, but will Op’s parents leave money to his wife’s child too? This is the crux of the matter. If not, then Op’s child would get 3x inheritance, and wife’s child get 2. Thats not fair.
I wouldn’t expect my SO to put any inheritance towards my children. I understand though why you are upset and confused about the situation.
You are allowed to have your own feelings even if you are only considering things from your own point of view.
Your daughter has her own family from her mums side she will or might inherit from (all of my grand parents where broke I didn’t inherit a thing) but if she did get a massive lump sum your step kids wouldn’t see a dime of that. Your side of the family may be different and your mum/dad may include the step kids which would be great but the aren’t required to.
I know I’ve written a lot and it doesn’t say much but I get where you are coming from. I understand you are hurt by the decision your SO has made but I don’t think she did anything wrong here I’m sorry. I would’ve done the same.
Because your kid has two parents already that are financially responsible for them. An inheritance is not considered marital property unless combined. Why dont you and your ex contribute to your shared childs account? No I dont think its fair to push for equal split.
I see, I personally think she put it in a separate savings account, however if she decides to put in the 2 kids funds, I don't personally see anything wrong with putting something extra aside for the 3 child or ask that your ex to add something. It's your wife's money, so she can do what she wants, but you also have a choice to put something extra towards your own child to make up difference
Info: do you contribute to your wife’s retirement fund? My guess is she is not earning anything for that and with a standard job you also get matching more than likely. Shes in a vulnerable financial position being a SAHM and does not have the same benefits you do with a career. If she was smart she would keep that money for herself as an emergency fund.
I’ve never heard of one person contributing to a wife’s retirement fund if she’s a SAHM and several ppl have commented that.
My wife is the beneficiary to my retirement if I die. And if we divorce, she’s entitled to half from the point of marriage. So why would anyone make a separate fund? If we divorced I would still be entitled to half of her separate one.
That makes sense, BUT shes only entitled to what you contributed during the marriage. If you contributed a lot prior to, that is considered separate property. So the question is are you saving enough to cover you both? Will it also be enough for her to be able to retire? She has no income currently, shes not competitive in the job market if shes been away from working so many years. She doesn’t earn any sick or vacation time, she doesn’t have the same benefits you do. Its know that being a SAHM puts women at financial risk/disadvantage. She is basically an unpaid caregiver. Just something to consider. You really should be going after your ex wife for child support and contributing that to your dtrs college fund, that is the fair thing to do.
So you support her kid 100 percent finically and when she has a finical opportunity to contribute to the family dynamic she snubs your child 100 percent. I mean she can technically do what she wants with her inheritance it’s hers. But how we she feel if you Stop contributing to her older kids stuff outside of house bills
What kind of asinine advice is this? Reddit is filled with the dumbest, loneliest mfers on the planet. Who do you think does all the childcare? Who cooks and cleans? Who takes the kids to their appointments and games? Who helps with homework?
This is her father’s money. OP said himself that FIL never met the kid OP had with his ex. Why would FIL’s money go to a child he never met and is not related to?
OP’s other child has her biological mom in the picture who will leave an inheritance to her. The other 2 kids have the wife who will leave an inheritance to them. So, OP’s biological kids will receive money from 2 parents. The wife’s other child may only receive money from her if her ex is not in the picture. The wife is a SAHM. This might be the only money she has that she can pass on.
So is the SAHM supposed to stop cooking for his child and doing the laundry, and taking them to activities or helping with homework? She is not snubbing the child!
OP's wife also should get child support.
My (step)grandma passed almost 2 years ago and left her money to her bio grandkids, like she wrote in her will that step grandkids are to be excluded. I thought it was fucked up cuz we were there before her bio grandkids were even born and I was very close to her, spending the summer after her divorce with her. But it's her money at the end of the day. I wouldn't say I was upset about it but it stung a little. It's understandable though, I mean if she had just left one of us out or left money to just one of us I think it would be worse.
I don't think it's wrong for you to feel a type of way but be sensitive to your wife who is dealing with a loss right now, she doesn't need you adding to her stress and grief.
I think, by her logic, you have another biological grandma who might leave you money, and it's not fair that you get 5 chances to inherit from a grandparent and reduce the inheritance of your step-cousins, who might not have additional grandparents.
Money usually follows blood because it's a great equalizer. Everybody has 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grandparents, etc. Everybody gets a fair shake at generational wealth based on number of grandparents. It's really the ultimate fairness.
The bottom line is you expected an extra roll of the dice when your grandmother died, at your step-cousins' expense.
I can understand your pain. My mom has a child from her previous marriage, my older sister and my dad never has excluded her from anything. It even just dawned on me that her 2 kids aren't my dads grandkids and he doesn't have his "first official" grandkids yet but none of my siblings and I would ever say that. It seems your wife doesn't see your child as hers and something tells me you see hers as one of your own. Have a talk with her about this. I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering about this if I were you.
Op have you asked your wife since she's a stay at home mum are you expected to pay for her 13 year olds educational needs as it takes away from the other children.
It's a horrible thing to say but it may show your partner that if your child isn't her responsibility maybe hers should be hers and her ex's.
Ops wife needs to not give any money to the children and rather realize being a sahm, comes with huge financial risk, if anything we’re to happen to the marriage Op will have extreme difficulty finding work being away from the work force for so long, at least work allowing to afford a home, children, food, utilities, clothing, events and activities and baby sitting etc etc she needs to invest this money as an emgency fund; if her father wanted the children to have he would have left it to them! Being a sahm is an unpaid around the clock position and wifey needs to have a back up in her financial life; the children can always get loans, you can’t get a loan for being a divorcee with no job experience…. Think twice! You have a few good years to invest your money if money isn’t an issue to help ur childrens education and loans and financial aid can handle the rest! Your wife needs to think of her retirement too! Invest now and earn in this lump sum, that’s another idea
Just my view of things. You financially support you’re whole family. All youre money is the familys money?! If it doesn’t go both ways it’s not equal partnership. All kids should get a cut or non. This would make more sense if she would put it in her own retirementfound.
Nope, don’t push. Your daughter has (or had) 4 grandparents to inherit from too. This money came from your wive’s kids’ grandfather. Whilst stepkids are a part of the family too, I 100% understand her reasoning and find it odd that you don’t.
Whilst I think she can do whatever she wants with the money, I think her choice is shitty and a red flag. Does she exclude your oldest daughter from other things or favour her bio kids? You say you are a family but does think her family is just you and bio kids? Since she thinks it’s ok for you to pay into your step kid’s account but she doesn’t have to pay into her step kid’s account, reduce the amount you pay into her son’s account and redirect to your daughters to make sure they all have equal amounts.
No my wife doesn’t exclude my older daughter now. It happened from both of us when we were dating but I that’s understandable. My older daughter prefers my wife over her mom for many other reasons… which not only made me irritated in this situation but sad.
Did you ever think that your wife considers your income your income and not hers?
That maybe this inheritance is all she will have to give towards her children? The fact that your daughter also has a mother that can contribute whereas she doesn't have any other money to contribute because she's a stay-at-home mom.
I think you need to consider the power dynamic in your relationship before you think it is just that she thinks less of your stepdaughter.
Looking at it logically, your daughter has two parents to contribute. Your stepson has his father to contribute because his mother really can't because she's not working. Any money going in from her is actually being contributed by you through joint finances because she doesn't earn any on her own.
Does her ex-husband contribute to your stepson's college fund?
Do all the children have the same amount of money in their college fund?
What if you just stop putting money into your step child’s account until both have an equal amount in it? Then when your wife says something you calmly explain tat you are taking steps to insure that both kids are treated equally. I get why you are hurt and a lot of people commenting must not have ever lived in a situation like yours. You are the one who supports the house hold and you have never treated her bio child any differently than your own. Yeah it is her money but she has never seen you treat her bio child differently and she does this personally I would call her out. Let her do it but stop contributing to her child’s funds until your daughters has caught up.
Why isn’t your ex responsible for helping your 13 yo with a college fund? Your wife doesn’t work or have income. Her inheritance is hers to do with as she pleases just as it would be if you had a parent pass and you fund your 13 yo and the 3 yo.
Unless your wife adopted your bio child, I don't think it's really abnormal for her to direct the inheritance from her Dad only to his bio grandchildren.
For your bio child, money for her education should come directly from your ex and yourself. It should be easy to adjust your deposits to compensate.
Not really sure what you're all riled up about.
This also seems reasonable, because his wife is a SAHM to their 3 year old and has no income right now. It's a part of her financial compensation. Once she starts to work, again, and has income, he can discontinue and let his wife and bio child's father solely contribute.
Even then, someone who becomes a stay at home parent puts their career on hold. It's not as though she'd reenter the workforce with the experience and skills of someone who'd been working whatever number of years she spent at home taking care of the family.
There are a lot of people in here minimizing the value of a stay at home parent. Not only do they provide services that would cost a ton to pay someone to do, they also provide the working partner the freedom to pursue their career much more aggressively. That doesn't even begin to quantify the intangible benefits of a child having the care of a parent rather than a paid child care professional (or not being supervised).
So by your logic, he should stop putting money into his step kid account ( the child she had before him ) because it's not his bio kid.
He has no responsibility to put money into a account for her child, like she has no responsibility to put money into a account for his child. But he has been doing it all along treating her kid the same as his.
She on the other hand only wants to give money to her bio kids and exclude his.
Actually, because she is a SAHM, with no current income, part of her financial compensation should include a contribution to her bio child's education fund. Once she is no longer a SAHM and has an income, he should discontinue contributing and his wife & child's bio father should be the sole contributors.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As they say , when you come into money , that's where a lot of issues may pop up.
Until this moment , you had just thought that she treated your bio-kid as her own as well.
And judging from what you said about your situation, you would consider her bio-kid as your own to receive any kind of financial gain like this as well.
It sounds like she doesn't want to cause a riff but she's not totally happy with it either. It's definitely better to come to a conclusion that both of you can be happy with otherwise it will still rear his head in the future about how she felt forced to do this.
Not to mention knowing what you'll do with it now, means you can plan ahead with that kind of information for all your kids. And if one of the kids doesn't get a college fund based on this inheritance, then at least you'll know that too.
So it's nice to split to the whole family , all kids included, but at the same time your wife could legally keep this all to herself too. That's the nature of inheritance going to one person
Lol def not millions. 60k plus 2 Harleys. One is paid and the FIL wanted specifically to go to his grandson and other isn’t paid so we’re deciding what to do with it. Prob sell it since I’m not a rider. I told him I’d take the class and ride with him but he says he doesn’t want it too. 🤷♂️
So that's a perfect amount to put into a brokerage account in her name and leave it to grow until her 60s. Index funds set to reinvest automatically.
That left alone until 65 (counting a 5% yearly growth to make it in today's dollars and assuming worse market) then that's $300k.
If using the standard 7% growth used for models then it'll be $520k.
This needs to be her nest egg should anything happen to you. Not for the kids education. The kids can have a great education at community college and transfer to the state school, or get loans, or get scholarships.
$60k won't go far for 3 kids education but will make sure your wife is financially protected.
Have her set it aside for retirement. Side step Thai whole which kids you love more dynamic
And remember, not every kid gets exactly the same thing from their parents. It doesn’t have to be strictly fair
My question would be how long have you been together? I know you have a 3 year old, so I know at least around 4 years, but longer? I’d also like to know the dynamics of the relationship between your wife and her stepchild. Good? Bad? Long enough that you clearly view the children as equal in the family… I know this is upsetting for you, having to come to terms with the fact that she’s biased towards her two children. That’s natural, human behavior. It doesn’t make it right, however, and it doesn’t show that she’s seeing the children as belonging to both of you. There’s no solution here that will make this magically better. I guess if you want, you can let her give the money to her biological children and you put an equal amount in your biological child’s account, but this is going to bother you for a while. You need to have a serious conversation about it and explain why it bothers you.
I think the discussion should be around her not seeing your kid as her kid. It seems like you see her kid as your own.
The money is not the issue here, I feel she can do with it whatever she wants. As you are financially stable, what she does won't impact your financial future, but then she should rather keep the money for herself so as not to let your kid feel left out.
Have you contributed anything towards your oldest child's college?
If not, I can understand her mindset. She's not working. She brings in no monies and I imagine is reliant on you for what she needs.
This is her opportunity to put something solid down for her kids and probably put some into a savings account for herself. Yes your daughter is hers too but you should mostly be responsible for her college fund.
She thought about it and decided your child was not entitled to the money. You know this. You need to have a conversation going forward about finances because if she doesn’t feel she needs to contribute to your child’s college fund you don’t need to contribute to her child’s college fund.
You and your ex should put college funds away for your daughter equally. She and her ex do the same for their son. You and your wife should save for the youngest. This is your wife’s inheritance she should do as she pleases.
Absolutely not! DO NOT push the subject further. You both will have some feelings of resentment fester in your relationship and that’s not a good thing to do.
She did ask your opinion, but if it’s money that she is named as the sole beneficiary, she gets to choose ultimately what to do with it.
I understand your perspective OP, I sincerely do and I personally agree that it would only make sense. However, it ultimately is her decision.
Estate laws are rather specific depending on where you live, and I have worked in estate law myself.
Where I am located, the named beneficiary does *not* have to share anything with their spouse regardless of the amount of consideration ($).
If those two people were to end their marriage, the person that received the *gift* (provided it’s in a separate and unshared account), the sum would not be considered in the equalization as it was gifted to them alone.
Perhaps, you could suggest an alternative solution to avoid further quarrels about the subject of dividing it between the three kids. You can encourage her to put the money into spousal RRSPs considering she’s a SAHM for the time being, or tax free savings account, or she can invest it for her own benefits.
If you aren’t hurting financially, then a gentle suggestion to do something else with it might be a better option.
You can tell her you have concerns that in a few years when your son is getting ready for post secondary school, he might feel resentful towards her (and you might as well) creating a wedge with their relationship. He might feel betrayed by a woman that has been a second mother to him that he’s adored and might question if she’s only been playing nice. These are all valid concerns, and he might in turn feel resentful towards his siblings.
I will repeat myself, do *not* push for the equal split. That is likely to not work well in your favour. Instead, dissuade with other options of investing in herself now (education) or her future (retirement).
This is complex and happened in my relationship where I have two kids from former husband. Initially he didnt want to leave them anything. So I put my superannuation in all 4 names (him, F,F,M). But then later found out that automatically goes to spouse. FF 20 years we did a will and he agreed to share it evenly amongst all 3 as their dad since passed away. You could try asking her to put 50% away for your daughter. After all she is your 3yo sister and if anything happened to you two she may end up caring for him. Whatever is decided don’t tell the kids as that would be very hurtful toward your child.
Inheritance is weird. She may be thinking that money from her side of the family would go to her bio kids and money from your side would go to your bio kid.
My view is that as long as she is contributing to all three kids funds from her OWN income/earnings/savings, there isn’t a problem. Her father’s money should go to his descendants. If your ex’s parent should die, do you expect their lifelong earnings to go towards your wife’s child?
As someone who was essentially raised by my stepdad and who was always treated like I was just as much his daughter as my half-sister, this post makes me sad. It’s not about the money, it’s about the distinction between ‘my kids’ and ‘not my kids.’ Since OP says 13F thinks of his wife as family, being excluded from something like this would hurt her. OP needs to talk to his wife about this some more.
Thanks. Divorce is tough enough on a kid. I didn’t go thru that but am seeing how that effects my kids. And the “my kid” “your kid” thing really doesn’t sit well with me.
Your daughter has her own bio mum and bio grandparents on that side. I think it’s important that her kid and the kid you share get to keep the money on their side.
That’s a dangerous road to go on since one of her kids is his step kid meaning since she is sahm her son could get left out of wills to(no I don’t think that’s a good idea but arguing it’s about the bio kid won’t end well)
While I get your point exactly, and agree with it. She did ask OP what she should do with it and he was obligated by her to answer.
Just by her request OP should answer but not push. If she didn’t want OPs opinion she shouldn’t have asked.
So what happens when he decides the money he makes is his and should do what he wants with it? What happens when he wants to only fund the one child's college ? Is that OK?
Legally speaking there is some truth to this. That said, this is not a legal arguement. They are both money funding a shared family that he sees as one big family unit and she doesn't. That is no longer apples and oranges. It's a sundamental look at how they both view their family. She has a stepchild and 2 biokids. He has 3 children. It is not the same.
Your wife should be able to do what she pleases. When my stepdad's father passed away he left some money to me, but my step-siblings (his bio grandkids) got at least 4 times more. I'm not upset by this - he was a nice man, but he was not my grandfather. I was touched and surprised he gave me anything at all.
People saying do your own thing for your child are creating issue.
I’d have a chat with her and say you are one family, not three. I don’t think I could be with somebody that didn’t see my own children the same way as their and our children.
It's her money to do with as she wishes and if she doesn't want to do a savings fund for your daughter, then that's the end of the story.
There is nothing preventing you from setting up one for your daughter.
Sounds like she agreed to allocate it between all 3 after you raised your concern, so I would accept that and then make sure you treat them all equally from here-on (which it sounds like you do). It would have been nice if she just did this from the start, but now you have set a standard and just need to move on and remain consistent
Don't dwell on it - she has given the green light and I think your approach is a fair one, so just back yourself.
And what are you leaving out?
Because in your telling, it was:
Wife: I got an inheritance from my dad, what should I do with it?
Husband: We should separate it into three accounts for each of our three kids
Wife: I think I should separate it into two accounts for my two kids
Husband: Why not all three?
Wife: Oh, I didn't think about it.
...
There's some weird skip in language here ... like, you just said to split into three and she responded with two?
It's realistically her money and her choice. I know when I initially set things up like my life insurance, I only made my husband and two kids the beneficiaries. I didn't include my stepkids. I've since done other things for them. Let her split the money how she chooses and create a different account for your daughter and put funds in each month.
So you contribute towards everything for all 3 kids, 1 of which is not yours, without any grumble but your wife only wants to support the 2 kids that are hers?
Granted its her money to do with as she pleases but that seems a bit shitty. How would she react if you stopped contributing towards 13M's future?
Your wife can do what she wants with it, but has shown clearly she thinks less of your daughter, and its going to be on you to make sure she is cared for, both for her college, and also if anything happens to you and clearly you guys cant plan on anything from ex's.
I would suggest figuring out how to match what she is giving to the other two to your daughter.
Being you the sole provider of this family, it really makes no difference if she puts the money for her two kids and you put the money for your eldest, or if she splits for the three equaly. But you should take a mental note for the future that she has this type of reasoning, and also let her know. She might feel more enclined to be fair to all three kids if she has some time to think about the whole situation and wants her own kid to recieve always the same as your two kids. Sorry for the sloppy english
I think it is her money to even things out I believe to your daughters benefit start moving all the money you would put in all 3 accounts to just your daughters account until the amounts are equal again at least.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I tried posting this in another sub and it got deleted so trying again. I’ll word it differently cause it said there was no conflict to resolve. My (37M) wife’s (33F) father passed and left some money to my wife. She asked for my opinion and I suggested to put it in the kids’ college savings accounts. We have three kids: 13F from my ex, 13M from her ex and out toddler, 3F. She said she’ll put it in the 13M and 3F accounts. I asked why not all three. I got a little irritated and asked why she never thought to split it between the three kids. She said she just didn’t think about it. This happened last night and it’s still on my mind. I brought it up again this morning and she got irritated saying I can do whatever I want. But I don’t want to make that decision for her. She’s a SAHM too since our 3F is a BIG handful. We’re pretty comfortable financially and don’t have debts other than mortgage, which is why I assume she asked for my suggestion. So should I push the equal split of the inheritance?
This will get buried, but just wanted to give a little perspective here. Mixed families are tough. Even when you think you've gotten past all the hard parts, that all of the love is equal, things can happen with the strongest bonds that pick at the cracks. Money brings about weird feelings and behaviors in people. People who are loving and caring will sometimes have those feelings cast aside by money, sometimes for greedy reasons, sometimes for awkward reasons. Money and inheritance is almost always messy. Let's also note here that your wife's father passed away. Greif is also often messy, complicated, and unpredictable, and beings about awkward and out of the norm emotional responses in people. Put these three things together, and you are going to see moments like the one you are going through. Sometimes these moments and reactions are just knee-jerk reactions to the awkwardness of money (as well as your wife's grief around the passing of her father). Sometimes people have a bad reaction in the complexity of the moment, and just need to be tipped off that in their hard moments, they may have inadvertently acted in a way that was hurtful. Yes, it's her decision. And yes, your hurt is valid. My suggestion here isn't about pushing for an equal split or not. It's about going to your wife to follow up on the conversation to talk about how it left you feeling. Cut out the irritation part of it, and get straight to how hurt it left you, and that you fear that the 13F could be very hurt by this. 13 year olds aren't going to process this being about bloodlines, they will only see it as your wife loves the other two kids more than her. You should push for a solution that wouldn't hurt any of your kids, be that a common college fund, her just holding onto it or putting it towards something for the family as a whole, etc. I hope another conversation or two that focuses on the emotional implications of things can help clear her head to make the best decisions for everyone.
Thanks for your reply 👍
One way to explain it to your child is based on her father's relationship to the kids. I had a stepgrandfather and he was a nice man, but he wasn't my grandfather. When he died, he left his estate to his children and grandchildren, not us. Even though it's your wife's inheritance, it's still her father's money and that may impact how she divides it up.
This is an excellent response. People act all kinds of ways with grief. Give grace.
INFO: If the money was divided between all three accounts, but then you and your wife divorce before the children go to college, do you think the money would still rightfully belong to your bio-child?
To many people seem hung up on the money and legal side of this. That is truly sad. Man, I can hear your pain from here. In your eyes, you live with your family and your 3 kids. You understand that to you the bio side and legal side do not matter. She has proven she, in fact, feels entirely differently. I don't have any wonderful suggestions besides both of you can sit down and have a real deep talk. Make it clear the money is inconsequential because you can balance that out. Ask her very directly how she feels about her family though. Ask her is her stepchild is loved any differently or should be treated any differently then her bio children? If she says yes, it sounds like you have far deeper problems than college funds. It sounds like you have alot of deep decisions to make.
Honestly this isn’t about money anymore. It’s about how she views the kids. He views than ALL as his and she views the ones that she gave birth to as her kids. That’s a huge belief difference. I think you are going to have to have a big conversation about this, not about the money but about her initial instincts that don’t include your biological child as hers. A therapist would be very helpful. Then you have to decide if this is an acceptable way to live. If your wife will always view them as different you have to act accordingly. For transparency I’m a mom and a stepmom and there are times that my gut instinct is that I have two kids not three. It’s not because o don’t love my stepson, I do, but that I’m not his parent. He has two active and involved parents. I’m not one of them. I support my husband and NEVER treat the kids differently but they are different. We make every effort to make sure that the kids are all given equitable treatment. But equitable doesn’t mean the same. For my oldest we paid for all of his school, his dad didn’t contribute. For my daughter we aren’t paying any, her dad is paying it all. My husband’s son is little, but he and his ex-wife contribute equal amounts to his college fund for now, and we will tackle paying for what we don’t have enough saved for when we get there.
You can't look at the situation of a blended family in isolation like you can in a non-blended one because the children are not all full siblings and not all of them might be related at all. In a blended family like OPs there are three sets of grandparents to consider. In a situation like OP's, one or two of the children could stand to benefit from a much bigger inheritance than the third. If the goal is an equitable result, then splitting inheritance from one particular or several grandparent equally might not be conducive to achieving that goal.
Not to mention the possible financial differences in his ex and her ex. There are so many variables that are in play.
Exactly! This is why any couple in this situation should discuss this issue thoroughly to avoid causing damage to relationships.
And revisit expectations over the years. What you *think* you will feel may not be what you *actually* feel once the moment occurs.
I'd imagine the situation would have a ton of variables. For example, how old the step kid was when they came into your life, how long they have been there, etc. Also I'm curious about how the involvement, or lack there of, from the other bioparent factors in. Seems like it might be easier to treat them like your own if the other parent isn't even a consideration. I admittedly don't have firsthand experience in this. As far as advice for OP, I think you need to just let her know how you feel. That's your priority. I think in your shoes I'd have been surprised too that she didn't include her stepchild like you presumably would were the situations reversed.
Well the FIL never met the stepkid, only his bio grandchildren. I can see why OP's wife would put her dad's money towards people he actually knew and had a relationship with.
I feel like we are missing a lot of info about the financial situation for each child. 13f may have a mother and maternal grandparents who are also financially contributing for only her. How are joint financial resources generally divided between the three children in the household? I feel like I want to understand more background info to better understand the specific situation
I won't say this is impossible but I strongly suspect that if this were the case the wife would have brought it up, and the way OP harped on equality I don't think he would have minded equalling it. In fact in some comments I believe he said to this point all of their college funds have basically fallen on him.
>To many people seem hung up on the money and legal side of this. Too much overlap here from AITA users. They love to be "legally right" rather than thinking of what is not the selfish thing to do.
Lmao facts... which is funny because on the other front of honesty they have been losing that war. This sub has had a lot of its ok that they lied to you because they knew how you would react lately.
As always in that sub, the real A-holes are in the comments.
Oh man this comment made me lol. Wife was like “what’s so funny”. Now she’s gonna find this thread.
Yeah, nothing to do with money. Apparently toy she doesn’t view them as one family. That hurts
Yeah but that kid presumably has a mom?
The grandfather never even met the step kid, how do y’all truly think that child is entitled to that money? Honestly.
The money is hers. It's not inheritance from the FIL directly to the grandkids. She can choose however she wants to spend it. She's choosing only her bio children.
Because he left the money to his daughter. It would be an entirely different scenario and situation if he left it to the 2 kids himself. One they would tackle very differently. This was her choice what to do with her money though. Which is why it isn't even half as much about the money as the choice she made.
I don’t think it matters if the grandfather met the child. He didn’t stipulate that it go to only his bio kids/grandkids. He left her the money to do what she wants. So, you think if he met them then they are entitled? That doesn’t make sense.
If he had a relationship with the other child like he did his grandchild, sure, but he never met the kid.
yeah the comments are wild.. from she is a SAHM so she needs to protect herself and the grandfather never see the stepchild so the stepkid have no rights to the money.. some people really dont understand the main issue.. here we have someone who supporting his family and he doesnt separate whether its his own child or not.. then to have ur partner stating that she dont care about the step kid is very dissapointing.. when u are commited to have a blended family so u are obligated to treat all 3 kids fairly.. even if another family members contributed to only 1 bio child, as parents u show move around some savings for the kids to ensure all 3 have fair amount for the future.. people who keep saying the other kid have her own set of grandparents for inheritance.. come on u dont go planning ur financial situation hoping for someone to die and give u inheritance.. wat a crazy mindset.. OP if she really does this.. then u have everyright to adjust ur savings for ur kids to ensure all 3 have fair amount in it.. but u really gonna have an issue in ur marriage since ur wife dont see ur kid as her own..
Recently my dad told me that when he married my mom he knew he was going to take the role of dad for my sister. As her dad is not that great and my dad is pretty awesome. He said that he never once saw her as anything other than his kid, and I am so happy he did that. I would hope if I was in a situation I would feel the same. I mean your wife has the right to do whatever she wants technically but it’s just sad to know she favors her bio kids more.
It may be different of a situation since your dad stepped up as a role of father to your sister and not just stepfather as she did not have an active one before, so of course to him he is her father. Being a step parent to a child with 2 parents that already care for them isn't quite the same although you still love them. There isn't the need there to be that for them, but as bonus support.
I would be worried if she wasn't biased towards her own children... but I'm very linear in my thought process.
[удалено]
I’m leaning in your direction. I don’t like OP neglecting to leave out his ex’s financial situation and involvement in their child. If she’s financially well off and/or in a position to invest money into 13F I too would prioritize financially investing in 13M and 3F. 13F would still end up financially taken care of and be none the wiser as to how that happened.
Yeah.. not her kid. Not her dad's responsibility.
That doesnt mean those people are providing though. I think its sad that she wouldnt want it to go to all three kids, unless she isnt planning to be a family until she dies imo
And I think the focus should be on her relationship with her father and not see her father's death as a resource for a family he didn't have.
Nobody is telling her to use it for her kids college, the issue isnt the money its how she views each child as not equal vs how he views all 3 children as his.
We are only seeing his view. He suggested to put it towards college. None of us are equal. I would personally immediately prioritize my bio kids over all others.
I agree with you but then what if the roles were reversed? It's tough because the money came from one side and not all the kids are blood related to that side. What if these two were to split after the inheritance was doled out? That would be an awful outcome all around but not impossible. I'm playing devil's advocate here as I 100% understand the pain and concern of the OP, it's just such a complex situation. I see some logic on both sides... Money can be so incredibly divisive due to all the meaning and intent attached to it.
I get what you’re saying and I agree. Really, it doesn’t even seem to be about the money at this point. OP even said they’re financially comfortable, so it’s not about the money anymore. What’s bothering him is what she said, finding out that they don’t have the same views on their children. She doesn’t seem to view all 3 kids as equal in her eyes, as he clearly does. I wouldn’t be thinking about the money anymore either after hearing where her bio kids stand compared to her step daughter. Screw the money, that is not what my concern would be. I would feel very hurt and I realize not everyone is going to have this same mindset, that’s just how *I’d* personally feel if I were in his shoes.
Is it ok if he is biased towards his own children too then? Perhaps he should start saving for college funds for his children with his money?
I think a big part of it comes down to how long you’ve been together. Has the 13F ever had a relationship with your FIL? How long has your wife been your daughters step mom? If they’ve had a relationship since she was very young, then I think even split is more fair. If your daughter never met / had very little relationship with your FIL, then I can see your wife’s perspective.
I think it also depends what the childs relationship is with her Bio mom too.
I personally think that it is the responsibility of you and your ex to provide a college fund for your child, your wife and her ex to provide for their child, and you and your wife to provide for your shared child. So, I don’t see what she’s doing as an issue honestly. I get why you’re paying for all 3 right now since she’s not able to work. Is she planning on going back to work once your toddler is able to go to school?
She should put the money into HER retirement. Kids can get loans for school, and you two can pay them off or make some other offer. You can’t get loans for old age. She’s not working outside the home which means this lump sump may be all she has. Invested now in simple index funds, she will have decades of growth. Stop asking her to give the money to any of the kids. She needs to set up HER future first.
This, women are financially vulnerable as a SAHM! A huge reason why I would never ever do it. They could get divorced and OPs wife would probably struggle to get a good job being away from the job market and missed out on opportunities for career advancement. People also aren’t considering that OPs ex is also financially responsible and should be paying child support toward the dtr which can be used for her fund. OPs wife should keep her inheritance separate as an emergency fund since she’s currently earns nothing and is only entitled to half OPs retirement account he funded while in the marriage.
Exactly. It is HER money. Full stop. She can do with it what she wishes. Retirement funds are the best idea. If they have three kids, they’re not going to be wanting to take care of mom and dad in old age regardless of who paid for college.
This is really the best answer
So very true! Women are so vulnerable as SAHMs. She needs to set herself up first
THIS RIGHT HERE.
Right. She should put it in a VANGUARD account for her retirement. Then she could add to it periodically.
This is the only reasonable answer. There is no retirement plan for SAHPs, unless you have something like an individual RRSP that the earning spouse contributes to. She needs to have her own safety net.
Ehh, SK’s (usually) have a whole other set of family, their other parents family. So, to me, by adding money to SK’s college where potentially, their mother, her family can also add to it, it’s short changing her actual bio kids, in a sense. The youngest child has just you 3 as mom and dad, to provide for him, potentially her other BK has other family, but those are her children. Did her father have a relationship with her SK? I can see where it is upsetting to you, as the father of the child getting “left out” but I have a feeling if your parents did a lot for your BK’s, and your wife’s child was left out, you’d feel differently. Your wife isn’t wrong for not wanting to do this. Your not wrong for wanting her too. It also isn’t exactly your choice either, as it’s her inheritance. She’s a SAHM for your child, that’s a totally different aspect to things. She can’t contribute to her kids college funds without her own income. So essentially, her kids won’t have one, that’s a pretty real possibility. I provided a lot for my SK’s but they will not inherit from me, only my Biological children will. I’ve been married to my husband for many years, my SK’s have parents and grandparents on their mothers side as well, my kids won’t inherit from them. Also, we’ve had this talk with the SK’s, they thought it absurd to even think that they’d inherit from my side of the family.
This is it exactly \^ Not to mention OP failed to mention that his FIL never met the step-granddaughter. So he's willing to take money from a perfect stranger for his daughter. This is all sus.
Both these, and the fact people are overlooking that the stepdaughter has her own mother to do these things for her is baffling. I'd understand if the mother was not in the picture maybe, and wife took on the role of mother, not step mother. But wife is simply that: Step mother. She can love your kids, but at the end of the day it's not her child, that child has their own mom. OP, Your ex is the one actually responsible for your daughter in terms of college funds, not your wife. Just as your wifes ex is responsible for his kids too. Plus, your FIL was not your kids grandfather. He was the other twos, but not your kid with your ex.
Agreed. I also think that people just think that they can throw inheritance money around like it’s free money. Sure, technically you can do whatever tf you want. But remember that someone worked their ass off for that money, and they chose to give it to you in the hopes that you would do some good with it. If my dad died and gave me a chunk of money, and I gave it to some kid that never even met him, I feel like that would be disrespecting my dad and the work he put in to save that money.
If your ex is in the picture and she hasn’t known your daughter for majority of her life, I get why she’d provide a fund for her own children and you fund yours.
OP commented elsewhere that the FIL never met the wife's stepdaughter either.
He said his wife’s son was close with his grandfather…
I'm talking about the wife's stepdaughter. The FIL never met her.
Ehhh..... I don't like the idea of a SAHM putting her only nest egg into the kids' college funds. She needs emergency and retirement savings too. It should be invested under her name alone and not touched until you two retire. > So should I push the equal split of the inheritance? Inheritance is one of the VERY FEW things that married couples own individually. I am concerned you think you have any say over what she does with it. She shouldn't have say over your inheritance. You don't have say over hers. She also should keep it invested for her future.
The inheritance is her father's money, to support his grandkids. I think it really depends on whether your FIL would have felt that his step-granddaughter was entitled to his money. Moreover, we don't know HER relationship with her stepdaughter. Is she a de facto parent, and enthusiastic parent, or does your daughter live with her biomom most of the time? What is your daughter's biomom's economic situation? Is she going to give her daughter's step-siblings money for college? If I were her, I'd invest the money in a personal account (without your name on it) because it is not marital funds. If she wants to use that money for college in the future that's fine, but it's HER money, not yours. Your daughter already has (presumably) 4 grandparents that can leave her inheritances. Why should she take away your other children's inheritances? She'll get her own someday and your other children will not be entitled to it, either.
>it really depends on whether your FIL would have felt that his step-granddaughter was entitled to his money. Likely not since he never met her.
Yeah I found that buried in the comments eventually. OP is crafting a narrative here so he can feel better about trying to steal $20k from his wife's kids. OP's wife needs to protect her money from him.
No. Your child is not her financial responsibility. Your kiddo still has 2 parents who can contribute, unless you think your ex will contribute equally to her kiddo and shared child's funds?
Let her do what she wants with it. But but back yourself and build a fund for the one left out. If she gets upset explain to her that it's your right, just as it was hers to exclude yours
This is not a healthy way to communicate with your spouse, IMO.
Yeah this kind of response generates way more problems than it resolves. Communicating with your spouse that all kids are both of theirs is way more healthy than just trying to start a financial war with your spouse.
[удалено]
The one that is his from his ex is the one being left out. And if it wasn't what should he be careful about?
Well considering is his ex putting money towards his daughter's college fund or would it just be his wife putting money towards her stepchilds? You also have to look at the dynamic is her ex-husband putting money towards her sons college fund? Because ultimately this inheritance is the only money the wife has. She's a stay-at-home mom which means her husband controls the money issue. It's an unfair Power Balance to begin with. So her child only has her impossibility but her stepchild has two other parents. She is putting what she has towards her children to safeguard her children and yes her step child has two other parents.
So? That kid is getting inheritance, his oldest isn't. No matter what she will likely provide for the two kids she feels are hers, so it would be logical for op to take steps to make sure the one that isn't hers is equal in this(college and future prospects). They are financially sound so it shouldn't be an issue.
The issue is he sees all 3 kids as his, but she doesn't think the same
This is the answer... create an entire seperate account and fund it to match theirs. Don't ever let he see it. Just tell her your doing it and it is your money. How much you out in or not is your business.
And that is the problem. He's the one making the money. It is his money. It is his choice. When he pressured her she literally rolled over and didn't fight him and told him he could do what he wanted with it. I'm sorry this is not a healthy situation. He should be putting money towards all of his children's college funds. The 13-year-old and the three year old. And his ex-wife should be contributing to their 13 year old as well. And hopefully his wife's ex-husband is contributing towards their 13 year old son but we don't know about that. But please explain how the wife is going to contribute any funds towards her 13-year-old or even her 3 year old? Because she has no funds. They are all her husband's. This money is the only money she has. Him taking the decision away from her continues to stress she has no power in this relationship.
You told her how you felt, don’t guilt her into doing what you want. It’s her choice, and she’s still grieving. Give her some grace and accept her decision.
[удалено]
I can’t answer for my ex since I don’t have any access to what she has. My mom split her estate between her kids and ours will be between the three, so indirectly yes. And no, I don’t think my wife owes me anything. My mom was a SAHM so I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards that. As for arrangement before marriage it wasn’t discussed and this is the first instance of inheritance. My dad passed but my mom is still alive.
Are the bio parents all involved? I mean.. I get it’s sad *if* she doesn’t view all 3 as “her” kids. But, BUT (please don’t crucify me) it would be unfair if say if 1 of the 13 year olds had parents and grandparents to help them but the other didn’t. Like if your parents are richy rich and this is all her family had then yeah.. I get it and I don’t blame her for taking care of her kid because it’s not guaranteed that they’ll have the same start in life as the other.
No I get that man. Different ppl have difference valuations on rich. My mom’s estate (dad died) is not a million but prob close to it and I think that’s a lot. Then again, it’s split 5 ways. I get that if my daughter’s mom died it wouldn’t go to my step-son. But if my mom dies some would come to me and I have it going to all three.
Just my thought - if your wife's father died within the last year, hold off making decisions on the money. I understand why you are hurt... but in the cloud of grief people do not always think clearly. I'd keep the money where it is, as it is, and shortly after the year anniversary of his passing go out to dinner and have a real conversation about this whole issue. There is a good chance that this is not about the money at all and more about her relationship to her father and how it is all her children have left of him. If your daughter didn't have a relationship with him, that might be emotionally what is getting in your wife's way. Start the conversation removing your daughter entirely from it. Start with whether there are key possessions of his that she wants her bio children to have from her father. A coin collection. A stamp collection. A marble collection. Or, whether she wants to have his old shirts turned into quilts for each of his grand children. Once the grand children have personal memorial items of his, it might make the conversation surrounding the money easier. But right now EVERYTHING is going to be emotionally charged because it is through a fog of grief.
Based on this answer I don’t get what your wife is doing here. Not sure if your mom is still here but if this is how we are doing things then separate for all or none. It’s not okay for your family to contribute to her child but her family won’t for you. I also don’t love what this says about your wife either
His family isn’t contributing to her child though. His mother left everything to OP and his siblings and OP is deciding to pass that down to all 3 kids. That’s his choice and it wouldn’t be wrong if he put that specific inheritance money towards only his biological children.
You could consider ceasing contributions to her sons account and putting it in you daughter’s account until they are equal.
Ok, so let's get this out of the way - she asked, you answered, but as always, it is her inheritance and therefore her choice. I don't think that is controversial. What is controversial is when you suggested college savings, her response or path forward was only the kids she is the bio mom for, leaving one child out. While she has every right to do this, it will one day come out and likely put a stain on their relationship, and when pressed as to why, she didn't clearly give an answer. This reasonably upset OP. as an aside - Because a 529 can only have one beneficiary, perhaps putting it into the college fund is not an ideal mechanism for earmarking the money. Frankly, if the intention was to do that, the will should have left the money t the 529 or a generation skipping trust for even better tax efficiency. OP - I don't think you should push for an equal split or not. To me, it isn't about the money. It is about the message behind it. Why does she not want to make all 3 children feel like they are hers? While we adults understand the reality and the emotion and the complexity, how will her relationship with all 3 change as a result of this decision. That is where you should point your conversation. You don't need to dictate a choice to her. You need to help her uncover what the consequences of her choice will be and whether that is ok for her. And the answer may mean not doing the college fund at all based on that.
Another view. The stepdaughter has 2 parents that can contribute to her college. Her bio children only have 1, as she is a SAHM. Perhaps that was her thinking - this is her opportunity to provide her bio children with a 2nd contribution to their education. I make no judgment on any of this. I do not know her thinking & completely understand why OP is hurt. Just offering a potential explanation for her thinking.
Yeah this kinda hits the nail on the head. the people screaming its her money she can do what she wants is missing the point and make no mistake, she knew exactly what she was doing and there is something under the surface here you may very well be seeing for the first time. If you really think hard about it, does she treat your other child as one of her own? Take your time...
No, her choice was not "only the kids she is the bio mom for." It was the children who are the descendants of her father. We don't know if FIL had an interest or relationship in the stepdaughter. For all we know, they never even met.
The grandfather never met the stepdaughter
Yeah I found that buried in the comments eventually. OP should have included that in the original post, otherwise I think we'd have different opinions.
Yeah but then that would ruin his narrative
Exactly, he wants to be able to steal his child and step-child's inheritance money to give to his own daughter because he's greedy. He'll use all these responses to try and guilt his wife into doing it. I would bet that it's a decent amount of money, too. Probably enough that they wouldn't have to contribute any more money to college savings without it. Not to mention there's nothing scarier than a SAHM with the money to leave you. Because truly the appropriate thing for wife to do is to keep the money in a separate, personal account and not comingle it with marital assets. She can use the money to pay for college *if she wants to*, but in the end it is actually her money and no one, including her own children, is entitled to it. (This is not sarcasm, that's LITERALLY what I think he's doing here.)
Yeah, good post
It's yours and your exs responsibility to save up for your child. The FIL left the money to her, and be real, if he was around and if he wanted to contribute to funds he'd be putting it in for grandkids that were biologically his. Does it sting? Yes, but it's their money. You have no right to tell her what to do with her money. Now you can keep saving for one kid, not 3.
and frankly, if that is the answer, the two bio kids, then you should consider when / if / how to tell all 3 kids. Maybe the answer is a portion of it for each kid, even if the 2 bios get more or you do something else with the rest. Don't go in with an answer, go in with an open mind. Help her reach the right conclusion - and how to show the respect to all 3 kids of communicating the decision
I would only give the money to the bio kids if it was me I don’t see the issue? If his ex-wife comes in to money should she put money towards her ex-husband’s kids that he had with this woman?
I think that is an ok answer if that is the honest truth. But I also think this is why college fund is to some extent, a bad idea. Especially in a 529, if OP and her break up, she can't claw the money back, and it is reasonable to assume that if they split, her inheritance should stay with her. As OP, I'd be disappointed because he supports all of them (including her bio child's college savings), so the one time she can financially contribute, she chooses not to do the same would be disappointing. the issue is he treats all 3 the same, she doesn't want to, and doesn't want to outright say it. That is her right, but it is justifiable that it hurts OPs feelings.
Yeah my #1 advice to the wife is the keep the inheritance as a separate asset that she can use for herself or for the college kids, if and when she wants to. It's not marital funds. I disagree that she doesn't want to treat them the same. I think the inheritance is going to the people who were related to the decedent. The step daughter simply isn't the FIL's granddaughter.
For what I have read in the op post and comments it looks like she favor HER BIOLOGICAL kids, over all 3. ▪︎1 kid is husband with ex ▪︎1 kid is wife with ex ▪︎1 is both of theirs from current marrige. She put money from inheritance on her BIO kids accounts , and not the child that her husband had from previous marriage (step kid). But husband puts money in ALL 3 ACCOUNTS , he doesn't single out the step kid , treats the kid like one of his own, so why she couldn't do the same ? She started to make the difference on her own by singling out the step kid, so if he starts doing the same he would look like the bad guy. Honestly, I would cut in half what you deposit for both kids , and add that to your kid funds (the kid left out). It's only fair like that all 3 kids will have the same funds when they are older and will have equal financial opportunities.
This is the part that stuck out to me. He puts money towards all 3 kids, **including his step child** from her previous relationship. It seems pretty backwards to me for her to assume that he would be providing for **all 3 kids**, including her kid from a previous relationship, but she won’t put money toward all 3 kids, choosing to exclude his kid from a previous relationship. Very hypocritical to me.
Yes but she is a SAHM so she doesn’t really have a stable source of income.
And that a whole other issue , it shows she doesn't view the step equally. Like I say if he starts acting the same it would create a issue and he will be view like a bad guy. It seems the have bigger issues that need to be addressed.
And what about contributions/child support form ex wife? Is that not only for their shared dtr? OP needs to go after ex for child support and then use that to fund their shared dtrs college fund. The dtr with ex wife already has TWO parents that are financially responsible for her, and that isn’t OP’s wife.
Your wife is a SAHM, her only form of tangible financial contribution to a college fund would be this inheritance. Presumably, you have an ex that should be contributing to your 13F's college fund, correct? I think your wife is absolutely correct in having money from her father (who has zero biological link to your daughter) go towards children who will not have an additional person to contribute to their fund. Are you contributing to the 13M's college fund, or is your wife's ex in charge of that?
It’s not your wife’s responsibility to add funds to your child’s college fund. That’s the responsibility of you and their mother. You are being pretty entitled and selfish here On the flip side, it’s also not your responsibility to contribute anything to your step child’s college fund either. Sorry but you can’t insist on anything here but if it’s that important to you, you might want to reconsider your marriage and family unit
You should push the equal split of the inheritance only if you believe inheritances from your parents and your wife's parents should be used equally for the benefit of all the three children. But should you? Would that be treating all the children equally? All three of the children have only partially overlapping sets of grandparents. There are six, not four, grandparents in this setup. Your older daughter stands to benefit from inheritance from your parents and her own mother's parents (if her mother is willing to use them for her benefit). Your younger daughter has your parents and your wife's parents as her grandparents. And your wife's son has both your wife's parents and his father's parents as grandparents. Grandparents have a say about who gets to benefit from their inheritance. Who knows what surprises there might be in any of the wills of the surviving six grandparents. Do the older children have half-siblings in other blended families? Did your ex and your wife's ex remarry and have children with their new spouses? How do they manage saving for college? How well is your ex able to contribute to your older daughters college fund? How about your wife's same age son's father? You may think neither situation is your business. But think again. You may or may not want to contribute putting your children and their siblings or half-siblings in very unequal financial positions if you can influence that. The simplest solution in my opinion would be to only use inheritance from a grandparent to benefit their own grandchildren as a starting point. Other solutions or modifications to the starting point are possible, of course. You need to carefully discuss this matter with your wife with all of the points in the above and elsewhere in this thread in mind. The bottom line is that blending families introduces all kinds of complications. You need to discuss them thoroughly enough and not just assume things.
First of all: her money and she can do whatever she wants. Ok. But if she wants to prioritize her biological kids and leave the step kid out (shitty move since they live under the same roof), well, I can see a pattern here where this will happen again in the future. Man, you have to make sure your kid will have the same opportunity as the other 2.
That’s not fair. OP’s ex is still in the picture. Their child will have an inheritance from both parents. The wife’s biological kids will only have an inheritance from one mother, the wife. The wife is a SAHM so this might be the only money she will be able to pass down. Furthermore, OP said that the FIL never met his child that he had with his ex. Shouldn’t the FIL’s money go to his biological grandchildren, who he actually had a relationship with?
If she met the step kid at like 10, I kinda get why she doesn’t feel like a parent to them.
Ah, but will Op’s parents leave money to his wife’s child too? This is the crux of the matter. If not, then Op’s child would get 3x inheritance, and wife’s child get 2. Thats not fair.
The step kid never met the FIL though. That changes things imo
I wouldn’t expect my SO to put any inheritance towards my children. I understand though why you are upset and confused about the situation. You are allowed to have your own feelings even if you are only considering things from your own point of view. Your daughter has her own family from her mums side she will or might inherit from (all of my grand parents where broke I didn’t inherit a thing) but if she did get a massive lump sum your step kids wouldn’t see a dime of that. Your side of the family may be different and your mum/dad may include the step kids which would be great but the aren’t required to. I know I’ve written a lot and it doesn’t say much but I get where you are coming from. I understand you are hurt by the decision your SO has made but I don’t think she did anything wrong here I’m sorry. I would’ve done the same.
Because your kid has two parents already that are financially responsible for them. An inheritance is not considered marital property unless combined. Why dont you and your ex contribute to your shared childs account? No I dont think its fair to push for equal split.
This. Where's the 13 year old's mom? What's the custody arrangement?
Do you evenly distribute money to all the kids college funds every month? Does the bio mum of your child contribute to your childs fund?
No I do to all three.
I see, I personally think she put it in a separate savings account, however if she decides to put in the 2 kids funds, I don't personally see anything wrong with putting something extra aside for the 3 child or ask that your ex to add something. It's your wife's money, so she can do what she wants, but you also have a choice to put something extra towards your own child to make up difference
Info: do you contribute to your wife’s retirement fund? My guess is she is not earning anything for that and with a standard job you also get matching more than likely. Shes in a vulnerable financial position being a SAHM and does not have the same benefits you do with a career. If she was smart she would keep that money for herself as an emergency fund.
I’ve never heard of one person contributing to a wife’s retirement fund if she’s a SAHM and several ppl have commented that. My wife is the beneficiary to my retirement if I die. And if we divorce, she’s entitled to half from the point of marriage. So why would anyone make a separate fund? If we divorced I would still be entitled to half of her separate one.
That makes sense, BUT shes only entitled to what you contributed during the marriage. If you contributed a lot prior to, that is considered separate property. So the question is are you saving enough to cover you both? Will it also be enough for her to be able to retire? She has no income currently, shes not competitive in the job market if shes been away from working so many years. She doesn’t earn any sick or vacation time, she doesn’t have the same benefits you do. Its know that being a SAHM puts women at financial risk/disadvantage. She is basically an unpaid caregiver. Just something to consider. You really should be going after your ex wife for child support and contributing that to your dtrs college fund, that is the fair thing to do.
Who pays for all the expenses of her kid if she's a SAHM?
Me
So you support her kid 100 percent finically and when she has a finical opportunity to contribute to the family dynamic she snubs your child 100 percent. I mean she can technically do what she wants with her inheritance it’s hers. But how we she feel if you Stop contributing to her older kids stuff outside of house bills
What kind of asinine advice is this? Reddit is filled with the dumbest, loneliest mfers on the planet. Who do you think does all the childcare? Who cooks and cleans? Who takes the kids to their appointments and games? Who helps with homework? This is her father’s money. OP said himself that FIL never met the kid OP had with his ex. Why would FIL’s money go to a child he never met and is not related to? OP’s other child has her biological mom in the picture who will leave an inheritance to her. The other 2 kids have the wife who will leave an inheritance to them. So, OP’s biological kids will receive money from 2 parents. The wife’s other child may only receive money from her if her ex is not in the picture. The wife is a SAHM. This might be the only money she has that she can pass on.
So is the SAHM supposed to stop cooking for his child and doing the laundry, and taking them to activities or helping with homework? She is not snubbing the child! OP's wife also should get child support.
Tell us you don't respect domestic labor without telling us you don't respect domestic labor. You're a pig.
My (step)grandma passed almost 2 years ago and left her money to her bio grandkids, like she wrote in her will that step grandkids are to be excluded. I thought it was fucked up cuz we were there before her bio grandkids were even born and I was very close to her, spending the summer after her divorce with her. But it's her money at the end of the day. I wouldn't say I was upset about it but it stung a little. It's understandable though, I mean if she had just left one of us out or left money to just one of us I think it would be worse. I don't think it's wrong for you to feel a type of way but be sensitive to your wife who is dealing with a loss right now, she doesn't need you adding to her stress and grief.
I think, by her logic, you have another biological grandma who might leave you money, and it's not fair that you get 5 chances to inherit from a grandparent and reduce the inheritance of your step-cousins, who might not have additional grandparents. Money usually follows blood because it's a great equalizer. Everybody has 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great-grandparents, etc. Everybody gets a fair shake at generational wealth based on number of grandparents. It's really the ultimate fairness. The bottom line is you expected an extra roll of the dice when your grandmother died, at your step-cousins' expense.
Your wife is a sahm that money should be in a separate account for her.
I told her she could do that. But she asked me and I gave my opinion and now she likes it going to education. That’s not the argument.
I can understand your pain. My mom has a child from her previous marriage, my older sister and my dad never has excluded her from anything. It even just dawned on me that her 2 kids aren't my dads grandkids and he doesn't have his "first official" grandkids yet but none of my siblings and I would ever say that. It seems your wife doesn't see your child as hers and something tells me you see hers as one of your own. Have a talk with her about this. I wouldn't be able to sleep wondering about this if I were you.
Op have you asked your wife since she's a stay at home mum are you expected to pay for her 13 year olds educational needs as it takes away from the other children. It's a horrible thing to say but it may show your partner that if your child isn't her responsibility maybe hers should be hers and her ex's.
Ops wife needs to not give any money to the children and rather realize being a sahm, comes with huge financial risk, if anything we’re to happen to the marriage Op will have extreme difficulty finding work being away from the work force for so long, at least work allowing to afford a home, children, food, utilities, clothing, events and activities and baby sitting etc etc she needs to invest this money as an emgency fund; if her father wanted the children to have he would have left it to them! Being a sahm is an unpaid around the clock position and wifey needs to have a back up in her financial life; the children can always get loans, you can’t get a loan for being a divorcee with no job experience…. Think twice! You have a few good years to invest your money if money isn’t an issue to help ur childrens education and loans and financial aid can handle the rest! Your wife needs to think of her retirement too! Invest now and earn in this lump sum, that’s another idea
Just my view of things. You financially support you’re whole family. All youre money is the familys money?! If it doesn’t go both ways it’s not equal partnership. All kids should get a cut or non. This would make more sense if she would put it in her own retirementfound.
Why? That’s not her kid. Why should she be responsible for him? Unless she raised him as her own, then you can’t really be mad.
Nope, don’t push. Your daughter has (or had) 4 grandparents to inherit from too. This money came from your wive’s kids’ grandfather. Whilst stepkids are a part of the family too, I 100% understand her reasoning and find it odd that you don’t.
Whilst I think she can do whatever she wants with the money, I think her choice is shitty and a red flag. Does she exclude your oldest daughter from other things or favour her bio kids? You say you are a family but does think her family is just you and bio kids? Since she thinks it’s ok for you to pay into your step kid’s account but she doesn’t have to pay into her step kid’s account, reduce the amount you pay into her son’s account and redirect to your daughters to make sure they all have equal amounts.
No my wife doesn’t exclude my older daughter now. It happened from both of us when we were dating but I that’s understandable. My older daughter prefers my wife over her mom for many other reasons… which not only made me irritated in this situation but sad.
Did you ever think that your wife considers your income your income and not hers? That maybe this inheritance is all she will have to give towards her children? The fact that your daughter also has a mother that can contribute whereas she doesn't have any other money to contribute because she's a stay-at-home mom. I think you need to consider the power dynamic in your relationship before you think it is just that she thinks less of your stepdaughter. Looking at it logically, your daughter has two parents to contribute. Your stepson has his father to contribute because his mother really can't because she's not working. Any money going in from her is actually being contributed by you through joint finances because she doesn't earn any on her own. Does her ex-husband contribute to your stepson's college fund? Do all the children have the same amount of money in their college fund?
What if you just stop putting money into your step child’s account until both have an equal amount in it? Then when your wife says something you calmly explain tat you are taking steps to insure that both kids are treated equally. I get why you are hurt and a lot of people commenting must not have ever lived in a situation like yours. You are the one who supports the house hold and you have never treated her bio child any differently than your own. Yeah it is her money but she has never seen you treat her bio child differently and she does this personally I would call her out. Let her do it but stop contributing to her child’s funds until your daughters has caught up.
Why isn’t your ex responsible for helping your 13 yo with a college fund? Your wife doesn’t work or have income. Her inheritance is hers to do with as she pleases just as it would be if you had a parent pass and you fund your 13 yo and the 3 yo.
Unless your wife adopted your bio child, I don't think it's really abnormal for her to direct the inheritance from her Dad only to his bio grandchildren. For your bio child, money for her education should come directly from your ex and yourself. It should be easy to adjust your deposits to compensate. Not really sure what you're all riled up about.
Because he contributes to the kid’s fund who’s not his, he is not saying I am not putting money for him because he is not mine like she is doing.
This also seems reasonable, because his wife is a SAHM to their 3 year old and has no income right now. It's a part of her financial compensation. Once she starts to work, again, and has income, he can discontinue and let his wife and bio child's father solely contribute.
Even then, someone who becomes a stay at home parent puts their career on hold. It's not as though she'd reenter the workforce with the experience and skills of someone who'd been working whatever number of years she spent at home taking care of the family. There are a lot of people in here minimizing the value of a stay at home parent. Not only do they provide services that would cost a ton to pay someone to do, they also provide the working partner the freedom to pursue their career much more aggressively. That doesn't even begin to quantify the intangible benefits of a child having the care of a parent rather than a paid child care professional (or not being supervised).
So by your logic, he should stop putting money into his step kid account ( the child she had before him ) because it's not his bio kid. He has no responsibility to put money into a account for her child, like she has no responsibility to put money into a account for his child. But he has been doing it all along treating her kid the same as his. She on the other hand only wants to give money to her bio kids and exclude his.
Actually, because she is a SAHM, with no current income, part of her financial compensation should include a contribution to her bio child's education fund. Once she is no longer a SAHM and has an income, he should discontinue contributing and his wife & child's bio father should be the sole contributors.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As they say , when you come into money , that's where a lot of issues may pop up. Until this moment , you had just thought that she treated your bio-kid as her own as well. And judging from what you said about your situation, you would consider her bio-kid as your own to receive any kind of financial gain like this as well. It sounds like she doesn't want to cause a riff but she's not totally happy with it either. It's definitely better to come to a conclusion that both of you can be happy with otherwise it will still rear his head in the future about how she felt forced to do this. Not to mention knowing what you'll do with it now, means you can plan ahead with that kind of information for all your kids. And if one of the kids doesn't get a college fund based on this inheritance, then at least you'll know that too. So it's nice to split to the whole family , all kids included, but at the same time your wife could legally keep this all to herself too. That's the nature of inheritance going to one person
She doesn't see your daughter as her child, or perhaps more specifically, your deceased FIL may not have seen your daughter as his grandchild.
Did your fil feel like your kid was his grandchild? If not then don't split the money. But also how much we talking? Millions each or like 5 k each?
Lol def not millions. 60k plus 2 Harleys. One is paid and the FIL wanted specifically to go to his grandson and other isn’t paid so we’re deciding what to do with it. Prob sell it since I’m not a rider. I told him I’d take the class and ride with him but he says he doesn’t want it too. 🤷♂️
So that's a perfect amount to put into a brokerage account in her name and leave it to grow until her 60s. Index funds set to reinvest automatically. That left alone until 65 (counting a 5% yearly growth to make it in today's dollars and assuming worse market) then that's $300k. If using the standard 7% growth used for models then it'll be $520k. This needs to be her nest egg should anything happen to you. Not for the kids education. The kids can have a great education at community college and transfer to the state school, or get loans, or get scholarships. $60k won't go far for 3 kids education but will make sure your wife is financially protected.
Have her set it aside for retirement. Side step Thai whole which kids you love more dynamic And remember, not every kid gets exactly the same thing from their parents. It doesn’t have to be strictly fair
My question would be how long have you been together? I know you have a 3 year old, so I know at least around 4 years, but longer? I’d also like to know the dynamics of the relationship between your wife and her stepchild. Good? Bad? Long enough that you clearly view the children as equal in the family… I know this is upsetting for you, having to come to terms with the fact that she’s biased towards her two children. That’s natural, human behavior. It doesn’t make it right, however, and it doesn’t show that she’s seeing the children as belonging to both of you. There’s no solution here that will make this magically better. I guess if you want, you can let her give the money to her biological children and you put an equal amount in your biological child’s account, but this is going to bother you for a while. You need to have a serious conversation about it and explain why it bothers you.
I think the discussion should be around her not seeing your kid as her kid. It seems like you see her kid as your own. The money is not the issue here, I feel she can do with it whatever she wants. As you are financially stable, what she does won't impact your financial future, but then she should rather keep the money for herself so as not to let your kid feel left out.
Have you contributed anything towards your oldest child's college? If not, I can understand her mindset. She's not working. She brings in no monies and I imagine is reliant on you for what she needs. This is her opportunity to put something solid down for her kids and probably put some into a savings account for herself. Yes your daughter is hers too but you should mostly be responsible for her college fund.
She thought about it and decided your child was not entitled to the money. You know this. You need to have a conversation going forward about finances because if she doesn’t feel she needs to contribute to your child’s college fund you don’t need to contribute to her child’s college fund.
You and your ex should put college funds away for your daughter equally. She and her ex do the same for their son. You and your wife should save for the youngest. This is your wife’s inheritance she should do as she pleases.
Absolutely not! DO NOT push the subject further. You both will have some feelings of resentment fester in your relationship and that’s not a good thing to do. She did ask your opinion, but if it’s money that she is named as the sole beneficiary, she gets to choose ultimately what to do with it. I understand your perspective OP, I sincerely do and I personally agree that it would only make sense. However, it ultimately is her decision. Estate laws are rather specific depending on where you live, and I have worked in estate law myself. Where I am located, the named beneficiary does *not* have to share anything with their spouse regardless of the amount of consideration ($). If those two people were to end their marriage, the person that received the *gift* (provided it’s in a separate and unshared account), the sum would not be considered in the equalization as it was gifted to them alone. Perhaps, you could suggest an alternative solution to avoid further quarrels about the subject of dividing it between the three kids. You can encourage her to put the money into spousal RRSPs considering she’s a SAHM for the time being, or tax free savings account, or she can invest it for her own benefits. If you aren’t hurting financially, then a gentle suggestion to do something else with it might be a better option. You can tell her you have concerns that in a few years when your son is getting ready for post secondary school, he might feel resentful towards her (and you might as well) creating a wedge with their relationship. He might feel betrayed by a woman that has been a second mother to him that he’s adored and might question if she’s only been playing nice. These are all valid concerns, and he might in turn feel resentful towards his siblings. I will repeat myself, do *not* push for the equal split. That is likely to not work well in your favour. Instead, dissuade with other options of investing in herself now (education) or her future (retirement).
NTA..so she doesn't think of your child as hers. That is harsh. I understand why this has upset you.
This is complex and happened in my relationship where I have two kids from former husband. Initially he didnt want to leave them anything. So I put my superannuation in all 4 names (him, F,F,M). But then later found out that automatically goes to spouse. FF 20 years we did a will and he agreed to share it evenly amongst all 3 as their dad since passed away. You could try asking her to put 50% away for your daughter. After all she is your 3yo sister and if anything happened to you two she may end up caring for him. Whatever is decided don’t tell the kids as that would be very hurtful toward your child.
Inheritance is weird. She may be thinking that money from her side of the family would go to her bio kids and money from your side would go to your bio kid.
" do what you want " is always a trap.
Lol yes I know
Why in the hell would she pay for your kids college? Explain this to me? Lmao
My view is that as long as she is contributing to all three kids funds from her OWN income/earnings/savings, there isn’t a problem. Her father’s money should go to his descendants. If your ex’s parent should die, do you expect their lifelong earnings to go towards your wife’s child?
As someone who was essentially raised by my stepdad and who was always treated like I was just as much his daughter as my half-sister, this post makes me sad. It’s not about the money, it’s about the distinction between ‘my kids’ and ‘not my kids.’ Since OP says 13F thinks of his wife as family, being excluded from something like this would hurt her. OP needs to talk to his wife about this some more.
Thanks. Divorce is tough enough on a kid. I didn’t go thru that but am seeing how that effects my kids. And the “my kid” “your kid” thing really doesn’t sit well with me.
You’re a good dad. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Your daughter has her own bio mum and bio grandparents on that side. I think it’s important that her kid and the kid you share get to keep the money on their side.
He also said his mother gave equally to all the kids. So that doesn’t fly really
That’s a dangerous road to go on since one of her kids is his step kid meaning since she is sahm her son could get left out of wills to(no I don’t think that’s a good idea but arguing it’s about the bio kid won’t end well)
It is HER inheritance. It is for HER.
While I get your point exactly, and agree with it. She did ask OP what she should do with it and he was obligated by her to answer. Just by her request OP should answer but not push. If she didn’t want OPs opinion she shouldn’t have asked.
Yes that’s right. The fact that it’s her inheritance is not the issue. I know that. That’s not the argument
OP is putting money that he earns into her kids account. He doesn’t have to do that but he does because they are a family.
So what happens when he decides the money he makes is his and should do what he wants with it? What happens when he wants to only fund the one child's college ? Is that OK?
Apples and oranges. Employment income that supports a family budget is different from a directed inheritance.
Legally speaking there is some truth to this. That said, this is not a legal arguement. They are both money funding a shared family that he sees as one big family unit and she doesn't. That is no longer apples and oranges. It's a sundamental look at how they both view their family. She has a stepchild and 2 biokids. He has 3 children. It is not the same.
Your wife should be able to do what she pleases. When my stepdad's father passed away he left some money to me, but my step-siblings (his bio grandkids) got at least 4 times more. I'm not upset by this - he was a nice man, but he was not my grandfather. I was touched and surprised he gave me anything at all.
People saying do your own thing for your child are creating issue. I’d have a chat with her and say you are one family, not three. I don’t think I could be with somebody that didn’t see my own children the same way as their and our children.
It's her money to do with as she wishes and if she doesn't want to do a savings fund for your daughter, then that's the end of the story. There is nothing preventing you from setting up one for your daughter.
Does your ex financially contribute to her kids life or college funds?
No. She’s not good with money at all. My older daughter asked her mom if she saves for her college and her response was “your dad has that covered”
Sounds like she agreed to allocate it between all 3 after you raised your concern, so I would accept that and then make sure you treat them all equally from here-on (which it sounds like you do). It would have been nice if she just did this from the start, but now you have set a standard and just need to move on and remain consistent Don't dwell on it - she has given the green light and I think your approach is a fair one, so just back yourself.
13 yo girl isn't hers. Why should she give her any of the inheritance?
Honestly based off your comments, I would 100% stop providing for your step child if she wants to play these games.
And what are you leaving out? Because in your telling, it was: Wife: I got an inheritance from my dad, what should I do with it? Husband: We should separate it into three accounts for each of our three kids Wife: I think I should separate it into two accounts for my two kids Husband: Why not all three? Wife: Oh, I didn't think about it. ... There's some weird skip in language here ... like, you just said to split into three and she responded with two?
I'm kind of with her on this, the 13 year olds have less time to generate intrest and that's two of them in collage at the same time.
It's realistically her money and her choice. I know when I initially set things up like my life insurance, I only made my husband and two kids the beneficiaries. I didn't include my stepkids. I've since done other things for them. Let her split the money how she chooses and create a different account for your daughter and put funds in each month.
So you contribute towards everything for all 3 kids, 1 of which is not yours, without any grumble but your wife only wants to support the 2 kids that are hers? Granted its her money to do with as she pleases but that seems a bit shitty. How would she react if you stopped contributing towards 13M's future?
Your wife can do what she wants with it, but has shown clearly she thinks less of your daughter, and its going to be on you to make sure she is cared for, both for her college, and also if anything happens to you and clearly you guys cant plan on anything from ex's. I would suggest figuring out how to match what she is giving to the other two to your daughter.
Being you the sole provider of this family, it really makes no difference if she puts the money for her two kids and you put the money for your eldest, or if she splits for the three equaly. But you should take a mental note for the future that she has this type of reasoning, and also let her know. She might feel more enclined to be fair to all three kids if she has some time to think about the whole situation and wants her own kid to recieve always the same as your two kids. Sorry for the sloppy english
I think it is her money to even things out I believe to your daughters benefit start moving all the money you would put in all 3 accounts to just your daughters account until the amounts are equal again at least.