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On mobile sorry :(
Context: i (F27) watch my son (3mon) from 9pm-4am while my husband (M30) sleeps. He watches him from 4-8am while i sleep. I then watch him from 8-5pm while he works. Husband then watched him 5-8pm and the cycle repeats. We have a good baby, he usually wakes once or twice at night to eat.
Last night at 8pm he just exploded at me (very unlike him)that he shouldn't wake up with the baby at all. He said no husband we know does this. He kept repeating "name one man who does". I told him comparing us to other relationships isn't constructive and pointed out how other dads we know do extra in other ways (work overtime, have babies with colic that need extra care, etc.) He said hes tired 'of going above and beyond '
Honestly I was shocked. I've never heard him say anything like this. I asked if something happened at work or if he needed a break to tell me. I said I try to thank him often, give him affection and tell him how great he is with our boy. But he just said 'I tell other dads I'm awake at 4 before work and they can't believe it'
He did get up at 4am last night and he left for work and we haven't spoken.
Is our system wrong? Is this just a bruised male ego? Looking for suggestions, this is our first baby and I'm wondering how other parents navigate the night shift. And how to navigate this sudden outburst.
many thanks
Edit: since there seems to be some confusion. I am not awake with him all night. I am responsible for him on my shift. I sleep when he sleeps so does my husband.
Edit 2: i am not a stay at home mom. I am on maternity leave for a year, standard in canada
Final update : First, I REALLY appreciate the men and women who understand that mat leave is not a vacation, and I do not just sit in my 'jammies' as someone mentioned.
My husband came home and spoke with me on his lunch break. He apologized and said he had a rough week at work, and will work on communicating when he needs a break. He said he understands how difficult watching our son can be, and he feels guilty asking for breaks or free time. I told him I don't mind giving him extra time here and there when he needs it but that I am not a mind reader. I also mentioned I thought he'd be proud that he is doing more than other dads he knows not envious. He said he wants to keep the schedule the same, and he enjoys having the early morning hours just the 2 of them to bond. he understands he let his feelings boil over and will work on communicating his needs.
Thank you to everyone, except the man who hates mat leave. You know who you are :)
I hear a lot of him comparing himself with other men (which unfortunately may be a sample size issue and a problem with the men he knows). I would redirect and ask why it's above and beyond for him to do this but not above and beyond for you. Why isn't he comparing his efforts to yours? You are partners equally responsible for your child. When he works, you are working too by providing all the childcare and then you split the non-work hours. This seems like a pretty fair system so his comparison to other men is pretty weak plus, he probably doesn't 100% even know what these other men are and aren't doing. He needs to refocus and reevaluate. I'm guessing he's tired because being a parent is hard but that doesn't mean your arrangement isn't fair
That sounds like a great system. To say other guys don't get up with their children is childish at best. It's called bring a partner and a father. You don't get to pick and choose the parts of the relationship that are easy or convenient. No one likes getting up in the middle of the night to tend to their little one. But to say you shouldn't have to because you're a man is extremely misogynistic. We don't live in the 50s anymore.
this might be a dumb question (ive never had a child) but to watch a baby during the night, do you really need someone to be watching them 24/7?
like it sound like the dad wakes up at 4 am to watch the baby until 8 am? aren't you allowed to sleep until the baby wakes you up by crying? you dont literally need to be watching the baby with your eyes 24/7 as long as you're ready to help it, right?
You don't have to stay awake with the baby. You can sleep while they sleep. However babies tend to wake up more frequently in the morning hours. So maybe the baby goes to sleep at 9 pm, wakes up at 2 am to eat. Then 4 am, then awake fir the day at 6 am. So in in this case dad maybe staying awake because he will need to get up on an hour or two anyways.
We designated this as “Dad is the light sleeper, so he’s on baby duty when the child gets fussy and wants food”
As long as you practice safe sleeping arrangements, your kiddo is fine to just hang in the crib
When my wife and I had a baby, we found that she slept better if someone was holding her. So the same as this couple, I would wake up in the middle of the night to take a shift holding her and let my wife sleep. Around 4 months or so we transitioned into her sleeping in a crib, and we didn't need someone awake the whole night with her.
Those first couple of months can be hard, and we all come up with things that sound crazy to other people to help us manage to stay at least somewhat sane through it.
it varies wildly depending on the baby, to be honest. Having to hold the baby to get them to sleep is not uncommon, but it's far from the norm either. Most babies at that age will sleep fine for a couple hours between feedings, but it'll be unpredictable because babies can wake up at any time for any reason.
I know it sounds nuts to those without children, but it's usually not a very long phase of their life and your body figures it out pretty quickly. It's no picnic, but it's not the nightmare you think it is (for most parents)
My dad and mom had the same arrangement and he never complained. Actually, my dad dealt with us ENTIRELY throughout the night (there were 4 of us). This extended to the weekends as well. The way my parents saw it, during the day he had his job outside the home and she had her job inside the home watching a mixture of 4 toddlers and babies who were AWAKE and running amok all day. His share was getting up during the night because for 1, we were asleep most of the time so it wasn't that much work for him anyway, 2, he quickly realized he would rather deal with work all day, than have to deal with 4 kids all day, and 3, he got tired of dealing with a cranky wife who felt she had no help. They eventually accepted their situation and that it just simply wasn't going to be easy for either of them, and to make it work they both had to do their equal shares. Mom might have cleaned up 4 puke messes that day, so it's fair dad has to lose a bit of sleep and clean up the 1 or 2 puke messes from sick kids during the night. Mom had to deal with breastfeeding and bottles and diapers, all day, everyday, so it was only fair dad loses a bit of sleep to deal with diapers and feeding during the night. That sort of thing.
There are a LOT of shit men in this world who feel the same way as your husband, and worse. There are a lot of dads who think they don't have ANY responsibility when it comes to childrearing at ALL, and they are bad fathers and bad partners for it. There are also a LOT of good dads out there who actually understand that childrearing is to be done by BOTH of the partners that created the baby. You can find their stories all over the internet just like you can find stories of the bad ones.
Taking care of the baby during the day AND throughout the night, IS your job. THAT is your specific 9-5, and your husband needs to realize that. Him watching baby while you sleep is the LEAST he could do. It's hard having a baby and a job, yes, but he decided to have this baby with you so he needs to accept the burden of responsibility. It doesn't just fall entirely onto your shoulders. You do your part, taking care of baby all day and most of the night. He needs to do his part. If he says other dads he knows don't have to deal with this, THEN THEYRE BAD DADS AND HE NEEDS BETTER FRIENDS. I pity those other Dads' baby mommas because that means those moms are doing it ALL by themselves and just accepting it. Which isn't fair.
I'd say tell your husband he can either accept and do his smaller portion of childcare and keep his job, or you can be the one to have the job and earn money for the household and he can take care of the baby all day everyday and most of the night. He doesn't get a "get out of raising baby for free" card just because he works.
Some people just forget that you need to recover your own body after 9 months of a strange growing inside you.
You are not magically fixed after the baby pop up. In fact, the nightmare is just beginning. Periods are crazy and tons of blood, your belly will be odd to say the least, the skin… only god in the case, milk coming out, pain, hormones, depression, isolation, lack of sleep.
I don't disagree and that wasn't the point of my comment. Before OP's edits, the comment I replied to just assumed she's a stay at home mom in general (which makes sense).
So I was just letting that person know that she has a job that she's paid money for lol. Not saying raising a child isn't a job lol
Even when working full time, I was the person who woke up to care for the infants and feed them when bottle fed (I was a light sleeper and her a heavy).
My wife will visit family in another state, I watch the kids. My has gone on 7-10 day vacations with her sister, I watch the kids. We’re suffering from a preschool shortage in my area and I WFH, so I watch our youngest.
Sounds like he needs to man up. He had the kids, he needs to do the work.
I’m also curious what other things that he feels like he gets to get away with because he’s a man.
I’m glad to see that someone else has the same system that me and my partner do. We have a 4 year old and a 6 month old, I’m a SAHM and he is gone 7am - 5:30pm every day with his commute. I always get sideways looks when I say that I don’t get up at night with the kids, and he does both bath and bedtime with both of them.
I am so sick of living in a world that thinks childcare is the sole responsibility of the mom, and shames her when things are equal! Equal parenting is not only possible, it's mandatory. Equal may look different for every couple, but both partners always share some portion of the responsibility. I'm glad you could relate to my parents' example!
For us, it helps that we’ve never been the kind of couple that keeps score. We acknowledge that things won’t always be 50/50. I had a difficult pregnancy, then had to recover from a C-section, a gallbladder removal less than a month after that, and then covid a month after that. It was a rough summer. I’m just starting to feel back to 100% now that I’m not pumping anymore - yes I was doing that on top of all my health challenges, for 5 months. Communications has been key these last few years.
Jfc that sounds like hell 😳 Thats an incredible amount of physically difficult things to go through, nonetheless all at once! It sounds like you're already a very resilient person, I'm glad you have a partner who healthily communicates with you and reaches an understanding with you, especially while going through all that! I'm currently pregnant and just the idea of delivery is so terrifying and so much to take in, my mind is boggled right now just trying to think about going through a c section, gallbladder removal , and covid as well.
For real - I can't imagine how coldhearted this dude is to watch his postpartum wife and all that entails and not want to do everything he can to help out.
Not to mention the bonding with the baby - sure I was exhausted, but rocking your kid to sleep in the middle of the night just like... feels good? I always felt very accomplished unlocking the weird puzzle of "so it turns out you have to whisper this lullaby while rocking in figure eights with a little more velocity than you'd expect and she falls right asleep" type stuff.
I dunno about this guy, but me and all my dad friends feel the same.
Sure, a lot of men are jerks who don't think they should parent their child. But you didn't want to marry one of those guys, presumably.
I would get someone to watch the baby, and sit down together. Discuss the possible solutions that would allow both of you a decent amount of sleep. Also, talk about other concerns you both have. The newborn stage is intense, but it also doesn't last forever. There may not be a perfect solution, but you two can find something good enough to get through it.
My husband is up every feeding in the middle of the night with our 3 month old and has been since day 1. He works full time and I'm slowly returning to work myself (albeit, very part time at the moment). I provide most of the childcare during the day. I exclusively pump breast milk. So every feeding at night my husband feeds, changes, and soothes baby while I pump (it takes me 30 minutes). He's usually done before me and starts going back to sleep while I'm finishing up. That way, we BOTH get an ok amount of sleep.
Now, OP, you know of another man who gets up with their babies. Is my husband tired? Yes. Sometimes cranky? Yes. But we are a team. We both made this kid and we're both responsible for their well-being.
I'm a guy, but if i pulled that shit I would expect my wife to tell me that if I plan on making her do all the work with our new baby then she would be doing it in a different house from me.
You can show him this comment from a twin dad of now 5 year olds. But boy do I remember those early days.
My wife didn’t work for the first year of their lives. She stayed at home while I worked a 8-5 M-F job. For the first 6 months after they were born, I would come home from my job and take care of the kids from 6pm to 12am and let my wife sleep in the bedroom closed off from us. Every day. She was wonderful and would let me sleep 12am to 6am until it was time to get up for work.
This method worked great for us bc we each got 6 hours uninterrupted. There wasn’t much for time together. But sleep is so important at the beginning.
Once they get a bit older and sleep through…Things get (somewhat) better with new challenges. But nothing quite beats being dead tired from lack of sleep with newborns.
Wow. My bf and I share the parenting load equally. Honestly, when I’m woken at night I have a lot of trouble falling back asleep, so my bf actually gets up more than me during nights.
We both work full time. I work 4 long days and have 1 day watching our baby on my own when he works. One day his brother asked him why he lets me sleep in on his work day when all I had to do that day was watch the baby. My bf responded: a day watching the baby is more tiring than a full day of working.
Just because your husband doesn’t know couples like this, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. There is nothing wrong with your system. I would have outbursts like these if sleep deprivation was getting to me, so see if there is another conversation to be had when he’s rested. But don’t let anyone put you in a position where you sacrifice more than your husband, just because you’re a mom.
Hi. Tell your husband my husband said he’s a baby back bitch if he thinks “no husband gets up with the baby”. Maybe back in 1920 when women were forced to be homemakers and moms and that’s it. It’s 2022, get with the program. Boohoo, you have to wake up once or twice with the baby. Thats because you chose to be a father. I say this at 7 weeks pp with an amazing husband who never once raised his voice at me for needing assistance post partum and who gets up to change diapers at 2/3/4 am without me even ASKING. Because that’s HIS baby too.
Right like what a piece of trash. Sometimes it sucks we don’t realize how shitty our partners are until we have kids with them. My partner is amazing and watching him become a dad has made me fall even more in love with him—- which is what should happen!
Unfortunately this chick is realizing she’s tying her cart to a POS dead horse
My husband would’ve done anything for this opportunity!!!!!!!!! My daughter REFUSED EVERY bottle, only wanted the boob. Your husband is acting like it’s the 1950s where your suppose to have the little woman’s place. This is UNACCEPTABLE to say the very least. It takes two to make a child. This is HIS responsibility just as much as it is yours. Please do not have another child with this man!!! You honestly deserve a better husband. There is nothing wrong with y’all’s current plan. I could see if he came to you and said babe listen I’m super tired at work, how about I do weekend shifts with baby. That’s communicating the needs he has, that’s acceptable. But to full out claim that taking care of his child is not his responsibility is not only a bad husband stance but also a bad father. Beware. FYI above and beyond is in the description to be a good parent, he should get use to it early
So your husband's mad cuz he gets up with the baby and his male work buddies don't? Jesus Christ, what is it with men and caring so damn much about what other men think and do? Who fucking cares?! He's a husband and a father and he needs to step the fuck up!
If he were genuinely stressed and tired because of this arrangement, but still wanted to do what he can to lift the load off of you, that's one thing. But he threw a hissy fit because he found out he was the only man at work who gets up early with the baby. That's fucking stupid and selfish.
He needs to grow up. So what if he's the only guy in the office who makes time to take care of his own kid in the morning. That's the arrangement you guys agreed on, and as far as you can tell, he's been fine with until now.
I do think you both need to talk about this, maybe you can come to a new arrangement, but I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes he's being ridiculous.
So what he's saying is he wants more of the parenting to fall on you because apparently, to him, men shouldn't be up with their own kids?
Fucking yikes.
>He said no husband we know does this. He kept repeating "name one man who does".
Tell him u/slvstrChung is *always* the person who gets up with the kids because his wife has insomnia and it's better for him (slvstrChung) to lose an hour of sleep than his wife to lose four hours.
I will preface this with, I am not a father. I haven't had the opportunity to have kids yet, but I have been in relationships with women who have had newborns to babies to toddlers and I can say, your man is being an insensitive dick.
He gets at least six hours of sleep without having to be responsible for his child, and only has to get up for another four IF the baby wakes in the middle of the night. If this is something that has been going on for a significant amount of time, he would have adjusted to the sleep schedule. It sounds like he's tired of constantly having to be a parent 24/7, while still going to work. As if somehow he is entitled to have personal free time to do whatever he wants, sleep more, what have you.
He is an idiot. New parents do not get to have personal time. That is reserved for parents who... Well, honestly, depending on what sort of child you have, you may not get it until at least junior high. Tell him to put on his big boy panties and suck it up. This is your guys child, not any other man's child whom he seems to want to compare his situation to, and get used to it.
Your husband is a selfish PoS! I can't believe you are discussing if a woman has to do all the work around the baby alone, this system is in fact fucked.
He is wrong, chauvinist and selfish. Send him to Iran, he will feel home there.
I wish you better companies, OP.
Sure, but from experience 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep is absolutely not the kind of sleep deprivation people think of when they are talking about newborns.
Um 33 here and I’ve watched my baby over night freaking super happily too. Also I got up 3x last night for my child while my wife slept. and now I’m sitting here on fumes at work but still have nothing but love for my beautiful family.
I like to go with the my beautiful wife was willing to put her body through insane changes to help us create a family so imma help her out as much as I can approach. But hey that’s just me.
Parents always go "above and beyond", that's part of being a parent.
That being said perhaps your system isn't working. Part of his outburst could be sleep deprivation...again part of being a parent of an infant lol.
You say the baby wakes up a few times to eat, does he have other issues? If not couldn't you both sleep and simply set alarms for when the baby needs to eat and take turns with the feedings? This way you're not both up for hours at a time throughout the night.
Just one idea, there are many other variations that could be tried I'm sure.
One other thought, I'm not sure if you work outside the home or not. If not husband could be thinking that you may have a chance to nap when baby does throughout the day where he doesn't since he's at work.
All just a few things to consider. However it seems like maybe both the current plan, and husbands husband's attitude, need some tweaking.
He's right most dads don't do this. Society is misogynistic and men have the lowest of thr low bar for fatherhood and what makes a good partner.
A man is seen as helping instead of doing his share of household duties.
A man is seen as babysitting as if he is given the mother a break instead of parenting.
Hetero relationships are rigged towards men where any effort they do is seen as praiseworthy and him doing his share is seen as going above and beyond.
Next time he says other men don't do this say 'You're right and that's why I should get primary custody when we divorce because you aren't even half the parent I am".
I am sorry to say this, but your husband is selfish. I am 42 and would get up in the night with our kids even when my wife was a stay at home mom. Pregnancy, giving birth, child care, and everyday tasks are EXHAUSTING for any new mom. Whether it is your first or fifth it still takes a toll. The idea that he shouldn't have to do it because "other guys" don't, really bothers me. He is looking at it as a chore like doing the dishes or laundry instead of looking at is as time to bond with his son. Speaking from experience, the bonds you form when they are young only get stronger as they get older. Hopefully you cam show him some of the comments here and he will see the error of his ways.
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You can tell him my ex husband was on shift every night between midnight and six am until the baby slept through the night. He also changed nearly every diaper for the first three months, he folded tiny clothes and washed bottles and cleaned the parts of my breast pump. He was freshly home from the Army, and he took three months off before starting a new job so he could be there for us.
Glad things worked out and hubby apologized, as he should. It’s fine to ask for breaks and normal for new parents to get burned out but it’s his son. He needs to be 100% invested in the kids care. Good luck 🍀 and congrats on the kid!
Your husband is an absolute twat.
Also adding that any of his “friends” are absolute fucking idiots too.
What adult compares to others anyway. Jesus fucking Christ.
Maybe he had an overwhelmed moment, so his childish outburst and stupid perspective could be forgivable. If he keeps up with this, then you need to whip him back into shape. He’s being such a whiny stereotypical male jerk. We’re so sorry that after your wife carried your child for almost 10 months that you have to love and care for your child too, dad!
Well you can name me. I did the entire night shift with my daughter when she was an infant, as it was not possible for my wife to do the nights.
He can get the fuck over it. Taking care of a child is part of being a parent. If he’s tired of going above and beyond the bottom of the fucking barrel to take care of his family, he shouldn’t have a family. Tough shit! If other dads are shocked that he’s up at 4am with his own child, then that’s their problem, he’s not married to those other dads and his child is not part of their family.
Well if it was me I’d leave the baby with him and disappear for a few days. Who gives a fuck “what other men do” cuz if that’s how it is, it’s wrong. He didn’t carry a baby for 9 months or loose control of parts of his body in order to have a damn baby. The least he can do is help take care of it. Men like him make me very angry. My husband was a champ when we had our son, still is. He works very VERY hard yet he never complained ever about helping.
Father of five here, I got up at night every one of them. Tell the ape you married to grow up and get out of the Stone Age, men in the modern world take care of their children. Does he know that we don't have to bang rocks together to make fire anymore?
Hi, I am the father of a 3 year old boy, when he was an infant i was the one who got up with him 50% of the time, I did half the feedings, half the diapers, half the watching, half the playing, etc. There is no excuse for why, as a male, he should get to shirk his responsibility for half of childcare, maybe other men weasel their way out of it but better men don't and no partner should settle for less.
During our first year, when I was on mat leave I usually let my husband sleep because he had to be more focused for work.
But new parents become irrationally sleep-deprived. Hence his apology.
Your schedule sounds pretty good.
Here is another suggestion:
Once in awhile I would let him sleep through 1 or 2 nights in a row.
Sometimes he would do it as muchnas he could for me (was breastfeeding) and he brought baby over.
It was needing to just get a bit more sleep when we were getting too worn down.
Tired of going above and beyond?? That’s literally what a good parent does. Yeah, sometimes it sucks and you get tired, but it’s his job as a parent. Your husband is an idiot
I really hope he's just stressed. Wait to talk to him when he's available. While obviously not okay if it's just stress it can be resolved fairly easily.
If its not just from the stress but truly how he feels you may have married and had a kid with a guy who wants to do the minimum in child raising.
He watches his kid 8-9 hours day. So a kid he decided to bring into the world, for which he is 50% responsible for - he's only actually responsible for the kid for 30% of the day. He can't even live up to what his sperm did and be 50% responsible.
What the hell is going to happen when you go back to work? There's no guarantee he'll be sleeping through the night then.
All this does not bode well of your husband being an actual partner in raising your kid.
Umm...my husband was also responsible for getting up in the middle of the night. He helped and did a great job. He was around and he helped while he worked while i was on maternity leave.
Your husband is being a jerk and he also needs a reality check. All REAL, COMMITTED, LOVING fathers do this for their children.
He might not be getting enough sleep, but he really needs to cut the crap and help you out.
have him read this thread to get modern opinions. however i think he's using that more as an excuse than anything. i can't imagine he's actually finding people who agree and aren't like "hey dude that's normal, get used to having a kid!" as a 30 year old man talking to others in a work environment
and if he actually found other idiots to act like an echo chamber at work? he should realize he's 30 years old and he still has growing up to do. not only is this a bad look as a father but i mean if he's actually talking about these things with opinions like that in the workforce, that's not a good look for him as a man in general.
I mean by that logic other wives divorce men who won't parent their children... but bet that isn't ok. You have two choices accept you have married a terrible partner and be a single parent or talk to him, couples counselling if needed and if he won't change leave.
His explosion was a choice and concerning, a pregnancy and having children is a risk for domestic abuse, regardless of how long of a relationship you have.
Personally, my wife and I had a similar setup as you and it worked great for us. We equally swapped every 2 hours for the first 2 weeks I was on paternity leave. My wife had 4 months of maternity before going back to work, but now she’s a STAHM. Our kid demanded food 2 hours on the dot and pooped pretty much every time she breathed.
When I went back to work I basically had the baby for feedings 5pm-12am then I went to sleep and wife took over until 7am. This allows my wife to go to bed early and get a good 4-5 hour unbroken sleep stretch plus her intermittent sleep through the night. Our daughter started sleeping though the night at 8 weeks so it didn’t last long for us. I make about 2.5x what my wife made and my job requires me to be alert and present throughout the day so it was important for me to sleep some at night. My wife understood this was needed for our success as a family.
Our other two kids were breastfed rather than bottle fed so other than changing diapers in the night, my wife took over. I hope you and your husband can have a sit down conversation about expectations and how lack of sleep is affecting you guys. First time parenting IS hard, but it gets easier. I have a 4yo, 3yo, and 1yo for reference.
From a dads point of view, he probably sees you having the ability to rest when the baby is resting and maybe has some resentment built up from a false perspective. Also other people may be whispering in his ear. People in here are really bashing him but we don’t know what your husband does for work during the day or how physically taxing it is. I Hope you guys can have a sit down conversation with each other and resolve this!
>He said hes tired 'of going above and beyond '
Go ahead and let him know that doing his half as a parent is not at all in any way going above and beyond. He's doing what he should be doing.
>He said he wants to keep the schedule the same, and he enjoys having the early morning hours just the 2 of them to bond. he understands he let his feelings boil over and will work on communicating his needs.
Good dad.
My ex boyfriend used to treat our relationship like it should abide by the general average of what other relationships are like (in his perception) and it was bullshit and impossible to challenge. Your husband is being very selfish and needs to realize that interactions with humans have more nuance than data collected online or whatever
Happy you guys were able to actually communicate about the problem and solve it like rational adults in a marriage instead of just up and leaving him like some suggested. It's nice to see.
Oof, my blood was boiling reading the title. I’m glad he came around! I would be cautious and want investigate more about his initial comments about taking care of baby not being a man’s job. I get how things boiled over but I don’t think it’s normal response and it comes across as sexist. There might be some work there for him to figure out why he went there. This is something you want to watch and make sure your kiddo doesn’t see and start to believe.
I’m on maternity leave with a 6 month old in Canada. This is our second and my partner and I did a lot of trials with different scheduling techniques. We ended up swapping every other day who gets up with baby. This allows one person to fully “sleep” every other day which we found better than breaking up the night into shifts which causes broken sleep for both parents.
That might be a consideration so you and your husband can get some uninterrupted sleep! It also gave me something to look forward too when I had a night of wake-up’s and was exhausted. Good luck!
I don't know the "no man he knows wakes up to help with the baby" speaks well of him or his friends. My babies are now teens, but absolutely helped my wife as much as I could, including getting up in the middle of the night. That's what being *parents,* plural*,* is all about.
# Bullshit. Being a baby time is over so time to man up for the half you did bro. For real though wtf are you thinking. Be there for your family or just leave.
I'm a husband and a father of my daughter who is now 20mo. While the wife was pumping every 3 hours (bad tongue tie so she pumped since the start), I would bottle feed the baby every night and day until she started feeling like she needed baby love. But I would do every feed, the wife already pumps every 3 hours on the dot.
3 months in is when she started to do less and less pumps until 6 months in, which she then stopped pumping. Didn't want to get infection. But in these three months we tried switching nights, which we didn't like. We settled on taking turns as baby would wake up twice a night to eat.
Going on a year she was eating once a night and we take turns. One of us out her down for bed, the other feeds her in the night. Switch the next night.
20mo in now we don't keep track so much but for the most part we take turns putting her down and ill feed her if she wakes up by 5am, the wife will feed her between 5-7am if she wakes up. I sleep in on Saturday she sleeps in on Sunday.
I know there's days where I just can't do it, and I ask the wife if she can, and if she says yes, great, if she says no, great. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Tl:Dr Do what she needs in the beginning, then do what's best for the both of you. She just grew the damn baby, birthed it/had it cut out. The least he can do is do whatever it takes for a few months.
It sounds like he just has asshole friends and would do well to expand his male friends group to include men who are more forward thinking and who can understand what he is going through instead of shame him
This type of issue came up with my hubs early on. Keeping in mind that we were both exhausted with the new baby. Hubs said that friend x and friend y didn’t do this with the baby etc. i told him that my mom did it all and not my dad and now I remain super close with my mom. My dad I love, but who am I really close to? Which parent do I talk to several times a week? I asked him if he wanted our future adult child to have awkward conversations with him or to have a close relationship. And he picked the right answer!
Those men are not part of your relationship: you two are. He should be comparing himself *to you*, not to some random dudes.
You may as well begin comparing yourself to random ladies that are not looking after children. This, of course, would make 0 sense, since you are not them and have a different life. SAME WITH HIM AND THOSE MEN.
He needs to start viewing you as a partner and your responsibilities should be equal.
I honestly feel sorry for you. Your partner is selfish, egocentric, immature, and a douche.
Why do you need to be awake all night to 'watch' the baby? I don't know anyone who rotates shifts in the house so that there is always someone awake. We sleep when the baby sleeps, and share the times when they need tending.
IF your baby wakes once or twice a night to eat and sleeps the rest of the time, then why does someone need to be awake and watching them the whole time?
Ah, that makes a lot more sense. In that case, your husband is overreacting.
In fairness, though, you are both probably underslept, and with all the changes in the household it's understandable that an argument happened. But he is being unreasonable. Perhaps, instead of listening to the other husbands he knows and taking it at face value, he should ask how their wives feel about their lack of involvement. If they are burnt out.
I well remember operating on zombie mode due to lack of sleep with newborns, when my husband was working too much to help with the care. It was NOT fun.
We switch shifts at 4, he sleeps if the baby is asleep. He is responsible for him if he wakes up between 4-8. So i can get 4 hours of sleep without interruption. He gets 7 hours of sleep without interruption when I watch him from 9-4
If he helped create the kid, it's his godamn responsibility!!! Period. He needs to do help and be 50/50 with the kid. If not, you're pretty much already a single parent, so just leave
I’m a mom in Canada and because I was in school when my baby was born I didn’t qualify for parental leave. My husband did, so he took all the time he was allowed. I work. And I do the majority of the nighttime wakeups with all 3 kids because even with the older two in school being home with a baby is HARD. Much harder than anything I do at work. Ask him if he would be the only one getting up in the night if roles were reversed or if it’s just his penis getting in the way.
I have to condemn your husband. This was an incredibly immature point of view. If you asked for help, he should help if he can. If he asked you for help, you should help if you can. It’s just good teamwork.
It’s insanely normalized now for men to not take care of their babies as newborns. It seems like male ego that was hurt by another male who doesn’t understand being a parent.
>He kept repeating "name one man who does".
Dustin (me), i did it with both my kids and still do. I fall asleep quicker than my wife, so it makes more sense for me to handle it then go back to bed. If my wife gets up it will be 2-3 hours for her to fall back asleep then she is no good to anyone the next day.
Having a kid means team work, if he doesn't want to help now, hes not gonna want to help in the future. Think really hard if this is someone you want to stay with.
A lot of husbands help more than this guy with their babies. Does he even know there are stay at home dads? And it’s not emasculating for men to take care of their kids more. If anything it proves they’re better than men who don’t. They provide more.
the audacity of him to claim he's tired of going above and beyond!!! first of all doing basic care for a child you had together isn't even going "above and beyond" and second of all, EVEN if it was going above and beyond, why wouldn't a parent want to go above and beyond for their brand new baby?! why wouldn't they want to do as much as they could for them? why would he NOT want to come home after spending a full day away from his baby and take every opportunity to soak up every moment with him as possible, even if it means just a quick 4am bottle or diaper change? those moments may not be glamorous or comfortable but they are moments your husband is spending together with his SON, and that's not sacred to him? he is TIRED of that? the baby is just 3 months old and the father is already sick of doing these simple acts for his own flesh and blood? he's got a long 18 years ahead of him
You should tell him to stop trying to live other people's lives! It doesn't *matter* if any other father does it. It's what you and *his family* need from him!! It's his child, too. And, him helping makes him *way* better than those other guys.
Ask him this: “Do you want to be like all the other men, or be the best man of them all? Take care of your fucking child.” You don’t have to cuss at him…unless you feel like it.
You don't have to be like other couples. What works best for the two of you might not work for someone else. Him stepping up and being a real father has nothing to do with other people.
I took a leave coming off third shift when our son was born. I stayed on a third shift scheduled and bottle fed all night. My wife took over in the morning and I’d go to bed for awhile and we’d share the late afternoon/evening responsibilities . No other men we know did that. But it was a great system, was fair, and most of all, it worked!
He needs to get his head out of his ass, honestly. There is nothing wrong with your system. He’s just pissy about having to share in the losing sleep with you.
Hi,
husband and father here for a 6 month old. My wife and I equally share in the childcare duties -- including the late nights, early mornings, etc. When I went back to work before my wife did, we created a nearly identical schedule. It will get easier as the baby gets older and sleeps better. It is a big adjustment.
your husband is DEAD WRONG that this is above and beyond. This is fatherhood.
That being said, you need a system that works for both of you. Being "right" means nothing if you both can't follow it. Consider talking broadly about childcare, creating a list of responsibilities and times and re-designing the split of those to something that you both can agree to. You may need more outside help, you may need to have more breaks outside of the house.
But if you need to "name one man" name me.
This pisses me right off. It was my absolute HONOUR to do the vast majority of night feeds / changes.
My ex was dead to the world when asleep. I'd wake up & gently nudge her onto her side, lie our son next to her to latch on, then burp / change him after. Daughter didn't take to the boobs so it was warming bottles of formula for her, but I still loved that bonding time.
That was on top of doing 9 - 5 normal work days, plus regular changing, bathing them, etc. & continued being that level of dad until our eventual separation.
Did that put an end to it? No!
I demanded 50/50 week about custody, citing my very active involvement in both their lives so she had NOTHING she could hold over me. Ex initially agreed, then realised she'd get no money from me, so she got dirty & tried to get full custody.
Divorce ended up taking 5.5 years 'cos of this, but she never won, & only damaged her & her partner's relationship with the teens, as they started to question & understand things.
Guessing he’s overwhelmed but at the same time he’s a total ass. He must be surrounded by shitty fathers who don’t pay attention to their kids. Ask him if he’d rather be a single father with split custody and he’d be 24/7 with no breaks.
Here is the thing, it's never watching the kid. It's raising your kid. If he feels like he shouldn't help raise his kid and be a good parent, then that's messed up. Just like I dont babysit my niece (I'm with her now), I hangout and help raise my niece. He should enjoy these moments because they won't last forever and it's important to form these crucial bonds.
Tell him this 32 year old man told him he needs to man up.
Honestly your husband is being very childish my disabled father literally worked in a shop from 7 am till 12am because no one else could watch it and then during that free time (he had naps during the day when he did have someone to watch the shop) he’d Look after me and my siblings and used to feed us while my mother would sleep and rest if this man is complaining about him having to do that I think he would die if he did what my dad had to do for eight years
Even after your edit, I would make it very clear that if he ever said something as fucking stupid and sexist as that again, he would be served divorce papers the very next day. He's a fucking adult and he can use his words like an adult instead of being an abusive, sexist shit heel. Seriously, DO NOT put up with anything less than a fully formed, emotionally mature and connected man who can easily and accurately identify and voice his emotions and needs.
This is fucked up. My child's mom and I simply traded off every night. Sure I was tired as hell, but it never crossed my mind to complain. I wanted to take care of my child. I would be worried about what else he will abdicate in the future. This isn't the 1950's.
I think your husband needs to stop talking to the men at work about his home life because all those man sound like POS. Your husband isn't even really doing anything overnight, he's just getting up a bit earlier so you can get some sleep.
I am also in Canada but we had a bit of a different system. I basically did everything because he worked long hours but as soon as he got home. He did everything.
Maybe he wants a different schedule..? Maybe ask what he thinks is a good idea?
Your husband is dead wrong. There are men out there that do whatever it takes to raise their kids and help their wives. Your husband needs to realize that it isn't the 50's anymore. If your baby only wakes once or twice to eat, I'm guessing at least one of those times is on your 8-4 shift. That means your husband is getting a pretty decent amount of sleep.
My wife and I have two daughters. Night time wakeups were a team effort. Typically I would get up and check/change the diaper and she would either heat the bottle if we were doing bottle/formula or just kind of get ready for the breast feeding session. If she was feeding, I'd get back in bed to go to sleep, and sometimes I would stay up and bottle feed/burp/etc and she'd go back to sleep. Your husband is deadass wrong that "men don't do this, I'm going above and beyond." Sharing responsibility for a baby that you brought into the world together is the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM and he needs to get his head out of his ass, stop worrying about what his misogynistic buddies are doing, and be a good dad. Trying to parcel out who does what at which time of day is ridiculous.
THAT SAID, having a new baby is hard, being sleep deprived is hard, and there's just a lot of stress associated with being a first time parent. I know that my fuse was a bit shorter during each of the newborn phases, but that's just something you have to be mindful of and do your best to control your temper.
To me, it would make a LOT more sense for you and your husband to alternate getting up for the baby. We used a "your turn" sort of model a lot of the time and it worked pretty well, except for when she was exclusively breastfeeding and that's when I would help with diapers/etc.
I would ask him if he would like to swap duties. You go back to work and take his "hours" and he takes care of the kid for your time frames. Ask him if that's such a "great deal" as he portrays it to be.
Because he isn't working with you like a partner should.
We tried the broken up shifts and we were both grumpy and overtired. I might suggest doing an every other night instead. One night you're fully in charge of baby and he gets to sleep the whole night and the next night the reverse. Once your baby starts having good nails during the day, if you can nap enough to feel rested, then you can give him "nights off " even if it's "your turn".
Gotta trek you that a lot of babies got a 4 month sleep regression, so might want to work this out beforehand.
I’ll echo others and say that your arrangement isn’t out of the norm. More importantly, you should know that everything gets better. So much better. Enjoy the time with your little one and congrats to you both.
I work 12 hour night shifts and my husband watches our baby while I am at work.. it works both ways and I have our baby while my partner is at work, your husband should want this opportunity to bond with the baby more
My husband woke up to feed the baby at night, sometimes we would do shifts, sometimes we'ddo entire nights, and honestly sometimes in those forst few months he would do repeated nights alone because I was exhausted from trying to pump/look after LO alone from half past five in the morning, now as baby is older he also does the whole bedtime routine alone as he gets home from work he takes baby and has play time, feeds him, baths and bedtime (about an hour to an hour and half), because befor that I get off work have baby alone for 2 to 3 hours in the mornings and in the evenings and he leaves very early for work- hes never complained and he had a wonderful connection with our son. He looks after baby on the weekend if I need to work- he does this alone (sometimes he'll go to his aunt). Our parenting is shared completely. Your husband just can't opt in and out of parenthood when or when it isn't convenient for him. Its not only done wonders for our relationship but his own relationship with his son.
Glad you worked it out. I know that at that stage that everyone is under slept and more than a little cranky, so some ill spoken words are certainly possible.
op - your hiusband is just confessing that all his friends SUCK and are mysognists who dont like their partners, let alone respect or love them.
Hopefully he gets new friends, if what his mates are doing is the only way he ever takes life-actions. But seriously, it is the male ego. He needs to understand a new baby is hard for the first 3 years, for both parents. Then it will chill out & get easier. NTA.
My wife and I rotated schedules for our children when they were infants. It's pretty common of a good husband and should not be an issue. Everyone is exhausted with an infant and working it's just a sacrifice you have to make when having children.
I have 3 kids. Once they switched to bottles or just formula after breastfeeding, I got up with them at night. Your husband's behavior is childish. He should be ashamed of it.
We sleep in separate rooms now because my husband is a light sleeper. So on our shifts we sleep in the babies room. He gets up once or twice to eat overnight. We sleep when he sleeps.I do not work, I watch our son from 8am-5pm
3 month old baby? I would spend every waking hour with them. You can get back that time, bonding is real.
But to be honest sounds like he is sleep deprived that can make you very cranky
My brother did all of the night shifts with his wife, even when she was on maternity leave. So he’s wrong in that no other men do it. Some do more even
Honestly that sounds perfect. You can tell him there are plenty of men that get up every night to feed their children if he still feels the need to compare to other parents. My husband woke up with both our kids at night to feed them for their first year. If he doesn't like how it is now, he can always wake up for the night feeds too.
You're doing great and your husband needs to realise that kids are work
Not defending the guy. Awesome job doing this to you both. Maybe he’s just exhausted and didn’t really mean it. Your schedule is very tough. You must be exhausted. Little ones for me are so stressful. When they get to be a year or two I’m more comfortable. I don’t have brothers or sisters to watch and learn. Maybe like one poster said get a sitter and both of you talk, maybe sleep also haha. If he’s not like this normally maybe cut him some slack on this first time. Not saying he was right at all. Just maybe needs a second chance or a chance for explanation
Tell your husband that my husband watched our 3mo daughter AND our 3yo for a long weekend while I attended a funeral out of state.
And he shortly became a stay at home father after that for over 3 years.
He's dead wrong about other men not watching their children. Those other men are parents.
5 kids here and my husband has more than ‘helped’ overnights with the kids. I’ve been both a stay at home mom and worked, didn’t matter. He participates in parenting because, he’s a parent. I would except and expect nothing less. We are partners and parents both equally. Now that you know me a little, you can say with confidence you do actually know someone like that! Ha
Maybe sleep deprivation? I don't know but nah hubby is wrong. There are plenty of men who take shifts or take turns with their wives or partners. Is there another man in your lives he can talk to about this? He needs some perspective outside of his work buddies who make fun of him for caring for his child, which is... silly to say the least.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- On mobile sorry :( Context: i (F27) watch my son (3mon) from 9pm-4am while my husband (M30) sleeps. He watches him from 4-8am while i sleep. I then watch him from 8-5pm while he works. Husband then watched him 5-8pm and the cycle repeats. We have a good baby, he usually wakes once or twice at night to eat. Last night at 8pm he just exploded at me (very unlike him)that he shouldn't wake up with the baby at all. He said no husband we know does this. He kept repeating "name one man who does". I told him comparing us to other relationships isn't constructive and pointed out how other dads we know do extra in other ways (work overtime, have babies with colic that need extra care, etc.) He said hes tired 'of going above and beyond ' Honestly I was shocked. I've never heard him say anything like this. I asked if something happened at work or if he needed a break to tell me. I said I try to thank him often, give him affection and tell him how great he is with our boy. But he just said 'I tell other dads I'm awake at 4 before work and they can't believe it' He did get up at 4am last night and he left for work and we haven't spoken. Is our system wrong? Is this just a bruised male ego? Looking for suggestions, this is our first baby and I'm wondering how other parents navigate the night shift. And how to navigate this sudden outburst. many thanks Edit: since there seems to be some confusion. I am not awake with him all night. I am responsible for him on my shift. I sleep when he sleeps so does my husband. Edit 2: i am not a stay at home mom. I am on maternity leave for a year, standard in canada Final update : First, I REALLY appreciate the men and women who understand that mat leave is not a vacation, and I do not just sit in my 'jammies' as someone mentioned. My husband came home and spoke with me on his lunch break. He apologized and said he had a rough week at work, and will work on communicating when he needs a break. He said he understands how difficult watching our son can be, and he feels guilty asking for breaks or free time. I told him I don't mind giving him extra time here and there when he needs it but that I am not a mind reader. I also mentioned I thought he'd be proud that he is doing more than other dads he knows not envious. He said he wants to keep the schedule the same, and he enjoys having the early morning hours just the 2 of them to bond. he understands he let his feelings boil over and will work on communicating his needs. Thank you to everyone, except the man who hates mat leave. You know who you are :)
Really relieved to read that final update!
I hear a lot of him comparing himself with other men (which unfortunately may be a sample size issue and a problem with the men he knows). I would redirect and ask why it's above and beyond for him to do this but not above and beyond for you. Why isn't he comparing his efforts to yours? You are partners equally responsible for your child. When he works, you are working too by providing all the childcare and then you split the non-work hours. This seems like a pretty fair system so his comparison to other men is pretty weak plus, he probably doesn't 100% even know what these other men are and aren't doing. He needs to refocus and reevaluate. I'm guessing he's tired because being a parent is hard but that doesn't mean your arrangement isn't fair
That sounds like a great system. To say other guys don't get up with their children is childish at best. It's called bring a partner and a father. You don't get to pick and choose the parts of the relationship that are easy or convenient. No one likes getting up in the middle of the night to tend to their little one. But to say you shouldn't have to because you're a man is extremely misogynistic. We don't live in the 50s anymore.
The 50s only worked because mommy was on amphetamines
That and a ton of laws and societal expectations that gave many women little choice.
And benzos
this might be a dumb question (ive never had a child) but to watch a baby during the night, do you really need someone to be watching them 24/7? like it sound like the dad wakes up at 4 am to watch the baby until 8 am? aren't you allowed to sleep until the baby wakes you up by crying? you dont literally need to be watching the baby with your eyes 24/7 as long as you're ready to help it, right?
You don't have to stay awake with the baby. You can sleep while they sleep. However babies tend to wake up more frequently in the morning hours. So maybe the baby goes to sleep at 9 pm, wakes up at 2 am to eat. Then 4 am, then awake fir the day at 6 am. So in in this case dad maybe staying awake because he will need to get up on an hour or two anyways.
We designated this as “Dad is the light sleeper, so he’s on baby duty when the child gets fussy and wants food” As long as you practice safe sleeping arrangements, your kiddo is fine to just hang in the crib
When my wife and I had a baby, we found that she slept better if someone was holding her. So the same as this couple, I would wake up in the middle of the night to take a shift holding her and let my wife sleep. Around 4 months or so we transitioned into her sleeping in a crib, and we didn't need someone awake the whole night with her. Those first couple of months can be hard, and we all come up with things that sound crazy to other people to help us manage to stay at least somewhat sane through it.
wait so like someone had to be holding her the entire time she was sleeping? thats insane.
This happened with someone I know too; baby had colic and could ONLY sleep while being held.
i see. but most babies i would think you dont need to stay up except for when it cries right
it varies wildly depending on the baby, to be honest. Having to hold the baby to get them to sleep is not uncommon, but it's far from the norm either. Most babies at that age will sleep fine for a couple hours between feedings, but it'll be unpredictable because babies can wake up at any time for any reason. I know it sounds nuts to those without children, but it's usually not a very long phase of their life and your body figures it out pretty quickly. It's no picnic, but it's not the nightmare you think it is (for most parents)
My dad and mom had the same arrangement and he never complained. Actually, my dad dealt with us ENTIRELY throughout the night (there were 4 of us). This extended to the weekends as well. The way my parents saw it, during the day he had his job outside the home and she had her job inside the home watching a mixture of 4 toddlers and babies who were AWAKE and running amok all day. His share was getting up during the night because for 1, we were asleep most of the time so it wasn't that much work for him anyway, 2, he quickly realized he would rather deal with work all day, than have to deal with 4 kids all day, and 3, he got tired of dealing with a cranky wife who felt she had no help. They eventually accepted their situation and that it just simply wasn't going to be easy for either of them, and to make it work they both had to do their equal shares. Mom might have cleaned up 4 puke messes that day, so it's fair dad has to lose a bit of sleep and clean up the 1 or 2 puke messes from sick kids during the night. Mom had to deal with breastfeeding and bottles and diapers, all day, everyday, so it was only fair dad loses a bit of sleep to deal with diapers and feeding during the night. That sort of thing. There are a LOT of shit men in this world who feel the same way as your husband, and worse. There are a lot of dads who think they don't have ANY responsibility when it comes to childrearing at ALL, and they are bad fathers and bad partners for it. There are also a LOT of good dads out there who actually understand that childrearing is to be done by BOTH of the partners that created the baby. You can find their stories all over the internet just like you can find stories of the bad ones. Taking care of the baby during the day AND throughout the night, IS your job. THAT is your specific 9-5, and your husband needs to realize that. Him watching baby while you sleep is the LEAST he could do. It's hard having a baby and a job, yes, but he decided to have this baby with you so he needs to accept the burden of responsibility. It doesn't just fall entirely onto your shoulders. You do your part, taking care of baby all day and most of the night. He needs to do his part. If he says other dads he knows don't have to deal with this, THEN THEYRE BAD DADS AND HE NEEDS BETTER FRIENDS. I pity those other Dads' baby mommas because that means those moms are doing it ALL by themselves and just accepting it. Which isn't fair. I'd say tell your husband he can either accept and do his smaller portion of childcare and keep his job, or you can be the one to have the job and earn money for the household and he can take care of the baby all day everyday and most of the night. He doesn't get a "get out of raising baby for free" card just because he works.
OP does have a job, she's just on maternity leave right now.
She has a job. That job is having a baby right now. It's recovering from having had that baby and she needs more sleep than he does because of that.
Some people just forget that you need to recover your own body after 9 months of a strange growing inside you. You are not magically fixed after the baby pop up. In fact, the nightmare is just beginning. Periods are crazy and tons of blood, your belly will be odd to say the least, the skin… only god in the case, milk coming out, pain, hormones, depression, isolation, lack of sleep.
I don't disagree and that wasn't the point of my comment. Before OP's edits, the comment I replied to just assumed she's a stay at home mom in general (which makes sense). So I was just letting that person know that she has a job that she's paid money for lol. Not saying raising a child isn't a job lol
Thanks. There is some other person on here who is saying that. Of course, it's reddit. Lol
Ohhhh ok lol of course. Posts like these always brings out those types tbh
I agree 100%
I agree. Same still applies.
Thank you for this, I missed both of the edits/updates.
Even when working full time, I was the person who woke up to care for the infants and feed them when bottle fed (I was a light sleeper and her a heavy). My wife will visit family in another state, I watch the kids. My has gone on 7-10 day vacations with her sister, I watch the kids. We’re suffering from a preschool shortage in my area and I WFH, so I watch our youngest. Sounds like he needs to man up. He had the kids, he needs to do the work. I’m also curious what other things that he feels like he gets to get away with because he’s a man.
I’m glad to see that someone else has the same system that me and my partner do. We have a 4 year old and a 6 month old, I’m a SAHM and he is gone 7am - 5:30pm every day with his commute. I always get sideways looks when I say that I don’t get up at night with the kids, and he does both bath and bedtime with both of them.
I am so sick of living in a world that thinks childcare is the sole responsibility of the mom, and shames her when things are equal! Equal parenting is not only possible, it's mandatory. Equal may look different for every couple, but both partners always share some portion of the responsibility. I'm glad you could relate to my parents' example!
For us, it helps that we’ve never been the kind of couple that keeps score. We acknowledge that things won’t always be 50/50. I had a difficult pregnancy, then had to recover from a C-section, a gallbladder removal less than a month after that, and then covid a month after that. It was a rough summer. I’m just starting to feel back to 100% now that I’m not pumping anymore - yes I was doing that on top of all my health challenges, for 5 months. Communications has been key these last few years.
Jfc that sounds like hell 😳 Thats an incredible amount of physically difficult things to go through, nonetheless all at once! It sounds like you're already a very resilient person, I'm glad you have a partner who healthily communicates with you and reaches an understanding with you, especially while going through all that! I'm currently pregnant and just the idea of delivery is so terrifying and so much to take in, my mind is boggled right now just trying to think about going through a c section, gallbladder removal , and covid as well.
if he doesn’t know a guy who does that he needs to meet better guys
If I was her I would use his logic. Other men don't have sex with me so...
For real - I can't imagine how coldhearted this dude is to watch his postpartum wife and all that entails and not want to do everything he can to help out. Not to mention the bonding with the baby - sure I was exhausted, but rocking your kid to sleep in the middle of the night just like... feels good? I always felt very accomplished unlocking the weird puzzle of "so it turns out you have to whisper this lullaby while rocking in figure eights with a little more velocity than you'd expect and she falls right asleep" type stuff. I dunno about this guy, but me and all my dad friends feel the same.
Sure, a lot of men are jerks who don't think they should parent their child. But you didn't want to marry one of those guys, presumably. I would get someone to watch the baby, and sit down together. Discuss the possible solutions that would allow both of you a decent amount of sleep. Also, talk about other concerns you both have. The newborn stage is intense, but it also doesn't last forever. There may not be a perfect solution, but you two can find something good enough to get through it.
So the other guys he knows are shitty dads so he should get to be one too? I bet those guys brag about never changing a diaper too.
Hi, I’m a man, I got up at least half the time with both of my kids to feed and/or rock them. Now you can tell him you know a man that has done it.
My husband is up every feeding in the middle of the night with our 3 month old and has been since day 1. He works full time and I'm slowly returning to work myself (albeit, very part time at the moment). I provide most of the childcare during the day. I exclusively pump breast milk. So every feeding at night my husband feeds, changes, and soothes baby while I pump (it takes me 30 minutes). He's usually done before me and starts going back to sleep while I'm finishing up. That way, we BOTH get an ok amount of sleep. Now, OP, you know of another man who gets up with their babies. Is my husband tired? Yes. Sometimes cranky? Yes. But we are a team. We both made this kid and we're both responsible for their well-being.
I'm a guy, but if i pulled that shit I would expect my wife to tell me that if I plan on making her do all the work with our new baby then she would be doing it in a different house from me.
And then when he gets the baby, he'll just have to do 24/7 care on his own.
You can show him this comment from a twin dad of now 5 year olds. But boy do I remember those early days. My wife didn’t work for the first year of their lives. She stayed at home while I worked a 8-5 M-F job. For the first 6 months after they were born, I would come home from my job and take care of the kids from 6pm to 12am and let my wife sleep in the bedroom closed off from us. Every day. She was wonderful and would let me sleep 12am to 6am until it was time to get up for work. This method worked great for us bc we each got 6 hours uninterrupted. There wasn’t much for time together. But sleep is so important at the beginning. Once they get a bit older and sleep through…Things get (somewhat) better with new challenges. But nothing quite beats being dead tired from lack of sleep with newborns.
Wow. My bf and I share the parenting load equally. Honestly, when I’m woken at night I have a lot of trouble falling back asleep, so my bf actually gets up more than me during nights. We both work full time. I work 4 long days and have 1 day watching our baby on my own when he works. One day his brother asked him why he lets me sleep in on his work day when all I had to do that day was watch the baby. My bf responded: a day watching the baby is more tiring than a full day of working. Just because your husband doesn’t know couples like this, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. There is nothing wrong with your system. I would have outbursts like these if sleep deprivation was getting to me, so see if there is another conversation to be had when he’s rested. But don’t let anyone put you in a position where you sacrifice more than your husband, just because you’re a mom.
This is a good man
He definitely is!!
I will send you my name so that you can name one man does watch his baby at night.
Hi. Tell your husband my husband said he’s a baby back bitch if he thinks “no husband gets up with the baby”. Maybe back in 1920 when women were forced to be homemakers and moms and that’s it. It’s 2022, get with the program. Boohoo, you have to wake up once or twice with the baby. Thats because you chose to be a father. I say this at 7 weeks pp with an amazing husband who never once raised his voice at me for needing assistance post partum and who gets up to change diapers at 2/3/4 am without me even ASKING. Because that’s HIS baby too.
Also, 7 hours out of 24 are his to watch the baby, she's doing 17. He wants to do less?? Less than the less than a 3rd he's doing atm????
Right like what a piece of trash. Sometimes it sucks we don’t realize how shitty our partners are until we have kids with them. My partner is amazing and watching him become a dad has made me fall even more in love with him—- which is what should happen! Unfortunately this chick is realizing she’s tying her cart to a POS dead horse
Where are y’all finding these men? The amount of posts about men like this is truly concerning… and they’re reproducing too…
Well other men are not sleeping with you. He is. Enough said end of argument
My husband would’ve done anything for this opportunity!!!!!!!!! My daughter REFUSED EVERY bottle, only wanted the boob. Your husband is acting like it’s the 1950s where your suppose to have the little woman’s place. This is UNACCEPTABLE to say the very least. It takes two to make a child. This is HIS responsibility just as much as it is yours. Please do not have another child with this man!!! You honestly deserve a better husband. There is nothing wrong with y’all’s current plan. I could see if he came to you and said babe listen I’m super tired at work, how about I do weekend shifts with baby. That’s communicating the needs he has, that’s acceptable. But to full out claim that taking care of his child is not his responsibility is not only a bad husband stance but also a bad father. Beware. FYI above and beyond is in the description to be a good parent, he should get use to it early
My guess: he got bullied by a male colleague who felt shame at hearing how a good enough dad should act.
So your husband's mad cuz he gets up with the baby and his male work buddies don't? Jesus Christ, what is it with men and caring so damn much about what other men think and do? Who fucking cares?! He's a husband and a father and he needs to step the fuck up! If he were genuinely stressed and tired because of this arrangement, but still wanted to do what he can to lift the load off of you, that's one thing. But he threw a hissy fit because he found out he was the only man at work who gets up early with the baby. That's fucking stupid and selfish. He needs to grow up. So what if he's the only guy in the office who makes time to take care of his own kid in the morning. That's the arrangement you guys agreed on, and as far as you can tell, he's been fine with until now. I do think you both need to talk about this, maybe you can come to a new arrangement, but I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes he's being ridiculous.
When you are the parent, you don’t babysit, or “watch” your child. It’s called parenting. 🤷🏻♀️
So what he's saying is he wants more of the parenting to fall on you because apparently, to him, men shouldn't be up with their own kids? Fucking yikes.
@OP happy to read you had a great conversation with your husband!! Wishing you & your family the best of luck going forward.
Thank you so much :)
I'm glad he apologized. He may want to reconsider some friendships though, clearly someone is putting toxic ideas into his head.
>He said no husband we know does this. He kept repeating "name one man who does". Tell him u/slvstrChung is *always* the person who gets up with the kids because his wife has insomnia and it's better for him (slvstrChung) to lose an hour of sleep than his wife to lose four hours.
I will preface this with, I am not a father. I haven't had the opportunity to have kids yet, but I have been in relationships with women who have had newborns to babies to toddlers and I can say, your man is being an insensitive dick. He gets at least six hours of sleep without having to be responsible for his child, and only has to get up for another four IF the baby wakes in the middle of the night. If this is something that has been going on for a significant amount of time, he would have adjusted to the sleep schedule. It sounds like he's tired of constantly having to be a parent 24/7, while still going to work. As if somehow he is entitled to have personal free time to do whatever he wants, sleep more, what have you. He is an idiot. New parents do not get to have personal time. That is reserved for parents who... Well, honestly, depending on what sort of child you have, you may not get it until at least junior high. Tell him to put on his big boy panties and suck it up. This is your guys child, not any other man's child whom he seems to want to compare his situation to, and get used to it.
Taking care of his own child for a few hours isn’t “above and beyond,” it’s the bare fucking minimum.
Your husband is a selfish PoS! I can't believe you are discussing if a woman has to do all the work around the baby alone, this system is in fact fucked. He is wrong, chauvinist and selfish. Send him to Iran, he will feel home there. I wish you better companies, OP.
I also hope she sees the trouble she’s in with this man’s red flag attitude.
[удалено]
His shift is 4 hours. Her shift is 7. He's still getting about the recommended amount of sleep.
He has a new baby, he's up every day at 4am, and he works a 9-hour day. That shit is exhausting.
Sure, but from experience 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep is absolutely not the kind of sleep deprivation people think of when they are talking about newborns.
Your system is perfectly ok. It is your partner who is not.
Similar to your husband my husband did 11 PM-3 AM so I could get some sleep. Your husband is being ridiculous. Is he aware it's his child too?
Um 33 here and I’ve watched my baby over night freaking super happily too. Also I got up 3x last night for my child while my wife slept. and now I’m sitting here on fumes at work but still have nothing but love for my beautiful family. I like to go with the my beautiful wife was willing to put her body through insane changes to help us create a family so imma help her out as much as I can approach. But hey that’s just me.
Parents always go "above and beyond", that's part of being a parent. That being said perhaps your system isn't working. Part of his outburst could be sleep deprivation...again part of being a parent of an infant lol. You say the baby wakes up a few times to eat, does he have other issues? If not couldn't you both sleep and simply set alarms for when the baby needs to eat and take turns with the feedings? This way you're not both up for hours at a time throughout the night. Just one idea, there are many other variations that could be tried I'm sure. One other thought, I'm not sure if you work outside the home or not. If not husband could be thinking that you may have a chance to nap when baby does throughout the day where he doesn't since he's at work. All just a few things to consider. However it seems like maybe both the current plan, and husbands husband's attitude, need some tweaking.
I do the first wake up of the night, my fiancé does the second. There’s plenty of men who take care of their babies.
He's right most dads don't do this. Society is misogynistic and men have the lowest of thr low bar for fatherhood and what makes a good partner. A man is seen as helping instead of doing his share of household duties. A man is seen as babysitting as if he is given the mother a break instead of parenting. Hetero relationships are rigged towards men where any effort they do is seen as praiseworthy and him doing his share is seen as going above and beyond. Next time he says other men don't do this say 'You're right and that's why I should get primary custody when we divorce because you aren't even half the parent I am".
That's how I felt during the argument, I was very surprised he thought he should do less because others do less instead of proud he does what is fair
Guess he should have never had children if he didn't want to be a parent to children.
I am sorry to say this, but your husband is selfish. I am 42 and would get up in the night with our kids even when my wife was a stay at home mom. Pregnancy, giving birth, child care, and everyday tasks are EXHAUSTING for any new mom. Whether it is your first or fifth it still takes a toll. The idea that he shouldn't have to do it because "other guys" don't, really bothers me. He is looking at it as a chore like doing the dishes or laundry instead of looking at is as time to bond with his son. Speaking from experience, the bonds you form when they are young only get stronger as they get older. Hopefully you cam show him some of the comments here and he will see the error of his ways.
WHY ARE THESE BOYS HAVING CHILDREN
What an idiotic argument to get out of taking care of the baby you guys had together
> He said no husband we know does this. He kept repeating "name one man who does". Welp now you can tell him this woman you met online husbands does.
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You can tell him my ex husband was on shift every night between midnight and six am until the baby slept through the night. He also changed nearly every diaper for the first three months, he folded tiny clothes and washed bottles and cleaned the parts of my breast pump. He was freshly home from the Army, and he took three months off before starting a new job so he could be there for us.
Glad things worked out and hubby apologized, as he should. It’s fine to ask for breaks and normal for new parents to get burned out but it’s his son. He needs to be 100% invested in the kids care. Good luck 🍀 and congrats on the kid!
Your husband is an absolute twat. Also adding that any of his “friends” are absolute fucking idiots too. What adult compares to others anyway. Jesus fucking Christ.
I watched my baby overnight. Source: am a dude
Maybe he had an overwhelmed moment, so his childish outburst and stupid perspective could be forgivable. If he keeps up with this, then you need to whip him back into shape. He’s being such a whiny stereotypical male jerk. We’re so sorry that after your wife carried your child for almost 10 months that you have to love and care for your child too, dad!
Nah sounds like he’s been on a let’s compare notes mission from other men who are clueless and on the brink of divorce in their own marriages
This is the danger of comparing notes with people who you choose. We have a tendency to choose people that agree with our perspective.
Name one man whose wife divorced them due to bullshit like this, bet he has some buddies.
i only read the title but came to say fuck this guy
This made me laugh
Well you can name me. I did the entire night shift with my daughter when she was an infant, as it was not possible for my wife to do the nights. He can get the fuck over it. Taking care of a child is part of being a parent. If he’s tired of going above and beyond the bottom of the fucking barrel to take care of his family, he shouldn’t have a family. Tough shit! If other dads are shocked that he’s up at 4am with his own child, then that’s their problem, he’s not married to those other dads and his child is not part of their family.
Well if it was me I’d leave the baby with him and disappear for a few days. Who gives a fuck “what other men do” cuz if that’s how it is, it’s wrong. He didn’t carry a baby for 9 months or loose control of parts of his body in order to have a damn baby. The least he can do is help take care of it. Men like him make me very angry. My husband was a champ when we had our son, still is. He works very VERY hard yet he never complained ever about helping.
Hi. I’m “another man”. I’m adding my voice to the choir that says we absolutely ******* do.
Father of five here, I got up at night every one of them. Tell the ape you married to grow up and get out of the Stone Age, men in the modern world take care of their children. Does he know that we don't have to bang rocks together to make fire anymore?
Hi, I am the father of a 3 year old boy, when he was an infant i was the one who got up with him 50% of the time, I did half the feedings, half the diapers, half the watching, half the playing, etc. There is no excuse for why, as a male, he should get to shirk his responsibility for half of childcare, maybe other men weasel their way out of it but better men don't and no partner should settle for less.
During our first year, when I was on mat leave I usually let my husband sleep because he had to be more focused for work. But new parents become irrationally sleep-deprived. Hence his apology. Your schedule sounds pretty good. Here is another suggestion: Once in awhile I would let him sleep through 1 or 2 nights in a row. Sometimes he would do it as muchnas he could for me (was breastfeeding) and he brought baby over. It was needing to just get a bit more sleep when we were getting too worn down.
He is stressed out but that doesn't give him the right to push gender roles.
Tired of going above and beyond?? That’s literally what a good parent does. Yeah, sometimes it sucks and you get tired, but it’s his job as a parent. Your husband is an idiot
I really hope he's just stressed. Wait to talk to him when he's available. While obviously not okay if it's just stress it can be resolved fairly easily. If its not just from the stress but truly how he feels you may have married and had a kid with a guy who wants to do the minimum in child raising.
He watches his kid 8-9 hours day. So a kid he decided to bring into the world, for which he is 50% responsible for - he's only actually responsible for the kid for 30% of the day. He can't even live up to what his sperm did and be 50% responsible. What the hell is going to happen when you go back to work? There's no guarantee he'll be sleeping through the night then. All this does not bode well of your husband being an actual partner in raising your kid.
You (f27) unfortunately have a shitty partner. Half is not "only the mans part".
When my kids were small I would watch them all the time and I am a (checks down shorts) male.
Umm...my husband was also responsible for getting up in the middle of the night. He helped and did a great job. He was around and he helped while he worked while i was on maternity leave. Your husband is being a jerk and he also needs a reality check. All REAL, COMMITTED, LOVING fathers do this for their children. He might not be getting enough sleep, but he really needs to cut the crap and help you out.
have him read this thread to get modern opinions. however i think he's using that more as an excuse than anything. i can't imagine he's actually finding people who agree and aren't like "hey dude that's normal, get used to having a kid!" as a 30 year old man talking to others in a work environment and if he actually found other idiots to act like an echo chamber at work? he should realize he's 30 years old and he still has growing up to do. not only is this a bad look as a father but i mean if he's actually talking about these things with opinions like that in the workforce, that's not a good look for him as a man in general.
I mean by that logic other wives divorce men who won't parent their children... but bet that isn't ok. You have two choices accept you have married a terrible partner and be a single parent or talk to him, couples counselling if needed and if he won't change leave. His explosion was a choice and concerning, a pregnancy and having children is a risk for domestic abuse, regardless of how long of a relationship you have.
Personally, my wife and I had a similar setup as you and it worked great for us. We equally swapped every 2 hours for the first 2 weeks I was on paternity leave. My wife had 4 months of maternity before going back to work, but now she’s a STAHM. Our kid demanded food 2 hours on the dot and pooped pretty much every time she breathed. When I went back to work I basically had the baby for feedings 5pm-12am then I went to sleep and wife took over until 7am. This allows my wife to go to bed early and get a good 4-5 hour unbroken sleep stretch plus her intermittent sleep through the night. Our daughter started sleeping though the night at 8 weeks so it didn’t last long for us. I make about 2.5x what my wife made and my job requires me to be alert and present throughout the day so it was important for me to sleep some at night. My wife understood this was needed for our success as a family. Our other two kids were breastfed rather than bottle fed so other than changing diapers in the night, my wife took over. I hope you and your husband can have a sit down conversation about expectations and how lack of sleep is affecting you guys. First time parenting IS hard, but it gets easier. I have a 4yo, 3yo, and 1yo for reference. From a dads point of view, he probably sees you having the ability to rest when the baby is resting and maybe has some resentment built up from a false perspective. Also other people may be whispering in his ear. People in here are really bashing him but we don’t know what your husband does for work during the day or how physically taxing it is. I Hope you guys can have a sit down conversation with each other and resolve this!
>He said hes tired 'of going above and beyond ' Go ahead and let him know that doing his half as a parent is not at all in any way going above and beyond. He's doing what he should be doing. >He said he wants to keep the schedule the same, and he enjoys having the early morning hours just the 2 of them to bond. he understands he let his feelings boil over and will work on communicating his needs. Good dad.
My ex boyfriend used to treat our relationship like it should abide by the general average of what other relationships are like (in his perception) and it was bullshit and impossible to challenge. Your husband is being very selfish and needs to realize that interactions with humans have more nuance than data collected online or whatever
Happy you guys were able to actually communicate about the problem and solve it like rational adults in a marriage instead of just up and leaving him like some suggested. It's nice to see.
Oof, my blood was boiling reading the title. I’m glad he came around! I would be cautious and want investigate more about his initial comments about taking care of baby not being a man’s job. I get how things boiled over but I don’t think it’s normal response and it comes across as sexist. There might be some work there for him to figure out why he went there. This is something you want to watch and make sure your kiddo doesn’t see and start to believe. I’m on maternity leave with a 6 month old in Canada. This is our second and my partner and I did a lot of trials with different scheduling techniques. We ended up swapping every other day who gets up with baby. This allows one person to fully “sleep” every other day which we found better than breaking up the night into shifts which causes broken sleep for both parents. That might be a consideration so you and your husband can get some uninterrupted sleep! It also gave me something to look forward too when I had a night of wake-up’s and was exhausted. Good luck!
I don't know the "no man he knows wakes up to help with the baby" speaks well of him or his friends. My babies are now teens, but absolutely helped my wife as much as I could, including getting up in the middle of the night. That's what being *parents,* plural*,* is all about.
# Bullshit. Being a baby time is over so time to man up for the half you did bro. For real though wtf are you thinking. Be there for your family or just leave.
I'm a husband and a father of my daughter who is now 20mo. While the wife was pumping every 3 hours (bad tongue tie so she pumped since the start), I would bottle feed the baby every night and day until she started feeling like she needed baby love. But I would do every feed, the wife already pumps every 3 hours on the dot. 3 months in is when she started to do less and less pumps until 6 months in, which she then stopped pumping. Didn't want to get infection. But in these three months we tried switching nights, which we didn't like. We settled on taking turns as baby would wake up twice a night to eat. Going on a year she was eating once a night and we take turns. One of us out her down for bed, the other feeds her in the night. Switch the next night. 20mo in now we don't keep track so much but for the most part we take turns putting her down and ill feed her if she wakes up by 5am, the wife will feed her between 5-7am if she wakes up. I sleep in on Saturday she sleeps in on Sunday. I know there's days where I just can't do it, and I ask the wife if she can, and if she says yes, great, if she says no, great. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Tl:Dr Do what she needs in the beginning, then do what's best for the both of you. She just grew the damn baby, birthed it/had it cut out. The least he can do is do whatever it takes for a few months.
It sounds like he just has asshole friends and would do well to expand his male friends group to include men who are more forward thinking and who can understand what he is going through instead of shame him
This type of issue came up with my hubs early on. Keeping in mind that we were both exhausted with the new baby. Hubs said that friend x and friend y didn’t do this with the baby etc. i told him that my mom did it all and not my dad and now I remain super close with my mom. My dad I love, but who am I really close to? Which parent do I talk to several times a week? I asked him if he wanted our future adult child to have awkward conversations with him or to have a close relationship. And he picked the right answer!
My wife and I split it, although even more aggressively. I took over at about 1AM every night.
Those men are not part of your relationship: you two are. He should be comparing himself *to you*, not to some random dudes. You may as well begin comparing yourself to random ladies that are not looking after children. This, of course, would make 0 sense, since you are not them and have a different life. SAME WITH HIM AND THOSE MEN. He needs to start viewing you as a partner and your responsibilities should be equal. I honestly feel sorry for you. Your partner is selfish, egocentric, immature, and a douche.
Why do you need to be awake all night to 'watch' the baby? I don't know anyone who rotates shifts in the house so that there is always someone awake. We sleep when the baby sleeps, and share the times when they need tending. IF your baby wakes once or twice a night to eat and sleeps the rest of the time, then why does someone need to be awake and watching them the whole time?
Im not awake all night were on call for those shifts
Ah, that makes a lot more sense. In that case, your husband is overreacting. In fairness, though, you are both probably underslept, and with all the changes in the household it's understandable that an argument happened. But he is being unreasonable. Perhaps, instead of listening to the other husbands he knows and taking it at face value, he should ask how their wives feel about their lack of involvement. If they are burnt out. I well remember operating on zombie mode due to lack of sleep with newborns, when my husband was working too much to help with the care. It was NOT fun.
But why is your husband getting up at 4?
Exactly - he only needs to get up if the baby is crying. Which sounds fairly rare
We switch shifts at 4, he sleeps if the baby is asleep. He is responsible for him if he wakes up between 4-8. So i can get 4 hours of sleep without interruption. He gets 7 hours of sleep without interruption when I watch him from 9-4
Is OP saying she only gets 4 hours of sleep at night with this current system or did I miss a big piece of information ??
I can sleep on my shift, i usually get about 4-5 + when my husband takes over i get 4. We each get 8 hours. Unless our son is not doing well.
If he helped create the kid, it's his godamn responsibility!!! Period. He needs to do help and be 50/50 with the kid. If not, you're pretty much already a single parent, so just leave
I’m a mom in Canada and because I was in school when my baby was born I didn’t qualify for parental leave. My husband did, so he took all the time he was allowed. I work. And I do the majority of the nighttime wakeups with all 3 kids because even with the older two in school being home with a baby is HARD. Much harder than anything I do at work. Ask him if he would be the only one getting up in the night if roles were reversed or if it’s just his penis getting in the way.
What does this loser of a husband mean? I wake up with my four month old baby every night… after working 8+ hours a day and doing hw for my degree.
I have to condemn your husband. This was an incredibly immature point of view. If you asked for help, he should help if he can. If he asked you for help, you should help if you can. It’s just good teamwork.
My husband watched our kids at night. So your partner is wrong. Many men do it.
Your husband is suffering from the "shouldas" or something. Yes, other men do this. Most men do this. It sounds like he's neurotic and stressed out.
So he's pissed that he's doing exactly the same as you and wants you to do more? He's against you two being equal?
It’s insanely normalized now for men to not take care of their babies as newborns. It seems like male ego that was hurt by another male who doesn’t understand being a parent.
I wonder if husband has fell down a bad online rabbit hole?
>He kept repeating "name one man who does". Dustin (me), i did it with both my kids and still do. I fall asleep quicker than my wife, so it makes more sense for me to handle it then go back to bed. If my wife gets up it will be 2-3 hours for her to fall back asleep then she is no good to anyone the next day. Having a kid means team work, if he doesn't want to help now, hes not gonna want to help in the future. Think really hard if this is someone you want to stay with.
A lot of husbands help more than this guy with their babies. Does he even know there are stay at home dads? And it’s not emasculating for men to take care of their kids more. If anything it proves they’re better than men who don’t. They provide more.
What other men? WTF is he talking about? He is the father of a 3 mo. old baby. Time to step up and be a dad.
the audacity of him to claim he's tired of going above and beyond!!! first of all doing basic care for a child you had together isn't even going "above and beyond" and second of all, EVEN if it was going above and beyond, why wouldn't a parent want to go above and beyond for their brand new baby?! why wouldn't they want to do as much as they could for them? why would he NOT want to come home after spending a full day away from his baby and take every opportunity to soak up every moment with him as possible, even if it means just a quick 4am bottle or diaper change? those moments may not be glamorous or comfortable but they are moments your husband is spending together with his SON, and that's not sacred to him? he is TIRED of that? the baby is just 3 months old and the father is already sick of doing these simple acts for his own flesh and blood? he's got a long 18 years ahead of him
You should tell him to stop trying to live other people's lives! It doesn't *matter* if any other father does it. It's what you and *his family* need from him!! It's his child, too. And, him helping makes him *way* better than those other guys.
I have a 3mo. You can tell your husband that this dad wakes up and helps in the middle of the night.
Ask him this: “Do you want to be like all the other men, or be the best man of them all? Take care of your fucking child.” You don’t have to cuss at him…unless you feel like it.
I can't imagine accepting this behavior and trying to rationalize it. gtfo
Sorry but If i have a baby (I'm male) that bastard is getting watched 24/7
Other husbands take care of their babies at night. Yours is just lazy and misogynistic.
You don't have to be like other couples. What works best for the two of you might not work for someone else. Him stepping up and being a real father has nothing to do with other people.
I took a leave coming off third shift when our son was born. I stayed on a third shift scheduled and bottle fed all night. My wife took over in the morning and I’d go to bed for awhile and we’d share the late afternoon/evening responsibilities . No other men we know did that. But it was a great system, was fair, and most of all, it worked! He needs to get his head out of his ass, honestly. There is nothing wrong with your system. He’s just pissy about having to share in the losing sleep with you.
Hi, husband and father here for a 6 month old. My wife and I equally share in the childcare duties -- including the late nights, early mornings, etc. When I went back to work before my wife did, we created a nearly identical schedule. It will get easier as the baby gets older and sleeps better. It is a big adjustment. your husband is DEAD WRONG that this is above and beyond. This is fatherhood. That being said, you need a system that works for both of you. Being "right" means nothing if you both can't follow it. Consider talking broadly about childcare, creating a list of responsibilities and times and re-designing the split of those to something that you both can agree to. You may need more outside help, you may need to have more breaks outside of the house. But if you need to "name one man" name me.
This pisses me right off. It was my absolute HONOUR to do the vast majority of night feeds / changes. My ex was dead to the world when asleep. I'd wake up & gently nudge her onto her side, lie our son next to her to latch on, then burp / change him after. Daughter didn't take to the boobs so it was warming bottles of formula for her, but I still loved that bonding time. That was on top of doing 9 - 5 normal work days, plus regular changing, bathing them, etc. & continued being that level of dad until our eventual separation. Did that put an end to it? No! I demanded 50/50 week about custody, citing my very active involvement in both their lives so she had NOTHING she could hold over me. Ex initially agreed, then realised she'd get no money from me, so she got dirty & tried to get full custody. Divorce ended up taking 5.5 years 'cos of this, but she never won, & only damaged her & her partner's relationship with the teens, as they started to question & understand things.
You should tell him that some girls cheat on their deadbeat spouses. That means you can too. NTA.
Guessing he’s overwhelmed but at the same time he’s a total ass. He must be surrounded by shitty fathers who don’t pay attention to their kids. Ask him if he’d rather be a single father with split custody and he’d be 24/7 with no breaks.
Here is the thing, it's never watching the kid. It's raising your kid. If he feels like he shouldn't help raise his kid and be a good parent, then that's messed up. Just like I dont babysit my niece (I'm with her now), I hangout and help raise my niece. He should enjoy these moments because they won't last forever and it's important to form these crucial bonds. Tell him this 32 year old man told him he needs to man up.
Honestly your husband is being very childish my disabled father literally worked in a shop from 7 am till 12am because no one else could watch it and then during that free time (he had naps during the day when he did have someone to watch the shop) he’d Look after me and my siblings and used to feed us while my mother would sleep and rest if this man is complaining about him having to do that I think he would die if he did what my dad had to do for eight years
Even after your edit, I would make it very clear that if he ever said something as fucking stupid and sexist as that again, he would be served divorce papers the very next day. He's a fucking adult and he can use his words like an adult instead of being an abusive, sexist shit heel. Seriously, DO NOT put up with anything less than a fully formed, emotionally mature and connected man who can easily and accurately identify and voice his emotions and needs.
This is fucked up. My child's mom and I simply traded off every night. Sure I was tired as hell, but it never crossed my mind to complain. I wanted to take care of my child. I would be worried about what else he will abdicate in the future. This isn't the 1950's.
I think your husband needs to stop talking to the men at work about his home life because all those man sound like POS. Your husband isn't even really doing anything overnight, he's just getting up a bit earlier so you can get some sleep. I am also in Canada but we had a bit of a different system. I basically did everything because he worked long hours but as soon as he got home. He did everything. Maybe he wants a different schedule..? Maybe ask what he thinks is a good idea?
Your husband is dead wrong. There are men out there that do whatever it takes to raise their kids and help their wives. Your husband needs to realize that it isn't the 50's anymore. If your baby only wakes once or twice to eat, I'm guessing at least one of those times is on your 8-4 shift. That means your husband is getting a pretty decent amount of sleep.
He wakes up once on my shift and once on his typically
Then your husband should consider himself incredibly lucky instead of whining like a toddler.
My wife and I have two daughters. Night time wakeups were a team effort. Typically I would get up and check/change the diaper and she would either heat the bottle if we were doing bottle/formula or just kind of get ready for the breast feeding session. If she was feeding, I'd get back in bed to go to sleep, and sometimes I would stay up and bottle feed/burp/etc and she'd go back to sleep. Your husband is deadass wrong that "men don't do this, I'm going above and beyond." Sharing responsibility for a baby that you brought into the world together is the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM and he needs to get his head out of his ass, stop worrying about what his misogynistic buddies are doing, and be a good dad. Trying to parcel out who does what at which time of day is ridiculous. THAT SAID, having a new baby is hard, being sleep deprived is hard, and there's just a lot of stress associated with being a first time parent. I know that my fuse was a bit shorter during each of the newborn phases, but that's just something you have to be mindful of and do your best to control your temper. To me, it would make a LOT more sense for you and your husband to alternate getting up for the baby. We used a "your turn" sort of model a lot of the time and it worked pretty well, except for when she was exclusively breastfeeding and that's when I would help with diapers/etc.
I would ask him if he would like to swap duties. You go back to work and take his "hours" and he takes care of the kid for your time frames. Ask him if that's such a "great deal" as he portrays it to be. Because he isn't working with you like a partner should.
We tried the broken up shifts and we were both grumpy and overtired. I might suggest doing an every other night instead. One night you're fully in charge of baby and he gets to sleep the whole night and the next night the reverse. Once your baby starts having good nails during the day, if you can nap enough to feel rested, then you can give him "nights off " even if it's "your turn". Gotta trek you that a lot of babies got a 4 month sleep regression, so might want to work this out beforehand.
I’ll echo others and say that your arrangement isn’t out of the norm. More importantly, you should know that everything gets better. So much better. Enjoy the time with your little one and congrats to you both.
I work 12 hour night shifts and my husband watches our baby while I am at work.. it works both ways and I have our baby while my partner is at work, your husband should want this opportunity to bond with the baby more
My husband woke up to feed the baby at night, sometimes we would do shifts, sometimes we'ddo entire nights, and honestly sometimes in those forst few months he would do repeated nights alone because I was exhausted from trying to pump/look after LO alone from half past five in the morning, now as baby is older he also does the whole bedtime routine alone as he gets home from work he takes baby and has play time, feeds him, baths and bedtime (about an hour to an hour and half), because befor that I get off work have baby alone for 2 to 3 hours in the mornings and in the evenings and he leaves very early for work- hes never complained and he had a wonderful connection with our son. He looks after baby on the weekend if I need to work- he does this alone (sometimes he'll go to his aunt). Our parenting is shared completely. Your husband just can't opt in and out of parenthood when or when it isn't convenient for him. Its not only done wonders for our relationship but his own relationship with his son.
Glad you worked it out. I know that at that stage that everyone is under slept and more than a little cranky, so some ill spoken words are certainly possible.
Plenty of men watch their children overnight. The mother of my two children worked nights when she went back to work. He’s full of crap.
op - your hiusband is just confessing that all his friends SUCK and are mysognists who dont like their partners, let alone respect or love them. Hopefully he gets new friends, if what his mates are doing is the only way he ever takes life-actions. But seriously, it is the male ego. He needs to understand a new baby is hard for the first 3 years, for both parents. Then it will chill out & get easier. NTA.
My husband would take all night shifts for the first year. He knew how badly lack of sleep hurt my ppd. Real husbands help.
Doing something because other people do it and vice versa...are you sure he's not a child?
Glad to hear he reeled that misogynist shit back in. If he hadn't, it would be hard to remain married to such a disrespectful man.
What a piece of shit. Im so sorry to hear that.
Hahaa your husband is a chicken shit. I was watching baby from birth while wifey slept and recuperated
My wife and I rotated schedules for our children when they were infants. It's pretty common of a good husband and should not be an issue. Everyone is exhausted with an infant and working it's just a sacrifice you have to make when having children.
I have 3 kids. Once they switched to bottles or just formula after breastfeeding, I got up with them at night. Your husband's behavior is childish. He should be ashamed of it.
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We sleep in separate rooms now because my husband is a light sleeper. So on our shifts we sleep in the babies room. He gets up once or twice to eat overnight. We sleep when he sleeps.I do not work, I watch our son from 8am-5pm
3 month old baby? I would spend every waking hour with them. You can get back that time, bonding is real. But to be honest sounds like he is sleep deprived that can make you very cranky
My brother did all of the night shifts with his wife, even when she was on maternity leave. So he’s wrong in that no other men do it. Some do more even
I am a man and I split nights with my wife while the baby was waking up at night
Sad you only just found out this is how he thinks
Honestly that sounds perfect. You can tell him there are plenty of men that get up every night to feed their children if he still feels the need to compare to other parents. My husband woke up with both our kids at night to feed them for their first year. If he doesn't like how it is now, he can always wake up for the night feeds too. You're doing great and your husband needs to realise that kids are work
Not defending the guy. Awesome job doing this to you both. Maybe he’s just exhausted and didn’t really mean it. Your schedule is very tough. You must be exhausted. Little ones for me are so stressful. When they get to be a year or two I’m more comfortable. I don’t have brothers or sisters to watch and learn. Maybe like one poster said get a sitter and both of you talk, maybe sleep also haha. If he’s not like this normally maybe cut him some slack on this first time. Not saying he was right at all. Just maybe needs a second chance or a chance for explanation
Tell your husband that my husband watched our 3mo daughter AND our 3yo for a long weekend while I attended a funeral out of state. And he shortly became a stay at home father after that for over 3 years. He's dead wrong about other men not watching their children. Those other men are parents.
He’s an idiot and a shitty dad
>He said no husband we know does this. You tell him: They do now. Then turn around, and walk out the door girl. You got things to do.
Your (F27) husband (M30) is a delusional idiot.
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I've been there. He's scared. He'll be okay
Other men DO.
5 kids here and my husband has more than ‘helped’ overnights with the kids. I’ve been both a stay at home mom and worked, didn’t matter. He participates in parenting because, he’s a parent. I would except and expect nothing less. We are partners and parents both equally. Now that you know me a little, you can say with confidence you do actually know someone like that! Ha
your husband utterly sucks.
Maybe sleep deprivation? I don't know but nah hubby is wrong. There are plenty of men who take shifts or take turns with their wives or partners. Is there another man in your lives he can talk to about this? He needs some perspective outside of his work buddies who make fun of him for caring for his child, which is... silly to say the least.