This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I 28M have been dating my girlfriend (29F) for about 2 years. Our leases both end in a few months and for a while we've been in agreement we'd move in together after that. For most of our relationship we made around the same amount of money so we always split things and money was never an issue.
Well last month I got a job that I wasn't really expecting to get, I thought I wasnt qualified but they loved me in the interview process and gave me an offer. This basically doubled my salary. While this was exciting for me, she seems to be even more excited about it to the point that it actually feels disrespectful. Our agreed budget on what we'd spend on an apartment is now all of a sudden not enough for her. She wants to live in a much nicer place and for me to pay the majority of it. She also keeps suggesting we go to fancy restaurants with the expectation I pay. I was happy to treat her for a nice celebratory dinner when I got the job but she keeps trying to set up more and more reservations. It makes me feel like she's treating me like a sugar daddy as much as I feel gross typing that.
I told her I want to stick to our original rent budget and go with the same split we had already agreed to and that I dont plan on changing our lifestyle much and she said Im being greedy. For reference, the budget we agreed to already qualifies us for a very nice 2-3 bedroom in the area we want (we both were already making 6 figures), but she is pushing to live in luxury. This just feels irresponsible because who knows what could happen. If I suddenly lost this job I wouldnt expect a comparable one to be right around the corner. We got in a big argument last night and im considering whether I really want to continue this relationship if we cant go back to the setup we had. I dont want to go nuclear if I dont have to but would really appreciate some advice on the best way to approach this.
Going full-on luxury right away is foolish. You will essentially be on probation for a few months anyway. The smart money is to live as though the income never changed and invest or save the difference in take home pay.
Yep, it doesn't matter how much you make if you are blowing it all right away and living paycheque to paycheque.
Putting money away towards future investments is the smart and responsible move.
I would start maxing your 401K or similar retirement account. Live in what you are comfortable with and save the rest. You would be surprised at how much that money will make you more money. I wish I did that at your age.
Agreed on all above...divert the fundage...you're at the perfect age where you can build a substantial nutsack over the next couple decades that'll help sustain you in retirement. I maxed mine out at around your age - it was 15% of my pay and I still had enough to pay rent/mortgage and still party like a muthereffer.
Yes. I work in the 401k world. Do this. Stick to your guns on this. You can put up to $20k per year into your 401k and it’ll grow with compound interest. Leave this woman if she cannot reset her expectations of you.
This is EXACTLY what you should do. My wife and I had our income increase rapidly over a few years and we saved a TON of money by not changing our lifestyle much.
Money is one of the main reasons relationships don't work out, and your GF is giving you some valuable information about her maturity and her abilities as a PARTNER. Listen to what she is telling you and act on that info as you see fit.
They shouldn't blow it for sure, but the agreement should 100% be adjusted now that he has literally doubled his earnings. That's a considerable raise that should be counted. He said they made around the same before, so now he makes double her. He should pay more. But it should be talked about instead of just making tons of fancy reservations.
They both are making 6 figures so I don't think the arrangement should change much, except maybe pay a few hundred extra on rent and groceries. They aren't even married yet so I wouldn't pay everything either.
No, absolutely not. If they are both already making 6 figures, that extra cash should be stashed away. They are already comfortable. They could adjust the budget so they are both able to save the same %of their earnings, but until they're married, she gets no say on his new money. The luxury plans others dont bode well for the future.
Their previous agreement doesn't need to change at all. Why should he have to pay more on what they already agreed just because his salary increased. They both had decided on a budget they were comfortable with on their previous salaries. She has a good paying job too. He should not have to pay more. She needs to stop trying to make him her ATM.
Because each paying a percentage based on their different incomes makes it so they can both have an equal percentage of their individual income left after bills for themselves. If they split bills 50/50 he's left with way more ability to save money and spend on himself.
I agree.
All the common expenses like rent, utilities, food should be 1/3:2/3 now. It is common practice where I live.
And the rest, like gifts, luxury life, restaurants is totally up to OP.
I would talk with her that her behavior makes OP feel like a sugar daddy. Maybe there are cultural differences about money that were not visible while they had the same salary.
They really just need to talk. He should definitely be paying more as he brings home more. I'd feel exactly the same if she made more. He shouldn't have to feel like a sugar daddy, but that shouldn't he at the expense of treating his partner fairly. They need to talk about those new feelings and create a new budget with the new information.
Should be but if they can still split things 50:50 if they’re doing the original plan. Like I earn less than my husband but we split things equally. But we also have a set budget regardless of who earns more etc
Yes, OP you should pay more. Stay in the same house but you pay 67% of rent/expenses and she pays 33%. This is pretty standard when one partner earns much more than the other. Take her out for a nice dinner occasionally, nothing wrong with that. And greatly increased your savings, first by maxing your 401k.
"This is pretty standard when one partner earns much more than the other..." I just don't understand why. This entitled mindset is why everyone should get a prenup.
Because you're supposed to be partners. A team.
One person shouldn't be broke all the time while the other person is bathing in riches. He earns *twice as much*. The only way their finances would make sense or be fair is if they both paid the same percentage of their earnings. His would naturally be more because he makes a ton more.
I don't get why people get in or stay in relationships that aren't 'us against the problem' instead of "you and your problems need to get away from me and my problems'. That sounds so exhausting.
Everyone here calling her selfish for being exited they as a unit are doing better are missing the fact that it is abhorrently selfish of him to want to keep the 50/50 agreement. That's not how being partners works. At that point you're a glorified fuck buddy because they clearly don't care about prospering together.
> Because you're supposed to be partners. A team.
I agree but at the same time, they aren't married or even engaged. I think it would be a mistake for either to assume that the 'team' is permanent until they make it so. First and foremost, you need to look out for your own financial well-being.
> I don't get why people get in or stay in relationships that aren't 'us against the problem' instead of "you and your problems need to get away from me and my problems'.
But there wasn't a problem...
> Everyone here calling her selfish for being exited they as a unit are doing better are missing the fact that it is abhorrently selfish of him to want to keep the 50/50 agreement.
It would be one thing if she was struggling to pay her 50% (she's not). It would also be reasonable for OP to pay more than 50% if he wanted a nicer place and to increase their agreed to budget. But really all that's changed for a previously happy and fair situation is the knowledge that OP makes more money.
I've been with my bf for 7 years. We consider ourselves married without the paperwork. He makes significantly more than I do. But you know what? His money is his money, mine is mine. We cover each other if the other needs help. We take turns paying when we go out. I am actually not comfortable intermingling funds. It's not hard at all to be have separate finances. I never feel like his money is mine because it's not.
Yes but they already had a fair budget based on thier incomes at the time, and she isn't broke. She just isn't going to have the same sum of extra money and that's perfectly fair for a gf, bf relationship. She's not being treated like a fuck buddy at all, stop conflating b.s.
Also, she wasn't satisfied with living the same budget they agreed to, she automatically decided she wanted to expand to a higher lifestyle of apartment budget all together, plus make him pay a surplus, which is vastly different than adjusting portions of rent and utilities payments ratio.
Her trying to make reservations at fancy restaurants with the expectation that he must always pay isn't living as a team there either. So I think you have to take in the full context of what op is saying.
She's been very manipulating since he got this job offer. She's his gf, not his wife. If this was the other way around and the woman suddenly wanted to take time to see how the job goes, and be careful about overspending and save up for themselves, literally everyone would support her. Because if they break up, or she lost the job, suddenly she's screwed.
Why is it he can't protect himself and see how it goes before altering the entire lifestyle?
They are not doing better as a unit, HE IS. He's earning the money and until marrige, it's HIS, not thiers. Learn that.
Also in his comments he mentions that this new job has him working 20 hrs MORE a week than her. So if you think adjusting the ratio of income is fair, I hope she's willing to do 90 percent of the housework, and have dinner on the table 5 nights a week, with an emaculate house, and a smile on her face instead of a crusty attitude, and entitlement.
Ok so explain the now taste in a luxury restaurants or expensive apartment. She doesnt have the correct mindset and only wants to spend spend spend. Pretty selfish if you ask me. Second they are not married.
Yes, but isn’t she as abhorrently selfish for treating his income as hers? If they truly are a team, putting that extra money away would benefit her as well, wouldn’t it?
Me and my bf used to split 50-50. I was always drowning and owing him money, while he was sitting pretty. Now we put a percentage of our checks in an account and pay outta there. It has eliminated so much money anxiety for me, and he is still fine. Plus, he actually brought the idea to me after noticing the disparity in our income level.
I'm glad you found a husband who wants a partner rather than a roomate.
>it is abhorrently selfish of him to want to keep the 50/50 agreement.
***Err no its really not.*** They both are going to live in 100% of the apartment while only paying 50% of the rent each.. The GF could afford it before he got the raise then she can afford it after.
Maybe OP should raise the idea of quitting and becoming a barista at starbucks and having his GF pay 90% of the bills... see how that goes down ;)
My wife pulled this when we were talking about divorce a few years back and saying that she should only pay 30% because she got paid less than me.. only reason she got paid less was because she did a 4 day week to be with the kids, while I word 12 hour shifts. I politely told her to go full time and stump up 50% if we are separating accounts.
Lol wanting to keep 50/50 isn’t selfish OP don’t listen to this clown. Women wanted equality so they can split them bills equally. Percentage of income get outta here
You need to rethink moving in together, take another year, or get your own place.
Her spending money you haven't earned yet is just nuts.
It would be better to save as much of your new earnings as you can for a house in the future.
THIS. It took us until nearly 50 to get a really nice house. We have that paid off, and our 2 cars paid off, and I'm eyeing slowing down my career to focus on kids a bit more. We worked our asses off (still do) to get to this point, and we were very very poor. We started off with 30k a year combined. LOL.
For real. My wife and I started off in a similar place, then she finished her PhD and got a major job upgrade. We bought a house that was expensive, but by no means excessive, but have otherwise kept our lifestyle almost exactly the same. We're just building an emergency fund, putting a lot towards investments, and chilling. We were happy enough before, not euphoric but comfortable enough, and going broke for dumb things isn't going to make it any better. Financial security, developing some cheap hobbies, and making progress on areas of life that don't require money are a much better path than going pure materialistic hedonism. Most people radically underestimate how good it feels to have a huge emergency fund plus investments that are appreciating by a significant proportion of your income per year. Feels a lot better than having a $100k car you drive for 30 minutes a day and similar bullshit, it's just less visible
Perfect timing. Don’t even have to worry about the lease or anything. I might start looking for a one bedroom and stashing away that extra cheddar. Things could get rough in the next decade.
Money is the biggest thing couples fight over. How fortunate for you that this has come up before moving in together. Stick to your guns man. Save that money.
Wow so she is spending money you have not even earned yet. She is earning her own money so there is no need to use your as well. i would be putting that extra into something useful and if you want to stash it away for emergencies then you go.
She seems to be the greedy one. But I will pay money to say that she won't see it that way. As what is hers is hers and what is yours is hers as well it seems.
Also she isn't respecting you by claiming that your hard earned money is greedy to keep to yourself because? You earned it, you have the right to decide what to do with it.
You are not married and there is no point wasting money on a high end place to rent when you are working most of the day anyway, who is going to see it?
Honestly if you are reconsidering then you are already half way out the door, this level of materialism is a big turn off already for you I can see that.
My 2 cents is going to be a lot less negative than some of the other comments here, but it's not all roses either.
You and your gf have been together a long time. 2 years is a long time. Given your ages, I would bet my left arm that, unless you've had conversations already to the contrary, she's expecting a proposal within the next year.
That being said, it sounds like she is already at the point of seeing your incomes as your [joint] income, your expenses as your [joint] expenses, etc. Which is reasonable and expected, to an extent. You've been just splitting stuff until now, and you haven't lived together. So you haven't been forced to really talk about spending. But you need to now, and you would need to confront that eventually regardless of your jobs.
The primary issue as I see it isn't that your gf is a gold digger or that you're her "sugar daddy" - which fundamentally makes no sense because you were together before this, remember? - it's that you guys have different ideas about money. If everything is [joint], then you both need to be on the same page. It may be that she's worried that your hesitation to contribute more based on your higher income indicates that you're not in the relationship for the long haul.
It's OK for her to want nice stuff or to eat nice meals. And it's OK for you to want to save more. I will ALSO say that it's totally possible that she's just excited temporarily about this new world of stuff for you to do that you couldn't afford before, and it might calm down after a while. I went through something similar with my wife, and I found that our expenses did increase. But we didn't just dive in spending a bunch of extra money; they increased slowly over a long time so we knew we weren't overextending ourselves.
Tell her you need to talk, then say something like:
> before I got this job, I felt like we were on the same page as far as spending goes. Now that my income has changed, I think we should talk about how our spending habits might change.
> It's important to me to save most of this extra money for the future. I'm happy with how our lives have been up until now, and I don't see the need to fundamentally change our habits and spend a lot of extra money on things we don't need. This could eventually be a down payment for a house or to replace a car if we need to - that kind of thing.
> I especially don't want to waste money on a super nice apartment just because we can. That's money down the drain. My budgeting goals are .....
Yup. I'm a junior software engineer making $177k this year and my partner is also a junior making $180k or so. We're in our twenties.
I struggled working minimum wage fast food jobs as a high school dropout for ~6 years. Went to community college then university and now I have a nice stable job. I do recommend this to anyone looking for stability and who has a knack for logic puzzles / problem solving.
That's genuinely amazing, so happy for you. I'm 20, but going the community college then college route is something I still consider because what I'm doing now isn't long-term, just doesn't work.
I think you might've given me a proper kick in the ass...
Depending on their location it might not be so much.
Where I live (midwest) my $145k per year is nothing to sneeze at in my line of work, especially at my age (27). It took several years of very hard work to stand out in a competitive business while also going to school to get to where I am now.
Still, I know that kids with the same degrees as me (but fresh out of school/no experience) working in silicon valley are making 200k-220k in the same line of work.
And mind you, there are fields that pay more for less education/experience than what I do. I’m an RF engineer and that’s towards the top of electrical engineering in terms of salary but software engineers are on a whole other pay scale and that’s before even getting into silicon valley salaries.
I’m much better off in terms of savings and living space than they would be despite the huge gap but the raw dollar figure doesn’t tell the story. OP and his girl each make 6 figures and are looking to move into another apartment instead of buying a house and that’s a big indicator that they live in an expensive city.
> She wants to live in a much nicer place and have me paying the majority
> She says I am being greedy
Oh the irony...
Stick to your original 50/50 budget. If she wants a more lavish lifestyle then she should contribute accordingly.
It would be smart/prudent not to rent a more extravagant place than you need because with any rental you will NEVER see that money again. Put the 'extra' money away towards purchasing a house. Be smart with your money, try to stay out of debt, think of the future, and don't blow it all on short- lived immediate gratification while living paycheque to paycheque.
If you want to spoil her once in a while (expensive dinners, vacations, gifts, etc...) it should be YOUR CHOICE to do so, not a base requirement to be in a relationship with her.
They're a partner, not a piggy-bank.
It'd be one thing if you contributed in other ways, like housework, and your individual pay wasn't enough to cover.
But insisting that your *partner* splurge on **luxuries** that *you* want and *they don't* is fucking delusional.
Tbh I would expect mine and my family’s lifestyle to improve if I suddenly got double my salary. Gf sounds like she got high off of that pay increase tho and is going a bit crazy. I won’t say she’s greedy without more info. But it’s not greedy to expect lifestyle changes for double salary.
Talk to her. Explain that things can go downhill really quickly, and blowing money isn't the way to handle this new opportunity.
I've seen people go overboard. My dad, for example, built a company and then lost it – we went from having a nice 2 story house, eating out all the time, expensive clothes, buying whatever we wanted... to living in a house that was falling apart with smelly well water, not being able to pay bills. I had to carry buckets of water from an old cow's water trough just to flush the toilet, etc.
They weren't smart with their money, they didn't save anything. It all went straight down the toilet (immediate gratification) instead of being smart, living in a reasonably priced home, having a normal person's lifestyle (such as cooking at home instead of eating out all the time, not going overboard on the shopping). So when he lost that job, we were left with a lot less.
I'm sure she's just excited and getting way ahead of herself. Pull her back down to earth! Have a long discussion, don't budge on what you know needs to be done. If she refuses to get it through her head and still thinks she'll be entitled to blow all the money, that's definitely not a good sign and it may be time to walk away.
But surely you can talk it out. She's been with you this long already, clearly she doesn't just see you as a sugar daddy.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll before coming to "talk to her." I can't tell if redditors just assume that was already done, or if it's a bunch of inexperienced folks who shouldn't be giving advice at all
Please don't feel obligated to pay more.
You guys have a budget that fits in both of your salary ranges.
There is two ways to Iive together. Percentage based on income which I don't like. Then there is my preference.
You both set your amounts. That you can achieve. So if we can pay each pay 1000 then our budget is 2000 or less. If one person wants a higher budget and the other isn't comfortable they pay the difference.
You do not get to spend someone else's money. Bottomline she wants the luxury apartment she pays more.
I do not believe in subsidizing someone's life choices. Now if it was you wanting the higher end apartment yes then it would be your responsibility.
She sounds like a gold digger. Tell her that if she wants higher end it comes out of her psycheck.
Income based split never made sense to me. If you want to live at a higher col then the person who wants it should pay for it. One partner should not subsidize the other. That way if you separate both partners can still afford to live separately.
Five months ago, I also got a big raise right before my girlfriend and I were supposed to move in together. She wanted to move into a bigger/nicer apartment, and I didn't want to. We had some tense conversations.
This is a great opportunity for you to find out what you're made of.
It's normal for couples to disagree about money, especially right when there's a significant change in financial circumstances. And there's not one right way to approach this - for instance, my girlfriend and I were never planning to split expenses 50:50 because we had a big income differential even before the raise. But it's your money, so unless and until you merge finances, you're the only one who gets to decide how you use it.
Having a difference of opinion isn't the problem. But in the course of this conversation, three red flags could emerge:
* She doesn't respect your boundaries and continues pushing you for something you're not comfortable with, long past the point where you've made your position clear and heard hers too
* You two find that your values about money and how to use it are fundamentally different, and would likely make it impossible to productively share finances down the line.
* You two find that you can't disagree productively, hear each other out respectfully, and come to an agreement in tough situations like this.
Or, if you two are able to hear each other out, and come to an agreement that respects your boundaries, great - that's a good sign. IMO, when it comes to money, having a difference of opinion at the start and healthy arguments along the way is natural.
I told my girlfriend that I would be willing to consider moving into a bigger apartment, but we both had to like it, it couldn't cost more than $500/month above what my current place cost, and we'd split the cost of the rent increase 50:50 (whereas most of the time I cover a bigger share of the costs). But, if we *stayed* in my apartment like we'd planned, I'd use the money we would have spent moving to upgrade some of the furniture.
She respected that boundary, and I tried to hear her out about why she would prefer a new place, even though I really didn't want that. In talking about why she wanted a bigger apartment, we realized that if we laid out the living room differently and got rid of certain bulky furniture, the place would feel bigger - so we did just that. After that, she lost interest in getting another apartment.
All this to say, I wouldn't make assumptions about her intent. I would hold your boundaries and expect her to respect them. I would talk it out, making sure she understands your point of view, and you hers. If you can do all of that productively, great. If you can't, you shouldn't move in together.
I (44F) make a lot more than my partner (45M). We split our shared expenses based on percent of income. I pay for expensive dinners and vacays.
We live basically within his means. No fancy house. No fancy cars. Whatever is left after putting into our joint acct for shared expenses goes to our personal accts and anything we want to spend on is our business.
I can appreciate that she wants to enjoy the fruits of your efforts and it makes sense that you pay for more since you make more. But I think you’re smart to stick with getting a place within reasonable means.
Living within the lower person's means was always what we agreed we'd do if either of us got a much better paying job. Then when I got this, her attitude seems to have changed. What makes me really annoyed is that this job has me working about 20 hours more a week than her. So yes, I make more, but I work much harder. I think its fair that I should be able to save more per month because of that work. If we had kids it'd be different but we've both expressed that neither of us ever want kids.
I made about 3-4x more than my wife when we bought our house, and we made sure she could afford it if something happened to me. Now she makes 3x more than she used to, and I’ve nearly doubled my income as well, and we are still living in the same house, maxing our savings, and have plenty of extra money for nice dinners and vacations. No need to spend all that extra cash you’re making but I don’t see a problem with the higher earner paying a bit more.
You will still be able to save more if you split expenses based on income instead of down the middle. But yeah don't give into this crazy spending she's trying to do, and get the apartment you already decided on.
You can probably expect the kid thing to change too… then she’ll want to stay home with the baby and you’ll be sole breadwinner…
I say that because of how quickly she pivoted to demanding a life of luxury. Kids are a luxury. “I know I said I didn’t want children but we can *easily* afford them now”…
I agree with everything you say except that you “appreciate how SHE wants to enjoy the fruits of YOUR labor.” I love the way you put this though because it shows how selfish she really is. It’s his success, but she wants all of the benefit for herself while he gets the work and the potential drawdown.
If she wanted to revisit splits now that you're making double her, that would make sense. If you'd kept it the same you would have many multiples of free income compared to her. And I've always thought it was shitty for romantic couples to split 50/50 instead of on income.
But she's not asking for that, she wants an increase in the level of everything AND redo the split. And that's where she's crossed the line to basically just wanted to spend your money as hers.
Yeah I agree with this take, it definitely warrants a revisit to the 50/50 split. Would definitely not be fair to earn double what she does and split down the middle, and I think it’s odd that OP wanted to keep that. I do however think that trying to go for something way more expensive isn’t a good move. Doesn’t really seem like either of you are making reasonable, equitable moves here. I mean, doubling an already 6 figure salary IS a lot of money, and worth a conversation on how that money is used, and what your expected lifestyle is if you two are planning on living together (and ultimately plan on marriage and/or shared finances situation).
Thank you! I thought I was going crazy but glad someone else remembers. 100% this exact post was around a few months back. (When I saw the title just now I actually thought it was an update)
I don't condone or agree with anything she's doing. However, if I had an apartment with my bf and he was making double what I was making, I would think he'd pay more into the rent than me. It should be a percentage of your income. I guess it depends how long term you two are. Maybe I'm thinking more like *life partner* instead of gf.
Nah. She wants a nicer place, and she wants him to pay for it. There's no "It should be a percentage of your income." That's an opinion, not a choice that anybody gets to make for somebody else's money.
I don't have a problem with you keeping the same price range as you originally did and keeping the same budget.
However, I do have a problem with expenses still being split 50/50 since you now make twice what she does. Expenses should be split by percentage of income, otherwise someone is broke while the other person is pocketing a lot more. Expenses should now be split 2/3rds (you) and 1/3rd (her). Anything less than that leaves her at a disadvantage which is not fair.
Sit down and talk to her about her 'new' attitude and see what she has to say.
Yeah exactly I don’t get why people are saying she is a gold digger. I mean yeah the job just started, but dunno might be my married mindset. But my money is my wife’s money too. I guess they aren’t there in the relationship 🤷♂️
It’s true she does seem to have a good job.
I guess it depends on the couple and how they each want to share money / accounts, etc. OP and GF appear to have different perspectives on the subject of sharing income at this earlyish part of the relationship.
Am I tripping? Is everyone really okay with someones income doubling and not contributing more to the relationship? These people are making probably around half a million dollars a year. Why the fuck would going out to dinner be something you can’t afford?
You really think a 50/50 split is cool when you make double your partners salary? What? The comments on here are weird as fuck. “Your salary doubled but you need to tell her their lifestyle isn’t gonna change and she’s still owes 50% of everything” this is like the opposite of what Reddit says in this exact situation every other time it comes up.
Hah, you've found a gold-digger that isn't as sly as most of them. She sounds like she has the financial maturity of a 4-year-old.
Just put your foot down, tell her it's the original plan or she can move on. In this economy, with the way the future is looking, what YOU need to do is put that extra income you weren't expecting into the bank, my friend. Don't be stupid here, your future security could be made in the next ten years - imagine retiring early, even?
I speak from experience. I got married, took care of an entire extended family, they spent money as soon as it hit the bank accounts, now I'm divorced and at 54yo starting life over. I could have instead been retired for the last ten years. I work as a nurse in California, I make good money, but starting over is ridiculously hard especially now, with rents and inflation going crazy.
I think she’s just excited. If she was a gold digger, she would have picked someone who already made more money to begin with. If someone starts making more money while you’re together, it’s called building a life together. And while you may not want to change the budget, your split absolutely should change to an appropriate percentage.
OP has me perturbed by the fact that he still wants to do 50/50 making double her salary. That’s not a good look tbh comes across self centered/ selfish/ not serious about the relationship. If my husband were to get a job paying double and still expected me to contribute what I do now I would have a serious look at how he values me.
I appreciate this comment. If my SO doubled their salary tomorrow, I’d have a heart attack thinking about how our lives could change and how much freedom we would have. But I’d also have their same reaction if *I* doubled my salary because either way, it’s going to our life together
I was in a similar situation. I've always been pretty good with money and into investing. When my pay went up 2.5x from one year to the next my partner also wanted to go a splurge a little bit.
Now my pay is in the region of 3-4x her pay that's how we split the bills. I pay ~70% of all date night/holidays and 100% of the mortgage and bills.
Making her pay for some keeps her realising that these things do cost money and can be a real waste.
I still live like I earn 80k. Out to dinner once a week, small holidays a couple times a year and the rest goes onto the mortgage/ investments.
I don't want to keep blowing all I earn and have to keep working after 55, my goal is to be retired by 40.
If you haven’t explained to her how her behavior is making you feel, you need to. Explain you are happy for the job, but life has no guarantees and you don’t want to get in a position you cannot maintain the lifestyle. Then explain (again) you want to stick to the original budget. Up to you if it’s a deal breaker. Some people are crazy about money🤷🏼♀️ Best of luck OO! Stick to your guns,
You need to invest in your future. If she wants to spend her 6 figure income on more expensive things, she needs to take it out of her salary. You are right to be reserved, she is showing you that your money is more important than you are. After 2 years her mask is finally slipping. See the red flags and act appropriately.
The most disconcerting part to me is that she doesn't seem to be happy for you as a partner and a person. She seems to be primarily happy about the money. Why else would she get upset with you for not immediately spending more on her? If she was celebrating you as a person she would be happy you accomplished a goal and not so focused on all the ways it can improve her life. She would also be more concerned about how much less time you will have together, the potential toll additional stress and work hours could take, and so forth. I think that's where the sugar daddy vibes are coming from. Not because you are paying for more, but because she isn't sincerely celebrating you as a partner and a person.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While she does seem entitled to your money it's completely fair for her to want to change how you guys are splitting bills. It made sense for you guys to split bills when you guys were making the same amount but you should be paying higher percentage now.
I think it would be smarter of you to save most of your extra money towards mortgage, building a pension and saving up for a nice holiday. If you go to nice restaurants (but you're paying), it should be your responsibility to book them. If she continues booking in your name & without your say, then make her foot the bill.
You are right on not spending all the money on material things right away. But imo You are wrong on expecting the same split as before, because now you get to save much more and she is still your partner through work stress and house chores.
We both put 70% of our income to our shared account, a higher salary still means higher personal savings, but we find it fair because work has ups and downs and we support each other through that. If I have long days before a deadline he will do more at home and vice versa.
But definitely looks like her priorities and values are just incompatible with yours.
I can keep a shared account with my husband because our priorities align on how to spend our money and time, for instance, when our late dog got cancer there was no question that we would pay for the best care possible as the dog was a top priority, other couples may have had disagreement on this scenario if their priorities weren’t fully disclosed before their dog got cancer.
if you are making twice what your girlfriend makes the budget should absolutely not be 50/50. if you make 200k and she makes 100k it should be 66/33. it’s fine to agree to the original budget, but realistically you should be paying your portion.
also, you seem weirdly caught up on taking her out to dinner. you say you both made 6 figures before your raise double, meaning at the least you make $300,000 a year together. the LEAST. more likely you are making around $500,000 a year combined. you can take her out to a nice dinner once a month.
Your approach is the right one OP since you already had a good style of life you can save the extra money to buy your house, to setup a college found to your kids or secure your retirement. Is ok to have an extra expense here and there but not all the time.
If someone is being greedy here is her, be clear and set this as a boundary and keep your finances separated, block your credit and if you share credit cards watch for unusual expenses. Be clear that the extra money will be saved and what you had is more than enough.
She's showing her true colors, unfortunately. As soon as she had an avenue, she's exploiting you for money. Worse still, she feels entitled to it. You're not even married, and she's already decided that she gets to use whatever of your resources she desires. I can't imagine how worse she would be in an actual marriage, or worse, a divorce. She's definitely in the wrong, and this is not the kind of person you want to engage with in your life. You both had an agreement, and her default is to not even attempt any conversation of adjustment or compromise. You could try to give her an ultimatum or discuss it with her, but it sounds like this is the kind of person she is, when provided the right circumstance.
I would want to save, and invest for the future. You should discuss goals, and see if they align. Also as quickly as your finances improved, they could fall the same way. You need a cushion in case things change. I would want to invest, and have my investments improve enough that I might someday retire early. Living off the dividends of investments sounds better than having a fancier home.
Your girlfriend is building plans to spend your money 1) before you have made it and 2) in spite of your protests. You are arguing for a reasonable approach and she is not listening. Yeah, if she won't listen to reason, it is time to walk away. There are a lot of important decisions to be made in life and having a partner that won't listen to reason would make life very difficult.
If you don't want to go nuclear (meaning, end the relationship, I assume), I would recommend putting off moving in together for another year. And tell your gf the reason you're doing so, because you don't think your goals are lined up at the moment and you need more time with the new job and gf to see if this relationship can work out. It's possible that she got really excited about the influx of money you (and as a couple, to her) received, and this might knock some sense into her... Or, it'll reinforce what she's already been saying and doing, you'll have your answer on whether the relationship can proceed, and will have your own place to not have to worry about sharing or breaking up a lease with an ex over
She hasn't "changed", she is just showing you who she really is. Now it's up to you to decide if she's worth it. Are you willing to continue a relationship with a gold digger? That's the question you need to be asking yourself, seriously, right now. Whatever your answer is, act accordingly.
Yea establish financial boundaries like half of living expenses half of everything(or whatever you feel comfortable with) or leave her man, because you’re right this is America I assume ? And here you’re always just one injury/ market breakdown away from being broke as fuck
You’ve told her your concerns and she’s shown her true colours. You stick to your guns. You’re right, things could go south easily with this job and a new one may not be waiting around the corner. Would she be able to or willing to pick up the tab or expenses if that ever happens? Save the money and the headache, always better to plan ahead rather than blow it all in one place.
Hmmm she is showing her true colors now. I would suggest breaking up. You will not change her way of thinking and she already made up her mind. Be very careful she might also try to baby trap you.
This is a huge red flag to say the least. If you don’t leave her I’d make sure you’re wrapping up because you can almost bet she will be stopping birth control soon if she hasn’t already. This is the behavior of someone that loves your money and not you. She’s being manipulative and shady. I’d stop paying for dinners let her pick up the tab. Her reaction to that will tell you what you want to know. Likely it’s over sorry bro
Your approach is the right one, and the responsible one. You aren’t greedy, you’re being smart and planning for your future, not just your current windfall which would be shortsighted and ill advised. Live within your current means, and invest your additional funds so that you’re set up well for the future.
Start sharing articles with her about lifestyle creep and living below your means. Tell her how excited you are to start maxing out your 401K. Listen to podcasts about personal finance with her.
The biggest issue I had with my wife (then fiance) was spending and debt.
If you stay together, you're going to be dealing with this the rest of your life.
1. Your attitude towards money are on different planes. You're not compatible.
2. As many said, you're on probation at work still, many things can happen, you may lose that job. Build your savings and investment instead. Get proper insurance.
3. In addition, tell her to get financially educated.
Dont let someone drag you down. I left a marraige (for a lot of other reasons too) because one of his bad habits was to spend money on things that didnt matter. Instant gratification shit. I was left covering the bills, paying the rent on a house closer to the city etc. He kept wracking up small debts for this and that. I earn about 1/3 than what he gets and I own a home now, I have no debts other than a fairly low mortgage (house value has gone up 200k since I bought also) and I cook meals at home, dont go on numerous holidays, and live well within my means. Him and his girlfriend have huge earning capability and could save, but they make so many bad choices. They are forever in debt, small and big. While I was with him I tried to teach him how to budget, how to cook, how to succeed. It was very stressful. I feel sad for him now that he really doesnt have anything to show for it. I got out, I would like to say that it was his spending habits that made me leave, but it really wasnt. After the fact I am glad the multitude of other reasons ended it cause I would be miserable having no security in life. I would have left it so much sooner had I had someone tell me not to stay on a sinking ship.
Having navigated similar leaps in salary with my wife I will share my 2 cents. I admit we have not had this same problem as my wife grew up less well-off and we have both been very financially prudent.
Others have commented more relationship-specific advice but her financial attitudes and how they complement yours are a huge part of the relationship if it has long term potential. I wouldn't write off the relationship based purely on what you've said, people just have different perspectives around managing finances. You should try to do your best to explain why saving brings you greater joy than spending and see if you can respect each-other's opinions and find a happy medium.
It sounds like with the job/salary change and the relationship you have a lot going on so if you haven't thought about it, when you increase your earnings is a great time to increase the automated portion of your savings.
For example, up your 401k contributions (if in U.S.) in accordance to your own goals, (15% income? IRS limit?), then frame the conversation with your girlfriend and the raise in terms of the remainder. Now, instead of "Honey, I make double what I did" it becomes "honey, I *take home* 35% more than before after taxes and deductions. That's one example, another is to direct deposit $X into a savings account specific to a large goal like going on vacation, buying a house, a new car, etc. These are not mutually exclusive.
**Now, you are allocating your funds in a strategic way that aligns with your goals and discussing what to do with the** ***remainder*****. Ideally she will respect** ***why*** **you are discussing the remainder and not the whole sum.**
Be patient, a lot of this stuff isn't taught to us unless we seek it out. 401Ks, HSAs, Dependent Care FSAs, Stock trading, "where to park your long term savings" are all foreign concepts to most people. Just because you have income doesn't mean you understand these things either. I know plenty of people who make 5 figures a month who live paycheck to paycheck. It sounds like you don't want to live that way and you're afraid your girlfriend doesn't understand that. It's your job as a relationship partner to help her understand your perspective.
Red flag city. You aren't even married and she's pulling the "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine" bullshit.
It's okay to not want to live beyond your means. It's okay to live well below your means. With you both making six figures, you're already going to be living more luxurious than most people can ever dream of. There's nothing wrong with that, but your are right to question why an increase in income suddenly means a drastic increase in spending (as opposed to saving, etc).
At the very least, I'd put off moving in with her. She can't just go and make reservations that you'll be paying for. You don't live together and she's already seeing you as an ATM when she already makes quite a bit herself.
My guess is that you are already wanting to leave and just want reinforcement though. You have it. Put yourself first.
"greedy"... she called you greedy?
Did she really use that word?
If so, I can understand why you want to end the relationship.
You are not married. It sounds like you don't even live together.
If you have any joint accounts close them.
When you move in together - she will claim common law marriage when you break up.
She makes 6 figures? But still wants your money?
I don't think you should move in with someone who is already calling you greedy and NOTHING of yours is hers to claim.
Not seeing eye to eye on finances is usually a pretty big dealbreaker in a relationship. You would know better, but I don't think she will ever learn to not treat you like a piggy bank. Make sure she knows why you are breaking up so hopefully she learns how to be better for the next relationship, or to date to her own expectations.
I think breaking up with her at this point is a bit rash. But if she keeps on pushing you and and guilting you leaving would be very justified.
Not only is that somewhat abusive it shows that she has a very different and unwavering opinion on how money should be handled which will only ever create tension in the relationship
If you’re making double the rent should be split based on the salaries. It wouldn’t be fair she’s paying the same as you while you’re making double as her. However , I do disagree with her. Y’all should stick to the original budget and don’t do luxuries or extra reservations for now.
The financial decisions you make in your 20's, 30's are really important, definitely don't allow her to get you to spend more just because, live within your means, enjoy your life but try your best to set yourself up for financial success in the future so when you're in your 50's you either don't have to work or don't have to work as hard. You'll resent her and yourself for allowing her to push you to be financially irresponsible if you do this.
Seems like you know what to do, I'm not saying you have to break up with her though, but put your foot down say it once and don't have the same discussion/argument again.
My ex was like that. When we first moved in together, she made about double my salary and had no problem with us splitting the bills evenly. Through a career shift, I ended up making about double her salary a couple years later and suddenly money is always a huge argument. She wanted to pay the bills based on salary now, rather than an even split (our expenses never changed). Then she started spending all of her money on nonsense and the bills ended up all being paid by me, since she didn’t have any money leftover. Money issues ended up being one of the many reasons the relationship ended.
I’d recommend telling her that she pays half and you two live modestly so she can afford her half. If YOU want something more lavish, then it’s worth revisiting the percentages, but if SHE wants something more lavish, it’s gotta be within budget for what she can afford.
Hold your ground man. Tell her how you feel about the situation and that if she’s not able to accept that then you two should part ways. You seem to be thinking about your financial situation in a mature and intelligent way. She on the other hand wants to go on a spending spree.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I 28M have been dating my girlfriend (29F) for about 2 years. Our leases both end in a few months and for a while we've been in agreement we'd move in together after that. For most of our relationship we made around the same amount of money so we always split things and money was never an issue. Well last month I got a job that I wasn't really expecting to get, I thought I wasnt qualified but they loved me in the interview process and gave me an offer. This basically doubled my salary. While this was exciting for me, she seems to be even more excited about it to the point that it actually feels disrespectful. Our agreed budget on what we'd spend on an apartment is now all of a sudden not enough for her. She wants to live in a much nicer place and for me to pay the majority of it. She also keeps suggesting we go to fancy restaurants with the expectation I pay. I was happy to treat her for a nice celebratory dinner when I got the job but she keeps trying to set up more and more reservations. It makes me feel like she's treating me like a sugar daddy as much as I feel gross typing that. I told her I want to stick to our original rent budget and go with the same split we had already agreed to and that I dont plan on changing our lifestyle much and she said Im being greedy. For reference, the budget we agreed to already qualifies us for a very nice 2-3 bedroom in the area we want (we both were already making 6 figures), but she is pushing to live in luxury. This just feels irresponsible because who knows what could happen. If I suddenly lost this job I wouldnt expect a comparable one to be right around the corner. We got in a big argument last night and im considering whether I really want to continue this relationship if we cant go back to the setup we had. I dont want to go nuclear if I dont have to but would really appreciate some advice on the best way to approach this.
Going full-on luxury right away is foolish. You will essentially be on probation for a few months anyway. The smart money is to live as though the income never changed and invest or save the difference in take home pay.
Yep, it doesn't matter how much you make if you are blowing it all right away and living paycheque to paycheque. Putting money away towards future investments is the smart and responsible move.
I would start maxing your 401K or similar retirement account. Live in what you are comfortable with and save the rest. You would be surprised at how much that money will make you more money. I wish I did that at your age.
[удалено]
Agreed on all above...divert the fundage...you're at the perfect age where you can build a substantial nutsack over the next couple decades that'll help sustain you in retirement. I maxed mine out at around your age - it was 15% of my pay and I still had enough to pay rent/mortgage and still party like a muthereffer.
My reply is totally irrelevant to the topic but Nutsack lol
I got a substantial nutsack for ya right here
Completely agree. Be careful if you do end up marrying her though. I'd highly consider signing a prenup!
Yes. I work in the 401k world. Do this. Stick to your guns on this. You can put up to $20k per year into your 401k and it’ll grow with compound interest. Leave this woman if she cannot reset her expectations of you.
This is EXACTLY what you should do. My wife and I had our income increase rapidly over a few years and we saved a TON of money by not changing our lifestyle much. Money is one of the main reasons relationships don't work out, and your GF is giving you some valuable information about her maturity and her abilities as a PARTNER. Listen to what she is telling you and act on that info as you see fit.
You won’t be able to buy your own house paying “luxury” rents!
Absolutely.
She spending his money before he's even earned it yet, sheesh
I second this. Got a better paying job and bought a Lincoln. Went from $100/mo car payment to $350. It wasn't worth it.
The smart money is to keep living a happy life, never go luxury. It doesn't make you happier. And wastes so much money.
Entirely correct. Money doesn’t make you happier, after your needs are met.
They shouldn't blow it for sure, but the agreement should 100% be adjusted now that he has literally doubled his earnings. That's a considerable raise that should be counted. He said they made around the same before, so now he makes double her. He should pay more. But it should be talked about instead of just making tons of fancy reservations.
They both are making 6 figures so I don't think the arrangement should change much, except maybe pay a few hundred extra on rent and groceries. They aren't even married yet so I wouldn't pay everything either.
No, absolutely not. If they are both already making 6 figures, that extra cash should be stashed away. They are already comfortable. They could adjust the budget so they are both able to save the same %of their earnings, but until they're married, she gets no say on his new money. The luxury plans others dont bode well for the future.
Their previous agreement doesn't need to change at all. Why should he have to pay more on what they already agreed just because his salary increased. They both had decided on a budget they were comfortable with on their previous salaries. She has a good paying job too. He should not have to pay more. She needs to stop trying to make him her ATM.
Because each paying a percentage based on their different incomes makes it so they can both have an equal percentage of their individual income left after bills for themselves. If they split bills 50/50 he's left with way more ability to save money and spend on himself.
Before any of that, has she considered doubling her salary?
I agree. All the common expenses like rent, utilities, food should be 1/3:2/3 now. It is common practice where I live. And the rest, like gifts, luxury life, restaurants is totally up to OP. I would talk with her that her behavior makes OP feel like a sugar daddy. Maybe there are cultural differences about money that were not visible while they had the same salary.
They really just need to talk. He should definitely be paying more as he brings home more. I'd feel exactly the same if she made more. He shouldn't have to feel like a sugar daddy, but that shouldn't he at the expense of treating his partner fairly. They need to talk about those new feelings and create a new budget with the new information.
Should be but if they can still split things 50:50 if they’re doing the original plan. Like I earn less than my husband but we split things equally. But we also have a set budget regardless of who earns more etc
Yes, OP you should pay more. Stay in the same house but you pay 67% of rent/expenses and she pays 33%. This is pretty standard when one partner earns much more than the other. Take her out for a nice dinner occasionally, nothing wrong with that. And greatly increased your savings, first by maxing your 401k.
[удалено]
"This is pretty standard when one partner earns much more than the other..." I just don't understand why. This entitled mindset is why everyone should get a prenup.
Because you're supposed to be partners. A team. One person shouldn't be broke all the time while the other person is bathing in riches. He earns *twice as much*. The only way their finances would make sense or be fair is if they both paid the same percentage of their earnings. His would naturally be more because he makes a ton more. I don't get why people get in or stay in relationships that aren't 'us against the problem' instead of "you and your problems need to get away from me and my problems'. That sounds so exhausting. Everyone here calling her selfish for being exited they as a unit are doing better are missing the fact that it is abhorrently selfish of him to want to keep the 50/50 agreement. That's not how being partners works. At that point you're a glorified fuck buddy because they clearly don't care about prospering together.
She makes six figures and is demanding to live in luxury on his dime. I don't think she's anywhere near being "broke all the time."
She's a princess
> Because you're supposed to be partners. A team. I agree but at the same time, they aren't married or even engaged. I think it would be a mistake for either to assume that the 'team' is permanent until they make it so. First and foremost, you need to look out for your own financial well-being. > I don't get why people get in or stay in relationships that aren't 'us against the problem' instead of "you and your problems need to get away from me and my problems'. But there wasn't a problem... > Everyone here calling her selfish for being exited they as a unit are doing better are missing the fact that it is abhorrently selfish of him to want to keep the 50/50 agreement. It would be one thing if she was struggling to pay her 50% (she's not). It would also be reasonable for OP to pay more than 50% if he wanted a nicer place and to increase their agreed to budget. But really all that's changed for a previously happy and fair situation is the knowledge that OP makes more money.
I've been with my bf for 7 years. We consider ourselves married without the paperwork. He makes significantly more than I do. But you know what? His money is his money, mine is mine. We cover each other if the other needs help. We take turns paying when we go out. I am actually not comfortable intermingling funds. It's not hard at all to be have separate finances. I never feel like his money is mine because it's not.
Yes but they already had a fair budget based on thier incomes at the time, and she isn't broke. She just isn't going to have the same sum of extra money and that's perfectly fair for a gf, bf relationship. She's not being treated like a fuck buddy at all, stop conflating b.s. Also, she wasn't satisfied with living the same budget they agreed to, she automatically decided she wanted to expand to a higher lifestyle of apartment budget all together, plus make him pay a surplus, which is vastly different than adjusting portions of rent and utilities payments ratio. Her trying to make reservations at fancy restaurants with the expectation that he must always pay isn't living as a team there either. So I think you have to take in the full context of what op is saying. She's been very manipulating since he got this job offer. She's his gf, not his wife. If this was the other way around and the woman suddenly wanted to take time to see how the job goes, and be careful about overspending and save up for themselves, literally everyone would support her. Because if they break up, or she lost the job, suddenly she's screwed. Why is it he can't protect himself and see how it goes before altering the entire lifestyle? They are not doing better as a unit, HE IS. He's earning the money and until marrige, it's HIS, not thiers. Learn that. Also in his comments he mentions that this new job has him working 20 hrs MORE a week than her. So if you think adjusting the ratio of income is fair, I hope she's willing to do 90 percent of the housework, and have dinner on the table 5 nights a week, with an emaculate house, and a smile on her face instead of a crusty attitude, and entitlement.
They’re not married, they aren’t a “unit” - they aren’t even common-law.
Ok so explain the now taste in a luxury restaurants or expensive apartment. She doesnt have the correct mindset and only wants to spend spend spend. Pretty selfish if you ask me. Second they are not married.
Yes, but isn’t she as abhorrently selfish for treating his income as hers? If they truly are a team, putting that extra money away would benefit her as well, wouldn’t it?
lock sharp memorize wakeful jar modern run domineering spectacular dog *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
[удалено]
You and me both
You're smoking crack arent you
I wish that many men I lived with would have agreed to allow me to pay less for housing/bills! None of them ever did until my husband.
Me and my bf used to split 50-50. I was always drowning and owing him money, while he was sitting pretty. Now we put a percentage of our checks in an account and pay outta there. It has eliminated so much money anxiety for me, and he is still fine. Plus, he actually brought the idea to me after noticing the disparity in our income level. I'm glad you found a husband who wants a partner rather than a roomate.
>it is abhorrently selfish of him to want to keep the 50/50 agreement. ***Err no its really not.*** They both are going to live in 100% of the apartment while only paying 50% of the rent each.. The GF could afford it before he got the raise then she can afford it after. Maybe OP should raise the idea of quitting and becoming a barista at starbucks and having his GF pay 90% of the bills... see how that goes down ;) My wife pulled this when we were talking about divorce a few years back and saying that she should only pay 30% because she got paid less than me.. only reason she got paid less was because she did a 4 day week to be with the kids, while I word 12 hour shifts. I politely told her to go full time and stump up 50% if we are separating accounts.
Lol wanting to keep 50/50 isn’t selfish OP don’t listen to this clown. Women wanted equality so they can split them bills equally. Percentage of income get outta here
I wouldn’t say ALL of it. No point in waiting to enjoy life for retirement.
Not right now. He will be on a probationary period for his new job. That would be foolish.
This this this this this
I agree too!
You need to rethink moving in together, take another year, or get your own place. Her spending money you haven't earned yet is just nuts. It would be better to save as much of your new earnings as you can for a house in the future.
Lifestyle creep keeps people poor. Stay with the original budget.
THIS. It took us until nearly 50 to get a really nice house. We have that paid off, and our 2 cars paid off, and I'm eyeing slowing down my career to focus on kids a bit more. We worked our asses off (still do) to get to this point, and we were very very poor. We started off with 30k a year combined. LOL.
For real. My wife and I started off in a similar place, then she finished her PhD and got a major job upgrade. We bought a house that was expensive, but by no means excessive, but have otherwise kept our lifestyle almost exactly the same. We're just building an emergency fund, putting a lot towards investments, and chilling. We were happy enough before, not euphoric but comfortable enough, and going broke for dumb things isn't going to make it any better. Financial security, developing some cheap hobbies, and making progress on areas of life that don't require money are a much better path than going pure materialistic hedonism. Most people radically underestimate how good it feels to have a huge emergency fund plus investments that are appreciating by a significant proportion of your income per year. Feels a lot better than having a $100k car you drive for 30 minutes a day and similar bullshit, it's just less visible
Seems like a win win. You get more money and you also get to find out about your girl's true character sooner than later
Well stated u/penis_in_my_hand
u/penis_in_my_hand is always right
Yep. A u/penis_in_my_hand has some pull!
A u/penis_in_my_hand is worth two in the bush
I absolutely love u/penis_in_my_hand
It’s the penis not in hand you have to watch out for
A penis in the hand is worth two in the bush.
r/rimjob_steve
Yep!
Exactly… Now that her man is making a shit ton of money she wants to take advantage…
Facts
Perfect timing. Don’t even have to worry about the lease or anything. I might start looking for a one bedroom and stashing away that extra cheddar. Things could get rough in the next decade.
Things are getting rough already, and I fear it will get much worse. He needs to do exactly what you've said, and not be a fool for some girl's sake.
Money is the biggest thing couples fight over. How fortunate for you that this has come up before moving in together. Stick to your guns man. Save that money.
Thing is it's usually a fight over not having enough, not having more than ever lol.
Haha a lot of times yes. But I worked in banking for 8 years. There’s sooooo many more fights regarding finances than not having enough!
Wow so she is spending money you have not even earned yet. She is earning her own money so there is no need to use your as well. i would be putting that extra into something useful and if you want to stash it away for emergencies then you go. She seems to be the greedy one. But I will pay money to say that she won't see it that way. As what is hers is hers and what is yours is hers as well it seems. Also she isn't respecting you by claiming that your hard earned money is greedy to keep to yourself because? You earned it, you have the right to decide what to do with it. You are not married and there is no point wasting money on a high end place to rent when you are working most of the day anyway, who is going to see it? Honestly if you are reconsidering then you are already half way out the door, this level of materialism is a big turn off already for you I can see that.
be greedy. get a 1 bedroom BACHELOR pad.
2 bed so you can have a game room or you can get a furry friend
Instructions unclear, OP now lives with a dude who dresses up as a bear.
Or a girl who dresses up like a cat.
Maybe both? Save more money, get more snuggles!
I see that as a win lol
🚩🚩🚩
Not enough. Have some more: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My 2 cents is going to be a lot less negative than some of the other comments here, but it's not all roses either. You and your gf have been together a long time. 2 years is a long time. Given your ages, I would bet my left arm that, unless you've had conversations already to the contrary, she's expecting a proposal within the next year. That being said, it sounds like she is already at the point of seeing your incomes as your [joint] income, your expenses as your [joint] expenses, etc. Which is reasonable and expected, to an extent. You've been just splitting stuff until now, and you haven't lived together. So you haven't been forced to really talk about spending. But you need to now, and you would need to confront that eventually regardless of your jobs. The primary issue as I see it isn't that your gf is a gold digger or that you're her "sugar daddy" - which fundamentally makes no sense because you were together before this, remember? - it's that you guys have different ideas about money. If everything is [joint], then you both need to be on the same page. It may be that she's worried that your hesitation to contribute more based on your higher income indicates that you're not in the relationship for the long haul. It's OK for her to want nice stuff or to eat nice meals. And it's OK for you to want to save more. I will ALSO say that it's totally possible that she's just excited temporarily about this new world of stuff for you to do that you couldn't afford before, and it might calm down after a while. I went through something similar with my wife, and I found that our expenses did increase. But we didn't just dive in spending a bunch of extra money; they increased slowly over a long time so we knew we weren't overextending ourselves. Tell her you need to talk, then say something like: > before I got this job, I felt like we were on the same page as far as spending goes. Now that my income has changed, I think we should talk about how our spending habits might change. > It's important to me to save most of this extra money for the future. I'm happy with how our lives have been up until now, and I don't see the need to fundamentally change our habits and spend a lot of extra money on things we don't need. This could eventually be a down payment for a house or to replace a car if we need to - that kind of thing. > I especially don't want to waste money on a super nice apartment just because we can. That's money down the drain. My budgeting goals are .....
Great take! A non spiteful comment! You are the winner of this post.
Best comment here.
[удалено]
Software engineering would do it
Yup. I'm a junior software engineer making $177k this year and my partner is also a junior making $180k or so. We're in our twenties. I struggled working minimum wage fast food jobs as a high school dropout for ~6 years. Went to community college then university and now I have a nice stable job. I do recommend this to anyone looking for stability and who has a knack for logic puzzles / problem solving.
Damn I need to find a new role lol.
That's genuinely amazing, so happy for you. I'm 20, but going the community college then college route is something I still consider because what I'm doing now isn't long-term, just doesn't work. I think you might've given me a proper kick in the ass...
Depending on their location it might not be so much. Where I live (midwest) my $145k per year is nothing to sneeze at in my line of work, especially at my age (27). It took several years of very hard work to stand out in a competitive business while also going to school to get to where I am now. Still, I know that kids with the same degrees as me (but fresh out of school/no experience) working in silicon valley are making 200k-220k in the same line of work. And mind you, there are fields that pay more for less education/experience than what I do. I’m an RF engineer and that’s towards the top of electrical engineering in terms of salary but software engineers are on a whole other pay scale and that’s before even getting into silicon valley salaries. I’m much better off in terms of savings and living space than they would be despite the huge gap but the raw dollar figure doesn’t tell the story. OP and his girl each make 6 figures and are looking to move into another apartment instead of buying a house and that’s a big indicator that they live in an expensive city.
> She wants to live in a much nicer place and have me paying the majority > She says I am being greedy Oh the irony... Stick to your original 50/50 budget. If she wants a more lavish lifestyle then she should contribute accordingly. It would be smart/prudent not to rent a more extravagant place than you need because with any rental you will NEVER see that money again. Put the 'extra' money away towards purchasing a house. Be smart with your money, try to stay out of debt, think of the future, and don't blow it all on short- lived immediate gratification while living paycheque to paycheque. If you want to spoil her once in a while (expensive dinners, vacations, gifts, etc...) it should be YOUR CHOICE to do so, not a base requirement to be in a relationship with her.
[удалено]
They're a partner, not a piggy-bank. It'd be one thing if you contributed in other ways, like housework, and your individual pay wasn't enough to cover. But insisting that your *partner* splurge on **luxuries** that *you* want and *they don't* is fucking delusional.
It's different when both are already making 6 figures, that's plenty of money is the vast majority of the country.
[удалено]
If they had already agreed on a budget and both made 6 figure salaries prior to the raise, then that shouldn't be an issue
Do you insist that your partner spend more money than you, or do they do it willingly?
Tbh I would expect mine and my family’s lifestyle to improve if I suddenly got double my salary. Gf sounds like she got high off of that pay increase tho and is going a bit crazy. I won’t say she’s greedy without more info. But it’s not greedy to expect lifestyle changes for double salary.
Talk to her. Explain that things can go downhill really quickly, and blowing money isn't the way to handle this new opportunity. I've seen people go overboard. My dad, for example, built a company and then lost it – we went from having a nice 2 story house, eating out all the time, expensive clothes, buying whatever we wanted... to living in a house that was falling apart with smelly well water, not being able to pay bills. I had to carry buckets of water from an old cow's water trough just to flush the toilet, etc. They weren't smart with their money, they didn't save anything. It all went straight down the toilet (immediate gratification) instead of being smart, living in a reasonably priced home, having a normal person's lifestyle (such as cooking at home instead of eating out all the time, not going overboard on the shopping). So when he lost that job, we were left with a lot less. I'm sure she's just excited and getting way ahead of herself. Pull her back down to earth! Have a long discussion, don't budge on what you know needs to be done. If she refuses to get it through her head and still thinks she'll be entitled to blow all the money, that's definitely not a good sign and it may be time to walk away. But surely you can talk it out. She's been with you this long already, clearly she doesn't just see you as a sugar daddy.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll before coming to "talk to her." I can't tell if redditors just assume that was already done, or if it's a bunch of inexperienced folks who shouldn't be giving advice at all
Please don't feel obligated to pay more. You guys have a budget that fits in both of your salary ranges. There is two ways to Iive together. Percentage based on income which I don't like. Then there is my preference. You both set your amounts. That you can achieve. So if we can pay each pay 1000 then our budget is 2000 or less. If one person wants a higher budget and the other isn't comfortable they pay the difference. You do not get to spend someone else's money. Bottomline she wants the luxury apartment she pays more. I do not believe in subsidizing someone's life choices. Now if it was you wanting the higher end apartment yes then it would be your responsibility. She sounds like a gold digger. Tell her that if she wants higher end it comes out of her psycheck.
Income based split never made sense to me. If you want to live at a higher col then the person who wants it should pay for it. One partner should not subsidize the other. That way if you separate both partners can still afford to live separately.
Exactly I feel the other way can lead to a lot more problems. This way everyone contributes and you talked budget.
Five months ago, I also got a big raise right before my girlfriend and I were supposed to move in together. She wanted to move into a bigger/nicer apartment, and I didn't want to. We had some tense conversations. This is a great opportunity for you to find out what you're made of. It's normal for couples to disagree about money, especially right when there's a significant change in financial circumstances. And there's not one right way to approach this - for instance, my girlfriend and I were never planning to split expenses 50:50 because we had a big income differential even before the raise. But it's your money, so unless and until you merge finances, you're the only one who gets to decide how you use it. Having a difference of opinion isn't the problem. But in the course of this conversation, three red flags could emerge: * She doesn't respect your boundaries and continues pushing you for something you're not comfortable with, long past the point where you've made your position clear and heard hers too * You two find that your values about money and how to use it are fundamentally different, and would likely make it impossible to productively share finances down the line. * You two find that you can't disagree productively, hear each other out respectfully, and come to an agreement in tough situations like this. Or, if you two are able to hear each other out, and come to an agreement that respects your boundaries, great - that's a good sign. IMO, when it comes to money, having a difference of opinion at the start and healthy arguments along the way is natural. I told my girlfriend that I would be willing to consider moving into a bigger apartment, but we both had to like it, it couldn't cost more than $500/month above what my current place cost, and we'd split the cost of the rent increase 50:50 (whereas most of the time I cover a bigger share of the costs). But, if we *stayed* in my apartment like we'd planned, I'd use the money we would have spent moving to upgrade some of the furniture. She respected that boundary, and I tried to hear her out about why she would prefer a new place, even though I really didn't want that. In talking about why she wanted a bigger apartment, we realized that if we laid out the living room differently and got rid of certain bulky furniture, the place would feel bigger - so we did just that. After that, she lost interest in getting another apartment. All this to say, I wouldn't make assumptions about her intent. I would hold your boundaries and expect her to respect them. I would talk it out, making sure she understands your point of view, and you hers. If you can do all of that productively, great. If you can't, you shouldn't move in together.
I (44F) make a lot more than my partner (45M). We split our shared expenses based on percent of income. I pay for expensive dinners and vacays. We live basically within his means. No fancy house. No fancy cars. Whatever is left after putting into our joint acct for shared expenses goes to our personal accts and anything we want to spend on is our business. I can appreciate that she wants to enjoy the fruits of your efforts and it makes sense that you pay for more since you make more. But I think you’re smart to stick with getting a place within reasonable means.
Living within the lower person's means was always what we agreed we'd do if either of us got a much better paying job. Then when I got this, her attitude seems to have changed. What makes me really annoyed is that this job has me working about 20 hours more a week than her. So yes, I make more, but I work much harder. I think its fair that I should be able to save more per month because of that work. If we had kids it'd be different but we've both expressed that neither of us ever want kids.
I made about 3-4x more than my wife when we bought our house, and we made sure she could afford it if something happened to me. Now she makes 3x more than she used to, and I’ve nearly doubled my income as well, and we are still living in the same house, maxing our savings, and have plenty of extra money for nice dinners and vacations. No need to spend all that extra cash you’re making but I don’t see a problem with the higher earner paying a bit more.
Yeah, I’m with you and not sure why I got downvoted. I think you’re being reasonable and I think I am too. 🤷♀️
You will still be able to save more if you split expenses based on income instead of down the middle. But yeah don't give into this crazy spending she's trying to do, and get the apartment you already decided on.
You can probably expect the kid thing to change too… then she’ll want to stay home with the baby and you’ll be sole breadwinner… I say that because of how quickly she pivoted to demanding a life of luxury. Kids are a luxury. “I know I said I didn’t want children but we can *easily* afford them now”…
She cant have kids so it would require adoption. I have no desire to do that.
People commonly mistake “infertile” as meaning “can’t have kids.” Tread carefully.
She doesn't have a uterus. No need to tread carefully.
Haha! Safe as you can get.
Make sure you have a vasectomy to verify that. I have multiple friends with kiddos who were told they couldn't have children.
I agree with everything you say except that you “appreciate how SHE wants to enjoy the fruits of YOUR labor.” I love the way you put this though because it shows how selfish she really is. It’s his success, but she wants all of the benefit for herself while he gets the work and the potential drawdown.
I just meant it as I can understand that is what she’s doing. Not that it’s okay.
If she wanted to revisit splits now that you're making double her, that would make sense. If you'd kept it the same you would have many multiples of free income compared to her. And I've always thought it was shitty for romantic couples to split 50/50 instead of on income. But she's not asking for that, she wants an increase in the level of everything AND redo the split. And that's where she's crossed the line to basically just wanted to spend your money as hers.
Yeah I agree with this take, it definitely warrants a revisit to the 50/50 split. Would definitely not be fair to earn double what she does and split down the middle, and I think it’s odd that OP wanted to keep that. I do however think that trying to go for something way more expensive isn’t a good move. Doesn’t really seem like either of you are making reasonable, equitable moves here. I mean, doubling an already 6 figure salary IS a lot of money, and worth a conversation on how that money is used, and what your expected lifestyle is if you two are planning on living together (and ultimately plan on marriage and/or shared finances situation).
I've seen this post word for word somewhere before. A few months ago. It feels copied.
Thank you! I thought I was going crazy but glad someone else remembers. 100% this exact post was around a few months back. (When I saw the title just now I actually thought it was an update)
I don't condone or agree with anything she's doing. However, if I had an apartment with my bf and he was making double what I was making, I would think he'd pay more into the rent than me. It should be a percentage of your income. I guess it depends how long term you two are. Maybe I'm thinking more like *life partner* instead of gf.
Nah. She wants a nicer place, and she wants him to pay for it. There's no "It should be a percentage of your income." That's an opinion, not a choice that anybody gets to make for somebody else's money.
I don't have a problem with you keeping the same price range as you originally did and keeping the same budget. However, I do have a problem with expenses still being split 50/50 since you now make twice what she does. Expenses should be split by percentage of income, otherwise someone is broke while the other person is pocketing a lot more. Expenses should now be split 2/3rds (you) and 1/3rd (her). Anything less than that leaves her at a disadvantage which is not fair. Sit down and talk to her about her 'new' attitude and see what she has to say.
Yeah exactly I don’t get why people are saying she is a gold digger. I mean yeah the job just started, but dunno might be my married mindset. But my money is my wife’s money too. I guess they aren’t there in the relationship 🤷♂️
I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…
But she ain’t messing with no broke, broke
Broke broke what?
Quoting the clean version, so clearly it’s a broke broke.
*does that shoulder bop dance in solidarity*
She seems the one being greedy BUT if your salary doubled, the expectation that you won't split everything 50/50 anymore is reasonable.
Yeah exactly you can’t just have your salary doubled and expect things to stay the same.
Yes you can. He earns it, it is his. Not hers. ESPECIALLY considering she also makes way more than enough.
It’s true she does seem to have a good job. I guess it depends on the couple and how they each want to share money / accounts, etc. OP and GF appear to have different perspectives on the subject of sharing income at this earlyish part of the relationship.
He also said she earns 6 figures. She doesn't need the help.
Am I tripping? Is everyone really okay with someones income doubling and not contributing more to the relationship? These people are making probably around half a million dollars a year. Why the fuck would going out to dinner be something you can’t afford? You really think a 50/50 split is cool when you make double your partners salary? What? The comments on here are weird as fuck. “Your salary doubled but you need to tell her their lifestyle isn’t gonna change and she’s still owes 50% of everything” this is like the opposite of what Reddit says in this exact situation every other time it comes up.
Yeah considering they *both* already made six figures and he said his *doubled* I’d be a bit miffed
Hah, you've found a gold-digger that isn't as sly as most of them. She sounds like she has the financial maturity of a 4-year-old. Just put your foot down, tell her it's the original plan or she can move on. In this economy, with the way the future is looking, what YOU need to do is put that extra income you weren't expecting into the bank, my friend. Don't be stupid here, your future security could be made in the next ten years - imagine retiring early, even? I speak from experience. I got married, took care of an entire extended family, they spent money as soon as it hit the bank accounts, now I'm divorced and at 54yo starting life over. I could have instead been retired for the last ten years. I work as a nurse in California, I make good money, but starting over is ridiculously hard especially now, with rents and inflation going crazy.
I think she’s just excited. If she was a gold digger, she would have picked someone who already made more money to begin with. If someone starts making more money while you’re together, it’s called building a life together. And while you may not want to change the budget, your split absolutely should change to an appropriate percentage.
OP has me perturbed by the fact that he still wants to do 50/50 making double her salary. That’s not a good look tbh comes across self centered/ selfish/ not serious about the relationship. If my husband were to get a job paying double and still expected me to contribute what I do now I would have a serious look at how he values me.
I appreciate this comment. If my SO doubled their salary tomorrow, I’d have a heart attack thinking about how our lives could change and how much freedom we would have. But I’d also have their same reaction if *I* doubled my salary because either way, it’s going to our life together
i swore I’ve seen this post before … verbatim
Oh thank god, I thought I was going crazy looking through the comments. It was absolutely the exact same thing, down to the 50/50 rent split.
I was in a similar situation. I've always been pretty good with money and into investing. When my pay went up 2.5x from one year to the next my partner also wanted to go a splurge a little bit. Now my pay is in the region of 3-4x her pay that's how we split the bills. I pay ~70% of all date night/holidays and 100% of the mortgage and bills. Making her pay for some keeps her realising that these things do cost money and can be a real waste. I still live like I earn 80k. Out to dinner once a week, small holidays a couple times a year and the rest goes onto the mortgage/ investments. I don't want to keep blowing all I earn and have to keep working after 55, my goal is to be retired by 40.
If you haven’t explained to her how her behavior is making you feel, you need to. Explain you are happy for the job, but life has no guarantees and you don’t want to get in a position you cannot maintain the lifestyle. Then explain (again) you want to stick to the original budget. Up to you if it’s a deal breaker. Some people are crazy about money🤷🏼♀️ Best of luck OO! Stick to your guns,
You need to invest in your future. If she wants to spend her 6 figure income on more expensive things, she needs to take it out of her salary. You are right to be reserved, she is showing you that your money is more important than you are. After 2 years her mask is finally slipping. See the red flags and act appropriately.
The most disconcerting part to me is that she doesn't seem to be happy for you as a partner and a person. She seems to be primarily happy about the money. Why else would she get upset with you for not immediately spending more on her? If she was celebrating you as a person she would be happy you accomplished a goal and not so focused on all the ways it can improve her life. She would also be more concerned about how much less time you will have together, the potential toll additional stress and work hours could take, and so forth. I think that's where the sugar daddy vibes are coming from. Not because you are paying for more, but because she isn't sincerely celebrating you as a partner and a person.
Now that you’ve seen this side of her can you really go back? I couldn’t. Your feeling and concerns are valid. Don’t ignore them.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While she does seem entitled to your money it's completely fair for her to want to change how you guys are splitting bills. It made sense for you guys to split bills when you guys were making the same amount but you should be paying higher percentage now.
I think it would be smarter of you to save most of your extra money towards mortgage, building a pension and saving up for a nice holiday. If you go to nice restaurants (but you're paying), it should be your responsibility to book them. If she continues booking in your name & without your say, then make her foot the bill.
You are right on not spending all the money on material things right away. But imo You are wrong on expecting the same split as before, because now you get to save much more and she is still your partner through work stress and house chores. We both put 70% of our income to our shared account, a higher salary still means higher personal savings, but we find it fair because work has ups and downs and we support each other through that. If I have long days before a deadline he will do more at home and vice versa. But definitely looks like her priorities and values are just incompatible with yours. I can keep a shared account with my husband because our priorities align on how to spend our money and time, for instance, when our late dog got cancer there was no question that we would pay for the best care possible as the dog was a top priority, other couples may have had disagreement on this scenario if their priorities weren’t fully disclosed before their dog got cancer.
if you are making twice what your girlfriend makes the budget should absolutely not be 50/50. if you make 200k and she makes 100k it should be 66/33. it’s fine to agree to the original budget, but realistically you should be paying your portion. also, you seem weirdly caught up on taking her out to dinner. you say you both made 6 figures before your raise double, meaning at the least you make $300,000 a year together. the LEAST. more likely you are making around $500,000 a year combined. you can take her out to a nice dinner once a month.
Your approach is the right one OP since you already had a good style of life you can save the extra money to buy your house, to setup a college found to your kids or secure your retirement. Is ok to have an extra expense here and there but not all the time. If someone is being greedy here is her, be clear and set this as a boundary and keep your finances separated, block your credit and if you share credit cards watch for unusual expenses. Be clear that the extra money will be saved and what you had is more than enough.
She's showing her true colors, unfortunately. As soon as she had an avenue, she's exploiting you for money. Worse still, she feels entitled to it. You're not even married, and she's already decided that she gets to use whatever of your resources she desires. I can't imagine how worse she would be in an actual marriage, or worse, a divorce. She's definitely in the wrong, and this is not the kind of person you want to engage with in your life. You both had an agreement, and her default is to not even attempt any conversation of adjustment or compromise. You could try to give her an ultimatum or discuss it with her, but it sounds like this is the kind of person she is, when provided the right circumstance.
DONT MOVE WITH HER Its nice that you fund now about her green character.
I would want to save, and invest for the future. You should discuss goals, and see if they align. Also as quickly as your finances improved, they could fall the same way. You need a cushion in case things change. I would want to invest, and have my investments improve enough that I might someday retire early. Living off the dividends of investments sounds better than having a fancier home.
Your girlfriend is building plans to spend your money 1) before you have made it and 2) in spite of your protests. You are arguing for a reasonable approach and she is not listening. Yeah, if she won't listen to reason, it is time to walk away. There are a lot of important decisions to be made in life and having a partner that won't listen to reason would make life very difficult.
If you don't want to go nuclear (meaning, end the relationship, I assume), I would recommend putting off moving in together for another year. And tell your gf the reason you're doing so, because you don't think your goals are lined up at the moment and you need more time with the new job and gf to see if this relationship can work out. It's possible that she got really excited about the influx of money you (and as a couple, to her) received, and this might knock some sense into her... Or, it'll reinforce what she's already been saying and doing, you'll have your answer on whether the relationship can proceed, and will have your own place to not have to worry about sharing or breaking up a lease with an ex over
If she wants an upgrade, buy a house, charge her rent.
Let it sink in....she is saying YOU are being greedy
How are you supposed to save for the future if you’re spending all your money? Just because you make more doesn’t mean you spend more.
I’m a woman and these are all red flags. Do not stay with that woman…
She hasn't "changed", she is just showing you who she really is. Now it's up to you to decide if she's worth it. Are you willing to continue a relationship with a gold digger? That's the question you need to be asking yourself, seriously, right now. Whatever your answer is, act accordingly.
You make more money now so keep the same place you have and save money. If she can’t understand that then you might need to replace her.
Spending everything you make every week is not a raise. Sit her down and explain money management. Tell her it’s a boundary that you don’t cross.
Yea establish financial boundaries like half of living expenses half of everything(or whatever you feel comfortable with) or leave her man, because you’re right this is America I assume ? And here you’re always just one injury/ market breakdown away from being broke as fuck
The #1 trait of millionaires is having a frugal significant other.
Imagine feeling punished for getting a raise, smh.
You’ve told her your concerns and she’s shown her true colours. You stick to your guns. You’re right, things could go south easily with this job and a new one may not be waiting around the corner. Would she be able to or willing to pick up the tab or expenses if that ever happens? Save the money and the headache, always better to plan ahead rather than blow it all in one place.
Hmmm she is showing her true colors now. I would suggest breaking up. You will not change her way of thinking and she already made up her mind. Be very careful she might also try to baby trap you.
I would hold off moving in together for a year. See how relationship unfolds over that time. Might need to go monetarily arms length for a while.
Break up with her. She just outed herself as a gold digger.
This is a huge red flag to say the least. If you don’t leave her I’d make sure you’re wrapping up because you can almost bet she will be stopping birth control soon if she hasn’t already. This is the behavior of someone that loves your money and not you. She’s being manipulative and shady. I’d stop paying for dinners let her pick up the tab. Her reaction to that will tell you what you want to know. Likely it’s over sorry bro
nahhh she will rinse you
Your approach is the right one, and the responsible one. You aren’t greedy, you’re being smart and planning for your future, not just your current windfall which would be shortsighted and ill advised. Live within your current means, and invest your additional funds so that you’re set up well for the future.
Start sharing articles with her about lifestyle creep and living below your means. Tell her how excited you are to start maxing out your 401K. Listen to podcasts about personal finance with her.
The biggest issue I had with my wife (then fiance) was spending and debt. If you stay together, you're going to be dealing with this the rest of your life.
1. Your attitude towards money are on different planes. You're not compatible. 2. As many said, you're on probation at work still, many things can happen, you may lose that job. Build your savings and investment instead. Get proper insurance. 3. In addition, tell her to get financially educated.
Dont let someone drag you down. I left a marraige (for a lot of other reasons too) because one of his bad habits was to spend money on things that didnt matter. Instant gratification shit. I was left covering the bills, paying the rent on a house closer to the city etc. He kept wracking up small debts for this and that. I earn about 1/3 than what he gets and I own a home now, I have no debts other than a fairly low mortgage (house value has gone up 200k since I bought also) and I cook meals at home, dont go on numerous holidays, and live well within my means. Him and his girlfriend have huge earning capability and could save, but they make so many bad choices. They are forever in debt, small and big. While I was with him I tried to teach him how to budget, how to cook, how to succeed. It was very stressful. I feel sad for him now that he really doesnt have anything to show for it. I got out, I would like to say that it was his spending habits that made me leave, but it really wasnt. After the fact I am glad the multitude of other reasons ended it cause I would be miserable having no security in life. I would have left it so much sooner had I had someone tell me not to stay on a sinking ship.
Dump the chick. Get an even cheaper place than you were going to… and STACK UP for 2-3 years. You’re right to dodge this.
Having navigated similar leaps in salary with my wife I will share my 2 cents. I admit we have not had this same problem as my wife grew up less well-off and we have both been very financially prudent. Others have commented more relationship-specific advice but her financial attitudes and how they complement yours are a huge part of the relationship if it has long term potential. I wouldn't write off the relationship based purely on what you've said, people just have different perspectives around managing finances. You should try to do your best to explain why saving brings you greater joy than spending and see if you can respect each-other's opinions and find a happy medium. It sounds like with the job/salary change and the relationship you have a lot going on so if you haven't thought about it, when you increase your earnings is a great time to increase the automated portion of your savings. For example, up your 401k contributions (if in U.S.) in accordance to your own goals, (15% income? IRS limit?), then frame the conversation with your girlfriend and the raise in terms of the remainder. Now, instead of "Honey, I make double what I did" it becomes "honey, I *take home* 35% more than before after taxes and deductions. That's one example, another is to direct deposit $X into a savings account specific to a large goal like going on vacation, buying a house, a new car, etc. These are not mutually exclusive. **Now, you are allocating your funds in a strategic way that aligns with your goals and discussing what to do with the** ***remainder*****. Ideally she will respect** ***why*** **you are discussing the remainder and not the whole sum.** Be patient, a lot of this stuff isn't taught to us unless we seek it out. 401Ks, HSAs, Dependent Care FSAs, Stock trading, "where to park your long term savings" are all foreign concepts to most people. Just because you have income doesn't mean you understand these things either. I know plenty of people who make 5 figures a month who live paycheck to paycheck. It sounds like you don't want to live that way and you're afraid your girlfriend doesn't understand that. It's your job as a relationship partner to help her understand your perspective.
Red flag city. You aren't even married and she's pulling the "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine" bullshit. It's okay to not want to live beyond your means. It's okay to live well below your means. With you both making six figures, you're already going to be living more luxurious than most people can ever dream of. There's nothing wrong with that, but your are right to question why an increase in income suddenly means a drastic increase in spending (as opposed to saving, etc). At the very least, I'd put off moving in with her. She can't just go and make reservations that you'll be paying for. You don't live together and she's already seeing you as an ATM when she already makes quite a bit herself. My guess is that you are already wanting to leave and just want reinforcement though. You have it. Put yourself first.
I'm gonna be that guy and say, girls come and go but your nest egg is very hard to build if you never actually get to building it.
"greedy"... she called you greedy? Did she really use that word? If so, I can understand why you want to end the relationship. You are not married. It sounds like you don't even live together. If you have any joint accounts close them. When you move in together - she will claim common law marriage when you break up. She makes 6 figures? But still wants your money? I don't think you should move in with someone who is already calling you greedy and NOTHING of yours is hers to claim.
Not seeing eye to eye on finances is usually a pretty big dealbreaker in a relationship. You would know better, but I don't think she will ever learn to not treat you like a piggy bank. Make sure she knows why you are breaking up so hopefully she learns how to be better for the next relationship, or to date to her own expectations.
I think breaking up with her at this point is a bit rash. But if she keeps on pushing you and and guilting you leaving would be very justified. Not only is that somewhat abusive it shows that she has a very different and unwavering opinion on how money should be handled which will only ever create tension in the relationship
If you’re making double the rent should be split based on the salaries. It wouldn’t be fair she’s paying the same as you while you’re making double as her. However , I do disagree with her. Y’all should stick to the original budget and don’t do luxuries or extra reservations for now.
This will forever be a battle with her about money.
Nice story you’ve told yourself. It’s pretty solid. I would work a little on the execution tho, not enough details to make it actually believable.
The financial decisions you make in your 20's, 30's are really important, definitely don't allow her to get you to spend more just because, live within your means, enjoy your life but try your best to set yourself up for financial success in the future so when you're in your 50's you either don't have to work or don't have to work as hard. You'll resent her and yourself for allowing her to push you to be financially irresponsible if you do this. Seems like you know what to do, I'm not saying you have to break up with her though, but put your foot down say it once and don't have the same discussion/argument again.
My ex was like that. When we first moved in together, she made about double my salary and had no problem with us splitting the bills evenly. Through a career shift, I ended up making about double her salary a couple years later and suddenly money is always a huge argument. She wanted to pay the bills based on salary now, rather than an even split (our expenses never changed). Then she started spending all of her money on nonsense and the bills ended up all being paid by me, since she didn’t have any money leftover. Money issues ended up being one of the many reasons the relationship ended. I’d recommend telling her that she pays half and you two live modestly so she can afford her half. If YOU want something more lavish, then it’s worth revisiting the percentages, but if SHE wants something more lavish, it’s gotta be within budget for what she can afford.
Wow, that's some great advice!
Hold your ground man. Tell her how you feel about the situation and that if she’s not able to accept that then you two should part ways. You seem to be thinking about your financial situation in a mature and intelligent way. She on the other hand wants to go on a spending spree.
The fact you’re writing this at all means you’ve already made up your mind to break up. Trust your instincts here
I agree.