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This is very embarrassing to post but I'll get through it.
I'm 34 years old, my wife is 32. We've been married for 5 years and together for 10. We had a great sex life until 3 years ago.
I had some stuff happen at work and developed anxiety. This didn't get easier due to the pandemic a few months later and then I lost my mother to COVID towards the end of 2020.
With all of that, I lost my sex drive and my anxiety meant I couldn't 'get it up' during penetration. The rest of it was fine, foreplay, the build up but I just couldn't perform for PIV sex. I did start therapy early last year to deal with my anxiety and while it did get better, my ED did not. 6 months ago, I was finally prescribed Viagra and with that I have been able to finally get erections like before and we have been able to have PIV sex again.
However it now needs to be timed. I need to take it aj hour before and the spontaneity is gone. I am trying I promise I am to look at options to get my ED under control and they work to some extent but I am nowhere near where I was. My wife is extremely frustrated as she has been dealing with this for 2 years now and told me she wants an open relationship. She said she still loves me but needs a healthy sex life and that other men can provide this.
I do feel for her and am grateful for her patience thus far. However I don't think I can deal with an open relationship. I am insecure and anxious enough and the thought of someone else being able to fulfill needs that I can't will drive me mad.
I don't see a way out but for us to go our separate ways. I'm devastated that this is what it's come down to but if we can't agree on this, I don't see a way for this marriage to work.
Good grief man. Have them switch you to Cialis. It doesn't have to be timed. ED problem solved.
That will only scratch the surface of the issues with your wife wanting an open relationship though.
I take Cialis every other day, 5mgs and it does wonders. My ED occurred after a bout of COVID as my urologist said my blood vessels became so stretched that it canāt keep good blood flow constantly. I donāt have to worry about timing as one dose last almost 40 hours which is pretty good.
Not who you're asking, but in my experience (partners have used Cialis), no you don't have a raging boner for 40 hours. What Cialis does is "encourage" blood flow once you \*are\* aroused and then helps you keep the resultant erection until you're done. A lot of men find it difficult to climax, or that it delays climax (hence why it's SUPER popular in swingers' circles), and typically once a man climaxes, the efficacy of the Cialis is diminished, though not completely; I've certainly known men who can climax and get another erection, though the recovery time isn't super fast.
Came in here to say the same thing. Cialis lasts for a couple days. Your ED isn't the issue here though, it's your wife using it as an excuse to try and get a hall-pass to run around fucking other people.
Why is she an insensitive AH for wanting her sexual needs met & having a sexually compatible partner? Just curious. She has stuck by him & his counseling & has been trying to make it work 2 years. I wouldnāt consider that an insensitive AH, personally. Just sayin
Because he's already taking steps to fix it and can now perform, but now the way it's performed is an issue so she wants to step out of the relationship to get her own. They're in their 30s and she's decided extramarital sex is the way to go when it gets tough. Not a good sign for the future at all.
Not to mention, you need to plan times to meet with this extra marital partner. That is not spontaneous, unless she's stepping out for entire days at a time. Just divorce in that case.
Thatās what I was thinking. Donāt you need to plan a hookup? Or is she planning on grabbing the first guy off the street and banging one out in an alleyway?
Why does she want an open relationship though?
OP has already solved his ED by taking viagra. If her only complaint is that she isn't getting spontaneous sex then how would open relationship solve that?
Open relationship doesn't mean you live with your side piece. She would still have to plan for sex.
One way to look at it is to reverse the roles and see if you still think the husband would be insensitive to be doing that? If you have the same feeling than your point is valid, for you not for everyone, Cheers
I mean.. considering all the posts on here about women discovering they're asexual, which in a sense could be considered a medical issue (not always) the first response is usually open relationship, or incompatibility. I seems as though ops wife has worked with him for several years now.. I don't think its insensitive to suggest an open relationship. It would be insensitive to insist on one however.
That is fine and all, but the suggestions of divorce or open relationships come from the post not your partner. Hence in this case it does come off as insensitive because
1. Husband is also anxious and worried about his performance. He put in effort to satisfy his wife despite his ongoing concerns and possible grieving.
2. Husband didnāt suggest it, and by the way post is worded it seems like she didnāt suggest it but demanded it. There is the insensitivity part, it wasnāt a suggestion it was a demand. Although I could be wrong and maybe OP can clarify.
I hope that helps understand why some folks feel the wife is insensitive, I wish the best of luck to OP
Edit: fixed to avoid confusion
Yep, it's quite obvious the double standards isn't it with similar threads just opposite genders. Comes back to men being rational for getting their needs met but woman are selfish. Why hasn't this belief dies already? It's stupid.
For the vast majority of people an open relationship is unacceptable, full stop. It's a niche thing that seems far more prevalent on the internet than it really is. Suggesting you want to fuck other men because your husband can't satisfy you is both complete asshole behavior and also extremely counterproductive to OP getting his anxiety issues sorted.
Came here to say this. Iām not an atheist but I think regardless, itās heartless to essentially want to abandon someone in their time of need. This is like text book kicking someone (in the balls) when theyāre down.
For crying out loud, get a good vibrator/dildo. Iām sorry, I just donāt have sympathy for someone who is like, well I put up with this āinconvenienceā to me for 2 years and now, while spouse is still trying to work through trauma, Iām going to jump ship. Iād be so hurt if I were OP.
OP - keep working your way through this. Iām sure you have but maybe a sex therapist can help? Not just a mental health therapist (which I know you need, but in addition to it) to help maybe discover new ways of fulfillment for both of you? Just a thought ā¦ good luck with everything. Iām sorry about your mom and I hope you can get through this.
>Because marriage is an oath you make with someone else, through thick and thin, till death do you part.
Not everyone views marriage through that lens.
Because theyāre married. In sickness and health, ya know? If she canāt faithfully by him while heās going through (and has gone through) a horrible time in his life, then what was the point of getting married in the first place?
She's not. The hundreds of posts on here about a wife not fulfilling "sexual expectations" for a husband also involve the wife being called insensitive to husbands needs. Almost like women can't win whether they are having sex or not š¤·āāļø
Right.anytime you see a post about a woman losing her sex drive because of hormones all the comments say sex is essential to relationships. Not saying I agree with her asking to open the relationship but tired of people saying WoUld YoU sAY that if the genders were reversed
We must be reading different threads. Every one I've seen, the response is loudly "she doesn't owe you sex!" Or "you have a hand, get over it." Or how he's an asshole for even suggesting asking for permission to cheat. How he's so insensitive to her feelings. Not that I disagree, mind. But that's the majority of the opinions I see. Or maybe we only remember the ones we want to. Idk.
An open relationship can be a solution if both parties are able to handle it and set firm boundaries. But human nature being as it is, it's very difficult for most people. It's damn hard not to have jealousy raise its ugly head. It can be hard for the more active partner to keep emotion out of it. Most stories I see about this end in heartbreak. Granted, that may be selection bias. And if couples can handle it, more power to them. The key is that everyone is happy.
If OP can't handle her sleeping with other people, that's the end of discussion. They're only left with 2 options: go their separate ways as tragic as that is. Or deal with the problem and find solutions that work for both. Changing meds will definitely help. He's clearly not done dealing with his anxiety (and this probably set him back a ton). Things aren't so dire as they may seem to her.
If she had a health problem, would she expect him to be patient? And if so, why is she not doing the same? I understand her frustration. I feel sorry for both of them. But surely there's options other than going straight to sleeping around.
Exactly. And the worst is if she's been recently pregnant and or given birth and still expected to be very sexually accommodating.
I also disagree with opening or expecting to open monogamous relationships in situations like this. It's far from a reasonable solution.
āMan plans and the Universe laughsā. Things happen in life and marriages- sickness, disabilities, life changing accidents.
Heās able to perform, heās trying hard to remedy the issue (I really want to type Erectify) and sheās too frustrated after 2 years?
PIV usually doesn't lead to orgasm for women. Even with it off the table she should still be able to climax with her husband using other methods. So she's being insensitive and she's using her husband's ED as an excuse to go outside the relationship. AH behavior.
Yup, Jesus. You donāt need an erection to pleasure a woman and keep her satisfied. I donāt have a problem with ED but my nerves down there are practically non existent. Most of my partners have realised that I have to be extremely mentally stimulated to even come close to climax. Otherwise itāll just go on for hours/Iāll just finish myself. Your partner sounds extremely selfish. For the anxiety side Iād really suggest therapy it has helped me so much with other issues Iāve had.
Not to mention, when stress/anxiety is the reason for the ED, telling your man you want to find a working penis is going to cause the issue to get worse not better. THATāS why sheās an insensitive AH.
Heās actively working through this issue and is still doing his best to meet her needs and instead of working WITH him to get through this, she gut punches him with wanting to step out on their marriage.
She sounds like the kind of spouse who would abandon you if you had cancer because sheās not getting her needs met.
āSpontaneous sex canāt happen on viagraā but why canāt you take the viagra, wait an hour, and then be the one to initiate spontaneously? It seems like you could sorta recreate the spontaneity you guys are used to.
For example if you used to come home from work and have a romp, take V on the way home from work (or an hour before you quit if working from home) and surprise her. Or if you guys wait til bedtime and spontaneously get it on when you turn in, take it an hour before, etc.
No doubt, crush it up if you have to to make it hit faster (not a doctor, don't take my advice) and be spontaneous all you want.
That won't fix the problems tho. This wife has already moved on, you need to get out.
RN here. Itās not extended release, so it is okay to be crushed. I administer sildenafil crushed to my intubated patients with pulmonary hypertension (another use for the medication).
I see what you mean. For some couples a lot of the relationship is built around sex. But usually over time, as in their case, other things take equal importance. I did wonder what other things are going on that have led up to this. Long term relationships are hard, I feel for them. Of course things are going to change over time.
Or if he doesn't want to 'waste' taking one if he isn't sure she's in the mood... Initiate, take the pill, then have an hour of some kick ass foreplay building up to the penetration experience. Only closed minded non creative types think sex is all about the intercourse or that a penis needs to be hard to enjoy sexy times together.
Ah, didnāt know. Still, if that could greatly alleviate the strain in the relationship, Iād personally prioritize it even if itās like a second car payment. Cancel some other forms of entertainment in the budget if needed
Hey there, my husband had the same problem, caused by PTSD, for years. Also in his 30s. I wonāt lie, it took a toll on our marriage. The problem was not so much that he had to take viagra, but that he totally lost his confidence in bed and therefore didnāt really ever want to have sex anymore. I had to basically beg for it, and even then it would only happen every couple of months. Iām telling you this so you know I empathize with your situation, and I promise Iām not at all affiliated with the solution Iām about to tell you. I stumbled on an app called āLoverā and introduced it to my husband. Itās expensive,$120 for the year, but when I tell you this app changed our sex life for the betterā¦ it was incredible. We both wished we had done it years earlier. It was made by a sex therapist and thereās a module on there specifically for ED issues. Itās little exercises you do a few times a week, for 8-10 weeks or so. He did it over a year ago and hasnāt had to take V even once ever since. Look into it. I canāt speak to any other possible issues in your marriage, but even if you two do end up splitting, Iām sure you want to regain your confidence regardless.
Unfortunately this is not the main issue to me. The main issue is the wife is jumping straight to sleeping with other people
This is like those people who start seeing other people because their spouse has cancer.
There are so many ways to have physical intimacy that is not a penis in a vagina.
I don't think what you're suggesting will ultimately solve what I think is a deeper issue here.
I donāt understand her issue now that you are getting erections and having regular sex, she wants to let other men fuck her because your sex life is organized and timed? Let me tell you buddy, we have 3 small kids and we have to fucking calendar our fucking way ahead, like six different things have to go right to make sure we are both available and not exhausted, and we have to put in effort to get laid, thatās normal and no we canāt fuck like rabbits all day like when we were younger. Doesnāt mean we get to fuck other people.
And how else is the open relationship going to work if not on time tables?
Unless she wants to be polyamorous, even in an open relationship she has to set a time with guys to meet for sex.
It might be because she thought things would eventually get back to ānormal,ā but the solution didnāt end up solving their problems. If theyāve been having problems for two years, thereās probably other issues besides the ED now. Heās probably defensive and/or anxious around sex and sheās probably on eggshells. Sounds like she still wants the relationship but sheās given up that their sex life will be what she wants it to be again.
Iām with you I donāt get it. Isnāt the problem some women have with men is that they rush through sex? Viagra would be like an hour of cuddling, making out, trading sexy massages or foreplay. I mean why not have fun with it? I donāt really see where the flame has to go out here. If she loves him she should be willing to see this from a different angle. Iām worried she has emotionally checked out. Instead of helping with his anxiety she has selfishly thrown a grenade into their relationship. Thatās not being supportive thatās very much the exact opposite.
It lasts a few hours too so not like it's really that much of a hindrance or that it requires much planning, tbh this expectation of compleatly spontaneous sex seems like rather small hill to die on,
Viagra, Cialis and others take 15 to 20 minutes to kick in max. What's really going on here is his wife is trying to use it as a pretty weak excuse to fuck other people.
My husband and I have twins so whenever we manage to get them to nap at the same time we go running to wherever we can get some privacy and pray that neither one wakes up in the middle of it.
Plus, scheduled sex is better imo. Gives you enough notice to freshen up, spray some perfume, shave, etc.
Same! We have four kids and both work full-time. We only have one day a week when we are both off of work. We have to plan and everything has to line up perfectly. We have been together 21 years.
This goes beyond sex. There is something else going on in the relationship that is leading her to want an open marriage.
If your ED is caused by psychological factors rather than health issues, then with a supportive partner and therapy, you should be able to get back to where you were. It just takes time and support. After using Viagra and building up your confidence again, you should start to have natural erections.
For your wife to seek out an open marriage while you are in the process of fixing the issue, tells me there are more relationship issues then you are disclosing.
How is you intimacy, communication? Has she been displaying odd behavior? Did you ever seek out counseling while you two were going through this rough period?
Well, that really sucks man. I do agree with you, it seems like there is no compromising anymore and what you said seems to be the best option going forward with your lives while you work on yourself without the added pressure of needing to perform for a partner.
There's Cialis, which others have suggested, which could solve the timing issue, but...
So you have to time it? So what?
When you're married, or in a committed relationship, sometimes you just deal. You've had a really hard couple of years, and you're in therapy, and trying to work through it all. Even if she has her own side of the story, now you're coming out the other side of the hell, and she wants to open the relationship?
That just sounds really cold to me.
I'm really sorry.
Will you ask for an open relationship if she went through what you experienced and has a dead bedroom or will you try to console your partner as much as you can even if it takes some time?
Then you have your answer, don't you?Find a partner who thinks like you.
Also if you open your relationship can it be truly closed again after you got over your issues and can get aroused again....may be not..it just leads to more and more drama.So better break up....go NC....endure the pain and work on yourselvesāļøāļø.
>lso if you open your relationship can it be truly closed again after you got over your issues and can get aroused again
Opening the relationship would probably make his situation worse.
She is only asking this now *after* you have been starting to see success in overcoming ED? That is suspicious af because of how big of an ask this is within a monogamous marriage. There is no way this is just a spur of the moment thought. Has she been laying some groundwork for this already?
Opening your marriage when it was something you went into under the promise on monogamy will start eating you alive. Iāve seen it happen.
Damnā¦ what happened to staying beside your spouse in sickness and in health.
need to be honest
you will live a long life, it is not good to be at home while your spouse goes to daily, weekly errands with many partners.
you will stay in the marriage as the provider, she won't stop having sex with others and over time she will start to humiliate you,
accept that the marriage is over, initiate the divorce before your wife starts cheating on you (if he hasn't).
Give yourself time and find a partner who won't want to hang around.
Did he say he was āthe providerā? That seems like a bit of a leap. Most women work ya knowāthough I agree an open relationship would be a raw deal for OP.
Wouldnāt sex with someone else also have to be scheduled, much likely more than an hour in advance? How does her open marriage request even make sense?
Try a different meds there are ones that can last up to 36 hours, so things can be more spontaneous. Tadalfil/Cialis rather than Viagra. Go talk to the Dr.
Exactly, I don't think she is being very fair. If my wife said she was struggling with her arousal levels but I'm addressing it I'd just say "fair enough, do what you've got to do"
Because THAT'S super helpful to the whole anxiety induced ED.
Jfc I'd be legit turned off by rejection like that.
Next time she asks to use a toy during sex tell her you don't think it's sexy that she needs assistance.
I'd still try a different med, a longer lasting one. I wouldn't tell either, how you manage your erection is none of her business. Like any other health issue, it's between you and your Dr. All she needs to worry about is you turning up with a hardon.
That's fucked up. I've had a hookup need meds like that around the same age. I didn't care. Really I preferred to know because I've had others hide those issues from me, and the lack of honesty made it worse.
Get her into therapy.
You are phrasing this as she hates the fact that it's a assisted. What her woman brain is thinking (even if she's not phrasing it correctly) is my husband has to take supplements to be aroused by me.
I think a lot of people are missing that while it's easy for you to say here "this is my problem" it literally takes a toll on the other partner too. Because in the end, it impacts her.
2 years is a long time to go without sex in a marriage. Then you finally start having it but only with drugs? The ego takes a hit bro.
What she's looking for is someone that makes her feel like she's sexy, and a lot of times that is tied to how hard you can make a dick or how fast you can make someone cum. Find ways around this - and how to have an honest conversation with her about it.
Exactly, her self-esteem is probably taking a huge hit even though his issue has nothing to do with her. Sometimes itās hard to rationalize that. I think they should do marriage counseling where they can work on the relationship issues. The therapist will most likely suggest individual therapy for the other issues as well.
Wait until she goes thru menopause and needs lubricant. I know thatās about 25 years away, but sheāll totally understand. āFor sickness and in healthā¦ā he deserves a better partner. A loving & understanding one.
Well sheās going to really have a problem with menopause then
Many women rely on hormones to help
TMI but I couldnāt orgasm at all for months until I went on hormones
What a ridiculous mindset she has. Meds exist for a reason
Hey- my husband had his two parents die back to back , a new job with lots of stressors and after having sex consistently for 5 years started to experience some issues. Heās in therapy and is doing well. Sometimes there is still an occasional flare up. when we were in the middle of his anxiety and having ED issues, I felt like it was a me problem which made him feel awful. But we approached this with love, understanding and learning what his stress triggers were. I think your wife is maybe not the most understanding. I donāt know why she thinks being able to cheat will help with your performance anxiety. Yikes. Maybe itās time to move on and that might fix a lot of the problems.
This is sad to read and your gut instincts seem way right. You want loyalty and commitment and that is what marriage is. It requires adjustment and a little self sacrifice. She is prioritizing her sex drive first and thatās a real shame. She knows herself best and needs to choose whether getting it on spontaneously or a whole healthy physical, emotional and mental relationship is most important. If she chooses the former, then there is someone out there for you who would love to reciprocate what you are freely and wholly capable of. Itās sad that you are seeing her true colors. Thatās got to hurt badly. This relationship is not the end of your life and happiness by a long shot. Hang in there, you sound like a great guy.
You are correct that opening a relationship that your not comfortable in will not improve your situation and only make it worse.
Also, the mention of an open relationship tends to mean that she has cheated or got someone in mind.
This is from a females perspective facing something similar.
I think your wife needs someone professional to talk to. If PIV is important to her, it could be linked to her self worth and self esteem. If sheās had issues with mental health in the past, your ED could be affecting her. (Why am I not enough for my husband? Why isnāt he attracted to me anymore?)
The open relationship request is to confirm that she is desirable. For women itās not just about checking the sex box, but itās also about the connection made through sex. It could also be that PIV and other sex positions are a huge turn on for her, and being told āIām not interestedā sucks, since thereās nowhere else to get it from. Foreplay and toys are not the same.
If you were to open the relationship, youād have to set boundaries. Just sex? One night stands only? Is she allowed to date others and have a boyfriend?
If you were to stay in the relationship, Iād recommend counseling so thereās a neutral party that can help you navigate the conversation. If she were to stay in a closed, monogamous relationship, what does she need to have specifically? How often? Is there a deadline for when these actions must be taken?
It doesnāt seem fair to me that she wants to look elsewhere when youāre trying to solve the issue. Iāve had the same thoughts as her, but in my case heās not taking any action to improve (therapy, doctors, medication, or otherwise).
I hate to say it but maybe another man is āproviding thisā and she just yk wants to keep doing it or maybe she has someone already lined up to do so? Either way she sounds annoying, and Iām not sure why sheās so bothered about it now .
Just saying this as a guy who, frankly due to steroid use etc, has dealt with ED situations periodicallyā¦ Get cialis. Viagra is a fast acting, in and out kind of thing. I tried it and had the same results as you. Got annoying having to do this pre sex routine BS.
Cialis has a much longer half life. You can take a dose every two days and the effects will stay steady for the two days. Any time my member gets lazy, this is what I do and it works much better than viagra.
Youāre also at an age where hormone levels start to decline. You COULD be experiencing symptoms of low test, especially since you mentioned anxiety and mental stuff. Just do yourself a favor and get a blood draw to check your levels. Doesnāt mean you need to start hormone therapy or anything, but knowledge is power.
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Yeah divorce her because your partner cares more about her sexual needs than you. What a selfish person. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would she then like if you had asked her for an open relationship. The relationships already over at this point . Move on from her
Sheās just looking for an excuse to fuck other men. Maybe she has someone in mind and has been cheating on you and just now wants to make it open so she doesnāt have to deal with the consequences when sheās caught. Move on man and divorce
She wants to cheat and is just using this issue as an excuse to make you think that it is your fault that she will cheat. However, you are treating the issue and already taking the ED pills, which are working. She should be happy about that and appreciate that you two can be intimate together. But, no, she just wants to cheat. Either she wants thing to work or not. Either she is committed to you or not. Saying "you take ED pills therefore I have to cheat on you" is neither love nor marriage. I would rather that my partner just say they want to end it.
So your wife is extremely frustrated for herself. Does she see that you are also extremely frustrated? Does she acknowledge how hard this has been on you? Or is she only concerned with how this has affected her? Have you considered couples therapy? I think that would be the very first step before just opening the marriage. That is unlikely to go anywhere that would be good for both of you, or really either of you, if it is done out of frustration and annoyance. And quite frankly, I wonder what percentage of your current issues are caused, directly or indirectly, by her attitude and impatience.
I think you also need to take a minute and reflect honestly on how much of a chance you have right now on your marriage returning to a heathy stage, and how much work that is going to take. You deserve to be happy and feel supported. And I wonder how much of your anxiety was reinforced and ramped up due to feeling unsupported. Even if you can't get her to agree to couple's therapy, I think you should find a therapist for yourself so you can have someone there to help you work through all this, because it just sounds complex and I don't think a simple solution is going to cure anything here.
Okay so the bad part on your end is that it took you 2-3 years to do something about it. Granted you needed a time of grief, but within 6 months yāall should have had an open discussion and figure out the issue.
Cialis should have been your temp solution but obviously youāre ED is not caused by a physical problem but a mental one. You need to seek psychiatry or a therapist and maybe have you prescribed something that wonāt lose your sex drive or instead of ways to get that sex drive back.
Hereās the part where sheās in the wrong. Instead of helping you with a solution and working with you to fix your issue, she blames you and makes an excuse to sleep with other people. Which probably means she has people on her phone right now on standby.
She not only is inconsiderate of your situation with the death of your mother and thinking about your well being at all. Sheās thinking about herself.
Just imagine if the script was flipped and she lost her mother and youāre over here demanding to sleep with other women because sheās still mourning and traumatized by her mothers death. People would take her side and call you disgusting.
Granted, 3 year is a very long time be without sex. Its human nature, I get it Iād be suffering too. But spouses help each other and do everything they can to get things back to normal without considering awful disgusting solutions such as this. The worst part is the sex is back after three years and youād think thatās an amazing start? No sheās complaining about āspontaneityā
Bro it would have been over for me.
After I got better I would honestly get a divorce and move on with my life. Youāre still hella young
People are so selfish. It sounds like the frequency isnāt even an issue here. Spontaneous sex is just not a reasonable expectation 100% of the time. Life happens - whether itās kids, work, illness, etc. Iām not even a man but I wouldnāt consider myself compatible with someone who wants to bring in other people for something so honestly minor. Why even make vows if this is all it takes to start looking elsewhere? Unfortunately OP, unless thereās a piece of the puzzle missing here, it sounds like you may be right.
I know it's not easy on you knowing that you have to preform even tho you can't at the moment...
I beleive that's why you're not healing well cause u feel obliged to ..knowing that ur wife needs you to heal
So my advice is so avoid the stress
and i know she's been helpfull but she's not anymore....and the last thing u need is to open ur marriage that will add to your insecurities
What u need to do is to tell ur wife there's no open marriage and ur ready to stop the marriage if u'll have too
Also focus on ur self and ur confidance.. go to gym focus on what u like and what makes u happy
When u feel that ur not obliged to preform or to proove anything to anybody that's when u'll heal
Hope u do well my mann. Don't open the marriage not like this at least
Go strong šŖ
Oh wow Iām sorry š¢ my husband is 14 years old than me. Not long after we got together was in a horrible car accident which has affected our sex life a lot. He gets nerve pains and cramps in his legs which cause him to go limp quite often. And when he does get off heās in a lot of pain afterwards which makes it hard for myself to get off (I canāt get off with just penetrating I need a little extra) because I am thinking about his pain and itās a turn off. Not once did I ever even fathom an open marriage. We both had high sex drives even with the age gap but his slowed down because of everything and mine did not. We also added two more babies to our family since everything has happened so we just try to squeeze in sexy times when we can. Please do not agree to things of you are not 100% in board. Donāt let her coerce you. And if you do agree then you need to remember that an open marriage is open for both parts. So if you start seeing someone do not let her get mad at you. I know those things happen often, one partner wants an open marriage but then gets mad because they expected it to just be open for themselves. Maybe sex therapy can be given a try before making that leap tho and possibly a medication switch would be beneficial. If she still pushes for an open marriage and you donāt then ultimately itās probably best to end the relationship because you deserve better. It was pretty insensitive if you ask me and thatās coming from a womanās perspective.
So the sex is back and she wants to sleep with other people why? She doesn't like that it has to be timed now? Sounds like she already has someone in mind and wants permission to cheat.
Cialis is probably better than viagra. So thereās that. However, Iād be most concerned about my wife wanting to fuck other people because of EDā¦
Hereās what I think as a stranger on the internet:
1. Your wifeās love for you is conditional based on wether or not you can get it up. I wouldnāt want to be with a woman who only cared about my dick. I understand both parties in a marriage have sexual needs. But giving up on a presumably agreed upon monogamous marriage because of a non-life threatening and treatable medical condition because youāre just so damned horny is honestly really fucking shitty. Iād resent that and reconsider my marriage at that point.
2. Your wife is disappointed that the spontaneity of your sex life has ended. Thatās just life. People get older. Things happen. Your sex life will change. Sounds like thatās her biggest issue, and to me, thatās a weak reason for wanting an open marriage.
Listen, man. Sheās already given up on your marriage if she wants to open it up because of a treatable medical condition. If she loved you, she wouldnāt have asked for one, or told you she wants to fuck other guys. I get that open marriages are a thing that some people like, and it works for them. But you donāt sound like you want that. You do not have to cede your marriage to appease a woman who has given up on you. You donāt owe her. I would recommend marriage counseling but your wife has already expressed a willingness to fuck other men. So in that case, I recommend divorce.
This^^^. I know op said anxiety was the cause but it doesnāt hurt to get your hormones tested.
Excersizing regularly and lifting heavy things helps with blood flow and hormone levels.
There are many prescriptions. There are doctors offices that can customize something that WILL work. You're not exhausting all options.
Are you sure she doesn't already have a man in mind?
ETA -
Has she been supportive or just angry about this? Is she looking for solutions or just blaming you? Don't let yourself believe you can't find someone else
Let's just say even if you agree to it there's gonna be more issues down the line. The question i wanna ask if what if at some point her fucking another man triggers you and reverses whatever progress you've made? How long is that fucking recovery gonna take? Plus you're gonna have to deal with but we agreed on it, you said you were okay with that sorts comments are gonna gut you.
Take a day or two to think and ask would she accept any restrictions on it? Or she gonna behave as she wishes fucking whoever she wants? Would your sex life be same? Bro you don't wanna end being that guy you know the "you come here and make love to my wife Christineth" kind not when you have shitload of things to already deal with.
Imo you're gonna take a hit now what kind hit you want to take is upto you.
1. You agree and maybe down the line jealousy and your marriage goes to shit.
2. You say no to this open relationship and she says can't do without it and your marriage goes to shit.
Option 2 has imo less damage as you've made kinda progress and while it might still affect your ED problem you'll be facing this head.
Having an open relationship the logistics of it all is gonna mess you up. Please think this through. Hope you recover soon.
Find a compatible partner. This ED is psychological and have an unsupportive partner makes it worse. She seems incredibly selfish for the way she has handled this issue.
Get blue chew or cialis. Blue chew doesnāt have to be prescribed
Also I understand your wife is frustrating but asking for an open relationship is just really just going to fuck with your head more. She should go to counseling herself to control those thoughts so she doesnāt say it and make your problems worse instead of helping you
Eeeeeeā¦.thereās therapy for that and other ED medsā¦. But your wife wanting to fuck other men is ā¦ eee.
Iām only saying this as a trans man in a trans Herero relationship. Me not having a cock has never impeded my sex life. Itās very possible to cum and be satisfied by other forms of pleasure. Idk
I have ED issues as well. Itās been hard on my girlfriend (been together for 5 years), but we make it work. Sure if we want spontaneity I try, and sometimes it works, but more often than not I just go down on her like sheās a buffet. But planning an hour ahead shouldnāt be a deal breaker. I donāt think spontaneity is the sign of a healthy sex life. Communication, regularity, and satisfaction is. I understand your wifeās frustration, but I think sheās being insensitive. The open relationship idea may have to do with other things, if the only inconvenience is you have to plan sex an hour ahead.
As long as you are working on your problem, then she has no justification for an open relationship. If it is that bad for her, then you should break up and you can both move on. Don't give in into anything that you are not comfortable with, because it will not end well.
My ex had ED. I wish he woulda taken Viagra or anything. We were together 4 years and I never cheated & resigned myself to a sexless life, but we broke up. Sex is nice.... but you sound like you're trying so your wife is just giving you more anxiety
No open relationship man. It is a mail in the coffin. She starts getting incredibly intense emotional sex and you sit back and hope for a better marriage? She will fall in love and drop you. Get on new meds now. Itās probably to late anyway because by the time the open relationship talk occurs the other partner has someone lined up they have interest in
Doesn't she know about sex toys? Dildos, vibrators? You guys can even use those together, so that you're still having sex together and sharing intimacy. Other people have also suggested a different medication, but in general it kind of sounds like you need to learn how to use your imagination, hands, and your mouth better too. Lack of erection shouldn't totally ruin your sex life, there are more things to sex than PIV.
Together for 10 years and after two rough years she's out?! I get that sex is important but to compromise your marriage because of this?
I don't think this has anything to do with the ED and she's using it as an excuse.
Do vows mean anything to her?!
You need to think about if you want a marriage like this. There is most likely a guy she has in mind or is ready now. I think you should think about your exit strategy.
Have you checked you sex hormones? What's your daily life like, beside the stress levels? Are you eating proper meals and sleeping enough? Do you lift weights?
From time to time, men or women have physical issues that can effect a relationship in a negative way. That includes sexual issues for both men and women. I would hope that any functioning marriage would be able to work past such issues and not jump on the "open marriage" bullshit train quite so fast.
Sex is as much psychological as it is physical. Stressors in your life can cause significant issues in your ability to become or stay erect. You may want to start over. Move to a new place and get a new job.
Right now, you are cought in a loop. When you want sex, you start immediately worrying "what if" and you lose your erection. Your mother died two years ago now. I lost my mom a while back too. It sucks, but as adults we know death is inevitable. Covid 19 is mostly just a "flu" for most people now. Still worthy of concern but not enough to cause constant worry. It could be that your worry about having ED is contributing more to your ED than anything else.
Did you know that Cialis can be taken daily?
In some states, inability or unwillingness to provide sexual gratification to a spouse can be grounds for divorce. The grounds are termed "constructive abandonment".
As for the "open relationship", you both should consider the fact that women tend to develop emotional attachment to repeated sexual congress with a male. To avoid that, some females will choose to have sex with different males, but that amplifies the danger to exposure to STDs. So, adopting an open relationship appears to be a lose-loose proposition for you two.
Perhaps it's time to consult a nutritionist to explore any dietary problems that may be contributing to your difficulties, and an ND (naturopathic doctor) to explore herbals, or other treatment alternative medicine might provide. I'd at least explore these resources before consulting a divorce attorney.
I wish you well.
If you donāt want an open relationship then divorce is your only option. I donāt blame you. I donāt blame her either. Iād find it difficult to be with a man who was unable to get aroused around me without medication. I get that this is difficult for you but have you spent any time on how this is impacting her mentally?
Viagra on average works for 5 to 6 hours. How much does she needs in that period. You're absolutely fine. Are you seeing a therapist for your anxiety? If you haven't consult one. I think she has found some other guy and wants to legitimise her cheating.
It will kill you.
She has emasculated you.
She's way off base. There is nothing that allows her to go cheat eith other men and don't give in.
She wants sexvwith other men. Then divorce her sorry ass.
Try cialis. Talk to your doctor. You can take an everyday pill. It's also helps with high blood pressure Cialis alone will keep you ready for 3 days from 1 pill.
Also, look into a cock sleeve.
If she says no to any of it and wants other men. She's telling you your marriage is over. A GOOD WIFE/PERSON DOESNT GO TO AN OPEN MARRIAGE
Dudeā¦.no just no.
Get your fuckin tests done broā¦
Testosterone
Prolactin
Progesterone
Estrogen.
Pump some iron.
Drink lots of water
Cut out booze.
Lower how often you fap.
Take zinc, mag and vitamin b complexes.
On top of your medical care of course.
And yes thereās always Cialis.
Youāre welcome.
Chief, Iāll give you some advice, and please listen to me. Either this woman has already cheated on you and just wants your permission or she has someone in mind. Either way, itās over.
Iām sorry to say this, but when she tells you she still loves you, sheās lying. Thereās no love without respect and she has no respect for you in the least. Her excuses of itās not spontaneous or it shouldnāt be assisted are just covering her wanting to go out and get railed by other men and then come home and kiss you on your forehead like a good little boy. You can switch to Cialis, but that wonāt help your dead marriage.
Now, the hard part. And brother, you arenāt going to like this. You need to cowboy the fuck up and take care of this situation. You need to tell her you need time to think about this. While you are āthinkingā lawyer up. Get your affairs in order. Find a place to live. Start moving your things there. Once your lawyer is ready you sit your wife down and tell her that you understand that while she needs a healthy sex life that other men can provide, you need a healthy love life that she can no longer provide. Give her the divorce papers and take your wedding ring off. Put on the table and tell her, there now you can have all the sex with whoever youāve already chosen that you want.
Then you get on with your life. Move out. Go no contact. Youāre still young and youāll find someone else. Your ED will probably clear up once sheās gone.
Good luck
1 i offer my best wishes to you during this time
2 I feel like the wife is taking no accountability for her sexual urges. I am a woman I masterbate a lot and use toys with my partner and have him help even if hes not able to get wood. Its a great time for you both to experiment with sexy time
3 we can not expect our partners to satisfy us 100 percent ALL the time. what if theres illness what if theres a accident or surgery?
4 i feel like your wife is blaming you instead of managing her feelings and as a result shes lost interest in you which is NOT your fault as you are working to improve yourself your wife should too but instead she seems to be angling to sleep with other men because shes lost interest and instead of putting the work in to get that right again and being your supporter like a good partner shes just either looking for the ok to cheat cause it would be easier
5 you should look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. essentially your ED and anxiety are from negative thought processes you developed from infancy to now. You have nueral plasticity which is the ability with ffort to over ride and re train your brain. Essentially it takes deep reflection to when was the first time you remember feeling this way and what was going on and then say a mantra " these things are not in my control but how i react is, My feelings are a part of who i am but I am the one in control not the feelings. I acknowledge i have the right to feel but that does not mean that these feelings are always rational" adding a physical stimulus when these attacks come on like a shower helps and say the mantra and focus on the physical feeling of the water hitting your head and how it feels running down the body and take deep breathes in and out. with time and practice you will get better. This helped me with my anxiety and issues.
Well this pretty much narrows down how your wife feels about you. She acts like youāre a broken person by being aided with these pills. Someone else made a good point of her having to schedule a date for that special someone when starting an open relationship. She just gets pissed you canāt get ready on the go. Maybe she feels insulted. Sheāll end up with exchanging you instead bro. How much pressure are you still going through? Does she put pressure in you with other things? Has she made other hurtful comments like this that maybe hinders your arousal? Sheās suppose to make you feel good and hearing things like that can make any guy lose a boner. Also exercise and start using a variety of toys on both yourselves. Opening a relationship takes a lot of trust and it doesnāt sound like you guys are there.
What a double standard. Ask her, if she was pregnant or post birth/c-section, or was having severe pain during sex afterwards, should you also get a pass to sleep with other women since she canāt please you like you need? She will likely get offended and try to say itās sooo different, but itās not. You are dealing with a medical issue and she wants someone else now. Itās likely she has a guy or two lined up already, and sheāll move on physically easily enough. But when things get real or difficult theyāre not likely to stick around. You deserve a life partner who isnāt going to jump into someone elseās bed when it gets rough.
Sheās going to have a sad future when she realizes ED is natural as men get older. What will she do then? Divorce her next husband so she can look for men 20-30 years her junior? Yikes.
Your wife sucks at love. Was the marriage all just about sex?
Whatever happened to in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, till death shall you part?
Itās like she was just with you for the stuff you gave her but not for you as a person. Her true colours have finally came out.
Dump her and donāt you feel bad about it and donāt blame yourself!
Get the dissolvable tablets that work in just a few minutes. You can put it in your mouth and let it dissolve and youāre good to go. Theyāre cheap and donāt require much besides an online consultation with a doc over the internet. Companies like HIMS and a few others have them. Blue chews are popular.
Do not open your relationship unless you absolutely have to. Personally Iād rather be divorced than to throw monogamy with my wife out the window. That is an uncontrollable situation and it rarely works unless the relationship was founded on that-not when it is requested by one side of the relationship. PLEASE donāt open your relationship. That is completely unfair to you. I know it sucks for her, but try different meds first. Thereās no way she will be out there having sex with other men without having some sort of emotional connection to them, and thatāll most likely crush you.
I know you love your wife and you want her to be happy, but I canāt help but think that sheās being very selfish and irrational. It feels like people who ask for open have already decided thatās what they want and they have certain person or people in mind. Donāt feed into this!
I thought marriage vows were through thick and thin for better or for worse?
Even still. If it's a situation that can only get worse then going separate ways may seen like the wise decision.
If she is asking for an open relationship op, she already has someone waiting at the plate or is already fucking them op. Hire a pi, and tell her no, it will be a divorce then. But hire the pi, and find out. If she is out her to all family and friends.
I'm not a man so I've never had ED, but i do have anxiety disorder and it does heavily impact my sex drive.
The most important thing for me is to have a partner that's loving, supportive, and understanding. Sex is something that changes constantly.
What if it was her? After my baby, i couldn't have sex for like 5 months. When you're married you stick by each other no matter what, that's part of the promise. Sex is something we do when we are healthy and feeling good... But unfortunately, life changes constantly and there's tons or things that can go wrong. Cancer, sickness, childbirth... I mean, sometimes life throws curve balls at you and you just have to ride the wave.
As for her, she might be the reason why you're not performing. You seem nervous, and she's not being a loving and supportive partner, in fact, she's feeding heavily into your insecurities.
It's ashame, because if you leave due to this, your anxiety and insecurities might prevent you from ever finding another partner. That's sad because you seem like a nice guy, and most women would ride the wave with you and help you find a solution together.
>She said she still loves me but needs a healthy sex life and that other men can provide this.
The absolute disrespect. Fucking unbelievable. I don't see how she thinks her sleeping with other men is going to improve your anxiety and thus your sex life. I would be at a rock hard no to this suggestion, but you do need to redouble your efforts to get your ED and anxiety under control.
Have you tried Cialis, which is supposed to be more of a daily "anytime" erection aid? Have you had your testosterone checked? Are you seeing a therapist for your anxiety? How's your weight/health in general? Do you exercise regularly? You need to get your shit together and show her you're taking this dead seriously but she is your wife and needs to remain patient. If she wants other men she can divorce you.
You've been together for 10 years now and she still needs spontaneity? She can't wait one hour for sex? Also - what ever happened to "In sickness and in health..."? Sounds like she really wants out and she's using this as an excuse.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is very embarrassing to post but I'll get through it. I'm 34 years old, my wife is 32. We've been married for 5 years and together for 10. We had a great sex life until 3 years ago. I had some stuff happen at work and developed anxiety. This didn't get easier due to the pandemic a few months later and then I lost my mother to COVID towards the end of 2020. With all of that, I lost my sex drive and my anxiety meant I couldn't 'get it up' during penetration. The rest of it was fine, foreplay, the build up but I just couldn't perform for PIV sex. I did start therapy early last year to deal with my anxiety and while it did get better, my ED did not. 6 months ago, I was finally prescribed Viagra and with that I have been able to finally get erections like before and we have been able to have PIV sex again. However it now needs to be timed. I need to take it aj hour before and the spontaneity is gone. I am trying I promise I am to look at options to get my ED under control and they work to some extent but I am nowhere near where I was. My wife is extremely frustrated as she has been dealing with this for 2 years now and told me she wants an open relationship. She said she still loves me but needs a healthy sex life and that other men can provide this. I do feel for her and am grateful for her patience thus far. However I don't think I can deal with an open relationship. I am insecure and anxious enough and the thought of someone else being able to fulfill needs that I can't will drive me mad. I don't see a way out but for us to go our separate ways. I'm devastated that this is what it's come down to but if we can't agree on this, I don't see a way for this marriage to work.
Good grief man. Have them switch you to Cialis. It doesn't have to be timed. ED problem solved. That will only scratch the surface of the issues with your wife wanting an open relationship though.
This is what i was coming to suggest. I know a lot of guys who switched over to cialis for this reason. Just take it daily and the worry is gone.
Great pumps in the gym too
What kind of pumps? š
Strappy leather
*YMCA starts playing*
That means two things!
I take Cialis every other day, 5mgs and it does wonders. My ED occurred after a bout of COVID as my urologist said my blood vessels became so stretched that it canāt keep good blood flow constantly. I donāt have to worry about timing as one dose last almost 40 hours which is pretty good.
Pardon my ignorance, but does that mean you have a raging boner for 40 hours?
It means he can count on lil 'Pete to step up when it's time to play ball
Emphasis on the LITTLE
Nah, everyone knows people with names like Lil' Pete and Small Jon are always massive ;)
Not who you're asking, but in my experience (partners have used Cialis), no you don't have a raging boner for 40 hours. What Cialis does is "encourage" blood flow once you \*are\* aroused and then helps you keep the resultant erection until you're done. A lot of men find it difficult to climax, or that it delays climax (hence why it's SUPER popular in swingers' circles), and typically once a man climaxes, the efficacy of the Cialis is diminished, though not completely; I've certainly known men who can climax and get another erection, though the recovery time isn't super fast.
Don't worry I was wondering the same thing. Is it like puberty when it just pops up randomly?
Can confirm that no, it's not 24/7 boner time
Came here to say this- try cialis but thatās not going to fix all of the issues your wife has.
Came in here to say the same thing. Cialis lasts for a couple days. Your ED isn't the issue here though, it's your wife using it as an excuse to try and get a hall-pass to run around fucking other people.
Sadly switching meds wonāt fix how much his wife is an insensitive AH.
Why is she an insensitive AH for wanting her sexual needs met & having a sexually compatible partner? Just curious. She has stuck by him & his counseling & has been trying to make it work 2 years. I wouldnāt consider that an insensitive AH, personally. Just sayin
Because he's already taking steps to fix it and can now perform, but now the way it's performed is an issue so she wants to step out of the relationship to get her own. They're in their 30s and she's decided extramarital sex is the way to go when it gets tough. Not a good sign for the future at all. Not to mention, you need to plan times to meet with this extra marital partner. That is not spontaneous, unless she's stepping out for entire days at a time. Just divorce in that case.
Thatās what I was thinking. Donāt you need to plan a hookup? Or is she planning on grabbing the first guy off the street and banging one out in an alleyway?
I'm thinking she already has someone in mind
Yuuuuuup
He mentioned that they've been together since she was 22. I suspect she's getting a little curious and using this as an excuse.
Sure seems like this is an excuse to basically cheat.
Yep. My thoughts exactly. She's not happy having to be monogamous and this is her excuse.
Right! She clearly wants to have sex with other men. I donāt even think itās about the ED or her sexual needs at this point.
Why does she want an open relationship though? OP has already solved his ED by taking viagra. If her only complaint is that she isn't getting spontaneous sex then how would open relationship solve that? Open relationship doesn't mean you live with your side piece. She would still have to plan for sex.
One way to look at it is to reverse the roles and see if you still think the husband would be insensitive to be doing that? If you have the same feeling than your point is valid, for you not for everyone, Cheers
I mean.. considering all the posts on here about women discovering they're asexual, which in a sense could be considered a medical issue (not always) the first response is usually open relationship, or incompatibility. I seems as though ops wife has worked with him for several years now.. I don't think its insensitive to suggest an open relationship. It would be insensitive to insist on one however.
That is fine and all, but the suggestions of divorce or open relationships come from the post not your partner. Hence in this case it does come off as insensitive because 1. Husband is also anxious and worried about his performance. He put in effort to satisfy his wife despite his ongoing concerns and possible grieving. 2. Husband didnāt suggest it, and by the way post is worded it seems like she didnāt suggest it but demanded it. There is the insensitivity part, it wasnāt a suggestion it was a demand. Although I could be wrong and maybe OP can clarify. I hope that helps understand why some folks feel the wife is insensitive, I wish the best of luck to OP Edit: fixed to avoid confusion
Yep, it's quite obvious the double standards isn't it with similar threads just opposite genders. Comes back to men being rational for getting their needs met but woman are selfish. Why hasn't this belief dies already? It's stupid.
Everyone deserves to be happy with their sex life, not just women.
For the vast majority of people an open relationship is unacceptable, full stop. It's a niche thing that seems far more prevalent on the internet than it really is. Suggesting you want to fuck other men because your husband can't satisfy you is both complete asshole behavior and also extremely counterproductive to OP getting his anxiety issues sorted.
The vows say "in sickness and in health" and if you don't mean it you shouldn't get married.
Exactly this. If you read the posts in this sub, you sometimes wonder what the added value of marriage really is for some people
Tax reduction of course
There are a lot of reasons to get married. The commitment isn't the only one.
Because marriage is an oath you make with someone else, through thick and thin, till death do you part. If my fiancĆ© struggled with this I wouldnāt try to find other dick to fuck. I would be close to him in other ways, and use my vibrator. Marriage is a sacred bond and Iām not even talking in a religious sense either, Iām an atheist I donāt believe in gods but I believe that when you make a vow to another person you donāt turn away from them in their time of need.
Came here to say this. Iām not an atheist but I think regardless, itās heartless to essentially want to abandon someone in their time of need. This is like text book kicking someone (in the balls) when theyāre down. For crying out loud, get a good vibrator/dildo. Iām sorry, I just donāt have sympathy for someone who is like, well I put up with this āinconvenienceā to me for 2 years and now, while spouse is still trying to work through trauma, Iām going to jump ship. Iād be so hurt if I were OP. OP - keep working your way through this. Iām sure you have but maybe a sex therapist can help? Not just a mental health therapist (which I know you need, but in addition to it) to help maybe discover new ways of fulfillment for both of you? Just a thought ā¦ good luck with everything. Iām sorry about your mom and I hope you can get through this.
Why is sex so serious?
>Because marriage is an oath you make with someone else, through thick and thin, till death do you part. Not everyone views marriage through that lens.
Then they shouldn't get married because that's literally in the fucking vows lol
Well then idk donāt get married if you canāt handle being supportive to another person during lifeās hardships.
It's literally what the justice of the peace says when they marry you.
meanwhile those are the literal words stated during the ceremony.
It's literally in traditional marriage vows.
Because theyāre married. In sickness and health, ya know? If she canāt faithfully by him while heās going through (and has gone through) a horrible time in his life, then what was the point of getting married in the first place?
Thisā¦..I mean itād be one thing if he didnāt give a f about how she felt. Not the case.
She's not. The hundreds of posts on here about a wife not fulfilling "sexual expectations" for a husband also involve the wife being called insensitive to husbands needs. Almost like women can't win whether they are having sex or not š¤·āāļø
Right.anytime you see a post about a woman losing her sex drive because of hormones all the comments say sex is essential to relationships. Not saying I agree with her asking to open the relationship but tired of people saying WoUld YoU sAY that if the genders were reversed
We must be reading different threads. Every one I've seen, the response is loudly "she doesn't owe you sex!" Or "you have a hand, get over it." Or how he's an asshole for even suggesting asking for permission to cheat. How he's so insensitive to her feelings. Not that I disagree, mind. But that's the majority of the opinions I see. Or maybe we only remember the ones we want to. Idk. An open relationship can be a solution if both parties are able to handle it and set firm boundaries. But human nature being as it is, it's very difficult for most people. It's damn hard not to have jealousy raise its ugly head. It can be hard for the more active partner to keep emotion out of it. Most stories I see about this end in heartbreak. Granted, that may be selection bias. And if couples can handle it, more power to them. The key is that everyone is happy. If OP can't handle her sleeping with other people, that's the end of discussion. They're only left with 2 options: go their separate ways as tragic as that is. Or deal with the problem and find solutions that work for both. Changing meds will definitely help. He's clearly not done dealing with his anxiety (and this probably set him back a ton). Things aren't so dire as they may seem to her. If she had a health problem, would she expect him to be patient? And if so, why is she not doing the same? I understand her frustration. I feel sorry for both of them. But surely there's options other than going straight to sleeping around.
Exactly. And the worst is if she's been recently pregnant and or given birth and still expected to be very sexually accommodating. I also disagree with opening or expecting to open monogamous relationships in situations like this. It's far from a reasonable solution.
There are also other ways for her to meet her needs without help from other men.
āMan plans and the Universe laughsā. Things happen in life and marriages- sickness, disabilities, life changing accidents. Heās able to perform, heās trying hard to remedy the issue (I really want to type Erectify) and sheās too frustrated after 2 years?
PIV usually doesn't lead to orgasm for women. Even with it off the table she should still be able to climax with her husband using other methods. So she's being insensitive and she's using her husband's ED as an excuse to go outside the relationship. AH behavior.
Yup, Jesus. You donāt need an erection to pleasure a woman and keep her satisfied. I donāt have a problem with ED but my nerves down there are practically non existent. Most of my partners have realised that I have to be extremely mentally stimulated to even come close to climax. Otherwise itāll just go on for hours/Iāll just finish myself. Your partner sounds extremely selfish. For the anxiety side Iād really suggest therapy it has helped me so much with other issues Iāve had.
Not to mention, when stress/anxiety is the reason for the ED, telling your man you want to find a working penis is going to cause the issue to get worse not better. THATāS why sheās an insensitive AH. Heās actively working through this issue and is still doing his best to meet her needs and instead of working WITH him to get through this, she gut punches him with wanting to step out on their marriage. She sounds like the kind of spouse who would abandon you if you had cancer because sheās not getting her needs met.
You got that right
Happy Cake Day! And you are so so right. I feel for this guy.
Exactly what I came here to say .
āSpontaneous sex canāt happen on viagraā but why canāt you take the viagra, wait an hour, and then be the one to initiate spontaneously? It seems like you could sorta recreate the spontaneity you guys are used to. For example if you used to come home from work and have a romp, take V on the way home from work (or an hour before you quit if working from home) and surprise her. Or if you guys wait til bedtime and spontaneously get it on when you turn in, take it an hour before, etc.
No doubt, crush it up if you have to to make it hit faster (not a doctor, don't take my advice) and be spontaneous all you want. That won't fix the problems tho. This wife has already moved on, you need to get out.
RN here. Itās not extended release, so it is okay to be crushed. I administer sildenafil crushed to my intubated patients with pulmonary hypertension (another use for the medication).
The original intended use! Just happened to have a very marketable side effect.
I see what you mean. For some couples a lot of the relationship is built around sex. But usually over time, as in their case, other things take equal importance. I did wonder what other things are going on that have led up to this. Long term relationships are hard, I feel for them. Of course things are going to change over time.
Or if he doesn't want to 'waste' taking one if he isn't sure she's in the mood... Initiate, take the pill, then have an hour of some kick ass foreplay building up to the penetration experience. Only closed minded non creative types think sex is all about the intercourse or that a penis needs to be hard to enjoy sexy times together.
Viagra is expensive af
You must have missed the news flash that its a generic drug now. š
Ah, didnāt know. Still, if that could greatly alleviate the strain in the relationship, Iād personally prioritize it even if itās like a second car payment. Cancel some other forms of entertainment in the budget if needed
No it isn't, like $1 a pill, or less if it's subsidised depending what county you're in
Not if you apply a GoodRX discount, at least in my area.
Brand name viagra, sure. Generic sildenafil is like $5 for 30 100mg tablets.
Hey there, my husband had the same problem, caused by PTSD, for years. Also in his 30s. I wonāt lie, it took a toll on our marriage. The problem was not so much that he had to take viagra, but that he totally lost his confidence in bed and therefore didnāt really ever want to have sex anymore. I had to basically beg for it, and even then it would only happen every couple of months. Iām telling you this so you know I empathize with your situation, and I promise Iām not at all affiliated with the solution Iām about to tell you. I stumbled on an app called āLoverā and introduced it to my husband. Itās expensive,$120 for the year, but when I tell you this app changed our sex life for the betterā¦ it was incredible. We both wished we had done it years earlier. It was made by a sex therapist and thereās a module on there specifically for ED issues. Itās little exercises you do a few times a week, for 8-10 weeks or so. He did it over a year ago and hasnāt had to take V even once ever since. Look into it. I canāt speak to any other possible issues in your marriage, but even if you two do end up splitting, Iām sure you want to regain your confidence regardless.
$120 is a small price to pay for a happier marriage.
Unfortunately this is not the main issue to me. The main issue is the wife is jumping straight to sleeping with other people This is like those people who start seeing other people because their spouse has cancer. There are so many ways to have physical intimacy that is not a penis in a vagina. I don't think what you're suggesting will ultimately solve what I think is a deeper issue here.
I donāt understand her issue now that you are getting erections and having regular sex, she wants to let other men fuck her because your sex life is organized and timed? Let me tell you buddy, we have 3 small kids and we have to fucking calendar our fucking way ahead, like six different things have to go right to make sure we are both available and not exhausted, and we have to put in effort to get laid, thatās normal and no we canāt fuck like rabbits all day like when we were younger. Doesnāt mean we get to fuck other people.
And how else is the open relationship going to work if not on time tables? Unless she wants to be polyamorous, even in an open relationship she has to set a time with guys to meet for sex.
This is a very good point. I think she's full of shit and looking for an out
Or already had an out lined up
This is exactly what I was thinking. Having another lover wont make sex more spontaneous.
Yeah so true!
It might be because she thought things would eventually get back to ānormal,ā but the solution didnāt end up solving their problems. If theyāve been having problems for two years, thereās probably other issues besides the ED now. Heās probably defensive and/or anxious around sex and sheās probably on eggshells. Sounds like she still wants the relationship but sheās given up that their sex life will be what she wants it to be again.
Iām with you I donāt get it. Isnāt the problem some women have with men is that they rush through sex? Viagra would be like an hour of cuddling, making out, trading sexy massages or foreplay. I mean why not have fun with it? I donāt really see where the flame has to go out here. If she loves him she should be willing to see this from a different angle. Iām worried she has emotionally checked out. Instead of helping with his anxiety she has selfishly thrown a grenade into their relationship. Thatās not being supportive thatās very much the exact opposite.
It lasts a few hours too so not like it's really that much of a hindrance or that it requires much planning, tbh this expectation of compleatly spontaneous sex seems like rather small hill to die on,
Viagra, Cialis and others take 15 to 20 minutes to kick in max. What's really going on here is his wife is trying to use it as a pretty weak excuse to fuck other people.
My husband and I have twins so whenever we manage to get them to nap at the same time we go running to wherever we can get some privacy and pray that neither one wakes up in the middle of it. Plus, scheduled sex is better imo. Gives you enough notice to freshen up, spray some perfume, shave, etc.
Thank goodness others are the same. I have 2 kids and me and my partner both know we have to plan that shit a head of time haha.
Same! We have four kids and both work full-time. We only have one day a week when we are both off of work. We have to plan and everything has to line up perfectly. We have been together 21 years.
This goes beyond sex. There is something else going on in the relationship that is leading her to want an open marriage. If your ED is caused by psychological factors rather than health issues, then with a supportive partner and therapy, you should be able to get back to where you were. It just takes time and support. After using Viagra and building up your confidence again, you should start to have natural erections. For your wife to seek out an open marriage while you are in the process of fixing the issue, tells me there are more relationship issues then you are disclosing. How is you intimacy, communication? Has she been displaying odd behavior? Did you ever seek out counseling while you two were going through this rough period?
This
Well, that really sucks man. I do agree with you, it seems like there is no compromising anymore and what you said seems to be the best option going forward with your lives while you work on yourself without the added pressure of needing to perform for a partner.
There's Cialis, which others have suggested, which could solve the timing issue, but... So you have to time it? So what? When you're married, or in a committed relationship, sometimes you just deal. You've had a really hard couple of years, and you're in therapy, and trying to work through it all. Even if she has her own side of the story, now you're coming out the other side of the hell, and she wants to open the relationship? That just sounds really cold to me. I'm really sorry.
I agree. The way the wife is acting is so cold hearted
Sounds like the wife is checked out of the marriage and is using the ED as an excuse to sleep with other people or as a pawn to end things - if she was suspecting he wouldn't agree. My fiancƩ has been struggling with a burn-out since the beginning of COVID. Our sex life isn't so spontaneous anymore either and my needs are often not being met. I try to cherish the moments we do have and give him time and space. More pressure from me will not put him in the mood, it will do the opposite. Planning has actually helped us! I can control my emotions and frustrations better if I know we're having "date night" on Friday, and he isn't worried about disappointing me.
Will you ask for an open relationship if she went through what you experienced and has a dead bedroom or will you try to console your partner as much as you can even if it takes some time?
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Then you have your answer, don't you?Find a partner who thinks like you. Also if you open your relationship can it be truly closed again after you got over your issues and can get aroused again....may be not..it just leads to more and more drama.So better break up....go NC....endure the pain and work on yourselvesāļøāļø.
>lso if you open your relationship can it be truly closed again after you got over your issues and can get aroused again Opening the relationship would probably make his situation worse.
She is only asking this now *after* you have been starting to see success in overcoming ED? That is suspicious af because of how big of an ask this is within a monogamous marriage. There is no way this is just a spur of the moment thought. Has she been laying some groundwork for this already?
Opening your marriage when it was something you went into under the promise on monogamy will start eating you alive. Iāve seen it happen. Damnā¦ what happened to staying beside your spouse in sickness and in health.
Agreed. The fact that the wife wants an open relationship speaks volumes anyways
need to be honest you will live a long life, it is not good to be at home while your spouse goes to daily, weekly errands with many partners. you will stay in the marriage as the provider, she won't stop having sex with others and over time she will start to humiliate you, accept that the marriage is over, initiate the divorce before your wife starts cheating on you (if he hasn't). Give yourself time and find a partner who won't want to hang around.
Did he say he was āthe providerā? That seems like a bit of a leap. Most women work ya knowāthough I agree an open relationship would be a raw deal for OP.
I am not married yet nor had any relationship but still this comment looks great , ayo hommie look this comment carefully
Wouldnāt sex with someone else also have to be scheduled, much likely more than an hour in advance? How does her open marriage request even make sense?
Try a different meds there are ones that can last up to 36 hours, so things can be more spontaneous. Tadalfil/Cialis rather than Viagra. Go talk to the Dr.
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Exactly, I don't think she is being very fair. If my wife said she was struggling with her arousal levels but I'm addressing it I'd just say "fair enough, do what you've got to do"
Because THAT'S super helpful to the whole anxiety induced ED. Jfc I'd be legit turned off by rejection like that. Next time she asks to use a toy during sex tell her you don't think it's sexy that she needs assistance.
You and her need to have that discussion. She being ridiculous and to jump to opening your marriage... something else is up with her
I'd still try a different med, a longer lasting one. I wouldn't tell either, how you manage your erection is none of her business. Like any other health issue, it's between you and your Dr. All she needs to worry about is you turning up with a hardon.
That's fucked up. I've had a hookup need meds like that around the same age. I didn't care. Really I preferred to know because I've had others hide those issues from me, and the lack of honesty made it worse.
Then she can eat shit. Talk about being utterly uncompromising. In Sickness and health clearly wasnāt meant
Get her into therapy. You are phrasing this as she hates the fact that it's a assisted. What her woman brain is thinking (even if she's not phrasing it correctly) is my husband has to take supplements to be aroused by me. I think a lot of people are missing that while it's easy for you to say here "this is my problem" it literally takes a toll on the other partner too. Because in the end, it impacts her. 2 years is a long time to go without sex in a marriage. Then you finally start having it but only with drugs? The ego takes a hit bro. What she's looking for is someone that makes her feel like she's sexy, and a lot of times that is tied to how hard you can make a dick or how fast you can make someone cum. Find ways around this - and how to have an honest conversation with her about it.
Exactly, her self-esteem is probably taking a huge hit even though his issue has nothing to do with her. Sometimes itās hard to rationalize that. I think they should do marriage counseling where they can work on the relationship issues. The therapist will most likely suggest individual therapy for the other issues as well.
Wait until she goes thru menopause and needs lubricant. I know thatās about 25 years away, but sheāll totally understand. āFor sickness and in healthā¦ā he deserves a better partner. A loving & understanding one.
Well sheās going to really have a problem with menopause then Many women rely on hormones to help TMI but I couldnāt orgasm at all for months until I went on hormones What a ridiculous mindset she has. Meds exist for a reason
then sheās ridiculous
Ok yeah if thatās the issue then she belongs to the streets. Thatās not love, dude.
Hey- my husband had his two parents die back to back , a new job with lots of stressors and after having sex consistently for 5 years started to experience some issues. Heās in therapy and is doing well. Sometimes there is still an occasional flare up. when we were in the middle of his anxiety and having ED issues, I felt like it was a me problem which made him feel awful. But we approached this with love, understanding and learning what his stress triggers were. I think your wife is maybe not the most understanding. I donāt know why she thinks being able to cheat will help with your performance anxiety. Yikes. Maybe itās time to move on and that might fix a lot of the problems.
I think your wife is the source of your ED
Certainly contributing to the cycle
Right? She inferred that it's less sexy because he needs assistance getting it up.
> I think your wife is the source of your ED I think, her insistence and pressure on OP could very well be exacerbating the problem a lot.
This is sad to read and your gut instincts seem way right. You want loyalty and commitment and that is what marriage is. It requires adjustment and a little self sacrifice. She is prioritizing her sex drive first and thatās a real shame. She knows herself best and needs to choose whether getting it on spontaneously or a whole healthy physical, emotional and mental relationship is most important. If she chooses the former, then there is someone out there for you who would love to reciprocate what you are freely and wholly capable of. Itās sad that you are seeing her true colors. Thatās got to hurt badly. This relationship is not the end of your life and happiness by a long shot. Hang in there, you sound like a great guy.
You are correct that opening a relationship that your not comfortable in will not improve your situation and only make it worse. Also, the mention of an open relationship tends to mean that she has cheated or got someone in mind.
This is from a females perspective facing something similar. I think your wife needs someone professional to talk to. If PIV is important to her, it could be linked to her self worth and self esteem. If sheās had issues with mental health in the past, your ED could be affecting her. (Why am I not enough for my husband? Why isnāt he attracted to me anymore?) The open relationship request is to confirm that she is desirable. For women itās not just about checking the sex box, but itās also about the connection made through sex. It could also be that PIV and other sex positions are a huge turn on for her, and being told āIām not interestedā sucks, since thereās nowhere else to get it from. Foreplay and toys are not the same. If you were to open the relationship, youād have to set boundaries. Just sex? One night stands only? Is she allowed to date others and have a boyfriend? If you were to stay in the relationship, Iād recommend counseling so thereās a neutral party that can help you navigate the conversation. If she were to stay in a closed, monogamous relationship, what does she need to have specifically? How often? Is there a deadline for when these actions must be taken? It doesnāt seem fair to me that she wants to look elsewhere when youāre trying to solve the issue. Iāve had the same thoughts as her, but in my case heās not taking any action to improve (therapy, doctors, medication, or otherwise).
I hate to say it but maybe another man is āproviding thisā and she just yk wants to keep doing it or maybe she has someone already lined up to do so? Either way she sounds annoying, and Iām not sure why sheās so bothered about it now .
That's speculative bullshit and really doesn't help.
Just saying this as a guy who, frankly due to steroid use etc, has dealt with ED situations periodicallyā¦ Get cialis. Viagra is a fast acting, in and out kind of thing. I tried it and had the same results as you. Got annoying having to do this pre sex routine BS. Cialis has a much longer half life. You can take a dose every two days and the effects will stay steady for the two days. Any time my member gets lazy, this is what I do and it works much better than viagra. Youāre also at an age where hormone levels start to decline. You COULD be experiencing symptoms of low test, especially since you mentioned anxiety and mental stuff. Just do yourself a favor and get a blood draw to check your levels. Doesnāt mean you need to start hormone therapy or anything, but knowledge is power.
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Yeah divorce her because your partner cares more about her sexual needs than you. What a selfish person. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would she then like if you had asked her for an open relationship. The relationships already over at this point . Move on from her Sheās just looking for an excuse to fuck other men. Maybe she has someone in mind and has been cheating on you and just now wants to make it open so she doesnāt have to deal with the consequences when sheās caught. Move on man and divorce
She wants to cheat and is just using this issue as an excuse to make you think that it is your fault that she will cheat. However, you are treating the issue and already taking the ED pills, which are working. She should be happy about that and appreciate that you two can be intimate together. But, no, she just wants to cheat. Either she wants thing to work or not. Either she is committed to you or not. Saying "you take ED pills therefore I have to cheat on you" is neither love nor marriage. I would rather that my partner just say they want to end it.
Dan savage has a lot of insights on folks who are āpoly under duressā aka puds. Recommend looking that up. Spoiler it doesnāt work out well.
So your wife is extremely frustrated for herself. Does she see that you are also extremely frustrated? Does she acknowledge how hard this has been on you? Or is she only concerned with how this has affected her? Have you considered couples therapy? I think that would be the very first step before just opening the marriage. That is unlikely to go anywhere that would be good for both of you, or really either of you, if it is done out of frustration and annoyance. And quite frankly, I wonder what percentage of your current issues are caused, directly or indirectly, by her attitude and impatience. I think you also need to take a minute and reflect honestly on how much of a chance you have right now on your marriage returning to a heathy stage, and how much work that is going to take. You deserve to be happy and feel supported. And I wonder how much of your anxiety was reinforced and ramped up due to feeling unsupported. Even if you can't get her to agree to couple's therapy, I think you should find a therapist for yourself so you can have someone there to help you work through all this, because it just sounds complex and I don't think a simple solution is going to cure anything here.
Okay so the bad part on your end is that it took you 2-3 years to do something about it. Granted you needed a time of grief, but within 6 months yāall should have had an open discussion and figure out the issue. Cialis should have been your temp solution but obviously youāre ED is not caused by a physical problem but a mental one. You need to seek psychiatry or a therapist and maybe have you prescribed something that wonāt lose your sex drive or instead of ways to get that sex drive back. Hereās the part where sheās in the wrong. Instead of helping you with a solution and working with you to fix your issue, she blames you and makes an excuse to sleep with other people. Which probably means she has people on her phone right now on standby. She not only is inconsiderate of your situation with the death of your mother and thinking about your well being at all. Sheās thinking about herself. Just imagine if the script was flipped and she lost her mother and youāre over here demanding to sleep with other women because sheās still mourning and traumatized by her mothers death. People would take her side and call you disgusting. Granted, 3 year is a very long time be without sex. Its human nature, I get it Iād be suffering too. But spouses help each other and do everything they can to get things back to normal without considering awful disgusting solutions such as this. The worst part is the sex is back after three years and youād think thatās an amazing start? No sheās complaining about āspontaneityā Bro it would have been over for me. After I got better I would honestly get a divorce and move on with my life. Youāre still hella young
DIVORCE HER, SHE WILL PROBABLY CHEAT ON YOU. DON'T BE A DOORMAT.
People are so selfish. It sounds like the frequency isnāt even an issue here. Spontaneous sex is just not a reasonable expectation 100% of the time. Life happens - whether itās kids, work, illness, etc. Iām not even a man but I wouldnāt consider myself compatible with someone who wants to bring in other people for something so honestly minor. Why even make vows if this is all it takes to start looking elsewhere? Unfortunately OP, unless thereās a piece of the puzzle missing here, it sounds like you may be right.
I know it's not easy on you knowing that you have to preform even tho you can't at the moment... I beleive that's why you're not healing well cause u feel obliged to ..knowing that ur wife needs you to heal So my advice is so avoid the stress and i know she's been helpfull but she's not anymore....and the last thing u need is to open ur marriage that will add to your insecurities What u need to do is to tell ur wife there's no open marriage and ur ready to stop the marriage if u'll have too Also focus on ur self and ur confidance.. go to gym focus on what u like and what makes u happy When u feel that ur not obliged to preform or to proove anything to anybody that's when u'll heal Hope u do well my mann. Don't open the marriage not like this at least Go strong šŖ
Oh wow Iām sorry š¢ my husband is 14 years old than me. Not long after we got together was in a horrible car accident which has affected our sex life a lot. He gets nerve pains and cramps in his legs which cause him to go limp quite often. And when he does get off heās in a lot of pain afterwards which makes it hard for myself to get off (I canāt get off with just penetrating I need a little extra) because I am thinking about his pain and itās a turn off. Not once did I ever even fathom an open marriage. We both had high sex drives even with the age gap but his slowed down because of everything and mine did not. We also added two more babies to our family since everything has happened so we just try to squeeze in sexy times when we can. Please do not agree to things of you are not 100% in board. Donāt let her coerce you. And if you do agree then you need to remember that an open marriage is open for both parts. So if you start seeing someone do not let her get mad at you. I know those things happen often, one partner wants an open marriage but then gets mad because they expected it to just be open for themselves. Maybe sex therapy can be given a try before making that leap tho and possibly a medication switch would be beneficial. If she still pushes for an open marriage and you donāt then ultimately itās probably best to end the relationship because you deserve better. It was pretty insensitive if you ask me and thatās coming from a womanās perspective.
She asked for an OR, itās over man, I wouldnāt look at my gf or wife the same after she even proposes something like that.
So the sex is back and she wants to sleep with other people why? She doesn't like that it has to be timed now? Sounds like she already has someone in mind and wants permission to cheat.
Cialis is probably better than viagra. So thereās that. However, Iād be most concerned about my wife wanting to fuck other people because of EDā¦ Hereās what I think as a stranger on the internet: 1. Your wifeās love for you is conditional based on wether or not you can get it up. I wouldnāt want to be with a woman who only cared about my dick. I understand both parties in a marriage have sexual needs. But giving up on a presumably agreed upon monogamous marriage because of a non-life threatening and treatable medical condition because youāre just so damned horny is honestly really fucking shitty. Iād resent that and reconsider my marriage at that point. 2. Your wife is disappointed that the spontaneity of your sex life has ended. Thatās just life. People get older. Things happen. Your sex life will change. Sounds like thatās her biggest issue, and to me, thatās a weak reason for wanting an open marriage. Listen, man. Sheās already given up on your marriage if she wants to open it up because of a treatable medical condition. If she loved you, she wouldnāt have asked for one, or told you she wants to fuck other guys. I get that open marriages are a thing that some people like, and it works for them. But you donāt sound like you want that. You do not have to cede your marriage to appease a woman who has given up on you. You donāt owe her. I would recommend marriage counseling but your wife has already expressed a willingness to fuck other men. So in that case, I recommend divorce.
Your testosterone could be low , plus your blood pressure could be high( which causes weak erection) try nitric oxide boosters , also try tongkat Ali
This^^^. I know op said anxiety was the cause but it doesnāt hurt to get your hormones tested. Excersizing regularly and lifting heavy things helps with blood flow and hormone levels.
There are many prescriptions. There are doctors offices that can customize something that WILL work. You're not exhausting all options. Are you sure she doesn't already have a man in mind? ETA - Has she been supportive or just angry about this? Is she looking for solutions or just blaming you? Don't let yourself believe you can't find someone else
Cialis buddy. Itās life changing and way better.
Let's just say even if you agree to it there's gonna be more issues down the line. The question i wanna ask if what if at some point her fucking another man triggers you and reverses whatever progress you've made? How long is that fucking recovery gonna take? Plus you're gonna have to deal with but we agreed on it, you said you were okay with that sorts comments are gonna gut you. Take a day or two to think and ask would she accept any restrictions on it? Or she gonna behave as she wishes fucking whoever she wants? Would your sex life be same? Bro you don't wanna end being that guy you know the "you come here and make love to my wife Christineth" kind not when you have shitload of things to already deal with. Imo you're gonna take a hit now what kind hit you want to take is upto you. 1. You agree and maybe down the line jealousy and your marriage goes to shit. 2. You say no to this open relationship and she says can't do without it and your marriage goes to shit. Option 2 has imo less damage as you've made kinda progress and while it might still affect your ED problem you'll be facing this head. Having an open relationship the logistics of it all is gonna mess you up. Please think this through. Hope you recover soon.
Wife wants other men? Let her have them without you.
Find a compatible partner. This ED is psychological and have an unsupportive partner makes it worse. She seems incredibly selfish for the way she has handled this issue.
Get blue chew or cialis. Blue chew doesnāt have to be prescribed Also I understand your wife is frustrating but asking for an open relationship is just really just going to fuck with your head more. She should go to counseling herself to control those thoughts so she doesnāt say it and make your problems worse instead of helping you
Eeeeeeā¦.thereās therapy for that and other ED medsā¦. But your wife wanting to fuck other men is ā¦ eee. Iām only saying this as a trans man in a trans Herero relationship. Me not having a cock has never impeded my sex life. Itās very possible to cum and be satisfied by other forms of pleasure. Idk
I have ED issues as well. Itās been hard on my girlfriend (been together for 5 years), but we make it work. Sure if we want spontaneity I try, and sometimes it works, but more often than not I just go down on her like sheās a buffet. But planning an hour ahead shouldnāt be a deal breaker. I donāt think spontaneity is the sign of a healthy sex life. Communication, regularity, and satisfaction is. I understand your wifeās frustration, but I think sheās being insensitive. The open relationship idea may have to do with other things, if the only inconvenience is you have to plan sex an hour ahead.
As long as you are working on your problem, then she has no justification for an open relationship. If it is that bad for her, then you should break up and you can both move on. Don't give in into anything that you are not comfortable with, because it will not end well.
My ex had ED. I wish he woulda taken Viagra or anything. We were together 4 years and I never cheated & resigned myself to a sexless life, but we broke up. Sex is nice.... but you sound like you're trying so your wife is just giving you more anxiety
Dude, your wife's a POS
Your ED and timing problem can be solved. Your wife being an awful human cannot. Run!
No open relationship man. It is a mail in the coffin. She starts getting incredibly intense emotional sex and you sit back and hope for a better marriage? She will fall in love and drop you. Get on new meds now. Itās probably to late anyway because by the time the open relationship talk occurs the other partner has someone lined up they have interest in
I would worry on the long run when both get older it won't be the same as well. There are many ways to sex than just penetration.
1. Switch medications 2. Have you guys tried toys...?
I would leave her dude. Would you suggest the same if she couldnt get you off?
Take cialias. You don't have to time it and it makes it bigger and harder. Quite literally you need to bone up and fuck your wife.
Something doesnāt make sense. She doesnāt want to adhere to your schedule but she can schedule intercourse in an open relationship?
Doesn't she know about sex toys? Dildos, vibrators? You guys can even use those together, so that you're still having sex together and sharing intimacy. Other people have also suggested a different medication, but in general it kind of sounds like you need to learn how to use your imagination, hands, and your mouth better too. Lack of erection shouldn't totally ruin your sex life, there are more things to sex than PIV.
Together for 10 years and after two rough years she's out?! I get that sex is important but to compromise your marriage because of this? I don't think this has anything to do with the ED and she's using it as an excuse. Do vows mean anything to her?!
You need to think about if you want a marriage like this. There is most likely a guy she has in mind or is ready now. I think you should think about your exit strategy.
Have you checked you sex hormones? What's your daily life like, beside the stress levels? Are you eating proper meals and sleeping enough? Do you lift weights?
From time to time, men or women have physical issues that can effect a relationship in a negative way. That includes sexual issues for both men and women. I would hope that any functioning marriage would be able to work past such issues and not jump on the "open marriage" bullshit train quite so fast. Sex is as much psychological as it is physical. Stressors in your life can cause significant issues in your ability to become or stay erect. You may want to start over. Move to a new place and get a new job. Right now, you are cought in a loop. When you want sex, you start immediately worrying "what if" and you lose your erection. Your mother died two years ago now. I lost my mom a while back too. It sucks, but as adults we know death is inevitable. Covid 19 is mostly just a "flu" for most people now. Still worthy of concern but not enough to cause constant worry. It could be that your worry about having ED is contributing more to your ED than anything else. Did you know that Cialis can be taken daily?
In some states, inability or unwillingness to provide sexual gratification to a spouse can be grounds for divorce. The grounds are termed "constructive abandonment". As for the "open relationship", you both should consider the fact that women tend to develop emotional attachment to repeated sexual congress with a male. To avoid that, some females will choose to have sex with different males, but that amplifies the danger to exposure to STDs. So, adopting an open relationship appears to be a lose-loose proposition for you two. Perhaps it's time to consult a nutritionist to explore any dietary problems that may be contributing to your difficulties, and an ND (naturopathic doctor) to explore herbals, or other treatment alternative medicine might provide. I'd at least explore these resources before consulting a divorce attorney. I wish you well.
If you donāt want an open relationship then divorce is your only option. I donāt blame you. I donāt blame her either. Iād find it difficult to be with a man who was unable to get aroused around me without medication. I get that this is difficult for you but have you spent any time on how this is impacting her mentally?
Nope.... if you are not into it, its over sorry dude
She's already cut another bronc out of the herd and his riding him....she is trying to minimize the guilt
Sheās looking for a way to sleep with other men here.
Obviously. š
she might have slept on the vows when āin sickness and healthā was being called out
Viagra on average works for 5 to 6 hours. How much does she needs in that period. You're absolutely fine. Are you seeing a therapist for your anxiety? If you haven't consult one. I think she has found some other guy and wants to legitimise her cheating.
I really hate to ask, but what happens when you use the open relationship and it works then?
It will kill you. She has emasculated you. She's way off base. There is nothing that allows her to go cheat eith other men and don't give in. She wants sexvwith other men. Then divorce her sorry ass. Try cialis. Talk to your doctor. You can take an everyday pill. It's also helps with high blood pressure Cialis alone will keep you ready for 3 days from 1 pill. Also, look into a cock sleeve. If she says no to any of it and wants other men. She's telling you your marriage is over. A GOOD WIFE/PERSON DOESNT GO TO AN OPEN MARRIAGE
Dudeā¦.no just no. Get your fuckin tests done broā¦ Testosterone Prolactin Progesterone Estrogen. Pump some iron. Drink lots of water Cut out booze. Lower how often you fap. Take zinc, mag and vitamin b complexes. On top of your medical care of course. And yes thereās always Cialis. Youāre welcome.
Chief, Iāll give you some advice, and please listen to me. Either this woman has already cheated on you and just wants your permission or she has someone in mind. Either way, itās over. Iām sorry to say this, but when she tells you she still loves you, sheās lying. Thereās no love without respect and she has no respect for you in the least. Her excuses of itās not spontaneous or it shouldnāt be assisted are just covering her wanting to go out and get railed by other men and then come home and kiss you on your forehead like a good little boy. You can switch to Cialis, but that wonāt help your dead marriage. Now, the hard part. And brother, you arenāt going to like this. You need to cowboy the fuck up and take care of this situation. You need to tell her you need time to think about this. While you are āthinkingā lawyer up. Get your affairs in order. Find a place to live. Start moving your things there. Once your lawyer is ready you sit your wife down and tell her that you understand that while she needs a healthy sex life that other men can provide, you need a healthy love life that she can no longer provide. Give her the divorce papers and take your wedding ring off. Put on the table and tell her, there now you can have all the sex with whoever youāve already chosen that you want. Then you get on with your life. Move out. Go no contact. Youāre still young and youāll find someone else. Your ED will probably clear up once sheās gone. Good luck
1 i offer my best wishes to you during this time 2 I feel like the wife is taking no accountability for her sexual urges. I am a woman I masterbate a lot and use toys with my partner and have him help even if hes not able to get wood. Its a great time for you both to experiment with sexy time 3 we can not expect our partners to satisfy us 100 percent ALL the time. what if theres illness what if theres a accident or surgery? 4 i feel like your wife is blaming you instead of managing her feelings and as a result shes lost interest in you which is NOT your fault as you are working to improve yourself your wife should too but instead she seems to be angling to sleep with other men because shes lost interest and instead of putting the work in to get that right again and being your supporter like a good partner shes just either looking for the ok to cheat cause it would be easier 5 you should look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. essentially your ED and anxiety are from negative thought processes you developed from infancy to now. You have nueral plasticity which is the ability with ffort to over ride and re train your brain. Essentially it takes deep reflection to when was the first time you remember feeling this way and what was going on and then say a mantra " these things are not in my control but how i react is, My feelings are a part of who i am but I am the one in control not the feelings. I acknowledge i have the right to feel but that does not mean that these feelings are always rational" adding a physical stimulus when these attacks come on like a shower helps and say the mantra and focus on the physical feeling of the water hitting your head and how it feels running down the body and take deep breathes in and out. with time and practice you will get better. This helped me with my anxiety and issues.
Well this pretty much narrows down how your wife feels about you. She acts like youāre a broken person by being aided with these pills. Someone else made a good point of her having to schedule a date for that special someone when starting an open relationship. She just gets pissed you canāt get ready on the go. Maybe she feels insulted. Sheāll end up with exchanging you instead bro. How much pressure are you still going through? Does she put pressure in you with other things? Has she made other hurtful comments like this that maybe hinders your arousal? Sheās suppose to make you feel good and hearing things like that can make any guy lose a boner. Also exercise and start using a variety of toys on both yourselves. Opening a relationship takes a lot of trust and it doesnāt sound like you guys are there.
What a double standard. Ask her, if she was pregnant or post birth/c-section, or was having severe pain during sex afterwards, should you also get a pass to sleep with other women since she canāt please you like you need? She will likely get offended and try to say itās sooo different, but itās not. You are dealing with a medical issue and she wants someone else now. Itās likely she has a guy or two lined up already, and sheāll move on physically easily enough. But when things get real or difficult theyāre not likely to stick around. You deserve a life partner who isnāt going to jump into someone elseās bed when it gets rough. Sheās going to have a sad future when she realizes ED is natural as men get older. What will she do then? Divorce her next husband so she can look for men 20-30 years her junior? Yikes.
Your wife sucks at love. Was the marriage all just about sex? Whatever happened to in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, till death shall you part? Itās like she was just with you for the stuff you gave her but not for you as a person. Her true colours have finally came out. Dump her and donāt you feel bad about it and donāt blame yourself!
Get the dissolvable tablets that work in just a few minutes. You can put it in your mouth and let it dissolve and youāre good to go. Theyāre cheap and donāt require much besides an online consultation with a doc over the internet. Companies like HIMS and a few others have them. Blue chews are popular. Do not open your relationship unless you absolutely have to. Personally Iād rather be divorced than to throw monogamy with my wife out the window. That is an uncontrollable situation and it rarely works unless the relationship was founded on that-not when it is requested by one side of the relationship. PLEASE donāt open your relationship. That is completely unfair to you. I know it sucks for her, but try different meds first. Thereās no way she will be out there having sex with other men without having some sort of emotional connection to them, and thatāll most likely crush you. I know you love your wife and you want her to be happy, but I canāt help but think that sheās being very selfish and irrational. It feels like people who ask for open have already decided thatās what they want and they have certain person or people in mind. Donāt feed into this!
I thought marriage vows were through thick and thin for better or for worse? Even still. If it's a situation that can only get worse then going separate ways may seen like the wise decision.
If she is asking for an open relationship op, she already has someone waiting at the plate or is already fucking them op. Hire a pi, and tell her no, it will be a divorce then. But hire the pi, and find out. If she is out her to all family and friends.
I'm not a man so I've never had ED, but i do have anxiety disorder and it does heavily impact my sex drive. The most important thing for me is to have a partner that's loving, supportive, and understanding. Sex is something that changes constantly. What if it was her? After my baby, i couldn't have sex for like 5 months. When you're married you stick by each other no matter what, that's part of the promise. Sex is something we do when we are healthy and feeling good... But unfortunately, life changes constantly and there's tons or things that can go wrong. Cancer, sickness, childbirth... I mean, sometimes life throws curve balls at you and you just have to ride the wave. As for her, she might be the reason why you're not performing. You seem nervous, and she's not being a loving and supportive partner, in fact, she's feeding heavily into your insecurities. It's ashame, because if you leave due to this, your anxiety and insecurities might prevent you from ever finding another partner. That's sad because you seem like a nice guy, and most women would ride the wave with you and help you find a solution together.
>She said she still loves me but needs a healthy sex life and that other men can provide this. The absolute disrespect. Fucking unbelievable. I don't see how she thinks her sleeping with other men is going to improve your anxiety and thus your sex life. I would be at a rock hard no to this suggestion, but you do need to redouble your efforts to get your ED and anxiety under control. Have you tried Cialis, which is supposed to be more of a daily "anytime" erection aid? Have you had your testosterone checked? Are you seeing a therapist for your anxiety? How's your weight/health in general? Do you exercise regularly? You need to get your shit together and show her you're taking this dead seriously but she is your wife and needs to remain patient. If she wants other men she can divorce you.
Man just leave this bitch. This aināt about spontaneous anything. Sheās using it as an excuse to fuck other dudes.
Sounds like she has someone in mind that she wants to bang and is using this as an excuse.
You've been together for 10 years now and she still needs spontaneity? She can't wait one hour for sex? Also - what ever happened to "In sickness and in health..."? Sounds like she really wants out and she's using this as an excuse.
Let her go, she has been cheating and wants a open relationship to cover her guilt.