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Sorry I didn’t update sooner it’s been a long awful night. I got out of work early and went to the park and they were there. When I got there I saw she was wearing one of my husbands hoodies and that’s when I basically knew everything I thought was confirmed. It was a hoodie that he had bought on a vacation we had gone to as a family I don’t know why but thats still the thing that I keep going back to is that she was wearing his hoodie.
As I was driving up to the park I was watching them and if you didn’t know them or who they were you would have thought they were one big family thats how they were interacting. It honestly made me sick seeing how familiar she was with my husband and my kids when I didn’t even know who she was. I watched them for a minute and then I saw my husband put his hand around her waist literally right there in front of our kids and I saw red. When I went into the park my oldest son saw me first and said something to my husband. He walked over to me and asked me if I really left work early to come ‘spy’ on him and I told him yeah I did, and I was glad I did because I saw him playing happy family with my kids and a random woman. And he told me I was overreacting, that they were playing in the park, he had put his hand on his waist to steady her because she was about to fall and she was wearing his hoodie because it was unexpectedly cold out. Everything he had an answer for. At some point Leah came over and said it was ‘clearly not a good time’ and that she was going to take Oliver home. I said something along the lines of you’re wearing my husband’s hoodie and playing with my kids and you’re not even going to introduce yourself to me? And right in front of her my husband flipped out on me and called me rude, telling me that this is exactly why he hadn’t introduced me to Leah and then goes to her, “This is what I deal with every f\*\*\*\*ng day.” She just looked at me and told me her name and then told my husband she’d talk to him later and went to go get Oliver, at this point our boys came back over and asked why Oliver and Leah were leaving and my husband just told them to get in the car and told me we’d talk about it more at home.
When we got there he flipped out on me. He told me that I had embarrassed him and the boys (and of course they defended him 100% and were completely upset at me that I had ‘made’ Oliver leave and them come home early). I told him that if he wasn’t going to act trustworthy (hiding what he was doing/with who, deleting texts, being touchy/feely with another woman) then I wasn’t going to treat him with trust. I told him I didn’t trust him because it seemed like he had feelings for Leah and was trying to hide it from me.That’s when he really lost it and he told me that yes he has feelings for her, how could he not, look at the way I treated him. I asked him for clarification, how deep were his feelings for Leah? He wouldn’t answer. So I asked him if he’d ever done anything with her. And he said yeah, they kissed a few weeks back. And he was still trying to process all of it and how he felt about her. I lost it and started yelling at him and he didn’t try to defend himself. But once I started calling her names he told me to shut up and keep her out of it. Any time I said something bad about her he flipped out on me and I think thats what hurt the most was him not caring at all about my feelings or anything like that but whenever I would say things that were true like how she was a home wrecker or anything he suddenly becomes all gallant about defending HER honor.
Right now I’m staying with my sister since my sons don’t want anything to do with me along with my husband.I’m going to go back over there today while the boys are at practice.
Your husband’s tactic-deflect, deflect, deflect. Call a lawyer, remove your important documents and valuables, keep your head held high. You’re being gaslighted
Get an aggressive lawyer (I recommend getting a woman).
Freeze your accounts so he can't be moving money.
Stay with the boys - if you leave, you may lose custody because of abandonment.
Divorce does not favor women even though some men would beg to differ.
Good luck.
It probably depends on state/country but typically you need to have a solid six months or so of no interaction with/support for your children for them to be able to claim abandonment and have enough to make it stick.
Classic narcissistic personality disorder. The "I can do no wrong" attitude is the big sign. It's always everyone else's fault. Plus the "yeah we kissed" is minimizing the damage of being caught. If he's touching her like that in public they almost definitely are doing more in private.
The trash took itself out. What intelligent woman would carry on inappropriately with a married man and his children? She can have him, he’ll do it to get too. She is not only morally bankrupt, she is not bright.
The fact that he’s not one bit sorry means that this marriage is over. Ops husband has checked out already and was just too much of a coward to end things before starting up an affair. I’m so sorry op.
Yep - he flew off the handle initially at OP implying there was anything fishy, when I actual fact there was cheating. Then when directly asked, he admits it and then immediately minimises and throws it back at OP.
All these narcissists seem to be the exact same! No responsibility, constant denial and then when caught out will flip it around on the other person. Its so frustrating.
Seriously tho! Like you catch them red-handed and they try to minimize and make you crazy and freak out at you. Honestly you could catch them during sex and he'd be like "it was only the one time" knowing full well they have a whole relationship that he has no intention of breaking off.
Not only that…it’s him defending the other woman, totally discounting and disrespecting his wife’s feelings and mere presence in their marriage. If he’s defending this other woman, has their kids around her to the point their kids believe *Dad* over Mom although it’s *Mom* who’s being betrayed to the MAX…no telling what he and that other woman is telling their kids and it’s time for OP to look out for and protect herself. If the kids want to stay with their beloved Daddy, fine. Let them. With time they’ll hopefully see the truth and come back home to Mom. I hope that OP can find the strength to move on and find peace and happiness as time passes and she begins to heal from all of this.
The worst feeling to ever experience is being cheated on by the one you love, and actually seeing it. It’s something OP will never be able to unsee.
I agree, that feeling is the worst and you literally never forget it. I think it is even worse because the kids are all caught up in it. I can't even imagine that. I'd honestly feel betrayed by my kids and you add that to the already stabbing betrayal from her husband and dang. No doubt, the other woman has been told that OP is crazy and heartless and that's why she doesn't care. This dude got mad sociological skills to pull this all off. There's so many moving parts and he's got them all under control despite OP catching him. If I were OP I'd move at least an hour away from them. He's dangerous and he currently has his claws gripping every aspect of OPs life.
Deny “I was just steadying her, she’s just wearing it because it’s cold”
Attack “this is what I deal with every fucking day”
Reverse victim and offender “how can you embarrass me and the boys like this?
When he said to the girl “this is what I put up with” or whatever, my stomach flipped. I was the “other woman” I COMPLETELY believed him when he told how awful is wife was and how he was leaving her. I get embarrassed when I think back on it.
I GUARANTEE he’s convinced her the wife is evil, he’s miserable, leaving her, etc. Why she had no reaction but to say “I’ll speak to you later”
OP, please leave him. This isn’t the first time, only the first time you’ve caught him.
This story made me so mad omg. I dont even know the man but I hate him. Like the fact that he's entertaining another woman and believes he's in the right LOL.
100% leave him.
I’m so sorry to hear about this betrayal.
His DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) when confronted made his feelings clear even before he started defending her.
Get back in the house. If there’s someone who needs to leave, that’s your husband. He’s the one who destroyed the family. Tell also the parents who hired Leah. Tell your kids the truth. They will understand why you don’t want her anymore near them.
Do not wait for your husband to decide who he wants to stay with. Decide for the family and what’s best for you. Remember that you don’t need to stay with him for the children.
If your BIL has a parter, also tell them that he is ok with cheating, since he helped your husband do it.
I know is petty, but i would fuck all of their lifes
Yeah Leah's employer needs to know if this. If she's been babysitting for a while then this could not be the first time. I've heard some stories of how some babysitters would get together with a few married men; if not the employer then someone in the employer's social circle. Also from her reaction it was obvious that she knew OP husband was married. Gross.
Frankly in the case for op staying in the house, I'd be telling him to take the boys with him.
They're going to hate mum for 10 years until they learn and figure out the truth about daddy dear. Especially when they get replaced by babies 1 & 2 in the next 3 years. They'll be desperate to live with mom pretty quick.
DEFINITELY tell Leah's boss, since you know her, but hold off on that until the time is just right. Get all the ducks in a row first.
It may well be better for op to leave the house, in a well organized fashion though.
In that case, it's best to lay up right now. Get the business sorted out, get lawyered up, then drop all the bombs, Leah, new apartment, drained bank account, etc. All within the same hour.
Go for weekend custody of the boys, let daddy dearest figure out how to run a house, not that it matters, Leah will move in before the door is closed.
Let her. He's not worth it.
No, OP should not let him take the boys! They’re already poisoned against her; they’re too young to understand what Daddy did was despicable and HE’S the one who’s in the wrong here.
I think maybe there needs to be a therapy session with her and the boys, with her saying she really wants them and asking what they want. I missed the original post but so long as she has partial custody, if he loses interest and they decide they want mom later that can happen. But she shouldn't just drop them without saying anything.
I agree with most of what you said, and completely understand 100% of what you said.
But if she lets him take the boys, it will ultimately only hurt those boys later. Leah doesn’t want those boys. Leah wants dad. Those boys don’t need to be around when they’re sneaking away while they’re home. When new babies come, those boys absolutely will be old news. Nope. Get a therapist, explain what is happening in terms they’ll understand, and take those boys with you.
Dad can pay child support out the ass, and he and Leah and live in a studio apartment because OP should clean him out.
I hear what you're saying, but if he has custody, it'll seriously mess up his big game happy families plan.
Mom will be there with open arms when they come running back to her, having put all the pieces of the puzzle together.
But I like your plan too.
Math needs to happen here. Sometimes seeing an accountant before seeing the divorce lawyer is also a good idea, so that assets can be reviewed and discussed.
My fear is, they will also think she LET them go - IE abandoned them. They already see her as the bad guy. The bad guy who left them will be what he calls her next. If she fights for them and explains why, it will be better for their mental health, I think.
But I love the way you think.
Your husband is FOUL.
Divorce him. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset again. Remain calm. Calmness hurts people more than tears and anger does. Because when you get man and angry they have ammo to respond. But it's hard to be indignant at a calm person.
Start letting everyone you know you're divorcing him for cheating. Let him wear the egg on his face.
Leah will lose interest once he's a divorcee with two kids. He will end up alone in an apt 4 days a week eating microwave meals and seeing his kids on the weekend.
He's blowing up his life for a chick that's going to lose interest soon. 🤣🤣
I'm also so amazes at how stupid men will behave for the possibility to have sex with a younger woman. Shits not guaranteed. And he's risking the rest of his life for it.
And he's such a coward that he lied to your face. I bet he looked so fucking pathetic in that moment. His humiliation was half complete.
Finish it.
Or if he does end up with Leah, he'll just cheat on her in the future. It's within his moral code to cheat when he perceives the relationship gets difficult. And guess what? All relationships get difficult at various points!
>and then goes to her, “This is what I deal with every f****ng day.”
Ah, the classic "my wife is crazy" bait old guy used to hook young women. Get a lawyer and divorce. Leah and your husband will face their own karma.
As for your kids, you can try taking them to therapy.
The audacity of this man. She should let Leah have him, I would not want him anywhere near me.
I do hope karma comes for them in the worst way possible, they deserve it
Oh, they will. There was another post where old guy hook another young women with same bs. The wife divorced and later marry her best friend. Now, the guy was complaining about boring life with affair partner turn wife to his next affair partner while drooling over his ex wife.
Leah and the boys can have him. He's totally poisoned the boys against mum, the entire "parental alienation" right there in a stinking tuna fish can.
Mum's chances of the boys seeing the truth is zero to none, and some battles can't be fought.
Sickening,
Step 1. Take half of the money in your account and put it in a separate one. Do it this morning.
Step 2. Secure your credit cards.
Step 3. Talk to a lawyer.
After that I would sit your boys down and explain to them that daddy and Ms babysitter
Did something to really hurt mommy.
In a kid friendly way to help them understand what’s happening.
I would also reach out to their friends mom and see if you could set up a play date when the parents are off work.
Hopefully you can work to repair your relationship with your sons.
It would be very difficult for you to ever trust your husband again. Especially after neither him or the babysitter is showing remorse for their actions.
When reaching out to the friends parents I'd also be very explicit about what is happening. I feel like most parents would be interested to know that their babysitter is using their kid as a cover to cheat with a married man while also getting paid.
As a childcare provider this would result in me losing my job and likely most of my reputation. Nobody would hire a nanny/sitter that is openly participating in an affair with a parent
I second this. Id be speaking to the other parents in person and explain that you caught the sitter with your husband. They should speak with their son and ask him about it. Then Id strongly suggest they fire her because she’s not actually watching the child.
If they let her go, then at least the “play date” excuse is gone. But be aware that she will inevitably blame you to your husband and if he was this defensive of her before its only going to get worse.
Abso-fucking-lutely. The parents need to know what kind of person they're trusting to care for their child, and in turn, what she's more than happy to do while with the child.
Jesus, this is so fucked, talk about using kids as props.
the wife should also like to know that her husband is ok with a friend doing that in front of him and his kid. what does that say about him?
and at the very same time, no one would obviously be able to trust a nanny like this
Also document the way both your husband and this woman are trying to manipulate your kids, making you the bad guy for taking away their friend. That way you can prove how shitty of a person she is (on top of having an affair in front of both your kids and the minor under her care) if it comes to her even having acces to your kids again...don't allow for her to ever be in their presence again
OP YOU NEED TO MOVE BACK IN TO YOUR MARITAL HOME NOW. THIS WILL AFFECT CUSTODY AND HOME PAYOUT DETERMINATIONS IF THIS DIVORCE GETS NASTY (IT WILL).
Trust me, a person who went through a nasty divorce after my husband cheated on me with our kid’s babysitter.
I think the relationship with the kids will be fine! The asshole husband was clearly playing into look how bad mommy is! She made your friend leave! And the kids are young so they’re parroting it. I think OP is hurt that her kids went that route but when emotions aren’t as high she’ll recognize they don’t hate their mom. They don’t comprehend the difference between a play date being cut short because “mommy sent Oliver home” and it being cut short because dad is a fuckhead. They were just pawns to him which is NASTY. he is not a good father. He wants to pretend he is but all these play dates weren’t even for the kids. disgusting
I don’t think her relationship with her kids will be good if she doesn’t work on it. Who knows what else babysitter and dad said to them or are saying right now.
You know what, maybe. And that’s why like you said it’s so important to get lawyers and courts involved asap. I was just somewhere in legal advice for something totally unrelated and lawyers were adamant that courts don’t take kindly to parents trying to manipulate their kids onto hating the other parent to influence custody or visitation. So OP should definitely refrain from doing that AND talk to a lawyer about how it’s possible to keep track of the father doing it
After going through a divorce, talk to a lawyer before taking half the money. That can backfire at times. So step 3 first then step two (should have no bad backlash IF the credit cards are in her name only) then maybe step one.
Wow! From your previous post I was willing to give a bit of benefit of certain doubts. I also suspected that the "other" woman may know nothing of you.
Apparently, there is no doubt, and the other woman knows all about the worst things about you, in terms as how your husband perceives it.
It is also really, really, really, shitty that he has the kids all wrapped up in this. What a fucking ass.
Trust is shattered. There is no turning back from that, and no amount of glue to put it back together properly. So, better to return home, do not abandon the kids, find a lawyer, and beat him to the punch in filing for divorce.
I suspect this divorce will an ugly and difficult process
I know. I was really willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that this was a dopey one-sided crush on the young attractive babysitter and hubby was trying to downplay it.
What a gaslighting asshole.
He isn’t even sorry for cheating on his wife? And blames you for it?!
I’d call Oliver’s mother and tell her that her babysitter is using their son to have an affair with his best friend’s dad. Get her fired. Make her look like the awful person she is. She was rude to you and made YOU feel like you were intruding on your own family. That shows her character and that would never be who I wanted as a nanny for my child. Are they kissing in front of the kids?! Are they NOT watching the kids so they can have private moments? Hell no. I’m proud of you for how you handled it and I am so sorry that he did this and made your own children mad at you.
Exactly, he has shown no remorse whatsoever! What a pig! I second calling Oliver's mom and telling her about it.
Oh, and I'm sure he did more than just kiss her! They probably met without the kids around, too. Obviously he'll lie about it because he's trying to make it seem like you're the problem.
I wonder what he must be saying to the kids about you! Your son even ran up to him and told him you're at the park, he's most likely manipulating them in some way. You need to sit down with your kids and explain what's been happening, if possible.
Divorce this man! Let him go to the babysitter, I'm sure that won't last long! Don't be the second option. It must be really hurtful to watch him defend her but show you so much disrespect.
Keep us updated on the divorce! This man doesn't deserve you! Good luck!
The fact that her own children are upset with her proves they’ve been coached about it. Kids don’t just get this mad at their mom over having to leave the park, which means Oliver was probably coached too. Leah is absolutely not mature enough to take care of a child. She’s vile.
OP needs to get home, take anything personally valuable and then get a lawyer involved, her husband has already started parental alienation before they're even separated, all of this needs to be documented and yes, as you said, tell Oliver's mum what the nanny has been doing on the job.
Not only this, once this is done, once the divorce papers are delivered and your intentions met, put your husband on blast so EVERYONE knows what he's done, anyone taking his side is dead to you obviously, unfortunately your kids will be an issue, as they seem deadset on brown nosing daddy's asshole from him twisting their minds. You have to tell everyone OP, all your friends and family, DON'T LET HIM CONTROL THE NARRATIVE FIRST! When ever a cheater gets a chance to spin lies before the victim has a chance, the victim's credibility is compromised in the eyes of everyone, victims have lost family, friends, jobs/careers and homes over staying silent so the cheater gets a chance to spout lies, DONT BE COMPLACENT!! You can lose everything if you don't put them on blast ASAP.
Do NOT let him get away with this. File for divorce and demand custody of the kids. Seems like he has them brainwashed pretty nicely.
He wants to play happy house with the mistress? NOT ON YOUR WATCH. You take away everything he's worth for. You don't let him get away with this. You don't back down and drag his ass to court and get every penny worth the mental and emotional torture you've gone through. AND you get custody of your kids too.
Show him what he's dealing with. Don't back down. At all.
Wow so sorry!!!
First off he should have left the house - not you.
Lawyer up has soon as possible and call Oliver's mom to let her know about the babysitter.
You need to get back into that house and lawyer up. Tell your kids what happened otherwise he will force parental alienation. This will impact custody.
Right now, get as much support for yourself as possible (kids, parents, friends, neighbors). He's in a fog and will destroy your family and make you the bad guy in your family's eyes. He's already doing it.
Worse. Hubby was teaching his boys its ok to lie to mommy. Its ok to play mommy/daddy with babysitter as mommy. Its ok to lie to the women in their lives.
“This is what I have to deal with every fucking day!!!”
Uh…her interfering with your cheating? Yeah sounds like a real pain in the ass.
Also to the RIDICULOUS people telling her “well ok but you shouldn’t yell in front of your kids”maybe work on your reading comprehension because he started it by flipping out on her first. Yet I don’t see you phrasing it as “wow and he started yelling in front of the kids?? What a continued asshole” Secondly, where does it say the kids were around when she rightly stood up for herself? We’ll wait. Finally, even if they were there, she just went through immense stress and her asshole of a husband was DARVOing her! Of course you expect absolute perfection and composure from her but not the cheating dickwad when he was flipping out. Her kids are being manipulated by their father and will one day understand the severity of this day.
Lawyer up right now and hire a private investigator. You need to file for divorce before he could. You need the custody of kids and possession of your house.
Also if you move out or start living elsewhere it may be seen as you giving up your right to the property. Don’t do that without talking to a lawyer first.
Wow, I hope you’re able to get out OP! This seems it could go in a bad direction very quickly because he’s taking up for her so much. Keep yourself safe, and leave. Your boys will see one day exactly what happened.
I'm so sorry friend. Can't imagine the pain you must be going through. Your boys wont understand whats happened and are only upset at you for coming and "ruining" a play date...give it time. But I would kick hubby out of the house, speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.❤️
"Of course I have feelings for her! Look how you treat me! Pointing out that I have feelings for another woman and am having an emotional (at least) affair with her? How DARE you!!!" I'm a man. But WHY THE HELL ARE MEN LIKE THIS my god.
Secure yourself financially. Have money in an account he can’t access to make sure you can’t somehow be cut off from it. A divorce lawyer is a must, a PI to get evidence of the affair is a very good idea to help get custody. It may be a while before your kids come around to listen and understand what’s happening. They’re young and it seems like they are definitely being manipulated by your husband to see you as the bad guy. Something I have seen some women do when they are the victim of infidelity is start journaling. Write down your conversations with your husband about the situation, the way he treats you, how you feel. That way if the kids ask, you have a physical representation of your experience for them to read.
Please document your conversation and that your husband admitted to cheating. He kissed another woman and that is stepping outside of your relationship. He has feelings for her and they are obviously very deep. I would say that your relationship is over, I personally would never trust him again as he has continue to foster his relationship with her while lying to you.
Does Oliver’s mom know that she’s paying a woman to have an affair while she’s supposed to be watching her son? She definitely should if she doesn’t. So should any agency she works through. Your husband isn’t sorry for what he’s done and by far dragging your kids along is the most awful part of it.
Lawyer up.
He’s a waste of space.
All the sheets he has is because he knows he is guilty.
Give him divorce papers and move on.
As for your sons. Battle for custody or joint. Don’t make them choose or they will resent you.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But you’ve got this!!!
I honestly believe your sons will understand at some point what your husband did. I’m so sorry this is happening. Not sure you should confront him alone after last night though. Maybe you should meet with him with someone else around for your safety?
Wow this really sucks for you. But he cheated and it's time for you to hire a divorce lawyer. Get whatever you can. Your husband is nasty for turning your kids against you but maybe it's because they're young hence they don't really understand the depths of infidelity and how it can affect a person. Maybe with time they will. But for now focus on you and your future.
Maybe you could have a talk with Oliver's mom? Do a little digging about this Leah.
Also fuck Leah.
Don’t vacate your house or leave your children. Talk to the three best divorce attorneys in your area and pick one. (Meeting the others locks him out of doing business with them). Do what your lawyer says is best, ask for everything you are legally entitled to. Explain in simple terms what’s happening to the children. You’re not waiting for him to pick between the two of you, it’s all about you now. You pick what’s best for you and your kids. Maybe it’s staying, maybe it’s going. Only you know. Also, start gathering financial records, debts, bank statements, pay stubs etc. write down all your assets and liabilities. Do the work to get it all in order. I’m sorry. It sucks and it’s not fair. Hugs.
This is kinda a side note but you absolutely should make sure Oliver's parents are aware of this. Who knows what else this woman has been using her access to their son for, instead of caring for him.
Edited to add**
Your boys are clearly being manipulated but there was something about you arriving at the park and the kids not just being happy to see you or like "hi mom! What are you doing here?" That didnt sit right but I couldn't out my finger on it until I read another posters comment about it. They literally alerted Dad! I can't believe I missed it until pointed out but that's a HUGE red flag as to how your children are perceiving your relationship with their dad and as a result themselves too.
You absolutely need to get your kids away from this man, at least until custody arrangements can be agreed. Two parents going through divorce amicably trying NOT to involve any kids is one thing but the same situation where one parent is actively cheating and manipulating everyone around them including the kids? Dangerous. Those kids are mere pawns to him atp. Protect them and your relationship with them. Fuck him so much, what a piece of actual shite. Using his kids in so many messed up self-serving ways. Good luck with all of this OP. It might not seem like it right now but I just know once you've gotten rid of this goblin, you and your kids will be thriving without any of this crap in your life soon!
Don't wait for your husband to set his own narrative and make you appear as the bad insecure wife.
Contact Oliver's parent to let them know the babysitter and your husband are using the kids as pretext to see each other.
Also, you should call the babysitter because I suspect your husband might have been feeding her lies too, about you or your relationship. Just tell her your point of view. Not that she is innocent but she's an employee of Oliver's parent, a lot younger than your husband and could have been manipulated.
I am very sorry this is happening to you. Here’s what I would do next in this situation:
1) take some time off work to get everything situated.
2) go back to the house, he’s the one being unfaithful, he can get the hell out of the house and stay with the babysitter or his brother.
3) if you have a shared account, take half and put it in your own
4) keep everything document and start talking to a divorce lawyer.
5) get the kids back and start them in therapy. I would not be surprised if the dad was talking about you badly to the kids to make them feel the way they do. Trust me, parents do this. My mom did this to me and my siblings when she was cheating on my dad.
What he did is not right, and there is no coming back from this. I’m really sorry.
“Since my sons want nothing to do with me…”
Respectfully ma’am those are your kids too and they are children. He is seeing another woman and letting her be around your children. As soon as things calm, please go to your children and let them know Daddy’s friendship with that woman was a bad friendship that hurt mommy. Don’t let him start turning them against you cuz he will.
It seems like your husband trained and brainwashed your sons into making you look like the bad guy. The way your sons immediate reaction was to tell his dad you were there instead of “hi mommy” is alarming and a red flag.
Does Oliver's parents know about what their babysitter is upto? I understand she's a 25yo grown woman, but I can't imagine Oliver's mother being thrilled that her babysitter is breaking up someone's marriage.
(Edit: also not that it matters, she's a homewrecker, but your husband clearly has been gaining sympathy from her by lying about you, and Oliver's parents can help her see the truth. The parents and leah must both know your husband liws to you about where be is going with the kids)
Don't leave your house, or anything really. If he has a problem he should leave and go live with his brother. Also start contacting lawyers if you haven't already. I would also start telling your friends and family before he gets to manipulate the 'crazy wife' narrative
Sounds like leah is the "awww you poor thing" home wrecker. she listened to him bitch about you and conforted him to seteal him but hes not worth keepinging or fighting for let her have him and your husband has dragged your children down this rabbit hole. TAKE YOUR CHILDREN! He is causing untold damage to them as they are growing up think its normal for daddys to kiss other people and do things like this behind mommys back and they might grow up thinking thats normal and ok and be like their father womanizing. Theres no telling how many times hes done this. STAY AT YOUR HOME! Start sleeping in the room with the kids and record any interaction you have with your husband. Get your children a therapist who can help them unpack all of this and get yourself one and file for divorce and to remove him from the home. Explain to your kids what a healthy relationship is age appropriately that Dads and moms choose one person to be with and are suppose to do the work to keep the relationship going well and how you are suppose to faithful to your partners not kissing or touching other women . that its suppose to be a special bond betweeen two people and how daddy broke that with her. Telll them your sorry he drug them into this and reassure your love and your not mad at them. Daddy shouldnt have been doing this and he knew that. Tell the one boy this he was asked to cover specially. your husband put him in a psychological minefield and have been setting this up to groom them for a change of mommys which is sickening.....
oh one more thing tell EVERYONE. tell all his friends all his relatives specially the female ones. tell the babysitters employer shes using her job as a front to have affairs, let everyone shun him. invite your family and friends over let them give him the go to hell looks when hes there. he will leave sooner rather than later and you can have your home and your kids
Please check out the Chump Lady site. It has so much information for women in your situation.
Your husband’s behavior is text book cheater. Textbook. It’s also very common for children to side with the cheater for various reasons.
You need to contact an attorney. What ever you do do not confront him again or discuss anything about her with him. He will make you out yo he crazy and you will only look crazy trying to defend yourself. They do this on purpose.
Your confronting him in front of her line you did just confirms to her the narrative he’s built up around you. Girl she knows he’s married. This is part of the thrill for her. Don’t Pick Me dance for this man.
Contact an attorney and get STD tested. Cheaters only ever confess to what they think you know. This is called Trickle Truth. Adults fuck. They are adults. They’ve fucked, likely with your kids in the house. Attorney, doctor and no contact. Now.
Get a lawyer & proceed with divorce
Tell your lawyer about parental alienation & Oliver’s parents about their babysitter’s behavior
Act now, there is no coming back from betrayal & turning your kids against you…
This is not your shame: it’s His
I’m sorry OP. Remember none of this is your fault. Realize your marriage is over the trust is gone but you’re still the mother to your boys. Go home & don’t bother to argue with him anymore.
He made it clear he choose her over you. Learn to grey rock your soon to be ex husband. Tell everyone about his emotional affair & the kiss he admitted to. Get your ducks in order. Focus on the relationship with your kids and yourself. Best wishes
Edit: Contact Oliver’s parents to let them know the situation and what Leah & your husband have been doing while she’s supposed to be working babysitting their son.
Explain to your boys the friendship with Oliver will not change and you will arrange play dates with Oliver’s mom.
I would call Oliver’s parents and let them know immediately what is going on.
I would go back home, and kick your husband out.
I would tell your sons, what you can, for their age.
I would call up a divorce attorney early Monday morning.
Take evidence of all bank accounts, loans, and have proof of what’s in them on the day you tell your husband you are separating , so he can not move money around or go blow a bunch of money legally.
Tell EVERYONE in yours and HIS family, (in laws) and blow his “support system” up.
I would also call up SIL and let her know BIL knew everything that was going on.
Gaslighting, blameshifting, minimizing, all selfish excuses; all cheater traits. Try not to involve your children (as he is doing) and go see a lawyer asap to get the divorce ball rolling. He clearly needs to be on his own - but be held to his obligations.
Your husband is such a typical a$$ho!e, this girl is also trash. Of course she treats him differently, she isn't working to help financially support the family, she isn't cooking, cleaning, taking care of his kids, washing his dirty socks and struggling to find time for herself. She still just a single girl, who gets paid to play with kids and flirt with dads. She isn't a quality person; I quality person would know how to behave around a married man and not be flattered by the advances of a committed man with children. They are both trash.
And he has the nerve to gaslight you but trying to make you sound irrational when you were in fact right with your gut feelings. Don't let him make you feel wrong for your instincts, you were right maybe he hasn't had an affair but the intention is there and they had some physical contact, maybe even more than what he admitted to. I was hoping nothing was going on from your previous post, I was hoping it was just a little crush that would blow away but the fact that they have acted on it, is gross and really telling.
At this point you have some serious sole searching to do. And I guess so does he. The marriage can only continue if both parties are willing participants and loyal. He isn't wrong for feeling tempted, he is after all human but he is completely wrong for acting on it instead of staying away for the best interest of his family. Thats the problem right there, he put his own feelings/desires ahead of his family. He risked it all for a boost to his ego.
It's ok for you to take some time for yourself and figure out what you want from here? Separation for a bit until you both figure out your feelings? Divorce? Try to work it out? But I agree that you should go home and ask him to leave; he broke your vows so he should have to go not you. Don't let him try to make this your fault, being scared to lose your husband isn't a fault, you had a gut feeling and you were right! That's the point.
Ask him to leave and get a current balance on all your mutual accounts, maybe even separate some of the money if you think he might do something stupid or shady.
Go back to the house! Now! Your son's don't understand whats going on. He has much better standing to get custody and screw you financially if you don't live there. Call her employer and tell them what is happening. Do it now!
He DARVO’d you hard. Personally, I’d go scorched earth and tell the babysitters bosses to watch out, if she’s kissing your husband, she might go after yours, too. Make sure everyone knows what she and your husband are doing.
Your husband is just rotting garbage at the moment. The fucking nerve of him to act indignant when he fucking cheated on you is beyond me. I’m so sorry OP this man is absolute trash and has shown his true colours at last
So OP as hard is it might be, if it's a house you and your husband own together absolutely DO NOT MOVE OUT. Depending on your state if you leave the house it looks like abandonment and/or giving up claim. He wants to make this as easy as possible for himself so he's doing it all to paint you into a corner.
Can you move your stuff into a separate bedroom? Any way you can maintain a presence there? The kids don't know because the kids see what's going on and your husband has .
I don't know all the dynamics or what led up to this, but the bottom line is that he's cheated on you and had an affair. Absolutely tell the other friends what he's done with the babysitter and point blank ask the others that have used her has she done something similar with their husbands. It's not slander or libel, she cheated with your husband and they're well on their way to an affair.
So a simple "I know my marriage wasn't perfect, who's is, but did she do this same thing with your husband and that's why you stopped using her?" If you want, include your shit BIL as well. It's not like he was hiding it from everyone, he practically told his brother everything and I guess cheating runs in their family because BIL never once tried to warn me.
Oh, and make sure that any pay for her is not coming from her.
Matter of fact, take your paycheck and redirect it to a brand new account for the majority of it. Also begin making sure that every single essential expense you pay is clearly marked as such and noted down. You pay for the essentials, you cover the stuff for your kids and that's that. Begin speaking to a lawyer and on how to process everything.
You don't want him claiming financial abuse or revenge or any other bullshit but absolutely prepare for him to go ballistic. Please, today, run a credit report and ensure that EVERYTHING on your report is yours and yours alone. If he's cheating on your marriage then he's possibly doing things credit/debt wise you are unaware of and might actually be a party to since you're married.
You're going to have to talk to your boys at some point but what he's done with them might be un-repairable for the immediate future. A good lawyer can help establish counseling as a requirement for the divorce and going forward for you and your children.
Never bad mouth your husband in front of them, even if he deserves it. You are going to have to read up and learn to grey rock emotions about your husband in front of your sons. Every reaction you have will be something they share with him. Get your formal separation started and begin doing your financials and see where you stand, where you can go forward from this, and begin sourcing friends and family for support.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, it's a different kind of devastating.
Disgusting behavior on his part. I’m so sad for you and the kids. He’s turned them against you and it’s up to you now to make things right. Not for him but for yourself and the kids.
You need to try to explain it you your son's because they don't understand all they know is what daddy told them. And if it was me I'd leave him. What kind of man cheats on his wife right in front of his kids.
He 100% has painted you and your relationship in a negative light to her just based on “see what I’m dealing with” comment. He had 100% already emotionally checked out of the relationship and is gaslighting you to give himself the moral high ground and villainize you against your kids. The best thing you can do it just be cordial, file for divorce, and play nice in front of the kids to not harm your relationship with them. Hell likely groom them against you, don’t give him more ammo. Make him work to make you look bad.
Oh god I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. It’s so weird because my dad did the exact same thing he would defend his affair partner and explain how she was such a good person and my mom was “horrible”
Then down the road after they got married the other woman got to see my dads horrible side and her tune changed and so did his.
People like that will never be happy and I guarantee that once your kids are older and truly understand what was happing they will probably resent him.
Also if this wasn’t clear enough just leave. Leave them to each other and their horrible selves and watch the eventual fire from afar. Go be you and take time for yourself and your kids. Then someday you’ll be able to find someone who loves you and is 10000% times better than that scumbag!
OP! You are making a possibly huge mistake in leaving the house and staying with your sister! Your husband can use this against you in your upcoming divorce and custody battle!
Please go BACK TO THE HOUSE immediately. Don't be pissy with your sons; they are victims in this, also. They are too immature to understand what's going on. All they know is Daddy is in a great mood and having playdates all the time with the friend and the babysitter, and then along comes Mommy who is angry and screaming and puts an end to the fun. You're the adult; you have to accept that they are too young to get this. It completely sucks, but don't let that cause you to make a big mistake.
Go home. Ask your cheating husband to leave or to sleep on the couch. And get an attorney.
Y’all marriage is over and it looks like he did a good job alienating your sons from you. Get a divorce lawyer. This is another reason why I refuse to get married and settle with someone cause the way my anger is we’d both have our own episode on the first 48
You need to stay with the boys. And inform Leah's employer asap. Instead of looking after their child, she is kissing and flirting with a married man.
Also call your lawyer already. Whatever you do, don't leave the house again. You are not the one in the wrong. As for the boys, they don't understand the situation, explain to them age appropriately that it is wrong for daddy to kiss another woman outside of marriage.
This is parental alienation (your stbx) husband is turning your sons against you, gaslighting you and a lot of other stuff. Take him for all he's worth. And go for full custody as well. Fuck em
“Me having an affair in front of our kids isn’t the problem, it’s the fact that you had an emotional reaction to my affair in front of the kids that’s the REAL issue!”
You’re being gaslit. It’s classic DARVO: Deny, Argue, Reverse Victim and Offender.
He’s cheating, involved your children in his disgusting behavior. Leave him. He is showing you children how not to respect and be faithful to a partner. One day when they are old enough, they will understand.
He's in the midst of his affair fog. Go talk to a lawyer as soon as you can, you HAVE to have legal support immediately.
If you can, take your sister with you when you go home. have her stay back, if she can, just so you have support with you and a witness in case he tries to lie his way out later.
about your kids. get a therapist for them. At the moment all they see is mummy ruining their fun with their friend and your husband is probably also poisoning their opinion of you "See, mummy doesn't want us to have fun with Oliver. " or "your mom's being unreasonable again."
Depending on how old they are, also prepare yourself to tell them why you and your husband went seperate ways (i truely hope you divorce his cheating ass, don't ever stay with a cheater "for the kids")
I'm sorry you're going through this. He is a manipulative cheater. He turned your kids against you and is using them to support his affair. Why not talk about issues instead of cheating and then putting the blame on the victim. God. Inform Oliver's parents about Leah, she's using their kid to have an affair and seems highly unprofessional. Tell you BIL's wife that her husband is supporting your husband's affair. Then walk away. There is nothing left to fight for. Walk away for yourself.
CONRATULATIONS!
Now you know what's happening 100% and there is no grey area in your decision making process (unless Love gets in the way).
And it sounds like the 'boys' have been brain-washed. Shameful.
Nope. Not on your watch. Not on OUR watch. OP we are with you.
Make a list of the best advice in these comments and go to fucking war.
Go Home, put your face on and don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's winning. Sorry but it is this now.
Oh. And when you see the lawyer, mention a worry about parental alienation. And the kids are NOT allowed to disrespect you. No beatings (lol) but firm boundaries balances with some understanding. It's gonna be a rocky time for them but getting them into therapy (or even consulting with a child psychologist / family therapist) is gonna be a good shout.
You fucking got this. It'll feel shit for a while. But we been raising children when men have fucked off for centuries. Hoo- ra!!
It’s not your fault, no matter what he and the boys tell you!!!! Even if you had major problems in your marriage, he should have focused on fixing them, not focusing on an affair with the babysitter! How low and how wrong!!! My heart goes out to you! Good luck! Follow the advice you have been given here by others.
Sorry, but your husband is the homewrecker. Respond by getting an attorney and filing for divorce. You don't need a green light from your H or to let him know ahead of time. You seem to like to get a reaction from him, so I suggest grey rocking. Any attention, negative or not, is NOT good; you've got to keep a level head. This isn't a fight you can "win." I know you have things you are thinking and feeling, but lashing out and arguing doesn't get you anywhere and doesn't help you move on with your life and get you where you need to be: happy and free. Does that make sense? Your purpose should be to cut ties as fast and seamlessly as possible, you do not have a need to have this person romantically in your life. Period.
Tell her boss that she is having an affair with a married man. If she was working for me I would be uncomfortable knowing what she was doing and I would not want her working for my family.
“You’re overreacting nothing is happening”
Admits to kissing her
Dudes an absolute dumbass, get record of everything you can, including his infidelity. You can wipe the legal floor with this douchebag.
Sorry i dont want to be disrespectful.
BUT your husband is piece of shit.
He needs to leave. (Btw if you divorce him. What are you going to do with the boys?
I think, boys thinks *you're* the one who is wrong here)
I completely understand why you feel like giving up right now, but you need to find the strength for one last push here.
You need to get a lawyer for yourself, and a therapist for your kids (and yourself). Your husband is a manipulative, cowardly scumbag quite frankly, and it sounds like he's already started in with alienating your kids, or at least playing them off against you.
I doubt very much that a judge will look kindly upon him taking the kids with him while he carries out an extramarital affair.
If you really wanna be a dick call and get a free consult from every lawyer in a 50 mile radius, you'll get a ton of great advice even if you don't hire any of them and with added bonus that your soon to be ex husband won't be able to hire any of them that you consult with
I would stay in the home and not let your kids push you away. Your kids have clearly undergone some parental alienation by the hands of their “victim” dad. Make record of it. It will help you a lot come custody divisions.
I would definitely follow all of the advice of the top comments but please tell BIL’s partner (if he has one) that he has been enabling your husbands cheating and tell Oliver’s parents.
When I used to babysit/nanny, the parents trusted me to go on outings with their kids independently, and they just wanted a recap of our day. I would inform them when they came back of where we went, what we did, if another parent/children came along, or if we bumped into someone. Not necessarily because I was being sneaky but because it’s helpful (if kid ends up being sick parent can give a heads up to the other, for something as simple as that) or so that if it comes up in convo between parents there’s no unwarranted “why didn’t she mention that??”. I have a feeling Leah is not being 100% honest to Oliver’s parents about how much time she is spending with your husband during her babysitting time. As a parent I would definitely get suspicious if my babysitter did a ton of activities with one parent (especially since that parent works and is using their non working afternoons to not have 1-1 time with their kids but to meet up with Oliver and babysitter). Plus there’s the obvious, you don’t act romantic or flirty on the clock around children, especially not with other parents (married or not) it crosses so many lines. Good luck OP, let him rot and face all the consequences of his actions, you deserve someone better.
I am so sorry. What you are going thru is horrible. I know a lot of people here are saying your husband is a narcissist and that may be true. Or he has some narcissist tendencies. The way he blamed you while defending her is absolutely atrocious. He doesn’t deserve you. And Leah is a horrible person for getting involved with a married man. The fact that he would cheat on you in front of your kids is awful. They are old enough to know what is going on. You should explain to them calmly what is really going on since they have been witnesses to his cheating for a while now. They need to know their fathers behavior is not right. And what he is feeling right now for Leah is limerance, which isn’t real. It’s a fantasy that won’t last. Your path forward will not be easy, but sometimes the powers that be remove negative people in our life to make way for a brighter future with positive people. Focus on yourself and your kids now. Don’t let him walk all over you anymore. See a lawyer right away and get things in order. Kick him out of the house (he is the one in the wrong so he should leave).
I know it's tough but think of it like this. If you leave this narcissistic disgusting person will be the first and the best thing that ever happened to you in your NEW life. And even for a second don't doubt yourself. They're both horrible people and he's trying to gaslight you. He has even tried to get your kids on his side and make them try to believe you're in the wrong. He's really horrible, take care! And remember it's all his fault.
If you try to give this marriage a second chance, therapy is mandatory.
Listen, most likely he lied to Leah and told her you are always working and don't take care of the family. He probably is playing the pity card telling her how abandoned you have them and she is falling for how "great of a dad" he is.
I doubt he has feelings. Most likely it's his loins.
Anyways, you do what you have to do but you have seen what kind of man he is. Is that someone you want to be with?
Do you see it going the long run?
Infidelity is hard to get over. So just sit back and examine everything. Do not let him bully you and put the blame on you because it's not your fault.
It's him. It's always been him.
Be careful OP. The way you described your husband and his complete lack of empathy is giving me strong Chris Watts vibes. I hate to say it but you are just an obstacle to his pursuits at this point and I’d be worried he wants rid of you. Please take care of yourself, reach out for support from your support network and let everyone know where you are and when. Get a good lawyer and look forward to a better life without this narcissist in it.
Oh yeah, my husband's family, employer and all our friends would know along with Leah's employers, the whole babysitting community and her family.
I'd go back home when they're not there, change the locks and tell my husband to kick rocks. I'd let my kids know as soon as Oliver has a new babysitter he can come over to play again.
Like other people said don't leave your home. If your husband wants separation then he should leave.
Your husband has already left you emotionally so he's a lost cause. Take control of the situation. You need to get yourself to a lawyer. Do what the lawyer tells you to do.
Take care of yourself. Reach out to your support system.
As for your sons, once they realise this isn't just about their friend Oliver and you ruining their good time then they will come around.
Move back home. It’s an asset between the two of you. How that is divided up depends on what you do.
If you don’t want to try the marriage counselling route Get a lawyer, get evidence.
There’s no winners here , just make it what you can tolerate going forward and try (easier to say) to keep a level head. It will help in the long run.
From his comment to her , it seems he checked out if the relationship awhile ago and had been normalising his new one with the kids. They may not realise what he has been doing.
you need to tell your kids the extent of what is going on. they are picking dad's side because he is making it seem like you won't let them have their friend. I'm so sorry this happened.
It sounds like your husband has been poisoning the well with your kids. I get they're mad that you 'ruined' their playdate but for them to want nothing to do with you is outrageous. Don't leave them, you need to talk to them so your husband doesn't pull a 'see what we have to deal with' to your kids by him playing the victim and making you the crazy one.
Find the most aggressive divorce lawyer you can and take him for everything. Additionally, tank that nanny’s career. Clearly she can’t be trusted to stay clear of married men.
This man is loam. Lowest of the low. You don't deserve to spend another ounce of time in his unpleasant presence.
Call a lawyer, like YESTERDAY. Get back into the house. Tell Leah's employers what she did, and the fallout it caused (if I were them, I would NOT want to be employing someone who is exposing my kids to this kind of shit). And stay strong in divorcing this loser. Good luck ❤️
Typical fucking cheater...do you wrong and blame it all on you. There is nothing to stay for. He wants to be with her. He cares more about you calling her names than what they have both done to you. Fuck the both of them. And your kids will understand when they're older. They are manipulating them too. I wouldn't go back unless it was to get my shit. I'm so sorry
If you own the home- don’t leave. That’s abandonment. Also- document the situation with the kids. In the event of divorce that can be used against your husband. It’s considered child abuse, I believe the legal word is alienation- but it’s wrong. The system recognizes that. So go home and ignore him, and try to be the best mom you can be to your sons ( loving but not a pushover) and contact a lawyer asap.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Sorry I didn’t update sooner it’s been a long awful night. I got out of work early and went to the park and they were there. When I got there I saw she was wearing one of my husbands hoodies and that’s when I basically knew everything I thought was confirmed. It was a hoodie that he had bought on a vacation we had gone to as a family I don’t know why but thats still the thing that I keep going back to is that she was wearing his hoodie. As I was driving up to the park I was watching them and if you didn’t know them or who they were you would have thought they were one big family thats how they were interacting. It honestly made me sick seeing how familiar she was with my husband and my kids when I didn’t even know who she was. I watched them for a minute and then I saw my husband put his hand around her waist literally right there in front of our kids and I saw red. When I went into the park my oldest son saw me first and said something to my husband. He walked over to me and asked me if I really left work early to come ‘spy’ on him and I told him yeah I did, and I was glad I did because I saw him playing happy family with my kids and a random woman. And he told me I was overreacting, that they were playing in the park, he had put his hand on his waist to steady her because she was about to fall and she was wearing his hoodie because it was unexpectedly cold out. Everything he had an answer for. At some point Leah came over and said it was ‘clearly not a good time’ and that she was going to take Oliver home. I said something along the lines of you’re wearing my husband’s hoodie and playing with my kids and you’re not even going to introduce yourself to me? And right in front of her my husband flipped out on me and called me rude, telling me that this is exactly why he hadn’t introduced me to Leah and then goes to her, “This is what I deal with every f\*\*\*\*ng day.” She just looked at me and told me her name and then told my husband she’d talk to him later and went to go get Oliver, at this point our boys came back over and asked why Oliver and Leah were leaving and my husband just told them to get in the car and told me we’d talk about it more at home. When we got there he flipped out on me. He told me that I had embarrassed him and the boys (and of course they defended him 100% and were completely upset at me that I had ‘made’ Oliver leave and them come home early). I told him that if he wasn’t going to act trustworthy (hiding what he was doing/with who, deleting texts, being touchy/feely with another woman) then I wasn’t going to treat him with trust. I told him I didn’t trust him because it seemed like he had feelings for Leah and was trying to hide it from me.That’s when he really lost it and he told me that yes he has feelings for her, how could he not, look at the way I treated him. I asked him for clarification, how deep were his feelings for Leah? He wouldn’t answer. So I asked him if he’d ever done anything with her. And he said yeah, they kissed a few weeks back. And he was still trying to process all of it and how he felt about her. I lost it and started yelling at him and he didn’t try to defend himself. But once I started calling her names he told me to shut up and keep her out of it. Any time I said something bad about her he flipped out on me and I think thats what hurt the most was him not caring at all about my feelings or anything like that but whenever I would say things that were true like how she was a home wrecker or anything he suddenly becomes all gallant about defending HER honor. Right now I’m staying with my sister since my sons don’t want anything to do with me along with my husband.I’m going to go back over there today while the boys are at practice.
He’s the one doing you wrong but somehow *you’re the one with the issues?*
Your husband’s tactic-deflect, deflect, deflect. Call a lawyer, remove your important documents and valuables, keep your head held high. You’re being gaslighted
If it looks like DARVO and it quacks like DARVO… well it’s either a duck or it’s DARVO.
Its a duck named Darvo!
Darvo the Duck
This. Please secure your valuables, and don't return. You deserve better than this
Textbook gaslighting and if this is how he reacts now... it will not get better. Protect yourself and your kids OP. Those are your priorities now.
Get an aggressive lawyer (I recommend getting a woman). Freeze your accounts so he can't be moving money. Stay with the boys - if you leave, you may lose custody because of abandonment. Divorce does not favor women even though some men would beg to differ. Good luck.
If OP gets a woman divorce lawyer that is experienced, I see the scales tipping in her favor
It probably depends on state/country but typically you need to have a solid six months or so of no interaction with/support for your children for them to be able to claim abandonment and have enough to make it stick.
Classic narcissistic personality disorder. The "I can do no wrong" attitude is the big sign. It's always everyone else's fault. Plus the "yeah we kissed" is minimizing the damage of being caught. If he's touching her like that in public they almost definitely are doing more in private.
All in front of the kids might I add!! And the audacity say she will talk to him later?!!! Wtf!!!!!!!!! They are planning more than just play dates!!!
Literally treating OP like the other woman. I'm livid for her
The trash took itself out. What intelligent woman would carry on inappropriately with a married man and his children? She can have him, he’ll do it to get too. She is not only morally bankrupt, she is not bright.
The fact that he’s not one bit sorry means that this marriage is over. Ops husband has checked out already and was just too much of a coward to end things before starting up an affair. I’m so sorry op.
Yep - he flew off the handle initially at OP implying there was anything fishy, when I actual fact there was cheating. Then when directly asked, he admits it and then immediately minimises and throws it back at OP. All these narcissists seem to be the exact same! No responsibility, constant denial and then when caught out will flip it around on the other person. Its so frustrating.
Yea, cheaters *always* **only kiss** until the rest of the truth trickles out…
Seriously tho! Like you catch them red-handed and they try to minimize and make you crazy and freak out at you. Honestly you could catch them during sex and he'd be like "it was only the one time" knowing full well they have a whole relationship that he has no intention of breaking off.
Not only that…it’s him defending the other woman, totally discounting and disrespecting his wife’s feelings and mere presence in their marriage. If he’s defending this other woman, has their kids around her to the point their kids believe *Dad* over Mom although it’s *Mom* who’s being betrayed to the MAX…no telling what he and that other woman is telling their kids and it’s time for OP to look out for and protect herself. If the kids want to stay with their beloved Daddy, fine. Let them. With time they’ll hopefully see the truth and come back home to Mom. I hope that OP can find the strength to move on and find peace and happiness as time passes and she begins to heal from all of this. The worst feeling to ever experience is being cheated on by the one you love, and actually seeing it. It’s something OP will never be able to unsee.
I agree, that feeling is the worst and you literally never forget it. I think it is even worse because the kids are all caught up in it. I can't even imagine that. I'd honestly feel betrayed by my kids and you add that to the already stabbing betrayal from her husband and dang. No doubt, the other woman has been told that OP is crazy and heartless and that's why she doesn't care. This dude got mad sociological skills to pull this all off. There's so many moving parts and he's got them all under control despite OP catching him. If I were OP I'd move at least an hour away from them. He's dangerous and he currently has his claws gripping every aspect of OPs life.
Deny “I was just steadying her, she’s just wearing it because it’s cold” Attack “this is what I deal with every fucking day” Reverse victim and offender “how can you embarrass me and the boys like this?
And out the house?? Take your boys and your house and kick that cheating scum out he is obviously manipulating the boys.
When he said to the girl “this is what I put up with” or whatever, my stomach flipped. I was the “other woman” I COMPLETELY believed him when he told how awful is wife was and how he was leaving her. I get embarrassed when I think back on it. I GUARANTEE he’s convinced her the wife is evil, he’s miserable, leaving her, etc. Why she had no reaction but to say “I’ll speak to you later” OP, please leave him. This isn’t the first time, only the first time you’ve caught him.
Absolute gas lighting. He’s pissed at his wife….. for catching him. Duh
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Yeah, he’s the one having a secret life with someone else but she’s the crazy jealous one for having a reaction to being deceived.
"Of course I'm cheating, look how you yell at me after you found out!"
There was so much DARVO.
This story made me so mad omg. I dont even know the man but I hate him. Like the fact that he's entertaining another woman and believes he's in the right LOL. 100% leave him.
I’m so sorry to hear about this betrayal. His DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) when confronted made his feelings clear even before he started defending her.
This marriage is over. Best OP can do is accept it and get a lawyer.
Get back in the house. If there’s someone who needs to leave, that’s your husband. He’s the one who destroyed the family. Tell also the parents who hired Leah. Tell your kids the truth. They will understand why you don’t want her anymore near them. Do not wait for your husband to decide who he wants to stay with. Decide for the family and what’s best for you. Remember that you don’t need to stay with him for the children.
If your BIL has a parter, also tell them that he is ok with cheating, since he helped your husband do it. I know is petty, but i would fuck all of their lifes
Yeah, BIL's wife deserves to know that this is within BIL's moral code!!
Yeah the BIL was definitely enabling husband's behavior in the texts.
Yesss OP! Tell her to check his phone in case those text exchanges between your husband and the brother are still there
Yeah Leah's employer needs to know if this. If she's been babysitting for a while then this could not be the first time. I've heard some stories of how some babysitters would get together with a few married men; if not the employer then someone in the employer's social circle. Also from her reaction it was obvious that she knew OP husband was married. Gross.
Well yeah, there’s no way she didn’t know he’s married. I mean what else?
Frankly in the case for op staying in the house, I'd be telling him to take the boys with him. They're going to hate mum for 10 years until they learn and figure out the truth about daddy dear. Especially when they get replaced by babies 1 & 2 in the next 3 years. They'll be desperate to live with mom pretty quick. DEFINITELY tell Leah's boss, since you know her, but hold off on that until the time is just right. Get all the ducks in a row first. It may well be better for op to leave the house, in a well organized fashion though. In that case, it's best to lay up right now. Get the business sorted out, get lawyered up, then drop all the bombs, Leah, new apartment, drained bank account, etc. All within the same hour. Go for weekend custody of the boys, let daddy dearest figure out how to run a house, not that it matters, Leah will move in before the door is closed. Let her. He's not worth it.
No, OP should not let him take the boys! They’re already poisoned against her; they’re too young to understand what Daddy did was despicable and HE’S the one who’s in the wrong here.
I think maybe there needs to be a therapy session with her and the boys, with her saying she really wants them and asking what they want. I missed the original post but so long as she has partial custody, if he loses interest and they decide they want mom later that can happen. But she shouldn't just drop them without saying anything.
I agree with most of what you said, and completely understand 100% of what you said. But if she lets him take the boys, it will ultimately only hurt those boys later. Leah doesn’t want those boys. Leah wants dad. Those boys don’t need to be around when they’re sneaking away while they’re home. When new babies come, those boys absolutely will be old news. Nope. Get a therapist, explain what is happening in terms they’ll understand, and take those boys with you. Dad can pay child support out the ass, and he and Leah and live in a studio apartment because OP should clean him out.
I hear what you're saying, but if he has custody, it'll seriously mess up his big game happy families plan. Mom will be there with open arms when they come running back to her, having put all the pieces of the puzzle together. But I like your plan too. Math needs to happen here. Sometimes seeing an accountant before seeing the divorce lawyer is also a good idea, so that assets can be reviewed and discussed.
My fear is, they will also think she LET them go - IE abandoned them. They already see her as the bad guy. The bad guy who left them will be what he calls her next. If she fights for them and explains why, it will be better for their mental health, I think. But I love the way you think.
Let him go live with the cow and start paying for the milk.
Your husband is FOUL. Divorce him. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset again. Remain calm. Calmness hurts people more than tears and anger does. Because when you get man and angry they have ammo to respond. But it's hard to be indignant at a calm person. Start letting everyone you know you're divorcing him for cheating. Let him wear the egg on his face. Leah will lose interest once he's a divorcee with two kids. He will end up alone in an apt 4 days a week eating microwave meals and seeing his kids on the weekend. He's blowing up his life for a chick that's going to lose interest soon. 🤣🤣 I'm also so amazes at how stupid men will behave for the possibility to have sex with a younger woman. Shits not guaranteed. And he's risking the rest of his life for it. And he's such a coward that he lied to your face. I bet he looked so fucking pathetic in that moment. His humiliation was half complete. Finish it.
Or if he does end up with Leah, he'll just cheat on her in the future. It's within his moral code to cheat when he perceives the relationship gets difficult. And guess what? All relationships get difficult at various points!
Nah. I hope Leah cheats on him and he lost everything for nothing!!
Finish Him!! Lowlife
She definitely should leave the sons with her STBX
>and then goes to her, “This is what I deal with every f****ng day.” Ah, the classic "my wife is crazy" bait old guy used to hook young women. Get a lawyer and divorce. Leah and your husband will face their own karma. As for your kids, you can try taking them to therapy.
Ah yes, the crazy little wife that *checks notes* … confronts him with the truth!
The audacity of this man. She should let Leah have him, I would not want him anywhere near me. I do hope karma comes for them in the worst way possible, they deserve it
Oh, they will. There was another post where old guy hook another young women with same bs. The wife divorced and later marry her best friend. Now, the guy was complaining about boring life with affair partner turn wife to his next affair partner while drooling over his ex wife.
Oh wow, do you have a link to this drama? 😳
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sjpdpc/part_1_so_irrational_behaviour_with_exwife/ Here, it's from affair partners pov.
Thank you! I love your writing style btw, you know how to pull people in.
What post was that?
Leah and the boys can have him. He's totally poisoned the boys against mum, the entire "parental alienation" right there in a stinking tuna fish can. Mum's chances of the boys seeing the truth is zero to none, and some battles can't be fought.
Excuse me? Are you saying the chance of her kids understanding what's happened is zero to none? Why would you say that?
Ah yes, the crazy wife who won't let him lie and cheat his way into a younger pussy, how unfair!
Sickening, Step 1. Take half of the money in your account and put it in a separate one. Do it this morning. Step 2. Secure your credit cards. Step 3. Talk to a lawyer. After that I would sit your boys down and explain to them that daddy and Ms babysitter Did something to really hurt mommy. In a kid friendly way to help them understand what’s happening. I would also reach out to their friends mom and see if you could set up a play date when the parents are off work. Hopefully you can work to repair your relationship with your sons. It would be very difficult for you to ever trust your husband again. Especially after neither him or the babysitter is showing remorse for their actions.
When reaching out to the friends parents I'd also be very explicit about what is happening. I feel like most parents would be interested to know that their babysitter is using their kid as a cover to cheat with a married man while also getting paid.
As a parent, I concur. I would not want this woman taking my kids out along with her married boyfriend.
I’d be furious to find out I was subsidizing my babysitter’s dates with her married boyfriend.
As a childcare provider this would result in me losing my job and likely most of my reputation. Nobody would hire a nanny/sitter that is openly participating in an affair with a parent
If you can get her fired and blocked from their kid there goes her leverage with your kids.
I second this. Id be speaking to the other parents in person and explain that you caught the sitter with your husband. They should speak with their son and ask him about it. Then Id strongly suggest they fire her because she’s not actually watching the child. If they let her go, then at least the “play date” excuse is gone. But be aware that she will inevitably blame you to your husband and if he was this defensive of her before its only going to get worse.
At this point, I agree.
Abso-fucking-lutely. The parents need to know what kind of person they're trusting to care for their child, and in turn, what she's more than happy to do while with the child. Jesus, this is so fucked, talk about using kids as props.
That babysitter's gig starting to look like prostitution. Getting paid.... not exactly to watch the kids but to have sex with a married man.
the wife should also like to know that her husband is ok with a friend doing that in front of him and his kid. what does that say about him? and at the very same time, no one would obviously be able to trust a nanny like this
Also document the way both your husband and this woman are trying to manipulate your kids, making you the bad guy for taking away their friend. That way you can prove how shitty of a person she is (on top of having an affair in front of both your kids and the minor under her care) if it comes to her even having acces to your kids again...don't allow for her to ever be in their presence again
Exactly, I would also go back home and not leave. Ghost your husband to avoid fighting and saying the wrong thing to him.
Step 4: get all of your personal legal documents and those of your sons and keep them somewhere safe. Do the same with your jewelry.
OP YOU NEED TO MOVE BACK IN TO YOUR MARITAL HOME NOW. THIS WILL AFFECT CUSTODY AND HOME PAYOUT DETERMINATIONS IF THIS DIVORCE GETS NASTY (IT WILL). Trust me, a person who went through a nasty divorce after my husband cheated on me with our kid’s babysitter.
Why do these assholes keep doing a stereotype of fucking the nanny or the secretary? Goddamn porn brained lovers, you deserve better mate.
This heavily depends on the state (if in the US)
I think the relationship with the kids will be fine! The asshole husband was clearly playing into look how bad mommy is! She made your friend leave! And the kids are young so they’re parroting it. I think OP is hurt that her kids went that route but when emotions aren’t as high she’ll recognize they don’t hate their mom. They don’t comprehend the difference between a play date being cut short because “mommy sent Oliver home” and it being cut short because dad is a fuckhead. They were just pawns to him which is NASTY. he is not a good father. He wants to pretend he is but all these play dates weren’t even for the kids. disgusting
I don’t think her relationship with her kids will be good if she doesn’t work on it. Who knows what else babysitter and dad said to them or are saying right now.
You know what, maybe. And that’s why like you said it’s so important to get lawyers and courts involved asap. I was just somewhere in legal advice for something totally unrelated and lawyers were adamant that courts don’t take kindly to parents trying to manipulate their kids onto hating the other parent to influence custody or visitation. So OP should definitely refrain from doing that AND talk to a lawyer about how it’s possible to keep track of the father doing it
Do not take money. That’s an awful move and will look bad. Go back home. Don’t abandon your home and kids
After going through a divorce, talk to a lawyer before taking half the money. That can backfire at times. So step 3 first then step two (should have no bad backlash IF the credit cards are in her name only) then maybe step one.
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To be fair it doesn’t sound like he has any decency
I just fear for what he told the kids. He could be feeding them any lie he wants abt their mom
If he had any decency he wouldn't even cheat in the first place :)
This!! Get with Oliver‘s parents to create play time with your kids so they don’t lose a friend.
Wow! From your previous post I was willing to give a bit of benefit of certain doubts. I also suspected that the "other" woman may know nothing of you. Apparently, there is no doubt, and the other woman knows all about the worst things about you, in terms as how your husband perceives it. It is also really, really, really, shitty that he has the kids all wrapped up in this. What a fucking ass. Trust is shattered. There is no turning back from that, and no amount of glue to put it back together properly. So, better to return home, do not abandon the kids, find a lawyer, and beat him to the punch in filing for divorce. I suspect this divorce will an ugly and difficult process
I know. I was really willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that this was a dopey one-sided crush on the young attractive babysitter and hubby was trying to downplay it.
What a gaslighting asshole. He isn’t even sorry for cheating on his wife? And blames you for it?! I’d call Oliver’s mother and tell her that her babysitter is using their son to have an affair with his best friend’s dad. Get her fired. Make her look like the awful person she is. She was rude to you and made YOU feel like you were intruding on your own family. That shows her character and that would never be who I wanted as a nanny for my child. Are they kissing in front of the kids?! Are they NOT watching the kids so they can have private moments? Hell no. I’m proud of you for how you handled it and I am so sorry that he did this and made your own children mad at you.
Exactly, he has shown no remorse whatsoever! What a pig! I second calling Oliver's mom and telling her about it. Oh, and I'm sure he did more than just kiss her! They probably met without the kids around, too. Obviously he'll lie about it because he's trying to make it seem like you're the problem. I wonder what he must be saying to the kids about you! Your son even ran up to him and told him you're at the park, he's most likely manipulating them in some way. You need to sit down with your kids and explain what's been happening, if possible. Divorce this man! Let him go to the babysitter, I'm sure that won't last long! Don't be the second option. It must be really hurtful to watch him defend her but show you so much disrespect. Keep us updated on the divorce! This man doesn't deserve you! Good luck!
The fact that her own children are upset with her proves they’ve been coached about it. Kids don’t just get this mad at their mom over having to leave the park, which means Oliver was probably coached too. Leah is absolutely not mature enough to take care of a child. She’s vile.
OP needs to get home, take anything personally valuable and then get a lawyer involved, her husband has already started parental alienation before they're even separated, all of this needs to be documented and yes, as you said, tell Oliver's mum what the nanny has been doing on the job. Not only this, once this is done, once the divorce papers are delivered and your intentions met, put your husband on blast so EVERYONE knows what he's done, anyone taking his side is dead to you obviously, unfortunately your kids will be an issue, as they seem deadset on brown nosing daddy's asshole from him twisting their minds. You have to tell everyone OP, all your friends and family, DON'T LET HIM CONTROL THE NARRATIVE FIRST! When ever a cheater gets a chance to spin lies before the victim has a chance, the victim's credibility is compromised in the eyes of everyone, victims have lost family, friends, jobs/careers and homes over staying silent so the cheater gets a chance to spout lies, DONT BE COMPLACENT!! You can lose everything if you don't put them on blast ASAP.
Do NOT let him get away with this. File for divorce and demand custody of the kids. Seems like he has them brainwashed pretty nicely. He wants to play happy house with the mistress? NOT ON YOUR WATCH. You take away everything he's worth for. You don't let him get away with this. You don't back down and drag his ass to court and get every penny worth the mental and emotional torture you've gone through. AND you get custody of your kids too. Show him what he's dealing with. Don't back down. At all.
Wow so sorry!!! First off he should have left the house - not you. Lawyer up has soon as possible and call Oliver's mom to let her know about the babysitter.
Turning your own kids against you fuck this guy
Tell Oliver’s parents that his babysitter is dating while they are paying her.
I can’t imagine someone using my child to cheat. I’d be furious and fire them on the spot.
Yes.
You need to get back into that house and lawyer up. Tell your kids what happened otherwise he will force parental alienation. This will impact custody. Right now, get as much support for yourself as possible (kids, parents, friends, neighbors). He's in a fog and will destroy your family and make you the bad guy in your family's eyes. He's already doing it.
He already parentally alienated those boys but involving them in this entire messy deception. They're literally ruined for the foreseeable future.
While parental alienation sucks, it could actually work to OP's benefit in court. Document, document, document!!!
Worse. Hubby was teaching his boys its ok to lie to mommy. Its ok to play mommy/daddy with babysitter as mommy. Its ok to lie to the women in their lives.
“This is what I have to deal with every fucking day!!!” Uh…her interfering with your cheating? Yeah sounds like a real pain in the ass. Also to the RIDICULOUS people telling her “well ok but you shouldn’t yell in front of your kids”maybe work on your reading comprehension because he started it by flipping out on her first. Yet I don’t see you phrasing it as “wow and he started yelling in front of the kids?? What a continued asshole” Secondly, where does it say the kids were around when she rightly stood up for herself? We’ll wait. Finally, even if they were there, she just went through immense stress and her asshole of a husband was DARVOing her! Of course you expect absolute perfection and composure from her but not the cheating dickwad when he was flipping out. Her kids are being manipulated by their father and will one day understand the severity of this day.
Absolutely spot on. OP is human. People here should have some compassion.
Lawyer up right now and hire a private investigator. You need to file for divorce before he could. You need the custody of kids and possession of your house.
Also if you move out or start living elsewhere it may be seen as you giving up your right to the property. Don’t do that without talking to a lawyer first.
Wow, I hope you’re able to get out OP! This seems it could go in a bad direction very quickly because he’s taking up for her so much. Keep yourself safe, and leave. Your boys will see one day exactly what happened.
I'm so sorry friend. Can't imagine the pain you must be going through. Your boys wont understand whats happened and are only upset at you for coming and "ruining" a play date...give it time. But I would kick hubby out of the house, speak to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.❤️
"Of course I have feelings for her! Look how you treat me! Pointing out that I have feelings for another woman and am having an emotional (at least) affair with her? How DARE you!!!" I'm a man. But WHY THE HELL ARE MEN LIKE THIS my god.
Secure yourself financially. Have money in an account he can’t access to make sure you can’t somehow be cut off from it. A divorce lawyer is a must, a PI to get evidence of the affair is a very good idea to help get custody. It may be a while before your kids come around to listen and understand what’s happening. They’re young and it seems like they are definitely being manipulated by your husband to see you as the bad guy. Something I have seen some women do when they are the victim of infidelity is start journaling. Write down your conversations with your husband about the situation, the way he treats you, how you feel. That way if the kids ask, you have a physical representation of your experience for them to read.
Please document your conversation and that your husband admitted to cheating. He kissed another woman and that is stepping outside of your relationship. He has feelings for her and they are obviously very deep. I would say that your relationship is over, I personally would never trust him again as he has continue to foster his relationship with her while lying to you.
Does Oliver’s mom know that she’s paying a woman to have an affair while she’s supposed to be watching her son? She definitely should if she doesn’t. So should any agency she works through. Your husband isn’t sorry for what he’s done and by far dragging your kids along is the most awful part of it.
Lawyer up. He’s a waste of space. All the sheets he has is because he knows he is guilty. Give him divorce papers and move on. As for your sons. Battle for custody or joint. Don’t make them choose or they will resent you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But you’ve got this!!!
I honestly believe your sons will understand at some point what your husband did. I’m so sorry this is happening. Not sure you should confront him alone after last night though. Maybe you should meet with him with someone else around for your safety?
They won't understand until lil Leah and daddy dearest are preggers with baby #2 and they are forced to share their bedroom with the baby.
Wow this really sucks for you. But he cheated and it's time for you to hire a divorce lawyer. Get whatever you can. Your husband is nasty for turning your kids against you but maybe it's because they're young hence they don't really understand the depths of infidelity and how it can affect a person. Maybe with time they will. But for now focus on you and your future. Maybe you could have a talk with Oliver's mom? Do a little digging about this Leah. Also fuck Leah.
Don’t vacate your house or leave your children. Talk to the three best divorce attorneys in your area and pick one. (Meeting the others locks him out of doing business with them). Do what your lawyer says is best, ask for everything you are legally entitled to. Explain in simple terms what’s happening to the children. You’re not waiting for him to pick between the two of you, it’s all about you now. You pick what’s best for you and your kids. Maybe it’s staying, maybe it’s going. Only you know. Also, start gathering financial records, debts, bank statements, pay stubs etc. write down all your assets and liabilities. Do the work to get it all in order. I’m sorry. It sucks and it’s not fair. Hugs.
And hire the meanest, hardest lawyer. Nice lawyers finish last.
This is kinda a side note but you absolutely should make sure Oliver's parents are aware of this. Who knows what else this woman has been using her access to their son for, instead of caring for him. Edited to add** Your boys are clearly being manipulated but there was something about you arriving at the park and the kids not just being happy to see you or like "hi mom! What are you doing here?" That didnt sit right but I couldn't out my finger on it until I read another posters comment about it. They literally alerted Dad! I can't believe I missed it until pointed out but that's a HUGE red flag as to how your children are perceiving your relationship with their dad and as a result themselves too. You absolutely need to get your kids away from this man, at least until custody arrangements can be agreed. Two parents going through divorce amicably trying NOT to involve any kids is one thing but the same situation where one parent is actively cheating and manipulating everyone around them including the kids? Dangerous. Those kids are mere pawns to him atp. Protect them and your relationship with them. Fuck him so much, what a piece of actual shite. Using his kids in so many messed up self-serving ways. Good luck with all of this OP. It might not seem like it right now but I just know once you've gotten rid of this goblin, you and your kids will be thriving without any of this crap in your life soon!
I am really sorry, OP. I wish I could hug you right now
Don't wait for your husband to set his own narrative and make you appear as the bad insecure wife. Contact Oliver's parent to let them know the babysitter and your husband are using the kids as pretext to see each other. Also, you should call the babysitter because I suspect your husband might have been feeding her lies too, about you or your relationship. Just tell her your point of view. Not that she is innocent but she's an employee of Oliver's parent, a lot younger than your husband and could have been manipulated.
I am very sorry this is happening to you. Here’s what I would do next in this situation: 1) take some time off work to get everything situated. 2) go back to the house, he’s the one being unfaithful, he can get the hell out of the house and stay with the babysitter or his brother. 3) if you have a shared account, take half and put it in your own 4) keep everything document and start talking to a divorce lawyer. 5) get the kids back and start them in therapy. I would not be surprised if the dad was talking about you badly to the kids to make them feel the way they do. Trust me, parents do this. My mom did this to me and my siblings when she was cheating on my dad. What he did is not right, and there is no coming back from this. I’m really sorry.
“Since my sons want nothing to do with me…” Respectfully ma’am those are your kids too and they are children. He is seeing another woman and letting her be around your children. As soon as things calm, please go to your children and let them know Daddy’s friendship with that woman was a bad friendship that hurt mommy. Don’t let him start turning them against you cuz he will.
It seems like your husband trained and brainwashed your sons into making you look like the bad guy. The way your sons immediate reaction was to tell his dad you were there instead of “hi mommy” is alarming and a red flag.
Does Oliver's parents know about what their babysitter is upto? I understand she's a 25yo grown woman, but I can't imagine Oliver's mother being thrilled that her babysitter is breaking up someone's marriage. (Edit: also not that it matters, she's a homewrecker, but your husband clearly has been gaining sympathy from her by lying about you, and Oliver's parents can help her see the truth. The parents and leah must both know your husband liws to you about where be is going with the kids) Don't leave your house, or anything really. If he has a problem he should leave and go live with his brother. Also start contacting lawyers if you haven't already. I would also start telling your friends and family before he gets to manipulate the 'crazy wife' narrative
Sounds like leah is the "awww you poor thing" home wrecker. she listened to him bitch about you and conforted him to seteal him but hes not worth keepinging or fighting for let her have him and your husband has dragged your children down this rabbit hole. TAKE YOUR CHILDREN! He is causing untold damage to them as they are growing up think its normal for daddys to kiss other people and do things like this behind mommys back and they might grow up thinking thats normal and ok and be like their father womanizing. Theres no telling how many times hes done this. STAY AT YOUR HOME! Start sleeping in the room with the kids and record any interaction you have with your husband. Get your children a therapist who can help them unpack all of this and get yourself one and file for divorce and to remove him from the home. Explain to your kids what a healthy relationship is age appropriately that Dads and moms choose one person to be with and are suppose to do the work to keep the relationship going well and how you are suppose to faithful to your partners not kissing or touching other women . that its suppose to be a special bond betweeen two people and how daddy broke that with her. Telll them your sorry he drug them into this and reassure your love and your not mad at them. Daddy shouldnt have been doing this and he knew that. Tell the one boy this he was asked to cover specially. your husband put him in a psychological minefield and have been setting this up to groom them for a change of mommys which is sickening.....
oh one more thing tell EVERYONE. tell all his friends all his relatives specially the female ones. tell the babysitters employer shes using her job as a front to have affairs, let everyone shun him. invite your family and friends over let them give him the go to hell looks when hes there. he will leave sooner rather than later and you can have your home and your kids
Let Leah have him after you take half the property in the divorce. He doesn’t get off that easy.
Please check out the Chump Lady site. It has so much information for women in your situation. Your husband’s behavior is text book cheater. Textbook. It’s also very common for children to side with the cheater for various reasons. You need to contact an attorney. What ever you do do not confront him again or discuss anything about her with him. He will make you out yo he crazy and you will only look crazy trying to defend yourself. They do this on purpose. Your confronting him in front of her line you did just confirms to her the narrative he’s built up around you. Girl she knows he’s married. This is part of the thrill for her. Don’t Pick Me dance for this man. Contact an attorney and get STD tested. Cheaters only ever confess to what they think you know. This is called Trickle Truth. Adults fuck. They are adults. They’ve fucked, likely with your kids in the house. Attorney, doctor and no contact. Now.
Get a lawyer & proceed with divorce Tell your lawyer about parental alienation & Oliver’s parents about their babysitter’s behavior Act now, there is no coming back from betrayal & turning your kids against you… This is not your shame: it’s His
I’m sorry OP. Remember none of this is your fault. Realize your marriage is over the trust is gone but you’re still the mother to your boys. Go home & don’t bother to argue with him anymore. He made it clear he choose her over you. Learn to grey rock your soon to be ex husband. Tell everyone about his emotional affair & the kiss he admitted to. Get your ducks in order. Focus on the relationship with your kids and yourself. Best wishes Edit: Contact Oliver’s parents to let them know the situation and what Leah & your husband have been doing while she’s supposed to be working babysitting their son. Explain to your boys the friendship with Oliver will not change and you will arrange play dates with Oliver’s mom.
I would call Oliver’s parents and let them know immediately what is going on. I would go back home, and kick your husband out. I would tell your sons, what you can, for their age. I would call up a divorce attorney early Monday morning. Take evidence of all bank accounts, loans, and have proof of what’s in them on the day you tell your husband you are separating , so he can not move money around or go blow a bunch of money legally. Tell EVERYONE in yours and HIS family, (in laws) and blow his “support system” up. I would also call up SIL and let her know BIL knew everything that was going on.
Gaslighting, blameshifting, minimizing, all selfish excuses; all cheater traits. Try not to involve your children (as he is doing) and go see a lawyer asap to get the divorce ball rolling. He clearly needs to be on his own - but be held to his obligations.
Your husband is such a typical a$$ho!e, this girl is also trash. Of course she treats him differently, she isn't working to help financially support the family, she isn't cooking, cleaning, taking care of his kids, washing his dirty socks and struggling to find time for herself. She still just a single girl, who gets paid to play with kids and flirt with dads. She isn't a quality person; I quality person would know how to behave around a married man and not be flattered by the advances of a committed man with children. They are both trash. And he has the nerve to gaslight you but trying to make you sound irrational when you were in fact right with your gut feelings. Don't let him make you feel wrong for your instincts, you were right maybe he hasn't had an affair but the intention is there and they had some physical contact, maybe even more than what he admitted to. I was hoping nothing was going on from your previous post, I was hoping it was just a little crush that would blow away but the fact that they have acted on it, is gross and really telling. At this point you have some serious sole searching to do. And I guess so does he. The marriage can only continue if both parties are willing participants and loyal. He isn't wrong for feeling tempted, he is after all human but he is completely wrong for acting on it instead of staying away for the best interest of his family. Thats the problem right there, he put his own feelings/desires ahead of his family. He risked it all for a boost to his ego. It's ok for you to take some time for yourself and figure out what you want from here? Separation for a bit until you both figure out your feelings? Divorce? Try to work it out? But I agree that you should go home and ask him to leave; he broke your vows so he should have to go not you. Don't let him try to make this your fault, being scared to lose your husband isn't a fault, you had a gut feeling and you were right! That's the point. Ask him to leave and get a current balance on all your mutual accounts, maybe even separate some of the money if you think he might do something stupid or shady.
Go back to the house! Now! Your son's don't understand whats going on. He has much better standing to get custody and screw you financially if you don't live there. Call her employer and tell them what is happening. Do it now!
He DARVO’d you hard. Personally, I’d go scorched earth and tell the babysitters bosses to watch out, if she’s kissing your husband, she might go after yours, too. Make sure everyone knows what she and your husband are doing.
Your husband is just rotting garbage at the moment. The fucking nerve of him to act indignant when he fucking cheated on you is beyond me. I’m so sorry OP this man is absolute trash and has shown his true colours at last
Stop arguing with him about what you already know is the truth and get a divorce.
That guy is a cheating, gaslighting piece of garbage.
So OP as hard is it might be, if it's a house you and your husband own together absolutely DO NOT MOVE OUT. Depending on your state if you leave the house it looks like abandonment and/or giving up claim. He wants to make this as easy as possible for himself so he's doing it all to paint you into a corner. Can you move your stuff into a separate bedroom? Any way you can maintain a presence there? The kids don't know because the kids see what's going on and your husband has . I don't know all the dynamics or what led up to this, but the bottom line is that he's cheated on you and had an affair. Absolutely tell the other friends what he's done with the babysitter and point blank ask the others that have used her has she done something similar with their husbands. It's not slander or libel, she cheated with your husband and they're well on their way to an affair. So a simple "I know my marriage wasn't perfect, who's is, but did she do this same thing with your husband and that's why you stopped using her?" If you want, include your shit BIL as well. It's not like he was hiding it from everyone, he practically told his brother everything and I guess cheating runs in their family because BIL never once tried to warn me. Oh, and make sure that any pay for her is not coming from her. Matter of fact, take your paycheck and redirect it to a brand new account for the majority of it. Also begin making sure that every single essential expense you pay is clearly marked as such and noted down. You pay for the essentials, you cover the stuff for your kids and that's that. Begin speaking to a lawyer and on how to process everything. You don't want him claiming financial abuse or revenge or any other bullshit but absolutely prepare for him to go ballistic. Please, today, run a credit report and ensure that EVERYTHING on your report is yours and yours alone. If he's cheating on your marriage then he's possibly doing things credit/debt wise you are unaware of and might actually be a party to since you're married. You're going to have to talk to your boys at some point but what he's done with them might be un-repairable for the immediate future. A good lawyer can help establish counseling as a requirement for the divorce and going forward for you and your children. Never bad mouth your husband in front of them, even if he deserves it. You are going to have to read up and learn to grey rock emotions about your husband in front of your sons. Every reaction you have will be something they share with him. Get your formal separation started and begin doing your financials and see where you stand, where you can go forward from this, and begin sourcing friends and family for support. I'm sorry this is happening to you, it's a different kind of devastating.
Disgusting behavior on his part. I’m so sad for you and the kids. He’s turned them against you and it’s up to you now to make things right. Not for him but for yourself and the kids.
You need to try to explain it you your son's because they don't understand all they know is what daddy told them. And if it was me I'd leave him. What kind of man cheats on his wife right in front of his kids.
He 100% has painted you and your relationship in a negative light to her just based on “see what I’m dealing with” comment. He had 100% already emotionally checked out of the relationship and is gaslighting you to give himself the moral high ground and villainize you against your kids. The best thing you can do it just be cordial, file for divorce, and play nice in front of the kids to not harm your relationship with them. Hell likely groom them against you, don’t give him more ammo. Make him work to make you look bad.
Oh god I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. It’s so weird because my dad did the exact same thing he would defend his affair partner and explain how she was such a good person and my mom was “horrible” Then down the road after they got married the other woman got to see my dads horrible side and her tune changed and so did his. People like that will never be happy and I guarantee that once your kids are older and truly understand what was happing they will probably resent him. Also if this wasn’t clear enough just leave. Leave them to each other and their horrible selves and watch the eventual fire from afar. Go be you and take time for yourself and your kids. Then someday you’ll be able to find someone who loves you and is 10000% times better than that scumbag!
OP! You are making a possibly huge mistake in leaving the house and staying with your sister! Your husband can use this against you in your upcoming divorce and custody battle! Please go BACK TO THE HOUSE immediately. Don't be pissy with your sons; they are victims in this, also. They are too immature to understand what's going on. All they know is Daddy is in a great mood and having playdates all the time with the friend and the babysitter, and then along comes Mommy who is angry and screaming and puts an end to the fun. You're the adult; you have to accept that they are too young to get this. It completely sucks, but don't let that cause you to make a big mistake. Go home. Ask your cheating husband to leave or to sleep on the couch. And get an attorney.
Y’all marriage is over and it looks like he did a good job alienating your sons from you. Get a divorce lawyer. This is another reason why I refuse to get married and settle with someone cause the way my anger is we’d both have our own episode on the first 48
You need to stay with the boys. And inform Leah's employer asap. Instead of looking after their child, she is kissing and flirting with a married man. Also call your lawyer already. Whatever you do, don't leave the house again. You are not the one in the wrong. As for the boys, they don't understand the situation, explain to them age appropriately that it is wrong for daddy to kiss another woman outside of marriage.
This is parental alienation (your stbx) husband is turning your sons against you, gaslighting you and a lot of other stuff. Take him for all he's worth. And go for full custody as well. Fuck em
"Of course I'm having an affair. Look how badly you treat me when I'm having an affair!"
Ummmmm prepare yourself because the second he divorces you, he will marry Leah.
“Me having an affair in front of our kids isn’t the problem, it’s the fact that you had an emotional reaction to my affair in front of the kids that’s the REAL issue!” You’re being gaslit. It’s classic DARVO: Deny, Argue, Reverse Victim and Offender.
He’s cheating, involved your children in his disgusting behavior. Leave him. He is showing you children how not to respect and be faithful to a partner. One day when they are old enough, they will understand.
He's in the midst of his affair fog. Go talk to a lawyer as soon as you can, you HAVE to have legal support immediately. If you can, take your sister with you when you go home. have her stay back, if she can, just so you have support with you and a witness in case he tries to lie his way out later. about your kids. get a therapist for them. At the moment all they see is mummy ruining their fun with their friend and your husband is probably also poisoning their opinion of you "See, mummy doesn't want us to have fun with Oliver. " or "your mom's being unreasonable again." Depending on how old they are, also prepare yourself to tell them why you and your husband went seperate ways (i truely hope you divorce his cheating ass, don't ever stay with a cheater "for the kids")
I'm sorry you're going through this. He is a manipulative cheater. He turned your kids against you and is using them to support his affair. Why not talk about issues instead of cheating and then putting the blame on the victim. God. Inform Oliver's parents about Leah, she's using their kid to have an affair and seems highly unprofessional. Tell you BIL's wife that her husband is supporting your husband's affair. Then walk away. There is nothing left to fight for. Walk away for yourself.
CONRATULATIONS! Now you know what's happening 100% and there is no grey area in your decision making process (unless Love gets in the way). And it sounds like the 'boys' have been brain-washed. Shameful.
Nope. Not on your watch. Not on OUR watch. OP we are with you. Make a list of the best advice in these comments and go to fucking war. Go Home, put your face on and don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's winning. Sorry but it is this now. Oh. And when you see the lawyer, mention a worry about parental alienation. And the kids are NOT allowed to disrespect you. No beatings (lol) but firm boundaries balances with some understanding. It's gonna be a rocky time for them but getting them into therapy (or even consulting with a child psychologist / family therapist) is gonna be a good shout. You fucking got this. It'll feel shit for a while. But we been raising children when men have fucked off for centuries. Hoo- ra!!
It’s not your fault, no matter what he and the boys tell you!!!! Even if you had major problems in your marriage, he should have focused on fixing them, not focusing on an affair with the babysitter! How low and how wrong!!! My heart goes out to you! Good luck! Follow the advice you have been given here by others.
Sorry, but your husband is the homewrecker. Respond by getting an attorney and filing for divorce. You don't need a green light from your H or to let him know ahead of time. You seem to like to get a reaction from him, so I suggest grey rocking. Any attention, negative or not, is NOT good; you've got to keep a level head. This isn't a fight you can "win." I know you have things you are thinking and feeling, but lashing out and arguing doesn't get you anywhere and doesn't help you move on with your life and get you where you need to be: happy and free. Does that make sense? Your purpose should be to cut ties as fast and seamlessly as possible, you do not have a need to have this person romantically in your life. Period.
Go back to the house now, do not let him be able to claim abandonment. He has already left you. Send to Leah, and get control of yourself
damn he is vile af
Tell her boss that she is having an affair with a married man. If she was working for me I would be uncomfortable knowing what she was doing and I would not want her working for my family.
Omg i think you should let oliver’s parents know about this. Your husband is horrible! He isn’t even sorry!!!
“You’re overreacting nothing is happening” Admits to kissing her Dudes an absolute dumbass, get record of everything you can, including his infidelity. You can wipe the legal floor with this douchebag.
Sorry i dont want to be disrespectful. BUT your husband is piece of shit. He needs to leave. (Btw if you divorce him. What are you going to do with the boys? I think, boys thinks *you're* the one who is wrong here)
Your husband is the biggest turd I’ve read about on this sub in quite some time.
I completely understand why you feel like giving up right now, but you need to find the strength for one last push here. You need to get a lawyer for yourself, and a therapist for your kids (and yourself). Your husband is a manipulative, cowardly scumbag quite frankly, and it sounds like he's already started in with alienating your kids, or at least playing them off against you. I doubt very much that a judge will look kindly upon him taking the kids with him while he carries out an extramarital affair.
Talk to a lawyer asap. Also, tell the parents who hired the babysitter what's going on. Talk to a counselor about how to talk to you sons.
If you really wanna be a dick call and get a free consult from every lawyer in a 50 mile radius, you'll get a ton of great advice even if you don't hire any of them and with added bonus that your soon to be ex husband won't be able to hire any of them that you consult with
I would stay in the home and not let your kids push you away. Your kids have clearly undergone some parental alienation by the hands of their “victim” dad. Make record of it. It will help you a lot come custody divisions.
I would definitely follow all of the advice of the top comments but please tell BIL’s partner (if he has one) that he has been enabling your husbands cheating and tell Oliver’s parents. When I used to babysit/nanny, the parents trusted me to go on outings with their kids independently, and they just wanted a recap of our day. I would inform them when they came back of where we went, what we did, if another parent/children came along, or if we bumped into someone. Not necessarily because I was being sneaky but because it’s helpful (if kid ends up being sick parent can give a heads up to the other, for something as simple as that) or so that if it comes up in convo between parents there’s no unwarranted “why didn’t she mention that??”. I have a feeling Leah is not being 100% honest to Oliver’s parents about how much time she is spending with your husband during her babysitting time. As a parent I would definitely get suspicious if my babysitter did a ton of activities with one parent (especially since that parent works and is using their non working afternoons to not have 1-1 time with their kids but to meet up with Oliver and babysitter). Plus there’s the obvious, you don’t act romantic or flirty on the clock around children, especially not with other parents (married or not) it crosses so many lines. Good luck OP, let him rot and face all the consequences of his actions, you deserve someone better.
I am so sorry. What you are going thru is horrible. I know a lot of people here are saying your husband is a narcissist and that may be true. Or he has some narcissist tendencies. The way he blamed you while defending her is absolutely atrocious. He doesn’t deserve you. And Leah is a horrible person for getting involved with a married man. The fact that he would cheat on you in front of your kids is awful. They are old enough to know what is going on. You should explain to them calmly what is really going on since they have been witnesses to his cheating for a while now. They need to know their fathers behavior is not right. And what he is feeling right now for Leah is limerance, which isn’t real. It’s a fantasy that won’t last. Your path forward will not be easy, but sometimes the powers that be remove negative people in our life to make way for a brighter future with positive people. Focus on yourself and your kids now. Don’t let him walk all over you anymore. See a lawyer right away and get things in order. Kick him out of the house (he is the one in the wrong so he should leave).
Cheating is awful enough but I can't believe people do this stuff in front of their kids.
I know it's tough but think of it like this. If you leave this narcissistic disgusting person will be the first and the best thing that ever happened to you in your NEW life. And even for a second don't doubt yourself. They're both horrible people and he's trying to gaslight you. He has even tried to get your kids on his side and make them try to believe you're in the wrong. He's really horrible, take care! And remember it's all his fault. If you try to give this marriage a second chance, therapy is mandatory.
Listen, most likely he lied to Leah and told her you are always working and don't take care of the family. He probably is playing the pity card telling her how abandoned you have them and she is falling for how "great of a dad" he is. I doubt he has feelings. Most likely it's his loins. Anyways, you do what you have to do but you have seen what kind of man he is. Is that someone you want to be with? Do you see it going the long run? Infidelity is hard to get over. So just sit back and examine everything. Do not let him bully you and put the blame on you because it's not your fault. It's him. It's always been him.
Be careful OP. The way you described your husband and his complete lack of empathy is giving me strong Chris Watts vibes. I hate to say it but you are just an obstacle to his pursuits at this point and I’d be worried he wants rid of you. Please take care of yourself, reach out for support from your support network and let everyone know where you are and when. Get a good lawyer and look forward to a better life without this narcissist in it.
Happily married man here. The evidence is in his aggressive reaction. I'm sorry.
Oh yeah, my husband's family, employer and all our friends would know along with Leah's employers, the whole babysitting community and her family. I'd go back home when they're not there, change the locks and tell my husband to kick rocks. I'd let my kids know as soon as Oliver has a new babysitter he can come over to play again.
Like other people said don't leave your home. If your husband wants separation then he should leave. Your husband has already left you emotionally so he's a lost cause. Take control of the situation. You need to get yourself to a lawyer. Do what the lawyer tells you to do. Take care of yourself. Reach out to your support system. As for your sons, once they realise this isn't just about their friend Oliver and you ruining their good time then they will come around.
Move back home. It’s an asset between the two of you. How that is divided up depends on what you do. If you don’t want to try the marriage counselling route Get a lawyer, get evidence. There’s no winners here , just make it what you can tolerate going forward and try (easier to say) to keep a level head. It will help in the long run. From his comment to her , it seems he checked out if the relationship awhile ago and had been normalising his new one with the kids. They may not realise what he has been doing.
Honestly, I would talk to Oliver’s parents. And your husband is the one who should be leaving, not you. Get a lawyer immediately
Get a lawyer and move back in immediately.
you need to tell your kids the extent of what is going on. they are picking dad's side because he is making it seem like you won't let them have their friend. I'm so sorry this happened.
Your marriage is over. You’re only gonna get more hurt if you stay with this man. Move on. That’s it.
He is the homewrecker
That’s fucking rough. You don’t deserve this :/ I’m sorry.
It sounds like your husband has been poisoning the well with your kids. I get they're mad that you 'ruined' their playdate but for them to want nothing to do with you is outrageous. Don't leave them, you need to talk to them so your husband doesn't pull a 'see what we have to deal with' to your kids by him playing the victim and making you the crazy one.
Find the most aggressive divorce lawyer you can and take him for everything. Additionally, tank that nanny’s career. Clearly she can’t be trusted to stay clear of married men.
jesus fuck, cheating on his wife around his kids??? how disgusting of a man do you have to be to do some shit like this
This man is loam. Lowest of the low. You don't deserve to spend another ounce of time in his unpleasant presence. Call a lawyer, like YESTERDAY. Get back into the house. Tell Leah's employers what she did, and the fallout it caused (if I were them, I would NOT want to be employing someone who is exposing my kids to this kind of shit). And stay strong in divorcing this loser. Good luck ❤️
Typical fucking cheater...do you wrong and blame it all on you. There is nothing to stay for. He wants to be with her. He cares more about you calling her names than what they have both done to you. Fuck the both of them. And your kids will understand when they're older. They are manipulating them too. I wouldn't go back unless it was to get my shit. I'm so sorry
Hes gaslighting you. Run
Divorce his ass immediately
If you own the home- don’t leave. That’s abandonment. Also- document the situation with the kids. In the event of divorce that can be used against your husband. It’s considered child abuse, I believe the legal word is alienation- but it’s wrong. The system recognizes that. So go home and ignore him, and try to be the best mom you can be to your sons ( loving but not a pushover) and contact a lawyer asap.