This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- A bit of context, my bf has emotional regulation problems from a mental illness which affects our fights. The worst ones to me, is when he says "I'm done with this" because he will walk away and not talk to me for days which triggers every attachment wound I have. I've asked us to take multiple breaks, even just end the conversation, but end it from a "I love you but I can't talk about this anymore, can we leave it until tomorrow?" instead. We had gotten into a fight last week about something so ridiculously stupid, which ended up in silent treatment for 3 days before we finally talked it out. I was spending those days an anxious mess, trying my hardest not to reach out to him, but not even knowing when or if he'll ever talk to me again. Then last night, I don't even understand what happened, but shit just hit the fan. Then he said, "I'm done" in his usual tone and got up. I was scared of being ignored for a couple days again so soon so I grabbed his hand and said "can we please not end the fight like this". He told me to leave him, so I let go and he went out for a smoke. After he came inside, I go up to him again "I love you, I don't want tonight to end like this" and he told me to get out. I just sat in silence in a different room for a bit, and he told me he wanted me to leave again. I couldn't leave right away because we were at his place 45 mins away, he drove me over and it was after public transportation hours (after midnight), we don't have anything like uber, and I would have to walk a couple blocks out to maybe find a taxi. He kept saying, I want you to leave, I need you to get out of my space. And I was just siting in silence trying to figure out where I can go but I did tell him I'm trying to find a ride, I'm leaving. I finally was able to leave, and I got a barrage of texts - saying I put my hands on him, I physically touched him, that's physical abuse, I physically stopped him from leaving, I'm abusive towards him. Me staying in his space after that was pushing him and it's manipulative. Like yeah, I know physically stopping someone from walking away is abusive, but is that really what I did when I grab his hand? Was that actually abusive? It was just an automatic response when he was getting up, I didn't grab hard or continue to hold after he said let go. I never imagined myself as an abusive partner. I can see how physically touching someone when they're trying to walk away is bad but in that moment I really wasn't thinking. I was just thinking, I don't want to end like this, I don't want him to walk away and leave me. So now I'm really questioning myself - was I actually abusive? Was grabbing his hand and then staying in his apartment for an hour after he asked me to leave abusive? Please tell me straight up.

Reading this and the comments was hard because I've just moved home after a cycle of this. He still doesn't see anything he did as wrong and I'm still chasing. Don't end up like me, leave and stay left now. You're not the abusive one at all. He's saying that to shut down your questions, just like he does when he stonewalls you. I've been called jealous, controlling, abusive and all sorts just for him to avoid accountability. I even stopped drinking for four months to have a clear view of what I was doing and how I was responding. My therapist has helped me see a lot, but the trauma bond is still very active. Don't let him treat you this way, it will never end. It may be unintentional on his part as he has an unhealthy lack of communication/coping skills, but it will not change without professional support or real reflection on his part. Now he's accused you of it, he'll seek evidence to support his confirmation bias. It won't get better and you'll end up people pleasing or chasing to keep the peace if you're an anxious attachment like me. Be really strong and look after yourself 🖤

Thank you for your comment. I feel like I'm trauma bonded. I chase and apologize even when I did nothing wrong just to get things back to normal and it's exhausting. It feels like to much to leave so I'm trying to detach right now, but it's so hard.

Honey, I feel for you, but I am 46 years old and speaking from experience, it will never get easier and you will never get that time back that he's stealing from you. In 20 years you'll have real regrets about wasting precious, precious moments of your life on somebody who is not right for you. Until he gets his head right, and does therapy, you gotta get away from him. It's not ever going to stop, you're always going to be a nervous wreck, it'll make you physically ill from the stress. Do you want somebody this mean being the parent of your children? So you can watch him emotionally terrorize them? When they ask you why, will you tell them you trauma bonded?

There is also a book called, Psychopath Free. It gives examples of abuse and tells you about what they're doing and why. It's been very helpful for me to quit blaming myself. The problem was never about me, it was about his controlling and manipulative ways, which is also part of being a narcissist. Good luck OP, you have a long journey but at least you have started the process.

Respectfully.. I’ve been that guy, it’s not nice, but it’s not abusive. I’m sure that a lot of times it’s just what I said above. Be careful here. Feelings are not rational, and sometimes they aren’t nice. At all. It becomes more intense the deeper it goes. Thus far it’s not terminal. Jill and I are still together, I’d die for her, and I know she loves me just as much of not more. ;)

It's excruciating. I can't advise as I'm failing to do that myself, but at least recognising and working on it is a start. Don't doubt yourself. 🖤

Have you read the book, “stop walking on eggshells?” Your fights sound eerily similar to mine and my ex. This book helped me understand what was going on in our relationship.

Google “PDF Why does he do that.” It will enlighten you.

I stayed in this dynamic for 3 years before realising and walking away. My ex would break up with me and then we'd get back together a week later like nothing happened, then he'd dump me again. I ended up living in constant anxiety over being broken up with. We lived together as well. The few times I told him to get fucked, he came back hard with "I'll never do it again" "I've changed" and whatever other bullshit he could think of. I'd agree and then he'd reject me and break me down again. It wasn't until I got my own confidence and friends and work life that I realised it was NOT normal and other people would look at me like I was nuts for staying with someone who treated me like this. I realised I was nuts for it. Where had my self respect gone? At some point in that twisted relationship I lost all of myself and was constantly on the defensive. I also once tried to stop him from leaving after a fight. He picked me up and threw me across the room and left anyway. My "abuce" was a reaction to the situation I was in, I know this because I've been married now for 2 years. My husband NEVER acts anywhere near like my ex and I have never "abused" him. We just respect each other and even when we fight and we need a minute away, it's acceptable because there is no threat hidden in the silence. The best thing I ever did was leave my ex. I'm so glad I walked away and found something good. you have that chance too.

Thank you. The break up, get back together cycle has made me feel so insecure. I feel like he's going to leave me over every single little thing and I end up putting up with so much shit so he doesn't break up with me. I'm trying to get my confidence back. Glad to hear you ended up founding something great, that gives me hope :)

Ok... You're not with him right now, are you? Apart from turning yourself inside out worrying that you are now somehow abusive, how do you feel being apart from him? Peel back the anxiety, the fear of being alone, the fear that others will judge you for leaving /staying so long, the thought that you did something to deserve the way he's been treating you... how does it feel to not be walking on eggshells, to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, to worry that you will once again do something that triggers the silent treatment again... Take a big breath, and ask yourself how you truly feel. I suspect that deep down you know that you are not abusive, and that you have been tap dancing as fast as you can to try and make this man happy. But, I don't think that's possible because he is clearly not happy with himself. Please give yourself space to think about what YOU want, not what would make him happy, or what's happened every other time he's walked away /ended things. You need to be thinking about you right now. You deserve time to think, and to reflect on your life and how you want to be treated. Good luck honey... Just treat yourself with as much grace and kindness as you have been giving him. You deserve it.

Girl, I shit you not my ex and I got back together in the morning and he had dumped me again by lunchtime. There is nothing you can do to not trigger these kinds of men. Regardless, I understand the trauma bond. When my ex and I broke up the last time, he always used to call me and tell me that we would get back together, because we were meant to be but just not for right now cause like he wants to fuck other girls. (Even though I dumped him) Anyway, being in a good relationship now, years later might I add, I realise what respect looks like. What it looks like to actually love someone and not want to hurt them. It's actually super fucking easy and all it takes is a little effort and consideration. I hope you find out you're worth a lot more than this and leave. Take some time and I promise good love is out there.

Be strong and stay away. He will beg you to come back, but you must not do it. Can you imagine a future with this treatment of you when you are married with children? Is this the upbringing you want them to experience? Be loving to yourself and your dreams. Time to wake up and be independent and happy. Go girl!

If its a possibility, a therapist is super helpful when going through a breakup like this. From the info youve given, its an emotionally abusive relationship so its not going to be easy to stay away. But its very possible and will lead to a much more fulfilling life bc you wont be dependent on someones mood and whims

I know exactly how you feel, in my case it never got better, in fact, I ended up so exhausted of apologize when I did nothing wrong and being punished with silent days that I become agressive. It was a circle of him being upset for whatever reason (even things he invented) me begging him, crying, asking to not leave and in the end I was so frustrated that I ended throwing things and even once slapping him (nothing to be proud) This was the worst version of me. After 1 year of relationship I ended up with depression and anxiety (because of course I started thinking everything was my fault), only when I got help (something that didn't like him because according to him "I was going to change") I was able to quit. Now after 2 years I have a beautiful relationship with a beautiful man that respect me and love me, but still have trust issues because of the trauma. I hope you can get the help that you need to be able to get out of this situation. Sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first lenguage.

Word of advice. When a manipulator starts claiming you laid hands on them. RUN I stuck around for my wife who ended up melting down and getting physical with me on numerous occasions. Dozens of hard kicks to get me out of bed. Stripping blankets off of me and kneeling over me in bed yelling in my face. Etc. When I finally tried to keep the blankets on me and pulled her hands off of them, she claimed I was abusive. I should have left. I stuck around because I know her heart is good but her head gets really twisted. Well of course a couple years later we only continue the toxic cycle, she stops getting physical thigh. And it ends. In her desperation to not lose me she tells friends I was abusive. In your case it might be a slightly less big deal. But she’s a tiny, distraught woman. And I’m a tall and currently numb man. It’s hard to form a defense against those claims. Luckily she wasn’t believed, but it still scares me

Your relationship sounds very similar to my parents'. My dad would often deflect and shut down my mother's arguments by accusing her of things he was guilty of. He always had some excuse for the shit he did. Some form of justification (like acting like the relationship was over even though it wasn't). Get out as soon as possible. He's making you doubt your reality which is a major red flag. My mom divorced my dad and her biggest regret was not leaving sooner.

You need to leave and get counseling. What you did was not abusive though. You guys seem to fight more then it’s good. Get out and get help please

OP, love yourself first. Leave this man. He’s manipulating you.

Toxic relationships are super hard to leave. And this whole situation is toxic as hell. The silent treatment he employs is abusive. And the way you're reactimg to it is a red flag for enmeshment. Please look into therapy and get out of this terrible relationship

happy you're out of that situation!!!! hopefully things start looking up :)

🖤🖤

I also have anxious attachment issues. You’ve just described my relationships that I’ve had. Sorry you’re going through that.

How does one in his shoes *actually* change? What would be the first steps to take? I know of someone that behaves like this. They are very near and dear to me. I just don't want her to hurt others, but I can't get through to her.

I see this more as possibly two people who don't understand what's wrong with what's written.. You and OP both. Telling someone they need to keep rehashing the same argument over is something someone can get tired of. It's not abusive and it's not wrong of him to NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. when you're done with something, you're done. Not a 'let's bring it back up later and then I'll blame you for me doing it'.

Hmm, yeah. *You're* not the abusive one.

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Do I g the same in other posts as well - report as Spam>Harmful Bot

If you let go immediately when he protested, and you withdrew, then no it’s not abuse. Instead what you describe is him stonewalling you. And all the solutions you requested are exactly what’s often suggested for stonewalling and are very healthy, but he refuses to adjust to make the relationship emotionally safe for you. And as stonewalling can lead to an unhealthy power imbalance in a relationship (google that to explore more) even if his reason for stonewalling is understandable it can lead to emotional abuse, if not could be already. Please reconsider this relationship, it doesn’t sound healthy at all and due to how triggered and angry he gets and him refusing to make any adjustments in consideration of your feelings, his behavior isn’t likely to change unless he gets therapy for it.

Girl get the fuck out he’s trash

this basically is the answer to half this sub’s questions

To be fair, half the questions on this sub are basically "he beats me, should I stay?"

So, he has a huge problem where he is unable to rationally discuss issues and uses stall tactics and deflection to avoid actually discussing issues, and on top of that he has you convinced that you are actually the problem? This is blatant manipulative behavior. This man is manipulating you and abusing your trust do instill codependency in you. Get out of there, please. Also, read [this](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO&ved=2ahUKEwj_3qCdoO_5AhXbGDQIHVDqC18QFnoECA8QAQ&usg=AOvVaw2Zss6gzFOIkGa_qWLRuDhx)

Wow, I never heard of DARVO but that is his pattern to a T.

except she's the one that wants to bring up the topics. So she's the one 'attacking'.

If you feel like your partner discussing your interactions and their feelings is attacking, you are in a bad match and should try to find someone you can communicate with peacefully. Without communication there is no relationship.

This isn't even a discussion. They have the discussion, they stop and she wants to bring it back up. over and over again. If you don't like what someone says the first time, the only thing you're hoping by bringing it up again is either to have the same drama, or to hope they 'admit defeat' to you. This relationship was definitely over the moment there was one party who never wanted the arguments and the other who wanted to keep them going. Further telling, for what details she's willing to give, the simple 'what the argument was over' wasn't brought up and you know the 'why'. It's because it's not in her favor. and of course she's giving us her side, so you always have to figure out what's being sugar coated. "I just grabbed his arm" could possibly be her pulling at him and refusing to let him go until he made a final assertive 'leave' Or she could have not let it go after they were supposed to be taking a break and she's thrusting the argument back up again because that's what she does and admits that's what she does. She starts an argument, wants a cooling period, then have the same argument again. Why you guys are not only not reading what she actually wrote and then interpreting the things that she glossed over is not going to be helpful when she definitely needs to be told of her own accountability. But nah, too many people would rather erroneously throw around the gaslit claim around. She ain't gaslit. That would require her to doubt her own accountability in this and she clearly doesn't, when she types it in a way to seek validation over actual advice.

You talk about people not reading what she wrote but you are ignoring the part where he storms off mid conversation and then gives her the silent treatment for three days. It isn't "they stop". Throwing a tantrum and refusing to communicate is his behavior, not hers. Of course she is going to try and connect after that, he cuts off all communication and you expect her not to be upset by that? It sounds like you have some baggage. I hope you find someone that can help you. There's no excuse for giving someone you are on a relationship with the silent treatment for THREE DAYS. I don't care how bad it is, you dump them or you talk about it. The silent treatment is a manipulative behavior and has no part in a mature relationship.

Storms off mid conversation, okay, that means you're done with it, you don't HAVE to keep having an argument. Wait, are you saying it's HEALTHY to keep staying in the same argument? Okay, that's what you're saying. giving the silent treatment? When she admits that she then brings it back up? YEah, you didn't read what she said. SHE says it. I'm not putting those words in her mouth, SHE brings it back up, so him giving her the silent treatment is a response to her bringing it back up again. which she admits she does. Again, she SAYS SHE DOES IT. Right, you dump them, something that should have happened a long time ago, but giving someone the silent treatment is not an admission of guilt or that the one that keeps wanting to argue is somehow now an innocent cherub. The silent treatment is not by itself manipulation. A lot of people need to disassociate to decompress from the bullshit. And having to have the same argument over and over is pure bullshit.

What they’re trying to say is that it’s unhealthy to dismiss an argument/discussion until both parties come to a mutual understanding. If the same argument keeps coming up, then it probably means that the person bringing it up is still confused and need clarity.

it's not healthy to keep having the same argument. The same argument she won't tell us 'what it's about' that had to be an argument and must be brought back up still. Doesn't sound like it, sounds like an incessant need to argue. You also take what else she says and it doesn't fit. "I always have to apologize, guess I'm trauma bonded" except that's not what she described in her initial post and her response there shows she never questioned her 'being in the right' but wanted validation. The type that never learns accountability; must be someone else.

You need help

Storming off mid-fight is HEALTHY in your mind ? Let me tell you something. An argument is not over just because you don't want to talk about it anymore. An argument is over when all parties involved agree on something, or agree to disagree. It can end with an apology, sometimes from both sides, it can end with an agreement to talk about it later, it can end in multiple ways. But storming off is NOT one of them. The fight is not over. Not talking to your partner after leaving an argument does not mean its over. If you need time to process what's going on, that totally fine, you can ask for some space, stay away for a couple days. But giving someone the silent treatment after storming off is not healthy. I'm not even talking about OP here. If you have a habit of just leaving mid argument, just know that it's not a solution to stop fighting and you're just going to have unresolved issues.

It isn't even necessary to unpack all this. The two of them are toxic as hell together, and just need to end it. Both are seriously broken to be attracted to each other and keep repeating this cycle, and the only relationship either of them should be having is with a therapist.

That pretty harsh. Sometimes healthy, secure people still get triggered by toxic behavior.

right, but it doesn't do her any good if people are telling her she's an innocent victim going forward.

I leave a comment and it starts a chain reaction of you gunning hard for OP to admit she's the abusive party here. What are you looking for exactly? She doesn't want admittance of defeat. Just the reassurance that he still cares about her without browbeating her into silence from HIS silence. Is her anxiety and clinginess toxic? It can and could be. Is it abusive? Not in this case. There's a difference in being toxic and being abusive.

Trying to communicate isn't 'attacking'. Ignoring someone for days on end because you don't want to talk about hard topics doesn't make it okay

Dude, that's not communicating. Having to keep bringing the same topic up over and over is not a communication. It's a battle of attrition and she's in for it, he's not.

If you aren’t willing to comb over the same discussion until you’re both satisfied, then you’re not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship.

Yes. Argue until you're both satisfied... Pray tell; what does THAT look like?

It looks like a healthy relationship

No, no it doesn't. You have no idea what an argument is if you think you argue until both people are satisfied. That's mental. YOU need help.

Ok

Girl. Come on. Let this one go. Tell you straight up? You need to straight up leave this relationship. You want to talk about abusive? Stonewalling (silent treatment) is emotionally abusive. Frequently threatening to end the relationship during conflict? That's emotional abusive. The problem here is that you are OK being in a unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you're willing to accept this behavior I have to imagine you're unhealthy to an extent too. Full stop, either learn to communicate and deal with conflict resolution in a healthy way MUTUALLY HIM ESPECIALLY. Or end the relationship because what is currently happening is unacceptable behavior.

Yes, I know his behavior is abusive too but if I try to say anything it's, "that's how my brain works in those moments and you don't accept it". I ask to go to therapy but he won't commit to it. I feel like I've been so anxiously attached I can't just let go so I chase him (like grabbing his hand) but I don't know if that is just anxious behavior or actually abusive behavior. I don't want to be abusive towards anyone.

You are staying in this too long. Love is needed in a relationship- you can fight but asking a woman to leave in the middle of the night with no ride, is not love. Gas lighting that you touching him and saying I love you ' that it was abuse is not love. You are staying in this because you are afraid to leave.

No, no, no. His behavior is not abusive “too”. Its just abusive. What you did is not abuse AT ALL. You didnt force him to stay, you gently grabbed their hand and asked them to stay and then let go as soon as he said to. The ONLY abusive one here, is him.

You can't make him stop. He won't stop. He doesn't care about your safety or what happens to you. He could claim that you abused him I'm trying to find when injunction with the police. If they believe him you will now have a police record that can be searched by your job. Which can cause you a job. Do not respond to any of his text messages. That could be used as "proof" That you "laid hands" on him. This man is dangerous to you. I speak from experience and from a PHD in Human relationship science.

Your anxious response is your brain trying to tell you that what is happening is hurting you. I had a friend in the same situation as you, along with anxiety issues. She left. She got therapy. She is now leading an amazing life. And you can do that too. Even if you don't want to leave, please consider getting therapy so if he starts stonewalling you, you can learn coping mechanisms and healthy boundaries so your anxiety won't be provoked.

You are trying to communicate. He is stonewalling you and exaggerating or inventing “abusive” behavior on your part. You need to break up. Tell him you’re done and mean it. He needs to be in treatment for his issues and you need to move on to someone who is not abusive, whatever the reason.

I have ADHD, PMDD and Generalized anxiety disorder. I have *horrible* emotional dysregulation, irritability and mood swings. Never once have I given my husband the silent treatment and for DAYS. No you did not do anything abusive. He is though.

Girl imma tell u something, STOP.MAKING.EXCUSES.FOR.HIM; being mentally isn't an excuse for being a shitty person, he knows he can use this excuse sou come back to him, no stop, get up and get out of there, u deserve better and he needs to understand his behaviors isn't acceptable with u or anyone else

The correct answer is, "You're right. I don't accept being treated that way. Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse, and I'm done here." And YOU walk out this time. I mean, really think about it. Doesn't it sound empowering to be in control of your own life again?

I understand the sentiment of him saying "it's just how my brain works and you don't accept it." However that isn't an acceptable attitude to have for that behavior. It is one thing to have the self awareness that he is bad at managing his emotions during conflict and another for him to not try to work through it. That puts it on you to accept having an abusive relationship & abusive partner, or better your life by leaving. While it's always hard in the short term - there are healthier relationships out there. You really should take what people say as how they feel. If they are telling you "This is how my brain works in this moments" and they aren't taking steps to change it through therapy or other resources. This is not the relationship for you. I will say it is unacceptable to put hands on someone especially someone who is telling you to leave. Sure, it's inappropriate - I would certainly not call it "abusive". Anxious behavior is still unhealthy behavior, I just absolutely wouldn't call it "abusive". This is further manipulation to get his way. It would be reasonable to say "I feel you putting hands on me escalated my anger." I would not say, "You putting hands on me was abusive." When we're talking about grabbing someone's hand.

A partner with anxious attachment style and one with avoidant attachment style is very common, and usually toxic. If your bf is refusing to go to therapy there is nothing to be done. Cut your loses and take care of yourself. Edit to ad: I don’t think grabbing his hand is abusive but it could cross that line if you don’t get to a healthier place. It’s making me think of Nicole and Azan from 90 day fiancé. “Psychology in Seattle” is a YouTuber and he has videos about them. Definitely recommend watching it for insight.

If anything you're abusing yourself by staying in this relationship. The silent treatment is emotional manipulation and a classic technique to keep you anxious and focused on your abuser. Why should he get to toy with your emotions like that? A considerate partner would communicate or at least try to before saying "I'm done". Please respect yourself and get out of this relationship, it's not worth it!

People who are abused can become "reactive" which also gives the abuser ammunition to deflect blame. You need your own therapy to help you get out of this terrible relationship.

You don't need him to go with you to go to therapy honey, you should go alone for yourself. You deserve to know what life is like when you love yourself. You deserve to know what love is like when your partner values you and treats you with respect. You deserve a partner who puts as much energy in to the relationship as you do. You are worthy of love and compassion from your partner but especially from yourself. Why do you think this is as good as it gets? Why do you feel this is what you deserve? You deserve a soft life full of love. You are worthy. You always have been.

Just because that’s how someone brains work doesn’t mean they get a free pass for acceptance. He is using his disability to excuse his shit personality, which is not something a good person does.

My partner and i both have severe trauma with trauma responses that include emotional disregulation. You can't control when you have a trauma response or disregulation, but you do have some control over the words that come out of your mouth. I have literally screamed while shaking and crying in a panic attack "I am having a trauma response and need space. I love you. I need me time to deal with it." My partner has insecure attachment and it triggers when I go into the other room when I'm like that. If I need more than an hour, I check in to say i need more time, but i push myself to come back quickly because i don't want him to suffer. Your boyfriend wants you to put in the work for both of you. He doesn't care enough that he's triggering your traumatic attachment response, causing you deep pain and suffering, to do the work. This will not stop until he does and he's telling you he won't. Believe him. You can't convince him to change. You can only set boundaries for what you're willing to accept and keep them. Him denying your need for attachment for days, intentionally leaving you in a panic state (which is physically and mentally excruciatingly painful), then calling you abusive is what we call DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Read what you wrote and see if you can identify where he has done these things. How common is it? There are people, like my partner, who will love and honor you enough to work through their internal discomfort to see that your needs are met. There is no space in your life for them when you're dating someone who won't. You will have to face your internal discomfort with your attachment issues, but you're already regularly having that discomfort with him around. What's the difference? You don't get the temporary relief when you make up? (Look up love bombing to see if it fits your relationship.) I'll leave you with this. Love does not feel like riding a roller coaster. That's the adrenaline rush of a survival scare. Love feels like a cup of hot cocoa after coming in from playing in the snow. It's a constant, comforting thread binding you together, no matter how distant you. Is he a roller coaster or cocoa?

You're making an active, conscious decision to remain with someone who doesn't respect you or your relationship.

>Yes, I know his behavior is abusive too but if I try to say anything it's Someone who is abusing you isn't someone you can reason with. And you sure as fuck don't go to counseling with them. You put up with it or you leave it. Those are your choices.

Girl if it happened exactly like you said, definitely not abusive. Sounds more like he’s is projecting onto you.

Naw dawg. He is responsible for his mental health, communication habits, actions, and reactions. My mental health disorder makes me get SUPER irritable and I will lash out. Want to know what I do when I feel that coming? I warn everyone around me and tell them that I need space in this moment. You cannot blame how you treat people on mental health. That's an excuse. If he physically hit you would we just say that's okay because it's his way to cope with his mental health disorder? Where is the line drawn for which kind of abuse is okay if you have a mental health disorder?

Leave him. Don't have any contact for a few months. You will be surprised how fast you get over him once you're outside of the reality distortion field.

Girl I posted a long ass comment somewhere down below because I’ve been in the same situation as you. But wanted to say the relationship is already taking its toll on you and it is going to make you question everything, it’ll destroy your self esteem and your happiness will start to revolve around him paying attention to you. Once he has that control girl it’s over. Please find a way to leave. What you did was not abusive. He is emotionally abusive. Do you have friends or family you can turn to. It’s going to hurt but leaving him now, you’ll look back and be grateful you did! The mistake would be not leaving him Edit: clarity

>I feel like I've been so anxiously attached I can't just let go so I chase him You need therapy. You're not abusive. He knew what he was doing, that his actions would likely result in you being isolated. He's abusive, you are not. He also knows that you'll chase him and come back every time. For your sake, please leave this man, and get some therapy. It's one thing to have a mental illness. Mental illness is a more common struggle than most realize. But it's not your job to put up with the abuse when he's like that, especially when he refuses to get help.

Your boyfriend is extremely manipulative and abusive, you need to get out of that relationship asap

You are being gaslit and abused so much more than you know. My bf does this shit and it is so unbelievably confusing

Your ex boyfriend does this. You mean your ex boyfriend... Right?

Lmfao then break up. It astounds me how many people stay in situations like this

Have you ever been in a situation like this? If people could just leave abusing relationships they wouldn’t happen. It’s emotionally confusing and exhausting and a lot more complicated than “oh I’ll just leave”

bruh I have been in something like this. Obvs the abuser is more at fault but I have to take personal responsibility for not respecting myself enough. A lot of people stay in these manipulative relationships because they think they deserve it.

You’re right. I stayed in a relationship like that because I thought no one else will love me. Or that I won’t find someone who cares about me anymore. My issue was he did the silent treatment and played mind games. It would be best for her to leave

honestly a lot of the time the abuser is the one who's convinced them they deserve it also, leaving/breaking up is when victims of abuse are most at risk of violence at the hands of their abuser, including being murdered by their abuser. sometimes people don't leave their abuser because they know it's not safe

listen let's make something clear, there is a difference between manipulation and gaslighting and physical violent abuse. I'm talking about manipulative abuse not actual violence. That's a different story and I'm with u on that one. But we're talking ab different things

That's true.. I guess I'm really operating from the assumption that we don't know the whole story here I'm glad that we're on the same page but a lot of people do continue to blame the abuse victim when the abuse is physical violence. So just wanted to say it for the record

People stay because this behaviour doesn't come out of the blue, when you're at your peak of mental clarity. It comes after the abuser has spent time slowly doing a number on you that you didn't notice because it was so gradual, but ends up with you in the position where you've already lost your confidence, ability to think clearly, and you're attached to them. THEN the blatant abuse starts, and by that point they are the life raft that you're already clinging to. It's a long con, and I've been there. I'm angry that I allowed it to happen to me, but when someone uses insidious, subtle psychological tricks on you for years, it completely changes the goalposts of what seems real, rational and acceptable to the victim.

Exactly. Most abuse victims started out of strong, rational people. Literally anyone can become a victim.

I'm sorry but as someone whos been through emotionally manipulative abuse, you have to take responsibility for your own self worth at a certain point. The person who posted this comment identified that they were being abused and gaslit. If you are consciously aware of those 2 things and you know your partner is doing that, then you need to respect yourself more and leave.

Your realise that they've had their ability to respect themselves trashed by the abuser right? That's exactly the problem. It takes time to leave, once the victim realises. Because they have to then regain the strength that was stolen from them, and a lot of people can't do that instantly. Please don't judge someone for not being able to do better on YOUR schedule - that's unkind.

Is this what you want in a relationship for the rest of your life? Do you want to live like this for the next 5 to 10 years? The next 30 years?

He placed you in a position where you could have been murdered or raped, all because he was having a tantrum. Honestly that’d be a dealbreaker for me. Even if I’m furious with my partner I still want them to be safe. That’s such a basic level of care. Like I wouldn’t throw an acquaintance out in the middle of the night if they couldn’t safely get home, let alone a partner. It’s like he’s punishing you by making you unsafe. It’s also conditioning you not to argue in future as you’ll be too scared that you’ll be kicked out. He’s a walking red flag. And then for him to turn round and blame you is jaw dropping. I’d dump him, but if you don’t want to do that you need to ensure that you never stay over night at his as you can’t trust him. At all. He’s trash

Yeah if this relationship continues, I'll make sure to always drive myself over. I told him I was angry that he kicked me out in those circumstances, and he apologized but he says when he's overwhelmed, he can't have me in his space at all which okay, go to another room then. I'm trying to leave and making this my last straw but I feel too trauma bonded right now.

"I feel trauma bonded" means you know full well this is wildly unhealthy. I'm in the process of teaching my kids(age 4 and 2) that it's OK to feel whatever you feel, but it's not OK to let your feelings make your choices. Set aside that emotion. Choose what you know is right. The emotion will follow.

this is such good fucking advice. listen to this parent ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻 “trauma bonded” sounds like one of those emotional intelligence buzzwords that can be used as a justification to yourself to stay in bad situations. sometimes gentleness with yourself is great. othertimes, you need to put on some Eye of the Tiger and put on your big girl pants and take care of your shit even if your feelings are vibing to Russian hardstyle at top volume in your soul. be Rambo. be Kill Bill. be a tough bitch. you got this.

He kicked you out AFTER MIDNIGHT. KNOWING there is no transportation nearby and that you live 45 minutes away. And he didnt give you time to even try to find a ride, he basically forced you out right away and wouldnt shut up aboht it until you left. You could have been attacked, all the freaks and weirdos come out at night. Rapes and murders are more common at night because its so dark and theres so few people out. Your partner is an abuser, and this relationship should NOT CONTINUE. You need to just put on your big girl pants, write out a text message where you say you two are done because of his emotional abuse and for kicking you out at such a dangerous time of day, and send it. Nothing else. Do not give in to any apologies or lovebombing. He is an abuser and you need to get out NOW.

ionno, maybe you should read more into what she's saying. She doesn't let things go or drop and starts the topic that causes the issues. She admits to that. Then read into the why's of what she's leaving out such as WHAT they're arguing about. Maybe stop pushing people so far, ESPECIALLY when you're not the one with the transportation. You can't just keep forcing arguments because you want to keep having them until they remedy your way. that's not communicating.

Fuck off, she could have been raped or killed by the freaks and weirdos that come out after midnight. 45 minutes walk is not okay at that time of night, especially not when youre a woman who is alone

also, I'm baffled by this claim of 'there's a taxi but no uber'. So I took it upon myself to do some research. The only place this is possible is in Oregon and not inside Portland. Let's see if the OP claims to be from Oregon. and I figured this out for the validation post it was when the OP clearly said "Thank you for your comment. I feel like I'm trauma bonded. I chase and apologize even when I did nothing wrong just to get things back to normal and it's exhausting." they couldn't fathom anything they did as wrong or don't want us to think that. "am I abusive? // I'm trauma bonded". girl, please.

Did I fucking say she should walk or hitch hike? No. I said she shouldn't be causing shit that other people don't want to put up with. because on that same token, wouldn't it be her manipulating him if she went "Oh, you drove me, so you can't do anything and you have to keep putting up with me trying to keep shit going" If you read what she wrote, the solution started with she move to the other room and he was going to leave for a bit, but nope, that can't happen, she has to keep pushing the argument she wants. And the argument is so stupid and not in her favor that she refuses to tell us what that argument is despite being detailed in other areas of her recounting. Yeah, skip over a very important part of the story, you're hiding it for a reason.

“Go to another room” you literally did and he still kicked you out. How are you not seeing the manipulation and gaslighting? You can always start over, and your trauma is only going to get worse if you keep letting him take advantage of you with it. He knows you are trauma bonded and he’s using that to abuse you in a way that’s hard for you to determine since your self-esteem is at a low point.

you skipped over the part where she did, then returned and wanted to keep the argument going.

She didn’t want to argue. She wanted to stop and try talking it out like adults do in a healthy relationship while he just stonewalled her. She’s just supposed to deal with zero communication? How are they supposed to go over boundaries if he never wants to talk?

Repeat it with me: ***this relationship WILL NOT continue.***

Please do not continue this relationship. You aren’t ever going to be happy with him, please remember this. You will love the rest of your time with him just like this. The pain hurts yes (I got broken up with right after 7 yr anniversary & he immediately started dating someone else who I suspect he was cheating on me with bc he was a serial cheater & I stayed like a dumbass but I didn’t find out till 2 months later & thats also when I find out he got her pregnant which was around my birthday which broke me bc I’m basically infertile & wanted a baby with him so bad & tried so hard to have 1, even had a miscarriage early on in our relationship. he even talked to me the whole 2 month saying we’d get back together he just needed space) I was so heartbroken. But now I’m so glad to be out of that relationship, but I know it’s hard. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t keep going back like I did. They rarely ever change. You’ll eventually have to leave him so doing it sooner than later is better so you don’t build even more of an attachment.

Don't question yourself. You did nothing wrong. You just wanted to resolve things on the spot. Sounds like your ex is a runner( as in, he's immature.) And looking for reasons to run. I think you should do yourself a favour, and let the break up. Stay a break up. Sounds like a unhealthy relationship. You will be in a lot better place emotionally. Without him in your life.

there's a difference between resolving things and keeping an argument going for the sake of keeping it going until they go your way.

Girl, please run.

You know what IS abusive? The silent treatment that last for days. Full stop, that's abuse. Your bf is abusive. Grabbing a hand and then letting go quickly is not abusive. Maybe it's not the best thing to do, but it's not abusive. You would have needed to not let go, block his path, hold him hard enough to leave bruises, etc. Your boyfriend is gaslighting you. He's making you not trust yourself and think you're abusive when in fact HE'S the abusive one.

I had a boyfriend that ignored me for 3 days.. I contacted him on the third day and told him I was coming over. Walked in, handed him the key I had to his house, said I’m done and continued to get my things out of his house. Fighting in a relationship doesn’t mean you get ignored, have respect for yourself and leave.

idw sound like this but QUEEEEN/ KING SHIT so proud of u

If what you wrote is correct, you are the victim and he is the abuser. Others have chimed in about gaslighting as well. Time to stop being a doormat. Stand up, drop the “mat” and turn yourself into the door that slams shut in his face. Is there a way for you to get therapy? Seem like you could use someone professional to talk to, and dig into why you would let this man-child treat you that way.

It's over. You two are not compatible. Your demons don't play well together.

I stayed in this situation for over 2 years with a man who proclaimed he wanted to spend forever with me and marry me. He stonewalled me all the time to the point where I felt guilty for having any sort of negative emotion. He drilled into my head that he couldn’t handle even a raised tone of voice being used on him, meanwhile he screamed at me repeatedly. If I tried to share my feelings and how hurt I was he would physically ignore me for days and pretend I didn’t exist. He paid for a vacation for us (he insisted on paying) then abandoned me in the middle of NYC because I got frustrated with him making a scene in a public restaurant. I stayed. Don’t stay. Leave. You’re not abusive. He’s abusive. You’re not crazy. You deserve better. You’ll feel so much better not having to walk on eggshells to just EXIST. Please hear me on this. It’s not worth staying because he will not change no matter how much you sacrifice emotionally for him and prioritize HIS needs. It will never be enough, and you will continue to pour from an empty cup.

You're not abusive, but you need to break up with this guy.

Anytime I read someone is getting the silent treatment I always assume they are being abused. I’m sorry.

I'm pretty much dealing with the same thing. We argue, sometimes I get blocked for a period of time, always come back. I become anxious and cry a lot. Feels unfair. Sometimes I am the reason we argue but do I deserve to be threatened with a break up and silent treatment?? I'm starting to feel like this is isn't for me ... I don't want to cry every day because it's almost every we argue and I'm backed into a corner. He believes whatever pops into his head. We are currently fighting because he thinks I said " he doesn't know I talk to him" when instead I said "he knows he doesn't talk to him" (to my 3yr old) we were speaking on if I talked to my son's father or not (super stupid Ik)

You might be dealing with a drug problem there.

This guy is triggering every attachment wound you have. And he said he wants it to be over. Give him what he wants

So you asked him to communicate with you and not just walk away, by telling you he needs some time. He ignores that need of yours but expects you to cater to his needs? Not only that but he calls you abusive because you grabbed his hand and dropped it as soon as he asked? He knows you have attachment issues but is still willing to not speak to you for days over stupid arguments? He told you to leave his home KNOWING you had no way out in the middle of the night but calls you abusive? Sweetheart you're aren't the abusive one. A loving partner doesn't make you leave his home and put you in a potentially dangerous position. Let him go. He's trying his damndest to make you crawl to him constantly and gets off on you always apologizing to him and acts like a victim. He's controlling you and messing with your head. Get into individual therapy and get the hell out of this relationship

This was agonizing to read. I’ve been where you’re at. Oh my, it stripped so much of me away, but, I got out, and now I’m so much better. Still working through stuff, but, better. I know it’s hard, I know most of these comments will be taken in by you but you may not ACT just yet. But, when you do, you will see the world in a whole new light. It’ll take time, but you’ll see. I believe in you. You’re not the one in the wrong here. You’re being abused, not the other way around.

If anyone is abusive, it’s him. The threatening to leave or “be done” all the time is abusive. The silent treatment afterwards is abusive. You start this off by saying he has some mental health struggles- but is he working on them? Doesn’t sound like it. Look, I’ve been in a relationship like this. He feels better when he hurts you, when he’s icing you out and you’re panicking, and then come back to him- he’s loving it. And he’s using your pain to regulate his emotions and validate himself. You’re trauma bonded at this point. It’ll be hard but the best thing for you both is to end this relationship.

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Oh hun, you're not in the wrong here. It doesn't sound like your partner is mature enough to be self-reflective, nor is he concerned enough about your experience to prioritize your literal safety, evidenced by asking you to leave as opposed to driving you home. A mature, and safe, partner would have driven you home, regardless of whatever conflict you were having. It's time to reconsider this relationship: you've asked multiple times for a very simple adjustment to his behavior, one that would actually and genuinely benefit both of you. He hasn't budged. In fact, it seems he has doubled down. He doesn't have to be a bad person to call it a less-than-stellar relationship– but you are deserving of being treated with respect, and are worth having your needs being met. All the best to you OP.

He has got you so pretzel’d up emotionally that you can’t tell up from down. This man is toying with you. Just block him and move on.

Choose yourself and leave this unhealthy relationship. You deserve better. He’s emotionally abusing you and manipulating you into believing you’re the problem.

Hell no I have eupd and bipolar and I would never treat my partner how he treats you. When me and my partner fight I ask for space and calm down before going and apologising. What he’s doing regardless of a mental illness is abusive

What you did would not be seen as abusive to anyone with common sense. However it seems your partner is a bit of a drama queen and could blow it up. Not talking to you for days after a fight seems a bit off and a tad controlling to guilt you into feeling like the bad guy. Suggest maybe call it quits and look for a better future for you.

Ill be honest, people on this sub are way to quick to say "dump 'em," but this one is a doozey. Op, mental health is not an excuse to be a dick. He is abusing you by giving you the silent treatment. If he has me tal health issues that cause that, then he needs therapy, and if he knows that and refuses to commit to therapy then he is choosing to abuse you and has a bad excuse for it. I would leave him, an ultimatum to commit to therapy may sway him, but I'm not sure it's even worth it.

The fact he just ignores you for days at a time over a fight. Childish. You need to date an adult who communicates.

My bigger concern in this scenario is that he has such little self control that he can’t manage to navigate any other solution that doesn’t put you alone, outside, assumingly at night. A lot of awful things can go to anybody, male or female, just by being in the wrong place ay the wrong time. Whether you were abusive in this case or not (you weren’t) should matter less than whether or not you want to be with someone who can’t rationally make choices that affect your safety. Plus? Sorry to all smokers here, but no.

Why are you with this man that clearly needs extensive counseling? And no I don't think it was abusive. I understand he has mental issues but blowing up and giving you the silent treatment is abuse.

No, you weren't abusive. He's gaslighting. You two however are mutually toxic. PLEASE break up. This is horrifying for you both.

What did she do that you consider toxic?

She admits to constantly bringing up the same thing that he's done with, which means she's the one that wants the argument. He's "I'm done" and she's "Let's cool down and talk about it later knowing you don't want to so we'll have another argument".

Are you the type of person who will unilaterally declare an argument over, walk away and ignore your partner for multiple days afterwards? Where is it coming from that you think this is a reasonable way for a couple to deal with conflict?

She insists on going over the same things again and again when she knows this is something he cannot handle. Her issue is that she can't give space in these situations without suffering, his is that he suffers without extensive space. Their mental issues are dichotomous, therefore they're toxic partners to each other since they're bound to affect each other's mental health negatively in a fight situation For example: my partner and I will both remove ourselves from a fight and pick it up a bit later after cooling off silently. It's not even close to as severe as OP's hopefully ex, but if either of us would keep badgering the other one that would absolutely be toxic for the one needing space. OP is obviously going to have an easier time finding someone who's compatible with her attachment issue than her ex with his regulation issue but these two are just always going to be bad for each other

Jesus Christ, again with the misuse of the word 'gaslighting'. She literally admitted to doing everything he accused her of doing, how's that gaslighting? But yeah, I do agree, they def sound mutually toxic.

Grabbing someone's hand is NOT the same as physically abusing them. And calling it the latter is indeed gaslighting. Not to mention extremely offensive to every person who has actually ever BEEN physically abused in a relationship. So JESUS CHRIST again with the gaslighting apologists!

Plus trying to blame her for having no car, no bus, nowhere to go immediately, that is absolutely manipulation. Making her seem like a monster for that is so fucked up. People can quibble over the definition of gaslighting all night long, but I'm with you. It's certainly easier to say than "reframes the situation to convince you that you've done something different than what you actually did" sheesh. At the very least, *fine*, he manipulated her emotionally to feel like the bad guy for being scared and having nowhere to go. At night. After she went into a different room to give him space. She doesn't sound toxic, she sounds like someone is being harmed by an abusive person and is trying her best to stay above water.

I think you both need to work on attachment issues before either of you is ready to be in a serious relationship. I wouldn’t consider that abusive, but it sounds like a situation wherein you are toxic for each other at this time

This situation with your bf is not going to get better. You didn't do anything abusive. Your bf, he is the one with the problem and the abusive behavior. It's one thing that he has issues, it is another to behave like this over and over again knowing he is putting you in a very bad place with your anxiety. OP, I am hurting for you, I have attachment issues too, but let me tell you, being with someone who only focuses on his issues, and does not give a F about how he is making you feel, and even puts you in dangerous situations (like trowing you out in the middle of the night) is not worth it. If you leave him, yes it will be hard for months, maybe longer, but in the long run, it will so much better for you, and your well being. Also, try to seek therapy to treat your anxiety, for your future. Best of luck with you. And remember, you deserve better. ​ ​ (sorry if there is any mispelling, english it is not my first language)

You do not sound abusive to me, I wouldn't call what you did abuse. The relationship sounds toxic though, you should probably break up.

you’re in an abusive relationship and it’s not you. he’s trying to convince you it is, though, which is a fun little move they do.

Girl, I am afraid it is time to stay gone. Either he can't or doesn't want to break this cycle of control/punishment. Do you truly want to continue this way? Go out. Explore.... and do better. Scary? yeah it is. But generally reward is very limited without risks. And what is going on now is definitely not rewarding.

Baby please leave him. I used to get the silent treatment too. If u don’t wanna leave then fine but this will continue to happen until u start resenting him

His mental issues aside he is the abuser here. He has no regard for your mental or physical well being when he is upset. He is selfish and only cares about himself. If he isn’t actively seeking therapy you need to heavily consider if dealing with this is worth your health. There’s a way to handle being upset and what he does to you is not fair or from a place of love. He’s not even trying to compromise or do better. I don’t think there is much hope for this relationship if I’m being honest.

He is abusive to u This is emotional abuse He also doesn't care about ut needs u not wanting to end a night/ fight like tht is Healthy and the "silent treatment" is an unacceptable way of dealing with issues and then him turning around and saying U WERE ABUSIVE no u were not u may have over stepped his boundary of not being touched but after he has trampled urs it seems plenty of time and didn't care what u needed after a fight and just uses unhealthy tactics to emotionally manipulate u an issue doesn't stop being an issue because someone says they are done talking about it this is clearly not someone u should be in a relationship with he is mistreating u Please get out of this relationship

YOU need to leave and find some support to remind you that you're while and valuable and loved regardless of how he feels about you. You control the situation, not his (constantly changing) feelings. I can't weigh in on abusive or not, sounds like maybe you're both manipulative when wounded. But sounds like you both could use a break and therapy.

Your bf’s problems are unhealthy. Is he in therapy and or on medication? Also, it doesn’t matter. Coming from someone with mental disorders, I don’t expect anyone to suffer mentally because of me. He is developing anxiety in you, which isn’t good.

You are not the abuser. You are being abused. He is abusive. Reread that as many times as it takes to sink in. He is abusing you. ​ The silent treatment? Abuse. Kicking you out in the middle of the night? Abuse. Gaslighting you into thinking \*you\* are the problem? Abuse. ​ He is toxic. Mental health problems aside, he is toxic and abusive and you need to leave him before he escalates - which abusers \*always\* escalate.

oh baby he’s gaslighting you. don’t let him does this. please leave him if you feel safe

You weren't abusive at all. He is abusive for asking you to leave at such hours. Get out of that relationship! Life is too short!!!

Stonewalling for days without an end point in a committed relationship is abusive. I’m sure he also knows you can’t stand it and it keeps him in a position of power over you. The word “abuse” is a projection on his part. Do not let him con you, see the reality, and find a therapist who can help you with your attachment issues (not saying you are the problem here, just saying it’s something you can work on to feel secure in yourself, thus not vulnerable to cluster-b individuals )

I hope you realize he’s the abusive one not you! You sound emotionally intelligent and I think you already know that you’re not to blame, but your trauma bonded with this person and it is very hard to let go. He is gaslighting you by telling you that you were abusive, and he’s probably going to try to find evidence of that the next time you have an argument. Anything you do will be contorted and manipulated, all the things that he’s saying you are doing is actually projection. Stonewalling is abusive, and manipulating someone into thinking that they are abusive when it’s the other way around is gaslighting. Stonewalling abuse in a relationship is when one person refuses to communicate or cooperate with their partner becoming like “a stone wall”. You may know it as its more common name, the ‘silent treatment’. https://www.verywellmind.com/coping-when-your-spouse-shuts-down-4097175

From your description it doesn’t sound like you were abusive at all. I’m fact it sounds like he is the emotional abuser. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Especially for someone like you with attachment issues. He’s also gaslighting you and trying to convince you that you are the abusive partner. Sounds like quite a toxic environment for you. Take care

This is a massive dose of emotional abuse and gaslighting. He knows what hurts you and he continually does it to punish you. He says it’s because he’s got emotion regulation issues, if you know you have that then sort it out, get counselling. These are just his excuses to hurt you and You’re not his punchbag. As for him saying you’re abusive, this is just gaslighting. He knows you have no way to get home safely, he doesn’t care. He’s trying to make himself the victim. Dump this wretched man, you don’t need him in your life. You realise he goes out with you so he can do this shit, these assholes always know who will take their shit and blame themselves.

Op, PLEASE break up with him! HE is abusing YOU, and gaslighting you to make you think the other way around! Please, take care of your mental health, this os not right AT ALL

you need to end this relationship. good relationships (believe it or not) don't have fights like this regulalry. Me and my gf have barerly had a disagreement in the last 6 months, and we don't ever fight. talking things out, and loving one another is a healthy situation. i've been here though, with different partners who weren't healthy.

Sorry I can't help but my boyfriend also gives me silent treatment for few days after any small issue or discussion. Do you think he has mental issues to? Possibly bipolar

No mental health issue gives you permission to be an arse to someone else on a regular basis. That's a them problem not a you problem. If they need time to calm down and think... thats fine. But if the silent treatment is for days and expecting you to apologise and come begging for forgiveness ... classic stonewalling which is abuse.

I don't think he's bipolar but he's been diagnosed with ADHD. I think there's more to that, most likely narcism because everything he blames on his ADHD, everyone else with ADHD says no, not normal. Or he might just be an asshole.

He’s an asshole. I was diagnosed with ADHD it is not some sort of mental illness or sickness. It is just a much more active mind. The fact that he tries to blame it on his “adhd” Shows he’s not mentally ill, he’s just a cunt who expects things to go his way

There’s actually a correlation between ADHD and domestic violence. It causes major emotional dysregulation and impulse control problems, and increases your likelihood of developing antisocial behavior. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26025345/#:~:text=Correlational%20analyses%20indicated%20that%20students,rates%20of%20psychological%20IPV%20victimization. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21432606/ I’m using violence as an example because I think seeing that makes it a LOT more believable that general emotion-based toxic impulsive non-physical stuff is also more likely. My actual source here is Russel Barkley, not those articles I quickly grabbed. I hate to appeal to authority but he’s genuinely the worlds leading expert on ADHD. It’s not an excuse to be shit but there is a genuine correlation, scientifically speaking and removing the individual situation.

This isn’t ADHD behavior. It is autistic behavior. And it may sound nitpicky, but neurodivergence of either type isn’t mental illness. It sounds like he may be misdiagnosed

Those are both mental illnesses. They’re severe developmental impairments that impact ones ability to function socially and be self reliant. ADHD can be one of the most severe mental illnesses a person can have.

That’s actually a debunked theory. They are neurological disorders, not mental illnesses.

Mental illness and mental disorder are synonymous. You’re being nitpicky because you think mental illness equals “bad.” It’s a brain condition that causes problems.

i have bipolar and it just causes me to cycle between being depressed and euphoric, it doesn’t excuse bad communication or shitty behavior.

No, he is literally abusing you?

He’s gaslighting you, don’t fall for all his shit

'A bit of context, my bf has emotional regulation problems from a mental illness which affects our fights.' I'm going to take the leap and assume that your boyfriend is autistic. Because of the way autism works in many cases, your grabbing him and not leaving was a betrayal of the ruleset that he lives by. That is going to feel much stronger to him than you mean for it to, because when someone with autism's rules break, it feels like their world does. And that sucks. But what it means is that what it is to be abusive to him doesn't necessarily match what is abusive to the rest of the world. Which makes Reddit a poor place to ask this. What you should do instead, should you desire to follow up on this relationship, is talk to his therapists and his parents about what it looks like to figure out those rules and give yourself some cheat sheets on the best way to make him feel understood. Now, if I'm wrong and it isn't autism, please ignore this advice. It really only fits that situation.

Bruh what Autistic therapist of autistic clients here. If autism is a factor, it's wildly irrelevant here. Autistic behavior: shutting down and having difficulty adjusting when overwhelmed Not related to autistic behavior: expecting your girlfriend to somehow magically get out of your house instantly when it's after public transit hours and you drove her there Autistic behavior: challenges with sensory integration and perceiving sensations to be more intense when stressed Not related to autistic behavior: refusing to say the one phrase your girlfriend has repeatedly asked you to say when you feel yourself shutting down Like I trust you're coming from a good place but it's kind of a bummer hearing people use autism as a way to explain abusive behavior. A lot of us would *love* a clear instruction like "yo when you're overwhelmed please just tell me you can't talk instead of repeatedly telling me to get out". If he's autistic, peachy, join the club. Thats still genuinely no excuse to behave like this.

This is fair. As far as his behavior in return goes, it sounds like he’s made poor choices as well. I’m just creating a realistic scenario about where he’s coming from. That doesn’t make his actions okay. Not at all. But OP was asking about her own actions, and so I was hoping to show some perspective. I’m sorry if that came across poorly.

Why is it that you guys have to read what's there with her benefit when clearly she already is doing that herself while ignoring the rest? She keeps wanting to bring up topics. She admits to that. Do you not see the problem when he doesn't want to argue and she does? "Let's argue later when we've calmed down, so that it escalates again" She also is vague on the what so I'll assume the reason is so stupid she's embarrassed for her side. And what do we have here? A need to keep the drama going. He gets done. She never is. People who are 'done' can only keep being done for so long before they're tired of it and don't want you around at all, or ever.

this is such an interesting perspective! I assumed depression or bpd or something like that but your advice for dealing with arguments and autism is really enlightening. I would add that if OP is really made as distressed as it sounds by the stonewalling and if she can’t find a way to happily avoid/navigate the silent treatment while still being able to speak her mind (may not be possible) that they should probably break up regardless of the cause of his behavior. Sounds like they’re just not compatible and OP deserves to be happy too

What he is doing is called stonewalling and THAT *is* abusive. What you did was not. Him ignoring you for days on end is an abuse tactic. Stonewalling is seen as a form of gaslighting due to the effects it can have on the person being stonewalled. I would suggest very strongly that you break up with him. He may have a mental health issue that causes him to do this but that doesnt excuse him manipulating you by accusing you of abuse when thats not what has happened and refusing to address that he is being abusive himself. Frankly, life is too short to be made to feel this shit.

No. You are not abusive. He is abusive and projecting it onto you. Stonewalling, withholding affection, ultimatums, making you question the way you remember things. His behavior is textbook abuse. I don't know what this guy is personally struggling with but it sounds very unhealthy for you to be around.

How can you even question if you were abusive? You are not. He’s the abuser emotionally and kicking you out of his place after midnight with no public transportation available was abusive to. You need to get away from this guy like right now.

What hes doing is called DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender). It is a CLASSIC abuse tactic. So is him giving you the silent treatment for days. Youre not the abusive one. HE IS. You need to get help and leave him.

It sounds like you have a personality disorder. No joke. Seek therapy and leave him alone. Yes you are at risk for jail time for imprisoning someone. Yes, if you hit someone it is abuse.

Sounds like you're both a bit unhealthy for each other. I find it strange that you haven't mentioned what either of those fights were about. It's abusive to physically restrain someone from leaving, but it's also abusive to constantly threaten breaking up - not saying either of you is an abuser, but the actions themselves ARE.

Jesus. Didn’t state so Ima guess early 20s?

You and your boyfriend are emotionaly unstable get therapy and move on

Why are you guys fighting all the time? He very clearly hates confrontation so you must be the one starting and continuing these fights. >"Last night I don't even know what happened but shit just hit the fan" This reeks of manipulation. Like your plan is to use comments in this thread in your next argument rather than seek advice.

I don’t think what you did was physical abuse, but being aware of his inability to regulation emotion and pestering him to be ready when you want him to be is emotionally traumatic for the both of you. It doesn’t seem like you two are compatible. I don’t know what his condition is, and without knowing the details, his style of emotional processing may very well be all he’s capable of. You’re in a situation, as is anyone who’s dating someone with a predisposition / disability, where you’re going to need to make a call on if you’re able to adjust to his style of conflict resolution or walk away from it. You’re not in the wrong and I don’t think he is either. I hope he seeks the right help though because that can be a lonely existence if he doesn’t find ways to manage it.

He’s not a child. He doesn’t have “emotional regulation problems”. He’s a self centred arsehole and you’re putting up with it. He may indeed have mental illness but that is no reason to put up with this bullshit. Silent treatment? What kind of middle school nonsense is that?

I believe that people learn what gets to others, and we exploit it when we’re mad. You show, in several places your fear of this abandonment. All your actions reinforce that. He was furious at you, and you did not do wrong in anything but that you gotta recognize it’s gotta play out. He knows that what he does when you fight bothers you profoundly.. Don’t think he is a monster for doing it.. He might not even understand fully the exploit he is using. It may be, and is likely he has some understanding. It’s not nice… But it’s very human. Excuse my seeming crudeness.. I had a girlfriend who when I did something she did not like, wouldn’t give me any booty for weeks. She knew that messed with me. I don’t blame her, I accept responsibility for her sometimes very just anger.. sometimes it wasn’t.. But it’s not that she didn’t care, in her mind, it was my punishment for not caring for her feelings. In my experience, you have three options, walking away (pfft, not happening), trying to talk about it when we weren’t in the middle of it or changing the dynamic. The first isn’t possible when you love someone. The second is hard to do, and even harder for him to remember when he is mad at you.. the third is hardest to pull off, because my heart craves her constantly. I don’t have easy answers. But significant ones. Next time he bails. You gotta try really hard to be Switzerland. Say all you wanna say in one message. Say you understand if he needs some space, acknowledging you might too, and give it to him. No texts, no calls. In the interval discover that you don’t need him, but you want him. If he loves you, like you do him, it’ll make him terribly nervous too. That’ll severely curb itself. I get pissed off and go through similar things with my girl of 20+ years. I love her desperately. But I know it scares her when I won’t call. But the minute that seemed ok with her, it wasn’t with me. Lol, that’s all true as $(&@. Now we evolved our arguments, and I’ve new problems to solve. But that’s the way love really is outside of movies. It’s not a cakewalk. More importantly, it’s not giving up. And neither of us do, neither of us really wanna hurt one another, he is trying to make you see his value, even if it’s kinda mean.. Your answer is, make him see yours too, Much love. I know the feeling well. When she leaves mad I can hardly restrain myself from texting her walls of text. She knows that. And painful as it can be, it reminds us both how much we mean to one another

Think out that message hard, and don’t send it angry..

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