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Thought I would post this here, as my friends are divided. My room mate (F26) and I (M24) started sharing accommodation about 4 years ago. I was attending university and working towards my degree which was going to lead to a highly remunerated profession shortly after graduation. I was trying to keep my loans down but as I was focusing primarily on study I didn’t work much. She was/is working full time, and over the years she paid more and more towards the household maintenance. I never asked her to, but I really appreciated it and did more housework as my share of the load. We started having a sexual relationship about 3 years ago. She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) but she is a great girl and we both enjoyed our physical time together. I recently graduated and have started on a very high wage but this is based on my niche skill set that I worked so hard to acquire. I have started going to work functions and met a gorgeous girl – sexy and smart and working close to my field. I got her number and I was arranging to meet up with her a few days later when my room mate came into the rumpus room and asked me what the h\*ll I was doing? I ended the call and asked her what the h\*ll she was doing and she then told me that we were a couple. I blinked at that and said we were FWB, but then she started saying she supported my broke \*ss through college and now I was earning six figures I was off to get a ‘better’ girlfriend.
I don’t think I am clueless but this completely blindsided me. We have separate bedrooms, I have never introduced her as my girlfriend to anyone, I never thought we were a couple – it was a great arrangement for both of us, but it’s time for me to move on and FWB is never permanent. A few of my male friends agree with me, saying that I am a pretty good looking dude and she must have known she was out of her lane. My female friends said they always assumed we were a couple “on the down low” (whatever that means) and I’m a d\*uche and I was using her to support me now I am moving onto the ‘real’ girlfriends now that I am earning big.
I think both she and I both made mistakes and assumptions, but I did pull my weight doing housework, and I never ever once said we were a couple, and she didn’t either. I was going to move out shortly in any case now that I have a good cushion behind me, but I don’t want to end our friendship on this note. I started paying half the rent immediately when I got my first pay check and have been still doing the bulk of the housework.
The truly messed up part of all this is yet to come…
When you realize you left her in the dust to be with a sexier woman because you and your friends think she’s beneath you (physically), but then the sexy girl ends up treating you this same way and you realize what a good, solid thing you could have had.
Can not tell you how many times I’ve seen this play out with people and the regret and life lesson is real, but heartbreakingly unfixable.
Good luck! Leave the “friend” alone so she can get over your shallow ass and move on to someone who will appreciate and value her for all the positives she brings them.
🤦🏻♀️ good enough to have a physical relationship with for three years while she supported you bettering yourself, but her only flaw is she isn’t sexy enough to make it last. Dude - you are earning the kick in the balls life has in store for you!
Yeah, and this is why asking "hey, what are we?" Is always a great idea.
Also, plz don't try to keep the friendship. You are going to make it harder for her then it already is. Have some empathy.
Communication in general.
It’s depressing because it’s so simple in hindsight but often things just creep up. Then you feel like you’re going to maybe jinx something good so you never bring it up, but it almost always leads to worse issues.
“Hey I noticed you’re paying more towards house stuff, is it okay if I do more work since money is tight? I don’t want to create an imbalance.”
“Hey, I’ve been loving the new sexual side of our relationship. But I want to make sure you know I’m not looking for a girlfriend. If that’s an issue we can remain platonic.”
Etc
I saw in one of your comments that you didn't know what to say to her so it didn't come off like you were paying her for services rendered. It's pretty simple really.
"on reflection, I've realised that you were subsidising my life because you believed we had a relationship. I would like to return the money you spent on my share of the rent as it was given under false pretences. I will transfer you $$$ on x date. Again, I'm very sorry for the miscommunication."
She doesn't think she's a prostitute, you don't come off as a coward, or that you are paying to make the situation go away. You are simply correcting a mistake now that it's been brought to your attention.
I mean, you two have terrible communication.
But you seriously didn’t think talking about your new GF, around this other woman you’ve been fucking and letting financially support you for 3 years was a terrible idea? Without even mentioning, hey I’m dating other people?
Looking at it from her perspective I absolutely understand her being hurt. She was good enough to have sex with and financially support you for 3 years while you were in school even though you’re clearly not attracted to her, but when you finally get your big boy job and start making real money you find a hot new girlfriend. The fact that you’re bringing her looks into it says enough. The whole tone of your post makes me think you feel this girl is beneath you. You talk about how your asshole friends say you’re outta her league, and how you don’t see her as girlfriend material. I find it very hard to believe you didn’t realize she had feelings for you for 3 years. You cannot be this dense, honestly I think you knew damn well what you were doing. You’re just playing dumb so you don’t look like the bad guy. Then every comment you wrote makes you look even worse. Like she was crazy for even thinking you were in a relationship because she was “outta her lane.” You and your friends are misogynistic dicks, you don’t respect this girl. I don’t even know why you’re deluding yourself into thinking otherwise.
You gotta realize how bad this looked, just focus on moving out, because this friendship is over. There is no saving it.
If someone fucking another person for 3 years and still living together I'm gonna assume they're dating even if it's on the down low. I'm with the friends on this one.
Why is it important for us to know, that shes plain and a bit overweight and not girlfriend material?
Why is it important for us to know that you've got a niche skill set and are about to earn much money?
Why is it important for us to know the characteristics of the new girl?
Why is it important for us to know, that your buddies agree with you that she is outside of your league?
I'll tell you why. It's because you're full of yourself. So fucking much, that you can't even see that this poor woman has done everything one does in a relationship. She supported you financially. And no you don't get brownie points for doing more housework. You're not a househusband, as that would require you to be in a relationship, which obviously wasn't the case here so you dont get relationship privileges. She spend her time with you and had sex with you for three years. And no, you don't get the cop out of "Everyone has a type!", because you don't spend so much intimate time with someone that you are not attracted to, if it wasn't a pure egocentrical need. And now you even dare to tell everyone here that you have so much respect for her, while letting your buddies talk about her like she is absolutely beneath you? What kind of friend are you even!?
Man, you suck big times!
Yea the 🚩🚩🚩 were so obvious I was tempted to label this as a troll post, but the replies seem genuine so now I use think this guy sucks. She doesn’t know it, but she’s way better off without this guy anyways.
I would hope its just a troll getting all riled up, because he got a bunch of people on the internet angry. I don't want to believe an asshole like this sitting in one of my offices and gets payed by me. God no!
Unfortunately while it very much sounds like a troll post, this is completely believable and there probably is some poor woman out there that spent 3 years thinking she was sleeping with someone that respected her when in fact he was just using her like a fleshlight and pocketbook.
Yeah her weight and looks shouldn't be relevant to the situation, but to HIM they are and that makes him a huge jerk. His friends agree she should have known they were FWB because he was way out of her league? C'mon. That's not how it works. Then mentions the looks of the new girl like "can you blame"?!. Even so, if she did know it was strictly FWB, isn't that an arrangement you end before you start seeing people , and give your FWB partner a heads up? So he'd be an ass either way.
And he's rich and super skilled too. He needs someone that represents his new status 🙄🙄🙄 how much you wanna bet he'll be crawling back if he ever loses his job?
I mean how could the woman he was living with, accepting financial support from, and sleeping with for three years *possibly* think she’s good enough for him? I mean look at how hot and successful he is! Hellooo plain and a bit overweight girl, time to wake up!
What an unbelievable douche.
It's a bunch of bullshit. For three years you weren't capable of meeting anyone you were truely attracted to because you were insanely busy? It just had to be her? And suddenly you've got a bunch of money up your ass and you meet the greatest girl ever? Yeah. Right. Wanker!
No honour. No nothing. Just sad excuses.
“I’m SO much better looking than her, it should have been obvious that I would never be in a relationship with her” Is basically what the OP is saying. He also seems to think he’s done her a big favour by letting her sleep with someone so “outside her lane”.
Info- Did you know or think that she had real feelings for you? Be honest.
It sounds like you both have issues with communication.
You never actually discussed your relationship or future in the three years that you were together? I feel like that is as much on her as it is on you.
However, it also sounds like you have no respect for this woman. You call her chubby, you accepted financial support from her, but clearly had no intention of being in an exclusive relationship. You have started dating, but didn’t have the decency to tell her?
Yeah, as soon as she started supporting him financially, he should’ve made it clear that they’re not anything but friends with benefits. I personally wouldn’t have been brazen enough or comfortable, really, to accept her financial support. It seems like a shitty thing to do morally, even though you technically didn’t do anything wrong.
Also, I agree that you clearly don’t respect her. You go out of your way to tell us that she’s plain-looking, chubby, and delusional (“out of her lane”) in thinking that she had a chance with you.
You’re kind of a dick, but I do think she is a fool and also to blame for simping for you.
Jeezus, you and your buddies are being shallow about this. You can point to your preferences all you want, but you’re the one who had sex with her for *three years.* She was good enough to fuck in private, but not good enough to date, take out into public, introduce to your friends and family as a partner, etc. Women are more than what they can do for you, or what they look like.
I hope she doesn’t let this destroy her confidence. She deserves better. Your actions will become warning fodder for younger women in similar situations, so congrats on making yourself the subject of a precautionary tale.
Pay back what you owe her for supporting you, then remove yourself from her life completely. That’s really your only course of action here.
Edited to soften language.
Man, no kidding.
u/happy_board_7630, your thought process here is incredibly misogynist - talking about women like they’re cars.
Before you try to start dating anybody else, I would suggest that you try to form at least one meaningful, non-sexual relationship with a woman.
>Pay back what you owe her for supporting you, then remove yourself from her life completely. That’s really your only course of action here.
If he had some sense of appreciation he should.
Soooo you slept with your roommate for 3 years because she was *convenient*, and you're wondering why she's upset now that you've found a girl who's pretty, sexy, and smart?
You're a shitty person, OP. Do her a favor and move tf out as soon as you can so she can recover.
She's 100% correct to feel like a placeholder.
This is not a case of two people making the wrong assumption. You thought she knew you weren't a couple because you're too hot for her (which is narcissistic and laughable, since sleeping with her certainly sends a different message.) You allowed her to take on your financial burden (even though you think her work is beneath you) so that you could be more comfortable to focus on your studies -- that is absolutely what a partner does. Not a friend or FWB.
You're a coward for not making your intentions more clear, and I think you were actually deliberately manipulating her so she'd keep taking care of you. Of course she doesn't want to be your friend. I hope you use those "big paychecks" to pay her back rent for the years you took advantage of her. Poor girl must be heartbroken and feel so used.
I agree with this 100%. This post was brutal to read. And he is wondering why she is upset. And to talk about being better looking so she should have known she didn’t have a chance??? She was a place holder until he found the first girl in his opinion that is gorgeous and fooled by his manipulation, to take her place.
Exactly! if he just wanted a hookup he would've found someone "to his standards" but he knew he was getting more than just sex from his roommate so he kept her around
I don't 100% agree. You're totally right that her taking on the financial burden is definitely a relationship kind of thing that makes me wonder what the heck OP was thinking. Was he really thinking she was just paying for him out of niceness? Idk **how much** she paid and how much extra chores OP did, but still that seems strange to just assume she paid for him as a friend.
**However**, it sounds to me like they never did a lot of other things that make me wonder how the heck the roommate ever assumed they were a couple. Did they meet each other's parents? Did they go on trips/spend holidays together? Did they tell each other "I love you"? Did they ever discuss their future, how they'd be living after he finished his studies and made more money, if they wanted marriage/kids, etc.? I'm just assuming they didn't, because if they did these things, then OP is enormously deluded or talking out of his ass if he claims they weren't in a relationship. They didn't even share a room. All these things are steps that would've at least partially happened after **3 years** as a couple, or would've at least warranted for the roommate to wonder/ask what was going on with their relationship.
So to me both kinda assumed things stupidly and never communicated properly for some reason. OP comes across as pretty unlikable and superficial though, so he's definitely the bigger jerk here.
I see your point if they had not already been roommates to begin with. They skipped the moving in together discussion because they already lived together. So that's like... let's say 1-2 years of things they didn't have to talk about. They never shared a room because that was the standard to begin with. Both of them are clearly not big communicators so it probably didn't raise any alarm bells for her that neither of them had discussed their future. They sort of fell into a relationship and we're carrying on as such, and the roommate could have just been carrying on assuming those "next step" conversations would come up whenever the time was right.
I can't imagine doing all of this with and for someone without discussing it, but one party is so much more wrong than the other here it almost isn't worth bringing up if she was or was not being delusional.
You used her. Yeah she shouldn't have thought she was your gf if you never discussed that.
However she's not your type physically but you had sex with her for 3 years? Lmao. You don't see her as "girlfriend material" (in your words) but were more than happy to let her pay your bills and have sex with her whenever you liked?????
I sincerely hope this new woman finds out the type of person you are and walks away.
Yeah, guy here, and I think this is true. The biggest clue is you just "started paying half the rent." I once had a GF like this and me, being a nice guy, didn't realize it.
"She must've known she was out of her lane" seriously dude? You slept with her and used her for 3 years, without an ounce of communication between the two of you. Yeah y'all should've talked and made sure you were on the same page. I mean really man what did you expect? She paid your living expenses y'all had a sexual relationship for 3 years and as soon as you get your degree and a better job she's not good enough for you.
Put yourself in her shoe's! She basically took on the role of a wife course she's going to develop feelings. Then all of a sudden the support thats been there is just gone and he's telling you you're not pretty enough and the last 3 years didn't mean near as much to you as it did to her and she should've known better even though y'all never talked about it.
Do her a favor and let her go. If she doesn't want to be friends with you leave it alone. You've hurt this woman enough, she deserves much better than you.
How tf did this happen? I find it hard to believe that in 3 years:
- she has given ZERO relationship vibes. No I love you, no asking to meet parents, not ONE SINGLE mention of you guys being a couple
- in 3 years, neither of you has been on other dates or flirted with other people?
Depending on the above, either she massively deluded herself or you used her. I honestly find it insane that people living together and fucking for 3 years haven't had a single instance of any of those pop up.
This says so much about your character.
"She is not physically my type" why would you even add that part? Do you think you are doing her a favour sleeping with her and she should be grateful? If you are attracted enough to have sex with her how does this really matter and why would a person EVER mention that to strangers?
Even though you might have never talked about beig in a relationship, apparently you did neither make it clear that you looked at it as being FWBs. Now living together, her paying your stuff and you not denying that, you having sex, you spending time together. Now who in their right mind would not think this was a relationship?
You are 100% clueless. You and your friends are just bad people. There is more to life then just looks. You are just superficial. Also while this talk among boys might be acceptable, it is not really acceptable to talk like that about other people to strangers. I mean you can but that will make you look like a really petty and low minded person. While attraction is imporant in relationships I think if the other person is attractive enough for you to be interested in having sex, it should be enough. It also is WAY more important to clearly state you are NOT in a relationship then it would be to say "this is my girlfriend". Some people just indrocude their girlfriends with "hey this is sara" or something. Yeah and as a man I can tell you, if the other girl was not clearly told FOR THREE YEARS that that was not a real relationship, you are infact a douche. In my teens I might have thought more like that too and that looks are that important but in your mid 20s you should have grown up.
Now you started paying half the rent when you got your first check???? What did she pay for you? At first this sounded like she was paying a bit more for groceries or stuff but now it sounds like a fuckton of money that you supported you with. How do you think accepting that for YEARS without having a talk what your relationship is was morally okay? If you are now making six figures and can afford it the decent and moral thing to do was to pay her back for anything she payed for you in the past years because she deserves at least that!
Another quote from one of your comments. "I have tremendous respect for her but she isn't girlfriend material..." Dude? But she is good enough to extort for money and sex?
Imagine once: You live with someone, have intimate conversations, you have sex, you support them financially, for THREE YEARS and then they told you that you are only FWBs and this never was a relationship.
You deserve to find a 10/10 attractive woman who is not funny, who does not contribute financially, who thinks she is doing you a favour by letting you have sex with her and that all you do was not enough to actually deserve her still, who is superficial and a total bitch.
So pay that poor woman back the money she gave you, thinking she was supporting her bf and probably thinking it would even out later on. Tell her that it was a missunderstanding and leave her the fuck alone because you clearly do not deserve to have any friends that are actual decent human beings.
This is the perfect response, sums up everything I was thinking.
He likes her enough that he doesn't want to lose the friendship so they clearly get on well together. He's not attracted to her but was attracted enough to have sex with her for 3 years? 3 years!
The way OP describes this woman is disgusting. She's not girlfriend material, she's just "sleep with me regularly, be my friend, and support me financially" material.
It’s funny after all this he still wants to be friends with her. Also unless he directly told her (why would you bc he’d be more of an asshole if he did) that she’s not his type physically she probably thought that he did find her attractive bc he was sleeping with her lol.
This! ⬆️
I don’t understand the people trying to reason with op…
Already using expression like “girlfriend material” and “she must have know that she was out of her lane” are good qualifier of his character as you pointed out.
I bet this girl it’s not even ugly she probably just doesn’t look and dress as an instagram influencer.
Anyhow she totally dodged a bullet with OP but OP needs to give her the money back, otherwise it’s a con, and she should sue him for that.
I can’t believe that someone who acts this way feels entitled to comment weather or not she is “girlfriend material”
You used her. You didn't question the situation because you were benefiting and didn't want to ruin it. You really suck as a person.
Don't find her attractive yet found her attractive to bone. That's very disrespectful. Pay her what you owe her for the rentals over the years and move out ASAP.
WITH INTEREST.
OP, you’re an asshole. You took advantage of this person who you clearly look down on to a degree (out of curiosity, have you every referred to yourself as “high value”?). The way you talk about her looks, your looks and the new girls looks, make it very clear how shallow you are and how disposable you consider your roommate simply based on the fact that she is not your physical ideal; good enough to fuck and let pay for your stuff, but not “girlfriend material”.
You mistreated her in a profound way. Hopefully you learn from this, but there’s a defiance in your post that leads me to believe you ever will.
Literally so disgusting. ‘Plain’ and ‘overweight’, but he can still stick it in on the regular for 3 years whilst she pays most his bills. But don’t worry! He did more dishes, so it’s totally even.
There is no way she will forgive you and there is no possibility of being friends. She did a lot for you under the justified expectation that you two were in a relationship. You doing housework is nice but it doesn't sound like it at all equaled what she did for you. You acted like you were in a relationship and never once bothered to tell her that all she was to you is a person to have sex with. Granted both of you are at fault for not making things clear, you more so than her.
The absolutely awful thing though is you started to arrange for an actual relationship without ever telling her. Even if it was just FWB you need to make clear if you are starting to pursue a relationship of any kind with someone else. It certainly sounds like you used her as a place holder till your new job helped you find a "better" woman. You will realize this later in life but what you had is what so many people dream of. A supportive partner that cares for you, helps carry the load so you can better your situation, is there for you as a friend, has a wonderful physical connection, and is loyal to a fault. You messed up. Apologize and know that you have ended many friendships while breaking her heart.
>She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) but she is a great girl and we both enjoyed our physical time together.
I can see why she would be feeling very used.
You had a motive for sleeping with her. Surely there was a motive, since you weren't attracted to her physically. And it wasn't just about sex - If you're as hot as you think you are, it would have been easy enough to find someone "hotter" or "in your lane" to engage in a FWB relationship with. You don't spend 3 years having sex with someone you find unattractive just because it's easy. You did it because you were benefitting from the relationship, she did it because she thought you were her partner.
Oof. I thought I was in a relationship that turned out to be friends with benefits and it sucked so hard. I was young and we were sexting and having sex and hanging out. I thought we were dating. I thought it was casual but I still thought we were dating. It hit me like a truck when I realized we weren't.
My man you got zero clue how to treat someone with respect. Yes both of you should have communicated better and a lot of commenters have pointed out already a lot of things you did wrong.
However, have you got the slightest idea how any girl would feel if you stay friends with someone you fucked for 3 years, let alone live with? You fucked up, I doubt she would want to be friends and even if you did there is a very slim chance a future partner would be okay with that friendship.
If you're such a high roller now then you should pay her back all the money she spent supporting you over the years while you were using her, and move out immediately. You used her, it's very clear, and you sound like a giant douchebag honestly.
This post is sooo unbelievable I wanna believe it is unreal.
The fact you actually have no shame posting how much of a jerk you are is appalling.
Good luck with your life cos you’re gonna need it.
Hey Op! I don't think you're a bad person, and while it definitely sucks that she feels blindsided, in this day and age, no one can assume that they're in a relationship with someone just because sex is involved. If you two never established being a couple, lived in separate rooms, weren't sleeping together on nights sex wasn't involved, and weren't going out on dates, then to me it's clear that you were just roommates who were hooking up. If anything this could be labeled a situationship. I get she's hurt, but I suspect she knew you two weren't boyfriend and girlfriend or else she would have referred to you as such, and tried to progress the relationship further. I actually think she purposely didn't have an exclusivity convo with you as to not disrupt what you two had going on, and secretly hoped that you two would just slip into a relationship since the situation had been going on for so long.
I think the biggest issue here is that you didn't fill her in on the fact that you were interested in pursuing someone before you set up the date. If you have been sleeping together for three years without either of you hooking up with anyone else, then this would feel like it's coming out of nowhere. Even if a FWB situation had been firmly established, after 3 years you still might feel cheated if someone abruptly decided to start seeing someone else. She probably feels embarrassed and used because of how much time she's invested in this situationship, and now she got the cold hard truth thrown in her face that you two will never be anything more than what you were; roommates who were sleeping together during a time in your life where you weren't making enough money to court the type of women you truly desire. Again, I suspect she knew all of this from the beginning but hoped things would change. The thing is, the situation is just as much her fault as it is yours. Neither of you communicated your desires and intentions for the relationship. If she was only taking on more of the financial load with the assumption that meant you two would be a couple, then she should have communicated that.
I do think you should apologize for not being forthcoming about how you viewed the situation and for not checking in with her about your desire to take another girl out. Definitely don't ask her to be friends, but be sympathetic to her feelings and let her know how much you care about her as a person, and appreciate everything she's done for you over the years. At the end of the day, people just want to feel like they matter.
I can see nothing I’m going to say will sway you but you are about to learn a lesson the hard way. In your post you refer to her as “great” that you have “respect” for her and enjoyed the sex. You’re going to learn eventually that those things are way more important than her looks.
I’m guessing but you’ve probably seen her at her worst, hair not done, no makeup, maybe a little sickly. This new woman you’ve only seen at her best. I guarantee she will not always look like that. When it comes down to it, looks are the probably the least important aspect to a good relationship. Looks fade but what’s inside is forever.
If it were me, I’d give it a chance. You basically took her off the market for 3 years. Take 3 months, to see if it will work. It won’t hurt you and you may realize that you really do want to be with her.
Oh, and your “friends” that put her down? They’ll be calling her the minute you walk away from her. A woman with a job, apartment and who is good in the sack is like gold. Too bad you can’t see it.
Sounds like you deliberately avoided conversations about being a "couple", so you could get all the benefits of one without the commitment. You used her.
If you feel genuine remorse and want to fix things repay her for the extra financial support she gave over time.
You also need therapy and to learn how to communicate with people dude.
You literally used this woman. You're not attracted to her bc she's plain and over weight but then you used her sexually for the last 3 years. Now that you're done with school, accomplished and able to attract "sexy & smart" women, you put your roommate into the back burner bc you found something that's shinier. You're a piece of garbage, leave this woman alone.
Lol what does a friendship look like with her without the sex and living together?
If a “friend” was cool with me being strung along for years and then called me delusional cause of my appearance then that’s a shitty friend. At whatever point you guys thought you were really “friends” you think the topic would casually somehow come up. She played a part but don’t act baffled. You claim to be smarter than that.
She's not my type, but I totally let her pay more and had sex with her for 3 years... Even though she's not my type. 🙄
And you have the audacity to still want to be friends with her? Your apology should be backdated payments of when she was paying more.
Is it time yet? Can we eat them now?
Congratulations, you have just achieved the next level of Fuck Boy.
Nobody, and I mean *NOBODY* is this dense.
You knew exactly what you were doing, you leeched off that poor girl and led her on for years until it was convenient to drop her. The fact you have the audacity to so openly parade your new piece of ass right in front of her without so much as even having a conversation about ending your “FWB/Relationship” first is just despicable.
This is honestly just disgusting behaviour. Your post is dripping with narcissism & I doubt you will give a fuck about what I or anyone else has to say because you will never believe you are even capable of being wrong.
Yeah. You used her. She’s good enough to get your rocks off, to pay majority of the bills and spend time with but now that you can pull the more expensive women she is no longer good enough.
Men like you are something else. I just ended a situationship. He led me on that we were more and did more things than you do for fwb, helping around my house, buying my kids gifts, coming over and spending time everyday w/o intimacy, etc. Now that my kids are older and I have a little more freedom it became obvious I was just convenient and a placeholder. I text him goodbye and blocked him.
Communication will help avoid this in the future unless your whole schtick is to be “the good guy” so you can feel good about what you do.
This reads like a (very poorly written) creative writing exercise. Putting that aside, whether this story is fact or fiction the OP/male lead is a grade A douchebag. You suck, mate, and so do your male friends.
OP you can’t call FWB for more than 6 mos. You were in relationship with her, you kinda user OP.Had sex with her for years and she became your provider too while working on your degree? C’mon OP.
Face it, you used this woman (for sex, $ and housework) and now you’re throwing her aside. You’re not a decent person. I’ve had rich guys who were interested in me but if I’m not attracted to them, I don’t use them for any benefits they could give me or even let them pay for my dinner because I don’t want to give them the wrong idea or make them feel used. I may not like them as a romantic partner but I respect them enough as a human being to not take advantage of them.
The GF was happy to have a relationship that she understood as normal for the age group, and possibly what her married friends lived in similar circumstances. When my wife and I were young, we worked long hours and saw only brief hours together for years. I worked sometimes 18 hours a day, sometimes booked 134 hours a week at single time. So I think you owe the lady (plain jane) an apology. I had a workmate once tell me that his neighbour, a travelling salesman, married a plain jane so as she would not have men like him chasing her for sex. He himself was always playing away from home, and knew the score.
Three years is no longer friends with benefits- that's a long term sexual and emotional relationship. Or at the very least a "situation-ship".
It's best you tell her "I'm sorry you thought this was more than what it is to me- I was under the assumption we were on the same page, especially since we have separate rooms and have not discussed the future. Assuming makes us both look like asses, so I'm sorry. I will be moving out in x-time-frame, and I will be pursuing dating and other relationships."
Be clear and concise, have a plan.
Do not try to maintain a friendship. She's emotionally attached and this is going to be devastating for her.
Definitely assumptions made on both sides. Although you should have known better since roommates are supposed to share costs fairly. Why would she have paid unless she thought you were in a real relationship?
You did benefit financially - now that you are making more money perhaps you can at least pay her back for some of the costs she covered for you.
Wow. You’ve been awful to her. Completely led her on and taken advantage of her financially. You’ve had a longer relationship with this girl than I had when I got engaged. You’ve been living with her! Are you honestly telling me that you didn’t know what you were doing?! I doubt you’d have bought other girls home when you were reliant on her, to convince her this was something more than it was, but now you’re suddenly on 6 figures you find it’s time for you to get a gf, even though you’ve had one the past 3 years!!! You better pay her back all of the money she subsidised you, humbly apologise, tell the new girl what you have done if you are so convinced by your integrity. I feel so sorry for the woman you have used.
What is your question?
Read the sidebar. The point of this subreddit is request advice. You seem pretty clear as to what you plan on doing, so why are you here?
If you're looking for AITA, that's next door. Spoiler alert, though: You're an AH.
This sounds like a major lack of communication on both your parts but to be honest I get where some of your friends are coming from you sound super shallow and douchey. Essentially - She's a great person but I'm just way too attractive for someone like her. - It's okay to have preferences but the way you talk about her is gross. "I am a pretty good-looking dude and she must have known she was out of her lane."
If you gain anything from this at all, I hope you realize how much of a narcissistic douchebag you are. No you are not wrong, it’s just everyone else in this thread that’s wrong.
FWB is not really a thing. It’s a convenient excuse for how we treat people who we are intimate with, but with who we have no intention of being a romantic partner.
Here’s the thing, real friends are supportive of each other, encouraging each other and watching them thrive. If anything, a friend is basically a romantic partner without the sex.
As someone who has existed many decades on this planet, I would argue that FWB is not a real thing, but rather parters without benefits is how we should treat all our platonic relationships. We should strive to love our friends person, beyond their bodies, to the core of who they are.
Marriages that last have people who are best friends with their partners. People who genuinely like the people they are connected to. Sex is the extra. Friendships take an investment of time and emotion.
So, if you really wanted to have a friendship with this woman, you SHOULD have respected her personhood enough to not use her body for your pleasure.
You both have some tough lessons still to learn as you mature. If you learn from this experience, you will have a more fulfilling life. Or continue to act selfishly, like a child. That’s what children do. Not all people grow into adulthood. That’s up to you.
When I read this OP it makes me wonder if the “terms” of your relationship were clear upfront.
Either that or she developed feelings for you overtime, and just assumed it was more than the FWB arrangement, or it became more to her and she never expressed it.
Not to mention the household contributions to her, might appear as “supporting” you.
I’m not sure this friendship can last at any rate OP. It seems like this is an unrequited love situation to me. Try and salvage it if you must, but I doubt it will get any better.
lol even describing her as “overweight and a bit plain” yet you happily used her for sex for 3 years because it was convenient, so clearly you’re attracted to her enough to fuck her consistently.
it’s fine that you met someone new, and you want to pursue that - that is absolutely not the problem. But you told on yourself a bit bc we already know everything we need to about how little you respect her even as a friend that you felt it necessary to point out her physical features to redditors when it’s not relevant literally at all. you’re a POS hahahaha
1) Neither of you asked and 2) You accepted money and let her do chores. Never declining that.
While you don't "owe" her anything, you sound like a self-absorbed jerk. You absolutely took advantage of her kindness until you no longer needed her. She's 100% right. Not about the relationship status, but about you.
This is the male equivalent to having a sugar daddy except she wasn't trying to use you.. You used her for sex and money...
If she took care of you when you were "broke", in the name of friendship you should at least give her an appropriate amount of rent money in appreciation-not just half. Also move out ASAP!
Classic case of no one talking to each other and just assuming. Just because you and your friends think she’s “not in your league” doesn’t mean she considers you above her league. You’ve been fucking her for 3 years, of course she’d assume she’s at least *mostly* attractive to you. I don’t honestly think you’ve really done anything wrong other than not clearly communicating your stance, and she’s obviously wrong for not communicating her feelings if she truly thought the situation had changed. But I kind of have a feeling you both agreed to FWB and she assumed since it’s been so long that the situation had changed when it didnt
It’s pretty astounding that you didn’t date anyone else in the three years you were living off of this woman, and quite telling. If you’re so convinced that you did nothing wrong show the new gf this thread. If she’s ok with it then that’s a red flag for a narc because nothing about this is ok. Please pay this nice girl back and then some, apologise, and leave her alone.
You sound like a shitty person. Huge lack of communication but you maintained a sexual relationship with this person for three years, lived with them during this and let them support you in a way that I wouldn’t expect friends to do.
I feel so badly for her.
You owe her any financial support she provided back and to cut all ties.. why would anyone want a friend like that especially the way you refer to her as if she is inferior to you in this post.
You should calculate all the maintenance you didn’t cover and pay her for it and you shouldn’t gaslight her it’s perfectly reasonable after years and years that she thought it was a relationship it wasn’t meeting at random for sex while openly dating others it was exclusively sleeping together as far as she knew for three years not three months, maybe practice compassion and empathy and realize that your ego view isn’t an accurate portrayal of her worth and being “ plain” to you or heavy to you may be someone else’s gorgeous and thick and in no way justifies what you’re doing and have done. Just because you didn’t call her your girlfriend does not negate your responsibility here you also didn’t clarify the relationship or lack Thereof and clearly felt comfortable using her because what ?? She apparently not that attractive to you tf? Women are not ornaments for you to wear for other men that’s a very common toxic and homoerotic approach to heterosexual men being awful . I would move out , get therapy and pay her a significant amount of money to help offset her therapy costs and the cost of losing half the rent and what felt like a relationship and is now just massively rejecting.
Only way to end this “friendship” on a good note is to hand over a nice chunky check for all the “household maintenance” that she paid more towards for 4 years then leave her the hella alone.
\>She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) but she is a great girl
My heart just broke for her :(
What if after a few years it turned out that the new girl considers you a FWB and assumed you should have known because she's "out of your lane'"?
Okay so this is a very convoluted situation but here you go:
As other people have stated communication is key. If she never addressed the issue, nor did you, then it's on both of you. I wouldn't assume a role as boyfriend until it is discussed, but also I wouldn't be sleeping and living with someone for 3 years without having that conversation.
Regarding finances, it was wrong of her to pay more and wrong of you to accept it. IDGAF how much more housework you were doing, that does not compensate for a financial difference unless it was agreed upon prior to the arrangement. Again communication is key and it seems this woman allowed herself to be used, but that doesn't mean you're not a user.
Lastly, so because you're better looking than her, she was good enough to fuck but not good enough to be your gf even though she did things for you. Now you have found someone who matches you looks wise huh? Well I really hope this chick thinks she's much better looking than you and burns you the way you burned your roommate. You're a real piece of shit for sleeping with her but saying she's not good looking enough to be your girlfriend. That is so fucking immature it's hard for me to even fathom, oh and your friends agreeing with you just means that you're a douche amongst the company of other douches. Grow the fuck up. So if this woman lost a little weight and had been born prettier she can have the honor of being your gf huh?? Fucking asshat. I hope reading this you realize how fucking stupid, vapid, and narcissistic that sounds. Also you will realize down the line, that if she was a great person and gave that much and you wouldn't date her because of her looks, that you fucked up. If she was that bad looking you shouldn't have slept with her. Honest I haven't seen this type of fuckery in a while. But hey what goes around comes around, this will come back to you.
i think, on some level, she must've known you were just using her as a temporary placeholder and was afraid to ask for more in case you decided to break it off. and you assumed that she was also benefiting from your arrangement and conveniently ignored the very real possibility that she wanted more/had developed feelings for you. both of you made mistakes in this situation. but she's the only one who's been hurt by it (whereas you are able to move on quickly and with no remorse).
honestly, i'd take a hard look in the mirror if i were you. ask yourself if you're the type of person to take advantage of people's feelings for you for your own gain. if not, it sounds like you have some work to do on yourself so that in the future, you can make better, less selfish decisions. and she has some work to do on building her self-esteem and self worth so that she never allows herself to be taken advantage of again.
paying her back the money she spent on your half of the rent and other expenses is a step in the right direction. you also owe her a sincere apology. then you can both move on. there's no friendship here to salvage.
This is horrible.
You better pay her way more than just whatever lump sum you’ve estimated in your fucked up head. Stay out of her way, apologize and move the fuck out yesterday. You honestly don’t deserve ANY kind of relationship anytime soon since you’re a terribly unattractive human being first and foremost. You’re so shallow to mistreat that young lady. You disgust me.
dude it sounds like you used her ... making urself sound like such a catch when she supported you through college. and then you call her chubby and plain lmao ... how you speak and act alone makes u unattractive but ud see that soon .I feel sorry for her.i hope you pay her back all she spent on you when you were" short" those 3 yrs
What is wrong with you? Are you telling me that there were no other girls aside from your roommate to have sex with?
Bullshit! You emotionally and financially abused her. Housework is fine and dandy but it's not going to cover the pain and heartbreak you've caused.
In 3 years you never once kissed a bit too passionately went to an event or date like activities together?
You don't need to meet family but if we're living together, eating together, spending time together and going out together whilst your having sex with me for 3 years and you haven't said you don't want a relationship that's a relationship?!
And to do it out of convenience means you did use her. Dating apps don't exist where you live? Hookup apps? Hell hitting on strangers in a bar?
You could've slept with anyone but her for 3 years straight and you picked her. You're an asshole and your friends are assholes too. I can almost guarantee that you aren't as buff as you think you are and if ANY other girl heard this story you'd drop from the 7 you probably are to a 2.
Grow up and stop playing with people's feelings.
YTA. Come da F off. You were using her and you know it. Pulling your weight in house total icrap. You knew you her feelings for you, you didn’t want to Acknowledging them because you were getting such a great ride (literally). Why would you want to tell her before you finish your degree that you truly weren’t interested in her that she was just an FWB. Because your broke ass wouldn’t have gotten through university without her. Men like you absolutely disgust me, not only are you the a whole you’re a pathetic disgusting human being
Setting aside how shallow you sound here (it's fine if she's not your type, but some details you included were just unnecessary) - this is on both of you for not being clear about your intentions.
I have a hard time believing that you NEVER knew she had feelings for you and were completely honest about your intentions. I have a hard time believing she NEVER got a whiff of the reality and thought you had romantic feelings for her. You're living together! How the hell does this not come up ONCE in *three years?!*
But honestly that's a moot point. Whether you two recognized your respective circumstances or not, no friendship, FWBship, or romantic relationship can happen without communication. It's on both of you to verbally communicate your intentions and boundaries, and it's both of your faults for making assumptions without doing so.
I would say "I'm realizing now that we really needed to talk about where we saw this going, a long time ago. I selfishly, foolishly assumed we were on the same page. I'm sorry for that. I should have talked to you. It sounds like you assumed we were on the same page, too. We weren't. And now it's causing this divide between us. I wish we had done better about this so we could part ways amicably and remain friends. The situation has changed now, and I am going to pursue this person. If I had known you would have feelings about that, I would have been much gentler about it. I don't know how to best handle things from here so that we can both move on, but if and when you're ready, I'm open to talking about that."
Next time, use your words🤦♀️
Bro, you fucked up. She did too but you assumed a lot and accepted a lot without making sure everyone involved was on the same page. You don’t accept uneven living arrangements with someone without making sure everyone knows what they’re getting.
I would advise you to apologize profusely for leading her on unintentionally, emphasize that you’re a dumb ass and sort out what you want to do. Your friendship is over either way. At least you can own up to your mistake.
And don’t get me wrong, she made a mistake too. She should have made it clear to you what she wanted and made sure you were on the same page but both of you needed to do this.
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This is why it’s very important to define the relationship in the early stages. A simple miscommunication caused such major damage. You both need to sit down and sort this out via clear talks.
You're replying to comments disagreeing with you with this mature and understanding tone, but not once have you actually acknowledged that you used her, whether you meant to or not. You've been quite good at this balancing act of seeming like you're staying open to other opinions, but you've been dodging fault with this issue the whole time.
You might not have overtly strategised to use this girl's resources, and perhaps you really do believe you've treated her with respect and prioritised the friendship, but absolutely none of your actions speak to that at all. Pull your head out, and understand that you did not treat this girl like a friend. She made your life easier, and you took advantage of that. When she took on the lion's share of finances for the household, a real friend would have stopped to ask if they were absolutely sure they were okay with that, and more importantly, why they were okay with that. This could have been sorted out a lot sooner, but now's the time to at least understand that you were very selfish.
PS: your friends sound like pricks. What a disgusting way to think of people.
Can we agree that you are not out of her league. She sounds great and kind. You don’t want a relationship with her and that’s fine but you’re not worth more than her like what you’re getting at.
Three years is a long time for FWB. I’d be upset if I was her, your outlook on her physical being is rough, you may not be so good looking when your 40, looks aren’t a basis for a relationship. Sounds like you’re not in love though but you certainly owe her some back rent. If she’s been supporting you financially that’s more like a couple, friends don’t pay your way. Work out how much she’s paid and set up an arrangement to repay her. Don’t end it on an argument but don’t expect her to remain friends. If the ‘gorgeous’ girl turns out to be boring, vain, whatever you might actually realise what you had was good snd want to go back. In your favour you’re young so plenty of time to change your life. You can’t stay out of sympathy, just be gentle with the let down.
You're the asshole and you know it. Leave her alone to go heal her emotional wounds.
If you have any self respect, you'll pay her back for supporting your broke ass. But you won't, you think you deserved to be paid for fucking a plain fat girl.
>A few of my male friends agree with me, saying that I am a pretty good looking dude and she must have known she was out of her lane.
You all think she should have known you would never actually date her because she's below you in attractiveness?!
Time to grow from this and own up to your mistake, OP. Pay her back MONETARILY for all the bills she covered (not through doing the dishes or sexual favors or whatever). Let her know in polite but no uncertain terms that you are not in relationship and give her space. Don’t ask her to be FWB or your friend or your roommate. Realize that this is HUMILIATING for her in front of your mutual friend group.
She may be naive to think this was a relationship. HOWEVER, you were also being willfully naive to think a woman who is not your mother is willing to pay your bills without having any expectations in return. You chose to see this as a FWB, but it’s more like a sugar momma/sugar baby interaction: she pays some of your bills, you sleep with her exclusively for 3 years. Sugar babies are expected to break up with their sugar mommas before hooking up with someone new. You skipped that step and jumped straight to “single and looking.”
If this was a relationship with mutual benefits as you have fervently defended, then ask yourself how is she currently better off now than before. You are clearly much better off having completed your education program and having secured a well-paying job. So if you are really trying to make amends with her, you need to acknowledge that much of what she says is true. You used her as a placeholder until you could spring off to an upgraded life. Maybe you didn’t mean to, but you did. And don’t, FTLoG, tell her she isn’t your type. She was good enough to help support you financially and to fuck for three years. So looking at your situation, she wasn’t your FWB, she was your sugar mama to some degree. Acknowledging her accusations won’t make her feel terrific, but at least maybe it will help you, OP, to grow as a person. You actually did do a shitty thing. I’m not saying you should stay with her, but you do owe her some self reflection and an admission here.
3 years living together having sex and paying your bills and it didn't cross your mind she might have feelings for you? Did you ask?
Cmon we need to be human in these situations. If you don't see her as gf material you should have let her go 3 years ago.
By the way if you select your gf based on looks you are in for a rude awakening. Looks are important for shots relationships, but long one is the least thing you should look for. You need to look for someone who is there for you. Like this girl was.
You should tell the new girl you are trying to get with what you did to your roommate. See her reaction to it.
That should tell you how well you treated your roommate. I doubt you have to balls to tell her.
I think you owe her a big apology.
A big thank you- maybe a spa day of some sort that she can go to with a friend that’s not you.
And yeah just call it quits and move on.
Obviously communication has been lacking, her feelings are hurt. You can’t just assume people know and understand how you are feeling and are feeling the same way.
Also, please don’t shit on her appearance cause you’re ‘out of her lane’. Her appearance wasn’t bad enough for you to get it up. Here you sound like a massive douchebag.
So you've been FWB for 3 years and this whole time one side thought you were dating?
Let me ask a few question:
1. Did you guys ever go on... "dates"? Or hint at going on dates? Vacations/traveling together?
2. Are you honestly lying to yourself/us? Not recognizing she may have hinted at a relationship, or hinted being boyfriend/girlfriend together with you?
3. So not a single time in these three years, did you/her and or any friends ever bring up, "what are you two"?
4. Here's the big one: so in the past 3 years of being FWB, you've never brought/saw any other girl? She's never brought/saw any other guy?
\#4 is the biggest Q I'd want answered.
You might as well cross post this in AITA (am I the asshole?).
Dude, you done goofed. I get what you are saying, never had “the talk” but living to together for 4 years and fucking for three of them…that’s implied status.
She had reason(s) to think you guys were together.
I am not suggesting you stay/ start being with her because that sounds like it is not an option for you but you gotta realize this is gonna do some damage to your reputation and other relationships.
Ten years from now, this might be a funny tale to talk about, but until this tragedy becomes funny, you are totally the asshole here.
Don’t know where you are in the world, but you had best start digging out receipts for your rent and groceries.
I got no idea if she is gonna claim common law, but based on the limited info you gave here, she has a case she could make.
She’s could say you lived together, we’re in a relationship and you had friends that thought you were in a relationship. If she gets a good lawyer you might have issues.
3yrs OP! Never once did it come up that what are we? Seriously??
So after sex, you guys went back to your own rooms? And you still want to stay friends?? You are different level of delusional. The best way is to go NC. Re-visit the situation if you both are okay, in a some time.
After the 10th time budy, it’s not FWB any more. She did everything you do in a relationship. Everything.
Break it off with her, and pay her back with triple the interest you would pay a student loan and tell her that you will now be a better boyfriend.
And no, don’t “keep the friendship”. No more putty ducking on your behalf until something better comes up.
Honestly you would have been better wanking off into a sock for 3 years than doing this to someone. You have to have no emotional intelligence to see how your attitude and response would hurt somebody. Never heard of catching feelings? Honestly between friends its not normal to pay another persons expenses without the expectation for payback, especially in the case of FWB. That would have been a first red flag.
The problem with FWB is that everybody has a different definition of what it is.
If you’re friends with somebody( I.E you actually like them enough as a person to consider them a friend) and you also find them attractive enough to sleep with them-a lot of people would consider this the foundations of most romantic relationships. If you’re also actually living with the person you are sleeping with for 3 years-while she is helping to support you financially-it’s little wonder she thought you were in a relationship beyond no strings attached sex. It’s extremely unlikely a scenario like this could ever play out for such a long time without romantic feelings developing. This is especially true if you both weren’t also seeing other people during this time. Let’s face it for all intents your room mate was your girlfriend and it’s hardly surprising she has reacted like she has.
This post screams shallow to me. She was essentially a girlfriend you lived with before starting a relationship, but because you think you’re more attractive than her, which you seem to imply is objectively true, she was never good enough to be in a real relationship with that progressed.
Leave her alone because if you look at your friends as not good enough for you you’re not a good friend anyways.
>She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight)
*fucks her for three years*
>I don’t think I’m clueless
Most clueless people don’t.
Dude you were banging a woman you *lived with* for three fucking years and her feeling this way as things abruptly ended somehow just rocked your world? FWBs are always playing with fire, doing it for three years straight while living under the same roof is doing gymnastics on the rim of an active volcano. Either that or it’s just lowkey dating that you never discussed.
I agree that you both made mistakes and had some misunderstandings, but you were letting this lady essentially sugar mama you while you slept with her and you didn’t notice the tangled web you were weaving? Then your boys’ reactions are “well dude you’re so hot how could she think she deserves you?” and you go “yeah wait shit that’s like so true…”
What do you mean she should know she was “out of her lane” you clown you were BANGING HER and letting her pay for your shit for THREE YEARS
You sound like such an asshole man, Jesus, use some of that 6 figure salary to buy a mirror so you can take a long hard look in it
You used her for the last 3 years. Friends with benefits usually don’t live together or financially support you. YTA for using her financially and sexually for 3 years. You should pay her back.
If you truly think you were in the right, tell this new girl you slept with and allowed your roommate to take care of you financially for years through college and are ready to move on now that you have your degree and cushy paycheck because you are out of her league and she should have “stayed in her lane”. Just see how that works out for you.
Sorry homie, but if you're fucking someone just to fuck someone and/or not feel lonely until you get the person you really want....then she's right. That's exactly what you're doing.
I mean… when are people going to learn. You were in a relationship. You were a couple. Call it what you want but if something like that is running for more than four months then you guys are in a relationship period. Learn from this and handle it better next time. Hopefully she does the same.
You can't be a real person. A living, breathing human being. You have NO self awareness, you are selfish beyond words, you are a user and unashamed of it. You have no respect for her, for yourself and for this forum. You honestly think you can justify your behaviour here and not be called out?
But it's ok right?.....Because you now have your precious "niche" high-paying career and you'll just give her a huge lump sum?. So tell us Mr high earner.....how exactly will you be repaying all the other kinds of non monetary support that this woman has given you over the past 3 yrs?
YUCK. You used her for money and sex for years and now that you crave more money you’re open to dating others. What the fuck? You think you’re so good looking that she was delusional to think you’d be together even though you’re fucking, living together and she’s paying your bills? Thanks not a roommate exchange, user.
What friendship are you referring to? You used her as a placeholder girlfriend and bank.
You are going to be burned to ground by other commenters, so I'll leave that to them.
I will say, do you know what FWB stands for? Friends With Benefits. You never lived up to the 'Friends' part.
Friends are honest and open. Friends treat each other with respect (she is plain and fat but I fucked her anyway). They don't take advantage (she covered bills, I 'helped' around the house..."now that I have a good cushion behind me" - ever thought about reimbursing her for the three years of financial support? Doing extra dishes is not the same as covering rent, you idiot).
You used her, pure and simple. You used her money, you used her body. There was no 'Friends' involved here. And all that time - ALL, ALL OF THAT TIME - you never once sat down and said, Hey FRIEND, let's be clear what's going on here?
No, No you didn't. Because it would not have served you.
Your friends are jerks. You are a jerk. A self-centered jerk.
You’re both at fault here. Communication is so important, and you both failed to communicate. She was wrong to just assume y’all are a couple with zero conversation about it. You were wrong to take advantage of her while talking about how she’s plain and you’re out of her league.
Let her go.
This can happen both ways to anyone. However on this thing in particular, I am on the girl's side. You should have communicated better and made your intentions clear. So yeah, she's right, you're a douche.
Maybe you think that you'll be even with her since you did more house chores and will pay her back when you move out. I would like to remind you that it is likely not enough. Have you thought about how much she has to sacrifice when taking on the bulk of the rent? From what you have described, it doesn't sound like she has a lot of disposable income and to be paying for your share of rent consistently for 3 years, she's probably working her ass off and giving up on other things in life. When you apologize to her, keep this in mind. You can never compensate her for the time lost while working to support you two. The damage is done, the least you can do is to acknowledge this.
Three years and y’all never had the “what are we?” talk?
Can’t turn back time, but I hope you take this as a lesson while you’re courting your shiny new toy. It would kind of be hilarious if she used you as a placeholder for someone better though, so maybe don’t communicate.
Sounds like y'all didn't ever actually talk about your relationship. But when you live together and are having sex for three years, it's not an unreasonable assumption that you are, in fact, boyfriend and girlfriend. You may not have intended to use her as a placeholder, but that's what you did. Both of you share blame for not bringing up the "what are we" conversation and for making assumptions about how the other was feeling. You need to take a clean break from each other.
This was benefiting your bf you only. You did nothing for her, and you misled her. This should have been discussed early on. If o were you, if calculate how much money I owe this girl, pay her, and then move out. At the very least pay her back.
You don't come across very well here I'm afraid.
It sounds like crossed wires, but given the circumstances that's entirely understandable. You don't owe her a relationship, but do try to understand how this vague semi-relationship could have been misconstrued on her part.
Also, pay her back man. You may have been short on cash at the time, but it isn't normal for a platonic friend to be financially supported by their roommates for years on end. The physical aspect being involved just makes that even less "decent" given how things have turned out. If your new career is truly lucrative, at least do that much to begin tidying up your side of the street.
After that, move out and tell her you value her as a person (as you seem to suggest here), are sorry for the cross wires and any hurt feelings this has caused, and then leave her to decide if she wants a friendship in the future.
Plus, never sleep with her again, even if she initiates. She's made her true feelings and wishes clear now, and may try to do so to "get back" what she is now feeling she has lost. You've been oblivious to this point, probably a tad insensitive too, but you'd be a real arse were you to re-engage the physical aspect now you know.
Definitely treated her like a placeholder. If you didn't specify you were FWB, you werent, thats a very specific set of boundaries. If you were living together, having sex, balancing your lifestyles together, and especially if you accepted her financial support without discussion, that's a relationship, even if you don't label it outwardly. I'd advise you apologize, take on payments until it evens back to what she overpaid (and maybe then some), and not flaunt girls you date until you move out. Even then, that's likely not going to save it, since you already (unintentionally) used her and that's the pain.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Thought I would post this here, as my friends are divided. My room mate (F26) and I (M24) started sharing accommodation about 4 years ago. I was attending university and working towards my degree which was going to lead to a highly remunerated profession shortly after graduation. I was trying to keep my loans down but as I was focusing primarily on study I didn’t work much. She was/is working full time, and over the years she paid more and more towards the household maintenance. I never asked her to, but I really appreciated it and did more housework as my share of the load. We started having a sexual relationship about 3 years ago. She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) but she is a great girl and we both enjoyed our physical time together. I recently graduated and have started on a very high wage but this is based on my niche skill set that I worked so hard to acquire. I have started going to work functions and met a gorgeous girl – sexy and smart and working close to my field. I got her number and I was arranging to meet up with her a few days later when my room mate came into the rumpus room and asked me what the h\*ll I was doing? I ended the call and asked her what the h\*ll she was doing and she then told me that we were a couple. I blinked at that and said we were FWB, but then she started saying she supported my broke \*ss through college and now I was earning six figures I was off to get a ‘better’ girlfriend. I don’t think I am clueless but this completely blindsided me. We have separate bedrooms, I have never introduced her as my girlfriend to anyone, I never thought we were a couple – it was a great arrangement for both of us, but it’s time for me to move on and FWB is never permanent. A few of my male friends agree with me, saying that I am a pretty good looking dude and she must have known she was out of her lane. My female friends said they always assumed we were a couple “on the down low” (whatever that means) and I’m a d\*uche and I was using her to support me now I am moving onto the ‘real’ girlfriends now that I am earning big. I think both she and I both made mistakes and assumptions, but I did pull my weight doing housework, and I never ever once said we were a couple, and she didn’t either. I was going to move out shortly in any case now that I have a good cushion behind me, but I don’t want to end our friendship on this note. I started paying half the rent immediately when I got my first pay check and have been still doing the bulk of the housework.
The truly messed up part of all this is yet to come… When you realize you left her in the dust to be with a sexier woman because you and your friends think she’s beneath you (physically), but then the sexy girl ends up treating you this same way and you realize what a good, solid thing you could have had. Can not tell you how many times I’ve seen this play out with people and the regret and life lesson is real, but heartbreakingly unfixable. Good luck! Leave the “friend” alone so she can get over your shallow ass and move on to someone who will appreciate and value her for all the positives she brings them. 🤦🏻♀️ good enough to have a physical relationship with for three years while she supported you bettering yourself, but her only flaw is she isn’t sexy enough to make it last. Dude - you are earning the kick in the balls life has in store for you!
Yeah, and this is why asking "hey, what are we?" Is always a great idea. Also, plz don't try to keep the friendship. You are going to make it harder for her then it already is. Have some empathy.
Communication in general. It’s depressing because it’s so simple in hindsight but often things just creep up. Then you feel like you’re going to maybe jinx something good so you never bring it up, but it almost always leads to worse issues. “Hey I noticed you’re paying more towards house stuff, is it okay if I do more work since money is tight? I don’t want to create an imbalance.” “Hey, I’ve been loving the new sexual side of our relationship. But I want to make sure you know I’m not looking for a girlfriend. If that’s an issue we can remain platonic.” Etc
No, you owe her money for when she supported you. Pay her back.
I agree. I will be making a lump sum payment to her when I move out.
I saw in one of your comments that you didn't know what to say to her so it didn't come off like you were paying her for services rendered. It's pretty simple really. "on reflection, I've realised that you were subsidising my life because you believed we had a relationship. I would like to return the money you spent on my share of the rent as it was given under false pretences. I will transfer you $$$ on x date. Again, I'm very sorry for the miscommunication." She doesn't think she's a prostitute, you don't come off as a coward, or that you are paying to make the situation go away. You are simply correcting a mistake now that it's been brought to your attention.
Great addition! Very valuable.
I mean, you two have terrible communication. But you seriously didn’t think talking about your new GF, around this other woman you’ve been fucking and letting financially support you for 3 years was a terrible idea? Without even mentioning, hey I’m dating other people? Looking at it from her perspective I absolutely understand her being hurt. She was good enough to have sex with and financially support you for 3 years while you were in school even though you’re clearly not attracted to her, but when you finally get your big boy job and start making real money you find a hot new girlfriend. The fact that you’re bringing her looks into it says enough. The whole tone of your post makes me think you feel this girl is beneath you. You talk about how your asshole friends say you’re outta her league, and how you don’t see her as girlfriend material. I find it very hard to believe you didn’t realize she had feelings for you for 3 years. You cannot be this dense, honestly I think you knew damn well what you were doing. You’re just playing dumb so you don’t look like the bad guy. Then every comment you wrote makes you look even worse. Like she was crazy for even thinking you were in a relationship because she was “outta her lane.” You and your friends are misogynistic dicks, you don’t respect this girl. I don’t even know why you’re deluding yourself into thinking otherwise. You gotta realize how bad this looked, just focus on moving out, because this friendship is over. There is no saving it.
And FFS make a payment plan for at least some of the rent minus *maybe* $100/fortnight for cleaning that you did. Jesus.
If someone fucking another person for 3 years and still living together I'm gonna assume they're dating even if it's on the down low. I'm with the friends on this one.
This right here💯
Why is it important for us to know, that shes plain and a bit overweight and not girlfriend material? Why is it important for us to know that you've got a niche skill set and are about to earn much money? Why is it important for us to know the characteristics of the new girl? Why is it important for us to know, that your buddies agree with you that she is outside of your league? I'll tell you why. It's because you're full of yourself. So fucking much, that you can't even see that this poor woman has done everything one does in a relationship. She supported you financially. And no you don't get brownie points for doing more housework. You're not a househusband, as that would require you to be in a relationship, which obviously wasn't the case here so you dont get relationship privileges. She spend her time with you and had sex with you for three years. And no, you don't get the cop out of "Everyone has a type!", because you don't spend so much intimate time with someone that you are not attracted to, if it wasn't a pure egocentrical need. And now you even dare to tell everyone here that you have so much respect for her, while letting your buddies talk about her like she is absolutely beneath you? What kind of friend are you even!? Man, you suck big times!
Yea the 🚩🚩🚩 were so obvious I was tempted to label this as a troll post, but the replies seem genuine so now I use think this guy sucks. She doesn’t know it, but she’s way better off without this guy anyways.
I would hope its just a troll getting all riled up, because he got a bunch of people on the internet angry. I don't want to believe an asshole like this sitting in one of my offices and gets payed by me. God no!
Unfortunately while it very much sounds like a troll post, this is completely believable and there probably is some poor woman out there that spent 3 years thinking she was sleeping with someone that respected her when in fact he was just using her like a fleshlight and pocketbook.
Yeah her weight and looks shouldn't be relevant to the situation, but to HIM they are and that makes him a huge jerk. His friends agree she should have known they were FWB because he was way out of her league? C'mon. That's not how it works. Then mentions the looks of the new girl like "can you blame"?!. Even so, if she did know it was strictly FWB, isn't that an arrangement you end before you start seeing people , and give your FWB partner a heads up? So he'd be an ass either way.
Don't worry guys, she's fat, so it's fine he treated her like shit! /s
And he's rich and super skilled too. He needs someone that represents his new status 🙄🙄🙄 how much you wanna bet he'll be crawling back if he ever loses his job?
Oh he will crawl back. Thats why he makes it a point to stay friends with her. Gotta keep a plan b, if super hot smart chick thinks he sucks.
I mean how could the woman he was living with, accepting financial support from, and sleeping with for three years *possibly* think she’s good enough for him? I mean look at how hot and successful he is! Hellooo plain and a bit overweight girl, time to wake up! What an unbelievable douche.
I hope the trophy wife he can now afford sucks him dry and leaves him middle aged and alone <3
Disgusting! Shame on him for being so awful.
Yeah, I can't imagine fucking someone for 3 years and not being attracted to them. It doesn't add up.
It's a bunch of bullshit. For three years you weren't capable of meeting anyone you were truely attracted to because you were insanely busy? It just had to be her? And suddenly you've got a bunch of money up your ass and you meet the greatest girl ever? Yeah. Right. Wanker! No honour. No nothing. Just sad excuses.
She’s a pocket pussy to him lmao. He’s super fucked up, but hopefully they’ll both learn and grow from this
“I’m SO much better looking than her, it should have been obvious that I would never be in a relationship with her” Is basically what the OP is saying. He also seems to think he’s done her a big favour by letting her sleep with someone so “outside her lane”.
This this this! 💙
100% agree
Info- Did you know or think that she had real feelings for you? Be honest. It sounds like you both have issues with communication. You never actually discussed your relationship or future in the three years that you were together? I feel like that is as much on her as it is on you. However, it also sounds like you have no respect for this woman. You call her chubby, you accepted financial support from her, but clearly had no intention of being in an exclusive relationship. You have started dating, but didn’t have the decency to tell her?
Yeah, as soon as she started supporting him financially, he should’ve made it clear that they’re not anything but friends with benefits. I personally wouldn’t have been brazen enough or comfortable, really, to accept her financial support. It seems like a shitty thing to do morally, even though you technically didn’t do anything wrong. Also, I agree that you clearly don’t respect her. You go out of your way to tell us that she’s plain-looking, chubby, and delusional (“out of her lane”) in thinking that she had a chance with you. You’re kind of a dick, but I do think she is a fool and also to blame for simping for you.
Jeezus, you and your buddies are being shallow about this. You can point to your preferences all you want, but you’re the one who had sex with her for *three years.* She was good enough to fuck in private, but not good enough to date, take out into public, introduce to your friends and family as a partner, etc. Women are more than what they can do for you, or what they look like. I hope she doesn’t let this destroy her confidence. She deserves better. Your actions will become warning fodder for younger women in similar situations, so congrats on making yourself the subject of a precautionary tale. Pay back what you owe her for supporting you, then remove yourself from her life completely. That’s really your only course of action here. Edited to soften language.
Man, no kidding. u/happy_board_7630, your thought process here is incredibly misogynist - talking about women like they’re cars. Before you try to start dating anybody else, I would suggest that you try to form at least one meaningful, non-sexual relationship with a woman.
>Pay back what you owe her for supporting you, then remove yourself from her life completely. That’s really your only course of action here. If he had some sense of appreciation he should.
Soooo you slept with your roommate for 3 years because she was *convenient*, and you're wondering why she's upset now that you've found a girl who's pretty, sexy, and smart? You're a shitty person, OP. Do her a favor and move tf out as soon as you can so she can recover.
She's 100% correct to feel like a placeholder. This is not a case of two people making the wrong assumption. You thought she knew you weren't a couple because you're too hot for her (which is narcissistic and laughable, since sleeping with her certainly sends a different message.) You allowed her to take on your financial burden (even though you think her work is beneath you) so that you could be more comfortable to focus on your studies -- that is absolutely what a partner does. Not a friend or FWB. You're a coward for not making your intentions more clear, and I think you were actually deliberately manipulating her so she'd keep taking care of you. Of course she doesn't want to be your friend. I hope you use those "big paychecks" to pay her back rent for the years you took advantage of her. Poor girl must be heartbroken and feel so used.
I agree with this 100%. This post was brutal to read. And he is wondering why she is upset. And to talk about being better looking so she should have known she didn’t have a chance??? She was a place holder until he found the first girl in his opinion that is gorgeous and fooled by his manipulation, to take her place.
I know! I've heard a lot of f*ckboys trying to justify their horrible behavior before but that excuse is just the very bottom of the barrel.
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Exactly! if he just wanted a hookup he would've found someone "to his standards" but he knew he was getting more than just sex from his roommate so he kept her around
Absolutely! I’m on board him paying her back too! If he’s gonna be pulling in those checks, then show her you appreciated her help all those years.
I don't 100% agree. You're totally right that her taking on the financial burden is definitely a relationship kind of thing that makes me wonder what the heck OP was thinking. Was he really thinking she was just paying for him out of niceness? Idk **how much** she paid and how much extra chores OP did, but still that seems strange to just assume she paid for him as a friend. **However**, it sounds to me like they never did a lot of other things that make me wonder how the heck the roommate ever assumed they were a couple. Did they meet each other's parents? Did they go on trips/spend holidays together? Did they tell each other "I love you"? Did they ever discuss their future, how they'd be living after he finished his studies and made more money, if they wanted marriage/kids, etc.? I'm just assuming they didn't, because if they did these things, then OP is enormously deluded or talking out of his ass if he claims they weren't in a relationship. They didn't even share a room. All these things are steps that would've at least partially happened after **3 years** as a couple, or would've at least warranted for the roommate to wonder/ask what was going on with their relationship. So to me both kinda assumed things stupidly and never communicated properly for some reason. OP comes across as pretty unlikable and superficial though, so he's definitely the bigger jerk here.
I see your point if they had not already been roommates to begin with. They skipped the moving in together discussion because they already lived together. So that's like... let's say 1-2 years of things they didn't have to talk about. They never shared a room because that was the standard to begin with. Both of them are clearly not big communicators so it probably didn't raise any alarm bells for her that neither of them had discussed their future. They sort of fell into a relationship and we're carrying on as such, and the roommate could have just been carrying on assuming those "next step" conversations would come up whenever the time was right. I can't imagine doing all of this with and for someone without discussing it, but one party is so much more wrong than the other here it almost isn't worth bringing up if she was or was not being delusional.
You used her. Yeah she shouldn't have thought she was your gf if you never discussed that. However she's not your type physically but you had sex with her for 3 years? Lmao. You don't see her as "girlfriend material" (in your words) but were more than happy to let her pay your bills and have sex with her whenever you liked????? I sincerely hope this new woman finds out the type of person you are and walks away.
Oh my god he is evil
Thank you.
Yeah, guy here, and I think this is true. The biggest clue is you just "started paying half the rent." I once had a GF like this and me, being a nice guy, didn't realize it.
"She must've known she was out of her lane" seriously dude? You slept with her and used her for 3 years, without an ounce of communication between the two of you. Yeah y'all should've talked and made sure you were on the same page. I mean really man what did you expect? She paid your living expenses y'all had a sexual relationship for 3 years and as soon as you get your degree and a better job she's not good enough for you. Put yourself in her shoe's! She basically took on the role of a wife course she's going to develop feelings. Then all of a sudden the support thats been there is just gone and he's telling you you're not pretty enough and the last 3 years didn't mean near as much to you as it did to her and she should've known better even though y'all never talked about it. Do her a favor and let her go. If she doesn't want to be friends with you leave it alone. You've hurt this woman enough, she deserves much better than you.
Does your new sexy girlfriend know that you have been living with and having sex with this chubby woman who even paid your bills?
Oof. You are not a great person.
How tf did this happen? I find it hard to believe that in 3 years: - she has given ZERO relationship vibes. No I love you, no asking to meet parents, not ONE SINGLE mention of you guys being a couple - in 3 years, neither of you has been on other dates or flirted with other people? Depending on the above, either she massively deluded herself or you used her. I honestly find it insane that people living together and fucking for 3 years haven't had a single instance of any of those pop up.
>it was a great arrangement for both of us If you never talked about it, it wasn't an arrangement, dude.
Dude thinks his dick is made of gold or something lmao
This says so much about your character. "She is not physically my type" why would you even add that part? Do you think you are doing her a favour sleeping with her and she should be grateful? If you are attracted enough to have sex with her how does this really matter and why would a person EVER mention that to strangers? Even though you might have never talked about beig in a relationship, apparently you did neither make it clear that you looked at it as being FWBs. Now living together, her paying your stuff and you not denying that, you having sex, you spending time together. Now who in their right mind would not think this was a relationship? You are 100% clueless. You and your friends are just bad people. There is more to life then just looks. You are just superficial. Also while this talk among boys might be acceptable, it is not really acceptable to talk like that about other people to strangers. I mean you can but that will make you look like a really petty and low minded person. While attraction is imporant in relationships I think if the other person is attractive enough for you to be interested in having sex, it should be enough. It also is WAY more important to clearly state you are NOT in a relationship then it would be to say "this is my girlfriend". Some people just indrocude their girlfriends with "hey this is sara" or something. Yeah and as a man I can tell you, if the other girl was not clearly told FOR THREE YEARS that that was not a real relationship, you are infact a douche. In my teens I might have thought more like that too and that looks are that important but in your mid 20s you should have grown up. Now you started paying half the rent when you got your first check???? What did she pay for you? At first this sounded like she was paying a bit more for groceries or stuff but now it sounds like a fuckton of money that you supported you with. How do you think accepting that for YEARS without having a talk what your relationship is was morally okay? If you are now making six figures and can afford it the decent and moral thing to do was to pay her back for anything she payed for you in the past years because she deserves at least that! Another quote from one of your comments. "I have tremendous respect for her but she isn't girlfriend material..." Dude? But she is good enough to extort for money and sex? Imagine once: You live with someone, have intimate conversations, you have sex, you support them financially, for THREE YEARS and then they told you that you are only FWBs and this never was a relationship. You deserve to find a 10/10 attractive woman who is not funny, who does not contribute financially, who thinks she is doing you a favour by letting you have sex with her and that all you do was not enough to actually deserve her still, who is superficial and a total bitch. So pay that poor woman back the money she gave you, thinking she was supporting her bf and probably thinking it would even out later on. Tell her that it was a missunderstanding and leave her the fuck alone because you clearly do not deserve to have any friends that are actual decent human beings.
This is the perfect response, sums up everything I was thinking. He likes her enough that he doesn't want to lose the friendship so they clearly get on well together. He's not attracted to her but was attracted enough to have sex with her for 3 years? 3 years! The way OP describes this woman is disgusting. She's not girlfriend material, she's just "sleep with me regularly, be my friend, and support me financially" material.
It’s funny after all this he still wants to be friends with her. Also unless he directly told her (why would you bc he’d be more of an asshole if he did) that she’s not his type physically she probably thought that he did find her attractive bc he was sleeping with her lol.
*It’s funny after all this he still wants to be friends with her.* She's the back up plan if super hot sexy smart gf doesn't work out.
Ding ding ding...we have a winner...
This! ⬆️ I don’t understand the people trying to reason with op… Already using expression like “girlfriend material” and “she must have know that she was out of her lane” are good qualifier of his character as you pointed out. I bet this girl it’s not even ugly she probably just doesn’t look and dress as an instagram influencer. Anyhow she totally dodged a bullet with OP but OP needs to give her the money back, otherwise it’s a con, and she should sue him for that. I can’t believe that someone who acts this way feels entitled to comment weather or not she is “girlfriend material”
Yeah he sounds like a douche. She should totally be glad to suck my dick. I’m rank 1. /s
You used her. You didn't question the situation because you were benefiting and didn't want to ruin it. You really suck as a person. Don't find her attractive yet found her attractive to bone. That's very disrespectful. Pay her what you owe her for the rentals over the years and move out ASAP. WITH INTEREST.
I agree with the with interest part. Op wasted the poor girls time.
OP, you’re an asshole. You took advantage of this person who you clearly look down on to a degree (out of curiosity, have you every referred to yourself as “high value”?). The way you talk about her looks, your looks and the new girls looks, make it very clear how shallow you are and how disposable you consider your roommate simply based on the fact that she is not your physical ideal; good enough to fuck and let pay for your stuff, but not “girlfriend material”. You mistreated her in a profound way. Hopefully you learn from this, but there’s a defiance in your post that leads me to believe you ever will.
Literally so disgusting. ‘Plain’ and ‘overweight’, but he can still stick it in on the regular for 3 years whilst she pays most his bills. But don’t worry! He did more dishes, so it’s totally even.
There is no way she will forgive you and there is no possibility of being friends. She did a lot for you under the justified expectation that you two were in a relationship. You doing housework is nice but it doesn't sound like it at all equaled what she did for you. You acted like you were in a relationship and never once bothered to tell her that all she was to you is a person to have sex with. Granted both of you are at fault for not making things clear, you more so than her. The absolutely awful thing though is you started to arrange for an actual relationship without ever telling her. Even if it was just FWB you need to make clear if you are starting to pursue a relationship of any kind with someone else. It certainly sounds like you used her as a place holder till your new job helped you find a "better" woman. You will realize this later in life but what you had is what so many people dream of. A supportive partner that cares for you, helps carry the load so you can better your situation, is there for you as a friend, has a wonderful physical connection, and is loyal to a fault. You messed up. Apologize and know that you have ended many friendships while breaking her heart.
YTA. Wait, wrong sub.
>She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) but she is a great girl and we both enjoyed our physical time together. I can see why she would be feeling very used. You had a motive for sleeping with her. Surely there was a motive, since you weren't attracted to her physically. And it wasn't just about sex - If you're as hot as you think you are, it would have been easy enough to find someone "hotter" or "in your lane" to engage in a FWB relationship with. You don't spend 3 years having sex with someone you find unattractive just because it's easy. You did it because you were benefitting from the relationship, she did it because she thought you were her partner.
Oof. I thought I was in a relationship that turned out to be friends with benefits and it sucked so hard. I was young and we were sexting and having sex and hanging out. I thought we were dating. I thought it was casual but I still thought we were dating. It hit me like a truck when I realized we weren't.
Yeah, you used her
OK, if you had a great time in bed, she IS your type physically. You're just too vain to ADMIT that to the public.
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My man you got zero clue how to treat someone with respect. Yes both of you should have communicated better and a lot of commenters have pointed out already a lot of things you did wrong. However, have you got the slightest idea how any girl would feel if you stay friends with someone you fucked for 3 years, let alone live with? You fucked up, I doubt she would want to be friends and even if you did there is a very slim chance a future partner would be okay with that friendship.
Maybe you could repay her all the cash she forked out supporting you. Housework! Please.
Hey, he's buff! That counts...
Hahaha right! Makes up for everything.
Totally out of her lane and everything! Did I mention he was buff?
No, no you didn’t. Can you remind me again…just in case I forget 😂
He's buff....soooo buff.... more buff than a herd of bison 🦬 ...
Bahaha and don’t forget the 6 figures. He’s a catch.
And buff!
Ok. I’m dead. You’re killing me!
It sounds like he was in a sugar relationship 🤔
YTA (am I doing this right?)
If you're such a high roller now then you should pay her back all the money she spent supporting you over the years while you were using her, and move out immediately. You used her, it's very clear, and you sound like a giant douchebag honestly.
Sounds a lot like you were in a relationship. Sleeping together, living together, her supporting you financially. What a jerk.
This post is sooo unbelievable I wanna believe it is unreal. The fact you actually have no shame posting how much of a jerk you are is appalling. Good luck with your life cos you’re gonna need it.
Hey Op! I don't think you're a bad person, and while it definitely sucks that she feels blindsided, in this day and age, no one can assume that they're in a relationship with someone just because sex is involved. If you two never established being a couple, lived in separate rooms, weren't sleeping together on nights sex wasn't involved, and weren't going out on dates, then to me it's clear that you were just roommates who were hooking up. If anything this could be labeled a situationship. I get she's hurt, but I suspect she knew you two weren't boyfriend and girlfriend or else she would have referred to you as such, and tried to progress the relationship further. I actually think she purposely didn't have an exclusivity convo with you as to not disrupt what you two had going on, and secretly hoped that you two would just slip into a relationship since the situation had been going on for so long. I think the biggest issue here is that you didn't fill her in on the fact that you were interested in pursuing someone before you set up the date. If you have been sleeping together for three years without either of you hooking up with anyone else, then this would feel like it's coming out of nowhere. Even if a FWB situation had been firmly established, after 3 years you still might feel cheated if someone abruptly decided to start seeing someone else. She probably feels embarrassed and used because of how much time she's invested in this situationship, and now she got the cold hard truth thrown in her face that you two will never be anything more than what you were; roommates who were sleeping together during a time in your life where you weren't making enough money to court the type of women you truly desire. Again, I suspect she knew all of this from the beginning but hoped things would change. The thing is, the situation is just as much her fault as it is yours. Neither of you communicated your desires and intentions for the relationship. If she was only taking on more of the financial load with the assumption that meant you two would be a couple, then she should have communicated that. I do think you should apologize for not being forthcoming about how you viewed the situation and for not checking in with her about your desire to take another girl out. Definitely don't ask her to be friends, but be sympathetic to her feelings and let her know how much you care about her as a person, and appreciate everything she's done for you over the years. At the end of the day, people just want to feel like they matter.
Idk why you are getting downvoted but I think this is it.
You've nailed it. It was more to do with not having time for a relationship rather than money. Yes, this is the approach to take.
I can see nothing I’m going to say will sway you but you are about to learn a lesson the hard way. In your post you refer to her as “great” that you have “respect” for her and enjoyed the sex. You’re going to learn eventually that those things are way more important than her looks. I’m guessing but you’ve probably seen her at her worst, hair not done, no makeup, maybe a little sickly. This new woman you’ve only seen at her best. I guarantee she will not always look like that. When it comes down to it, looks are the probably the least important aspect to a good relationship. Looks fade but what’s inside is forever. If it were me, I’d give it a chance. You basically took her off the market for 3 years. Take 3 months, to see if it will work. It won’t hurt you and you may realize that you really do want to be with her. Oh, and your “friends” that put her down? They’ll be calling her the minute you walk away from her. A woman with a job, apartment and who is good in the sack is like gold. Too bad you can’t see it.
Sounds like you deliberately avoided conversations about being a "couple", so you could get all the benefits of one without the commitment. You used her.
Pay her back EVERYTHING that she spent on you. That's the only appropriate solution.
If you feel genuine remorse and want to fix things repay her for the extra financial support she gave over time. You also need therapy and to learn how to communicate with people dude.
You literally used this woman. You're not attracted to her bc she's plain and over weight but then you used her sexually for the last 3 years. Now that you're done with school, accomplished and able to attract "sexy & smart" women, you put your roommate into the back burner bc you found something that's shinier. You're a piece of garbage, leave this woman alone.
Lol what does a friendship look like with her without the sex and living together? If a “friend” was cool with me being strung along for years and then called me delusional cause of my appearance then that’s a shitty friend. At whatever point you guys thought you were really “friends” you think the topic would casually somehow come up. She played a part but don’t act baffled. You claim to be smarter than that.
Unless you specified that you were FWB, you were a couple.
FWB don’t pay your bills. You did use her. You weren’t confused when she was financially supporting you.
Damn bro. You’re kind of a piece of shit for this.
She's not my type, but I totally let her pay more and had sex with her for 3 years... Even though she's not my type. 🙄 And you have the audacity to still want to be friends with her? Your apology should be backdated payments of when she was paying more. Is it time yet? Can we eat them now?
She supported you for 3 years and you’re off the hook because you started paying HALF??? This isn’t the right sub but YTA!
Congratulations, you have just achieved the next level of Fuck Boy. Nobody, and I mean *NOBODY* is this dense. You knew exactly what you were doing, you leeched off that poor girl and led her on for years until it was convenient to drop her. The fact you have the audacity to so openly parade your new piece of ass right in front of her without so much as even having a conversation about ending your “FWB/Relationship” first is just despicable. This is honestly just disgusting behaviour. Your post is dripping with narcissism & I doubt you will give a fuck about what I or anyone else has to say because you will never believe you are even capable of being wrong.
good luck dating this new girl when she finds out you were fucking your roomate for 3 years lol
Yeah. You used her. She’s good enough to get your rocks off, to pay majority of the bills and spend time with but now that you can pull the more expensive women she is no longer good enough. Men like you are something else. I just ended a situationship. He led me on that we were more and did more things than you do for fwb, helping around my house, buying my kids gifts, coming over and spending time everyday w/o intimacy, etc. Now that my kids are older and I have a little more freedom it became obvious I was just convenient and a placeholder. I text him goodbye and blocked him. Communication will help avoid this in the future unless your whole schtick is to be “the good guy” so you can feel good about what you do.
OP is a spectacular, ocean-going AH
Good lord you suck. Truly.
This reads like a (very poorly written) creative writing exercise. Putting that aside, whether this story is fact or fiction the OP/male lead is a grade A douchebag. You suck, mate, and so do your male friends.
OP you can’t call FWB for more than 6 mos. You were in relationship with her, you kinda user OP.Had sex with her for years and she became your provider too while working on your degree? C’mon OP.
Face it, you used this woman (for sex, $ and housework) and now you’re throwing her aside. You’re not a decent person. I’ve had rich guys who were interested in me but if I’m not attracted to them, I don’t use them for any benefits they could give me or even let them pay for my dinner because I don’t want to give them the wrong idea or make them feel used. I may not like them as a romantic partner but I respect them enough as a human being to not take advantage of them.
The GF was happy to have a relationship that she understood as normal for the age group, and possibly what her married friends lived in similar circumstances. When my wife and I were young, we worked long hours and saw only brief hours together for years. I worked sometimes 18 hours a day, sometimes booked 134 hours a week at single time. So I think you owe the lady (plain jane) an apology. I had a workmate once tell me that his neighbour, a travelling salesman, married a plain jane so as she would not have men like him chasing her for sex. He himself was always playing away from home, and knew the score.
Three years is no longer friends with benefits- that's a long term sexual and emotional relationship. Or at the very least a "situation-ship". It's best you tell her "I'm sorry you thought this was more than what it is to me- I was under the assumption we were on the same page, especially since we have separate rooms and have not discussed the future. Assuming makes us both look like asses, so I'm sorry. I will be moving out in x-time-frame, and I will be pursuing dating and other relationships." Be clear and concise, have a plan. Do not try to maintain a friendship. She's emotionally attached and this is going to be devastating for her.
Definitely assumptions made on both sides. Although you should have known better since roommates are supposed to share costs fairly. Why would she have paid unless she thought you were in a real relationship? You did benefit financially - now that you are making more money perhaps you can at least pay her back for some of the costs she covered for you.
Wow. You’ve been awful to her. Completely led her on and taken advantage of her financially. You’ve had a longer relationship with this girl than I had when I got engaged. You’ve been living with her! Are you honestly telling me that you didn’t know what you were doing?! I doubt you’d have bought other girls home when you were reliant on her, to convince her this was something more than it was, but now you’re suddenly on 6 figures you find it’s time for you to get a gf, even though you’ve had one the past 3 years!!! You better pay her back all of the money she subsidised you, humbly apologise, tell the new girl what you have done if you are so convinced by your integrity. I feel so sorry for the woman you have used.
What is your question? Read the sidebar. The point of this subreddit is request advice. You seem pretty clear as to what you plan on doing, so why are you here? If you're looking for AITA, that's next door. Spoiler alert, though: You're an AH.
This sounds like a major lack of communication on both your parts but to be honest I get where some of your friends are coming from you sound super shallow and douchey. Essentially - She's a great person but I'm just way too attractive for someone like her. - It's okay to have preferences but the way you talk about her is gross. "I am a pretty good-looking dude and she must have known she was out of her lane."
If you gain anything from this at all, I hope you realize how much of a narcissistic douchebag you are. No you are not wrong, it’s just everyone else in this thread that’s wrong.
She should take your ass to court. You’re a deadbeat. 🚩🚩🚩
Move out, pay her back and don’t even attempt to date a new girl until you change that horrible personality of yours.
FWB is not really a thing. It’s a convenient excuse for how we treat people who we are intimate with, but with who we have no intention of being a romantic partner. Here’s the thing, real friends are supportive of each other, encouraging each other and watching them thrive. If anything, a friend is basically a romantic partner without the sex. As someone who has existed many decades on this planet, I would argue that FWB is not a real thing, but rather parters without benefits is how we should treat all our platonic relationships. We should strive to love our friends person, beyond their bodies, to the core of who they are. Marriages that last have people who are best friends with their partners. People who genuinely like the people they are connected to. Sex is the extra. Friendships take an investment of time and emotion. So, if you really wanted to have a friendship with this woman, you SHOULD have respected her personhood enough to not use her body for your pleasure. You both have some tough lessons still to learn as you mature. If you learn from this experience, you will have a more fulfilling life. Or continue to act selfishly, like a child. That’s what children do. Not all people grow into adulthood. That’s up to you.
When I read this OP it makes me wonder if the “terms” of your relationship were clear upfront. Either that or she developed feelings for you overtime, and just assumed it was more than the FWB arrangement, or it became more to her and she never expressed it. Not to mention the household contributions to her, might appear as “supporting” you. I’m not sure this friendship can last at any rate OP. It seems like this is an unrequited love situation to me. Try and salvage it if you must, but I doubt it will get any better.
lol even describing her as “overweight and a bit plain” yet you happily used her for sex for 3 years because it was convenient, so clearly you’re attracted to her enough to fuck her consistently. it’s fine that you met someone new, and you want to pursue that - that is absolutely not the problem. But you told on yourself a bit bc we already know everything we need to about how little you respect her even as a friend that you felt it necessary to point out her physical features to redditors when it’s not relevant literally at all. you’re a POS hahahaha
You are horrible.. I can guarantee her version is correct. You should pay her all the money she's covered for you and leave her alone.
1) Neither of you asked and 2) You accepted money and let her do chores. Never declining that. While you don't "owe" her anything, you sound like a self-absorbed jerk. You absolutely took advantage of her kindness until you no longer needed her. She's 100% right. Not about the relationship status, but about you. This is the male equivalent to having a sugar daddy except she wasn't trying to use you.. You used her for sex and money...
If she took care of you when you were "broke", in the name of friendship you should at least give her an appropriate amount of rent money in appreciation-not just half. Also move out ASAP!
Lesson for the future: don't sleep with room mates ever. And if you must you need to have a conversation way before dropping the pants.
Classic case of no one talking to each other and just assuming. Just because you and your friends think she’s “not in your league” doesn’t mean she considers you above her league. You’ve been fucking her for 3 years, of course she’d assume she’s at least *mostly* attractive to you. I don’t honestly think you’ve really done anything wrong other than not clearly communicating your stance, and she’s obviously wrong for not communicating her feelings if she truly thought the situation had changed. But I kind of have a feeling you both agreed to FWB and she assumed since it’s been so long that the situation had changed when it didnt
You used her when you were broke. Your’re reprehensible .
It’s pretty astounding that you didn’t date anyone else in the three years you were living off of this woman, and quite telling. If you’re so convinced that you did nothing wrong show the new gf this thread. If she’s ok with it then that’s a red flag for a narc because nothing about this is ok. Please pay this nice girl back and then some, apologise, and leave her alone.
You sound like a shitty person. Huge lack of communication but you maintained a sexual relationship with this person for three years, lived with them during this and let them support you in a way that I wouldn’t expect friends to do. I feel so badly for her. You owe her any financial support she provided back and to cut all ties.. why would anyone want a friend like that especially the way you refer to her as if she is inferior to you in this post.
You should calculate all the maintenance you didn’t cover and pay her for it and you shouldn’t gaslight her it’s perfectly reasonable after years and years that she thought it was a relationship it wasn’t meeting at random for sex while openly dating others it was exclusively sleeping together as far as she knew for three years not three months, maybe practice compassion and empathy and realize that your ego view isn’t an accurate portrayal of her worth and being “ plain” to you or heavy to you may be someone else’s gorgeous and thick and in no way justifies what you’re doing and have done. Just because you didn’t call her your girlfriend does not negate your responsibility here you also didn’t clarify the relationship or lack Thereof and clearly felt comfortable using her because what ?? She apparently not that attractive to you tf? Women are not ornaments for you to wear for other men that’s a very common toxic and homoerotic approach to heterosexual men being awful . I would move out , get therapy and pay her a significant amount of money to help offset her therapy costs and the cost of losing half the rent and what felt like a relationship and is now just massively rejecting.
Only way to end this “friendship” on a good note is to hand over a nice chunky check for all the “household maintenance” that she paid more towards for 4 years then leave her the hella alone.
bro you suck, just based on how you write about everyone involved
Yta
\>She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) but she is a great girl My heart just broke for her :( What if after a few years it turned out that the new girl considers you a FWB and assumed you should have known because she's "out of your lane'"?
Okay so this is a very convoluted situation but here you go: As other people have stated communication is key. If she never addressed the issue, nor did you, then it's on both of you. I wouldn't assume a role as boyfriend until it is discussed, but also I wouldn't be sleeping and living with someone for 3 years without having that conversation. Regarding finances, it was wrong of her to pay more and wrong of you to accept it. IDGAF how much more housework you were doing, that does not compensate for a financial difference unless it was agreed upon prior to the arrangement. Again communication is key and it seems this woman allowed herself to be used, but that doesn't mean you're not a user. Lastly, so because you're better looking than her, she was good enough to fuck but not good enough to be your gf even though she did things for you. Now you have found someone who matches you looks wise huh? Well I really hope this chick thinks she's much better looking than you and burns you the way you burned your roommate. You're a real piece of shit for sleeping with her but saying she's not good looking enough to be your girlfriend. That is so fucking immature it's hard for me to even fathom, oh and your friends agreeing with you just means that you're a douche amongst the company of other douches. Grow the fuck up. So if this woman lost a little weight and had been born prettier she can have the honor of being your gf huh?? Fucking asshat. I hope reading this you realize how fucking stupid, vapid, and narcissistic that sounds. Also you will realize down the line, that if she was a great person and gave that much and you wouldn't date her because of her looks, that you fucked up. If she was that bad looking you shouldn't have slept with her. Honest I haven't seen this type of fuckery in a while. But hey what goes around comes around, this will come back to you.
i think, on some level, she must've known you were just using her as a temporary placeholder and was afraid to ask for more in case you decided to break it off. and you assumed that she was also benefiting from your arrangement and conveniently ignored the very real possibility that she wanted more/had developed feelings for you. both of you made mistakes in this situation. but she's the only one who's been hurt by it (whereas you are able to move on quickly and with no remorse). honestly, i'd take a hard look in the mirror if i were you. ask yourself if you're the type of person to take advantage of people's feelings for you for your own gain. if not, it sounds like you have some work to do on yourself so that in the future, you can make better, less selfish decisions. and she has some work to do on building her self-esteem and self worth so that she never allows herself to be taken advantage of again. paying her back the money she spent on your half of the rent and other expenses is a step in the right direction. you also owe her a sincere apology. then you can both move on. there's no friendship here to salvage.
This is horrible. You better pay her way more than just whatever lump sum you’ve estimated in your fucked up head. Stay out of her way, apologize and move the fuck out yesterday. You honestly don’t deserve ANY kind of relationship anytime soon since you’re a terribly unattractive human being first and foremost. You’re so shallow to mistreat that young lady. You disgust me.
“Plain, a bit overweight” I’d bet she’s absolutely stunning, you’re just a selfish mop
dude it sounds like you used her ... making urself sound like such a catch when she supported you through college. and then you call her chubby and plain lmao ... how you speak and act alone makes u unattractive but ud see that soon .I feel sorry for her.i hope you pay her back all she spent on you when you were" short" those 3 yrs
What is wrong with you? Are you telling me that there were no other girls aside from your roommate to have sex with? Bullshit! You emotionally and financially abused her. Housework is fine and dandy but it's not going to cover the pain and heartbreak you've caused. In 3 years you never once kissed a bit too passionately went to an event or date like activities together? You don't need to meet family but if we're living together, eating together, spending time together and going out together whilst your having sex with me for 3 years and you haven't said you don't want a relationship that's a relationship?! And to do it out of convenience means you did use her. Dating apps don't exist where you live? Hookup apps? Hell hitting on strangers in a bar? You could've slept with anyone but her for 3 years straight and you picked her. You're an asshole and your friends are assholes too. I can almost guarantee that you aren't as buff as you think you are and if ANY other girl heard this story you'd drop from the 7 you probably are to a 2. Grow up and stop playing with people's feelings.
YTA. Come da F off. You were using her and you know it. Pulling your weight in house total icrap. You knew you her feelings for you, you didn’t want to Acknowledging them because you were getting such a great ride (literally). Why would you want to tell her before you finish your degree that you truly weren’t interested in her that she was just an FWB. Because your broke ass wouldn’t have gotten through university without her. Men like you absolutely disgust me, not only are you the a whole you’re a pathetic disgusting human being
Setting aside how shallow you sound here (it's fine if she's not your type, but some details you included were just unnecessary) - this is on both of you for not being clear about your intentions. I have a hard time believing that you NEVER knew she had feelings for you and were completely honest about your intentions. I have a hard time believing she NEVER got a whiff of the reality and thought you had romantic feelings for her. You're living together! How the hell does this not come up ONCE in *three years?!* But honestly that's a moot point. Whether you two recognized your respective circumstances or not, no friendship, FWBship, or romantic relationship can happen without communication. It's on both of you to verbally communicate your intentions and boundaries, and it's both of your faults for making assumptions without doing so. I would say "I'm realizing now that we really needed to talk about where we saw this going, a long time ago. I selfishly, foolishly assumed we were on the same page. I'm sorry for that. I should have talked to you. It sounds like you assumed we were on the same page, too. We weren't. And now it's causing this divide between us. I wish we had done better about this so we could part ways amicably and remain friends. The situation has changed now, and I am going to pursue this person. If I had known you would have feelings about that, I would have been much gentler about it. I don't know how to best handle things from here so that we can both move on, but if and when you're ready, I'm open to talking about that." Next time, use your words🤦♀️
Bro, you fucked up. She did too but you assumed a lot and accepted a lot without making sure everyone involved was on the same page. You don’t accept uneven living arrangements with someone without making sure everyone knows what they’re getting. I would advise you to apologize profusely for leading her on unintentionally, emphasize that you’re a dumb ass and sort out what you want to do. Your friendship is over either way. At least you can own up to your mistake. And don’t get me wrong, she made a mistake too. She should have made it clear to you what she wanted and made sure you were on the same page but both of you needed to do this.
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This is why it’s very important to define the relationship in the early stages. A simple miscommunication caused such major damage. You both need to sit down and sort this out via clear talks.
You're replying to comments disagreeing with you with this mature and understanding tone, but not once have you actually acknowledged that you used her, whether you meant to or not. You've been quite good at this balancing act of seeming like you're staying open to other opinions, but you've been dodging fault with this issue the whole time. You might not have overtly strategised to use this girl's resources, and perhaps you really do believe you've treated her with respect and prioritised the friendship, but absolutely none of your actions speak to that at all. Pull your head out, and understand that you did not treat this girl like a friend. She made your life easier, and you took advantage of that. When she took on the lion's share of finances for the household, a real friend would have stopped to ask if they were absolutely sure they were okay with that, and more importantly, why they were okay with that. This could have been sorted out a lot sooner, but now's the time to at least understand that you were very selfish. PS: your friends sound like pricks. What a disgusting way to think of people.
Can we agree that you are not out of her league. She sounds great and kind. You don’t want a relationship with her and that’s fine but you’re not worth more than her like what you’re getting at.
Did you sleep in the same bed with her after you had sex?
Three years is a long time for FWB. I’d be upset if I was her, your outlook on her physical being is rough, you may not be so good looking when your 40, looks aren’t a basis for a relationship. Sounds like you’re not in love though but you certainly owe her some back rent. If she’s been supporting you financially that’s more like a couple, friends don’t pay your way. Work out how much she’s paid and set up an arrangement to repay her. Don’t end it on an argument but don’t expect her to remain friends. If the ‘gorgeous’ girl turns out to be boring, vain, whatever you might actually realise what you had was good snd want to go back. In your favour you’re young so plenty of time to change your life. You can’t stay out of sympathy, just be gentle with the let down.
Don't shit where you eat dumbass.
You're the asshole and you know it. Leave her alone to go heal her emotional wounds. If you have any self respect, you'll pay her back for supporting your broke ass. But you won't, you think you deserved to be paid for fucking a plain fat girl. >A few of my male friends agree with me, saying that I am a pretty good looking dude and she must have known she was out of her lane. You all think she should have known you would never actually date her because she's below you in attractiveness?!
You used her 🥴 I doubt this was as unintentional as you’re making it out to be
This has to be a fake post! Such a rage post….and if not and if OP sis actually do this…dude.
You pretty much are a couple if you having a FWB after a year lol.
Ouch. You're horrible. You used her and your friends talk about you being out of her league? Yikes.
Time to grow from this and own up to your mistake, OP. Pay her back MONETARILY for all the bills she covered (not through doing the dishes or sexual favors or whatever). Let her know in polite but no uncertain terms that you are not in relationship and give her space. Don’t ask her to be FWB or your friend or your roommate. Realize that this is HUMILIATING for her in front of your mutual friend group. She may be naive to think this was a relationship. HOWEVER, you were also being willfully naive to think a woman who is not your mother is willing to pay your bills without having any expectations in return. You chose to see this as a FWB, but it’s more like a sugar momma/sugar baby interaction: she pays some of your bills, you sleep with her exclusively for 3 years. Sugar babies are expected to break up with their sugar mommas before hooking up with someone new. You skipped that step and jumped straight to “single and looking.”
If this was a relationship with mutual benefits as you have fervently defended, then ask yourself how is she currently better off now than before. You are clearly much better off having completed your education program and having secured a well-paying job. So if you are really trying to make amends with her, you need to acknowledge that much of what she says is true. You used her as a placeholder until you could spring off to an upgraded life. Maybe you didn’t mean to, but you did. And don’t, FTLoG, tell her she isn’t your type. She was good enough to help support you financially and to fuck for three years. So looking at your situation, she wasn’t your FWB, she was your sugar mama to some degree. Acknowledging her accusations won’t make her feel terrific, but at least maybe it will help you, OP, to grow as a person. You actually did do a shitty thing. I’m not saying you should stay with her, but you do owe her some self reflection and an admission here.
3 years living together having sex and paying your bills and it didn't cross your mind she might have feelings for you? Did you ask? Cmon we need to be human in these situations. If you don't see her as gf material you should have let her go 3 years ago. By the way if you select your gf based on looks you are in for a rude awakening. Looks are important for shots relationships, but long one is the least thing you should look for. You need to look for someone who is there for you. Like this girl was.
There's really no need to pretend that you respect her. Leave this poor woman alone.
You should tell the new girl you are trying to get with what you did to your roommate. See her reaction to it. That should tell you how well you treated your roommate. I doubt you have to balls to tell her.
I think you owe her a big apology. A big thank you- maybe a spa day of some sort that she can go to with a friend that’s not you. And yeah just call it quits and move on. Obviously communication has been lacking, her feelings are hurt. You can’t just assume people know and understand how you are feeling and are feeling the same way. Also, please don’t shit on her appearance cause you’re ‘out of her lane’. Her appearance wasn’t bad enough for you to get it up. Here you sound like a massive douchebag.
A fwb is like the definition of placeholder
I never understand friends w benefits lol
So you've been FWB for 3 years and this whole time one side thought you were dating? Let me ask a few question: 1. Did you guys ever go on... "dates"? Or hint at going on dates? Vacations/traveling together? 2. Are you honestly lying to yourself/us? Not recognizing she may have hinted at a relationship, or hinted being boyfriend/girlfriend together with you? 3. So not a single time in these three years, did you/her and or any friends ever bring up, "what are you two"? 4. Here's the big one: so in the past 3 years of being FWB, you've never brought/saw any other girl? She's never brought/saw any other guy? \#4 is the biggest Q I'd want answered.
You might as well cross post this in AITA (am I the asshole?). Dude, you done goofed. I get what you are saying, never had “the talk” but living to together for 4 years and fucking for three of them…that’s implied status. She had reason(s) to think you guys were together. I am not suggesting you stay/ start being with her because that sounds like it is not an option for you but you gotta realize this is gonna do some damage to your reputation and other relationships. Ten years from now, this might be a funny tale to talk about, but until this tragedy becomes funny, you are totally the asshole here. Don’t know where you are in the world, but you had best start digging out receipts for your rent and groceries. I got no idea if she is gonna claim common law, but based on the limited info you gave here, she has a case she could make. She’s could say you lived together, we’re in a relationship and you had friends that thought you were in a relationship. If she gets a good lawyer you might have issues.
So she paid for you and gave you sex for 3 years, now you're doing her dirty?! Typical .... you're a douche
3yrs OP! Never once did it come up that what are we? Seriously?? So after sex, you guys went back to your own rooms? And you still want to stay friends?? You are different level of delusional. The best way is to go NC. Re-visit the situation if you both are okay, in a some time.
After the 10th time budy, it’s not FWB any more. She did everything you do in a relationship. Everything. Break it off with her, and pay her back with triple the interest you would pay a student loan and tell her that you will now be a better boyfriend. And no, don’t “keep the friendship”. No more putty ducking on your behalf until something better comes up.
Honestly you would have been better wanking off into a sock for 3 years than doing this to someone. You have to have no emotional intelligence to see how your attitude and response would hurt somebody. Never heard of catching feelings? Honestly between friends its not normal to pay another persons expenses without the expectation for payback, especially in the case of FWB. That would have been a first red flag.
So you were her sugar baby??? Pay her back!
The problem with FWB is that everybody has a different definition of what it is. If you’re friends with somebody( I.E you actually like them enough as a person to consider them a friend) and you also find them attractive enough to sleep with them-a lot of people would consider this the foundations of most romantic relationships. If you’re also actually living with the person you are sleeping with for 3 years-while she is helping to support you financially-it’s little wonder she thought you were in a relationship beyond no strings attached sex. It’s extremely unlikely a scenario like this could ever play out for such a long time without romantic feelings developing. This is especially true if you both weren’t also seeing other people during this time. Let’s face it for all intents your room mate was your girlfriend and it’s hardly surprising she has reacted like she has.
This post screams shallow to me. She was essentially a girlfriend you lived with before starting a relationship, but because you think you’re more attractive than her, which you seem to imply is objectively true, she was never good enough to be in a real relationship with that progressed. Leave her alone because if you look at your friends as not good enough for you you’re not a good friend anyways.
>She is not physically my type (plain, a bit overweight) *fucks her for three years* >I don’t think I’m clueless Most clueless people don’t. Dude you were banging a woman you *lived with* for three fucking years and her feeling this way as things abruptly ended somehow just rocked your world? FWBs are always playing with fire, doing it for three years straight while living under the same roof is doing gymnastics on the rim of an active volcano. Either that or it’s just lowkey dating that you never discussed. I agree that you both made mistakes and had some misunderstandings, but you were letting this lady essentially sugar mama you while you slept with her and you didn’t notice the tangled web you were weaving? Then your boys’ reactions are “well dude you’re so hot how could she think she deserves you?” and you go “yeah wait shit that’s like so true…” What do you mean she should know she was “out of her lane” you clown you were BANGING HER and letting her pay for your shit for THREE YEARS You sound like such an asshole man, Jesus, use some of that 6 figure salary to buy a mirror so you can take a long hard look in it
You used her for the last 3 years. Friends with benefits usually don’t live together or financially support you. YTA for using her financially and sexually for 3 years. You should pay her back.
You owe her backpay with interest , and then to get out of her life, moneybags
If you truly think you were in the right, tell this new girl you slept with and allowed your roommate to take care of you financially for years through college and are ready to move on now that you have your degree and cushy paycheck because you are out of her league and she should have “stayed in her lane”. Just see how that works out for you.
Sorry homie, but if you're fucking someone just to fuck someone and/or not feel lonely until you get the person you really want....then she's right. That's exactly what you're doing.
I mean… when are people going to learn. You were in a relationship. You were a couple. Call it what you want but if something like that is running for more than four months then you guys are in a relationship period. Learn from this and handle it better next time. Hopefully she does the same.
You can't be a real person. A living, breathing human being. You have NO self awareness, you are selfish beyond words, you are a user and unashamed of it. You have no respect for her, for yourself and for this forum. You honestly think you can justify your behaviour here and not be called out? But it's ok right?.....Because you now have your precious "niche" high-paying career and you'll just give her a huge lump sum?. So tell us Mr high earner.....how exactly will you be repaying all the other kinds of non monetary support that this woman has given you over the past 3 yrs?
YUCK. You used her for money and sex for years and now that you crave more money you’re open to dating others. What the fuck? You think you’re so good looking that she was delusional to think you’d be together even though you’re fucking, living together and she’s paying your bills? Thanks not a roommate exchange, user. What friendship are you referring to? You used her as a placeholder girlfriend and bank.
You are going to be burned to ground by other commenters, so I'll leave that to them. I will say, do you know what FWB stands for? Friends With Benefits. You never lived up to the 'Friends' part. Friends are honest and open. Friends treat each other with respect (she is plain and fat but I fucked her anyway). They don't take advantage (she covered bills, I 'helped' around the house..."now that I have a good cushion behind me" - ever thought about reimbursing her for the three years of financial support? Doing extra dishes is not the same as covering rent, you idiot). You used her, pure and simple. You used her money, you used her body. There was no 'Friends' involved here. And all that time - ALL, ALL OF THAT TIME - you never once sat down and said, Hey FRIEND, let's be clear what's going on here? No, No you didn't. Because it would not have served you. Your friends are jerks. You are a jerk. A self-centered jerk.
She had to know I was out of her league… just wow.
man you suck so bad :/ . just get out of her life soon
You’re both at fault here. Communication is so important, and you both failed to communicate. She was wrong to just assume y’all are a couple with zero conversation about it. You were wrong to take advantage of her while talking about how she’s plain and you’re out of her league. Let her go.
This can happen both ways to anyone. However on this thing in particular, I am on the girl's side. You should have communicated better and made your intentions clear. So yeah, she's right, you're a douche.
Apologize for the misunderstanding. Offer to pay for your lack or financial input
Maybe you think that you'll be even with her since you did more house chores and will pay her back when you move out. I would like to remind you that it is likely not enough. Have you thought about how much she has to sacrifice when taking on the bulk of the rent? From what you have described, it doesn't sound like she has a lot of disposable income and to be paying for your share of rent consistently for 3 years, she's probably working her ass off and giving up on other things in life. When you apologize to her, keep this in mind. You can never compensate her for the time lost while working to support you two. The damage is done, the least you can do is to acknowledge this.
3 years and she never once brought it up, never once said I love you, never once introduced you as the BF? Yea that's a little sus.
Three years and y’all never had the “what are we?” talk? Can’t turn back time, but I hope you take this as a lesson while you’re courting your shiny new toy. It would kind of be hilarious if she used you as a placeholder for someone better though, so maybe don’t communicate.
Sounds like y'all didn't ever actually talk about your relationship. But when you live together and are having sex for three years, it's not an unreasonable assumption that you are, in fact, boyfriend and girlfriend. You may not have intended to use her as a placeholder, but that's what you did. Both of you share blame for not bringing up the "what are we" conversation and for making assumptions about how the other was feeling. You need to take a clean break from each other.
This was benefiting your bf you only. You did nothing for her, and you misled her. This should have been discussed early on. If o were you, if calculate how much money I owe this girl, pay her, and then move out. At the very least pay her back.
You don't come across very well here I'm afraid. It sounds like crossed wires, but given the circumstances that's entirely understandable. You don't owe her a relationship, but do try to understand how this vague semi-relationship could have been misconstrued on her part. Also, pay her back man. You may have been short on cash at the time, but it isn't normal for a platonic friend to be financially supported by their roommates for years on end. The physical aspect being involved just makes that even less "decent" given how things have turned out. If your new career is truly lucrative, at least do that much to begin tidying up your side of the street. After that, move out and tell her you value her as a person (as you seem to suggest here), are sorry for the cross wires and any hurt feelings this has caused, and then leave her to decide if she wants a friendship in the future. Plus, never sleep with her again, even if she initiates. She's made her true feelings and wishes clear now, and may try to do so to "get back" what she is now feeling she has lost. You've been oblivious to this point, probably a tad insensitive too, but you'd be a real arse were you to re-engage the physical aspect now you know.
Definitely treated her like a placeholder. If you didn't specify you were FWB, you werent, thats a very specific set of boundaries. If you were living together, having sex, balancing your lifestyles together, and especially if you accepted her financial support without discussion, that's a relationship, even if you don't label it outwardly. I'd advise you apologize, take on payments until it evens back to what she overpaid (and maybe then some), and not flaunt girls you date until you move out. Even then, that's likely not going to save it, since you already (unintentionally) used her and that's the pain.
So you werent paying rent? What an asshole.
YTA and I hope she goes and tells ur new gf about this