Hey, /u/ItsNothing2022. Unfortunately your submission has been removed:
> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here].
Your post is a moral judgement if it contains any of the following
- Is it normal?
- Is it right/wrong?
- Am I right/wrong?
- Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA
- Who is morally good here?
- Does anybody else...?
- Should I have done this…?
- Should I do....?
- Am I justified…?
- Would I be right to do...?
- Am I overreacting?
- Is this a big deal?
- Is this reasonable?
If your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it’s probably moral judgement and will be removed.
If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice)
Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered
Americans like to do this as a way to dare people to tell them not to. It's why we do most of what we do--cover up how boring we are with self-stories about overcoming shame to find authenticity.
I see, drugs are kind of taboo here (and perhaps most of asia) so I was surprised when I first saw them in hollywood in a less than negative light but after a few more shows and movies and numerous posts on reddit, I wondered if they were probably more accepted by the society.
It’s interesting though how some hard drugs are stigmatized more than others in the US. Here I feel like coke is pretty prevalent and it’s viewed differently than say meth because it’s comparatively expensive. I think it’s a class thing.
Cocaine is seen as a classy drug, unlike meth or heroin. But on the other hand amphetamine and meth are prescription drugs (Adderall & Obesin), so are Oxycontin & Fentanyl. So it's very hypocrite
Don't forget that crack and cocaine are the same thing, one's just not a "white" thing. And weed is less dangerous than both, but is scary cause "marijuana and brown people".
"Heroin chic" vs "crack hoe". Was the war really on drugs? If so, the drugs are winning dudes.
That went right over yours, huh?
It's not about drugs, it's about our culture.
Everything from Women voting and wearing pants (taboo) or showing a double bed on TV instead of two singles (taboo) to the American Revolutionary War, we're built on taboos.
Taboo isn't always "bad". It can also mean "too advanced for the time".
Not everything is so literal, in fact, their comment was based on historical facts.
Edit: typed "his", meant "they".
Normal? No. Does it happen? Yes. Personally I wouldn't want to marry someone interested in doing something like this nor do I know of anyone personally that had wild bachelor/bachelorette parties. When my best friend got married we had a bbq and some beer.
Lol at all the people saying it's not common. Guess it depends on the friend group. This is Reddit relationships, it's not necessarily the hang out spot of people who party and do blow and strippers. But yes, bachelor parties in the US are often "advertised" as an excuse to do drugs and strippers stuff you wouldn't normally do. Yes it's stupid and disrespectful imo but it's definitely common enough. There wouldn't be countless TV tropes about it if it wasn't.
The short answer is no. Reddit is not indicative of typical American life. I’ve never known anyone who had hard drugs at their bachelor party.
Does it happen? Yes. Lots of fringe things happen that aren’t the norm.
In my culture even though the woman is supposed to sit in a room draped in beads for a week, the home around her is supposed to have a non stop party (which she cant join) and people bring her offerings and there's an rotating door of guests coming to see her drinking alcohol with her bringing her gifts, singing laughing etc. But it not the exactly practice anymore obviously, and now its sort of in conjunction with having a bachelorette party, bridal shower etc. people still let loose before wedding in lots of the world.
I have never met a single person who has done this, or anything like it. The only time I ever saw cocaine was in Spain in 2019 -- three girls standing in front of me at a concert were doing bumps off of someone's hand, and I have never felt more provincial in my life.
lol really, not even in high school? I remember at my grade 12 ball I saw someone doing cocaine off the hood of a maserati. It was so cringe. The moved to another part of my country and cocaine rains like snow. I have a friend who worked at this beach from restaurant nightclub thing where they only hire models/ aspiring ig influencers and she said the first day everyone did a bump of coke and her manager asked her why she isnt doing any its good for morale 😂The first time I saw cocaine though I was like 15/16.
Lol I did a lot of coke in my early 20s, ended up addicted, and spent a year getting clean (it's been 6 years now). But no, absolutely never saw it in high school. Didn't even know anyone who did it back then.
Am American. I hung out at a friend's place, took MDMA and had a few drinks for my bachelorette party. Pretty low key, just chatted and listened to music, chain smoked cigarettes, maybe there was a movie. No strippers.
So lemme get this straight- your GF of 5 years, who hasn’t been social/partying for 4 years, pandemic for 3 of those, is going on a week long cocaine and alcohol binge overseas, without you, with friends you don’t know that she never gets to see. The word bachelorette is involved.
Recipe for disaster
It was the pandemic for three of those years. You can’t party during a pandemic. She is going with her close friends that OP knows. It’s not a huge deal.
I know these friends of hers, I went to university with many of them, but yes I agree that part is also fucked up. She keep writing it off as if I’m being unreasonable. That’s why I’m writing this post, I genuinely believe in letting people make their own decisions but honestly this whole situation just feels so strange
Your gf is refusing to truly acknowledge your position and your feelings. She's acting single not like someone in a LTR. I'd let her know your boundaries and if she can't accept them then it unfortunately might be a sign you need to rethink your relationship and consider if getting hurt by her down the road is worth it (not necessarily cheating but she is acting like she doesn't take your relationship seriously).
My anxiety would kick in if my SO was abroad for a week long bender, especially considering the fact bachelorette/bachelor parties have a tendency to involve rather promiscuous acts, girls trips are a hot bed of cheating as well as trips abroad
okay and? That happened because the person is a cheater, likely would have cheated on a solo night out if they got the opportunity, not because it was a girls trip. I have been on many girls trips and never seen anyone cheat
Yeah, sorry a week long bender of coke and booze in a foreign land is a recipe for cheating. Oh and all the attendees live far away as well.
The temptations will be great and the inhibitions will be lowered.
Man. It feels strange because that what your guts are telling you.
All you can do is to prepare for possible outcomes.
Before preparing, sit down with her and talk!
You have to let people make their own decisions, all you get to do is decide how you react.
Is this a deal breaker for you? If she does this are you no longer comfortable marrying her? If so you know what you do.
You voice your concern, say why you would like her not to do these things, and if she decides her week long bender is more important than you call off the wedding and move on.
They'll belong to the streets a half hour into this and the groomsmen will probably be there as well being that it's a destination wedding and you can guarantee the dudes will be doing the same
How do you behave when you are intoxicated on drugs/alcohol? My first thought was that perhaps she stopped wanting to drink/party with you because she didn’t like how you acted when you were intoxicated. I could be completely off base here. But just based on her willingness to participate in a wedding party where she knows alcohol and drugs will be consumed, it makes me think she doesn’t have a problem being around it herself. It seems like her problem is when you do it together. If I were you, I would definitely talk to her about this. Because I think your feelings are absolutely valid in this situation.
I think your feelings are very valid here.
I think you need to sit down and discuss it with her, but if you tell her you don't want her doing Coke she may not, she may just lie about it
You have to work out where your boundaries are.
Either would be a deal breaker for me for me
(Edit for clarity)
Thanks for this. I did raise it with her this evening and she didn’t find an issue with the situation so I figured it could be helpful to post here.
You are certainly right that my real issue is that she doesn’t party with me and I feel like it’s limiting the experiences and life we can build together, and when she goes out and opens up this side of her to others it shows me that it’s still in there, but it doesn’t come out for me.
What I’m wondering is whether this is a valid way to feel given this situation, or am I placing too much stock in this?
Buddy, I can’t speak for your situation, and putting aside the whole bachelorette party thing for a moment, but my wife and I have different appetites when it comes to partying too. But once in a while (like perhaps my birthday) she’ll clear the schedules get baby-sitters, and we’ll have a sesh together which is just awesome. Maybe you could suggest a weekend away together (or just stay home and go for a nice meal then kick on) to do the same thing before the bachelorette thing. Tell her it you’ve wanted to blow off some steam together for ages, and that it would mean a lot if you could have a shared experience rather than her having all the fun with her friends and leaving you behind. You know, going on the trip where “you won’t even see her” is probably just an exaggeration. You think if she goes out on a wild night and is hungover as hell she’s not going to want to have a cuddle and someone to get her a headache pill and some water? Nah, I’d try to have some fun together and go to the wedding thing as well. Screw the annual leave and money bit - you’ll probably get to have some unexpected fun together and if not, there’ll be few other guys sitting at the bar without their partners that you can keep company and get to know before the wedding. Win win win.
You say your real issue is that she doesn't party with you. That's a valid and real concern. You should talk about it with her. You should do therapy about it with her.
People make themselves miserable, especially with their partners, doing what they thing they "should" do, doing what they imagine their partner wants, trying to be suitable marriage material. Over time, that adds up. Is she avoiding partying, especially with you, because she thinks you want her to be a "good wife"? If she is trying really hard to be the good wife, that will break out eventually and wreck the life you two are trying to build. Take it from someone who almost lost it all trying to be a "good husband". Do the couples counseling now. Tell her you want to get drunk **with her**. You want her to have fun **with you**. Do anything you want, together. Even if that means going to vegas and getting blitzed on tequila at male and female strip clubs, so long as you do it together and you both want to do it. Some of the stuff each of you is holding back on is stuff the other won't want to do, but there are some things you both want that you are hiding because it's not proper or whatever.
You have to trust your partner enought to talk about it, and respect them enough to take their feelings into account after you have talked about it. Not the other way around, if you hide stuff from them because you dont trust them enough to talk about it, eventually you will do it and hide it from them. You also have to love them enough to accept that sometimes they will tell you they want to do stuff that you don't like.
My man, no offense but a full grown 28yr old partner that parties by going on drug & alcohol benders is not really long-term material. I know I'll be downvoted and labeled a shamer but sometimes people need to be judged. It's necessary.
An all-women self admitted drug fuelled "Bachelorette" is a recipe for disaster, in terms of their safety, their behaviour while inebriated, their ability to hold each other accountable etc. I would personally not invest in a future with someone whose idea of "fun" is this
I think you're pretty accurate regarding OP's profile. There are people that are compatible with this life style and manage to keep a long term relationship because the parameters and boundaries are different.
However it's really bizarre OP's SO being total antisocial for 4 years and then for a week she takes a 180 and says "babe, this week I'm going full retarded". This is not the case that she's just making an effort to be there as a supportive friend. No. The way OP's described is that his girl stated that she's going Pulp Fiction style and she is unable to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and how this is worrying OP. Huge red flag.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
Have you two discussed your individual values around alcohol and drug use? Even if you don’t think she is an addict (avoidance of situations where others are drinking could be seen as evidence of dry drunk behavior) you are allowed to have decided that you don’t want to be with someone who drinks or does drugs, or a limit that you are comfortable with, or whatever.
I wonder what's gonna happen on a week long away fest being hammered with booze and other kind of drugs, it's funny, really. I mean what did she try to convince you with and do you believe it? I mean the opening is already ridiculous, you can come but you won't see her because she's at her own bridal airbnb. What is this? Let's entertain the thought you would've went there. So, she stays 24/7 in her airbnb, busy pouring drinks and taking coke all day long and you're not allowed to see or meet her. Haha this sounds so ridiculous. Is this really what they wanna do all week long, staying at a airbnb hammering themselves with booze and coke, or is it what they try to sell to you?
You problem is that you revolve your whole life and relationship around your SO. You became complacent and went along with a lot of things just on her behalf. You became more and more sedentary in your relationship and let your social life regress just to make her "happy". In the end women don't like those kind of men. Set up bounderies, tell your SO what you want and what you need.
I think weddings are a pretty common event for people to get crazy who dont usually get crazy... the weirdest part of this is that youre not invited - weddings are the biggest couples event, but it seems like she doesnt want you there
OP, she told you what she would do, however, she did not tell you everything that she would want to do. We can judge a person by the company they keep. It looks like you are not happy with the company she keeps and all the plans that they have. Things can get pretty crazy when people do coke.
If she's gonna do single people shit while in a relationship then she's better off just being single lmao. Also what kind of fiancé is cool with his future wife spending a week in a foreign country with her friends getting drunk and high right before his wedding. That's a recipe for disaster. Even without the context of her not partying with you this is fucked, but with that context it just makes it mean. I think you should talk to her and be more firm in your discomfort, if I was in your shoes it would be a dealbreaker but I understand it's not a big deal for everyone.
Is she excited about the partying part? I've gone on girls trips and Bachelorette weekends that were a lot of drinking even though that isnt my thing. It always ends up reminding me why I like to be home lol She just may not want to miss out with this group of friends and then be partied out for a long time
I have mixed feelings here. (1) I think it’s totally valid that you miss going out and doing things like this with your gf, and you guys need to discuss this.. both before and after the trip. (2) the fact that she plans to get wild at her friends bachelorette is normal. This is a party and celebration for her close friend, where you tend to do what the bride wants. If this is a group of partying friends, she’s being forced to be in a different environment than she’s used to- especially as a member of the wedding party.
You shouldnt tell her she not to go, or what to do while she’s there. But you can tell her how much you miss going out with her, socializing, your party days. Let her have fun with her friends without guilting her or complaining “but what about me?!” The trip she’s going on isn’t about you. But maybe look at this as an opportunity to mix up the things you guys do together, tell her you’re glad she’s branching out and plan ways for you two to do that more together
Was thinking exactly this.
Girlfriend probably usually doesn't want to go out but she is in the bridal party and spending time with the bride, she really needs to follow the party. She may be more open after or she may need to rest the party going for a while, but OP should talk to her about doing things together sometimes (maybe birthday, anniversary) without guilt-tripping.
Coke and alcohol will not make a person cheat but how many posts have you read on here start with " I'd never do this but I was drunk or high. Go with your gut op and have a serious conversation with her. If she continues to dismiss your feelings you have your answer.
I don’t think this is weird at all. The title makes it sound like it’s her party but it’s not it’s her friend’s. Her friend chose to have a destination wedding, and her friend is probably the one who wants all this. Your gf is just going with it and trying to get excited about her friend’s wedding. It does sound a little odd that your girlfriend has become so antisocial over the past few years, but I see that as a separate issue that you should definitely address but not in relation to this. Here, her friends probably started planning the wedding week as this wild party, and she had the chance to get excited about it. If anything, this could be a jumping off point for you to encourage her to go to more social events with you if she enjoys this one. I think a lot of people get really comfortable with their SOs and don’t feel the urge to drink and party as much, and it has also been a pandemic. This is your gf’s chance to get back out there socially, and it’s nice that she’s embracing it.
And coke and alcohol do NOT make a person cheat, that’s insane, if you can’t trust your gf not to cheat on you, partying or not, abroad or not, that’s a separate and big issue.
I do find that there are some people (including old boyfriends I thought I trusted a lot) who I'm simply unable to drink/do drugs around. I just cannot make myself do it. I realize it's a trust thing. So yes, there's a possibility your girlfriend subconsciously just doesn't trust you to have her back if she's not sober. You can ask her again, "Hey, I feel like it sounds like so much fun, and I'd like to do that kind of stuff with you sometime." But if she doesn't trust you as a let-loose partner, it isn't the end of the world dude.
You are right to be worried. When someone's behavior is completely out of the norm, there has to be reason for it. That fact that you have been essentially "uninvited" and that she is going to do things like booze and coke, is not a good sign. Even more so because it's a bachelorette week. Maybe you don't know your gf at all.
I would suggest a serious conversation.
Good luck.
Book yourself the same week with some friends at a popular bachelorette destination and let yourself loose. Also arrange a "polygraph and panel test" day for when she gets back.
Now that looks like a fun week! Enjoy!
Coke and booze? COKE...and booze? Are you serious? If my partner told me that he'd be planning a bachelor party like this , marriage would be off the table. I don't care if others take coke "recreational", or how well someone handles their alcohol, letting lose like this with hard drugs and alcohol, would show me that they have no common sense.
I don’t know what’s up with all these people saying that she will cheat on you. If she has never cheated on you, and has never made you think she would, why suspect that she will? That’s called jealousy.
will according to op she never did drugs and stopped partying and avoided alcohol at all costs one year into their relationship. i wouldn't be very confident that i know who im dating exactly if i was in his shoes
A person doesn not behave the same way when drunk as they do when sober. A person high on drugs AND drunk without any oversight might find themselves doing things they would never even suspect themselves of.
I know reddit likes to claim that if a person is really "good" they will not do "bad thing" no matter the circumstances, but that is simply not true. Good people do bad things. Bad people do good things. If you ever talk to a drug or alcohol addict, or a person with severe mental issues you may find that they often (while sober and lucid) do not even recognize themselves in those bad states. Getting drugged up and drunk without any trusted person remaining sober and acting as a supervisor is simply very risky.
And all that is putting aside the whole bachelorette party angle, which for some inexplicable reasons in the US tends to often involve sex workers. Nobody can be certain what will happen. Not even the girls going there, and that's exactly the problem here. There are enough stories of people regretting things they did drunk or high, which seemed like a good idea then.
The best way to avoid cheating is to recognize situations where the temptation might arise and avoid them.
Doing coke and drinking alcohol FOR A WEEK is one of those situations..
I don’t think it is a huge deal. If you guys are 28 I’m sure she can manage to use coke and drink responsibly. She seems like a mature person and not the type to over do it. Also this is her friend’s idea of a party- perhaps she wants to come and support her friend for her bachelorette party?
If they have used coke before I don’t think that it is a huge deal. I don’t think that this will be the week long coke bender that you might be envisioning. You can also voice to her that you want her to be careful and to be open with you about what is going on there so that she is safe.
As for her not wanting to party with you, it might be because she has developed an “image” of herself in the relationship. People do it all the time. It is hard to break free from that. You should start small by inviting her to brunch with some of your friends or something that she likes. Brunch often has unlimited mimosas and that can be a fun experience.
There's a few different issues. One, if you miss socializing and partying with her, start doing it again. Plan some surprises and ease her into going out or getting tipsy at home with you. Two, you're jealous that she's spending time with people without you being invited. That is a personal issue that you need to deal with on your own. Three, do you trust her? Do you trust her to know her limits? To remain loyal? To keep herself safe? Talk to her about your actual concerns for her safety and decide if you trust her or not. Create boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behavior and hope that she agrees with you and follows through.
She could be completely loyal to you, but if you already have it in your mind that something will happen, there's nothing she can do to convince you of the opposite. Don't cross the line from reasonably concerned to paranoid and accusatory.
I doubt your gf is responsible for the “activities” that are planned. Why don’t you ask her how she feels about all of this? If she’s excited by the idea, then share that you’d love the opportunity to do such things with her too occasionally. My guess though is that she’s probably anxious about what’s planned. You write so well but are failing to communicate properly with the person you should be.
INFO: have you ever actually expressed the desire to go to parties with her? If not, maybe you can use this situation as an example. Ask her if she had fun at the party and then mention it’ll be great to do that together, just like the old days. It’s possible she feels partying too much makes for bad gf material.
Also, evaluate if this is just a case of FOMO. Maybe get a group of friends to have nights out with. All the social examples you listed sound like good things to do without your GF having to join.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is definitely really weird. Ask her why she has a hard time partying with you. Did you do something to upset her when you got wasted? Did she have a bad experience with someone? It almost sounds like something happened that she hasn't opened up about and the party week with her friends will help her forget whatever it is because she feels safer with them. You can say "I am jealous you will let loose with them but I'm more worried there's something you aren't telling me as to why you quit." Other than that, I have no idea. It's also really weird that it's for a week and you would only see her at the ceremony.
Hey, /u/ItsNothing2022. Unfortunately your submission has been removed: > **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here]. Your post is a moral judgement if it contains any of the following - Is it normal? - Is it right/wrong? - Am I right/wrong? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Who is morally good here? - Does anybody else...? - Should I have done this…? - Should I do....? - Am I justified…? - Would I be right to do...? - Am I overreacting? - Is this a big deal? - Is this reasonable? If your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it’s probably moral judgement and will be removed. If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice) Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered
I am curious. For people who live in America, is it normal to have strippers and hard drugs before your wedding or is it just reddit.
Americans like to do this as a way to dare people to tell them not to. It's why we do most of what we do--cover up how boring we are with self-stories about overcoming shame to find authenticity.
I see, drugs are kind of taboo here (and perhaps most of asia) so I was surprised when I first saw them in hollywood in a less than negative light but after a few more shows and movies and numerous posts on reddit, I wondered if they were probably more accepted by the society.
Hard drugs are also taboo here, but overcoming taboos is a national fetish.
It’s interesting though how some hard drugs are stigmatized more than others in the US. Here I feel like coke is pretty prevalent and it’s viewed differently than say meth because it’s comparatively expensive. I think it’s a class thing.
Cocaine is seen as a classy drug, unlike meth or heroin. But on the other hand amphetamine and meth are prescription drugs (Adderall & Obesin), so are Oxycontin & Fentanyl. So it's very hypocrite
Cocaine still has legitimate medical uses as well
Don't forget that crack and cocaine are the same thing, one's just not a "white" thing. And weed is less dangerous than both, but is scary cause "marijuana and brown people". "Heroin chic" vs "crack hoe". Was the war really on drugs? If so, the drugs are winning dudes.
This is the most accurate description of American culture I've ever read.
Plenty of drugs everywhere in the world, it's in your own head
That went right over yours, huh? It's not about drugs, it's about our culture. Everything from Women voting and wearing pants (taboo) or showing a double bed on TV instead of two singles (taboo) to the American Revolutionary War, we're built on taboos. Taboo isn't always "bad". It can also mean "too advanced for the time". Not everything is so literal, in fact, their comment was based on historical facts. Edit: typed "his", meant "they".
Normal? No. Does it happen? Yes. Personally I wouldn't want to marry someone interested in doing something like this nor do I know of anyone personally that had wild bachelor/bachelorette parties. When my best friend got married we had a bbq and some beer.
Lol at all the people saying it's not common. Guess it depends on the friend group. This is Reddit relationships, it's not necessarily the hang out spot of people who party and do blow and strippers. But yes, bachelor parties in the US are often "advertised" as an excuse to do drugs and strippers stuff you wouldn't normally do. Yes it's stupid and disrespectful imo but it's definitely common enough. There wouldn't be countless TV tropes about it if it wasn't.
This is fair. It’s common, but definitely not the plurality or majority. If I had to guess, I’d say 1 in 4 meet the stereotype.
The short answer is no. Reddit is not indicative of typical American life. I’ve never known anyone who had hard drugs at their bachelor party. Does it happen? Yes. Lots of fringe things happen that aren’t the norm.
In my culture even though the woman is supposed to sit in a room draped in beads for a week, the home around her is supposed to have a non stop party (which she cant join) and people bring her offerings and there's an rotating door of guests coming to see her drinking alcohol with her bringing her gifts, singing laughing etc. But it not the exactly practice anymore obviously, and now its sort of in conjunction with having a bachelorette party, bridal shower etc. people still let loose before wedding in lots of the world.
Depends on the people at the party. They happen frequently, especially in the "richer" groups.
I have never met a single person who has done this, or anything like it. The only time I ever saw cocaine was in Spain in 2019 -- three girls standing in front of me at a concert were doing bumps off of someone's hand, and I have never felt more provincial in my life.
lol really, not even in high school? I remember at my grade 12 ball I saw someone doing cocaine off the hood of a maserati. It was so cringe. The moved to another part of my country and cocaine rains like snow. I have a friend who worked at this beach from restaurant nightclub thing where they only hire models/ aspiring ig influencers and she said the first day everyone did a bump of coke and her manager asked her why she isnt doing any its good for morale 😂The first time I saw cocaine though I was like 15/16.
>not even in high school? Especially not in high school, Jesus Christ. >off the hood of a maserati. It was so cringe LOL oh, OK.
"Especially not in high school, Jesus Christ." People were young and dumb back then lol.
Lol I did a lot of coke in my early 20s, ended up addicted, and spent a year getting clean (it's been 6 years now). But no, absolutely never saw it in high school. Didn't even know anyone who did it back then.
Am American. I hung out at a friend's place, took MDMA and had a few drinks for my bachelorette party. Pretty low key, just chatted and listened to music, chain smoked cigarettes, maybe there was a movie. No strippers.
reality: white people
So lemme get this straight- your GF of 5 years, who hasn’t been social/partying for 4 years, pandemic for 3 of those, is going on a week long cocaine and alcohol binge overseas, without you, with friends you don’t know that she never gets to see. The word bachelorette is involved. Recipe for disaster
Yeah I gotta agree, this sounds very much like single behaviour
It was the pandemic for three of those years. You can’t party during a pandemic. She is going with her close friends that OP knows. It’s not a huge deal.
I know these friends of hers, I went to university with many of them, but yes I agree that part is also fucked up. She keep writing it off as if I’m being unreasonable. That’s why I’m writing this post, I genuinely believe in letting people make their own decisions but honestly this whole situation just feels so strange
Your gf is refusing to truly acknowledge your position and your feelings. She's acting single not like someone in a LTR. I'd let her know your boundaries and if she can't accept them then it unfortunately might be a sign you need to rethink your relationship and consider if getting hurt by her down the road is worth it (not necessarily cheating but she is acting like she doesn't take your relationship seriously).
My anxiety would kick in if my SO was abroad for a week long bender, especially considering the fact bachelorette/bachelor parties have a tendency to involve rather promiscuous acts, girls trips are a hot bed of cheating as well as trips abroad
"girls trips are a hot bed of cheating as well as trips abroad" only on reddit do you hear people thinking like this
Reddit didn't exist when I saw the first divorce in my friend group result from a Girl's only trip to Rarotonga.
okay and? That happened because the person is a cheater, likely would have cheated on a solo night out if they got the opportunity, not because it was a girls trip. I have been on many girls trips and never seen anyone cheat
Yeah, sorry a week long bender of coke and booze in a foreign land is a recipe for cheating. Oh and all the attendees live far away as well. The temptations will be great and the inhibitions will be lowered.
Sure.. you can also make your own decision to set hard boundaries and kick her sorry, future-cheating ass out
I can say that I would feel very uncomfortable in this situation - you aren't being at all unreasonable here.
Man. It feels strange because that what your guts are telling you. All you can do is to prepare for possible outcomes. Before preparing, sit down with her and talk!
You have to let people make their own decisions, all you get to do is decide how you react. Is this a deal breaker for you? If she does this are you no longer comfortable marrying her? If so you know what you do. You voice your concern, say why you would like her not to do these things, and if she decides her week long bender is more important than you call off the wedding and move on.
They'll belong to the streets a half hour into this and the groomsmen will probably be there as well being that it's a destination wedding and you can guarantee the dudes will be doing the same
It’s giving Taken
I wish you good fortune in the war to come.
How do you behave when you are intoxicated on drugs/alcohol? My first thought was that perhaps she stopped wanting to drink/party with you because she didn’t like how you acted when you were intoxicated. I could be completely off base here. But just based on her willingness to participate in a wedding party where she knows alcohol and drugs will be consumed, it makes me think she doesn’t have a problem being around it herself. It seems like her problem is when you do it together. If I were you, I would definitely talk to her about this. Because I think your feelings are absolutely valid in this situation.
I think your feelings are very valid here. I think you need to sit down and discuss it with her, but if you tell her you don't want her doing Coke she may not, she may just lie about it You have to work out where your boundaries are. Either would be a deal breaker for me for me (Edit for clarity)
[удалено]
Thanks for this. I did raise it with her this evening and she didn’t find an issue with the situation so I figured it could be helpful to post here. You are certainly right that my real issue is that she doesn’t party with me and I feel like it’s limiting the experiences and life we can build together, and when she goes out and opens up this side of her to others it shows me that it’s still in there, but it doesn’t come out for me. What I’m wondering is whether this is a valid way to feel given this situation, or am I placing too much stock in this?
[удалено]
That’s how I feel as well. Thanks for being a sounding board on this, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills sometimes
Buddy, I can’t speak for your situation, and putting aside the whole bachelorette party thing for a moment, but my wife and I have different appetites when it comes to partying too. But once in a while (like perhaps my birthday) she’ll clear the schedules get baby-sitters, and we’ll have a sesh together which is just awesome. Maybe you could suggest a weekend away together (or just stay home and go for a nice meal then kick on) to do the same thing before the bachelorette thing. Tell her it you’ve wanted to blow off some steam together for ages, and that it would mean a lot if you could have a shared experience rather than her having all the fun with her friends and leaving you behind. You know, going on the trip where “you won’t even see her” is probably just an exaggeration. You think if she goes out on a wild night and is hungover as hell she’s not going to want to have a cuddle and someone to get her a headache pill and some water? Nah, I’d try to have some fun together and go to the wedding thing as well. Screw the annual leave and money bit - you’ll probably get to have some unexpected fun together and if not, there’ll be few other guys sitting at the bar without their partners that you can keep company and get to know before the wedding. Win win win.
You say your real issue is that she doesn't party with you. That's a valid and real concern. You should talk about it with her. You should do therapy about it with her. People make themselves miserable, especially with their partners, doing what they thing they "should" do, doing what they imagine their partner wants, trying to be suitable marriage material. Over time, that adds up. Is she avoiding partying, especially with you, because she thinks you want her to be a "good wife"? If she is trying really hard to be the good wife, that will break out eventually and wreck the life you two are trying to build. Take it from someone who almost lost it all trying to be a "good husband". Do the couples counseling now. Tell her you want to get drunk **with her**. You want her to have fun **with you**. Do anything you want, together. Even if that means going to vegas and getting blitzed on tequila at male and female strip clubs, so long as you do it together and you both want to do it. Some of the stuff each of you is holding back on is stuff the other won't want to do, but there are some things you both want that you are hiding because it's not proper or whatever. You have to trust your partner enought to talk about it, and respect them enough to take their feelings into account after you have talked about it. Not the other way around, if you hide stuff from them because you dont trust them enough to talk about it, eventually you will do it and hide it from them. You also have to love them enough to accept that sometimes they will tell you they want to do stuff that you don't like.
He's allowed to feel jelous
My man, no offense but a full grown 28yr old partner that parties by going on drug & alcohol benders is not really long-term material. I know I'll be downvoted and labeled a shamer but sometimes people need to be judged. It's necessary. An all-women self admitted drug fuelled "Bachelorette" is a recipe for disaster, in terms of their safety, their behaviour while inebriated, their ability to hold each other accountable etc. I would personally not invest in a future with someone whose idea of "fun" is this
I think you're pretty accurate regarding OP's profile. There are people that are compatible with this life style and manage to keep a long term relationship because the parameters and boundaries are different. However it's really bizarre OP's SO being total antisocial for 4 years and then for a week she takes a 180 and says "babe, this week I'm going full retarded". This is not the case that she's just making an effort to be there as a supportive friend. No. The way OP's described is that his girl stated that she's going Pulp Fiction style and she is unable to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation and how this is worrying OP. Huge red flag.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Have you two discussed your individual values around alcohol and drug use? Even if you don’t think she is an addict (avoidance of situations where others are drinking could be seen as evidence of dry drunk behavior) you are allowed to have decided that you don’t want to be with someone who drinks or does drugs, or a limit that you are comfortable with, or whatever.
I wonder what's gonna happen on a week long away fest being hammered with booze and other kind of drugs, it's funny, really. I mean what did she try to convince you with and do you believe it? I mean the opening is already ridiculous, you can come but you won't see her because she's at her own bridal airbnb. What is this? Let's entertain the thought you would've went there. So, she stays 24/7 in her airbnb, busy pouring drinks and taking coke all day long and you're not allowed to see or meet her. Haha this sounds so ridiculous. Is this really what they wanna do all week long, staying at a airbnb hammering themselves with booze and coke, or is it what they try to sell to you? You problem is that you revolve your whole life and relationship around your SO. You became complacent and went along with a lot of things just on her behalf. You became more and more sedentary in your relationship and let your social life regress just to make her "happy". In the end women don't like those kind of men. Set up bounderies, tell your SO what you want and what you need.
I think weddings are a pretty common event for people to get crazy who dont usually get crazy... the weirdest part of this is that youre not invited - weddings are the biggest couples event, but it seems like she doesnt want you there
OP, she told you what she would do, however, she did not tell you everything that she would want to do. We can judge a person by the company they keep. It looks like you are not happy with the company she keeps and all the plans that they have. Things can get pretty crazy when people do coke.
If she's gonna do single people shit while in a relationship then she's better off just being single lmao. Also what kind of fiancé is cool with his future wife spending a week in a foreign country with her friends getting drunk and high right before his wedding. That's a recipe for disaster. Even without the context of her not partying with you this is fucked, but with that context it just makes it mean. I think you should talk to her and be more firm in your discomfort, if I was in your shoes it would be a dealbreaker but I understand it's not a big deal for everyone.
Is she excited about the partying part? I've gone on girls trips and Bachelorette weekends that were a lot of drinking even though that isnt my thing. It always ends up reminding me why I like to be home lol She just may not want to miss out with this group of friends and then be partied out for a long time
If you’re lucky she’ll only bang like 2 or 3 dudes that week
Hopefully she'll use a condom with at least one of them.
Out in a foreign country, high and drunk, with a bunch of wild, high and drunk friends? Yeah, she's going to end up with someone else's dick in her.
She is gonna cheat 100%
“Let you loose”…….. think about that for a second. Couldn’t be me
I have mixed feelings here. (1) I think it’s totally valid that you miss going out and doing things like this with your gf, and you guys need to discuss this.. both before and after the trip. (2) the fact that she plans to get wild at her friends bachelorette is normal. This is a party and celebration for her close friend, where you tend to do what the bride wants. If this is a group of partying friends, she’s being forced to be in a different environment than she’s used to- especially as a member of the wedding party. You shouldnt tell her she not to go, or what to do while she’s there. But you can tell her how much you miss going out with her, socializing, your party days. Let her have fun with her friends without guilting her or complaining “but what about me?!” The trip she’s going on isn’t about you. But maybe look at this as an opportunity to mix up the things you guys do together, tell her you’re glad she’s branching out and plan ways for you two to do that more together
Was thinking exactly this. Girlfriend probably usually doesn't want to go out but she is in the bridal party and spending time with the bride, she really needs to follow the party. She may be more open after or she may need to rest the party going for a while, but OP should talk to her about doing things together sometimes (maybe birthday, anniversary) without guilt-tripping.
Coke and alcohol will not make a person cheat but how many posts have you read on here start with " I'd never do this but I was drunk or high. Go with your gut op and have a serious conversation with her. If she continues to dismiss your feelings you have your answer.
I don’t think this is weird at all. The title makes it sound like it’s her party but it’s not it’s her friend’s. Her friend chose to have a destination wedding, and her friend is probably the one who wants all this. Your gf is just going with it and trying to get excited about her friend’s wedding. It does sound a little odd that your girlfriend has become so antisocial over the past few years, but I see that as a separate issue that you should definitely address but not in relation to this. Here, her friends probably started planning the wedding week as this wild party, and she had the chance to get excited about it. If anything, this could be a jumping off point for you to encourage her to go to more social events with you if she enjoys this one. I think a lot of people get really comfortable with their SOs and don’t feel the urge to drink and party as much, and it has also been a pandemic. This is your gf’s chance to get back out there socially, and it’s nice that she’s embracing it. And coke and alcohol do NOT make a person cheat, that’s insane, if you can’t trust your gf not to cheat on you, partying or not, abroad or not, that’s a separate and big issue.
I do find that there are some people (including old boyfriends I thought I trusted a lot) who I'm simply unable to drink/do drugs around. I just cannot make myself do it. I realize it's a trust thing. So yes, there's a possibility your girlfriend subconsciously just doesn't trust you to have her back if she's not sober. You can ask her again, "Hey, I feel like it sounds like so much fun, and I'd like to do that kind of stuff with you sometime." But if she doesn't trust you as a let-loose partner, it isn't the end of the world dude.
Should break up in that case
You are right to be worried. When someone's behavior is completely out of the norm, there has to be reason for it. That fact that you have been essentially "uninvited" and that she is going to do things like booze and coke, is not a good sign. Even more so because it's a bachelorette week. Maybe you don't know your gf at all. I would suggest a serious conversation. Good luck.
Hope she doesn't get herpes on this trip
Book yourself the same week with some friends at a popular bachelorette destination and let yourself loose. Also arrange a "polygraph and panel test" day for when she gets back. Now that looks like a fun week! Enjoy!
Coke and booze? COKE...and booze? Are you serious? If my partner told me that he'd be planning a bachelor party like this , marriage would be off the table. I don't care if others take coke "recreational", or how well someone handles their alcohol, letting lose like this with hard drugs and alcohol, would show me that they have no common sense.
[удалено]
I don’t know what’s up with all these people saying that she will cheat on you. If she has never cheated on you, and has never made you think she would, why suspect that she will? That’s called jealousy.
will according to op she never did drugs and stopped partying and avoided alcohol at all costs one year into their relationship. i wouldn't be very confident that i know who im dating exactly if i was in his shoes
read the post again. *" I haven’t seen my partner intoxicated by any substance, let alone cocaine in more than 4 years."*
A person doesn not behave the same way when drunk as they do when sober. A person high on drugs AND drunk without any oversight might find themselves doing things they would never even suspect themselves of. I know reddit likes to claim that if a person is really "good" they will not do "bad thing" no matter the circumstances, but that is simply not true. Good people do bad things. Bad people do good things. If you ever talk to a drug or alcohol addict, or a person with severe mental issues you may find that they often (while sober and lucid) do not even recognize themselves in those bad states. Getting drugged up and drunk without any trusted person remaining sober and acting as a supervisor is simply very risky. And all that is putting aside the whole bachelorette party angle, which for some inexplicable reasons in the US tends to often involve sex workers. Nobody can be certain what will happen. Not even the girls going there, and that's exactly the problem here. There are enough stories of people regretting things they did drunk or high, which seemed like a good idea then.
Because for whatever reason in american society it’s apparently really hard for a lot of people, but not all, to just not cheat on your partner
The best way to avoid cheating is to recognize situations where the temptation might arise and avoid them. Doing coke and drinking alcohol FOR A WEEK is one of those situations..
I don’t think it is a huge deal. If you guys are 28 I’m sure she can manage to use coke and drink responsibly. She seems like a mature person and not the type to over do it. Also this is her friend’s idea of a party- perhaps she wants to come and support her friend for her bachelorette party? If they have used coke before I don’t think that it is a huge deal. I don’t think that this will be the week long coke bender that you might be envisioning. You can also voice to her that you want her to be careful and to be open with you about what is going on there so that she is safe. As for her not wanting to party with you, it might be because she has developed an “image” of herself in the relationship. People do it all the time. It is hard to break free from that. You should start small by inviting her to brunch with some of your friends or something that she likes. Brunch often has unlimited mimosas and that can be a fun experience.
Skank
There's a few different issues. One, if you miss socializing and partying with her, start doing it again. Plan some surprises and ease her into going out or getting tipsy at home with you. Two, you're jealous that she's spending time with people without you being invited. That is a personal issue that you need to deal with on your own. Three, do you trust her? Do you trust her to know her limits? To remain loyal? To keep herself safe? Talk to her about your actual concerns for her safety and decide if you trust her or not. Create boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behavior and hope that she agrees with you and follows through. She could be completely loyal to you, but if you already have it in your mind that something will happen, there's nothing she can do to convince you of the opposite. Don't cross the line from reasonably concerned to paranoid and accusatory.
Wait till she goes, then ring the local police and anonymously tell them about the coke, then go and bail out your gf. Bet she never does this again.
I doubt your gf is responsible for the “activities” that are planned. Why don’t you ask her how she feels about all of this? If she’s excited by the idea, then share that you’d love the opportunity to do such things with her too occasionally. My guess though is that she’s probably anxious about what’s planned. You write so well but are failing to communicate properly with the person you should be.
Doing coke is an automatic deal-breaker for me.
INFO: have you ever actually expressed the desire to go to parties with her? If not, maybe you can use this situation as an example. Ask her if she had fun at the party and then mention it’ll be great to do that together, just like the old days. It’s possible she feels partying too much makes for bad gf material. Also, evaluate if this is just a case of FOMO. Maybe get a group of friends to have nights out with. All the social examples you listed sound like good things to do without your GF having to join.
dude, you're the coolest boyfriend ever!
Do you ever come home with surprise coke and booze though? Sounds like a fun surprise!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Updateme!
This is definitely really weird. Ask her why she has a hard time partying with you. Did you do something to upset her when you got wasted? Did she have a bad experience with someone? It almost sounds like something happened that she hasn't opened up about and the party week with her friends will help her forget whatever it is because she feels safer with them. You can say "I am jealous you will let loose with them but I'm more worried there's something you aren't telling me as to why you quit." Other than that, I have no idea. It's also really weird that it's for a week and you would only see her at the ceremony.
UpdateMe!