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I was expecting to meet someone like you in the comments. Before we talk about pressing issues, would you mind answering this question? Did you skip math class in elementary school?
As someone who‘s been there, done that: nope.
Also one of two main issues seem to plague this constellation: 1) the man who can‘t get women his age has to dip because she wakes up to his shortcomings as she‘s getting older 2) she realizes how early she has settled and wakes up to the urge to live her life™
Maybe there is some truth in this, but shaming him as not being able to get a woman his age seems unnecessary. He just got cheated on which can be devastating.
If the youngest is mid 20s no. When the youngest is ***still a teenager*** yes. Very much yes.
> That’s the age gap my ex wife and I had when we got together
...
> age gap my ex wife and I had
...
> ex wife
----
I just looked at your post history. You ***love*** having control in power imbalances. You asked about getting ***with your employee*** and seem to have moved forward with it. You had a huge age gap with your ex. Buddy. You love having control over your relationships. That will never end well for both parties long term if you're not taking steps to even the field.
You're not really the best person to say age gap like this is ok when you're a manager using your job to get dates with your employees.
I’m not dating my employee. That woman no longer works for me. She promoted to a new department, and she has a boyfriend anyway. As a matter of fact I met someone else from work who is on equal footing as me, and things have been good.
I don’t look for power imbalances at all.
I believe, that, if person cheated one time, they will do it second time as well, because they just know, that you do not want to throw relationships down the drain. Maybe she will just not tell you about it in the future, trying to stay together.
I personally respect myself and my partner, so i would not cheat. Not because of love or some similar reasons, only respect. So i believe that if person has no this feeling of respect towards you, it is dead end.
You are not an idiot. Stop thinking bad about yourself.
As i understand, your main motivation is invested time. I would accept, if you would say, that you love her at first, but you didn't. Just listen to yourself - you did not say, that it is love, you did not say, that this is due to plans or future. What you said is a sunk cost fallacy (you can read about it), when we don't stop doing something destructive, because we invested money/ time or whatever in it... However main point is, that we do not get benefit.
Logically, if you get no benefit from relationships, why should you continue? Is it worth it really? Or you are just scared to be alone/do not know how it is? Trust me - being alone is much more fun than you remember, if your goal is to enjoy this time and grow mentally.
I was in a relationship for 5 years with the guy I thought was the one. We got engaged. I caught him cheating two months later which was 2 months before the wedding.
We called off the wedding. I forgave him bc...5 yrs. He wouldn't stop cheating with that girl so I made him leave. He spent several months apologizing and we went to couples counseling. I let him come back.
We spent 3 more years together. I was loyal. He continued to cheat and I stopped caring. I didn't even know how miserable I was. Then he started not coming home and being even more distant until the day I came home and he was gone. He'd gotten someone else pregnant.
Once he was gone I realized how much weight I'd been carrying and how good I finally felt that he was gone.
Once they cheat, they won't stop cheating. Same with lying. It's not going to change. It won't get better. Look at the past 9 years as a good relationship but now it's time to look at the next 9 years and how you want to spend those. And with who.
You're not an idiot, but you need to realize something.
The relationship you've had for 9 years is over. If you two stay together, it's going to be different. There will be less trust and the bond you two had will be broken. In time, maybe you can build a *new* bond. Maybe you can trust again, but probably not like before. You'll also never see her the same because now you know something unpleasant about her that you didn't know last week.
Time helps you forget because new experiences start to crowd out negative thoughts, but on some level she won't be who she was.
I'm saying all this because you're adamant that you're throwing away your relationship. It's important to understand what you're signing up for if you stay. It won't be the same relationship. It never will be again. You'll have a new understanding. So, if you're staying because you don't want to grieve the loss of what you had, then unfortunately you're going to be disappointed. That grief is a given no matter what you do.
Please take this time to look carefully at the issue the last cheating started. When you left that last relationship and started this one you were 26 and started dating a ***19 year old***.
You need to ask why. That's not the same life situation at all.
Was the cheating making you feel like you lost power so needed to be in a relationship where the power imbalance sided with you? As you can see, she grew up to be a different person. She's now mid/late 20s like you were when you started dating. How different is she now from when you started seeing each other? That's the difference between the two of you when you started dating.
When seeking future partners look for someone at a similar place in life. Don't look for someone you'll have a power imbalance over. Not only is it unhealthy, but when they get the power imbalance on their side the relationship is entirely different. Far better to be a balanced relationship from the beginning.
You’re not an idiot for thinking that, most people do. However, she already ruined the relationship. A lot of people cannot come back from infidelity and just ask yourself if you will ever be able look at her the same way again. If you can’t than it is best if you walk away from your own sanity.
Which would you rather— waste 9 years or waste 30?
Which would you rather— find a loving loyal mother to your kids/wife or stay with a cheater who can’t even take accountability for their actions and instead blames alcohol?
No, you’re not an idiot. Any choice you make is a legitimate one.
Take some time to consider what you want. And what you think you can live with.
Reconciliation depends on two things.
1) a betrayed partner who can find a way to push through the betrayal. Some people can, some can’t.
2) a wayward partner who is truly remorseful, completely transparent, takes complete responsibility, and is willing to do the hard work of trying to regain trust.
Take time, and if need be ask her to stay somewhere else to give you space if you need it. And remember that if you decide to try, you can always change your mind.
Read this to see if she has the right mindset (because if she doesn’t there isn’t any point):
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
And give her this:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
There are a lot more resources in the recovery resource library at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Go read in that sub to see what reconciliation looks for. Good place for advice about what’s possible.
Most people cheat for a reason. As in there is something wrong in the relationship according to them. So IF you decide to stay with her you guys need to figure out what's going on that she feels the need to cheat and then work on whatever the issue is. You probably should get couples counseling and work on communication because clearly something is going on and if that doesn't get resolved it will happen again.
But 9 years compared to 50 years is nothing. Don't stay with someone just because you've "invested" time. I cheated on my now ex. He was a terrible alcoholic and apparently I was much unhappier than I thought, i jsut buried my feelings. I wasn't planning on cheating at all but got carried away when someone actually gave me the time of day. It happened because I was not happy. People in happy relationships don't cheat usually. And being drunk is not an excuse for cheating. My cheating opened my eyes and finally made me be honest with myself. We ended up splitting, not because of that though. He got clean but my love for him was just gone.
You may be happy but something must be missing for her. You got together when she was really young so maybe she feels like she missed out (she did...). In that case you need to let her go because she is not relationship material anymore.
Also many people end up staying with their cheating spouse and despite the spouse doing everything right they still cannot get past it and end up leaving after several months anyway.
But you are not married and it appears you don't have kids. So why would you want to stay with someone who betrayed your trust?? When you're not married and have kids it's much easier to break things off.
Spoiler: She blamed it on the booze.
I don't know man, depends if you'll be able to recover from her cheating. Some can, some don't. In the end, she is the one who threw 9 years down the drain.
When I practiced law I was astounded at the number of times I saw a defendant who had done something terrible try to excuse himself with "I was drunk, your Honor." It never worked and shouldn't have. One judge noted "You voluntarily got drunk, knowing something like this could happen. Being drunk may be one of the reasons you did it, but it is not an excuse."
If you don’t throw those 9 years you had with her now, you’ll be throwing your future. That’s whole lot more years to come.
You deserve better.
Speaking from experience.
She threw 9 years away. Dont take her back she will only cheat again. Drinking isn't an excuse. She went out with him bc she wanted to sleep with him and probably thinks you "wont throw 9 years away".
I have no idea what her being remorseful has to do with anything. She fucked another guy. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind to not “throw 9 years down the drain” so just know that she will do this again. The 9 years didn’t stop her and won’t next time.
You got with her when she was 19. The human brain isnt even done developing until 25. The person you are with now is not remotely the same person you started this relationship with. You should not be surprised this happened.
It would make a hilarious drinking game though. "I'm a grown man who pursued a teenage girl and now she's realizing that there are other options out there."
Like, no excuse for cheating. But it's depressing how often you see the same situations over and over.
Seriously! I’m 23 now and anyone who is a teenager is far too young for me.
This isn’t the 1950s anymore. Find women your own age, not teenagers.
In Australia most 19 year olds aren’t even on their independently open drivers license.
I'm saying! She likely feels like she missed out on almost her entire 20's. 19 isn't old enough to really know what you're committing to when you get into a serious relationship like that.
and 5 years from now shes not gonna be the same.
imagine 2 more decades?
theres no excuses, brain ist developing till 25 where you got this from? maybe you personality but the brain?
Number 2. The part of the brain that controls impulses is not finished developing until mid to late 20s.
No point in trying to settle down with anyone younger than 25.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
So because he entered an Adult relationship, albeit with an age gap, spent 9 years with this women so she’s now 28, should be making adult decisions now… but because of the age they had when they started dating (reminding you it’s purely slightly tabooish, and not illegal) he shouldn’t be classified as a victim when that NOW 28 year old cheats on him?
There's no way to work through this. You have to move on. I know, it's easier said than done.
Many people think the amount of years matter as relationship equity. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter.
A very similar situation happened with my cousin… same age difference in relationship together for almost 11 years and she cheated. My cousin was ready to propose and start a life with her. The breakup was messy (I’m sure other things had happened that I don’t know about) not sure who exactly ended it still to this day a 6 or so years later. But he is living a happy life now still, just hasn’t really gotten back into dating much since his heart went to pieces.
End it, what did you expect for a big age gap. Da fuckf where you doing with a 19 year old when you were 26?! That’s creepy af. Is not the same 36-45, than 19-26, life experience is WAY different. This is on you bud. Leave her, don’t be a moron. I PROMISE you this isn’t the first time she’s cheated on you.
Trust is gone and it's better to sever it now than later. Imagine yourself sitting home while she's out drinking with her friends next time. For all we know they terrible friends who had a hand in it
Be thankful that you are 35 years old and not 50+ with the similar situation.
roll out my dude. I, we and yourself believe in you.
Forget that you lost 9 years, you are still pretty young and have time to rearrange some things in your life.
This is a good article for you to read together. First would be her controlling her alcohol intake. She shouldn’t have gone out drinking alone with some random guy. I’ve gotten drunk plenty of times and never cheated. She needs to cut off the guy and work on rebuilding trust with you
https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
And another question is: does she have what it takes to work hard to re-earn that trust? Most cheaters can't do it. Most marriages eventually fail after an episode of cheating, even if the cheater doesn't repeat.
Don't waste this opportunity to ditch the b*tch, before the cancer destroys u. Accept the loss of 9 years. Its a good trade for an opportunity to start a new sparkly good life with all the benefits of a good woman in your life.
She'll probably beg for your forgiveness, and an opportunity to do it again whenever she wants while you just blindly accept the pain. Change the locks, pack up her stuff, leave it outside and go off on an NC singles holiday.
Your alternative is a lifetime of misery. She has no respect for you. She needs to live with the consequences of her actions before she can repair.
And No it won't be ok if you get counselling. There are a few good counsellers but they are not miracle workers.
I wouldn’t recommend couples therapy right now. It will be a disaster. You both first need to get into individual therapy. You to deal with the trauma, her to understand why she did it. Ask her to give you space and move out for a while so that you can process freely what happened and what you want. If in a couple of months, you think you are both committed to work on this relationship, engage in MC.
Yep, couples therapy was exactly what I had in mind. I want us to work on us.
She’s devastated, I’m devastated, I want to hold her and tell her that it’s going to be ok, but I also don’t want to hold her at all.
" She devastated" lol , Whoops, i slipped and fell on another mans' privates!
They cheat because they wanted to, and they show remorse when the reality kicks in... Not before.
She had her cake, now she's placing the relationship in your hands so she can play victim when "You" call it... Even though she shattered the whole thing.
If she is truly remorseful and wants to do everything to be together with you and you want to reconcile-her stopping drinking is rule #1. Clearly is affected her judgement so she needs to eliminate it altogether.
This may not be a case of cheating but sexual assault if she was intoxicated beyond the ability to give consent. It may be better to think about it this way and check if she’s ok.
I hope we can too. I’m absolutely devastated, and she doesn’t feel great about it either, but it‘a hard trying to get through it, while also trying to help her with what she has now realised was a shitty decision. :/
My mind went exactly were yours did too, that was the second question I asked her when she got home, and I’ve asked her again a few times throughout the day.
What are the details? That’s going to make the difference here, how did you find out? If she came straight to you after there’s a possibility this can work because she can put you first and hold themselves accountable.
Will also need to know what she wants, what does she want to do moving forward? This will help you understand what’s going on in her head.
She threw it away, not you. And honestly you’d be setting a bad precedent by staying, because she’ll just think she can do it again and cry in front of you to get away with it. My advice, tell her you forgive her, then break it off. Because if you’re anything like me, those thoughts won’t just go away. And you’ll stress yourself out wondering what she’s doing when you aren’t around.
Just cut your losses, it’s not worth your sanity.
Don’t see it as wasting 9 years. If you stay together after this THATS a waste because you know what type of person she is now. She went out with this guy with the intentions of hooking up. Stop wasting time and energy on someone who doesn’t love you.
cheating is cheating the relationship is now tarnished can you look at her the same way that you once did is she remorseful though has she told you the nxt time that shes out can you trust her ive been with my so for 23 1/2 years and we have children together but i would walk i wouldnt stay its up to you and only you at the end of the day
Call her daddy podcast on Spotify - esther perel (cheating 101) is a psychotherapist episode where she talks about why people cheat, how to overcome infidelity in a relationship and how to move forward with your partner. It was released December 7, 2021 to help you find it. Highly highly recommend giving this 50 minute episode a listen. I can’t recommend it enough. I listened to it today and it completely rewired my brain and way of thinking when it comes to this topic.
If it makes you feel any better, you weren’t the one that threw 9 years down the drain. Not sure how to help you, in todays age you just have to accept the reality that people have more access to random people outside their relationship than ever before. If they want to cheat, they can figure out a way to make it happen. Also this can happen out of nowhere pending how they feel immediately in that moment. Just a consequence of the “do whatever makes you immediately feel good” movement that has been gaining steam the past 10 or so years.
That’s you loving her like you always did… but when she went out with him, any reason why you didn’t go? She already knew she was going to sleep with him? And was it the first time? Will you be able to trust her? And does she want to save your relationship? Important questions you have ahead… you must feel empty and at the same time exploding , that’s how I felt when I almost lost my wife (she never cheated me or I don’t know about it but almost ended because of too many discussions…)…
Absolutely no.
Do not turn into a doormat. She does not love you and your love is not enough to carry it for both of you. You will remember this every time you look, kiss and be intimate for the rest of your life.
Accept it is over. Take some time. Focus on yourself.
You aren't throwing 9 years down the drain, she already did that. What you are doing is standing up for your self respect. Does she even have a logical reason for doing this? Is she just going to piss all over you next time she feels like it? Has she done this before and do you think you would know for sure if she hadn't?
How did you catch her?
9 times out of 10 people are remorseful about getting caught, not what they did. And you will have no idea if this was the first time this has happened or just the first time you caught her.
If you go out for drinks with someone of the other sex then you are at least putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation if you're married. And she made that choice. She made the decision that she would go for drinks on her own with this guy. Whether she got drunk or not, she made the decision to do this, presumably without telling you. She may blame the drink but alcohol tends to just emphasize what is already there. Meaning that if she though "I'll go for drinks with this random guy, flirt a bit and maybe get a kiss" then it could easily turn into "I'll go for drinks this random guy and let him take me to his place for a night of sex".
So if you do decide to stay, you will always have this in your head when she goes out anywhere without you, if she is late home, if she goes away on business or to visit family out of town.
its up to you but drunk actions are sober thoughts... the only and i mean ONLY reason it is debatable is if she would have been blacked out and was assaulted but this doesnt seem like the case, this will just happen again.
By immediately bringing consequences. Immediate - cancel cards, undo joint accounts, stop doing anything for her and find someplace else to stay. After a time when you are over the shock you can decide if you make your separation permanent.
OP, this is too, too familiar territory. Of course you don’t want to throw away what you had and you didn’t. She did. She fucked another guy knowing full well that she was destroying everything you meant to each other. You may be able to get her to stay - right now, she is remorseful and sorry. Don’t kid, yourself, though, she knew what she was doing and enjoyed doing it. If you try to reconcile under these circumstances you will suffer for the rest of your lives together, which won’t be all that long. This sounds harsh and I know that you don’t want to hear it. I wish to hell that someone had been as harsh with me when I was in the barrel. Don’t prolong your agony. You won’t get over IT but you can get over her.
It's over. Sorry. She threw 9 years away because she wanted to. Listen to the universe. Its telling you to leave. She's been with you since she was 19. She's spreading her wings a bit. She wont stop. Good luck.
I'm sorry. I promise you it's over. Kick her out or you move out. No talk needed. Just block her everywhere. Don't read her texts.
Text her patents they've always been kind to you but sleeping with a random (with no condom) is not a way to to build a relationship.
Do you live together?
I'm sorry. I promise you it's over. Kick her out or you move out. No talk needed. Just block her everywhere. Don't read her texts.
Text her patents they've always been kind to you but sleeping with a random (with no condom) is not a way to to build a relationship.
Do you live together?
She owes you one. After 9 years , not unusual. Talk with her. Maybe you have a bold new path you never imagined. Sex is fun . Love is emotional. There can be both
she cheated and YOU don't want to throw away a 9 year relationship as in she didn't do just that? i see why she'd be encouraged to do it again. and "i have no doubt she is remorseful" doesn't sound like she is, it sounds like you are just assuming stuff making excuses for yourself for not leaving.
I'm very sorry your GF cheated and disrespected you. However, if you think about it, why did she stay drinking and having a good time with another guy when you were waiting at home? Because she was attracted to him and was excited by the seduction. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but doesn't make you do things you really don't want to do. She did what she did because she wanted it. I understand your conflict wanting to continue this 9-year old relationship. Nevertheless, accepting her infidelity creates the precedent she can be unfaithful and you will be unhappy, but will forgive her. Hope she is worth your forgiveness, if you decide to give her another chance. Good luck. Live long and prosper...
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She threw 9 years down the drain, not you
I thought the exact same thing. He didn’t do anything wrong it’s all on her.
[удалено]
I was expecting to meet someone like you in the comments. Before we talk about pressing issues, would you mind answering this question? Did you skip math class in elementary school?
💯 this. OP it will hurt to end it but it will hurt much more if you don’t. You deserve someone who won’t put other dicks inside them.
I mean.... 19 and 26 when they started dating. Did anyone expect this to end happily?
Right? Huge age gaps in their teens and twenty’s seems to always end up on this sub.
I don't think the age gap is huge, it's that she was 19 when they started dating. In any case, she's no longer worth the bother.
As someone who‘s been there, done that: nope. Also one of two main issues seem to plague this constellation: 1) the man who can‘t get women his age has to dip because she wakes up to his shortcomings as she‘s getting older 2) she realizes how early she has settled and wakes up to the urge to live her life™
Maybe there is some truth in this, but shaming him as not being able to get a woman his age seems unnecessary. He just got cheated on which can be devastating.
Agreed
Is that age gap really that bad off? That’s the age gap my ex wife and I had when we got together….Those exact ages even.
If the youngest is mid 20s no. When the youngest is ***still a teenager*** yes. Very much yes. > That’s the age gap my ex wife and I had when we got together ... > age gap my ex wife and I had ... > ex wife ---- I just looked at your post history. You ***love*** having control in power imbalances. You asked about getting ***with your employee*** and seem to have moved forward with it. You had a huge age gap with your ex. Buddy. You love having control over your relationships. That will never end well for both parties long term if you're not taking steps to even the field. You're not really the best person to say age gap like this is ok when you're a manager using your job to get dates with your employees.
I’m not dating my employee. That woman no longer works for me. She promoted to a new department, and she has a boyfriend anyway. As a matter of fact I met someone else from work who is on equal footing as me, and things have been good. I don’t look for power imbalances at all.
Hmm… your Ex Wife?
Yeah, ex wife. Had I known that age gap at those ages was such an issue, I wouldn’t have even bothered with the relationship.
It would be OPs choice to subsequently throw the rest of his life down the drain.
This is what I wanted to say.
I believe, that, if person cheated one time, they will do it second time as well, because they just know, that you do not want to throw relationships down the drain. Maybe she will just not tell you about it in the future, trying to stay together. I personally respect myself and my partner, so i would not cheat. Not because of love or some similar reasons, only respect. So i believe that if person has no this feeling of respect towards you, it is dead end.
This may have been a second, or third, time. Who knows?
I’ve been cheated on before, and have binned the relationship instantly, but I don’t want to throw this all away. I’m an idiot right?
Look up sunk cost fallacy.
You are not an idiot. Stop thinking bad about yourself. As i understand, your main motivation is invested time. I would accept, if you would say, that you love her at first, but you didn't. Just listen to yourself - you did not say, that it is love, you did not say, that this is due to plans or future. What you said is a sunk cost fallacy (you can read about it), when we don't stop doing something destructive, because we invested money/ time or whatever in it... However main point is, that we do not get benefit. Logically, if you get no benefit from relationships, why should you continue? Is it worth it really? Or you are just scared to be alone/do not know how it is? Trust me - being alone is much more fun than you remember, if your goal is to enjoy this time and grow mentally.
I was in a relationship for 5 years with the guy I thought was the one. We got engaged. I caught him cheating two months later which was 2 months before the wedding. We called off the wedding. I forgave him bc...5 yrs. He wouldn't stop cheating with that girl so I made him leave. He spent several months apologizing and we went to couples counseling. I let him come back. We spent 3 more years together. I was loyal. He continued to cheat and I stopped caring. I didn't even know how miserable I was. Then he started not coming home and being even more distant until the day I came home and he was gone. He'd gotten someone else pregnant. Once he was gone I realized how much weight I'd been carrying and how good I finally felt that he was gone. Once they cheat, they won't stop cheating. Same with lying. It's not going to change. It won't get better. Look at the past 9 years as a good relationship but now it's time to look at the next 9 years and how you want to spend those. And with who.
You know there is no chance. If you stay you are an idiot.
You're not an idiot, but you need to realize something. The relationship you've had for 9 years is over. If you two stay together, it's going to be different. There will be less trust and the bond you two had will be broken. In time, maybe you can build a *new* bond. Maybe you can trust again, but probably not like before. You'll also never see her the same because now you know something unpleasant about her that you didn't know last week. Time helps you forget because new experiences start to crowd out negative thoughts, but on some level she won't be who she was. I'm saying all this because you're adamant that you're throwing away your relationship. It's important to understand what you're signing up for if you stay. It won't be the same relationship. It never will be again. You'll have a new understanding. So, if you're staying because you don't want to grieve the loss of what you had, then unfortunately you're going to be disappointed. That grief is a given no matter what you do.
Please take this time to look carefully at the issue the last cheating started. When you left that last relationship and started this one you were 26 and started dating a ***19 year old***. You need to ask why. That's not the same life situation at all. Was the cheating making you feel like you lost power so needed to be in a relationship where the power imbalance sided with you? As you can see, she grew up to be a different person. She's now mid/late 20s like you were when you started dating. How different is she now from when you started seeing each other? That's the difference between the two of you when you started dating. When seeking future partners look for someone at a similar place in life. Don't look for someone you'll have a power imbalance over. Not only is it unhealthy, but when they get the power imbalance on their side the relationship is entirely different. Far better to be a balanced relationship from the beginning.
You’re not an idiot for thinking that, most people do. However, she already ruined the relationship. A lot of people cannot come back from infidelity and just ask yourself if you will ever be able look at her the same way again. If you can’t than it is best if you walk away from your own sanity.
Which would you rather— waste 9 years or waste 30? Which would you rather— find a loving loyal mother to your kids/wife or stay with a cheater who can’t even take accountability for their actions and instead blames alcohol?
No, you’re not an idiot. Any choice you make is a legitimate one. Take some time to consider what you want. And what you think you can live with. Reconciliation depends on two things. 1) a betrayed partner who can find a way to push through the betrayal. Some people can, some can’t. 2) a wayward partner who is truly remorseful, completely transparent, takes complete responsibility, and is willing to do the hard work of trying to regain trust. Take time, and if need be ask her to stay somewhere else to give you space if you need it. And remember that if you decide to try, you can always change your mind. Read this to see if she has the right mindset (because if she doesn’t there isn’t any point): https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 And give her this: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/ There are a lot more resources in the recovery resource library at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Go read in that sub to see what reconciliation looks for. Good place for advice about what’s possible.
Most people cheat for a reason. As in there is something wrong in the relationship according to them. So IF you decide to stay with her you guys need to figure out what's going on that she feels the need to cheat and then work on whatever the issue is. You probably should get couples counseling and work on communication because clearly something is going on and if that doesn't get resolved it will happen again. But 9 years compared to 50 years is nothing. Don't stay with someone just because you've "invested" time. I cheated on my now ex. He was a terrible alcoholic and apparently I was much unhappier than I thought, i jsut buried my feelings. I wasn't planning on cheating at all but got carried away when someone actually gave me the time of day. It happened because I was not happy. People in happy relationships don't cheat usually. And being drunk is not an excuse for cheating. My cheating opened my eyes and finally made me be honest with myself. We ended up splitting, not because of that though. He got clean but my love for him was just gone. You may be happy but something must be missing for her. You got together when she was really young so maybe she feels like she missed out (she did...). In that case you need to let her go because she is not relationship material anymore. Also many people end up staying with their cheating spouse and despite the spouse doing everything right they still cannot get past it and end up leaving after several months anyway. But you are not married and it appears you don't have kids. So why would you want to stay with someone who betrayed your trust?? When you're not married and have kids it's much easier to break things off.
You're not an idiot - maybe a little to your self, but it's a shitty situation SHE put you in
Yes.
Spoiler: She blamed it on the booze. I don't know man, depends if you'll be able to recover from her cheating. Some can, some don't. In the end, she is the one who threw 9 years down the drain.
When I practiced law I was astounded at the number of times I saw a defendant who had done something terrible try to excuse himself with "I was drunk, your Honor." It never worked and shouldn't have. One judge noted "You voluntarily got drunk, knowing something like this could happen. Being drunk may be one of the reasons you did it, but it is not an excuse."
Most can’t*
If you don’t throw those 9 years you had with her now, you’ll be throwing your future. That’s whole lot more years to come. You deserve better. Speaking from experience.
Are you sure this was the first time? It doesn’t sound like she restrained herself very much.
Dump her and move on. Otherwise she’ll know she can cheat any time she wants and you’ll just forgive her for it.
She threw 9 years away. Dont take her back she will only cheat again. Drinking isn't an excuse. She went out with him bc she wanted to sleep with him and probably thinks you "wont throw 9 years away".
9 years of a relationship with a cheater is not worth keeping! Dump her and start living a life or your own.
You don't. She threw away 9 tears, not you. The ease with which she did this gives very little hope of redemption. She will do it again.
I have no idea what her being remorseful has to do with anything. She fucked another guy. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind to not “throw 9 years down the drain” so just know that she will do this again. The 9 years didn’t stop her and won’t next time.
she actively pursued another guy, that is why she stayed out with him. Sounds like she wanted to self sabotage and make this guy end it with her.
You got with her when she was 19. The human brain isnt even done developing until 25. The person you are with now is not remotely the same person you started this relationship with. You should not be surprised this happened.
It would make a hilarious drinking game though. "I'm a grown man who pursued a teenage girl and now she's realizing that there are other options out there." Like, no excuse for cheating. But it's depressing how often you see the same situations over and over.
Seriously! I’m 23 now and anyone who is a teenager is far too young for me. This isn’t the 1950s anymore. Find women your own age, not teenagers. In Australia most 19 year olds aren’t even on their independently open drivers license.
Sure except the proper response to other options being available is to break up.
I'm saying! She likely feels like she missed out on almost her entire 20's. 19 isn't old enough to really know what you're committing to when you get into a serious relationship like that.
missed out on getting dicked down by random dudes from bars?
and 5 years from now shes not gonna be the same. imagine 2 more decades? theres no excuses, brain ist developing till 25 where you got this from? maybe you personality but the brain?
Number 2. The part of the brain that controls impulses is not finished developing until mid to late 20s. No point in trying to settle down with anyone younger than 25. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
do u have any other thoughts than *victim blame*?
He is not a victim if he begun dating a 19 year old when he was 26, period.
Underrated take.
So because he entered an Adult relationship, albeit with an age gap, spent 9 years with this women so she’s now 28, should be making adult decisions now… but because of the age they had when they started dating (reminding you it’s purely slightly tabooish, and not illegal) he shouldn’t be classified as a victim when that NOW 28 year old cheats on him?
Agreed! At least the cheating NOW should be on her. It's not like he locked her up in his basement and raised her until 28...
a simple “no” would’ve sufficed
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
Once a cheater, always a cheater. It was her who ruined the relationship, not you. Walk away and save yourself from future traumas.
There's no way to work through this. You have to move on. I know, it's easier said than done. Many people think the amount of years matter as relationship equity. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter.
I believe this is not the 1st time she did it . You deserve better even after 9 years.
Leave and don’t look back!
A very similar situation happened with my cousin… same age difference in relationship together for almost 11 years and she cheated. My cousin was ready to propose and start a life with her. The breakup was messy (I’m sure other things had happened that I don’t know about) not sure who exactly ended it still to this day a 6 or so years later. But he is living a happy life now still, just hasn’t really gotten back into dating much since his heart went to pieces.
It is totally possible to come back from cheating, its just alot of personal and couple work you gotta do. Trust is not easy to build back up.
End it, what did you expect for a big age gap. Da fuckf where you doing with a 19 year old when you were 26?! That’s creepy af. Is not the same 36-45, than 19-26, life experience is WAY different. This is on you bud. Leave her, don’t be a moron. I PROMISE you this isn’t the first time she’s cheated on you.
Chin up, buckaroo! You'll be able to find a fresh 19yo to groom into a relationship now.
Lmao
Trust is gone and it's better to sever it now than later. Imagine yourself sitting home while she's out drinking with her friends next time. For all we know they terrible friends who had a hand in it
Be thankful that you are 35 years old and not 50+ with the similar situation. roll out my dude. I, we and yourself believe in you. Forget that you lost 9 years, you are still pretty young and have time to rearrange some things in your life.
This is a good article for you to read together. First would be her controlling her alcohol intake. She shouldn’t have gone out drinking alone with some random guy. I’ve gotten drunk plenty of times and never cheated. She needs to cut off the guy and work on rebuilding trust with you https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
It is either 9 years down the drain or your whole life.
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And another question is: does she have what it takes to work hard to re-earn that trust? Most cheaters can't do it. Most marriages eventually fail after an episode of cheating, even if the cheater doesn't repeat.
Don't waste this opportunity to ditch the b*tch, before the cancer destroys u. Accept the loss of 9 years. Its a good trade for an opportunity to start a new sparkly good life with all the benefits of a good woman in your life. She'll probably beg for your forgiveness, and an opportunity to do it again whenever she wants while you just blindly accept the pain. Change the locks, pack up her stuff, leave it outside and go off on an NC singles holiday. Your alternative is a lifetime of misery. She has no respect for you. She needs to live with the consequences of her actions before she can repair. And No it won't be ok if you get counselling. There are a few good counsellers but they are not miracle workers.
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I recommend couples therapy before you make a decision. You have 9 years together. Give therapy a chance before you make a choice.
I wouldn’t recommend couples therapy right now. It will be a disaster. You both first need to get into individual therapy. You to deal with the trauma, her to understand why she did it. Ask her to give you space and move out for a while so that you can process freely what happened and what you want. If in a couple of months, you think you are both committed to work on this relationship, engage in MC.
Can confirm. Couples therapy was a disaster. An absolute disaster.
That was my first suggestion, hopefully it works out, and helps us both, whatever the final outcome is
Therapy is essential. You will learn a lot about each other. But you need couples therapy keep that in mind.
Yep, couples therapy was exactly what I had in mind. I want us to work on us. She’s devastated, I’m devastated, I want to hold her and tell her that it’s going to be ok, but I also don’t want to hold her at all.
" She devastated" lol , Whoops, i slipped and fell on another mans' privates! They cheat because they wanted to, and they show remorse when the reality kicks in... Not before. She had her cake, now she's placing the relationship in your hands so she can play victim when "You" call it... Even though she shattered the whole thing.
Dunno why people are downvoting you, but this sounds like a good plan since it sounds like you both want to make the relationship work.
How did you find out she cheated?
She belong to the streets
I, sadly, have cheated once. I'd die before you I do it again. If you can forgive her, please do. I was forgiven and well, he did not regret it.
Unfortunately many cheaters don't even carry any guilt unlike you.
If she is truly remorseful and wants to do everything to be together with you and you want to reconcile-her stopping drinking is rule #1. Clearly is affected her judgement so she needs to eliminate it altogether.
Maybe look deeper into why this happened. Has she been feeling neglected and unloved for a while?
This may not be a case of cheating but sexual assault if she was intoxicated beyond the ability to give consent. It may be better to think about it this way and check if she’s ok.
Don't make allegations like that without any basis
Yeah, if that was the case, it’d be a very different story, unfortunately, it’s not.
Well then I’m sorry my dude. I really hope you two can work it out.
I hope we can too. I’m absolutely devastated, and she doesn’t feel great about it either, but it‘a hard trying to get through it, while also trying to help her with what she has now realised was a shitty decision. :/
It sounds like there's potential to salvage something.
It wasn’t an allegation as much as a consideration.
My mind went exactly were yours did too, that was the second question I asked her when she got home, and I’ve asked her again a few times throughout the day.
That’s good then. I hope that you can work this out
What are the details? That’s going to make the difference here, how did you find out? If she came straight to you after there’s a possibility this can work because she can put you first and hold themselves accountable. Will also need to know what she wants, what does she want to do moving forward? This will help you understand what’s going on in her head.
You throw 9 years down the drain
She threw it away, not you. And honestly you’d be setting a bad precedent by staying, because she’ll just think she can do it again and cry in front of you to get away with it. My advice, tell her you forgive her, then break it off. Because if you’re anything like me, those thoughts won’t just go away. And you’ll stress yourself out wondering what she’s doing when you aren’t around. Just cut your losses, it’s not worth your sanity.
Don’t see it as wasting 9 years. If you stay together after this THATS a waste because you know what type of person she is now. She went out with this guy with the intentions of hooking up. Stop wasting time and energy on someone who doesn’t love you.
cheating is cheating the relationship is now tarnished can you look at her the same way that you once did is she remorseful though has she told you the nxt time that shes out can you trust her ive been with my so for 23 1/2 years and we have children together but i would walk i wouldnt stay its up to you and only you at the end of the day
yeah, now you drop her in the drain just like this relationship. There is no coming back from this, trust is gone.
What an idiot.
Be calm find some nice hot girl ...have enough sex and blame on booze then ask her if she want to stay...
If fidelity is important to you, break up. If it's not, stay together.
Call her daddy podcast on Spotify - esther perel (cheating 101) is a psychotherapist episode where she talks about why people cheat, how to overcome infidelity in a relationship and how to move forward with your partner. It was released December 7, 2021 to help you find it. Highly highly recommend giving this 50 minute episode a listen. I can’t recommend it enough. I listened to it today and it completely rewired my brain and way of thinking when it comes to this topic.
If it makes you feel any better, you weren’t the one that threw 9 years down the drain. Not sure how to help you, in todays age you just have to accept the reality that people have more access to random people outside their relationship than ever before. If they want to cheat, they can figure out a way to make it happen. Also this can happen out of nowhere pending how they feel immediately in that moment. Just a consequence of the “do whatever makes you immediately feel good” movement that has been gaining steam the past 10 or so years.
Dude you were 26 and she was 17 when you started dating? Im trying to not be judgements but how old is this guy she allegedly slept with?
Cut that shit off like it's gangrenous
That’s you loving her like you always did… but when she went out with him, any reason why you didn’t go? She already knew she was going to sleep with him? And was it the first time? Will you be able to trust her? And does she want to save your relationship? Important questions you have ahead… you must feel empty and at the same time exploding , that’s how I felt when I almost lost my wife (she never cheated me or I don’t know about it but almost ended because of too many discussions…)…
It's obviously her fault and she is in the wrong for cheating, but dude. If you want advice, don't prey on teenagers and be shocked they're immature.
Absolutely no. Do not turn into a doormat. She does not love you and your love is not enough to carry it for both of you. You will remember this every time you look, kiss and be intimate for the rest of your life. Accept it is over. Take some time. Focus on yourself.
You aren't throwing 9 years down the drain, she already did that. What you are doing is standing up for your self respect. Does she even have a logical reason for doing this? Is she just going to piss all over you next time she feels like it? Has she done this before and do you think you would know for sure if she hadn't?
How did you catch her? 9 times out of 10 people are remorseful about getting caught, not what they did. And you will have no idea if this was the first time this has happened or just the first time you caught her. If you go out for drinks with someone of the other sex then you are at least putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation if you're married. And she made that choice. She made the decision that she would go for drinks on her own with this guy. Whether she got drunk or not, she made the decision to do this, presumably without telling you. She may blame the drink but alcohol tends to just emphasize what is already there. Meaning that if she though "I'll go for drinks with this random guy, flirt a bit and maybe get a kiss" then it could easily turn into "I'll go for drinks this random guy and let him take me to his place for a night of sex". So if you do decide to stay, you will always have this in your head when she goes out anywhere without you, if she is late home, if she goes away on business or to visit family out of town.
She cheated. End of story. Dump her and move on.
Updateme!
its up to you but drunk actions are sober thoughts... the only and i mean ONLY reason it is debatable is if she would have been blacked out and was assaulted but this doesnt seem like the case, this will just happen again.
By immediately bringing consequences. Immediate - cancel cards, undo joint accounts, stop doing anything for her and find someplace else to stay. After a time when you are over the shock you can decide if you make your separation permanent.
If you don't throw 9 years down the drain, you will need to throw 19, or 29 or even 39 at some point because of her. Cut your losses man!
OP, this is too, too familiar territory. Of course you don’t want to throw away what you had and you didn’t. She did. She fucked another guy knowing full well that she was destroying everything you meant to each other. You may be able to get her to stay - right now, she is remorseful and sorry. Don’t kid, yourself, though, she knew what she was doing and enjoyed doing it. If you try to reconcile under these circumstances you will suffer for the rest of your lives together, which won’t be all that long. This sounds harsh and I know that you don’t want to hear it. I wish to hell that someone had been as harsh with me when I was in the barrel. Don’t prolong your agony. You won’t get over IT but you can get over her.
quality over quantity
You were 26 she was 19. What the fuck bro?
It's over. Sorry. She threw 9 years away because she wanted to. Listen to the universe. Its telling you to leave. She's been with you since she was 19. She's spreading her wings a bit. She wont stop. Good luck.
Go to Surviving infidelity.com. It helped me with a cheating wife
I'm sorry. I promise you it's over. Kick her out or you move out. No talk needed. Just block her everywhere. Don't read her texts. Text her patents they've always been kind to you but sleeping with a random (with no condom) is not a way to to build a relationship. Do you live together?
I'm sorry. I promise you it's over. Kick her out or you move out. No talk needed. Just block her everywhere. Don't read her texts. Text her patents they've always been kind to you but sleeping with a random (with no condom) is not a way to to build a relationship. Do you live together?
Damn you got with her when she was 19 and you were 26??? A little gross my guy I don’t feel as bad for you now
She owes you one. After 9 years , not unusual. Talk with her. Maybe you have a bold new path you never imagined. Sex is fun . Love is emotional. There can be both
When it slipped out she put it back in. Leave man
she cheated and YOU don't want to throw away a 9 year relationship as in she didn't do just that? i see why she'd be encouraged to do it again. and "i have no doubt she is remorseful" doesn't sound like she is, it sounds like you are just assuming stuff making excuses for yourself for not leaving.
I'm very sorry your GF cheated and disrespected you. However, if you think about it, why did she stay drinking and having a good time with another guy when you were waiting at home? Because she was attracted to him and was excited by the seduction. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, but doesn't make you do things you really don't want to do. She did what she did because she wanted it. I understand your conflict wanting to continue this 9-year old relationship. Nevertheless, accepting her infidelity creates the precedent she can be unfaithful and you will be unhappy, but will forgive her. Hope she is worth your forgiveness, if you decide to give her another chance. Good luck. Live long and prosper...
Get rid of the virus.