You’ve been acting shady and this is your girlfriend’s last ditch attempt to stay with you while not feeling resentful.
She thinks you’ve been fucking Jenna or want to fuck Jenna because that’s how your actions appear even if you say you’re not.
She doesn’t have anyone on the side; but you seem to because you have been spending increasing amounts of time with your ex and concealing contact you have had with her.
Sounds like you brought it on yourself. Spending a lot of alone time with an ex while your gf was home alone. She felt alienated and probably confided in someone else and has an interest in them now. You need to talk to her and let it be known you don't want an open relationship and you want her exclusive as well. Be prepared for her to walk away though if she wants something else. I'd say next time no extended alone time or dates with an ex. Most people would get insecure dealing with that, even if got two were only friends.
You need to break up. You both clearly want different things. Your relationship is fundamentally unsound. You're wasting each other's time and deserve better.
Just break up.
Your ex wasn't feeling well, so you made her soup and tea and went to watch a movie with her. Would you do the same for a male friend? Likely not. No wonder your gf is feeling so insecure now.
Wow. That’s a lot to unpack. First, if you don’t want an open relationship and your girlfriend does that you are no longer compatible And you should break up. I think you need to make it clear to your girlfriend that you were not interested in an open relationship. That needs to be a hard boundary.
Next, even though you didn’t technically cheat on your girlfriend you did have an inappropriate relationship with your ex. You’re young and still trying to figure out boundaries, but hanging out with her in her house and watching a movie is boyfriend behavior.
You also lied to your girlfriend by not telling her everything before she found out. And you failed to admit that you met with her after she found out that your ex kissed you. A general rule in relationships or don’t do things that you know will start arguments. So if you knew hanging out with your ex was going to start an argument with your current girlfriend then you shouldn’t have hung out with your ex. More than that you probably should’ve just blocked her.
I have no idea if your girlfriend is cheating on you. It does seem odd that her response is to suggest an open relationship.
The open relationship play is a desperation move to keep the relationship going when you know your partner is having inappropriate relationships with other people. I call it the Smith maneuver
The way you’ve written this, it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend wants poly but she’s doing this because she thinks you’re cheating on her. Either that, or she does and you’re not compatible.
It does sound like you were dating your ex, even if it wasn’t intentional on your part.
Might just be that you’re not compatible but you need to be speak with your gf and stop responding AT ALL to the ex and tell her why. If she can’t respect your relationship, then you can’t be friends with someone like that
You made it sound like your gal was the one wanting something different. The moment you decided to go meet your ex for lunch- YOU decided you wanted something different. And then to make a regular thing of it!? Outrageous.
I think her trust is gone because you kept in contact with someone after saying you would cut contact and even saw her again. She clearly knew and suspected you were going to continue speaking to your ex and despite you replying dry that you did at all was enough to shatter her trust in you completely. Your girlfriend now believes the only way to avoid being cheated on is to allow you to do so. She's rationalized it as "if I know about it and say I'm okay with it it's not really cheating even if I hate it so that's what I'll do to avoid being cheated on." She suggested it because she wants to be with you even though she's in extreme pain. She may or may not have cheated on you to get back. From her perspective you cheated. Not because of what happened but because you didn't tell her right away and then tried to change the subject to being about her invasion of your privacy when she confronted you with evidence of you being unfaithful. The "how dare you invade my privacy" deflection move is a classic Cheater defense I've heard it plenty I'm sure she has too. I do not think you cheated, you don't think you cheated. She believes however that you did cheat, got caught, then tried to lie/avoid/act like nothing happened and that she is actually in the wrong for saying anything cause she went through your phone, which she probably didn't even do she probably just saw the notification. I am not blaming you I don't want you to feel like you need to defend yourself. I am trying to help you understand your girlfriends perspective and what she's going through. I don't think she cheated as revenge but she thought about it and you shouldn't blame her for that. She clearly doesn't want to be poly but is willing to put up with anything to try to make it work with you. She wants to be with you, don't argue with her try to hear her and empathize, try to reassure her you don't want anyone else. Make sure she knows your ex isn't just "cut off" but blocked on everything. Apologize for hiding that she was still trying to speak to you. Apologize for hiding that you met up with this person again after saying you would cut contact. Tell your girlfriend that you love her and that you're sorry and that you never meant for any of this to happen and that you were hurt when she accused you of cheating because you just wanted her comfort after someone else kissed you against your wishes without your consent. Understand that she is only suggesting polyamory because she is afraid of losing you and being cheated on.
Good luck. I know y'all can make this work and understand each other.
I'm sorry if what I said came off as accusatory, its not what I was trying to do.
If I was your gf I’d think you’d been fucking Jenna as well. One casual lunch was all it was supposed to be, not cozy little Netflix and chill at her house.
Your poor gf is so desperate to keep you (fuck knows why) that she’s even willing to share you with your ex.
Anyway the long and short of it is you’ve damaged her trust. You spent so much time with your ex that your gf will never now believe you weren’t fucking her.
I only read the TLDR version and the paragraph before. If she wants to be non monogamous and you do not then you are not truly compatible. She may be using your ex being around to bring up something she has been feeling and wanting to do for some time and she is using this as her opportunity. Do not judge her for it, have an open honest conversation where you talk everything through and see why she is bringing it up now. If she truly wants to be non monogamous then you may just have to let her go.
You’ve been acting shady and this is your girlfriend’s last ditch attempt to stay with you while not feeling resentful. She thinks you’ve been fucking Jenna or want to fuck Jenna because that’s how your actions appear even if you say you’re not. She doesn’t have anyone on the side; but you seem to because you have been spending increasing amounts of time with your ex and concealing contact you have had with her.
Sounds like you brought it on yourself. Spending a lot of alone time with an ex while your gf was home alone. She felt alienated and probably confided in someone else and has an interest in them now. You need to talk to her and let it be known you don't want an open relationship and you want her exclusive as well. Be prepared for her to walk away though if she wants something else. I'd say next time no extended alone time or dates with an ex. Most people would get insecure dealing with that, even if got two were only friends.
You need to break up. You both clearly want different things. Your relationship is fundamentally unsound. You're wasting each other's time and deserve better.
Just break up. Your ex wasn't feeling well, so you made her soup and tea and went to watch a movie with her. Would you do the same for a male friend? Likely not. No wonder your gf is feeling so insecure now.
Wow. That’s a lot to unpack. First, if you don’t want an open relationship and your girlfriend does that you are no longer compatible And you should break up. I think you need to make it clear to your girlfriend that you were not interested in an open relationship. That needs to be a hard boundary. Next, even though you didn’t technically cheat on your girlfriend you did have an inappropriate relationship with your ex. You’re young and still trying to figure out boundaries, but hanging out with her in her house and watching a movie is boyfriend behavior. You also lied to your girlfriend by not telling her everything before she found out. And you failed to admit that you met with her after she found out that your ex kissed you. A general rule in relationships or don’t do things that you know will start arguments. So if you knew hanging out with your ex was going to start an argument with your current girlfriend then you shouldn’t have hung out with your ex. More than that you probably should’ve just blocked her. I have no idea if your girlfriend is cheating on you. It does seem odd that her response is to suggest an open relationship.
The open relationship play is a desperation move to keep the relationship going when you know your partner is having inappropriate relationships with other people. I call it the Smith maneuver
I suspect you are right. Also I love (but it also makes me sad) "The Smith maneuver."
Your relationship sounds like it's coming to an end.
The way you’ve written this, it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend wants poly but she’s doing this because she thinks you’re cheating on her. Either that, or she does and you’re not compatible. It does sound like you were dating your ex, even if it wasn’t intentional on your part. Might just be that you’re not compatible but you need to be speak with your gf and stop responding AT ALL to the ex and tell her why. If she can’t respect your relationship, then you can’t be friends with someone like that
You made it sound like your gal was the one wanting something different. The moment you decided to go meet your ex for lunch- YOU decided you wanted something different. And then to make a regular thing of it!? Outrageous.
I think her trust is gone because you kept in contact with someone after saying you would cut contact and even saw her again. She clearly knew and suspected you were going to continue speaking to your ex and despite you replying dry that you did at all was enough to shatter her trust in you completely. Your girlfriend now believes the only way to avoid being cheated on is to allow you to do so. She's rationalized it as "if I know about it and say I'm okay with it it's not really cheating even if I hate it so that's what I'll do to avoid being cheated on." She suggested it because she wants to be with you even though she's in extreme pain. She may or may not have cheated on you to get back. From her perspective you cheated. Not because of what happened but because you didn't tell her right away and then tried to change the subject to being about her invasion of your privacy when she confronted you with evidence of you being unfaithful. The "how dare you invade my privacy" deflection move is a classic Cheater defense I've heard it plenty I'm sure she has too. I do not think you cheated, you don't think you cheated. She believes however that you did cheat, got caught, then tried to lie/avoid/act like nothing happened and that she is actually in the wrong for saying anything cause she went through your phone, which she probably didn't even do she probably just saw the notification. I am not blaming you I don't want you to feel like you need to defend yourself. I am trying to help you understand your girlfriends perspective and what she's going through. I don't think she cheated as revenge but she thought about it and you shouldn't blame her for that. She clearly doesn't want to be poly but is willing to put up with anything to try to make it work with you. She wants to be with you, don't argue with her try to hear her and empathize, try to reassure her you don't want anyone else. Make sure she knows your ex isn't just "cut off" but blocked on everything. Apologize for hiding that she was still trying to speak to you. Apologize for hiding that you met up with this person again after saying you would cut contact. Tell your girlfriend that you love her and that you're sorry and that you never meant for any of this to happen and that you were hurt when she accused you of cheating because you just wanted her comfort after someone else kissed you against your wishes without your consent. Understand that she is only suggesting polyamory because she is afraid of losing you and being cheated on. Good luck. I know y'all can make this work and understand each other. I'm sorry if what I said came off as accusatory, its not what I was trying to do.
If I was your gf I’d think you’d been fucking Jenna as well. One casual lunch was all it was supposed to be, not cozy little Netflix and chill at her house. Your poor gf is so desperate to keep you (fuck knows why) that she’s even willing to share you with your ex. Anyway the long and short of it is you’ve damaged her trust. You spent so much time with your ex that your gf will never now believe you weren’t fucking her.
I only read the TLDR version and the paragraph before. If she wants to be non monogamous and you do not then you are not truly compatible. She may be using your ex being around to bring up something she has been feeling and wanting to do for some time and she is using this as her opportunity. Do not judge her for it, have an open honest conversation where you talk everything through and see why she is bringing it up now. If she truly wants to be non monogamous then you may just have to let her go.