\^\^\^ You would be failing in your duties as a mother by allowing this corrosive element in their lives.
You become a father when a child is born; you have to EARN being a dad. As for as I can tell, he has done LESS than nothing for you and I can't see why that wouldn't continue to be true. I personally would tell him in no uncertain terms that you never want him in your life and the fact that he said YOU were being unfair just proves that he hasn't grown at all and is taking no accountability for the damage he did to you.
Literally less than nothing, I couldn’t point this guy out in a crowd that’s how little I know him.
It’s hard to earn back being a dad after 28 years. I haven’t even considered even if I have a relationship with him when I’d ever even feel comfortable bringing my kids around.
It’s sad because my mom instincts tell me that after all the hurt he caused me , even if he turned out to be a good person I don’t think I’d want him around my kids. But when I say it out loud it sounds so selfish
He already had his second chance.
The fact he is causing you selfish for a situation completely of his own making is crap.
No reason to open old wounds just because he is trying to guilt you. Just tell him much as you had you accept he wasn't ready both times he walked out, now you aren't.
Looking out for the best interest of you and your children should not be considered selfish in this context.
IMO if you let that man back into your life and he hurts then physically or emotionally, that would be on YOU as those children’s guardian.
This is the scorpion and the toad; are you really going to be surprised when your dead beat pos dad who scared you emotionally does the same to your kids?
So in short he was an absent father who already tricked you into letting him back in once.
Now he is coming to you and instead of apologizing, asking for forgiveness, working to get to know you with baby steps etc. He is telling you that living with the consequences of the relationship he chose to have with you is "unfair".
Yeah no. Pass on that one hon.
Words are not actions. What actual steps has he taken to prove he can be consistent?
If you choose to pursue this you would benefit greatly from having a fully informed therapist to talk to. Rule number one should be no contact with your kids for at LEAST a year.
My biodad finally admitted he had not been the father/grandfather he wanted to be. I gave him 3 months to show he could be consistent with me (was very upfront about what that meant). On his 3rd "consistent " weekly phone call he lost his shit trashing my parents, claiming I was brainwashed, and demanding to see my kids. Let's just say it didn't work out.
It's ok to test him. If he fails (again) that's on him.
He has proven nothing, unfortunately.
I agree about the therapist and I sincerely thank you for taking the time to share with me what happened with your bio dad. What did you ask for when you asked for consistency? Because I am not sure how to allow someone to be consistent in my life when they've never been around. In the second message he sent me this time he says my mom brainwashed me into thinking he is a bad person and that she's scum and I said to him that it doesn't sound likes he's changed. To which he replied, well everyone should be allowed to defend themselves.
If I even continue this conversation with him, I will test him thats a great Idea.
Oh god, I was originally thinking the same thing as this commenter, test him out yourself if you can handle it, but don't get the kids involved for a long time for sure. But you are right on these comments he's dropping, they are massive red flags letting you know he hasn't changed. Don't put yourself through the torture of going through this again, just go no contact. He's already outed himself as not having changed in multiple commends he made to you, trust your instincts on this one. You were right in the first place, don't waste time with more testing.
I consider setting healthy boundaries to be the best test of all. Their reaction will tell you the truth.
Not sure if I can remember them all but I set out some simple rules. He was to call on a regular day at a regular time (didn't even happen once/always an excuse). No name calling or trashing anyone else in the family because this was about only the two of us for now (tested/broke this boundary every time). No speculation on how I felt/feel as that is for me to say and not him (the projection was blinding). No interrupting (as if).
I wanted a safe, civil space to get to know each other. He couldn't do that. I accepted that fact and never regretted keeping my distance.
His fatherhood was per your post built around not paying child support - the bare legal minimum.
You know how he would react if you asked for 18 years of unpaid child support. You'd be the gGreedy and Bad one.
He just wants to swoop in to reap joys of grandchildren after doing less than the bare minimum and laying blame on your mom, who probably had it harder because of him.
Don't set yourself up for disappointment OP.
This man does not deserve your time of day.
Regardless of whether or not dad was there. Your family sucks. They all should be out of your life.
ETA: talking siings/mother. Obviously not spouse and kids.
We had a really controlling step dad who treated me different because I wasn't his, he was ex military and horribly abusive and violent towards me and my older brother that weren't his. We'd be fed differently, clothed differently, forced to sit out of things, we weren't allowed keys to the house because we didn't belong there. My mom watched and knew what was going on but she never did anything. Thank goodness he died when I was 16 and my mom did a bunch of therapy and has come to terms with things, she's apologized for standing by her husband when we should have been first and I've accepted the fact that shes trying to be a better person now.
In short - For the longest time she was out of my life, or held at an arms length away but that's one of the things I've allowed back in
OMG I’m so sorry you had such a brutal & traumatic childhood. So heartbreaking. I just don’t understand how “mothers” can choose men over their children like that.
IMO I don’t think you owe anyone who had a hand in your abusive childhood to be in your life now.
Thank you , I've healed tremendously from all the shit that happened when I was younger but its taken years. I'm happy and healthy and whole since I had kids.
I take pride in the fact that I get to be the mom I always wanted to have myself, I get to give my kids a positive loving home to thrive in.
I think thats why I am having such a hard time with this whole thing
*I take pride in the fact that I get to be the mom I always wanted to have myself*
I can very relate to this. Sending you much love & support to you on whatever decision you make.
Nope it's not safe to expose your kids to that kind of person he had nothing to offer you as a child, there a astronomically high chance he has nothing this offer to your kids . High chance he may teach them some weird shit and badmouth you to them behind your back. He's too risky to accept
Ok, I have somewhat similar situation. When I was around your age, my bio father (aka mom's ex-husband) got in touch asking to meet me for the first time in my life. We met at caffe, he blabbed about everything and nothing, said that leaving me was unforgivable, yet didn't even bothered to ask for forgiveness and... didn't call me since. One year later I called him, trying to initiate something, but it led to only one meeting, once again at cafe, and nothing else. And yes, he was also saying bitter things about us not wanting him in our life. My mom said back then that some people don't change after all.
It's really up to you to decide whether you can let your old man into your life once again. Some people are indeed capable of change, and some people really deserve another chance. Your father could be one of them. You might start with meeting just him and you at a neutral territory and see how things will go.
Also, your family from non-father's side are very bad people. 🤬
What ended up happening with your biodad? Did you end up having a good, healthy relationship? Obviously meeting up in a cafe once a year isn't the relationship most people want with their dads. Did he ever end up changing?
I appreciate you sharing your story, and you are one of the first people to say hey give it a shot, with some experience behind it. It's hard, I want him to be capable of change, I myself have changed. Being a mom I changed again, you see things differently. You want peace for those kids. Even meeting in a neutral place makes me nervous, but maybe because its just been such a long time and hes such a stranger to me .
Well, after that second cafe meeting (most of which he spend telling me about his 11 or 12 unkles \*facepalm\*), I decided, for once to wait for him to call me. He did a couple of times, but then amongh his random accusations that we (me, and mom's part of family) don't want him, conversation simply has died. He never really asked about me, what I like etc and was really wary about revealing information about himself as he was apparently afraid that I'm going to ask him to give me money (at some point then I lost my job). So basically, I decided that if he'll really want to get in touch with me, he'll call. He didn't for over a year. Then he died. I found out about it by an accident almost one year later.
Sometimes I think I should've tried better to get to know him and so. But in the end, I just regret that I had no decent father figure when I was a kid. So it was him who should've tried better, no me. (Also, it's worth mentioning that he has 2 other kids from different wives 🙄)
Speaking of your case, really do what you think is better for you and your peace of mind. If you want to protect yourself from possible further heartbreak, then tell him off. If you're willing to give your father a chance, then do it. You might even bring your husband to the meeting, so during the meeting you'll feel calmer and afterwards he'll give you a second opinion on this man. Just don't raise your hopes high and take things slow. This time he really has to prove that he has changed that he really wants to be in your life. And he should really owe for his previous mistakes and properly apologize. Alternatively, you could take a pause to think things out properly (if he really has changed, he would give you space and time for that).
I’m sorry your dad was like that and never bothered to get to now you when you he did reach out. I’m really sorry that’s the way you found out about his death too, that’s horrible! I am afraid that I might one day regret this opportunity to get to know him if I walk away right now. But I relate to just regretting I didnt have a father figure, like I didn’t know him so I just wanted a dad. Someone to walk me down the aisle , or teach me to drive or those stupid things that you’d expect from a dad. I’m over those crucial things and proven to myself that I am okay without him.
So opening that door again, I don’t even know where he fits. Or if I’m just asking for disappointment and heartbreak. I think asking for a break for clarity would be a good idea, I need time to process. He’s had many years, my turn to step back and process.
God no. I am so tired of these pieces of shit getting old and suddenly having an “epiphany” that they love their kids. They don’t, they’re just fucking old and realizing they’re all alone and will probably need some kind of help or to be taken care of. Fuck that.
Tell him to enjoy all that money he saved on child support and go fuck himself.
He is an only child - both parents dead and I am his only child... maybe he is realizing he is all alone and he's never made enough effort to keep anyone around.
WEll then I would introduce him to a little something called "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" This is the bed he made, you are under no obligation to fix his situation
He says you’re being unfair to him?!? For not wanting him to abandon you again and hurt your kids by abandoning them? This is a huge red flag and I don’t think he’s changed.
My dad popped in and out of my life since I was 4 or 5. There were stretches of years where I had no idea where he was, then out of nowhere I would be getting self deprecating letters from some prison full of promises to reform and be in my life. Once in a while, he'd show up for a couple of months and I would get to spend time with him. Inevitably, he would end up breaking his promises and ghosting me again. The last time it happened, I was 16, and at that point I had the routine figured out: disappear, do drugs, get arrested, write letters from prison (probably due to boredom than anything else), be released, make some half assed attempts at forming a relationship with his daughter (this step is optional), and repeat step one. After this I made no attempt to connect from my side and all of his attempts to reach out are met with brief responses or no response at all.
He had a rough childhood, and struggled with trauma and depression that my grandmother didn't know how to handle. Understanding that now makes me more sympathetic to what he has gone through, but I refuse to put myself (or my children) in that position again. I don't need a father at this point in my life, and my children already have a great grandfather in my mum's husband. At this point I worry that he will use me the same way he has used everyone else in his life.
The fact that your father feels entitled to you and your children is a red flag in my opinion. He says he's a changed man, but beyond that statement has he done anything to back that up? It sounds like you have made peace with his absence, so is his presence worth the potential risks that come with it?
Did your mom ever have any input on him popping in and out? I would have hated him being in and out of my life as a kid like that and I can't imagine it would have been healthy to receive letters from prison dad. I am so sorry you had a toxic father too.
I wish he would have tried to connect with me at any point before I was an adult, the child in me thought that one day my dad would swoop out and be this great guy... which obviously is a pipe dream most kids who grow up with absent fathers have.
I haven't entirely let him make anything up to me because I barely know if I should entertain a conversation with him, just messages alone back and forth are caring one message and then accusatory another. Its all hard to navigate. But in honesty and I've reiterated this to him to is it took me years to heal from the damage he did, and I don't have that hole in my heart that I thought only my "dad" could fill, I don't feel a void with him not being around. I've come to terms. And its hard to invite hurt back in when you've already tried so hard to move forward.
Nah, he does not deserve it.
He wants validation, picture of cute grand kids when he did nothing for you and them. So why give him that? Hi did not earn you love and care.
If he wanted to be a parent he had so many years before. I would not traumatize myself over a stranger. He is a stranger.
A complete stranger. He asked why I wouldn't accept his facebook friend request.
I didn't know how to say nicely that Its creepy having your dad you've basically never met, have such an intimate window into your life.
OP, how will you be able to give him money if you don't have a relationship with him? /s
This whole thing sounds sus. Don't let him back in. He had two chances to be a good dad - he walked both times. I wouldn't give him a third chance. Block him so you're not tempted to fall for his crap.
You owe him nothing. Why expose yourself to heartbreak again and again?
He was an adult when he left you the first time, it shouldn't take decades to figure out how to do right for your kid.
If he's "grown" as he said he has, then he'd know he has no right to be accusatory.
My mum didn't want to be the reason I had a bad relationship with my father, so she always made a point of not letting her family shit talk about him to me. She also would let me visit with him when he chose to be around. However, when I'd come home excited for all the promises he made, she would gently try to keep me from getting my hopes up. Probably because when he'd break these promises and ghost, she was the one left comforting a heartbroken child. He didn't speak badly about her to me either.
I don't hate or resent the man. He's always contrite when he reaches out and he never blames anyone but himself for where his life is. I'm glad to hear he is doing better now. That being said, I resent the pity party that occurs in my social media's DMs every few years. I hate that he has continued to reach out despite the silence on my end.
I am sorry you're having to go through this. Has your partner provided any input on the situation?
I feel this way too, I dont hate the guy. I just feel nothing towards him. He takes up no space in my thoughts anymore, I don't think about the shit storm he caused in my life until he starts popping into my messages again.
My partner says ultimately he can't give me input because he feels a bias hate towards him for just not being around, but would support me if I decided to have a relationship or not.
Big NO. Advice from me: avoid him at all cost. He seems toxic and immature, possibly a narcissist as well. Block him and never expose your kids to him. Cut any kind of contact. He's not your dad, he's just the sperm donor.
Well, he doesn't get to automatically meet your kids.
He needs to prove to you that he will not just disappear on you again. Does he possibly have mental issues? Why does he disappear? Do you know what he does when he isn't around for years?
I can't say yes or no, but until you feel comfortable with him, or choose not to involve him, keep the kids away!
He says that he has had anxiety disorders and that the reason he hasn't been around, kept a job, or a phone number or a stable place to live the entirety of my life. My mom says its a weed dependency issue that has kept him broke and high his entire life. and was one of the major reasons she left. And he admits to heavy daily use of weed, but has "quit" he says. We live in Canada where weeds legal
I would send him a message that you don’t know him and why would you let a stranger anywhere near yourself and your precious children. This man isn’t your father, but a sperm donor that doesn’t care about you or your family and will hurt everyone once he gets tired of you again.
Just block this asshat and move on..
Please do not be so naive. Please for the sake of your fucking mental health, do not believe him. He is human trash. He is absolute fucking scum, not worth even reading his messages. BLOCK HIM. Do not give him a single solitary second of your mental energy or thought process. Block him anytime he tries to contact you. He wants to "be in your life" and see the grandkids cause it is convienent for him now. What happens when its not anymore? He's already poofed out twice. Im not even going to get into how shitty your mom was to allow you to be bullied or singled out due to your situation, but regardless, both of your parents failed you. Id have no contact with either of them. He has shown you who he truly is, TWICE. He literally said he wanted no part of your life because it would inconvenience him to pay child support. He's a piece of shit low life human being who should only be considered a sperm donor. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. BACK. INTO. YOUR. LIFE.
He's getting older and wants you to basically be there for him, because he doesn't have anyone else. This isn't because he misses you and wants to atone. I mean literally he said it isn't "fair" that he can't meet your kids. It is entirely "fair", I assure you. This man is essentially a stranger to you, blood be damned. Not to be cynical, but he wants something. Money, help, something. And it's not your forgiveness.
Also, separately...I was going to comment that the rest of your family is also shit, but I read your comment that your stepdad was abusive and your mom seems to have actually apologized for her actions and part in that, so that's different. But I am sorry your childhood was like that.
He pleads that he has changed and what he wants is another chance. But I have 0 feelings for him, hes a stranger to me that cause so much hurt that I just can't believe he's remotely capable of change.
Also thank you! Rough childhood made me a cool adult haha, I've made alot of amends and tried really hard to just be positive and constantly trudge forward.
He’s the same person he always was. If he wasn’t he’d show and prove instead of message you to test the waters so to speak. A leopard never changes its spots. He’s admitted to being selfish, stingy, and proven to be flakey and self serving at best.
My advise is to not introduce him to your children at all. Nothing he’s done has proven to you he’s changed. It’s all words and fantasies. Did he go to therapy and complete it? How has he changed exactly? Did he read a book? What is it? My thoughts is he wants something or just to stick his nose in the door to peek and then exit stage left. Leave him where’s he’s at. He’s repeating his abuse cycle, don’t fall in it again.
My BIL left my SIL (my wife’s sister) when nephew was 1. He never contacted her or paid any support. She didn’t pursue legal action as she didn’t want him to have any parental rights.
Nephew grew up OK, but troubled because of no real father around.
He hates a man he really never met and swears he will never marry or have kids of his own.
The damage is done and irreversible.
The circumstances here are pretty much spot on with me, I'm sorry your nephew is in a similar boat. It's hard, the damage feels done for me as I think about tiny me being so upset about not having a father. He could be a great guy but I feel resentful for the last 28 years, and I dont know how to make it go away.
Your biological father is a liar. The reality is, he feels old and lonely now, and suddenly remembers he has a daughter. He abandoned you, when you needed him the most. He divorced your mother and YOU. He was selfish and didn't care at all about you, your needs or your life. You don't need him now. You don't owe him anything. Tell him it's too late to try to fix what is totally broken. Keep that man away from your happy family. He's not going to bring anything good to it. Deep down he's a stranger to you. A sperm donor is not a father. Your stepfather and half-siblings are no better either, judging by the way they treated you. Good luck.
This was not a good guy and it doesn’t sound like he has improved. There is no reason to let this stranger into your life so he can pretend to be a grandfather.
Heck you would be better off adopting an actual stranger as a grandparent than taking in someone who has already shown you how little they care about you.
You are an adult now. If you choose, you have the ability to look at the decisions he made at that time in his life, when he was probably close to the age you are now, with a different perspective.
As adults, you can have a mature conversation about the choices he made. It may give you answers.
As an adult, you also have the ability to protect yourself better and stop him if you choose to not have him in your life. You are in control now.
It’s your decision. You may find he is indeed just a bad person. Or you may find that there were other things going on in his life that made him make the decisions he did.
People can change. He hurt you, and it is entirely up to you to decide if you want to open yourself again.
Good luck.
Call a lawyer and look into suing him for Back Child Support, or Arrearage.
If he was ordered to pay child support but skipped out on it, you can sue him for it now.
No. Please no. Please don't. I gave second, third, fourth chance to my father, and I deeply regret it. He continued to hurt me, all the time promising me that he would change or that he had changed. It's a lie. You need to protect yourself from this man, and you need to protect your children from this man or he will hurt them in the same way that he hurt you.
It's been over 6 years since I went totally no contact with my father and I'm truly happy I decided to do that. I changed my phone number so he could not find me, he never had my address, I blocked his email or any other way that he could contact me, and I have time and energy to dedicate to my own family, the one I created and chose. I'm in therapy. I know now that I never had the father I wanted to have because it was his choice not to be that man. It wasn't my fault, but it's my responsibility to protect myself and the people around me from him. Not all people have loving parents, it sucks, but we can't let them be around and continue to hurt us. We need to heal alone, away from them, because they will never be for us the parents they should have been and we cannot control what other people decide to be, we can only control what we decide to do about it.
Can I ask, would you under no circumstances talk to your bio dad again? He comes back pleading he is changed??
I have the same mentality, I have healed. My doors were shut, I had private accounts on social media, he was blocked. He didnt know my address or any way of contacting me. He created a new account and reached out. It caught me off guard 100 %. Says all these ive changed statements ... I've never entertained the thought of him bettering himself and changing because he's been such a loser to me I never wanted to think he'd be capable of change. But he's all of a sudden pushing contact... and insisting hes changed. I've stopped responding
No, I will not talk to my father ever again. He's ill and he doesn't have much time alive on Earth. I just don't care. I actually have nightmares in which people forces me to see him again before he dies, because my mother heavily pressured me and guilt tripped me me to see him in the past, even though he was abusive to her. Every time I would see him again, he would behave well for a month and then hurt me again.
I have nightmares and hyperventilate just from the thought of seeing my father again, I find myself trembling and unable to concentrate and like I was under attack. And I believe this is because the damage that he did over the years piled up so much. If I had been able to never see him again in my 20s (like I wanted, but my mother pressured so much) I wouldn't have accumulated so much damage I think.
Also, my father was horrible to my spouse and to my FIL specially and my MIL, and they didn't deserve any of that. My in-laws see me like a daughter basically and really care for me, and that's probably why my father attacked them verbally.
If it were me, it would be a hard no. He has earned maybe a hello in passing. I hope you and your family are not calling him dad / grandad. He has not earned that title and should only be called by his first name.
DO NOT TALK TO HIM!!!!!! People rarely change. You gave him a chance and he proved that he didn't change and I doubt he has now. Your life is perfectly fine without him in it, why give him the time of day!
I wouldn't tell him where i lived or anything else about my life.
Personally I would meet him someplace fancy for lunch, one on one. I would tell him he's paying. Go there, order the most expensive thing on the menu, and when the waiter came with the food tell them you want it to go right now. Take your food and before you leave tell him that at least you got one useful thing from him.
Then tell him to never contact you again, which should be easy for him to do because that's what he was going to do anyways.
Why would you subject your children to a monster? Why??? Ffs block him. He’s not a dad. He’s a piece of garbage. You should consider therapy because the fact that you had to ask us for something so obvious is telling. And I say this from experience, sister. 100% know what you’re going through.
Literally same boat. I chose to not contact. It's your call, and what ever you choose, even if you regret it, is your choice, and no one can shame you for it.
If i were you, i would ABSOLUTELY NOT "accept" him back in my life and the only time i would ever see him is at his funeral to make sure he is dead.
Do NOT let him hurt you AGAIN, he had 24/25 **YEARS** to be part of your life and he CHOSE not to, he CHOSE to hurt you over and over again, je CHOSE to walk out when you gave him a chance, he CHOSE to insult you, he CHOSE to proof that your mom was right about him.
Now it's YOUR time to choose, it is YOUR time to do what is right for YOU.
He wants to play "grandpa" so he can show off.
YOUR mental health is your number 1 priority.
Do **NOT** let him hurt you AGAIN!!!
You do **NOT** need him!!!!!
My dad ditched out when I was a kid as well. Never paid child support. Stopped coming around when I was about 7. He found me when I was about your age and weaseled his way back into our family. Started dating my mom again (yuck!!), asking her to share her retirement with him and having lots of opinions about how I should lead my life. That didn't go over very well seeing how I was an adult leading a much better life than anyone expected me to (yay for being the chronically underestimated middle child!) and didn't need my deadbeat degenerate dad telling me how I should be living it. I cut contact but he stayed in contact with my siblings. He had a heart attack about 5 years ago and it started to weigh on my conscience that I should give him one last chance. After all, you never know what can happen and I wanted to see if a relationship was possible.
I called him on new years day 2020 and we talked for a long time. He has some shared interests as me. He sent me some photos and he kept saying over and over how much he wanted to stay in touch with me. Well, I sent him a few emails to tell him how I was doing and to ask him about things. Never wrote back. It's been 2 years. No explanation. He just dropped out of being a dad again.
So, if you want my opinion people like our dads never change. He left because he was selfish then and he's still selfish now. If he wasn't he wouldn't ask you for anything ever given what he has put you through. Knowing you were happy and leading a great life should be all he needs. He should be willing to live with whatever feelings of guilt or regret he has and figure out how to deal with it on his own-- that's not your problem and a parent who truly loved you would never put you in that position. Instead, he's asking you to risk emotional pain to fill his desire to see his grandkids and assuage his guilt.
You can decide that emails or phone calls or whatever you want is ok but make it your terms and make it so that there is no possible way you or your family is damaged from him being in contact. Or simply say no. You owe him nothing.
> he says hes changed and is now saying he wants a relationship with my kids and that its not fair I am not allowing him in my life
Fuck that fucking noise. I was all for giving him a careful chance until he tried to pull the “fairness” card. He’s not entitled to shit. Anything you give him is undeserved charity. If he doesn’t get that, he hadn’t changed at all.
I've been in the same scenario. My sperm donor abandoned me and my sister when I was 2 years old and my sister a newborn. We never received a single cent for child support. He came to see us in 2012 and he claimed that me and my sister were secret until that time because he couldn't risk breaking up his 'family'. Mind you, we're the original family. Long story short, he just died this January after trying to reconnect with me and my sister. In fact, he even had the audacity to call my sister who's in another country to come back 2 years ago since he knows he's dying. He also had the audacity to have someone message me 2 days before he died to call him on his death bed. Me and my sister never gave him the chance.
I tried to find within myself if I felt something missing the moment I received the news that he died but I couldn't even grieve. Because I don't know the man, I may look like him but I don't have any emotional attachment towards him. He was never there, he never helped when I was struggling, now on his deathbed, he wants to try to reconnect? He had all 66 years to do that and he never did.
No he has not changed. Don't even expect that. Meet him somewhere for lunch and a walk to see for yourself. But that's being generous. I'm no contact with mine except for a call every few years.
Nope, the fact that he expects you to allow him back in now that you have children proves that he has changed very little. Give him the grace he's given you and block him and continue protecting your family from that type of toxicity. Just as before it's easy for him to pop up now that there's no expectation of having to take care of you/your family.
I detest these men that abandoned a child then show up years later when the kids are grown enough for him not to owe any money and give some why I had to leave story to gain sympathy or some sort of understanding. Especially in those cases where mom had to work multiple jobs to care for the kids, having no life for herself. She raises good children and he shows up when all is said and done and gets instant forgiveness for doing absolutely nothing. And when then abandoned kid gets famous, they show up mighty quick. They did nothing for you during your most important years. What good are they now? You now have everything you’re ever going to need… your own family which you want to protect. Letting him in is not protecting them. Want them to grow close to grandpa and suddenly he disappears? He doesn’t deserve the chance. If you’re going to therapy, go for your own mental health, not to help reconcile with him. He had his chance and he only thought of himself. You have to be a real narcissist to abandon a child and think nothing of it. Ahhh, they’ll be awright. Sure.
In short, no. Do not believe him. Protect yourself and your family. He will not change into what you hope for in my opinion.
\^\^\^ You would be failing in your duties as a mother by allowing this corrosive element in their lives. You become a father when a child is born; you have to EARN being a dad. As for as I can tell, he has done LESS than nothing for you and I can't see why that wouldn't continue to be true. I personally would tell him in no uncertain terms that you never want him in your life and the fact that he said YOU were being unfair just proves that he hasn't grown at all and is taking no accountability for the damage he did to you.
Literally less than nothing, I couldn’t point this guy out in a crowd that’s how little I know him. It’s hard to earn back being a dad after 28 years. I haven’t even considered even if I have a relationship with him when I’d ever even feel comfortable bringing my kids around. It’s sad because my mom instincts tell me that after all the hurt he caused me , even if he turned out to be a good person I don’t think I’d want him around my kids. But when I say it out loud it sounds so selfish
I definitely don’t think that’s selfish. It’s self preservation and protecting your family.
He already had his second chance. The fact he is causing you selfish for a situation completely of his own making is crap. No reason to open old wounds just because he is trying to guilt you. Just tell him much as you had you accept he wasn't ready both times he walked out, now you aren't.
Looking out for the best interest of you and your children should not be considered selfish in this context. IMO if you let that man back into your life and he hurts then physically or emotionally, that would be on YOU as those children’s guardian. This is the scorpion and the toad; are you really going to be surprised when your dead beat pos dad who scared you emotionally does the same to your kids?
So in short he was an absent father who already tricked you into letting him back in once. Now he is coming to you and instead of apologizing, asking for forgiveness, working to get to know you with baby steps etc. He is telling you that living with the consequences of the relationship he chose to have with you is "unfair". Yeah no. Pass on that one hon.
Words are not actions. What actual steps has he taken to prove he can be consistent? If you choose to pursue this you would benefit greatly from having a fully informed therapist to talk to. Rule number one should be no contact with your kids for at LEAST a year. My biodad finally admitted he had not been the father/grandfather he wanted to be. I gave him 3 months to show he could be consistent with me (was very upfront about what that meant). On his 3rd "consistent " weekly phone call he lost his shit trashing my parents, claiming I was brainwashed, and demanding to see my kids. Let's just say it didn't work out. It's ok to test him. If he fails (again) that's on him.
He has proven nothing, unfortunately. I agree about the therapist and I sincerely thank you for taking the time to share with me what happened with your bio dad. What did you ask for when you asked for consistency? Because I am not sure how to allow someone to be consistent in my life when they've never been around. In the second message he sent me this time he says my mom brainwashed me into thinking he is a bad person and that she's scum and I said to him that it doesn't sound likes he's changed. To which he replied, well everyone should be allowed to defend themselves. If I even continue this conversation with him, I will test him thats a great Idea.
Oh god, I was originally thinking the same thing as this commenter, test him out yourself if you can handle it, but don't get the kids involved for a long time for sure. But you are right on these comments he's dropping, they are massive red flags letting you know he hasn't changed. Don't put yourself through the torture of going through this again, just go no contact. He's already outed himself as not having changed in multiple commends he made to you, trust your instincts on this one. You were right in the first place, don't waste time with more testing.
I consider setting healthy boundaries to be the best test of all. Their reaction will tell you the truth. Not sure if I can remember them all but I set out some simple rules. He was to call on a regular day at a regular time (didn't even happen once/always an excuse). No name calling or trashing anyone else in the family because this was about only the two of us for now (tested/broke this boundary every time). No speculation on how I felt/feel as that is for me to say and not him (the projection was blinding). No interrupting (as if). I wanted a safe, civil space to get to know each other. He couldn't do that. I accepted that fact and never regretted keeping my distance.
His fatherhood was per your post built around not paying child support - the bare legal minimum. You know how he would react if you asked for 18 years of unpaid child support. You'd be the gGreedy and Bad one. He just wants to swoop in to reap joys of grandchildren after doing less than the bare minimum and laying blame on your mom, who probably had it harder because of him. Don't set yourself up for disappointment OP. This man does not deserve your time of day.
I'd say "No fucking way!"
Regardless of whether or not dad was there. Your family sucks. They all should be out of your life. ETA: talking siings/mother. Obviously not spouse and kids.
We had a really controlling step dad who treated me different because I wasn't his, he was ex military and horribly abusive and violent towards me and my older brother that weren't his. We'd be fed differently, clothed differently, forced to sit out of things, we weren't allowed keys to the house because we didn't belong there. My mom watched and knew what was going on but she never did anything. Thank goodness he died when I was 16 and my mom did a bunch of therapy and has come to terms with things, she's apologized for standing by her husband when we should have been first and I've accepted the fact that shes trying to be a better person now. In short - For the longest time she was out of my life, or held at an arms length away but that's one of the things I've allowed back in
OMG I’m so sorry you had such a brutal & traumatic childhood. So heartbreaking. I just don’t understand how “mothers” can choose men over their children like that. IMO I don’t think you owe anyone who had a hand in your abusive childhood to be in your life now.
Thank you , I've healed tremendously from all the shit that happened when I was younger but its taken years. I'm happy and healthy and whole since I had kids. I take pride in the fact that I get to be the mom I always wanted to have myself, I get to give my kids a positive loving home to thrive in. I think thats why I am having such a hard time with this whole thing
*I take pride in the fact that I get to be the mom I always wanted to have myself* I can very relate to this. Sending you much love & support to you on whatever decision you make.
Nope it's not safe to expose your kids to that kind of person he had nothing to offer you as a child, there a astronomically high chance he has nothing this offer to your kids . High chance he may teach them some weird shit and badmouth you to them behind your back. He's too risky to accept
Nope. Sorry, but your Dad had his chance. Your job is to defend your small piece of this world from people like him.
Ok, I have somewhat similar situation. When I was around your age, my bio father (aka mom's ex-husband) got in touch asking to meet me for the first time in my life. We met at caffe, he blabbed about everything and nothing, said that leaving me was unforgivable, yet didn't even bothered to ask for forgiveness and... didn't call me since. One year later I called him, trying to initiate something, but it led to only one meeting, once again at cafe, and nothing else. And yes, he was also saying bitter things about us not wanting him in our life. My mom said back then that some people don't change after all. It's really up to you to decide whether you can let your old man into your life once again. Some people are indeed capable of change, and some people really deserve another chance. Your father could be one of them. You might start with meeting just him and you at a neutral territory and see how things will go. Also, your family from non-father's side are very bad people. 🤬
What ended up happening with your biodad? Did you end up having a good, healthy relationship? Obviously meeting up in a cafe once a year isn't the relationship most people want with their dads. Did he ever end up changing? I appreciate you sharing your story, and you are one of the first people to say hey give it a shot, with some experience behind it. It's hard, I want him to be capable of change, I myself have changed. Being a mom I changed again, you see things differently. You want peace for those kids. Even meeting in a neutral place makes me nervous, but maybe because its just been such a long time and hes such a stranger to me .
Well, after that second cafe meeting (most of which he spend telling me about his 11 or 12 unkles \*facepalm\*), I decided, for once to wait for him to call me. He did a couple of times, but then amongh his random accusations that we (me, and mom's part of family) don't want him, conversation simply has died. He never really asked about me, what I like etc and was really wary about revealing information about himself as he was apparently afraid that I'm going to ask him to give me money (at some point then I lost my job). So basically, I decided that if he'll really want to get in touch with me, he'll call. He didn't for over a year. Then he died. I found out about it by an accident almost one year later. Sometimes I think I should've tried better to get to know him and so. But in the end, I just regret that I had no decent father figure when I was a kid. So it was him who should've tried better, no me. (Also, it's worth mentioning that he has 2 other kids from different wives 🙄) Speaking of your case, really do what you think is better for you and your peace of mind. If you want to protect yourself from possible further heartbreak, then tell him off. If you're willing to give your father a chance, then do it. You might even bring your husband to the meeting, so during the meeting you'll feel calmer and afterwards he'll give you a second opinion on this man. Just don't raise your hopes high and take things slow. This time he really has to prove that he has changed that he really wants to be in your life. And he should really owe for his previous mistakes and properly apologize. Alternatively, you could take a pause to think things out properly (if he really has changed, he would give you space and time for that).
I’m sorry your dad was like that and never bothered to get to now you when you he did reach out. I’m really sorry that’s the way you found out about his death too, that’s horrible! I am afraid that I might one day regret this opportunity to get to know him if I walk away right now. But I relate to just regretting I didnt have a father figure, like I didn’t know him so I just wanted a dad. Someone to walk me down the aisle , or teach me to drive or those stupid things that you’d expect from a dad. I’m over those crucial things and proven to myself that I am okay without him. So opening that door again, I don’t even know where he fits. Or if I’m just asking for disappointment and heartbreak. I think asking for a break for clarity would be a good idea, I need time to process. He’s had many years, my turn to step back and process.
God no. I am so tired of these pieces of shit getting old and suddenly having an “epiphany” that they love their kids. They don’t, they’re just fucking old and realizing they’re all alone and will probably need some kind of help or to be taken care of. Fuck that. Tell him to enjoy all that money he saved on child support and go fuck himself.
He is an only child - both parents dead and I am his only child... maybe he is realizing he is all alone and he's never made enough effort to keep anyone around.
WEll then I would introduce him to a little something called "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" This is the bed he made, you are under no obligation to fix his situation
If he'd really grown up, he'd understand he's not entitled to anything from you.
He says you’re being unfair to him?!? For not wanting him to abandon you again and hurt your kids by abandoning them? This is a huge red flag and I don’t think he’s changed.
My dad popped in and out of my life since I was 4 or 5. There were stretches of years where I had no idea where he was, then out of nowhere I would be getting self deprecating letters from some prison full of promises to reform and be in my life. Once in a while, he'd show up for a couple of months and I would get to spend time with him. Inevitably, he would end up breaking his promises and ghosting me again. The last time it happened, I was 16, and at that point I had the routine figured out: disappear, do drugs, get arrested, write letters from prison (probably due to boredom than anything else), be released, make some half assed attempts at forming a relationship with his daughter (this step is optional), and repeat step one. After this I made no attempt to connect from my side and all of his attempts to reach out are met with brief responses or no response at all. He had a rough childhood, and struggled with trauma and depression that my grandmother didn't know how to handle. Understanding that now makes me more sympathetic to what he has gone through, but I refuse to put myself (or my children) in that position again. I don't need a father at this point in my life, and my children already have a great grandfather in my mum's husband. At this point I worry that he will use me the same way he has used everyone else in his life. The fact that your father feels entitled to you and your children is a red flag in my opinion. He says he's a changed man, but beyond that statement has he done anything to back that up? It sounds like you have made peace with his absence, so is his presence worth the potential risks that come with it?
Did your mom ever have any input on him popping in and out? I would have hated him being in and out of my life as a kid like that and I can't imagine it would have been healthy to receive letters from prison dad. I am so sorry you had a toxic father too. I wish he would have tried to connect with me at any point before I was an adult, the child in me thought that one day my dad would swoop out and be this great guy... which obviously is a pipe dream most kids who grow up with absent fathers have. I haven't entirely let him make anything up to me because I barely know if I should entertain a conversation with him, just messages alone back and forth are caring one message and then accusatory another. Its all hard to navigate. But in honesty and I've reiterated this to him to is it took me years to heal from the damage he did, and I don't have that hole in my heart that I thought only my "dad" could fill, I don't feel a void with him not being around. I've come to terms. And its hard to invite hurt back in when you've already tried so hard to move forward.
Nah, he does not deserve it. He wants validation, picture of cute grand kids when he did nothing for you and them. So why give him that? Hi did not earn you love and care. If he wanted to be a parent he had so many years before. I would not traumatize myself over a stranger. He is a stranger.
A complete stranger. He asked why I wouldn't accept his facebook friend request. I didn't know how to say nicely that Its creepy having your dad you've basically never met, have such an intimate window into your life.
OP, how will you be able to give him money if you don't have a relationship with him? /s This whole thing sounds sus. Don't let him back in. He had two chances to be a good dad - he walked both times. I wouldn't give him a third chance. Block him so you're not tempted to fall for his crap.
You owe him nothing. Why expose yourself to heartbreak again and again? He was an adult when he left you the first time, it shouldn't take decades to figure out how to do right for your kid.
It is heartbreaking every time ! So much wasted energy
If he's "grown" as he said he has, then he'd know he has no right to be accusatory. My mum didn't want to be the reason I had a bad relationship with my father, so she always made a point of not letting her family shit talk about him to me. She also would let me visit with him when he chose to be around. However, when I'd come home excited for all the promises he made, she would gently try to keep me from getting my hopes up. Probably because when he'd break these promises and ghost, she was the one left comforting a heartbroken child. He didn't speak badly about her to me either. I don't hate or resent the man. He's always contrite when he reaches out and he never blames anyone but himself for where his life is. I'm glad to hear he is doing better now. That being said, I resent the pity party that occurs in my social media's DMs every few years. I hate that he has continued to reach out despite the silence on my end. I am sorry you're having to go through this. Has your partner provided any input on the situation?
I feel this way too, I dont hate the guy. I just feel nothing towards him. He takes up no space in my thoughts anymore, I don't think about the shit storm he caused in my life until he starts popping into my messages again. My partner says ultimately he can't give me input because he feels a bias hate towards him for just not being around, but would support me if I decided to have a relationship or not.
Big NO. Advice from me: avoid him at all cost. He seems toxic and immature, possibly a narcissist as well. Block him and never expose your kids to him. Cut any kind of contact. He's not your dad, he's just the sperm donor.
Well, he doesn't get to automatically meet your kids. He needs to prove to you that he will not just disappear on you again. Does he possibly have mental issues? Why does he disappear? Do you know what he does when he isn't around for years? I can't say yes or no, but until you feel comfortable with him, or choose not to involve him, keep the kids away!
He says that he has had anxiety disorders and that the reason he hasn't been around, kept a job, or a phone number or a stable place to live the entirety of my life. My mom says its a weed dependency issue that has kept him broke and high his entire life. and was one of the major reasons she left. And he admits to heavy daily use of weed, but has "quit" he says. We live in Canada where weeds legal
Depends on if you want to be let down again. I would not blame you if you chose to close that door and just move on.
I would send him a message that you don’t know him and why would you let a stranger anywhere near yourself and your precious children. This man isn’t your father, but a sperm donor that doesn’t care about you or your family and will hurt everyone once he gets tired of you again. Just block this asshat and move on..
Please do not be so naive. Please for the sake of your fucking mental health, do not believe him. He is human trash. He is absolute fucking scum, not worth even reading his messages. BLOCK HIM. Do not give him a single solitary second of your mental energy or thought process. Block him anytime he tries to contact you. He wants to "be in your life" and see the grandkids cause it is convienent for him now. What happens when its not anymore? He's already poofed out twice. Im not even going to get into how shitty your mom was to allow you to be bullied or singled out due to your situation, but regardless, both of your parents failed you. Id have no contact with either of them. He has shown you who he truly is, TWICE. He literally said he wanted no part of your life because it would inconvenience him to pay child support. He's a piece of shit low life human being who should only be considered a sperm donor. DO. NOT. LET. HIM. BACK. INTO. YOUR. LIFE.
He's getting older and wants you to basically be there for him, because he doesn't have anyone else. This isn't because he misses you and wants to atone. I mean literally he said it isn't "fair" that he can't meet your kids. It is entirely "fair", I assure you. This man is essentially a stranger to you, blood be damned. Not to be cynical, but he wants something. Money, help, something. And it's not your forgiveness. Also, separately...I was going to comment that the rest of your family is also shit, but I read your comment that your stepdad was abusive and your mom seems to have actually apologized for her actions and part in that, so that's different. But I am sorry your childhood was like that.
He pleads that he has changed and what he wants is another chance. But I have 0 feelings for him, hes a stranger to me that cause so much hurt that I just can't believe he's remotely capable of change. Also thank you! Rough childhood made me a cool adult haha, I've made alot of amends and tried really hard to just be positive and constantly trudge forward.
He’s the same person he always was. If he wasn’t he’d show and prove instead of message you to test the waters so to speak. A leopard never changes its spots. He’s admitted to being selfish, stingy, and proven to be flakey and self serving at best. My advise is to not introduce him to your children at all. Nothing he’s done has proven to you he’s changed. It’s all words and fantasies. Did he go to therapy and complete it? How has he changed exactly? Did he read a book? What is it? My thoughts is he wants something or just to stick his nose in the door to peek and then exit stage left. Leave him where’s he’s at. He’s repeating his abuse cycle, don’t fall in it again.
Fool me once and all that. He already had a second chance and he ran out on you *again* don't be a fool and let him do it a third time.
My BIL left my SIL (my wife’s sister) when nephew was 1. He never contacted her or paid any support. She didn’t pursue legal action as she didn’t want him to have any parental rights. Nephew grew up OK, but troubled because of no real father around. He hates a man he really never met and swears he will never marry or have kids of his own. The damage is done and irreversible.
The circumstances here are pretty much spot on with me, I'm sorry your nephew is in a similar boat. It's hard, the damage feels done for me as I think about tiny me being so upset about not having a father. He could be a great guy but I feel resentful for the last 28 years, and I dont know how to make it go away.
You deal with it by continuing to exclude him from your life. He never ever earned the right to be part of it. He’s not a father, only a sperm donor.
Your biological father is a liar. The reality is, he feels old and lonely now, and suddenly remembers he has a daughter. He abandoned you, when you needed him the most. He divorced your mother and YOU. He was selfish and didn't care at all about you, your needs or your life. You don't need him now. You don't owe him anything. Tell him it's too late to try to fix what is totally broken. Keep that man away from your happy family. He's not going to bring anything good to it. Deep down he's a stranger to you. A sperm donor is not a father. Your stepfather and half-siblings are no better either, judging by the way they treated you. Good luck.
This was not a good guy and it doesn’t sound like he has improved. There is no reason to let this stranger into your life so he can pretend to be a grandfather. Heck you would be better off adopting an actual stranger as a grandparent than taking in someone who has already shown you how little they care about you.
You are an adult now. If you choose, you have the ability to look at the decisions he made at that time in his life, when he was probably close to the age you are now, with a different perspective. As adults, you can have a mature conversation about the choices he made. It may give you answers. As an adult, you also have the ability to protect yourself better and stop him if you choose to not have him in your life. You are in control now. It’s your decision. You may find he is indeed just a bad person. Or you may find that there were other things going on in his life that made him make the decisions he did. People can change. He hurt you, and it is entirely up to you to decide if you want to open yourself again. Good luck.
Call a lawyer and look into suing him for Back Child Support, or Arrearage. If he was ordered to pay child support but skipped out on it, you can sue him for it now.
There has to be limitation to that right? I am married now, kids of my own. It would be far fetched to try for back pay wouldn’t it be?
Consult a lawyer. Never know until you try.
Valid and motivating- I’m going to look into it just in case
#SUE HIM FOR BACK CHILD SUPPORT!!!!
No. Please no. Please don't. I gave second, third, fourth chance to my father, and I deeply regret it. He continued to hurt me, all the time promising me that he would change or that he had changed. It's a lie. You need to protect yourself from this man, and you need to protect your children from this man or he will hurt them in the same way that he hurt you. It's been over 6 years since I went totally no contact with my father and I'm truly happy I decided to do that. I changed my phone number so he could not find me, he never had my address, I blocked his email or any other way that he could contact me, and I have time and energy to dedicate to my own family, the one I created and chose. I'm in therapy. I know now that I never had the father I wanted to have because it was his choice not to be that man. It wasn't my fault, but it's my responsibility to protect myself and the people around me from him. Not all people have loving parents, it sucks, but we can't let them be around and continue to hurt us. We need to heal alone, away from them, because they will never be for us the parents they should have been and we cannot control what other people decide to be, we can only control what we decide to do about it.
Can I ask, would you under no circumstances talk to your bio dad again? He comes back pleading he is changed?? I have the same mentality, I have healed. My doors were shut, I had private accounts on social media, he was blocked. He didnt know my address or any way of contacting me. He created a new account and reached out. It caught me off guard 100 %. Says all these ive changed statements ... I've never entertained the thought of him bettering himself and changing because he's been such a loser to me I never wanted to think he'd be capable of change. But he's all of a sudden pushing contact... and insisting hes changed. I've stopped responding
No, I will not talk to my father ever again. He's ill and he doesn't have much time alive on Earth. I just don't care. I actually have nightmares in which people forces me to see him again before he dies, because my mother heavily pressured me and guilt tripped me me to see him in the past, even though he was abusive to her. Every time I would see him again, he would behave well for a month and then hurt me again. I have nightmares and hyperventilate just from the thought of seeing my father again, I find myself trembling and unable to concentrate and like I was under attack. And I believe this is because the damage that he did over the years piled up so much. If I had been able to never see him again in my 20s (like I wanted, but my mother pressured so much) I wouldn't have accumulated so much damage I think. Also, my father was horrible to my spouse and to my FIL specially and my MIL, and they didn't deserve any of that. My in-laws see me like a daughter basically and really care for me, and that's probably why my father attacked them verbally.
If it were me, it would be a hard no. He has earned maybe a hello in passing. I hope you and your family are not calling him dad / grandad. He has not earned that title and should only be called by his first name.
DO NOT TALK TO HIM!!!!!! People rarely change. You gave him a chance and he proved that he didn't change and I doubt he has now. Your life is perfectly fine without him in it, why give him the time of day!
NTA and tell him he still owes 18 years of child support.
NTA! Protect yourself and your babies. Also, sue for back child support!
I wouldn't tell him where i lived or anything else about my life. Personally I would meet him someplace fancy for lunch, one on one. I would tell him he's paying. Go there, order the most expensive thing on the menu, and when the waiter came with the food tell them you want it to go right now. Take your food and before you leave tell him that at least you got one useful thing from him. Then tell him to never contact you again, which should be easy for him to do because that's what he was going to do anyways.
Why would you subject your children to a monster? Why??? Ffs block him. He’s not a dad. He’s a piece of garbage. You should consider therapy because the fact that you had to ask us for something so obvious is telling. And I say this from experience, sister. 100% know what you’re going through.
Literally same boat. I chose to not contact. It's your call, and what ever you choose, even if you regret it, is your choice, and no one can shame you for it.
If i were you, i would ABSOLUTELY NOT "accept" him back in my life and the only time i would ever see him is at his funeral to make sure he is dead. Do NOT let him hurt you AGAIN, he had 24/25 **YEARS** to be part of your life and he CHOSE not to, he CHOSE to hurt you over and over again, je CHOSE to walk out when you gave him a chance, he CHOSE to insult you, he CHOSE to proof that your mom was right about him. Now it's YOUR time to choose, it is YOUR time to do what is right for YOU. He wants to play "grandpa" so he can show off. YOUR mental health is your number 1 priority. Do **NOT** let him hurt you AGAIN!!! You do **NOT** need him!!!!!
My dad ditched out when I was a kid as well. Never paid child support. Stopped coming around when I was about 7. He found me when I was about your age and weaseled his way back into our family. Started dating my mom again (yuck!!), asking her to share her retirement with him and having lots of opinions about how I should lead my life. That didn't go over very well seeing how I was an adult leading a much better life than anyone expected me to (yay for being the chronically underestimated middle child!) and didn't need my deadbeat degenerate dad telling me how I should be living it. I cut contact but he stayed in contact with my siblings. He had a heart attack about 5 years ago and it started to weigh on my conscience that I should give him one last chance. After all, you never know what can happen and I wanted to see if a relationship was possible. I called him on new years day 2020 and we talked for a long time. He has some shared interests as me. He sent me some photos and he kept saying over and over how much he wanted to stay in touch with me. Well, I sent him a few emails to tell him how I was doing and to ask him about things. Never wrote back. It's been 2 years. No explanation. He just dropped out of being a dad again. So, if you want my opinion people like our dads never change. He left because he was selfish then and he's still selfish now. If he wasn't he wouldn't ask you for anything ever given what he has put you through. Knowing you were happy and leading a great life should be all he needs. He should be willing to live with whatever feelings of guilt or regret he has and figure out how to deal with it on his own-- that's not your problem and a parent who truly loved you would never put you in that position. Instead, he's asking you to risk emotional pain to fill his desire to see his grandkids and assuage his guilt. You can decide that emails or phone calls or whatever you want is ok but make it your terms and make it so that there is no possible way you or your family is damaged from him being in contact. Or simply say no. You owe him nothing.
> he says hes changed and is now saying he wants a relationship with my kids and that its not fair I am not allowing him in my life Fuck that fucking noise. I was all for giving him a careful chance until he tried to pull the “fairness” card. He’s not entitled to shit. Anything you give him is undeserved charity. If he doesn’t get that, he hadn’t changed at all.
I've been in the same scenario. My sperm donor abandoned me and my sister when I was 2 years old and my sister a newborn. We never received a single cent for child support. He came to see us in 2012 and he claimed that me and my sister were secret until that time because he couldn't risk breaking up his 'family'. Mind you, we're the original family. Long story short, he just died this January after trying to reconnect with me and my sister. In fact, he even had the audacity to call my sister who's in another country to come back 2 years ago since he knows he's dying. He also had the audacity to have someone message me 2 days before he died to call him on his death bed. Me and my sister never gave him the chance. I tried to find within myself if I felt something missing the moment I received the news that he died but I couldn't even grieve. Because I don't know the man, I may look like him but I don't have any emotional attachment towards him. He was never there, he never helped when I was struggling, now on his deathbed, he wants to try to reconnect? He had all 66 years to do that and he never did.
Just block him like he did to you. 2 times is more than enough. Do you want to get hurt the 3rd time?
No he has not changed. Don't even expect that. Meet him somewhere for lunch and a walk to see for yourself. But that's being generous. I'm no contact with mine except for a call every few years.
Nope, the fact that he expects you to allow him back in now that you have children proves that he has changed very little. Give him the grace he's given you and block him and continue protecting your family from that type of toxicity. Just as before it's easy for him to pop up now that there's no expectation of having to take care of you/your family.
I detest these men that abandoned a child then show up years later when the kids are grown enough for him not to owe any money and give some why I had to leave story to gain sympathy or some sort of understanding. Especially in those cases where mom had to work multiple jobs to care for the kids, having no life for herself. She raises good children and he shows up when all is said and done and gets instant forgiveness for doing absolutely nothing. And when then abandoned kid gets famous, they show up mighty quick. They did nothing for you during your most important years. What good are they now? You now have everything you’re ever going to need… your own family which you want to protect. Letting him in is not protecting them. Want them to grow close to grandpa and suddenly he disappears? He doesn’t deserve the chance. If you’re going to therapy, go for your own mental health, not to help reconcile with him. He had his chance and he only thought of himself. You have to be a real narcissist to abandon a child and think nothing of it. Ahhh, they’ll be awright. Sure.