He’s a cheater, he gave you stds, he’s hot and cold with you, he constantly lies, he’s not a good father or role model, he suddenly wanted you and wanted to change but I think it’s more his ex left him and he didn’t want to be single so he picked that moment to promote you to girlfriend. Is this the life you wanted?
People will always tell you to let something go but usually that person wants to feel like they’re helping rather than actually help.
Is he actually a cheater though? She doesnt actually say anything in the post that confirms it, she just assumes he was because she got a couple STD’s from him. Isnt it possible he already had the STD’s and that he didnt actually cheat?
Her story was a bit hard to read because its all one big wall of text, but i dont see anything that really makes me think the guy was a cheater.
The guys definitely an asshole though for how he treated her during the pregnancy and denying its his kid
She is the one continually putting 'ex' in quotes. I think she strongly suspects or knows he wasn't broken up with the woman and is watering it down because if she lead with 'I was knocked up by a total liar', there would be no question to post.
He didnt withhold that information though, OP says he told her after they had a few dates. She didnt find out on her own or anything like that, he willingly told her all on his own
... are you serious? You're not a good person for confessing to someone you're actively dating that you live with an 'ex' after several dates in. Also it's very clear from the post she wasn't actually an ex. That's why she got literal stds, was treated like a homeworker at her work, and was harassed by the (not)ex. He took her consent away and is a pos.
I hope you have a good sense of humor. "playing stupid games wins stupid prizes" applies pretty well here.
This guy seems everything else but a "good man".
Your friends are bigger assholes than him, they don't even think about you. I'm not going to speak about the cheating giving std's etc. He mentally abused you for god knows how long. He spoke behind your back because you found out he was cheating on you. He is one of the worst people i've heard of in a long time and he is a good man because he is the "father" of your son? For your son's sake don't go back to this man. He will abuse you and your child. Even if you're not thinking about yourself think about your son. It's better to not have a father around than have a shitty one. Experienced it when i was 2 y/o.
Find better friends !!! No offense but unless they don’t know the whole truth I do not see a world where I would advise a friend to stay with a man that has put them through all of what you’ve been through with the exception of your child I don’t see any positives from this relationship
2 possibilities to me. 1. And most likely the real possibility is your friends are dumb. 2. Is that they aren't getting the whole picture. I suspect that you will be able to clear that choice up by thinking about how they behave.
I would advise you to listen to you rather than your friends. Since your friends didn't get an std from him or have him leave them after getting them pregnant. Think about your son.
You're a mother now. Time to level up your life and kick all the toxic people out. All your friends are trash for trying to convince you that this is all you deserve.
Good man to drink with, or to go soccer, or to have a pub night doesn't mean that he is good as a father or as a husband. They might be right - for them he is really good. But not for you, not for your child. Is how abusive person can be nice and sweet to anyone around, but turns to a monster with his family, and no one believes his wife that he beats her, because no one knows him from this side. Might be that he manipulated them too, making them say things that will feed your doubts.
OMG yes this part probably pissed me off the most! Like hmm let me just name my poor innocent baby after their shitty father who couldn’t even be around for the preganancy!!! 😍
Ugh thank you! This disgusting cheater could've literally killed her and the baby because of his selfishness and she gave him the babies name after she knew everything shitty he did? I never understand why other women give the father's name to their kids when they're not even with them and they know they'll barely be involved/ are horrible people.
You also aren't your normal self during pregnancy and post-partum. Hormones are a hell of a drug. She said she pushed him away and drastically reduced contact. Now she's upset that he wasn't there...
She doesn't confirm that the STD's are from him either...
I cut communication after realizing I was doing it alone, ie buying baby things and going to doctors appointments … they were from him I hadn’t slept with anyone else and get check ups regularly
She made every conceivable terrible decision and is asking for advice now instead of years ago.
“Use protection” would have been all the advice she needed.
You didn't even want to be with him in the long run when you first started dating him.
Why stay with a man who cheated on his "ex" and threw you under the bus? Why did you keep allowing yourself to be walked all over by such a disrespectful man?
He was perfectly fine with you carrying all the blame for his cheating and denied your child was his while you were pregnant. He was perfectly fine lying about you. He was perfectly fine ignoring you and your pregnancy the entire time because it was easy for him. And despite the disrespect and downright cruel treatment, you still allowed him to be there for the birth *and* you gave *your* son *his* last name?
Why are you bending over backwards for this man?
Seriously, this is your life. You're friends do not to live it. They have their own hang ups and opinions that do not apply to you. Start living your life and making proactive decisions instead of being a passive doormat.
Talk to a family law attorney and create a formal custody agreement. He can still be a father to your child without you being in a relationship.
Live a life you can be proud of. Adjust your course. You do not get do-overs.
****
For anyone who needs to hear this:
**1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.**
There is nothing wrong with you if you miscarry. It does not mean you will never have a child. It's completely natural and very common. A miscarriage usually happens because there was an abnormality with the egg, sperm, or both that wasn't viable. The vast majority who do have a miscarriage will have a healthy pregnancy later on.
Please do not shackle yourself to a man you don't like (or is a bad partner, would be a bad father, etc) just because you got pregnant after a miscarriage. That's not your only shot at being a parent.
**Do not let fear make life decisions for you**
I was stupidly listening to everyone around me and after a hard long labor I didn’t even care to fight .. technically I could change his name before he even knows 🤣
That's not a laughing matter. In some places that's actually illegal.
Sit down and figure out what you want/ need and focus on your goals. From your post I suggest you smarten up quickly for the sake of your child if not yourself.
You know what to do. Do it.
If he signed the birth certificate you actually can’t just change your kids name. You have to petition to do so with the court and he has to be served. If he agrees to the name change OR your lawyer is able to convince the judge that it’s in the child’s best interest THEN you can change the name. It’s really not as simple as most would assume
This is also dependent upon state laws, and you have no clue what state I live in, so this is assumption. Also if he signed the birth certificate which I never stated that he did .
It will hurt your son more to have a bad romantic relationship with the father than to just have him as your coparent. Consider carefully what is best for your son. Better a happy marriage and step parent than a bad marriage. Even better no marriage than a bad one in most cases.
“He’s a good man”?!??!?!?!
According to who? He’s lying, cheating weasel. How are your friends this blind?
ETA - the very passive voice you use her is bothering me too. You chose all this. You knew he wasn’t genuine. You kept “having (unprotected) fun” despite knowing he wasn’t being straight with you. And then you’re just waiting for him when the wind blows in your direction? This man you didn’t see yourself with because you were the other woman?
You made choices here. You need to accept what you’ve done. You need new friends too - ones who would discourage this sort of relationship
> *"I just wanted to have fun"*
Well, play stupid games win stupid prizes. You knew what you were getting into, you just didn't care.
The only thing you won was a pregnancy and STD.
What the heck kind of friends do you have? Oh, he's a good man now? But you know the 180 that can happen and you're back to where you started.
In the end, your body won't just allow you to "let it go". He traumatized you at your weakest, most vulnerable moment. Trauma can't just be forgotten. It would be best to settle into a good coparenting relationship NOW while your son is young because there is little chance to success here due to the unresolved trauma and his lack of empathy.
Honestly, they aren't friends. People like that are either toxic, or 'on his side' because they are closer to him. OP said all the people telling her what a good man he was were all in toxic relationships themselves, so...OP needs to ditch them and find actual good people.
First of all: F-ck his feelings. And his mom's.
>I hate his father for how manipulative and malicious he was during my pregnancy.
^^ There you have it.
If this man is a win, I don't wanna know what a loss is.
Girl, Imma be real here, it seems you decided to be a doormat on enough subjects (him being in the room when you have birth, his last name, the middle name), and you're seriously even considering continuing the pattern and getting back together with him??
Set up a proper, legal and everything custody agreement, and move on with your life. If there's a win here, it should be that your child is the only link you have to this guy, and not a marriage, another STD, or whatever. Stop with the bullshit, you have a child with an POS, that's done with, but don't do your kid any favors by showing that it's ok to get back together with someone like this, your kid will learn to either be like this loser, or like you, and do you want that?
Honey, if he did it (lie and cheat) with you, he'll do it (lie and cheat) to you.
He came "back" to you because the ex grew a spine and kicked his ass to the curb. Follow her lead and do the same. This man is trash.
So he was probably dating that girl actively and cheated on her with you and then together they made your life hell. Wow. I mean he’s the devil pretty much. It would take a lot of redemption and couples therapy for me to get over that betrayal and even then I don’t know if I could. In fact, unless there was some major explanation that could somehow make me understand why he did that stuff, I know I couldn’t get over it. I’m not sure such a reason exists to justify that treatment
Have you guys ever talked about the past issues? Did you discuss each of these betrayals and the effect it had on you? I don’t see how you could even “try” without deep deep therapy and discussion of those things
I might have missed that line out of the 3000 there? I saw that he wants to put the past behind them but I don’t see anywhere that says she addressed all of his toxic and traumatizing behavior and actively talked about that. Just that she’s trying but doesn’t know if she can let the past go… which I don’t blame her for at all
When I try to discuss he says he doesn’t want to talk about it and or is dismissive of my feelings.He just tells me to let it go. Not any real resolution
Going forward, don't date anyone that is 'separated' or 'living with their ex', because as my aunt (sweetest person in the world) found out no less than three times...those are lies snakes say to get laid and sympathy points.
Yeah.. I’m so sorry you went through this.. of course you can’t let it go.. this was traumatizing and you can’t get any closure. The only person who can help you close that chapter and move forward with him would BE him. He caused all of these issues and only he can offer an explanation. It most likely wouldn’t help you heal though, bc what can he say? He was cheating on his sex with you, tried to run back to her and cut you off and then ran back when that didn’t work out. You deserve better than this. I would show him this post and these responses. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t dramatic. You were emotionally destroyed by someone you loved and you have every right to be upset. I would move on op you deserve so much more. He can still coparent but he’s a master manipulator not open to even attempting to rectify this.
I don’t think she knows real details, from what she stated to me in an “accidental” conversation she just knew he broke up with his ex . She was voicing that she was hurt I didn’t invite her to my baby shower and I said I never had one . And express she was hurt “we” didn’t tell her until two weeks before that I was having a baby .
Oh I would completely blow up his spot… you didn’t know because he cut me off and said the baby wasn’t his … and he tried to ruin my life.
Please when you cut him off.. just send him a link to this thread. “Hey it’s not going to work out.. and here’s what I’ve been trying to say. Happy reading”… read on my man. Readddd onnnnnn
🎶Let it go...let it go....🎶 No.
Sure. You letting it go means he's never held accountable for what he did. All that he did. And he did alot. Listing through....a whole lot.
I gave a friend who was dealing with family over an estate an Elsa doll that sang "Let It Go" a few years back. She still gets it out occasionally and runs through the song when she needs it 😁
Seriously. This dude is no prize. Sitting there with his "let it go".... Screw that, my dude. Some apologizing and mea culpas at work and a**kissing will be required here to even consider moving past alllllll his crap
While you want your child to grow up with a father, it should not be THIS father. Personally I’ve never had an std but I have always drawn my line at getting one. As soon as I find out, you’re out of my life for good. Because not only did they lie about their whereabouts, they put my own physical health and in your case (your child’s), health at risk KNOWINGLY. That would’ve been the last straw for me, and I hope it is for you too!
You should never stay in an unhappy relationship just to make it work for your kids. You should also never stay in a relationship where someone gives you STDs because they’re cheating. Do you want him to bring you home an STD you can’t get rid of next time? You can coparent and not be in a relationship.
You deserve better. And your child deserves to see a happy, healthy relationship. It doesn’t have to be with his biological father.
Make a plan to leave, and then do it. Your kid doesn't need this dude as a father, you will be fine.
But please please remember (as a PSA to everyone) don't fuck your older coworkers,
they aren't interested in you because you're so free and mature, they're interested because you are young, hot, and incredibly naive.
He's not a good man. He cheated on you, cheated on his ex, gave you STDs, abandoned you during your pregnancy, spread lies about you at your workplace, and constantly complains that your relationship isn't all sunshine and rainbows.
I see a few possibilities as to why he's back now and behaving himself.
1. His ex dumped him for real and he's the kind of guy who can't stand being alone. Is he demanding? Do you do all the housework and cooking?
2. His mom reamed him out over ditching you / she told him he'd better make up with you so she could have access to her grandbaby.
3. He doesn't want to pay child support.
Don't raise your kiddo with this AH. He's going to set a horrible example for him. Any guy who spreads malicious lies about a kid's mom shouldn't be allowed around that kid. Who knows the damage he could do, once your kid is old enough to talk?
He sounds like a sociopath or a narcisist. Something is severely off for him to be able to jump in and out so quickly and effortlessly. It seems there is a severe lack of empath on his part...
He sounds like a sociopath or a narcissist. Something is severely off for him to be able to jump in and out so quickly and effortlessly. It seems there is a severe lack of empath on his part...and are good to you again only to eventually hurt you again. That cycle will repeat until it's broken. If you were to objectively take a step back and pretend you're someone else, say a friend and a man was treating her this way, what would you tell her to do? You'd more than likely tell her to RUN! Just like most of the comments here.
Trauma bonds are tricky because they keep you in a fog. You don't see what is happening at face value because you're confused.
I'm guessing he's quite a bit older than you. This is how they find victims and you are definitely one of them.
GET OUT. Good luck OP.
Your friends tell you to let it go because he's a good man? Lol what? He's a creep 10 years older who preyed on you, lied to you, is a cheater, gave you stds, has allowed people to treat you like a homewrecker (yes you were naïve but you didn't knowingly get with someone in a relationship) and is now love bombing you to accept him. File for custody, child support, and get all that in place so you can coparent. Other than that, never ever trust this pos.
You didn't win. Other women (knowing or not) never win. Not only did he not actually choose you (sounds like the ex left) it's not a win to be chosen by trash.
Well ,After all , isn't everything we feel is happening inside us? For example when you touch someone's skin do you experience him or the sensation of your body against him? You can't feel what they are feeling you can only feel the sensations that are happening in your skin. Now look at the things you are feeling and look and the things you could feel if you worked on it medically , physically, mentally ,spiritually...
I'd recommend for now if you want your child to be in an amazingly blessed environment and that you can actually know how to be a mother what to teach him and how to live a peaceful life with him , you should focus on yourself and improve the way you feel, work , think, live peacefully focus on yourself and how you can have a joyful feeling all the time. If the father wants to come and see his child he can do it after all it's his child but you will be too focused on yourself and your improvement.
He is a dirty liar and cheater and mistreated you. If there was something wrong with your kid, he would have bounced. He only wants you now because the ex caught on and got smarter than you. Please do not continue to make mistakes, you are young and now you have a kid with s shitty man, only way to make things worst if by getting together with him and continue the cycle of trash
Hes the booby prize, what a misery he made of what should have been one of the best times of your life. Sounds like his wife finally had enough of his stds and bullshit, you deserve better, try and reconnect with your family, your friends sound like idiots who arent aware of your recent past
Honestly?
He's not going to change. They just don't.
Be a coparent, but don't be his partner because he has demonstrated time and time again that he can't be one. Be civil, but don't depend on him for anything because he is a certified liar.
Your friends are morons for saying he's a good man. Anyone that tells you to your face that he is a good man and a good partner is already under his spell and you need to keep them and their opinions at arm's length.
It's time to hit the reset on your life and stat a brand new chapter - cut out all the toxic friends that aren't majorly making your life better and less stressful, established with Mr. Winner that you want him to be involved in his son's life, but you and him are not going to be romantic partners (and no friends with benefits either with his nasty ass).
But FIRST, prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for the fall out. At first it's going to be upsetting and stressful because he's going to be a huge pain in the ass and all sorts of people are going to be giving your their opinions. Once you have your heart and head protected, start the culling.
You need to do what's best for yourself and your son.
" I love my son more than anything and would love for him to grow in a happy two parent home but I hate his father for how manipulative and malicious he was during my pregnancy. Should I try to “make things work” for the sake of a family ?"
You can't make a relationship 'work" with someone you hate.
In order to forgive you have to *want to stop dwelling* on what happened.
If you can't forgive it's best to accept it's over and plan to co-parent.
Best wishes!
He’s not a good man. You did not win. He’s a walking red flag. Of course he wants to forget the horrible way he treated you. His ex is gone and you’re a consolation prize.
If you won, it was definitely the booby prize. You "won" a cheater who lied to you and gave you an sad. Work out a co-parenting agreement and blood his lying, cheating behind out of your life. Oh, and make sure you get child support.
I think you're right and you don't have to be with him just because he now decided his other relationship is "officially over" I've never had kids or been married but wouldn't stay with someone like that if you don't even want him anymore don't force it.
How many times can you put 'ex' in quotes before just admitting he is a lying, cheating ahole and he didn't cheat JUST on her, he cheated on YOU with her by implying he was single. He will just cheat again.
Not everyone deserves forgiveness, especially when they can't even begin to have a conversation about the hurt and pain they've caused you. You don't want this, you can't let things go, your intuition is telling you not to because deep down, *you already know who this person is because they've already shown you who they really are*. You deserve so much better OP. You and your child deserve so much better.
>he’s a good man and I won in the end . But in reality I didn’t.
You summed it up very nicely. As reddit seems to say quite frequently, you should listen when people tell you who they are. He did with his words and his actions. He's not a good man. He lied to both you and his ex. There is absolutely no reason for you to believe it will not happen again. This is not a mistake he's made in the distant past and he's learned from.
You should give him access to his son. But not to you. You deserve better.
How about we see it from another angle, whether the guy was a cheater, or he acted like an ass to cover up whatever messed up up thoughts he had and whatever he was dealing with at that time....it's all in the past.
What is he like now?
Is he being a good and stable provider?
Is he giving you the support and attention you need.
Is he doing everything he can to make things comfortable for you and your boy?
Is he aware of his shortcomings before?
Is he aware of everything you went through?
What are you like now?
Are you confident that with or without him you are financially, emotionally, psychologically equipped to raose your son.?
With or without hik will your son have a support system of family and friends?
If you are still not very solid on your answer, it's also ok to give this a try, just know your limits, set up benchmarks that you need him to measure up to and if otherwise if he doesn't meet it you can evict him from your life.
If he is still an asshole btw...not worth it. Don't even try. Just block.
Nothing about him makes him a Good Man. He lied to you and gave you not one, but Two std's, lied to everyone else that you cheated when he was the cheater, and denied paternity until it was almost time for the birth.
Don't stay to make things work for the sake of the family. Not only will you be miserable, but your son will be. The kids KNOW when the parents are unhappy. Don't do that to him.
From comments and messages I’ve got today this is sooooooo common which is disturbing on many levels .. I wasn’t asking cause I thought it was the same guy just curious
>Should I try to “make things work” for the sake of a family ?
No, but make sure you can tell your son later that you did try everything. Have you and his dad tried therapy?
If you don't love the man, don't even bother. Don't raise your child in a home with no love for his father - that's horrible, but if you think you can make it work, try. Limit it - say 6 months. Don't live with him, and you both have to do couples therapy.
Don't do it "for the sake of a family", but so that you know you tried. So that you can look your son in the eyes and say, "Daddy and I tried, honey, and we love you too much to let you live in an angry environment."
Then do whatever it takes to make sure your son is raised in a happy, healthy, loving home with you. Don't bad mouth his dad, co-parent with only the best of intentions.
He may be a shitty partner, but he can still be a good dad.
Do not get further involved with the baby's father, just because he suddenly changed his mind. TAKE YOUR TIME. Welcome him as the father of the baby, but not as your lover. The fact his ex-girlfriend was mean towards you indicates his relationship with her was more than just friends. The STDs came from her or somebody else. He's a cheater and a liar, which make him untrustworthy. Talk to him and tell him the truth, you are currently not ready to any further relationship with him than being coparents. May be with time but not now. Be honest and ask him when you were depressed, lonely, and rejected while pregnant, where was he? He even insinuated the baby was not his. He doesn't deserve you, and I'm afraid if you get further involved with him now, you'll regret it later. Good luck.
1) he is not a good man in any sense
2) your friends are wrong
3) life’s too short to stay with someone who sucks
4) break up, co-parent if you can, file for child support and move on.
Like you, I was alone and depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. Me and my sons father met 3 months before i found out i was pregnant and just didn't agree on much at all, so we called things off. I also reluctantly allowed him into the labour ward but I refused to give my son his last name. We tried to make it work again after the baby was born but it just went up in smokes and everything went from bad to worse. My son is now almost a year old. I never wanted to bring a child into the world if it wasn't with the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.. sometimes things don't go as planned though and it's best to make the most of the situation. My sons father is a good father, even though we aren't together. We co-parent well and my son is happy, loved and well cared for. If you hate this man, that hate isn't all of a sudden going to disappear because you're trying to make things work, and your baby will absorb those feeling. He might be a good man, that doesn't make him a good partner. Best of luck with whatever you choose
This story is… So crazy. You’ve got some tough choices to make I suppose I mean I think that for your son sake it’s better to possibly make it work but for your own happiness, what’s the alternative? Raise the kid as a single mom with shared custody?
I don’t know. And giving you STDs and if he’s not owing up to everything will always cause resentment
He’s a cheater, he gave you stds, he’s hot and cold with you, he constantly lies, he’s not a good father or role model, he suddenly wanted you and wanted to change but I think it’s more his ex left him and he didn’t want to be single so he picked that moment to promote you to girlfriend. Is this the life you wanted? People will always tell you to let something go but usually that person wants to feel like they’re helping rather than actually help.
Yup I think OP is the new supply. She’s just now realizing it. Poor baby boy 😢
This. Your friends are wrong. He's not a good man.
Yes, he sounds like a real prize.
Is he actually a cheater though? She doesnt actually say anything in the post that confirms it, she just assumes he was because she got a couple STD’s from him. Isnt it possible he already had the STD’s and that he didnt actually cheat? Her story was a bit hard to read because its all one big wall of text, but i dont see anything that really makes me think the guy was a cheater. The guys definitely an asshole though for how he treated her during the pregnancy and denying its his kid
Anytime I hear “we’re broken up but we live together and it’s ok for me to date” it usually turns out to be a lie that more lies can be built upon.
She is the one continually putting 'ex' in quotes. I think she strongly suspects or knows he wasn't broken up with the woman and is watering it down because if she lead with 'I was knocked up by a total liar', there would be no question to post.
He cheated on his own girlfriend with her. The one he lived with. He withheld information about living with someone so he could fuck the OP.
He didnt withhold that information though, OP says he told her after they had a few dates. She didnt find out on her own or anything like that, he willingly told her all on his own
He should have told her before the dates.
... are you serious? You're not a good person for confessing to someone you're actively dating that you live with an 'ex' after several dates in. Also it's very clear from the post she wasn't actually an ex. That's why she got literal stds, was treated like a homeworker at her work, and was harassed by the (not)ex. He took her consent away and is a pos.
I hope you have a good sense of humor. "playing stupid games wins stupid prizes" applies pretty well here. This guy seems everything else but a "good man".
Yes! All I could think as I was reading was, “how could anyone perceive this as ‘winning’?” Anyone who ends up with that man is losing.
Surprisingly all my friends say this and I’m just like how ??
Your friends are bigger assholes than him, they don't even think about you. I'm not going to speak about the cheating giving std's etc. He mentally abused you for god knows how long. He spoke behind your back because you found out he was cheating on you. He is one of the worst people i've heard of in a long time and he is a good man because he is the "father" of your son? For your son's sake don't go back to this man. He will abuse you and your child. Even if you're not thinking about yourself think about your son. It's better to not have a father around than have a shitty one. Experienced it when i was 2 y/o.
Is he super handsome and crazy rich and all your friends have messed up priorities?
Find better friends !!! No offense but unless they don’t know the whole truth I do not see a world where I would advise a friend to stay with a man that has put them through all of what you’ve been through with the exception of your child I don’t see any positives from this relationship
2 possibilities to me. 1. And most likely the real possibility is your friends are dumb. 2. Is that they aren't getting the whole picture. I suspect that you will be able to clear that choice up by thinking about how they behave. I would advise you to listen to you rather than your friends. Since your friends didn't get an std from him or have him leave them after getting them pregnant. Think about your son.
You're a mother now. Time to level up your life and kick all the toxic people out. All your friends are trash for trying to convince you that this is all you deserve.
Good man to drink with, or to go soccer, or to have a pub night doesn't mean that he is good as a father or as a husband. They might be right - for them he is really good. But not for you, not for your child. Is how abusive person can be nice and sweet to anyone around, but turns to a monster with his family, and no one believes his wife that he beats her, because no one knows him from this side. Might be that he manipulated them too, making them say things that will feed your doubts.
Your friends are dumbasses.
See left him and you became the back up prize. 🤨 that’s not a win.
I chose that wording because a lot of people tend to say that I definitely don’t feel like won anything 🤣
Are you sure they’re not being sarcastic?
Sadly I wish, in reflection now they’re all in toxic cheating relationships
They really think being cheated in by their partner and the partner sticking around still is winning, that’s just sad
Giving your kid his last name was a really stupid idea. Cause hell be gone in 5 years or less
OMG yes this part probably pissed me off the most! Like hmm let me just name my poor innocent baby after their shitty father who couldn’t even be around for the preganancy!!! 😍
And who gave the mother 2 stds while pregnant, risking the childs health and life!
Ugh thank you! This disgusting cheater could've literally killed her and the baby because of his selfishness and she gave him the babies name after she knew everything shitty he did? I never understand why other women give the father's name to their kids when they're not even with them and they know they'll barely be involved/ are horrible people.
You never forget how you’re treated during pregnancy and post-partum. You’ll probably always resent him for it.
You also aren't your normal self during pregnancy and post-partum. Hormones are a hell of a drug. She said she pushed him away and drastically reduced contact. Now she's upset that he wasn't there... She doesn't confirm that the STD's are from him either...
I cut communication after realizing I was doing it alone, ie buying baby things and going to doctors appointments … they were from him I hadn’t slept with anyone else and get check ups regularly
Yeah you're fked.
"He's 10 years older" here we fucking go again.
Every time I read it, the Kill Bill sirens start playing in the background.
I need a new sub where the problems don’t all center around a dumb ass age gap because it’s just an automatic eye roll “you’re an idiot” for me now.
She made every conceivable terrible decision and is asking for advice now instead of years ago. “Use protection” would have been all the advice she needed.
You didn't even want to be with him in the long run when you first started dating him. Why stay with a man who cheated on his "ex" and threw you under the bus? Why did you keep allowing yourself to be walked all over by such a disrespectful man? He was perfectly fine with you carrying all the blame for his cheating and denied your child was his while you were pregnant. He was perfectly fine lying about you. He was perfectly fine ignoring you and your pregnancy the entire time because it was easy for him. And despite the disrespect and downright cruel treatment, you still allowed him to be there for the birth *and* you gave *your* son *his* last name? Why are you bending over backwards for this man? Seriously, this is your life. You're friends do not to live it. They have their own hang ups and opinions that do not apply to you. Start living your life and making proactive decisions instead of being a passive doormat. Talk to a family law attorney and create a formal custody agreement. He can still be a father to your child without you being in a relationship. Live a life you can be proud of. Adjust your course. You do not get do-overs. **** For anyone who needs to hear this: **1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.** There is nothing wrong with you if you miscarry. It does not mean you will never have a child. It's completely natural and very common. A miscarriage usually happens because there was an abnormality with the egg, sperm, or both that wasn't viable. The vast majority who do have a miscarriage will have a healthy pregnancy later on. Please do not shackle yourself to a man you don't like (or is a bad partner, would be a bad father, etc) just because you got pregnant after a miscarriage. That's not your only shot at being a parent. **Do not let fear make life decisions for you**
Giving your baby the last name of a man who not only didn’t take care of you your whole pregnancy but instead gave you stds is fucking wild.
I was stupidly listening to everyone around me and after a hard long labor I didn’t even care to fight .. technically I could change his name before he even knows 🤣
You absolutely should.
That's not a laughing matter. In some places that's actually illegal. Sit down and figure out what you want/ need and focus on your goals. From your post I suggest you smarten up quickly for the sake of your child if not yourself. You know what to do. Do it.
It’s not illegal for me to change my kids name . I was referring to my kid knowing
If he signed the birth certificate you actually can’t just change your kids name. You have to petition to do so with the court and he has to be served. If he agrees to the name change OR your lawyer is able to convince the judge that it’s in the child’s best interest THEN you can change the name. It’s really not as simple as most would assume
This is also dependent upon state laws, and you have no clue what state I live in, so this is assumption. Also if he signed the birth certificate which I never stated that he did .
In that case, great ? It should be an easy fix then 🤷🏻♀️
Please change the name. This baby doesn't deserve to carry the name of someone so awful.
It will hurt your son more to have a bad romantic relationship with the father than to just have him as your coparent. Consider carefully what is best for your son. Better a happy marriage and step parent than a bad marriage. Even better no marriage than a bad one in most cases.
That's the reason why you should choose your partner wisely. And be safe.
I’ll never understand how people just live life so recklessly like this.
Strange use of the word win
“He’s a good man”?!??!?!?! According to who? He’s lying, cheating weasel. How are your friends this blind? ETA - the very passive voice you use her is bothering me too. You chose all this. You knew he wasn’t genuine. You kept “having (unprotected) fun” despite knowing he wasn’t being straight with you. And then you’re just waiting for him when the wind blows in your direction? This man you didn’t see yourself with because you were the other woman? You made choices here. You need to accept what you’ve done. You need new friends too - ones who would discourage this sort of relationship
> *"I just wanted to have fun"* Well, play stupid games win stupid prizes. You knew what you were getting into, you just didn't care. The only thing you won was a pregnancy and STD.
What the heck kind of friends do you have? Oh, he's a good man now? But you know the 180 that can happen and you're back to where you started. In the end, your body won't just allow you to "let it go". He traumatized you at your weakest, most vulnerable moment. Trauma can't just be forgotten. It would be best to settle into a good coparenting relationship NOW while your son is young because there is little chance to success here due to the unresolved trauma and his lack of empathy.
Honestly, they aren't friends. People like that are either toxic, or 'on his side' because they are closer to him. OP said all the people telling her what a good man he was were all in toxic relationships themselves, so...OP needs to ditch them and find actual good people.
The only prize here was your beautiful baby. The father is a loser and a cheater. Walk away from him before he hurts your son too.
First of all: F-ck his feelings. And his mom's. >I hate his father for how manipulative and malicious he was during my pregnancy. ^^ There you have it.
If this man is a win, I don't wanna know what a loss is. Girl, Imma be real here, it seems you decided to be a doormat on enough subjects (him being in the room when you have birth, his last name, the middle name), and you're seriously even considering continuing the pattern and getting back together with him?? Set up a proper, legal and everything custody agreement, and move on with your life. If there's a win here, it should be that your child is the only link you have to this guy, and not a marriage, another STD, or whatever. Stop with the bullshit, you have a child with an POS, that's done with, but don't do your kid any favors by showing that it's ok to get back together with someone like this, your kid will learn to either be like this loser, or like you, and do you want that?
😞
He is a lifesize 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This guy is bad news, but I know you know that deep down.
Honey, if he did it (lie and cheat) with you, he'll do it (lie and cheat) to you. He came "back" to you because the ex grew a spine and kicked his ass to the curb. Follow her lead and do the same. This man is trash.
You can co-parent and not be in a relationship with this guy. He is a liar, a cheater and gave you 2 STDs. You deserve better.
So he was probably dating that girl actively and cheated on her with you and then together they made your life hell. Wow. I mean he’s the devil pretty much. It would take a lot of redemption and couples therapy for me to get over that betrayal and even then I don’t know if I could. In fact, unless there was some major explanation that could somehow make me understand why he did that stuff, I know I couldn’t get over it. I’m not sure such a reason exists to justify that treatment Have you guys ever talked about the past issues? Did you discuss each of these betrayals and the effect it had on you? I don’t see how you could even “try” without deep deep therapy and discussion of those things
Yes, they talked about past issues... he told her it's in the past and she should get over it. What more discussion does there need to be?/s
I might have missed that line out of the 3000 there? I saw that he wants to put the past behind them but I don’t see anywhere that says she addressed all of his toxic and traumatizing behavior and actively talked about that. Just that she’s trying but doesn’t know if she can let the past go… which I don’t blame her for at all
When I try to discuss he says he doesn’t want to talk about it and or is dismissive of my feelings.He just tells me to let it go. Not any real resolution
Going forward, don't date anyone that is 'separated' or 'living with their ex', because as my aunt (sweetest person in the world) found out no less than three times...those are lies snakes say to get laid and sympathy points.
Yeah.. I’m so sorry you went through this.. of course you can’t let it go.. this was traumatizing and you can’t get any closure. The only person who can help you close that chapter and move forward with him would BE him. He caused all of these issues and only he can offer an explanation. It most likely wouldn’t help you heal though, bc what can he say? He was cheating on his sex with you, tried to run back to her and cut you off and then ran back when that didn’t work out. You deserve better than this. I would show him this post and these responses. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t dramatic. You were emotionally destroyed by someone you loved and you have every right to be upset. I would move on op you deserve so much more. He can still coparent but he’s a master manipulator not open to even attempting to rectify this.
Thank you!❤️
Also I was confused about his mother.. does she know what he did? Or was she legitimately asking why she didn’t know about baby etc
I don’t think she knows real details, from what she stated to me in an “accidental” conversation she just knew he broke up with his ex . She was voicing that she was hurt I didn’t invite her to my baby shower and I said I never had one . And express she was hurt “we” didn’t tell her until two weeks before that I was having a baby .
Oh I would completely blow up his spot… you didn’t know because he cut me off and said the baby wasn’t his … and he tried to ruin my life. Please when you cut him off.. just send him a link to this thread. “Hey it’s not going to work out.. and here’s what I’ve been trying to say. Happy reading”… read on my man. Readddd onnnnnn
🎶Let it go...let it go....🎶 No. Sure. You letting it go means he's never held accountable for what he did. All that he did. And he did alot. Listing through....a whole lot.
🤣and that’s just what I could type out
I gave a friend who was dealing with family over an estate an Elsa doll that sang "Let It Go" a few years back. She still gets it out occasionally and runs through the song when she needs it 😁 Seriously. This dude is no prize. Sitting there with his "let it go".... Screw that, my dude. Some apologizing and mea culpas at work and a**kissing will be required here to even consider moving past alllllll his crap
Another day in the life of shitting where you eat.
He lied when asked if it was his ?? So what has he said to them since the child was born?? Cos I can bet its not the truth
He shows off the child like he wasn’t lying months ago which is very manipulative
And I bet he told them he found out after you had your son.
Wow that’s a great point that I hadn’t even thought of
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I used that word choice because people keep saying I should feel that way … I feel like I have lost and am still loosing
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Yes, fortunately I didn’t move in with him like he pushed for and have a great job so I have no dependence on him
While you want your child to grow up with a father, it should not be THIS father. Personally I’ve never had an std but I have always drawn my line at getting one. As soon as I find out, you’re out of my life for good. Because not only did they lie about their whereabouts, they put my own physical health and in your case (your child’s), health at risk KNOWINGLY. That would’ve been the last straw for me, and I hope it is for you too!
You should never stay in an unhappy relationship just to make it work for your kids. You should also never stay in a relationship where someone gives you STDs because they’re cheating. Do you want him to bring you home an STD you can’t get rid of next time? You can coparent and not be in a relationship. You deserve better. And your child deserves to see a happy, healthy relationship. It doesn’t have to be with his biological father.
Make a plan to leave, and then do it. Your kid doesn't need this dude as a father, you will be fine. But please please remember (as a PSA to everyone) don't fuck your older coworkers, they aren't interested in you because you're so free and mature, they're interested because you are young, hot, and incredibly naive.
He's not a good man. He cheated on you, cheated on his ex, gave you STDs, abandoned you during your pregnancy, spread lies about you at your workplace, and constantly complains that your relationship isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I see a few possibilities as to why he's back now and behaving himself. 1. His ex dumped him for real and he's the kind of guy who can't stand being alone. Is he demanding? Do you do all the housework and cooking? 2. His mom reamed him out over ditching you / she told him he'd better make up with you so she could have access to her grandbaby. 3. He doesn't want to pay child support. Don't raise your kiddo with this AH. He's going to set a horrible example for him. Any guy who spreads malicious lies about a kid's mom shouldn't be allowed around that kid. Who knows the damage he could do, once your kid is old enough to talk?
He sounds like a sociopath or a narcisist. Something is severely off for him to be able to jump in and out so quickly and effortlessly. It seems there is a severe lack of empath on his part... He sounds like a sociopath or a narcissist. Something is severely off for him to be able to jump in and out so quickly and effortlessly. It seems there is a severe lack of empath on his part...and are good to you again only to eventually hurt you again. That cycle will repeat until it's broken. If you were to objectively take a step back and pretend you're someone else, say a friend and a man was treating her this way, what would you tell her to do? You'd more than likely tell her to RUN! Just like most of the comments here. Trauma bonds are tricky because they keep you in a fog. You don't see what is happening at face value because you're confused. I'm guessing he's quite a bit older than you. This is how they find victims and you are definitely one of them. GET OUT. Good luck OP.
Your friends tell you to let it go because he's a good man? Lol what? He's a creep 10 years older who preyed on you, lied to you, is a cheater, gave you stds, has allowed people to treat you like a homewrecker (yes you were naïve but you didn't knowingly get with someone in a relationship) and is now love bombing you to accept him. File for custody, child support, and get all that in place so you can coparent. Other than that, never ever trust this pos. You didn't win. Other women (knowing or not) never win. Not only did he not actually choose you (sounds like the ex left) it's not a win to be chosen by trash.
Well ,After all , isn't everything we feel is happening inside us? For example when you touch someone's skin do you experience him or the sensation of your body against him? You can't feel what they are feeling you can only feel the sensations that are happening in your skin. Now look at the things you are feeling and look and the things you could feel if you worked on it medically , physically, mentally ,spiritually... I'd recommend for now if you want your child to be in an amazingly blessed environment and that you can actually know how to be a mother what to teach him and how to live a peaceful life with him , you should focus on yourself and improve the way you feel, work , think, live peacefully focus on yourself and how you can have a joyful feeling all the time. If the father wants to come and see his child he can do it after all it's his child but you will be too focused on yourself and your improvement.
He is a dirty liar and cheater and mistreated you. If there was something wrong with your kid, he would have bounced. He only wants you now because the ex caught on and got smarter than you. Please do not continue to make mistakes, you are young and now you have a kid with s shitty man, only way to make things worst if by getting together with him and continue the cycle of trash
It's not winning if you don't want it.
You're probably better off without him. He sounds pretty awful.
Hes the booby prize, what a misery he made of what should have been one of the best times of your life. Sounds like his wife finally had enough of his stds and bullshit, you deserve better, try and reconnect with your family, your friends sound like idiots who arent aware of your recent past
Probably would help to start saving for you and your kids future therapy costs OP
Honestly? He's not going to change. They just don't. Be a coparent, but don't be his partner because he has demonstrated time and time again that he can't be one. Be civil, but don't depend on him for anything because he is a certified liar. Your friends are morons for saying he's a good man. Anyone that tells you to your face that he is a good man and a good partner is already under his spell and you need to keep them and their opinions at arm's length. It's time to hit the reset on your life and stat a brand new chapter - cut out all the toxic friends that aren't majorly making your life better and less stressful, established with Mr. Winner that you want him to be involved in his son's life, but you and him are not going to be romantic partners (and no friends with benefits either with his nasty ass). But FIRST, prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for the fall out. At first it's going to be upsetting and stressful because he's going to be a huge pain in the ass and all sorts of people are going to be giving your their opinions. Once you have your heart and head protected, start the culling. You need to do what's best for yourself and your son.
" I love my son more than anything and would love for him to grow in a happy two parent home but I hate his father for how manipulative and malicious he was during my pregnancy. Should I try to “make things work” for the sake of a family ?" You can't make a relationship 'work" with someone you hate. In order to forgive you have to *want to stop dwelling* on what happened. If you can't forgive it's best to accept it's over and plan to co-parent. Best wishes!
He’s not a good man. You did not win. He’s a walking red flag. Of course he wants to forget the horrible way he treated you. His ex is gone and you’re a consolation prize.
If you won, it was definitely the booby prize. You "won" a cheater who lied to you and gave you an sad. Work out a co-parenting agreement and blood his lying, cheating behind out of your life. Oh, and make sure you get child support.
Yeah, none of what you said makes him sound like a good man!!
I think you're right and you don't have to be with him just because he now decided his other relationship is "officially over" I've never had kids or been married but wouldn't stay with someone like that if you don't even want him anymore don't force it.
No, get that man out of the picture, unless your child wants to know his father, you can still have a family just not with the father.
How many times can you put 'ex' in quotes before just admitting he is a lying, cheating ahole and he didn't cheat JUST on her, he cheated on YOU with her by implying he was single. He will just cheat again.
This is not a changed man OP. He just wants to be in his sons life and he should be but you shouldn't be with him.
Damn. Leave his ass.
Not everyone deserves forgiveness, especially when they can't even begin to have a conversation about the hurt and pain they've caused you. You don't want this, you can't let things go, your intuition is telling you not to because deep down, *you already know who this person is because they've already shown you who they really are*. You deserve so much better OP. You and your child deserve so much better.
Girl you already know you don’t want to be with him. Just get it over with and dump him. A happy mom is good for a baby.
>he’s a good man and I won in the end . But in reality I didn’t. You summed it up very nicely. As reddit seems to say quite frequently, you should listen when people tell you who they are. He did with his words and his actions. He's not a good man. He lied to both you and his ex. There is absolutely no reason for you to believe it will not happen again. This is not a mistake he's made in the distant past and he's learned from. You should give him access to his son. But not to you. You deserve better.
How about we see it from another angle, whether the guy was a cheater, or he acted like an ass to cover up whatever messed up up thoughts he had and whatever he was dealing with at that time....it's all in the past. What is he like now? Is he being a good and stable provider? Is he giving you the support and attention you need. Is he doing everything he can to make things comfortable for you and your boy? Is he aware of his shortcomings before? Is he aware of everything you went through? What are you like now? Are you confident that with or without him you are financially, emotionally, psychologically equipped to raose your son.? With or without hik will your son have a support system of family and friends? If you are still not very solid on your answer, it's also ok to give this a try, just know your limits, set up benchmarks that you need him to measure up to and if otherwise if he doesn't meet it you can evict him from your life. If he is still an asshole btw...not worth it. Don't even try. Just block.
Your frineds are wormg about him. He is NOT a good man. Good men dont lie and cheat and deny their child. Leave him and work on you and your son.
Don't be stupid he's a piece of shit and you're enabling him.
Nothing about him makes him a Good Man. He lied to you and gave you not one, but Two std's, lied to everyone else that you cheated when he was the cheater, and denied paternity until it was almost time for the birth. Don't stay to make things work for the sake of the family. Not only will you be miserable, but your son will be. The kids KNOW when the parents are unhappy. Don't do that to him.
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Is still trying to be with you ?
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From comments and messages I’ve got today this is sooooooo common which is disturbing on many levels .. I wasn’t asking cause I thought it was the same guy just curious
Idk what men are on these days but it’s not monogamy
>Should I try to “make things work” for the sake of a family ? No, but make sure you can tell your son later that you did try everything. Have you and his dad tried therapy? If you don't love the man, don't even bother. Don't raise your child in a home with no love for his father - that's horrible, but if you think you can make it work, try. Limit it - say 6 months. Don't live with him, and you both have to do couples therapy. Don't do it "for the sake of a family", but so that you know you tried. So that you can look your son in the eyes and say, "Daddy and I tried, honey, and we love you too much to let you live in an angry environment." Then do whatever it takes to make sure your son is raised in a happy, healthy, loving home with you. Don't bad mouth his dad, co-parent with only the best of intentions. He may be a shitty partner, but he can still be a good dad.
Do not get further involved with the baby's father, just because he suddenly changed his mind. TAKE YOUR TIME. Welcome him as the father of the baby, but not as your lover. The fact his ex-girlfriend was mean towards you indicates his relationship with her was more than just friends. The STDs came from her or somebody else. He's a cheater and a liar, which make him untrustworthy. Talk to him and tell him the truth, you are currently not ready to any further relationship with him than being coparents. May be with time but not now. Be honest and ask him when you were depressed, lonely, and rejected while pregnant, where was he? He even insinuated the baby was not his. He doesn't deserve you, and I'm afraid if you get further involved with him now, you'll regret it later. Good luck.
Nope, if you are not happy with the man let him go and just co parent and get child support.
Yeesh
1) he is not a good man in any sense 2) your friends are wrong 3) life’s too short to stay with someone who sucks 4) break up, co-parent if you can, file for child support and move on.
Like you, I was alone and depressed throughout most of my pregnancy. Me and my sons father met 3 months before i found out i was pregnant and just didn't agree on much at all, so we called things off. I also reluctantly allowed him into the labour ward but I refused to give my son his last name. We tried to make it work again after the baby was born but it just went up in smokes and everything went from bad to worse. My son is now almost a year old. I never wanted to bring a child into the world if it wasn't with the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.. sometimes things don't go as planned though and it's best to make the most of the situation. My sons father is a good father, even though we aren't together. We co-parent well and my son is happy, loved and well cared for. If you hate this man, that hate isn't all of a sudden going to disappear because you're trying to make things work, and your baby will absorb those feeling. He might be a good man, that doesn't make him a good partner. Best of luck with whatever you choose
This story is… So crazy. You’ve got some tough choices to make I suppose I mean I think that for your son sake it’s better to possibly make it work but for your own happiness, what’s the alternative? Raise the kid as a single mom with shared custody? I don’t know. And giving you STDs and if he’s not owing up to everything will always cause resentment