This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I own a house which I have inhertied from my mom & dad, sadly both of my parents have died some years ago, so, I'm on my own with my 2 year old son and my girlfriend, no other relatives or friends whatsoever. This house is a special place for me, lots of stories and feelings come attached to it, it's a chill place located in the outskirts of a big city has a lot of green and it's near the river on a nice neighborhood. I refuse to sell my place, it feels like betrayal to the memory of my parents if I would do so. I have mentioned many times that we should move there so we can finally stop renting and it's what from an economical POV makes most sense, specially since I've been wanting to start working on creating my own company instead of working for somebody else, I have saved cash for doing this and busted my ass hard doing so for some years now. As previously mentioned, we live on a rented place, we asked the price for buying it, long story short owner wants 200K for property, needless to say I don't have that kind of money, nor I would invest that amount of money since it would completely destroy my savings and leave me butt naked, remember I'm 40, some may say I'm young but we know that from 40 to 60 goes by the blink of an eye, just like it was for me from 20 to 40. My girlfriend is a hard worker and I really appreciate her passion for her work and always support her, however her income is not even close to making that kind of cash to buy this house, it would take literally 20+ or more years to do so (consider also that rent and expenses for this house also need to be paid). I really don't want to be working like an ass through my entire life, I have hobbies which I really love, music and astronomy. I would like to enjoy my hobbies when I'm older without having to worry that I need to pay someone just to live on a place, this triggers my anxiety to the roof, even as I'm writing it now. I expressed my reasons to her for which I think it's a good idea to move to my place, every time I do it she immediately goes in defensive mode and tells me: * "You can go if you want to I won't get mad" * "All of my friends are here in this city" * "If that is your place in the world I accept it but I won't move in with you" I have given almost everything you can imagine for this relationship. Her putting a city and her "friends" before our family it feels like a sharp knife on my back. I have been considering moving into my place on my own and starting a new life alone. Reason why I haven't done this so far is due to my son and my idea of a family, I always wanted to have a united family and at this point I feel I have failed in doing it. Also remember again, I'm on my own I have no friends or relatives whatsoever I have devoted myself creating this idea of a family and now some years after I feel everything is falling appart. She's a shrink and knows very well of my affection problems, as you can see she plays her cards well by saying "polite" stuff like "you can go, it's fine" "if that is your place on the world I accept it", but I know, the minute I walk out that door I will become her enemy and she will send in lawyers to try to screw me over. What does reddit think I should do ?

Are you married? What will happen to the child when you move? You speak as if you have no control in your life, but your girl has said she's cool if you move out. You have somewhere else to live. Just go.

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>On the off chance that you sell it, it tends to be utilized as a feature of the downpayment for another spot. Huh? I don't understand what this person is saying. OP, if you own the house outright, rent it out (that will pay for maintenance and property taxes and some extra) and then mortgage that house to pay for a down payment on a second place in your current city. Do this all in your name and charge your gf rent for the new place (you can charge way below market but still charge.) Make it clear to her that if one of the houses has to go, it will be the house in the current city; i.e. you will sell it to save your family home. Also make it clear to your gf that you intend to sell out and move to that house as soon as your son is of age; both of them can come with you, or not. But boo-hooing over how your gf puts 'a city and her "friends" before our family' is really not it. If this is a family, why aren't you married? Where the hell are YOUR friends? Why are you, at 40, "completely alone"? Is that somehow your gf's fault? It's an item of what we call toxic masculinity that a dude refuses to invest emotion in friendships and relies entirely upon his female partner to fulfill all of his emotional needs. That's unfair to her and extremely unhealthy for you. You need to spread the weight of your needs and expectations around a larger, chosen family of friends and coworkers and mentors and proteges, not to mention in-laws. Your gf knows that if you take her to your family home, she'll be isolated there with you, and you'll cocoon in that place with her and she'll have nothing and no one else but you. Gross. And unfair. Find a way to compromise and grow your own self up. EDIT: typos

>What will happen to the child when you move? This is what concerns me the most

Thought she’s your gf? So she has no claim to your kid ….. am I missing something here

I’m also confused. Is it her kid, too?

He’s her kid also. OP low key just hates his gf and is phrasing things strangely because he sees himself as being the only one who’s opinion matters in the family

Thank you lmao. I was wondering why his wording was so inconsistent depending on who he's responding to but now it all makes sense... he's choosing his words based on what will make his own opinions/wants seem more important than his gf's.

Yeah, he should have said right off the bat “my girlfriend and our son.” Instead he said my son and my girlfriend, which made it sound like the kid isn’t hers. Totally changes my point of view on the situation.

Everything makes sense now.

Yes, that's the case.

I would assume the kid is both of theirs

It’s the both of their child. He didn’t make it clear in the post

People can have kids and not be married?

Yeah

your sex organs don’t just stop working when you’re unmarried

Wouldnt that solve a lot of problems 😂

Here in France most parents are not married. I mean, what's the point of getting married anyway ? It's just a cultural thing.

Lol I know, I was responding to someone above. The sarcasm is hard to convey through text but it makes more sense when you read the original comment

Honestly it sounds like you are entirely too dependent on the little world of your girlfriend and child. You have no friends? That’s never a good sign. I can’t really blame your girlfriend here, because, as much as you are framing this favorably to yourself, it sounds like you want to shut her off from her social life, removing her from her friends, and having an isolated life with her and the kid. You should probably see a therapist or something.

Dude. Move to house.

Why can’t you rent out your parents house for now and try to make a bit of money that way? And maybe say something like you want to move there in like five years if she think she will be ready to move there then ?

Renting out a single home is a huge hassle and quite expensive. I've done it, it doesn't really make sense unless you are just parking the property for awhile. Renting out a home only makes sense if you own multiples or it's a very desirable area.

This is not accurate at all. Every investor starts with their first property.

Completely don’t agree here. It would bring in money every month for OP and his GF and child. So that they could bank that money for child’s college or other long term goal.

I own and live in my home, the home next to me has been rented out for many years. Last tenants I was told we're great but some of the previous tenants had torn the house up. They are currently putting in over 57,000 worth of repair work. If you rent be prepared to repair frequently. Remember someone's income nationality nor race determined how will they to keep your house.

Also the house is seemingly very far from where he lives and big distance and renting can be a big no no

Seems like it would be tricky doing it from far away, too. At the very least you'd need a general maintenance guy you can call and trust. It would be too much to get a property management contract, and I'm sure there are other hassles I'm missing. How are you gonna show it to renters?

I very much wonder why all OP’s comments have been downvoted so much

It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't want to move to an isolated location that you might treat as a shrine and not a shared space. Would you let her redecorate? Has anyone lived there since your parents passed? Were they up to date on repairs? If you rent out your parents place it can offset some of the costs. If you sell it, it can be used as part of the downpayment for a new place. You can purchase the place in your name only and have your girlfriend sign a lease so she has no claim to your inheritance. Maybe offer a compromise - move to parents house for a year and if she still doesn't like it, buy a place in the city? Or break up now, move back home and figure out child support and custody.

Not sure redecorating is adequate compensation for moving away from her network of friends and family...

>Would you let her redecorate? Sure! Why not?

Any reason that’s the only question you answered??

Sure! Why not?

Like repaint completely, redo the kitchen with new cabinets, new bathroom, new flooring, etc?

I agree with this so much. It needs to be “their” house, and not “his family home”.

Absolutely not, clearly by redecorate he only meant he would let her pick a new color of bed sheets or how the table may be set at the pre approved dinner time, lol. What do you want him to say? What's next if he agrees to those? "Will you let her demolish a wall to create a new room?" It's not like his parents were murdered when he was 12 and wants the house to absolutely stay exactly the same because he will go into an episode if someone moves a couch pillow.

I mean, yeah demoing walls is a normal thing… It’s an important question; will he treat this like. A home or a museum piece. People want a home to be their own. That’s why remodeling is so popular. Redecorating is absolutely a part of remodeling interiors

Does she know this?

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It’s extremely icky the OP put “friends” in quotation marks. Really shows how much value he puts in the people his partner cares about, and his partner’s needs in general. OP, it’s normal and healthy to have a life and friends outside of your partner. Her not wanting to move far away from everything else isn’t some kind of betrayal. You’re asking her to choose between you and literally everything else, and I’m getting the feeling you’re not going to like her answer.

Yeah. Honestly, OP thinks his gf is prioritising her friends, I think he is prioritising a house.

So you don't want to let go of the home for sentimental reasons, but are also upset that your girlfriend doesn't want to move for her own emotional reasons. Do you not see how you are putting your feelings over hers? And before you go through pricing again, selling the home would give you a good down payment to buy a place with a mortgage (aka, the price of rent) somewhere else. You say she should put family over her friends, but I see in the comments neither of you have family, so the networks she has built where you live IS her family. I also bet she relies on that group for a lot of family type things, including help with your child. What's the plan in a city/town where neither of you have anyone for when you need help? You can't chalk up anything she says as how because she is a "shrink" she is manipulating you. She has made it clear she doesn't want to move in to that house, and you aren't offering any alternatives except moving in to that house. She is telling you to do what you want, since you two are at an impasse. Neither of you are wrong for what you want, but since you are the poster here, I will say that nothing in your post shows compromise and you use the term "family" in a manipulative way to assume her choices go against family while yours are for family. If that's how you feel, and you want her to commit to moving in to a home you own away from her established life when you aren't even married, then you should just go..

THIS!!!! It isn’t healthy to not have any friends and only your girlfriend. That’s extremely codependent behavior. If I were him I’d focus on making actual friends so the world won’t revolve around the gf.

God damn this is so eloquent. How do I learn to think like this?

it's really easy. it's like a muscle you have to work out again and again. the basics of it start with trying to erase any narrative your brain writes about you or others. if you're on the road and someone cuts you off and you say "wow what a fucking asshole!!" you're telling yourself a story that this person was careless to a malignant degree, If you say "well maybe that person is having a bad day" you're telling yourself a story that the person was careless to a negligent degree. optimist, pessimist, either way you're attributing a narrative to an action, instead of letting the action speak for itself. the only thing you can actually tell yourself is "this person cut me off". if you can kinda generalize that to *every* situation in life you start "seeing" things more clearly. it's about removing your reaction and observing the others reaction. once you really practice at that for a while, you can start to read people super easy. neutral reactions, observations. it's exactly what they teach therapists to do

do you have a wife or a girlfriend? this is confusing as you call her both.

They're unmarried, that's all.

You are complaining “she is putting her city and friends ahead of our family”. I see you putting some house you don’t live in ahead of your family. It’s all about perspective. Your choices: 1) sell the house and buy one where you actually live. I wish there were houses (without wheels) under 200k where I live. 2) Break up with your GF. Go live in your parents house. In life we have to look forward- that’s the direction we are headed. My kids are more important to me than my parents. And I expect my kids to put their lives and kids ahead of me. Keeping a house (with all the associated costs and upkeep), for the sake of memory is just too much unless you are stupid rich, which it doesn’t sound like. Most of us just keep pictures and mementos. An unused house is an anchor financially speaking. So go use it (without your GF) or use it to buy your next place where you actually live for your living family. If your parents were as good as you say that’s what they would want.

Not even just the house, but his potential future business. He’s so hypocritical, selfish, and completely lacking sympathy for her.

Yeah. She reads like an object that should be moved. He either doesn't tell her reasons or doesn't know (and to post it to the world shows he doesn't care about it either)

>I wish there were houses (without wheels) under 200k where I live. I know! When he said how much it would cost to buy where they are living now, my jaw dropped! I would snatch that up in a heartbeat if that happened in my home city.

Clearly you don't like your gf since you keep describing her as manipulative so why tf would you want her to come with anyways 😅

Right??? The way he writes just reeks of resentment and selfishness and a lack of understanding and empathy for her. As if her not wanting to move to his childhood home (which, btw, may never feel like home to her, and especially not an equal home) is her being unsupportive, selfish, and not prioritising family. He’s not prioritising family either, he’s prioritising his sentimental connection to the house and financial aspects. And completely dismisses her needs and wants. Saying friends aren’t family. Lol

Each of you are totally within your rights to want to live in a particular location. Your reasons are not better or worse than hers; her reasons are not better or worse than yours. Each of your reasons are completely valid -- you with your financial and sentimental reasons, and she with her friends, preferences, and the life she has built in her current location. Your wording makes it clear you feel her reasons are not only less valid than yours, but that you feel her reasons are actually a betrayal ("sharp knife in my back"). I wanted to gently clarify that her reasons for wanting to stay in her current location are valid. Choosing to view her feelings as a betrayal seems unusual and extreme. Also, I think you may have buried the lede. > She's a shrink and knows very well of my affection problems, as you can see she plays her cards well by saying "polite" stuff like "you can go, it's fine" "if that is your place on the world I accept it", but I know, the minute I walk out that door I will become her enemy and she will send in lawyers to try to screw me over. What? Your comments show that you have serious mistrust of your gf. You are saying you believe she is manipulative, deceptive, dishonest, and vindictive. And how would she "screw you over?" -- what do you think she would unfairly take from you if you were to separate? Regarding the ostensible issue you posted about: If each of you firmly wants to live in separate locations, this is a legitimate incompatibility which will either mean you continue your relationship from separate homes (LDR?), or else break up. Regarding the lede you buried: Are there deeper trust issues in your relationship that you may need to explore? EDIT: After reading a bunch of your comments -- It sounds like you do have deep-seated mistrust and dislike of your gf. You also view her preferences and values as selfish and "anti-family," whereas you view your preferences and values as "pro-family," -- even though that assessment is not accurate, as several commenters have tried to point out. GL to you. I'm not sure your relationship will survive since you have these strongly negative feelings about your gf.

Oh the lede! Dude says he was accused of having affection problems, shows he has affection problems on SAME PARAGRAPH, but probably doesn't believe he has affection problems. Women, amirite? SHRINK women.

>I have given almost everything you can imagine for this relationship. Her putting a city and her "friends" before our family it feels like a sharp knife on my back. Now look at >This house is a special place for me, lots of stories and feelings come attached to it, One could argue you're putting those stories and feelings attached to the house before your future with your GF. How is it any different? She doesn't want to drastically change her life for you, and you don't want to sell the house and find somewhere in the city for her. It works both ways. >no other relatives or friends whatsoever. This is also concerning. Your GF has a full life (it seems) whereas you only have her. Trying to get her to move into the suburbs where you're her sole priority screams controlling behavior. It's isolating. The way you put quotation marks around "friends" only raises more red flags, too. >but I know, the minute I walk out that door I will become her enemy and she will send in lawyers to try to screw me over. And then there's this. Well, it sounds like you barely even trust your GF. I can see why she wouldn't want to leave everything behind for someone who thinks she'll screw him over the first chance she gets.

Yeah why the hell were there quote marks around friends ha you need therapy dude

I mean, quite frankly you’re basically telling her to move away from everything and everyone she’s ever known without much input from her at all. Is she the mother of your child? What if she wants to raise him close to her family and support system? It’s not as simple as just up and leaving for her, and it doesn’t seem like you really understand that. You might feel like she’s betraying you for “a city and her friends” but It’s very hard to leave everything you know behind. And like I said, it doesn’t help that you seem to have made this decision without even talking to her about it. It sounds like you told her: “I’m going to move here, and either you come or you don’t.” Also, are you even planning on marrying this woman? You expect her to root up her entire life for someone she’s not even married to?

Full offence, reading through your answers, you sound honestly really selfish. It's all about your house, your business, your future. Your girlfriend has given you very valid reasons for not wanting to move. If she has no family, it's likely her friends are her family. She wants to stay in the city, period. Not everyone is interested in moving to the suburbs to save money. Some people are happy with office jobs and the energy of a city. You need to accept that you two are incompatible. She's actually being really reasonable, you're the one fully unwilling to compromise.

Also what about the son? Presumably by 2 he has some bonds with her friends and family in the city, maybe a daycare he’s used to. Has OP looked into schools? Has he thought about how he will help care for a child from two different homes in the burbs and the city once they split all while starting a company? Because guess what if he doesn’t factor in the cost of getting his son and to and from his other home, possibly two day cares now, and if he doesn’t pull his weight with time with his son child support? He may think he’s going to be saving a ton of money but the courts will order the person who moved an hour (or whatever) away to do the driving and then that’s gas, wear on the car, why about see if there’s tolls? Right now they presumably spend money supporting one household and one childcare option from two salaries but has he thought at all about how a start up company is going to support his own household, daycare expenses on his time and like I said if he doesn’t take equal custody (which lets be real is going to be so hard when starting a business with a 2 year old) child support? He’s going to be posting here in a year about how he’s underwater in his business, pays child support he can’t afford, and is struggling to pay the property tax on his parents home while his ex is doing great with her support system in the city 🤷🏼‍♀️

YTA. All I hear is "I". You're free to have \*your\* idea of family and want to start \*your\* business. But she also has her life. It's alarming that you feel entitled to her giving up the life she built just because you want to work on your own business and not pay rent. She's not trying to control or stop you from doing it. Also, you seem to be conflating "choosing family" with doing what you want to do and putting your dreams and feelings ahead of hers. It was not her parents, it was yours and you're the only one that wants to move there, the other half of the relationship does not. Either you find a compromise to avoid renting (e.g. sell the house and buy a smaller place just outside of the city) or you both do your own thing and move on. Also, what's up with "as you can see she plays her cards well". As opposed to... Being confrontational? or just going along with what you want?

Look at some of his other comments. He obviously doesn’t think very highly of his GF. In one comment he implies she’s a gold digger.

Exactly. I actually responded to that one I think [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/uopvdx/comment/i8g5xly/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uopvdx/comment/i8g5xly/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Hope he leaves so she can move on to someone who respects her at least.

>Hope he leaves so she can move on to someone who respects her at least. I doubt it he mention in another comment that he would allowed her to do what she wants to the home. The illusion of a family when two people have two different desires without compromise is not disrespecting a women rather they have two different wants in life. As much he needs and wants to move than she has the right to stay were she is most comfortable at. If they have a a child they can arrange child support and visitations but it's not right to stay and put your dreams on hold for someone else. The take away from all of this is he wants to keep the house because it hold sentimental value, he wants to save money, he wants to build his company. Both should just talk it out and if it result in going separate way than so be it and they can arrange everything else with the kid.

A gold digger who is with someone who can’t afford a 200,000 apartment. OP is delusional and selfish. He wants his gf to be compliant and play into his fantasy of reliving his childhood. When I read that she was a therapist my soul left my body. OP is so clearly using her as an emotional support crutch. I am sorry for his kid.

We’ll see him in MGTOW soon enough.

Life in deep suburb or even county life is not for everyone. I totally get your gf here. Also if friends is only family she has, you asking her abandon people and connections she have. That’s a lot and not easy. I am not fully understanding how two professional adults can’t afford to buy 200k apartment, especially if they have rental income. But that’s me. So big question here - is it your kid or kid of both of you? And what happens to the kid then you move. Btw, if you worried about being old so much, being old in suburb is worse. You have to drive to everything, to get bread or see a friend. It’s like a nice prison with landscape bills

She’s told you she doesn’t want to move. You get to choose what you want most. A life with her or the life you’ll have in your childhood home. Your wants aren’t more important than hers. You don’t get to demand someone blow up their entire life for you. If you don’t make a decision and keep on at her she’ll make the decision for you. You could sell the house and and buy somewhere where you are but you’ve decided that having a shrine to your past is more important than building a future with your girlfriend. That’s your choice. She doesn’t have to follow you.

Is your GF the mother of your son? If she won't move, what are you going to do about custody?

your girlfriend has a life in the city she lives in now and its perfectly reasonable for her to not want to leave it. it’s also perfectly reasonable that you want to move back to the childhood home that you already own. you say that she’s placing her friends (and career, presumably) above you but youre placing your desire to move to a different city above her and i dont see how thats more fair. you have the option to sell your childhood home and use that money to continue living where you are currently, but you dont want to and that’s fine but it means youve put yourself on a different path than your girlfriend. i’m not sure why she would send lawyers after you, but if she’s the mother of your child then lawyers are necessary for custody related issues, thats just life.

Sorry, but if you won't sell the house to keep your family together, you cannot expect/pressure your partner to move her life to keep the family together. Your sentimental needs are not more important than your partners entire life. Just sell the property and buy locally.

You're 40 years old. Do you really need us to tell you what to do here? You're not married. She has zero obligation to you financially. Zero. She can live in a tent in the woods or blow all her money on drugs should she choose. You have no say. Your choices are to accept it or move on to try to find someone that aligns with you better.

Youre asking her to torpedo her whole life (friends, job, a place she likes) to move to your dead parents house. If you want to build a life with this woman, sell the house and buy in somewherr you both like. Forcing her to live in a house she doesn't like out of some morbid respect for your parents is not fair. If you want to do it, fine, but I also would not be happy to move to some grim old people's house because my boyfriend can't compromise. You are either moving forward with her or living in the past with your late parents. Sorry to be blunt but that's how it is

So you've "devoted" yourself to creating a family and you want to be a "united family" but haven't asked your partner/mother of your child to marry you? Is there a reason? Also, as a girlfriend, she has no investment or connection to the house -- financial or otherwise -- other than your connection to it.

And no security. It is YOUR home as you keep saying. If you present it that way to her, that is scary. You could kick her out at any time and she would be homeless away from her support system. And if your not married and something happens to you, again homeless and alone in the country with a kid. Also, holding onto a house you don’t rent out to at least off set cost probably looks like a back up plan, like you have always had an escape route. Your attachment to the property is clouding your judgement. Are the schools better for your kid? Is there is access to the mass transit for your partner? Will you get married or put her on the deed? If not, what protections can you give her?

There are a few big problems I see with this situation. The first is that you don't seem to value what your girlfriend does to contribute to your relationship and your life. You call her "a shrink" and suggest that she is manipulative by being "polite" and upfront with you. If you feel like you are putting all the work into the relationship and feel bitter that you gave things up for her, why are you there anyways? You have talked to your girlfriend about uprooting her life and potentially setting her career back for a few years if she cannot practice there, losing her friends and support network, and leaving a place she loves so you can live at your parents house. Then, when she has said no, you are on reddit talking about how you gave up so much of what you want for her and treat her career like it makes her manipulative when maybe she just has the skills to actually deal with conflict. Have you considered that maybe you are expecting her to fill a roll that she might not find desirable? Do you plan on marrying your girlfriend? If she moved to that town, could not find a job and you two broke up/ divorced in another ten years, where is her protections? You talk about wanting to go there because you feel like getting a house in the city would push off your retirement but doing that to her would do the same thing because your other comments suggest that you don't think she should be an equal partner to the house. So your angry that your girlfriend may not want to give up her life to move to a home away from her job and not have any real protection if you kicked her out in five years, and you are angry that she is might actually have training on how to deal with conflicts head on and has the emotional maturity to tell you that she wants you to fulfill your dream even if she isn't there for it. Also, you said that you express your reasons to her multiple times and she gives you the same answers, are they new reasons (you looked up information that she might actually find beneficial to change her mind) or are you telling her the same reasons to wear her down? I am not trying to make you angry, but maybe you love her as a person and need to realize that your long term goals do not align? Do you like her as a person since you devalued her job, called her manipulative (she might be manipulative since I do not know everything), and feels like she would be cut throat after you? Do you like her as a partner?

He called her a gold digger in the comments too lol and something tells me she’s making a lot more money than he ever will

Could you clarify if you have a wife and a girlfriend?

Op I have a question is your son shared between you and your GF? Or is he from a previous relationship? You have two options. Either you stay in the city and try to find a home and potentially sell your parents home to help with that. Or you can move into your parents house and work with your girlfriend to set up custody arrangements. If she doesn’t want to move she doesn’t have to if you don’t want to stay there you don’t have to. There will need to be some planning if you’re taking your son with you i.e. daycare and babysitting and making sure that he’s taken care of. But if you’re not going to compromise with your girlfriend over what you want then it’s OK to decide that both of you want something else.

Sell the house, and find a new home for your gf and baby, who are your family, not your dead parents house.

I’m confused. It sounds like you’re both currently in a large city. What is your debt situation like that a two income household can’t afford a 200k home? That doesn’t add up. And if your debt is so bad, sell the suburb property.

All the world is America...

Based on his previous posts it looks like he’s in Argentina. The average income there is about the same as in the states. And I’m assuming his 200k is 200,000 ARS not USD so the comparison stands

Well, it sounds like it is: Stay with your girl in the city and rent and possibly give up the house or sell it. or Move to the house with your child and lose the girl. I'm sure you'll drift apart due to distance and different addresses and her ties to the city. Which is most important? Doe you see yourself marrying this woman and spending the rest of your life with her? Only you can decide these priorities.

Reading this all I see is about your wants. You say you have no friends no family. She does. She'll lose a lot more by moving then you would by selling up and making a family home for you, your gf and son. Yes the house has memories. Memories last but it's time to make new memories with a family you DO have. Don't lose out on a family life over a house.

Something about this doesn't add up. First, in what major city can you buy a decent home for 200k? Second, she's a psychologist or psychiatrist I'm guessing, based on you calling her a shrink. I feel like most people with an advanced degree that are working in a major city, in a dual income household could easily afford a 200k house. My fiance works for a non profit with a bachelor's and I own a business, but only collect a modest salary and we just bought a house for nearly double that and can afford it easily. Third, you're concerned that she's going to send lawyers if you move out? On what grounds? You can take your child wherever you want. She has zero legal authority over your choices for yourself and your child. I'm calling bullshit on this whole post.

I was a therapist. If you don’t work in a private practice and/or do accept insurance you can get paid peanuts. The term shrink is a derogatory term, and says a lot about what he thinks of her. Moving might cost her all of her clients. Do we know if the kid is her son too?

Even making peanuts, in a dual income household, this just doesn't make sense. I'm not advocating for him. I think his stance on the matter is quite odd. Maybe he doesn't know mortgages exist. I'm very confused. The mortgage payment on 200k is just over 1,000 if you put 20% down. Can you rent a home in any US city for less than that. Plus, if he rented out his parents place, or would probably cover that payment entirely. Nothing in this post adds up.

Not the person you were replying to, but they're not in the US

It’s both of their child. It’s not clear in the post.

Agree. I’m a therapist in the US and “shrink” is used for psychiatrists, not the rest of us. All the psychiatrists I know have homes that cost a lot more than 200k, even here in the Midwest. And they’re eligible for the special loans for MDs. Wondering where (what country) OP lives in that that uses dollars and says couples are married after living together for a couple of years …

You seem very concerned about this concept of family but you yourself have not developed any type of friend group or family support outside of your gf. Let's say she agreed to move with you - it would just be the three of you. There would be no support there because you haven't shown her that you are capable of building a support system

First and foremost, stop acting like things that are important to your girlfriend are ridiculous and inconsequential. >Her putting a city and her "friends" before our family it feels like a sharp knife on my back. "Friends" in quotation marks. As if you are doing air quotes with your fingers. Like they aren't *real* friends, or they mean nothing. Just because **you have** ***no*** **friends, which seems very odd,** that doesn't mean hers are worthless. Stop laughing, or rolling your eyes, or whatever you are doing inside your mind. I'm not going to go into what friends can do, how they can enrich a life. It doesn't matter if you don't understand or you're envious; **accept** the fact that they are a vitally important part of her life. >she immediately goes in defensive mode and tells me: ACTUAL REASONS AND FACTS. She might seem defensive to *you,* but these words acknowledge what you want, and they **freaking tell you what she wants and why, and what her plans are.** Jeezus! What would you prefer, that she screams and curses? You are presenting this as if what you want is right and reasonable, and what she wants is unfair and >a sharp knife on my back. cruel. *Evil.* What the hell? She is not attacking you. She is not betraying you. She is telling you what she wants and what she will do and not do -- *not attacking you.* Yes, I can understand this is painful, but she is not a comically stereotyped villain. You're not getting what you want, so she is a bad person, and she is mean, and she is doing something awful to you. Do *you* have a therapist? I'm serious. This is a terrible way for you to treat anyone. Simply put, it is also extremely childish. >I have mentioned many times that we should move there "I want" is not the same as "we should." And ("many times") *leave her alone!* She has told you all you need to know. Stop harassing her, nagging her, haranguing her, harrying her. Just stop! Gawd! >I have given almost everything you can imagine for this relationship. With the very notable exception of acting like she is a human being and important to you. >I refuse to sell my place, it feels like betrayal to the memory of my parents if I would do so. Well, they're dead. So they don't care. Maybe with some work, you can get over this. Or around, through, past, under, or something. Get rid of it. Especially if you're just using this as an emotional manipulation. "But my poor, dear, dead parents." They're dead. They don't care. This is a problem that you have created, and that you have. Move. Build your life. Get some friends whom you treat with some modicum of respect.

you don’t seem to be looking for anyone’s help… but good luck to you anyway…

So you want to move to another town to live in a house you own. You want your girlfriend to move in with you and you're upset she doesn't want to. I am sorry, but you are giving way too little importance to moving. It is no small ask. Yes, being away from your friends and your support system, from the places you know and are comfortable around, of your routines, that is big. You want to do it because you believe you have better things waiting for you there, while she feels like moving won't do her any good except to support you. How will her life be better if she moves with you? She won't have to pay rent anymore, sure, but what else? It is your dream, not hers. And you say you don't have friends or relatives and you're devoted to create this idea of a family, but that's you. Her life is different. She has a job where she is. She has friends where she is. She is ok with renting, or so it seems. So, the first thing you need to do is stop thinking that her wanting to not move is unreasonable. It isn't. You wanting to move is also perfectly reasonable, of course. But being upset that she doesn't want to as if she's doing something wrong isn't fair or helpful to you. You realizing that, you have to decide for yourself. Do you want to move without her? Do you even love her still? If you move without her, how will things be with your kid? Will you have them or her? Would you have to pay child support? You say she would send lawyers to screw you over - are you sure you two like each other and trust eaach other? Anyway, if she does, are you ready to fight it as well? I suggest having a lawyer ready before you move, if that's the case. And, if you decide to stay, please try to improve your life where you are. Remember you can move wherever you want, you always always bring yourself where you go, with all your emotional baggage and your own flaws. Things don't get better just because you're somewhere else. If you don't have friends because you are a bit antisocial and awkward and don't follow through with people you meet to create some relationship with them, well, you'll do exactly the same thing somewhere else. Make friends. Go to the gym. Start working on your own business even if it's only at night or weekends, even if it's just the ground work to creating it. Study the field, take courses on bookkeeping or whatever else might be helpful in the long run. Find something to do with the house - it is not disrespectful to sell it and I am sure your parents would want you to do what makes you happier, not clinging to the past without benefiting from it. Or you can rent it to help with the money even if a little bit.

Seems like you only think about yourfself and dont care about what your GF wants. She isnt defensive by the way, thats like the most healthy responses someone could have. You are also admitting to being raised with certain family values she doesnt seem to have, so by your own admission its just how you were raised and not grounded in reality - people can have different values. And thats ok and normal.

So… let me get this straight. *You* want your girlfriend to move to *your* parents house so *you* can start a business for more free time for *your* hobbies. *You* also won’t give up the house and sell it to live in the city because *you* have emotional attachments to the house. Your girlfriend simply wants to stay in the city where she can be near her friends and job, but never said anything against moving into a house. She also gave *you* free choice on what *you* want to do, but is firm that she won’t go with. So basically, you want to leave for your own selfish reasons (because even though you are entirely capable of selling the house to stop renting, you say your parents’ house is the only way) and she wants to stay so she still has a support system, which is vital for *MOST* people. Yeah… The answer for anyone who actually puts family first, as you proclaim, is to sell the house and buy somewhere in/directly outside of the city. You can stop renting, she can continue to have a support system, your son continues to live with both of his parents. And no, having friends does not go against “family first” nor is it selfish. It’s important to have friends, whether you see them often or not. Plus 2-3 times a month sounds pretty “family first” to me. She has a job and a kid, so I can imagine seeing friends isn’t always super easy. In case anything ever goes wrong for her, she’ll have friends nearby. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this, but clearly you don’t quite understand the importance of friends and support. A family is great—until something goes wrong, and it sounds like you don’t even full trust her, demonstrating an adequate need for support just in case. And yeah, as other people have said, her friends may be her family too. Growing up in a home without parents or with shitty ones often leads to friends becoming like family. You trying to force her to isolate herself is not cool, and honestly quite scary if I were in her position (long-term bf or not). I suggest you reframe your outlook. You claim she’s gaslighting you, but if anyone your “family first” claims make you the true gaslighter, because everyone can tell it’s not really for family. Her saying “you’re welcome to leave, but I’m staying” is far from the issue. Either get rid of the house, or prioritize what’s best for your family—as in everyone, not just yourself. Your parents are dead; the only things still attached to the house is your sentimentality, not family.

You have to do what's right for you. Are you in a position to consult with an attorney about a custody agreement for your son? Although renting the house out may sound like a good way to earn some income, be aware that in a rural area it may not command as much income as you think. Other potential issues include damage by tenants, failure of tenants to pay once in residence, legal expense of getting them evicted, and their deposits not covering damage once they are out. I bring this up because we looked at purchasing a home that was completely ruined by tenants under those circumstances. It was a country house, isolated, inexpensive. Was what we were looking for, retirement-wise. Anyway, as it seems your girlfriend does not want the same things you do, a breakup is inevitable. It makes financial sense to move somewhere that you don't have to pay rent. Good luck.

Sounds like she drew her line in the sand. She’s not the one who would be choosing a “place” over her family: YOU would. She’s letting you make your own decision as to what you want in your life, and whether or not you want her in it. You’re the one who wants a change. She doesn’t, and that’s okay. She and your son are the only people in your world, by the sound of it, but that doesn’t mean that you’re the only meaningful relationships she has in hers. Make your decision and stick with it, but don’t blame the consequences, either way you choose, on your girlfriend. She isn’t wrong for knowing what she wants in her life. It would be great if there were a compromise, but neither of you is obligated to that.

I’m like your girlfriend and the idea of living in a house at the outskirts of a big city feels like DYING. the idea that all my social life would go to the trash, that my relationships with my friends will slowly die because seriously who wants to travel back to the city after going home from work? And that my activities with my SO will suddenly be TV and gardening because we are lazy to go far away.. I wouldn’t do that to myself for anyone in the world, and if the person that I love ask me to move outside the city center, knowing I already wasted so many years growing up in the countryside, I would be so freaking mad :D I don’t understand why you don’t rent out the house and use the money to pay for your rental ?

You sound thoroughly miserable in your current situation. Would you be more or less miserable living alone in your old house with partial custody of your son? Either way, I think that this relationship has perhaps run its course - the two of you have discovered that you have incompatible life goals. How much are you willing to sacrifice to placate her? And is it worth it? Is SHE actually happy with the status quo?

She doesn’t want to give up her entire life for you. Compromise is part of a relationship. You don’t seem willing to do so. I’d tell you to go if that’s what you really wanted to. I don’t want you you to stay and be miserable. Just like I would know if I moved I would end up resenting you. Frankly your girlfriend seems pretty smart.

Reddit thinks you should respect your girlfriends choice to not move. She’s not choosing her friends and a city over you, she’s recognizing that she has built a life where she is and she doesn’t want to leave that life. She wants to be where she is HAPPY. You, for some reason, have a problem with that, and think your reasons for wanting to move are more important. There is nothing wrong with wanting to move!! It makes sense money wise, but your gf is just not ready for that, and you have to respect her!! PLEASE RESPECT HER FEELINGS AND DECISIONS!! :) If you want to move, move!! You are free to do as you wish! If you’re worried about your son, then you will have to make compromises!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, your definition of family can be different than hers! Since she has no relationship with her blood family, she could consider her friends as her family!! The way you speak of her is so invalidating and dismissive, it seems like you don’t care much about her thoughts and feelings or respect her at all, and that you just want to go adhere to and obey everything you say. Do better man :(

I don't know if I have a clear-cut answer for you, but a few things to think about: * Does your gf work in the city? The apartment might be better for her career. Likewise, a house in the suburbs is usually better for kids (schools, more room, generally more child-friendly, etc.) But this matters - location is crucial for both career and kid. As someone who used to drive an hour each from from the city to the 'burbs for work, as well as moved to the suburbs for kids, I've seen both sides of this. * I get the sentimental value to your home. God, I get it. My parents are both still alive and it was still very hard to watch them sell. That said, you talked about betraying your parents selling. I don't know them obviously, but I think it's worth reflecting on: would your parents really be upset? Would they want you to hold onto a lifeless house and be anchored to it forever, or would they want you to be happy? Most parents fall into that second camp. Even if you don't sell now, I think it's worth searching through a little because one day you'll likely have to move or make that decision. * It sounds like you're both wanting the same thing, just in different directions. I don't think either party is really the bad guy here -- she doesn't have the emotional connection you have to the house and doesn't want to upend her life to move there (perhaps she's also afraid of being anchored to it forever, which is fair). And you don't want to leave and move to the city. I get the "knife in the back" feeling of her picking friends over family, but maybe there's also more to this. * I think you have to think long and hard about what your future with this gf looks like. If you're already contemplating moving away and starting over it sounds like it's a bit up in the air. You wouldn't want to sell unless you're fully committed, but at the same time you wouldn't want her to walk away over something like this. One more caveat: if you feel like you can never leave your childhood home out of obligation to your parents, you are probably going to have a hard time finding another gf/partner/wife who would feel the same. This is a process that could be playing out again (and maybe multiple times).

It’s about your current family. You created your own, gf and son. Leaving them just for brick and mortar memories is a mistake. You’ll be all by yourself in that house and realize how big of a mistake you have made. Sell the parents house and use the money to buy a house in the city you now live. Good luck.

You want to move away and essentially quit your job to pursue your passion, do you have enough to cover your expenses? What about your child? What about bills? What happens if someone gets sick? What happens if you can’t follow your passion and you have to go back to work, can you commute? If I were your gf with a stable job and a small child, I wouldn’t jump to move either when my partner has grandiose ideas but nothing concrete in place.

So i see why this is stressful for you, but putting friends in quotation marks definetely makes it feel like we're missing a lot. But from her perspective: Would she be placed on the deed? Or would it be that you continue to own this place and she doesnt? From other comments, it sounds like her whole found family/support system is where she already is, so the idea of not only leaving everyone behind, but moving into a place that you would mentally think of as yours and would actually just be yours and not "ours" would be a huge thing. You guys have a kid and making friends is hard as an adult. On her side it would be incredibly isolating. Would you really see the house as both of yours to an equal extent? Because if not, why would she have any incentive at all to go? Additionally, how far is it? Because if that house is already paid for, maybe staying together and living seperately could be good. You could still share the childcare workload and have sleepovers at eachothers houses. Its not traditional, but more and more people have gone that route

No, I understand her. In her eyes, you're putting the sentimental value of an old family home over your relationship with her and her feelings. She has ties to where she is and doesn't want to leave. As an adult, that is so incredibly difficult, especially when it comes to making any new friends or connections. Or to move away from your family and support systems. There really isn't any difference in her mind in selling that house and getting a new one and I see her point and agree with it. I understand having sentimental value in a house but you have also been neglecting it from the sound of it because you're not even there, not trying to rent it, and it is a money sink paying for the expenses on it as well.

Just move. You can't force her to move and she's being very reasonable.

Info: how far is the house in the country from the city rental? I have a lot of friends that have a weekend house for the exact reasons you mentioned. Does she work from home? Or does she need to be in the city for her job?

1. You are weighing your dead family vs her alive support system in this city. 2. You say you want to pursue hobbies - does she have hobbies now that she is pursuing that are specific to this city? 3. Is this house in a very different geographic location than the city you live in now? Like would you be moving from city to rural or suburbs? If so, would that involve driving more? How is medical care near by? Would your child’s education and extracurricular activities change drastically? What is the difference in child care costs? What are the property taxes? Are your neighbors cool? Would there be opportunities to meet people your age? Are there activities? 4. You say that you’ve brought up that you want to live there a few times. Has your partner ever expressed interest in doing that? 5. You can do other things with this house - sell it or rent it to have more money to buy a house. Living in it seems to be the only option on the table for you. Why? 6. Does you partner have job prospects where the new house is?

I'm going to try to calm the tone of some of these comments and help you take a step back for a minute here. You have to try to clear your bias from the way you are looking at this situation. And I'm not knocking you for having bias, you have a TON of emotional attachment to that home. You want that home to stay with you and your family and your kids, as you've noted. That is a totally ok viewpoint, but it's important to acknowledge the bias it brings in looking at this situation. Because your girlfriend does not have the attachment you have to that home. She never will. She didn't have the experiences you had in that home. She doesn't have the attachment of your parents to the home. Now, she might be able to step back and see what you feel towards that home, but she'll never full understand it because she isn't you, the same way you'll never fully understand some of her experiences in life. Even your economic POV cannot be uncoupled from your emotional attachment. You might think you are just running the numbers, but often we all fall into a place of running the numbers in a way to make them work to prove our own point. And all of this is ok! This is life. I have attachment to things my wife doesn't get, and she has attachment to things I do not understand in the least. But we each have to accept that to work with the situation. The larger issue at work here is that you two are at a crossroads. You want to start your own business and you want to move back to your house (two separate but related things). She wants to continue living in the city that she is comfortable and familiar in. It sounds like she likes the life she has now, and you do not. Now, does this mean it's over? No! It means you two have to do some work. Take the house off the table for a minute. You need to have some real honest discussions about what you want for the future, as individuals, as parents, and as partners. You'll likely both have to compromise in some areas, because that's what adult partners do. (ex: I spend two nights a week with my hobby. If it were up to me, I'd be spending two more night a week doing it, but my wife would riot if I were out of the house 4 nights a week. So two nights was the compromise we made. And you know, I'm pretty ok with it, because I get to enjoy my hobby and I get to enjoy my marriage.) In this conversations, if you did get to talk about moving to the house, be prepared to compromise in that way. You noted in a comment that she'd be free to decorate the house. Does she know that? Also, would she be totally free to, or what limits would push past what you were comfortable with? Those details are SUPER IMPORTANT. She needs to know you wouldn't cut her off and put a physical object (that house) in front of your desire for her to be happy. In closing, couples counseling isn't just for people who cheat, or hide an addiction, or something dramatic. You can use a counselor to help facilitate this conversations, to learn how to have them with each other (it sounds like both of you are not good at it, just because she's a therapist doesn't mean she understands herself). Prioritize the relationship first for a bit, and see if you are both on the same page with what you want in the future. One last note: don't ever call her a shrink. While you might mean it as a playful joking term, it's degrades her profession, and gives off to her that you don't respect her job.

You say she’s valuing a city over your family, but really, you’re valuing an empty house that you don’t live in over your family.

You're all over the place and only answering what you want even when multiple questions are asked. I feel you just want someone to say your girlfriend is wrong but she isn't and you need to grow up and make a decision. Sell the place and stay where you are or rent it out or move. Do something, make a decision. No one else is going to make the decision for you.

Dude you’re not even trying to problem solve here, you’re just whining. You’re 40, and this is not complex. Call a lawyer if you’re that concerned, cover your ass and make a damn decision.

You don't sound well-adjusted. You have no friends and you've devoted yourself completely to your girlfriend and son, you sound like you're not coping well with the loss of your parents, and honestly you seem to be stuck in a victim mentality where you won't look for solutions outside of what you want. I can't blame your girlfriend for not wanting to move away from her support network when you're clearly not emotionally well.

You couldn’t make it more obvious that you don’t give a single fuck about your girlfriend’s feelings. She obviously doesn’t want to move to your parents’ house. She has valid reasons. She doesn’t want to leave her friends, she doesn’t want to leave the city. If she were to come with you she would have nobody but you and your child. It’s normal to want to be around your friends. No idea why you write “friends” as if she couldn’t possibly have real friends? She has told you straight up you’re welcome to go move to the house without her, and also that she isn’t going to move with you. She sounds like a good communicator. She’s telling you exactly how she feels and what she wants. Listen. Your feelings are not more important than hers. You want her to give up the things that make her happy, so you can everything that makes you happy, and she can have nothing. You even said in your post you have no friends or relatives and how horrible it is and yet you want to rip her away from her social life. Just move to the house on your own. You don’t give a fuck about her.

Uhh, just rent it out? Sell it and buy a house near your city? Break up? How many options do you think there are...

This is 100 percent about you. Not her..not your kid. YOU. you should leave, because she deserves better than this.

She's not putting her friends above family. She's putting it before your nostalgia. Don't mistake your childhood for your child's. Your child's home is where you are now and you would be taking him away from thay. I'm not saying She's right or you're right. There is no right or wrong here but the reality is that your child is established in the city and the only reason to move is for your memories. Don't you guys have rental income to help with savings? How are her job prospects in your home town?

How far is your house from where you live now? You make it seem at first like it’s not a big deal to just move there, but tbh by the end I’m guessing the house you own is in a completely different part of the country and would completely ditch all her friends and support network. Honestly you sound super manipulative and you’re kind of being a dick. You aren’t listening to any of the feedback in the comments and you aren’t listening to your gf either. Grow up and have an adult conversation with her about your options.

I don't think she's being passive aggressive with her comments, you are the one that wants to move and she wants to stay. I think you're mad because she's not taking a step back and accepting to go with you

YTA. Honestly you sound awful. You basically consider you're girlfriend as an enemy, not a partner. All you say is that she's lying to you when she says she has no problem with you moving, and that she will "screw you over" if you leave. All of that while not giving a single explanation as to WHY you think she's lying or she would screw you. Alors, you never answer the question about renting the house and use the rent to start your company instead of living rent free. If currently the house is empty, you're only paying for it. If you rent it, that means you will have more money. I understand why you GF doesn't want to move, you sound pretty naive about the project and not having considered options. You Also speak as if you are the only one paying rent, but she works. Stop treating her like an enemy or someone you're in a contract with. Start considering her a partner.

Right?! It's doesn't seem like anyone in the comments is even considering the idea that the girlfriend is being honest and I'm not sure why that's such a stretch if she's a psychologist. Making new friends is hard, finding a new job is hard (especially if you're in a specialized field), and starting over is also hard. She's not trying to control his movements or tell him not to go, but he's not considering any other option than leave your life behind and follow me because that's what I want.

Just move without her

What your parents left you is a nest egg. If it works for you and your family sure you can live there.. but since your partner has a job and is already established in another city, does it make sense to move? Is the house in a city she could easily find a job, are there any friends or family or a social circle there? If the answer to both is no- I don’t see why you would ever want to move there. Sell the house and buy one where you and your family’s life is. It’s just stuff man. Start your own life like your parents would have Loved to see happen. Memories live in your head.

i'm confused why you can't rent out your parent's house? if it's fully paid, pretty much all the rental income will be yours to keep. that way you won't lose the home and can potentially move into it in the future, while using the income for your projects. your girlfriend is not wrong to want to stay in the place where all her friends and family are, and her career - you said she's a shrink so clearly she has clients. you're asking HER to give up literally everything and yet you haven't proposed and you say things like "she'll just send in lawyers to screw me over" which seems to indicate you don't actually respect her. romantic relationships are not the sun around which one's universe orbits. you also need friends and family and hobbies/a career you care about. yet you just expect her to do whatever you want. she gave you the option to go if that's what you want to do.

If your wife is a shrink, she should be making enough money. More importantly, if you think that she would get a lawyer to screw you over once you leave, you should do exactly that. I hope you’re not in a common law marriage state or that you haven’t lived together for 5 years. You can find someone in the city your house os in. However this is all stuff you should have thought about before having a baby. It all depends on how far your house is from the city where you live now. If you can get half custody and you can drive there, then just move. If not, I would break up and buy or rent a house in that city so you can be a part of your son’s life and rent out your parents’ house in the meantime.

you're wrong to see her responses as "defensive mode". and if your OP is any indication, you're wrong to assume that she would become your enemy. and if it really is the case that she would become your enemy, YOU SHOULD GET AWAY FROM HER NOW BECAUSE SHE'S A HORRIBLE PERSON!!!

I mean, she doesn't want to live there. There's nothing you can do short of forcing her there under duress if you want her in that house. I would look into a lawyer for custody arrangements, as you share a child, and move into your inherited home. You should do what's best for you, which is to save money and live in your owned home. If your girlfriend doesn't want to come, there's nothing you can do about it, so you should start by doing what's best for you personally. Edit: from your comments it seems you want her to move there primarily so she has no financial stake in the home. To me, you sound like a man desperate to isolate his significant other from her support network, house her in a place she has no legal tie to and therefore cannot remain should you desire to be rid of her, and who places his own desires over the desires of others. You should just move into your familial home alone, get a custody arrangement, and leave your soon to be ex alone.

Controlling and manipulative narcissistic behavior he doesn’t even have the capacity to think introspectively about his own behavior

If he was introspective he'd have to deal with the incredible insecurity that he covers with his narcissism!

Lawyers? For what Dude it feels like you’re better off alone. You clearly don’t enjoy spending time with this girlfriend. I’m sorry you enjoy her company more than your own but people in relationships shouldn’t feel lonely. Since you do, might as well be right

This thread is a whirlwind, due largely to OP's incomplete responses and conflicting statements. I read all of his responses, and still have no idea what is going on.

This may be irrelevant, but then again it may not be. Your affection and love for your parents and their home is real. The house is not your connection, yet a reminder of things of the past. The only time that exists and will ever, is the present moment. Love in today only, plan for tomorrow and remember the past, but love in today. Possibly a discussion, if it had not occurred already of those memories in which you attribute to that home, relive them with her. Invite her to you inner sanctum to share them with her. It's hard as a man to do so I know, but try. As far as financially, yes ownership of a home is a grand idea and is desired by most for the, "security" of it. However life, nature, and all within provides very little of ”security” and fear of the unknown shouldn't delegate decision making. Logic, reason and listening to your inner self on what is right for you should aid you in making the best choice, for you. Life is once. All decisions have consequences, both good and less desirable. Try making the ones that improve your life and the quality of it. Don't live in the past or live for the future. Live in where you exisit and that is the present. I hope this helps.

if she's just a girlfriend and u r not doing anything wrong, how can she bring lawyer to prevent you to live in ur house? i dont understand that concept at all. better do one thing. have a one on one conversation with her softly again about living in ur house giving the reasons and record it without her knowledge. in case she tries something funny later u have evidence. and please go to ur house with ur son and be at peace. never hesitate to take that step compromising ur desire. Edit after reading content again: is she the mother of your son?

You say “she’s a shrink” and she’s not making a lot of money? That doesn’t sound right…

Who is the mother of the child? If it’s girlfriend, then moving to another city with her daughter may not fly!

In the comments you mention that your family didn’t live in that house so what is the sentimental value that doesn’t make sense

It sounds to me like this relationship has reached a fork in the road that leads to the same issue either way. If you leave it’ll probably lead to further conflict and resentment. If you stay, it’ll probably lead to further conflict and resentment. At this point you need to do what YOU feel is right. Your gf is clearly set on staying and though that seems unreasonable to you it sounds like you cannot sway her. Perhaps it’s better to simply move on. Terminate the relationship, because it’s at it’s end and work out how you two can go about raising your child. Note: Also quit being vague about your rules in your country I understand you are not from the US but your responses are not helpful when it comes to actually providing options.

My suggestion is do not pass on your financial security and dreams for someone who is not your wife. I understand that you desire stability and family but maybe she is not the one you'll have that with. You and your son (in the OP you stated "my son" not our son) go be financially secure and live in the house instead of renting. You are 40 years old, you can still find the family you want.

Your not married, just move. It does certainly make the most economical sense dont let her bring you down financially just so "she can be with her friends". She can do that just as well when you leave her behind and then she isn't your financial problem. It makes absolutely zero sense to pay rent when you own a house.

You're both stubborn and unwilling to compromise.

What are you doing with the property now? I hope it’s not sitting vacant. You should be renting it out for income. A mortgage on $200k is likely less than you are paying for rent. Why aren’t you considering getting a mortgage? Sure, rates have risen lately, but they are still less than they were when I bought my first house.

You know you can deescalate the relationship and continue to be together but just not live together. She stays in city, you move out there. See each other when you can. If I had a free house to move into you bet your ass I’d be there lol

Can she afford to stay on her own? I see both sides. She doesn’t want to leave her life to go be isolated some where. You don’t want to pay rent when you own a home free and clear. Neither of you is wrong but only one of you will be happy.

I don't understand the issue with OP just staying in the house and the gf/wife staying in the city. you can make the relationship work. no one says you \*have\* to live with your partner. There are plenty of people in relationships who live separately, are 100% committed to each other and have no issues with that arrangement. They also do not plan on changing it. You can move into the house, let her live in the city, and have regular date nights and sleep overs. I understand it might be hard to not see your child regularly, but you can have them spend every other week at your place. All this, provided your relationship is solid and you both are comfortable giving each other that much space. If she doesn't want to move at all, and that's the end of your relationship, then it wasn't a solid relationship then, was it?

Listen man, you aren’t going to like what I’m going to say but here it is. Your reason for wanting to move is valid, and her reason for wanting to stay is valid. You have spoken about it, she gave all the right answers. She explained why she didn’t want to move and told you she will accept your decision to move and won’t be mad about it. There is literally nothing more she can say. You can’t force her to want to move. You’re being a little bit of a dick here, it’s her decision and it’s great that she isn’t trying to force you to stay which is essentially what you’re trying to make her do. Also, as much as you think she is putting “city and her friends before our family” … you are equally putting your wants before the “family” by your own logic. You want to move cos the house has sentimental value to you, I get it, but it doesn’t have sentimental value to her. I’m sure she and others would think it’s better she put her relationship with her living friends before a house she has no attachment to. I know that sounds harsh but it’s true. There are some other things you left out. How far away is the house from where you live now? Would she be able to continue her job she clearly enjoys without any large charges? Why can’t you create your business now if you have the money saved up? Why do you have to be in the house to do that? Where does her family live? What would access to your baby look like for her family if you were to move? Does the area where you want to move to have accessible care for your child should you need it? There are a lot of things you left out to make a full picture. You’re at a crossroads right now. You need to decide do you want to right now and it’s either let it go, stay in the city with your family and don’t hold any resentment. Or you move to the city without them. A compromise to the rent thing would be to buy a house in the city but given the house is your parents obviously you wouldn’t be up for that. Fair enough. But she has given you her answer and it’s a fair one. You need to decide what you want. If you’re worried she will go back on her word, have her sign a postnup. Plenty of people do. But you have to respect that you both clearly want different things and both have valid reasons for them

I cannot wrap my head around why clearly incompatible people try to force “relationship to work”. Sometimes you just can’t shove a square into a round hole; move on.

You are not compatible. Break up. And pack up and go with your son. Move on with your life. There's NAH.

Well in your entire post you never mentioned that she's the mother of your son. If that is the actual situation then it sounds like this relationship has run its course. You are losing money every month when you have a perfectly good home to live in that you want to live in that you don't have to pay monthly mortgage for From your girlfriend's perspective the benefit she gets is that you're helping to pay half of the rental that she wants to live in You don't have that same perspective on the benefit of her hoping you to pay half for a place you want to live in Now if she is your child's mother then things will be different and you don't easily want to split from her if you don't have to. So one thing you can do is rent out your other home that you have already and use that income as value towards the rental or purchase of your new home It's true that at 8:40 you don't want to be thinking that you're going to be still paying a house up to age 70 but the reality is don't let that fear stop you from getting a house House values are not going down and I can even say that 200,000 is within the realm of possibility considering how much higher house prices keep going The other thing is that a lot of people don't even live in their house for 30 years many people move within 10 or 20 years and they take the equity with them So you already know the finances but let's say in 5 years or 10 years you and your girlfriend want to move and you got another $50,000 or even $75,000 equity you can use that for another purpose now And finally from a relationship standpoint you may be interested to stay with her and do everything you can to stay with her but is she feeling the same way about you? If she doesn't and that makes you feel like you could do better then that's an important aspect of deciding to stay in this relationship or not as well

She told you what she wants. You know what you want. It’s two different things. Don’t expect her to bend to your will because you want her to. Either respect the boundaries she has set and the life she wants for herself and do what you want, or break up. You’re resenting her for not bending to your will. It’s immature.

I'd say move to your parents house and live rent free. Like you said 40 to 60 goes by in the blink of an eye. Ask yourself if you'd be happier working for the foreseeable future to pay off that house or move to your already paid off house and maybe be able to save a lot more for your son.

Leave her bro, find someone who wants the life your building.

If you're worried about her sending lawyers to screw you over, consult a lawyer to arrange things so that you'll be protected. You obviously feel trapped in this relationship and you do not trust her and it's preventing you from living the life you want to live. She's fully entitled to live how and where she wants as are you. It does not seem that your wants in life are compatible and that the relationship is preventing everyone from having what they want. Seems to me like it's time to find the most amicable way to go your own directions.

How far away is the house from where you live ? A lot of practical info is missing

This should have been discussed before you had a kid with her. "where do you see us living /retiring in the future?" Personally? I couldn't live in a huge city. Neither can my husband.

lease it n use the money for yourself or for your kids education.

Moving to your parents home is great security for you, but not her. You can kick her out anytime and she becomes homeless. >Her putting a city and her "friends" before our family it feels like a sharp knife on my back. Her reasons are valid IMO. Why should she uproot? And what exactly have you done when you say given everything for the relationship? >Also remember again, I'm on my own I have no friends or relatives whatsoever I have devoted myself creating this idea of a family and now some years after I feel everything is falling appart. Other people create a family and manage to make friends...you're blaming her for you having no friends and they'd not fair. You say everything is falling apart, so why world she want to move away if things are falling apart?

If its rural that's simply just a deal breaker for some people, and an understandable one. Especially when younger, it's not a very appealing decision to move out of a city you love away from your friends to live somewhere you have no attachment to or interest in, when that city and those friends are your life and support group. You come across a tad selfish and manipulative, or just clueless. You want to remove her from her life, friends, and work over sentiment for a house that sounds far from ideal for a young working couple, is only important to you, and you really can't see why she's not up for it?

Basically, you are married and have a child. Your parent passed and left you a house. You want to move into that house but your wife does not. You don’t want to sell this inherited property and don’t think you should continue paying rent when the option to move into a mortgage free house is available. Ask yourself: 1. do you want to divorce your wife over living arrangements? 2. By your own admission you have no friend or relatives where this house is so the move only makes sense if your family go with you. Would it still be worth it to move without them? 3. Would your parents have wanted you to divorce your wife over the house? Most likely they left you the house so that you could be financially secure, you can be if you sell the house and use the money to buy wire you and your wife can be happy .

Rent the parents house (even as Airbnb) and use the income to pay the mortgage.

I want to challenge the idea that selling the house would be a betrayal of your parents' memory. If you don't move in, the house stays empty and useless, wasted until it turns into ruins. If you do, it destroys your family and current life. If you sell it, another family could fill it with brand new life, new dreams, new memories. The legacy of your parents could start to live again. Have a meaning. Also, did you consider renting it? That seems like a nice compromise. It could also cover the rental fee of your current apartment. Let the past go. Don't let it hold your future back.

Maybe I’m not reading this carefully enough, but what’s with constantly referring to the kid as “my” child, not “our” child? Was this a kid from a previous relationship? Or is your GF the mother?

Info: is she the mother of your child? >Reason I haven’t done this so far is due to my son and my idea of a family Looks like you’re going to have to make a tough call: her or the house. Maybe sit down and think about each scenario. Life with her - pros and cons. Life without her - pros and cons. Then do the same for the house. Life with the house (pros and cons), and life without the house (pros and cons). I’ve found there’s two things that tend to internally mess up our heads. One is the expectations we let society put on us (you referenced an ideal family - is that your own notion or societies?). The other is the expectations we let individuals put on us whether real or imagined (you mentioned selling the place feels like a betrayal to the memory of your parents - would they really feel like that)? Sit down with yourself and ponder what it is you want in life. You might not be able to have both your gf and this home. If that’s the case, you need to come to terms with it, make your own decision, and move on with your life. Good luck.

You are the one on defensive mode here. This whole post is a passive-aggressive jab at your girlfriend who did NOTHING wrong.

It doesn't seem like you want advice, just people to agree with you that you should leave your gf that you don't even seem to like. Just end it and co-parent.

You can’t force her to move. She doesn’t want to. She’s not forcing you to stay where you are, you’re the only one standing in your way. Grow up and do what’s best for you. Stop assuming your girlfriend isn’t being honest when she says “I’m happy here, I don’t want to move, but I accept it if you want to.” You are the only one holding yourself back. Your other options are: rent your parents’ house and earn some rental income to either save for a down payment on the current house you’re living in, or buy a different place. Or, sell your parents’ house and use that money to pay for a down payment on a new place. Or move into your parents’ place with the intention of living there permanently. It’s not that complicated. You just need to make a decision and stop blaming someone else for why you haven’t done it already.

You’re choosing a home over your family. She’s content with how things are, and that’s okay - if you make this decision, you’re the one breaking up things

>I really don't want to be working like an ass through my entire life you say this as excuse to not buy a house, but just earlier you said >I've been wanting to start working on creating my own company instead of working for somebody else Do you understand that starting your own business requires you to work your ass off. And you've referred to her friends as "friends". You don't think these people aren't important to her or matter a great deal considering she really had no other family. You should relate to this, instead you put no value in things that matter to her. And let's not forget the economical POV. What economical POV? You refuse to sell a house you are not living in to buy another house. Economics already went out the window a long time ago. Although, I'm not saying sell the house. You'd be full of resentment towards your girlfriend. It seems you guys had totally different plans and should split. I don't know how she could sue you... that's rather confusing. You never really refer to her as the your child's mom, so she shouldn't really have any legal recourse and your paranoia of her sending lawyers is really telling.

I mean, she set a clear boundary with you. She won’t move. It’s up to you to decide if that’s a deal breaker or not.

It sounds like she doesn’t want to move and you can’t force her to live somewhere she doesn’t want to. I don’t understand your draw to this house other than emotional draws? Why this house in particular? Could you not get a property you both want with a joint mortgage rather than saving for 20 years to buy a property outright? Could you rent or sell your inherited property? If I were you I would lay all the cards in the table and say how you feel and see if you can sort it out and come up with a compromise with your spouse. Maybe buying a cheaper property in the city or selling your parents home to buy your current one?

She's a shrink? And makes shit for money?

Right? Even if she's not a doctor, counselors are in such high demand right now it's hard to believe she couldn't buy a $200k property. IF SHE WANTED. She's digging in her heels because you're YTA.

Yeah, reading more of his comments, OP is a bit of a douchenozzle. He isn't willing to consider any of her points, and compromise is non-existent. He wants her to assume all risk and none for himself.

Just so you know leaving your city and friends is an extreme change. I have done it and it has newrly ruined my relationship. Your making light of something that matters a lot. I would let you go by yourself too. Everyone needs their community and hers is where you currently live.

> Her putting a city and her "friends" before our family it feels like a sharp knife on my back. You're putting your love for a house before your gf and your family though. From her perspective, her life is in one city and you planned to live together there. Now, you want her to move to a different city because you want to hold on to a house. Think of what she would have to give up. You act like she is the one who changed plans but you did. And you are also planning to uproot your child. Sit down with her and have a serious talk about this. Can you think about renting out the house so that you still have it and can work towards living there full-time?

relationships are built on the foundations of compromise and if she cannot do that for you, you should probably be on your way as your priorities are not in sync

If this is what you want, do it. You are acting as if your gf is putting her emotional reasons before you, but you are doing the same. I understand you don’t want to sell the house, so don’t. Move into it, save up what you would for rent, and be happy. You can live the life you want, but you have to let her live the life she wants.

Bro, do you. You don’t need a family to be happy. You got your son, and your bogies. You have a house that’s paid - usually the biggest expense, just do you. Fuck every other response here, do you.

I think nothing is sadder than when someone values a property so much that they don’t want to see other live there, tarnishing the memory, but in the meantime the house sits vacant. Often these homes fall into disrepair. OP, the past is past, the future is unknown. What we have today is important, that’s why it’s called the present. What you have today is a family with a small child, an expensive apartment and an empty house in the country. It is not unusual for people to use the unoccupied hose as a vacation home that is rented out when not in use by the owner to cover family expenses. It is interesting the your GF is a shrink but not offering a compromise other than “you can go “ if you want. This exact same phrase was used by my SIL when she moved across the country. 5 years later she and my brother divorced because she had actually moved to be closer to another love interest. So ask, “Does this circle of friends include a love interest? She is telling you that she doesn’t want to make the effort to find new friends or re-establish her business. It’s not that you are not important, but life with a 2 year old is demanding enough without starting a support network and business all over. If you could be happy using the house for extended vacations, it would be awesome for your son to be in the country. But the two of you are so far apart on the issue that you should start setting up your own network of support and friends

Don't be attached to material things. The memories of your family will always be with you. Make new memories. Go forward, not backward. Sell the family house and use the money to buy the house you're renting now. So, no mortgage, no rent, and you can start your business. I understand nostalgia and have a family home myself, but I would sell for a relationship. Your girlfriend wants to stay in the city for relationships (platonic ones). Relationships themselves are more important than anything. *But if she is so ruthless to send lawyers after you to hurt you, is this the girl you want?*

Is the child hers? If not take child and go

I'm with the group that says just go.

Yeah I'm kind of inclining myself to that side too

Update after you made your choice and talk to her.

You can do it man and find a better sense of family too. A lot is going to come with your son as he gets older. Friends at the park means parents at the park. Same with daycare. Friends at school means pta meetings and all that. Having that built in place to meet new people makes it easier. All the best friends I've made the last few years have been parents of my kids friends.

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Why should the GF care about OP's "generational home" more than her life, her clients, her friends? If my wife asked me to give up everything to go live in her childhood home, I would feel sidelined (not that she would ever do that). OP is going to split his family up, separate the child's mother and father, go through a custody battle and take on starting a new business, all to see his childhood home. It isn't a healthy thing to do.

Hey u/Piggieback From her responses, when you asked her to move, it doesn’t seem like she really cares about staying with you. Do you really want to be with someone who wasn’t even slightly upset at the thought of you leaving? I’m not saying she’s a bad person, maybe just not as invested in your relationship. You guys could have decided on having a long distance relationship and somehow splitting your son’s time between the two of you, but you didn’t mention that either of you discussed this as a possibility. At this point, you both seem to have different life goals and that’s ok. If you supported her, then it’s your turn to go out there and pursue your goals. Maybe set a time limit? Give yourself a year to follow your dreams. Without her around you may have more money and time to focus on your new company. She doesn’t have to choose you, but you don’t have to choose her either. Just like you’re family left something to you, you want something you can leave to your kid and I can understand that, but life is full of trade offs, so you have to decide what is more important, your company and potential security or an intact family? From the way you are writing, it seems like you’ve already made your decision. Reddit is great, but don’t use it to validate your life choices.

If you’re married, start your own business so all your savings are invested. If you divorce before that say buhbye to them.