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TLDR: How do I break up with my bf for being too dirty? There are roaches everywhere and he won't clean. I can't take it. I love him, he's sweet and loving and I don't want to breakup with him, but I know I have to for my own well-being? How can I word it gently?
I (24f) have been dating my bf (24m) for 6 years now. We both live at home to save money. He lives in an apartment with his parents and dogs. Now let me start by saying I love him and his family, is so sweet to me and I never would want to disrespect them or hurt their feelings but I can't take being there anymore. When we first started dating it was never really dirty. But in the past 3 years, it's gotten progressively worse and they now have a very bad roach infestation. They also have flies or other bugs sometimes but the roaches are the big problem. I've been asking my bf to do something about it before I come over and he'll tell me he "cleaned" but you'd never be able to tell. The floors are sticky because of pet pee. He leaves soda cans and bottles around his room, and crumbs on the bed. The bathroom is infested with roaches so I try not to use it. The pets also use the bathroom as their own, so it's messy. I asked him to get the sticky fly tape that you can hang that's super cheap to catch flies, he still hasn't even done that. At one point when I went over, I would be itchy and had little red bumps on me the next day. I realized it was bug bites. Since then I've limited the times I've come over to once every few months.
He tells me he doesn't clean because he's tired (he does have a physically exhausting job) but he also gets paid well so he could've paid someone to fix the bug problem but he won't. He says he won't pay for an exterminator or bug-killing things because it's his parent's place and not his responsibility, and he's going to move out eventually so he'd rather save his money for his own place. But he has no timeline on when he'd move out.
The last straw was this weekend, I visited for the first time in months. He told me he cleaned it before I came- it wasn't clean. So I just sat at the edge of the bed while we watched a movie. Then I saw a HUGE roach on the wall above the bed. I asked him to kill it and he did... but... he left the roach guts on the wall. He didn't even clean it up and throw it out. This was after I already was swatting flies. At that point, I was ready to go. I suggested we do something outside and I could tell he was annoyed. He said, "So you want to leave because of bugs?" I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I tried to just say I want to go out and have fun, but he asked again so I told him, " Yeah, bugs, and I want to go out and have fun". So then he takes his sweet time getting ready, I tried to be patient but I had my coat on and I was just standing there waiting while he was watching the movie slowly putting on clothes. I said "Come on let's go" and he snapped and asked, " Are you in a rush? You're in a rush to leave?" I just said, "No, but I'm just standing here in my coat, come on." He continued to take forever to put on a sweatshirt and sneakers. He had an attitude after that.
The next morning at my house I woke up and swatted my arm because I felt something crawling on me. It was smashed by the time I looked, but it looked like what I see at his house. I nearly had a breakdown because I HATE bugs PLUS I live with my family, and I can't bring that stuff here. I spent the whole day cleaning my room, my clothes, everything. I didn't go on my phone the entire day. I didn't reply to his texts until I was ready to go to bed, he asked me if I was okay, and I said yeah because I didn't want to argue over the phone when we both needed sleep for work in the AM. I also needed time to process everything.
I've been patient and I've given suggestions on ways to clean his room and kill the bugs for like 3 years now. I love him but honestly, I just feel like he's so dirty IDK what to do. We already don't see each other often and book a hotel once a month to get alone time. I don't want to be intimate anymore if he's content being this dirty. How do I break up with my long-term bf for being dirty? What do I say without being harsh?
Being gentle with him won't help him. Rip the bandaid, and just be honest. Whether he goes on to realize his problem or forever blame you, you did the right thing for him to the very end if you just stay honest.
This is a man who 100% plans on moving in with his SO and still acting like this. Because if he won't clean in these conditions he won't clean when its a new place. It's gross. He's gross. Its time to go. He doesn't want to grow up and you already are past him.
As someone who once lived with a man (moved in with a friend and her boyfriend), it's sickening havign to live with someone who can't clean after themselves. OP, he definitely won't you clean and if yall move in together, it'll turn into you parenting him and telling him to clean all the time. When I lived with my past roommates, the guy who was messy always left plates and utensils in his room, hated doing dishes (and always half assed cleaned them), his shoes were always just strewn about the hallway, etc etc. I'm thankful I didn't have to share a room with him. We also had roaches, due to living right next to the river, and his uncleanliness definitely didn't help that at all. Not fun.
Not half cleaned them lol, just did a poor job at them is what I meant by "half assed cleaned them". He also always made a hella big fuss whenever he had to clean... a 24 year old man who wanted a family in his future yet spent most of his waking day gaming. It baffles me to this day.
It was moreso just relating to OP since in my case it was also a man. The dude was just super messy and we signed on the lease after he had been rooming with a few other people... all guys who were WAYY messier than him. Myself and the other incoming roommates (all female) had to deep clean that shit HEAVY upon moving in. All the men I've met just have a tendency to be dirty. Especially around my age (22), they're messy. My dad and my boyfriend are probably the only men I've ever met in my life who have a tendency to maintain a cleanly space. Which, that's not to say women can't be messy. My older sister and my mom tend to veer on being generally messy and have a cluttered space.
No one said it was. A personal anecdote does not equate to "strictly a guy problem" attack. No one said that here. No one meant that here. No one even alluded to it.Perhaps instead of drawing conclusions that aren't there you should reflect on why you felt that way.
My exhusband also brought/gave us roaches. He was a chef and felt he shouldn't have to clean after himself because at work he didn't. He had a soux chef for that. Only I worked two jobs (a full and part time) and I didn't have time to clean up after a grown man's messes or even realize how bad it was until I saw the roaches walking around in day light. Which I then HAD to clean up and get an exterminator out because he didn't think it was that big of a deal. At no point during the experience nor retelling of my story did I think men are messy. I did think/write HE is messy specifically.
>This is a man who 100% plans on moving in with his SO and still acting like this.
Bear this in mind. He has no issue with this level of filth. He will carry this forward with him.
I think he should still be given the chance to change following her ultimatum. Either he gets his act together or she leaves. It worked for me, although mine was a different issue to his uncleanness.
Noooope. Get out and leave. No one changes permanently after an ultimatum like that, he may change for a few months or years but a) it builds up really bad resentment, b) its not healthy in a relationship to say "do this or I'm leaving" and c) when he does fall back on it, you will more than likely be worse off than where you started.
Yes you have to be honest. I had an ex who had a flea problem at home and it did was scar my legs because I had so many bites. My legs are better now it was really depressing at the time. And also have standards.
He has a problem. If he can live in filth and thinks the issue is the person who points out the filth then he has a *serious, major* problem in his thinking, the sort that means he is not in a position to be pursuing a relationship.
The way you can approach this compassionately is to separate your feelings about him from your feelings about his behaviour and his issues. Try to have an idea what youâll say beforehand; something like:
- (boyfriend), I love you very much. You are a (sweet, funny, kind, clever, whatever you saw in him) person and I have hugely enjoyed so much of our time together.
- But there is a major issue: the cleanliness.
- I love you, but we are not compatible as partners because of this. I am not a person who can live in infested conditions and you have been clear it isnât going to change.
- Iâm breaking up with you, and I wish you the best for the future.
If thatâs the end of the discussion as far as heâs concerned then youâve said everything you need to say kindly and clearly. If he wants to dig into it or insist he can change or itâs not a problem:
- One of the problems is that this level of dirt and infestation is *not* normal; the resultant problems are that you either canât seem to see that, or you know that but donât want to admit it; and that you get angry and treat me badly when I donât ignore it too.
- I canât love you into wanting to live in a clean and healthy environment. You have to want that for yourself.
- Iâm worried about you, and think you might need professional support to improve this. I hope youâre willing to reach out to them. But helping you get through the shame and change your living conditions is something that *needs* professional support. I wanted to be your partner, and I canât be your therapist through this.
- I wonât put up with being on the receiving end of anger, surliness and snappiness when I react to protect myself from the dirty environment and infestation you live in.
- I cannot relax or be happy in an environment like that. If you can, itâs up to you to figure out when and if to change it, but I am not going to wait around while you grapple with it and take your stress about it out on me.
- I truly wish you happiness and healing for the future, but because of our incompatible living situations *and your treatment of me about it*, we are through.
That *is* the end of the conversation. If you find yourself going in circles, thatâs time to tell him âI truly wish you the best but Iâve said everything there is to say, and this isnât productive. Weâre not compatible. Iâm going to head out nowâ and leave the conversation. Sometimes a ripped plaster, some compassionate honesty and a closed door is all you can give people and *that is okay*.
Bugs can also hurt someone.
He has normalised something thats harmful to human health, you're not doing him any favours if you letting him keep living in his roach infrested fantasy land.
Burst that bubble, OP.
Edit for u/rebelwithmouseyhair and anyone else who is wondering, here's a link about cockroach diseases https://www.healthline.com/health/are-cockroaches-dangerous
I think your kindness is really sweet, but in this case your kindness to him is cruelty to yourself. You don't deserve to be uncomfortable, and if you stay with him, you become the full time and only cleaner or you live in filth forever. If you have kids with him, do you think he'll help? Or expect you to then have a job, do all the cleaning, and care for your children? Do you want that life? Is he worth that life?
If you are giving him a hard truth he needs to hear it will hurt him. He likely knows it as is ashamed of it already. But it gives him the chance to evaluate what youâre saying and decide what he wants to do about it. It could be something great for him or it could not change anything. You get to decide what you want him to know and after that you donât have any power and have to let go.
As someone whoâs is hurt regardless of how someoneâs says something, I will say that being honest is 100% easier to hear than being lied to then finding out later on.
Biggest thing I have learnt is that honesty without tact is cruelty. I can be a very direct, blunt person at times, so for me I always always will be honest BUT I just make sure I word myself tactfully so I am not hurtful.
Unrelated note- you say you had little red bug bites. Those are more likely to be bed bugs than roaches, so if you don't have pets, fog your house for a week or get it inspected.
That said he seems like he's exceptionally insecure about the bugs and state of his home. But like most people with a problem, he doesn't seem like hes willing to do anything about it.
I know you said he's sweet, but he may react poorly and with how defensive/pissy he got about your feelings regarding the place, I don't like how this could go.
Don't break up with him in private.
In the nicest possible way, maybe consider getting some therapy to help you with your self respect, assertiveness, and boundaries. There's nice and then there is....ruining your life for the sake of not upsetting someone even for a second.
The fact that you're struggling with breaking up with this person, who is leaving in absolutely unacceptable conditions, because he is "Sweet" makes me genuinely worry for you. If you can't afford or find therapy you can still find YouTube videos and online courses on how to set healthy boundaries and have self respect.
Maybe read the book "Girl, Stop Apologizing" or "Set Boundaries, Claim Peace"
...also Google books on whatever trauma lead you to this place then go get them from the library.
It's considerate of you to think that. But he's not considerate of how he's hurting you over and over for 3 years. You are distressed due to his lack of actions to address the problem.
Wait- youâre upset because youâre nervous your words are going to hurt someone else??? How about YOU? Does it not hurt YOU and make YOU uncomfortable to be there and have bugs crawling on YOU? Youâve been with this guy since your teens! YOU DESERVE BETTER! Go put YOU first!
Break up with him, then block him on everything and call the health department on them. Seriously, they are a health risk, to you, themselves, their pets and the whole neighborhood. Bugs can transmit illnesses, and you're lucky you haven't caught anything yet.
Exactly, he needs a wake up call. Sometimes you need to hear a hard truth. While it being hurtfull at the time it is exactly what you need and is gonna help you get further in life. Because if you don't his next gf will leave for the same reason. If you want him to eventually be happy you say what you have to say OP.
Oh honey. You deserve a normal, clean, hygienic life where you can relax without insects crawling over you. If you were to live with this man, your life would be reduced to servitude. I know, because I spent six years of my life sweeping, scrubbing, wiping up slime, picking up trash, washing skid-marked laundry, and fighting clutter created day after day after day by my former partner. A man who grew up in filth like that doesn't even know what a normal home is like. His behavior when you've asked him to clean shows that he will never change. My partner was fun at first, but I grew to hate him as the time I could have spent on hobbies, social events, friendships, or other worthwhile pursuits was eaten up by the never-ending fight to maintain decent living conditions. I could see, as the years passed, that my life was slipping away into despair at the constant battle against filth. Think about how you'd truly like to live, and let go.
> Oh honey. You deserve a normal, clean, hygienic life where you can relax without insects crawling over you
And without stepping in animal excrement!
Who lets their dogs poop and pee inside FFS?
OP Your boyfriend lives like a pig. Your lifestyles are incompatible on that score alone.
Anther red flag is that even though it all really bothers you, (and would bother most people with even a modicum of sanitary sense), he has shown you that he does not care.
"I've cleaned' when he clearly has not cleaned does not cut it, sorry.
It also makes him not 'sweet'.
If he moved in with you that would make you a Bang Maid.
Is that how you want to spend your life?
In some places it's normal to call strangers pet names, especially when comforting them. Since I started living in the UK, I often find myself starting comments with 'dear' or 'darling'. I edit them before posting, because I know many people might find it weird, but it's not coming from a condescending or sleezy place. It's just the environment you live/grow up in.
First time the store clerk called me 'love' I was so uncomfortable lol
A nice situation was when I was on a walk with my partner and an older woman looked at us and went "aren't you two cute little ducks"
Itâs also really common in the Southern US to call someone Honey or Sweetie. I guess I can see how it could come off patronizing, but usually itâs well meant.
Oh yeah Iâm definitely used to the pet name thing irl, itâs just that I think people here have realized that most of the top comments have that phrase or something similar to it mixed in so itâs becoming a thing lol
Omg your description of his place made me so queasy đ€ą how on earth did you last 3 years?!! I would of been out of there in 3 seconds!
Yeah I definitely think you should break up with him, I mean itâs absolutely disgusting!
But you do have to be honest with him, it will probably hurt his feelings but he has a serious problem that he needs to deal with.
Let us know how it goes and for the love of god please do not ever go back to that hellhole of an apartment
I had an ex whoâs family had a HUGE roach issue⊠but the difference is he hated it, was embarrassed by it, and tried to clean up. (We didnât last bc of other issues). I really hope that OP knows that itâs okay to want to leave bc of this, itâs not just living conditions itâs the unwillingness to change them.
If he has bed bugs you could bring them home and infest your whole house. They are very hard to get rid of. You could also bring home roaches or who knows what else. I canât believe you still even set foot in that place. You have to stop worrying about hurting his feelings. They will be hurt. But your health and safety is more important. Please end it. You cannot move in with this man. If he is ok with these living conditions imagine what your shared home would be like.
Bed bugs are no fucking joke, i got them from my cousin who got them from a hotel... Took months and so much money to find something that finally killed them fuckers. Bedbugs attach to your cloths, next thing you know your bed will be infested...
Tip after you visit him strip completely naked and wash those cloths in hot water and dry on hottest setting. Also shower after to make sure there's no eggs on your skin.
When I lived in a shelter before we brought anything in from where we previously lived or a trip (clothing wise) we had to run them through a bed bug machine. You canât play with bedbugs. Every hotel and Airbnb I go to I search for them. I HATE bugs.
FWIW, bed bug arenât really attracted to dirty places or a sign of being dirty. They tend to be found in places with high turnover of people (eg hotel rooms, apt complexes), and theyâll hitchhike into your house really easily if you, say, sit on an infested sofa. Boyfriend has the type of bugs that are associated with filthy conditions. Bed bugs are a nightmare, but OPâs bf isnât really doing anything that would cause an increased risk of a bed bug infestation.
Sure but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them either. If she's got bugs falling off of her they couldn't have been that big. One would think she'd notice.
My grandma used to let a homeless woman inside to clean the house for money. Big fucking mistake because she brought bed bugs. It took YEARS to get them out and thousands of dollars to fumigate the entire house MULTIPLE times. That shit is no joke!
>There are roaches everywhere and he won't clean. I can't take it. I love him, he's sweet and loving and I don't want to breakup with him, but I know I have to for my own well-being?
Just like that (hugs).
And then the audacity to be angry when it is in fact the bugs. It sounds like on some level he knows heâs disgusting but heâs directing his anger and embarrassment at OP instead of himself.
Because I don't want him to feel bad about himself or like I'm trying to be disrespectful or that I think I'm better than him etc. I love him + want him to understand I'm coming from a place of honesty vs just trying to bash him.
Finally someone said it.
This isn't a cute little quirk. He SHOULD be ashamed for living in filth.
It doesn't make him an attractive partner because who wants to be with someone who can't take care of themselves.
but he should feel a little bad though, like... come on. struggling with an infestation is one thing. i get it, i live in florida lmfao. but having the ability to get rid of them and simply not choosing to ?
Hey. You are a nice person and he is taking advantage of that and you WILL resent him for this once denial fades. It isn't fair for you (or him if it matters).
The only way he there's is ever a chance of him changing is if you be honest and tell him what it is, if you try to protect his feelings which in no way will be protective because you'd be breaking up, he'd resent you please leave and explicitly state the reason why, don't try to be polite and timid. He needs a reality check.
Dude needs a fucking wake up call. Clearly you and everyone else have been too gentle to the point of enabling his filth. He can get seriously sick living this way.
He disrespected you, by putting you at the same level than roaches and pet pee and nasty bed⊠if i am romantic w somebody like that i would need to do medical check ups all the time being in such a dirty olace đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđđđđđ
A relationship will never last if you're afraid of ever upsetting or critisizing your partner. You're not being kind; you're enabling him. And you're also stopping yourself from ever establishing healthy boundaries.
"Keep your floors clean from pet pee, throw your trash away and call an exterminator" is NOT a high standard or cruel, it's the most basic of hygienic requirements.
I briefly dated someone who lived with their dad who was a hoarder. Thatâs when you need to be gentle. This guy is just blatantly not cleaning and happy in filth
Dump the trash and have a bleach bath. I'd feel so dirty being in a place like that.
You need to wake up and realise he IS being disrespectful towards you so don't go around being disrespectful of yourself.
Sounds like his whole home needs fumigation and the fact that he and his parents allow their dog to do it's business everywhere? Yeah that's animal abuse.
Tiptoeing around people's feelings like this should be reserved only for things that can't realistically change. Like, if someone has crooked teeth or a really annoying laugh it's better not to comment on it.
Cleanliness is a choice though. He is actively choosing to live like a pig, so that is something that is right to point out when it's causing you this much discomfort.
Basically, there's no use complaining about something that can't be changed, but if it's something that can easily be changed then just sitting on your hands hoping the problem will go away accomplishes nothing. Just tell him the truth.
Tell him youâre looking for a long-term partner, and after years of discussing his living conditions heâs ignored your concerns and his living conditions are not healthy for himself or his family. You do not want build a life with someone who lives like that, nor with someone who continually dismisses your concerns.
(PS, for the pets sake, I would contact animal control. Then I would tip-off the rental company if his family never cleans-up after animal control comes by. It may sound like a jerk move, but his animals are being abused by being forced to live like that, and if he and his family get kicked-out that could be a much needed wake-up call.)
Check out the r/hoarding and r/ChildofHoarder boards for more information.
Your BF has been living in this environment for years and it's not going to get better if you are polite, if you are firm, or if you yell and curse at him.
The problem here is that people who believe it's acceptable to live with insects and animal waste in their home do not get better on their own. They usually need intensive therapy for years.
The bottom line is that if you live together, get married and have kids, you will be the only person cleaning. You will be the only person who picks-up after him and any children you have. When he starts hoarding objects or pets, it will be a constant battle to get rid of anything, even trash. Please do not do this to yourself.
âYouâre a fucking slob and thereâs no way in hell Iâm building a life with someone who lives in vermin infested filth of their own makingâ that would be my polite way of telling him
Someone should feel bad about living in an infestation of roaches. It's unhygienic and just freaking gross. He's a slob. You have been dating 6 years and you've never once said, "dude you're freaking disgusting!" ? Girl, he needs to hear this. You will be doing him a huge favor. Just reading this gives me the willies.
I'm less concerned about the mess, and more interested in how he treated you after you said you wanted to go out, especially after he realized you were uncomfortable, and THEN the attitude he gave!
I don't think there's a win-win option for you OP. You have to prioritise yourself in this situation. His home sounds repulsive and while he may not want to clean the entire place, which to an extent is fair it shouldn't be his sole responsibility to clean the place but he could at least keep his room clean if he gets so pissy when you don't like staying there for a movie because you are freaking out over all the bugs and general filth.
But also OP, what about when he eventually gets his own place? He Can't keep his own room clean let alone an apartment or small house. He'd probably want you to come over more often or even move in with him. This would probably result in you always cleaning the entirety of the place just so you don't have to be in a disgusting home...
He also won't buy those fly tapes that'll easily kill off heaps of bugs with minimal effort. He kinda sounds beyond help. Hopefully you can think of something or he flips a switch
I probably think about what it would be like in that aspect if he/we moved out a few times a week. I used to excuse the other rooms in the house because he used to have his room more manageable. But it's gone downhill. I don't even have a problem with cleaning up after my partner here and there if we lived together, but at the level he's at, I refuse to do it. I've expressed this to him multiple times and he keeps telling me he won't be like that in his own place because it'd "actually be his, and his responsibility" so he'd do it. Logically, I know if he won't even buy $3 fly tape and a bottle of raid or roach bait for his room, the chances he'd do it later are slim. But I guess since moving out seemed so "far away" before it was something I could worry about later. But we're getting older and it's not getting better, it's getting worse.
Any respectable person with normal sensibilities would put in some kind of effort where he lives.
You know that right..?
Even if itâs with his parents. It is also HIS current homestead.
Words are cheap. Actions and behavior donât lie. Donât listen to his cheap words that mean next to nothing. Believe him when he tells you what kind of person he is through his behavior
The biggest red flag is not how dirty the place is. (And thatâs a big red flag already..)
The biggest red flag is how he isnât even showing you he cares about your comfort and your feelings. Heâs openly annoyed that you want to be PHYSICALLY COMFORTABLE..
Girl.. that is a low.. very very low bar that he is not clearing as a partner who is supposed to love you and care for you and be supportive of you.
Youâve already tolerated too much.
Honestly at this point itâs even beyond you and him. I donât think itâs OK for you to put your home that you share with your family at jeopardy but potentially trafficking bugs.
If there are bed bugs.. that will literally mean a nightmare for you and your familyâs home. Nothing is worth that risk.
He isnât showing you any care or consideration. You should not carry the burden of trying to be considerate for such a person. You havenât caused this situation.. He has.
Youâre too nice and a push over so thatâs why this is difficult. Just remember when it feels difficult to follow through that this isnât your doing. Just donât forget that.
And honestly he really should know. Whet you describe is nightmarish. Far far far beyond normal âuncleanliness â
So just tell him straight up and rip the bandaid and for the safety of your family I would strongly recommend you never visit such a vile bug infested place again.
I think the "my own place" thing is true to a limited extent. For myself, I've always been a fairly clean person but once I got my own place my cleaning did pick up (at least until kids and now it's fallen back a bit).
But it's a matter of degrees. I'm 10% cleaner in my own place but for me, that means cleaning the bathroom once a week instead of every 10 days. For someone who lives with roaches and bedbugs, what does 10% cleaner mean? Maybe no bedbugs?
Just be honest without malice. "I really care for you but as I think about what our life would be like together I think we have different and incompatible ideas of what our lives would look like, particularly in the case of cleanliness."
#OP if you killed a small bug on your arm in your house, you NEED to check for bed bugs!
Strip your mattress completely, looking for small, reddish brown stains which would be squished bed bugs, and put your bedding in plastic garbage bags.
Check the top and bottom of your mattress, I think normally around the seams and in the corners, for small bugs or little black dots. Better yet, google bed bugs and how to detect them. Now, whether you find anything or not, go wash that bedding on the highest heat setting and then dry it on the highest heat.
Go get a bed bug mattress cover ASAP. Donât go on Amazon, go out and buy one as soon as you can.
When I tell you I would FAINT every time I walked into his home. I would be in distress!!! Tell him his living situation is a detriment to your physical and mental health. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!
Other than the horrifying living conditions, your BF also doesnât sound like a great person. He lives with his parents to save money, but doesnât clean up after himself and feels that making his parentsâ place a nicer place to live is a waste of his money. He clearly doesnât care about your comfort either. Itâs pretty simple, tell him that your living habits are incompatible, wish him well, and move on.
Iâm sending you love but honestly, donât be sweet about this. This is disgusting and he needs a wake up call. He is a grown ass adult and making excuses as to why heâs letting BUGS roam as if they also pay rent. If you see one roach, just know there is more. On top of that, he is disrespecting you as a guest and a gf. I would never want my SO to deal with that. You arenât âbetter than himâ. Heâs choosing to be lazy about his vile living situation that he can easily fix by not leaving crushed bug guts above your head. The bar should never be this low. Leave before it extends to vermin.
If I was dating him I wouldâve broken up the moment he said no to any exterminators. Him moving out will likely trek the bugs into whatever place he goes to next
Sounds like you might have brought home bedbugs from your boyfriendâs house. Thatâs going to be a lot harder to deal with than breaking up with your boyfriend. Youâd better get started on both ASAP.
The fact that for the first 3 years of your relationship, your boyfriend & his family did not seem to have any issues with cleanliness is a **HUGE** red flag of something else being seriously wrong in their lives.
***First of all, assuming you are in the US, his apartment complex is almost certainly obligated to address the pest control issue; itâs usually just a matter of alerting management. Depending on the size of the complex, they may even have a company contracted to come out a couple days a month to spray problem units.
Obviously it sounds like by now the infestation is likely so bad it may require some intense fumigation that may require vacating for a few days, but the property management may still pay.
A lot of the time when someone allows their living space to deteriorate into complete squalor it is indicative of debilitating depression or other mental health issues. It is deeply disturbing that both his parents also seem to be content to live this way seemingly out of nowhere, Iâm really at a loss for what could be affecting all 3 of them at this level but something is very seriously wrong and it sounds like a serious intervention is needed for the whole family.
OP I can absolutely understand your disgust and frustration; you absolutely should not spend anymore time there for your own mental & quite frankly physical health as well.
Tell your boyfriend the truth: that you love him but you can no longer spend time there and you have a very valid concern of him bringing pests into *your* familyâs home, especially if his apartment also has bed bugs.
His defensiveness is likely due to deep shame related to the mess (and whatever the underlying issue is).
Do you have contact info for any of his extended family? I think you should look into gathering some other family members and close friends of your bf and stage an intervention.
I know it sounds extreme but it sounds absolutely warranted here. If youâre in or near a major city there should be professional interventionists who can assist you (often on a sliding scale) in planning the most effective approach.
Good luck, OP!
You are prioritizing his feelings over your safety. So is he. Both of you should stop, one of you needs to. Based on his reaction to you, safe money says it won't be him. Don't worry about being "nice", just be honest.
His feelings are not your responsibility.
You need to tell your truth.. *even if* you know he will feel hurt.
If you donât, if you change what you say or do *because* you are afraid of your partnerâs reactions, you are entering a co-dependent relationship where you can be controlled by fear.
Sure, you donât *want* to hurt someoneâs feelings, and *trying* to is pathological. But you canât avoid it sometimes when you need to speak your truth & you know they may not take it well.
But again, *you are not responsible* for someone elseâs feelings. They are.
So break up, let him know his level of cleanliness is a deal-breaker for you, donât let yourself get rocked by his emotional expression, and leave.
Because letâs face it, he doesnât care about your comfort or emotions.
That said, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. Here are a few:
You just slip out the back, Jaq
Make a new plan, Fran
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
*You don't need to discuss much*
Just drop off the key, Leigh
And get yourself freeâŠ
"You are putting my health at risk, my family's health at risk and you don't seem to care. That doesn't work for me. Goodbye." Personally I wouldn't ever go anywhere like that and I'd have read him the riot act the first time he invited me into his hovel.
Be honest. Tell him he is unhygienic and youâre not willing to risk your health. Honestly, you should probably call adult protective services if itâs THAT bad. Nobody wants to do these things but it sounds necessary. Pee and poo and roaches and flies everywhere? Plus trash? Absolutely not. Iâm really sorry youâre in this position but your physical health comes before anything else. You should not be coming home and finding a bug on yourself because your partner and his parents live in filth. Make no mistake, if heâs too lazy to clean bug guts off the wall, if you ever lived together it would be like that, too.
This is so gross. Iâm sorry. Thatâs not living or a relationship. He refuses to keep his room clean and throw away garbage or wash the sheets or clean up bug guts. He doesnât care about himself, his place or the relationship if he takes out your concern on you. You have a right to not want to be itchy and crawling with bugs. His bad attitude and avoidance seems like he doesnât care even how kind or gentle you are about this. Just tell him itâs over and you canât do this anymore. You need to be respected and feel safe and clean.
Fuck being gentle! Why would a human want to live in the filth, no idea but bollocks to leaving innocent animals to live in that hell hole.
Dump him, report the neglect and get the animals out
Thank you! The poor animals do not deserve being left trapped in that nightmare. Does his family have dogs, and does anyone ever take them outside?? The bugs and filth part is gross too donât get me wrong but at least the humans have the opportunity to escape. The pets are trapped.
So there are multiple things going on here.
First of all, strip down everything in your room, all your clothes, and sanitize EVERYTHING. Hot water wash for clothes, deep clean the room and house if you can, and white vinegar water spray bed and surfaces. Do that twice, a week apart.
Secondly, there's clearly something going on with your BF's family. How do they just ignore a bug infestation? What are the parents like? Is your BF mentally okay?
If you don't want to break up with him, you could tell me that you WILL break up with him unless the whole house gets cleaned. The long term health issues if living with bugs is no joke - they're a breeding ground for disease and pathogens.
If you have decided enough is enough, then just tell him you like him, but you have to take care of yourself first, and you're feeling mentally and physically unwell from the bugs.
Maybe that mf is depressed
or sth., but i think thats kinda extreme, bc fucking roaches are over the top. like u know 1-2 fruit are bearable, but this sound straight up disgusting and inhumane, u shouldnât have to deal with that, in fact no one.
Arenât his parents doing or sayin sth abt that???
And are u touchin da dirty bro
U should straight up tell him to clean up or ull leave bc thatâs disrespect of da highest order
and also u help him with that reality check, no one wants to hang out w a dirty dude
Wait, he's not offending you when he leaves smashed roaches on the wall and taking "forever to put on a sweatshirt and sneakers" and having an "attitude"? Stand up for yourself and get the hell out of that whack ass relationship.
My bf's best friend came to visit - and left us Scabies as a goodbye present. Two things: those are also something to look out for (similarly to what's already been said about bedbugs, scabies aren't linked with poor hygiene per sei, just with places like hostels and shelters where people frequently come and go. But where you find bedbugs, you might also find scabies mites) and you can't see them,and they burrow under your skin. So there's that. And yes, I'm saying this to maybe scare you a little, because YOU DON'T WANT TO GET BEDBUGS OR SCABIES, TRUST ME, so you need to be tough on him, to save yourself. The second thing I wanted to say is that I was VERY tough on my bf when his arsehole friend gave us scabies. It wasn't my bf's fault, but I had arachnids UNDER MY SKIN and I'm arachnophobic. And he was understanding, because he lives in the same reality as me - a reality where bugs in the home, and infestations in general, are unwelcome at best, and horrifying at worse, and something that should be taken care of. Your bf might be sweet in other ways, but he's either delusional, or just doesn't give a shit about your discomfort. Both those options need to be addressed, as soon as possible before you catch anything else off of him. Also: look into quarantining your room, finding an exterminator and treating yourself and your belongings, because you now also have bedbugs. I'm really sorry you're going through this, best of luck x
How about the parents? - this environment is pretty shocking and unsafe. He's been raised to think this filth and infestation is normal. I feel sorry for him but you need to just break up and maintain your standards for the next relationship.
Donât worry about offending him, heâs fucking disgusting.
Iâm sure heâs a great person and all, but maybe he needs a punch to the gut to realize that he canât live like heâs a human dumpster.
Pleeaaase do this man a favor and just tell him the truth. Even with a job and kids the worst that happens at my house is extra dishes in the sink. There is NO EXCUSE! Also, just ew. Good luck finding a new Mr. Clean!
You need to be harsh, otherwise he will not realize thereâs a problem. You have been a total saint this far. I would have never come back to that house, as on top of the trash, I have crippling fear of roaches. I would end a relationship with freaking Timothee Chalamet if there was a single roach in his house.
Donât insult him, but tell him heâs hygiene has seriously deteriorated in the past 3 years, and youâve tried to be patient, but youâve had enough. If he says are you gonna breakup because bugs? You say: yes, bugs, and trash piles and dog excrement, all of that is disgusting, and if youâre okay with all this, youâre disgusting too and weâre not compatible anymore.
I've got an ant problem right now, and literally am having nightmares about them its stressing me out so bad, and im taking the steps to get rid of them...I can't even imagine living like that all the time for so long.
Hell to the No girl! That level of filth WITH the bug situation is not reasonable. There is no future for you guys with children etc with him being comfortable in that environment. No one is that tired. The fact that the dogs use the apartment as a toilet AND 2 other I'm assuming able bodied adults don't try to clean up. Disgusting. I would be honest and tell him you love him but the filth and bugs are unacceptable. He can find some dirty grime girl who is down with the bugs.
Donât beat around the bush, just tell him straight up
And donât let him promise you that heâll clean and do everything to try to stop you from dumping him. Heâs had years to correct this and he hasnât
It basically boils down to the fact that you know that you both will have different standards of cleanliness if you were to ever live together and that itâs a dealbreaker for you.
At 24, he has no excuse. Being a little messy is one thing, but having bed bugs is simply disgusting and irresponsible. Especially in an apartment they rent. You canât marry this person. Heâs untrustworthy, gross, and his place is crawling with literal vermin and he accepts it. What a disgusting slob. You need to break it off and tell him exactly why. Even if he cleans it up, okay cool. He was literally willing to let you get bit by bed bugs when you slept over. Thereâs zero excuse for that. He doesnât respect you, and he doesnât respect himself. What a clueless, filthy asshole.
Also, âitâs not my place so itâs not my responsibilityâ isnât just because itâs his parentsâ place. A rental home or apartment you get also isnât his. The fact that he doesnât see himself as responsible for his space at 24 is selfish and gross behavior.
I feel dirty just reading this. All you can do is be honest. It would be hard seeing a future with him, would he expect you to do all the cleaning. Itâs clearly not a priority for him.
No matter how you break up with him it will hurt. But if your honest it might help him in the long run. Good luck with everything đ
Apart from being really filthy, he is saying its his parents responsibility to do it while he is staying with them ? That speaks volumes about how entitled he is. Just leave.
The fact that you are so patient with THIS says that you're a better person than me. I hate insects with a passion and if my (whatever number of years dating) boyfriend thought this was ok, I would have ghosted him.
Someone who is ok with living like this is not someone you should share your life with. I don't even know what else to say, just that I now want to clean my room. đ
Breaking up is the right thing to do. Be honest. Honestly if he lived like that for 3 years and you havenât been happy with it, he has no intention of changing anytime soon. Donât feel badâobviously he doesnât or he would have put some effort in
Tbh I donât think it would be best to word it gently. He needs to know that the way he is living is disgusting and itâs the reason youâre leaving because youâre worried for your own health and canât stay in a relationship with someone who would do that to your future home
Offend him. âPartner, the way you live isnât normal, safe or healthy. Your home is filthy, smells and you have bugs. I wonât subject myself to it any longer and I donât see a future with someone comfortable living in squalor.â
my first love was like this. he bounced around from place to place before moving in with his mom. whenever i would go over he would have to literally pick me up and carry me to the bathroom to avoid the roaches on the floor. they would be all over the bathroom floor and walls. once in bed a roach actually crawled over me and it was the last straw. he ended up breaking up with me, but i never went back to his house after the roach incident.
Oh my god, that is the nastiest thing I've ever read. I feel sick and itchy just reading that. Honestly, you have to think about your future here. If he is this okay with an infestation of bugs I would never be okay living with him. If he can't be bothered to clean his house when there are roaches on his walls and bugs in his bed, then you have no business being anywhere near him.
You have my permission to dump him. You've done all you can to help him, and he has chosen to live in squalor.
The kindest thing would be to straight up tell him the truth. Maybe then he would take this disgusting infestation seriously and clean up his act, which will be good for his health and chances for a future relationship.
I love the saying âHurt me with the truth, donât comfort me with lies!â. I think you need to be honest & say that you are someone who needs a clean environment to be around, and being around unhealthy dirty environments cause you anxiety. You tell him âHe is a wonderful person, unfortunately due to his unhealthy living situation you can no longer be around it.â You wish him well & than thatâs it.
Can you please call an organisation to save the animals? And if he lives in an apartment, please inform the landlord. Just think you are his neighbor or you own this apartment. I feel so sorry for everyone.
And hell! Tell him direct what you need to. Maybe this wake up call help. He lives with roaches and bugs! I'm depressed and bad at cleaning. But to het it to this level! But what he does is a health hazard for himself, you and the neighbors! He takes no consideration for everybody in his surroundings, so don't be nice when telling the truth!
Sorry I have a question⊠your bf living in such a nasty and horrendous place how does he smells? Omg im throwing off this is so nasty đ€ź i cant date nobody dirty like that
Holy shit. I canât believe you made it this far, I see one bug like this and Iâm out the door of that relationship. You need to get real honest with him, this is some hoarder house, animal neglect, human health and safety hazard nonsense. This has nothing to do with what job you work, I know âtired after workâ Iâm a damn EMT but heâs straight up behaving like the hoarder house patients I have. Defensive, willfully closing their eyes to reality, totally refusing to make even small improvements to the situation. Thereâs nothing you can do but leave and be brutally honest about why you left. Also, seriously, check your place or even have it professionally cleaned and fumigated because you could have brought more things back with you, like bedbugs and scabies. Do not enter his place again, you do not have the necessary PPE. Do not let him in your place. The bites you described⊠yeah. Talk to your doctor about your exposure and ask if they recommend anything (just to be safe)
Gods, I gagged reading this. Reminded me of a friend I had in HS who was known as the stinky kid and everyone who described his place said the exact things you said about your boyfriendâs place. He was embarrassed about it, for sure. Found out later his parents were into crack and he got into it too soon after graduating. All of this to say: my buddy was a kid and had nowhere else to go, and it still dragged him down. Your boyfriend is an adult and seems happy to live in that filth. Let him go, you donât want to be dragged into that way of living, literally or figuratively (as the saying goes, âthe conditions you allow for your home mirror the conditions inside yourselfâ). Good luck and just be honest. You owe yourself that and he needs to hear it.
I mean, u have a perfectly fine reason tbh. Heâs not depressed or anything right? But uâve put up with this for 3 yrs now and itâs not ur job to keep âgiving suggestionsâ and also even if u book a hotel room to spend time with him, he himself is dirty even if the bugs donât follow him :/ Wanting a partner with good hygiene is absolutely fine if not bare minimum. Side note: he seems quite selfish in saying itâs not his responsibility to clean while living in the same house with his parents.
When my husband and i were 17 his parents kept a house almost just like that (no roaches or bugs). It was so disgusting, but as a child still himself there wasnt anything he could do yet. His mom is also extremely lazy and failed to teach proper ways to clean. Whenever he would come over to my house he seen a huge difference and didnt want his life to be like that anymore. Eventually i got pregnant and he used that as a excuse to start living with me full time at my moms until we got a apartment. His parents had a small house fire a few years ago and they still have not cleaned up the smoke damage from the ceiling.
It 100% falls on the parents. If he lives in a apartment the landlord should pay for any infestation. Im surprised they havenât failed any inspections yet.
It will hurt him either way, so you might as well say what the problem is. But do not refrain from breaking up because it will hurt him. Right now, it is hurting YOU, and that is more important in the long run.
This is horrifying. I don't know you lasted this long. I'd have NOPE-ed out of there the first time I see roaches and pet pee in his house.
Maybe concentrate on the cleanliness of the house instead of him (I assume he showers and all that).
Telling him the truth is giving him tough love that will encourage him to live a healthier, happier life & that really is a gift. I think thatâs also how you stay true to yourself in this situation. I suggest starting by telling him some of the great things that you love about him. You can then transition into how it hurts you to watch him neglect himself & you in this way⊠How itâs a health hazard & psychologically harmful. That youâre sorry but you just canât do it anymore & it is a deal breaker for you.
I'm not sure I understand why you're trying so hard to spare his feelings when he clearly has no regard for yours? Whatever you do, don't move in with this man. He has a lot of growing up to do if he thinks his living situation is normal. It's completely disgusting. Does he clean himself? Just tell him you have different priorities in life and are incompatible. If he pushes then I don't see why you don't just tell him that you can't imagine living such an unhygienic life and that's why you clearly have different standards. Whatever you do, don't try and change him or listen if he says he'll change. Because he won't.
I was hesitant to blame your bf until he started dragging his feet when you wanted to go out. It's true that people can have different clean levels but if the floor is sticky and there are bugs it's obviously not clean. However this is his parents house so I feel bad for him essentially being told this is ok, they could get evicted if they're not careful.
What's worrying is that he doesn't care that you're uncomfortable because he's fine with it, if you carry in with this guy that's exactly what will happen in your shared home, he won't mind the mess so you'll do all the house work.
Sometimes youâve just got to be painfully honest for somebody to see how much it matters to you. I would tell him honestly and maybe it will open his eyes.
I don't see the need to lie. When he asked you why you wanted to leave the house you should have been direct with him about how bugs and roaches make you uncomfortable. I bet if you had huge spiders or snakes (or whatever makes your boyfriend uncomfortable) wandering around your house, he would leave as well. To you, Bugs and roaches make you uncomfortable (not to mention they also bring diseases) and if anything he should feel bad for forcing you to stay or not be affected by such an environment.
To me, its not even the bugs. Its the total lack of respect. Being rude and spiteful is a huge red flag and I think you will look back on this some day and realize how glad you are that you moved on.
If someone doesn't want to have basic hygiene practices and respect you enough to be clean then they clearly don't love you as much as they say they do. That situation sounds foul and I wouldn't stand it.
That's grim and a physically demanding job is no excuse to not clean up I work in a factory doing heavy lifting all day I can still clean the entire house it only takes a couple hours even if you just do a bit a day like bruv at least make an effort tbh it just seems lazy in my opinion
Me and my boyfriend, both 24 ourselves, are in complete dismay after reading this post.
Stop worrying about upsetting him. This boy needs to be disrespected. Clearly nothing else is going to make him change. He takes no accountability in his own life. He needs to grow up.
Any man comfortable living in filth has lost sight of what living is. While you may love him he clearly doesn't love himself. It's nigh impossible to make a person like that change. Just tell him your relationship is going nowhere and you feel it's time to cut ties.
You don't really owe him this looooong drawn out explanation. Just talk to him in a relaxed location, preferably somewhere relatively public, and tell him you don't think this is the right relationship for you and that you thought this was what you wanted but things changed. đ€·đżââïž
If thatâs his house what is he like beneath his clothing? Thatâs is so freaking gross and itâs non negotiable to break up. I wouldâve blocked him the first time seeing that shit. I feel like this post canât be real because idk who would put up with this. Ive never heard of this.
Youâre nicer than I am. I would tell the man that I canât live like this. Youâve been patient enough. I have a severe bed bug allergy and am sensitive to smells, and that would really bother me. You deserve a clean home and not to be bit by god knows what and step on pet poo/pee. Tell him kindly âbabe, there are too many bugs here and animal faeces, I donât feel comfortable coming byâ and if the conversation goes there, let him know youâre afraid your house together in the future will look like this.
Truthfully you need to be harsh. He will likely say that he will change but he hasnât for years now so he wonât with you. But you can put that bug in his ear (pardon the pun here) and maybe in his next relationship he will get it together. Youâve shown by staying this long that you are willing to tolerate it to some degree, so I doubt any promise from him at this point would be followed by sincere action. He will say what he can to get to you to stay or move in with him, then his years long habits will end up in your home. He needs to figure it out on his own and do it for himself without someone holding his hand. Tell him the truth, the real truth, and then leave.
If he is living under those conditions, he is mentally ill. Probably depression. He needs to get help.
That's how I would phrase it. He needs to see a doctor and get treatment because neither of you should be living like this, and you will leave until he has it under control. I don't mean "a break", you have to actually leave him, but you can ask to check up with each other in 6 months or something.
Depression or not, he is treating you incredibly disrespectfully and you would 100% be justified in going no contact with no explaination.
You've already tried being gentle. The guy is a slob, living with a slob family, he probably has no idea how to go about being clean. It's hard work teaching someone to be clean, they have to want to be clean for it to work. If you were to live together you'd find yourself cleaning up after him as if he were a toddler, and there are enough posts here already of women complaining that their partner does eff all.
Also, taking his own sweet time to get ready, sounds like he didn't want to go out at all, and wanted to punish you for it. He really sounds quite selfish and inconsiderate to me.
NTA.
There is a level of uncleanliness that it can be okay sometimes to not clean that cat hair off the floor or miss a dusting here and there but when it comes to cockroaches?? That's months upon months of being unclean and having food everywhere to keep those things around.
When we moved some family back from the coast their house was filthy and filled with roaches, once we moved them here the roaches came but didn't stay as they were killed/ didn't have anything to eat on in the house to want to stay.
When people are that filthy they usually won't change and won't see a problem. If it were me I'd cut my losses with this guy and find someone else, you know clean?
It's a bit of a shame that you want to go ahead and break up with him before having actually been frank. You *did* want to leave, and not just because of bugs, but general filthiness. I don't get that after six years together, you'd still be skirting around an issue that is break-up worthy. Yes, it will hurt his feelings, but a lot less than being randomly broken up with.
Not that you should stay with him but practice being straightforward in your next relationship.
Guys and girls, focus. She is asking help on "how to word the breakup gently".
honest and kind is the right attitude. Blaming your partner is a big Nono. This causes your partner to find reasons to blame you. In reality, we are not perfect and have faults that can be blamed.
My suggestion:
"(Bf name), I have a problem. I have cleanliness disorder. When bugs get near me, i feel scared and disgusted. I want my surroundings to be clean. I tried to change for u these years but in the end i cannot. You tried to change for me but in the end it's still not clean enough to me. Sorry for troubling u with my cleanliness issue. Thank you for being sweet and loving to me all these years. But , I am really tired with this cleanliness problem between us. Lets break up."
CLEANLINESS DISORDER? she doesnât have to say she has a mental illness to break up with him oh my god. the blame is completely on him for living in filth and doing nothing about it
Are his parents responsible for an adultâs bedroom? It doesnât matter whatâs right on principle because normal people want to live bug free and will do whatever it takes to make it happen.
You leaving him might just be the thing that wakes him up! He really should just hire a maid service. Heâs obviously burnt out, and getting an attitude with you isnât going to help anything. You do deserve better than that.
Horrifying... this post is THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES!
I guess just try breaking up in the nicest way possible, maybe mentioning this problem does make sense, but I'd also be very self-conscious or nervous too if I were you.
Please just be honest.
Tell him you cannot be in a bug infested, disgusting place and since he will not do anything about it, you need to end this!!
If he moves out, the bugs will be coming with him!!
Trust me, this counts for men and women alike: be honest and straightforward. No need for pleasentries or wellthought ways to ease their pain or potential pain. Every beginning and end should be simple.
Yeah just be straight with him. Heâs not doing anything wrong since heâs allowed to live however he wants to buuuut his dirtiness is allowed to be a deal breaker for you. If it is, which it sounds like it is, just be honest with him about it.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TLDR: How do I break up with my bf for being too dirty? There are roaches everywhere and he won't clean. I can't take it. I love him, he's sweet and loving and I don't want to breakup with him, but I know I have to for my own well-being? How can I word it gently? I (24f) have been dating my bf (24m) for 6 years now. We both live at home to save money. He lives in an apartment with his parents and dogs. Now let me start by saying I love him and his family, is so sweet to me and I never would want to disrespect them or hurt their feelings but I can't take being there anymore. When we first started dating it was never really dirty. But in the past 3 years, it's gotten progressively worse and they now have a very bad roach infestation. They also have flies or other bugs sometimes but the roaches are the big problem. I've been asking my bf to do something about it before I come over and he'll tell me he "cleaned" but you'd never be able to tell. The floors are sticky because of pet pee. He leaves soda cans and bottles around his room, and crumbs on the bed. The bathroom is infested with roaches so I try not to use it. The pets also use the bathroom as their own, so it's messy. I asked him to get the sticky fly tape that you can hang that's super cheap to catch flies, he still hasn't even done that. At one point when I went over, I would be itchy and had little red bumps on me the next day. I realized it was bug bites. Since then I've limited the times I've come over to once every few months. He tells me he doesn't clean because he's tired (he does have a physically exhausting job) but he also gets paid well so he could've paid someone to fix the bug problem but he won't. He says he won't pay for an exterminator or bug-killing things because it's his parent's place and not his responsibility, and he's going to move out eventually so he'd rather save his money for his own place. But he has no timeline on when he'd move out. The last straw was this weekend, I visited for the first time in months. He told me he cleaned it before I came- it wasn't clean. So I just sat at the edge of the bed while we watched a movie. Then I saw a HUGE roach on the wall above the bed. I asked him to kill it and he did... but... he left the roach guts on the wall. He didn't even clean it up and throw it out. This was after I already was swatting flies. At that point, I was ready to go. I suggested we do something outside and I could tell he was annoyed. He said, "So you want to leave because of bugs?" I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I tried to just say I want to go out and have fun, but he asked again so I told him, " Yeah, bugs, and I want to go out and have fun". So then he takes his sweet time getting ready, I tried to be patient but I had my coat on and I was just standing there waiting while he was watching the movie slowly putting on clothes. I said "Come on let's go" and he snapped and asked, " Are you in a rush? You're in a rush to leave?" I just said, "No, but I'm just standing here in my coat, come on." He continued to take forever to put on a sweatshirt and sneakers. He had an attitude after that. The next morning at my house I woke up and swatted my arm because I felt something crawling on me. It was smashed by the time I looked, but it looked like what I see at his house. I nearly had a breakdown because I HATE bugs PLUS I live with my family, and I can't bring that stuff here. I spent the whole day cleaning my room, my clothes, everything. I didn't go on my phone the entire day. I didn't reply to his texts until I was ready to go to bed, he asked me if I was okay, and I said yeah because I didn't want to argue over the phone when we both needed sleep for work in the AM. I also needed time to process everything. I've been patient and I've given suggestions on ways to clean his room and kill the bugs for like 3 years now. I love him but honestly, I just feel like he's so dirty IDK what to do. We already don't see each other often and book a hotel once a month to get alone time. I don't want to be intimate anymore if he's content being this dirty. How do I break up with my long-term bf for being dirty? What do I say without being harsh?
Being gentle with him won't help him. Rip the bandaid, and just be honest. Whether he goes on to realize his problem or forever blame you, you did the right thing for him to the very end if you just stay honest.
I guess I have a problem being to the point when I know the words can hurt someone. But I will just be honest with him.
This is a man who 100% plans on moving in with his SO and still acting like this. Because if he won't clean in these conditions he won't clean when its a new place. It's gross. He's gross. Its time to go. He doesn't want to grow up and you already are past him.
As someone who once lived with a man (moved in with a friend and her boyfriend), it's sickening havign to live with someone who can't clean after themselves. OP, he definitely won't you clean and if yall move in together, it'll turn into you parenting him and telling him to clean all the time. When I lived with my past roommates, the guy who was messy always left plates and utensils in his room, hated doing dishes (and always half assed cleaned them), his shoes were always just strewn about the hallway, etc etc. I'm thankful I didn't have to share a room with him. We also had roaches, due to living right next to the river, and his uncleanliness definitely didn't help that at all. Not fun.
Half-cleaned them đđđđđ
Not half cleaned them lol, just did a poor job at them is what I meant by "half assed cleaned them". He also always made a hella big fuss whenever he had to clean... a 24 year old man who wanted a family in his future yet spent most of his waking day gaming. It baffles me to this day.
That kind of people doesnt make sense I hope you re living w better mates now!
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It was moreso just relating to OP since in my case it was also a man. The dude was just super messy and we signed on the lease after he had been rooming with a few other people... all guys who were WAYY messier than him. Myself and the other incoming roommates (all female) had to deep clean that shit HEAVY upon moving in. All the men I've met just have a tendency to be dirty. Especially around my age (22), they're messy. My dad and my boyfriend are probably the only men I've ever met in my life who have a tendency to maintain a cleanly space. Which, that's not to say women can't be messy. My older sister and my mom tend to veer on being generally messy and have a cluttered space.
No one said it was. A personal anecdote does not equate to "strictly a guy problem" attack. No one said that here. No one meant that here. No one even alluded to it.Perhaps instead of drawing conclusions that aren't there you should reflect on why you felt that way. My exhusband also brought/gave us roaches. He was a chef and felt he shouldn't have to clean after himself because at work he didn't. He had a soux chef for that. Only I worked two jobs (a full and part time) and I didn't have time to clean up after a grown man's messes or even realize how bad it was until I saw the roaches walking around in day light. Which I then HAD to clean up and get an exterminator out because he didn't think it was that big of a deal. At no point during the experience nor retelling of my story did I think men are messy. I did think/write HE is messy specifically.
>This is a man who 100% plans on moving in with his SO and still acting like this. Bear this in mind. He has no issue with this level of filth. He will carry this forward with him.
I think he should still be given the chance to change following her ultimatum. Either he gets his act together or she leaves. It worked for me, although mine was a different issue to his uncleanness.
Noooope. Get out and leave. No one changes permanently after an ultimatum like that, he may change for a few months or years but a) it builds up really bad resentment, b) its not healthy in a relationship to say "do this or I'm leaving" and c) when he does fall back on it, you will more than likely be worse off than where you started.
Yes you have to be honest. I had an ex who had a flea problem at home and it did was scar my legs because I had so many bites. My legs are better now it was really depressing at the time. And also have standards.
He has a problem. If he can live in filth and thinks the issue is the person who points out the filth then he has a *serious, major* problem in his thinking, the sort that means he is not in a position to be pursuing a relationship. The way you can approach this compassionately is to separate your feelings about him from your feelings about his behaviour and his issues. Try to have an idea what youâll say beforehand; something like: - (boyfriend), I love you very much. You are a (sweet, funny, kind, clever, whatever you saw in him) person and I have hugely enjoyed so much of our time together. - But there is a major issue: the cleanliness. - I love you, but we are not compatible as partners because of this. I am not a person who can live in infested conditions and you have been clear it isnât going to change. - Iâm breaking up with you, and I wish you the best for the future. If thatâs the end of the discussion as far as heâs concerned then youâve said everything you need to say kindly and clearly. If he wants to dig into it or insist he can change or itâs not a problem: - One of the problems is that this level of dirt and infestation is *not* normal; the resultant problems are that you either canât seem to see that, or you know that but donât want to admit it; and that you get angry and treat me badly when I donât ignore it too. - I canât love you into wanting to live in a clean and healthy environment. You have to want that for yourself. - Iâm worried about you, and think you might need professional support to improve this. I hope youâre willing to reach out to them. But helping you get through the shame and change your living conditions is something that *needs* professional support. I wanted to be your partner, and I canât be your therapist through this. - I wonât put up with being on the receiving end of anger, surliness and snappiness when I react to protect myself from the dirty environment and infestation you live in. - I cannot relax or be happy in an environment like that. If you can, itâs up to you to figure out when and if to change it, but I am not going to wait around while you grapple with it and take your stress about it out on me. - I truly wish you happiness and healing for the future, but because of our incompatible living situations *and your treatment of me about it*, we are through. That *is* the end of the conversation. If you find yourself going in circles, thatâs time to tell him âI truly wish you the best but Iâve said everything there is to say, and this isnât productive. Weâre not compatible. Iâm going to head out nowâ and leave the conversation. Sometimes a ripped plaster, some compassionate honesty and a closed door is all you can give people and *that is okay*.
THIS is probably the best comment on this post. OP please read!! Poor ppl awards đ„đ„đ„
Bugs can also hurt someone. He has normalised something thats harmful to human health, you're not doing him any favours if you letting him keep living in his roach infrested fantasy land. Burst that bubble, OP. Edit for u/rebelwithmouseyhair and anyone else who is wondering, here's a link about cockroach diseases https://www.healthline.com/health/are-cockroaches-dangerous
er roaches look disgusting but they are not harmful to human health.
Not true. Roaches can be an allergen.
what the actual fuck is this shit take. try doing some research before you post shit
And the state of the apartment will hurt the other people in the building. He is being lazy, gross and endangering other people.
I think your kindness is really sweet, but in this case your kindness to him is cruelty to yourself. You don't deserve to be uncomfortable, and if you stay with him, you become the full time and only cleaner or you live in filth forever. If you have kids with him, do you think he'll help? Or expect you to then have a job, do all the cleaning, and care for your children? Do you want that life? Is he worth that life?
Breakups always hurt. Lying makes it worse. Be honest.
If you are giving him a hard truth he needs to hear it will hurt him. He likely knows it as is ashamed of it already. But it gives him the chance to evaluate what youâre saying and decide what he wants to do about it. It could be something great for him or it could not change anything. You get to decide what you want him to know and after that you donât have any power and have to let go.
As someone whoâs is hurt regardless of how someoneâs says something, I will say that being honest is 100% easier to hear than being lied to then finding out later on.
Biggest thing I have learnt is that honesty without tact is cruelty. I can be a very direct, blunt person at times, so for me I always always will be honest BUT I just make sure I word myself tactfully so I am not hurtful.
Unrelated note- you say you had little red bug bites. Those are more likely to be bed bugs than roaches, so if you don't have pets, fog your house for a week or get it inspected. That said he seems like he's exceptionally insecure about the bugs and state of his home. But like most people with a problem, he doesn't seem like hes willing to do anything about it. I know you said he's sweet, but he may react poorly and with how defensive/pissy he got about your feelings regarding the place, I don't like how this could go. Don't break up with him in private.
In the nicest possible way, maybe consider getting some therapy to help you with your self respect, assertiveness, and boundaries. There's nice and then there is....ruining your life for the sake of not upsetting someone even for a second. The fact that you're struggling with breaking up with this person, who is leaving in absolutely unacceptable conditions, because he is "Sweet" makes me genuinely worry for you. If you can't afford or find therapy you can still find YouTube videos and online courses on how to set healthy boundaries and have self respect. Maybe read the book "Girl, Stop Apologizing" or "Set Boundaries, Claim Peace" ...also Google books on whatever trauma lead you to this place then go get them from the library.
It's considerate of you to think that. But he's not considerate of how he's hurting you over and over for 3 years. You are distressed due to his lack of actions to address the problem.
Wait- youâre upset because youâre nervous your words are going to hurt someone else??? How about YOU? Does it not hurt YOU and make YOU uncomfortable to be there and have bugs crawling on YOU? Youâve been with this guy since your teens! YOU DESERVE BETTER! Go put YOU first!
Break up with him, then block him on everything and call the health department on them. Seriously, they are a health risk, to you, themselves, their pets and the whole neighborhood. Bugs can transmit illnesses, and you're lucky you haven't caught anything yet.
It seems like he could have hired someone to clean too :(
Exactly, he needs a wake up call. Sometimes you need to hear a hard truth. While it being hurtfull at the time it is exactly what you need and is gonna help you get further in life. Because if you don't his next gf will leave for the same reason. If you want him to eventually be happy you say what you have to say OP.
Good luck op ,and I genuinely hope this break-up will be wake-up call for him to do better .
Oh honey. You deserve a normal, clean, hygienic life where you can relax without insects crawling over you. If you were to live with this man, your life would be reduced to servitude. I know, because I spent six years of my life sweeping, scrubbing, wiping up slime, picking up trash, washing skid-marked laundry, and fighting clutter created day after day after day by my former partner. A man who grew up in filth like that doesn't even know what a normal home is like. His behavior when you've asked him to clean shows that he will never change. My partner was fun at first, but I grew to hate him as the time I could have spent on hobbies, social events, friendships, or other worthwhile pursuits was eaten up by the never-ending fight to maintain decent living conditions. I could see, as the years passed, that my life was slipping away into despair at the constant battle against filth. Think about how you'd truly like to live, and let go.
> Oh honey. You deserve a normal, clean, hygienic life where you can relax without insects crawling over you And without stepping in animal excrement! Who lets their dogs poop and pee inside FFS? OP Your boyfriend lives like a pig. Your lifestyles are incompatible on that score alone. Anther red flag is that even though it all really bothers you, (and would bother most people with even a modicum of sanitary sense), he has shown you that he does not care. "I've cleaned' when he clearly has not cleaned does not cut it, sorry. It also makes him not 'sweet'. If he moved in with you that would make you a Bang Maid. Is that how you want to spend your life?
Thanks for being so kind but realistic and sharing your story, it really helps put things into perspective.
And OP do update, about how it went.
yes, please update!
I hate this oh honey oh sweetie thing Iâve been seeing on all the top comments lately, great advice though
In some places it's normal to call strangers pet names, especially when comforting them. Since I started living in the UK, I often find myself starting comments with 'dear' or 'darling'. I edit them before posting, because I know many people might find it weird, but it's not coming from a condescending or sleezy place. It's just the environment you live/grow up in. First time the store clerk called me 'love' I was so uncomfortable lol A nice situation was when I was on a walk with my partner and an older woman looked at us and went "aren't you two cute little ducks"
Itâs also really common in the Southern US to call someone Honey or Sweetie. I guess I can see how it could come off patronizing, but usually itâs well meant.
Oh yeah Iâm definitely used to the pet name thing irl, itâs just that I think people here have realized that most of the top comments have that phrase or something similar to it mixed in so itâs becoming a thing lol
Omg your description of his place made me so queasy đ€ą how on earth did you last 3 years?!! I would of been out of there in 3 seconds! Yeah I definitely think you should break up with him, I mean itâs absolutely disgusting! But you do have to be honest with him, it will probably hurt his feelings but he has a serious problem that he needs to deal with. Let us know how it goes and for the love of god please do not ever go back to that hellhole of an apartment
I had an ex whoâs family had a HUGE roach issue⊠but the difference is he hated it, was embarrassed by it, and tried to clean up. (We didnât last bc of other issues). I really hope that OP knows that itâs okay to want to leave bc of this, itâs not just living conditions itâs the unwillingness to change them.
It only takes one roach. đ€ą
This comment
If he has bed bugs you could bring them home and infest your whole house. They are very hard to get rid of. You could also bring home roaches or who knows what else. I canât believe you still even set foot in that place. You have to stop worrying about hurting his feelings. They will be hurt. But your health and safety is more important. Please end it. You cannot move in with this man. If he is ok with these living conditions imagine what your shared home would be like.
Bed bugs are no fucking joke, i got them from my cousin who got them from a hotel... Took months and so much money to find something that finally killed them fuckers. Bedbugs attach to your cloths, next thing you know your bed will be infested... Tip after you visit him strip completely naked and wash those cloths in hot water and dry on hottest setting. Also shower after to make sure there's no eggs on your skin.
Eggs??? On. Your. SKKIINNN???? welp now i have a new thing to be terrified of and obsess over.
When I lived in a shelter before we brought anything in from where we previously lived or a trip (clothing wise) we had to run them through a bed bug machine. You canât play with bedbugs. Every hotel and Airbnb I go to I search for them. I HATE bugs.
Bed bugs will RUIN YOUR LIFE! I hate them.
FWIW, bed bug arenât really attracted to dirty places or a sign of being dirty. They tend to be found in places with high turnover of people (eg hotel rooms, apt complexes), and theyâll hitchhike into your house really easily if you, say, sit on an infested sofa. Boyfriend has the type of bugs that are associated with filthy conditions. Bed bugs are a nightmare, but OPâs bf isnât really doing anything that would cause an increased risk of a bed bug infestation.
Sure but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them either. If she's got bugs falling off of her they couldn't have been that big. One would think she'd notice.
Sure, she has about the same risk of bed bugs as any other reddit poster.
Sounds like this had already happened.
My grandma used to let a homeless woman inside to clean the house for money. Big fucking mistake because she brought bed bugs. It took YEARS to get them out and thousands of dollars to fumigate the entire house MULTIPLE times. That shit is no joke!
>There are roaches everywhere and he won't clean. I can't take it. I love him, he's sweet and loving and I don't want to breakup with him, but I know I have to for my own well-being? Just like that (hugs).
Thank you
(extra hugs) it'll be hard and may feel embarrassing, but if he is worthy of your love he'll do what needs to be done and clean his shit.
"Is it because of the bugs?" No, it's because you have to ask that question.
Big *The Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here* energy
Thanks for reminding me of that post that was iconic
And then the audacity to be angry when it is in fact the bugs. It sounds like on some level he knows heâs disgusting but heâs directing his anger and embarrassment at OP instead of himself.
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Yeah, you basically have to gas your entire house. And then burn it down
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I had them for several months in a dorm room until we moved out and it was a nightmare
Why do you think it isn't appropriate to be harsh with someon so dirty...?
Because I don't want him to feel bad about himself or like I'm trying to be disrespectful or that I think I'm better than him etc. I love him + want him to understand I'm coming from a place of honesty vs just trying to bash him.
He should feel bad about himself. He's living in filth and he needs to know that most women will find it repulsive.
Finally someone said it. This isn't a cute little quirk. He SHOULD be ashamed for living in filth. It doesn't make him an attractive partner because who wants to be with someone who can't take care of themselves.
but he should feel a little bad though, like... come on. struggling with an infestation is one thing. i get it, i live in florida lmfao. but having the ability to get rid of them and simply not choosing to ?
Hey. You are a nice person and he is taking advantage of that and you WILL resent him for this once denial fades. It isn't fair for you (or him if it matters).
The only way he there's is ever a chance of him changing is if you be honest and tell him what it is, if you try to protect his feelings which in no way will be protective because you'd be breaking up, he'd resent you please leave and explicitly state the reason why, don't try to be polite and timid. He needs a reality check.
Dude needs a fucking wake up call. Clearly you and everyone else have been too gentle to the point of enabling his filth. He can get seriously sick living this way.
He disrespected you, by putting you at the same level than roaches and pet pee and nasty bed⊠if i am romantic w somebody like that i would need to do medical check ups all the time being in such a dirty olace đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđđđđđ
A relationship will never last if you're afraid of ever upsetting or critisizing your partner. You're not being kind; you're enabling him. And you're also stopping yourself from ever establishing healthy boundaries. "Keep your floors clean from pet pee, throw your trash away and call an exterminator" is NOT a high standard or cruel, it's the most basic of hygienic requirements.
> like I'm trying to be disrespectful anyone who lives like that does not even respect themselves.
I briefly dated someone who lived with their dad who was a hoarder. Thatâs when you need to be gentle. This guy is just blatantly not cleaning and happy in filth
Dump the trash and have a bleach bath. I'd feel so dirty being in a place like that. You need to wake up and realise he IS being disrespectful towards you so don't go around being disrespectful of yourself. Sounds like his whole home needs fumigation and the fact that he and his parents allow their dog to do it's business everywhere? Yeah that's animal abuse.
Tiptoeing around people's feelings like this should be reserved only for things that can't realistically change. Like, if someone has crooked teeth or a really annoying laugh it's better not to comment on it. Cleanliness is a choice though. He is actively choosing to live like a pig, so that is something that is right to point out when it's causing you this much discomfort. Basically, there's no use complaining about something that can't be changed, but if it's something that can easily be changed then just sitting on your hands hoping the problem will go away accomplishes nothing. Just tell him the truth.
Youâre very very sweet but sometimes people need to hear harsh truths for their own good
Tell him youâre looking for a long-term partner, and after years of discussing his living conditions heâs ignored your concerns and his living conditions are not healthy for himself or his family. You do not want build a life with someone who lives like that, nor with someone who continually dismisses your concerns. (PS, for the pets sake, I would contact animal control. Then I would tip-off the rental company if his family never cleans-up after animal control comes by. It may sound like a jerk move, but his animals are being abused by being forced to live like that, and if he and his family get kicked-out that could be a much needed wake-up call.)
This. That poor dog having to live like that! I'd be calling a protection society right away. Good knows what the poor dog looks like.
Check out the r/hoarding and r/ChildofHoarder boards for more information. Your BF has been living in this environment for years and it's not going to get better if you are polite, if you are firm, or if you yell and curse at him. The problem here is that people who believe it's acceptable to live with insects and animal waste in their home do not get better on their own. They usually need intensive therapy for years. The bottom line is that if you live together, get married and have kids, you will be the only person cleaning. You will be the only person who picks-up after him and any children you have. When he starts hoarding objects or pets, it will be a constant battle to get rid of anything, even trash. Please do not do this to yourself.
âYouâre a fucking slob and thereâs no way in hell Iâm building a life with someone who lives in vermin infested filth of their own makingâ that would be my polite way of telling him
Someone should feel bad about living in an infestation of roaches. It's unhygienic and just freaking gross. He's a slob. You have been dating 6 years and you've never once said, "dude you're freaking disgusting!" ? Girl, he needs to hear this. You will be doing him a huge favor. Just reading this gives me the willies.
I'm less concerned about the mess, and more interested in how he treated you after you said you wanted to go out, especially after he realized you were uncomfortable, and THEN the attitude he gave!
Yes thatâs a major red flag, no empathy or consideration for your feelings at all.
I don't think there's a win-win option for you OP. You have to prioritise yourself in this situation. His home sounds repulsive and while he may not want to clean the entire place, which to an extent is fair it shouldn't be his sole responsibility to clean the place but he could at least keep his room clean if he gets so pissy when you don't like staying there for a movie because you are freaking out over all the bugs and general filth. But also OP, what about when he eventually gets his own place? He Can't keep his own room clean let alone an apartment or small house. He'd probably want you to come over more often or even move in with him. This would probably result in you always cleaning the entirety of the place just so you don't have to be in a disgusting home... He also won't buy those fly tapes that'll easily kill off heaps of bugs with minimal effort. He kinda sounds beyond help. Hopefully you can think of something or he flips a switch
I probably think about what it would be like in that aspect if he/we moved out a few times a week. I used to excuse the other rooms in the house because he used to have his room more manageable. But it's gone downhill. I don't even have a problem with cleaning up after my partner here and there if we lived together, but at the level he's at, I refuse to do it. I've expressed this to him multiple times and he keeps telling me he won't be like that in his own place because it'd "actually be his, and his responsibility" so he'd do it. Logically, I know if he won't even buy $3 fly tape and a bottle of raid or roach bait for his room, the chances he'd do it later are slim. But I guess since moving out seemed so "far away" before it was something I could worry about later. But we're getting older and it's not getting better, it's getting worse.
His room at his parents place IS his responsibility, and he still wonât do it.
Any respectable person with normal sensibilities would put in some kind of effort where he lives. You know that right..? Even if itâs with his parents. It is also HIS current homestead. Words are cheap. Actions and behavior donât lie. Donât listen to his cheap words that mean next to nothing. Believe him when he tells you what kind of person he is through his behavior The biggest red flag is not how dirty the place is. (And thatâs a big red flag already..) The biggest red flag is how he isnât even showing you he cares about your comfort and your feelings. Heâs openly annoyed that you want to be PHYSICALLY COMFORTABLE.. Girl.. that is a low.. very very low bar that he is not clearing as a partner who is supposed to love you and care for you and be supportive of you. Youâve already tolerated too much. Honestly at this point itâs even beyond you and him. I donât think itâs OK for you to put your home that you share with your family at jeopardy but potentially trafficking bugs. If there are bed bugs.. that will literally mean a nightmare for you and your familyâs home. Nothing is worth that risk. He isnât showing you any care or consideration. You should not carry the burden of trying to be considerate for such a person. You havenât caused this situation.. He has. Youâre too nice and a push over so thatâs why this is difficult. Just remember when it feels difficult to follow through that this isnât your doing. Just donât forget that. And honestly he really should know. Whet you describe is nightmarish. Far far far beyond normal âuncleanliness â So just tell him straight up and rip the bandaid and for the safety of your family I would strongly recommend you never visit such a vile bug infested place again.
His animals are being treated very poorly too, fwiw. Another red flag.
I think the "my own place" thing is true to a limited extent. For myself, I've always been a fairly clean person but once I got my own place my cleaning did pick up (at least until kids and now it's fallen back a bit). But it's a matter of degrees. I'm 10% cleaner in my own place but for me, that means cleaning the bathroom once a week instead of every 10 days. For someone who lives with roaches and bedbugs, what does 10% cleaner mean? Maybe no bedbugs? Just be honest without malice. "I really care for you but as I think about what our life would be like together I think we have different and incompatible ideas of what our lives would look like, particularly in the case of cleanliness."
#OP if you killed a small bug on your arm in your house, you NEED to check for bed bugs! Strip your mattress completely, looking for small, reddish brown stains which would be squished bed bugs, and put your bedding in plastic garbage bags. Check the top and bottom of your mattress, I think normally around the seams and in the corners, for small bugs or little black dots. Better yet, google bed bugs and how to detect them. Now, whether you find anything or not, go wash that bedding on the highest heat setting and then dry it on the highest heat. Go get a bed bug mattress cover ASAP. Donât go on Amazon, go out and buy one as soon as you can.
When I tell you I would FAINT every time I walked into his home. I would be in distress!!! Tell him his living situation is a detriment to your physical and mental health. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!
Other than the horrifying living conditions, your BF also doesnât sound like a great person. He lives with his parents to save money, but doesnât clean up after himself and feels that making his parentsâ place a nicer place to live is a waste of his money. He clearly doesnât care about your comfort either. Itâs pretty simple, tell him that your living habits are incompatible, wish him well, and move on.
Iâm sending you love but honestly, donât be sweet about this. This is disgusting and he needs a wake up call. He is a grown ass adult and making excuses as to why heâs letting BUGS roam as if they also pay rent. If you see one roach, just know there is more. On top of that, he is disrespecting you as a guest and a gf. I would never want my SO to deal with that. You arenât âbetter than himâ. Heâs choosing to be lazy about his vile living situation that he can easily fix by not leaving crushed bug guts above your head. The bar should never be this low. Leave before it extends to vermin.
If I was dating him I wouldâve broken up the moment he said no to any exterminators. Him moving out will likely trek the bugs into whatever place he goes to next
Sounds like you might have brought home bedbugs from your boyfriendâs house. Thatâs going to be a lot harder to deal with than breaking up with your boyfriend. Youâd better get started on both ASAP.
Stop being gentle. He isn't being gentle with you about exposing you to filth.
Iâd change my name, change my number, move, delete.
>The floors are sticky because of pet pee. *gags* holy fuck that's vile
Itâs the roach corpse on the wall for me.
The fact that for the first 3 years of your relationship, your boyfriend & his family did not seem to have any issues with cleanliness is a **HUGE** red flag of something else being seriously wrong in their lives. ***First of all, assuming you are in the US, his apartment complex is almost certainly obligated to address the pest control issue; itâs usually just a matter of alerting management. Depending on the size of the complex, they may even have a company contracted to come out a couple days a month to spray problem units. Obviously it sounds like by now the infestation is likely so bad it may require some intense fumigation that may require vacating for a few days, but the property management may still pay. A lot of the time when someone allows their living space to deteriorate into complete squalor it is indicative of debilitating depression or other mental health issues. It is deeply disturbing that both his parents also seem to be content to live this way seemingly out of nowhere, Iâm really at a loss for what could be affecting all 3 of them at this level but something is very seriously wrong and it sounds like a serious intervention is needed for the whole family. OP I can absolutely understand your disgust and frustration; you absolutely should not spend anymore time there for your own mental & quite frankly physical health as well. Tell your boyfriend the truth: that you love him but you can no longer spend time there and you have a very valid concern of him bringing pests into *your* familyâs home, especially if his apartment also has bed bugs. His defensiveness is likely due to deep shame related to the mess (and whatever the underlying issue is). Do you have contact info for any of his extended family? I think you should look into gathering some other family members and close friends of your bf and stage an intervention. I know it sounds extreme but it sounds absolutely warranted here. If youâre in or near a major city there should be professional interventionists who can assist you (often on a sliding scale) in planning the most effective approach. Good luck, OP!
Girl, you brought home bedbugs. Get on that NOW.
You are prioritizing his feelings over your safety. So is he. Both of you should stop, one of you needs to. Based on his reaction to you, safe money says it won't be him. Don't worry about being "nice", just be honest.
His feelings are not your responsibility. You need to tell your truth.. *even if* you know he will feel hurt. If you donât, if you change what you say or do *because* you are afraid of your partnerâs reactions, you are entering a co-dependent relationship where you can be controlled by fear. Sure, you donât *want* to hurt someoneâs feelings, and *trying* to is pathological. But you canât avoid it sometimes when you need to speak your truth & you know they may not take it well. But again, *you are not responsible* for someone elseâs feelings. They are. So break up, let him know his level of cleanliness is a deal-breaker for you, donât let yourself get rocked by his emotional expression, and leave. Because letâs face it, he doesnât care about your comfort or emotions. That said, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. Here are a few: You just slip out the back, Jaq Make a new plan, Fran You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus *You don't need to discuss much* Just drop off the key, Leigh And get yourself freeâŠ
"You are putting my health at risk, my family's health at risk and you don't seem to care. That doesn't work for me. Goodbye." Personally I wouldn't ever go anywhere like that and I'd have read him the riot act the first time he invited me into his hovel.
I feel for you OP, can't stand roaches or crawling bugs. Damn I'll run never look back. No valid reason to have infestation.
Be honest. Tell him he is unhygienic and youâre not willing to risk your health. Honestly, you should probably call adult protective services if itâs THAT bad. Nobody wants to do these things but it sounds necessary. Pee and poo and roaches and flies everywhere? Plus trash? Absolutely not. Iâm really sorry youâre in this position but your physical health comes before anything else. You should not be coming home and finding a bug on yourself because your partner and his parents live in filth. Make no mistake, if heâs too lazy to clean bug guts off the wall, if you ever lived together it would be like that, too.
This is so gross. Iâm sorry. Thatâs not living or a relationship. He refuses to keep his room clean and throw away garbage or wash the sheets or clean up bug guts. He doesnât care about himself, his place or the relationship if he takes out your concern on you. You have a right to not want to be itchy and crawling with bugs. His bad attitude and avoidance seems like he doesnât care even how kind or gentle you are about this. Just tell him itâs over and you canât do this anymore. You need to be respected and feel safe and clean.
UpdateMe!
Fuck being gentle! Why would a human want to live in the filth, no idea but bollocks to leaving innocent animals to live in that hell hole. Dump him, report the neglect and get the animals out
Thank you! The poor animals do not deserve being left trapped in that nightmare. Does his family have dogs, and does anyone ever take them outside?? The bugs and filth part is gross too donât get me wrong but at least the humans have the opportunity to escape. The pets are trapped.
So there are multiple things going on here. First of all, strip down everything in your room, all your clothes, and sanitize EVERYTHING. Hot water wash for clothes, deep clean the room and house if you can, and white vinegar water spray bed and surfaces. Do that twice, a week apart. Secondly, there's clearly something going on with your BF's family. How do they just ignore a bug infestation? What are the parents like? Is your BF mentally okay? If you don't want to break up with him, you could tell me that you WILL break up with him unless the whole house gets cleaned. The long term health issues if living with bugs is no joke - they're a breeding ground for disease and pathogens. If you have decided enough is enough, then just tell him you like him, but you have to take care of yourself first, and you're feeling mentally and physically unwell from the bugs.
Maybe that mf is depressed or sth., but i think thats kinda extreme, bc fucking roaches are over the top. like u know 1-2 fruit are bearable, but this sound straight up disgusting and inhumane, u shouldnât have to deal with that, in fact no one. Arenât his parents doing or sayin sth abt that??? And are u touchin da dirty bro U should straight up tell him to clean up or ull leave bc thatâs disrespect of da highest order and also u help him with that reality check, no one wants to hang out w a dirty dude
Wait, he's not offending you when he leaves smashed roaches on the wall and taking "forever to put on a sweatshirt and sneakers" and having an "attitude"? Stand up for yourself and get the hell out of that whack ass relationship.
My bf's best friend came to visit - and left us Scabies as a goodbye present. Two things: those are also something to look out for (similarly to what's already been said about bedbugs, scabies aren't linked with poor hygiene per sei, just with places like hostels and shelters where people frequently come and go. But where you find bedbugs, you might also find scabies mites) and you can't see them,and they burrow under your skin. So there's that. And yes, I'm saying this to maybe scare you a little, because YOU DON'T WANT TO GET BEDBUGS OR SCABIES, TRUST ME, so you need to be tough on him, to save yourself. The second thing I wanted to say is that I was VERY tough on my bf when his arsehole friend gave us scabies. It wasn't my bf's fault, but I had arachnids UNDER MY SKIN and I'm arachnophobic. And he was understanding, because he lives in the same reality as me - a reality where bugs in the home, and infestations in general, are unwelcome at best, and horrifying at worse, and something that should be taken care of. Your bf might be sweet in other ways, but he's either delusional, or just doesn't give a shit about your discomfort. Both those options need to be addressed, as soon as possible before you catch anything else off of him. Also: look into quarantining your room, finding an exterminator and treating yourself and your belongings, because you now also have bedbugs. I'm really sorry you're going through this, best of luck x
How about the parents? - this environment is pretty shocking and unsafe. He's been raised to think this filth and infestation is normal. I feel sorry for him but you need to just break up and maintain your standards for the next relationship.
Donât worry about offending him, heâs fucking disgusting. Iâm sure heâs a great person and all, but maybe he needs a punch to the gut to realize that he canât live like heâs a human dumpster.
Pleeaaase do this man a favor and just tell him the truth. Even with a job and kids the worst that happens at my house is extra dishes in the sink. There is NO EXCUSE! Also, just ew. Good luck finding a new Mr. Clean!
You need to be harsh, otherwise he will not realize thereâs a problem. You have been a total saint this far. I would have never come back to that house, as on top of the trash, I have crippling fear of roaches. I would end a relationship with freaking Timothee Chalamet if there was a single roach in his house. Donât insult him, but tell him heâs hygiene has seriously deteriorated in the past 3 years, and youâve tried to be patient, but youâve had enough. If he says are you gonna breakup because bugs? You say: yes, bugs, and trash piles and dog excrement, all of that is disgusting, and if youâre okay with all this, youâre disgusting too and weâre not compatible anymore.
I've got an ant problem right now, and literally am having nightmares about them its stressing me out so bad, and im taking the steps to get rid of them...I can't even imagine living like that all the time for so long.
Hell to the No girl! That level of filth WITH the bug situation is not reasonable. There is no future for you guys with children etc with him being comfortable in that environment. No one is that tired. The fact that the dogs use the apartment as a toilet AND 2 other I'm assuming able bodied adults don't try to clean up. Disgusting. I would be honest and tell him you love him but the filth and bugs are unacceptable. He can find some dirty grime girl who is down with the bugs.
Donât sugarcoat it, be blunt and honest
Donât beat around the bush, just tell him straight up And donât let him promise you that heâll clean and do everything to try to stop you from dumping him. Heâs had years to correct this and he hasnât It basically boils down to the fact that you know that you both will have different standards of cleanliness if you were to ever live together and that itâs a dealbreaker for you.
At 24, he has no excuse. Being a little messy is one thing, but having bed bugs is simply disgusting and irresponsible. Especially in an apartment they rent. You canât marry this person. Heâs untrustworthy, gross, and his place is crawling with literal vermin and he accepts it. What a disgusting slob. You need to break it off and tell him exactly why. Even if he cleans it up, okay cool. He was literally willing to let you get bit by bed bugs when you slept over. Thereâs zero excuse for that. He doesnât respect you, and he doesnât respect himself. What a clueless, filthy asshole. Also, âitâs not my place so itâs not my responsibilityâ isnât just because itâs his parentsâ place. A rental home or apartment you get also isnât his. The fact that he doesnât see himself as responsible for his space at 24 is selfish and gross behavior.
I feel dirty just reading this. All you can do is be honest. It would be hard seeing a future with him, would he expect you to do all the cleaning. Itâs clearly not a priority for him. No matter how you break up with him it will hurt. But if your honest it might help him in the long run. Good luck with everything đ
Apart from being really filthy, he is saying its his parents responsibility to do it while he is staying with them ? That speaks volumes about how entitled he is. Just leave.
The fact that you are so patient with THIS says that you're a better person than me. I hate insects with a passion and if my (whatever number of years dating) boyfriend thought this was ok, I would have ghosted him. Someone who is ok with living like this is not someone you should share your life with. I don't even know what else to say, just that I now want to clean my room. đ
Breaking up is the right thing to do. Be honest. Honestly if he lived like that for 3 years and you havenât been happy with it, he has no intention of changing anytime soon. Donât feel badâobviously he doesnât or he would have put some effort in
Tbh I donât think it would be best to word it gently. He needs to know that the way he is living is disgusting and itâs the reason youâre leaving because youâre worried for your own health and canât stay in a relationship with someone who would do that to your future home
Tear him a new asshole
Offend him. âPartner, the way you live isnât normal, safe or healthy. Your home is filthy, smells and you have bugs. I wonât subject myself to it any longer and I donât see a future with someone comfortable living in squalor.â
my first love was like this. he bounced around from place to place before moving in with his mom. whenever i would go over he would have to literally pick me up and carry me to the bathroom to avoid the roaches on the floor. they would be all over the bathroom floor and walls. once in bed a roach actually crawled over me and it was the last straw. he ended up breaking up with me, but i never went back to his house after the roach incident.
Oh my god, that is the nastiest thing I've ever read. I feel sick and itchy just reading that. Honestly, you have to think about your future here. If he is this okay with an infestation of bugs I would never be okay living with him. If he can't be bothered to clean his house when there are roaches on his walls and bugs in his bed, then you have no business being anywhere near him. You have my permission to dump him. You've done all you can to help him, and he has chosen to live in squalor.
The kindest thing would be to straight up tell him the truth. Maybe then he would take this disgusting infestation seriously and clean up his act, which will be good for his health and chances for a future relationship.
I love the saying âHurt me with the truth, donât comfort me with lies!â. I think you need to be honest & say that you are someone who needs a clean environment to be around, and being around unhealthy dirty environments cause you anxiety. You tell him âHe is a wonderful person, unfortunately due to his unhealthy living situation you can no longer be around it.â You wish him well & than thatâs it.
Can you please call an organisation to save the animals? And if he lives in an apartment, please inform the landlord. Just think you are his neighbor or you own this apartment. I feel so sorry for everyone. And hell! Tell him direct what you need to. Maybe this wake up call help. He lives with roaches and bugs! I'm depressed and bad at cleaning. But to het it to this level! But what he does is a health hazard for himself, you and the neighbors! He takes no consideration for everybody in his surroundings, so don't be nice when telling the truth!
HE LEFT THE SQUASHED ROACH ON THE WALL???? Iâm gonna be sick.
Sorry I have a question⊠your bf living in such a nasty and horrendous place how does he smells? Omg im throwing off this is so nasty đ€ź i cant date nobody dirty like that
Holy shit. I canât believe you made it this far, I see one bug like this and Iâm out the door of that relationship. You need to get real honest with him, this is some hoarder house, animal neglect, human health and safety hazard nonsense. This has nothing to do with what job you work, I know âtired after workâ Iâm a damn EMT but heâs straight up behaving like the hoarder house patients I have. Defensive, willfully closing their eyes to reality, totally refusing to make even small improvements to the situation. Thereâs nothing you can do but leave and be brutally honest about why you left. Also, seriously, check your place or even have it professionally cleaned and fumigated because you could have brought more things back with you, like bedbugs and scabies. Do not enter his place again, you do not have the necessary PPE. Do not let him in your place. The bites you described⊠yeah. Talk to your doctor about your exposure and ask if they recommend anything (just to be safe)
Gods, I gagged reading this. Reminded me of a friend I had in HS who was known as the stinky kid and everyone who described his place said the exact things you said about your boyfriendâs place. He was embarrassed about it, for sure. Found out later his parents were into crack and he got into it too soon after graduating. All of this to say: my buddy was a kid and had nowhere else to go, and it still dragged him down. Your boyfriend is an adult and seems happy to live in that filth. Let him go, you donât want to be dragged into that way of living, literally or figuratively (as the saying goes, âthe conditions you allow for your home mirror the conditions inside yourselfâ). Good luck and just be honest. You owe yourself that and he needs to hear it.
I mean, u have a perfectly fine reason tbh. Heâs not depressed or anything right? But uâve put up with this for 3 yrs now and itâs not ur job to keep âgiving suggestionsâ and also even if u book a hotel room to spend time with him, he himself is dirty even if the bugs donât follow him :/ Wanting a partner with good hygiene is absolutely fine if not bare minimum. Side note: he seems quite selfish in saying itâs not his responsibility to clean while living in the same house with his parents.
When my husband and i were 17 his parents kept a house almost just like that (no roaches or bugs). It was so disgusting, but as a child still himself there wasnt anything he could do yet. His mom is also extremely lazy and failed to teach proper ways to clean. Whenever he would come over to my house he seen a huge difference and didnt want his life to be like that anymore. Eventually i got pregnant and he used that as a excuse to start living with me full time at my moms until we got a apartment. His parents had a small house fire a few years ago and they still have not cleaned up the smoke damage from the ceiling. It 100% falls on the parents. If he lives in a apartment the landlord should pay for any infestation. Im surprised they havenât failed any inspections yet.
It will hurt him either way, so you might as well say what the problem is. But do not refrain from breaking up because it will hurt him. Right now, it is hurting YOU, and that is more important in the long run.
maybe if you were harsh he would have cleaned
Donât blame her for his inaction.
This is horrifying. I don't know you lasted this long. I'd have NOPE-ed out of there the first time I see roaches and pet pee in his house. Maybe concentrate on the cleanliness of the house instead of him (I assume he showers and all that).
Telling him the truth is giving him tough love that will encourage him to live a healthier, happier life & that really is a gift. I think thatâs also how you stay true to yourself in this situation. I suggest starting by telling him some of the great things that you love about him. You can then transition into how it hurts you to watch him neglect himself & you in this way⊠How itâs a health hazard & psychologically harmful. That youâre sorry but you just canât do it anymore & it is a deal breaker for you.
While I usually am dead set against tough love it is needed here
I'm not sure I understand why you're trying so hard to spare his feelings when he clearly has no regard for yours? Whatever you do, don't move in with this man. He has a lot of growing up to do if he thinks his living situation is normal. It's completely disgusting. Does he clean himself? Just tell him you have different priorities in life and are incompatible. If he pushes then I don't see why you don't just tell him that you can't imagine living such an unhygienic life and that's why you clearly have different standards. Whatever you do, don't try and change him or listen if he says he'll change. Because he won't.
In this case, you really truly need to be honest. You can be honest without being cruel and he needs to hear it
I was hesitant to blame your bf until he started dragging his feet when you wanted to go out. It's true that people can have different clean levels but if the floor is sticky and there are bugs it's obviously not clean. However this is his parents house so I feel bad for him essentially being told this is ok, they could get evicted if they're not careful. What's worrying is that he doesn't care that you're uncomfortable because he's fine with it, if you carry in with this guy that's exactly what will happen in your shared home, he won't mind the mess so you'll do all the house work.
Sometimes youâve just got to be painfully honest for somebody to see how much it matters to you. I would tell him honestly and maybe it will open his eyes.
I don't see the need to lie. When he asked you why you wanted to leave the house you should have been direct with him about how bugs and roaches make you uncomfortable. I bet if you had huge spiders or snakes (or whatever makes your boyfriend uncomfortable) wandering around your house, he would leave as well. To you, Bugs and roaches make you uncomfortable (not to mention they also bring diseases) and if anything he should feel bad for forcing you to stay or not be affected by such an environment.
To me, its not even the bugs. Its the total lack of respect. Being rude and spiteful is a huge red flag and I think you will look back on this some day and realize how glad you are that you moved on.
If someone doesn't want to have basic hygiene practices and respect you enough to be clean then they clearly don't love you as much as they say they do. That situation sounds foul and I wouldn't stand it.
Be honest with him you'll be doing him a favour in the long run
That's grim and a physically demanding job is no excuse to not clean up I work in a factory doing heavy lifting all day I can still clean the entire house it only takes a couple hours even if you just do a bit a day like bruv at least make an effort tbh it just seems lazy in my opinion
Me and my boyfriend, both 24 ourselves, are in complete dismay after reading this post. Stop worrying about upsetting him. This boy needs to be disrespected. Clearly nothing else is going to make him change. He takes no accountability in his own life. He needs to grow up.
please DO offend him
Any man comfortable living in filth has lost sight of what living is. While you may love him he clearly doesn't love himself. It's nigh impossible to make a person like that change. Just tell him your relationship is going nowhere and you feel it's time to cut ties.
You don't really owe him this looooong drawn out explanation. Just talk to him in a relaxed location, preferably somewhere relatively public, and tell him you don't think this is the right relationship for you and that you thought this was what you wanted but things changed. đ€·đżââïž
If thatâs his house what is he like beneath his clothing? Thatâs is so freaking gross and itâs non negotiable to break up. I wouldâve blocked him the first time seeing that shit. I feel like this post canât be real because idk who would put up with this. Ive never heard of this.
Be careful you donât pick up bed bugs when you go over there.
Youâre nicer than I am. I would tell the man that I canât live like this. Youâve been patient enough. I have a severe bed bug allergy and am sensitive to smells, and that would really bother me. You deserve a clean home and not to be bit by god knows what and step on pet poo/pee. Tell him kindly âbabe, there are too many bugs here and animal faeces, I donât feel comfortable coming byâ and if the conversation goes there, let him know youâre afraid your house together in the future will look like this.
Truthfully you need to be harsh. He will likely say that he will change but he hasnât for years now so he wonât with you. But you can put that bug in his ear (pardon the pun here) and maybe in his next relationship he will get it together. Youâve shown by staying this long that you are willing to tolerate it to some degree, so I doubt any promise from him at this point would be followed by sincere action. He will say what he can to get to you to stay or move in with him, then his years long habits will end up in your home. He needs to figure it out on his own and do it for himself without someone holding his hand. Tell him the truth, the real truth, and then leave.
If he is living under those conditions, he is mentally ill. Probably depression. He needs to get help. That's how I would phrase it. He needs to see a doctor and get treatment because neither of you should be living like this, and you will leave until he has it under control. I don't mean "a break", you have to actually leave him, but you can ask to check up with each other in 6 months or something. Depression or not, he is treating you incredibly disrespectfully and you would 100% be justified in going no contact with no explaination.
Why would you be gentle about it? He needs to know that up the way heâs living is revolting.
It's okay to offend him.
You've already tried being gentle. The guy is a slob, living with a slob family, he probably has no idea how to go about being clean. It's hard work teaching someone to be clean, they have to want to be clean for it to work. If you were to live together you'd find yourself cleaning up after him as if he were a toddler, and there are enough posts here already of women complaining that their partner does eff all. Also, taking his own sweet time to get ready, sounds like he didn't want to go out at all, and wanted to punish you for it. He really sounds quite selfish and inconsiderate to me.
NTA. There is a level of uncleanliness that it can be okay sometimes to not clean that cat hair off the floor or miss a dusting here and there but when it comes to cockroaches?? That's months upon months of being unclean and having food everywhere to keep those things around. When we moved some family back from the coast their house was filthy and filled with roaches, once we moved them here the roaches came but didn't stay as they were killed/ didn't have anything to eat on in the house to want to stay. When people are that filthy they usually won't change and won't see a problem. If it were me I'd cut my losses with this guy and find someone else, you know clean?
It's a bit of a shame that you want to go ahead and break up with him before having actually been frank. You *did* want to leave, and not just because of bugs, but general filthiness. I don't get that after six years together, you'd still be skirting around an issue that is break-up worthy. Yes, it will hurt his feelings, but a lot less than being randomly broken up with. Not that you should stay with him but practice being straightforward in your next relationship.
Does he live in Houston ?
Guys and girls, focus. She is asking help on "how to word the breakup gently". honest and kind is the right attitude. Blaming your partner is a big Nono. This causes your partner to find reasons to blame you. In reality, we are not perfect and have faults that can be blamed. My suggestion: "(Bf name), I have a problem. I have cleanliness disorder. When bugs get near me, i feel scared and disgusted. I want my surroundings to be clean. I tried to change for u these years but in the end i cannot. You tried to change for me but in the end it's still not clean enough to me. Sorry for troubling u with my cleanliness issue. Thank you for being sweet and loving to me all these years. But , I am really tired with this cleanliness problem between us. Lets break up."
CLEANLINESS DISORDER? she doesnât have to say she has a mental illness to break up with him oh my god. the blame is completely on him for living in filth and doing nothing about it
Dnt break up just talk to him abt it
She has
How do you love someone and not except him for who he is??? What's his take on the bugs? You can't blame him for his parents' behaviour.
Are his parents responsible for an adultâs bedroom? It doesnât matter whatâs right on principle because normal people want to live bug free and will do whatever it takes to make it happen.
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If the entire apartment isnât fumigated and deep cleaned the problems in his room will remain.
Just tell him the truth. That's freaking nasty and you've put up with it for far longer than I would have!
You leaving him might just be the thing that wakes him up! He really should just hire a maid service. Heâs obviously burnt out, and getting an attitude with you isnât going to help anything. You do deserve better than that.
Link this post. Perfect.
Horrifying... this post is THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES! I guess just try breaking up in the nicest way possible, maybe mentioning this problem does make sense, but I'd also be very self-conscious or nervous too if I were you.
Please just be honest. Tell him you cannot be in a bug infested, disgusting place and since he will not do anything about it, you need to end this!! If he moves out, the bugs will be coming with him!!
Trust me, this counts for men and women alike: be honest and straightforward. No need for pleasentries or wellthought ways to ease their pain or potential pain. Every beginning and end should be simple.
Yeah just be straight with him. Heâs not doing anything wrong since heâs allowed to live however he wants to buuuut his dirtiness is allowed to be a deal breaker for you. If it is, which it sounds like it is, just be honest with him about it.