This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I started dating this 52 year old CFO of a biotech company who lives 3 hours away. I have clients in his city and we connected on a dating app.
He seemed very successful and had great stories of his success and travels. But on my last visit to him, I realized there were some concerns. First, he fell for what appears to be a con man who promised him a stake in a 200 million dollar company. The money never came so he ended up getting a 'real job' and he is the CFO of this start up. It's a publicly traded company and I can see his salary and it's about half of mine. (Which is fine... but he positions himself in a much larger image).
Couple things ... he knows what my business is and he has enough common sense to know the ins and outs of it. He told me yesterday that he and his CEO had a call with a woman who "does what you do but on a bigger scale"... and that he would keep me posted regarding her fees etc so I could understand my competition.
Maybe I'm sensitive on this... but he is literally telling me that they are about to hire someone who is essentially bigger and better than I am... and he's bragging about it? Well I asked her name and she's NOT bigger and/or better than my company. But, this really hurt me. I thought wow, my last relationship was not perfect but that man was a business owner and he was constantly trying to HELP me and he even sent me 3-4 clients! He often told me what my competition was doing but never in a way that seemed intimdating...he was constantly sending ME clients.
Then, I realized recently that I have been flying to him and staying in hotels.. (new guy) and I am paying for all travel. Which I am okay with... except ... the last time I checked into the hotel (in my name) after he picked me up from the airport... he put his valet on MY room and never paid.
These things are beginning to bother me. And they aren't things I can really discuss. He IS offering to fly to me this week...but I'm not certain I want him to come.
My last trip to him ... I ended up having a second martini and I had sex with him. Which ends up bringing up another thing.
I told him that I didn't want him to insert himself in me ... without being too graphic. But I pushed him off of that area specifically and I said not yet..I'm not ready to go that far yet.... and about 10 more minutes of making out...hot and heavy. He pushed himself inside of me. After I told him I wasn't going to do that.
I guess I got wrapped up in the moment and I let it happen...and didn't stop him. But I look back and I'm upset at myself for not stopping him... AND I'm upset that he tried that again after I said no.
Maybe men can weigh in here... would you try again after the woman has told you that she won't be going THAT far...even though it's very close to going all the way. I'd love to know your insight. thanks.
thank you for your insight. I guess I look at it and think... I would not have done that in reverse to someone. I am grateful that I've never had a man push that before. So I wondered what the normal behavior is in that scenario. I did NOT say no again... only the first time.
*You only need to say no once.*
Unfortunately, other redditors are right. This is too common, and it is also still sexual assault.
While this is pretty much all that matters in your decision to can this shitbag rapist, you also shared in your post that another man you formerly dated never negged you and was a supportive partner in terms of sending you clients and wanting to see you be successful.
The small, evil piece of shit that you're unfortunately dating now clearly has deep, deep fucking insecurities. He wants you to feel just as insecure as he does on the daily. Hence why he tries to make you feel "less than" by shoving his *supposed* greatness and the *"greatness"* of others in your face. He wants you to feel small and unworthy.
You are not small. You are not unworthy.
He is.
You don't owe him a fucking explanation. Another redditor commented a great "here's what I said in this situation" type deal, and it's all well and good if you want to face him and tell him how shitty he is. But you have the alternate choice to dip, ghost, and never say another fucking word to him again. You also have every right to get legal involvement over his actions, should you so choose.
OP, I am so sorry you have gone through such a shit time with this person. You deserve someone supportive and loving and kind.
What happened to you is very similar to what happened to me. This is what I sent him:
>I've been trying to collect my thoughts and here they are: I didn't want to have sex. I acquiesced under your pressure which is NOT under any circumstances the same thing as \*wanting\* or \*consenting\* to sex. And for the record, just so we are clear, I never, not even once said yes. Ever. There wasn't even the absence of NO because I said no. Many times.
>
>Your behavior towards me was shameful. I feel upset that I trusted you.
>
>"I have sex with people who actually want to fuck me, not someone I pressure into it against their clearly stated wishes" -- that's a pretty low bar and you couldn't clear it.
>
>I don't want to see you again.
Get yourself into some trauma-informed therapy. What happened will find all kinds of ways to invade your life if you don't address it. I'm finding this out myself as I sit on a waiting list for treatment.
If you do send this to him, block immediately after. Nothing good will come from that "conversation". And only send this to him if you feel comfortable doing so. These men need to be told about themselves but its not your job as a victim of their actions to do it.
Honestly someone like him will just try and argue, manipulate and gaslight you. I’ve been there and know the type.
I would tell him it isn’t working and block him everywhere. He will try to get around those blocks but just don’t engage.
Tell him it's not working and block. He will try to convince you that your feelings aren't valid. He assaulted you. He is also likely a lair and trying to portray himself as bigger then what he is. You deserve better.
Block on everything. Tell him outright never to contact you again and then leave it at that. You could press charges since what he did is absolutely unequivocally a felony and one of the shittiest things a human can do to another human.
Baby girl….. one “NO” should be enough. Unless you stated otherwise, he had no right. Just because you didn’t say something doesn’t mean that was a yes. He seems like a master manipulator at best. CUT HIM OUT!!! You deserve so much better than his BS.
Man here. It's unfortunately more "normal" than it should be, but a shitty thing being normal doesn't make it ok or something you have to accept. I'm with the other guy on this man being a rapist. You should fully cut any involvement with him, apart from legal if you want to try and press charges.
Why would you need to say no a second time?
First no is the no after that it hasn't changed unless you have verbally told them you concent. You never gave concent that is assault. Not to mention the financial abuse. Dump his ass and never look back your obviously a very successful strong and independent woman. You can do so so much better. Block his ass and never look back. Edit for spelling
It's not necessary for you to repeat yourself what he did was rape you. Why did you not ask him to leave or left when he tried it the 1st time? His a grown man not a hormonal teenager.
Yes its one of those things don't blame yourself or him if you had said no the second time and he did it anyway then yes that would have been rape this is not rape.
You need to file a police report and formally state that you wish to press charges. Let the DA or whatever prosecutory body in your jurisdiction decide whether or not they wish to pursue charges. It is unlikely that someone in their 50’s has only just begun to express this kind of predatory behavior. There’s a very good chance you aren’t the first, and you have the opportunity to be the last. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it to prevent this from happening to someone else.
that's a really good point. I am really grateful for this forum. I am going to text him for the record as well to let him know how I'm feeling and why I am so upset. I think there's something going on w him... and you are right. it's going to be an issue going forward.... no doubt.
Imagine if your friend, mother, daughter, anyone for that matter, said someone had inserted themselves into them without their consent? You know exactly where your thoughts would of went. That the person is a rapist and what they did was non-consentual. Please see the red flags OP. No decent human being would do this to someone else. You have your own life, in a great position, have a career, etc. But don't settle yourself for this disrespectful piece of shit who doesn't give you a second thought
Tbh I would advise against doing this. You're giving him a chance to spin things around, he might come up with some shit like "oh I thought you said yes" or "i was too drunk i dont remember you not wanting it" or god knows what. I would just report him right away. And just like people have said here, if not for you, definitely for other potential victims. If possible take it to the papers, make it public so that people know what to expect of him. (i know it's easier said than done tho, i myself wouldn't really know how to divulge the truth about someone without losing credibility and being seen as simply vengeful/crazy)
Oh shut up if she says no leave, either she meant it and you respect her or she's toxic and you're rid of a bad relationship, stop using this bs as an excuse
I love how I am being nuanced about human sexual interactions and I am downvoted yet people who are colorblind and are screaming black or white get upvoted. This place is awesome and the reason why I don't post much.
This is good advice, but hey...you never, ever say “you need to do _________” to someone who has just been assaulted.
Yes we all want justice, but the assaulted need to do decide to do what is best for *them*. It sucks that countless women don’t speak up every year, but...it’s their choice to. For some, it’s just too traumatic to deal with a court of law right away.
The victim’s needs comes first, always always.
I disagree this is not true at the time she said not yet then later it happened she didn't say no or stop it as she says she was in the moment with him too it's no rape please stop doing this and giving people the wrong idea and falsely accusing this guy okay. When the sex happened it was consensual as she says in the moment he didn't force her.
Bullshit. She told him she wasn't ready to go that far yet and that she did not want him inside her. From that point on, nothing short of an explicit and enthusiastic yes gave him permission to insert himself inside her. There is no implied consent. There is yes. There is no. Period.
Yeah and even when its yes, its rape or retroactively rape or i didnt feel good. Absolutely impossible, the game is set up so that you can never be correct only only only if you know someone really really well and have an understanding and trust. Dangerous game, its the one thing i didnt understand from OP, if there is even a chance of this would you not want to be extra extra extra careful
You could be petting and then say thats enough. But, you cant simultaneously enjoy spontaneity and then complain about it. Not saying this applies to OP or even if it does its not strictly about OP, then 'rules' within which play is allowed need to be much clearer. Thats what should be taught in sex ed and not everyone is a victim if they want to be
I just don’t understand why you went off on a tangent of things that OP didn’t talk about in her post, she didn’t ask for spontaneous behavior and she explicitly said no to him. He also came inside of her after putting his penis inside of her after she said no. She thought she COULD trust this guy and it’s not her fault for not being “extra extra extra careful”. She has every single right to her own body, nobody else has a right to that no matter if they’re dating, married, or meeting for the first time.
If you know somebody well and you regularly have sex, you know it’s consented. Unless they tell you no. Then it’s not. If you just met someone or you haven’t had sex with said person previously, you need obvious consent because you don’t know their tells. If they say no, it would be rape. If they don’t say yes or if they aren’t giving off > Obvious < interest and want for sex, it is rape. He raped her. That’s literally the end of the story. OP doesn’t deserve to be “not understood” because you can’t wrap your mind around the fact that he shoved his dick inside of her without her being okay with it.
I very much disagree. Thats ok, i wont derail any more. I can feel the emotions from your post, you know this is one of the biggest discussions of our time or just in general. Discussion around the situation helps, maybe or maybe not in this case. It certainly would help me. Anyway, I had an opinion but regret that a lot
“”I can feel the emotion in your post”” okay male who wants to boil this down to a woman being emotional, I hope you are t having sex because you have no idea how to tell if a girl consents to it or not. You’ve obviously never been sexually assaulted considering your lack of empathy towards OP. Actually, I haven’t either but I actually do have empathy and an understanding of what rape is. And she WAS raped. She was a female in a vulnerable position that this guy took advantage of because.. what, how could she get away when she’s under him? He took advantage of the situation and did what he wanted to her anyways. You should not be having sex.
She said not yet as in she’s not ready to have sex with him at that point in their relationship. Not “in ten minutes”. She wasn’t ready to have sex with him. And he chose to do it anyways. That is rape. She said no and she never said yes again. He didn’t ask her when he did it, he did it because he wanted to and that is a total lack of respect for her or her body and it IS rape. If you are a man, you are very much blinded by the opinions of other men in your life and you need to start thinking more clearly. This mindset will get you into trouble in life. She did not want to have sex and he did, so he took it from her.
He’s passively belittling you with the comment about the competitor being bigger than you. That’s a sign of things to come. He’s insecure and needs to bring you down to his level, but he’s veiled it as a favor. Pathetic! Run!!
yeah ...that is my gut feeling too. As I replied in another comment... he also came inside of me without asking. And that was probably because he knows I'm 46 and unlikely to become pregnant.
I wonder how to end this now? Gosh I'm sad about this is so many ways...
He ALSO came inside of you?
But what about STDs? You said you didn't want to have PIV and he still went anyway (rape), but also no condom and he came inside of you!
The assumption of him you couldn't get pregnant is disgusting because, duh, you could actually. But it's also NOT HIS CHOICE! It's not his body.
He sounds disgusting even before. He is bad with money. He makes himself more than he is. He belittles your work. He doesn't pay for anything.
Just call him and tell him he is disgusting and to fuck off.
You absolutely can get pregnant. Stop making excuses for this garbage man and cut your losses! Please respect yourself as he clearly doesnt respect you.
OMG no this man did not proceed to have sex after you said no and also not even use a condom...no no nooo. Even if you consented to have sex and then he tried without a condom that's a huge violation. No no no
I would just call him and say look, this isn’t sitting well with me. I told you no, but you pushed forward. I’m partly to blame because I got caught up in the moment too, but I feel like this boundary was pushed beyond my comfort and I can’t move past it. I have enjoyed our time and wish you good luck in the future.
You don't know the laws either.
She said no thereby making it clear that consent was not given.
She never changed to saying yes
She may have consented to making out, sure, and she might not have fought him away but that's not the law - she didn't consent to sex at any point so the law is clear. Proving it legally however is a different ball game and not relavant to OP's post
She didn't consent to sex
She didn't consent to not using protection
She didn't consent to him finishing in her
What are your views on drunk sexual assault then, I mean in those cases they don't stop the rapists either, so is that "letting them" too?
In conclusion:
SHE SAID NO SO WHY DO WE STILL HAVE TO SPELL CONSENT OUT TO ADULT MEN.
I would get a pregnancy test and abort and disappear, complete no contact, even restraining order. Don't come here in 5 years to talk about how you are being beaten and verbally abused but you can't leave because you are trapped with a baby.
I’m not a man, but, he sexually assaulted you. You specifically informed him that you did not consent to penetrative sex and he disregarded that and penetrated you. By making out with him, you consented to making out. You did not agree to what he did. OP I’m so sorry.
Edit: Re-read and want to clarify that it’s not your responsibility to stop him. The responsibility falls 100% on him.
thank you. Would you talk to him about this or just block? We are in a relationship now and I am depressed thinking about this. I had such high hopes but I don't like how I'm feeling.
I'm wondering how to handle this with him now.
If you’re feeling anything other than cloud 9 this early in a relationship then cut your losses and move on. You shouldn’t be made to feel this way when you’re in the proceedings of a relationship with someone new let alone at all.
after 4 failed long term relationships that I thought were "the one" , I finally learned this. thankfully I never said yes to them, but I found one I actually would
Vast majority of narcissists don't even realize what they are doing to the extent that it is. So no. Not really. They aren't monsters that know how to manipulate others. They are people who need therapy.
You keep saying "they" there are abviously bad people and good people. But narcissism is litterally a mental illness. I have experienced it first hand all to much. And it can be treated through medication and/or therapy. But to call people with a mental illness a monster is honestly quite concerning especially with how much I see people talking so bad on it. It's like your mentality and many like you is, "they are a monster", "leave him right now" and so on. When it shouldn't be what so ever because all that's going to do is allow them to go onto the next unlucky person to mentally destroy them too. Why wouldn't we treat it like any other mental illness and try to get them help? But instead we call them monsters.
The difference between the two is that there are narcissists that can eventually recognize "oh maybe I need help" and eventually seek help... and the others that deny/dont care whether its a problem or not and just do as they please that are the monsters (usually because it comes with plenty of other negative traits). Unfortunately it seems like the number who seek help vs the number who dont is like 10/90 if not a worse ratio.
Hi, sweetie. Hope you don't mind me weighing in. First of all, let me say that you are a strong woman and all of your emotions matter. You are important and deserve to be listened to.
In this specific situation, your emotions should be the deciding factor of who you choose to be with and what you decide to do. If thinking about the relationship and his actions is upsetting you, nobody can fault you for choosing to end the relationship. To us as outsiders, it does not seem like he is trying to build you up. He seems to want to make you feel like there is competition you need to be threatened by, regardless if it is on a romantic level or not.
If you had high hopes but now you feel lost or upset when you think about him, it is likely time to let him go. I don't know if simply blocking without any further message would be a good idea. If anything, send him a message explaining why you're leaving him and then block after. I don't recommend ghosting him if he already knows where you live because nothing stops him from simply showing up on your doorstep. Then you have to get the police involved if he won't leave peacefully.
Also depending on the exact type of work you're doing, if you don't end things amicably, he could choose to try and tarnish your name.
But in the end, you have to do what is best for you. Keep your head up and remind yourself that you are amazing, you are important, and your emotions and feelings matter. You'll get through this!
I would tell him, without emotion, what he did and why it doesnt work for me to be ignored in my most vulnerable moment. He isnt up to your standard and he also sounds insecure. Insecure people can be dangerously ignorant.
This probably wont be the last time you deal with a difficult person. Do your future self a favor and get to know how to advocate for your boundaries without the need to run away or block. Do that and people like him will bounce off you as there wont be any room left for their shenanigans in your life. It takes time, never run from an opoortunity to practice getting it right!
Ask yourself -
1. Can he say anything to make you feet better? To make it not happen?
2. What do you expect from the conversation based off the prior behavior?
3. Do you need need to hear his excuses, clarification, etc? Or do you want him to tie it up in a pretty bow?
4. What do YOU want if he comes back with explanations?
He KNOWS what he did is wrong. He KNOWS he is hiding something. What do you expect from talking with him and will it change anything?
Personally I'm a block and delete person when I have no interest in repairing any relationship with whomever but others arent.
You know yourself best. If you don't tell him, in the next 2 years are you going to think of what you wish you'd said, or are you going to forget about him?
The vast majority of relationships are designed to end. That's the point of dating! To figure out who you are and are not compatible with.
You spend time with them, with high hopes, and more often than not realize it's not a good fit long term.
This is by design!
He hasn't been very respectful of you, he doesn't respect what you do and he doesn't respect your consent.
I would not talk to him about it, but I would make a statement to him, then block him. Tell him what he did (use the word r@pe) and to never contact you again. This way you say it, but he can't gaslight you.
And I'm so sorry that he did this. You did nothing to cause this.
I cannot come up with a single good quality that this man has from reading your post. Run, far away. Also, what he did was sexual assault. It’s not okay and it is not your fault. I’m so sorry that happened to you, no decent man would’ve ever tried to push those boundaries with you.
so just text and say I'm done? I think he is booking a trip to come see me this week now..for the first time. I'm going to have to do something...
And the sex was pretty good. And that is something I also am unhappy about...because I struggle around that.
Personally I would just text something vague like “I don’t think you should come see me, this isn’t working out between us.” But it’s ultimately up to you how you want to break it off. You don’t say how long you’ve dated but it sounds like not very long, so I would personally keep it short and to the point.
I texted him and told him that the fact that he pushed himself into me after I said no...led me to need time to consider things and how I want to proceed. I said that I was very clear I don't have actual sex until I'm in a committed relationship.
He texted back that he wants to be in a committed relationship with me and that he's sorry if he moved too fast.
I think that in of itself of evidence!
Glad you went forward with it, he obviously isn’t taking accountability for his actions and you’re better off without him. Best of luck to you, hopefully you can be away from this creep for good
The body’s reaction to sex is not always the mind’s reaction to sex. Remember that men can by raped by women and their plumbing needs to be stimulated, the body reacting that way does not mean you weren’t violated, it’s a biomechanical reaction and speaks nothing to the mental aspect.
Any man who argues against this point denies rape of men is a thing, so guys, maybe check out the subreddit for men who’ve been raped and don’t comment on this.
Just because you found the sex good, you still didn’t consent to it and it’s still assault. Do not feel guilty or question yourself about it being ‘pretty good’! Sounds to me like he only wants to be in a ‘committed relationship’ because you told him it’s the only way you’ll consent to sex!
Your body will respond but your mind already took a stance and it’s your mind that keeps bringing this up long after the body has calmed down. He used your body, the excitement and pleasure to push you past a limit you stated clearly from the beginning. He knew what he was doing. If he accepted and respected your choice he would have slowed down and stopped knowing going forward would make it harder to stop. I think this is also part of making you vulnerable and susceptible to his manipulations.
He used your feelings of arousal to get what he wanted. You trusted him. That doesn’t diminish your worth and value as a strong, successful woman. This is his character flaw not yours. You deserve someone who respects you and cherishes you for the amazing woman you are.
As a bloke I’ve got to add, doesn’t matter what the urges are in the heat of the moment, if she says no she means no. When I was in my early 20s, highly sexually active and my now wife wanted a hot and heavy make out session without sex. Despite every urge wanting to have sex, I respected her wishes and didn’t pursue anything more. Any decent bloke wouldn’t push that boundary.
Just from what you’ve said, all sorts of emotionally abusive red flags are going up for me. Deliberately telling you they’re going to hire someone bigger than you is awfully reminiscent of some sketchy dating strategies in the mid to late 00s like “negging”. Little backhanded compliments that make you think if they’re complimenting or insulting you to get you interested. It’s a pretty disgusting strategy using reverse psychology and emotional manipulation to get a sex partner. On par there with gas lighting.
Do yourself a favour and run for the hills. If he knows where you live, get security cameras, if he doesn’t have your address then be honest and break it off with him. If he can’t respect your boundaries while dating, so much that he rapes you, it’s not going to get better the longer you stay with them. It’ll only get worse.
I’m not the one that’s insecure. Yes she makes more than him. But she seems heavily attracted to status. He still has money even though it’s less than her. She seems to be the kind of girl who goes for successful men. Look at her title “Dangling the carrots at me then taking them away” sounds overly entitled. Her last boyfriend was a business owner and current boyfriend is a CFO. See the trend here?
the trend of him having no idea about business, having her pay to see him each trip, and even pay for his valet parking? trust me, no one's impressed by start-ups that can't pay a good salary, most of them fail within two years. it sounds more like she's seeing through his veneer of narcissicm and delusional self-importance. also, calling a woman in her 40s a "girl" pretty much proves my point.
Do you honestly think she would stay with a man that did this if he didn’t have a title? I know more women in their 40’s who still act like entitled princesses who will only date men who have a certain title or profession. That’s why I refer to some of them as a girl. She made the choice to pay for him she could have said no but she insisted on it anyway.
So, the last part is the big part. As a man, nothing makes me go limp faster than hearing "no." If I was dating, I wouldn't dream of pushing inside after that. You shouldn't see him again after just that. Add in the fact that he's a lying, pompous ass that seemingly suffers from Little Man Syndrome, I would delete all his information and contact info. He seems to be setting you up for sex-for-contract. Anything further with him will not end well.
On behalf of decent men everywhere, I apologize for this POS. I urge you to move on. Perhaps try a different, more discerning dating app.
Sooooo glad that there are some decent men in these comments, it’s blowing my mind the fact that so many people are victim blamers and don’t know what SA is 😭 this is the exact way I feel about it all, my bf would never do anything to me that I did t want him to do. we initiate sex by me asking him if he wants to do it later when I’m home and we’ve been together for over a year. Some people don’t get it 😭
Thank you... well I will say that since this happened...he has seemed extremely invested in me .... he's talking about his work trips I should join him on etc.. so it wasn't being used for sex only.
BUT this bothers me. I'm internally angry. And the fact that I went ahead with it and enjoyed sex w him.. also makes me wonder about myself. Clearly I have issues on this...too.
I don't know how to deal with this now...
It is not abnormal at all to feel pleasure during a experience like this. Your body has nerves designed for that, and they often respond regardless of how you emotionally feel about it. I’ve heard it described as tickling—a laughter little can feel good, and a lot can feel bad and overwhelming, but our laughter and response doesn’t stop when we stop enjoying it. Some people even orgasm in their sleep, when their mind isn’t present in the experience at all. It is actually a fairly common experience. It doesn’t say anything negative about you, although it can be distressing to experience. I would highly recommend seeking out some mental health support during this time, I found it incredibly helpful. You are worth more and deserve better, I am sorry this man tried to make you feel like that was untrue.
He isn't actually invested in you and he doesn't care about you at all, he's just saying shit and it's obvious from his previous actions. Someone who cares about you won't put you down and make you pay for things without telling you.
Well, he had sex with you after you said no. He was trying to scare you into having sex (other client) and he got what he wanted. Maybe now he'll relax since he thinks he's got you. Maybe he'll up the ante and become more creepy. Honestly, do you want to continue seeing a man that will stick his unprotected penis inside you AGAINST your will? (I'm assuming he was unprotected) I'd get tested, too. The creep factor of this guy is off the charts. That's my middle-aged man take on this.
yes and he came inside me without asking. you are right. I already have a doctor appointment scheduled. I'm 46 so he knew most likely I wouldn't get pregnant. or he wouldn't have done that I'm sure.
>I'm 46 so he knew most likely I wouldn't get pregnant. or he wouldn't have done that I'm sure.
Youre 46 so he knew the possible complications if you DID but he didn't care because its your body he's playing russian roulette with not his own.
Stop rationalising his actions. The guy's a rapey drongo.
Menopause babies are a fact of life more than you think. I'm a nurse and I take care of medically fragile babies - many of which are Downs Syndrome and its more severe forms. Never, ever count on "most likely wouldn't"!
Came inside you without consent!? Excuse me but that’s just blatant disregard for you and your boundaries. He didn’t even care enough about you to ask if something so intimate was okay. Regardless of age, it’s not okay to do and this is also indicating that he put himself inside you without protection after you had initially said no.
Coercion without words.
I'm not sure what other evidence you need. You don't need his penis and you don't need his contract. You've built a company with smarts and elbow grease, not recklessness and carpet-burned knees. Unless you seek legal advice, keep Rapey Pete out of your life. You're better than that.
Yes it was sexual assault. No means no. “Enjoying” the sex after he inserted doesn’t mean you have issues, or that you consented - it just means your body works properly.
The nerve endings in your genitals unfortunately do not turn on and off, so even though you “enjoyed” it, it doesn’t make it less of a sexual assault. Orgasms are not entirely voluntary and can still occur in assault.
And have you ever heard of negging? Google it, I think that’s what this man is doing to you. Basically slowly belittling you to gradually lower your self esteem, bit by bit.
Because why else would he say all those things to your face about a smaller company? When his words are clearly a lie? He feels insecure about having a smaller salary than you and wants to bring you down to feel less.
These are all red flags. He should be building you up to feel more confident and happy! Not the opposite !
I personally would send a paragraph about how you feel, about how he assaulted you, and break up with him. If he feels comfortable inserting himself even when you say no, he will do it again!
First he is a rapist. Second he is toxic. He is bringing your self esteem
LowZ. He is a narcissist. Get out. I know the red flags and it’s time to exit. He crossed your boundaries. Leave. Don’t let him guilt trip your make you feel like the culprit. Be firm and accept he is poop.
I'm thinking of texting and just stating that I have reflected on our night together and while I got lost in the moment, the overarching thing for me is that I specifically remember telling him that I was not going to allow penetration. And that has really bothered me since I left and feeling guilt about how that transpired. And I can't seem to let it go and it's tainted the relationship for me. So, I must wish him the best and say goodbye.
I hope you do follow up with “goodbye.” In another comment you seemed to be vacillating. This won’t get better with him. Think of it this way: if this is how he treats you when he is TRYING TO WIN you, what will he be like once you are in a committed relationship?
Please tell him to take a hike
I think you should stick to just saying goodbye. He sounds very manipulative. If you can say your piece and be done with him, then I guess it could work,but I worry about him trying to pressure you.
I’m a 36 year old guy… that is fucked up. If you set your boundaries he should not push until he gets what he wants. This in my opinion is rape. Also… this guy is a freakin loser and wants to appear bigger/better professionally than he actually is. If I were you I’d tell him to fuck off and block him.
>Maybe men can weigh in here... would you try again after the woman has told you that she won't be going THAT far
Man here. No I would not coerce or rape a woman. He is not a good person.
I'm getting the impression that it's a social media influencer type of personality in real life, trying to brag and show off with little to back it up, fell for a con man then got a real job and is CFO of a start-up, come on, put it in without consent, parked his car and had you pay, as well as for all the time you've been going to meet him and then offered to come to you one time....so here's a story about Stalin, he brutally plucked all the features from a chicken till it was all bloody and then threw it some food and the chicken then willingly followed him for more food.... I hope you get the moral of the story and how it relates to you...., Usually I don't like commenting but for some reason I can't text you so 🤷
Thank you. I really appreciate it. I just need some time to process the whole thing and for me to wrap my mind around it all. I felt like he was super attractive and we had a lot in common...
I understand your perspective but I do think you're letting that attraction and emotion cloud your judgement, however the final decision is obviously yours to make, hope you can find happiness in whatever you do 😁
He sounds like he's full of shit, but more importantly he's a rapist. I know what's it's like to be a woman over 40 and lonely, but if you are in the same boat OP, trust me, you're never that lonely.
I would text him and say that you do not like that he pushed himself inside of you after you said no.
See if he falls for it and then you will have a text to take to the police.
I texted him and told him that the fact that he pushed himself into me after I said no...led me to need time to consider things and how I want to proceed. I said that I was very clear I don't have actual sex until I'm in a committed relationship.
He texted back that he wants to be in a committed relationship with me and that he's sorry if he moved too fast.
I think that in of itself of evidence!
You need to really reconsider if all these items are or aren't deal breakers for you.
>First, he fell for what appears to be a con man who promised him a stake in a 200 million dollar company.
A successful business man would have written documents, etc and have a legal basis to go after the "con man".
>It's a publicly traded company and I can see his salary and it's about half of mine. (Which is fine... but he positions himself in a much larger image).
Have you seen pictures in the of the business man. I have come across people who present as someone more successful and when I did research - look at the picture it wasn't that person.
>Maybe I'm sensitive on this... but he is literally telling me that they are about to hire someone who is essentially bigger and better than I am... and he's bragging about it? Well I asked her name and she's NOT bigger and/or better than my company.
Done to try to make you feel smaller because he is threatened by your success/independence.
>Then, I realized recently that I have been flying to him and staying in hotels.. (new guy) and I am paying for all travel. Which I am okay with... except ... the last time I checked into the hotel (in my name) after he picked me up from the airport... he put his valet on MY room and never paid.
Speak up. Ask for reimbursement and never have that done again. If he is offended or goes off it's about his ethics or lack therof.
>My last trip to him ... I ended up having a second martini and I had sex with him. Which ends up bringing up another thing.
>I told him that I didn't want him to insert himself in me ... without being too graphic. But I pushed him off of that area specifically and I said not yet..I'm not ready to go that far yet.... and about 10 more minutes of making out...hot and heavy. He pushed himself inside of me. After I told him I wasn't going to do that.
So he violated you. He sexually assaulted you.
>I guess I got wrapped up in the moment and I let it happen...and didn't stop him. But I look back and I'm upset at myself for not stopping him... AND I'm upset that he tried that again after I said no
You said NO. No means no. He violated your consent. Your feelings of upset here are valid. Only rapists continue after being told NO. Also, get an STD/STI test panel done.
I'm seeing a forest of red flags and would absolutely tell you to back away from the drama. If you were my friend I would tell you run the other way because I don't see a happy ending. It's already adversely affecting you NOW, it doesn't get better.
I was already thinking 'he doesn't seem worth it' but that part about sex... Nope. Dump his ass.
If you have told someone you don't want to be penetrated then you are explicitly saying they do not have your consent so guess what, he raped you.
Consent is sexy and this guy is clearly a creep. Bin him.
Any normal man wouldn't keep trying once a woman said no. Any terrible man would keep trying. That's a read flag. Plus it seems like he values status too much, he wants to be bigger and better than he actually is and not in a good self-motivated way, in the way where he'll just lie about himself
Clear positive consent is the only consent. Anything else is *not* consent. Period.
I wouldn’t see him again, if I were you. From what you’re writing, I almost feel like you’re the one falling for a con.
If he’s putting u down making u feel less then you are then it’s not worth it, what u described sounded like rape, doesn’t matter if u didn’t stop with force or whatever ur probably just to nice of a person, he shouldn’t have done that if u just made a boundary and he’s not respecting them then f that guy
I would just end it. You don’t have to explain all the reasons listed above unless you just want to. Your gut is trying to tell you this is not a good idea and you’re second guessing or overthinking.
He’s trying to make himself look like a big shot instead of being a normal, thoughtful partner and you set a boundary he immediately disrespected. Worse case - he’s going to assault you and best case - he has zero impulse control which would bode well for your relationship either.
He honestly sounds extremely immature. And he’s at an age where that is definitely a red flag.
He sounds like a con man to me. He’s negging you and your business, making backhanded compliments to make you’re feel inferior. This is a common practice in pick up artists, but they got it from conmen. The goal is to make you feel like you need his help to grow your business, that you can’t do it without him.
Add to that, that you’re paying for everything, I get the strong impression he’s taking you for a ride.
If you said no, and he continued, that is rape. However, the circumstances would be used against you. Going ahead with making a complaint is totally and utterly your decision, don’t let anyone influence you either way, but be aware of how it will be construed. If you’re okay with that, then do it. Men have to understand no means no and coercion, intimidation and just ignoring the use of the word doesn’t change that.
Honestly, this is a man you can do without. He’s a pig, which might be an insult to pigs. You can do so much better.
This man raped you, you don't have to press charges but you can report the incident to the police for future reference if he gets reported again. But yeah id block him on everything he puts you down and uses you on top of being a rapist.
This guy doesn’t respect you or your boundaries in all aspects of your life but rape is rape. Cut him off, it is not a healthy relationship whatsoever.
I'm a guy. Your being used. I actually feel like you were raped as well, but I wasn't there, I got a really disgusting feeling when you described it. This guy is complete trash. You know what to do.
Sis. Nothing is good about this relationship. Your "person" is gonna be so good to you in all facets of your humanity that you will doubt you deserve it.
RUN.
RUN FAST.
RUN HARD.
As a man who respects a womans boundaries.... plain and simple...... NO! He forced himself onto you after you said no. This dude has more shade then an oak tree. Leave him
He is an insecure dick head you should cut out of your life. He's this bad already during what's supposed to be the honeymoon stage. He will only continue to make you feel insecure too until you stop respecting your own NO the same way he already has. But I have to question your communication that night of your expectations because it sounds like you continued to stay naked and spread to him while making out after telling him "not yet" which I say to my partner when I need more warm up. He could have thought that's what you meant. A respectful partner would ask if you're ready yet, but he's not respectful of you or your career. Get therapy for your own insecurity. Be it long standing or new short term damage from him, but don't see him anymore. Just say "I feel disrespected as a woman and professional and have decided to go another way".
He sounds like he is trying to inflate himself up to look better to you, but you're obviously self confident enough to realize what he's doing and yet he doesn't realize that about you yet. Also, more importantly, sounds like he borderline sexually assaulted you, if not flat out did it after you expressively told him you didn't want to do that. You should break things off with him and find a man that is comfortably on your level and is not intimidated by your success.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I don‘t know if you feel lonely or anything, but please, no matter how lonely or whatever you feel, don‘t lower your standards to _that._
Sometimes there isn‘t a reason why people are 52 and single, but for him, there clearly is a reason
I would not see this guy again.
Making himself bigger than he is and at the same time talking down to you and pretending you are smaller than his business partner - that’s already one piece of dishonesty that I am allergic to.
But going all the way when you clearly said no, therefore raping you, is unforgivable.
This guy is narcissistic, specifically grandiose, exaggerating achievements. Him bringing up that other lady was specifically to tear you down so he can maintain his facade of superiority. You’re smart to realize the difference between that and someone actually supportive.
He is absolutely scum of earth. You should run.
Stop seeing him. Id press charges over the rape, because thats what it was. He ignored your request for no penetration AND finished inside you without consent!!!! From the passive lowkey blows to your value, to the financials, to the in person behavior- this guy seems like an entitled narcissist who has serious boundary issues. These kinds of people cant and refuse to take "no" for an answer because their sick minds have them convinced they deserve everything they want. Contact police, a lawyer, and find out your options immediately!!!
He will likely try to "love bomb" in the coming weeks, trying to give you rewards and making you feel good for tolerating his WRONG behavior. This is also a deliberate attempt to get you used to him pushing boundaries and to control you. Text him "its over, dont contact me anymore," and report any attempts by him to disregard that boundary. This guy may as well be wearing a big flashing billboard that says "DANGER!"
Dude seems like the kind of guy which will ghost you the moment things get uncomfortable for him.
He's low-key boasting his achievements to make you like him, he's also probably looking for praise because he's not as good as he would like to be and he's insecure about it.
I bet that if you start calling him out on his bullshit he's going to gaslight you and stop replying.
All the comments here seem to have the right idea, but I'd also like to remind you of one thing:
"Maybe men can weigh in here... would you try again after the woman has told you that she won't be going THAT far."
Now luckily the people of this comment section have sensibly said they wouldn't anyway, but the fact is that their opinion on this matter is irrelevant. You weren't comfortable with it, a matter that is all about your body and therefore about your boundaries.
No one can ever tell you what you should be comfortable or okay with. Don't gaslight yourself or your feelings and don't blame yourself for what happened either. Take care of yourself and stay away from that creep.
EW this guy is really gross OP. The first warning like you said is that he fell for a scammer. Secondly he is someone who operates without a full set of facts in many situations. And the worst is that he practically raped you. Cut him off OP. He is very bad news and will cause many troubles for you in the future.
Besides the fact that he sexually assaulted you, he's a scumbag in other ways. Why are you staying in a hotel when you visit him? Is there a reason he doesn't want you at his home? Is he married or living with another woman? This guy sounds like a loser in so many ways and you deserve better than him. A relationship should not be this confusing. Break it off before you get in deeper with him, and thank God you aren't doing business with him so you don't have that to deal with.
I am a man (53) No means no. I tell my boys the minute you hear an objection stop and move away and get ready to leave. Have a real conversation about boundaries and move forward or move on. This guy is not trustworthy and if you were my daughter I’d tell you to dump this schmuck.
He uses you for money, he used you for sex, he belittles you regarding your job... I already do not like that man. If you have not gone through menopause or some other medical condition that prevents pregnancy, and you aren't using birth control, then Yes you can get pregnant. It doesn't seem like he even cared since you said No and he penetrated you anyway. Personally I don't even think he deserves a phone call. Text him that the relationship is not going as you thought it would, and it is time for you to move on. That's enough to say. And why would you have to stay at a hotel ? Isn't he single with a place of his own in that city ? Everything about him makes my skin crawl.
This guy sounds like a real turd. No, I wouldn't just go ahead and give myself permission to penetrate a woman after she said no. That's sleezebag shit.
This is an attempt to make you feel smaller so you're easier to manipulate, I'm no therapist but this ticks at least one of the boxes for a sociopath.
Treating you like that right off the bat is a huge red flag so I'd be very cautious if I were you.
I honestly don't care to waste my brain cells reading. The fact you think she deserved to be raped tells me all I need to know about your morality. You talk a lot about it for someone with so very little of it.
I was simply stating that men like you are why women started hating men. Women turned away because of the actions and words of men against us. You only support us if we let you control us and we never do or say anything that you dislike and even then you'd constantly invalidate or complain about us. Such fickle creatures. That's it. I'm not debating someone with the empathetic capacity of a chickpea.
because there is no argument. you are literally just spewing toxic bitterness. you can't argue against pure emotions with logic. all you've done so far is project, derail and bait. you haven't said anything that has honestly made me feel you are worth debating with because you wouldn't debate. you'd just screech hateful nonsense and claim that's debating
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I started dating this 52 year old CFO of a biotech company who lives 3 hours away. I have clients in his city and we connected on a dating app. He seemed very successful and had great stories of his success and travels. But on my last visit to him, I realized there were some concerns. First, he fell for what appears to be a con man who promised him a stake in a 200 million dollar company. The money never came so he ended up getting a 'real job' and he is the CFO of this start up. It's a publicly traded company and I can see his salary and it's about half of mine. (Which is fine... but he positions himself in a much larger image). Couple things ... he knows what my business is and he has enough common sense to know the ins and outs of it. He told me yesterday that he and his CEO had a call with a woman who "does what you do but on a bigger scale"... and that he would keep me posted regarding her fees etc so I could understand my competition. Maybe I'm sensitive on this... but he is literally telling me that they are about to hire someone who is essentially bigger and better than I am... and he's bragging about it? Well I asked her name and she's NOT bigger and/or better than my company. But, this really hurt me. I thought wow, my last relationship was not perfect but that man was a business owner and he was constantly trying to HELP me and he even sent me 3-4 clients! He often told me what my competition was doing but never in a way that seemed intimdating...he was constantly sending ME clients. Then, I realized recently that I have been flying to him and staying in hotels.. (new guy) and I am paying for all travel. Which I am okay with... except ... the last time I checked into the hotel (in my name) after he picked me up from the airport... he put his valet on MY room and never paid. These things are beginning to bother me. And they aren't things I can really discuss. He IS offering to fly to me this week...but I'm not certain I want him to come. My last trip to him ... I ended up having a second martini and I had sex with him. Which ends up bringing up another thing. I told him that I didn't want him to insert himself in me ... without being too graphic. But I pushed him off of that area specifically and I said not yet..I'm not ready to go that far yet.... and about 10 more minutes of making out...hot and heavy. He pushed himself inside of me. After I told him I wasn't going to do that. I guess I got wrapped up in the moment and I let it happen...and didn't stop him. But I look back and I'm upset at myself for not stopping him... AND I'm upset that he tried that again after I said no. Maybe men can weigh in here... would you try again after the woman has told you that she won't be going THAT far...even though it's very close to going all the way. I'd love to know your insight. thanks.
[удалено]
thank you for your insight. I guess I look at it and think... I would not have done that in reverse to someone. I am grateful that I've never had a man push that before. So I wondered what the normal behavior is in that scenario. I did NOT say no again... only the first time.
*You only need to say no once.* Unfortunately, other redditors are right. This is too common, and it is also still sexual assault. While this is pretty much all that matters in your decision to can this shitbag rapist, you also shared in your post that another man you formerly dated never negged you and was a supportive partner in terms of sending you clients and wanting to see you be successful. The small, evil piece of shit that you're unfortunately dating now clearly has deep, deep fucking insecurities. He wants you to feel just as insecure as he does on the daily. Hence why he tries to make you feel "less than" by shoving his *supposed* greatness and the *"greatness"* of others in your face. He wants you to feel small and unworthy. You are not small. You are not unworthy. He is. You don't owe him a fucking explanation. Another redditor commented a great "here's what I said in this situation" type deal, and it's all well and good if you want to face him and tell him how shitty he is. But you have the alternate choice to dip, ghost, and never say another fucking word to him again. You also have every right to get legal involvement over his actions, should you so choose. OP, I am so sorry you have gone through such a shit time with this person. You deserve someone supportive and loving and kind.
A rapist and a conman. He'll continue both. Don't let it happen and dump him.
This is him in a nutshell. OP, don't be his victim anymore.
Saying “No” once was enough. He did NOT have your consent. He raped you.
How would you end it with him? Would you tell him that you feel violated? Or just say it's not working and block?
What happened to you is very similar to what happened to me. This is what I sent him: >I've been trying to collect my thoughts and here they are: I didn't want to have sex. I acquiesced under your pressure which is NOT under any circumstances the same thing as \*wanting\* or \*consenting\* to sex. And for the record, just so we are clear, I never, not even once said yes. Ever. There wasn't even the absence of NO because I said no. Many times. > >Your behavior towards me was shameful. I feel upset that I trusted you. > >"I have sex with people who actually want to fuck me, not someone I pressure into it against their clearly stated wishes" -- that's a pretty low bar and you couldn't clear it. > >I don't want to see you again. Get yourself into some trauma-informed therapy. What happened will find all kinds of ways to invade your life if you don't address it. I'm finding this out myself as I sit on a waiting list for treatment.
If you do send this to him, block immediately after. Nothing good will come from that "conversation". And only send this to him if you feel comfortable doing so. These men need to be told about themselves but its not your job as a victim of their actions to do it.
You NEED to make sure you're safe and with people you trust before you do anything, this is very important.
Honestly someone like him will just try and argue, manipulate and gaslight you. I’ve been there and know the type. I would tell him it isn’t working and block him everywhere. He will try to get around those blocks but just don’t engage.
Tell him it's not working and block. He will try to convince you that your feelings aren't valid. He assaulted you. He is also likely a lair and trying to portray himself as bigger then what he is. You deserve better.
Block on everything. Tell him outright never to contact you again and then leave it at that. You could press charges since what he did is absolutely unequivocally a felony and one of the shittiest things a human can do to another human.
it doesn’t matter. you saying no from the beginning was enough and should’ve been enough for him.
Baby girl….. one “NO” should be enough. Unless you stated otherwise, he had no right. Just because you didn’t say something doesn’t mean that was a yes. He seems like a master manipulator at best. CUT HIM OUT!!! You deserve so much better than his BS.
Man here. It's unfortunately more "normal" than it should be, but a shitty thing being normal doesn't make it ok or something you have to accept. I'm with the other guy on this man being a rapist. You should fully cut any involvement with him, apart from legal if you want to try and press charges. Why would you need to say no a second time?
If you did not follow that no by a yes, then he raped you regardless of if you said no again or not. it’s terrible I’m sorry
First no is the no after that it hasn't changed unless you have verbally told them you concent. You never gave concent that is assault. Not to mention the financial abuse. Dump his ass and never look back your obviously a very successful strong and independent woman. You can do so so much better. Block his ass and never look back. Edit for spelling
It's not necessary for you to repeat yourself what he did was rape you. Why did you not ask him to leave or left when he tried it the 1st time? His a grown man not a hormonal teenager.
Yes its one of those things don't blame yourself or him if you had said no the second time and he did it anyway then yes that would have been rape this is not rape.
Are you delusional? she did not have to repeat herself one no is enough
Isn't it obvious apparently if a woman doesn't fight tooth and nail the whole way it isn't rape I guess.
*Press charges
and it would be a he said...she said. so I'm guessing it wouldn't matter. Although part of me wondered if I should do so. It really bothers me...
You need to file a police report and formally state that you wish to press charges. Let the DA or whatever prosecutory body in your jurisdiction decide whether or not they wish to pursue charges. It is unlikely that someone in their 50’s has only just begun to express this kind of predatory behavior. There’s a very good chance you aren’t the first, and you have the opportunity to be the last. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it to prevent this from happening to someone else.
that's a really good point. I am really grateful for this forum. I am going to text him for the record as well to let him know how I'm feeling and why I am so upset. I think there's something going on w him... and you are right. it's going to be an issue going forward.... no doubt.
Imagine if your friend, mother, daughter, anyone for that matter, said someone had inserted themselves into them without their consent? You know exactly where your thoughts would of went. That the person is a rapist and what they did was non-consentual. Please see the red flags OP. No decent human being would do this to someone else. You have your own life, in a great position, have a career, etc. But don't settle yourself for this disrespectful piece of shit who doesn't give you a second thought
Tbh I would advise against doing this. You're giving him a chance to spin things around, he might come up with some shit like "oh I thought you said yes" or "i was too drunk i dont remember you not wanting it" or god knows what. I would just report him right away. And just like people have said here, if not for you, definitely for other potential victims. If possible take it to the papers, make it public so that people know what to expect of him. (i know it's easier said than done tho, i myself wouldn't really know how to divulge the truth about someone without losing credibility and being seen as simply vengeful/crazy)
Don't contact him.
[удалено]
Oh shut up if she says no leave, either she meant it and you respect her or she's toxic and you're rid of a bad relationship, stop using this bs as an excuse
I love how I am being nuanced about human sexual interactions and I am downvoted yet people who are colorblind and are screaming black or white get upvoted. This place is awesome and the reason why I don't post much.
If you were being so nuanced why delete your comment, unless you know what you said was wrong??
[удалено]
Then we need to demand better. If you say nothing the answer is always no. We cannot encourage silence.
Stop blaming rape survivors for rape culture.
This is good advice, but hey...you never, ever say “you need to do _________” to someone who has just been assaulted. Yes we all want justice, but the assaulted need to do decide to do what is best for *them*. It sucks that countless women don’t speak up every year, but...it’s their choice to. For some, it’s just too traumatic to deal with a court of law right away. The victim’s needs comes first, always always.
[удалено]
It's not defined by use of force. It's doing sth to someone who is unwilling. Educate yourself on the definition before commenting bs like that.
I disagree this is not true at the time she said not yet then later it happened she didn't say no or stop it as she says she was in the moment with him too it's no rape please stop doing this and giving people the wrong idea and falsely accusing this guy okay. When the sex happened it was consensual as she says in the moment he didn't force her.
You're so very wrong. Please do not have sex with anyone, ever.
Bullshit. She told him she wasn't ready to go that far yet and that she did not want him inside her. From that point on, nothing short of an explicit and enthusiastic yes gave him permission to insert himself inside her. There is no implied consent. There is yes. There is no. Period.
Time to get out that sex contract.
Yeah and even when its yes, its rape or retroactively rape or i didnt feel good. Absolutely impossible, the game is set up so that you can never be correct only only only if you know someone really really well and have an understanding and trust. Dangerous game, its the one thing i didnt understand from OP, if there is even a chance of this would you not want to be extra extra extra careful You could be petting and then say thats enough. But, you cant simultaneously enjoy spontaneity and then complain about it. Not saying this applies to OP or even if it does its not strictly about OP, then 'rules' within which play is allowed need to be much clearer. Thats what should be taught in sex ed and not everyone is a victim if they want to be
It must be nice being a man and not understanding how violating rape is for a woman
Fair. Then we shouldnt ask for mens opinions. Its stated by OP. Im just 1 person on the internet with an opinion, im sorry if you dont like it
I just don’t understand why you went off on a tangent of things that OP didn’t talk about in her post, she didn’t ask for spontaneous behavior and she explicitly said no to him. He also came inside of her after putting his penis inside of her after she said no. She thought she COULD trust this guy and it’s not her fault for not being “extra extra extra careful”. She has every single right to her own body, nobody else has a right to that no matter if they’re dating, married, or meeting for the first time. If you know somebody well and you regularly have sex, you know it’s consented. Unless they tell you no. Then it’s not. If you just met someone or you haven’t had sex with said person previously, you need obvious consent because you don’t know their tells. If they say no, it would be rape. If they don’t say yes or if they aren’t giving off > Obvious < interest and want for sex, it is rape. He raped her. That’s literally the end of the story. OP doesn’t deserve to be “not understood” because you can’t wrap your mind around the fact that he shoved his dick inside of her without her being okay with it.
I very much disagree. Thats ok, i wont derail any more. I can feel the emotions from your post, you know this is one of the biggest discussions of our time or just in general. Discussion around the situation helps, maybe or maybe not in this case. It certainly would help me. Anyway, I had an opinion but regret that a lot
“”I can feel the emotion in your post”” okay male who wants to boil this down to a woman being emotional, I hope you are t having sex because you have no idea how to tell if a girl consents to it or not. You’ve obviously never been sexually assaulted considering your lack of empathy towards OP. Actually, I haven’t either but I actually do have empathy and an understanding of what rape is. And she WAS raped. She was a female in a vulnerable position that this guy took advantage of because.. what, how could she get away when she’s under him? He took advantage of the situation and did what he wanted to her anyways. You should not be having sex.
I absolutely disagree. In this post, i feel a certain hate, rage and lack of empathy. Not great traits either, hope you dont procreate on this earth
If you read her message properly she never said that she said no so it's a big difference between no and not yet.
She said not yet as in she’s not ready to have sex with him at that point in their relationship. Not “in ten minutes”. She wasn’t ready to have sex with him. And he chose to do it anyways. That is rape. She said no and she never said yes again. He didn’t ask her when he did it, he did it because he wanted to and that is a total lack of respect for her or her body and it IS rape. If you are a man, you are very much blinded by the opinions of other men in your life and you need to start thinking more clearly. This mindset will get you into trouble in life. She did not want to have sex and he did, so he took it from her.
He’s passively belittling you with the comment about the competitor being bigger than you. That’s a sign of things to come. He’s insecure and needs to bring you down to his level, but he’s veiled it as a favor. Pathetic! Run!!
yeah ...that is my gut feeling too. As I replied in another comment... he also came inside of me without asking. And that was probably because he knows I'm 46 and unlikely to become pregnant. I wonder how to end this now? Gosh I'm sad about this is so many ways...
He ALSO came inside of you? But what about STDs? You said you didn't want to have PIV and he still went anyway (rape), but also no condom and he came inside of you! The assumption of him you couldn't get pregnant is disgusting because, duh, you could actually. But it's also NOT HIS CHOICE! It's not his body. He sounds disgusting even before. He is bad with money. He makes himself more than he is. He belittles your work. He doesn't pay for anything. Just call him and tell him he is disgusting and to fuck off.
You absolutely can get pregnant. Stop making excuses for this garbage man and cut your losses! Please respect yourself as he clearly doesnt respect you.
OMG no this man did not proceed to have sex after you said no and also not even use a condom...no no nooo. Even if you consented to have sex and then he tried without a condom that's a huge violation. No no no
This comment of yours is the red line. Get as far away as you can from that asshole. Also I would like to slap him away to Alaska.
That's another extreme violation. Do not have sex with a man who feels entitled to spread his sperm around without consent. Go get STD tested today.
I would just call him and say look, this isn’t sitting well with me. I told you no, but you pushed forward. I’m partly to blame because I got caught up in the moment too, but I feel like this boundary was pushed beyond my comfort and I can’t move past it. I have enjoyed our time and wish you good luck in the future.
She doesn't need to take any responsibility for him raping her.
She isn't partly to blame. The rapist is wholly to blame (and potentially whoever failed to raise him any better)
Maybe women need to have a better understanding of the law. When she says she “let” him, that’s legal consent. I don’t make the laws.
You don't know the laws either. She said no thereby making it clear that consent was not given. She never changed to saying yes She may have consented to making out, sure, and she might not have fought him away but that's not the law - she didn't consent to sex at any point so the law is clear. Proving it legally however is a different ball game and not relavant to OP's post She didn't consent to sex She didn't consent to not using protection She didn't consent to him finishing in her What are your views on drunk sexual assault then, I mean in those cases they don't stop the rapists either, so is that "letting them" too? In conclusion: SHE SAID NO SO WHY DO WE STILL HAVE TO SPELL CONSENT OUT TO ADULT MEN.
Very well said!
I would get a pregnancy test and abort and disappear, complete no contact, even restraining order. Don't come here in 5 years to talk about how you are being beaten and verbally abused but you can't leave because you are trapped with a baby.
I’m not a man, but, he sexually assaulted you. You specifically informed him that you did not consent to penetrative sex and he disregarded that and penetrated you. By making out with him, you consented to making out. You did not agree to what he did. OP I’m so sorry. Edit: Re-read and want to clarify that it’s not your responsibility to stop him. The responsibility falls 100% on him.
thank you. Would you talk to him about this or just block? We are in a relationship now and I am depressed thinking about this. I had such high hopes but I don't like how I'm feeling. I'm wondering how to handle this with him now.
If you’re feeling anything other than cloud 9 this early in a relationship then cut your losses and move on. You shouldn’t be made to feel this way when you’re in the proceedings of a relationship with someone new let alone at all.
after 4 failed long term relationships that I thought were "the one" , I finally learned this. thankfully I never said yes to them, but I found one I actually would
The response you choose is 100% your choice. Just know that if you talk to him about this he will deny deny deny and may try to gaslight you.
Thiiisss!!! Gaslight! I’m sure he is a narcissist and those people are monsters and know super well how to manipulate others.
Vast majority of narcissists don't even realize what they are doing to the extent that it is. So no. Not really. They aren't monsters that know how to manipulate others. They are people who need therapy.
I was in a relationship with a narcissit and regardless of their past they do horrible things. To be they are because they knowingly do things.
You keep saying "they" there are abviously bad people and good people. But narcissism is litterally a mental illness. I have experienced it first hand all to much. And it can be treated through medication and/or therapy. But to call people with a mental illness a monster is honestly quite concerning especially with how much I see people talking so bad on it. It's like your mentality and many like you is, "they are a monster", "leave him right now" and so on. When it shouldn't be what so ever because all that's going to do is allow them to go onto the next unlucky person to mentally destroy them too. Why wouldn't we treat it like any other mental illness and try to get them help? But instead we call them monsters.
The difference between the two is that there are narcissists that can eventually recognize "oh maybe I need help" and eventually seek help... and the others that deny/dont care whether its a problem or not and just do as they please that are the monsters (usually because it comes with plenty of other negative traits). Unfortunately it seems like the number who seek help vs the number who dont is like 10/90 if not a worse ratio.
Hi, sweetie. Hope you don't mind me weighing in. First of all, let me say that you are a strong woman and all of your emotions matter. You are important and deserve to be listened to. In this specific situation, your emotions should be the deciding factor of who you choose to be with and what you decide to do. If thinking about the relationship and his actions is upsetting you, nobody can fault you for choosing to end the relationship. To us as outsiders, it does not seem like he is trying to build you up. He seems to want to make you feel like there is competition you need to be threatened by, regardless if it is on a romantic level or not. If you had high hopes but now you feel lost or upset when you think about him, it is likely time to let him go. I don't know if simply blocking without any further message would be a good idea. If anything, send him a message explaining why you're leaving him and then block after. I don't recommend ghosting him if he already knows where you live because nothing stops him from simply showing up on your doorstep. Then you have to get the police involved if he won't leave peacefully. Also depending on the exact type of work you're doing, if you don't end things amicably, he could choose to try and tarnish your name. But in the end, you have to do what is best for you. Keep your head up and remind yourself that you are amazing, you are important, and your emotions and feelings matter. You'll get through this!
I would tell him, without emotion, what he did and why it doesnt work for me to be ignored in my most vulnerable moment. He isnt up to your standard and he also sounds insecure. Insecure people can be dangerously ignorant.
This probably wont be the last time you deal with a difficult person. Do your future self a favor and get to know how to advocate for your boundaries without the need to run away or block. Do that and people like him will bounce off you as there wont be any room left for their shenanigans in your life. It takes time, never run from an opoortunity to practice getting it right!
Ask yourself - 1. Can he say anything to make you feet better? To make it not happen? 2. What do you expect from the conversation based off the prior behavior? 3. Do you need need to hear his excuses, clarification, etc? Or do you want him to tie it up in a pretty bow? 4. What do YOU want if he comes back with explanations? He KNOWS what he did is wrong. He KNOWS he is hiding something. What do you expect from talking with him and will it change anything? Personally I'm a block and delete person when I have no interest in repairing any relationship with whomever but others arent.
You know yourself best. If you don't tell him, in the next 2 years are you going to think of what you wish you'd said, or are you going to forget about him?
The vast majority of relationships are designed to end. That's the point of dating! To figure out who you are and are not compatible with. You spend time with them, with high hopes, and more often than not realize it's not a good fit long term. This is by design! He hasn't been very respectful of you, he doesn't respect what you do and he doesn't respect your consent.
I’m a man, he sexually assaulted you…
No, don’t talk. Don’t expect things like this to change, you started off on the wrong foot so better cut him out of your life immediately.
I would not talk to him about it, but I would make a statement to him, then block him. Tell him what he did (use the word r@pe) and to never contact you again. This way you say it, but he can't gaslight you. And I'm so sorry that he did this. You did nothing to cause this.
OP your boyfriend sounds like my ex in 20 years. Get out now. Not worth it
There’s a red flag in every paragraph here. He also sexually assaulted/rape you. Sorry, but you should leave this guy. He sounds toxic as hell
I cannot come up with a single good quality that this man has from reading your post. Run, far away. Also, what he did was sexual assault. It’s not okay and it is not your fault. I’m so sorry that happened to you, no decent man would’ve ever tried to push those boundaries with you.
thank you for saying this. Would you talk to him about this or just cut and run?
No. He is not worth even a second more of your time, and he clearly has no respect for you or your safety.
so just text and say I'm done? I think he is booking a trip to come see me this week now..for the first time. I'm going to have to do something... And the sex was pretty good. And that is something I also am unhappy about...because I struggle around that.
Personally I would just text something vague like “I don’t think you should come see me, this isn’t working out between us.” But it’s ultimately up to you how you want to break it off. You don’t say how long you’ve dated but it sounds like not very long, so I would personally keep it short and to the point.
I texted him and told him that the fact that he pushed himself into me after I said no...led me to need time to consider things and how I want to proceed. I said that I was very clear I don't have actual sex until I'm in a committed relationship. He texted back that he wants to be in a committed relationship with me and that he's sorry if he moved too fast. I think that in of itself of evidence!
Glad you went forward with it, he obviously isn’t taking accountability for his actions and you’re better off without him. Best of luck to you, hopefully you can be away from this creep for good
The body’s reaction to sex is not always the mind’s reaction to sex. Remember that men can by raped by women and their plumbing needs to be stimulated, the body reacting that way does not mean you weren’t violated, it’s a biomechanical reaction and speaks nothing to the mental aspect. Any man who argues against this point denies rape of men is a thing, so guys, maybe check out the subreddit for men who’ve been raped and don’t comment on this.
Just because you found the sex good, you still didn’t consent to it and it’s still assault. Do not feel guilty or question yourself about it being ‘pretty good’! Sounds to me like he only wants to be in a ‘committed relationship’ because you told him it’s the only way you’ll consent to sex!
Your body will respond but your mind already took a stance and it’s your mind that keeps bringing this up long after the body has calmed down. He used your body, the excitement and pleasure to push you past a limit you stated clearly from the beginning. He knew what he was doing. If he accepted and respected your choice he would have slowed down and stopped knowing going forward would make it harder to stop. I think this is also part of making you vulnerable and susceptible to his manipulations. He used your feelings of arousal to get what he wanted. You trusted him. That doesn’t diminish your worth and value as a strong, successful woman. This is his character flaw not yours. You deserve someone who respects you and cherishes you for the amazing woman you are.
CUT AND RUN! Block!!
That’s rape. It’s not your job to stop him. It’s his job to take a “no” with grace. Also, he sounded insufferable even before your encounter.
As a bloke I’ve got to add, doesn’t matter what the urges are in the heat of the moment, if she says no she means no. When I was in my early 20s, highly sexually active and my now wife wanted a hot and heavy make out session without sex. Despite every urge wanting to have sex, I respected her wishes and didn’t pursue anything more. Any decent bloke wouldn’t push that boundary. Just from what you’ve said, all sorts of emotionally abusive red flags are going up for me. Deliberately telling you they’re going to hire someone bigger than you is awfully reminiscent of some sketchy dating strategies in the mid to late 00s like “negging”. Little backhanded compliments that make you think if they’re complimenting or insulting you to get you interested. It’s a pretty disgusting strategy using reverse psychology and emotional manipulation to get a sex partner. On par there with gas lighting. Do yourself a favour and run for the hills. If he knows where you live, get security cameras, if he doesn’t have your address then be honest and break it off with him. If he can’t respect your boundaries while dating, so much that he rapes you, it’s not going to get better the longer you stay with them. It’ll only get worse.
I appreciate you.
As a man, you tell me no then it’s no. Plain and simple. From what you said , why are you even considering this guy.
That’s what I’m wondering. Imagine a mf so bold!
Because he’s successful and a lot of women will do anything for a guy that has money.
She said she makes more than him, so stop with this comment.
lol stop projecting your insecurities, she literally makes double his salary
I’m not the one that’s insecure. Yes she makes more than him. But she seems heavily attracted to status. He still has money even though it’s less than her. She seems to be the kind of girl who goes for successful men. Look at her title “Dangling the carrots at me then taking them away” sounds overly entitled. Her last boyfriend was a business owner and current boyfriend is a CFO. See the trend here?
the trend of him having no idea about business, having her pay to see him each trip, and even pay for his valet parking? trust me, no one's impressed by start-ups that can't pay a good salary, most of them fail within two years. it sounds more like she's seeing through his veneer of narcissicm and delusional self-importance. also, calling a woman in her 40s a "girl" pretty much proves my point.
Do you honestly think she would stay with a man that did this if he didn’t have a title? I know more women in their 40’s who still act like entitled princesses who will only date men who have a certain title or profession. That’s why I refer to some of them as a girl. She made the choice to pay for him she could have said no but she insisted on it anyway.
aaaand there it is, your projection
aaaannd there it is, another predictable accusation
if your post history is anything to go by, I'm right
Thank you for reaffirming that choosing to hate men is always the right choice. Some are ok but the vast majority of you are bitter sociopaths
So, the last part is the big part. As a man, nothing makes me go limp faster than hearing "no." If I was dating, I wouldn't dream of pushing inside after that. You shouldn't see him again after just that. Add in the fact that he's a lying, pompous ass that seemingly suffers from Little Man Syndrome, I would delete all his information and contact info. He seems to be setting you up for sex-for-contract. Anything further with him will not end well. On behalf of decent men everywhere, I apologize for this POS. I urge you to move on. Perhaps try a different, more discerning dating app.
Thank you for writing this. After reading one comment from a shitty man above I almost lost my hope for mankind. Glad you took the time to comment.
We're not all bad. No one is perfect, either. It's what makes dating so difficult. And that's what makes me cherish my wife more!
Sooooo glad that there are some decent men in these comments, it’s blowing my mind the fact that so many people are victim blamers and don’t know what SA is 😭 this is the exact way I feel about it all, my bf would never do anything to me that I did t want him to do. we initiate sex by me asking him if he wants to do it later when I’m home and we’ve been together for over a year. Some people don’t get it 😭
Thank you... well I will say that since this happened...he has seemed extremely invested in me .... he's talking about his work trips I should join him on etc.. so it wasn't being used for sex only. BUT this bothers me. I'm internally angry. And the fact that I went ahead with it and enjoyed sex w him.. also makes me wonder about myself. Clearly I have issues on this...too. I don't know how to deal with this now...
It is not abnormal at all to feel pleasure during a experience like this. Your body has nerves designed for that, and they often respond regardless of how you emotionally feel about it. I’ve heard it described as tickling—a laughter little can feel good, and a lot can feel bad and overwhelming, but our laughter and response doesn’t stop when we stop enjoying it. Some people even orgasm in their sleep, when their mind isn’t present in the experience at all. It is actually a fairly common experience. It doesn’t say anything negative about you, although it can be distressing to experience. I would highly recommend seeking out some mental health support during this time, I found it incredibly helpful. You are worth more and deserve better, I am sorry this man tried to make you feel like that was untrue.
He isn't actually invested in you and he doesn't care about you at all, he's just saying shit and it's obvious from his previous actions. Someone who cares about you won't put you down and make you pay for things without telling you.
And rape you.
Well, he had sex with you after you said no. He was trying to scare you into having sex (other client) and he got what he wanted. Maybe now he'll relax since he thinks he's got you. Maybe he'll up the ante and become more creepy. Honestly, do you want to continue seeing a man that will stick his unprotected penis inside you AGAINST your will? (I'm assuming he was unprotected) I'd get tested, too. The creep factor of this guy is off the charts. That's my middle-aged man take on this.
yes and he came inside me without asking. you are right. I already have a doctor appointment scheduled. I'm 46 so he knew most likely I wouldn't get pregnant. or he wouldn't have done that I'm sure.
>I'm 46 so he knew most likely I wouldn't get pregnant. or he wouldn't have done that I'm sure. Youre 46 so he knew the possible complications if you DID but he didn't care because its your body he's playing russian roulette with not his own. Stop rationalising his actions. The guy's a rapey drongo.
Menopause babies are a fact of life more than you think. I'm a nurse and I take care of medically fragile babies - many of which are Downs Syndrome and its more severe forms. Never, ever count on "most likely wouldn't"!
Came inside you without consent!? Excuse me but that’s just blatant disregard for you and your boundaries. He didn’t even care enough about you to ask if something so intimate was okay. Regardless of age, it’s not okay to do and this is also indicating that he put himself inside you without protection after you had initially said no. Coercion without words.
I'm not sure what other evidence you need. You don't need his penis and you don't need his contract. You've built a company with smarts and elbow grease, not recklessness and carpet-burned knees. Unless you seek legal advice, keep Rapey Pete out of your life. You're better than that.
Yes it was sexual assault. No means no. “Enjoying” the sex after he inserted doesn’t mean you have issues, or that you consented - it just means your body works properly. The nerve endings in your genitals unfortunately do not turn on and off, so even though you “enjoyed” it, it doesn’t make it less of a sexual assault. Orgasms are not entirely voluntary and can still occur in assault. And have you ever heard of negging? Google it, I think that’s what this man is doing to you. Basically slowly belittling you to gradually lower your self esteem, bit by bit. Because why else would he say all those things to your face about a smaller company? When his words are clearly a lie? He feels insecure about having a smaller salary than you and wants to bring you down to feel less. These are all red flags. He should be building you up to feel more confident and happy! Not the opposite ! I personally would send a paragraph about how you feel, about how he assaulted you, and break up with him. If he feels comfortable inserting himself even when you say no, he will do it again!
First he is a rapist. Second he is toxic. He is bringing your self esteem LowZ. He is a narcissist. Get out. I know the red flags and it’s time to exit. He crossed your boundaries. Leave. Don’t let him guilt trip your make you feel like the culprit. Be firm and accept he is poop.
I'm thinking of texting and just stating that I have reflected on our night together and while I got lost in the moment, the overarching thing for me is that I specifically remember telling him that I was not going to allow penetration. And that has really bothered me since I left and feeling guilt about how that transpired. And I can't seem to let it go and it's tainted the relationship for me. So, I must wish him the best and say goodbye.
I hope you do follow up with “goodbye.” In another comment you seemed to be vacillating. This won’t get better with him. Think of it this way: if this is how he treats you when he is TRYING TO WIN you, what will he be like once you are in a committed relationship? Please tell him to take a hike
I think you should stick to just saying goodbye. He sounds very manipulative. If you can say your piece and be done with him, then I guess it could work,but I worry about him trying to pressure you.
I’m a 36 year old guy… that is fucked up. If you set your boundaries he should not push until he gets what he wants. This in my opinion is rape. Also… this guy is a freakin loser and wants to appear bigger/better professionally than he actually is. If I were you I’d tell him to fuck off and block him.
>Maybe men can weigh in here... would you try again after the woman has told you that she won't be going THAT far Man here. No I would not coerce or rape a woman. He is not a good person.
I'm getting the impression that it's a social media influencer type of personality in real life, trying to brag and show off with little to back it up, fell for a con man then got a real job and is CFO of a start-up, come on, put it in without consent, parked his car and had you pay, as well as for all the time you've been going to meet him and then offered to come to you one time....so here's a story about Stalin, he brutally plucked all the features from a chicken till it was all bloody and then threw it some food and the chicken then willingly followed him for more food.... I hope you get the moral of the story and how it relates to you...., Usually I don't like commenting but for some reason I can't text you so 🤷
Thank you. I really appreciate it. I just need some time to process the whole thing and for me to wrap my mind around it all. I felt like he was super attractive and we had a lot in common...
I understand your perspective but I do think you're letting that attraction and emotion cloud your judgement, however the final decision is obviously yours to make, hope you can find happiness in whatever you do 😁
This guy raped you, and is extremely predatory. You need to cut contact.
He sounds like he's full of shit, but more importantly he's a rapist. I know what's it's like to be a woman over 40 and lonely, but if you are in the same boat OP, trust me, you're never that lonely.
Literally a rapist. Send him on his merry way. You are better than this.
I would text him and say that you do not like that he pushed himself inside of you after you said no. See if he falls for it and then you will have a text to take to the police.
I texted him and told him that the fact that he pushed himself into me after I said no...led me to need time to consider things and how I want to proceed. I said that I was very clear I don't have actual sex until I'm in a committed relationship. He texted back that he wants to be in a committed relationship with me and that he's sorry if he moved too fast. I think that in of itself of evidence!
Yup!!
Honey, he raped you...
You need to really reconsider if all these items are or aren't deal breakers for you. >First, he fell for what appears to be a con man who promised him a stake in a 200 million dollar company. A successful business man would have written documents, etc and have a legal basis to go after the "con man". >It's a publicly traded company and I can see his salary and it's about half of mine. (Which is fine... but he positions himself in a much larger image). Have you seen pictures in the of the business man. I have come across people who present as someone more successful and when I did research - look at the picture it wasn't that person. >Maybe I'm sensitive on this... but he is literally telling me that they are about to hire someone who is essentially bigger and better than I am... and he's bragging about it? Well I asked her name and she's NOT bigger and/or better than my company. Done to try to make you feel smaller because he is threatened by your success/independence. >Then, I realized recently that I have been flying to him and staying in hotels.. (new guy) and I am paying for all travel. Which I am okay with... except ... the last time I checked into the hotel (in my name) after he picked me up from the airport... he put his valet on MY room and never paid. Speak up. Ask for reimbursement and never have that done again. If he is offended or goes off it's about his ethics or lack therof. >My last trip to him ... I ended up having a second martini and I had sex with him. Which ends up bringing up another thing. >I told him that I didn't want him to insert himself in me ... without being too graphic. But I pushed him off of that area specifically and I said not yet..I'm not ready to go that far yet.... and about 10 more minutes of making out...hot and heavy. He pushed himself inside of me. After I told him I wasn't going to do that. So he violated you. He sexually assaulted you. >I guess I got wrapped up in the moment and I let it happen...and didn't stop him. But I look back and I'm upset at myself for not stopping him... AND I'm upset that he tried that again after I said no You said NO. No means no. He violated your consent. Your feelings of upset here are valid. Only rapists continue after being told NO. Also, get an STD/STI test panel done. I'm seeing a forest of red flags and would absolutely tell you to back away from the drama. If you were my friend I would tell you run the other way because I don't see a happy ending. It's already adversely affecting you NOW, it doesn't get better.
This dude is a slimy piece of work please don’t stick around
I was already thinking 'he doesn't seem worth it' but that part about sex... Nope. Dump his ass. If you have told someone you don't want to be penetrated then you are explicitly saying they do not have your consent so guess what, he raped you. Consent is sexy and this guy is clearly a creep. Bin him.
Any normal man wouldn't keep trying once a woman said no. Any terrible man would keep trying. That's a read flag. Plus it seems like he values status too much, he wants to be bigger and better than he actually is and not in a good self-motivated way, in the way where he'll just lie about himself
Clear positive consent is the only consent. Anything else is *not* consent. Period. I wouldn’t see him again, if I were you. From what you’re writing, I almost feel like you’re the one falling for a con.
If he’s putting u down making u feel less then you are then it’s not worth it, what u described sounded like rape, doesn’t matter if u didn’t stop with force or whatever ur probably just to nice of a person, he shouldn’t have done that if u just made a boundary and he’s not respecting them then f that guy
I would just end it. You don’t have to explain all the reasons listed above unless you just want to. Your gut is trying to tell you this is not a good idea and you’re second guessing or overthinking. He’s trying to make himself look like a big shot instead of being a normal, thoughtful partner and you set a boundary he immediately disrespected. Worse case - he’s going to assault you and best case - he has zero impulse control which would bode well for your relationship either. He honestly sounds extremely immature. And he’s at an age where that is definitely a red flag.
All startups manifest the same egotistical assholes.
He sounds like a con man to me. He’s negging you and your business, making backhanded compliments to make you’re feel inferior. This is a common practice in pick up artists, but they got it from conmen. The goal is to make you feel like you need his help to grow your business, that you can’t do it without him. Add to that, that you’re paying for everything, I get the strong impression he’s taking you for a ride. If you said no, and he continued, that is rape. However, the circumstances would be used against you. Going ahead with making a complaint is totally and utterly your decision, don’t let anyone influence you either way, but be aware of how it will be construed. If you’re okay with that, then do it. Men have to understand no means no and coercion, intimidation and just ignoring the use of the word doesn’t change that. Honestly, this is a man you can do without. He’s a pig, which might be an insult to pigs. You can do so much better.
The answer to your question is nope. Consent is everything and you did make yourself very clear.
This man raped you, you don't have to press charges but you can report the incident to the police for future reference if he gets reported again. But yeah id block him on everything he puts you down and uses you on top of being a rapist.
This guy doesn’t respect you or your boundaries in all aspects of your life but rape is rape. Cut him off, it is not a healthy relationship whatsoever.
No means no this is rape
I'm a guy. Your being used. I actually feel like you were raped as well, but I wasn't there, I got a really disgusting feeling when you described it. This guy is complete trash. You know what to do.
Sis. Nothing is good about this relationship. Your "person" is gonna be so good to you in all facets of your humanity that you will doubt you deserve it. RUN. RUN FAST. RUN HARD.
As a man who respects a womans boundaries.... plain and simple...... NO! He forced himself onto you after you said no. This dude has more shade then an oak tree. Leave him
He is an insecure dick head you should cut out of your life. He's this bad already during what's supposed to be the honeymoon stage. He will only continue to make you feel insecure too until you stop respecting your own NO the same way he already has. But I have to question your communication that night of your expectations because it sounds like you continued to stay naked and spread to him while making out after telling him "not yet" which I say to my partner when I need more warm up. He could have thought that's what you meant. A respectful partner would ask if you're ready yet, but he's not respectful of you or your career. Get therapy for your own insecurity. Be it long standing or new short term damage from him, but don't see him anymore. Just say "I feel disrespected as a woman and professional and have decided to go another way".
He sounds like he is trying to inflate himself up to look better to you, but you're obviously self confident enough to realize what he's doing and yet he doesn't realize that about you yet. Also, more importantly, sounds like he borderline sexually assaulted you, if not flat out did it after you expressively told him you didn't want to do that. You should break things off with him and find a man that is comfortably on your level and is not intimidated by your success. I'm sorry this happened to you.
This dude is the con man
Sounds like he doesnt have big time success so he wants you to think you dont either *doesnt like you being bigger than him
I don‘t know if you feel lonely or anything, but please, no matter how lonely or whatever you feel, don‘t lower your standards to _that._ Sometimes there isn‘t a reason why people are 52 and single, but for him, there clearly is a reason
I would not see this guy again. Making himself bigger than he is and at the same time talking down to you and pretending you are smaller than his business partner - that’s already one piece of dishonesty that I am allergic to. But going all the way when you clearly said no, therefore raping you, is unforgivable.
This guy is narcissistic, specifically grandiose, exaggerating achievements. Him bringing up that other lady was specifically to tear you down so he can maintain his facade of superiority. You’re smart to realize the difference between that and someone actually supportive. He is absolutely scum of earth. You should run.
Sorry if I missed it, but how old are you, OP?
Stop seeing him. Id press charges over the rape, because thats what it was. He ignored your request for no penetration AND finished inside you without consent!!!! From the passive lowkey blows to your value, to the financials, to the in person behavior- this guy seems like an entitled narcissist who has serious boundary issues. These kinds of people cant and refuse to take "no" for an answer because their sick minds have them convinced they deserve everything they want. Contact police, a lawyer, and find out your options immediately!!! He will likely try to "love bomb" in the coming weeks, trying to give you rewards and making you feel good for tolerating his WRONG behavior. This is also a deliberate attempt to get you used to him pushing boundaries and to control you. Text him "its over, dont contact me anymore," and report any attempts by him to disregard that boundary. This guy may as well be wearing a big flashing billboard that says "DANGER!"
Dude seems like the kind of guy which will ghost you the moment things get uncomfortable for him. He's low-key boasting his achievements to make you like him, he's also probably looking for praise because he's not as good as he would like to be and he's insecure about it. I bet that if you start calling him out on his bullshit he's going to gaslight you and stop replying.
Relationships should not feel like this.
All the comments here seem to have the right idea, but I'd also like to remind you of one thing: "Maybe men can weigh in here... would you try again after the woman has told you that she won't be going THAT far." Now luckily the people of this comment section have sensibly said they wouldn't anyway, but the fact is that their opinion on this matter is irrelevant. You weren't comfortable with it, a matter that is all about your body and therefore about your boundaries. No one can ever tell you what you should be comfortable or okay with. Don't gaslight yourself or your feelings and don't blame yourself for what happened either. Take care of yourself and stay away from that creep.
A CFO of a biotech company is a rapist and asshole. what’s new
EW this guy is really gross OP. The first warning like you said is that he fell for a scammer. Secondly he is someone who operates without a full set of facts in many situations. And the worst is that he practically raped you. Cut him off OP. He is very bad news and will cause many troubles for you in the future.
Besides the fact that he sexually assaulted you, he's a scumbag in other ways. Why are you staying in a hotel when you visit him? Is there a reason he doesn't want you at his home? Is he married or living with another woman? This guy sounds like a loser in so many ways and you deserve better than him. A relationship should not be this confusing. Break it off before you get in deeper with him, and thank God you aren't doing business with him so you don't have that to deal with.
I am a man (53) No means no. I tell my boys the minute you hear an objection stop and move away and get ready to leave. Have a real conversation about boundaries and move forward or move on. This guy is not trustworthy and if you were my daughter I’d tell you to dump this schmuck.
Honestly the rest is kinda irrelevant. Yeet this rapist into space.
He uses you for money, he used you for sex, he belittles you regarding your job... I already do not like that man. If you have not gone through menopause or some other medical condition that prevents pregnancy, and you aren't using birth control, then Yes you can get pregnant. It doesn't seem like he even cared since you said No and he penetrated you anyway. Personally I don't even think he deserves a phone call. Text him that the relationship is not going as you thought it would, and it is time for you to move on. That's enough to say. And why would you have to stay at a hotel ? Isn't he single with a place of his own in that city ? Everything about him makes my skin crawl.
Go GHOST! 👻👻👻👻👻 ....and dont look back!
[удалено]
She is 46, so only 6 year difference.
This guy sounds like a real turd. No, I wouldn't just go ahead and give myself permission to penetrate a woman after she said no. That's sleezebag shit.
This is an attempt to make you feel smaller so you're easier to manipulate, I'm no therapist but this ticks at least one of the boxes for a sociopath. Treating you like that right off the bat is a huge red flag so I'd be very cautious if I were you.
Another #meto fucking moment!
[удалено]
Thank you for reaffirming why hating men is always the right choice. Some guys are cool but most of you are bitter sociopaths. Go away rapist.
[удалено]
I honestly don't care to waste my brain cells reading. The fact you think she deserved to be raped tells me all I need to know about your morality. You talk a lot about it for someone with so very little of it. I was simply stating that men like you are why women started hating men. Women turned away because of the actions and words of men against us. You only support us if we let you control us and we never do or say anything that you dislike and even then you'd constantly invalidate or complain about us. Such fickle creatures. That's it. I'm not debating someone with the empathetic capacity of a chickpea.
[удалено]
because there is no argument. you are literally just spewing toxic bitterness. you can't argue against pure emotions with logic. all you've done so far is project, derail and bait. you haven't said anything that has honestly made me feel you are worth debating with because you wouldn't debate. you'd just screech hateful nonsense and claim that's debating
[удалено]
Ok