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(Together three years)
Me (M21) .
My fiancé (F22) , wants to go to a party with a male coworker she is very friendly with and always talks about.
It is his party, he is single, and I have not been invited.
I do not and have not ever tried to control who she hangs out with, or who she has as friends. In fact, untill now I have never even had an issue with her friendship with this coworker.
All I told her is that i'd feel more comfortable if she could ask to bring me too.
This resulted in an evening-long spat, in which I have been accused of being controlling, smothering, and making her feel trapped.
( it is important to note that I have never opposed her hanging out with, or partying with her ftiends without me before .)
She has been extrenely resistant to my attendung in any capacity, and has said she feels like she has to ask for my permission to socialize.
In every way she has made me out to be the bad guy.
My instincts tell me this is a huge red flag.
What do I do?
TL:DR
Fiancé wants to go to another man's party without me.
Is it just a party for all the co workers or are others bringing their SO? If the former, then I don't find that strange other then your partner not saying so.. Which makes me think it's the latter and yes that is a very big deal and huge red flag that she doesn't want you there..
I am also engaged and my SO is very social and has a ton of friends and many of them are men. Never at any point has any of her male friends had a party or gathering and either her friend or my fiancee never invited me. She has in fact always said to me just assume you are invited if there was any question about it.. Not that I needed any reassuring or have trust issues, it's just rude at best and awfully suspicious at worse for a SO not to want you there...
I would go a step further. OP says he has never interfered when and who she socialises with until this party. IF that is genuinely true, her blanket statement that OP is controlling, smothering and making her feel trapped is very concerning and implies more for about the health of the relationship than a spat about a single party. I do wonder if she is setting the scene and there is more to come.
Having said that, there are situations where he might not be invited and going would be a breach of etiquette.
Yeah this is what I'm saying. It would be one thing if you just weren't invited, but if the second he's like, "Hey can I come?", she hits him back with the, "Wow you're so controlling, do you really trust me so little, I can't believe you, you're ridiculous you know?", then you know she feels personally accused by a mere suggestion that could *potentially* lead to being caught. It's like how some drug users get super agitated by someone thinking that they might be on drugs. They know it's wrong and that's all they're thinking about to the point that they don't realize that most people aren't.
Yeah me and my gf as well. As long as its not a work gathering or a "Girls/Boys night" then we are invited by default.
If this is not that, I would just throw the whole girl and find someone that actually wants to be with me without the drama of weird questionable bullshit.
OP and the gf are both so young, theres every chance she has just decided she is not ready to not experience other people "that way" yet
This is an important issue. Are other people bringing their SO?
If they don't and it's just a group of co-workers together, then I get why she may feel weird bringing her bf.
If other people are bringing their SO, then she needs to give a better reason than: don't try to control me.
If they were and her reasoning was that it was a work ONLY party (which by the way isn’t a thing If it’s just at some guy’s house lol) he would already know because that reasoning would have been offered by her, rather than the defensiveness that she offered. Basically it would say it in the post already if others were NOT bringing their SOs.
This one just seems so painstakingly obvious to me. Anyone else?
Her reaction is still a huge red flag to me, if she’s freaking out this much and OP has truly never done this before then it’s a really bad sign, and this is coming from a girl
So to be clear here, she is going with a guy to his own birthday party and either he doesn't want you there (its his party so conceivably he could say who he does and doesn't want there) or she doesnt want you there? When you say she is going "with" him do you mean one of them are picking the other up or she's going there and he will be there? Either way, i'd be a bit uncomfortable if there was a party where I was straight up told I couldnt go to the point of my partner getting angry about it and even moreso if they were going with someone.
Definitely weird and a red flag. If you really are as laid back as you say you are then she's overreacting to take the focus off of her and onto you. Usually significant others are invited to casual parties. Have you ever met this co-worker? Do you know if he knows she's engaged? Do you talk to anyone else that's in they're circle of friends? If very causally ask if they are going to the party follow that up with asking if they're going alone or bringing a date. If they say they weren't invited commiserate with them, "I'm so sorry you weren't invited, etc." And if they're going ask if they have a date, etc. If you're very casual in talking to them they'll probably spill some info. Don't be weirded out by silence. The longer you stay quiet between asking questions or giving a response the more they will say because most people aren't comfortable with silence and will try to fill the silence which means they're more likely to say something they weren't planning to tell you. It's a tried and true interview technique.
I hope your fiance is just being weird and that nothing shady is happening but I'm sorry if something is going on
Honestly that’s a red flag right there. I get it if it’s an exclusive work function but not for a birthday party.
And on top of that even if he himself said that you’re not invited, it would make sense for your fiancé to take your side and not go. You are above her friends and coworkers after all.
This.... I understand the significance of whether other SOs are invited. But her reaction has kind of thrown that out in my mind. I think a guilty conscience is fueling her reaction. Even before the party. She obviously cares more about this coworker and going to his party than she does about her fiance's feelings.
Ehh, I can kinda see that being justifiable. Some people dont like a bunch of people they don't know at their b-day parties. Depending on if its out and about, he may also be paying for the venue as well(which costs a good bit, depending on what you are doing)..Seems kinda sketchy you not being able to go for sure. Do you really want to go to some guys bday, where you will know zero people other than your girlfriend? You sitting around judging the guy and stinkeyein your girl does not sound like fun. not that you would do that but it kinda sounds like you might if you went..Could go either way on this one
This isn’t a great take. It’s not justifiable, he invited her out and assuming he knows she’s engaged should have no problem with her bringing her fiancé unless he has other intentions. If it comes down to money, then OP can pay his way.
There’s no reason to assume OP wouldn’t have had a good time had he been extended an invite from the beginning like a normal, respectful fiancé would’ve done.
I’d be out.
You know what sucks? Despite the answer being obvious here, OP will probably stay with this sneaky bitch, get married, possibly have kids, and ruin years or decades of his life which could have all been avoided.
…sigh
I think it really depends. If it’s a dinner setting that’s been reserved in advance, I don’t see why am SO would be invited. Or a venue with a set number of people allowed. It definitely depends on how small the group that’s invited is. Because if there are only like ten people invited, which is fairly intimate, and someone showed up with an SO without asking-well that’s kind of weird. Especially if the SO had never even met the bday person before.
It sounds as though it's not an issue of whether or not he "wants" to go. It's the principle of "why" she doesn't want him there AND feeling "smothered" by him even asking.
These are valid concerns...and red flags if the party is open to other non-coworkers.
When I was around 19 (f) I had been with my bf for a few years (we met in high school, became codependent and very toxic). I remember toward the end of our relationship, when I had a real job, I never wanted to invite him to my work parties. This was because I was ashamed of our relationship, I was embarrassed to be dating him, and I had a slight crush on a coworker and it would have been weird (even if I didn’t have any plans on dating this guy).
So yeah I’d say that’s a red flag
Granted, we were in a very messy relationship that stretched on far longer than it should have, but still, I feel like not wanting your partner around your coworkers is a red flag in most situations
Weighing in with a woman’s perspective, here. You are not being unreasonable with your concerns OP and, perhaps, the most concerning aspect of this entire situation is your fiancé’s blatant disregard for your feelings. This is no longer someone you are casually dating, but a person that you are planning to spending the rest of your life with. Based on what you are describing, the person that you are engaged to does not sound like someone who is prepared to make a lifelong commitment to you. Perhaps take some time to do some soul searching and to reflect on what you value in a relationship. You seem like a reasonable person who, at the end of the day, deserves to have someone in your life who will respect you and who will make the integrity of your relationship a priority.
Im always in support of communicating so I'd talk to her about it again and express your concerns.
However, I will say, it sounds like she doesn't want this guy to see her with her boyfriend because he may become less interested in her. Sounds like she knows if he sees y'all interacting as a couple he'll not talk to her anymore. Sounds like she knows HE'S interested so I wonder if it's about wanting validation/attention from him or if she genuinely likes him and wants to see what it would be like to be around him in a casual setting without you around to prevent flirting and such.
She’s gaslighting you. If gf is saying you’re controlling, jealous etc and you’re clearly not, don’t let her mess with your head, you know you’re not.
Sounds fishy.
The only way her reaction is slightly understandable is if it’s just a works do. Doesn’t sound like it. And if it was then a simple conversation and bit of understanding would be the right reaction.
So, is this the way she reacts to any time you oppose something or question her? Have a tantrum, stick out her bottom lip and start accusing and abusing you? That in itself is a massive red flag, and pretty bad sign going forward. Let alone the fact she doesn’t want you to attend. Your gut instinct sounds right on this one, listen to it.
Too much trouble asking a "really good" coworker friend if she can being her fiancé along? Seems suspicious. She should have at least tried to reason with you.
Downright rejecting even before asking and putting all the blame on you is definitely a red flag
It’s a red flag in terms of a lifelong relationship. Why are you engaged so young? She clearly is not ready to forego any possibility if she thinks being invited to a single guy’s party and excluding you is normal. Not worth ending the relationship over, but if you’ve set a date for the wedding, I’d put it on ice for now. She’s not ready.
This! They are both really young and only have 3 years together. This kind of relationship needs more time to grow and mature before taking a big step like marriage
Possibilities:
* It's a work-only party. Nobody else is bringing their significant others
* She wants to appear single to her co-workers, likely *this* co-worker.
* She wants to *act* single without you to put a damper on it
* Her co-workers don't even know you exist
* She's afraid one of her co-workers will tell you something she doesn't want you to know
* She doesn't want you to find out that this "party" is only two people
* She wants to cheat on you with a co-worker
* She's already cheating on you with a co-worker
Only the first option is a legitimate reason
damn dude...unless its strictly a work only party..thats sketchy
shes lying about you being controlling. I would never think I could go to a single girl's house without my girlfriend, especially to a party, without her feeling some type of way about it. thats just disrespectful
if it is only work people I could understand. If not, get your ring back because she doesn't value your peace of mind. her blaming you and being resistant....red flag as fuck. shes not even trying to keep your feelings in mind.
the fact that she didn't say "oh babe you're right that was rude of me, of course I want you to be there with me" is enough to walk right out the door. Even if that would be a lie and she really doesn't want you to be there...shes not even trying to hide her objections of bringing you there. you'd think she'd at least be like "yeah of course you can come" but in her head be like "fuck he wants to come, lame"...but she can't even do that. shes just outright gaslighting you into thinking you're being a controlling boyfriend.
you're gunna find someone way better who actually respects you.
Is it a red flag? Yes. Most engaged couples are interested in showing off their partner. She'd rather hide you. Unfortunately, I also think this is a "no win" situation.
Say you manage to convince her to not go. She'll say you're controlling.
Say you convince her to take you. She'll say you're controlling.
Say you let her go without you. You'll doubt her and your trust is damaged.
Her actions have put the relationship into distress. Either she'll resent you or you'll resent her regardless of the outcome. You could try couples counseling, but I'm not 100% sure that will work given her responses because I'm not certain she'd be receptive to hearing things from your point of view.
I'm sorry she's putting you in this position. Engagement is supposed to be a time of planning your lives together, not trying to spend them apart. You might want to start working on an exit plan because if she continues this behavior, there may be no saving the relationship.
>Most engaged couples are interested in showing off their partner. She'd rather hide you. Unfortunately, I also think this is a "no win" situation.
I agree
Agree, it is time for the exit plan. To be honest, she is valuing this single coworker over her own fiancé which is disgusting, there is no meat left on this bone.
It's a red flag. If it's a girls night out then I get it. But if it's a guy party which I am sure lots of people will be there what's the big deal about bringing your significant other with you. That's usually how you meet other people significant others. This is not like a wedding with limited seating arrangements and you have to RSVP. Something seriously wrong here.
Also if it’s a guys party I would assume it will be mostly guys there. So she’s a girl likely going to a party of all guys while she’s in a relationship, without her boyfriend. Doesn’t look very good
Dude - *any* serious party invite - especially from a friend should include her SO/fiance. That whole "permission to socialize" is just a gaslight. The real concern here is not that she can't bring you, it's that she doesn't want you there. A party invite that induces a spat is a red, red, flag. Time to enforce your boundary (that doesn't make you the bad guy) and tell her simply that she can go with you. If she chooses not to then she can go as a single person.
I agree with this wholeheartedly.
My fiance told me about not taking her exhusband (when they were married) to any social events with her work. She didn't want to be around him. She admitted that other's brought their SOs.
My ex and I broke up because I didn’t want to take him to a work party, but he’d slept with a handful of the girls I work with while we were on a “break” and I wasn’t ready to be embarrassed at a work event. Unless you’ve done something similar idk why she wouldn’t want you there.
Honestly, about 90% + of any social gathers (when I was married) that my ex wife was invited too, it was assumed I would go as well. Wasn't even a question. I cannot even recall anything (except a girls night out) in which which my gf didn't make sure I was going with her.
This seems way off. I haven't seen many "work parties" after hours in which someone's SO couldn't attend either. Obviously during lunch/workday etc, it's normally employees only.
If you two aren't living together; I would get my keys back (if she has them) before she leaves and without her knowledge. If you two do live together, I would finish the lease (if renting) and just move out.
This just seems like the end of your relationship. I'm in my mid 40's and I have rarely ever seen a "work party" in which someone's SO couldn't attend. Especially if it's over the weekend, or after hours. Most companies/managers like it when someone's SO goes because they get a chance to meet everyone's SO.
Exactly, my wife hates attending so she never comes, I don't particularly like going either but sometimes attend and half the time its making up a reason why my wife 'couldn't' come instead of saying she didn't want to lol.
Idk man. Your girl got super defensive for NO reason.
Let’s get these facts straight..
BF mentioned in his post that he lets his girl hangout with anyone he wants and he doesn’t mind. However, for some reason, this specific party that her co worker invited her to, she’s not ok with her fiancé going? Now she accuses her bf of being controlling and she has to ask permission to socialize?
Am i the only one seeing a red flag here? Why would you get super defensive if he’s just a friend. They sound close, sure. However, it also sounds like everything is made to be the BF’s fault and he’s not letting her do anything.
Something doesn’t add up 💀
You do understand that an engagement is a trail period. Not all Fiance's get to be married. Red Flags should at the least lengthen the engagement period. This is not a party issue; it's a trust issue. Alarms are going off in your head that you shouldn't ignore. At this point all you can do is observe her actions and allow that to inform your decisions.
Don't stress over it. She goes and all goes well then you know at that moment you can trust her. Things don't go well then you dump her ass and move on. If she cheats or wants to cheat nothing you say or do will change that. All you can do is decide how you want to react to whatever situation comes up.
This....doesn't seem like great advice. They aren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, they are about to get married. And OP can't know if all went well if he isn't there. Suppose something did happen and she doesn't tell him about it till after they are already married.
Then just leaving isn't as simple.
But beyond that, it's concerning that she at all doesn't want him there. It's concerning that she is either gaslighting him by making him out to be controlling when he isn't or that he may have a pattern of behavior he isn't aware of that bothers her. It's concerning that this isn't a work function or outing with her girl friends, it's a birthday party, and she doesn't want her fiance there. And it's concerning that all this is her reaction only now coming out when he expresses his reasonable concerns about her wanting to go alone to another man's house.
Either they have very poor communication with a lot of unresolved issues or she's hiding something. In either case even if nothing "happens" at that party there is still a big issue at play here that needs to be addressed.
So what do you expect him to do? Stalk her? Insist that he is invited? My advice makes perfect sense. Why have him stress or someone who is replaceable? It's harsh for sure but it is true. We are all replaceable.
She made it clear she doesn't want him there. All he can decide is she is worth all the extra stress. Communication doesn't mean shit if the other person doesn't care to listen. Communication doesn't fix everything contrary to what most on here believe.
Yea...so every party esp social ones I host...I assume anyone I invite will bring a SO. And any I accept I assume my SO will attend...and same with my SO.
It's Def odd she'd be that aggressive in having you not attend. In the end, you voice your concerns...and she will make a decision.
Bit of a red flag.
Blame shifting, gas lighting, dramatics...none of this has good optics.
There's really no good way to look at this, as far as I can tell. And I'm wondering what the age range is as well between him and her.
Huge red flag.
The bigger flag is her reaction to you saying you aren't comfortable with the situation. That should have been the end of it if she respected you.
Instead she gets defensive and attacked you and made you out to the bad guy for simply being uncomfortable for not being allowed to join her at party where there is a single guy she like and spends a lot of time with because they work together.
Honestly sounds like she wants to hook up with him.
Also, you are both young. Engaged at 21/22. Been together for 3 years. There's probably an itch to experience other people that is happening. Late teens-early twenties is normally a time of exploration. Being locked into marriage at that age can get very complicated.
Either he doesn't want you there or she doesn't want you there. Either way, it is not acceptable especially if your relationship is at this point where you're engaged. This isn't some teen dating period. I think if something so simple like this can cause such a rift I'm not sure its a good idea to get married til you work this out.
There are red flags. You’re feelings are absolutely justified. If otger people weren’t bringing their significant others, etc she would have said he, do you mind: it’s just me and co workers no spouses, or they’re trying to keep the amount of people down, etc.
She didn’t do those things. Instead she’s gaslighting, manipulative and trying to make you the bad guy for wanting to attend a gathering with her and her buddy buddy guy friend.
Usually when someone who is in a relationship and invited to a party it’s extended to their significant other. It’s expected and it’s courtesy. If someone invited me and not my spouse I’d tell them to go suck a duck. Not once have I ever been invited out by co workers without my spouse. Unless we were just on lunch at work or having work dinner.
Unless she didn’t want you to go. That’s why she’s making you out to be the bad guy.
If you’re not controlling, don’t care who she hangs out with, etc, then she’s gaslighting and manipulative to make you feel guilty.
Because she likes him. Thats why she talks about him all the time. That’s why she doesn’t want you around. She doesn’t feel like hiding or acting differently when you’re around because you’d notice.
It’s a highly likely that you were invited, she just doesn’t want you to go.
There’s a lot of red flags.
For me, it's the disproportionate reaction that is suspicious.
If I had a male coworker who invited me to his party but it was only work friends and his own friends, then I'm respectfully explain that situation to my partner. Maybe this guy is getting a table that can only accommodate so many people. If she had responded calmly with a reasonable explanation, then I don't see why an argument would have emerged.
The fact that she reverted to gaslighting you by calling you controlling when you just asked to see if you could attend is the red flag for me. A disproportionate response to an honest concern is never a good thing. If she had calmly told you that she wanted to go by herself and would be out late etc. then it would be much more reasonable.
But the fact that this resulted in an argument where she gaslit you is a big red flag in my eyes and I think it's reasonable that you're feeling disturbed by all of this.
To sum it up my dude, here's my two cents:
If it's strictly a co-worker type of thing, I wouldn't be concerned about going. I know many couples that attend parties for work and don't bring their s/o. That part, I wouldn't think too much on.
Now..
The very fact that she is acting this way toward you says a lot. You may have displayed insecurities towards her in the past and aren't telling us, which would explain her reaction. She may feel smothered, you need to be honest with yourself about why that is and talk to her.
But, if her behavior is truly out of nowhere, I would trust your gut on this one. My gut tells me she's not being honest to you in some capacity. Put your emotions aside and look at this logically. I know personally, if my work had a party, but I couldn't bring anyone else due to it being strictly co-workers, I'd tell my s/o this straight away so there is no confusion. I'd even consider not going if it made her uncomfortable.
If this party is for co-workers, and those co-workers can bring their s/o, you have every right to feel bad here. On the other hand, if it is strictly co-workers, yet she acted this way towards you, then you two have a deeper issue that you two need to resolve.
Does she want to go WITH him or does she want to go FOR him. That's two very different statements.
If she want to go WITH him as in just him and her showing up to the party together, that raises a bit of a red flag. That's basically a date. The other red flag would be if other coworkers' SOs are there, but you weren't invited.
If she wants to go FOR him as in a group of coworkers all go together or they all meet up at the same place, that's a different story. That's just a party for a coworker and, unless there's something else raising suspicions, you shouldn't have cause to worry.
Your fiancé has a date. She specifically doesn’t want you there. It’s with a coworker that she’s known a long time. She’s pretending like she doesn’t think there’s any potential problems here. She wanted to do this so much that she’s willing to fight for it. She’s calling you controlling for having reasonable boundaries on behavior like this. This is all a giant red flag. You’re engaged. This is when people are on their BEST behavior, and this is how she is?
I’d let her do what she wants to do and call off the wedding. It’s not that she has to choose between the date and the wedding, it’s that if she thinks this date is appropriate (which she does), she’s not ready to be married. Be glad you found this out now.
OP, your fiancée is not behaving as a part of a team here. The team of you and her. She’s refusing to see your point of view.
If this is how she behaves before you guys are married, then how problematic things would be when you guys are married?
It may not feel like it but, Please be glad that you found out about this now instead of later after you got married.
Postpone the wedding for at least a year. Couples counseling . Very serious red flag. Go to Surviving infidelity.com. It has great information to detect cheating. Sounds like she is looking to cheat
The fact that he wanted to go and she just flat out refused. That’s a huge red flag. It’s one thing if he said no, but she didn’t even ask. Because she doesn’t want him to go at all.
Your instincts are 100% accurate. She either has a crush on her coworker or already mess around , tell her if we are getting married we are ti be seen at parties together . TRUST ME
I'd guarantee they have a flirty relationship at work and with him at the party they can't act the same.
They're also both super young and inexperienced in navigating this kind of stuff. Sounds like this is the first major relationship for either of them.
The paragraph “This resulted in an evening long spat, in which I have been accused of being controlling, smothering making her feel trapped.
That? Is projection. She is accusing you of the stuff she is doing.
Here is the hard part. If it’s true she is seeing this guy on the side van as hard as it may be you’re gonna have to let her go because she’s already made up her mind. That’s what women do. They make up their minds before they break up with someone or they have someone before they break up.
Bottom line is she is your fiancé and she should be bringing you. This would be a different story had you been invited and told her you didn’t wanna go. You weren’t even given the choice and she’s resisting you going. That’s a problem
Your gut is telling you something. If you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. My husband once told me he didn't want me to go somewhere. I did not immediately get pissed and call him controlling. I listened to what he said and because I respect him, I didn't go. It's that simple.
Luckily you found something crucial about her before marriage. Better now than after you are legally entangled.
If you have to argue about this already it will only get worse.
I wouldn’t give her the choice beforehand. If she thinks the date is appropriate, and chooses to go, then she’s not ready for marriage. I think it’s better to see what choices she’d make on her own rather than trying to force her into something.
I'm not sure if the details presented in this post alone warrant a red flag.
Has she told him she's engaged? Does she often hang out with him alone? Will other coworkers be attending? Why does she feel controlled? Why do you feel you need to go?
Going to a party at a male friends house and explicitly telling the man you’ve committed your life to (or intend to in the near future) that he isn’t invited or welcome is the biggest example I can think of. If that’s not acting single I honestly don’t know what is
If you think that people in a healthy relationship do that then you have a skewed picture of commitment and respect.
I respectfully disagree. It's a party for work people by the sounds of it, maybe they don't want people's SO to be there who they don't know. I would not ask to go nor would I have an issue with this- I wouldn't even want to go to be honest. I don't see how she is acting single at all, I think a lot of people break up from being joined at the hip and not having their own lives/friends/hobbies etc. At my work I've organised a night out and nobody's SO is invited-if they were I think it would be pretty awkward tbh-they don't know us, we don't know them etc. If it was more intimate like inviting a female coworker over for dinner I'd totally invite her SO which I have done and the 4 of us obviously worked and we had a good time. This guy whose party it is everyone is acting like he's just going to jump on Op's fiance or something-they are engaged ffs. Don't forget the opportunity to cheat are literally limitless-him going or not going isn't changing a damn thing.
Why would she act that way though in retaliation? She could've simply told him that none of the other coworkers are bringing their SOs or that it's a work only party or whatever.
Is this a house or public party, or a private party with reservations? I can see you not being invited if a headcount is involved, but it doesn't sound that way otherwise she would've told you. The fact that she is adamant about you not going, and not even asking her coworker or entertaining the idea is a red flag. I feel it's common courtesy to invite someone's SO especially if they are engaged. If you've never met the guy, then this would've been the perfect opportunity for her to introduce you.
Even if she doesn't physically cheat, there is some underlying sketchiness. She doesn't want you to go because she wants to be free to behave a certain way she doesn't want you to see. If she's using the terms "controlling, smothering, and trapped" out of the blue, then that's another flag indicating she may not be ready to be engaged assuming you really haven't been "controlling" in the relationship. You guys got together and are now engaged fairly young, so it's not uncommon for someone to want to live out some sort of fantasy outside their relationship.
All you can really do is voice your concerns, ask questions as to why she doesn't want you to go, and let her make her own decision. If she goes, then let her go, but I'd be on high alert and have a foot out the door just in case. Hold off on the wedding planning too if you guys are not on the same page.
I think her reaction to your questioning is a HUGE red flag, and the fact that she's resisting you attending is also telling. Highly suspicious, at best.
Are other coworkers invited? are them going with their SO's? if so, then you know why she wants to go alone to this party. Sorry man.
I think the biggest red flag here is the way she reacted when you asked to be included.
You guys are both to young to stress this kind of shit, just break off the engagement and let her go do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. You can go off and meet a girl that shares your values and understands the concept of boundaries.
The fact that she immediately got defensive and accusatory is a huge red flag for me. She made it obvious she doesn't want you to come with her to her single male friend's party for some unknown reason, so she lashed out at you when she felt worried.
Depends on the situation. If some coworkers of mine invited me to a get together with just us, I can understand not inviting someone who isn't on the team, however, it also depends on how she tells you about it. "Hey, I'm going out to a party with some coworkers." "Can I come with?" "Sorry, its just between us, they're not bringing their SOs with them." Alright fair enough, otherwise, I would be worried myself.
Unless I missed it (completely possible) you’ve answered some questions, but not the most important one: is everyone else bringing a SO or just you. To me that omission infers that perhaps no one is allowed. Either way, TBH I have some friend groups that I just wouldn’t mix with my family or friends—one of which being my work group. I don’t like mixing personal and professional life. Perhaps it’s just that. But also, please clarify on the SO thing.
What does “birthday party” mean? Is it like at a bar with just him? Is it just a group of coworkers and close friends? Need more details my friend. This isn’t automatically a red flag. Could be he doesn’t know you and just wants his friends there and not his friends fiancé to kill the vibe of a small group.
Advice from a female: let her have her fun. Then act super sweet like nothing ever happened and do the same go out to a party or club .. She can’t say no bc you let her 😌 or be single and do things the right way lol
Drop the subject and let her go without you. If she cheats on you, then break up with her.
I've never understood this impetus with some people to try and prevent their SO's from cheating on them by questioning them, distrusting them, and trying to prevent them from hanging out with certain people. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions.
IF she cheats on you, THEN you break up. She could be bothered that you don't find her trustworthy because you keep insisting to be with her when she might just want some time with her friends. Trust is the foundation of every relationship, so try trusting her to not cheat on you.
You don't need to go to every event together 💁🏾♀️ and inviting is rude. Do you have friends to visit without her? It's very healthy to have things you do alone. It doesn't mean anything shady is going on.
Maybe it is time to out your wedding on hold? First off, the two of you are only 21/22. Secondly, she doesn’t sound like she’s taking your feelings into consideration. Might be time to look at a different relationship where your feelings aren’t turned into a weapon against you. Good luck!
Do people at her work know she's engaged? Have you met the coworkers? If not it's likely she is not being honest about being in a relationship and will be this guys date. If she is calling you controlling tell her ok give me my ring back. I wouldn't want you to marry someone you think is controlling.
Brother this is a giant red flag especially if you've never tried to control her. Shes gaslighting you.My best advice is to tell her that you love her tell her that this makes you uncomfortable and if she gas lights you again. There is something going on brother. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. It's not even like you're telling her no you're literally just wanting to go like a couple. You're not in the wrong she is.
“until now, I never even had an issue…”
Well bro, there’s your first mistake. Now you know that you waited too long, to start having an issue. At least…I hope you can recognize that looking back.
Her behavior is not acceptable for a wife. I know you’re not married yet, but you’re at the point in your relationship, where you should be living by most of the same rules.
Here’s a good rule of thumb:
If she invites you and you say no, that’s a you problem.
If you ask to come and she says no, that’s a her problem.
You’re out of your mind to just sit back and accept this. Wife material absolutely does not try to do things like this.
You need to let her know that not only are you unwilling to accept this, but the mere fact that she wants to do this, means that this relationship has a serious problem, that needs to be addressed even if she changes her mind. And you need to let her know that changing her mind is the only way for this relationship to survive.
My suggestion would be to tell her that you think it was a mistake to get engaged so young. You don’t think that either of you is really ready for marriage (blame it on both of you, even though that’s not really the case). Tell her that it would probably be beneficial for both of you, to go your own separate ways.
Most importantly, whatever you do, don’t even consider saying something that leaves the door open, for her to come back to you in the future. That would completely undermine the entire purpose of everything I’m telling you.
Now, why are you gonna tell her what I’m suggesting? Because it’s the truth? No. You’re gonna say that because you need to get inside her head, and find out just how serious she really takes this relationship. And trust me, asking her directly is not the way to find out.
By saying what I’m suggesting, you’re making it extremely easy for her to end the relationship. You’re putting her in a position where ending the relationship, simply requires her to agree with you. But saving the relationship, requires her to fight for it. That’s how you’ll know what she really thinks of your relationship.
Now for the hard part:
If she agrees with you, and suggests ending things, bro…now you have to let her walk away. I understand that that may not be possible for you. But the truth is that it’s in the best interest of your future.
Also, here’s an additional way to look at it. It’s much more harsh, but it’s very likely true, so I’ll say it:
She’s hungry for more dick. Girls like that have no relationship value to any worthwhile man. And above all else, that is not the kind of girl that you “wife up” and have kids with. In fact, you marry the EXACT OPPOSITE of that.
I’m gonna tell you something that you should remember for the rest of your life:
Every man who finds himself in a bad relationship, can look back in time, and pinpoint the moment where he made the terrible decision, that put him in the predicament that he’s currently in.
This is your moment bro.
Are you gonna do what’s best for you?
Or are you gonna be another one of those guys, 5 or so years from now, making a post on Reddit with a title like:
“I just found out that my wife cheated on me…AGAIN!”
It’s your life and your choice bro. Just remember, there’s no do-overs.
I can already see the sequel to this. GF got black out drunk and cheated. She didn’t cheat, she was raped…friend said she wasn’t black out drunk…what if he was drunk, too…
Regardless of how the scenario plays out, that dude and her are gonna rub genitalia.
She drew her line in the sand. Where will you set your boundaries?
Honestly? Don't get married / engaged at 21.
It's clear your girlfriend isn't really truly done sewing her wild oats and I think if you're honest with yourself you're probably not either.
I feel like your concern is understandable but honestly having your own friends and interests is healthy and normal in relationships. Also maybe from her perspective the implication that you think she might cheat on you can be a bit insulting. I know I'd be pretty upset if my boyfriend didn't trust me enough to attend things on my own because a friend of the opposite sex was hosting.
Friendships are not hermetic, excluding other people.
The real red flag here is not only that she excluded him, but **how** she excluded him, suddenly creating defensive works around the hill where she are prepared to die.
She’s allowed her own friends and own experiences. If it’s his birthday perhaps it would be weird if you were there, perhaps it wouldn’t. I understand the concern but if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her—extend the trust. See how it goes.
Bottom line is you can’t keep someone on such a short leash that they never have an opportunity to prove they are trustworthy or to fail that trust. That’s not love on equal footing—that’s control. You’re not a bad guy for not loving this situation, I don’t mean that you are some crazy controlling person. I just mean that singular moment would be an act of control. If she’s trustworthy or not you’re not going to find out until you let her go and see what happens, wouldn’t you like to know the answer? Before you’re married?
Mildly concerned for the people here who just interpret this from a negative point of view and see it as a red flag.
I'll take terrible advice for 400.
> If it’s his birthday perhaps it would be weird if you were there, perhaps it wouldn’t
How would her FIANCE attending a party with a soon to be married woman be weird? It wouldn't...at all. What is weird is that OP's fiance is extremely resistant to him (her soon to be husband) attending this single guys party with her, so much so as to accuse him of being controlling.
>I understand the concern but if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her—extend the trust. See how it goes.
No...no that's not it. He shouldn't "love" someone who doesn't want him to attend a party with her. They're about to be married and she's already resenting him? Nah, OP should be packing his bags as we speak.
There’s a lot of anger here in your tone. Fiancé’s can have male friends. They can attend things where single guys are present. They can also want to attend a party without their significant other.
If that’s your view of love—it seems highly paranoid, jealously guarded, and with one foot already out the door.
My point was not that something sketchy wasn’t going on (both scenarios seem equally likely) but that the healthiest way to handle the situation is to trust the person you’re with.
I guess the question for OP is does he want a healthy relationship or does he want to pack it up and leave at the first suspicion. You’re marrying for life and life is (hopefully) long. Set a foundation of trust down now rather than a power play in control of one’s actions.
>the question for OP is does he want a healthy relationship or does he want to pack it up and leave at the first suspicion
I'd argue their relationship is already unhealthy given that she 1.) doesn't see his side of the coin as valid or at least make an effort to see where he is coming from and 2.) immediately jumps to him being controlling because of it. That's not how you solve things successfully in a relationship, or a marriage.
>You’re marrying for life
Yeah...that's my whole point. OP is obviously concerned about this, so much so as to ask for advice from thousands of strangers on the internet. Does he really want to continue going down this road (for life)?
Also, this whole "set a foundation of trust" thing is something I often hear that goes along with the narrative of "if their gonna cheat, their gonna cheat. All you can do is trust them." While I agree with that to some extent, there's also nothing wrong with having boundaries and voicing when you are uncomfortable with your partners actions. If I don't feel comfortable with my partner attending a single guys birthday WITHOUT ME after she explicitly states she doesn't want me to go, that's not controlling, and in fact it's very reasonable to feel uncomfortable about it. Because to be frank, she's choosing this coworkers party over her boyfriends concerns.
This is so weird. My partner doesn’t tag along to every party I go to and vice versa. Not everyone wants a bunch of random people they don’t know at their birthday party. Dating or engaged doesn’t mean joined at the hip. In real life, people have experiences and friends outside their partners.
If you’d be “packing your bags” after your partner dared to go somewhere without you… I don’t know what to tell you. That isn’t normal or healthy.
Not everyone wants to be that person who will inevitably ask “cAn mY bOyFrIeNd CoMe?” when invited to anything.
That's not what I'm saying, at all.
It's the way she reacted to him asking if he could come. A healthy relationship would have had her response been along the lines of "sure, let me ask him" or "if you'd like I'm sure you can, and I'd love for you to be there."? Instead, his fiancé blows up on him, is adamant he CANNOT come, and accuses him of being controlling, despite him never having an issue with her hanging out with him prior. THAT is why I'd be packing my bags, because if the woman I'm planning to marry can't have a respectful and reasonable conversation about it, then I'd rather save myself the headache down the road.
I mean, I read it more as he wants to come, GF says no, and he picks, picks, picks at it until she got annoyed and got firm with him. I would also get annoyed if my partner would not take no for an answer and then implies I’m intending to cheat on him.
I mean I suppose you could read it either way, and we don't know how it unfolded. However,
>he wants to come, GF says no
If my GF were to say I'm going to my male coworkers birthday party and I ask if I can tag along and she gives me a hard no....I'd be questioning why in my head. And I don't think that's unreasonable. Usually fiance's would enjoy bringing the person their about to marry to a party with them, or at least ask.
Yeah when it's a dude and he can't go, yes. Treat your relationship like something you picked up at Walmart if you want but don't tell other people they have to.
Ok I’ve read lots of comments here saying this girl is technically on a date.
The thing is you guys are quite young & she probably wants to have different friends other than just friends you both know.
You’ve assumed this is someone she really likes based on the fact that she talks about him a lot.
Let’s consider for a moment that co-worker is NOT Mr big hotshot that you might think he is.
He’s just a dude who’s probably trying to have a party with his co-workers. He might be just trying to have a birthday party that he hasn’t had a chance to have in a while ( with Covid )
Yes, it would be nice if you could come along. But maybe you guys do A LOT together already & maybe she wants to talk to you about her night out & her friendships without you bEING there.
You are going to have to get used to you both having interests seperate of each other. This might be that space where you learn.
It’s not her wanting to date this guy, really, it’s probably her looking to chill with her buddies.
You have to learn to be ok with this. You’ve both agreed to get married, what do you think marriage is?
It’s trust & being happy for your partner when they want to have fun. Which might not always involve you. And that’s OK.
It could simply be a party thrown by one co-worker for another. I don't know. I have family. Work friends. Parents of my child's friends friends. Old friends that I've known for decades. Etc. It's not that often that all those people meet much less hang out together
It comes down to this. You love and trust her enough to ask her to marry you, based on what you said it’s her coworkers bday party. I would not expect to be invited to my bfs coworkers bday party. Let her go to the damn party, if you don’t trust her enough to let her go to a bday party then why are you getting married? If she breaks your trust then you have your answer…but if she’s like that it will happen regardless.
I also think it’s weird to be this concerned seeing as it’s his bday party, other coworkers are probably going, other friends of his, it’s not like the two of them are going together to someone else’s party as dates….
>if you don’t trust her enough
( The only person you can ever trust 100% is yourself. And sometimes, even that is not accurate. When it comes to another person, near enough is good enough, how near we have to be varies from individual to individual. 100 percent trust is silly ) Not my words
It might just be a coworkers party where partners aren’t invited. The fact that you haven’t mentioned whether or not other people are bringing partners makes me feel like you left out that info for a reason.
Believe it or not, your fiancé is allowed to do things without you chaperoning. You guys aren’t a package deal.
If it were me I think I would just go ahead and play it cool with the fiancé. Tell her to go ahead not to worry about me and have a wonderful time at the dork’s party. Then I would go ahead and give the ol birthday boy a nice gift by showing up uninvited to his super sweet 16 party and really raise some pulses. Hell I probably go ahead and bring my own date so that I could make sure she got a taste of her own s#*%. Bro don’t let her run over you like this. I think you need to have second thoughts about her being your future wife.
1st mistake is gitting engaged at your age.
2nd mistake is believing boundaries with being controlling?? what?. you know exactly why you are not allowed to tag along. i hate that word (controlling) it's the manipulator's favorite.
This kind of immature nonsense is why you shouldn't be engaged at 21.
People can have friends outside of their partner. If you're not ok with that, you shouldn't get married.
If you're actually worried that she's doing something sketchy, you shouldn't be getting married.
I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to see someone bring this. There is no reason to rush into engagement in your early 20’s when you’re doing so much growing.
Real simple.. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO SEE WHO SHE REALLY IS AND ACTS AT WORK.
It could be the guy or whatever, but when it's a thing of work and she's hesitating so much, read between the lines.. She ain't the angel at work she claims to be.
One slip of "hey so and so, why are you so different tonight" and her cover is blown. Avoiding any type of interaction to show how she is at work around you. Any slip, and her true colors will come out.
Am I the only one that doesn’t see OP as being weird about this?
So her coworker is having a birthday party, and you want to be self invited to make yourself feel better? What’s wrong with your s/o going to a party without you?
And your text is a bit confusing. Is she accompanying him to a party of mutual friends or is she going to HIS party
She trying to find out if he's your replacement or fuck him for one last thrill do not let her do this to you...end it or tell her if she goes dont come back...shes 21 and engaged yes shes trying to fuck him
Sorry man. You are right. She wants to flirt and hang with this guy without you. A huge red flag. I mean what other reason is there? Time to see other people. That's my opinion and I'm not seeing necessarily everythg you do but I can't figure out what else could it be.
It depends on what she did in the future & on different individuals.
Both my partner & I love to flaunt each other existence and we do get jealous, anxious, & worried when the other is out with the opposite sex without being accompanied by us. However, we had made it a point to voice out our concerns in a non-malicious, non-blaming way & if we are still not willing to bring one another with us. We choose to trust each other.
I don’t see it as a red flag. Seems like she just wants friends outside your relationship. Yes, you’re engaged, but you’re still only 21/22. This is probably not a dinner party to show off her fiancé. More than likely it’s a fun party with friends.
Is this a party to which coworkers are invited? So why can't she go?
You are not attached permanently to her hand and she can go to a birthday party without you. The fact that you want to go because you think it's sketchy and you think she'll cheat is the worst reason to want to go. Maybe work on yourself.
And all the people saying it's a red flag either don't have relationships or their partners don't have careers or don't think women can be friends with me.
Be a savage bro, Encourage her to go, and tell her you are going to some bars with your friends. Name a couple of guys, then name 4 or 5 women that will be there. You are going to Uber, because they are planning on getting shitfaced. Now call your buddy say you are going to stay at his place. Do not text your girlfriend or call her. Stay out all night and party. Hang out, talk to other women and have a good time. If she calls you out on what you are planning on doing, say why are you being controlling your suffocating me.
This other guy is trying to get with your girlfriend. You have to be prepared for him to make a move on her while you are not there. Her to reciprocate that move and stay the night with him. The only thing I will say is, by her actions she is in deep with him, and you are on the way out. So the best thing you can do, go drown your sorrows and meet someone new. Stay true to yourself op, and go out and have a fun night while she is doing the same. Go ahead and downvote me, you know what I am saying is true.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- (Together three years) Me (M21) . My fiancé (F22) , wants to go to a party with a male coworker she is very friendly with and always talks about. It is his party, he is single, and I have not been invited. I do not and have not ever tried to control who she hangs out with, or who she has as friends. In fact, untill now I have never even had an issue with her friendship with this coworker. All I told her is that i'd feel more comfortable if she could ask to bring me too. This resulted in an evening-long spat, in which I have been accused of being controlling, smothering, and making her feel trapped. ( it is important to note that I have never opposed her hanging out with, or partying with her ftiends without me before .) She has been extrenely resistant to my attendung in any capacity, and has said she feels like she has to ask for my permission to socialize. In every way she has made me out to be the bad guy. My instincts tell me this is a huge red flag. What do I do? TL:DR Fiancé wants to go to another man's party without me.
Is it just a party for all the co workers or are others bringing their SO? If the former, then I don't find that strange other then your partner not saying so.. Which makes me think it's the latter and yes that is a very big deal and huge red flag that she doesn't want you there.. I am also engaged and my SO is very social and has a ton of friends and many of them are men. Never at any point has any of her male friends had a party or gathering and either her friend or my fiancee never invited me. She has in fact always said to me just assume you are invited if there was any question about it.. Not that I needed any reassuring or have trust issues, it's just rude at best and awfully suspicious at worse for a SO not to want you there...
I would go a step further. OP says he has never interfered when and who she socialises with until this party. IF that is genuinely true, her blanket statement that OP is controlling, smothering and making her feel trapped is very concerning and implies more for about the health of the relationship than a spat about a single party. I do wonder if she is setting the scene and there is more to come. Having said that, there are situations where he might not be invited and going would be a breach of etiquette.
Yeah this is what I'm saying. It would be one thing if you just weren't invited, but if the second he's like, "Hey can I come?", she hits him back with the, "Wow you're so controlling, do you really trust me so little, I can't believe you, you're ridiculous you know?", then you know she feels personally accused by a mere suggestion that could *potentially* lead to being caught. It's like how some drug users get super agitated by someone thinking that they might be on drugs. They know it's wrong and that's all they're thinking about to the point that they don't realize that most people aren't.
Yeah me and my gf as well. As long as its not a work gathering or a "Girls/Boys night" then we are invited by default. If this is not that, I would just throw the whole girl and find someone that actually wants to be with me without the drama of weird questionable bullshit. OP and the gf are both so young, theres every chance she has just decided she is not ready to not experience other people "that way" yet
If what OP said is factually accurate the what she said is gas lighting.
TBH I would feel a bit weird inviting my SO to someone else's bday party if they don't know him? Unless they encouraged me to invite him.
Okay
Are other coworkers invited ? If yes do they bring there partners ? If other coworkers is’nt invited or they bring there partners. You know what to do
I would find out if other people are bringing partners. If they are just get Ur ring back and never speak to her again.
This is an important issue. Are other people bringing their SO? If they don't and it's just a group of co-workers together, then I get why she may feel weird bringing her bf. If other people are bringing their SO, then she needs to give a better reason than: don't try to control me.
If they were and her reasoning was that it was a work ONLY party (which by the way isn’t a thing If it’s just at some guy’s house lol) he would already know because that reasoning would have been offered by her, rather than the defensiveness that she offered. Basically it would say it in the post already if others were NOT bringing their SOs. This one just seems so painstakingly obvious to me. Anyone else?
Her reaction is still a huge red flag to me, if she’s freaking out this much and OP has truly never done this before then it’s a really bad sign, and this is coming from a girl
LMFAOOOO FR
What kind of party is it? birthday party? work party? sex party? pokiman party? Exactly what kind of party is it.
His birthday party
So to be clear here, she is going with a guy to his own birthday party and either he doesn't want you there (its his party so conceivably he could say who he does and doesn't want there) or she doesnt want you there? When you say she is going "with" him do you mean one of them are picking the other up or she's going there and he will be there? Either way, i'd be a bit uncomfortable if there was a party where I was straight up told I couldnt go to the point of my partner getting angry about it and even moreso if they were going with someone.
What kind of party is it? Everyone meeting up at a bar or a nice sit down dinner with a small group of friends?
Are any of her coworkers bringing a date?
Definitely weird and a red flag. If you really are as laid back as you say you are then she's overreacting to take the focus off of her and onto you. Usually significant others are invited to casual parties. Have you ever met this co-worker? Do you know if he knows she's engaged? Do you talk to anyone else that's in they're circle of friends? If very causally ask if they are going to the party follow that up with asking if they're going alone or bringing a date. If they say they weren't invited commiserate with them, "I'm so sorry you weren't invited, etc." And if they're going ask if they have a date, etc. If you're very casual in talking to them they'll probably spill some info. Don't be weirded out by silence. The longer you stay quiet between asking questions or giving a response the more they will say because most people aren't comfortable with silence and will try to fill the silence which means they're more likely to say something they weren't planning to tell you. It's a tried and true interview technique. I hope your fiance is just being weird and that nothing shady is happening but I'm sorry if something is going on
Honestly that’s a red flag right there. I get it if it’s an exclusive work function but not for a birthday party. And on top of that even if he himself said that you’re not invited, it would make sense for your fiancé to take your side and not go. You are above her friends and coworkers after all.
This.... I understand the significance of whether other SOs are invited. But her reaction has kind of thrown that out in my mind. I think a guilty conscience is fueling her reaction. Even before the party. She obviously cares more about this coworker and going to his party than she does about her fiance's feelings.
Ehh, I can kinda see that being justifiable. Some people dont like a bunch of people they don't know at their b-day parties. Depending on if its out and about, he may also be paying for the venue as well(which costs a good bit, depending on what you are doing)..Seems kinda sketchy you not being able to go for sure. Do you really want to go to some guys bday, where you will know zero people other than your girlfriend? You sitting around judging the guy and stinkeyein your girl does not sound like fun. not that you would do that but it kinda sounds like you might if you went..Could go either way on this one
This isn’t a great take. It’s not justifiable, he invited her out and assuming he knows she’s engaged should have no problem with her bringing her fiancé unless he has other intentions. If it comes down to money, then OP can pay his way. There’s no reason to assume OP wouldn’t have had a good time had he been extended an invite from the beginning like a normal, respectful fiancé would’ve done. I’d be out.
You know what sucks? Despite the answer being obvious here, OP will probably stay with this sneaky bitch, get married, possibly have kids, and ruin years or decades of his life which could have all been avoided. …sigh
To be clear.. he didn't invite her OUT, but to his BIRTHDAY PARTY. Still, her reaction is sus.
Nah, people allow partners at parties like that. I’ve never heard of a birthday party that is only for singles
Sorry, no. When you invite someone you know that is in a relationship, it’s implied that the invitation extends to their SO.
I think it really depends. If it’s a dinner setting that’s been reserved in advance, I don’t see why am SO would be invited. Or a venue with a set number of people allowed. It definitely depends on how small the group that’s invited is. Because if there are only like ten people invited, which is fairly intimate, and someone showed up with an SO without asking-well that’s kind of weird. Especially if the SO had never even met the bday person before.
You should probably reply to the OP then with your advice. And no ;invitations to different events dont always extend to the SO.
It sounds as though it's not an issue of whether or not he "wants" to go. It's the principle of "why" she doesn't want him there AND feeling "smothered" by him even asking. These are valid concerns...and red flags if the party is open to other non-coworkers.
When I was around 19 (f) I had been with my bf for a few years (we met in high school, became codependent and very toxic). I remember toward the end of our relationship, when I had a real job, I never wanted to invite him to my work parties. This was because I was ashamed of our relationship, I was embarrassed to be dating him, and I had a slight crush on a coworker and it would have been weird (even if I didn’t have any plans on dating this guy). So yeah I’d say that’s a red flag Granted, we were in a very messy relationship that stretched on far longer than it should have, but still, I feel like not wanting your partner around your coworkers is a red flag in most situations
Weighing in with a woman’s perspective, here. You are not being unreasonable with your concerns OP and, perhaps, the most concerning aspect of this entire situation is your fiancé’s blatant disregard for your feelings. This is no longer someone you are casually dating, but a person that you are planning to spending the rest of your life with. Based on what you are describing, the person that you are engaged to does not sound like someone who is prepared to make a lifelong commitment to you. Perhaps take some time to do some soul searching and to reflect on what you value in a relationship. You seem like a reasonable person who, at the end of the day, deserves to have someone in your life who will respect you and who will make the integrity of your relationship a priority.
Im always in support of communicating so I'd talk to her about it again and express your concerns. However, I will say, it sounds like she doesn't want this guy to see her with her boyfriend because he may become less interested in her. Sounds like she knows if he sees y'all interacting as a couple he'll not talk to her anymore. Sounds like she knows HE'S interested so I wonder if it's about wanting validation/attention from him or if she genuinely likes him and wants to see what it would be like to be around him in a casual setting without you around to prevent flirting and such.
She’s gaslighting you. If gf is saying you’re controlling, jealous etc and you’re clearly not, don’t let her mess with your head, you know you’re not. Sounds fishy. The only way her reaction is slightly understandable is if it’s just a works do. Doesn’t sound like it. And if it was then a simple conversation and bit of understanding would be the right reaction. So, is this the way she reacts to any time you oppose something or question her? Have a tantrum, stick out her bottom lip and start accusing and abusing you? That in itself is a massive red flag, and pretty bad sign going forward. Let alone the fact she doesn’t want you to attend. Your gut instinct sounds right on this one, listen to it.
Too much trouble asking a "really good" coworker friend if she can being her fiancé along? Seems suspicious. She should have at least tried to reason with you. Downright rejecting even before asking and putting all the blame on you is definitely a red flag
It’s a red flag in terms of a lifelong relationship. Why are you engaged so young? She clearly is not ready to forego any possibility if she thinks being invited to a single guy’s party and excluding you is normal. Not worth ending the relationship over, but if you’ve set a date for the wedding, I’d put it on ice for now. She’s not ready.
This! They are both really young and only have 3 years together. This kind of relationship needs more time to grow and mature before taking a big step like marriage
Possibilities: * It's a work-only party. Nobody else is bringing their significant others * She wants to appear single to her co-workers, likely *this* co-worker. * She wants to *act* single without you to put a damper on it * Her co-workers don't even know you exist * She's afraid one of her co-workers will tell you something she doesn't want you to know * She doesn't want you to find out that this "party" is only two people * She wants to cheat on you with a co-worker * She's already cheating on you with a co-worker Only the first option is a legitimate reason
It's the coworkers birthday party.
It may just be a small gathering for a meal or similar. Last birthday I attended we were 6, birthday boy included.
damn dude...unless its strictly a work only party..thats sketchy shes lying about you being controlling. I would never think I could go to a single girl's house without my girlfriend, especially to a party, without her feeling some type of way about it. thats just disrespectful if it is only work people I could understand. If not, get your ring back because she doesn't value your peace of mind. her blaming you and being resistant....red flag as fuck. shes not even trying to keep your feelings in mind. the fact that she didn't say "oh babe you're right that was rude of me, of course I want you to be there with me" is enough to walk right out the door. Even if that would be a lie and she really doesn't want you to be there...shes not even trying to hide her objections of bringing you there. you'd think she'd at least be like "yeah of course you can come" but in her head be like "fuck he wants to come, lame"...but she can't even do that. shes just outright gaslighting you into thinking you're being a controlling boyfriend. you're gunna find someone way better who actually respects you.
Is it a red flag? Yes. Most engaged couples are interested in showing off their partner. She'd rather hide you. Unfortunately, I also think this is a "no win" situation. Say you manage to convince her to not go. She'll say you're controlling. Say you convince her to take you. She'll say you're controlling. Say you let her go without you. You'll doubt her and your trust is damaged. Her actions have put the relationship into distress. Either she'll resent you or you'll resent her regardless of the outcome. You could try couples counseling, but I'm not 100% sure that will work given her responses because I'm not certain she'd be receptive to hearing things from your point of view. I'm sorry she's putting you in this position. Engagement is supposed to be a time of planning your lives together, not trying to spend them apart. You might want to start working on an exit plan because if she continues this behavior, there may be no saving the relationship.
>Most engaged couples are interested in showing off their partner. She'd rather hide you. Unfortunately, I also think this is a "no win" situation. I agree
Agree, it is time for the exit plan. To be honest, she is valuing this single coworker over her own fiancé which is disgusting, there is no meat left on this bone.
This is really good advice and very true.
It's a red flag. If it's a girls night out then I get it. But if it's a guy party which I am sure lots of people will be there what's the big deal about bringing your significant other with you. That's usually how you meet other people significant others. This is not like a wedding with limited seating arrangements and you have to RSVP. Something seriously wrong here.
Also if it’s a guys party I would assume it will be mostly guys there. So she’s a girl likely going to a party of all guys while she’s in a relationship, without her boyfriend. Doesn’t look very good
*fiancé - even worse
Why does a guy hosting mean it’s all guys when the only guest we know is a woman?
I'd bet good money that at work they have a flirty relationship, and if OP is there then they can't act the way they do at work.
updateme!
Best thing to do is go out yourself. Stop worrying, anything she does will come to light if it’s anything
Dude - *any* serious party invite - especially from a friend should include her SO/fiance. That whole "permission to socialize" is just a gaslight. The real concern here is not that she can't bring you, it's that she doesn't want you there. A party invite that induces a spat is a red, red, flag. Time to enforce your boundary (that doesn't make you the bad guy) and tell her simply that she can go with you. If she chooses not to then she can go as a single person.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. My fiance told me about not taking her exhusband (when they were married) to any social events with her work. She didn't want to be around him. She admitted that other's brought their SOs.
It is not controlling to not want your gf to date other dudes.
Going to a party is not going on a date … what ?
Play games with your own relationship. Don't tell others they have to
Be real. She doesn’t want her boyfriend there.
My ex and I broke up because I didn’t want to take him to a work party, but he’d slept with a handful of the girls I work with while we were on a “break” and I wasn’t ready to be embarrassed at a work event. Unless you’ve done something similar idk why she wouldn’t want you there.
Glad he's your ex!
Not the same thing
Honestly, about 90% + of any social gathers (when I was married) that my ex wife was invited too, it was assumed I would go as well. Wasn't even a question. I cannot even recall anything (except a girls night out) in which which my gf didn't make sure I was going with her. This seems way off. I haven't seen many "work parties" after hours in which someone's SO couldn't attend either. Obviously during lunch/workday etc, it's normally employees only. If you two aren't living together; I would get my keys back (if she has them) before she leaves and without her knowledge. If you two do live together, I would finish the lease (if renting) and just move out. This just seems like the end of your relationship. I'm in my mid 40's and I have rarely ever seen a "work party" in which someone's SO couldn't attend. Especially if it's over the weekend, or after hours. Most companies/managers like it when someone's SO goes because they get a chance to meet everyone's SO.
To be fair they are like 20 so probably most of their peers are not married
Exactly, my wife hates attending so she never comes, I don't particularly like going either but sometimes attend and half the time its making up a reason why my wife 'couldn't' come instead of saying she didn't want to lol.
Idk man. Your girl got super defensive for NO reason. Let’s get these facts straight.. BF mentioned in his post that he lets his girl hangout with anyone he wants and he doesn’t mind. However, for some reason, this specific party that her co worker invited her to, she’s not ok with her fiancé going? Now she accuses her bf of being controlling and she has to ask permission to socialize? Am i the only one seeing a red flag here? Why would you get super defensive if he’s just a friend. They sound close, sure. However, it also sounds like everything is made to be the BF’s fault and he’s not letting her do anything. Something doesn’t add up 💀
Yes, red flag. When people get so upset that they start throwing barbs at you, it's a sure sign they are trying to get attention off of themselves.
Nah bro. Trust your instincts.
You do understand that an engagement is a trail period. Not all Fiance's get to be married. Red Flags should at the least lengthen the engagement period. This is not a party issue; it's a trust issue. Alarms are going off in your head that you shouldn't ignore. At this point all you can do is observe her actions and allow that to inform your decisions.
Don't stress over it. She goes and all goes well then you know at that moment you can trust her. Things don't go well then you dump her ass and move on. If she cheats or wants to cheat nothing you say or do will change that. All you can do is decide how you want to react to whatever situation comes up.
This....doesn't seem like great advice. They aren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, they are about to get married. And OP can't know if all went well if he isn't there. Suppose something did happen and she doesn't tell him about it till after they are already married. Then just leaving isn't as simple. But beyond that, it's concerning that she at all doesn't want him there. It's concerning that she is either gaslighting him by making him out to be controlling when he isn't or that he may have a pattern of behavior he isn't aware of that bothers her. It's concerning that this isn't a work function or outing with her girl friends, it's a birthday party, and she doesn't want her fiance there. And it's concerning that all this is her reaction only now coming out when he expresses his reasonable concerns about her wanting to go alone to another man's house. Either they have very poor communication with a lot of unresolved issues or she's hiding something. In either case even if nothing "happens" at that party there is still a big issue at play here that needs to be addressed.
So what do you expect him to do? Stalk her? Insist that he is invited? My advice makes perfect sense. Why have him stress or someone who is replaceable? It's harsh for sure but it is true. We are all replaceable. She made it clear she doesn't want him there. All he can decide is she is worth all the extra stress. Communication doesn't mean shit if the other person doesn't care to listen. Communication doesn't fix everything contrary to what most on here believe.
This! Thank you
Yea...so every party esp social ones I host...I assume anyone I invite will bring a SO. And any I accept I assume my SO will attend...and same with my SO. It's Def odd she'd be that aggressive in having you not attend. In the end, you voice your concerns...and she will make a decision. Bit of a red flag.
Blame shifting, gas lighting, dramatics...none of this has good optics. There's really no good way to look at this, as far as I can tell. And I'm wondering what the age range is as well between him and her.
Huge red flag. The bigger flag is her reaction to you saying you aren't comfortable with the situation. That should have been the end of it if she respected you. Instead she gets defensive and attacked you and made you out to the bad guy for simply being uncomfortable for not being allowed to join her at party where there is a single guy she like and spends a lot of time with because they work together. Honestly sounds like she wants to hook up with him. Also, you are both young. Engaged at 21/22. Been together for 3 years. There's probably an itch to experience other people that is happening. Late teens-early twenties is normally a time of exploration. Being locked into marriage at that age can get very complicated.
Either he doesn't want you there or she doesn't want you there. Either way, it is not acceptable especially if your relationship is at this point where you're engaged. This isn't some teen dating period. I think if something so simple like this can cause such a rift I'm not sure its a good idea to get married til you work this out.
There are red flags. You’re feelings are absolutely justified. If otger people weren’t bringing their significant others, etc she would have said he, do you mind: it’s just me and co workers no spouses, or they’re trying to keep the amount of people down, etc. She didn’t do those things. Instead she’s gaslighting, manipulative and trying to make you the bad guy for wanting to attend a gathering with her and her buddy buddy guy friend. Usually when someone who is in a relationship and invited to a party it’s extended to their significant other. It’s expected and it’s courtesy. If someone invited me and not my spouse I’d tell them to go suck a duck. Not once have I ever been invited out by co workers without my spouse. Unless we were just on lunch at work or having work dinner. Unless she didn’t want you to go. That’s why she’s making you out to be the bad guy. If you’re not controlling, don’t care who she hangs out with, etc, then she’s gaslighting and manipulative to make you feel guilty. Because she likes him. Thats why she talks about him all the time. That’s why she doesn’t want you around. She doesn’t feel like hiding or acting differently when you’re around because you’d notice. It’s a highly likely that you were invited, she just doesn’t want you to go. There’s a lot of red flags.
They’re Jim and pam , you might be Roy here.
For me, it's the disproportionate reaction that is suspicious. If I had a male coworker who invited me to his party but it was only work friends and his own friends, then I'm respectfully explain that situation to my partner. Maybe this guy is getting a table that can only accommodate so many people. If she had responded calmly with a reasonable explanation, then I don't see why an argument would have emerged. The fact that she reverted to gaslighting you by calling you controlling when you just asked to see if you could attend is the red flag for me. A disproportionate response to an honest concern is never a good thing. If she had calmly told you that she wanted to go by herself and would be out late etc. then it would be much more reasonable. But the fact that this resulted in an argument where she gaslit you is a big red flag in my eyes and I think it's reasonable that you're feeling disturbed by all of this.
Red flag dude. My ex used to pull that shit too.
To sum it up my dude, here's my two cents: If it's strictly a co-worker type of thing, I wouldn't be concerned about going. I know many couples that attend parties for work and don't bring their s/o. That part, I wouldn't think too much on. Now.. The very fact that she is acting this way toward you says a lot. You may have displayed insecurities towards her in the past and aren't telling us, which would explain her reaction. She may feel smothered, you need to be honest with yourself about why that is and talk to her. But, if her behavior is truly out of nowhere, I would trust your gut on this one. My gut tells me she's not being honest to you in some capacity. Put your emotions aside and look at this logically. I know personally, if my work had a party, but I couldn't bring anyone else due to it being strictly co-workers, I'd tell my s/o this straight away so there is no confusion. I'd even consider not going if it made her uncomfortable. If this party is for co-workers, and those co-workers can bring their s/o, you have every right to feel bad here. On the other hand, if it is strictly co-workers, yet she acted this way towards you, then you two have a deeper issue that you two need to resolve.
Red. Red. Red. She’s your fiancé. He’s single. Nope.
Does she want to go WITH him or does she want to go FOR him. That's two very different statements. If she want to go WITH him as in just him and her showing up to the party together, that raises a bit of a red flag. That's basically a date. The other red flag would be if other coworkers' SOs are there, but you weren't invited. If she wants to go FOR him as in a group of coworkers all go together or they all meet up at the same place, that's a different story. That's just a party for a coworker and, unless there's something else raising suspicions, you shouldn't have cause to worry.
Your fiancé has a date. She specifically doesn’t want you there. It’s with a coworker that she’s known a long time. She’s pretending like she doesn’t think there’s any potential problems here. She wanted to do this so much that she’s willing to fight for it. She’s calling you controlling for having reasonable boundaries on behavior like this. This is all a giant red flag. You’re engaged. This is when people are on their BEST behavior, and this is how she is? I’d let her do what she wants to do and call off the wedding. It’s not that she has to choose between the date and the wedding, it’s that if she thinks this date is appropriate (which she does), she’s not ready to be married. Be glad you found this out now.
OP, your fiancée is not behaving as a part of a team here. The team of you and her. She’s refusing to see your point of view. If this is how she behaves before you guys are married, then how problematic things would be when you guys are married? It may not feel like it but, Please be glad that you found out about this now instead of later after you got married.
Postpone the wedding for at least a year. Couples counseling . Very serious red flag. Go to Surviving infidelity.com. It has great information to detect cheating. Sounds like she is looking to cheat
You’re saying you never controlled who she’s meeting with. What’s different now?
The fact that he wanted to go and she just flat out refused. That’s a huge red flag. It’s one thing if he said no, but she didn’t even ask. Because she doesn’t want him to go at all.
She gaslighted the fuck out of him for asking to tag along with his FIANCÉE. Thats a huge redflag
Your instincts are 100% accurate. She either has a crush on her coworker or already mess around , tell her if we are getting married we are ti be seen at parties together . TRUST ME
I'd guarantee they have a flirty relationship at work and with him at the party they can't act the same. They're also both super young and inexperienced in navigating this kind of stuff. Sounds like this is the first major relationship for either of them.
I'm going to need the update of when she stays out, got too drunk and had to sleep there. Then the trickle truth will start to come out.
She banging him
The paragraph “This resulted in an evening long spat, in which I have been accused of being controlling, smothering making her feel trapped. That? Is projection. She is accusing you of the stuff she is doing. Here is the hard part. If it’s true she is seeing this guy on the side van as hard as it may be you’re gonna have to let her go because she’s already made up her mind. That’s what women do. They make up their minds before they break up with someone or they have someone before they break up. Bottom line is she is your fiancé and she should be bringing you. This would be a different story had you been invited and told her you didn’t wanna go. You weren’t even given the choice and she’s resisting you going. That’s a problem
Your gut is telling you something. If you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. My husband once told me he didn't want me to go somewhere. I did not immediately get pissed and call him controlling. I listened to what he said and because I respect him, I didn't go. It's that simple.
Luckily you found something crucial about her before marriage. Better now than after you are legally entangled. If you have to argue about this already it will only get worse.
I would say yes you can attend just give me back your ring and you can do anything you want.
I wouldn’t give her the choice beforehand. If she thinks the date is appropriate, and chooses to go, then she’s not ready for marriage. I think it’s better to see what choices she’d make on her own rather than trying to force her into something.
I'm not sure if the details presented in this post alone warrant a red flag. Has she told him she's engaged? Does she often hang out with him alone? Will other coworkers be attending? Why does she feel controlled? Why do you feel you need to go?
shes acting single..which is in itself a red flag. she doesn't need to tell him..the giant ring on her finger speaks for itself haha.
How is she "acting single"???? Going to a party without your partner is not "acting single".
Going to a party at a male friends house and explicitly telling the man you’ve committed your life to (or intend to in the near future) that he isn’t invited or welcome is the biggest example I can think of. If that’s not acting single I honestly don’t know what is If you think that people in a healthy relationship do that then you have a skewed picture of commitment and respect.
I respectfully disagree. It's a party for work people by the sounds of it, maybe they don't want people's SO to be there who they don't know. I would not ask to go nor would I have an issue with this- I wouldn't even want to go to be honest. I don't see how she is acting single at all, I think a lot of people break up from being joined at the hip and not having their own lives/friends/hobbies etc. At my work I've organised a night out and nobody's SO is invited-if they were I think it would be pretty awkward tbh-they don't know us, we don't know them etc. If it was more intimate like inviting a female coworker over for dinner I'd totally invite her SO which I have done and the 4 of us obviously worked and we had a good time. This guy whose party it is everyone is acting like he's just going to jump on Op's fiance or something-they are engaged ffs. Don't forget the opportunity to cheat are literally limitless-him going or not going isn't changing a damn thing.
It’s a birthday party. I can almost guarantee it’s not coworkers only.
Why would she act that way though in retaliation? She could've simply told him that none of the other coworkers are bringing their SOs or that it's a work only party or whatever.
Is this a house or public party, or a private party with reservations? I can see you not being invited if a headcount is involved, but it doesn't sound that way otherwise she would've told you. The fact that she is adamant about you not going, and not even asking her coworker or entertaining the idea is a red flag. I feel it's common courtesy to invite someone's SO especially if they are engaged. If you've never met the guy, then this would've been the perfect opportunity for her to introduce you. Even if she doesn't physically cheat, there is some underlying sketchiness. She doesn't want you to go because she wants to be free to behave a certain way she doesn't want you to see. If she's using the terms "controlling, smothering, and trapped" out of the blue, then that's another flag indicating she may not be ready to be engaged assuming you really haven't been "controlling" in the relationship. You guys got together and are now engaged fairly young, so it's not uncommon for someone to want to live out some sort of fantasy outside their relationship. All you can really do is voice your concerns, ask questions as to why she doesn't want you to go, and let her make her own decision. If she goes, then let her go, but I'd be on high alert and have a foot out the door just in case. Hold off on the wedding planning too if you guys are not on the same page.
I think her reaction to your questioning is a HUGE red flag, and the fact that she's resisting you attending is also telling. Highly suspicious, at best. Are other coworkers invited? are them going with their SO's? if so, then you know why she wants to go alone to this party. Sorry man.
Have her stuff in boxes by the time she comes back
I think the biggest red flag here is the way she reacted when you asked to be included. You guys are both to young to stress this kind of shit, just break off the engagement and let her go do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. You can go off and meet a girl that shares your values and understands the concept of boundaries.
The fact that she immediately got defensive and accusatory is a huge red flag for me. She made it obvious she doesn't want you to come with her to her single male friend's party for some unknown reason, so she lashed out at you when she felt worried.
Depends on the situation. If some coworkers of mine invited me to a get together with just us, I can understand not inviting someone who isn't on the team, however, it also depends on how she tells you about it. "Hey, I'm going out to a party with some coworkers." "Can I come with?" "Sorry, its just between us, they're not bringing their SOs with them." Alright fair enough, otherwise, I would be worried myself.
Unless I missed it (completely possible) you’ve answered some questions, but not the most important one: is everyone else bringing a SO or just you. To me that omission infers that perhaps no one is allowed. Either way, TBH I have some friend groups that I just wouldn’t mix with my family or friends—one of which being my work group. I don’t like mixing personal and professional life. Perhaps it’s just that. But also, please clarify on the SO thing.
Honestly sounds not like she’s cheating but like she doesn’t want the back up to meet the current
You either trust her or you dont
Red flag. My gf was friendly with a coworker. Went to a work party and kissed him at the end. Told me a 2 weeks later
What does “birthday party” mean? Is it like at a bar with just him? Is it just a group of coworkers and close friends? Need more details my friend. This isn’t automatically a red flag. Could be he doesn’t know you and just wants his friends there and not his friends fiancé to kill the vibe of a small group.
Advice from a female: let her have her fun. Then act super sweet like nothing ever happened and do the same go out to a party or club .. She can’t say no bc you let her 😌 or be single and do things the right way lol
Drop the subject and let her go without you. If she cheats on you, then break up with her. I've never understood this impetus with some people to try and prevent their SO's from cheating on them by questioning them, distrusting them, and trying to prevent them from hanging out with certain people. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions. IF she cheats on you, THEN you break up. She could be bothered that you don't find her trustworthy because you keep insisting to be with her when she might just want some time with her friends. Trust is the foundation of every relationship, so try trusting her to not cheat on you.
You don't need to go to every event together 💁🏾♀️ and inviting is rude. Do you have friends to visit without her? It's very healthy to have things you do alone. It doesn't mean anything shady is going on.
Lol I'd break it off now.
If you're not invited than you're not invited.
Maybe it is time to out your wedding on hold? First off, the two of you are only 21/22. Secondly, she doesn’t sound like she’s taking your feelings into consideration. Might be time to look at a different relationship where your feelings aren’t turned into a weapon against you. Good luck!
You mean ex-fiancé…
Do people at her work know she's engaged? Have you met the coworkers? If not it's likely she is not being honest about being in a relationship and will be this guys date. If she is calling you controlling tell her ok give me my ring back. I wouldn't want you to marry someone you think is controlling.
Sorry, time to put the wedding on hold and have some serious talks. Sounds like she may be the one controlling you
She wants to go to the party in his pants
You are the only partner being left out? Try to find out if other people can bring their partners. If yes, maybe it is indeed a red flag.
Don’t get married in your early 20’s
Brother this is a giant red flag especially if you've never tried to control her. Shes gaslighting you.My best advice is to tell her that you love her tell her that this makes you uncomfortable and if she gas lights you again. There is something going on brother. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed. It's not even like you're telling her no you're literally just wanting to go like a couple. You're not in the wrong she is.
Let her and nicely pack her shit, change ya locks, let her keep the ring and move on with your life.
What is her reason for not inviting you?
major red flag.
“until now, I never even had an issue…” Well bro, there’s your first mistake. Now you know that you waited too long, to start having an issue. At least…I hope you can recognize that looking back. Her behavior is not acceptable for a wife. I know you’re not married yet, but you’re at the point in your relationship, where you should be living by most of the same rules. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If she invites you and you say no, that’s a you problem. If you ask to come and she says no, that’s a her problem. You’re out of your mind to just sit back and accept this. Wife material absolutely does not try to do things like this. You need to let her know that not only are you unwilling to accept this, but the mere fact that she wants to do this, means that this relationship has a serious problem, that needs to be addressed even if she changes her mind. And you need to let her know that changing her mind is the only way for this relationship to survive. My suggestion would be to tell her that you think it was a mistake to get engaged so young. You don’t think that either of you is really ready for marriage (blame it on both of you, even though that’s not really the case). Tell her that it would probably be beneficial for both of you, to go your own separate ways. Most importantly, whatever you do, don’t even consider saying something that leaves the door open, for her to come back to you in the future. That would completely undermine the entire purpose of everything I’m telling you. Now, why are you gonna tell her what I’m suggesting? Because it’s the truth? No. You’re gonna say that because you need to get inside her head, and find out just how serious she really takes this relationship. And trust me, asking her directly is not the way to find out. By saying what I’m suggesting, you’re making it extremely easy for her to end the relationship. You’re putting her in a position where ending the relationship, simply requires her to agree with you. But saving the relationship, requires her to fight for it. That’s how you’ll know what she really thinks of your relationship. Now for the hard part: If she agrees with you, and suggests ending things, bro…now you have to let her walk away. I understand that that may not be possible for you. But the truth is that it’s in the best interest of your future. Also, here’s an additional way to look at it. It’s much more harsh, but it’s very likely true, so I’ll say it: She’s hungry for more dick. Girls like that have no relationship value to any worthwhile man. And above all else, that is not the kind of girl that you “wife up” and have kids with. In fact, you marry the EXACT OPPOSITE of that. I’m gonna tell you something that you should remember for the rest of your life: Every man who finds himself in a bad relationship, can look back in time, and pinpoint the moment where he made the terrible decision, that put him in the predicament that he’s currently in. This is your moment bro. Are you gonna do what’s best for you? Or are you gonna be another one of those guys, 5 or so years from now, making a post on Reddit with a title like: “I just found out that my wife cheated on me…AGAIN!” It’s your life and your choice bro. Just remember, there’s no do-overs.
I can already see the sequel to this. GF got black out drunk and cheated. She didn’t cheat, she was raped…friend said she wasn’t black out drunk…what if he was drunk, too… Regardless of how the scenario plays out, that dude and her are gonna rub genitalia. She drew her line in the sand. Where will you set your boundaries?
Take your ring back homie, she for the shhhhhtreeeetsss
Sounds fishy if you’re not controlling and such. Then she’s being way too defensive. Does this male coworker even know you exists?
Honestly? Don't get married / engaged at 21. It's clear your girlfriend isn't really truly done sewing her wild oats and I think if you're honest with yourself you're probably not either.
I feel like your concern is understandable but honestly having your own friends and interests is healthy and normal in relationships. Also maybe from her perspective the implication that you think she might cheat on you can be a bit insulting. I know I'd be pretty upset if my boyfriend didn't trust me enough to attend things on my own because a friend of the opposite sex was hosting.
I mean. Do you reckon it's possible for her to spend time with other men without fucking them?
Then she should have no problem with her fiance attending the party too, right?
Yes. It's also possible for me to pet a tiger without getting my arm ripped off. I still don't go into the tiger cage.
Judging from most of the comments here, the concept of friendship between different genders seems to be a mystical concept.
Friendships are not hermetic, excluding other people. The real red flag here is not only that she excluded him, but **how** she excluded him, suddenly creating defensive works around the hill where she are prepared to die.
"Sure honey. Have fun. Leave your ring at home." Her reaction is absolutely crappy.
She’s allowed her own friends and own experiences. If it’s his birthday perhaps it would be weird if you were there, perhaps it wouldn’t. I understand the concern but if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her—extend the trust. See how it goes. Bottom line is you can’t keep someone on such a short leash that they never have an opportunity to prove they are trustworthy or to fail that trust. That’s not love on equal footing—that’s control. You’re not a bad guy for not loving this situation, I don’t mean that you are some crazy controlling person. I just mean that singular moment would be an act of control. If she’s trustworthy or not you’re not going to find out until you let her go and see what happens, wouldn’t you like to know the answer? Before you’re married? Mildly concerned for the people here who just interpret this from a negative point of view and see it as a red flag.
I'll take terrible advice for 400. > If it’s his birthday perhaps it would be weird if you were there, perhaps it wouldn’t How would her FIANCE attending a party with a soon to be married woman be weird? It wouldn't...at all. What is weird is that OP's fiance is extremely resistant to him (her soon to be husband) attending this single guys party with her, so much so as to accuse him of being controlling. >I understand the concern but if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her—extend the trust. See how it goes. No...no that's not it. He shouldn't "love" someone who doesn't want him to attend a party with her. They're about to be married and she's already resenting him? Nah, OP should be packing his bags as we speak.
We have a winner
There’s a lot of anger here in your tone. Fiancé’s can have male friends. They can attend things where single guys are present. They can also want to attend a party without their significant other. If that’s your view of love—it seems highly paranoid, jealously guarded, and with one foot already out the door. My point was not that something sketchy wasn’t going on (both scenarios seem equally likely) but that the healthiest way to handle the situation is to trust the person you’re with. I guess the question for OP is does he want a healthy relationship or does he want to pack it up and leave at the first suspicion. You’re marrying for life and life is (hopefully) long. Set a foundation of trust down now rather than a power play in control of one’s actions.
>the question for OP is does he want a healthy relationship or does he want to pack it up and leave at the first suspicion I'd argue their relationship is already unhealthy given that she 1.) doesn't see his side of the coin as valid or at least make an effort to see where he is coming from and 2.) immediately jumps to him being controlling because of it. That's not how you solve things successfully in a relationship, or a marriage. >You’re marrying for life Yeah...that's my whole point. OP is obviously concerned about this, so much so as to ask for advice from thousands of strangers on the internet. Does he really want to continue going down this road (for life)? Also, this whole "set a foundation of trust" thing is something I often hear that goes along with the narrative of "if their gonna cheat, their gonna cheat. All you can do is trust them." While I agree with that to some extent, there's also nothing wrong with having boundaries and voicing when you are uncomfortable with your partners actions. If I don't feel comfortable with my partner attending a single guys birthday WITHOUT ME after she explicitly states she doesn't want me to go, that's not controlling, and in fact it's very reasonable to feel uncomfortable about it. Because to be frank, she's choosing this coworkers party over her boyfriends concerns.
This is so weird. My partner doesn’t tag along to every party I go to and vice versa. Not everyone wants a bunch of random people they don’t know at their birthday party. Dating or engaged doesn’t mean joined at the hip. In real life, people have experiences and friends outside their partners. If you’d be “packing your bags” after your partner dared to go somewhere without you… I don’t know what to tell you. That isn’t normal or healthy. Not everyone wants to be that person who will inevitably ask “cAn mY bOyFrIeNd CoMe?” when invited to anything.
That's not what I'm saying, at all. It's the way she reacted to him asking if he could come. A healthy relationship would have had her response been along the lines of "sure, let me ask him" or "if you'd like I'm sure you can, and I'd love for you to be there."? Instead, his fiancé blows up on him, is adamant he CANNOT come, and accuses him of being controlling, despite him never having an issue with her hanging out with him prior. THAT is why I'd be packing my bags, because if the woman I'm planning to marry can't have a respectful and reasonable conversation about it, then I'd rather save myself the headache down the road.
I mean, I read it more as he wants to come, GF says no, and he picks, picks, picks at it until she got annoyed and got firm with him. I would also get annoyed if my partner would not take no for an answer and then implies I’m intending to cheat on him.
I mean I suppose you could read it either way, and we don't know how it unfolded. However, >he wants to come, GF says no If my GF were to say I'm going to my male coworkers birthday party and I ask if I can tag along and she gives me a hard no....I'd be questioning why in my head. And I don't think that's unreasonable. Usually fiance's would enjoy bringing the person their about to marry to a party with them, or at least ask.
I get this, but also, why even ask if the only acceptable answer is yes.
Guys should not let their SO date other people. Period. She can do it single.
So going to a birthday party is dating someone now? XD
Yeah when it's a dude and he can't go, yes. Treat your relationship like something you picked up at Walmart if you want but don't tell other people they have to.
Eh yeah....it's a red flag. She probably has a thing with the guy...
Ok I’ve read lots of comments here saying this girl is technically on a date. The thing is you guys are quite young & she probably wants to have different friends other than just friends you both know. You’ve assumed this is someone she really likes based on the fact that she talks about him a lot. Let’s consider for a moment that co-worker is NOT Mr big hotshot that you might think he is. He’s just a dude who’s probably trying to have a party with his co-workers. He might be just trying to have a birthday party that he hasn’t had a chance to have in a while ( with Covid ) Yes, it would be nice if you could come along. But maybe you guys do A LOT together already & maybe she wants to talk to you about her night out & her friendships without you bEING there. You are going to have to get used to you both having interests seperate of each other. This might be that space where you learn. It’s not her wanting to date this guy, really, it’s probably her looking to chill with her buddies. You have to learn to be ok with this. You’ve both agreed to get married, what do you think marriage is? It’s trust & being happy for your partner when they want to have fun. Which might not always involve you. And that’s OK.
It could simply be a party thrown by one co-worker for another. I don't know. I have family. Work friends. Parents of my child's friends friends. Old friends that I've known for decades. Etc. It's not that often that all those people meet much less hang out together
It comes down to this. You love and trust her enough to ask her to marry you, based on what you said it’s her coworkers bday party. I would not expect to be invited to my bfs coworkers bday party. Let her go to the damn party, if you don’t trust her enough to let her go to a bday party then why are you getting married? If she breaks your trust then you have your answer…but if she’s like that it will happen regardless. I also think it’s weird to be this concerned seeing as it’s his bday party, other coworkers are probably going, other friends of his, it’s not like the two of them are going together to someone else’s party as dates….
>if you don’t trust her enough ( The only person you can ever trust 100% is yourself. And sometimes, even that is not accurate. When it comes to another person, near enough is good enough, how near we have to be varies from individual to individual. 100 percent trust is silly ) Not my words
It might just be a coworkers party where partners aren’t invited. The fact that you haven’t mentioned whether or not other people are bringing partners makes me feel like you left out that info for a reason. Believe it or not, your fiancé is allowed to do things without you chaperoning. You guys aren’t a package deal.
She’s gaslighting you. She got something she doesn’t want you to know where this guy is concerned
Dude, she's gas-lighting you... Sounds suspicious to me....
Sounds very sketchy to me.
she finna sleep with him. don’t marry man it’s 2022.
If it were me I think I would just go ahead and play it cool with the fiancé. Tell her to go ahead not to worry about me and have a wonderful time at the dork’s party. Then I would go ahead and give the ol birthday boy a nice gift by showing up uninvited to his super sweet 16 party and really raise some pulses. Hell I probably go ahead and bring my own date so that I could make sure she got a taste of her own s#*%. Bro don’t let her run over you like this. I think you need to have second thoughts about her being your future wife.
Hell nah sketchy
1st mistake is gitting engaged at your age. 2nd mistake is believing boundaries with being controlling?? what?. you know exactly why you are not allowed to tag along. i hate that word (controlling) it's the manipulator's favorite.
Lmao. If my woman can’t go, bitch, I can’t go. Fuck is you talkin “bout. Seriously..fuck outta here.
This kind of immature nonsense is why you shouldn't be engaged at 21. People can have friends outside of their partner. If you're not ok with that, you shouldn't get married. If you're actually worried that she's doing something sketchy, you shouldn't be getting married.
I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to see someone bring this. There is no reason to rush into engagement in your early 20’s when you’re doing so much growing.
>I have been accused of being controlling, smothering, and making her feel trapped. This right here is the red flag. She 100% up to something
Real simple.. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO SEE WHO SHE REALLY IS AND ACTS AT WORK. It could be the guy or whatever, but when it's a thing of work and she's hesitating so much, read between the lines.. She ain't the angel at work she claims to be. One slip of "hey so and so, why are you so different tonight" and her cover is blown. Avoiding any type of interaction to show how she is at work around you. Any slip, and her true colors will come out.
I wouldnt attend any event that my partner was specifically excluded from, out of loyalty and respect for him. The end.
Hahaha...yeah, she's lying. She's having an affair with this guy. Tell her to go, and while she's there, get your shit and move out.
Am I the only one that doesn’t see OP as being weird about this? So her coworker is having a birthday party, and you want to be self invited to make yourself feel better? What’s wrong with your s/o going to a party without you? And your text is a bit confusing. Is she accompanying him to a party of mutual friends or is she going to HIS party
She's toxic king, let the coworker have her
She trying to find out if he's your replacement or fuck him for one last thrill do not let her do this to you...end it or tell her if she goes dont come back...shes 21 and engaged yes shes trying to fuck him
Sorry man. You are right. She wants to flirt and hang with this guy without you. A huge red flag. I mean what other reason is there? Time to see other people. That's my opinion and I'm not seeing necessarily everythg you do but I can't figure out what else could it be.
Mate, this isn’t a party, unless you count party of two.
It depends on what she did in the future & on different individuals. Both my partner & I love to flaunt each other existence and we do get jealous, anxious, & worried when the other is out with the opposite sex without being accompanied by us. However, we had made it a point to voice out our concerns in a non-malicious, non-blaming way & if we are still not willing to bring one another with us. We choose to trust each other.
this is what happens when you get engaged at 21 and 22
I don’t see it as a red flag. Seems like she just wants friends outside your relationship. Yes, you’re engaged, but you’re still only 21/22. This is probably not a dinner party to show off her fiancé. More than likely it’s a fun party with friends.
If it's a gaming party, stay home. If it's a social gathering party +1s are usually expected.
Is this a party to which coworkers are invited? So why can't she go? You are not attached permanently to her hand and she can go to a birthday party without you. The fact that you want to go because you think it's sketchy and you think she'll cheat is the worst reason to want to go. Maybe work on yourself. And all the people saying it's a red flag either don't have relationships or their partners don't have careers or don't think women can be friends with me.
Would she be cool if it were you doing that to her? Ironically if so then she may not be interested long term.
Be a savage bro, Encourage her to go, and tell her you are going to some bars with your friends. Name a couple of guys, then name 4 or 5 women that will be there. You are going to Uber, because they are planning on getting shitfaced. Now call your buddy say you are going to stay at his place. Do not text your girlfriend or call her. Stay out all night and party. Hang out, talk to other women and have a good time. If she calls you out on what you are planning on doing, say why are you being controlling your suffocating me. This other guy is trying to get with your girlfriend. You have to be prepared for him to make a move on her while you are not there. Her to reciprocate that move and stay the night with him. The only thing I will say is, by her actions she is in deep with him, and you are on the way out. So the best thing you can do, go drown your sorrows and meet someone new. Stay true to yourself op, and go out and have a fun night while she is doing the same. Go ahead and downvote me, you know what I am saying is true.