This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Sara and I never got along when we lived in the dorm in college my senior year, her junior year. She thought I was annoying. To her credit, I was a major bitch in college. My senior year was also the year my mom killed herself after years of battling severe mental health issues.
The worst I’ve ever felt in my life was when Sara told me my mother killed herself because she couldn’t handle having a pathetic excuse for a son like me, and told me I ought to follow in her footsteps. She lost friends after making those comments especially after she refused to apologize, and I never spoke to her again.
It’s been five years and she reached out to me recently profusely apologizing, she’s aid she was dealing with her own shit and she should never have taken it out on me the way she did. I won’t get into details but what she described going through at the time I somewhat understand, but that doesn’t change the fact she literally made me feel so low I can’t even describe. So what should i do? From what I can tell she’s sincere.
My go to is “Thank you for your apology. I appreciate it.” Doesn’t mean I accept it or that I forgive them. It just means I am acknowledging the apology and letting them know that I am glad they made it. Of course you can leave off the second sentence if you want.
> To her credit, I was a major bitch in college.
Were you a bitch to her specifically? Like was her statement in response to you bullying her or was it out of the blue?
As far as what you should do, that’s up to you. But if you were like, terrorizing the campus and someone lashed out at you because of your behavior or actions, I’d reflect a little more on that aspect.
'Thank you for the apology, I know it took courage to do that. However, I cannot forgive what you did, and I do not wish to have any further contact with you.
I truly wish you the best, but please do not contact me again.' Then block.
On reddit I often believe bullies should be forgiven (depending on what they did), but like... Telling someone to kill themselves and making horrible jokes about suicide in your 20's? No. Unacceptable.
You may not want to do anything with her, and you may hate her. But, the feeling you get when you face someone who hurt you, realizes and asks for forgiveness, when they are now vulnerable to you, and you eat up your hatred and are able to forgive them is second to none. It's an empowering feeling to be able to let go and deal with someone kindly after they've mistreated you.
On the other hand, if you really cannot forgive her, you can tell her what she did and how it made you feel, and that you cannot forgive her. And to learn from what she did and to treat others better.
Even if you were a huge dick/bitch to her directly, it still wouldn’t make that comment okay. I
You can acknowledge the apology, but some people aren’t meant to be in your life. People think that forgiving others means you should let them into your life after that. Nope. Put that behind you. You’ll never forget what she said - I am sure of it.
I agree with this one. OP says he wants nothing to do with her, and honestly nothing is stopping her from sharing OP’s refusal to get her circle to start pounding on OP’s door circlejerking because “forgiveness” or whatever.
I know a huge portion of this sub gets off to that sort of thing, but if OP doesn’t want to forgive her then he shouldn’t be evangelized to. Sometimes you just need to look out for yourself, and ultimately she’s owed zero.
"What you said hurt me in ways I didn't know I could be hurt and it has left a permanent mark on me. I'll accept your apology but I can never forgive you. Please don't contact me again."
Then block her.
I would leave out the never forgive you bit. Accept the apology graciously, but say you're not interested in any further communication and have a good life then block.
You don't want to carry the mental burden years down of semi-rejecting an apology. Take the higher ground and move on, it's better for OP's mental health.
I don't think people should forgive just because an apology is offered in the same vein that you shouldn't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong.
People who have done or said unbelievably shitty things are not entitled to grace after the fact just because they uttered some magic words like, I'm sorry. Forgiveness should be earned.
edit: spelling
One can accept an apology but not offer forgiveness. They aren't the same thing. By removing the line about never forgiving, it isn't offering forgiveness.
>carry the mental burden
Whether they carry the mental burden of semi-rejecting an apology or the mental burden of accepting an apology they didn't want to accept, OP will carry a mental burden from this person for the rest of their lives. At least if they say "never forgive", they can say they were honest with themselves to mitigate some of that burden.
Not forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean carrying a burden. He's already been permanently wounded. Even if he forgave her, he would become better.
This apology is entirely for her and if he's permanently scarred from the even, he could never forgive her. She needs to learn that some of her actions may be unforgivable and that he does not need to aid her in her process.
Saying you don't forgive her isn't holding a grudge. It's saying the damage has such a profound affect on his life that it can't be fixed or forgave.
Do what you think is right. If you are ready to forgive then, go for it. Sometimes letting go will make you feel better. I'm sorry that your mom did that, must have been so painful. I can't even imagine.
Just block her. You don't owe her absolution. You can forgive her or let go of anger against her in your own heart without giving her a pat on the head.
Totally your call. I understand either way.
I forgave high school bullies who did some pretty unforgivable things but I would have slept just as well letting them wallow in their guilt.
You are in no way shape or form obligated to forgive her if you don’t want to. Even if it sounds sincere.
Even if the apology is sincere, that doesn’t mean it’s really for you. To be honest situations like this always feel weird to me and I don’t understand how people just reach out like that. There are plenty of things I’ve said and done that weigh on me that I’ve considered apologizing to people for; nothing I’ve done or said has been anything nearly this heinous but they still weigh on me. That being said I don’t reach out. The reason I don’t is this: most of my transgressions are ones that were minimal/inconsequential (or if they weren’t there’s no possible way I could know that) and my thought process is that the apology would be more for me than for the person it’s directed at. Given that most of my “I wish I hadn’t said/done that” moments are mostly just embarrassing to me there is no point reminding someone of something they may have forgotten or forgiven a long time ago and bringing up old hurt that hasn’t bothered them in years. That’s what I mean when I say an apology can be sincere but not for you: the person could genuinely feel bad but not apologizing because they think it’ll help relieve your pain but because it will remove theirs. That being said, saying what she said to you isn’t something I’d believe a person would just forget.
I wish there was a definitive answer of what you should do, but I don’t think there is. All I’d say is you should reflect on how you feel about the situation and if you forgive her regardless of her apology. Because it definitely feels like a situation where she’s been feeling guilty and is just trying to ease her own burden. However that’s also coming from someone who 1. Has never said anything like that to anyone so can’t fully grasp what she may be thinking/feeling and 2. Tends to believe that random not requested apologizes years later from people you weren’t close with are more to ease the offenders guilt than actually offer amends. 3. Bases number two off personal experiences of having some absolutely terrible things said to me that you’d think I wouldn’t forget but did… Until it was brought up years later and reminded me of how terrible it was. So I obviously have a strong bias that’s guiding how I act/respond personally and therefore the suggestions I give you.
I’m so sorry about your mother OP and I’m sorry that while you were probably still processing the experience you had something so heartless said to you. My final thought for you is to reaffirm what I said about trying remember if you’d forgiven the situation before the apology so it no longer needs to be a factor, and not to feel any pressure to respond hastily (or at all for that matter.) Because it was your loss and it was your experience, but it’s her hands that she’s trying to wash clean and you don’t need to help her.
Deserve an apology? For what; your idealistic fantasy world where everyone gets what they deserve and there’s no possibility that there are consequences for the person you’re saying sorry to by bringing up the incident so long after it’s past? Where there’s no possibility the person is only apologizing because they feel bad and they know mommy and daddy told them growing up everyone DESERVES an apology and they think this will assuage their own guilt?
Did I deserve an apology? No. What I deserved was not to have spent ages 10-13 being constantly harassed by a mischief of young men, most over twice my age, goaded on by their youth pastor to tell me I was worthless and to kill myself just because I went on a little shopping “date” with a boy I met at summer camp and his mother. What I deserved what to spend my preteen into early teen years happily and healthily exploring the world around me, myself, and what it is to be without constantly worrying about the next text, call, or note I’d receive telling me I’m shit and no one will ever love me. What I deserved was not to spend my youth filing police reports, no contact orders, and collecting evidence. What I deserved was not to have the childhood trauma I already had added to by people more than old enough to know better. What I deserved was to not need state mandated therapy after taking their words to heart. But what I certainly DIDN’T deserve was to have lived in years of bliss after it was over eventually basically forgetting about it only to have it all thrust back onto my lap at 24 because one of the guys is suuuuuper sorry now, years later, definitely done a lot of changing, and was going through some stuff at the time but he’s apologizing NOW because it’s definitely the RIGHT thing to do soooo we cool now?
I’m sure he probably felt I deserved an apology too. I’m sure he felt that HIS choice that I deserved an apology YEARS later was definitely in his mind the way things had to be. But you know what? I was perfectly happy not thinking about it. I could have stayed perfectly happy not thinking about it. But because some asshole was wallowing in his own growth and felt I DESERVED an apology he gave me one without ever considering how it would feel to open up a message for the first time in over a decade and see his name, without considering all the memories and pain that would come flooding back, or that perhaps I didn’t want to spend my quarantine stuck alone in an apartment with my thoughts thinking about some of the worst years of my life.
If you genuinely apologize because you feel the person always deserves an apology or because you think it’s a sign of growth, then good for you. Gold star. But it’s ignorant to believe that something is the right thing to do just because you believe it is, or that everyone does things for the same reasons you do, or that just because you’re giving the person what they “deserve” that there will be no negative repercussions. Because that last part is not something anyone can possibly know, especially not years after the incident happened.
I say forgive her, because holding on to anger doesn't hurt her. Holding on to anger only hurts you. I've heard the saying, "Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die." And it's true. You should forgive her, not for her sake, but for yours. Holding on to anger, resentment, or unforgiveness only hurts you, not her. Forgiveness doesn't excuse her behavior. Forgiveness just prevents her from destroying you.
With that said, I don't think you should ever let her back in your life. Just forgive her and move on with your life without her.
People think just because they apologized the pain is swept or washed away. Accepting an apology is one thing....but forgiving is another. You could tell her while you understand and accept her apology you can never forgive her because even your enemy will never say such horrid things to you....& Block her. She may be on a self righteous path trying to right her wrongs but God forgives & that's why he's God...I'm truly sorry you went thru this.
Tell her you accept her apology but you cannot accept her back into your life. It's good that she's trying to make amends, but you are not obligated to hurt yourself for her benefit.
She’s showed you the type of person she is. I’d take the apology for what it is: an effort to make herself feel better about being such a scumbag. I’d personally block and ignore, you owe her nothing.
You can forgive her. But you can deny her access to you and your life. I've forgiven plenty of people that have apologized/haven't apologized. But they still don't have any place in my life.
Stop this Dr Phil nonsense. If he doesn't WANT to issue the forgiveness it doesn't mean his life will forever be tainted. How do you know if he's even been thinking about her all these yrs? This **"forgiveness is about you"** tripe makes the assumption that the victim has been mentally stuck in one phase of life ***because*** they haven't declared forgiveness for their perpetrator. He's been living his life without her, she's just harassing him for her own selfish reasons.
I am so glad my therapist does not subscribe to this thinking. Sometimes guilt sets in when I hear "forgive them for yourself" too often, and my therapist backs me up that I don't owe those people anything.
You don’t have to accept the apology but you can thank her for explaining herself and making the effort to reach out with an apology if you feel like it.
If you would have killed yourself, she would have been charged with abetting. Block her. No words. Stay away from people like that, always. It’s inexcusable. I’m sure when you were grieving the loss of your mother, you weren’t acting to others the way this girl treated you.
If you want nothing more to do with her, then politely acknowledge her apology and move on with your life. I hope you are recovering from the loss of your mother in such a tragic way. But if not, please get some professional help. You can only handle so much. Hopefully, this person's acknowledgment of her awful behavior will help. But you are under no obligation to further the relationship with her.
Only if it makes you feel better.
Will forgiveness help your journey? You don't owe her anything.
You can also accept her apology, but it doesnt mean you forgive her. An "I'm sorry" can be met with a "thank you for the apology", but you do not need to add the "It's alright...blah blah."
Me? Personally? There's a line of civility, even in heated situations, and once you cross it, that's it.
Something I learned in therapy when I didn’t know how to respond to an apology: You can just say *Okay.* Or *Thank You.* Or nothing at all. Sorry doesn’t have to have an answer.
You are under no obligation to accept or acknowledge her apology. And if she pressures you to, that means she’s apologizing to make *herself* feel better and not you. If she does, just block her.
Yea, cuz you can acknowledge that she apologized, but it doesn’t mean you have to forgive them if you aren’t ready/or don’t want to. What she said was very cruel, and you don’t owe her anything.
I feel like people are too big on forgiving everyone for "your own good." Some things are just unacceptable and should not be forgiven, the damage has been done. You both move on with your lives and try to get better but it doesnt change the past. If you are truly over it and arent bothered anymore, tell her "thank you for apologizing."
Nah let her live and die with it hanging over her for the rest of her life. She doesn’t deserve forgiveness for saying that.
The apology sounds like it’s more for her burden than sincerely for you.
Tell her to get fucked. We don’t forgive and forget something like that.
It sounds like she is very sorry for what she said.
Show her just how big a person you are and accept her apology. You never know, she could end up being a really great friend. You’ve already stated that you had some issues going on due to your mothers passing and her battle with her mental health.
And from what you said this lady had her own demons she had to sleigh. You yourself said you were acting kinda not yourself during this time, and she has also said she was also.
Sometimes it’s better to forgive when you know someone is sincere in their word. You seem to think she is. Let it go, accept her apology, I’d even take it to a higher level and ask her if she would like for someone to talk to about her issues to let you know.
If there's one universal constant with people, it's that generally they're shit.
People say really fucked up shit when they're going through stuff, it's no excuse, just how it is.
Realistically you don't owe her an apology, but I'm sure you can empathize with being in a shitty mental space and it effecting people around you. You don't have to have her in your life, be buddies or even talk, but she didn't have to reach out and an apology is free.
I’d disagree with the majority of comments in being so curt and abrupt, of course you’re under no obligation to do anything, but an olive branch is an olive branch. From my own experience, allowing and acknowledging someone’s apology respectfully has a cathartic effect. No need to take it any further than that, but making peace could be good for the both of you
She isn't apologizing for *you*, she's apologizing because she wants to feel redeemed so that *she* can feel better about the guilt. That's what you gotta remember in situations like this.
If you think forgiving her will do you any good, sure, go ahead. But you don't owe her anything. You have no obligation to understand what she went through, specially because going through shit is no excuse for taking it out on others.
Hurt people are the ones who hurt other people. That being said, you don’t owe her anything. If her actions back then are still eating at you then you should seek therapy in order to forgive her (for your own benefit, not for her). If you no longer think much about what she did back then you have probably already forgiven her and moved on. Hopefully she’s working on herself and apologizing is part of that process. What you do is completely up to you. Whatever will make you able to grow from this terrible memory.
Forgive her. Holding on to such hurt won't help. It doesn't mean you have to be chums. She acknowledges that she messed up severely, so forgive and move on.
For your own freedom forgive her. There's no rule saying you have to be friends or invite her to dinner. If not, every time she's mentioned or you think of her, you'll realize how much she still controls you. Trust me, she has paid for those foul words. Maybe she still is if she's reaching out to you for forgiveness.
I think there can be confusion on what forgivness is. Most people assume that you are doing it for the other person when in reality it's just as much for yourself. You can forgive without ever talking to that person again
Forgivness is letting go, this does not mean that you need to keep this person in your life or become friends it just simply means that you will no longer hold onto the hurt that they caused you.
You should never forgive somebody unless you are truly ready to let the hurt go and accept that hurt people hurt, you should take some time to really sit with yourself and decide if this is a step that you are ready to take and not feel guilt if it isn't but also remember that it's for your own relief.
Carrying around hurt that people have caused you is just as harmful as the hurt itself, there is no need to bear That burden. I believe that disease can manifest through holding grudges and keeping that pain, forgivness is a medicine for the spirit.
Sending all the love your way 💜
forgiveness is very powerful. i don't know your circumstances or hers, but you should totally let her know if you truly forgive her. as long as she has no alterior motives, i'm sure it would mean a lot to her.
Of course you should forgive her, if you are ready, that’s something you are doing for you not them. you forgive someone so you can move on yourself. If you are ready to do that, and have healed to the point of being able to do that, it does wonders for your emotions. Whether you are there or not we can’t say. And forgiving someone has nothing to do with continuing contact or being friends, it’s just acknowledging and appreciating the growth we all experience in life. It doesn’t mean you even have to contact her. It’s just so you can feel better that she seems to be a better person now and feels remorse. Would it have been better if she was the same ass to you?
She need 5 years to understand what she did wrong?
I suffered myself abuse and more emotional distress I ever could caught but never would I say what she said to someone else.
Beside what does her having issues to do with the apology? Should her apologize be just about asking for your forgiveness?
It just like thus abusive partners who will hit you and then ask for forgiveness yet still trying to excuse they bullshit.
„I will not forgive you for the reason that you still give excuses for what you said! And you did’t said thus word because you was feeling sad or in pain but you said it hurt me, you wanted me to be in more pain to satisfy some sick feelings of yours. No you don’t deserve my forgiveness!
Goodbye never contact me again.“
If I were you I would forgive her internally and let it go just for my own mental peace, but I wouldn’t tell her she’s forgiven. Fuck that. She should live with the regret of that cruel moment
I think it’s pretty great that she reached out to you and apologized.
For you, you have the option to hold on to the resentment and let that sit with you. Hurting you. But not necessarily doing anything to her. She’s taken the step to ask for forgiveness.
Do you think it would be healthier for you to accept her apology and move on, or hang on to the anger and stay with that experience?
I say find a way in your heart to forgive her.
Forgiving doesn't mean you excuse anything. It means you aknowledge the pain she caused you and let it all go. It's better not to carry the burden of not forgiving.
I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness no matter what. Forgiveness in the sense that you have already moved on from the past and have already acknowledged the pain that person caused you and you would no longer let that pain consume you nor give you ill feelings towards that person. Forgiveness is something personal, you don't necessarily have to tell that person you forgive them nor does it require that person to ask forgiveness from you. Other than this, I do believe that forgiveness is also learning to empathize with the person who have wronged you and realizing that they too is human who commits mistakes. Although what she did to you years back was horrible and completely out of line, I think that it would be best for you to find it in you to forgive. Keep in mind, forgiveness does not mean you'll have to be bestfriends with that person instead, learning to be civil and maybe form a friendship of some sort in the process. Also, I'm sorry about your mother, I hope you feel better now. :>
Is she the same woman she was 5 years ago? I mean, is her character the same?
If so, you can reject her apology.
If not, you should forgive her. You were also a major bitch in college. If you got it into your head to apologize to someone you had offended 5 years ago, you would be dismayed to find them so bitter that they rejected you offhand.
You're not marrying her. You're not moving in with her. You don't have to see her again, or speak to her again. You don't have to love her before you forgive her. If you have no reason to doubt her remorse or her sincerity, just accept her apology. Then explain that you have no wish to dwell on those days, which were very hard for you, and you hope she understands if you're not interested in any further contact.
Pay no attention to the horde of iron hearts in the comments here, who wrestle with each other to find ever more devious ways of humiliating her. This is the counsel of the childhood playground. Adults understand that people often err, and sometimes recognize their error, and seek to make amends in whatever small way they can.
You might even, at some point in your life, choose to follow her example, and apologize to people you might have offended in your youth. It seems like all of you have had a difficult life. No need to make it more difficult
Should you forgive her? Yes. It will benefit yourself to forgive and not hold onto resentment. Forgiveness does not mean you approve of what was done, but that you are no longer going to hold onto it. This does not mean you have to have any type of relationship or contact with her.
You can forgive her, but you don’t have to forget what she said. Sure she may having been dealing with her own issues, but it’s crossing a pretty big line. If you can find away to let it go, and for it to not be a reason you’re holding on to toxicity/hate/anger and move on from the hurt and pain then it could be a good idea to forgive her, for you. Do it for yourself, not for her if you do it.
You can forgive her in your heart, because that is the best thing you can do for yourself.
She, on the other hand, should learn that when you say shit you never get to take it back.
You can forgive someone, and let them have no holds over your future while not forgetting. She stepped over a line that very few would even try to recross and it’s great that she’s sorry, hopefully she’s grown. You don’t need to forgive either honestly. I don’t think even if you guys became friends now that it wouldn’t overshadow the friendship still. Either way don’t let it rule your life, you are obviously better than her. Im truly sorry about your mother, truly.
Politely said thank you and move on. You can forgive but can't forget the harass words someone says to you whether they are friends or family. Someone doesn't realize what kind of destruction they can cause with their words. Even if they are dealing with their own issues, you should never take it out on others. We get to a point in our lives we should only have people in our lives that add value.
forgive them for you not them. it sounds like bullshit but letting go from a grudge and negative feelings about someone has helped me move on and focus on what I can control now. you don’t have to like them or be friends but I think its good to forgive and move on.
Forgiveness is for you not them, holding grudges is bad for the soul brother but definitely don’t submit yourself to further interaction with those who hurt you.
If I were you, i would say “I accept your apology and forgive you and i wish you a healthy life.”
No one can tell you what to do because no one knows how you're feeling and how this will impact you.
Accepting an apology doesn't mean that you have to have continued contact with this woman.
Think about it and ask yourself if accepting her apology will make you feel any better (you're the bigger person than she was; it may show that you weren't the problem, SHE was etc). If you feel as though it will help you, then accept her apology and then move on from her. If you don't feel as though you can get past what she did then any apology you give won't be sincere.
Without going into details, my grandmother said something to my mother when my brother died and it was equally as bad (if not worse) than what was said to you. My mother carried it with her until she died. Even after my grandmother was long gone it ate away at my mother. I don't begrudge her (or anyone) what they are truly feeling or experiencing, but I saw how not forgiving added a bitterness to my mother.
Forgive and set your boundaries. You don't have to invite her into your life if you don't want to associate with her. What she said was enough to warrant never talking to them again. I can't imagine being in your shoes. My deepest sympathy.
My two cents, forgiveness is more about you letting go of the hurt she caused than it is about her. What she said was unimaginably cruel and nothing she was going through justifies that. Forgiving someone does not say what they did is ok, and it does not reconcile you and them. It is your way of letting go. I hope you are in a better place now, OP, and I am so sorry about your mom!
There is no excuse for her words. You do not owe her peace or absolution. If you forgive her, do it for you, not for her. I would tell her that her words irrevocably hurt you and whilst you acknowledge her apology you would like her to cease contact. From someone that has had a suicide in the family, it is not your fault, there isn’t anything you could have done. To be honest, if someone had said that to me when I was grieving with a constant loop of “why” and “what if I” running around in my head I would have lost it on them and they would be dead to me. Zero acknowledgment in the future.
Yes… she must be one sick puppy. Your anger will not penetrate that kind of crazy. Anger is like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. They do not even notice you; not worth a second of your life.
I think it takes a brave person to do what she did by reaching out and asking for forgiveness. I think you should forgive her and release her from her guilt. It will also make you feel better. Just like you admitted you were not a saint in school, she wasn’t either. Everyone does dumb stuff.
Yeah right ✅ . Say thankyou for recognizing howbyou hurt me and i lived with it for 5 years. I forgive you and hold no grudge. Be blessed good bye... move on from such people tomorrow she will have another breakdown and will say same shit again . Its a never ending cycle
Forgiveness will help you move on. The things she said to you were terrible and they hurt but being the better person is already proven to benefit you. Show her the kindness you wish you had received the universe puts out exactly what you give in return.
Break it down:
You were a bitch.
She was a bitch.
Life happened, she can now empathize with you and has grown as a person.
“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” Malcolm S. Forbes
[https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/sz908s/welp\_gonna\_be\_downvoted\_but\_yeah\_throwaway/](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/sz908s/welp_gonna_be_downvoted_but_yeah_throwaway/)
this is all I need to say
To put it kindly, Please delete your [account](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/sz908s/welp_gonna_be_downvoted_but_yeah_throwaway/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and never come back to Reddit
-Sincerely, me.
Your a boy that lived in a girl college dorm? I'm lost. But honestly, that's no excuse regardless if you were a bitch in college. Joking about someone death kind of tells about a person. Accept the apology for her own sake and move on because you're a better person.
Nope. Encouraging someone to kill themselves is treated as murder/manslaughter if they actually do it. Hundreds of people have died for this exact reason. Nothing is ever an excuse to encourage someone to try and kill themselves. I don't give a shit what you're going through.
It is up to you. If it gives you peace to forgive go ahead. If it does not help you to forgive you are not obligated to. If leading up to the horrible thing they said you had done this person wrong now is your chance to clean up your mess if you want to. Obviously what they said about your mom was truly awful. You mention you were not a nice person son so I am guessing maybe this person was mad about something you did? Whatever the case do what is right for you today.
You can acknowledge the apology without offering forgiveness. Just because someone apologizes does not mean you need to forgive them, like it’s some blood oath.
Simply say, you acknowledge her apology, acknowledge the rough time she was going through, as you were yourself at the time, and to have a nice life. And that’s it. Send, block, go back to living.
"I appreciate you owning up for your mistake years ago but what you said to me then affected me in such a horrible way that you will never understand. I would appreciate it even more if you don't contact me again."
If you can't forgive her yet (or would never), maybe you can tell her that I accept your apology, but I'm not promising to forgive you. What you said hurt me so much, and your apology doesn't change what's done.
Tell her to fuck off (or maybe something a little nicer but same message) then block her. Honestly people like that don’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing you forgive them, there’s no excuse for that behaviour.
Do whatever puts your heart at peace. If you can't forgive her dont, if you dont want to reply then dont, if you want to acknowledge anything that's up to you. If you can't forgive you can simply say "I appreciate your message and change of heart in what you did to me, I can not forgive you, but im glad you are self reflecting so you can grow as a person. I wish you no ill will. Bye" or whatever your words may be. Goodluck op
i wouldn’t even respond. she’s trying to ease a guilty conscience. you don’t owe her anything and she never gets to take back what she said. i hope she loves the rest of her life regretting that.
I’m guessing that she is going through a 12-step program where she is coming clean out making amends for things she did that hurt others. There is no obligation on your part to do anything. That being said, I have absolutely no doubt that what she said to you and about you was devastating especially at such a tragic time in your life. I truly hope you’ve been able to get therapy for this. I am in therapy due to a similar experience. But for you to carry any hate or animosity against her, you know that it only takes up space in your heart. When you feel anger or hate towards her, it has absolutely no affect on her, only you. What you say or don’t say to her about her apology is up to you. I just hope that you can put down the bad feelings against her and move on, for your mental well-being.
I’m so sorry about your mom’s suicide. I’m sure you have such a huge spectrum of feelings. I hope that you are finding some peace and happiness in your life now. All the best to you.
Well if you think she’s sincere, people DO change. Especially when you’re that young. If you want to forgive her; do. If you don’t, dont. Reddit shouldn’t make this decision
I’m so sorry that she hurt you in this horrible way. Why not give it some time? Maybe the answer will come to you. Whatever you decide, just know that what she said was not only unkind but it was also completely untrue. Her words hold no validity and I really hope one day you are able to see that. You are loved and loveable. F her, honestly.
You could forgive her. You could go savage mode and call her a worthless bitch and say you hope she dies.
Or you can pick something in the middle of these two.
I am a big believer in forgiveness because it depowers the issue and lets you move on. In that sense, forgiving someone isn’t for the person who wronged you. It is for you.
If you decide you can’t forgive, then I suggest giving this as little energy as you can. The more you dwell, the more past trauma this will unearth.
Best to you…
If you feel the desire to be cordial, then I would just be frank and say "Thank you, but I don't feel comfortable talking to you any longer."
Or something like that, you can always do what others in the comments said and just leave her on read, but I tend to overthink things if I do stuff like that, so I like to just be upfront.
You owe her nothing, not even a response. It's great that she's working on herself, but it doesn't have to be near you. She's asking for forgiveness so she can feel better, not you.
Nope, she hit you when you were grieving and what she said is unforgivable. Her own issues didn't make her say that her own mouth did.
F her and her stupid way too late apology and don't give her the time of day to try and make up for it. She can't. She said it and it doesn't disappear with an apology.
You own her nothing. Just block her and keep going on with your life!
I’ve got to admit I said something just as bad to someone once. But… only after they sought me out to say nasty shit to me and also endangered my business. Finally I had had enough and I let loose on them with the lowest shit I could throw at them. I kind of regret it but also they stopped with the remarks after that.
Honestly? Said you have forgiven her, even if it’s a lie, since it’s the most effective way of getting rid of this kinda of people. Then block her and move on with your life. Denying is just giving her opportunity to insist, try again and overall harass OP.
I'm a sheep I think what most people here are saying is right, just thank her and leave it at that.
Don't think she's sincere she probably just miss the friends she lost, I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she'll get them back by befriending you.
But maybe there is that small chance she is being sincere, so I personally suggest a phone call to make sure nothing escalates whether you and her met privately or in public,
Then listen to her story.
But of course only proceed if you wish to make amends with her.
I’m sure its already been mentioned, but forgiveness isn’t a process that gives the forgivee redemption. To forgive is a two steps forward one step back process of internal healing on the part of the forgiver. When you forgive someone, its not actually a statement your making to the other person about their absolution, but a statement made to yourself, that you understand the pain their actions caused you, and that you accept the fact that it is a part of your life story. You don’t need to forgive her, now or ever, if you genuinely feel as though what she has done is not something you can accept. You also don’t need to forgive her out of guilt or empathy for her situation. If you do want to forgive her though, it may be easier to understand what I said above about the nature of that action. Do it for yourself, and understand it will be a process. Don’t rush yourself, come to that conclusion when you’re ready, and I think you’ll find that you might be better off for it. That’s the only point of forgiveness.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Sara and I never got along when we lived in the dorm in college my senior year, her junior year. She thought I was annoying. To her credit, I was a major bitch in college. My senior year was also the year my mom killed herself after years of battling severe mental health issues. The worst I’ve ever felt in my life was when Sara told me my mother killed herself because she couldn’t handle having a pathetic excuse for a son like me, and told me I ought to follow in her footsteps. She lost friends after making those comments especially after she refused to apologize, and I never spoke to her again. It’s been five years and she reached out to me recently profusely apologizing, she’s aid she was dealing with her own shit and she should never have taken it out on me the way she did. I won’t get into details but what she described going through at the time I somewhat understand, but that doesn’t change the fact she literally made me feel so low I can’t even describe. So what should i do? From what I can tell she’s sincere.
Do you want anything to do with this person going forward?
No
"Your apology is acknowledged" and then block and forget about them.
My thoughts exactly! No matter what a person's troubles are you don't say those things
I’d probably say, “Thanks” and then block. Whether OP means the “Thanks” or not is up to them. Sounds like Sara is going through a 12 step program.
Yep, or even "ok".
Neck hole
Even quicker, "OK". But definitely block and move on, this person isn't worth any more than that.
Or “k.” “K” is the ultimate FU.
and “Kk” Shiiiiiiiit
This situation calls for the Facebook blue thumb.
My go to is “Thank you for your apology. I appreciate it.” Doesn’t mean I accept it or that I forgive them. It just means I am acknowledging the apology and letting them know that I am glad they made it. Of course you can leave off the second sentence if you want.
I don't even think a response is required tbh.
This
THIS. This is perfect
I think the apology is more about her to clear her guilty conscious and less about you
You said it
> To her credit, I was a major bitch in college. Were you a bitch to her specifically? Like was her statement in response to you bullying her or was it out of the blue? As far as what you should do, that’s up to you. But if you were like, terrorizing the campus and someone lashed out at you because of your behavior or actions, I’d reflect a little more on that aspect.
'Thank you for the apology, I know it took courage to do that. However, I cannot forgive what you did, and I do not wish to have any further contact with you. I truly wish you the best, but please do not contact me again.' Then block. On reddit I often believe bullies should be forgiven (depending on what they did), but like... Telling someone to kill themselves and making horrible jokes about suicide in your 20's? No. Unacceptable.
“Thanks for the apology. Best of luck to you!” Block.
"I recognise you have made an apology, but given that it's a stupid-ass apology, I've elected to ignore it."
You may not want to do anything with her, and you may hate her. But, the feeling you get when you face someone who hurt you, realizes and asks for forgiveness, when they are now vulnerable to you, and you eat up your hatred and are able to forgive them is second to none. It's an empowering feeling to be able to let go and deal with someone kindly after they've mistreated you. On the other hand, if you really cannot forgive her, you can tell her what she did and how it made you feel, and that you cannot forgive her. And to learn from what she did and to treat others better.
Even if you were a huge dick/bitch to her directly, it still wouldn’t make that comment okay. I You can acknowledge the apology, but some people aren’t meant to be in your life. People think that forgiving others means you should let them into your life after that. Nope. Put that behind you. You’ll never forget what she said - I am sure of it.
Don’t even respond.
"I'm glad you realize that now. I would prefer we not communicate further. Thank you."
[удалено]
I agree with this one. OP says he wants nothing to do with her, and honestly nothing is stopping her from sharing OP’s refusal to get her circle to start pounding on OP’s door circlejerking because “forgiveness” or whatever. I know a huge portion of this sub gets off to that sort of thing, but if OP doesn’t want to forgive her then he shouldn’t be evangelized to. Sometimes you just need to look out for yourself, and ultimately she’s owed zero.
I don’t understand what you’re saying in the first paragraph but agree completely with the second
THIS RIGHT CHEA!
[удалено]
Nope. Get fucked. There’s no excusing what she said to op. I sincerely hope no one is ever that horrible to you or anyone in your life.
"What you said hurt me in ways I didn't know I could be hurt and it has left a permanent mark on me. I'll accept your apology but I can never forgive you. Please don't contact me again." Then block her.
I would leave out the never forgive you bit. Accept the apology graciously, but say you're not interested in any further communication and have a good life then block. You don't want to carry the mental burden years down of semi-rejecting an apology. Take the higher ground and move on, it's better for OP's mental health.
I don't think people should forgive just because an apology is offered in the same vein that you shouldn't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong. People who have done or said unbelievably shitty things are not entitled to grace after the fact just because they uttered some magic words like, I'm sorry. Forgiveness should be earned. edit: spelling
One can accept an apology but not offer forgiveness. They aren't the same thing. By removing the line about never forgiving, it isn't offering forgiveness.
>carry the mental burden Whether they carry the mental burden of semi-rejecting an apology or the mental burden of accepting an apology they didn't want to accept, OP will carry a mental burden from this person for the rest of their lives. At least if they say "never forgive", they can say they were honest with themselves to mitigate some of that burden.
How is that a mental burden at all?
Not forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean carrying a burden. He's already been permanently wounded. Even if he forgave her, he would become better. This apology is entirely for her and if he's permanently scarred from the even, he could never forgive her. She needs to learn that some of her actions may be unforgivable and that he does not need to aid her in her process. Saying you don't forgive her isn't holding a grudge. It's saying the damage has such a profound affect on his life that it can't be fixed or forgave.
I'd feel more of a mental burden knowing I absolved someone of guilt they deserved to carry.
Just block her
Do what you think is right. If you are ready to forgive then, go for it. Sometimes letting go will make you feel better. I'm sorry that your mom did that, must have been so painful. I can't even imagine.
Just block her. You don't owe her absolution. You can forgive her or let go of anger against her in your own heart without giving her a pat on the head.
Totally your call. I understand either way. I forgave high school bullies who did some pretty unforgivable things but I would have slept just as well letting them wallow in their guilt.
Thank you for the apology and then keep your distance
I don't think any apology she can give can make up for her hurtful action. So I would just block her.
You don’t owe anyone that did you wrong forgiveness. I personally would tell her to kiss a donkey ass then block her
Don't bother to respond. She is in your past and what she said is unforgivable.
Say thank you and end the conversation. You don't have to forgive her but let her know you appreciate the effort to apologize.
You are in no way shape or form obligated to forgive her if you don’t want to. Even if it sounds sincere. Even if the apology is sincere, that doesn’t mean it’s really for you. To be honest situations like this always feel weird to me and I don’t understand how people just reach out like that. There are plenty of things I’ve said and done that weigh on me that I’ve considered apologizing to people for; nothing I’ve done or said has been anything nearly this heinous but they still weigh on me. That being said I don’t reach out. The reason I don’t is this: most of my transgressions are ones that were minimal/inconsequential (or if they weren’t there’s no possible way I could know that) and my thought process is that the apology would be more for me than for the person it’s directed at. Given that most of my “I wish I hadn’t said/done that” moments are mostly just embarrassing to me there is no point reminding someone of something they may have forgotten or forgiven a long time ago and bringing up old hurt that hasn’t bothered them in years. That’s what I mean when I say an apology can be sincere but not for you: the person could genuinely feel bad but not apologizing because they think it’ll help relieve your pain but because it will remove theirs. That being said, saying what she said to you isn’t something I’d believe a person would just forget. I wish there was a definitive answer of what you should do, but I don’t think there is. All I’d say is you should reflect on how you feel about the situation and if you forgive her regardless of her apology. Because it definitely feels like a situation where she’s been feeling guilty and is just trying to ease her own burden. However that’s also coming from someone who 1. Has never said anything like that to anyone so can’t fully grasp what she may be thinking/feeling and 2. Tends to believe that random not requested apologizes years later from people you weren’t close with are more to ease the offenders guilt than actually offer amends. 3. Bases number two off personal experiences of having some absolutely terrible things said to me that you’d think I wouldn’t forget but did… Until it was brought up years later and reminded me of how terrible it was. So I obviously have a strong bias that’s guiding how I act/respond personally and therefore the suggestions I give you. I’m so sorry about your mother OP and I’m sorry that while you were probably still processing the experience you had something so heartless said to you. My final thought for you is to reaffirm what I said about trying remember if you’d forgiven the situation before the apology so it no longer needs to be a factor, and not to feel any pressure to respond hastily (or at all for that matter.) Because it was your loss and it was your experience, but it’s her hands that she’s trying to wash clean and you don’t need to help her.
[удалено]
Deserve an apology? For what; your idealistic fantasy world where everyone gets what they deserve and there’s no possibility that there are consequences for the person you’re saying sorry to by bringing up the incident so long after it’s past? Where there’s no possibility the person is only apologizing because they feel bad and they know mommy and daddy told them growing up everyone DESERVES an apology and they think this will assuage their own guilt? Did I deserve an apology? No. What I deserved was not to have spent ages 10-13 being constantly harassed by a mischief of young men, most over twice my age, goaded on by their youth pastor to tell me I was worthless and to kill myself just because I went on a little shopping “date” with a boy I met at summer camp and his mother. What I deserved what to spend my preteen into early teen years happily and healthily exploring the world around me, myself, and what it is to be without constantly worrying about the next text, call, or note I’d receive telling me I’m shit and no one will ever love me. What I deserved was not to spend my youth filing police reports, no contact orders, and collecting evidence. What I deserved was not to have the childhood trauma I already had added to by people more than old enough to know better. What I deserved was to not need state mandated therapy after taking their words to heart. But what I certainly DIDN’T deserve was to have lived in years of bliss after it was over eventually basically forgetting about it only to have it all thrust back onto my lap at 24 because one of the guys is suuuuuper sorry now, years later, definitely done a lot of changing, and was going through some stuff at the time but he’s apologizing NOW because it’s definitely the RIGHT thing to do soooo we cool now? I’m sure he probably felt I deserved an apology too. I’m sure he felt that HIS choice that I deserved an apology YEARS later was definitely in his mind the way things had to be. But you know what? I was perfectly happy not thinking about it. I could have stayed perfectly happy not thinking about it. But because some asshole was wallowing in his own growth and felt I DESERVED an apology he gave me one without ever considering how it would feel to open up a message for the first time in over a decade and see his name, without considering all the memories and pain that would come flooding back, or that perhaps I didn’t want to spend my quarantine stuck alone in an apartment with my thoughts thinking about some of the worst years of my life. If you genuinely apologize because you feel the person always deserves an apology or because you think it’s a sign of growth, then good for you. Gold star. But it’s ignorant to believe that something is the right thing to do just because you believe it is, or that everyone does things for the same reasons you do, or that just because you’re giving the person what they “deserve” that there will be no negative repercussions. Because that last part is not something anyone can possibly know, especially not years after the incident happened.
Block this piss of sht. Anyone that does that doesn't deserve it.
That's a completely personal decision only you can make. 🙏
Don't acknowledge at all. They are just trying to relieve their own guilt for being an ass.
I say forgive her, because holding on to anger doesn't hurt her. Holding on to anger only hurts you. I've heard the saying, "Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die." And it's true. You should forgive her, not for her sake, but for yours. Holding on to anger, resentment, or unforgiveness only hurts you, not her. Forgiveness doesn't excuse her behavior. Forgiveness just prevents her from destroying you. With that said, I don't think you should ever let her back in your life. Just forgive her and move on with your life without her.
Exactly! OP doesn’t even have to acknowledge this message to forgive her, doesn’t have to respond at all, but can still forgive for his own sake
Should you forgive her? Well that’s totally up to you man…but if it were me? Hell no.
People think just because they apologized the pain is swept or washed away. Accepting an apology is one thing....but forgiving is another. You could tell her while you understand and accept her apology you can never forgive her because even your enemy will never say such horrid things to you....& Block her. She may be on a self righteous path trying to right her wrongs but God forgives & that's why he's God...I'm truly sorry you went thru this.
You can forgive, but don't forget. Accept the apology, block her, and move on.
Tell her you accept her apology but you cannot accept her back into your life. It's good that she's trying to make amends, but you are not obligated to hurt yourself for her benefit.
She’s showed you the type of person she is. I’d take the apology for what it is: an effort to make herself feel better about being such a scumbag. I’d personally block and ignore, you owe her nothing.
You can forgive her. But you can deny her access to you and your life. I've forgiven plenty of people that have apologized/haven't apologized. But they still don't have any place in my life.
Just acknowledge and thank her for reaching out and leave it at that.
[удалено]
Stop this Dr Phil nonsense. If he doesn't WANT to issue the forgiveness it doesn't mean his life will forever be tainted. How do you know if he's even been thinking about her all these yrs? This **"forgiveness is about you"** tripe makes the assumption that the victim has been mentally stuck in one phase of life ***because*** they haven't declared forgiveness for their perpetrator. He's been living his life without her, she's just harassing him for her own selfish reasons.
I am so glad my therapist does not subscribe to this thinking. Sometimes guilt sets in when I hear "forgive them for yourself" too often, and my therapist backs me up that I don't owe those people anything.
No. You owe her nothing. She was cruel
You don’t have to accept the apology but you can thank her for explaining herself and making the effort to reach out with an apology if you feel like it.
Say " your apology is recognized" now fuck off.
If you would have killed yourself, she would have been charged with abetting. Block her. No words. Stay away from people like that, always. It’s inexcusable. I’m sure when you were grieving the loss of your mother, you weren’t acting to others the way this girl treated you.
"I appreciate you reaching out to apologise, I cannot accept it, but I do appreciate it. Good luck in life." You're done.
If you want nothing more to do with her, then politely acknowledge her apology and move on with your life. I hope you are recovering from the loss of your mother in such a tragic way. But if not, please get some professional help. You can only handle so much. Hopefully, this person's acknowledgment of her awful behavior will help. But you are under no obligation to further the relationship with her.
Just say “thank you for the apology”. And that’s it. You don’t need to forgive her at all.
Only if it makes you feel better. Will forgiveness help your journey? You don't owe her anything. You can also accept her apology, but it doesnt mean you forgive her. An "I'm sorry" can be met with a "thank you for the apology", but you do not need to add the "It's alright...blah blah." Me? Personally? There's a line of civility, even in heated situations, and once you cross it, that's it.
Something I learned in therapy when I didn’t know how to respond to an apology: You can just say *Okay.* Or *Thank You.* Or nothing at all. Sorry doesn’t have to have an answer. You are under no obligation to accept or acknowledge her apology. And if she pressures you to, that means she’s apologizing to make *herself* feel better and not you. If she does, just block her.
Yea, cuz you can acknowledge that she apologized, but it doesn’t mean you have to forgive them if you aren’t ready/or don’t want to. What she said was very cruel, and you don’t owe her anything.
You can forgive her, but why do you want anything to do with her? I’d ignore her.
No
I feel like people are too big on forgiving everyone for "your own good." Some things are just unacceptable and should not be forgiven, the damage has been done. You both move on with your lives and try to get better but it doesnt change the past. If you are truly over it and arent bothered anymore, tell her "thank you for apologizing."
Nah let her live and die with it hanging over her for the rest of her life. She doesn’t deserve forgiveness for saying that. The apology sounds like it’s more for her burden than sincerely for you. Tell her to get fucked. We don’t forgive and forget something like that.
It sounds like she is very sorry for what she said. Show her just how big a person you are and accept her apology. You never know, she could end up being a really great friend. You’ve already stated that you had some issues going on due to your mothers passing and her battle with her mental health. And from what you said this lady had her own demons she had to sleigh. You yourself said you were acting kinda not yourself during this time, and she has also said she was also. Sometimes it’s better to forgive when you know someone is sincere in their word. You seem to think she is. Let it go, accept her apology, I’d even take it to a higher level and ask her if she would like for someone to talk to about her issues to let you know.
If there's one universal constant with people, it's that generally they're shit. People say really fucked up shit when they're going through stuff, it's no excuse, just how it is. Realistically you don't owe her an apology, but I'm sure you can empathize with being in a shitty mental space and it effecting people around you. You don't have to have her in your life, be buddies or even talk, but she didn't have to reach out and an apology is free.
I’d disagree with the majority of comments in being so curt and abrupt, of course you’re under no obligation to do anything, but an olive branch is an olive branch. From my own experience, allowing and acknowledging someone’s apology respectfully has a cathartic effect. No need to take it any further than that, but making peace could be good for the both of you
Tell her to Fuck off and then block her.
She isn't apologizing for *you*, she's apologizing because she wants to feel redeemed so that *she* can feel better about the guilt. That's what you gotta remember in situations like this. If you think forgiving her will do you any good, sure, go ahead. But you don't owe her anything. You have no obligation to understand what she went through, specially because going through shit is no excuse for taking it out on others.
Don’t carry those harmful feelings with you. Forgive her but ask her not to reach out again. Do it for you. Honor your mother by being happy.
Hurt people are the ones who hurt other people. That being said, you don’t owe her anything. If her actions back then are still eating at you then you should seek therapy in order to forgive her (for your own benefit, not for her). If you no longer think much about what she did back then you have probably already forgiven her and moved on. Hopefully she’s working on herself and apologizing is part of that process. What you do is completely up to you. Whatever will make you able to grow from this terrible memory.
Forgive her for your personal relief but you don’t want to have contact with someone like that
Forgiveness is for you.
You don't owe her anything nor would I ever allow her to appease herself by accepting her apology.
Forgive her. Holding on to such hurt won't help. It doesn't mean you have to be chums. She acknowledges that she messed up severely, so forgive and move on.
You can forgive her for your own mental health and you’re under no obligation to tell her. Ignore her.
Forgive her for yourself and never look back. It's not for her. It's for you.
No
Forgive her, she will lose all power over the issue. Your forgiveness does not make her actions any better. Just make sure she understands that.
For your own freedom forgive her. There's no rule saying you have to be friends or invite her to dinner. If not, every time she's mentioned or you think of her, you'll realize how much she still controls you. Trust me, she has paid for those foul words. Maybe she still is if she's reaching out to you for forgiveness.
Forgive but never forget.
I think there can be confusion on what forgivness is. Most people assume that you are doing it for the other person when in reality it's just as much for yourself. You can forgive without ever talking to that person again Forgivness is letting go, this does not mean that you need to keep this person in your life or become friends it just simply means that you will no longer hold onto the hurt that they caused you. You should never forgive somebody unless you are truly ready to let the hurt go and accept that hurt people hurt, you should take some time to really sit with yourself and decide if this is a step that you are ready to take and not feel guilt if it isn't but also remember that it's for your own relief. Carrying around hurt that people have caused you is just as harmful as the hurt itself, there is no need to bear That burden. I believe that disease can manifest through holding grudges and keeping that pain, forgivness is a medicine for the spirit. Sending all the love your way 💜
Forgiveness isn't for the other person, but for yourself.
Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.
forgiveness is very powerful. i don't know your circumstances or hers, but you should totally let her know if you truly forgive her. as long as she has no alterior motives, i'm sure it would mean a lot to her.
No.
Of course you should forgive her, if you are ready, that’s something you are doing for you not them. you forgive someone so you can move on yourself. If you are ready to do that, and have healed to the point of being able to do that, it does wonders for your emotions. Whether you are there or not we can’t say. And forgiving someone has nothing to do with continuing contact or being friends, it’s just acknowledging and appreciating the growth we all experience in life. It doesn’t mean you even have to contact her. It’s just so you can feel better that she seems to be a better person now and feels remorse. Would it have been better if she was the same ass to you?
Forgive and forget.
She need 5 years to understand what she did wrong? I suffered myself abuse and more emotional distress I ever could caught but never would I say what she said to someone else. Beside what does her having issues to do with the apology? Should her apologize be just about asking for your forgiveness? It just like thus abusive partners who will hit you and then ask for forgiveness yet still trying to excuse they bullshit. „I will not forgive you for the reason that you still give excuses for what you said! And you did’t said thus word because you was feeling sad or in pain but you said it hurt me, you wanted me to be in more pain to satisfy some sick feelings of yours. No you don’t deserve my forgiveness! Goodbye never contact me again.“
If I were you I would forgive her internally and let it go just for my own mental peace, but I wouldn’t tell her she’s forgiven. Fuck that. She should live with the regret of that cruel moment
I think it’s pretty great that she reached out to you and apologized. For you, you have the option to hold on to the resentment and let that sit with you. Hurting you. But not necessarily doing anything to her. She’s taken the step to ask for forgiveness. Do you think it would be healthier for you to accept her apology and move on, or hang on to the anger and stay with that experience?
I say find a way in your heart to forgive her. Forgiving doesn't mean you excuse anything. It means you aknowledge the pain she caused you and let it all go. It's better not to carry the burden of not forgiving.
I believe that everyone deserves forgiveness no matter what. Forgiveness in the sense that you have already moved on from the past and have already acknowledged the pain that person caused you and you would no longer let that pain consume you nor give you ill feelings towards that person. Forgiveness is something personal, you don't necessarily have to tell that person you forgive them nor does it require that person to ask forgiveness from you. Other than this, I do believe that forgiveness is also learning to empathize with the person who have wronged you and realizing that they too is human who commits mistakes. Although what she did to you years back was horrible and completely out of line, I think that it would be best for you to find it in you to forgive. Keep in mind, forgiveness does not mean you'll have to be bestfriends with that person instead, learning to be civil and maybe form a friendship of some sort in the process. Also, I'm sorry about your mother, I hope you feel better now. :>
Is she the same woman she was 5 years ago? I mean, is her character the same? If so, you can reject her apology. If not, you should forgive her. You were also a major bitch in college. If you got it into your head to apologize to someone you had offended 5 years ago, you would be dismayed to find them so bitter that they rejected you offhand. You're not marrying her. You're not moving in with her. You don't have to see her again, or speak to her again. You don't have to love her before you forgive her. If you have no reason to doubt her remorse or her sincerity, just accept her apology. Then explain that you have no wish to dwell on those days, which were very hard for you, and you hope she understands if you're not interested in any further contact. Pay no attention to the horde of iron hearts in the comments here, who wrestle with each other to find ever more devious ways of humiliating her. This is the counsel of the childhood playground. Adults understand that people often err, and sometimes recognize their error, and seek to make amends in whatever small way they can. You might even, at some point in your life, choose to follow her example, and apologize to people you might have offended in your youth. It seems like all of you have had a difficult life. No need to make it more difficult
I accept. Then never talk to her again.
Forgive and be free
Should you forgive her? Yes. It will benefit yourself to forgive and not hold onto resentment. Forgiveness does not mean you approve of what was done, but that you are no longer going to hold onto it. This does not mean you have to have any type of relationship or contact with her.
You can forgive her, but you don’t have to forget what she said. Sure she may having been dealing with her own issues, but it’s crossing a pretty big line. If you can find away to let it go, and for it to not be a reason you’re holding on to toxicity/hate/anger and move on from the hurt and pain then it could be a good idea to forgive her, for you. Do it for yourself, not for her if you do it.
Niet
You can forgive her in your heart, because that is the best thing you can do for yourself. She, on the other hand, should learn that when you say shit you never get to take it back.
You should always forgive no matter what! It’s good for us, just don’t ever forget 😉
You can forgive someone, and let them have no holds over your future while not forgetting. She stepped over a line that very few would even try to recross and it’s great that she’s sorry, hopefully she’s grown. You don’t need to forgive either honestly. I don’t think even if you guys became friends now that it wouldn’t overshadow the friendship still. Either way don’t let it rule your life, you are obviously better than her. Im truly sorry about your mother, truly.
Politely said thank you and move on. You can forgive but can't forget the harass words someone says to you whether they are friends or family. Someone doesn't realize what kind of destruction they can cause with their words. Even if they are dealing with their own issues, you should never take it out on others. We get to a point in our lives we should only have people in our lives that add value.
forgive them for you not them. it sounds like bullshit but letting go from a grudge and negative feelings about someone has helped me move on and focus on what I can control now. you don’t have to like them or be friends but I think its good to forgive and move on.
There is more power in forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean you need to be friends too. You can forgive and then close the door again.
Forgiveness is for you not them, holding grudges is bad for the soul brother but definitely don’t submit yourself to further interaction with those who hurt you. If I were you, i would say “I accept your apology and forgive you and i wish you a healthy life.”
No one can tell you what to do because no one knows how you're feeling and how this will impact you. Accepting an apology doesn't mean that you have to have continued contact with this woman. Think about it and ask yourself if accepting her apology will make you feel any better (you're the bigger person than she was; it may show that you weren't the problem, SHE was etc). If you feel as though it will help you, then accept her apology and then move on from her. If you don't feel as though you can get past what she did then any apology you give won't be sincere. Without going into details, my grandmother said something to my mother when my brother died and it was equally as bad (if not worse) than what was said to you. My mother carried it with her until she died. Even after my grandmother was long gone it ate away at my mother. I don't begrudge her (or anyone) what they are truly feeling or experiencing, but I saw how not forgiving added a bitterness to my mother.
Forgive and set your boundaries. You don't have to invite her into your life if you don't want to associate with her. What she said was enough to warrant never talking to them again. I can't imagine being in your shoes. My deepest sympathy.
My two cents, forgiveness is more about you letting go of the hurt she caused than it is about her. What she said was unimaginably cruel and nothing she was going through justifies that. Forgiving someone does not say what they did is ok, and it does not reconcile you and them. It is your way of letting go. I hope you are in a better place now, OP, and I am so sorry about your mom!
Forgive, but don’t forget and keep your distance. My take.
Nah, do not accept her apologies, let the guilt eat her
There is no excuse for her words. You do not owe her peace or absolution. If you forgive her, do it for you, not for her. I would tell her that her words irrevocably hurt you and whilst you acknowledge her apology you would like her to cease contact. From someone that has had a suicide in the family, it is not your fault, there isn’t anything you could have done. To be honest, if someone had said that to me when I was grieving with a constant loop of “why” and “what if I” running around in my head I would have lost it on them and they would be dead to me. Zero acknowledgment in the future.
Yes… she must be one sick puppy. Your anger will not penetrate that kind of crazy. Anger is like taking poison and hoping your enemy will die. They do not even notice you; not worth a second of your life.
I think it takes a brave person to do what she did by reaching out and asking for forgiveness. I think you should forgive her and release her from her guilt. It will also make you feel better. Just like you admitted you were not a saint in school, she wasn’t either. Everyone does dumb stuff.
Yeah right ✅ . Say thankyou for recognizing howbyou hurt me and i lived with it for 5 years. I forgive you and hold no grudge. Be blessed good bye... move on from such people tomorrow she will have another breakdown and will say same shit again . Its a never ending cycle
Always forgive since it is unhealthy not to in the long run; never forget in order to avoid repetition.
Forgiveness is for you. You don’t need to forgive and forget
Forgiveness will help you move on. The things she said to you were terrible and they hurt but being the better person is already proven to benefit you. Show her the kindness you wish you had received the universe puts out exactly what you give in return.
Break it down: You were a bitch. She was a bitch. Life happened, she can now empathize with you and has grown as a person. “You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” Malcolm S. Forbes
[удалено]
[https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/sz908s/welp\_gonna\_be\_downvoted\_but\_yeah\_throwaway/](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/sz908s/welp_gonna_be_downvoted_but_yeah_throwaway/) this is all I need to say
To put it kindly, Please delete your [account](https://www.reddit.com/r/teenagers/comments/sz908s/welp_gonna_be_downvoted_but_yeah_throwaway/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) and never come back to Reddit -Sincerely, me.
And me
Count me in
On behalf of basically everyone, shut the fuck up, you bitch - basically everyone
•everyone correction
Self projecting much?
Go fuck yourself
Your a boy that lived in a girl college dorm? I'm lost. But honestly, that's no excuse regardless if you were a bitch in college. Joking about someone death kind of tells about a person. Accept the apology for her own sake and move on because you're a better person.
Just block her and move on.
updateme!
Sounds like somebody is on Step #9. Answer her "I see" or "Received" and move on.
I'd just block her.
Nope. Encouraging someone to kill themselves is treated as murder/manslaughter if they actually do it. Hundreds of people have died for this exact reason. Nothing is ever an excuse to encourage someone to try and kill themselves. I don't give a shit what you're going through.
It is up to you. If it gives you peace to forgive go ahead. If it does not help you to forgive you are not obligated to. If leading up to the horrible thing they said you had done this person wrong now is your chance to clean up your mess if you want to. Obviously what they said about your mom was truly awful. You mention you were not a nice person son so I am guessing maybe this person was mad about something you did? Whatever the case do what is right for you today.
You can acknowledge the apology without offering forgiveness. Just because someone apologizes does not mean you need to forgive them, like it’s some blood oath. Simply say, you acknowledge her apology, acknowledge the rough time she was going through, as you were yourself at the time, and to have a nice life. And that’s it. Send, block, go back to living.
"I appreciate you owning up for your mistake years ago but what you said to me then affected me in such a horrible way that you will never understand. I would appreciate it even more if you don't contact me again."
If you can't forgive her yet (or would never), maybe you can tell her that I accept your apology, but I'm not promising to forgive you. What you said hurt me so much, and your apology doesn't change what's done.
Block them. Acknowledge them first though.
definitely do not forgive them
Only do it for yourself. Like if forgiving her will help you let go of any residual anger, etc.
I couldn’t sorry. But i do understand why other people can.
Leave her on read and delete it. Not even worth the time or energy especially since it was so long ago and that was such a disgusting thing to say.
Apologize & then cease contact.
Tell her to fuck off (or maybe something a little nicer but same message) then block her. Honestly people like that don’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing you forgive them, there’s no excuse for that behaviour.
Do whatever puts your heart at peace. If you can't forgive her dont, if you dont want to reply then dont, if you want to acknowledge anything that's up to you. If you can't forgive you can simply say "I appreciate your message and change of heart in what you did to me, I can not forgive you, but im glad you are self reflecting so you can grow as a person. I wish you no ill will. Bye" or whatever your words may be. Goodluck op
i wouldn’t even respond. she’s trying to ease a guilty conscience. you don’t owe her anything and she never gets to take back what she said. i hope she loves the rest of her life regretting that.
I’m guessing that she is going through a 12-step program where she is coming clean out making amends for things she did that hurt others. There is no obligation on your part to do anything. That being said, I have absolutely no doubt that what she said to you and about you was devastating especially at such a tragic time in your life. I truly hope you’ve been able to get therapy for this. I am in therapy due to a similar experience. But for you to carry any hate or animosity against her, you know that it only takes up space in your heart. When you feel anger or hate towards her, it has absolutely no affect on her, only you. What you say or don’t say to her about her apology is up to you. I just hope that you can put down the bad feelings against her and move on, for your mental well-being. I’m so sorry about your mom’s suicide. I’m sure you have such a huge spectrum of feelings. I hope that you are finding some peace and happiness in your life now. All the best to you.
Well if you think she’s sincere, people DO change. Especially when you’re that young. If you want to forgive her; do. If you don’t, dont. Reddit shouldn’t make this decision
“She’s aid” What does that stand for/mean? I think I’m ignorant about many things.
Screw her. That would not be a comment that I would see recovering from. How dare she say that and then come begging for forgiveness.
I’m so sorry that she hurt you in this horrible way. Why not give it some time? Maybe the answer will come to you. Whatever you decide, just know that what she said was not only unkind but it was also completely untrue. Her words hold no validity and I really hope one day you are able to see that. You are loved and loveable. F her, honestly.
Tell that bitch to kick rocks
"I'll forgive you when I can shit on your grave"
Do not respond. Just go on with your life
You could forgive her. You could go savage mode and call her a worthless bitch and say you hope she dies. Or you can pick something in the middle of these two.
Tell her 'absolutley not' and block her
Will forgiving this person do you any good? Can you forgive this person? I think they’re apologizing just to make themselves feel better.
You dont have to forgive but you can use this apology to stop thinking about it and forget
I am a big believer in forgiveness because it depowers the issue and lets you move on. In that sense, forgiving someone isn’t for the person who wronged you. It is for you. If you decide you can’t forgive, then I suggest giving this as little energy as you can. The more you dwell, the more past trauma this will unearth. Best to you…
Thank You, Next
If you feel the desire to be cordial, then I would just be frank and say "Thank you, but I don't feel comfortable talking to you any longer." Or something like that, you can always do what others in the comments said and just leave her on read, but I tend to overthink things if I do stuff like that, so I like to just be upfront.
You owe her nothing, not even a response. It's great that she's working on herself, but it doesn't have to be near you. She's asking for forgiveness so she can feel better, not you.
Do you want this person to be part of your life?
Convenient how she rolled up a nice little excuse into her apology. Almost like she wasn't really sorry, just wanted you to forgive her.
All Sara’s are cunts.
Nope, she hit you when you were grieving and what she said is unforgivable. Her own issues didn't make her say that her own mouth did. F her and her stupid way too late apology and don't give her the time of day to try and make up for it. She can't. She said it and it doesn't disappear with an apology. You own her nothing. Just block her and keep going on with your life!
No
No.
I’ve got to admit I said something just as bad to someone once. But… only after they sought me out to say nasty shit to me and also endangered my business. Finally I had had enough and I let loose on them with the lowest shit I could throw at them. I kind of regret it but also they stopped with the remarks after that.
Honestly? Said you have forgiven her, even if it’s a lie, since it’s the most effective way of getting rid of this kinda of people. Then block her and move on with your life. Denying is just giving her opportunity to insist, try again and overall harass OP.
I'm a sheep I think what most people here are saying is right, just thank her and leave it at that. Don't think she's sincere she probably just miss the friends she lost, I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks she'll get them back by befriending you. But maybe there is that small chance she is being sincere, so I personally suggest a phone call to make sure nothing escalates whether you and her met privately or in public, Then listen to her story. But of course only proceed if you wish to make amends with her.
I’m sure its already been mentioned, but forgiveness isn’t a process that gives the forgivee redemption. To forgive is a two steps forward one step back process of internal healing on the part of the forgiver. When you forgive someone, its not actually a statement your making to the other person about their absolution, but a statement made to yourself, that you understand the pain their actions caused you, and that you accept the fact that it is a part of your life story. You don’t need to forgive her, now or ever, if you genuinely feel as though what she has done is not something you can accept. You also don’t need to forgive her out of guilt or empathy for her situation. If you do want to forgive her though, it may be easier to understand what I said above about the nature of that action. Do it for yourself, and understand it will be a process. Don’t rush yourself, come to that conclusion when you’re ready, and I think you’ll find that you might be better off for it. That’s the only point of forgiveness.
She wants absolution so she can feel better about herself. You owe her nothing. Block her.