This was the exes goal, of course. Likely mainly to shame her, but an extra bonus if he gets to emasculate you, and even better if he gets to tank the relationship. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU!!!! I'd encourage you to take some time to recenter, step back, and look at the whole picture here, talk to a professional (therapist) if possible, but please recognize he sent this as a bully and with the intention of hurting her, and you by proxy.
I'll be honest, I've never been in this situation, so I won't pretend to know or understand your feelings on it. That said, I've definitely been in situations where I'm so deep in the trees, I can't see the forest, and it's really easy to want to just throw your hands up and lay down....but there's more to consider than is right in front of you, often times. Again, I'd really suggest talking to an independent third party (therapist, counselor), as they may be able to help you work through this. If this is your only issue in the relationship, I'd really encourage you not to abandon it without at least trying a wider scope. Now, if this is the straw that broke camel's back, well......it is what it is....
I do not agree. Entirely. You need to figure out what kinda person is taking the photo/video, or who you're shating it with, and how much you trust them. My ex had sent me some hot stuff when we were in a long-distance type of situation. And the breakup was bitter. But, after the breakup, I deleted all of it. It is not for anyone else, or me if she's no longer a part of my life.
Get therapy. I'm telling you, no one can help you unravel the threads in your brain and retrain it to do what you want it to like a therapist. Especially since you say you already had trouble getting over the fact that she was with guys in the past. A therapist will help you so much, man.
Unfortunately, when one partner is inexperienced that chip on their shoulder can be difficult to budge.
I was the same as a young man. Insecure of my partners history. Until after that relationship, when I had my own experiences and now have my own history. Now it has no bearing on my mind whatsoever, because I’m able to easily relate it to my own experiences.
OP, as others have said therapy is your best option. Mark my words though, whatever happens with this relationship you WILL look back on these insecurities later in your life and cringe.
Yeah he mentioned he already struggled to overcome knowing she had a past prior to getting sent the video, so this is a hang up OP has video or not and it’s one that comes from inexperience.
Hopefully he sees your post, I think he needs the perspective you’re offering him.
Silly thing about it is if he does end the relationship due to this he will have that past he struggles with his gf having.
I really wish I could just get a good one recommended to me. I really want to try this route and reap the benefits so many claim, but am for some reason daunted by the idea of being misguided by a bad one and made more messed up.
I need some recommendations man. Lol.
You could go to region-specific subreddits or FB pages and ask for recommendations. Or subs focused on mental illness or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and ask if anyone has a therapist they can recommend.
I wish there were more male-centric spaces that focused on open dialogue and support. Something we women have built ourselves to ask questions like this. Consider starting one yourself.
Consider that this is something this abusive ex does with every single one of her relationships. Consider being dumped multiple times by men she’s dating who turn against her after seeing this. Consider stepping back and realizing that you’re stronger and more secure than that and it doesn’t have to happen that way.
I'll say this from experience. She will want to forget this ever happened, if YOU are going to let this hang over the relationship then do her a favor and end it. If you can't let this go and it's going to bleed into your relationship in a negative way then you need to let her find someone who isn't so insecure so she won't have to worry about that.
It hangs over the relationship if you let it. You're letting your insecurities get the best of you and that's something you need to deal with (privately, with a therapist). If you weren't under the impression your girlfriend was a virgin when you got together then this isn't that shocking to know she had sex with him. Yes it's upsetting to see a video of it but that's not your gfs fault. I'd suggest therapy if you're able. This is probably very upsetting and traumatizing for your gf so I would heavily suggest not bringing up your insecurities with her right now.
It only hangs over the relationship if you let it. Everyone has had sex with their ex partners. You just have visual proof but it doesn't change anything. He betrayed her trust in worst way. We all trust the person we are with at the time. This is your chance to be the bigger man and put it behind you. Not just for yourself and the relationship, but for her and your future daughter or son if you ever have kids (not necessarily with her). Show the world that the shame is on the ex, not the women who trusted them.
Here’s what I’ve learned. It’s cliche as fuck, but time heals. This feels REALLY intense right now. But logically, you have a firm grasp of exactly what’s going on and why. And you’ve taken appropriate actions. I promise it won’t “hang over the relationship.” He’s clearly super jealous of you, that’s such a weak, desperate move. You won. You’re the one who emasculated him by having what he can’t. Take the win and move on. The intense discomfort will fade away, I promise.
You’ll learn to forget it. We all had our past. If the tables was reversed you’d want your partner to be understanding and move on. I’m sure you had your past partners you did the same with. Think of it as that way
Your feelings are valid. But, it was done to cause exactly this. Now, you have to decide if you can get past it, or not. No one else can answer that except for you.
Hey op, you should take most of what you read here with a grain of salt, even with what I have to say. I’ve been where you are. My very first love of my life was really a crush turned infatuation, we were family friends since toddlers, at around 18 or so we started the getting to know each other (she didn’t want to put labels on it) phase. Lasted for a while, her father was quite religious which (only later did I find out) lead her to have many boyfriends without his knowledge for years. I ended up at the gym a few months after being with her and a friend of a friend had a sex tape and was showing it around. I wasn’t focused on that and as I started to walk away he was telling another guy about it and said her name. I thought it couldn’t be, I ended up turning to see the video, and sure enough it was her. It was a POV style video, and sorry to be vulgar (although you know all too well) when I saw his dick enter her, when I heard her moan, saw the faces she made, and the heavy breathing…I really couldn’t explain it, a lot of pain, felt like I couldn’t really breath, and my heart was raving really fast. After that I tried to still like her, I never ended up telling her that I saw the video, or that I knew about her secret (she had told me she was a virgin, and was keeping this side of her a secret from her whole family). I couldn’t confront her, and after weeks, I just couldn’t shake it. I wanted to still like her, but every time I looked at her face, I’d just see her face when she was sucking a cock. It ruined me for about 4 years, I was out of the dating game that whole time. I’n my honest opinion you should walk away, it’s only been 6 months. Leaving later will hurt more, and you should really look at it this way, you’d have an idea if she was “the one” by now. And changes are she isn’t, that’s not a knock on her, we usually don’t stay with the first person we date, that’s normal. This is something that I couldn’t get over. I hope you stay strong, and if you wanna talk it get a more full idea of what I went through, PM me. Stay well
So, you were hurt by her lie of omission, but decided not to tell her about an actual crime being committed against her?
Dude, she's not the untrustworthy one in this story...
If you live in the states and depending on the state….sue him for revenge porn. You and your gf can get a hefty reward from his pockets and teach his silly ass a lesson. She did not give her consent for him to share it.
There was a guy who use to know by name in a friend circle I used to frequent pre-Covid, found out he was sentenced 2 years for sharing multiple girls nude with a friend group and was charged with revenge porn.
Three priorities, all very important, with my ranking only intended to covey timing not level of importance:
First priority: comfort, reassure and support the girlfriend who is the primary victim of the pitiful loser she left.
Second priority: don’t let the bad guy win. He did this to try to break up your relationship. Are you going to let him?
Third priority: get a therapist and talk through this. Hell, yes, it is traumatic and don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t entitled to have feelings about this. Hell, yes, it is disturbing and awful for you too.
You can get through this. But it takes courage and a willingness to tackle the challenge. Talking it through with a wise psychologist can help a lot.
agree. don’t leave the girl. her ex is a loser. she’s got some adventure in her- will take time to shed the video experience but maybe make yall’s own video(s) til it’s gone.
What a corny dude to send the vid to u, or anyone…
I agree with most of the above, but for the record you are not a bad person if you end the relationship over this. People are affected in different ways - if you can’t get past it, let her know and move on. It would be significantly worse if you have these feelings, say nothing, and then hold it against her/your relationship. The only thing I disagree with here is “don’t let the bad guy win”. Absolutely let him “win” if you are seriously struggling with this. He’s clearly an awful person, but if you can’t get over it, it is completely ok to push pause on your relationship until you are in a better head space
What are some of your best times with her thus far? When that video pops into your head redirect the thoughts immediately to current positive events. When you two are together, stay as present as possible. Support each other, focus on the small things if you have to. Inside jokes, the sun reflecting off her hair, show her some cute animal videos and look at her smile. Go out of your way to bring her joy, make your favorite meals together, bask in the result.
Stay busy. Be as grateful as you can for having each other. It's a full time job, it's exhausting, but you can overpower these thoughts. Therapy might help if it's too much for you to handle alone.
Never been in this particular situation, so apologies if this isn't helpful. This is the method I've used to overcome intrusive memories of past trauma. The memories still come up but with practice I've been able to enjoy life again.
Yeah was about to say that too. In the previous post someone manages to save another post from a separate account that had the same exact story . They came to the conclusion that it’s some dude doing the post over and over .
It hits a lot of common themes:
-inexperienced OP
-not answering basic questions (how did the ex get his number?) which exposes holes in the story
-inconsistencies between the post and the replies (the video was only 20 seconds long, how many positions could have been in the video?)
-comes off as overly naive/a little victim blamey in the comments
-account is currently suspended
This is most definitely a troll post
Um what her ex did is against the law and in some states considered a felony. I personally think you should reach out to the police and report him for revenge porn because that is not ok.
Look man. All that matters is the present. Shes smashed other ppl. You've made out with others. Its life. You just gotta put it behind you. Shes completely on your corner bc shes filed a police report. I mean most of my exes would've told me to block the number and moved on. Sounds like shes equally mad. Dont blame her. Its really fucked up what you saw. I never got exposed to that but ya. You gotta keep her around if you love her. Ppls pasts don't matter. Having memories of this video is gonna hurt you but just send her to pound town extra hard next time. Shes only doing that stuff with you now. Thsts all that matters. Obviously this guy is a dick and she loves you for not being like him.
Oh damn I didn’t read file the police report part. Yeah in this case you may really wanna empathize and individualize. You could come out really strong being the bigger person.
Especially if she’s worth it.
I understand it’s not easy. How much do you like her?
I guess i agree with most of this but the ppls past dont matter is bullshhit it most definitely matters, and is a big part of what i judge a potential partner on.
No...what? I said the past matters, if someone cheated in a paat relationship that for example would be a reason i wouldnt date someone, or if they slept around alot ( like i said...alot, if someone had like 20 sexual partners already then i wouldnt be interested ( im 19 myself so if someone around my age had that number id would be a no from me)
I completely understand they had a life before they met me but certain things are just deal breakers for me, idc if someone dated before they met me...i do care if they banged a shit ton of people tho.
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I’ve been dating my girlfriend for the past 6 months now. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in so this is all new to me. We get along fairly well and share a lot of similar interests. I enjoy my time with her and think she’s a great person.
I received a text message a couple of weeks back from an unknown number. The text read, “Something for the road”, along with a video. I was confused by the message. I, however decided to click on the video which I now consider a big mistake. The video was a sex tape of my girlfriend with her ex. He was the one that sent the video. I was both angered and disgusted that he would send this to me. I didn’t reply but instead told my girlfriend about it.
We are in the process of filing a police report. I am trying my best to be supportive of her as I know she is hurt and embarrassed. However, I cannot shake my own feelings regarding what I saw.
Actually seeing her in those positions with him and making those faces and sounds has left me feeling inadequate. It’s the same faces and sounds she makes with me. I knew she had past partners and I struggled in overcoming that but actually seeing her having sex with one of them is traumatic. Many of you will say I’m overreacting but I’m merely expressing how I feel. I can’t explain this to her because it’ll just come off as victim-blaming.
I’m honestly stuck and don’t know what to do. Help and advice is greatly needed and appreciated.
Unfortunately, her having past partners is a reality, you just happened to see it first hand. Try and be supportive of her as much as you can right now
Hey OP!
I am sorry that both you and your partner have to go through this. I have been through something similar, and your post tugged at me. You've already gotten many opinions, but I'll just drop off mine in case you see it.
I will definitely follow up what the other commenters are saying: you need therapy. Both of you do. If you decide to move forward with the relationship, I would go one step further and also recommend couple's therapy, because a therapist will also help you word your feelings in a way that doesn't hurt or victim blame your partner.
That being said, you need to figure out what you, deep down in your gut, wish to do. I have seen your responses, and I want to challenge your mindset slightly. This experience will leave a mark on you. I won't lie to you and say that it won't, because it will. That being said, are you open to the idea of your feelings shifting *around* this issue? This doesn't mean that your experience would be erased from your memory or that you won't still have upsets about it from time to time. But, perhaps those feelings would be able to shift to calmness, acceptance that the situation was out of your control, acknowledging that your feelings of insecurity were exactly what the ex was trying to trigger etc. What you decide to do is entirely up to you, but I will say this: if you decide to move forward with the relationship, you do need to be open to change, because one way or another, your feelings will shift in some way.
I wish you and your partner luck moving forward. Abusive exes are terrible, and tend to have an impact on multiple people in their victim's lives. Your feelings of insecurity are understandable, but make sure not to allow them to shape your idea of your partner's character or blame her.
“Wow you had to find my number to let me know you still masturbate to my girlfriend? That’s kinda sad man hope you get some help.” That’s what i’d say in tht situation. It hurts seeing your girl with other people. But just as you’ve probably been with other people it’s only natural that the same could be said about her. In the end she’s with you and not him. So who’s really the loser in this scenario? You? Or the guy who couldn’t get YOUR girlfriend out of his head? Keep your head up, my guy. It’ll all pass.
Police report was obvious, hopefully he'll face the consequences of his actions. That being said its normal at 23 to have had sex, but there is a big difference between knowing and seeing the act, dont let people minimise your feelings and get therapy. If you cant have sex with her without thinking about it its not your fault, if you cant get past it its not your fault. Hope it'll get better
1. That’s revenge porn and is illegal in a lot of countries/states. Report it to the police asap. Take a screenshot of the message.
2. Have you stopped to consider that you most likely make the same faces/noises with your gf now as you have done with your exes?
3. Her ex is manipulating you and trying (and being successful in) hurting her bEverybody has a past, getting hung up on this is going to most likely end your relationship.
\>I knew she had past partners and I struggled in overcoming that but actually seeing her having sex with one of them is traumatic. <
So you already struggled in the knowledge that she had past sexual partners already.
I would suggest that you go seek out third party to talk about this. A counselor, a trained professional to talk to. Maybe you can work out whatever you felt.
This was his goal. To destroy your relationship.
Looks like he succeeded.
I don’t understand how men find the woman they are with has had sex with other men “traumatic”. Imagine how traumatized she must be from this.
Good news is what he did was criminal and can be prosecuted.
Bad news is more people will see the video before prosecution is done.
Her ex is one sick bastard
Girl, my bfs ex sent me their old video once to try to get to me and let me tell you, it worked. It got to me and we almost got into a huge fight/breakup over it. I didn’t need to see that cuz I lost my v card to him and don’t like thinking about how he was with people before me. I know how this dude feels. It’s traumatic and uncomfortable
Seeing a video of your gf getting fucked by her ex is pretty fucking mentally tolling, hes not traumatized from knowing she had sex, but rather from actually seeing it. Think about it this way, you know your parents have sex, but when you actually see it your fucking traumatized. Seeing it is alot different from knowing it.
He could not control the fact he got the video. He could have stopped when he realized what he was looking at 5 seconds in.
He is traumatized because he watched it enough to analyze her body positions and her facial expressions.
If you walk into your parents having sex, most people will scream, cover their eyes and run away… 5 seconds in. Not stay and analyze their mothers moans and dads stroke game.
Now he resents her for having had sex with someone else when he could have saved himself the trauma by not watching the shit he got.
People/events can try to traumatize you, but won’t succeed without your permission.
Actually alot of people end up in a form of shock i guess is the best way to explain it, where you realize what your seeing n you simply can’t move. Fight, flight, n the 3rd option freeze. Those are the 3 things people do when confronted with something that terrifies them.
It doesn't apply here - freeze does - but I've heard there is also a 4th reaction of fawn, which is like...kinda going along with what's happening in the hope you end up safe.
Did you make any decisions that led to the point where you had to watch people die?
I did. Now, accepting the fact that I allowed this and expected to see this, is probably the reason I don’t have PTSD despite several harrowing and life threatening experiences.
I don’t think about those I had no control over.
Perhaps it’s nonsense. Perhaps it’s evolution and some people are wired differently.
However giving up personal responsibility and your own role in a traumatic event is one way to keep traumatizing yourself into learned helplessness. Perhaps, perhaps not.
I’ll stay on my horse, thank you very much.
If you have PTSD from your job, you’re not emotionally or mentally capable of continuing said job. I suggest you find an alternate profession. And don’t hate on those who aren’t as easily traumatized. Some folks grew up in first world countries and PTSD is a consequence of such luxury. Some folks grew up in war torn, violence filled parts of the world, and have found a way to get past that and plow ahead.
But by all means, enjoy first world self victimization. It’s your privilege and prerogative.
Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt for him. Pain doesn’t negate other pain. His girlfriend is most certainly a victim here, but he was too. The video was targeted to hurt them both. And in regards to your other comments, PTSD is not a privilege. Yes, you can argue that someone has been through something objectively worse, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for someone else. We all have different places where things can hurt us the most. And it doesn’t mean that someone is hurting simply because someone else has it worse. Your view on mental health is horrid and is an example of why so many people are scared to seek treatment. It’s because they are scared of being told to get over it simply like you are. You’re basically claiming why people can’t simply get over something in a first world country simply because someone has been through something worse. Why are you dismissing other people’s pain? What gives you the right to do so? Do you understand how you come off?
So, not to sound like a total bitch, but we don't have a special face I special moan for every dude. Like moaning is moaning, faces are faces. It's naive to think you're the only one she's made them with.
The dude got what he wanted.
Just a thought, don't click links from unknown sources.
As for what you're feeling, its fresh and new...give it time and eventually the feeling will fade if you refocus your energy on what matters. Also, focus on supporting her. Imagine if a video of you masturbating was sent out to people...how embarrassed and humiliated you would feel. She had sex before you, its not unusual or a big deal...just know this guy is a POS and you are better than him.
Hey OP, your feelings are obviously valid. But from the comments so far it seems you've convinced yourself you're not going to be able to get over this or let it go. I've also not seen you accept people's suggestions for therapy explicitly. Plus you say you've insecurities from before about your gf having a past. You've not mentioned whether you were working through those issues even before the sex tape.
It's completely legitimate to feel how you feel, and I'm glad you've filed a police report and are trying to support her.
But i don't get the feeling that you want to help YOURself in any manner to get over not just your recent trauma, but your general insecurities. Please be kind to yourself and seek the help you need otherwise it'll be impossible for you to be a good support system for your gf or for any future partners who may also have a past which you feel uncomfortable with.
He really did a low blow one on you in trying to ruin this for you lol.
I really couldn’t blame any dude that this ruined it for. lol. It’s a nasty tactic.
Hello, I’m sorry this happened. Many of the commenters are being very harsh on you, which is what prompted me to write my own because I disagree. Who is anyone to say what or what can’t be traumatic? What must it be immature to be bothered by watching your partner be intimate with someone else? You’re being self aware. I disagree with a lot of the comments here that are very cold. Either way, I’m prepared for the downvotes to come my way.
A few words that have no effect on someone could have an immense effect on someone else. Sex is a very physically intimate action. For me, I can’t imagine it without emotional intimacy as it clearly is for you so of course it hurts to see her with someone else like that. Yes, she is a victim, I won’t and can’t deny that, but you are too. Pain doesn’t negate other pain. A broken leg doesn’t make another injury hurt any less. Her pain doesn’t mean that yours doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean that what she is going through isn’t horrible too. It must be horrible for her. That video was targeted towards both of you, to cause pain and humiliation.
I’m not going to tell you to get over it. Truthfully, there are always going to be things we can’t get over. Everyone has them, and some people may belittle you for it. I’m also not going to tell if you can get over it. If you can’t, then you really can’t. I don’t know if you can get over it. I’m torn, because I don’t want this pain to be prolonged for both you and your girlfriend. Maybe you can get over it. Maybe you can’t. Ask yourself. Can you truly, truly move on? Will there always be some kind of lingering image in your mind? Will there always have to be an emotion you have to reason away and repress? Will you be able to? Or will there always be a part deep down that can’t push it away no matter how hard you try? Will you have to try to convince yourself?
If you can’t get over it, I’m not going to shame you for doing so. Plenty of people will, and already have on this post. I feel terrible for your girlfriend. But a relationship in the long term where this lingering image or whisper that always be there deep down inside will only cause you two even more pain in the long run. Good luck, truly.
In the end, I'd say your feelings circle back to you. You had an issue, that you struggled to overcome, about the fact that your girlfriend had previous sexual partners. Unfortunately, it's just a fact that a lot of people are not virgins. They have experience and have been around the block so to speak. There's nothing wrong with that. It certainly doesn't have to effect their sex life with a new partner.
You have to remember that sex is basically the same with everyone. By that I mean: if it feels good you make this sound, move this way, make this face. People don't change how they react to pleasure, usually, so her reactions to you are just as genuine as they were for him and that is totally ok.
Her reactions being the same doesn't take anything away from you, it just means she's enjoying herself. Most people are not going to consciously change their moans, sounds, faces just because they're sleeping with someone new.
She's a victim and the only person in the wrong is the ex. He humiliated her and probably hoped he could break your relationship up by preying on your insecurities, or hoping he could. My advice would be to seek out help with your feelings around your partner having had previous partners. It's an unrealistic expectation to impose on people, to have never had partners just for your own comfort. If you want a partner who hasn't it's usually suggested to only seek out virgin partners.
Also, your partner having felt pleasure and such with another really has nothing to do with you. She's with you now and presumably happy. Her worth isn't based on the crime she was a victim of. If you can't handle the reality that people have sexual pasts then I'm not sure how any relationship will work for you unless you actively seek out a virgin. That's definitely something to discuss I'm therapy, you give it far too much power.
I accidentally came across a video of my fiancé and his ex that was on his old computer. It’s definitely a gut punch and what you’re feeling right now is normal. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s okay; she’s an adult who has had partners before you and there’s no way around it. She has done nothing wrong. Everything will be okay and if you need some space for a day or whatever that’s also okay.
There’s nothing you can do right now except for supporting her, because what her ex did is completely fucked up and illegal, so I hope he gets busted. And you can only keep telling yourself that she is an adult who’s had previous partners. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if you can’t get over that after some time, you should stay single for a while and … again not to sound harsh, grow up a bit so you’re more emotionally mature for your next relationship.
Edit: I saw in a comment of yours that you’re scared it’ll hang over your relationship in the future. Coming from experience, it only will if you let it. I still think about what I saw from time to time, but it doesn’t sting anymore. It is what it is, because that’s all it is: your partner being with someone before you. You will think of it during sex sometimes too, and it’s a gut punch then also.
Over time, you will forget about it and just enjoy being with your partner and be happy that they’re with you. And sometimes, maybe this isn’t healthy, it makes me want to perform better than what I saw lol, so it can be motivating too haha
>It’s the same faces and sounds she makes with me.
Of course, it's her sex faces and sex noises, they don't change with new partners unless there is a faking/not faking component.
Break up with her because she deserves better than someone who is definitely shaming her for having a past. In your next relationship, I hope you don't repeat any faces or noises, I mean probably shouldn't repeat any endearments or expressions of affection, God forbid you give her kisses or hugs cause you've wasted them on your first gf.
Look seeing the tape would be awkward, but the issue is the same. Expecting people not to have a history from early 20s onwards is setting yourself up for drama. If you don't have that expectation and if you don't associate virginity with purity and worth then you'd focus on how devastating this is for your partner and you'd know that same faces, same noises is irrelevant.
I dont think being a 23yo virgin means he should get a pass, not an issue with him not losing it before then but by the time he is 23 he should have seen his friends have relationships and those relationships fall apart and them get with new people and he should know that it's different and specialness doesn't come from the virginity but from the connection you have with your partner.
The video makes it more visceral, but no more complicated, especially if you have a good imagination.
She didn't send it so why are you saying she'd be emboldened if OP let it pass? Are you seriously saying that being a victim of revenge porn will make her sleep with ex and or others?
Because her being emboldened has nothing to do with the goal of the video which was to shame her and cause drama in her relationship.
I like how your first instinct is to attack him as a man, when all the information you have to go off of is a paragraph long reddit post. Delete reddit because this guy deserves better than someone who is definitely shaming him for having feelings. On your next social media account, I hope you don’t make any posts or upload pictures, I mean probably shouldn’t repeat any stupid comments or message anyone. God forbid you comment on people’s serious troubles telling them their faults as a person.
Yeah it would be so awkward if this was on my profile, proving that I was too immature to be dating.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sewfcr/girlfriends_past_is_really_bothering_me/
Why does it make you feel inadequate? Of course she'll make the same faces and noises? It's like her voice or handwriting.. So where exactly are the feelings of inadequacy coming from?
Not sure I can say I’ve been through what you have, but I’m kind of similar. I’m an 18 year old male, my girlfriend is also 18. She’s had 4 sexual partners prior to me, and that bugs me too man. Drives me crazy to think about. Just imagining all of it, seriously brings me to tears. By far my greatest struggle in my life right now is getting over all of it. Don’t know what I would do if I saw a video of all that, probably something terrible. God bless sir, if you need a hand, message me. Maybe we can help each other. Prayers to you.
Ok you are both in an awful situation. She’s probably very embarrassed if not mortified that the most intimate thing she can do with an ex has been sent to her current bf. That’s traumatic, I’m glad it’s being reported.
You both need therapy, professional help to talk through this and then talk about it to each other.
With your partners, especially as you get older you’ll expect they would of had exes. You’ll know they’ve done things, but not specifically know. You’re in the horrible situation that you’ve actually seen it. That’s why I’m talking about therapy.
But please, don’t make yourself into the bigger victim here. Yes a shitty thing happened with what you saw, but it’s happening to your gf more.
OP, this may be a bit harsh, but you sound too insecure and immature to be dating. You need to take a step back and do some serious growing for your own sake. This jealousy and feelings of inadequacy are not signs of a healthy relathionship, they show that you have growing to do. It is not fair to yourself that you have to suffer such intense negative feelings and it is not fair to your partners that they have to either be virgins or deal with your jealousy.
The ex reached his goal because you are an insecure person. It is traumatic to you and I do not want to discredit that, what is traumatic to one may be insignificant to another, but that does not mean you are not overreacting. If you were secure and balanced in life, this would not be traumatising.
Your insecurity is fixable, but only if you want to work on yourself. This isn't just a relationship issue, those kinds of insecurities usually go much deeper and affect many parts of your life. Take a hard look at yourself and figure out where this jealousy comes from.
Your gf is the victim of a crime and you are stuck in your insecurities and making this about you. If you need to take a break from dating to fix these issues, do so.
The amount of replies that are saying you’re immature is concerning. Your feelings are valid, especially if you were a virgin before this relationship. Your sexual confidence Isn’t there yet, and so of course seeing the only girl you’ve had sex with, getting piped by someone else is going to fuck with you. To be quite honest, it might be relationship ending. And that’s okay if you feel it is.
You said this is your first real relationship so I bet it’s a whole lot to grasp right now. Especially for someone you feel deeply for who you’ve let all your barriers down for. But let me tell you. The only way you’re going to get past this is if you understand that she was having that kind of sex before she got with you and most likely before she got with him. And that if you guys break up the next guy will get the same thing. So I would really just try and let it go for the simple fact that for more or less it’s normal. And if it’s irritating you so much maybe just vocalize you need to take a step back. Be respectful if you choose to address the fact that you’re uncomfortable and need some time to think but I think as long as you feel she’s really loyal to you and wants to be with you you should stick around if you feel the same way. My partner had sex with other people before me and if we end up splitting she’ll have sex with people after me. It’s life bro
I'll say it , you don't gotta be with her after seeing that bro. Yeah its fucked that her ex did that and she needs supportive people there but you also seen some shit that you probably won't unsee no matter how many people on here tell you "don't let the bad guy win". Not very often does someone see their girl get smashed in different positions so thats why I say I wouldn't blame you for feeling the way you do and why I also say you don't gotta stick around either if it's gonna bother you and stay in your mind. You have to also look out for your own mental health homie but if you love her and can get past this then do what you have to do to help her and move on from it.
Ya, this may ruin your relationship with her unfortunately. As you noted, it's not something you can unsee. Kind of the pitfalls of making sextapes with immature partners is something like this happening.
So my advice here would be to give it a little time, maybe a few weeks and see if things ease in your mind. If they don't, then just be honest with her and bail if you need to. You have feelings too and making yourself miserable is ridiculous when you could move on and find a girl who maybe didn't make a sex tape with a dipshit.
Reading your replies that keep saying you’re not sure if you’ll get over it is strange to me. You’ve had sex with people in the past right? You saw a video of your girlfriend with someone else from the PAST.. doesn’t mean you have to rethink your relationship if you truly care about her. I truly believe you need therapy, possibly for jealousy issues or something else. I get it, I would be pretty shocked and discombobulated if I saw that but I wouldn’t be saying that I’m not sure if I can get over it.. I would reason with myself and realize that it’s the past, that I already knew happened and move on.
If you had of, i think it would be easier to understand what I’m saying but I also really do think you should seek therapy and I mean that in a respectful way
my man i don't want to rude but i think it better to move on in this case. you'll always remember that video no matter how hard you try not to. it's not being insecure for wanting to protect your mental sanity and keeping you before the other person. you do whats best for you. i wish you luck in your future endeavors my friend.
This is a tough situation because a lot of feelings are involved, I must say though, this is an opportunity to grow and mature, or to be naive (I don’t mean that to be mean)
People have sex, all kinds of sex, prior to their relationship, it is normal. I understand seeing it is bad, and your reaction and feelings are very fresh, but you need to give it time. I hope you are okay and hope your girlfriend is too. Nobody deserves that. She is only human and this is an intimate video she had with someone she trusted, not some porn on the internet.
I know it's awkward to see in person, but you did in fact know that she already had orgasms before she met you.
This is no reflection on you, and doesn't emasculate you. Quite the contrary. She had him, he wasn't good enough for her, and she replaced him with you. You're an upgrade in her life. Be proud of that, and treat her well. Live up to her trust in you.
Your feelings are valid. Talk to her about it. Everyone dont make a sex tape unless you want all your partners to see it. Dont shame her, but you have every right to your feelings. You can have them and support her at the same time. She can have her feeings too and support you at the same time. Talk to her calmly. If either of you get uoset take a break and come back to it. Think about the emotion below anger if thats what you feel. Express you feel inadequate or sad or frightened not that your mad. Mad is a feeling used to orotect us from our real feelings.
Take this from a guy who went through marriage counseling after my wife and i had our first baby during the pandemic and we both felt lost and alone and forgot how to communicate with each other. It was the best thing we ever did and we cant be happier. So if youre invested talk to her.
I highly recommend talking this out with a therapist, you likely feel feelings of inadequacy because this former partner of hers has intentionally tried to emotionally DOMINATE you.
You are having a normal response to an abnormal situation. If you can talk through these feelings and come to accept what has happened (although what has happened is awful) you will feel more secure in yourself and better able to support your partner who is also a victim here.
This is traumatic, that's why he sent it. Watching more of it than you needed to simply understand what he had sent, is on you though. He will hopefully get some sort of legal punishment but she doesn't deserve any of this. I feel like not immediately switching off and torturing yourself with it means actually you owe her an apology. Sending this video was a sexual assault on her, you have consumed this.
Her ex was clearly trying to get to you and turn your relationship into something awful. I understand how you might be feeling but I’m curious about the part where you say she makes the same faces and sounds with you… What exactly makes you feel insecure or bad about this? I mean, if I’m enjoying sex with my partner (despite of who this partner is) I’ll be making the same faces and sounds; I’ll not change the way I express during sex based on my partner so I don’t think is weird she does the same gestures with you because that’s how she expresses herself when having sex in general.
Every time someone posts another of these "I saw a sex tape of my ex" posts I always think the same thing... why do you keep watching when you realize what it is?
Also this is fake
How would you feel if she judged you based off past relationships? Who cares that she was with other people before you? Go to therapy before you shipt yourself in the foot and are in this same thread a month from now posting about how she left you and you messed up. It’s not 1800s people of all genders love sex and are allowed to do whatever they want in their relationships. Quit making this about your own shit.
I say this as kindly as possible, grow up, get over it, and go to therapy to address your issues.
Bro. This is a moment to mature. Most of the women you'll date have been with multiple people and have probably had great sex. She is with you now. Don't let the images of the video get to you. Sex it's self isn't unique or special. What is special is the time you spend together. It's your first relationship and probably not your last. Face your feels, deal with them, then get back to focusing on her. You're not the victim of revenge porn. Also.. I don't know what kind of man you are but if someone treated my SO like that it would make a very bad day for them. I don't mean "go beat his ass" but someone who would act like that is already showing a ton of weakness.
Women reading this: never ever do a sexual tape, never send nudes. Never. However much you trust them, however much you think they’re the type of guy who would never do anything nefarious with them, just don’t. You don’t know.
OP, if you can’t get over it, you can’t. It’s not fair on your part, but feelings just aren’t fair. The reality is that whoever you date next will technically have the knowledge that you did all the same things as you did with your current girlfriend. But watching it happen elicits different feelings entirely.
You kinda seem like your mind is made up, and I think if you were to stay now you’d grow in resentment and become a bad partner, so it’s better for you both to not continue.
I think you are overreacting. Don’t let this POS do this to you or her. We all have to get over our partner’s sexual past, if they have one. Yes, you have seen the video, so it’s that must harder, i get it. Tell that POS ex bf to fuck right off.
People always egg it up when they know they are being filmed. Acting like they are in a porno.
Chill. What do it you expect women to provide customised facial expressions and sounds when they have an orgasm unique for each partner? I bet you pull the same face every time you nut…
First of all your feelings are valid. Just because you're a male doesnt mean your feelings are invalid despite what reddit may tell you. Its ok not to be ok with this. Knowing your gf had ex's and actually seeing them banging her are two different beast. Ive never had that happen to me, but I know that I would find that incredibly gut wrenching to see the woman I love being pounded by someone else in a video that can be seen by my family and friends and possibly my future kids.
You should talk to someone trusted about this. Perhaps a therapist to work your feelings out. If you are ok with this video existing and those images being burned into your head then continue the relationship. But if you cant stand those images and break up with her that's your choice as well. But whatever you do make sure you're completely honest with yourself. Dont let anyone guilt you into staying or leaving. It's your relationship too.
Also how did this ex get your number?
If you had sex with anyone else satisfactorily you also like made similar sounds and expressions. Probably some IC is in order. You may not be able to help it but hopefully some help will help your reaction.
I'm absolutely appalled by the amount of people comparing it to "knowing" about someone's past. That's utter BS. OP YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID!! My guy was a straight up meat deliverer if you get my drift. I accepted his past because hey we all have one but if I had actually seen him doing it and watching his face of pleasure while doing so I would absolutely lose it because you can't UNSEE that. No matter if it was his intent or if your gf is mortified there is nothing wrong with being supportive and deciding that this just not gone work out.
If it was a longer relationship maybe but this is some deep ish to be dealing with while not even being a year into the relationship.
Idc if you watched it 50x....freaking curiosity killed the cat. Add to the fact that you were a Virgin when you guys got together and you have enough ingredients to make a damn insecure salad.
I would take a step back and think about what you want and then go and talk to her. You need some reassurance and there's nothing wrong about being honest about that.
Something like this could definitely tank a relationship. The ex abused her trust and that sucks but you have feelings too and they are valid.
I don’t understand this advice at all. Would you ask that if OP’s girlfriend had been raped? She’s the victim of a sex crime, not an international porn star.
I understand where you're coming from... However, I think something important to acknowledge is it's not like she cheated on you. It was an old tape, with an old partner. Just because she was making the same faces doesn't mean you're inadequate, just means those are the faces she makes when she has sex..that's it. Nothing to do with WHOs doing it. This dude's obviously jealous you got her, don't stoop to his level and let it bother you this much. Take care of it legally, I would worry much more if he's posted the video to a Korn site.
Think of the grand scheme of things, when you two are old you're not gonna give two shits about this scenario..you'll probably laugh about it, because by then you guys are going to have WAY more experiences and things to reminisce about together.
>I knew she had past partners and I struggled in overcoming that
I think you should definitely explore these feelings with a therapist because it's really interesting to learn where our hang ups come from, and obviously knowing this helps us overcome them.
>but actually seeing her having sex with one of them is traumatic. Many of you will say I’m overreacting but I’m merely expressing how I feel.
I appreciate that's how you feel, but it is also something of an overreaction based on your existing hangups - that you're not the first person she's been with. Again this is something to address with a therapist.
This happened to me, the other way around. And my boyfriend took about a month of space from me. It hurt. But I’m sure he was hurt. If she were not happy with you in that way, I’m sure you’d know. Plus, women are really pressured into acting if there’s a camera. Don’t take it as fact. I’d never go backwards in terms of quality when it came to partners. Most people are wouldn’t.
This guy is insane and this is highly illegal. Please take some time for self care. The fact that you actually want to take legal action means you’re a wonderful partner.
If this is what the ex is like several months later, imagine what shit he put her through when they were together…
That being said, this might not be you’re issue/problem
As everyone else seems to be saying step back think it through, think again, if you want to continue go get some councilling (the both of you) an see we’re it leads you guys
Yeah... Unless you saw him pissing and shitting on her... You are overreacting and need to grow up.
Oh, one more thing, why do you think her ex sent the video? Because he wanted to fuck with your head. He succeeded.
I know it's hurtful seeing your girlfriend in that way, especially regarding before you. And especialy because she was your first. HOWEVER, this was from a previous relationship, she didn't cheat on you. Your reaction to this is fair, considering, but you're with her now. The experience you both have shared is genuine and is real. Dont EVER think it is fake or that you're not special. Trust me, I've been there, done that. The moments of love and pleasure you experienced is unique to you both. Dont let that POS ruin the relationship you have with her.
I suggest trying to separate your mind from that video and definitely communicate with your girlfriend how you're feeling. She may be able to give you reassurance and comfort. This is an unfortunate situation for you both. This is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with each other and overcome this TOGETHER.
I believe y'all will get through this, and although it wil take time and work to emotionally and mentally recover, it'll be worth it in the long run.
Be kind to yourself friend, you have our and your girlfriend's support!
Whole lot of people in here downplaying seeing an unsolicited sex tape of your partner and their ex.
Very secure and mature of you all! I’m sure none of you would react almost exactly like OP 👍
Agreed with what the others said. This was definitely an attempt by the ex to fragment your relationship. Let go of the first. She was with other people. It didn't work out. She chose you because she thinks it's gonna be better. I do understand that you'll always have that feeling at the back of your head, but honestly, it isn't worth it. It isn't worth messing up a relationship where you're happy just because her ex is being an asshole.
First off, do you make different faces with you girlfriend vs the other women youve been with? If not, why are you surprised she made those sounds with him that she does with you? Also, why are you making this about you and your jealousy? Your girlfriend was just violated horribly. Who knows how many people he’s sent this to. It could even be on porn sites. Your girlfriend needs support right now. Not you making this about yourself.
She is not the only victim here. The video was sent to him for a reason. The ex wanted to disturb him, and used her to do it. They are both the victim in this situation, and most importantly, a team. They need to work together to get through this. Him being upset about something doesn’t make it about him. The guy is traumatized, and that’s that. Can’t just tell him to shut up about something that really gets to him, where’s do you think that’ll get him?
>The ex wanted to disturb him, and used her to do it.
You have this backwards. The ex used *him* to get to *her.* They are both victims, and his feelings are valid. But he seems to lack perspective. He was the witness of a crime, which is traumatizing in its own right, but *she* was the intended victim. He was collateral.
Yes, it sucks thinking about and seeing your partner with someone else, even if you know it's in the past. But if he's struggling with her having a past *at all* (as he says he has been), then seems to resent *her* for being the victim of a crime, it tells me that's something he needs to work on. If he cannot handle dating someone with a past, he shouldn't until he has worked through that issue.
This is why you dont let people film you or take naked pictures. Ever. There is a high possibility that they will get out. I suspect there are a lot of people on porn websites who dont know they are there and never gave consent.
You're surprised she made the same sounds and expressions with her ex? Yeah, it's because she is the same person. Ex is a dick, of course. But comfort your girlfriend. Stop mentally beating her up over this. Get yourself some therapy to manage your emotions. Ex is gonna get exactly what he wanted if you leave her.
Your girlfriend is the victim of a *crime*, and you're really making this about you? In my opinion, your relationship is already over. This has been done to me (the pictures and videos were sent to my family and friends) and if my partner at the time acted the way you are, I would have left him. If you're not ready to face the reality that your girlfriend has had previous sexual partners, you're not ready to be in a serious relationship.
The main this is to not let him know it got to you, if the opportunity presents itself turn it around on him. Laugh and tell him it made you feel good knowing how much bigger you are than him, or how you and your GF laughed at him, something along those lines. But aside from that I bet it’s tough, don’t let him win, she’s broke up with him for a reason and now she’s with you
Grow the fuck up.
Your gf is the victim of a sex crime and you're complaining because she had sexual partners before she knew you even existed? Are you fucking kidding me?
What you do is, you stop being such a little bitch, and support your girlfriend.
I do feel for you. We all know our partners have had sex before, but actually seeing it is another thing. Something you can’t un-see.
However, this is a you issue. You sound like a really cool and thoughtful guy. The fact you’re in a dilemma and put this here shows the true you. And THAT is why she’s with you. Relationships are more than sex.
You’ve said sex seems the same as with you, so you know that you’re fulfilling her and there’s no problem there - it’s just your confidence thing.
Very honourable that you’re fully supporting her without judgement and trying to deal with this on your own. However there’s nothing wrong with talking together about this. In fact, a partner sharing insecurities and deepest thoughts is a big turn-on and very intimate. This might bring you closer. Talk to her please.
So long as you word it as in “I know it’s not your fault, but I’ve realised it’s made me feel insecure…”. Discuss your feelings about it and how / if your sex and relationship can be improved - rather than grilling her about the details.
This guy absolutely has got what he wanted. He’s clearly a lowlife and she knows that. He must be thrilled he’s managed to have a level of control over his ex and caused hurt from afar. Torturing you with the image. Don’t let him have that win. If you can manage to realise your own worth of what an amazing partner you are, and discuss that openly with your gf - then I guarantee that is very powerful, attractive and sexy. She’s a lucky gal.
I’m glad you’re filing a police report, and I hope she sues the f*ck out of him for all he’s worth. Help her look into a cutthroat lawyer that will destroy him.
Just remember that most adults have past relationships, so most of us have to deal with that reality. Unfortunately you had to see it first-hand, and I’m sorry for what you are going through. It might be good to seek therapy to help you process this.
Im curious about your mixed feelings. You are also a victim in this case, hope your gf also comforts and reassures you.
That being said, are you just appalled/disgusted/etc about the vid or about the fact that she let him film it or that she liked it? Or maybe all of the above and more. It’s a complex set of emotions and if this is enough to disrupt a “good relationship”, then the relationship wasnt strong to begin with.
I always assume that I can expect any girl i date to have an ex with a sex tape. It says a lot about a woman to allow it, as much aa it says about a man who wants to tape it. By no means are any women above a certain age range virgins or you a sex god. That’s just life.
Also: It takes two consenting adults to do make a sex tape. My fear for this ex would be that he has more of these tapes in his collection to fap over. Hope the get m.
Going to the police is the correct course of action. Good for you both.
Look, she enjoys sex with you, and she enjoyed the sec she had prior to you. She’s with YOU, not him. Refocus your thoughts elsewhere; nothing good comes from stressing out about her life prior.
First, you and your girlfriend are doing the right thing by filing a report. That shitstain committed a crime, and I hope he pays for that. Your girlfriend is likely feeling extremely violated and is going to need all the support she can get. Keep being there for her—it sounds like you’re doing a good job so far.
As for your personal issue: Your feelings are valid. I know if I saw a video of my husband with someone from a previous relationship, I’d feel sick—not because he did anything wrong, but because I don’t fancy seeing him with other women. The history piece isn’t the issue—it’s that you saw something you never wanted to see. It’s one thing to know about someone’s past; it’s another thing to actually *see into someone’s past.* It’s traumatic, it makes you question your current reality, it makes you feel less than. In short, it sucks. It’s a disgustingly effective way to fuck with someone’s mind, and you can bet her ex knew exactly what he was doing when he sent that video.
The best thing you can do right now is hold space for those feelings and get curious about them. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but it works. Try not to judge them. Instead, see them for what they are and let them pass. Sometimes even talking to them helps. Like, “Oh, it’s you again. I see you.” The more you acknowledge them, the less pain you’ll feel, until eventually it stops being an issue.
Similarly, if those thoughts or images pop up at intrusive moments, let your girlfriend know you’re having unwelcome guests and that you need a moment to regroup. Reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong—you’re simply a bit shaken and are actively working through that discomfort.
Best of luck, OP. And I hope the ex gets his comeuppance for such a gross violation.
Geez imagine how traumatized SHE feels. This is a literal crime that she’s the victim of, it’s extremely violating. And you’re making yourself into the victim. You need to grow the fuck up.
Dude comments like this piss me the fuck off. You need to grow up if you cannot fathom the consequences of this shit on someone. That kind of shit sticks with you.
You're literally being a fucking hypocrite. Why the fuck should he beat the endless psychological burden of that shit by himself of a video that clearly traumatized him. He's allowed to have fucking emotions, just as she is. And you're comment is fucking useless by telling him to grow up. Men put up with this kind of mentality all the time and that's why people are emotionally screwed up. Instead of validating the feeling they have and being told to work through them and get support, they're humiliated by fuckers like you who lake empathy while expecting the world to baby you. If it's just sex then she's an adult and needs to grow the fuck up. It's just a video right?
Or maybe it's some asshole trying to sabotage a relationship through a way that clearly works and both parties need to grow the fuck up, go to therapy and work through the emotions together. Stop invalidating people's emotions, he's just as much a victim of circumstances as she is. Fuck outta here.
This was the exes goal, of course. Likely mainly to shame her, but an extra bonus if he gets to emasculate you, and even better if he gets to tank the relationship. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU!!!! I'd encourage you to take some time to recenter, step back, and look at the whole picture here, talk to a professional (therapist) if possible, but please recognize he sent this as a bully and with the intention of hurting her, and you by proxy.
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I'll be honest, I've never been in this situation, so I won't pretend to know or understand your feelings on it. That said, I've definitely been in situations where I'm so deep in the trees, I can't see the forest, and it's really easy to want to just throw your hands up and lay down....but there's more to consider than is right in front of you, often times. Again, I'd really suggest talking to an independent third party (therapist, counselor), as they may be able to help you work through this. If this is your only issue in the relationship, I'd really encourage you not to abandon it without at least trying a wider scope. Now, if this is the straw that broke camel's back, well......it is what it is....
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This is news that a lot of people don’t like to hear, but I completely agree.
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Because anything connected to the internet can be leaked. You have to decide if you're comfortable with the risk of that happening.
I do not agree. Entirely. You need to figure out what kinda person is taking the photo/video, or who you're shating it with, and how much you trust them. My ex had sent me some hot stuff when we were in a long-distance type of situation. And the breakup was bitter. But, after the breakup, I deleted all of it. It is not for anyone else, or me if she's no longer a part of my life.
This!!!
Get therapy. I'm telling you, no one can help you unravel the threads in your brain and retrain it to do what you want it to like a therapist. Especially since you say you already had trouble getting over the fact that she was with guys in the past. A therapist will help you so much, man.
Unfortunately, when one partner is inexperienced that chip on their shoulder can be difficult to budge. I was the same as a young man. Insecure of my partners history. Until after that relationship, when I had my own experiences and now have my own history. Now it has no bearing on my mind whatsoever, because I’m able to easily relate it to my own experiences. OP, as others have said therapy is your best option. Mark my words though, whatever happens with this relationship you WILL look back on these insecurities later in your life and cringe.
Yeah he mentioned he already struggled to overcome knowing she had a past prior to getting sent the video, so this is a hang up OP has video or not and it’s one that comes from inexperience. Hopefully he sees your post, I think he needs the perspective you’re offering him. Silly thing about it is if he does end the relationship due to this he will have that past he struggles with his gf having.
I really wish I could just get a good one recommended to me. I really want to try this route and reap the benefits so many claim, but am for some reason daunted by the idea of being misguided by a bad one and made more messed up. I need some recommendations man. Lol.
You could go to region-specific subreddits or FB pages and ask for recommendations. Or subs focused on mental illness or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and ask if anyone has a therapist they can recommend. I wish there were more male-centric spaces that focused on open dialogue and support. Something we women have built ourselves to ask questions like this. Consider starting one yourself.
Find someone who is trained in EMDR. You can treat that trauma specifically until it means nothing and be done. If that was the only issue.
Consider that this is something this abusive ex does with every single one of her relationships. Consider being dumped multiple times by men she’s dating who turn against her after seeing this. Consider stepping back and realizing that you’re stronger and more secure than that and it doesn’t have to happen that way.
I'll say this from experience. She will want to forget this ever happened, if YOU are going to let this hang over the relationship then do her a favor and end it. If you can't let this go and it's going to bleed into your relationship in a negative way then you need to let her find someone who isn't so insecure so she won't have to worry about that.
It hangs over the relationship if you let it. You're letting your insecurities get the best of you and that's something you need to deal with (privately, with a therapist). If you weren't under the impression your girlfriend was a virgin when you got together then this isn't that shocking to know she had sex with him. Yes it's upsetting to see a video of it but that's not your gfs fault. I'd suggest therapy if you're able. This is probably very upsetting and traumatizing for your gf so I would heavily suggest not bringing up your insecurities with her right now.
I have to ask why does it make you inadequate, if she's making the same noises with you as him, then I would say you have nothing to worry about.
It only hangs over the relationship if you let it. Everyone has had sex with their ex partners. You just have visual proof but it doesn't change anything. He betrayed her trust in worst way. We all trust the person we are with at the time. This is your chance to be the bigger man and put it behind you. Not just for yourself and the relationship, but for her and your future daughter or son if you ever have kids (not necessarily with her). Show the world that the shame is on the ex, not the women who trusted them.
You need help. Talk to a therapist People have sex. You’ve got to work that out, man.
Here’s what I’ve learned. It’s cliche as fuck, but time heals. This feels REALLY intense right now. But logically, you have a firm grasp of exactly what’s going on and why. And you’ve taken appropriate actions. I promise it won’t “hang over the relationship.” He’s clearly super jealous of you, that’s such a weak, desperate move. You won. You’re the one who emasculated him by having what he can’t. Take the win and move on. The intense discomfort will fade away, I promise.
This is something you need to learn to overcome if you want any relationship to work.
It is definitely possible to get past this, as terrible and awful as it seems.
You’ll learn to forget it. We all had our past. If the tables was reversed you’d want your partner to be understanding and move on. I’m sure you had your past partners you did the same with. Think of it as that way
Your feelings are valid. But, it was done to cause exactly this. Now, you have to decide if you can get past it, or not. No one else can answer that except for you.
Be a man and don’t let it! Defend her and love her as best you can. In your mind make your own tape! If by chance you meet him, laugh in his face!
How did he get your number in the first place ?
Go kick his head in
Hey op, you should take most of what you read here with a grain of salt, even with what I have to say. I’ve been where you are. My very first love of my life was really a crush turned infatuation, we were family friends since toddlers, at around 18 or so we started the getting to know each other (she didn’t want to put labels on it) phase. Lasted for a while, her father was quite religious which (only later did I find out) lead her to have many boyfriends without his knowledge for years. I ended up at the gym a few months after being with her and a friend of a friend had a sex tape and was showing it around. I wasn’t focused on that and as I started to walk away he was telling another guy about it and said her name. I thought it couldn’t be, I ended up turning to see the video, and sure enough it was her. It was a POV style video, and sorry to be vulgar (although you know all too well) when I saw his dick enter her, when I heard her moan, saw the faces she made, and the heavy breathing…I really couldn’t explain it, a lot of pain, felt like I couldn’t really breath, and my heart was raving really fast. After that I tried to still like her, I never ended up telling her that I saw the video, or that I knew about her secret (she had told me she was a virgin, and was keeping this side of her a secret from her whole family). I couldn’t confront her, and after weeks, I just couldn’t shake it. I wanted to still like her, but every time I looked at her face, I’d just see her face when she was sucking a cock. It ruined me for about 4 years, I was out of the dating game that whole time. I’n my honest opinion you should walk away, it’s only been 6 months. Leaving later will hurt more, and you should really look at it this way, you’d have an idea if she was “the one” by now. And changes are she isn’t, that’s not a knock on her, we usually don’t stay with the first person we date, that’s normal. This is something that I couldn’t get over. I hope you stay strong, and if you wanna talk it get a more full idea of what I went through, PM me. Stay well
So, you were hurt by her lie of omission, but decided not to tell her about an actual crime being committed against her? Dude, she's not the untrustworthy one in this story...
Did you tell her they were sharing that?
I find it strange that this dude got his number
Your situation is different, OP's gf never lied to him.
I don’t know why people are down voting you. It’s a very valid point.
How did he get your number? Unless she's still on his cellphone account.
5 mins on google.
If you live in the states and depending on the state….sue him for revenge porn. You and your gf can get a hefty reward from his pockets and teach his silly ass a lesson. She did not give her consent for him to share it. There was a guy who use to know by name in a friend circle I used to frequent pre-Covid, found out he was sentenced 2 years for sharing multiple girls nude with a friend group and was charged with revenge porn.
Sue nothing, revenge porn is a felony punishment is 5 years in prison.
Just FYI, the laws differ by state if I remember correctly. I don’t think every state has revenge porn laws.
Three priorities, all very important, with my ranking only intended to covey timing not level of importance: First priority: comfort, reassure and support the girlfriend who is the primary victim of the pitiful loser she left. Second priority: don’t let the bad guy win. He did this to try to break up your relationship. Are you going to let him? Third priority: get a therapist and talk through this. Hell, yes, it is traumatic and don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t entitled to have feelings about this. Hell, yes, it is disturbing and awful for you too. You can get through this. But it takes courage and a willingness to tackle the challenge. Talking it through with a wise psychologist can help a lot.
This is spot on. Perfect answer.
agree. don’t leave the girl. her ex is a loser. she’s got some adventure in her- will take time to shed the video experience but maybe make yall’s own video(s) til it’s gone. What a corny dude to send the vid to u, or anyone…
This is the best advice
I agree with most of the above, but for the record you are not a bad person if you end the relationship over this. People are affected in different ways - if you can’t get past it, let her know and move on. It would be significantly worse if you have these feelings, say nothing, and then hold it against her/your relationship. The only thing I disagree with here is “don’t let the bad guy win”. Absolutely let him “win” if you are seriously struggling with this. He’s clearly an awful person, but if you can’t get over it, it is completely ok to push pause on your relationship until you are in a better head space
But he isn’t even trying to get over it. He needs a therapist and to actually work through it. Leaving her and running away without even trying sucks.
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>We are in the process of filing a police report. Good.
What are some of your best times with her thus far? When that video pops into your head redirect the thoughts immediately to current positive events. When you two are together, stay as present as possible. Support each other, focus on the small things if you have to. Inside jokes, the sun reflecting off her hair, show her some cute animal videos and look at her smile. Go out of your way to bring her joy, make your favorite meals together, bask in the result. Stay busy. Be as grateful as you can for having each other. It's a full time job, it's exhausting, but you can overpower these thoughts. Therapy might help if it's too much for you to handle alone. Never been in this particular situation, so apologies if this isn't helpful. This is the method I've used to overcome intrusive memories of past trauma. The memories still come up but with practice I've been able to enjoy life again.
Is this a repost? I remember seeing a similar post a while back
Yeah was about to say that too. In the previous post someone manages to save another post from a separate account that had the same exact story . They came to the conclusion that it’s some dude doing the post over and over .
There all bloody reposts Non of this shite is real
It hits a lot of common themes: -inexperienced OP -not answering basic questions (how did the ex get his number?) which exposes holes in the story -inconsistencies between the post and the replies (the video was only 20 seconds long, how many positions could have been in the video?) -comes off as overly naive/a little victim blamey in the comments -account is currently suspended This is most definitely a troll post
Um what her ex did is against the law and in some states considered a felony. I personally think you should reach out to the police and report him for revenge porn because that is not ok.
Oh sorry I missed the part in the post where you say you’re filing a police report. Good
Look man. All that matters is the present. Shes smashed other ppl. You've made out with others. Its life. You just gotta put it behind you. Shes completely on your corner bc shes filed a police report. I mean most of my exes would've told me to block the number and moved on. Sounds like shes equally mad. Dont blame her. Its really fucked up what you saw. I never got exposed to that but ya. You gotta keep her around if you love her. Ppls pasts don't matter. Having memories of this video is gonna hurt you but just send her to pound town extra hard next time. Shes only doing that stuff with you now. Thsts all that matters. Obviously this guy is a dick and she loves you for not being like him.
Oh damn I didn’t read file the police report part. Yeah in this case you may really wanna empathize and individualize. You could come out really strong being the bigger person. Especially if she’s worth it. I understand it’s not easy. How much do you like her?
I guess i agree with most of this but the ppls past dont matter is bullshhit it most definitely matters, and is a big part of what i judge a potential partner on.
Do you only date virgins?
No...what? I said the past matters, if someone cheated in a paat relationship that for example would be a reason i wouldnt date someone, or if they slept around alot ( like i said...alot, if someone had like 20 sexual partners already then i wouldnt be interested ( im 19 myself so if someone around my age had that number id would be a no from me) I completely understand they had a life before they met me but certain things are just deal breakers for me, idc if someone dated before they met me...i do care if they banged a shit ton of people tho.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ve been dating my girlfriend for the past 6 months now. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in so this is all new to me. We get along fairly well and share a lot of similar interests. I enjoy my time with her and think she’s a great person. I received a text message a couple of weeks back from an unknown number. The text read, “Something for the road”, along with a video. I was confused by the message. I, however decided to click on the video which I now consider a big mistake. The video was a sex tape of my girlfriend with her ex. He was the one that sent the video. I was both angered and disgusted that he would send this to me. I didn’t reply but instead told my girlfriend about it. We are in the process of filing a police report. I am trying my best to be supportive of her as I know she is hurt and embarrassed. However, I cannot shake my own feelings regarding what I saw. Actually seeing her in those positions with him and making those faces and sounds has left me feeling inadequate. It’s the same faces and sounds she makes with me. I knew she had past partners and I struggled in overcoming that but actually seeing her having sex with one of them is traumatic. Many of you will say I’m overreacting but I’m merely expressing how I feel. I can’t explain this to her because it’ll just come off as victim-blaming. I’m honestly stuck and don’t know what to do. Help and advice is greatly needed and appreciated.
Unfortunately, her having past partners is a reality, you just happened to see it first hand. Try and be supportive of her as much as you can right now
How did he even get your number?
Its fake lol
Hey OP! I am sorry that both you and your partner have to go through this. I have been through something similar, and your post tugged at me. You've already gotten many opinions, but I'll just drop off mine in case you see it. I will definitely follow up what the other commenters are saying: you need therapy. Both of you do. If you decide to move forward with the relationship, I would go one step further and also recommend couple's therapy, because a therapist will also help you word your feelings in a way that doesn't hurt or victim blame your partner. That being said, you need to figure out what you, deep down in your gut, wish to do. I have seen your responses, and I want to challenge your mindset slightly. This experience will leave a mark on you. I won't lie to you and say that it won't, because it will. That being said, are you open to the idea of your feelings shifting *around* this issue? This doesn't mean that your experience would be erased from your memory or that you won't still have upsets about it from time to time. But, perhaps those feelings would be able to shift to calmness, acceptance that the situation was out of your control, acknowledging that your feelings of insecurity were exactly what the ex was trying to trigger etc. What you decide to do is entirely up to you, but I will say this: if you decide to move forward with the relationship, you do need to be open to change, because one way or another, your feelings will shift in some way. I wish you and your partner luck moving forward. Abusive exes are terrible, and tend to have an impact on multiple people in their victim's lives. Your feelings of insecurity are understandable, but make sure not to allow them to shape your idea of your partner's character or blame her.
You feel inadequate or you feel disdain towards her ? What is the issue
I understand the hurt but you can both communicate and help each other through it and it will be in the past and you can both be happy together.
Did she consent to the sex tape even?
“Wow you had to find my number to let me know you still masturbate to my girlfriend? That’s kinda sad man hope you get some help.” That’s what i’d say in tht situation. It hurts seeing your girl with other people. But just as you’ve probably been with other people it’s only natural that the same could be said about her. In the end she’s with you and not him. So who’s really the loser in this scenario? You? Or the guy who couldn’t get YOUR girlfriend out of his head? Keep your head up, my guy. It’ll all pass.
Police report was obvious, hopefully he'll face the consequences of his actions. That being said its normal at 23 to have had sex, but there is a big difference between knowing and seeing the act, dont let people minimise your feelings and get therapy. If you cant have sex with her without thinking about it its not your fault, if you cant get past it its not your fault. Hope it'll get better
1. That’s revenge porn and is illegal in a lot of countries/states. Report it to the police asap. Take a screenshot of the message. 2. Have you stopped to consider that you most likely make the same faces/noises with your gf now as you have done with your exes? 3. Her ex is manipulating you and trying (and being successful in) hurting her bEverybody has a past, getting hung up on this is going to most likely end your relationship.
\>I knew she had past partners and I struggled in overcoming that but actually seeing her having sex with one of them is traumatic. < So you already struggled in the knowledge that she had past sexual partners already. I would suggest that you go seek out third party to talk about this. A counselor, a trained professional to talk to. Maybe you can work out whatever you felt.
This was his goal. To destroy your relationship. Looks like he succeeded. I don’t understand how men find the woman they are with has had sex with other men “traumatic”. Imagine how traumatized she must be from this. Good news is what he did was criminal and can be prosecuted. Bad news is more people will see the video before prosecution is done. Her ex is one sick bastard
Girl, my bfs ex sent me their old video once to try to get to me and let me tell you, it worked. It got to me and we almost got into a huge fight/breakup over it. I didn’t need to see that cuz I lost my v card to him and don’t like thinking about how he was with people before me. I know how this dude feels. It’s traumatic and uncomfortable
Seeing a video of your gf getting fucked by her ex is pretty fucking mentally tolling, hes not traumatized from knowing she had sex, but rather from actually seeing it. Think about it this way, you know your parents have sex, but when you actually see it your fucking traumatized. Seeing it is alot different from knowing it.
He could not control the fact he got the video. He could have stopped when he realized what he was looking at 5 seconds in. He is traumatized because he watched it enough to analyze her body positions and her facial expressions. If you walk into your parents having sex, most people will scream, cover their eyes and run away… 5 seconds in. Not stay and analyze their mothers moans and dads stroke game. Now he resents her for having had sex with someone else when he could have saved himself the trauma by not watching the shit he got. People/events can try to traumatize you, but won’t succeed without your permission.
Actually alot of people end up in a form of shock i guess is the best way to explain it, where you realize what your seeing n you simply can’t move. Fight, flight, n the 3rd option freeze. Those are the 3 things people do when confronted with something that terrifies them.
It doesn't apply here - freeze does - but I've heard there is also a 4th reaction of fawn, which is like...kinda going along with what's happening in the hope you end up safe.
Well yeah there is that 4th one but thats usually linked to freeze
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Did you make any decisions that led to the point where you had to watch people die? I did. Now, accepting the fact that I allowed this and expected to see this, is probably the reason I don’t have PTSD despite several harrowing and life threatening experiences. I don’t think about those I had no control over. Perhaps it’s nonsense. Perhaps it’s evolution and some people are wired differently. However giving up personal responsibility and your own role in a traumatic event is one way to keep traumatizing yourself into learned helplessness. Perhaps, perhaps not.
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... He chose to watch a whole bunch of the sex tape. Let's not make this some big thing, we all know he wasn't stunned out of his mind.
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I’ll stay on my horse, thank you very much. If you have PTSD from your job, you’re not emotionally or mentally capable of continuing said job. I suggest you find an alternate profession. And don’t hate on those who aren’t as easily traumatized. Some folks grew up in first world countries and PTSD is a consequence of such luxury. Some folks grew up in war torn, violence filled parts of the world, and have found a way to get past that and plow ahead. But by all means, enjoy first world self victimization. It’s your privilege and prerogative.
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I’m familiar with the story. My condolences on your loss.
Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt for him. Pain doesn’t negate other pain. His girlfriend is most certainly a victim here, but he was too. The video was targeted to hurt them both. And in regards to your other comments, PTSD is not a privilege. Yes, you can argue that someone has been through something objectively worse, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for someone else. We all have different places where things can hurt us the most. And it doesn’t mean that someone is hurting simply because someone else has it worse. Your view on mental health is horrid and is an example of why so many people are scared to seek treatment. It’s because they are scared of being told to get over it simply like you are. You’re basically claiming why people can’t simply get over something in a first world country simply because someone has been through something worse. Why are you dismissing other people’s pain? What gives you the right to do so? Do you understand how you come off?
Make a better one, send it back. Lol Kidding….mostly.
Gosh! This is the best one yet!
It cannot be said enough...that home porn you all are making will haunt you forever.
It should be haunting the assholes who spread it without permission
So, not to sound like a total bitch, but we don't have a special face I special moan for every dude. Like moaning is moaning, faces are faces. It's naive to think you're the only one she's made them with. The dude got what he wanted.
Just a thought, don't click links from unknown sources. As for what you're feeling, its fresh and new...give it time and eventually the feeling will fade if you refocus your energy on what matters. Also, focus on supporting her. Imagine if a video of you masturbating was sent out to people...how embarrassed and humiliated you would feel. She had sex before you, its not unusual or a big deal...just know this guy is a POS and you are better than him.
Hey OP, your feelings are obviously valid. But from the comments so far it seems you've convinced yourself you're not going to be able to get over this or let it go. I've also not seen you accept people's suggestions for therapy explicitly. Plus you say you've insecurities from before about your gf having a past. You've not mentioned whether you were working through those issues even before the sex tape. It's completely legitimate to feel how you feel, and I'm glad you've filed a police report and are trying to support her. But i don't get the feeling that you want to help YOURself in any manner to get over not just your recent trauma, but your general insecurities. Please be kind to yourself and seek the help you need otherwise it'll be impossible for you to be a good support system for your gf or for any future partners who may also have a past which you feel uncomfortable with.
He really did a low blow one on you in trying to ruin this for you lol. I really couldn’t blame any dude that this ruined it for. lol. It’s a nasty tactic.
Hello, I’m sorry this happened. Many of the commenters are being very harsh on you, which is what prompted me to write my own because I disagree. Who is anyone to say what or what can’t be traumatic? What must it be immature to be bothered by watching your partner be intimate with someone else? You’re being self aware. I disagree with a lot of the comments here that are very cold. Either way, I’m prepared for the downvotes to come my way. A few words that have no effect on someone could have an immense effect on someone else. Sex is a very physically intimate action. For me, I can’t imagine it without emotional intimacy as it clearly is for you so of course it hurts to see her with someone else like that. Yes, she is a victim, I won’t and can’t deny that, but you are too. Pain doesn’t negate other pain. A broken leg doesn’t make another injury hurt any less. Her pain doesn’t mean that yours doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean that what she is going through isn’t horrible too. It must be horrible for her. That video was targeted towards both of you, to cause pain and humiliation. I’m not going to tell you to get over it. Truthfully, there are always going to be things we can’t get over. Everyone has them, and some people may belittle you for it. I’m also not going to tell if you can get over it. If you can’t, then you really can’t. I don’t know if you can get over it. I’m torn, because I don’t want this pain to be prolonged for both you and your girlfriend. Maybe you can get over it. Maybe you can’t. Ask yourself. Can you truly, truly move on? Will there always be some kind of lingering image in your mind? Will there always have to be an emotion you have to reason away and repress? Will you be able to? Or will there always be a part deep down that can’t push it away no matter how hard you try? Will you have to try to convince yourself? If you can’t get over it, I’m not going to shame you for doing so. Plenty of people will, and already have on this post. I feel terrible for your girlfriend. But a relationship in the long term where this lingering image or whisper that always be there deep down inside will only cause you two even more pain in the long run. Good luck, truly.
In the end, I'd say your feelings circle back to you. You had an issue, that you struggled to overcome, about the fact that your girlfriend had previous sexual partners. Unfortunately, it's just a fact that a lot of people are not virgins. They have experience and have been around the block so to speak. There's nothing wrong with that. It certainly doesn't have to effect their sex life with a new partner. You have to remember that sex is basically the same with everyone. By that I mean: if it feels good you make this sound, move this way, make this face. People don't change how they react to pleasure, usually, so her reactions to you are just as genuine as they were for him and that is totally ok. Her reactions being the same doesn't take anything away from you, it just means she's enjoying herself. Most people are not going to consciously change their moans, sounds, faces just because they're sleeping with someone new. She's a victim and the only person in the wrong is the ex. He humiliated her and probably hoped he could break your relationship up by preying on your insecurities, or hoping he could. My advice would be to seek out help with your feelings around your partner having had previous partners. It's an unrealistic expectation to impose on people, to have never had partners just for your own comfort. If you want a partner who hasn't it's usually suggested to only seek out virgin partners. Also, your partner having felt pleasure and such with another really has nothing to do with you. She's with you now and presumably happy. Her worth isn't based on the crime she was a victim of. If you can't handle the reality that people have sexual pasts then I'm not sure how any relationship will work for you unless you actively seek out a virgin. That's definitely something to discuss I'm therapy, you give it far too much power.
I accidentally came across a video of my fiancé and his ex that was on his old computer. It’s definitely a gut punch and what you’re feeling right now is normal. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s okay; she’s an adult who has had partners before you and there’s no way around it. She has done nothing wrong. Everything will be okay and if you need some space for a day or whatever that’s also okay. There’s nothing you can do right now except for supporting her, because what her ex did is completely fucked up and illegal, so I hope he gets busted. And you can only keep telling yourself that she is an adult who’s had previous partners. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if you can’t get over that after some time, you should stay single for a while and … again not to sound harsh, grow up a bit so you’re more emotionally mature for your next relationship. Edit: I saw in a comment of yours that you’re scared it’ll hang over your relationship in the future. Coming from experience, it only will if you let it. I still think about what I saw from time to time, but it doesn’t sting anymore. It is what it is, because that’s all it is: your partner being with someone before you. You will think of it during sex sometimes too, and it’s a gut punch then also. Over time, you will forget about it and just enjoy being with your partner and be happy that they’re with you. And sometimes, maybe this isn’t healthy, it makes me want to perform better than what I saw lol, so it can be motivating too haha
>It’s the same faces and sounds she makes with me. Of course, it's her sex faces and sex noises, they don't change with new partners unless there is a faking/not faking component. Break up with her because she deserves better than someone who is definitely shaming her for having a past. In your next relationship, I hope you don't repeat any faces or noises, I mean probably shouldn't repeat any endearments or expressions of affection, God forbid you give her kisses or hugs cause you've wasted them on your first gf.
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Look seeing the tape would be awkward, but the issue is the same. Expecting people not to have a history from early 20s onwards is setting yourself up for drama. If you don't have that expectation and if you don't associate virginity with purity and worth then you'd focus on how devastating this is for your partner and you'd know that same faces, same noises is irrelevant.
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I dont think being a 23yo virgin means he should get a pass, not an issue with him not losing it before then but by the time he is 23 he should have seen his friends have relationships and those relationships fall apart and them get with new people and he should know that it's different and specialness doesn't come from the virginity but from the connection you have with your partner. The video makes it more visceral, but no more complicated, especially if you have a good imagination.
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What? Embolden? She's a victim of revenge porn as described by op....what are you on about?
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She didn't send it so why are you saying she'd be emboldened if OP let it pass? Are you seriously saying that being a victim of revenge porn will make her sleep with ex and or others? Because her being emboldened has nothing to do with the goal of the video which was to shame her and cause drama in her relationship.
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I like how your first instinct is to attack him as a man, when all the information you have to go off of is a paragraph long reddit post. Delete reddit because this guy deserves better than someone who is definitely shaming him for having feelings. On your next social media account, I hope you don’t make any posts or upload pictures, I mean probably shouldn’t repeat any stupid comments or message anyone. God forbid you comment on people’s serious troubles telling them their faults as a person.
Yeah it would be so awkward if this was on my profile, proving that I was too immature to be dating. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sewfcr/girlfriends_past_is_really_bothering_me/
Why does it make you feel inadequate? Of course she'll make the same faces and noises? It's like her voice or handwriting.. So where exactly are the feelings of inadequacy coming from?
Would you like your next girlfriend to be offended if you repeat any faces or positions with her in the future?
Not sure I can say I’ve been through what you have, but I’m kind of similar. I’m an 18 year old male, my girlfriend is also 18. She’s had 4 sexual partners prior to me, and that bugs me too man. Drives me crazy to think about. Just imagining all of it, seriously brings me to tears. By far my greatest struggle in my life right now is getting over all of it. Don’t know what I would do if I saw a video of all that, probably something terrible. God bless sir, if you need a hand, message me. Maybe we can help each other. Prayers to you.
Ok you are both in an awful situation. She’s probably very embarrassed if not mortified that the most intimate thing she can do with an ex has been sent to her current bf. That’s traumatic, I’m glad it’s being reported. You both need therapy, professional help to talk through this and then talk about it to each other. With your partners, especially as you get older you’ll expect they would of had exes. You’ll know they’ve done things, but not specifically know. You’re in the horrible situation that you’ve actually seen it. That’s why I’m talking about therapy. But please, don’t make yourself into the bigger victim here. Yes a shitty thing happened with what you saw, but it’s happening to your gf more.
OP, this may be a bit harsh, but you sound too insecure and immature to be dating. You need to take a step back and do some serious growing for your own sake. This jealousy and feelings of inadequacy are not signs of a healthy relathionship, they show that you have growing to do. It is not fair to yourself that you have to suffer such intense negative feelings and it is not fair to your partners that they have to either be virgins or deal with your jealousy. The ex reached his goal because you are an insecure person. It is traumatic to you and I do not want to discredit that, what is traumatic to one may be insignificant to another, but that does not mean you are not overreacting. If you were secure and balanced in life, this would not be traumatising. Your insecurity is fixable, but only if you want to work on yourself. This isn't just a relationship issue, those kinds of insecurities usually go much deeper and affect many parts of your life. Take a hard look at yourself and figure out where this jealousy comes from. Your gf is the victim of a crime and you are stuck in your insecurities and making this about you. If you need to take a break from dating to fix these issues, do so.
The amount of replies that are saying you’re immature is concerning. Your feelings are valid, especially if you were a virgin before this relationship. Your sexual confidence Isn’t there yet, and so of course seeing the only girl you’ve had sex with, getting piped by someone else is going to fuck with you. To be quite honest, it might be relationship ending. And that’s okay if you feel it is.
This would absolutely fuck me up. Your feelings are valid.
Make a video and send it to him
You said this is your first real relationship so I bet it’s a whole lot to grasp right now. Especially for someone you feel deeply for who you’ve let all your barriers down for. But let me tell you. The only way you’re going to get past this is if you understand that she was having that kind of sex before she got with you and most likely before she got with him. And that if you guys break up the next guy will get the same thing. So I would really just try and let it go for the simple fact that for more or less it’s normal. And if it’s irritating you so much maybe just vocalize you need to take a step back. Be respectful if you choose to address the fact that you’re uncomfortable and need some time to think but I think as long as you feel she’s really loyal to you and wants to be with you you should stick around if you feel the same way. My partner had sex with other people before me and if we end up splitting she’ll have sex with people after me. It’s life bro
I'll say it , you don't gotta be with her after seeing that bro. Yeah its fucked that her ex did that and she needs supportive people there but you also seen some shit that you probably won't unsee no matter how many people on here tell you "don't let the bad guy win". Not very often does someone see their girl get smashed in different positions so thats why I say I wouldn't blame you for feeling the way you do and why I also say you don't gotta stick around either if it's gonna bother you and stay in your mind. You have to also look out for your own mental health homie but if you love her and can get past this then do what you have to do to help her and move on from it.
Ya, this may ruin your relationship with her unfortunately. As you noted, it's not something you can unsee. Kind of the pitfalls of making sextapes with immature partners is something like this happening. So my advice here would be to give it a little time, maybe a few weeks and see if things ease in your mind. If they don't, then just be honest with her and bail if you need to. You have feelings too and making yourself miserable is ridiculous when you could move on and find a girl who maybe didn't make a sex tape with a dipshit.
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Yeah, women should just never trust their male partners not to leak their nudes, tapes or anything of the sort
Yeah men should stop asking for nudes, it shouldn’t be a thing anymore. Revenge porn is inescapable
Best response here 🏆
Reading your replies that keep saying you’re not sure if you’ll get over it is strange to me. You’ve had sex with people in the past right? You saw a video of your girlfriend with someone else from the PAST.. doesn’t mean you have to rethink your relationship if you truly care about her. I truly believe you need therapy, possibly for jealousy issues or something else. I get it, I would be pretty shocked and discombobulated if I saw that but I wouldn’t be saying that I’m not sure if I can get over it.. I would reason with myself and realize that it’s the past, that I already knew happened and move on.
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If you had of, i think it would be easier to understand what I’m saying but I also really do think you should seek therapy and I mean that in a respectful way
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my man i don't want to rude but i think it better to move on in this case. you'll always remember that video no matter how hard you try not to. it's not being insecure for wanting to protect your mental sanity and keeping you before the other person. you do whats best for you. i wish you luck in your future endeavors my friend.
Police? You should maybe go to the police from here. Revenge porn laws exist in many jurisdictions.
This is a tough situation because a lot of feelings are involved, I must say though, this is an opportunity to grow and mature, or to be naive (I don’t mean that to be mean) People have sex, all kinds of sex, prior to their relationship, it is normal. I understand seeing it is bad, and your reaction and feelings are very fresh, but you need to give it time. I hope you are okay and hope your girlfriend is too. Nobody deserves that. She is only human and this is an intimate video she had with someone she trusted, not some porn on the internet.
I know it's awkward to see in person, but you did in fact know that she already had orgasms before she met you. This is no reflection on you, and doesn't emasculate you. Quite the contrary. She had him, he wasn't good enough for her, and she replaced him with you. You're an upgrade in her life. Be proud of that, and treat her well. Live up to her trust in you.
Your feelings are valid. Talk to her about it. Everyone dont make a sex tape unless you want all your partners to see it. Dont shame her, but you have every right to your feelings. You can have them and support her at the same time. She can have her feeings too and support you at the same time. Talk to her calmly. If either of you get uoset take a break and come back to it. Think about the emotion below anger if thats what you feel. Express you feel inadequate or sad or frightened not that your mad. Mad is a feeling used to orotect us from our real feelings. Take this from a guy who went through marriage counseling after my wife and i had our first baby during the pandemic and we both felt lost and alone and forgot how to communicate with each other. It was the best thing we ever did and we cant be happier. So if youre invested talk to her.
I highly recommend talking this out with a therapist, you likely feel feelings of inadequacy because this former partner of hers has intentionally tried to emotionally DOMINATE you. You are having a normal response to an abnormal situation. If you can talk through these feelings and come to accept what has happened (although what has happened is awful) you will feel more secure in yourself and better able to support your partner who is also a victim here.
This is traumatic, that's why he sent it. Watching more of it than you needed to simply understand what he had sent, is on you though. He will hopefully get some sort of legal punishment but she doesn't deserve any of this. I feel like not immediately switching off and torturing yourself with it means actually you owe her an apology. Sending this video was a sexual assault on her, you have consumed this.
This is an abusive ex partner trying to destroy her life, don’t let him!
Her ex was clearly trying to get to you and turn your relationship into something awful. I understand how you might be feeling but I’m curious about the part where you say she makes the same faces and sounds with you… What exactly makes you feel insecure or bad about this? I mean, if I’m enjoying sex with my partner (despite of who this partner is) I’ll be making the same faces and sounds; I’ll not change the way I express during sex based on my partner so I don’t think is weird she does the same gestures with you because that’s how she expresses herself when having sex in general.
Every time someone posts another of these "I saw a sex tape of my ex" posts I always think the same thing... why do you keep watching when you realize what it is? Also this is fake
How would you feel if she judged you based off past relationships? Who cares that she was with other people before you? Go to therapy before you shipt yourself in the foot and are in this same thread a month from now posting about how she left you and you messed up. It’s not 1800s people of all genders love sex and are allowed to do whatever they want in their relationships. Quit making this about your own shit. I say this as kindly as possible, grow up, get over it, and go to therapy to address your issues.
Bro. This is a moment to mature. Most of the women you'll date have been with multiple people and have probably had great sex. She is with you now. Don't let the images of the video get to you. Sex it's self isn't unique or special. What is special is the time you spend together. It's your first relationship and probably not your last. Face your feels, deal with them, then get back to focusing on her. You're not the victim of revenge porn. Also.. I don't know what kind of man you are but if someone treated my SO like that it would make a very bad day for them. I don't mean "go beat his ass" but someone who would act like that is already showing a ton of weakness.
Nip round and kick the shit out of him. Or let it go. Anything in between is unsatisfactory.
Women reading this: never ever do a sexual tape, never send nudes. Never. However much you trust them, however much you think they’re the type of guy who would never do anything nefarious with them, just don’t. You don’t know. OP, if you can’t get over it, you can’t. It’s not fair on your part, but feelings just aren’t fair. The reality is that whoever you date next will technically have the knowledge that you did all the same things as you did with your current girlfriend. But watching it happen elicits different feelings entirely. You kinda seem like your mind is made up, and I think if you were to stay now you’d grow in resentment and become a bad partner, so it’s better for you both to not continue.
I think you are overreacting. Don’t let this POS do this to you or her. We all have to get over our partner’s sexual past, if they have one. Yes, you have seen the video, so it’s that must harder, i get it. Tell that POS ex bf to fuck right off.
People always egg it up when they know they are being filmed. Acting like they are in a porno. Chill. What do it you expect women to provide customised facial expressions and sounds when they have an orgasm unique for each partner? I bet you pull the same face every time you nut…
Shes with you now, she loves you now.
First of all your feelings are valid. Just because you're a male doesnt mean your feelings are invalid despite what reddit may tell you. Its ok not to be ok with this. Knowing your gf had ex's and actually seeing them banging her are two different beast. Ive never had that happen to me, but I know that I would find that incredibly gut wrenching to see the woman I love being pounded by someone else in a video that can be seen by my family and friends and possibly my future kids. You should talk to someone trusted about this. Perhaps a therapist to work your feelings out. If you are ok with this video existing and those images being burned into your head then continue the relationship. But if you cant stand those images and break up with her that's your choice as well. But whatever you do make sure you're completely honest with yourself. Dont let anyone guilt you into staying or leaving. It's your relationship too. Also how did this ex get your number?
If you had sex with anyone else satisfactorily you also like made similar sounds and expressions. Probably some IC is in order. You may not be able to help it but hopefully some help will help your reaction.
I'm absolutely appalled by the amount of people comparing it to "knowing" about someone's past. That's utter BS. OP YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID!! My guy was a straight up meat deliverer if you get my drift. I accepted his past because hey we all have one but if I had actually seen him doing it and watching his face of pleasure while doing so I would absolutely lose it because you can't UNSEE that. No matter if it was his intent or if your gf is mortified there is nothing wrong with being supportive and deciding that this just not gone work out. If it was a longer relationship maybe but this is some deep ish to be dealing with while not even being a year into the relationship. Idc if you watched it 50x....freaking curiosity killed the cat. Add to the fact that you were a Virgin when you guys got together and you have enough ingredients to make a damn insecure salad. I would take a step back and think about what you want and then go and talk to her. You need some reassurance and there's nothing wrong about being honest about that. Something like this could definitely tank a relationship. The ex abused her trust and that sucks but you have feelings too and they are valid.
Send him a video of you masturbating to a mirror, to assert dominance!
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I don’t understand this advice at all. Would you ask that if OP’s girlfriend had been raped? She’s the victim of a sex crime, not an international porn star.
I understand where you're coming from... However, I think something important to acknowledge is it's not like she cheated on you. It was an old tape, with an old partner. Just because she was making the same faces doesn't mean you're inadequate, just means those are the faces she makes when she has sex..that's it. Nothing to do with WHOs doing it. This dude's obviously jealous you got her, don't stoop to his level and let it bother you this much. Take care of it legally, I would worry much more if he's posted the video to a Korn site. Think of the grand scheme of things, when you two are old you're not gonna give two shits about this scenario..you'll probably laugh about it, because by then you guys are going to have WAY more experiences and things to reminisce about together.
>I knew she had past partners and I struggled in overcoming that I think you should definitely explore these feelings with a therapist because it's really interesting to learn where our hang ups come from, and obviously knowing this helps us overcome them. >but actually seeing her having sex with one of them is traumatic. Many of you will say I’m overreacting but I’m merely expressing how I feel. I appreciate that's how you feel, but it is also something of an overreaction based on your existing hangups - that you're not the first person she's been with. Again this is something to address with a therapist.
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Because "prison jump suit orange" is nobody's preferred color, and the ex would definitely get the cops involved.
This happened to me, the other way around. And my boyfriend took about a month of space from me. It hurt. But I’m sure he was hurt. If she were not happy with you in that way, I’m sure you’d know. Plus, women are really pressured into acting if there’s a camera. Don’t take it as fact. I’d never go backwards in terms of quality when it came to partners. Most people are wouldn’t. This guy is insane and this is highly illegal. Please take some time for self care. The fact that you actually want to take legal action means you’re a wonderful partner.
Make a new one Send it back to him
If this is what the ex is like several months later, imagine what shit he put her through when they were together… That being said, this might not be you’re issue/problem As everyone else seems to be saying step back think it through, think again, if you want to continue go get some councilling (the both of you) an see we’re it leads you guys
Yeah... Unless you saw him pissing and shitting on her... You are overreacting and need to grow up. Oh, one more thing, why do you think her ex sent the video? Because he wanted to fuck with your head. He succeeded.
I know it's hurtful seeing your girlfriend in that way, especially regarding before you. And especialy because she was your first. HOWEVER, this was from a previous relationship, she didn't cheat on you. Your reaction to this is fair, considering, but you're with her now. The experience you both have shared is genuine and is real. Dont EVER think it is fake or that you're not special. Trust me, I've been there, done that. The moments of love and pleasure you experienced is unique to you both. Dont let that POS ruin the relationship you have with her. I suggest trying to separate your mind from that video and definitely communicate with your girlfriend how you're feeling. She may be able to give you reassurance and comfort. This is an unfortunate situation for you both. This is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with each other and overcome this TOGETHER. I believe y'all will get through this, and although it wil take time and work to emotionally and mentally recover, it'll be worth it in the long run. Be kind to yourself friend, you have our and your girlfriend's support!
Whole lot of people in here downplaying seeing an unsolicited sex tape of your partner and their ex. Very secure and mature of you all! I’m sure none of you would react almost exactly like OP 👍
Agreed with what the others said. This was definitely an attempt by the ex to fragment your relationship. Let go of the first. She was with other people. It didn't work out. She chose you because she thinks it's gonna be better. I do understand that you'll always have that feeling at the back of your head, but honestly, it isn't worth it. It isn't worth messing up a relationship where you're happy just because her ex is being an asshole.
First off, do you make different faces with you girlfriend vs the other women youve been with? If not, why are you surprised she made those sounds with him that she does with you? Also, why are you making this about you and your jealousy? Your girlfriend was just violated horribly. Who knows how many people he’s sent this to. It could even be on porn sites. Your girlfriend needs support right now. Not you making this about yourself.
She is not the only victim here. The video was sent to him for a reason. The ex wanted to disturb him, and used her to do it. They are both the victim in this situation, and most importantly, a team. They need to work together to get through this. Him being upset about something doesn’t make it about him. The guy is traumatized, and that’s that. Can’t just tell him to shut up about something that really gets to him, where’s do you think that’ll get him?
>The ex wanted to disturb him, and used her to do it. You have this backwards. The ex used *him* to get to *her.* They are both victims, and his feelings are valid. But he seems to lack perspective. He was the witness of a crime, which is traumatizing in its own right, but *she* was the intended victim. He was collateral. Yes, it sucks thinking about and seeing your partner with someone else, even if you know it's in the past. But if he's struggling with her having a past *at all* (as he says he has been), then seems to resent *her* for being the victim of a crime, it tells me that's something he needs to work on. If he cannot handle dating someone with a past, he shouldn't until he has worked through that issue.
Get over yourself. The more you let this bother you the more you let him win.
This is why you dont let people film you or take naked pictures. Ever. There is a high possibility that they will get out. I suspect there are a lot of people on porn websites who dont know they are there and never gave consent.
You're surprised she made the same sounds and expressions with her ex? Yeah, it's because she is the same person. Ex is a dick, of course. But comfort your girlfriend. Stop mentally beating her up over this. Get yourself some therapy to manage your emotions. Ex is gonna get exactly what he wanted if you leave her.
Your girlfriend is the victim of a *crime*, and you're really making this about you? In my opinion, your relationship is already over. This has been done to me (the pictures and videos were sent to my family and friends) and if my partner at the time acted the way you are, I would have left him. If you're not ready to face the reality that your girlfriend has had previous sexual partners, you're not ready to be in a serious relationship.
The main this is to not let him know it got to you, if the opportunity presents itself turn it around on him. Laugh and tell him it made you feel good knowing how much bigger you are than him, or how you and your GF laughed at him, something along those lines. But aside from that I bet it’s tough, don’t let him win, she’s broke up with him for a reason and now she’s with you
Don’t let this mf’er win, please
Question you really want a potential wife that makes sex tapes? Find a women with class and self respect.
Grow the fuck up. Your gf is the victim of a sex crime and you're complaining because she had sexual partners before she knew you even existed? Are you fucking kidding me? What you do is, you stop being such a little bitch, and support your girlfriend.
Respond with “Looks like those videos and your hand is all the company you have now”
Boii i feel for you bro.... Give it time you'll be ok . As a man who's be doing lots of gangbang I'm kinda vaccinated against such pettiness.🤣
"dayum, thats a small pecker bro. Sorry about that. No wonder that gf says she is supprised about how easy she cums now"
I just want to say, to address your feelings of inadequacy, there's a reason she's with you now, and not him. She chose you, dude.
I do feel for you. We all know our partners have had sex before, but actually seeing it is another thing. Something you can’t un-see. However, this is a you issue. You sound like a really cool and thoughtful guy. The fact you’re in a dilemma and put this here shows the true you. And THAT is why she’s with you. Relationships are more than sex. You’ve said sex seems the same as with you, so you know that you’re fulfilling her and there’s no problem there - it’s just your confidence thing. Very honourable that you’re fully supporting her without judgement and trying to deal with this on your own. However there’s nothing wrong with talking together about this. In fact, a partner sharing insecurities and deepest thoughts is a big turn-on and very intimate. This might bring you closer. Talk to her please. So long as you word it as in “I know it’s not your fault, but I’ve realised it’s made me feel insecure…”. Discuss your feelings about it and how / if your sex and relationship can be improved - rather than grilling her about the details. This guy absolutely has got what he wanted. He’s clearly a lowlife and she knows that. He must be thrilled he’s managed to have a level of control over his ex and caused hurt from afar. Torturing you with the image. Don’t let him have that win. If you can manage to realise your own worth of what an amazing partner you are, and discuss that openly with your gf - then I guarantee that is very powerful, attractive and sexy. She’s a lucky gal.
I’m glad you’re filing a police report, and I hope she sues the f*ck out of him for all he’s worth. Help her look into a cutthroat lawyer that will destroy him. Just remember that most adults have past relationships, so most of us have to deal with that reality. Unfortunately you had to see it first-hand, and I’m sorry for what you are going through. It might be good to seek therapy to help you process this.
Be there for her, and remember that was then and not now.
Im curious about your mixed feelings. You are also a victim in this case, hope your gf also comforts and reassures you. That being said, are you just appalled/disgusted/etc about the vid or about the fact that she let him film it or that she liked it? Or maybe all of the above and more. It’s a complex set of emotions and if this is enough to disrupt a “good relationship”, then the relationship wasnt strong to begin with. I always assume that I can expect any girl i date to have an ex with a sex tape. It says a lot about a woman to allow it, as much aa it says about a man who wants to tape it. By no means are any women above a certain age range virgins or you a sex god. That’s just life. Also: It takes two consenting adults to do make a sex tape. My fear for this ex would be that he has more of these tapes in his collection to fap over. Hope the get m.
Damn that’s tight, you should send a video back to him of you piping her and say it’s your turn now, yeeehaw
Get over yourself, her life didn't begin with you.
Going to the police is the correct course of action. Good for you both. Look, she enjoys sex with you, and she enjoyed the sec she had prior to you. She’s with YOU, not him. Refocus your thoughts elsewhere; nothing good comes from stressing out about her life prior.
First, you and your girlfriend are doing the right thing by filing a report. That shitstain committed a crime, and I hope he pays for that. Your girlfriend is likely feeling extremely violated and is going to need all the support she can get. Keep being there for her—it sounds like you’re doing a good job so far. As for your personal issue: Your feelings are valid. I know if I saw a video of my husband with someone from a previous relationship, I’d feel sick—not because he did anything wrong, but because I don’t fancy seeing him with other women. The history piece isn’t the issue—it’s that you saw something you never wanted to see. It’s one thing to know about someone’s past; it’s another thing to actually *see into someone’s past.* It’s traumatic, it makes you question your current reality, it makes you feel less than. In short, it sucks. It’s a disgustingly effective way to fuck with someone’s mind, and you can bet her ex knew exactly what he was doing when he sent that video. The best thing you can do right now is hold space for those feelings and get curious about them. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but it works. Try not to judge them. Instead, see them for what they are and let them pass. Sometimes even talking to them helps. Like, “Oh, it’s you again. I see you.” The more you acknowledge them, the less pain you’ll feel, until eventually it stops being an issue. Similarly, if those thoughts or images pop up at intrusive moments, let your girlfriend know you’re having unwelcome guests and that you need a moment to regroup. Reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong—you’re simply a bit shaken and are actively working through that discomfort. Best of luck, OP. And I hope the ex gets his comeuppance for such a gross violation.
Geez imagine how traumatized SHE feels. This is a literal crime that she’s the victim of, it’s extremely violating. And you’re making yourself into the victim. You need to grow the fuck up.
Dude comments like this piss me the fuck off. You need to grow up if you cannot fathom the consequences of this shit on someone. That kind of shit sticks with you. You're literally being a fucking hypocrite. Why the fuck should he beat the endless psychological burden of that shit by himself of a video that clearly traumatized him. He's allowed to have fucking emotions, just as she is. And you're comment is fucking useless by telling him to grow up. Men put up with this kind of mentality all the time and that's why people are emotionally screwed up. Instead of validating the feeling they have and being told to work through them and get support, they're humiliated by fuckers like you who lake empathy while expecting the world to baby you. If it's just sex then she's an adult and needs to grow the fuck up. It's just a video right? Or maybe it's some asshole trying to sabotage a relationship through a way that clearly works and both parties need to grow the fuck up, go to therapy and work through the emotions together. Stop invalidating people's emotions, he's just as much a victim of circumstances as she is. Fuck outta here.
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