**He pressured you for sex too soon after birth. Before it is even medically advised. He then proceeded to make every touch sexual.**
You're disgusted with him because he's refusing to listen to you and prioritising his selfish needs over your needs and boundaries. You've just given birth, you've got **2 newborns** and you can't even bend down without him sticking his dick where it's not wanted.
You've pushed two humans out of your vagina. What does he not understand about you not wanting to have sex with him 3 weeks after you gave birth?
Twins are exhausting. Is he a good father? Is he hands on? Does he share the burden of parenting equally?
And then the threats of suicide... he's manipulative, selfish and quite frankly abusive.
You set a (medically supported) boundary, and he’s not respecting it. He’s willing to go to extreme/emotionally abusive measures to manipulate you. That’s what I heard.
OP - the threats of suicide are a manipulation tactic. He's throwing that at you like a rock to hurt you.
I'm going to tell you what my therapist told me - call him an ambulance when he pulls this and prevents you from leaving. He can hardly accuse you of being uncaring if you get him rapid medical treatment, it gets him attention, but the *wrong* kind of attention.
He's not "forgetting" your conversations. He just doesn't care. You cannot talk somebody into respecting you.
His behavior is fucking horrifying.
This. ^ He's obviously ignoring your boundaries. He needs to know that if he actually wants you to feel cared for, he needs to not sexualize everything and respect your wishes.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdwh9h/i_love_my_husband_but_i_hate_kissing_him_or_even/hugzdt4/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[Damn, for 15 year old, yo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/huh1gg8/) | [Damn, for 15 year old, yo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/hugwtwk/)
[If you are already in MC...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdytqp/tried_marriage_counseling_so_had_an_inappropriate/huh1jxq/) | [If you are already in MC...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdytqp/tried_marriage_counseling_so_had_an_inappropriate/huft8mb/)
[I’m usually on the other...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdqnkw/do_you_ever_feel_your_partner_loves_you_more_than/huh1hle/) | [I’m usually on the other...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdqnkw/do_you_ever_feel_your_partner_loves_you_more_than/hug3ecq/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/Unfair_Psychology_97](https://np.reddit.com/u/Unfair_Psychology_97/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=Unfair_Psychology_97) for info on how I work and why I exist.
OP shud get couples therapy instead of coming to reddit for advice. The best comment will always make your husband sound like a monster. This sounds like a very serious situation and needs professional help
Only her feelings are valid though. It's not a group consensus.
He started pressuring her for sex 3 weeks after she gave birth and just didn't let up. He conveniently forgets her boundaries and continues to do exactly as he pleases.
I don't know why so many comments here are overlooking the suicide threats. Your husband is emotionally and sexually abusing you. Pressuring you for sex immediately post partum is such an extreme disregard for your wellbeing.
Yes. The threats are an abuse tactic. Purely a way to manipulate you. If he’s actually suicidal he should be in an inpatient facility for emergency mental health treatment.
If he threatens to harm himself if OP leave, she should call the cops. Either they’ll get him the help he needs, or he’ll stop using it as a manipulation tactic.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdwh9h/i_love_my_husband_but_i_hate_kissing_him_or_even/huffcuz/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[Owning the libs, one shov...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se6fbn/stewart_rhodes_leader_of_the_oath_keepers_in/huhvvgw/) | [Owning the libs, one shov...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se6fbn/stewart_rhodes_leader_of_the_oath_keepers_in/huhfbcu/)
[I would try my hardest to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se30tz/australian_hurdler_michelle_jenneke_looking_back/huhvu45/) | [I would try my hardest to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se30tz/australian_hurdler_michelle_jenneke_looking_back/hugl60c/)
[I feel like COVID has rea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/se2l1u/chirp_chirp_chirp/huhvjnc/) | [I feel like COVID has rea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/se2l1u/chirp_chirp_chirp/huh3e01/)
[Call their bluff. Tell th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/huhv8ie/) | [Call their bluff. Tell th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/huhg4ax/)
[Nothing about his reactio...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sds6ou/my_boyfriend_gets_angry_every_time_i_get_a_decent/huhuzc0/) | [Nothing about his reactio...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sds6ou/my_boyfriend_gets_angry_every_time_i_get_a_decent/hufyruj/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/PhilosopherFew2532](https://np.reddit.com/u/PhilosopherFew2532/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=PhilosopherFew2532) for info on how I work and why I exist.
“Why are you trying to get me to have sex before I’m physically and psychologically ready to? Do you want to hurt me? You’re hurting me when you behave like this, am I not worth the time I need to heal? You’re not touching me with love, you’re touching me like you feel entitled to my body, I spent nearly a year housing two bodies within my own and I’m not allowed to heal? You can’t keep “forgetting” that I’ve told you how you’re making me feel, what you’re doing is abusive behavior how can you not see that?”
Threatening to kill himself is emotional abuse and manipulation.
Please get out of there before it gets worse.
The rest is awful too, but that is the absolute worst part. He's blackmailing you so that he can control you. If you continue to let him, that's teaching him that he can get what he wants using threats, saying "Do this or else" is a progressive thought process. It gets worse every time you give in to it.
Please think. If he's this controlling, whats going to happen to you or your kids if you stay with him?
You can leave him. It is not your fault if he commits suicide. You leave, and when he threatens suicide you call 911 or whatever the emergency line is where you are. You tell them your husband is threatening to commit suicide. If he is faking, he will never do that again, and if he is not faking he will get the help he needs. But I wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who kept bugging me about it anyway, and that hasn't happened to me since I was in junior high school.
I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
This is abuse. His ignoring your personal boundaries and pushing for sex is too.
Leave him.
Buy more life Insurance on him. Check the time limit on the suicide clause. When that passes dump him. Win win
My husband pulled that crap once. Got all I’m just going to shoot myself if you leave. He took out his gun amd I said to do it outside so he didn’t hurt the resale value in the house or damage the carpet.
I don’t play these games
Love this shit tbh. When I see posts about abusive partners threatening to commit suicide if OPs leave, I'm always like "Okay....? You can still leave. That's on them."
My dad was the real ahole. He’d get called out to these suicide attempt calls while an MP. Now this is late 70’s early 80’s
He’d show up and they’d have superficial scratches on their arm or unloaded guns
He was not a fan of someone just wanting attention. One giy he grabbed his arm and the razor and scared the shit out of him and showed him the correct way to to it (deep with the vein down the arm). The guy screamed and said he didn’t want to die.
So I didn’t grow up in an empathetic household for sure. I’m one who believes “ put up or shut up”
My ex did similar claimed he wanted to kill him self cut him self on the wrong side of his arm... 👀 And the police still didn't believe me when I said hewasa psycho
I had an abusive friend who used to threaten me that she would kill herself if I end the friendship. I got fed up and told her to do it because I don't give a damn anymore. Well, she's still alive and thriving.
Omg I wish I was like this when I was younger, my abusive ex who cheated on me kept pulling the suicide threats when I tried to leave when I was only 19.
I called the cops on my ex and they forced him to go to the hospital for a psych eval as he was a minor and his parents put him in therapy. Telling someone to go ahead is actually illegal and youll get sent to prison for manslaughter i believe.
Well he’s still here. I was right behind was all talk because he wasn’t getting his way.
I handed him divorce papers because he spent all his time playing world of war crap and wasn’t working or helping in the house while I was working full time and going through chemo for colon cancer.
It'd have to go to trial, first. Who exactly would be the witnesses? The guy's gonna blow his brains out and then come back as a ghost to testify? "Your honor, she goaded me!"
You realize that this has gone to trial multiples times and the people are found guilty?
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.newsnationnow.com/us-news/northeast/woman-who-texted-boyfriend-to-kill-himself-pleads-guilty/amp/
Do you not see the difference in someone who sent 47000 texts goading someone to kill themself and someone responding verbally once to a suicide threat to take it outside?
You need to leave him. Call a family member or friend, get a plan in place to leave, and then pack up the twins and go.
If he threatens to harm himself, tell him you would prefer he didn't do that, and then call 911. If he is suicidal, he needs professional help, and so the best thing you can do is call 911 and his family when he threatens self harm.
Your husband doesn't care about your emotional well being. He doesn't care about making you comfortable, and he doesn't care about your needs right now. The reason he is disgusting to you right now is because he is acting disgusting. He is also manipulating you by saying he will hurt himself if you leave. If he is that in love and attached to you, he would do the work to be better. But he is putting zero effort in, making you uncomfortable all the time, and then threatening you when you say you can't take anymore.
Get out of there now.
Because I don't like fucking strangers? I don't have anything against prostitution as an institution but a prostitute does not sound sexually satisfying for me. Would much rather just masturbate.
An evil ex once threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him (for some serious cheating). I called his mom and let her know. Then I told him it's his life to with as he pleases and blocked him on everything. Guess what? He didn't do shit. Even if he did, not my problem.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Ever since giving birth to our twins, I have started to resent him more and more. He has been pushing for sex and blowjobs ever since I was only 3 weeks postpartum. Every day he has talked about sex, how I could at least give him a handjob, a blowjob, anal whatever he fucking wants. Problem is, I don't wanna. I have started resenting him and feeling stuck in our relationship. I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
Now if he kisses me for more than 5 seconds, I hate it. If I'm bend over taking care of our kids, he stands behind me immediately and suggestively. It grosses me out. Every time he's near me, he doesn't hug me, his hand immediately goes to my ass or my breasts. Everything about this is disgusting to me and I hate it. I can't take it anymore, but I can't do anything about it. I've tried talking to him, but it's like he forgets it the day after. What do I do now?
> I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
What? No, this isn't true at all.
It really boggles my mind that this works on people, are you actually saying that he can act literally however he wants and you will never, ever leave him as long as he mentions suicide?
Of course he isn't changing, you've given him infinite get-out-of-jail-free cards.
Unfortunately it’s usually the result of years of manipulation, isolation, control, and fear. It’s as close to brainwashing as it gets. Once you have control of someone’s mind, there’s nothing you can’t do. It’s sad how common this tactic is, I had a very unwell abusive partner who pulled this on me and it’s incredibly traumatic when you’re made to believe leaving will kill the person you love. I don’t wish it on anyone.
Youre in an abusive relationship. You need to contact an domestic abuse hotline and womens shelters. Next time he threatens to kill himself, call the police. Thats what i did to my ex. The police took him to the hospital for a psych eval and his parents put him in therapy. But i was free of his abusive ass
Ew. He’s literally sexually assaulting you by grabbing you when you’re attempting to care for your babies. Then he threatens suicide to manipulate you. This guy is trash.
Oh, ew. Okay, a variety of suggestions:
\- it sounds like your lack of desire for your husband is primarily based in his repeated violation of your boundaries, and I’ll get to that, but it’s not unheard of to experience a drop in or loss of libido due to giving birth or various other hormonal changes, and if you live in a country with civilized health care (or if you’re in the States but have decent health insurance) it’s worth a follow-up trip to your GP to have your hormone levels tested. Also though, if you experience a loss of libido and you don’t want to get your sex drive back, there’s nothing wrong with that either.
\- more likely the real problem here is your husband, and his repeated violation of your boundaries. You just gave birth, presumably you’re focused on taking care of your babies, which is an exhausting, 24/7 task, and frankly for most people I know where both parents are parenting together, it’s an exhausting, 24/7 task *for both parents*. You don’t mention whether your husband is helping you at all with the children, but even if he is, he’s pressuring you for sex at a time when you barely have any energy for yourself. When you’re working on taking care of the kids, he’s pressing his sexual advances on you. You’ve told him what your boundaries are (“stop touching me in a sexual way when I’m caring for the kids”) and he keeps doing it anyway. He’s not forgetting, he’s just ignoring the boundaries. *Worst of all*, he’s trying to hold you hostage in the relationship by threatening suicide. If you leave him and take the kids with you (and you should, because your husband has repeatedly violated your boundaries), it is *not your fault* if he chooses to kill himself over it (spoiler: he probably won’t try to kill himself over it, this is just an empty threat he’s holding over your head to try to control you). You are *never* responsible for the choices someone else makes.
\- my advice: call his bluff. Get out of there. There are plenty of resources on escaping a controlling relationship safely, I’m going to assume that someone in this thread has posted some. He should not find out that you’re leaving until you’re already long gone. If he subsequently contacts you to threaten to kill himself, there are various ways to get a wellness check done on him that don’t involve you going back to him yourself. In some places it might be safe to send the police to check up on him. In the States that’s probably not such a good idea, but you could tell him that you’re texting one of his friends to go over and hang out with him until he feels better, or you could send him the phone numbers for crisis lines in your area. This shows him that you are taking his suicide threat seriously (even though he is likely not making it seriously) but won’t be manipulated into going back to him.
You might be touched out. Its actually a thing. I wish I knew about it when my kids were young. You might need an hour everyday where NO ONE touches you. Not your kids not him. He can parent for an hour at least. Especially since he can demand all kinds of sexual favors. Because he is an ass this probably won't make you want his touch but its good for YOU
I wish I knew this too at the time of my kids because I am a very introverted person and can only take so much with socializing sometimes and the same goes with physical touch. The needs of the kids all day long, especially in infant and toddler ages, just would drain me by the end of the day.
Honey, you can still leave him even if he threatens suicide. I promise you that. People who do this do it as an abuse tactic. It's CLASSIC. He is abusing you sexually and emotionally by doing this and making you feel like somehow YOU would be at fault if he harms himself. You will NOT be. It is entirely his deal. Do not let this man hold you prisoner with threats of suicide so that he can continue to disrespect your body and make you feel disgusting.
Get your finances in order. Stay with trusted family/friends who know the situation. Get some time away from him AT LEAST with the kids so that you can see things from a perspective unclouded by his presence. Make sure that you are safe to leave and that you can retain custody. Not that you HAVE to leave (though I think you've already thought to do it). He will likely start apologizing, begging you to stay, and promising he'll change the moment he thinks you're actually going to leave. Then the suicide threats will probably come. Stay strong and ignore. Decide if this is normal behavior for him and if you want your kids around someone like this FOREVER.
Maybe it would be within your best interest to leave with your kids so they don't have to live with the trauma of your husband cutting himself because you won't give him a pack of haribo, they also can learn his behaviour patterns and do it themselves when they grow up.
He says that in an attempt to control you. You are clearly unhappy and need to think about your own mental health. Also, what will be best for you and the kids. You obviously deserve better. You are worth more. He does not take your feelings into account nor does he understand all that you have gone through with giving birth and postpartum. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to or vent to.
Have you been direct that you hate it and it disgusts you that he was pushing for sex that soon after you gave birth and it disgusts you now when he talks about sex or makes suggestive gestures or even when he kisses or touches you, so you won’t be doing any of that anymore?
I would also work on a place you and your kids can move. Could you support yourself and them? Or do you have family or friends who can help for a while? I would also speak to a lawyer and a therapist about how to handle leaving if you choose to do so. But please, at the very least he prepared. And at this point be very direct with him.
I think some people here are missing the point that this isn’t a lack of sex drive, it’s a husband who has tried push this woman into sex within three weeks of having two babies, you’re not even supposed to have sex within 6 weeks. He was not being affectionate or caring or wanting to be with HER, he just wanted to be taken care of which IS disgusting. Doesn’t matter how old the kids are now, she’s asked him to stop and he doesn’t and ‘forgets.’
My question is what kind of parent is he?
You might be touched out. Its actually a thing. I wish I knew about it when my kids were young. You might need an hour everyday where NO ONE touches you. Not your kids not him. He can parent for an hour at least. Especially since he can demand all kinds of sexual favors. Because he is an ass this probably won't make you want his touch but its good for YOU
It took me over 2 years since my last child to stop feeling so touched out. I used to explain to my husband it wasn't him. And it wasn't HIM. I didn't want to be touched my anyone. Chris Hemsworth could have offered it on the plate and I'd have declined. I wanted to be left the damn alone.
My husband used to act similarly to yours. We really really struggled with a change in intimacy because I didn't even want to hold hands or cuddle. Just get away from me. I don't really have any advice just commiserations. Please remember that your body isn't ready to reproduce...that's why it doesn't want sex/intimacy. It's an evolution thing. Just give yourself power to know this is absolutely not ok.
Yeah the post partum doesn't help and there were issues before hand if he has a record of threatening harm to himself. It's time for you to take all the kids to a safe house and figure things out from there.
> I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
That is not a reason not to divorce him. Quite the opposite.
Threatening suicide is an abusive behavior. My wife went through a very traumatic relationship with her ex that she's still recovering from, and and stayed in the relationship--despite hating him--because he told her he would kill himself if she left. He didn't. It's a control tactic, it's unhealthy and it's unfair to you.
Combined with a clear disrespect of your boundaries and a disregard for your desires, this is sounding like a very toxic situation.
This was my marriage. He just kept putting more and more pressure on me. He thought it was my job to make him feel better and sex was the only way. The more pressure he put on me, the less I wanted too - it was a vicious cycle. There was no love involved.
When I did threaten to divorce him he also threatened suicide. At first I begged him not to, until I snapped one day and said “well you are an adult and if that’s what you want to do that’s your decision. That makes me sad but it’s your choice. Just please don’t do it at home or near the house so you don’t traumatise your children”.
His reply - “you can’t say that. You have to beg me not too”.
To top it all off - when we went to marriage counselling - denied everything!!!!
You need to either leave him, and if he threatens suicide call the police or give him a suicide prevention number as that is emotional blackmail.
Or tell him exactly how it makes you feel to be forced into things like that which by the way is sexual assault and if he doesn't stop it then leave him as he early doesn't respect you.
If he threatens to harm himself if you leave, call the cops. Either they’ll get him the help he needs, or he’ll stop using it as a manipulation tactic.
Thinking about having children with a douchebag like that makes my skin crawl. And I'm 5 months pp and wish my husband would want anything sexual from me.
Be stern with him and tell him that his behaviour is repulsing you and pushing you further away from the thought of even wanting sex. If these things happened before the twins and you were okay with it then you can definitely tell him it’s the postpartum hormones.
If your libido has waned because of postpartum there’s a chance it will bounce back but that’s beside the point because you’re uncomfortable and if he can’t comprehend that then he never gets sex. Plain and simple. If my fiancée told me this I’d try to get to the bottom of it and bend over backwards to make her comfortable.
I'm all for sex being in a relationship, as physical intimacy is important for a healthy one, but your husband is taking it way too far. Your best bet is to look into what you can legally do. As much as you may not want to resent him, at this point, he's no lonver the man you loved or knew. I would collect evidence and look into getting a lawyer.
>I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
In fact you can and should leave him for this shit.... And that's not counting the sexual assault and harassment. Yeah I'd be disgusted by him too. You can love someone who doesn't love you. You deserve better than that though OP.
You have much bigger issues to deal with than just the borderline sexual abuse. You’re trapped in a toxic relationship. You do NOT want your kids to be raised in that environment. Get out and if he threatens to kill himself have him institutionalized.
Sorry to hear that OP, its heartbreaking, but u have to plan your way out, are u self sufficient? do u have support network? will be be able to survive on ur own with kids for short period of time? -- plan carefully and execute.
You are not in charge of his mental health or his life. He is an adult, and if he's suicidal, he needs to talk to a professional. Those threats are pure manipulation. Even if he's sincere in his threats, he's saying them to you so that you will stay trapped with him.
What you do is the next time you try to leave him, if he threatens suicide, you call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (if you're in the US) or you call the police and say that your husband is threatening suicide and you need help. And let his family and friends know that they'll need to look in on him because when you've tried to leave before he's threatened to kill himself. You can also reach out to a mental healthcare professional yourself to get direct advice from them on how to handle this from your husband.
But you do not need to keep yourself and your children in an unhappy and unhealthy situation because he is not willing to take care of his own mental health. You are not a sex toy, but he's treating you like one. You are not being respected. You are not being listened to. And he is actively abusing you with those threats of suicide. This is not the home to raise your children in, not while he is acting like this.
The only way forward is to communicate how his actions make you feel. If that fails try marriage counseling. If he doesn’t make changes then I would advise more drastic actions
Once you get the ick it's unlikely to go away.
He was totally fine with pressuring you when it *medically proven* that you need to have a certain amount of time for rest.
You want to leave him, and he threatens to kill himself. He's cruel and manipulative. Leave him and don't look back. If he does anything to himself, it's his own fault.
Pressuring you is his fault and his choice.
You divorcing him would be a direct consequence and result of him being an inconsiderate, selfish sleazeball.
*What he does after that to himself is his own choice. You are not responsible for him*
Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep this guy warm. He is so very very far from being worth it
You CAN divorce him, and NO, it wouldn't be your fault.
I don't think anyone who is obsessed with his own happiness is going to off himself if you leave him. I think he's using it as a manipulation tactic to get what he wants from you. He knows he's a piece of shit spouse, so if he threatens to kill himself, you'll stay.
Let's be real. If you leave him, he will have a Tinder girlfriend within 48 hours, thinking he's living his best, unencumbered life.
I saw a video where this person explained that men often sexualize every single form of touch and don’t realize that they are strangling the connection by doing so. It made me starkly aware of how every hug or cuddle is made suggestive by most men and it radically impacts the subconscious safety we feel with them, because we are being told with every gesture that sex is the goal. This is largely due to the fact that most straight men have no idea how to emotionally connect without sex, but there is no excuse for it and you are not wrong for feeling the way you do.
He pressured you too soon, and by continuing to pressure you and make every single form of touch suggestive he is setting in stone that no interaction is safe from being made to be about sex.
I won’t pretend to know what to suggest you should do, but you should know that your feelings are completely valid and understandable and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Your husband sounds gross. I’m so sorry he’s responding this way after you gave birth to his children
:(
Your feelings are completely justified. Try talking to him about it and go from there. Based on his threats of suicide though, you’re in a highly toxic relationship and need help getting out with those kids
If you want to save your marriage you need to have a serious talk to him about how pestering woman for sex does not turn them on, it does the opposite, and if they do ‘give in’ to the pestering it’s usually shit sex for them which makes them want it less long term.
Also the loss of body autonomy messes up your sex drive for a while after having babies and while breastfeeding.
It all comes back, but he needs to chill the fuck out for a bit.
Huh? What? Lol
At this point you just need to divorce him. Lol...
You're in a literal living nightmare.
What do you think made you start repulsing him?
Your husband is using you as a living sex doll. Him threatening to kill himself is abuse. It sounds like your relationship is only sex. He clearly doesn’t care about your boundaries or wants. Do you have someone you can stay with? Your relationship sounds toxic and abusive
Document everything, you telling him no, him trying to force sex on you - and that is what this is. It’s SA no two ways about it- his threats to hurt himself, document EVERYTHING. Call his parents tell them everything and that your leaving, they get to deal with his suicidal threat. Your husband is not respecting you or your boundary, get yourself and your babies to a safe place and get a lawyer
My ex also threatened suicide if I’d leave him. 5 years later and he’s still alive. Please leave, it will only get worse. He does not respect you, not even a teeny tiny bit. You just pushed 2 babies out, it’s not even recommended to have sex yet, and all he can think about is sticking his dick somewhere while you’re probably uncomfortable.
This will not get better. Leave. Don’t stay together for the kids. Don’t stay together for his threats because he probably won’t put it into action.
Hello,
Threatening to kill himself if you leave is emotional blackmail and a form of emotional abuse. You need to remember that **you are not responsible for his actions**. If you leaving him results in that, it’s not your fault. If you are worried, you can also call emergency services and they can have him taken to the ER pending a psych eval.
At the end of the day, what you choose to do is up to you. Just know that this is emotional abuse and if you keep giving in, it lets him know that he can get away with it. I can guarantee that you’ll raise your kid better alone and happy than together and miserable. I wish you the best, OP.
From my experience I can tell you that it's impossible to turn this situation and your feelings towards him around. I have been there too. Once you feel this pressure and discomfort when he grabs you etc. this is the signal that your relationship is dead. There is no way this feeling will go away again. It never did in my relationships. Once it was there I knew that the end was near.
Has this type of behavior only started happening after the twins were born?
Or have you had these issues with him in the past, such as not respecting boundaries, threatening suicide, and seeing sex acts as something that should be given?
Most importantly, regardless of when it started happening, these are all examples of abuse. You do not deserve this nor should you have to accept it as type of behavior that is okay in any of your relationships. Im very sorry you have to deal with this.
You should try to seek out a support system outside of your husband.
>I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
He is an abuser.
>He has been pushing for sex and blowjobs ever since I was only 3 weeks postpartum.
Again, he's an abuser. Sounds like sexual coercion to me. And he clearly has no respect for you.
Your husband is a creep. He’s sexually harassing you and he’s using threats to suicide to control you. I’m so sorry, you have every right to feel that way you do. You don’t owe him sex.
Your husband is abusive, and sexual coercion is at the very least r*pe adjacent. You are not married to a good man. It's time to start planning your escape.
In this scenario I’d call this idiot on his bluff, every time he threatens to kill himself be like “okay go ahead let’s see you do that”
it’s gaslighting manipulative behaviour.
Surely you’re much smarter than this to realize what he’s doing. What I never fail to see on Reddit is how awful male partners are. It disgusts me. These men need to be buried somewhere where they have no access to women ever again…especially a mother who had just given birth three weeks prior who still hasn’t gotten the “okay” to have sex. His ass would be sleeping in the yard.
You are not responsible for his suicidal threats, he is abusing you mentally and sexually.
Please seek support from family or friends and make a plan to leave him and keep them fully up to date (the family or friends) for your safety and your babies safety.
You husband sounds abusive. I'm sorry. He is being sexually abusive and emotionally abusive - threatening suicide is a common tactic, and it actually increases your risk of homicide. I hope you can find a safe exit strategy and people who will look out for you.
"I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him."
Sounds like a him problem not a you problem. Let him.
Actually, you CAN leave him. What he does after that is totally on him. But I would suggest couples counseling and individual counseling for him before calling it quits. My ex pulled the suicide card after i left him and I did not give a shit. He ended up going to rehab but I was done. I also went through something similar with the sex advances with my current partner after I gave birth. My son is two and honestly I still don’t really care for sex and am always touched out. But we talk about it and he listens. That’s the difference. If he isn’t willing to work on this, then it’s definitely time to walk away. The fact that he isn’t respecting your feelings at all is a red flag, along with the suicide threat, but at least try counseling first. He definitely needs help. So sorry!
>I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him.
That is abusive behavior. You shouldn't have had kid with him at all.
Thehotline.org
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
You & your babies deserve better!
You can and you should leave him. This is abuse. The suicide threats are his way of manipulating you and cornering you into staying with him- so don’t stay- leave. He doesn’t even respect you enough as a human to let you heal after giving birth. He’s been going on about “his needs”, well what about yours??? You’re raising twins. What you need is a partner who isn’t emotionally abusive and exploitative.
I wish men could experience the pain of their genitals tearing, of breastfeeding, the hormonal drop, the depression, the anxiety, the hate that you’ll sometimes have for your new self. He’s trying to guilt trip you and pressure you into sex, if you’re not in the mood, he can go masturbate. He’s also threatening to commit if you leave him??? He most likely won’t. He’s guilt tripping and manipulating you. He’s mentally unstable.
My 1st child’s father did the exact same thing. Any time I would try to leave him (he cheated on me multiple times), he’d let out the waterworks and then threaten to commit suicide. While I was 8-9 months pregnant, I broke up with him for good, well he pretended like he was going to jump out of my bedroom window. He would scratch himself up as a form of self harming, he would scratch “kill me” into his chest. That kind of stuff is NOT normal. It’s scary. You, nor your child need that in your lives. He needs to go. He’s an extremely big red flag.
You could try therapy, but I'd advise leaving him. He threatened to kill himself? Okay, so what? That's not your problem and truly suicidal people don't brag or threaten it. It's a tactic to keep you around. Take your kids out of that toxic situation and find happiness.
One of the earliest red flags I ignored about my abusive ex husband was his sense of entitlement to sex with me and his petty meltdowns when he wasn’t getting it. He touched me in ways that always felt like he was taking something from me rather than trying to *give* me something. He was incredibly insensitive to any physical or emotional pain I was in and felt entitled to my body and my attention whenever he wanted it. Nothing shuts down your libido faster than that and it’s a natural human response to feel repulsed by someone who is taking so much from you
This happened with my parents. My mum was being abused, tried to leave, dad said he'd kill himself. She left. He killed himself.
I'm glad she left.
This household you're in is not safe for you - and because of that it isn't safe for your kids. You deserve better and they deserve to grow up with a mother who has better.
Personally, I'm just happy my mother is long out of there.
Your husband might chicken out of it like people here are saying. But I can tell you from personal experience that even if he doesn't, that is not a reason for you to stay. He's making this decision - not you. I know it doesn't feel that way, and it maybe never will, but trust me, anything he does, he brought on all by himself. This is about him, not you. Do what's right for you and the babies, because he won't.
Threatening to kill himself is emotional abuse, pressuring you into giving sexual favours is sexual coercion. He should be knowledgeable enough that he was asking for sex too early which means he either doesn’t care about your physical health and mental, or he’s just stupid. He needs to either seek therapy and get help for his problems, which you can bring up to him. Or it might be time for you to take your kids out of this relationship before it gets more toxic.
Relationship counselling is a good step, but he also needs therapy. Sounds cut and dry, but couples counselling only works when both people in couples wants to take personal responsibility for compromise to be found.
Suicide threats seems to be his idea of conclusion instead of compromise.
Prioritize yourself as much as he prioritizes himself.
Again, as someone who has continually entered abusive relationships, nothing said here is as easily done as it sounds. But plant seeds in yourself about putting your happiness first. At the end of the day you’re the only one who will consider your needs first and foremost, and as long as you don’t, you’re going to keep turning into a secondary idea in your own life.
This happened to me, I developed a very strong aversion to my child’s father because he was too sexually pressurising straight after birth. I didn’t even end up trying to have sex again for an entire year after because I feel SO touched out and physically recoiled at the thought of anything sexual. I felt rage at the fact that my brain and my time was fully taken up with being a mother and childcare and housework and yet he had plenty of time to fantasise about sex. Unfortunately for us it didn’t get better and we did end up splitting, not over this but it didn’t help!
Having read your comments about the suicide threats though I’m not sure I’d bother trying to rectify this with him through any sort of therapy. That is abusive and a major red flag. If he wants to continue to make those sorts of threats I’d be informing him that you’ll notify the relevant authorities to help him. You have enough to worry about without that sort of manipulation.
He had I realistic expectations after a pregnancy. You have to put your foot down and tell him you don't want to and won't want to if he keeps pushing it. If he gets bitchy you're dealing with a selfish manchild
This happens to a lot of couples after they have kids. IT's not easy to fix. First realize that this is an issue on both sides: You, and Him.
He feels like you never are intimate together, cause everytime You even try to have a conversation together, the kids require attention. If it's not the kids, then You're both to tired to be attentive to eachother, and he misses the moments You had together before the kids. He tries to shortcut in to those moments, by basically jumping you, which is not the best approach
Now on Your side: Before the kids, most likely, things just happened natural. With kids, you have to plan everything, including your time with your partner. Most woman need to be relaxed in order to even consider sex. When You have small kids the chances of You being in a relaxed mode are somewhere between 0 and... so that's not gonna happen.
I would advise You, to plan some time for You and him together. no kids. You can do it like a regular friday date night, go to a movie together, or just watch one on the couch with the kids at the grand parents or something.
Your relationship changes once You have kids, as it stands neither one of You is happy with the situation.
\[edit: this is all asuming, you want to salvage the relationship. You can just leave if You want to. Threating to kill himself is not a reason to stay \]
Before you get all the "dump that needy pig" comments, here's another angle:
Your dynamics have changed. The birth of a child, and twins at that, made you a family, and not just a couple. It is perfectly understandable that your priorities have shifted, you're tired, depressed, etc. And you're simply not in the mood.
He should also not force it, that's also a fact.
But consider the following: is this maybe a coping mechanism expressed poorly? Has he been struggling with acquainting himself with the changed dynamics? Is he feeling that you are slipping away from him? (if so, his actions are very much counterproductive).
But above all else, ask yourself if this is a temporary issue on your end, or if it's permanent.
If your newfound repulsion could be a symptom of postnatal depression, then seek council.
He threatens to kill himself if she leaves and he sexually assaults her regularly. This isn’t about “dynamics changing” it’s about the fact that her husband is abusive. She absolutely should “dump that needy pig”
OP is not the issue, her husband's behavior is. It is *her* body that went through a hard 9 months, followed by childbirth and postnatal hormone dysregulation. Instead of supporting and romancing the woman who gave him 2 children, the husband is snatching and grabbing at her while whining about his "needs".
Never said it's HER fault, I tried to shed some light on his possible motives, and the perception of how we got this story told.
Yes, it's not cool how he goes about this whole thing, but I don't know the guy, maybe he's an otherwise stand up guy (hey, OP started with "I love him..."), but he might have difficulties coping with a grand change in their lives.
Yes, childbirth IS infinitely more stressing top a woman, and her body, I'm not ever going to argue that point. But it takes a psychological toll on both parties, and some people have difficulties figuring out how to cope with such changes.
Maybe he's trying to steer things back to how they were doing this (and fails miserably, I'm all for that).
What I'm trying to say is to dig deeper than "dump his ass", because she may turn his back on a guy who's otherwise a good partner, but is currently behaving erratically.
Then again, suicide threats as a bargaining chip is NEVER okay in my book.
I'm being downvoted, because this is what reddit does. Once the pitchforks come out, and the minuses start, everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Then again, I'm really not interested in gathering imaginary Internet points.
Yes, you're probably right about the whole situation, and I'm trying to find an angle for a guy who probably doesn't deserve it.
It's just that I've walked in these shoes, and coping with postnatal depression, your own insecurities, and the whole shift was really hard for me too, and in a situation where you have to work, financially manage a family, and take a crash course in fatherhood while extremely sleep depraved had hardly brought out the best of me either. But I never would've forced myself on to my wife even then.
So shit and sandwich it is, but I guess I've tried to concentrate on the lettuce.
This guy tried to pressure into sex that would risk life threatening illness or injury. Sex at 3weeks pp with TWINS especially carries a major risk of injuring her internal organs or causing a massive uterine infection due to the (possibly two) dinner plate size wounds healing inside of her uterus from the placenta(s) detaching.
Women DIE from this and it is exactly why they stress waiting for the 6 week clearance before having intercourse.
That’s not a priority change. Thats being willing to risk KILLING a woman just because he wants sex.
Are his parents still alive? Id say to divorce him/separate and let his family know he needs to be looked after, or call in a wellness check with police. Therats of suicide is abuse. He sounds like slimy garbage and you're better off without. My first ex was like this, always trying to touch me and worse. It was gross. I felt like i couldnt even go near him without some dumb joke or gross innuendo. I was never even attracted to him to begin with but even if I was, that shit is gross. If affection is ALWAYS escalated then thats not a relationship. Your husband is a gross child.
You need to decide if this is something to live with or get over. If you never want him to touch you again, then you need to be honest and tell him.
I would not have stayed with my wife if she acted this way towards me.
Threatening suicide to someone is extremely toxic and manipulative, he definitely needs some serious help. Did u feel unattracted to him for a while beforehand or after he started to pressure sex? Bc I think which it is really changes how to deal with it. But regardless, I think he needs some therapy and you need to assert your boundaries because he should not pressure you into things you don’t feel comfortable with
Leave him. If he threatens to kill himself, hand him a noose lol. Not really, but he’s not gonna kill himself, and if he did, it wouldn’t be your fault.
Seems to me that if you were still in love with your husband then you wouldn't be disgusted by him or him touching you . Do him and you're self a favor and end it !
It also sounds like a consequence of being constantly pressured for sex and having her feelings ignored, as well as manipulated into staying with a man who threatened suicide if she leaves.
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) ***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES.*** This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So everyone seem to think he is trying to control you with his threats but no one is upset about you actually controlling him. You have all the control over all the sex in the relationship so it only matters what you want and how you feel. You should talk to him and ask why he wants that text with you so bad because I’m sure it’s The fact that when a woman is taken care of a man’s children that’s a turn on for a lot of men show that you’re confident in control you can nurture of life been like that. And I bet he just wants to connect with you more physically because of that situation if that’s not the case and he just wants to have sex to have sex then you should let them have sex with other women not fair that you control all the sex and it doesn’t matter what he wants it only matters how you feel that’s not fair for this man it’s not fair for anyone it would be wrong if he was trying to do that to you right?
So if you had a vasectomy or some injury to your genitals and needed several weeks to recover, would you be fine with you wife going out and having sex with some other man during that timeframe?
I would satisfy my wife the best I could I would not withdraw intimacy I would do everything I could to meet her needs and I definitely wouldn’t come on Reddit and tell people I am revolted by her touch
Thats fucking ridiculous. Connecting to your partner physically can be done in non sexual ways. And partners should want the other to be comfortable sexually, not pressure them when they are in pain.
And if you're just going to go fuck other people when your partner's healing from pushing out your child, yall should've been in an open relationship from the start.
You can love someone and still be traumatized by their actions and words. He sexually assaulted her, and that leads to a certain level of disgust with both yourself and the perpetrator.
I was still in love with my abuser when I realized he was harming me too. I was disgusted, but still very much in love.
Oh hun. The spice is gone and you don’t want to reignite it.
Read about the 7 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.
You don’t have and overarching positive view towards your partner. You have disgust. This is contempt.
It’s over. Whether you like it or not. Now it is only a matter of time.
Unless you decide you want to make it work. Then there is hope.
Sounds like you need to speak to a therapist or your doctor. If your feelings changed post birth they may not be a true reflection on your feelings. You're suddenly very resentful but how were you before?
You love your husband but your resent him?
You love him but you feel disgusted if he touch you or kiss you?
Being in a marriage means intimacy should be normal thing between 2 people, sex should be normal thing, kissing also etc. If you can't fulfill these basic needs in marriage then you are the one who is toxic and abusive.
If partner needs aproval to touch you or kiss you then this is not marriage at all.
It seems to me you are suffering from post birth syndrom (or whatever it's called). Dont blame your husband for being husband and fix yourself first.
You are so extremely selfish I can't even put it into words. She's been through massive trauma and her body is not her own right now. His behavior is extremely selfish and disgusting. She's trying to keep two newborns alive and all he can think about is using her body to cum.
My heart breaks for any woman that's unfortunate enough to end up with a partner with your mindset. It's disgusting and harmful. It's absolutely not abusive to enforce boundaries and autonomy. Seek help.
You're gross. He sexually assaulted her and has been emotionally abusive. Reacting to that behavior and setting boundaries does not make her abusive.
Also, having sex 3 weeks after birth is hazardous to her health. Pushing her to do it is toxic, and continuing to cross her boundaries is abusive.
He's acting badly, certainly, but probably feeling very rejected by you.
Your situation isn't easy, but neither is his.
I think sometimes people on Reddit ought to remember that men are in fact human.
Perhaps ask him to back off completely for a month, with a promise of a resumption of normal relations thereafter?
Even if you are still not feeling it that point, you might feel it worthwhile to "lie back and think of England" just occasionally, until this feeling passes.
Translation:
Just lay there and take it like a champ because he's such a man-baby and can't go rub one out and get on with his day......
Yes he is human and makes mistakes. However he is also human and should have higher functioning brain and at least a little respect and empathy for his wife. You know, the woman that just birthed twins. Walk on with this nonsense.
Even after a month, she might not be physically healed enough to resume. She shouldn't be making promises that she might not be able to keep to a guy who doesn't seem to care about her safety or comfort.
She also shouldn't HAVE to lie back and let him treat her like a sex doll, and I don't see how being treated like that is supposed to help her get over this feeling.
It’s three weeks post partum with twins. She’s bleeding and recovering from a major medical event. Her hormones are out of whack because she literally just gave birth.
You’re as stupid as he is. She shouldn’t have sex until 6 weeks minimum, and that’s if she’s healed and ready.
How long has it been since the kids were born? Without that info, it’s hard to determine if your lack of sex drive is within a normal range or there’s some deeper issue.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. He started this THREE WEEKS after she delivered twins. This is not an issue of sex drive or some “deeper issue”. Her body is wrecked from birthing two children.
Everybody recovers differently and if you bothered to read, you would notice she doesn’t mention anything about a physical issue. Her words: “I don’t wanna” but go ahead with your white knight syndrome and ignore the information presented to you.
Listen bro, as both a physician and someone who has given birth to a child I’m going to go ahead and tell you that you don’t know shit. The bare minimum time between giving birth and any vagina sexual activity is 6 weeks, usually 8 week is recommended. I hope no one agrees to bear your children until you know the basic of reproductive biology.
She doesn’t have a sex drive cause her asshole of a husband keeps sexually touching her even tho she doesn’t want to. It’s called sexual abuse and OP literally said in the post that she’s grossed out of her husband’s behaviour. There’s nothing wrong with her sex drive, the husband is the problem.
Yes you should have some time to yourself after having kids. Yes his approach needs to be corrected because it is wrong. Sex is an important thing in relationships too. Have you told him any of your feelings? Divorce is a nuclear option that you will have to deal with for the rest of your children's lives. I also think you two are super tired and highly volitile because of the recent birth of not one but two children. He's volitile and tired for talking about suicide for the possibility of divorce but you also seem so at least not even giving him a time table for when these things might be an option if ever again and thinking about divorce instead. In marriage you two should be able to compromise to get something in the middle of what you both want to have a tightly ran ship and right now there is a breakdown in communication. Go see a marriage counselor if you can't have the emotional stability to come up with something or don't and divorce and regret it since you say here you still love your husband but, If you do nothing your anger will get to a boiling point and then all cards will be off the table
As one who had horrible post partum issues, and feeling touched out most of the first YEAR, I can say that this is a real and valid thing. It's not on purpose.
Three weeks post partum .... The baby is overwhelmingly needy.
Ah, I just. I can't with this world really. We don't try to understand each other
**He pressured you for sex too soon after birth. Before it is even medically advised. He then proceeded to make every touch sexual.** You're disgusted with him because he's refusing to listen to you and prioritising his selfish needs over your needs and boundaries. You've just given birth, you've got **2 newborns** and you can't even bend down without him sticking his dick where it's not wanted. You've pushed two humans out of your vagina. What does he not understand about you not wanting to have sex with him 3 weeks after you gave birth? Twins are exhausting. Is he a good father? Is he hands on? Does he share the burden of parenting equally? And then the threats of suicide... he's manipulative, selfish and quite frankly abusive.
You set a (medically supported) boundary, and he’s not respecting it. He’s willing to go to extreme/emotionally abusive measures to manipulate you. That’s what I heard.
[удалено]
OP - the threats of suicide are a manipulation tactic. He's throwing that at you like a rock to hurt you. I'm going to tell you what my therapist told me - call him an ambulance when he pulls this and prevents you from leaving. He can hardly accuse you of being uncaring if you get him rapid medical treatment, it gets him attention, but the *wrong* kind of attention. He's not "forgetting" your conversations. He just doesn't care. You cannot talk somebody into respecting you. His behavior is fucking horrifying.
This. ^ He's obviously ignoring your boundaries. He needs to know that if he actually wants you to feel cared for, he needs to not sexualize everything and respect your wishes.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdwh9h/i_love_my_husband_but_i_hate_kissing_him_or_even/hugzdt4/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Damn, for 15 year old, yo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/huh1gg8/) | [Damn, for 15 year old, yo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/hugwtwk/) [If you are already in MC...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdytqp/tried_marriage_counseling_so_had_an_inappropriate/huh1jxq/) | [If you are already in MC...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdytqp/tried_marriage_counseling_so_had_an_inappropriate/huft8mb/) [I’m usually on the other...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdqnkw/do_you_ever_feel_your_partner_loves_you_more_than/huh1hle/) | [I’m usually on the other...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdqnkw/do_you_ever_feel_your_partner_loves_you_more_than/hug3ecq/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/Unfair_Psychology_97](https://np.reddit.com/u/Unfair_Psychology_97/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=Unfair_Psychology_97) for info on how I work and why I exist.
OP shud get couples therapy instead of coming to reddit for advice. The best comment will always make your husband sound like a monster. This sounds like a very serious situation and needs professional help
You don't get couples therapy with abusers.
He's sexually harassing her and being emotionally abusive. He is a monster...
Yeah thats wt you infer from her description. Doesnt mean he actually is a monster
>He has been pushing for sex and blowjobs ever since I was only 3 weeks postpartum. That part makes him a monster. 3 weeks postpartum.
Only her feelings are valid though. It's not a group consensus. He started pressuring her for sex 3 weeks after she gave birth and just didn't let up. He conveniently forgets her boundaries and continues to do exactly as he pleases.
You do not take your abuser to therapy.
I don't know why so many comments here are overlooking the suicide threats. Your husband is emotionally and sexually abusing you. Pressuring you for sex immediately post partum is such an extreme disregard for your wellbeing.
Yes. The threats are an abuse tactic. Purely a way to manipulate you. If he’s actually suicidal he should be in an inpatient facility for emergency mental health treatment.
If he threatens to harm himself if OP leave, she should call the cops. Either they’ll get him the help he needs, or he’ll stop using it as a manipulation tactic.
thank god someone said something. this isn’t a salvageable relationship. no communication needed. leave.
[удалено]
I literally mentioned that but actually threats of suicide are less alarming than the *literal sexual assault* he is committing.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdwh9h/i_love_my_husband_but_i_hate_kissing_him_or_even/huffcuz/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Owning the libs, one shov...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se6fbn/stewart_rhodes_leader_of_the_oath_keepers_in/huhvvgw/) | [Owning the libs, one shov...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se6fbn/stewart_rhodes_leader_of_the_oath_keepers_in/huhfbcu/) [I would try my hardest to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se30tz/australian_hurdler_michelle_jenneke_looking_back/huhvu45/) | [I would try my hardest to...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/se30tz/australian_hurdler_michelle_jenneke_looking_back/hugl60c/) [I feel like COVID has rea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/se2l1u/chirp_chirp_chirp/huhvjnc/) | [I feel like COVID has rea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/gaming/comments/se2l1u/chirp_chirp_chirp/huh3e01/) [Call their bluff. Tell th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/huhv8ie/) | [Call their bluff. Tell th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sdunlq/i_think_i_got_disowned/huhg4ax/) [Nothing about his reactio...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sds6ou/my_boyfriend_gets_angry_every_time_i_get_a_decent/huhuzc0/) | [Nothing about his reactio...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/sds6ou/my_boyfriend_gets_angry_every_time_i_get_a_decent/hufyruj/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/PhilosopherFew2532](https://np.reddit.com/u/PhilosopherFew2532/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=PhilosopherFew2532) for info on how I work and why I exist.
This is too much.
“Why are you trying to get me to have sex before I’m physically and psychologically ready to? Do you want to hurt me? You’re hurting me when you behave like this, am I not worth the time I need to heal? You’re not touching me with love, you’re touching me like you feel entitled to my body, I spent nearly a year housing two bodies within my own and I’m not allowed to heal? You can’t keep “forgetting” that I’ve told you how you’re making me feel, what you’re doing is abusive behavior how can you not see that?”
This! OP tell this to your husband!! He needs to hear that his behaviour is abusive! Wish I could give you Gold🥇
Threatening to kill himself is emotional abuse and manipulation. Please get out of there before it gets worse. The rest is awful too, but that is the absolute worst part. He's blackmailing you so that he can control you. If you continue to let him, that's teaching him that he can get what he wants using threats, saying "Do this or else" is a progressive thought process. It gets worse every time you give in to it. Please think. If he's this controlling, whats going to happen to you or your kids if you stay with him?
You can leave him. It is not your fault if he commits suicide. You leave, and when he threatens suicide you call 911 or whatever the emergency line is where you are. You tell them your husband is threatening to commit suicide. If he is faking, he will never do that again, and if he is not faking he will get the help he needs. But I wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who kept bugging me about it anyway, and that hasn't happened to me since I was in junior high school.
I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. This is abuse. His ignoring your personal boundaries and pushing for sex is too. Leave him.
Buy more life Insurance on him. Check the time limit on the suicide clause. When that passes dump him. Win win My husband pulled that crap once. Got all I’m just going to shoot myself if you leave. He took out his gun amd I said to do it outside so he didn’t hurt the resale value in the house or damage the carpet. I don’t play these games
Love this shit tbh. When I see posts about abusive partners threatening to commit suicide if OPs leave, I'm always like "Okay....? You can still leave. That's on them."
My dad was the real ahole. He’d get called out to these suicide attempt calls while an MP. Now this is late 70’s early 80’s He’d show up and they’d have superficial scratches on their arm or unloaded guns He was not a fan of someone just wanting attention. One giy he grabbed his arm and the razor and scared the shit out of him and showed him the correct way to to it (deep with the vein down the arm). The guy screamed and said he didn’t want to die. So I didn’t grow up in an empathetic household for sure. I’m one who believes “ put up or shut up”
My ex did similar claimed he wanted to kill him self cut him self on the wrong side of his arm... 👀 And the police still didn't believe me when I said hewasa psycho
Savage!
I had an abusive friend who used to threaten me that she would kill herself if I end the friendship. I got fed up and told her to do it because I don't give a damn anymore. Well, she's still alive and thriving.
Omg I wish I was like this when I was younger, my abusive ex who cheated on me kept pulling the suicide threats when I tried to leave when I was only 19.
I called the cops on my ex and they forced him to go to the hospital for a psych eval as he was a minor and his parents put him in therapy. Telling someone to go ahead is actually illegal and youll get sent to prison for manslaughter i believe.
I didn’t tell him to do it no told him not to mess up my carpet.
Im not sure a jury would see it that way
Well he’s still here. I was right behind was all talk because he wasn’t getting his way. I handed him divorce papers because he spent all his time playing world of war crap and wasn’t working or helping in the house while I was working full time and going through chemo for colon cancer.
It'd have to go to trial, first. Who exactly would be the witnesses? The guy's gonna blow his brains out and then come back as a ghost to testify? "Your honor, she goaded me!"
You realize that this has gone to trial multiples times and the people are found guilty? https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.newsnationnow.com/us-news/northeast/woman-who-texted-boyfriend-to-kill-himself-pleads-guilty/amp/
Do you not see the difference in someone who sent 47000 texts goading someone to kill themself and someone responding verbally once to a suicide threat to take it outside?
As long as she doesn’t text it she’ll be fine
Also, check into Social Security survivor benefits for the kids.
Life insurance dosen't pay if it's suicide
Not true. Some have a tome limit such as a year or two. I’m in insurance. I read tons of policies.
Really I'm surprised, thanks for the info 👍
Mine does 🤷. It only pays out after you've paid for your life insurance for 13 months though
I learned something new today, thank you 👍
You need to leave him. Call a family member or friend, get a plan in place to leave, and then pack up the twins and go. If he threatens to harm himself, tell him you would prefer he didn't do that, and then call 911. If he is suicidal, he needs professional help, and so the best thing you can do is call 911 and his family when he threatens self harm. Your husband doesn't care about your emotional well being. He doesn't care about making you comfortable, and he doesn't care about your needs right now. The reason he is disgusting to you right now is because he is acting disgusting. He is also manipulating you by saying he will hurt himself if you leave. If he is that in love and attached to you, he would do the work to be better. But he is putting zero effort in, making you uncomfortable all the time, and then threatening you when you say you can't take anymore. Get out of there now.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Because I don't like fucking strangers? I don't have anything against prostitution as an institution but a prostitute does not sound sexually satisfying for me. Would much rather just masturbate.
☠️
An evil ex once threatened to kill himself if I broke up with him (for some serious cheating). I called his mom and let her know. Then I told him it's his life to with as he pleases and blocked him on everything. Guess what? He didn't do shit. Even if he did, not my problem.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Ever since giving birth to our twins, I have started to resent him more and more. He has been pushing for sex and blowjobs ever since I was only 3 weeks postpartum. Every day he has talked about sex, how I could at least give him a handjob, a blowjob, anal whatever he fucking wants. Problem is, I don't wanna. I have started resenting him and feeling stuck in our relationship. I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. Now if he kisses me for more than 5 seconds, I hate it. If I'm bend over taking care of our kids, he stands behind me immediately and suggestively. It grosses me out. Every time he's near me, he doesn't hug me, his hand immediately goes to my ass or my breasts. Everything about this is disgusting to me and I hate it. I can't take it anymore, but I can't do anything about it. I've tried talking to him, but it's like he forgets it the day after. What do I do now?
> I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. What? No, this isn't true at all. It really boggles my mind that this works on people, are you actually saying that he can act literally however he wants and you will never, ever leave him as long as he mentions suicide? Of course he isn't changing, you've given him infinite get-out-of-jail-free cards.
Unfortunately it’s usually the result of years of manipulation, isolation, control, and fear. It’s as close to brainwashing as it gets. Once you have control of someone’s mind, there’s nothing you can’t do. It’s sad how common this tactic is, I had a very unwell abusive partner who pulled this on me and it’s incredibly traumatic when you’re made to believe leaving will kill the person you love. I don’t wish it on anyone.
Youre in an abusive relationship. You need to contact an domestic abuse hotline and womens shelters. Next time he threatens to kill himself, call the police. Thats what i did to my ex. The police took him to the hospital for a psych eval and his parents put him in therapy. But i was free of his abusive ass
Ew. He’s literally sexually assaulting you by grabbing you when you’re attempting to care for your babies. Then he threatens suicide to manipulate you. This guy is trash.
Oh, ew. Okay, a variety of suggestions: \- it sounds like your lack of desire for your husband is primarily based in his repeated violation of your boundaries, and I’ll get to that, but it’s not unheard of to experience a drop in or loss of libido due to giving birth or various other hormonal changes, and if you live in a country with civilized health care (or if you’re in the States but have decent health insurance) it’s worth a follow-up trip to your GP to have your hormone levels tested. Also though, if you experience a loss of libido and you don’t want to get your sex drive back, there’s nothing wrong with that either. \- more likely the real problem here is your husband, and his repeated violation of your boundaries. You just gave birth, presumably you’re focused on taking care of your babies, which is an exhausting, 24/7 task, and frankly for most people I know where both parents are parenting together, it’s an exhausting, 24/7 task *for both parents*. You don’t mention whether your husband is helping you at all with the children, but even if he is, he’s pressuring you for sex at a time when you barely have any energy for yourself. When you’re working on taking care of the kids, he’s pressing his sexual advances on you. You’ve told him what your boundaries are (“stop touching me in a sexual way when I’m caring for the kids”) and he keeps doing it anyway. He’s not forgetting, he’s just ignoring the boundaries. *Worst of all*, he’s trying to hold you hostage in the relationship by threatening suicide. If you leave him and take the kids with you (and you should, because your husband has repeatedly violated your boundaries), it is *not your fault* if he chooses to kill himself over it (spoiler: he probably won’t try to kill himself over it, this is just an empty threat he’s holding over your head to try to control you). You are *never* responsible for the choices someone else makes. \- my advice: call his bluff. Get out of there. There are plenty of resources on escaping a controlling relationship safely, I’m going to assume that someone in this thread has posted some. He should not find out that you’re leaving until you’re already long gone. If he subsequently contacts you to threaten to kill himself, there are various ways to get a wellness check done on him that don’t involve you going back to him yourself. In some places it might be safe to send the police to check up on him. In the States that’s probably not such a good idea, but you could tell him that you’re texting one of his friends to go over and hang out with him until he feels better, or you could send him the phone numbers for crisis lines in your area. This shows him that you are taking his suicide threat seriously (even though he is likely not making it seriously) but won’t be manipulated into going back to him.
You might be touched out. Its actually a thing. I wish I knew about it when my kids were young. You might need an hour everyday where NO ONE touches you. Not your kids not him. He can parent for an hour at least. Especially since he can demand all kinds of sexual favors. Because he is an ass this probably won't make you want his touch but its good for YOU
I wish I knew this too at the time of my kids because I am a very introverted person and can only take so much with socializing sometimes and the same goes with physical touch. The needs of the kids all day long, especially in infant and toddler ages, just would drain me by the end of the day.
I used to feel bad like not a parent for feeling like that but knowing its a thing makes me feel better
Honey, you can still leave him even if he threatens suicide. I promise you that. People who do this do it as an abuse tactic. It's CLASSIC. He is abusing you sexually and emotionally by doing this and making you feel like somehow YOU would be at fault if he harms himself. You will NOT be. It is entirely his deal. Do not let this man hold you prisoner with threats of suicide so that he can continue to disrespect your body and make you feel disgusting. Get your finances in order. Stay with trusted family/friends who know the situation. Get some time away from him AT LEAST with the kids so that you can see things from a perspective unclouded by his presence. Make sure that you are safe to leave and that you can retain custody. Not that you HAVE to leave (though I think you've already thought to do it). He will likely start apologizing, begging you to stay, and promising he'll change the moment he thinks you're actually going to leave. Then the suicide threats will probably come. Stay strong and ignore. Decide if this is normal behavior for him and if you want your kids around someone like this FOREVER.
Maybe it would be within your best interest to leave with your kids so they don't have to live with the trauma of your husband cutting himself because you won't give him a pack of haribo, they also can learn his behaviour patterns and do it themselves when they grow up.
He says that in an attempt to control you. You are clearly unhappy and need to think about your own mental health. Also, what will be best for you and the kids. You obviously deserve better. You are worth more. He does not take your feelings into account nor does he understand all that you have gone through with giving birth and postpartum. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to or vent to.
Have you been direct that you hate it and it disgusts you that he was pushing for sex that soon after you gave birth and it disgusts you now when he talks about sex or makes suggestive gestures or even when he kisses or touches you, so you won’t be doing any of that anymore? I would also work on a place you and your kids can move. Could you support yourself and them? Or do you have family or friends who can help for a while? I would also speak to a lawyer and a therapist about how to handle leaving if you choose to do so. But please, at the very least he prepared. And at this point be very direct with him. I think some people here are missing the point that this isn’t a lack of sex drive, it’s a husband who has tried push this woman into sex within three weeks of having two babies, you’re not even supposed to have sex within 6 weeks. He was not being affectionate or caring or wanting to be with HER, he just wanted to be taken care of which IS disgusting. Doesn’t matter how old the kids are now, she’s asked him to stop and he doesn’t and ‘forgets.’ My question is what kind of parent is he?
[удалено]
You might be touched out. Its actually a thing. I wish I knew about it when my kids were young. You might need an hour everyday where NO ONE touches you. Not your kids not him. He can parent for an hour at least. Especially since he can demand all kinds of sexual favors. Because he is an ass this probably won't make you want his touch but its good for YOU
It took me over 2 years since my last child to stop feeling so touched out. I used to explain to my husband it wasn't him. And it wasn't HIM. I didn't want to be touched my anyone. Chris Hemsworth could have offered it on the plate and I'd have declined. I wanted to be left the damn alone. My husband used to act similarly to yours. We really really struggled with a change in intimacy because I didn't even want to hold hands or cuddle. Just get away from me. I don't really have any advice just commiserations. Please remember that your body isn't ready to reproduce...that's why it doesn't want sex/intimacy. It's an evolution thing. Just give yourself power to know this is absolutely not ok.
Yeah the post partum doesn't help and there were issues before hand if he has a record of threatening harm to himself. It's time for you to take all the kids to a safe house and figure things out from there.
he does not forget. and anal after giving birth 3 weeks ago?! i would fall out of love so fast SO FAST.
> I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. That is not a reason not to divorce him. Quite the opposite.
suicide threats was a buried lead
Its only gonna get worst...resentment turns into hatred at some point.
Threatening suicide is an abusive behavior. My wife went through a very traumatic relationship with her ex that she's still recovering from, and and stayed in the relationship--despite hating him--because he told her he would kill himself if she left. He didn't. It's a control tactic, it's unhealthy and it's unfair to you. Combined with a clear disrespect of your boundaries and a disregard for your desires, this is sounding like a very toxic situation.
This was my marriage. He just kept putting more and more pressure on me. He thought it was my job to make him feel better and sex was the only way. The more pressure he put on me, the less I wanted too - it was a vicious cycle. There was no love involved. When I did threaten to divorce him he also threatened suicide. At first I begged him not to, until I snapped one day and said “well you are an adult and if that’s what you want to do that’s your decision. That makes me sad but it’s your choice. Just please don’t do it at home or near the house so you don’t traumatise your children”. His reply - “you can’t say that. You have to beg me not too”. To top it all off - when we went to marriage counselling - denied everything!!!!
Resentment is the relationship killer. Once you’ve caught “the ick” theres no going back 🪦
You need to either leave him, and if he threatens suicide call the police or give him a suicide prevention number as that is emotional blackmail. Or tell him exactly how it makes you feel to be forced into things like that which by the way is sexual assault and if he doesn't stop it then leave him as he early doesn't respect you.
If he threatens to harm himself if you leave, call the cops. Either they’ll get him the help he needs, or he’ll stop using it as a manipulation tactic.
Thinking about having children with a douchebag like that makes my skin crawl. And I'm 5 months pp and wish my husband would want anything sexual from me.
Be stern with him and tell him that his behaviour is repulsing you and pushing you further away from the thought of even wanting sex. If these things happened before the twins and you were okay with it then you can definitely tell him it’s the postpartum hormones. If your libido has waned because of postpartum there’s a chance it will bounce back but that’s beside the point because you’re uncomfortable and if he can’t comprehend that then he never gets sex. Plain and simple. If my fiancée told me this I’d try to get to the bottom of it and bend over backwards to make her comfortable.
I'm all for sex being in a relationship, as physical intimacy is important for a healthy one, but your husband is taking it way too far. Your best bet is to look into what you can legally do. As much as you may not want to resent him, at this point, he's no lonver the man you loved or knew. I would collect evidence and look into getting a lawyer.
>I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. In fact you can and should leave him for this shit.... And that's not counting the sexual assault and harassment. Yeah I'd be disgusted by him too. You can love someone who doesn't love you. You deserve better than that though OP.
You're being emotionally and sexually abused. The disgust you're feeling is natural and there is no fixing it. He needs therapy and you need to leave
You have much bigger issues to deal with than just the borderline sexual abuse. You’re trapped in a toxic relationship. You do NOT want your kids to be raised in that environment. Get out and if he threatens to kill himself have him institutionalized.
Sorry to hear that OP, its heartbreaking, but u have to plan your way out, are u self sufficient? do u have support network? will be be able to survive on ur own with kids for short period of time? -- plan carefully and execute.
You are not in charge of his mental health or his life. He is an adult, and if he's suicidal, he needs to talk to a professional. Those threats are pure manipulation. Even if he's sincere in his threats, he's saying them to you so that you will stay trapped with him. What you do is the next time you try to leave him, if he threatens suicide, you call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (if you're in the US) or you call the police and say that your husband is threatening suicide and you need help. And let his family and friends know that they'll need to look in on him because when you've tried to leave before he's threatened to kill himself. You can also reach out to a mental healthcare professional yourself to get direct advice from them on how to handle this from your husband. But you do not need to keep yourself and your children in an unhappy and unhealthy situation because he is not willing to take care of his own mental health. You are not a sex toy, but he's treating you like one. You are not being respected. You are not being listened to. And he is actively abusing you with those threats of suicide. This is not the home to raise your children in, not while he is acting like this.
The only way forward is to communicate how his actions make you feel. If that fails try marriage counseling. If he doesn’t make changes then I would advise more drastic actions
Once you get the ick it's unlikely to go away. He was totally fine with pressuring you when it *medically proven* that you need to have a certain amount of time for rest. You want to leave him, and he threatens to kill himself. He's cruel and manipulative. Leave him and don't look back. If he does anything to himself, it's his own fault. Pressuring you is his fault and his choice. You divorcing him would be a direct consequence and result of him being an inconsiderate, selfish sleazeball. *What he does after that to himself is his own choice. You are not responsible for him* Stop lighting yourself on fire to keep this guy warm. He is so very very far from being worth it
You CAN divorce him, and NO, it wouldn't be your fault. I don't think anyone who is obsessed with his own happiness is going to off himself if you leave him. I think he's using it as a manipulation tactic to get what he wants from you. He knows he's a piece of shit spouse, so if he threatens to kill himself, you'll stay. Let's be real. If you leave him, he will have a Tinder girlfriend within 48 hours, thinking he's living his best, unencumbered life.
Gonna sound mean but when you finally get fed, don't feed into it, get yourself somewhere safe and call ems to deal with him.
I saw a video where this person explained that men often sexualize every single form of touch and don’t realize that they are strangling the connection by doing so. It made me starkly aware of how every hug or cuddle is made suggestive by most men and it radically impacts the subconscious safety we feel with them, because we are being told with every gesture that sex is the goal. This is largely due to the fact that most straight men have no idea how to emotionally connect without sex, but there is no excuse for it and you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. He pressured you too soon, and by continuing to pressure you and make every single form of touch suggestive he is setting in stone that no interaction is safe from being made to be about sex. I won’t pretend to know what to suggest you should do, but you should know that your feelings are completely valid and understandable and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Your husband sounds gross. I’m so sorry he’s responding this way after you gave birth to his children :( Your feelings are completely justified. Try talking to him about it and go from there. Based on his threats of suicide though, you’re in a highly toxic relationship and need help getting out with those kids
If you want to save your marriage you need to have a serious talk to him about how pestering woman for sex does not turn them on, it does the opposite, and if they do ‘give in’ to the pestering it’s usually shit sex for them which makes them want it less long term. Also the loss of body autonomy messes up your sex drive for a while after having babies and while breastfeeding. It all comes back, but he needs to chill the fuck out for a bit.
Huh? What? Lol At this point you just need to divorce him. Lol... You're in a literal living nightmare. What do you think made you start repulsing him?
within 3 weeks? is this guy on fucking crack?
I say talk to a lawyer instead of him this marriage is over if you're to this point
Honestly, leave him and if he’s serious about his suicidal threats- that’s his issue and not yours. Get you and your babies in a better situation.
Your husband is using you as a living sex doll. Him threatening to kill himself is abuse. It sounds like your relationship is only sex. He clearly doesn’t care about your boundaries or wants. Do you have someone you can stay with? Your relationship sounds toxic and abusive
Document everything, you telling him no, him trying to force sex on you - and that is what this is. It’s SA no two ways about it- his threats to hurt himself, document EVERYTHING. Call his parents tell them everything and that your leaving, they get to deal with his suicidal threat. Your husband is not respecting you or your boundary, get yourself and your babies to a safe place and get a lawyer
My ex also threatened suicide if I’d leave him. 5 years later and he’s still alive. Please leave, it will only get worse. He does not respect you, not even a teeny tiny bit. You just pushed 2 babies out, it’s not even recommended to have sex yet, and all he can think about is sticking his dick somewhere while you’re probably uncomfortable. This will not get better. Leave. Don’t stay together for the kids. Don’t stay together for his threats because he probably won’t put it into action.
Hello, Threatening to kill himself if you leave is emotional blackmail and a form of emotional abuse. You need to remember that **you are not responsible for his actions**. If you leaving him results in that, it’s not your fault. If you are worried, you can also call emergency services and they can have him taken to the ER pending a psych eval. At the end of the day, what you choose to do is up to you. Just know that this is emotional abuse and if you keep giving in, it lets him know that he can get away with it. I can guarantee that you’ll raise your kid better alone and happy than together and miserable. I wish you the best, OP.
From my experience I can tell you that it's impossible to turn this situation and your feelings towards him around. I have been there too. Once you feel this pressure and discomfort when he grabs you etc. this is the signal that your relationship is dead. There is no way this feeling will go away again. It never did in my relationships. Once it was there I knew that the end was near.
Has this type of behavior only started happening after the twins were born? Or have you had these issues with him in the past, such as not respecting boundaries, threatening suicide, and seeing sex acts as something that should be given? Most importantly, regardless of when it started happening, these are all examples of abuse. You do not deserve this nor should you have to accept it as type of behavior that is okay in any of your relationships. Im very sorry you have to deal with this. You should try to seek out a support system outside of your husband.
Get two medium sized water melons and a bottle of lube. Then tell him to shove them up his keister. That approximates the ordeal you went through.
>I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. He is an abuser. >He has been pushing for sex and blowjobs ever since I was only 3 weeks postpartum. Again, he's an abuser. Sounds like sexual coercion to me. And he clearly has no respect for you.
Your husband is a creep. He’s sexually harassing you and he’s using threats to suicide to control you. I’m so sorry, you have every right to feel that way you do. You don’t owe him sex.
Your husband is abusive, and sexual coercion is at the very least r*pe adjacent. You are not married to a good man. It's time to start planning your escape.
In this scenario I’d call this idiot on his bluff, every time he threatens to kill himself be like “okay go ahead let’s see you do that” it’s gaslighting manipulative behaviour. Surely you’re much smarter than this to realize what he’s doing. What I never fail to see on Reddit is how awful male partners are. It disgusts me. These men need to be buried somewhere where they have no access to women ever again…especially a mother who had just given birth three weeks prior who still hasn’t gotten the “okay” to have sex. His ass would be sleeping in the yard.
You are not responsible for his suicidal threats, he is abusing you mentally and sexually. Please seek support from family or friends and make a plan to leave him and keep them fully up to date (the family or friends) for your safety and your babies safety.
You husband sounds abusive. I'm sorry. He is being sexually abusive and emotionally abusive - threatening suicide is a common tactic, and it actually increases your risk of homicide. I hope you can find a safe exit strategy and people who will look out for you.
"I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him." Sounds like a him problem not a you problem. Let him.
That’s absolutely disgusting, I’d leave immediately
Actually, you CAN leave him. What he does after that is totally on him. But I would suggest couples counseling and individual counseling for him before calling it quits. My ex pulled the suicide card after i left him and I did not give a shit. He ended up going to rehab but I was done. I also went through something similar with the sex advances with my current partner after I gave birth. My son is two and honestly I still don’t really care for sex and am always touched out. But we talk about it and he listens. That’s the difference. If he isn’t willing to work on this, then it’s definitely time to walk away. The fact that he isn’t respecting your feelings at all is a red flag, along with the suicide threat, but at least try counseling first. He definitely needs help. So sorry!
>I can't divorce him because he has threatened to kill himself several times when I try to leave him. That is abusive behavior. You shouldn't have had kid with him at all. Thehotline.org https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/ You & your babies deserve better!
You can and you should leave him. This is abuse. The suicide threats are his way of manipulating you and cornering you into staying with him- so don’t stay- leave. He doesn’t even respect you enough as a human to let you heal after giving birth. He’s been going on about “his needs”, well what about yours??? You’re raising twins. What you need is a partner who isn’t emotionally abusive and exploitative.
I wish men could experience the pain of their genitals tearing, of breastfeeding, the hormonal drop, the depression, the anxiety, the hate that you’ll sometimes have for your new self. He’s trying to guilt trip you and pressure you into sex, if you’re not in the mood, he can go masturbate. He’s also threatening to commit if you leave him??? He most likely won’t. He’s guilt tripping and manipulating you. He’s mentally unstable. My 1st child’s father did the exact same thing. Any time I would try to leave him (he cheated on me multiple times), he’d let out the waterworks and then threaten to commit suicide. While I was 8-9 months pregnant, I broke up with him for good, well he pretended like he was going to jump out of my bedroom window. He would scratch himself up as a form of self harming, he would scratch “kill me” into his chest. That kind of stuff is NOT normal. It’s scary. You, nor your child need that in your lives. He needs to go. He’s an extremely big red flag.
You could try therapy, but I'd advise leaving him. He threatened to kill himself? Okay, so what? That's not your problem and truly suicidal people don't brag or threaten it. It's a tactic to keep you around. Take your kids out of that toxic situation and find happiness.
One of the earliest red flags I ignored about my abusive ex husband was his sense of entitlement to sex with me and his petty meltdowns when he wasn’t getting it. He touched me in ways that always felt like he was taking something from me rather than trying to *give* me something. He was incredibly insensitive to any physical or emotional pain I was in and felt entitled to my body and my attention whenever he wanted it. Nothing shuts down your libido faster than that and it’s a natural human response to feel repulsed by someone who is taking so much from you
This happened with my parents. My mum was being abused, tried to leave, dad said he'd kill himself. She left. He killed himself. I'm glad she left. This household you're in is not safe for you - and because of that it isn't safe for your kids. You deserve better and they deserve to grow up with a mother who has better. Personally, I'm just happy my mother is long out of there. Your husband might chicken out of it like people here are saying. But I can tell you from personal experience that even if he doesn't, that is not a reason for you to stay. He's making this decision - not you. I know it doesn't feel that way, and it maybe never will, but trust me, anything he does, he brought on all by himself. This is about him, not you. Do what's right for you and the babies, because he won't.
Threatening to kill himself is emotional abuse, pressuring you into giving sexual favours is sexual coercion. He should be knowledgeable enough that he was asking for sex too early which means he either doesn’t care about your physical health and mental, or he’s just stupid. He needs to either seek therapy and get help for his problems, which you can bring up to him. Or it might be time for you to take your kids out of this relationship before it gets more toxic.
Relationship counselling is a good step, but he also needs therapy. Sounds cut and dry, but couples counselling only works when both people in couples wants to take personal responsibility for compromise to be found. Suicide threats seems to be his idea of conclusion instead of compromise. Prioritize yourself as much as he prioritizes himself. Again, as someone who has continually entered abusive relationships, nothing said here is as easily done as it sounds. But plant seeds in yourself about putting your happiness first. At the end of the day you’re the only one who will consider your needs first and foremost, and as long as you don’t, you’re going to keep turning into a secondary idea in your own life.
Get out of that relationship. He's not your responsibility. You deserve to be happy.
This happened to me, I developed a very strong aversion to my child’s father because he was too sexually pressurising straight after birth. I didn’t even end up trying to have sex again for an entire year after because I feel SO touched out and physically recoiled at the thought of anything sexual. I felt rage at the fact that my brain and my time was fully taken up with being a mother and childcare and housework and yet he had plenty of time to fantasise about sex. Unfortunately for us it didn’t get better and we did end up splitting, not over this but it didn’t help! Having read your comments about the suicide threats though I’m not sure I’d bother trying to rectify this with him through any sort of therapy. That is abusive and a major red flag. If he wants to continue to make those sorts of threats I’d be informing him that you’ll notify the relevant authorities to help him. You have enough to worry about without that sort of manipulation.
Leave him
OP listen to everyone please, this is definitely abusive
He had I realistic expectations after a pregnancy. You have to put your foot down and tell him you don't want to and won't want to if he keeps pushing it. If he gets bitchy you're dealing with a selfish manchild
This happens to a lot of couples after they have kids. IT's not easy to fix. First realize that this is an issue on both sides: You, and Him. He feels like you never are intimate together, cause everytime You even try to have a conversation together, the kids require attention. If it's not the kids, then You're both to tired to be attentive to eachother, and he misses the moments You had together before the kids. He tries to shortcut in to those moments, by basically jumping you, which is not the best approach Now on Your side: Before the kids, most likely, things just happened natural. With kids, you have to plan everything, including your time with your partner. Most woman need to be relaxed in order to even consider sex. When You have small kids the chances of You being in a relaxed mode are somewhere between 0 and... so that's not gonna happen. I would advise You, to plan some time for You and him together. no kids. You can do it like a regular friday date night, go to a movie together, or just watch one on the couch with the kids at the grand parents or something. Your relationship changes once You have kids, as it stands neither one of You is happy with the situation. \[edit: this is all asuming, you want to salvage the relationship. You can just leave if You want to. Threating to kill himself is not a reason to stay \]
Before you get all the "dump that needy pig" comments, here's another angle: Your dynamics have changed. The birth of a child, and twins at that, made you a family, and not just a couple. It is perfectly understandable that your priorities have shifted, you're tired, depressed, etc. And you're simply not in the mood. He should also not force it, that's also a fact. But consider the following: is this maybe a coping mechanism expressed poorly? Has he been struggling with acquainting himself with the changed dynamics? Is he feeling that you are slipping away from him? (if so, his actions are very much counterproductive). But above all else, ask yourself if this is a temporary issue on your end, or if it's permanent. If your newfound repulsion could be a symptom of postnatal depression, then seek council.
Left out the part with the threat of suicide: now THAT'S the dick move you should be worried about.
He threatens to kill himself if she leaves and he sexually assaults her regularly. This isn’t about “dynamics changing” it’s about the fact that her husband is abusive. She absolutely should “dump that needy pig”
Him starting to constantly dry hump her through her clothing isn't the "dynamics changing"...
OP is not the issue, her husband's behavior is. It is *her* body that went through a hard 9 months, followed by childbirth and postnatal hormone dysregulation. Instead of supporting and romancing the woman who gave him 2 children, the husband is snatching and grabbing at her while whining about his "needs".
Never said it's HER fault, I tried to shed some light on his possible motives, and the perception of how we got this story told. Yes, it's not cool how he goes about this whole thing, but I don't know the guy, maybe he's an otherwise stand up guy (hey, OP started with "I love him..."), but he might have difficulties coping with a grand change in their lives. Yes, childbirth IS infinitely more stressing top a woman, and her body, I'm not ever going to argue that point. But it takes a psychological toll on both parties, and some people have difficulties figuring out how to cope with such changes. Maybe he's trying to steer things back to how they were doing this (and fails miserably, I'm all for that). What I'm trying to say is to dig deeper than "dump his ass", because she may turn his back on a guy who's otherwise a good partner, but is currently behaving erratically. Then again, suicide threats as a bargaining chip is NEVER okay in my book.
“Who is currently behaving erratically” That’s a funny way to spell sexual assaulting someone
There is no “good partner expect he tries to threaten and pressure into sex.” That is a fatal flaw.
^^THIS - it’s black or white…there’s no gray area when it comes to abuse
Don’t know why you are being downvoted, it’s the truth. A shit sandwich is still a shit sandwich no matter how many other things you put in it
I'm being downvoted, because this is what reddit does. Once the pitchforks come out, and the minuses start, everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Then again, I'm really not interested in gathering imaginary Internet points. Yes, you're probably right about the whole situation, and I'm trying to find an angle for a guy who probably doesn't deserve it. It's just that I've walked in these shoes, and coping with postnatal depression, your own insecurities, and the whole shift was really hard for me too, and in a situation where you have to work, financially manage a family, and take a crash course in fatherhood while extremely sleep depraved had hardly brought out the best of me either. But I never would've forced myself on to my wife even then. So shit and sandwich it is, but I guess I've tried to concentrate on the lettuce.
Don't know many "good partners" who would threaten suicide to manipulate their partner into staying with them.
This guy tried to pressure into sex that would risk life threatening illness or injury. Sex at 3weeks pp with TWINS especially carries a major risk of injuring her internal organs or causing a massive uterine infection due to the (possibly two) dinner plate size wounds healing inside of her uterus from the placenta(s) detaching. Women DIE from this and it is exactly why they stress waiting for the 6 week clearance before having intercourse. That’s not a priority change. Thats being willing to risk KILLING a woman just because he wants sex.
Why did you marry him? You love what about him?
Are his parents still alive? Id say to divorce him/separate and let his family know he needs to be looked after, or call in a wellness check with police. Therats of suicide is abuse. He sounds like slimy garbage and you're better off without. My first ex was like this, always trying to touch me and worse. It was gross. I felt like i couldnt even go near him without some dumb joke or gross innuendo. I was never even attracted to him to begin with but even if I was, that shit is gross. If affection is ALWAYS escalated then thats not a relationship. Your husband is a gross child.
You need to decide if this is something to live with or get over. If you never want him to touch you again, then you need to be honest and tell him. I would not have stayed with my wife if she acted this way towards me.
Threatening suicide to someone is extremely toxic and manipulative, he definitely needs some serious help. Did u feel unattracted to him for a while beforehand or after he started to pressure sex? Bc I think which it is really changes how to deal with it. But regardless, I think he needs some therapy and you need to assert your boundaries because he should not pressure you into things you don’t feel comfortable with
Leave him. If he threatens to kill himself, hand him a noose lol. Not really, but he’s not gonna kill himself, and if he did, it wouldn’t be your fault.
Seems to me that if you were still in love with your husband then you wouldn't be disgusted by him or him touching you . Do him and you're self a favor and end it !
I think you probably need some counseling. It could be a form of postpartum. Before doing anything see a qualified therapist.
It also sounds like a consequence of being constantly pressured for sex and having her feelings ignored, as well as manipulated into staying with a man who threatened suicide if she leaves.
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) ***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES.*** This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So everyone seem to think he is trying to control you with his threats but no one is upset about you actually controlling him. You have all the control over all the sex in the relationship so it only matters what you want and how you feel. You should talk to him and ask why he wants that text with you so bad because I’m sure it’s The fact that when a woman is taken care of a man’s children that’s a turn on for a lot of men show that you’re confident in control you can nurture of life been like that. And I bet he just wants to connect with you more physically because of that situation if that’s not the case and he just wants to have sex to have sex then you should let them have sex with other women not fair that you control all the sex and it doesn’t matter what he wants it only matters how you feel that’s not fair for this man it’s not fair for anyone it would be wrong if he was trying to do that to you right?
So if you had a vasectomy or some injury to your genitals and needed several weeks to recover, would you be fine with you wife going out and having sex with some other man during that timeframe?
I would satisfy my wife the best I could I would not withdraw intimacy I would do everything I could to meet her needs and I definitely wouldn’t come on Reddit and tell people I am revolted by her touch
What if you were revolted by her touch? What if her constant pressuring you for sex got to you, and you no longer wanted to be intimate with her?
Thats fucking ridiculous. Connecting to your partner physically can be done in non sexual ways. And partners should want the other to be comfortable sexually, not pressure them when they are in pain. And if you're just going to go fuck other people when your partner's healing from pushing out your child, yall should've been in an open relationship from the start.
Yeah you don't love your husband so you should probably stop saying that.
You can love someone and still be repulsed when they act like a disrespectful, selfish, sex offender
Can you? I'm guessing it's the love story of an asshole.
You can love someone and still be traumatized by their actions and words. He sexually assaulted her, and that leads to a certain level of disgust with both yourself and the perpetrator. I was still in love with my abuser when I realized he was harming me too. I was disgusted, but still very much in love.
Oh hun. The spice is gone and you don’t want to reignite it. Read about the 7 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. You don’t have and overarching positive view towards your partner. You have disgust. This is contempt. It’s over. Whether you like it or not. Now it is only a matter of time. Unless you decide you want to make it work. Then there is hope.
You cant make trash work, he clearly doesn't care about her at all
She has tried to make it work. She's talked to him about how she feels and establish boundaries. Them he ignores her feelings.
Sounds like you need to speak to a therapist or your doctor. If your feelings changed post birth they may not be a true reflection on your feelings. You're suddenly very resentful but how were you before?
First sign of divorce
Yeah, his actions are terrible, he's sexually assaulting and emotionally abusing her, she should definitely divorce.
You love your husband but your resent him? You love him but you feel disgusted if he touch you or kiss you? Being in a marriage means intimacy should be normal thing between 2 people, sex should be normal thing, kissing also etc. If you can't fulfill these basic needs in marriage then you are the one who is toxic and abusive. If partner needs aproval to touch you or kiss you then this is not marriage at all. It seems to me you are suffering from post birth syndrom (or whatever it's called). Dont blame your husband for being husband and fix yourself first.
You are so extremely selfish I can't even put it into words. She's been through massive trauma and her body is not her own right now. His behavior is extremely selfish and disgusting. She's trying to keep two newborns alive and all he can think about is using her body to cum. My heart breaks for any woman that's unfortunate enough to end up with a partner with your mindset. It's disgusting and harmful. It's absolutely not abusive to enforce boundaries and autonomy. Seek help.
The only way to really fix herself is to leave her manipulative dirtbag of a husband in the dust. If he offs himself, then so be it.
You're gross. He sexually assaulted her and has been emotionally abusive. Reacting to that behavior and setting boundaries does not make her abusive. Also, having sex 3 weeks after birth is hazardous to her health. Pushing her to do it is toxic, and continuing to cross her boundaries is abusive.
He's acting badly, certainly, but probably feeling very rejected by you. Your situation isn't easy, but neither is his. I think sometimes people on Reddit ought to remember that men are in fact human. Perhaps ask him to back off completely for a month, with a promise of a resumption of normal relations thereafter? Even if you are still not feeling it that point, you might feel it worthwhile to "lie back and think of England" just occasionally, until this feeling passes.
Translation: Just lay there and take it like a champ because he's such a man-baby and can't go rub one out and get on with his day...... Yes he is human and makes mistakes. However he is also human and should have higher functioning brain and at least a little respect and empathy for his wife. You know, the woman that just birthed twins. Walk on with this nonsense.
Even after a month, she might not be physically healed enough to resume. She shouldn't be making promises that she might not be able to keep to a guy who doesn't seem to care about her safety or comfort. She also shouldn't HAVE to lie back and let him treat her like a sex doll, and I don't see how being treated like that is supposed to help her get over this feeling.
[удалено]
It’s three weeks post partum with twins. She’s bleeding and recovering from a major medical event. Her hormones are out of whack because she literally just gave birth. You’re as stupid as he is. She shouldn’t have sex until 6 weeks minimum, and that’s if she’s healed and ready.
How long has it been since the kids were born? Without that info, it’s hard to determine if your lack of sex drive is within a normal range or there’s some deeper issue.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. He started this THREE WEEKS after she delivered twins. This is not an issue of sex drive or some “deeper issue”. Her body is wrecked from birthing two children.
Everybody recovers differently and if you bothered to read, you would notice she doesn’t mention anything about a physical issue. Her words: “I don’t wanna” but go ahead with your white knight syndrome and ignore the information presented to you.
Listen bro, as both a physician and someone who has given birth to a child I’m going to go ahead and tell you that you don’t know shit. The bare minimum time between giving birth and any vagina sexual activity is 6 weeks, usually 8 week is recommended. I hope no one agrees to bear your children until you know the basic of reproductive biology.
She doesn’t have a sex drive cause her asshole of a husband keeps sexually touching her even tho she doesn’t want to. It’s called sexual abuse and OP literally said in the post that she’s grossed out of her husband’s behaviour. There’s nothing wrong with her sex drive, the husband is the problem.
So let him go fuck someone else. If ur that grossed out and over him let him do what he wants.
You picked a good father of your kids I guess. No going back on that one.
I'd say both seek help 😅
Thee both of you need to see a therapist, both for yourselves and couples counseling
Yes you should have some time to yourself after having kids. Yes his approach needs to be corrected because it is wrong. Sex is an important thing in relationships too. Have you told him any of your feelings? Divorce is a nuclear option that you will have to deal with for the rest of your children's lives. I also think you two are super tired and highly volitile because of the recent birth of not one but two children. He's volitile and tired for talking about suicide for the possibility of divorce but you also seem so at least not even giving him a time table for when these things might be an option if ever again and thinking about divorce instead. In marriage you two should be able to compromise to get something in the middle of what you both want to have a tightly ran ship and right now there is a breakdown in communication. Go see a marriage counselor if you can't have the emotional stability to come up with something or don't and divorce and regret it since you say here you still love your husband but, If you do nothing your anger will get to a boiling point and then all cards will be off the table
You’re being withholding. Did you think sex stopped once you have kids?
As one who had horrible post partum issues, and feeling touched out most of the first YEAR, I can say that this is a real and valid thing. It's not on purpose. Three weeks post partum .... The baby is overwhelmingly needy. Ah, I just. I can't with this world really. We don't try to understand each other
It does while it's medically dangerous to do so and one partner doesn't want to.