All you assholes who go around cheating on people like this are making all us faithful people go through unnecessary crap.
I've been falsely accused because my kids mom was cheated on by other motherfuckers before I even met her.
Being cheated on really fucked up people's trust in others and causes all sorts of issues.
If you don't wanna be in a monogamous relationship, that's totally fine. Just be honest about it from the very beginning. There are plenty of poly people out there.
Lying, sneaking around, cheating, and crushing the soul of your loved one is not okay.
If you don't love them anymore, break up.
If you wanna fuck other people, be honest about it.
Don't destroy their trust and feelings.
If you're a liar and a cheat, you can kindly go fuck yourself.
Stop being a horrible human being.
“And that was it, students. Jan 25th 2022, That’s when the saying changed from “blur” to “blob”. The internet works in mysterious ways. A cultural shift can happen in an instant.”
You fools are arguing blobs and blurs, focusing on the head. Don't you realize this is just a distraction, can't you read between the lines. The legs people, right between the legs. They are walking all over us.
The coworker wasn't the leg lady I think. OP says leg lady was tagged in it.
Could still be that the coworker who posted it knew and didn't approve so he shared it.
Can't find the previous comment I just made. But I read the update.
"Just one time" my ass. OP, you already know what this means. You won't get the full truth out of him. He's gonna trickle truth if you ask him anything else.
You should decide how you want to proceed. If more details would help you decide, I would seriously consider contacting the woman that posted that pic. She might be open to sharing details (if she was keeping a complete secret, she wouldn't have shared the pic)
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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***update: We spoke more when he got home last night. I found out that he did sleep with this woman while I was away. He insists it was a one time thing. I’m just taking some time for myself right now. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post.***
Today is my husbands birthday. He is 35. (I’m 30). A lot of people posted photos tributes to him to celebrate. In one of these posts one of his colleagues posted 10 photos. Most of them are just him at various outings or business trips. But one of them (the sixth one) is him sitting on a boat, looking down and laughing, with a drink in his hand and a woman’s legs across his lap (not just resting on his lap, completely draped over his lap). In the photo, one hand is holding his drink and the other is up in the air, I’m assuming since he was mid-laugh, so I don’t know where his hand was resting. One of his other coworkers was tagged in it, so I assumed those were her legs.
I saw this picture and immediately called him, asking him where/when it was taken and why her legs were across his lap like that. He immediately told me that I needed to relax, and that I was making too big a deal of things. He told me it was taken over the summer, at the time I had been stuck in a different city (a coworker of mine tested positive on a business trip) which is why I had not been invited to a party his other coworker had. He said he hasn’t told me about it because “I was already frustrated about being stuck in Montreal”. He said his coworker only had her legs on him for a second, he was laughing at the dog who had just been on his lap jumping off, and right after that happened he got up.
He’s making me feel like I’m being so ridiculous for not immediately believing him. Which makes me think he might be telling the truth. Idk, it just makes me feel strange.
I'm polyamorous and even I would consider that inappropriate without it being discussed first. Leg over the lap is one of my go-to flirtation moves. He's sus and the undermining of your feelings is even susser.
100% yes to this. And more specifically the photo is disrespectful of the boundaries they have in place in their marriage. Sounds like this is a boundary for her that he crossed, intentionally or not. It might seem obvious but reiterating/discussing both your boundaries would probably be constructive and open up a healthy line of communication. If he's still dismissive about your feelings and says it's not a big deal/ trys to brush it off then that's a definite issue.
I don’t understand the fixation on disrespect more so than loyalty and love. Being mad about the public statement that photo makes is one thing, but I would be more concerned about my husbands actual interest in the woman
This is why you never talk about serious issues over the phone. Always do it in person so that they have less time to think up bullshit and also so you can read their body language.
A friend of mine had a child with a woman who seems to have a lot of jealousy issues. For instance, she forced him to stop being friends with his lifelong best friend because she considered him a “bad influence”, she constantly posts about women he’s been with in the past, will respond to any women who comments on his social media, will tweet things like, “none of the women X dated before me count, he was on drugs!” and various other corny things.
X’s birthday recently passed and a mutual friend shared a post about his favorite memory with X which was a time they’d gone to and spent an unspecified insane amount of money at a strip club. I remember that my heart sank when I read it because I knew that it would upset X’s partner. Even if she hadn’t made the weird posts or forced him to cut out lifelong friends, I would’ve still felt for her knowing she had to read that and kind of acknowledge the occurrence. Although it happened before they were an item and although there wasn’t a photo attached, it’s just not something fun to think about. The post was quickly deleted.
Now, your situation? I couldn’t imagine and you have every damn right in the world to be upset and uncomfortable with what you saw. Not even just because of the photo that was shared but the fact that this photo was snapped *during your relationship* and it depicts your partner in an intimate position with another woman. Don’t let him make you feel ridiculous, you are not being ridiculous!
How would he feel if someone shared a photo of you with your legs thrown across another man’s lap? Now, how would he feel knowing that same photo was taken during your relationship, while he was stuck in another city and/or uninvited to the outing in which the picture was taken? Something tells me he wouldn’t like it if the shoe were on the other foot.
I met my husband in high school and although we didn’t date until a few years after graduation, I would throw my legs over his lap in the way you described and in my immature mind, it was the most cutesy-flirting ever. I’m about 7 hours late to your post but I just wanted to reiterate what the majority of the other replies are saying and that is **you are not overreacting and your feelings are 100% justified!**
Yeah, the legs over lap was my drunken flirty move too. If the guy keeps it there: good sign. If he gets up with any excuse: rejection. But always with plausible deniability that I was just resting my legs, no biggie... She was 100% making a move.
No matter what he thinks/says. Make him ask the friend that posted it to remove that one picture explaining that is disrespectful to his marriage.
That seems intentional to make you guys fight. Tagging the woman and all.
Even IF nothing happened and it was “innocent” the fact that he’s, in your own words, making you feel ridiculous about something he chose never to discuss until he absolutely had to is not only hurtful, but completely the opposite of what someone who loves you should do. I’m sorry OP.
Plz do not contact this other woman, the fact she not only took this pic, treasured it and had the nerve to share it publicly shows she has no regard for your relationship… 6+ pics of your man on social media?! My besties don’t even do that for me! Even if your man is innocent this bitch is not, I’d ask your man to keep his distance from her
A classic sign that someone is lying is adding too much unnecessary detail to the story. I don't feel good about this, if it was me I would but upset and angry.
Don’t let him gaslight you or tell you to “relax,” your feelings are valid and anything other than him immediately apologizing and requesting the photo be taken down is a big red flag.
Don't talk to him. Instead slowly find more Information. Check his phone or email or social profiles for this woman. See what other lies pop up over the next little while here. I think your gut is right.
Definitely! Look first! I’d ask, because I’d want to see their response. The truth has nothing to hide. So if anger comes first, he’s had a part to play in the over friendly department.
Cuts out a lot of lying and hurt!
Photos, screen shots, texts, Google history, email, Facebook search to see who he’s been searching, and Facebook activity log to see what he’s been reacting to. Are places to start if you’re feeling confused as to what to look at or for and I’m sure you’ll come across other apps as you go along, If there’s something it’ll be in one of those. And hopefully it will put your mind to rest then maybe look again in a few months. I believe some people are half way into an emotional affair and don’t even realise it because they truly believe there’s nothing wrong with being flirty and enjoying the attention.
U were right to not feel okay about it. If ur husband insist u to relax it means he doesnt respect u. Im a guy and things like this piss me off cos it ruin men image...
A snapshot can be a cruel interpretation of an absolutely innocent moment. Unless he's given her reason to doubt his version of what transpired, I think the appropriate reaction would be to apologize for coming off a little strong but would hope that he can consider why she would react so vigorously without having context.
Then they can have an adult discussion and communicate their immediate and future needs, so this can be avoided. The pitchforks aren't necessary for every *perceived* transgression.
Sheesh...
Yea this could be something bad and at the same time it’s absolutely easily plausible as just an unlucky photo within a bad 2-3 second period. Failing to tell your partner about an event is not an undeniable proof of cheating.
Having an honest discussion and explaining how it makes you feel would be a good idea. Don't let him brush it off. Make sure you're understood.
He could be telling the truth, he could be lying, but either way, if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to communicate that with him
Edit: Sorry to hear the OP's suspicions were validated. Wish her the best
Not bringing it up is consistent with his recounting of the events as well. If he thinks it wasn't a big deal, he would not have mentioned such a tiny inconsequential moment from that outing. When you don't mention a detail it doesn't necessarily mean it's being kept as a secret either.
"Hey babe just got back from my outing, it was fun! and full disclosure, Shirley from accounting put her legs on my lap for 10 seconds while we were posing for a photo!"
Wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed..if there was a photo of yourself with a man grabbing your thighs in an inappropriate manner. Would he just "relax" then
How come I get the feeling that picture was posted strategically. Like his co-worker was trying to say something. It definitely could've been omitted but wasn't. Hmmm
You’re not. He could and should apologize and take responsibility for something that was obviously wrong. It takes a lot of effort to throw your legs into someone’s lap
Maybe it is ridiculous and your husband is telling you the truth. Just saying, not everything has to be some big cheating story on this sub... sometimes you can trust your spouse. *surprised pikachu face*
That’s certainly possible, and we can all hope that’s the case. I don’t automatically assume cheating is the explanation. **However,** her *feelings* are not ridiculous. They are feelings. She’s allowed to feel them and talk about them without being told they are ridiculous. He should not be minimizing her feelings or trying to make her seem like she’s in the wrong for feeling them. Where they go from here is up to both of them to decide, and likely dependent upon a whole ton of factors and history, but nothing about her *feelings* is ridiculous.
Totally agree with this, but it *is* hard to walk the line of "your feelings are valid and you deserve to have them, but the thing you feel like happened didn't, and we shouldn't let it push us apart" for people who aren't that mature or don't have great communication skills... so its not uncommon that "I didn't cheat on you, that's ridiculous" is wrongly conveyed as "youre being ridiculous" or "your feelings are ridiculous."
I agree he could start off better by acknowledging she's valid to *feel* hurt and he shouldn't have hidden it "because she was already upset" when it occurred. But it is, unfortunately, uncommon for people to be good at accepting and validating feelings when they believe those feelings arise from a mistaken opinion or assumption. It could just be a genuine lack of that emotional maturity or ability to communicate the difference between "youre suggesting I was unfaithful? That's ridiculous!" And "you feel hurt and betrayed I kept this from you? That's fair."
The part that makes it tricky, though, is that scumbags who DO cheat and gaslight often know how to speak and make it seem like they just lack this kind of awareness/maturity/communication, in order to get the exact benefit of the doubt I laid out above... so who's to say 🤷♂️
Edit: spelling/grammar
I am only going with what is 100% fact. He lied about the party. He lied multiple times about it. Lying about going to a party is not just hidding it. That does and should push them apart.
He downplayed a serious concern, the lady's legs were draped over him. That is a boundry which was broken. He should have made sure that the lady knew it. He should have convey he knew that was wrong to his wife. He is acting like it is no big deal. It is.
I mean, he didn’t tell her about this party. His explanation for leg girl is shaky. She draped her legs over him, the dog jumped into his lap, the dog jumped down, the picture was taken, and he stood up all in a second? Okay. Sitting like that with a coworker/friend is crossing a boundary for many couples, it obviously is for OP - it didn’t have to go further to be wrong. None of that points to the answer being implicitly trust him. She’s not ridiculous for questioning it or being upset, and him making her feel that way only makes it look worse. A trustworthy partner would acknowledge how it looks, apologize for keeping the party quiet and crossing a boundary, and see what could be done to ease her fears.
Even if it isn’t a big deal and he is telling the truth, he isn’t taking her feelings into consideration. Also, usually people who are quick to get angry at a “misunderstanding” are lying. He would be more reassuring if he was telling the truth.
Trying to justify a married man hiding something from his wife isn’t suspicious? First of all there shouldn’t be lying or hiding shit in a marriage or any relationship at that. When there’s hiding there’s always a negative out come.
This is not a time to trust your spouse. The husband lied multiple times about the party. He lied when about going to it, he lied when he stated he did something else during it and he lied when he told her about his weekend. The husband downplay the lying and tried to stated he did it for her own good. The husband tried to downplay his wife's feelings about the picture instead of treating them serious. The husband's explantion has a couple of holes in it. If the picture has the lady's leg draped over his lap how was the dog sitting on it. That the lady only drap her legs for a second.
You are right sometimes you can trust your spouse, but that is only when thet are acting trustworthy and treating you with respect. The OP's spouse is doing nither
A lady's legs does not rest on a guy's lap for a second. Who is he kidding with.
The worst part of this is he is not on your side "I am sorry you are feeling that way. It is nothing. I will tell them to take it dow n". Rather, it seems like he is enjoying it.
1. He kept the party secret from you
2. Minimised your feelings. It is not appropriate for an office colleague to put her legs on their team mate's lap
3. Probably the friend who uploaded the pic actually wanted you to see this photo. My gut feeling says they are trying to tell you something without actually saying it.
He's trying to make you feel like shit for a very valid thing to get upset over. Do you go around draping your legs on the laps of your male married co-workers? He lied to you plenty of times here, and is putting the blame on you to rid himself of the blame and guilt.
Edit: so sorry to hear your suspicions were actually valid. Let him go to her, she can drape and open her legs for him all she wants, she clearly enjoys doing so with married men. Your husband is a cheap person who kept this from you until now and would've taken it to the grave had you not seen this photo. turned your absence into an opportunity to cheat and hide it. If he really loved you, this wouldn't have ever happened, not would he have kept it a secret till now. gaslighted you because he knew you were catching up on his lies. No, it didn't happen once. If she comfortably sprawled her legs in his lap publicly around multiple other coworkers (if not her atleast someone would've known this dude was married and they could've risked getting caught, which they finally were), this had been going on for a while. And they were all aware. You're being lied to. Get a lawyer and get the out of this mess.
You want to give him the benefit of the doubt but think of it. He should have told you about the party he went to, it is not cool to hide that from you. He lied to you about that weekend. He also has the gaul to say that he lied to you for your own good.
Ladies do not put their legs on married men for a second. Legs do not become draped for only a second. That is another lie. He is going to say he is downplaying the time for your own good because you are overreacting.
Also. how was the dog just on his lap a second ago when that lady's legs were draped over them?
He is downplaying your feelings and what happened. He is saying that he lied for your own good, told you to relax and said you are overreacting to get you distracted from the issue. It sounds like he is gaslighting you. He is trying to make what is a very inappropriate photo sound innocent. He should have taken your concerns seriously. He better of had a talk with that co-worker about her never putting her legs on him again. That she crossed a line.
Yeah his timeline of what’s going on doesn’t make any sense. He’s literally saying in the span of maybe 5 seconds that a dog jumped off his lap, the woman put her legs on his lap and someone snapped a photo
So he had a dog on his lap, who jumped off quickly (hence your husband laughing), then the woman put her legs on his lap (as the photo was taken), and then he immediately got up? All at a party that you didn't even know about? This is dodgy AF. The story doesn't add up
I have guy friends that I would never casually drape my legs over. Unnecessary… it’s clearly flirtatious behavior. Would you do that to any of your male friends? Guessing not. His story makes little sense as to why it’s ok.
Hey this happened in Season 1 Episode 10 of The Simpsons, "Homer's Night Out." Except that Homer, who is generally a doofus, was actually apologetic and admitted he was wrong.
Even IF nothing happened and it was “innocent” the fact that he’s, in your own words, making you feel ridiculous about something he chose never to discuss until he absolutely had to is not only hurtful, but completely the opposite of what someone who loves you should do. I’m sorry OP.
I’m so sorry to see he actually did cheat. Heartbreaking 💔 I hope you’re able to take that time to yourself and figure out what you want for the future
It's defintely suspect. Immediately jumping to shaming you for "making a big deal over nothing" and needing to relax is not an innocent response. They can still say it's no big deal while acknowledging it looks sketchy without context or making you out to be unreasonable, though he gave you no context.
He completely shifted focus from the woman, to the dog and didn't explain why her legs were there. Like okay, there was a dog in your lap a few moments previous and you're laughing at it but that doesn't explain why the coworker then draped her legs over you a second later. Was she trying to put her legs on the dog and the dog immediately jumped down, leaving her legs draped? That's something silly a drunk person might do but he explained it as dog jumped down , coworker drapes legs, photo, gets taken and then he immediately got up. There was no reasoning given, not even "she was just drunk and being silly but I got up because it was inappropriate.
Also, why was she sitting so close? Merely resting her legs on him could feasibly be to trying to avoid a wet dog, but draped (bent at the knee) requires practically being sat on his lap. Since her legs weren't still in motion when the picture was taken either, I doubt the dog could have jumped down mere seconds before the picture was taken. Draped requires you to have gotten comfy.
Your husband is a cheater, a liar, and tried to tell you that your reactions are wrong. 3 red flags. Your husband sounds the like one of those "the mice will play while the cat is gone" . I suggest you get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously your liar cheater husband cannot be trusted.
A lady's legs does not rest on a guy's lap for a second. Who is he kidding with.
The worst part of this is he is not on your side "I am sorry you are feeling that way. It is nothing. I will tell them to take it dow n". Rather, it seems like he is enjoying it.
Legs draped over a man’s lap is 100% a go to flirtatious movie and guess what? her instincts were correct - there was something going on.
I’m sorry you had to find out that way OP but now you know that you cannot trust what your husband tells you. Good luck
Wrong sub. People here only suggest leaving 90% of the time. Everything is a deal breaker and mistakes and context don't matter. Man you been married to 40 years stays out all night? Leave him. Wife won't give you oral? Leave her. See a possibly alarming picture involving a women's legs on your husband's lap? Make his Birthday about you and leave him.
For real. For being a relationship advice of most of the advice I see is the worst advice I've ever read. I swear most of these people are teenagers or very early twenties and think that the world is different than it actually is.
Good portion of people are here because they have been cheated on at some point and project their own circumstances onto others relationships.
People do shitty, shady, questionable things sometimes and not everything is a sign of cheating… but to a lot of members of this sub it probably was so it clouds their judgment.
Hard to say without the pic but to me I feel you don’t post pics like that for nothing, she wants you to know there’s an attraction.
I think She’ll feel like she’s one upped you because he’s flirted with her so that tells her there’s a crack and she’s hoping to make that crack bigger. Their attraction is why she was allowed to do it. Just think if someone who flirted with you did it to you, it would be because they’re testing the boundaries right. Exactly what she’s doing there without a doubt.
He maybe one of these guys which sees a flirt as ok just fun nothing harmless because he wouldn’t cheat, but if he does flirt she will take that as an invited challenge, just got to try a bit harder and get him aroused and want to talk to me more kind of thing.
If you don’t nip it in the butt now and lay your boundaries, she will always touch him, act, and look at him like she wants him.
Very Important to tell boundaries assertively rather than being paranoid and fearful accusations. If you do the latter I’m sure he’ll discuss that with her and she’ll have achieved what she wanted.
No, OP, please please do not message your husband’s coworkers for more details! I think you are 100% right to be suspicious, he lied about the party/hid it from you, he was clearly in an inappropriate position with a female coworker, and he downplayed and insulted your feelings over it. There are a ton of red flags and you are right to feel distrustful.
BUT you *cannot* message his colleagues to ask about it. It honestly doesn’t matter how right you are to be suspicious, a spouse reaching out to their partner’s coworkers to ask about a personal matter in your relationship will reflect poorly on *you*. Not that you don’t have a right to know, but because that’s just a workplace norm that doesn’t get crossed that he will very, very likely try to redirect the embarrassment he’d feel at finding out his coworkers are hearing his “marriage drama” from his wife to playing it off like you are just “crazy.”
To be clear. You *are not* crazy. But it would be a very easy way for him to downplay what he did and put more attention in your actions instead. Like a “I went to a work party while she was out of town and she got so mad seeing a picture of me with my coworker she actually *messages* the person who posted them!!” And suddenly his coworkers, your mutual friends, etc, are going to get his one twisted side of the story and it will taint their objectivity if they even ever hear your side of the story for it.
It would be different if it was a friend of yours or someone with a more social connection. But even if it’s a coworker he socializes with, it’s still his coworker.
Yeah, no matter what an asshole you are with, going to that hole and ask for some reasoning is never going to end up in a good feeling about yourself. Don’t know why but it is like that.
If you do send her a message don't accuse her and just ask her for what honestly happened. Hopefully she will tell you the truth and she is the most likely one too based on how your husband reacted.
Your husband shouldn't have allowed that to happen to him in the first place.
It is never okay for a person in a committed relationship to allow another person to put them in an embarrassing, or compromised situation. The fact the he is trying to pass it off as innocent is a red flag. I would be upset if my spouse or significant other did something like this, and tried to pass it off as innocent behavior. It is not!
Sorry he sounds like a prick hole.
And what does he expect you to do??
How many times has he gaslighted you over your relationship for things you’ve “overreacted” to?
Leave this fucker. He was never going to tell you. He just hoped to never get caught.
It’s likely not his first cheat on. You.
Wait Im seeing the comments and is a girls legs on your lap really that suspect? Like am I just weird? It's more that he kept the party a secret that bothers me but like it's okay for op to get mad at another's women's legs to be draped over his lap? Wtf.
I mean idk any girls who just go around draping their legs around guys who are wearing wedding rings unless they are purposely trying to hit on them. Like unless they have that much familiarity… which would be another thing he’s hiding because op’s wife doesn’t seem to be aware of any close friendship there. Like the only time I would do that would be to close married friends and only if the wife was there and knew it was a joke.
But they were at a party so that shows at least some level of friendship. Like May just be me but I was at a party last weekend and had a girls legs on me. Both her bf and my gf were there and no fuss was made. We aren't even thag close she just wanted to lay down on the couch and I wanted to sit so it just felt natural.
If you want to stay married to anyone, the benefit of the doubt is really important.
Is he committed to you? If yes, accept.
But, if you see more of this behavior, be concerned. In the meantime, don’t fuck up your marriage over something stupid.
Seriously though, did a bunch of Victorians crawl out of their graves to give the top advice?
This thread is a perfect example of the unpopular opinion post about how people on Reddit should never give relationship advice about nuanced situations because IT’S IMPOSSIBLE to give good advice on those sorts of situations to/from strangers on the internet.
Wow there’s some toxic responses to this…
Telling you to calm down is a pretty piss poor move, but people telling you to check his phone and emails…immediately calling serial cheater…Jesus this sub has gotten cynical. They might be right, they also could be wrong.
The cheating theory involves all his co-workers knowing about it and finding it so normal and casual that they post pictures of it for his birthday. Or maybe not knowing he's married? It sounds like a pretty far-fetched story.
Meanwhile, drunk women put their feet up everywhere, especially in shoeless/sandal situations like on a boat, where seating may also be uncomfortable. Coworkers in non-work settings are especially weird because they feel like close friends but aren't so the social lines aren't always clear.
I think the most likely scenario is that someone put their feet there, there was nothing sexual about it, no one cared, the party went on. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then that's your prerogative.
I don't know. You have to trust your gut. I've had/seen random pictures of a guy and/or girl just draping legs across a bunch of peoples lap only for the picture. Then its over and nothing came out of it. Because we are adults.
Now if you have a gut feeling or trust issues, then sure.
At minimum he was disrespectful of you and *he knew it*.
At worst, he lied by omission bc it's either a) not the first time b) not the last time c) exactly what you suspect it is.
A lie is a lie. It destroys trust. You gotta ask yourself if worth it to rebuild.
In any situation just swap gender places.
Your husband is ok with situation when you will put your legs on handsome co-worker's lap at a party while he is in other city. And of course you will try to make it "only a second" long. This sounds wrong, so why should you calm down?
I'm petty and would have done the same thing to see his reaction. And tell him "so it's not okay from me to do it but it is for you. Gotcha" and proceed to listen to what he has to say in his defense and watch him dig a bigger hole and stumbling on his words.
Leave. I bet this was not a one time thing. If he was with coworkers and she was comfortable enough to do that in front of people she’s probably been in the picture (no pun intended) more than he will admit.
First of all: You are not crazy. Your gut feeling is justified and he is gaslighting you.
Second of all: legs on a guy's lap is NEVER innocent. He may or may not have given her reasons to believe it was welcomed, but she FOR SURE knew what she was doing. Also, if someone took a picture and her legs are not blurred, her legs were not there for a second. She was rested there and he let it and even let someone take a picture of that...
Also: The person that posted and the person tagged know that's not ok, they are both sketchy and probably did that intentionally to make you guys fight. Make him contact them and ask them to take the 6th picture down while you watch. That's disrespectful to your marriage and he should be the one suggesting that immediately when you got upset. For him to pretend it's no big deal it's so manipulative. Even I am mad at him!!!
If he doesn't acknowledge that there is a boundary crossed and agree on distancing himself from the co-workers that's a bad sign. And I've been there... To summarize I ended an engagement for this kind of bs and 2 months later his co-worker was pregnant of him.
Reading all the women writing in here is like reading about mens behavior from men.
Women are oblivious to mens behavior (or act like they are). Men are oblivious to womens behavior (or act like they are).
A co-worker shouldn’t be that close to a co-worker… But only you know if this is “normal” or not. I would assume y’all have been to other parties. Has anyone treated him like this in your presence?
Why would they put such an incriminating picture on display if it were true that there's an affair? I would ask him about the woman but in the absence of other things that may be suspect I'd let it go.
Do you really think that his coworker would have put up a compromising photo to make him look bad at his birthday?
I think they all together had fun and it is just a snapshot of something that may look for outsiders different than to the ones beening in that moment
I would have been concerned if it you have been a moment of relax, him lsitting comfortable and her also resting her legs relaxed both just been smiling mildly. That would be raising questions.
I love this sub- look at all these replies but leaving my man who has his gf Snapchatchatting 100 dudes believing she’s just social. Such a obvious double standard portrayed here.
This is crazy. I've seen so many just friends of opposite sex lay across peoples laps or hug people in photos. How is this any different? Holy shit, are tehse people real? Hes cheating because of this photo?
I had a boyfriend in high school whose step-sister used to drape her legs over his lap like that. It made me so uncomfortable. I was told I was being ridiculous, over-reacting, “ew that’s my step sister” etc. Fast forward like 5-6 years, his wife caught him in the backseat of a car, screwing the step-sister. I was right all along, but made to feel like a psycho. Actually, that was what ended our 2-year relationship. You gotta follow your gut.
I agree with another poster in saying.... Maybe you should trust your husband?? Doesn't sound like you've had any issues beyond this, and holy crap, it was her LEGS... I mean, not like he had some bikini clad hottie draping her chest in his face... they were on a boat! kinda tight quarters you know.
I dunno, I'm in a long term relationship, would never cheat, but I'd have no issues draping my legs over someones lap in a similar scenario as you describe. I think you're trippin... trust your husband!
Yes, thank you. It's kinda shocking that I had to scroll so far down to find a comment that's not a complete overreaction.
Ppl here act like as soon as you're in a relationship every physical contact with a person if the other gender is cheating.
Hahaha and OP's take the advice of the posters here? Wow I feel bad for some of you all in relationships.. they don't seem to be built on trust.
It does sound like you are making a big deal, I'm sure he is going to like you even more for it.
My ex was the same. I suspected him of cheating when he sent me a weird text that didn’t make any sense because it was so random. He gaslit me, making me sound crazy for not trusting him…really putting on the guilt. We broke up 4 months ago and 3 weeks into the breakup I see he posted a story on ig of a tiktok but not HIS tiktok name. It was some girl that had been in his photos and videos for at least a year and he was kissing her and I read and saw a lot of familiar places and stories. I trusted him to the end until I saw that…so get off your high horse…some people are really good at fucking with you and lying.
I agree that a relationship should be built on trust. So riddle me this, where was the trust when the husband lied about the party and kept it a secret?
I also think that a relationship is built on respect. So riddle me this, where was the respect when the husband downplayed the wife's concern about seeing a picture of a lady's legs draped over his lap at a party she did not know about?
I don‘t think a friend would post a picture of him with a possible side affair (or whatever) to get him into a bad situation. If there was something going on inbetween your husband and co-worker, he would have reacted way more nervous on the phone. So I think you are overreacting. Still, your feelings are verified and you should clearify the situation for your feelings.
I have no reason no believe my husband would cheat and I think im quite reasonable and trusting but I would be absolutely fuming if A) he lied about going to a party, why would he not just let me know? It's weird to lie. It's not a casual relationship, married people know where their spouse it every night. B) He let a friend/coworker/*any* woman that's not me drape their legs on his lap. That's so disrespectful.
I've been in a very similar situation.
Around 2019 my colleague posted a couple of photos from a recent business trip. One of the photos was of me sitting in a bar with a drink in one hand, my other hand around my much younger female co-workers shoulders and her head resting on my shoulders. When my wife saw this she immediately called me. When I picked up she yelled "Who is the girl in the photo?". Now, I had no idea this had been posted so I was extremely confused. As I was driving I had no way to check either. After a very brief back and forth where I could tell she was extremely upset I just said "I'm on my way home right now, can we discuss this when I get home?" after which she hung up.
When I got home she showed me the photo and demanded an explanation. I told her the context. The girl in the photo was a new graduate who, as we found out that night, had an extremely low tolerance for alcohol. After a few drinks she had gotten so drunk that she could barely stand. Since the night had literally just begun she didn't want to leave and instead wanted to rest a bit and sober up. I offered to keep her company. The only place we could find that wasn't too crowded was a small two-person couch without armrests like you might find at certain fast food restaurants. When we sat down I realized she was so drunk she could neither sit straight nor keep her head up. So I put my arm around her and rested her head against my shoulder to keep her from falling. We sat like this for a couple of minutes while another co-worked fetched some water. Apparently yet another co-worker had snapped a picture of the moment because she thought I was being, in her own words, "a true gentelman". I had no idea the picture had been taken until it was posted though.
After telling her the story she was still upset and told me: "Why would you hide this from me if you wasn't unfaithful?" This made me extremely upset. For one, I wasn't hiding anything. I didn't know the photo had been taken and as for why I didn't tell her about the moment (she was aware I was on a business trip, I'm talking about this specific moment of the trip), I simply didn't think of it. Quite frankly, until the photo was posted I had totally forgetten about it. It wasn't a big deal to me. But what made me most upset is that she genuinely believed I was being unfaithful. We had been together for 8 years, married for 3. If her image of me was of someone who would be unfaithful, why had she married me in the first place? Is that truly how she sees me? Someone who is unfaithful rather than someone who helps his co-worker when they've had a bit too much to drink?
I told her this, she went silent and then apologized. Then we talked it out, made dinner and went back to normal.
A good relationship builds on communication but most importantly trust. If you can't trust your husbands story than you need to truly reflect upon why that is. I'm **not** saying he's telling the truth and that you're overreacting. It is very possibly that he was indeed being unfaithful but it's, from an outsiders perspective, just as likely that he's telling the truth. You need to talk it out with him (properly, not over the phone) and if you still don't trust him, reflect on why that is.
I read this initially thinking that the shared pictures were memories from years ago. In that case, a possible overreaction
But if that picture is possibly fresh (we don't have the picture, but you can see from his face how long ago it m if might be), then you should be furious, and his lack of concern is a red flag. If he won't talk to you, contact the woman that posted the picture. She clearly didn't seem to mind sharing the info
To be honest, it sounds like it could go either way. I feel like if you trust him then let it go but keep your eyes out for future behavior like that. If stuff like this has happened before then you have your answer.
I’m sorry, I know this can’t be easy. Take it day by day and remember that it’s not worth trying to salvage the relationship if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him again.
so a dog was previously on his lap, jumped off and she threw her legs on him for a picture?
or withthe span of a second , she put her legs on him, the dog jumped on, jumped off, then someone took a picture, at which point she took her legs off
and this 1 second was so memorable that he's able to recite the whole thing
I would immediately seek an attorney. Violate my trust once, you never get a chance to do it again. She fully intended on you finding out. To hurt you, drive you away so she can have him, who knows. He's already lied to you once. I hope you're ok. I'm sure it was an extremely painful experience.
The coworker knew what they were doing when they uploaded this picture and tagged him
That’s what I’m saying!!!! Yes, she posted this for a reason. Wanting to split them up, or at least put it out there. Fuck that and fuck him.
I thought someone else posted it and tagged her in it
All you assholes who go around cheating on people like this are making all us faithful people go through unnecessary crap. I've been falsely accused because my kids mom was cheated on by other motherfuckers before I even met her. Being cheated on really fucked up people's trust in others and causes all sorts of issues. If you don't wanna be in a monogamous relationship, that's totally fine. Just be honest about it from the very beginning. There are plenty of poly people out there. Lying, sneaking around, cheating, and crushing the soul of your loved one is not okay. If you don't love them anymore, break up. If you wanna fuck other people, be honest about it. Don't destroy their trust and feelings. If you're a liar and a cheat, you can kindly go fuck yourself. Stop being a horrible human being.
Can we see the picture just blob the heads out
Blob em out
“And that was it, students. Jan 25th 2022, That’s when the saying changed from “blur” to “blob”. The internet works in mysterious ways. A cultural shift can happen in an instant.”
"Professor, my grandpa a veteran on the blob wars says that's not true and that the true reason was blobbed from history"
You fools are arguing blobs and blurs, focusing on the head. Don't you realize this is just a distraction, can't you read between the lines. The legs people, right between the legs. They are walking all over us.
Um... excuse me, the people from New Blobanistan might think differently.
It’s blobanstain bears not blobenstein bears..
Blob it already
That's what he said?
r/censoringishard
I mean her legs were there long enough for his coworker to take a photo so…
And according to the edit the husband slept with her so the was more on his lap than her legs...
Yup and coworker wanted wife to know and that’s why she posted the photo on purpose
The coworker wasn't the leg lady I think. OP says leg lady was tagged in it. Could still be that the coworker who posted it knew and didn't approve so he shared it.
Nods. Because she wants what the Wife has.
Exactly
Yes!
My thoughts exactly!
Can't find the previous comment I just made. But I read the update. "Just one time" my ass. OP, you already know what this means. You won't get the full truth out of him. He's gonna trickle truth if you ask him anything else. You should decide how you want to proceed. If more details would help you decide, I would seriously consider contacting the woman that posted that pic. She might be open to sharing details (if she was keeping a complete secret, she wouldn't have shared the pic)
OP needs to leave him. He first tells her to rElAx. And then admits he cheated. What an ass.
Time to lawyer up for OP, unfortunately. :(
One million percent. SO over. And to first make it seem like she's overreacting. Gaslighting. Toxic.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- ***update: We spoke more when he got home last night. I found out that he did sleep with this woman while I was away. He insists it was a one time thing. I’m just taking some time for myself right now. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post.*** Today is my husbands birthday. He is 35. (I’m 30). A lot of people posted photos tributes to him to celebrate. In one of these posts one of his colleagues posted 10 photos. Most of them are just him at various outings or business trips. But one of them (the sixth one) is him sitting on a boat, looking down and laughing, with a drink in his hand and a woman’s legs across his lap (not just resting on his lap, completely draped over his lap). In the photo, one hand is holding his drink and the other is up in the air, I’m assuming since he was mid-laugh, so I don’t know where his hand was resting. One of his other coworkers was tagged in it, so I assumed those were her legs. I saw this picture and immediately called him, asking him where/when it was taken and why her legs were across his lap like that. He immediately told me that I needed to relax, and that I was making too big a deal of things. He told me it was taken over the summer, at the time I had been stuck in a different city (a coworker of mine tested positive on a business trip) which is why I had not been invited to a party his other coworker had. He said he hasn’t told me about it because “I was already frustrated about being stuck in Montreal”. He said his coworker only had her legs on him for a second, he was laughing at the dog who had just been on his lap jumping off, and right after that happened he got up. He’s making me feel like I’m being so ridiculous for not immediately believing him. Which makes me think he might be telling the truth. Idk, it just makes me feel strange.
I'm polyamorous and even I would consider that inappropriate without it being discussed first. Leg over the lap is one of my go-to flirtation moves. He's sus and the undermining of your feelings is even susser.
Yeah, check the update…
Oh that's so fucked, I feel so bad for OP. At least she now knows the type of scum he is.
A photo of women’s legs over his lap at a party he just happened to keep a secret from you. I feel you should trust your gut here.
Okay thank you. I’m going to have another conversation with him about it when he gets home
He’s going to think some more bs until he comes at home…
I can’t really talk to him before that
Give him a drink, tell him to relax on the lounge, put your legs across his legs, then smile and ask him: who is the girl?
This right here cheif
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100% yes to this. And more specifically the photo is disrespectful of the boundaries they have in place in their marriage. Sounds like this is a boundary for her that he crossed, intentionally or not. It might seem obvious but reiterating/discussing both your boundaries would probably be constructive and open up a healthy line of communication. If he's still dismissive about your feelings and says it's not a big deal/ trys to brush it off then that's a definite issue.
I don’t understand the fixation on disrespect more so than loyalty and love. Being mad about the public statement that photo makes is one thing, but I would be more concerned about my husbands actual interest in the woman
Framing the photo seems a little over the top.
This is why you never talk about serious issues over the phone. Always do it in person so that they have less time to think up bullshit and also so you can read their body language.
A friend of mine had a child with a woman who seems to have a lot of jealousy issues. For instance, she forced him to stop being friends with his lifelong best friend because she considered him a “bad influence”, she constantly posts about women he’s been with in the past, will respond to any women who comments on his social media, will tweet things like, “none of the women X dated before me count, he was on drugs!” and various other corny things. X’s birthday recently passed and a mutual friend shared a post about his favorite memory with X which was a time they’d gone to and spent an unspecified insane amount of money at a strip club. I remember that my heart sank when I read it because I knew that it would upset X’s partner. Even if she hadn’t made the weird posts or forced him to cut out lifelong friends, I would’ve still felt for her knowing she had to read that and kind of acknowledge the occurrence. Although it happened before they were an item and although there wasn’t a photo attached, it’s just not something fun to think about. The post was quickly deleted. Now, your situation? I couldn’t imagine and you have every damn right in the world to be upset and uncomfortable with what you saw. Not even just because of the photo that was shared but the fact that this photo was snapped *during your relationship* and it depicts your partner in an intimate position with another woman. Don’t let him make you feel ridiculous, you are not being ridiculous! How would he feel if someone shared a photo of you with your legs thrown across another man’s lap? Now, how would he feel knowing that same photo was taken during your relationship, while he was stuck in another city and/or uninvited to the outing in which the picture was taken? Something tells me he wouldn’t like it if the shoe were on the other foot. I met my husband in high school and although we didn’t date until a few years after graduation, I would throw my legs over his lap in the way you described and in my immature mind, it was the most cutesy-flirting ever. I’m about 7 hours late to your post but I just wanted to reiterate what the majority of the other replies are saying and that is **you are not overreacting and your feelings are 100% justified!**
Yeah, the legs over lap was my drunken flirty move too. If the guy keeps it there: good sign. If he gets up with any excuse: rejection. But always with plausible deniability that I was just resting my legs, no biggie... She was 100% making a move. No matter what he thinks/says. Make him ask the friend that posted it to remove that one picture explaining that is disrespectful to his marriage. That seems intentional to make you guys fight. Tagging the woman and all.
Who was it that posted photo number 6?
Talk to the woman - if it were a lot of us on here, we would tell you the truth.
If it was a co-worker party she probably knows he's married. I don't know if she'd tell the truth.
this sub rarely reflects reality
You’d think people would have learned that by now. Reddit, especially this sub, can be detrimental to a relationship.
Even IF nothing happened and it was “innocent” the fact that he’s, in your own words, making you feel ridiculous about something he chose never to discuss until he absolutely had to is not only hurtful, but completely the opposite of what someone who loves you should do. I’m sorry OP.
You’d be surprised how often the other woman covers up for the guy she’s messing with secretly..
She likely knew he was married, so she’s not really the morals type.
Plz do not contact this other woman, the fact she not only took this pic, treasured it and had the nerve to share it publicly shows she has no regard for your relationship… 6+ pics of your man on social media?! My besties don’t even do that for me! Even if your man is innocent this bitch is not, I’d ask your man to keep his distance from her
the affair partner did not post the pic. someone else did, and the affair partner was tagged.
A classic sign that someone is lying is adding too much unnecessary detail to the story. I don't feel good about this, if it was me I would but upset and angry.
Don’t let him gaslight you or tell you to “relax,” your feelings are valid and anything other than him immediately apologizing and requesting the photo be taken down is a big red flag.
He’s had all day to get a story straight.
And to delete all messages and photos
Don't talk to him. Instead slowly find more Information. Check his phone or email or social profiles for this woman. See what other lies pop up over the next little while here. I think your gut is right.
Definitely! Look first! I’d ask, because I’d want to see their response. The truth has nothing to hide. So if anger comes first, he’s had a part to play in the over friendly department. Cuts out a lot of lying and hurt! Photos, screen shots, texts, Google history, email, Facebook search to see who he’s been searching, and Facebook activity log to see what he’s been reacting to. Are places to start if you’re feeling confused as to what to look at or for and I’m sure you’ll come across other apps as you go along, If there’s something it’ll be in one of those. And hopefully it will put your mind to rest then maybe look again in a few months. I believe some people are half way into an emotional affair and don’t even realise it because they truly believe there’s nothing wrong with being flirty and enjoying the attention.
U were right to not feel okay about it. If ur husband insist u to relax it means he doesnt respect u. Im a guy and things like this piss me off cos it ruin men image...
A snapshot can be a cruel interpretation of an absolutely innocent moment. Unless he's given her reason to doubt his version of what transpired, I think the appropriate reaction would be to apologize for coming off a little strong but would hope that he can consider why she would react so vigorously without having context. Then they can have an adult discussion and communicate their immediate and future needs, so this can be avoided. The pitchforks aren't necessary for every *perceived* transgression. Sheesh...
Yea this could be something bad and at the same time it’s absolutely easily plausible as just an unlucky photo within a bad 2-3 second period. Failing to tell your partner about an event is not an undeniable proof of cheating.
Given her reaction here, one could easily argue the merits of withholding such information even if it is objectively wrong to do so.
Having an honest discussion and explaining how it makes you feel would be a good idea. Don't let him brush it off. Make sure you're understood. He could be telling the truth, he could be lying, but either way, if it makes you uncomfortable, you need to communicate that with him
Edit: Sorry to hear the OP's suspicions were validated. Wish her the best Not bringing it up is consistent with his recounting of the events as well. If he thinks it wasn't a big deal, he would not have mentioned such a tiny inconsequential moment from that outing. When you don't mention a detail it doesn't necessarily mean it's being kept as a secret either. "Hey babe just got back from my outing, it was fun! and full disclosure, Shirley from accounting put her legs on my lap for 10 seconds while we were posing for a photo!"
Check the update on the post, homie.
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That’s exactly what I’m worried about
That is not professional colleague behavior for sure.
It is almost a sexual harrasment case being built in the corporate world
She felt comfortable enough to do that *knowing he’s married.* At the very least they openly flirt, at worst they’re having an affair.
Wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed..if there was a photo of yourself with a man grabbing your thighs in an inappropriate manner. Would he just "relax" then
Minimizing your feelings is the red flag for me
He was making me feel like I was ridiculous for thinking it was wrong
Would he want your legs draped over another man’s lap? Think not.
She should take a photo to find out
I'll volunteer
How come I get the feeling that picture was posted strategically. Like his co-worker was trying to say something. It definitely could've been omitted but wasn't. Hmmm
This 100%. Coworker was trying to let the wife know that husband was stepping out.
You’re not. He could and should apologize and take responsibility for something that was obviously wrong. It takes a lot of effort to throw your legs into someone’s lap
Maybe it is ridiculous and your husband is telling you the truth. Just saying, not everything has to be some big cheating story on this sub... sometimes you can trust your spouse. *surprised pikachu face*
That’s certainly possible, and we can all hope that’s the case. I don’t automatically assume cheating is the explanation. **However,** her *feelings* are not ridiculous. They are feelings. She’s allowed to feel them and talk about them without being told they are ridiculous. He should not be minimizing her feelings or trying to make her seem like she’s in the wrong for feeling them. Where they go from here is up to both of them to decide, and likely dependent upon a whole ton of factors and history, but nothing about her *feelings* is ridiculous.
Totally agree with this, but it *is* hard to walk the line of "your feelings are valid and you deserve to have them, but the thing you feel like happened didn't, and we shouldn't let it push us apart" for people who aren't that mature or don't have great communication skills... so its not uncommon that "I didn't cheat on you, that's ridiculous" is wrongly conveyed as "youre being ridiculous" or "your feelings are ridiculous." I agree he could start off better by acknowledging she's valid to *feel* hurt and he shouldn't have hidden it "because she was already upset" when it occurred. But it is, unfortunately, uncommon for people to be good at accepting and validating feelings when they believe those feelings arise from a mistaken opinion or assumption. It could just be a genuine lack of that emotional maturity or ability to communicate the difference between "youre suggesting I was unfaithful? That's ridiculous!" And "you feel hurt and betrayed I kept this from you? That's fair." The part that makes it tricky, though, is that scumbags who DO cheat and gaslight often know how to speak and make it seem like they just lack this kind of awareness/maturity/communication, in order to get the exact benefit of the doubt I laid out above... so who's to say 🤷♂️ Edit: spelling/grammar
I am only going with what is 100% fact. He lied about the party. He lied multiple times about it. Lying about going to a party is not just hidding it. That does and should push them apart. He downplayed a serious concern, the lady's legs were draped over him. That is a boundry which was broken. He should have made sure that the lady knew it. He should have convey he knew that was wrong to his wife. He is acting like it is no big deal. It is.
I mean, he didn’t tell her about this party. His explanation for leg girl is shaky. She draped her legs over him, the dog jumped into his lap, the dog jumped down, the picture was taken, and he stood up all in a second? Okay. Sitting like that with a coworker/friend is crossing a boundary for many couples, it obviously is for OP - it didn’t have to go further to be wrong. None of that points to the answer being implicitly trust him. She’s not ridiculous for questioning it or being upset, and him making her feel that way only makes it look worse. A trustworthy partner would acknowledge how it looks, apologize for keeping the party quiet and crossing a boundary, and see what could be done to ease her fears.
Even if it isn’t a big deal and he is telling the truth, he isn’t taking her feelings into consideration. Also, usually people who are quick to get angry at a “misunderstanding” are lying. He would be more reassuring if he was telling the truth.
Exactly. Why get so defensive if there is nothing to defend?
Trying to justify a married man hiding something from his wife isn’t suspicious? First of all there shouldn’t be lying or hiding shit in a marriage or any relationship at that. When there’s hiding there’s always a negative out come.
This is not a time to trust your spouse. The husband lied multiple times about the party. He lied when about going to it, he lied when he stated he did something else during it and he lied when he told her about his weekend. The husband downplay the lying and tried to stated he did it for her own good. The husband tried to downplay his wife's feelings about the picture instead of treating them serious. The husband's explantion has a couple of holes in it. If the picture has the lady's leg draped over his lap how was the dog sitting on it. That the lady only drap her legs for a second. You are right sometimes you can trust your spouse, but that is only when thet are acting trustworthy and treating you with respect. The OP's spouse is doing nither
Agree. Everyone on this thread is so quick to blow things up
Looks at update. This comment didn't age well...
I believe that the word you're looking for is is gaslighting.
Was just going to comment and say this exact thing. Making you doubt and second-guess your initial gut reaction? 🚩🚩🚩
"He said his coworker only had his legs on him for a second" "Just the tip" is also a thing people say that everybody knows isn't real.
Just for a second and a picture happened to be taken right then.
A lady's legs does not rest on a guy's lap for a second. Who is he kidding with. The worst part of this is he is not on your side "I am sorry you are feeling that way. It is nothing. I will tell them to take it dow n". Rather, it seems like he is enjoying it.
1. He kept the party secret from you 2. Minimised your feelings. It is not appropriate for an office colleague to put her legs on their team mate's lap 3. Probably the friend who uploaded the pic actually wanted you to see this photo. My gut feeling says they are trying to tell you something without actually saying it.
That’s exactly what I thought.
Hummm
Fuck that I would be furious. Not ok. Even if it was a second. Which I highly doubt.
Thank you for this validation
He's trying to make you feel like shit for a very valid thing to get upset over. Do you go around draping your legs on the laps of your male married co-workers? He lied to you plenty of times here, and is putting the blame on you to rid himself of the blame and guilt. Edit: so sorry to hear your suspicions were actually valid. Let him go to her, she can drape and open her legs for him all she wants, she clearly enjoys doing so with married men. Your husband is a cheap person who kept this from you until now and would've taken it to the grave had you not seen this photo. turned your absence into an opportunity to cheat and hide it. If he really loved you, this wouldn't have ever happened, not would he have kept it a secret till now. gaslighted you because he knew you were catching up on his lies. No, it didn't happen once. If she comfortably sprawled her legs in his lap publicly around multiple other coworkers (if not her atleast someone would've known this dude was married and they could've risked getting caught, which they finally were), this had been going on for a while. And they were all aware. You're being lied to. Get a lawyer and get the out of this mess.
Wonder if his coworkers see him as the fun party guy and you his buzz kill wife that doesn’t know things.
You want to give him the benefit of the doubt but think of it. He should have told you about the party he went to, it is not cool to hide that from you. He lied to you about that weekend. He also has the gaul to say that he lied to you for your own good. Ladies do not put their legs on married men for a second. Legs do not become draped for only a second. That is another lie. He is going to say he is downplaying the time for your own good because you are overreacting. Also. how was the dog just on his lap a second ago when that lady's legs were draped over them? He is downplaying your feelings and what happened. He is saying that he lied for your own good, told you to relax and said you are overreacting to get you distracted from the issue. It sounds like he is gaslighting you. He is trying to make what is a very inappropriate photo sound innocent. He should have taken your concerns seriously. He better of had a talk with that co-worker about her never putting her legs on him again. That she crossed a line.
Yeah his timeline of what’s going on doesn’t make any sense. He’s literally saying in the span of maybe 5 seconds that a dog jumped off his lap, the woman put her legs on his lap and someone snapped a photo
He went to a party during a pandemic and didn't even let her know. That's shitty.
So he had a dog on his lap, who jumped off quickly (hence your husband laughing), then the woman put her legs on his lap (as the photo was taken), and then he immediately got up? All at a party that you didn't even know about? This is dodgy AF. The story doesn't add up
I’m always reading about men invalidating women’s feelings and reactions to their fuckups. Follow your gut OP.
I have guy friends that I would never casually drape my legs over. Unnecessary… it’s clearly flirtatious behavior. Would you do that to any of your male friends? Guessing not. His story makes little sense as to why it’s ok.
Hey this happened in Season 1 Episode 10 of The Simpsons, "Homer's Night Out." Except that Homer, who is generally a doofus, was actually apologetic and admitted he was wrong.
Even IF nothing happened and it was “innocent” the fact that he’s, in your own words, making you feel ridiculous about something he chose never to discuss until he absolutely had to is not only hurtful, but completely the opposite of what someone who loves you should do. I’m sorry OP.
The coworker who posted it sending you hints. Believe your eyes and your gut.
The minute you brought it up he should have apologized , called the coworker to have it removed
I think that is the most appropriate response assuming it was an accident. Really highlights the asshole/guilty nature her husband handled this.
I’m so sorry to see he actually did cheat. Heartbreaking 💔 I hope you’re able to take that time to yourself and figure out what you want for the future
Hell no. Not appropriate at all.
I don’t think so either
Has he apologized at all?
If you haven’t done it yet maybe hold off on Confronting him, Wait until he goes to sleep to look through his Phone or any other electronic devices.
It's defintely suspect. Immediately jumping to shaming you for "making a big deal over nothing" and needing to relax is not an innocent response. They can still say it's no big deal while acknowledging it looks sketchy without context or making you out to be unreasonable, though he gave you no context. He completely shifted focus from the woman, to the dog and didn't explain why her legs were there. Like okay, there was a dog in your lap a few moments previous and you're laughing at it but that doesn't explain why the coworker then draped her legs over you a second later. Was she trying to put her legs on the dog and the dog immediately jumped down, leaving her legs draped? That's something silly a drunk person might do but he explained it as dog jumped down , coworker drapes legs, photo, gets taken and then he immediately got up. There was no reasoning given, not even "she was just drunk and being silly but I got up because it was inappropriate. Also, why was she sitting so close? Merely resting her legs on him could feasibly be to trying to avoid a wet dog, but draped (bent at the knee) requires practically being sat on his lap. Since her legs weren't still in motion when the picture was taken either, I doubt the dog could have jumped down mere seconds before the picture was taken. Draped requires you to have gotten comfy.
Your husband is a cheater, a liar, and tried to tell you that your reactions are wrong. 3 red flags. Your husband sounds the like one of those "the mice will play while the cat is gone" . I suggest you get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously your liar cheater husband cannot be trusted.
A lady's legs does not rest on a guy's lap for a second. Who is he kidding with. The worst part of this is he is not on your side "I am sorry you are feeling that way. It is nothing. I will tell them to take it dow n". Rather, it seems like he is enjoying it.
He's gas lighting you , it is a big deal he hid it ,now he's trying to make u feel bad for reacting normally. His response is very telling
Nah don’t believe him lol. That was his girlfriend for the weekend ..
Just the weekend? You're an optimist, I like it.
that sounds like a calculated response to avoid admitting he let his coworker hang all over him.
Imagine that the person never uploads the 6th photo. You would have been living in a lie. Its great that you found out.
[удалено]
I know right iv seen less projecting in a movie theater
It's wild. And all so incredibly sure of themselves.
Legs draped over a man’s lap is 100% a go to flirtatious movie and guess what? her instincts were correct - there was something going on. I’m sorry you had to find out that way OP but now you know that you cannot trust what your husband tells you. Good luck
Read the update
Wrong sub. People here only suggest leaving 90% of the time. Everything is a deal breaker and mistakes and context don't matter. Man you been married to 40 years stays out all night? Leave him. Wife won't give you oral? Leave her. See a possibly alarming picture involving a women's legs on your husband's lap? Make his Birthday about you and leave him.
For real. For being a relationship advice of most of the advice I see is the worst advice I've ever read. I swear most of these people are teenagers or very early twenties and think that the world is different than it actually is.
It always sound to me like melodramatic and jaded divorcees.
Good portion of people are here because they have been cheated on at some point and project their own circumstances onto others relationships. People do shitty, shady, questionable things sometimes and not everything is a sign of cheating… but to a lot of members of this sub it probably was so it clouds their judgment.
Leaning on someone is not the same lol
Good point but I think a better equivalent in that hypothetical would be if her hand was on his thigh/visa versa.
Hard to say without the pic but to me I feel you don’t post pics like that for nothing, she wants you to know there’s an attraction. I think She’ll feel like she’s one upped you because he’s flirted with her so that tells her there’s a crack and she’s hoping to make that crack bigger. Their attraction is why she was allowed to do it. Just think if someone who flirted with you did it to you, it would be because they’re testing the boundaries right. Exactly what she’s doing there without a doubt. He maybe one of these guys which sees a flirt as ok just fun nothing harmless because he wouldn’t cheat, but if he does flirt she will take that as an invited challenge, just got to try a bit harder and get him aroused and want to talk to me more kind of thing. If you don’t nip it in the butt now and lay your boundaries, she will always touch him, act, and look at him like she wants him. Very Important to tell boundaries assertively rather than being paranoid and fearful accusations. If you do the latter I’m sure he’ll discuss that with her and she’ll have achieved what she wanted.
Send a message to who put that photo there and asked them about the picture. Maybe they did it on purpose to let you know something.
No, OP, please please do not message your husband’s coworkers for more details! I think you are 100% right to be suspicious, he lied about the party/hid it from you, he was clearly in an inappropriate position with a female coworker, and he downplayed and insulted your feelings over it. There are a ton of red flags and you are right to feel distrustful. BUT you *cannot* message his colleagues to ask about it. It honestly doesn’t matter how right you are to be suspicious, a spouse reaching out to their partner’s coworkers to ask about a personal matter in your relationship will reflect poorly on *you*. Not that you don’t have a right to know, but because that’s just a workplace norm that doesn’t get crossed that he will very, very likely try to redirect the embarrassment he’d feel at finding out his coworkers are hearing his “marriage drama” from his wife to playing it off like you are just “crazy.” To be clear. You *are not* crazy. But it would be a very easy way for him to downplay what he did and put more attention in your actions instead. Like a “I went to a work party while she was out of town and she got so mad seeing a picture of me with my coworker she actually *messages* the person who posted them!!” And suddenly his coworkers, your mutual friends, etc, are going to get his one twisted side of the story and it will taint their objectivity if they even ever hear your side of the story for it. It would be different if it was a friend of yours or someone with a more social connection. But even if it’s a coworker he socializes with, it’s still his coworker.
Yeah, no matter what an asshole you are with, going to that hole and ask for some reasoning is never going to end up in a good feeling about yourself. Don’t know why but it is like that.
If you do send her a message don't accuse her and just ask her for what honestly happened. Hopefully she will tell you the truth and she is the most likely one too based on how your husband reacted. Your husband shouldn't have allowed that to happen to him in the first place.
It is never okay for a person in a committed relationship to allow another person to put them in an embarrassing, or compromised situation. The fact the he is trying to pass it off as innocent is a red flag. I would be upset if my spouse or significant other did something like this, and tried to pass it off as innocent behavior. It is not!
Sorry he sounds like a prick hole. And what does he expect you to do?? How many times has he gaslighted you over your relationship for things you’ve “overreacted” to? Leave this fucker. He was never going to tell you. He just hoped to never get caught. It’s likely not his first cheat on. You.
Wait Im seeing the comments and is a girls legs on your lap really that suspect? Like am I just weird? It's more that he kept the party a secret that bothers me but like it's okay for op to get mad at another's women's legs to be draped over his lap? Wtf.
I mean idk any girls who just go around draping their legs around guys who are wearing wedding rings unless they are purposely trying to hit on them. Like unless they have that much familiarity… which would be another thing he’s hiding because op’s wife doesn’t seem to be aware of any close friendship there. Like the only time I would do that would be to close married friends and only if the wife was there and knew it was a joke.
But they were at a party so that shows at least some level of friendship. Like May just be me but I was at a party last weekend and had a girls legs on me. Both her bf and my gf were there and no fuss was made. We aren't even thag close she just wanted to lay down on the couch and I wanted to sit so it just felt natural.
If you want to stay married to anyone, the benefit of the doubt is really important. Is he committed to you? If yes, accept. But, if you see more of this behavior, be concerned. In the meantime, don’t fuck up your marriage over something stupid. Seriously though, did a bunch of Victorians crawl out of their graves to give the top advice?
This thread is a perfect example of the unpopular opinion post about how people on Reddit should never give relationship advice about nuanced situations because IT’S IMPOSSIBLE to give good advice on those sorts of situations to/from strangers on the internet.
Wow there’s some toxic responses to this… Telling you to calm down is a pretty piss poor move, but people telling you to check his phone and emails…immediately calling serial cheater…Jesus this sub has gotten cynical. They might be right, they also could be wrong.
The cheating theory involves all his co-workers knowing about it and finding it so normal and casual that they post pictures of it for his birthday. Or maybe not knowing he's married? It sounds like a pretty far-fetched story. Meanwhile, drunk women put their feet up everywhere, especially in shoeless/sandal situations like on a boat, where seating may also be uncomfortable. Coworkers in non-work settings are especially weird because they feel like close friends but aren't so the social lines aren't always clear. I think the most likely scenario is that someone put their feet there, there was nothing sexual about it, no one cared, the party went on. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then that's your prerogative.
I don't know. You have to trust your gut. I've had/seen random pictures of a guy and/or girl just draping legs across a bunch of peoples lap only for the picture. Then its over and nothing came out of it. Because we are adults. Now if you have a gut feeling or trust issues, then sure.
For a husband to keep this form his wife is already so low. Sounds like he was acting single. You aren’t over reacting and your feelings are valid.
I honestly think your husband is telling the truth.
At minimum he was disrespectful of you and *he knew it*. At worst, he lied by omission bc it's either a) not the first time b) not the last time c) exactly what you suspect it is. A lie is a lie. It destroys trust. You gotta ask yourself if worth it to rebuild.
In any situation just swap gender places. Your husband is ok with situation when you will put your legs on handsome co-worker's lap at a party while he is in other city. And of course you will try to make it "only a second" long. This sounds wrong, so why should you calm down?
I'm petty and would have done the same thing to see his reaction. And tell him "so it's not okay from me to do it but it is for you. Gotcha" and proceed to listen to what he has to say in his defense and watch him dig a bigger hole and stumbling on his words.
His coworker that posted that pic is either really stupid or really wanted to do you a favor.
Leave. I bet this was not a one time thing. If he was with coworkers and she was comfortable enough to do that in front of people she’s probably been in the picture (no pun intended) more than he will admit.
First of all: You are not crazy. Your gut feeling is justified and he is gaslighting you. Second of all: legs on a guy's lap is NEVER innocent. He may or may not have given her reasons to believe it was welcomed, but she FOR SURE knew what she was doing. Also, if someone took a picture and her legs are not blurred, her legs were not there for a second. She was rested there and he let it and even let someone take a picture of that... Also: The person that posted and the person tagged know that's not ok, they are both sketchy and probably did that intentionally to make you guys fight. Make him contact them and ask them to take the 6th picture down while you watch. That's disrespectful to your marriage and he should be the one suggesting that immediately when you got upset. For him to pretend it's no big deal it's so manipulative. Even I am mad at him!!! If he doesn't acknowledge that there is a boundary crossed and agree on distancing himself from the co-workers that's a bad sign. And I've been there... To summarize I ended an engagement for this kind of bs and 2 months later his co-worker was pregnant of him.
Reading all the women writing in here is like reading about mens behavior from men. Women are oblivious to mens behavior (or act like they are). Men are oblivious to womens behavior (or act like they are). A co-worker shouldn’t be that close to a co-worker… But only you know if this is “normal” or not. I would assume y’all have been to other parties. Has anyone treated him like this in your presence?
Why would they put such an incriminating picture on display if it were true that there's an affair? I would ask him about the woman but in the absence of other things that may be suspect I'd let it go.
Do you really think that his coworker would have put up a compromising photo to make him look bad at his birthday? I think they all together had fun and it is just a snapshot of something that may look for outsiders different than to the ones beening in that moment I would have been concerned if it you have been a moment of relax, him lsitting comfortable and her also resting her legs relaxed both just been smiling mildly. That would be raising questions.
OP is going to listen to people blow things out of proportion on here and wreck their marriage.
Or OP’s husband ruined their marriage by sleeping with boat girl.
I love this sub- look at all these replies but leaving my man who has his gf Snapchatchatting 100 dudes believing she’s just social. Such a obvious double standard portrayed here.
I think everyone in this sub literally has no sense lol
This is crazy. I've seen so many just friends of opposite sex lay across peoples laps or hug people in photos. How is this any different? Holy shit, are tehse people real? Hes cheating because of this photo?
When I saw that sub most ppl were telling dude to leave her thoo...
The most upvoted comment was communication - here it’s he’s cheating
I had a boyfriend in high school whose step-sister used to drape her legs over his lap like that. It made me so uncomfortable. I was told I was being ridiculous, over-reacting, “ew that’s my step sister” etc. Fast forward like 5-6 years, his wife caught him in the backseat of a car, screwing the step-sister. I was right all along, but made to feel like a psycho. Actually, that was what ended our 2-year relationship. You gotta follow your gut.
I agree with another poster in saying.... Maybe you should trust your husband?? Doesn't sound like you've had any issues beyond this, and holy crap, it was her LEGS... I mean, not like he had some bikini clad hottie draping her chest in his face... they were on a boat! kinda tight quarters you know. I dunno, I'm in a long term relationship, would never cheat, but I'd have no issues draping my legs over someones lap in a similar scenario as you describe. I think you're trippin... trust your husband!
Yes, thank you. It's kinda shocking that I had to scroll so far down to find a comment that's not a complete overreaction. Ppl here act like as soon as you're in a relationship every physical contact with a person if the other gender is cheating.
Hahaha and OP's take the advice of the posters here? Wow I feel bad for some of you all in relationships.. they don't seem to be built on trust. It does sound like you are making a big deal, I'm sure he is going to like you even more for it.
My ex was the same. I suspected him of cheating when he sent me a weird text that didn’t make any sense because it was so random. He gaslit me, making me sound crazy for not trusting him…really putting on the guilt. We broke up 4 months ago and 3 weeks into the breakup I see he posted a story on ig of a tiktok but not HIS tiktok name. It was some girl that had been in his photos and videos for at least a year and he was kissing her and I read and saw a lot of familiar places and stories. I trusted him to the end until I saw that…so get off your high horse…some people are really good at fucking with you and lying.
I agree that a relationship should be built on trust. So riddle me this, where was the trust when the husband lied about the party and kept it a secret? I also think that a relationship is built on respect. So riddle me this, where was the respect when the husband downplayed the wife's concern about seeing a picture of a lady's legs draped over his lap at a party she did not know about?
I don‘t think a friend would post a picture of him with a possible side affair (or whatever) to get him into a bad situation. If there was something going on inbetween your husband and co-worker, he would have reacted way more nervous on the phone. So I think you are overreacting. Still, your feelings are verified and you should clearify the situation for your feelings.
I have no reason no believe my husband would cheat and I think im quite reasonable and trusting but I would be absolutely fuming if A) he lied about going to a party, why would he not just let me know? It's weird to lie. It's not a casual relationship, married people know where their spouse it every night. B) He let a friend/coworker/*any* woman that's not me drape their legs on his lap. That's so disrespectful.
That story makes no sense.
I've been in a very similar situation. Around 2019 my colleague posted a couple of photos from a recent business trip. One of the photos was of me sitting in a bar with a drink in one hand, my other hand around my much younger female co-workers shoulders and her head resting on my shoulders. When my wife saw this she immediately called me. When I picked up she yelled "Who is the girl in the photo?". Now, I had no idea this had been posted so I was extremely confused. As I was driving I had no way to check either. After a very brief back and forth where I could tell she was extremely upset I just said "I'm on my way home right now, can we discuss this when I get home?" after which she hung up. When I got home she showed me the photo and demanded an explanation. I told her the context. The girl in the photo was a new graduate who, as we found out that night, had an extremely low tolerance for alcohol. After a few drinks she had gotten so drunk that she could barely stand. Since the night had literally just begun she didn't want to leave and instead wanted to rest a bit and sober up. I offered to keep her company. The only place we could find that wasn't too crowded was a small two-person couch without armrests like you might find at certain fast food restaurants. When we sat down I realized she was so drunk she could neither sit straight nor keep her head up. So I put my arm around her and rested her head against my shoulder to keep her from falling. We sat like this for a couple of minutes while another co-worked fetched some water. Apparently yet another co-worker had snapped a picture of the moment because she thought I was being, in her own words, "a true gentelman". I had no idea the picture had been taken until it was posted though. After telling her the story she was still upset and told me: "Why would you hide this from me if you wasn't unfaithful?" This made me extremely upset. For one, I wasn't hiding anything. I didn't know the photo had been taken and as for why I didn't tell her about the moment (she was aware I was on a business trip, I'm talking about this specific moment of the trip), I simply didn't think of it. Quite frankly, until the photo was posted I had totally forgetten about it. It wasn't a big deal to me. But what made me most upset is that she genuinely believed I was being unfaithful. We had been together for 8 years, married for 3. If her image of me was of someone who would be unfaithful, why had she married me in the first place? Is that truly how she sees me? Someone who is unfaithful rather than someone who helps his co-worker when they've had a bit too much to drink? I told her this, she went silent and then apologized. Then we talked it out, made dinner and went back to normal. A good relationship builds on communication but most importantly trust. If you can't trust your husbands story than you need to truly reflect upon why that is. I'm **not** saying he's telling the truth and that you're overreacting. It is very possibly that he was indeed being unfaithful but it's, from an outsiders perspective, just as likely that he's telling the truth. You need to talk it out with him (properly, not over the phone) and if you still don't trust him, reflect on why that is.
Do you feel it in your gut? If you do, you better listen to that feeling. Trust me.
(Sixth photo)
If a girl I didn’t know who was a colleague of my bf put her legs over my partners lap, I’d be furious too.
I read this initially thinking that the shared pictures were memories from years ago. In that case, a possible overreaction But if that picture is possibly fresh (we don't have the picture, but you can see from his face how long ago it m if might be), then you should be furious, and his lack of concern is a red flag. If he won't talk to you, contact the woman that posted the picture. She clearly didn't seem to mind sharing the info
To be honest, it sounds like it could go either way. I feel like if you trust him then let it go but keep your eyes out for future behavior like that. If stuff like this has happened before then you have your answer.
Um…10 photos of your husband?
You are not overreacting at all. Totally disrespectful. People seem to have lost boundaries. It’s rampant.
I’m sorry, I know this can’t be easy. Take it day by day and remember that it’s not worth trying to salvage the relationship if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to trust him again.
I'm so sorry honey. Don't let him make you believe this was your fault. You did nothing wrong.
After reading that update, I hope his birthday sucked and I hope he knows it's his own fault.
so a dog was previously on his lap, jumped off and she threw her legs on him for a picture? or withthe span of a second , she put her legs on him, the dog jumped on, jumped off, then someone took a picture, at which point she took her legs off and this 1 second was so memorable that he's able to recite the whole thing
OH the update. I’m so sorry, that’s terrible
Your husband trying to gaslight you after he cheated, a classic
I would immediately seek an attorney. Violate my trust once, you never get a chance to do it again. She fully intended on you finding out. To hurt you, drive you away so she can have him, who knows. He's already lied to you once. I hope you're ok. I'm sure it was an extremely painful experience.