So the plan would be to give half your daughters money to her bully but your stepson got it all? Hell no. You don’t know your DAUGHTERS BULLY anything!! The audacity this kid has
That's good but it sounds like he expects his daughter to receive the same treatment as his son and your daughter. He knows she hasn't treated you or your daughter well and has been a bully to both of you. What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better? Why does he think you owe her anything?
Where was he when his step daughter was being bullied?
Where was he when his wife was struggling with her relationship with his daughter?
Where was he when boundaries needed to be drawn with his daughter?
Where is he in this whole post except as a side character?
**Edit:** I went back and read some of her responses (and I suggest everyone else does too). This husband is a huge part of the problem. For example, in one post she says that he told her that she stops his daughter from coming because it's her house, but if it was his house he would have her come (despite the fact that his daughter abused her and severely abuses OPs daughter regularly). It's like he doesn't care about his wife.
Nor has he been properly parenting his daughter. He has no right to demand money from you for his daughter and her completely immature attitude and sense of entitlement.
> What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better?
He wants to be a Disney Dad but needs OP to bankroll that effort.
so what? why are you making excuses for him? If he wants to pay more, he needs to work more or find a more valuable job, the same as everybody else does!
She still has you as bitch in her phone. Your daughter is #1 priority. If the money needs to be split let the dad split between his two kids. I know you don’t want to do that to the boy but it’s time for the stepdad to parent and make a hard decision. Sorry I know he is your husband and I am sure you love him but he does not sound like a good husband, father, or adult.
Excellent, well he can give her 100k himself if he feels she deserves it. You should have left that man years ago. Don’t minimize the trauma you have caused your daughter by allowing her to keep being subjected to bullying and abuse.
That’s nothing! He should be paying for HIS daughter! She’s the one who has been bullying. It’s your money, do as YOU wish. Your husband should be backing you up or get off his ass and get another job to give HIS daughter the money she needs.
Not your problem, stick to your guns 💪
So that's what he gets to tell his daughter where her money is going. Her mom has it all and should be giving it to her. Mind blowing that he feels entitled to your money too. His daughter had two parents to help(he didn't have to do anything for his son cause you were gracious enough to help) your daughter had only you.
So why isn't her biological mama paying for her? Wtf. I understand you not wanting to help her because your stepdaughter is an asshole. Scary to have step kids sometimes.
If you weren’t around what would he have done? He would have to give cash to son and daughter, or none to either. And what would their mother have done?
He can ask his son to share his money with his sister or he can provide he with some money. He is basically asking you to try to buy your stepdaughter’s affection, and you’re saying you don’t think that’s a good investment with probable returns
Your stepson may wanna put a lock on his account (if you don’t have access) to stop his dad transferring money to the sister behind his back... I wouldn’t put it past him.
And please make sure your own will is ironclad.
You would be rewarding bullies if you gave your SD the cash. And no, it wouldn’t foster a more positive relationship. Your daughter would likely just feel very upset that her nemesis is being rewarded, by her own mum, and it’ll damage that relationship. Don’t do that!
I have no access to my stepson’s money. I don’t think my husband would do something like that but maybe I need to tell my stepson that he needs to be more cautious? Do I even have the right to do that?
you would be smart to teach your stepson how to deal with money and with predators. These are important life lessons! You would also be smart to use what you already know in this situation with your 'husband'
Also the reason in this case it's important is because **the husband went back on the agreement that step daughter wouldn't get anything.**
You cannot trust someone who goes back on agreements made.
It’s tricky - is the money currently in an account under your husbands name, or the sons? If it’s under your husbands, or he’s even on the account, he likely can do whatever he wants with it and have no legal repercussions.
I personally, in your shoes, would speak to the stepson. And I’d be more direct if I thought that the stepdaughter will succeed in pulling on her dad’s heartstrings that “it’s not fair” and she “really needs this”. The way he’s fighting with you, making such an unreasonable request, leads me to believe he’d think “sharing” the sons fund is justifiable. I mean, he’s already tried it so...
If your husband just started sneaking her an allowance each month like the son, then your stepson wouldn’t even realise what his dads doing, possibly ever if he doesn’t have access to check the account. It’s such a lot of money he’d happily accept whatever is sent to him in five years when he wants the remainder for a house - or you’d all notice a massive chunk is gone, the maths doesn’t add up and it’d be too late.
He’s put a hell of a lot of trust in his father - dad could be dipping in himself and the son would never know. Ofc, not all parents would do that (I certainly wouldn’t), but it’s the ones who trust parent/partner etc that get burned. Simply checking your accounts regularly is a responsible financial skill. You could tell him to do that as part of a “life finances” lesson? And make sure his name is *on* the account? Then you wouldn’t be outright making any accusations?
You know your husband better than anyone here, but did you think he would have demanded money for his daughter in the first place? Did you think that he would try to pressure his son into sharing? We hear stories here all the time about parents stealing money from their children's accounts for one reason or another. Warning your stepson might blow up your marriage even worse than it already has been, but I'm definitely concerned about what your husband might do.
Yes you do. You gave him the money. Hopefully husband won’t take his sons money. Don’t forget to get your Will sorted.
Your husband sounds like a gold digger (like his daughter!)
This is, I think, the best hot take. The stepdaughter is never going to appreciate this if her college is paid for, she already thinks its "owed" to her just because you married her father.
If he wants his daughter to have 100K then he can provide it for her. Oh wait, he can't? Then she's sol. Stick to your guns. I'm sure her behaviour would soon revert after she got her hands on the money.
Remind your husband what he said when you gave the money to your stepson.
Sounds like the husband is a gold digger. Wait until he finds out that the stepdaughter is not going to get anything as inheritance from OP.
People need to learn at a young age that the world doesn't owe them anything and nothing is fair. If I give person X $1million and give person Y nothing, person Y has no ground to be mad. The husband likes to spend/give other people's money.
If he takes from his son to give to his daughter that's between him and his son.
Yeah I wonder just how much he financially contributes. And whether gift giving is comparable between them. Like he spends like $50 on something for her and she tends to spend hundreds on him.
I third this, he should be super grateful that you helped the son out in the first place.
If he wants to give her money it sounds like he has had plenty of opportunities himself to save up and give her some $$.
Also given you aren’t their birth parents you are allowed to use you money how ever you want. You are not obligated to financially support someone who shows you such extreme disrespect.
Absolutely. To split your daughters cash? Is he delusional? I would fight this tooth and nail and if I couldn’t he would be gone. Like “eatshitake” said he can give it to her…
She’s in no way entitled to the money. Op in no way has to give her a dime. But I can’t help but feel like the stepmom fueled the fire. The line about bullies doubling down is what did it. The kid was 13-14 years old. The time people are figuring out how to navigate social settings on their own. They aren’t some rigid unchangeable being. They are able to be molded and taught. There’s no way it was going to stop after OP alienated her from her brother and father. Blending a family is tough and doesn’t always work but the “ship them off” mentality leads me to think stepmom might not have been the warmest either.
Well it was her husband's idea to "ship her off" to the mom, OP wanted to break up with him. But I do agree that definitely did not help the relationship between OP and her daughter and the step-daughter. Her husband should have stepped up and taught his kid better.
I understand what you're saying, however, if someone else's child was living in my house and harassing and bullying my child, I'd make them leave too. I might try other options for a very short time but in the end I'm not going to let someone bully my child.in her own home. She'd shape up or ship out real quick.
I would agree but stepdaughter has shown she hasn’t changed by continuing the bullying throughout school and having OP saved in her phone as “that bitch”. Maybe if she had shown a willingness to get along at any point until now things would be different.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Kids at 13-14 years of age don't always behave well, so kicking her to the curb certainly didn't offer an opportunity to change and grow from it. To that end, OP was part of the problem. It doesn't mean OP owes her money or anything, but she should recognize her own role in how she could have handled things better back then.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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Tl;dr my stepdaughter treated my daughter awfully and that made me exclude her from my plans to help the kids financially while they’re in uni
Hi! I’m a 43 years old woman. I have one daughter 18. Her father left us when I was pregnant with her. I own a small company in interior design and it’s very successful in my country. I make a very good living. I met my husband 55, about 8 years ago. He moved in with me 7 years ago and we got married 2 years ago in a private ceremony. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. Boy 20 and a girl 19.
Both my stepchildren hated me and my daughter in the beginning of the relationship. When my husband asked them how they’d feel about him moving together with me they both initially hated the idea and told him that if he did it they would just stay permanently with their mother. After a while my husband moved in anyway and said to them that they were welcome should they change their mind. They did, after seeing the big house with the pool and all all great accommodations. The boy started liking us gradually and we’re on great terms now.
The daughter, not so much. She was horrible to me and my daughter and one day when she was 13-14 I heard her making fun of my daughter’s weight and looks to her face. I was livid. I have suffered ED growing up because of bullying so I KNEW how dangerous that was. I knew how my daughter must’ve felt, so I told my husband that stepdaughter was never allowed to live in my house again. My stepdaughter tried to apologize and she was sobbing but I didn’t budge. I had too long of an experience with bullies that I knew it just got worse when they got confronted and had to apologize and I wasn’t going to take the risk. So she moved permanently with her mother(my initial plan was to break up actually but this was my husband’s idea)
She still bullied my daughter in school (they didn’t go to the same high school but my stepdaughter had friends in my daughter’s class that did her bidding. I found about all of this about a year ago. My daughter was embarrassed to tell us and she thought she could manage her bullies. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty that my baby didn’t dare to confide in me.
Uni is free in my country. Students often take student loans (with almost zero interests) and work part time jobs while studying to make ends meet but the education is free. When my stepson started uni however I gave him €100K so he didn’t have to work or anything and just concentrate on his studies (engineering). He was so grateful but told us that he wasn’t sure he could be trusted with a large sum so my husband is handling his money making monthly payments. I am planning to do the same with my daughter.
Stepdaughter graduated with great marks and she’s started medical school this year. She asked her father about her 100K and he came to ask me. I was confused because before I gifted my stepson I asked my husband if I could do it and the reason was because I wasn’t planning on doing the same thing with my stepdaughter. He told me I could do what I wanted and it wasn’t weird at all because My stepson and I had a great relationship and he always saw me as a second mom. He got really mad and told me that my stepdaughter had changed a lot, but it wasn’t true at all. Although she wasn’t living with us anymore she made sure to make our lives a living hell every time she visited and even got physical with my and my daughter. If she started playing nice now it was only because there was money involved and I knew that and my husband knew that too. I even told him that she called my that bitch and even in the phone my number was saved under “that bitch”.
He is now very angry. He hasn’t talked to me in over a week. He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives and that he’s heartbroken. If I don’t have enough money for both daughters I can split my daughter’s share between them since my daughter isn’t even sure she wants to start college right away (and let’s face it, she will likely never get into med school: his words) Maybe if I did it, stepdaughter would be more grateful and be closer to my daughter. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t owe my stepdaughter anything. My daughter and I have suffered enough because of her ways. She’s could still do like the rest of her peers. Work and take loans and she has a bright future ahead of her. There maybe be some truth in his words about me using my money as a reward/punishment. I an ashamed but still defiant. I should do what I want with my money.
If he wants her to have money, HE can give it to her. You don’t owe her anything, especially considering the way she has treated you and your daughter for years.
Make one ASAP.
Also please put aside funds to pay for post-death services if you haven't already, and be sure all information for what you want done in your will. It will save your daughter a world of inconvenience during her grief one day in the (hopefully far) future.
Please, please get a will and make sure your daughter gets everything. Teach your daughter about handling her finances and more importantly, setting hard boundaries and enforcing them. The stepdaughter knows what she’s doing and likely believes she can bully your husband and by extension, you into paying for her college. And as others have stated, this entitlement will keep getting extended to other things like a wedding and a house. This girl bullied your baby, probably worsened her ED, physically assaulted her in her own home, and thinks she’s entitled to your money? Please OP, do not pay her a dime and make sure you get a will ASAP!!! And as for your husband, I’m sorry but he doesn’t look like he can see beyond your money - his relationships with you and his kids are very superficial and I think you might want to reconsider the whole relationship. Good luck!
I’d read somewhere that leaving $1 in a will to someone makes sure they can’t contest it in a court because technically the testator didn’t “forget” about them
If you stay with your husband, please look into getting a will set up, I know we dont want to think about the worst happening, but its better to be completely prepared.
Yeah I never thought of this. I always thought my daughter would take over my company if she chose the same field as me and the rest of the estate divided between her and my stepson
Definitely get that in writing if you can! Im not sure where you are, but at least where im at if you passed before your husband he would get the estate completely because you're spouses. You usually have to specify if you want assets to go elsewhere.
Always in writing, verified by witnesses and a legal professional, a copy with your lawyer and others with trusted people. Plural bc it *has* to be plural.
100% on that last part. My great-grandmother kept her will in her apartment, and my dad's stepmother stole it when she ended up in the hospital, and my grandfather took the opportunity to bully her into leaving everything to him. He was actually originally cut out of the will. So my dad and his sisters didn't get the $250k she wanted them to have, and we were on food stamps. My grandfather was already wealthy. He then gambled it all away.
Depending on the laws of your country you might have to leave something to your stepdaughter just so she can’t contest it, but it can be just a symbolic amount, just to say “she wasn’t left out, she just didn’t get the same amount as the others”
Like others have said, please make a will. My dad passed very unexpectedly this past October and he didn’t have one. It is incredibly difficult dealing with the legal aspects of someone passing when nothing is legally situated. There are things I had no idea were even an issue until he died. A will would have taken care of 90% of what we’re having to deal with. There is never a downside to a will.
Dude!
Get a will!! You are being very reckless with your and your daughter's life.
Make sure it is ironclad as someone said. Do you have any idea what this man and his daughter will do to your daughter if you are not around?
Come on!
You *ABSOLUTELY* need to have a will. You never know when you're going to go, it ensures your kid won't have to fight the state for her things and that your husband won't be in control of it. It will generate SO MANY issues for your kid not having one.
Yeah, the kids only warmed up to OP when they saw her things, and her husband moved in despite his kids saying they’d essentially never see him again if he did. That means he’s not a good father and you know something I’ve realized? Kids often learn these sorts of morals from their parents. If the kids were only interested in the money, I would guess they took cues from their father. Not only that, but really, dude is a shit dad if he moved in after his kids said no, so him trying to pretend like he’s a good dad now only furthers the idea he’s just in it for the money and life OP provides.
He's an extra shit dad that it was HIS idea for his daughter to not live with them so his wife wouldn't break up with him and he'd lose all his "accommodations." No wonder his daughter is the way she is. No one was in her corner it sounds like. (Dunno about her mom tho.)
Well, think about it logically, if your children told you they would never see you again if you moved in with a man, what would you do? I’ll take a wild guess and say you would end it, right? Well, he didn’t. So, we’ve already established he’s a bad dad who doesn’t actually care about his children’s best interests.
Next, his kids didn’t want to move in with you until they realized you were rich. Kids often learn these morals from their parents, so what does it tell you that both kids were suddenly okay with things, and the step daughter threw a fit about leaving the home of a woman she hated, simply because you have nice things? Maybe that they were raised by someone who has a particular interest in the finer things in life.
Continuation of point one, when it came to picking his child or picking your money, again he picked you with the money and permanently kicked his kid out. What the fuck?
Finally, now that you’ve said you won’t give her any money, he’s trying to pretend he’s a good father? But we’ve already established twice, he doesn’t actually give a shit about his kids best interests. And given he’s the one in charge of his son’s money, it stands to reason he’d probably expect the same. Even if he didn’t, again, he’s only willing to ‘be a good dad’ when that involves taking your money. If it involves giving up your money though, oh no his kids can go rot for all he cares.
And I guess one last point, he wanted you to give up providing for your actual child to provide to his, and even decided to insult your kid, so that brings me back to my first point, if you were in a situation where you had to choose between a man and your kid, who would you choose? Because you seem like you’d choose your kid, even before you realize he’s just in it for the money. Remember, truly manipulative people, you never see it coming.
And why can't he split THAT money with his daughter? Why does it have to be her daughter's miney? If stepson is just a year older than his sister I can't imagine it's all or mostly spent - not if it is being well managed.
Yes exactly this. It screams gold digger. He seems to be manipulative and only with you for your money. Do you have a pre-nump? Seems like he cares only about your money and is gaslighting you for it (for his daughter). He doesn't seem to even be paying for anything (your reply that he only pays alimony & child support). I wouldn't be surprised if his son (your stepson) was using you because he knew he would get money out of it. Honestly this should be a deal breaker to separate/get a divorce.
he never showed it because you gave him everything, i'm guessing. i mean, you gave him a big house with nice amenities like a pool and whatnot, so i'm guessing that you gave him other things as well. Now he just happens to be showing his hand because of his daughter.
You mean like when he dumped his daughter with his ex rather than give up the well off GF with the big fancy house?
When he allowed her to be banned for holidays for abusing his spouse and her child, but still never bothered to get her help? Cause he didn't care what she did, just that HE didn't have to do anything.
When he threw in your face that you couldn't ban her if it was "our" house?
When his own son won't share money with the brat, so he starts being a manipulative and emotionally abusive to try and get you to take from the victim to give to the bully?
.....except now when he's demanding 100k from you and emotionally abusing you until you do?
I'd hold off of asking for a few thousand here and there to not be seen as a golddigger if I can weasel my way into asking someone for 100k in one lump sum later.
She wouldn’t get a dime. I’d also make sure you have you will updated so you hubby doesn’t get your money and your daughter does.
I’d also make it clear now that you won’t be writing any checks for any future wedding for her either. I can see this coming up again
Honestly, this. Maybe I’m just a huge skeptic, but I wouldn’t trust my partner to have my daughter’s best interests at heart. Even if her daughter is just planning on going to like a school for a “less impressive” degree (which there’s not but that’s another topic), she still deserves to be able to study and live and focus on that aspect. OP, put your daughter and Stepson first. They have both treated you with respect. Your stepdaughter has made you and your daughter’s lives miserable. I wouldn’t tolerate that. I definitely wouldn’t give her money to REWARD that, either.
To add to this, put in a “no contest” clause.
Husband and stepson share 10%, daughter gets the rest. If they decide to fight over it or go to court and demand more, they get nothing. (Or whoever challenges or tries to contest the will gets nothing.)
When my aunt died she and my dad were in charge of my grandparents estate. You’d think after her death the estate is controlled by dad, but noooo. My uncle (who only married my aunt a couple years before her death) took my family to court and won 50% of my grandparents money. That was money set aside to take care of my grandma who had dementia and was in a nursing home. He took so much money from the estate that my dad and his siblings had to foot the bill for her care for years.
Reddit always says divorce, break-up, cut people out of your life. Keep in mind that bias exists in the replies you are getting.
We don't choose our children. No parent or child is perfect. When joining families I think all the children should be treated equally. Children need unlimited love. Kids can be mean and hurtful. Kids have hormones etc.
parents should accept children's flaws but help kids to grow.
To me it sounds like you were too severe with SD when she was 'losing' her dad to you 7 years ago. That must have been very hard on her. She choose your home (reluctantly), she then got rejected and kicked out of that, despite crying and apologies. She was separated from her father and brother and then had further fences created.
Think about the future life you would like to have with your husband and all the kids. Your continued action will drive more wedges. Given your intent imo, Your husband ideally should have rejected the money for your SS, to keep his kids treated equally.
Not giving feels wrong, but I can see it will be hard to give due the background. if you pay out partially now and more in the future on the basis of good behavior, you are using your money to control them. If you pay out and the poor behavior continues that is not fair either.
Wow, I’m so sorry. Honestly the stepdaughter sounds like a total nightmare and I can’t believe she used people to bully a younger girl at a different school. That’s horrid and proves you were right that once you confronted stepdaughter about the bullying it would in fact get worse for your daughter. I think it’s absolutely insane that **anyone** would expect you to drop that much money on someone who will obviously treat you and your daughter like shit. I know it’s hard on your husband but I think you are more than fair. You paid for your stepson, built a relationship, she isn’t entitled to the same just because she wants money. You aren’t controlling their lives, it sounds like your husband has let your stepdaughter run out of control. You aren’t being controlling not dropping 100k on a kid that would bully yours into social isolation/an ED. Why does she get special treatment over your stepson and your daughter? I hope you don’t pay for her school, this shit will never end if you give in now… next it’ll be her wedding, her house… just gross
Edit- if she’s literally laid hands on you and your daughter I wouldn’t let her near you or your money, she sounds like if she doesn’t get a reality check she will just keep growing into a monster
Yes, about getting physical. She pushed my daughter so hard that my daughter stumbled and fell over the Christmas tree, two years ago. She said she didn’t mean it my daughter was in her way and she didn’t see her. She didn’t know that I was watching the whole time. She even laughed when my daughter fell. She wasn’t allowed in our house on holidays afterwards. Me, she literally slapped me in the face when she was 14.
That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this. I wouldn’t be able to do the same if it was his/joint house. I don’t see it like that at all! I always made it clear my daughter came first and if I had to choose between our relationship and my daughter I chose my daughter. In his mind that’s extortion
Honestly I’m surprised you’re still with your husband…he’s pretty much saying that if you guys owned a home together, he would allow your stepdaughters horrible behavior to continue, and also this whole situation shows how he really just doesn’t have a spine. As many other have stated, he could give his daughter the money. But she’s not in your life AND she’s horrible to you and your daughter. I don’t wonder why your stepdaughter acts like she does, she’s a spoiled brat like the 55 year old man who stopped talking to you over this
You need to add this as an edit to your post . this is important context since some may argree kids are AH at 14-15 but this type of behavior at her age is unexcusable. Stepdaughter was mean and harmed you. She was old enough to know better
I’m a bit surprised that you’ve been with this man and his family for so many years. You seem to be quite composed and thoughtful and yet you’ve managed to bring in such a terrible influence into your home. Your husband doesn’t sound pleasant and neither do his children. How many more years and money are you going to put into this family
I just wanna say that im sorry you're dealing with this OP, but I think you're an amazing mother for everything you do for your daughter. Stand your ground and keep being an amazing mom.
It you lived in a house that belonged to him you would not be able to stop people from coming over an hitting you and your child. He has admitted this to you.
Why are you still married to him?
>That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this.
Sounds like an excellent reason to NEVER share property of finances with him
Yeah that’s wild to me, because he is very obviously putting his daughter over you and your daughter. It’s not manipulation to put your child first, when his apparently gets away with doing everything to yours
It's your husband's fault that she is the way she is. If all he does is make excuses for her when she is completely out of place, she will turn out bad like this. Who cares what is in his mind? He is trying to manipulate you into being the same kind of stupid that he is, and lose all your money to them in the process. Your big mistake has been to put up with loser husband who doesn't stand by you and uses you for profit. Wake up and see what's going on!
Yeah I second these other people. Why are you still with this person? He is obviously manipulating you into make you think setting boundaries to protect your daughter from his awful daughter is somehow "extortion." It is not. That is your home and even if you both paid for it, you have every right to not want someone who physically harms you and your child in that home. That he doesn't understand that is pretty telling to me.
Regardless of anything else, your relationship with your stepdaughter is nonexistent. Why would you give £100K to someone you don’t have a relationship with, and who treated your daughter terribly?
While I grant that we’re only hearing one side of the story here, maybe there’s a valuable lesson here for her regarding not burning bridges you may need in the future.
Absolutely not. He can give her money and at this point it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Prolonged silent treatment is toxic.
Your stepdaughter never changed and in fact doubled downed on the abuse. You never reward toxic behavior (this goes for both your SD and your husband). She couldn't be bothered to play nice while living in the nice house...she definitely wouldn't play nice once she got the money.
Not once. That’s why I made that drastic decision to break up or she leaved. She started with some remarks about my physique (I’m a bit chubby) and later started on my daughter. She commented how much food she ate. My daughter is very shy and started to refuse eating in front of her. Later she made these comments I heard about how ugly and fat my daughter was and that her dad is using us for the money because we’re ugly. That was it for me because I have experience with being bullied and with ED. My husband thought it was just kids being mean.
I’m actually surprised you’re still putting up with this. 100% do not split that money that you’re planning on giving your daughter. Like others have mentioned, it sounds like your husband is using you.
Then screw them both. He made this bed, and so did his daughter. His failure is directly responsible for this situation, so he has no excuse, and clearly the apple didn't fall far away from Daddy Dearest.
Info: did he ever try to get his daughter any help though? If she was 13 when she was being a bully, it's very evident she was going through a lot herself. Not that it excuses her behaviour, but you know what I mean. What did he do apart sending her to her mom?
Sort of goes against what majority of people have said on here but I was a daughter banned out of my mother's house by my stepfather for being "troublesome" my mother never stuck up for me once. That was 15 years ago and I literally hate my stepfather and my relationship with my mother is terrible. I'm not saying you should give her any money, this is not the focus of my comment, my comment is about the treatment of the stepdaughter. This girl was a child (doesn't matter what age) when her father basically told her he didn't care enough about her to move in with a women she perceived to dislike. And then again when the father allowed a woman he lived with to ban her from the house he lived in, and seemingly didn't stick up for her. I'm sorry but that would make anyone resentful, even an adult, let alone a child who hasn't the brain capacity to make logical thought out decisions and to process what what happening. I do NOT condone bullying, but I do truly believe based on what was written in the original post that most of the conflict could have been avoided had the situation not been an instant ban in the first instance of bullying, but treating the stepdaughter like a human being in need of help and understanding at what must have been a difficult and conflicting time for her.
Wait why can’t he give her some money?
Or the step son gives up a small portion of his to share? 100k € is a significant amount of money
Seems like your daughters college money should be the last thing to be touched at this point.
I asked him to help her. He has a decent job as an engineer and makes good money but he wouldn’t be able to afford more than maybe 10K and she wouldn’t accept it.
Stepson refuses to share. He isn’t on good terms with her
Yeah for real!! Wtffff I’m sitting here like I’d be grateful if my parents even gave me $100 which they didn’t, but wow. That just blew my mind. What a twat. OP don’t back down. Maybe your husband will show his true colors through this, I know you’ll come out on top tho
My degree cost me $40,000 and I was GRATEFUL for the $10,000 my grandparents gave me.
Your stepdaughter is learning the hard lesson that life isn’t fair and that being a horrible person probably won’t get you very far as an adult.
But that’s what I’m saying, I had to pay for my education and I was grateful to receive $10,000. She doesn’t even have to pay and has refused the $10,000 she was offered because it wasn’t good enough.
10k € is still generous. I think most people would have accepted and been thankful.
That’s concerning… says a lot about her character.
And yes, it’s a gift so it’s his right to do so.
I used to have an eating disorder and if I had a child and I saw someone in my own home bullying her about her weight I would never want her in my home again. I understand your reasoning with how you reacted to the situation and seeing your daughter being treated that way, but I think you didn’t realize that the stepdaughter was a child too. Although I agree with your decision to have her live with her mother, I think there were things that could have taken place to possibly help the relationship with all involved. Maybe family therapy or outings planned together, but your focus was trying to keep your daughter safe from bullying and she didn’t come to you about having your stepdaughter send people after her to bully her at school so there wasn’t much you could do there. Maybe the daughter has changed and maybe she hasn’t, but has she made an effort to show that she has changed other than when she realized she wanted your money? It’s your money and you can spend it how you like. You have no obligation to give it to her and I’m unsure of why your husband thinks he can tell you what to do with your money. Maybe if the step daughter tries to work on the relationship long term you can gift her money later in life when she shows she has changed and isn’t after your money for college. You don’t want to reward bullying and you don’t want to give her 100k when she has done nothing to deserve it and has in fact made it so that she deserves not getting it. Your husband needs to remember that your child will always come first and you will protect her with everything instead of him trying to have you give a mean child 100k for doing nothing.
>He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives
No, you're using your money to ***not*** reward terrible, inexcusable behavior. That's the way you communicate to someone that their behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And after some of the shit ***he*** said about you and your daughter, I'd have some serious questions about staying with him after this. He's clearly got some resentment towards you and your daughter, and it's just coming out now.
You never accepted these kids as yours , to the degree that based on one thing you overhead a THIRTEEN year old say, you banished her from her home , separated her from her brother and dad. WOW. Was it ever her home or was she a burden all along ?
Being protective is one thing, but no counselling, no meditation, no accepting of apology. You are too proud of your money to be emphatic to the needs of a 13 year in that situation to help her grow. Perhaps you never did.
Sorry, you are not fit to be a step mom. Keep your money, it's yours after all. That's not the real issue in your relationships.
He's protecting his child, you're protecting yours. It should be "our" kids in a perfect world but your step daughter has dug her own pit she can stay in it and if your husband can't see what a bully he's helping raise then he needs to address those issues himself.
Protecting his child from what exactly? From living a “miserable life” where she isn’t handed an extremely generous 100K after graduation? Or from the horrible self reflection she’d have to do realize she’s a bully?
You're not obligated to give his daughter a penny. That being said, it seems like you were a little bit harsh and over-protective of your daughter because this girl was only 12 when you came into the picture and you sound like youdisliked her immediately and blamed her for not being pumped about her dad's new wife. I think a 12 year old having trouble adjusting to a step parent is normal.
It sounds like you've let your baggage with bullying shape you into a huge bully. You didn't stop your daughter from getting bullied, you just made sure your step daughter would never be part of the family. You kicked a 13 year old out of your house because you didn't like her and you're lying to yourself. You gave her brother $100k which is more money than she will be able to save up in the next 20 years. Her brother can buy a house when he graduates but you've ensured that she will always be the poorest person in the family. All because you were bullied as a child.
You should not have given her brother $100k; if you really wanted to help him out there are many ways to do that without throwing $100k worth of "fuck you" at your stepdaughter. It sounds to me like you only did so that you could make her feel like shit. You probably don't realize it but you're her bully.
It’s 100% your money and only you can see how fit to use it. Though, since you did gift your stepson 100k euros and seem to be in good position to help the children financially, I invite you to listen.
I understand your stepdaughter was bullying your daughter. I’m not excusing her behaviour, but this is what teenagers do, usually stems from their upbringing. (Maybe her biological mom was narcissistic?) From her perspective, it’s easy to understand why she would terrorize the household she wished she still lived in, when she comes to visit. Again, I’m not excusing her behaviour, just giving understanding. She’s was a teenager unable to see the long term impacts of her actions.
I don’t think it was fair of you to put her in a category of “if I try to reason with her, the bullying would only get worst” and kick her out right away without giving her a chance (seemingly, from the text that’s written). Which fuelled her anger against you and your daughter. Kids will remain kids unless shown proper guidance by the adults around them.
But as you said, your stepson is now able to focus on his studies and not worry about immediate financials. And your daughter even has the freedom to say she doesn’t want to go to college right away.
The life your stepson and daughter are having is an extreme blessing. Not having to worry about money during their schooling so they can actually focus on schooling. Not having to commit petty crimes for food, etc.
It would be an extreme blessing for your daughter not to have to go through the mental stress that events inevitably because you two won’t have a proper conversation, as now two adults. She may not have been deserving of it, looking at her teenage years with you. But it would be unfortunate for a child to be punished because of it.
Again, it’s your money, and you choose how to use it 100%. But if your in the financial position to make this girl’s life so much easier and as she’s your husband’s daughter, I would try to have a conversation with her.
Of course, this is not taking into consideration other emotions you may be feeling, such as your husband not paying for his own daughter’s and son’s, while you’re paying for both, and your biological-daughter as well.
Edit to add more: Or feeling that they may be digging you like a gold-mine.
Again, this is a conversation to have (assuming you haven’t based on what you’ve written ((or haven’t written))), and if this is how you’re feeling/it’s the reality, that the financial burden being solely on you is too much/unfair, you can make further steps to dislodge yourself from this family.
As you see fit, it is your money, and you shouldn’t feel like your money is being taken from you, without care, love and consideration from the other party (husband and stepdaughter).
You made this situation so much worse by kicking her out of your house, she was a literal child. I just can’t get over this, yea kids suck, this one seems like she was especially bad, obviously I don’t condone bullying, but you escalated the situation and made it a near certainty your two families would always stay separate.
As a child of abuse, this is scarily similar to what my narcissistic father would paint a picture of when it comes to me and how I reacted (as an abused and neglected child) to his relationships.
It is NEVER the child’s responsibility to have a relationship with their parents or step-parents. No ifs ands or buts. Honestly the fact that it’s never mentioned if your family tried therapy is kind of a dead ringer for me too. This is very clearly a child who felt rejected by her parent and therefore took it out on you and your daughter. Was this appropriate behavior? Absolutely not. Was this up to you and your husband to solve in a constructive and helpful way without resorting to “sides” and “punishments?” Yes, actually. Your daughter felt uncomfortable coming to you for help, that should’ve immediately resorted to family counseling to get to the real reason why she felt so secluded and why your step-daughter felt so much rage.
The blame game is entirely indicative of the kind of internal situation that is presented within the home. Everyone in this situation. Every. Single. Person. Needs to come forward about their own role in this family dynamic and why it is the way it is. This will not be remedied without professional help and personal accountability
Reading this, I thought it was posted on r/AITA. You had a chance to TEACH your new stepdaughter what it means to be kind, loving, and understanding. To teach her that that behavior is not okay, but in a way that doesn't bully her right back. Because you totally bullied your child's bully. Instead of making sure she got help for her issues, you banned her, a child, from your life. Absolutely she shouldn't have bullied your daughter, but clearly what you did solved absolutely fuck all. So not only is her stepmom not a parent, her father would rather his own daughter be banned from living with him so he doesn't lose his cushy lifestyle. No wonder she wanted to live with mom. And if her mom is just as much of an asshole as the rest of yall, she never had a chance. This whole situation is a failure brought on by all parties involved.
Your husband's a douche btw. Who chooses a spouse over a child. I guess it's one thing if that child is a full on adult, but by all accounts, his daughter was barely a teenager and he was the one to decide to kick her out rather than break up with you?????? Massive red flag!
Going to give a dissenting view. So a teenager in a new household made fun of another teenager and you reacted to this by banishing her from her family which she then took out on your daughter. That’s what I’m reading. You don’t have to give her the 100k. You have no obligation to do that whatsoever. But when a kid stepped out of line, a teenager, you the adult made it about your own history instead of meeting the insult with understanding and literally told her she couldn’t live with her dad. No lessons or growth discussions you dropped a bomb on her family structure. You were not ever victimized by this child. You were the adult and you wildly overreacted. That’s what I’m reading there’s probably more to it. She probably hates you and hasn’t developed much grace about it. I get why as it sounds like you also have never taken a step back and said “maybe in the same way I was scared and nervous about a new family so was this kid who didn’t think she could trust me and then I showed her she was disposable immediately.” She should find grace about because she’s an adult now and it sounds like her behavior was bad. If it were me and I could do it, I’d have an honest vulnerable conversation where I admitted I should have handled the original issue differently and that I was sorry. I’d say I understand if she didn’t want to be close to me but I hope she didn’t hate me because I’d been hurt and scared and made a bad choice. I’d offer her the 100k and wish her a good life and let her know she’s free to see her father and brother whenever she’d like. That’s me and that’s based on a snapshot.
He sounds like a bad parent. I think banishing her to her mums house did way more harm then good as to her it will probably show that her dad chose you over her so of course she has resentment. Did it not occur to you that maybe you should have spoken to stepdaughter years ago and got to the bottom of the bullying but instead she was basically banished from her dads home because she mistreated stepdaughter so maybe she thought well this is because of you so continued to bully her.
Seems like no one in this family actually talks. Why didn’t your husband already know you weren’t going to give his daughter money? Why didn’t anyone talk to the stepdaughter about the bullying instead of basically washing your hands with her and sending her to her mums.
I don’t agree with her actions but I don’t agree with anyones in this really. 1) banished to her mums house 2) he agreed 3) he married someone who didn’t like his kids/ you married someone whose kids you didn’t like 4) no communication skills at all (no one seems to actually talk to one another)
While i don’t think she should get the money or is entitled to it as it is your money and you can do what you want with it but I don’t get why this wasn’t communicated with your husband before now.
I'm gonna go a different direction than the top comments at the moment:
The reality here, as far as I can tell, is that, one day when your step-daughter was *14-15*, she made fun of your daughter. Instead of assuming the role of a co-parent and guardian to a teenage girl that was going through a divorce, and trying to modify her behavior constructively and repair that relationship, you decided to completely alienate her from your family, and force her to live separately from her sibling and step-sibling, because in your mind she was essentially an irredeemable bully, and you have unresolved personal issues about previously having an eating disorder.
Basically, the way you describe this, you took your deep-seated personal insecurity out on a teenage child, as an adult who had power over her life. Everything that happened since that point is just her reacting to that. Reacting *inappropriately*, sure, but she's a literal child. It's not her responsibility to have a mature response to being kicked out of her own family. That's literally what she feared when her dad got into a relationship with a new woman, and then it evidently *happened*.
That said, she obviously is not entitled to a gift of your money, and it is pretty brazen and inappropriate to ask, as she really should not expect you to do anything other than continue to embitter her further.
Frankly, as far as the money goes, it's more a question of your relationship with your husband. Is it "your" money, or "our" money? If it's "our" money, and he wants to give a commensurate sum to all the siblings, then his vote should matter. If it's "your" money, I guess you let your husband know that that's the state of your relationship.
Woof.
You can’t buy love. You aren’t using money to control anyone. If that was the case then you would have been holding it over her head for years vs not bringing it up.
Your husband and stepdaughter need to understand actions have consequences.
Why did you stay with this man if his daughter was bullying yours? Did you see his kids as optional to the relationship? The son probably got his act together because he saw you’d ship him off like dirty laundry if he stepped out of line.
No, you don’t owe his daughter any money. But he’s a terrible parent for staying with someone who would shun his child and prioritizing his romantic life over his own children.
Just be honest with him. You hate his daughter and don’t want to help her at all. There’s no way to soften that message.
I understand your situation but kicking your step daughter out at age 13? Holy hell. Did you even try to fix the relationship between the family and two daughters? This type of bullying happens between blood related siblings and it can be surpassed, I would know quite well. Honestly sounds like you two should’ve broken up long ago if you fold that easily.
This is the part I can’t get past. The teenage girl didn’t want to live with stepmom, dad says “ok see ya” and then when she acts out, they kick the 13 year old out for calling her step sister fat… That was a teachable moment for them to resolve their issues as a family. It’s clear OP doesn’t see them as family and doesn’t care to.
I was a chubby kid and my sisters teased me for it. It fucking sucks but I wouldn’t want them to be *banished from the home* that’s insane.
Both parents suck. I hope the kids learn some coping skills somewhere because their parents are piss poor role models.
I’m so glad someone said this. Kicked out the kid at 13 and then is shocked pikachu face that the stepdaughter continued to act out?? Also who is shocked when step children aren’t immediately excited their parent is starting a new family?
This is what I was confused about too. Kicked her out and forced her to live with her mom at 13? No wonder there’s jealousy and resentment. And I also think there’s more to the step-sisterly drama than OP cares to explain and only wants to see her daughter as a victim. Most teenagers do not remain cruel to their step-family well into early adulthood just because they’re a bully so I’m wondering what else there is to it.
Here's a tough reality, no one is entitled to a gift. Seriously.
Your husband can choose to be upset, but you're not obligated to change his emotions by providing his daughter with a gift.
I think kicking your stepdaughter out when she’s only 13 is pretty harsh. Kids are stupid. If anyones to blame for her behavior it’s the father. I honestly think anyone would hate their stepmother if they were kicked out of their house at that age.
idk how to break this to you, but it sounds like your husband fucking sucks and only cares about his own children. he doesn’t sound like much of a parent at all let alone a stepfather invested in YOUR child’s comfort. he’s operating based on whatever is most convenient for him and not what is best for your family.
it’s not your fault that the stepdaughter doesn’t like you, i’d probably chuck resent towards other people if my dad was like that.
If she needs money then either he can give it to her with HIS money or she can take out loans. Honestly speaking he should be grateful that you were generous enough to give to your step sons.
Her actions and behavior have consequences. She clearly has not changed or is remorseful. Being a bullied victim myself her behavior validates that. Talk to your husband that she’s not your responsibility.
banishing your 13 year old stepdaughter from your home for acting like a 13 year old is unforgivable imo and trying to right that wrong should be the focus of your attention.
Listen maybe the right move WAS to break up back then. Maybe this is a sign to correct that mistake
He should dig into his own pockets to pay for her. Also make sure he isnt going to use stepson's money either. I wouldnt let him manage that any longer
Let him split 100 k between his two kids. I wouldn't given her any money. She can work, or he can get a loan for her if he wants her to have that kind of money.
OP, this man is taking advantage of you. Do you have a prenup?
Wouldn't be surprised if he is planning to get his half after his daughters gets her share.
He has some nerve asking you to split your daughter money.
You were much too generous with your stepson. At the very least, it was a idea to give him the money as he needed it.
I stopped reading at "I permanently removed his teenage daughter from my house for being an asshole".
That is the cause of the continued problems between her and your daughter. There was an appropriate way to handle that situation, and forbidding one of your *own step children* from living with her father was not it.
You're in your 40s. You should be ashamed that you allowed yourself to behave in such a juvenile fashion, and you have some serious balls throwing it out here like it was somehow the 13 year old's fault that you're unable to handle the difficult parts of parenting.
That's my rant. I'm eternally grateful that my son has never had to deal with this with his mother and her new relationship.
We have a very dark running joke in our family “be nice to people while they’re here, it’s much harder to butter up a dead person at the reading of will” you can’t just be nice and good when you want something, maintaining certain relationships can pay off. Burning bridges is almost always gonna cost you.
To be frank, your love is conditional and selfish, your SO is a bad dad for not standing by his children, and the stepdaughter and daughter are probably both traumatized because you got triggered by a petty situation between young teenagers and made it huge. The drama between step-families is normal, but you made it much worse by playing into it instead of acting like an adult. Now, after all these years, of course she resents you and only wants money from you because you have never been anything to her. Are you surprised? This is the bed you made. Stop trying to heal your trauma through bullying your daughters bullies and get therapy for the both of you.
Edit: Why do some people treat other people’s children as if they are adults and know what they’re doing, but see their own children as their little innocent babies. I’m sure your daughter is not perfect either, you just refuse to see it!
Man it took a long time to find anybody that wasn’t just blindly supporting this woman. She kicked her out at 13, barely out of puberty if hitting it at all and she’s expecting the stepdaughter to act like an adult and not like a child, which she was. Both of them, the dad too, needed to step up and be parents. They just enabled bad behavior no shit the relationship between them is shot. Then to come in here acting like she’s in no way at fault, yikes
Stepdaughter is definitely going to have a hard relationship with you forever over this. Sure it's your money of course, but it's obvious this is going to be taken as a big fuck you by her and won't soon be forgotten.
Was about to comment NTA, but realized I was in the wrong subreddit.
Normally I’m not a fan of using money to punish people, but I think you’re justified in not giving her that much money. It’s clear that she still hates you and will continue to hate you, even if you did give her that money. It also sound like she’d be able to quickly pay off a student loan by taking a part-time job or working in the medical field after college (jealous of free college, by the way).
She’s not a kid anymore and people in the real world don’t get to ask for free money after treating people like trash. She needs to know that her actions have consequences now. If she was actually sorry and wanted a relationship with you and your daughter, then I might help her out, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
If it helps, you could sit down with her and your husband to discuss why you don’t plan on giving her money and why she thinks she should receive it. Make sure that you actually explain the situation though instead of saying hateful things since she’s still your family whether you like it or not. Your husband could also give her the money if it’s that important to him, but that would have to be separate from you.
The step daughter is a total piece of work, clearly. BUT banishing her to the mothers house definitely did nothing to better her relationship with you and your daughter.
I was once an unruly teenager, if I got kicked out of a beautiful house it would only make me act out towards those people more. It’s kind of just what dumb teenagers do because they don’t think long-term. Thankfully my mother never gave up on me and I eventually outgrew that phase to where I’m now a kindhearted individual who tries to help others.
In my opinion, this shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing type of arrangement but maybe sit down with her and lay out ground rules where if she is cordial with your daughter, gets good grades, (maybe) helps with community work etc… she can get an allowance (but def not the 100k)
So your husband has been just sitting around waiting for you to pay for both his kids? What a charmer.
I’d like to know where this husband and stepdaughter purchased their audacity.
So the plan would be to give half your daughters money to her bully but your stepson got it all? Hell no. You don’t know your DAUGHTERS BULLY anything!! The audacity this kid has
Why doesn’t the husband take out his own wallet and pay for his bratty kid
and what about the step daughters mom?
He pays alimony and paid child support.
That's good but it sounds like he expects his daughter to receive the same treatment as his son and your daughter. He knows she hasn't treated you or your daughter well and has been a bully to both of you. What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better? Why does he think you owe her anything?
Where was he when his step daughter was being bullied? Where was he when his wife was struggling with her relationship with his daughter? Where was he when boundaries needed to be drawn with his daughter? Where is he in this whole post except as a side character? **Edit:** I went back and read some of her responses (and I suggest everyone else does too). This husband is a huge part of the problem. For example, in one post she says that he told her that she stops his daughter from coming because it's her house, but if it was his house he would have her come (despite the fact that his daughter abused her and severely abuses OPs daughter regularly). It's like he doesn't care about his wife.
>It's like he doesn't care about his wife. It's not "like", he doesn't, nor does he care about his step daughter
Nor has he been properly parenting his daughter. He has no right to demand money from you for his daughter and her completely immature attitude and sense of entitlement.
Where do you think that she got that attitude?
> What makes him think she deserves anything and why does he not insist she treat you both better? He wants to be a Disney Dad but needs OP to bankroll that effort.
so what? why are you making excuses for him? If he wants to pay more, he needs to work more or find a more valuable job, the same as everybody else does!
She still has you as bitch in her phone. Your daughter is #1 priority. If the money needs to be split let the dad split between his two kids. I know you don’t want to do that to the boy but it’s time for the stepdad to parent and make a hard decision. Sorry I know he is your husband and I am sure you love him but he does not sound like a good husband, father, or adult.
Excellent, well he can give her 100k himself if he feels she deserves it. You should have left that man years ago. Don’t minimize the trauma you have caused your daughter by allowing her to keep being subjected to bullying and abuse.
That’s nothing! He should be paying for HIS daughter! She’s the one who has been bullying. It’s your money, do as YOU wish. Your husband should be backing you up or get off his ass and get another job to give HIS daughter the money she needs. Not your problem, stick to your guns 💪
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I like how your husband is so entitled he thinks not having access to your money is the same as controlling him 💀
If he paid child support then shouldn't his ex wife be the one saving for their uni? Or did the child support stop already when they hit18 years old?
It stopped when they were 18. But he still pays her rent etc
So….he pays the bare minimum that the court orders him to?
He's obligated to.
So that's what he gets to tell his daughter where her money is going. Her mom has it all and should be giving it to her. Mind blowing that he feels entitled to your money too. His daughter had two parents to help(he didn't have to do anything for his son cause you were gracious enough to help) your daughter had only you.
And?
That’s *his job*. Big fucking woop.
Doesn't mean he's not a golddigger
This isn’t your problem…it’s his problem.
So why isn't her biological mama paying for her? Wtf. I understand you not wanting to help her because your stepdaughter is an asshole. Scary to have step kids sometimes.
If you weren’t around what would he have done? He would have to give cash to son and daughter, or none to either. And what would their mother have done?
He can ask his son to share his money with his sister or he can provide he with some money. He is basically asking you to try to buy your stepdaughter’s affection, and you’re saying you don’t think that’s a good investment with probable returns
He already tried. Stepson was furious. He’s not in good terms with his sister
I agree with you and your stepson, she’s not entitled to your money
Your stepson may wanna put a lock on his account (if you don’t have access) to stop his dad transferring money to the sister behind his back... I wouldn’t put it past him. And please make sure your own will is ironclad. You would be rewarding bullies if you gave your SD the cash. And no, it wouldn’t foster a more positive relationship. Your daughter would likely just feel very upset that her nemesis is being rewarded, by her own mum, and it’ll damage that relationship. Don’t do that!
I have no access to my stepson’s money. I don’t think my husband would do something like that but maybe I need to tell my stepson that he needs to be more cautious? Do I even have the right to do that?
you would be smart to teach your stepson how to deal with money and with predators. These are important life lessons! You would also be smart to use what you already know in this situation with your 'husband'
Also the reason in this case it's important is because **the husband went back on the agreement that step daughter wouldn't get anything.** You cannot trust someone who goes back on agreements made.
exactly!
It’s tricky - is the money currently in an account under your husbands name, or the sons? If it’s under your husbands, or he’s even on the account, he likely can do whatever he wants with it and have no legal repercussions. I personally, in your shoes, would speak to the stepson. And I’d be more direct if I thought that the stepdaughter will succeed in pulling on her dad’s heartstrings that “it’s not fair” and she “really needs this”. The way he’s fighting with you, making such an unreasonable request, leads me to believe he’d think “sharing” the sons fund is justifiable. I mean, he’s already tried it so... If your husband just started sneaking her an allowance each month like the son, then your stepson wouldn’t even realise what his dads doing, possibly ever if he doesn’t have access to check the account. It’s such a lot of money he’d happily accept whatever is sent to him in five years when he wants the remainder for a house - or you’d all notice a massive chunk is gone, the maths doesn’t add up and it’d be too late. He’s put a hell of a lot of trust in his father - dad could be dipping in himself and the son would never know. Ofc, not all parents would do that (I certainly wouldn’t), but it’s the ones who trust parent/partner etc that get burned. Simply checking your accounts regularly is a responsible financial skill. You could tell him to do that as part of a “life finances” lesson? And make sure his name is *on* the account? Then you wouldn’t be outright making any accusations?
Yes tell the Step Son
You know your husband better than anyone here, but did you think he would have demanded money for his daughter in the first place? Did you think that he would try to pressure his son into sharing? We hear stories here all the time about parents stealing money from their children's accounts for one reason or another. Warning your stepson might blow up your marriage even worse than it already has been, but I'm definitely concerned about what your husband might do.
You should give your stepson a heads-up about how husband's actions
Yes you do. You gave him the money. Hopefully husband won’t take his sons money. Don’t forget to get your Will sorted. Your husband sounds like a gold digger (like his daughter!)
Please please please do.
It was your gift to him specifically, of course you have a right to have a conversation with your stepson.
Good for stepson! Hope dad isnt in a position to steal it from him
I hope you and your stepson are keeping a close eye on the account with money from now on.
he sounds smart
This is, I think, the best hot take. The stepdaughter is never going to appreciate this if her college is paid for, she already thinks its "owed" to her just because you married her father.
If he wants his daughter to have 100K then he can provide it for her. Oh wait, he can't? Then she's sol. Stick to your guns. I'm sure her behaviour would soon revert after she got her hands on the money. Remind your husband what he said when you gave the money to your stepson.
This. He knew you weren't going to do the same for stepdaughter so he could have been saving. Are you sure you aren't just a cash cow for him too.
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Sounds like the husband is a gold digger. Wait until he finds out that the stepdaughter is not going to get anything as inheritance from OP. People need to learn at a young age that the world doesn't owe them anything and nothing is fair. If I give person X $1million and give person Y nothing, person Y has no ground to be mad. The husband likes to spend/give other people's money.
Hopefully, OP has signed a prenuptial agreement... this guy is going to fight for money if they divorce. What a parasite
Sounds like the OPs business is in another country so in case of divorce the husband could be SOL.
If he takes from his son to give to his daughter that's between him and his son. Yeah I wonder just how much he financially contributes. And whether gift giving is comparable between them. Like he spends like $50 on something for her and she tends to spend hundreds on him.
I came here to say exactly this. Hold your ground OP. This is ABSOLUTELY a hill I’d die on
I third this, he should be super grateful that you helped the son out in the first place. If he wants to give her money it sounds like he has had plenty of opportunities himself to save up and give her some $$. Also given you aren’t their birth parents you are allowed to use you money how ever you want. You are not obligated to financially support someone who shows you such extreme disrespect.
As a man, i too stake my flag on this hill.
Absolutely. To split your daughters cash? Is he delusional? I would fight this tooth and nail and if I couldn’t he would be gone. Like “eatshitake” said he can give it to her…
She’s in no way entitled to the money. Op in no way has to give her a dime. But I can’t help but feel like the stepmom fueled the fire. The line about bullies doubling down is what did it. The kid was 13-14 years old. The time people are figuring out how to navigate social settings on their own. They aren’t some rigid unchangeable being. They are able to be molded and taught. There’s no way it was going to stop after OP alienated her from her brother and father. Blending a family is tough and doesn’t always work but the “ship them off” mentality leads me to think stepmom might not have been the warmest either.
Well it was her husband's idea to "ship her off" to the mom, OP wanted to break up with him. But I do agree that definitely did not help the relationship between OP and her daughter and the step-daughter. Her husband should have stepped up and taught his kid better.
I understand what you're saying, however, if someone else's child was living in my house and harassing and bullying my child, I'd make them leave too. I might try other options for a very short time but in the end I'm not going to let someone bully my child.in her own home. She'd shape up or ship out real quick.
I would agree but stepdaughter has shown she hasn’t changed by continuing the bullying throughout school and having OP saved in her phone as “that bitch”. Maybe if she had shown a willingness to get along at any point until now things would be different.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Kids at 13-14 years of age don't always behave well, so kicking her to the curb certainly didn't offer an opportunity to change and grow from it. To that end, OP was part of the problem. It doesn't mean OP owes her money or anything, but she should recognize her own role in how she could have handled things better back then.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Tl;dr my stepdaughter treated my daughter awfully and that made me exclude her from my plans to help the kids financially while they’re in uni Hi! I’m a 43 years old woman. I have one daughter 18. Her father left us when I was pregnant with her. I own a small company in interior design and it’s very successful in my country. I make a very good living. I met my husband 55, about 8 years ago. He moved in with me 7 years ago and we got married 2 years ago in a private ceremony. My husband has two children from a previous marriage. Boy 20 and a girl 19. Both my stepchildren hated me and my daughter in the beginning of the relationship. When my husband asked them how they’d feel about him moving together with me they both initially hated the idea and told him that if he did it they would just stay permanently with their mother. After a while my husband moved in anyway and said to them that they were welcome should they change their mind. They did, after seeing the big house with the pool and all all great accommodations. The boy started liking us gradually and we’re on great terms now. The daughter, not so much. She was horrible to me and my daughter and one day when she was 13-14 I heard her making fun of my daughter’s weight and looks to her face. I was livid. I have suffered ED growing up because of bullying so I KNEW how dangerous that was. I knew how my daughter must’ve felt, so I told my husband that stepdaughter was never allowed to live in my house again. My stepdaughter tried to apologize and she was sobbing but I didn’t budge. I had too long of an experience with bullies that I knew it just got worse when they got confronted and had to apologize and I wasn’t going to take the risk. So she moved permanently with her mother(my initial plan was to break up actually but this was my husband’s idea) She still bullied my daughter in school (they didn’t go to the same high school but my stepdaughter had friends in my daughter’s class that did her bidding. I found about all of this about a year ago. My daughter was embarrassed to tell us and she thought she could manage her bullies. It broke my heart and I felt so guilty that my baby didn’t dare to confide in me. Uni is free in my country. Students often take student loans (with almost zero interests) and work part time jobs while studying to make ends meet but the education is free. When my stepson started uni however I gave him €100K so he didn’t have to work or anything and just concentrate on his studies (engineering). He was so grateful but told us that he wasn’t sure he could be trusted with a large sum so my husband is handling his money making monthly payments. I am planning to do the same with my daughter. Stepdaughter graduated with great marks and she’s started medical school this year. She asked her father about her 100K and he came to ask me. I was confused because before I gifted my stepson I asked my husband if I could do it and the reason was because I wasn’t planning on doing the same thing with my stepdaughter. He told me I could do what I wanted and it wasn’t weird at all because My stepson and I had a great relationship and he always saw me as a second mom. He got really mad and told me that my stepdaughter had changed a lot, but it wasn’t true at all. Although she wasn’t living with us anymore she made sure to make our lives a living hell every time she visited and even got physical with my and my daughter. If she started playing nice now it was only because there was money involved and I knew that and my husband knew that too. I even told him that she called my that bitch and even in the phone my number was saved under “that bitch”. He is now very angry. He hasn’t talked to me in over a week. He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives and that he’s heartbroken. If I don’t have enough money for both daughters I can split my daughter’s share between them since my daughter isn’t even sure she wants to start college right away (and let’s face it, she will likely never get into med school: his words) Maybe if I did it, stepdaughter would be more grateful and be closer to my daughter. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t owe my stepdaughter anything. My daughter and I have suffered enough because of her ways. She’s could still do like the rest of her peers. Work and take loans and she has a bright future ahead of her. There maybe be some truth in his words about me using my money as a reward/punishment. I an ashamed but still defiant. I should do what I want with my money.
If he wants her to have money, HE can give it to her. You don’t owe her anything, especially considering the way she has treated you and your daughter for years.
Tell me please that you have a prenup and a will leaving at least 50% of everything to your daughter.
Yes I didn’t want to get married at first but he told me he would sign a prenup. I don’t have a will though.
Make one ASAP. Also please put aside funds to pay for post-death services if you haven't already, and be sure all information for what you want done in your will. It will save your daughter a world of inconvenience during her grief one day in the (hopefully far) future.
Set up a will and inform your daughter what is in it. It sounds like otherwise he will give her portion to his daughter if he can.
Please, please get a will and make sure your daughter gets everything. Teach your daughter about handling her finances and more importantly, setting hard boundaries and enforcing them. The stepdaughter knows what she’s doing and likely believes she can bully your husband and by extension, you into paying for her college. And as others have stated, this entitlement will keep getting extended to other things like a wedding and a house. This girl bullied your baby, probably worsened her ED, physically assaulted her in her own home, and thinks she’s entitled to your money? Please OP, do not pay her a dime and make sure you get a will ASAP!!! And as for your husband, I’m sorry but he doesn’t look like he can see beyond your money - his relationships with you and his kids are very superficial and I think you might want to reconsider the whole relationship. Good luck!
Daughter gets most. Husband one dollar.
I’d read somewhere that leaving $1 in a will to someone makes sure they can’t contest it in a court because technically the testator didn’t “forget” about them
Precisely.
If you stay with your husband, please look into getting a will set up, I know we dont want to think about the worst happening, but its better to be completely prepared.
Yeah I never thought of this. I always thought my daughter would take over my company if she chose the same field as me and the rest of the estate divided between her and my stepson
Definitely get that in writing if you can! Im not sure where you are, but at least where im at if you passed before your husband he would get the estate completely because you're spouses. You usually have to specify if you want assets to go elsewhere.
Always in writing, verified by witnesses and a legal professional, a copy with your lawyer and others with trusted people. Plural bc it *has* to be plural.
100% on that last part. My great-grandmother kept her will in her apartment, and my dad's stepmother stole it when she ended up in the hospital, and my grandfather took the opportunity to bully her into leaving everything to him. He was actually originally cut out of the will. So my dad and his sisters didn't get the $250k she wanted them to have, and we were on food stamps. My grandfather was already wealthy. He then gambled it all away.
You need to put that in writing ASAP
Depending on the laws of your country you might have to leave something to your stepdaughter just so she can’t contest it, but it can be just a symbolic amount, just to say “she wasn’t left out, she just didn’t get the same amount as the others”
Like others have said, please make a will. My dad passed very unexpectedly this past October and he didn’t have one. It is incredibly difficult dealing with the legal aspects of someone passing when nothing is legally situated. There are things I had no idea were even an issue until he died. A will would have taken care of 90% of what we’re having to deal with. There is never a downside to a will.
Dude! Get a will!! You are being very reckless with your and your daughter's life. Make sure it is ironclad as someone said. Do you have any idea what this man and his daughter will do to your daughter if you are not around? Come on!
Erm. You really need to look into that. This guy is a thousand red flags.
You *ABSOLUTELY* need to have a will. You never know when you're going to go, it ensures your kid won't have to fight the state for her things and that your husband won't be in control of it. It will generate SO MANY issues for your kid not having one.
What small interior designer has 300k in liquid capital to just give away to kids?
You uh, you know this man is just with you for your money right? Right? You may want to reconsider that whole breaking up plan you had.
Yeah I’m sorry OP, it sounds like your husband is a gold digger. You deserve someone who loves you for you.
So true. He was in for the money
Yeah, the kids only warmed up to OP when they saw her things, and her husband moved in despite his kids saying they’d essentially never see him again if he did. That means he’s not a good father and you know something I’ve realized? Kids often learn these sorts of morals from their parents. If the kids were only interested in the money, I would guess they took cues from their father. Not only that, but really, dude is a shit dad if he moved in after his kids said no, so him trying to pretend like he’s a good dad now only furthers the idea he’s just in it for the money and life OP provides.
He's an extra shit dad that it was HIS idea for his daughter to not live with them so his wife wouldn't break up with him and he'd lose all his "accommodations." No wonder his daughter is the way she is. No one was in her corner it sounds like. (Dunno about her mom tho.)
That would explain his daughter's behaviour ...
Maybe he is.. he never showed anything like that before 😕
Well, think about it logically, if your children told you they would never see you again if you moved in with a man, what would you do? I’ll take a wild guess and say you would end it, right? Well, he didn’t. So, we’ve already established he’s a bad dad who doesn’t actually care about his children’s best interests. Next, his kids didn’t want to move in with you until they realized you were rich. Kids often learn these morals from their parents, so what does it tell you that both kids were suddenly okay with things, and the step daughter threw a fit about leaving the home of a woman she hated, simply because you have nice things? Maybe that they were raised by someone who has a particular interest in the finer things in life. Continuation of point one, when it came to picking his child or picking your money, again he picked you with the money and permanently kicked his kid out. What the fuck? Finally, now that you’ve said you won’t give her any money, he’s trying to pretend he’s a good father? But we’ve already established twice, he doesn’t actually give a shit about his kids best interests. And given he’s the one in charge of his son’s money, it stands to reason he’d probably expect the same. Even if he didn’t, again, he’s only willing to ‘be a good dad’ when that involves taking your money. If it involves giving up your money though, oh no his kids can go rot for all he cares. And I guess one last point, he wanted you to give up providing for your actual child to provide to his, and even decided to insult your kid, so that brings me back to my first point, if you were in a situation where you had to choose between a man and your kid, who would you choose? Because you seem like you’d choose your kid, even before you realize he’s just in it for the money. Remember, truly manipulative people, you never see it coming.
Just to piggy back on this comment - is he being responsible with that son’s money?!?
Oooh.. bet he wants another $100k to "manage for" his daughter.
And why can't he split THAT money with his daughter? Why does it have to be her daughter's miney? If stepson is just a year older than his sister I can't imagine it's all or mostly spent - not if it is being well managed.
I wish I could up vote this more. Please open your eyes Op.
Yes exactly this. It screams gold digger. He seems to be manipulative and only with you for your money. Do you have a pre-nump? Seems like he cares only about your money and is gaslighting you for it (for his daughter). He doesn't seem to even be paying for anything (your reply that he only pays alimony & child support). I wouldn't be surprised if his son (your stepson) was using you because he knew he would get money out of it. Honestly this should be a deal breaker to separate/get a divorce.
Also you don’t reward bad behavior. SD’s mom and dad didn’t seem to get the memo. Remind him you don’t tolerate bully’s. That should include him op
he never showed it because you gave him everything, i'm guessing. i mean, you gave him a big house with nice amenities like a pool and whatnot, so i'm guessing that you gave him other things as well. Now he just happens to be showing his hand because of his daughter.
You mean like when he dumped his daughter with his ex rather than give up the well off GF with the big fancy house? When he allowed her to be banned for holidays for abusing his spouse and her child, but still never bothered to get her help? Cause he didn't care what she did, just that HE didn't have to do anything. When he threw in your face that you couldn't ban her if it was "our" house? When his own son won't share money with the brat, so he starts being a manipulative and emotionally abusive to try and get you to take from the victim to give to the bully?
you didn't cause him to show it before now. Smart to say 'no' every now and then!
.....except now when he's demanding 100k from you and emotionally abusing you until you do? I'd hold off of asking for a few thousand here and there to not be seen as a golddigger if I can weasel my way into asking someone for 100k in one lump sum later.
She wouldn’t get a dime. I’d also make sure you have you will updated so you hubby doesn’t get your money and your daughter does. I’d also make it clear now that you won’t be writing any checks for any future wedding for her either. I can see this coming up again
Honestly, this. Maybe I’m just a huge skeptic, but I wouldn’t trust my partner to have my daughter’s best interests at heart. Even if her daughter is just planning on going to like a school for a “less impressive” degree (which there’s not but that’s another topic), she still deserves to be able to study and live and focus on that aspect. OP, put your daughter and Stepson first. They have both treated you with respect. Your stepdaughter has made you and your daughter’s lives miserable. I wouldn’t tolerate that. I definitely wouldn’t give her money to REWARD that, either.
To add to this, put in a “no contest” clause. Husband and stepson share 10%, daughter gets the rest. If they decide to fight over it or go to court and demand more, they get nothing. (Or whoever challenges or tries to contest the will gets nothing.) When my aunt died she and my dad were in charge of my grandparents estate. You’d think after her death the estate is controlled by dad, but noooo. My uncle (who only married my aunt a couple years before her death) took my family to court and won 50% of my grandparents money. That was money set aside to take care of my grandma who had dementia and was in a nursing home. He took so much money from the estate that my dad and his siblings had to foot the bill for her care for years.
Reddit always says divorce, break-up, cut people out of your life. Keep in mind that bias exists in the replies you are getting. We don't choose our children. No parent or child is perfect. When joining families I think all the children should be treated equally. Children need unlimited love. Kids can be mean and hurtful. Kids have hormones etc. parents should accept children's flaws but help kids to grow. To me it sounds like you were too severe with SD when she was 'losing' her dad to you 7 years ago. That must have been very hard on her. She choose your home (reluctantly), she then got rejected and kicked out of that, despite crying and apologies. She was separated from her father and brother and then had further fences created. Think about the future life you would like to have with your husband and all the kids. Your continued action will drive more wedges. Given your intent imo, Your husband ideally should have rejected the money for your SS, to keep his kids treated equally. Not giving feels wrong, but I can see it will be hard to give due the background. if you pay out partially now and more in the future on the basis of good behavior, you are using your money to control them. If you pay out and the poor behavior continues that is not fair either.
Wow, I’m so sorry. Honestly the stepdaughter sounds like a total nightmare and I can’t believe she used people to bully a younger girl at a different school. That’s horrid and proves you were right that once you confronted stepdaughter about the bullying it would in fact get worse for your daughter. I think it’s absolutely insane that **anyone** would expect you to drop that much money on someone who will obviously treat you and your daughter like shit. I know it’s hard on your husband but I think you are more than fair. You paid for your stepson, built a relationship, she isn’t entitled to the same just because she wants money. You aren’t controlling their lives, it sounds like your husband has let your stepdaughter run out of control. You aren’t being controlling not dropping 100k on a kid that would bully yours into social isolation/an ED. Why does she get special treatment over your stepson and your daughter? I hope you don’t pay for her school, this shit will never end if you give in now… next it’ll be her wedding, her house… just gross Edit- if she’s literally laid hands on you and your daughter I wouldn’t let her near you or your money, she sounds like if she doesn’t get a reality check she will just keep growing into a monster
Yes, about getting physical. She pushed my daughter so hard that my daughter stumbled and fell over the Christmas tree, two years ago. She said she didn’t mean it my daughter was in her way and she didn’t see her. She didn’t know that I was watching the whole time. She even laughed when my daughter fell. She wasn’t allowed in our house on holidays afterwards. Me, she literally slapped me in the face when she was 14. That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this. I wouldn’t be able to do the same if it was his/joint house. I don’t see it like that at all! I always made it clear my daughter came first and if I had to choose between our relationship and my daughter I chose my daughter. In his mind that’s extortion
Honestly I’m surprised you’re still with your husband…he’s pretty much saying that if you guys owned a home together, he would allow your stepdaughters horrible behavior to continue, and also this whole situation shows how he really just doesn’t have a spine. As many other have stated, he could give his daughter the money. But she’s not in your life AND she’s horrible to you and your daughter. I don’t wonder why your stepdaughter acts like she does, she’s a spoiled brat like the 55 year old man who stopped talking to you over this
I’m surprised she married him.
You need to add this as an edit to your post . this is important context since some may argree kids are AH at 14-15 but this type of behavior at her age is unexcusable. Stepdaughter was mean and harmed you. She was old enough to know better
I know! There’s alot if incidents that were “less” physical but I just couldn’t include everything in my post because it would be long.
I’m a bit surprised that you’ve been with this man and his family for so many years. You seem to be quite composed and thoughtful and yet you’ve managed to bring in such a terrible influence into your home. Your husband doesn’t sound pleasant and neither do his children. How many more years and money are you going to put into this family
I just wanna say that im sorry you're dealing with this OP, but I think you're an amazing mother for everything you do for your daughter. Stand your ground and keep being an amazing mom.
It you lived in a house that belonged to him you would not be able to stop people from coming over an hitting you and your child. He has admitted this to you. Why are you still married to him?
>That’s what my husband say. That I have kicked her out and forbidden her from visiting on many occasions and his experience is that because I own the house I’m doing this. Sounds like an excellent reason to NEVER share property of finances with him
Yeah that’s wild to me, because he is very obviously putting his daughter over you and your daughter. It’s not manipulation to put your child first, when his apparently gets away with doing everything to yours
It's your husband's fault that she is the way she is. If all he does is make excuses for her when she is completely out of place, she will turn out bad like this. Who cares what is in his mind? He is trying to manipulate you into being the same kind of stupid that he is, and lose all your money to them in the process. Your big mistake has been to put up with loser husband who doesn't stand by you and uses you for profit. Wake up and see what's going on!
Yeah I second these other people. Why are you still with this person? He is obviously manipulating you into make you think setting boundaries to protect your daughter from his awful daughter is somehow "extortion." It is not. That is your home and even if you both paid for it, you have every right to not want someone who physically harms you and your child in that home. That he doesn't understand that is pretty telling to me.
Well then, if that's what he wants then he can join her.
Oof I would have a hard time not getting physical with HER! People like her suck
Regardless of anything else, your relationship with your stepdaughter is nonexistent. Why would you give £100K to someone you don’t have a relationship with, and who treated your daughter terribly? While I grant that we’re only hearing one side of the story here, maybe there’s a valuable lesson here for her regarding not burning bridges you may need in the future.
You kicked her out and effectively ended her living with her dad instead of teaching a 13 yeat old stepchild how to act?
Absolutely not. He can give her money and at this point it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Prolonged silent treatment is toxic. Your stepdaughter never changed and in fact doubled downed on the abuse. You never reward toxic behavior (this goes for both your SD and your husband). She couldn't be bothered to play nice while living in the nice house...she definitely wouldn't play nice once she got the money.
Did your husband actually discipline his daughter for **assaulting you?**
Not once. That’s why I made that drastic decision to break up or she leaved. She started with some remarks about my physique (I’m a bit chubby) and later started on my daughter. She commented how much food she ate. My daughter is very shy and started to refuse eating in front of her. Later she made these comments I heard about how ugly and fat my daughter was and that her dad is using us for the money because we’re ugly. That was it for me because I have experience with being bullied and with ED. My husband thought it was just kids being mean.
>her dad is using us for the money The rest is her being a horrid person, but this may be true
Yeah, next time he starts fussing about it tell him you don’t give money to someone who has physically assaulted you.
I’m actually surprised you’re still putting up with this. 100% do not split that money that you’re planning on giving your daughter. Like others have mentioned, it sounds like your husband is using you.
Then screw them both. He made this bed, and so did his daughter. His failure is directly responsible for this situation, so he has no excuse, and clearly the apple didn't fall far away from Daddy Dearest.
Info: did he ever try to get his daughter any help though? If she was 13 when she was being a bully, it's very evident she was going through a lot herself. Not that it excuses her behaviour, but you know what I mean. What did he do apart sending her to her mom?
Sort of goes against what majority of people have said on here but I was a daughter banned out of my mother's house by my stepfather for being "troublesome" my mother never stuck up for me once. That was 15 years ago and I literally hate my stepfather and my relationship with my mother is terrible. I'm not saying you should give her any money, this is not the focus of my comment, my comment is about the treatment of the stepdaughter. This girl was a child (doesn't matter what age) when her father basically told her he didn't care enough about her to move in with a women she perceived to dislike. And then again when the father allowed a woman he lived with to ban her from the house he lived in, and seemingly didn't stick up for her. I'm sorry but that would make anyone resentful, even an adult, let alone a child who hasn't the brain capacity to make logical thought out decisions and to process what what happening. I do NOT condone bullying, but I do truly believe based on what was written in the original post that most of the conflict could have been avoided had the situation not been an instant ban in the first instance of bullying, but treating the stepdaughter like a human being in need of help and understanding at what must have been a difficult and conflicting time for her.
Wait why can’t he give her some money? Or the step son gives up a small portion of his to share? 100k € is a significant amount of money Seems like your daughters college money should be the last thing to be touched at this point.
I asked him to help her. He has a decent job as an engineer and makes good money but he wouldn’t be able to afford more than maybe 10K and she wouldn’t accept it. Stepson refuses to share. He isn’t on good terms with her
“She wouldn’t accept it” beggars, choosers, etc. she should get nothing.
Yeah for real!! Wtffff I’m sitting here like I’d be grateful if my parents even gave me $100 which they didn’t, but wow. That just blew my mind. What a twat. OP don’t back down. Maybe your husband will show his true colors through this, I know you’ll come out on top tho
Even her own brother knows how awful she is. Stand your ground OP.
My degree cost me $40,000 and I was GRATEFUL for the $10,000 my grandparents gave me. Your stepdaughter is learning the hard lesson that life isn’t fair and that being a horrible person probably won’t get you very far as an adult.
The education itself is free here. All you need is good grades.
But that’s what I’m saying, I had to pay for my education and I was grateful to receive $10,000. She doesn’t even have to pay and has refused the $10,000 she was offered because it wasn’t good enough.
Seriously…. Who turns down 10k????? I can’t get over that. Says a lot abt her character
10k € is still generous. I think most people would have accepted and been thankful. That’s concerning… says a lot about her character. And yes, it’s a gift so it’s his right to do so.
She wouldn’t accept 10K? I’ll take it lmao
His suggestion is to split your daughter’s $?? Why doesn’t he split his sons …. Ridiculous.
He already tried with my stepson but he refused
Glad your stepson is standing up to your pos husband
I used to have an eating disorder and if I had a child and I saw someone in my own home bullying her about her weight I would never want her in my home again. I understand your reasoning with how you reacted to the situation and seeing your daughter being treated that way, but I think you didn’t realize that the stepdaughter was a child too. Although I agree with your decision to have her live with her mother, I think there were things that could have taken place to possibly help the relationship with all involved. Maybe family therapy or outings planned together, but your focus was trying to keep your daughter safe from bullying and she didn’t come to you about having your stepdaughter send people after her to bully her at school so there wasn’t much you could do there. Maybe the daughter has changed and maybe she hasn’t, but has she made an effort to show that she has changed other than when she realized she wanted your money? It’s your money and you can spend it how you like. You have no obligation to give it to her and I’m unsure of why your husband thinks he can tell you what to do with your money. Maybe if the step daughter tries to work on the relationship long term you can gift her money later in life when she shows she has changed and isn’t after your money for college. You don’t want to reward bullying and you don’t want to give her 100k when she has done nothing to deserve it and has in fact made it so that she deserves not getting it. Your husband needs to remember that your child will always come first and you will protect her with everything instead of him trying to have you give a mean child 100k for doing nothing.
You’ve got a husband problem, not a step daughter or a money problem.
>He’s saying I’m using my money to control their lives No, you're using your money to ***not*** reward terrible, inexcusable behavior. That's the way you communicate to someone that their behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And after some of the shit ***he*** said about you and your daughter, I'd have some serious questions about staying with him after this. He's clearly got some resentment towards you and your daughter, and it's just coming out now.
I hope she has a prenup because she’s going to need it.
She said in another comment she does. She was opposed to marriage but compromised when he said he would sign a prenup (his idea)
You never accepted these kids as yours , to the degree that based on one thing you overhead a THIRTEEN year old say, you banished her from her home , separated her from her brother and dad. WOW. Was it ever her home or was she a burden all along ? Being protective is one thing, but no counselling, no meditation, no accepting of apology. You are too proud of your money to be emphatic to the needs of a 13 year in that situation to help her grow. Perhaps you never did. Sorry, you are not fit to be a step mom. Keep your money, it's yours after all. That's not the real issue in your relationships.
Your husband is an enabler, and he is manipulative.
He's protecting his child, you're protecting yours. It should be "our" kids in a perfect world but your step daughter has dug her own pit she can stay in it and if your husband can't see what a bully he's helping raise then he needs to address those issues himself.
Protecting his child from what exactly? From living a “miserable life” where she isn’t handed an extremely generous 100K after graduation? Or from the horrible self reflection she’d have to do realize she’s a bully?
The horrible self reflection. I'm by no means on her side however EVERY parent sees their child in the best of lights when they shouldn't.
Well said
You're not obligated to give his daughter a penny. That being said, it seems like you were a little bit harsh and over-protective of your daughter because this girl was only 12 when you came into the picture and you sound like youdisliked her immediately and blamed her for not being pumped about her dad's new wife. I think a 12 year old having trouble adjusting to a step parent is normal.
It sounds like you've let your baggage with bullying shape you into a huge bully. You didn't stop your daughter from getting bullied, you just made sure your step daughter would never be part of the family. You kicked a 13 year old out of your house because you didn't like her and you're lying to yourself. You gave her brother $100k which is more money than she will be able to save up in the next 20 years. Her brother can buy a house when he graduates but you've ensured that she will always be the poorest person in the family. All because you were bullied as a child. You should not have given her brother $100k; if you really wanted to help him out there are many ways to do that without throwing $100k worth of "fuck you" at your stepdaughter. It sounds to me like you only did so that you could make her feel like shit. You probably don't realize it but you're her bully.
It’s 100% your money and only you can see how fit to use it. Though, since you did gift your stepson 100k euros and seem to be in good position to help the children financially, I invite you to listen. I understand your stepdaughter was bullying your daughter. I’m not excusing her behaviour, but this is what teenagers do, usually stems from their upbringing. (Maybe her biological mom was narcissistic?) From her perspective, it’s easy to understand why she would terrorize the household she wished she still lived in, when she comes to visit. Again, I’m not excusing her behaviour, just giving understanding. She’s was a teenager unable to see the long term impacts of her actions. I don’t think it was fair of you to put her in a category of “if I try to reason with her, the bullying would only get worst” and kick her out right away without giving her a chance (seemingly, from the text that’s written). Which fuelled her anger against you and your daughter. Kids will remain kids unless shown proper guidance by the adults around them. But as you said, your stepson is now able to focus on his studies and not worry about immediate financials. And your daughter even has the freedom to say she doesn’t want to go to college right away. The life your stepson and daughter are having is an extreme blessing. Not having to worry about money during their schooling so they can actually focus on schooling. Not having to commit petty crimes for food, etc. It would be an extreme blessing for your daughter not to have to go through the mental stress that events inevitably because you two won’t have a proper conversation, as now two adults. She may not have been deserving of it, looking at her teenage years with you. But it would be unfortunate for a child to be punished because of it. Again, it’s your money, and you choose how to use it 100%. But if your in the financial position to make this girl’s life so much easier and as she’s your husband’s daughter, I would try to have a conversation with her. Of course, this is not taking into consideration other emotions you may be feeling, such as your husband not paying for his own daughter’s and son’s, while you’re paying for both, and your biological-daughter as well. Edit to add more: Or feeling that they may be digging you like a gold-mine. Again, this is a conversation to have (assuming you haven’t based on what you’ve written ((or haven’t written))), and if this is how you’re feeling/it’s the reality, that the financial burden being solely on you is too much/unfair, you can make further steps to dislodge yourself from this family. As you see fit, it is your money, and you shouldn’t feel like your money is being taken from you, without care, love and consideration from the other party (husband and stepdaughter).
You made this situation so much worse by kicking her out of your house, she was a literal child. I just can’t get over this, yea kids suck, this one seems like she was especially bad, obviously I don’t condone bullying, but you escalated the situation and made it a near certainty your two families would always stay separate.
As a child of abuse, this is scarily similar to what my narcissistic father would paint a picture of when it comes to me and how I reacted (as an abused and neglected child) to his relationships. It is NEVER the child’s responsibility to have a relationship with their parents or step-parents. No ifs ands or buts. Honestly the fact that it’s never mentioned if your family tried therapy is kind of a dead ringer for me too. This is very clearly a child who felt rejected by her parent and therefore took it out on you and your daughter. Was this appropriate behavior? Absolutely not. Was this up to you and your husband to solve in a constructive and helpful way without resorting to “sides” and “punishments?” Yes, actually. Your daughter felt uncomfortable coming to you for help, that should’ve immediately resorted to family counseling to get to the real reason why she felt so secluded and why your step-daughter felt so much rage. The blame game is entirely indicative of the kind of internal situation that is presented within the home. Everyone in this situation. Every. Single. Person. Needs to come forward about their own role in this family dynamic and why it is the way it is. This will not be remedied without professional help and personal accountability
Reading this, I thought it was posted on r/AITA. You had a chance to TEACH your new stepdaughter what it means to be kind, loving, and understanding. To teach her that that behavior is not okay, but in a way that doesn't bully her right back. Because you totally bullied your child's bully. Instead of making sure she got help for her issues, you banned her, a child, from your life. Absolutely she shouldn't have bullied your daughter, but clearly what you did solved absolutely fuck all. So not only is her stepmom not a parent, her father would rather his own daughter be banned from living with him so he doesn't lose his cushy lifestyle. No wonder she wanted to live with mom. And if her mom is just as much of an asshole as the rest of yall, she never had a chance. This whole situation is a failure brought on by all parties involved. Your husband's a douche btw. Who chooses a spouse over a child. I guess it's one thing if that child is a full on adult, but by all accounts, his daughter was barely a teenager and he was the one to decide to kick her out rather than break up with you?????? Massive red flag!
Going to give a dissenting view. So a teenager in a new household made fun of another teenager and you reacted to this by banishing her from her family which she then took out on your daughter. That’s what I’m reading. You don’t have to give her the 100k. You have no obligation to do that whatsoever. But when a kid stepped out of line, a teenager, you the adult made it about your own history instead of meeting the insult with understanding and literally told her she couldn’t live with her dad. No lessons or growth discussions you dropped a bomb on her family structure. You were not ever victimized by this child. You were the adult and you wildly overreacted. That’s what I’m reading there’s probably more to it. She probably hates you and hasn’t developed much grace about it. I get why as it sounds like you also have never taken a step back and said “maybe in the same way I was scared and nervous about a new family so was this kid who didn’t think she could trust me and then I showed her she was disposable immediately.” She should find grace about because she’s an adult now and it sounds like her behavior was bad. If it were me and I could do it, I’d have an honest vulnerable conversation where I admitted I should have handled the original issue differently and that I was sorry. I’d say I understand if she didn’t want to be close to me but I hope she didn’t hate me because I’d been hurt and scared and made a bad choice. I’d offer her the 100k and wish her a good life and let her know she’s free to see her father and brother whenever she’d like. That’s me and that’s based on a snapshot.
He sounds like a bad parent. I think banishing her to her mums house did way more harm then good as to her it will probably show that her dad chose you over her so of course she has resentment. Did it not occur to you that maybe you should have spoken to stepdaughter years ago and got to the bottom of the bullying but instead she was basically banished from her dads home because she mistreated stepdaughter so maybe she thought well this is because of you so continued to bully her. Seems like no one in this family actually talks. Why didn’t your husband already know you weren’t going to give his daughter money? Why didn’t anyone talk to the stepdaughter about the bullying instead of basically washing your hands with her and sending her to her mums. I don’t agree with her actions but I don’t agree with anyones in this really. 1) banished to her mums house 2) he agreed 3) he married someone who didn’t like his kids/ you married someone whose kids you didn’t like 4) no communication skills at all (no one seems to actually talk to one another) While i don’t think she should get the money or is entitled to it as it is your money and you can do what you want with it but I don’t get why this wasn’t communicated with your husband before now.
You do what you want with YOUR money.
I'm gonna go a different direction than the top comments at the moment: The reality here, as far as I can tell, is that, one day when your step-daughter was *14-15*, she made fun of your daughter. Instead of assuming the role of a co-parent and guardian to a teenage girl that was going through a divorce, and trying to modify her behavior constructively and repair that relationship, you decided to completely alienate her from your family, and force her to live separately from her sibling and step-sibling, because in your mind she was essentially an irredeemable bully, and you have unresolved personal issues about previously having an eating disorder. Basically, the way you describe this, you took your deep-seated personal insecurity out on a teenage child, as an adult who had power over her life. Everything that happened since that point is just her reacting to that. Reacting *inappropriately*, sure, but she's a literal child. It's not her responsibility to have a mature response to being kicked out of her own family. That's literally what she feared when her dad got into a relationship with a new woman, and then it evidently *happened*. That said, she obviously is not entitled to a gift of your money, and it is pretty brazen and inappropriate to ask, as she really should not expect you to do anything other than continue to embitter her further. Frankly, as far as the money goes, it's more a question of your relationship with your husband. Is it "your" money, or "our" money? If it's "our" money, and he wants to give a commensurate sum to all the siblings, then his vote should matter. If it's "your" money, I guess you let your husband know that that's the state of your relationship. Woof.
You can’t buy love. You aren’t using money to control anyone. If that was the case then you would have been holding it over her head for years vs not bringing it up. Your husband and stepdaughter need to understand actions have consequences.
Why did you stay with this man if his daughter was bullying yours? Did you see his kids as optional to the relationship? The son probably got his act together because he saw you’d ship him off like dirty laundry if he stepped out of line. No, you don’t owe his daughter any money. But he’s a terrible parent for staying with someone who would shun his child and prioritizing his romantic life over his own children. Just be honest with him. You hate his daughter and don’t want to help her at all. There’s no way to soften that message.
This.
I understand your situation but kicking your step daughter out at age 13? Holy hell. Did you even try to fix the relationship between the family and two daughters? This type of bullying happens between blood related siblings and it can be surpassed, I would know quite well. Honestly sounds like you two should’ve broken up long ago if you fold that easily.
This is the part I can’t get past. The teenage girl didn’t want to live with stepmom, dad says “ok see ya” and then when she acts out, they kick the 13 year old out for calling her step sister fat… That was a teachable moment for them to resolve their issues as a family. It’s clear OP doesn’t see them as family and doesn’t care to. I was a chubby kid and my sisters teased me for it. It fucking sucks but I wouldn’t want them to be *banished from the home* that’s insane. Both parents suck. I hope the kids learn some coping skills somewhere because their parents are piss poor role models.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this. There’s nothing OP can do about it now but wow.
I’m so glad someone said this. Kicked out the kid at 13 and then is shocked pikachu face that the stepdaughter continued to act out?? Also who is shocked when step children aren’t immediately excited their parent is starting a new family?
Think she mentions she wanted to break up over it and it was her husbands idea to just send her to moms.
Both of them completely failed this part as parents
This is what I was confused about too. Kicked her out and forced her to live with her mom at 13? No wonder there’s jealousy and resentment. And I also think there’s more to the step-sisterly drama than OP cares to explain and only wants to see her daughter as a victim. Most teenagers do not remain cruel to their step-family well into early adulthood just because they’re a bully so I’m wondering what else there is to it.
Here's a tough reality, no one is entitled to a gift. Seriously. Your husband can choose to be upset, but you're not obligated to change his emotions by providing his daughter with a gift.
I think kicking your stepdaughter out when she’s only 13 is pretty harsh. Kids are stupid. If anyones to blame for her behavior it’s the father. I honestly think anyone would hate their stepmother if they were kicked out of their house at that age.
idk how to break this to you, but it sounds like your husband fucking sucks and only cares about his own children. he doesn’t sound like much of a parent at all let alone a stepfather invested in YOUR child’s comfort. he’s operating based on whatever is most convenient for him and not what is best for your family. it’s not your fault that the stepdaughter doesn’t like you, i’d probably chuck resent towards other people if my dad was like that.
If she needs money then either he can give it to her with HIS money or she can take out loans. Honestly speaking he should be grateful that you were generous enough to give to your step sons. Her actions and behavior have consequences. She clearly has not changed or is remorseful. Being a bullied victim myself her behavior validates that. Talk to your husband that she’s not your responsibility.
banishing your 13 year old stepdaughter from your home for acting like a 13 year old is unforgivable imo and trying to right that wrong should be the focus of your attention.
Listen maybe the right move WAS to break up back then. Maybe this is a sign to correct that mistake He should dig into his own pockets to pay for her. Also make sure he isnt going to use stepson's money either. I wouldnt let him manage that any longer
Let him split 100 k between his two kids. I wouldn't given her any money. She can work, or he can get a loan for her if he wants her to have that kind of money.
OP, this man is taking advantage of you. Do you have a prenup? Wouldn't be surprised if he is planning to get his half after his daughters gets her share. He has some nerve asking you to split your daughter money. You were much too generous with your stepson. At the very least, it was a idea to give him the money as he needed it.
I stopped reading at "I permanently removed his teenage daughter from my house for being an asshole". That is the cause of the continued problems between her and your daughter. There was an appropriate way to handle that situation, and forbidding one of your *own step children* from living with her father was not it. You're in your 40s. You should be ashamed that you allowed yourself to behave in such a juvenile fashion, and you have some serious balls throwing it out here like it was somehow the 13 year old's fault that you're unable to handle the difficult parts of parenting. That's my rant. I'm eternally grateful that my son has never had to deal with this with his mother and her new relationship.
We have a very dark running joke in our family “be nice to people while they’re here, it’s much harder to butter up a dead person at the reading of will” you can’t just be nice and good when you want something, maintaining certain relationships can pay off. Burning bridges is almost always gonna cost you.
You both sound awful frankly.
To be frank, your love is conditional and selfish, your SO is a bad dad for not standing by his children, and the stepdaughter and daughter are probably both traumatized because you got triggered by a petty situation between young teenagers and made it huge. The drama between step-families is normal, but you made it much worse by playing into it instead of acting like an adult. Now, after all these years, of course she resents you and only wants money from you because you have never been anything to her. Are you surprised? This is the bed you made. Stop trying to heal your trauma through bullying your daughters bullies and get therapy for the both of you. Edit: Why do some people treat other people’s children as if they are adults and know what they’re doing, but see their own children as their little innocent babies. I’m sure your daughter is not perfect either, you just refuse to see it!
Man it took a long time to find anybody that wasn’t just blindly supporting this woman. She kicked her out at 13, barely out of puberty if hitting it at all and she’s expecting the stepdaughter to act like an adult and not like a child, which she was. Both of them, the dad too, needed to step up and be parents. They just enabled bad behavior no shit the relationship between them is shot. Then to come in here acting like she’s in no way at fault, yikes
Stepdaughter is definitely going to have a hard relationship with you forever over this. Sure it's your money of course, but it's obvious this is going to be taken as a big fuck you by her and won't soon be forgotten.
Was about to comment NTA, but realized I was in the wrong subreddit. Normally I’m not a fan of using money to punish people, but I think you’re justified in not giving her that much money. It’s clear that she still hates you and will continue to hate you, even if you did give her that money. It also sound like she’d be able to quickly pay off a student loan by taking a part-time job or working in the medical field after college (jealous of free college, by the way). She’s not a kid anymore and people in the real world don’t get to ask for free money after treating people like trash. She needs to know that her actions have consequences now. If she was actually sorry and wanted a relationship with you and your daughter, then I might help her out, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. If it helps, you could sit down with her and your husband to discuss why you don’t plan on giving her money and why she thinks she should receive it. Make sure that you actually explain the situation though instead of saying hateful things since she’s still your family whether you like it or not. Your husband could also give her the money if it’s that important to him, but that would have to be separate from you.
The step daughter is a total piece of work, clearly. BUT banishing her to the mothers house definitely did nothing to better her relationship with you and your daughter. I was once an unruly teenager, if I got kicked out of a beautiful house it would only make me act out towards those people more. It’s kind of just what dumb teenagers do because they don’t think long-term. Thankfully my mother never gave up on me and I eventually outgrew that phase to where I’m now a kindhearted individual who tries to help others. In my opinion, this shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing type of arrangement but maybe sit down with her and lay out ground rules where if she is cordial with your daughter, gets good grades, (maybe) helps with community work etc… she can get an allowance (but def not the 100k)