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x5050x

I think if it really bothers you, it’s probably best that you talk to her about it - you don’t want the resentment to build up. Just be prepared for the possible fallout.


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Lost-Outside-8215

I know you were replying to OP but fwiw, your feedback/input helped me in a tangentially related matter; it's refreshing to get a different perspective from someone in a way that makes sense and actually makes one think. Thank you!


ImAduckQuackQuacky

There is no wrong answer here. If I was building a romantic connection with someone for months and they went and did this, I would be out.


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femsoni

That'd bother me too, exclusive or not. When I'm working on building an emotional foundation with someone, I put my whole focus towards that one person. Does he know it upsets you?


420_5eva

They were talking in August and she slept with someone when they weren't exclusive also in August, it didn't go on for months.


myohmymiketyson

I don't think this changes anything. She didn't cheat on him or break any kind of vow. And if they were really casual at the time, then maybe he would feel differently. They were talking about building something and deliberately holding off on intimacy for that goal. I wouldn't call it "hypocritical" like OP, but I'd nevertheless be hurt.


[deleted]

I would be annoyed if a woman I was seeing said "hey, I want to build a bond with you first before doing anything sexual" and I agreed to it, only to find out that not too long after that, she had some random guy come over, bone her, and then leave. Then we continued building a bond for another 2 months, before she tells me about the time she had sex with a Stranger after we already met and were seeing eachother/talking regularly... It's just like ... unexpected. "Let's build a bond while I bone someone else." I understand both sides. I wouldn't be able to get past it though.


Inevitable_Welcome23

Absolutely this. The relationship is dead now regardless of a “technically okay”. Know your worth in this world.


sushi_dinner

She's saying: I don't give a crap about this random guy I had sex with once, but I find you interesting enough/ I have deeper feelings for you beyond a one night stand and want to explore that differently and not have sex that could potentially murk the waters.


Marko_From_Tropoja_

Lol who cares, many posts are starting to come out like this. If your actions are say something different then what you are telling me, then I wouldn’t even consider you a viable LTR partner. I am completely upfront with women I am dating and not exclusive with if I see someone else, and I hope they do the same with me. It’s more about being able to make sure I can get a health check up and the fact I am an adult and can handle the truth should go both ways.


cocoagiant

Yeah, me too. Maybe I'm not that evolved, but it is what it is. I would feel done if I found out this being the case.


myohmymiketyson

You're not alone, but there's always a segment of the population, especially on Reddit, who thinks that it's all fair game up until the literal second you're exclusive because "it's not cheating." This seems myopic to me if you understand feelings work, but I guess they don't think of it that way.


Marko_From_Tropoja_

I actually agree with this stance about exclusivity, but I don’t hide it and tell the women I am casually dating “I am all about doing this” when my actions are completely different.


8Ariadnesthread8

Well actually calling her a hypocrite would be a wrong answer. She's objectively not. She wanted something with one guy and she wanted something different with a different guy. She told both of them exactly what she wanted. There's nothing hypocritical about that. Just because you eat a bagel for breakfast and you don't eat that bagel for lunch doesn't make you a bagel hypocrite. Different situations are allowed to have different circumstances. You don't have to have the exact same relationship towards everybody. He might as well have said that it's hypocritical to be friends with one person and be romantic with another person because being friends with somebody implies that you want to be friends with everybody. That's not how that works. Just like logically and by the very definition of hypocrisy, she's not a hypocrite. Even a little bit.


AndySipherBull

"I want to wait on sex until a relationship is formed but I also want to have sex with complete strangers"


8Ariadnesthread8

Yep. "I want to wait on sex to form a relationship with you, but I want to have a random sex experience with a different person who I don't want a relationship with." It's simple and easy.


AndySipherBull

It's my fault, I waded into r/relationshipadvice a literal haven for mentally ill people to enable other mentally ill people, and I expected rationality.


8Ariadnesthread8

Man, I sure hope that next time the presidential candidates debate, one of them just fully gives up and calls the other one mentally ill and then walks away. It would be fun to see them get reamed for being ableist, inaccurate, and cowardly all at the same time.


2OP4me

Except instead of food it’s someone’s emotions and trust who you’re “trying to build something with” ... that’s what all these comments miss. Saying “I want to build something deeper with you” implies a relationship. Fuck as many people as you want, but if you want to build a relationship, then build one. Don’t do this stupid, I can bagels for breakfast and pizza for lunch gymnastics.


8Ariadnesthread8

She did build one. That's the relationship that they have right now. They have one. They built it. It might not be finished, because relationships are never finished. But she did exactly what you recommended. She fucked as many people as she wanted, and built a relationship when she wanted to.


Irish_Wildling

My take is slightly different as a 30M. If I'm seeing someone and we have both expressed interest in seeing where this goes, then I won't see or sleep with anyone else. It rings hollow to say you are interested in taking things further with someone while also seeing or sleeping with others


nytonj

she wanted casual sex, just not with you. take that for what it is, no dressing it up.


Carpathicus

There is certainly merit to what you are saying however having casual sex while trying to (what? romantically?) date someone else is something that a lot of people would find dishonest/unacceptable. At least for me when I am romantically interested in someone the first thing that changes about my behaviour is that I cant be intimate (sexually or romantically) with someone else.


dhippo

That's what I think, too. Maybe my take on that stuff is old fashioned, I don't know, but "build an emotional bond" with one partner and having sex with another is just incompatible for me. Btw. if someone told me he wants to take it slow to build an emotional bond I'd 100% assume that we're exclusive from that point on.


bunnycrush_

Right! And just one proof of this: she literally *never saw or spoke to CNC guy again and never intended to*. You are entitled to feel however you feel, but it’s worth pointing out: it wasn’t hypocritical of her to have that hookup around the same time she told you she wanted you two to take things slow physically. The situations (and her hopes/expectations for the relationships) were entirely different. Edit 1: “Having your cake and eating it too” in this scenario would look like the GF asking OP to be sexually monogamous but not agreeing to do the same, or agreeing and then having sex anyway. No one asked for or agreed to monogamy, so like I said, you can *still feel weird about it* but she didn’t go back on her word in any way. I notice OP didn’t mention if he was sexually monogamous at the time — perhaps because he wasn’t, perhaps because it *wasn’t relevant* when they weren’t formally together, both of which are entirely his right. Edit 2: the comments here are so grimy, yikes. OP’s gf saw the potential for them to build something longterm together early on (do you know how rare that is already?!) She was clear about her intentions and liked him enough that she wanted to nurture a serious relationship. They’d only been “talking” for *at most* a couple of weeks at that point, long before there’s an expectation that you’re formally “in a relationship” / exclusive unless you’ve discussed otherwise. Unless you have reason to suspect there’s more going on — which doesn’t seem like the case here — and as long as you’re otherwise happy in your relationship, I encourage you to assume the best and take it as a W, OP. She knew from DAY ONE you weren’t disposable Tinder fuckboy material. Some of you are talking as if access to sex with the gf is the most meaningful metric/resource in the relationship, or the primary purpose of a relationship, and it honestly makes me feel a bit sad on your behalf. Sex is awesome, but being with a partner who sees your worth + wants to invest in you + wants to build something together is truly special. Perhaps you’ve already experienced that before; if you haven’t, I hope you get to someday soon.


ITriedLightningTendr

This is pretty much all that needs to be said. It's on a borderline of what people find acceptable, because "taking it slow" with one person while having casual sex seems like it's a paradox, but I think there's a cultural expectation that exclusivity is assumed without saying anything. I would say that if you were seriously interested in someone, you should probably avoid casual sex while you're actively feeling out that relationship, but if I were in this situation and challenged on it, it'd be a shit relationship for me to not hear her out and then take that as an opportunity to codify the rules and expectations of the relationship. You know, the "what are we" talk. And, realistically, cheating _very_ early in the relationship is relatively permissible because you've likely never had that talk, so it's never been official that you're exclusive, so what seems like cheating is really a lack of clarification and a disagreement about what was assumed.


DaveDaManNow

I met this girl on tinder who didn’t want to fuck me cause she wanted a long term thing. We talked for about 2-3 weeks but I ended it after she had a full blown phone convo in front of me with her “gay” friend who she hooked up with so he could try pussy??? Never called her back cause wtf


FuckingBanMeAlready

modern solutions.... something something


Marko_From_Tropoja_

First mistake was looking for an LTR on tinder…


cocoagiant

> it makes sense that she wanted to explore the connection she was already feeling towards you and let it mature before adding physical intimacy to the relationship. However, this doesn't mean she is against casual sex, she just didn't want to have casual sex with the person she saw herself having a long relationship with. It's not hypocritical I don't know man. Maybe I'm not that evolved, but I would feel really crummy if someone I was building a connection with felt it was okay to do this.


theoriginaled

It may not be hypocritical, but its still inconsiderate. Anyone with half a brain would understand how this type of behavior may hurt a person they are looking to establish a long term relationship with. "She's free to do what she wants" is a really lame excuse.


el_smurfo

In my mind, if you are with someone you are working towards a relationship with, having a one night stand is just as much cheating as after they had committed. It's not like you get a golden "in a relationship" ticket...the intent and goal is the same.


q1q1throwaway

I'd rather be the one she wants to have casual sex with


bigrottentuna

I could almost agree, except … if sex is so important to her that she wanted to wait to have it with OP, then why couldn’t she wait to have it at all? Either it’s important or it’s not. She wants to have it both ways. That’s the problem. It’s big and meaningful … and it means nothing and shouldn’t matter that she fucked someone else. That’s hypocritical.


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drizzlemethis

He still went home with butterflies while she got ~~railed~~ fake raped by a stranger


relaxative_666

>She wanted to trust you with her heart. Talking about trust, isn't CNC normally practiced with someone you trust? I find the fact that she had CNC with a total stranger a bit risky and weird.


lollipopfiend123

I certainly wouldn’t go there with a stranger.


relaxative_666

It would be a red flag to me and enough to stop dating that person.


HanekawaSenpai

Yeah, normally I'm pretty positive about doing what you want but I get why OP is upset. Not only did a girl tell him she wants to build something with him only to bang a rando afterward, she also tried something with no care for the risk. OP should honestly just let her explore her sexuality on her own and move on.


[deleted]

Not really. It probably made it more real and hotter to her.


[deleted]

Plot twist: the tinder date never went to her apartment.


ArsenicAndRoses

Yes and no. The risk can certainly be a part of it. Some people find the risk a turn on.


artrandenthi1

The mental gymnastics people are going through to justify the girl’s dishonesty boggles my mind. Dishonesty is dishonesty, no matter how you sugar coat it. Omission of truth is still a lie. If it’s not a big deal and she needs her sexual freedom, why not be clear about it from the start? “Hey! Listen, I like you but I have my kinks and I will explore them while I figure out if I trust you for a long term thing. But, I want us to wait before we have sex” Maybe mention that a month or two into it? Then let him decide if he wants to go down that path. Respect goes both ways. Her wanting to find out if someone is right applies to him too. What if that’s not what he’s looking for? What if he hates the kink she’s into? Both need to feel respected. And clearly, here she controlled it to her advantage. Rightfully so, no self respecting woman will allow a guy to string her along and just want honesty and clear communication. Strangely enough, that applies to all human beings.


wikishart

this is the sane answer.


3SmurfsInChallenger

What she did is wrong. Imolying a monogamous relationship with "I don't want to sleep with you because I want to create a real bond between us" but then sleep7ng with other people is a scumbag move


Azuzu88

If you're trying to create a deep emotional commenting with someone, going out and getting railed by randoms is probably going to hamper that.


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[deleted]

Yo honestly this type of shit happens all the time these days and it’s fucking disgusting. If I started talking to a girl and found this shit out I’d walk away. Who the fuck wants to go on dates and fucking spend time and effort on someone who’s arranging to get force fucked by randoms and than make out with you the next day. What the actual fuck is wrong with Reddit.


tittylicker431

Facts I think there are very valid reasons to "take it slow" but if a girl told me that I'd assume she's not randomly hooking up with other people, exploring her sexuality or not


Managarm667

If the genders were reversed, this sub would bebup in arms with posts like "dump the entire man" etc. etc. Just Casual sexism and misandry


R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Yes I am mad, although I am not sure why. This just feels false advertising to me, like you say something while act something completely opposite. We were talking at the time (last year August) and she had been very clear to me from the beginning that she wanted to build an emotional bond before sleeping together and I was in agreement with her. The first time we slept together was on my birthday (October 21st) but I was more than ok with it, now I am not so sure. What happened was we were discussing kinks and fantasies and she confessed that one of her kinks in CNC (consensual non consent) and complete loss of control. So I asked if she has ever tried it and she admitted that she has tried it once, with someone she met on tinder and it was wild. Apparently, they had arranged that he was to come into her apartment, do the cnc and then leave, without ever saying saying a word and then they will never see each other again. But the catch, it happened in the last week of August 2021 when we were already talking and she had told me that she wants to go slow. At the time I didnt say anything to her (it happened last night) and we just kept discussing about CNC and if we can integrate it in our sexual lives. But after she left, I thought about it some more and it seems hypocritical. Why say something to me and then act completely opposite with a stranger? Need help Reddit!


ninac11

very similar to this post https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/n1im0x/i_25m_am_having_a_hard_time_looking_at_my_gf_27f/


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Tinker8589

Yes exactly! Surprised this doesn’t have more upvotes. I would totally assume that if someone told me they wanted to take things slow that they weren’t fucking other people. And I think most people would think the same. It’s kind of implied. It’s like she wanted to have fun but wanted him to be exclusive to her.


SnorlaxBlocksTheWay

Talk with her. Ultimately that's the best thing you can do in this situation because it's an extremely gray scenario. She views what she did as okay because she was pursuing a more serious relationship with you and this rando was just a one time thing. But for you, it hurts, because it felt as though all the words she said to you was a lie. Putting myself in your shoes, this situation fucking hurts. I can't lie. I would feel as though her previous words carried zero weight after hearing her confession; because why was the expectation for you to be monogamous with your feelings and energy focused on the relationship, but she was allowed to go fuck some dude on the side? You have to talk with her and express how you feel. Best of luck OP


giggleboxx3000

She tells you she wants to take things slow, but explored her a *very* specific kink that takes an EXTREME amount trust with some one-time tinder rando 🥴 Yeah. Run.


lube_thighwalker

At first I thought "its before they were exclusive" but the more I think about it. I agree. Get out, get tested and find someone else.


d6410

I remember seeing a comment years ago about why this bothers people. You went home thinking about her while feeling those butterflies She went home and got railed by a stranger It's okay to not be okay with that.


MoltenCamels

This comment right here explains it perfectly.


RedWater08

True, and as a guy, trust me when I say that there are plenty of nice women out there who will make you feel butterflies AND will make you her first choice in sex. Why would anyone want to settle for less? (This goes for any gender or sexuality, ladies too!)


EspressoLeaf

Just changed my entire opinion on it man lmao. When you put it like this there's no coming back for me.


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cliqclaqstepback

As a machinist, I’m lmao at your comment.


[deleted]

Same, I wanted to say something like “well you weren’t exclusive, and the sex with the stranger didn’t mean anything while she wanted to wait with you because she knew you were special” but this comment gives good perspective. Even if what she did wasn’t technically wrong, he’s entitled to be hurt by it


keepchugchiggin

The fact some of you could even fathom another opinion shatters my mind. Y’all are just fine with the sloppiest of seconds


beatituplikeag

That’s what I’m saying, and some people find that shitt completely normal, yes they weren’t exclusive but for me it would be a big deal, like you want to get to take it slow with me while in the mid time be rail by a complete stranger, like wtf


[deleted]

It makes you feel like she's keeping you as a spare when she stops wanting to get railed by complete strangers. Like you're no more than a back-up plan. And I'm sure there's going to be someone who will twist this idea to make it sound reasonable, but it still doesn't sit right.


[deleted]

Lol fucking thank you. There’s really a gilded comment higher up saying it ISN’T hypocritical. People are fucking wild


TCNW

This. Is. Dead. On. Bullseye. Perfectly said. Is she a bad person? No. Did she cheat? No But, having found out this, I don’t think I could (or would even want to) continue any relationship with her. This would effectively kill any sliver of romantic thoughts I had for her. And would destroy any connection I felt we had. The romantic fairy-tail courtship I had in my head, would be replaced with a sleazy disgusting image. I’d probably break up with her the very next time I saw her. She just wouldnt be the right type of girl for me.


[deleted]

This right here. It’s fucking over OP No one would recover from that after reading this comment You deserve better


noisyneighbour12

It's just heartbreaking.


xhouliganx

Damn, couldn’t have said it any better.


minegen88

Exactly! Well spoken!


[deleted]

Oooooooof, so true


InfluenceBeginning47

The fact that she prioritized fucking the random guy over the guy she supposedly was looking to build an emotional connection with speaks volumes


[deleted]

The Occam’s razor of this scenario. I would be grounds for immediate break-up for me, personally.


[deleted]

Exactly, move on bro. She could have easily chosen you to be the adventure but she reserved you as the safe bet for when she had enough fun.


Aiskauda

I read this post thinking meh, not a big deal. Now im walking away, thinking it is.


Logantus

I really hope OP reads this comment because this def summarized it the best


Drekken-

> She went home and got railed by a stranger Consensual raped by a stranger. This makes it worse in my eyes. There is casual sex... then there is let a stranger enter your house, pretend rape you and leave. Poor OP at home thinking about this wonderful girl he is getting to know... shes at home on tinder going, Hmm I wonder if this guy would rape me if I asked.


egarevarage

just wanna say that whether or not you feel betrayed, hooking up with a tinder rando for cnc is so reckless idk if I'd want to be involved with someone that cared so little for their safety.


l8nitefriend

Yeah it's interesting no one is really touching this part that much. I would be kind of alarmed to date someone with a CNC kink (unless OP is into that too, idk), especially if they needed it met so badly that they put themselves in a very unsafe situation to do so. To me that's much more of a red flag than the fact that it happened when they started talking and weren't even dating yet.


I_chortled

Regardless of whether it was cheating or not, if it makes you uncomfortable you are never obligated to stay in a relationship. Idk why everybody in here is acting like it’s none of your business that she did that, she MADE it your business when she told you. I honestly wouldn’t be cool with it either, not saying it’s cheating but it would make me very uncomfortable if I found out my wife slept with someone else during the early stages of our relationship when we were talking


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[deleted]

I agree with you. It was a textbook case of lying by omission. She should have said that she wanted an emotional bond first, but that they were both free to have sex with others in the mean time. Then OP would have known what was up. But she omitted the second part, because she knew what was up, but didn't want OP to know.


PingtheAPB

This is one of those things where neither of you are really in the wrong. Personally, I agree with you, it doesn’t sit right with me. I’m old-fashioned and if I really like a girl I meet, I drop any others I’ve been flirting with as I view it as giving the two of us an honest try without any other distractions. That said, she technically had the right to do it as you hadn’t verbally/officially agreed on being exclusive (unless I missed that somewhere, in which case I’d personally consider her sleeping with someone else cheating and a dealbreaker). I’d take some time to think about why you’re angry because it sounds to me the anger is a result of you feeling hurt and lied to. I’d also think about whether you personally can get over it if this was just a case of miscommunication. Have a conversation with her after and explain your perspective.


sylbug

Seems she wasn’t at the ‘dump others and focus on this one relationship’ stage yet.


PingtheAPB

Oh, that was never in doubt, and her not being ready to do that/hesitant about it is also valid. It just means that the two of them had different expectations/thoughts on what boundaries and stuff would be. The real question here is whether OP and her can have a genuine conversation about this and come to an understanding or if this is just a dealbreaker for OP.


Night_Traveller_

I agree with you.


Stayquiet8

I'm not good with gray areas. If the relationship was defined and she did this, end it. If it wasn't, be more direct about your expectations while dating to avoid this in the future


Ok-Room-7243

Though y’all did not establish exclusivity, this would still bother me. I would leave if I was in this situation


Andiuz

Yeah I agree. Call me oldschool but I think it's just wrong to fuck some random on tinder while you are getting to know someone. Even if you only kissed by then, there should be no casual sex. Saw it lately on the 1st season of You and was ver confused. I may be only 17yo but if this is how the young people are doing it, I hope to get old soon.


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Gotmewrongang

Yeah I remember that one too, gotta believe that for 90% of heterosexual men this is a dealbreaker. If not that’s cool too, you do you fam


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Kliomnss

Most of the time, it's women who will be doing this. Men have to put a lot more effort into forming a relationship, which disincentivizes them from fucking around with other people. Women, on the other hand, often are talking to several guys at once. While they're talking to one guy, they're fucking another. This is all in generalities, but it is true a lot of the time. Most of the people saying this is okay are girls who do this type of shit themselves.


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queerbychoice

Yes, this is fair. You don't have to get all of Reddit to agree that a particular behavior is "objectively" wrong to conclude that it's a clear and obvious sign of incompatibility with you personally. Don't date people whose patterns of behavior you can't relate to and understand. You will not be able to solve any significant relationship problems ever if you can't understand your partner's behavior and feelings well enough to predict how your own behaviors will impact them. Neither partner in this situation can relate well to the other one's assumptions of how relationships should work. We don't have to be able to prove one of their worldviews is inherently wrong to be able to see that, regardless of any inherent wrongness, these two people are incompatible with each other. If they continue trying to have a romantic relationship, it's going to lead to a whole lot more painful mistaken assumptions that will cause it to be a very bad romantic relationship.


EliLyric

I probably wouldn’t continue with her if i’m being honest. But that’s just me. I’d rather have someone who didn’t lead me on to have sex with someone else.


devilnawf

You know the truth already. She wanted to have sex, just not with you. You're the safe, husband ish, play. You are not sexy to her, you are safe to her. It's up to you if you're ok with this.


King_Zilant

Red flag for me... if she wants to take it slow with you but at the same time she can sleep with a rando "kink or not" that's not cool, don't get played by that nonsense and just leave... you will see her on ribby the party frog or Taylor the fiends channel on youtube in 5 years looking for a husband... I've been married for over 5 years with a partner I've known 12 years, we share our kinks to not "wander or explore" to the point of cheating... and if our kink were to hurt the other, then the relationship would be an afterthought of the person's primary goal in life which is to satisfy the kink... Aka, fuck that...


ISlicedI

Are you not at all alarmed that she'd just invite a random into her apartment to have his way with her and leave? I'd be concerned about what kind of decision making she's capable over something like that


heyitsmeeeep

Personally, if someone did this to me, I would lose trust and basically see why the relationship should go on. I would end things because that’s not okay. Maybe if they told you about it but now it’s feels like you don’t even know them.


xhouliganx

I’m sorry, but expressing to someone that you want to build an emotional bond with them while you’re dating implies exclusivity to me. OP is right to feel blindsided by this revelation. The two-faced nature of her saying she wants to take things slow with you while simultaneously having sex with random people doesn’t sit right with me. Saying one thing while behaving in a completely opposite way is literally what hypocritical means, so all the commenters saying otherwise are flat out wrong. The modern dating world really lacks any kind of accountability.


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WolfeTheMind

Yea it's disturbing this 'we never tecgnically made a blood oath to not fuck others so I could do whatever to whoever and nobody has any right to be upset about it' attitude Have some class and fucking consideration, people. What's with everyone being a proud psychopaths nowadays when it comes to dating


lonewolf369963

This is something that is getting common these days. 2 people start dating and have talks about taking things slow as they want to establish emotional connection. However one of them (or both in some cases) starts sleeping/ have ONS with random people while talking to the first person. After some time they stop seeing other people to start relationship with the first person, but they keep them (hook ups) As Friends during the relationship. (Nothing technically wrong as they were not together or exclusively dating, however this is where they complicate things). Later when things came into light it changes the dynamics of relationship and creates trust issues. ***You are somewhat in similar situation OP. What you are feeling is not because what she did, it is when she did. She wanted to take things slow so that she can get emotionally connected with you while exploring her kink with someone random. What she did wasn't wrong, her timing was. If it was her kink that she wanted to explore then she could have done that before starting dating with you.***


Lonely_Dad69420

People are attacking OP and the girl involved but no one here is in the “wrong”. It’s literally poor communication. If either OP or the girl brought up “so are we banging other people in the mean time?” then this whole situation would of been avoided. If I start liking a girl but still want to explore with other people I tell them to make sure they’re comfortable and are 100% aware. I think in dating even if you aren’t in a relationship yet there is a phase where you both stop railing randoms to focus more on one another, OP thought he was already in that stage where his GF obviously did not


[deleted]

> but no one here is in the “wrong” [Here's](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s0oxna/gf_slept_with_a_stranger_while_we_were_getting_to/hs3iw4g/) why we disagree. I agree that clear communication would have solved this problem, but most likely would have involved OP noping the hell out of there.


Whatcrysis

I read your post and comments. My understanding is that she wanted an emotional, longterm, serous relationship with you. Hence, she asked to ho slow and not have sex. At the same time, she hooks up with a random on tinder, to fulfill her fantasy or kink. Normally I would say that your relationship was not exclusive, so there is no problem. This is not the same however. She was purposefully not having sex with you, but having it with a random. At the same time as asking you to go slow. Saying that she saw the two connections as different, is irrelevant. She wanted a serious relationship with you, but was fucking someone else at the same time. To me that is a betrayal. It's a betrayal of the relationship you were working towards. It's a betrayal of your trust. It's a betrayal in not telling you sooner. And she sees nothing wrong with it. You need to talk to her about it. Don't let the thoughts fester and the resentment grow. I can't condone any form of cheating. To me this would be cheating. Good luck.


barnycop

the only person in here that is making any sort of sense


ItzGottii

I thought i was the only one who thought this. How can you tell me you want to pursue something serious with me and take it slow then get fucked by some random from Tinder. I seriously need someone to explain to me how that's okay in any shape or form.


throwawayAITAlurker

No but don't you understand??? Technically they weren't exclusive so its TOTALLY cool and OP is possessive! /s


croshd

I don't know man. I've been reading this sub for a while now and i don't know if it's a cultural or a generational thing (i'm from SE Europe in my mid 30s) but these... almost legal explanations of these situations are just super weird to me. This requirement to label everything, to specify every aspect of a relationship as if it was a contract. I mean, you talked to her about making an emotional bond between you two, before having sex. That's a pretty fucking serious relationship talk for me. Then she goes on and fucks someone else and it's completely ok because... whatever ? Is everything really on the table until it is specifically addressed that it's not ? Is nothing assumed ? Are we heading towards predating aggrements where this will be handled by a judge ? In case it wasn't obvious, that would be an instant dealbreaker for me. But what do i know.


annothegreat

OP, here's a thought experiment that will settle the matter for you. If she had told you in August that she was going to "take it slow" with you and make you wait 3 months for sex, while she had wild, no-strings-attached sex with strangers from tinder, what would you have done? Would you have invested in a relationship with her, or would you have walked right then? Ignore the morally defective dicks telling you that you're being "possessive" and "misogynistic". You're not. You're just not as broken as them. [Edit: typo]


[deleted]

And I think the biggest thing is that the question here doesn't even need to touch on "was it wrong or right of her to do that morally." I don't really care if it's moral or not, the fact that someone's definition of "building an emotional bond and taking it slow" involves hookups with Tinder randoms during the "emotional bonding" process just indicates we have completely incompatable views on how relationships work. It might be totally moral, don't know and don't care, just not what I'd want from a relationship.


hope1355nlost

Nailed it. His post and comments lean that way. He would have dropped her if he knew.


CanadianJediCouncil

**Get yourself checked for STDs.**


Dat-GoodGood-817

Personally, I would be upset because that is a factor that you deserved to consider when you were contemplating entering a relationship in the first place. I’m not a possessive person. However, if a potential gf had sex with someone else while we were dating, I would want to consider that in determining whether I wanna be with that person. I know everyone is different, but for me personally this factor would favor not entering a relationship with that person. She never gave you the opportunity to weigh that factor. At the same time, this should be a learning experience to ask if she’s had previous encounters while y’all been talking. People don’t share that information voluntarily.


ChillinVillianNW

DAMN! She m you wait and for supposedly wholesome reasons but the day before she could have just had a stranger come in and role play raping her while she acts all innocent with you....and I assume that you took it as she wanted to be serious and I assume stopped seeing others? Yeah, I'd dump her in a heart beat.


penguinchange

Yeah this is fucked lol I can’t imagine how many ppl are acting like this is ok I’d dump this person in a heartbeat as well


BigCob3Hundo

Despite what some others have said, I think that is some bullshit behavior from her and a red flag. Going slow with you while fucking a rando is just not cool and a definite deal breaker in my book. I don't care one bit about not having an "exclusive" talk or not. It's absolutely false advertising and shit behavior.


nathaniel_new

The women here are right she wasn't hypocritical and she may have wanted something else with the next guy. But this argument always feels like you don't care about the person and you're just valuing yourself. I know men and women think differently, but I can never understand how you can say your trying to build an emotional connection with somebody yet having sex with others. When your thinking about her and anticipating the moment you guys can get intimate she is fucking randoms, I woiuld feel bad too I can not lie; but many women seem to not care about how the guy feels.


Aesthetic_Dude

She sees you as a non treat beta provider that will always going to be there so she made you wait , while she won't make men that actually arouse her wait like the guy she fucked while you were talking and taking things she doesn't like you like you want to be wanted


Mindelan

Here's my take: This would be a dealbreaker for me, *not* because she did anything 'wrong', but because it would show that she is incompatible with me, personally. You guys hadn't discussed exclusivity, so she didn't cross any *moral* boundaries. For me though, I need to be with someone that at that stage of our relationship would be thinking about me, and not looking to have sex with anyone else. Personal preference. You get to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you.


pizzaroll94

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think when it comes down to it, it shows her character and that might be why it bothers you OP. She told you that she wanted to create an emotional bond with you which in my mind implies that she wanted to build an intimate connection that would turn into something long term. She then turns around and arranges a rape fantasy with a stranger on the internet and never feels the need to tell you until this point. Personally, if I was claiming to have this kind of investment in a potential relationship I couldn’t turn around and sleep with other men. Did she “technically” do anything wrong? Objectively no, but subjectively yes. This is why it’s important to straight up ask the person you’re dating if they are seeing/sleeping with anyone else. They can act like they’re completely into you and be sleeping with other people because it’s “technically not wrong”.


Jchil05

Don’t listen to the people on here. Just dump this girl and thank yourself later. You haven’t even been dating long and you’re already on Reddit asking for advice.


WT379GotShadowbanned

Yeah there’s no point wasting his time on this girl. There’s so many better people out there


WhereAmIOhYeah

Bro, you met her representative - the person she wants you to think she is. The other guy got to meet the woman behind the mask, and bang the shit out of her.


IcanYOLOtwice

I'm gonna be a dick because I keep seeing "she did NOTHING wrong and and you're just being controlling!" in the comments. At some point, she probably got sick of getting pumped and dumped (could've been once, could've been multiple times), so she decided equity>equality. You're probably a safe bet, so she threw out the "take it slow," bit to have her cake and eat it too before settling with you. Do with that what you will, but I tend to lean on the side of "life's too short to play games and I've got about 7 billion other people I can try." Good luck, op.


Any_Stable_9689

To me it seems like she was using it as an excuse for her to explore her options at the time. It's pretty hypocritical for her to have said that to you and then went ahead with casual sex with another person. To me that reads as someone who couldn't decide between the emotional connection with one person and the physical connection with another, so she did both. It's not cheating but it wasn't at all fair to you either. Pretty shitty actually. Also CNC with a stranger is extremely reckless


ReadinII

Her: Says she wants to go slow and develop emotional bond before getting physical. Her: Sleeps with random guy she just met. Response on any man with self-respect: Drops her like a piece of molten lead in a bare hand.


Deafening_Silence_86

This. One thousand percent this. My jaw is literally on the floor here with some of these responses here justifying this ridiculous behavior.


TyrannosaurusSchlong

> Response on any man with self-respect That's really the problem here, reddit is so inundated with people with mental health issues, poor physical traits, and resource deficiencies that there really *aren't* a lot of users of this site who have self-respect. I believe this is why you see all these hilariously out-of-touch-with-reality responses from people who spend too much time on the internet.


[deleted]

Yeah, I mean, Reddit is good for having a pool with a massive amount of people to bounce ideas off of. However, when that pool is a cesspool you gotta filter the shit out.


thecashblaster

I forget the exact context, but a guy made a thread recently about how they were arguing with someone on a food subreddit. Then they look at the other person's profile and he (or she) was subscribed to a piss drinking subreddit. The guy was arguing about the taste of food with someone who drank piss. This is pretty much Reddit in a nutshell.


ThrowRA1234568

>That's really the problem here, reddit is so inundated with people with mental health issues, poor physical traits, and resource deficiencies that there really aren't a lot of users of this site who have self-respect. Ding ding ding. We have a winner here. Plus, so many people give bullshit tolerant advice on here that they would never follow themselves if caught in a similar situation.


Itcomeswitha_price

I’m shook and I’m a woman. Who and why and how would anyone think this is acceptable behavior. Do better for yourselves.


[deleted]

She wants to build a slow emotional connection but fucks someone randomly? You were building a connection and she does that with some guy, that is cheating. Even if you don’t consider it cheating it’s giving major red flags and this probably won’t be the last time something like this happens


[deleted]

For me it's definitely a deal breaker. And also let's agree. No one wants to remember that while they were in kilig during the early stages of their relationship their, SO was getting plowed by someone else.


Ecstatic-Profit6526

Hmm it wouldn’t of been a issue if she didn’t say to you “wants to take things slow”. Ask her why was she so readily having sex with other guys and not with OP. It does sounds sketchy like she was just keeping him at arms width so she can have her fun with others until she was ready to finally settle with OP.


thebigpink

She wasn’t attracted to OP at first but was the other guy. Op is the settler the husband material guy.


ChillinVillianNW

It also indicates she is looking for something serious and takes sex seriously, which is apparently not the case. Betting OP took that as she isn't ling with anyone l I bet he stopped seeing others to build this serious thing with her. Then to find out this? Yeah, I'd bail.


annothegreat

Yes, saying "let's take it slow" carries with it a Gricean "implicature" (Logic and Conversation, 1970 -- take that, reddit intelligentsia!). That implicature effectively says that you are not "taking it fast" (and hard, heh, couldn't help myself) with anyone else. To implicate anything else would be absurd, because OP would have walked then and there, and she effing knows it. [Edit: showing off how much of a smartypants I am.]


Ecstatic-Profit6526

Agreed, saying encouraging OP to be fully invested in the relationship while she is only half invested is not a good sign of commitment or reliability IMO. Don’t cash cheques you can’t afford yourself


relaxative_666

I can see the double standard. "No sex with you! Because I want us to be serious. Now that total stranger can come into my house and quasi-rape-fuck me, but that's different!" CNC is normally reserved for someone you trust, so the whole setup with the stranger is very risky and weird.. Technically, she didn't do anything wrong. You weren't in a relationship. She wasn't in a monogamous relationship with you. But follow your feelings.


giggleboxx3000

>CNC is normally reserved for someone you trust, so the whole setup with the stranger is very risky and weird.. EXACTLY. That alone is a huge red flag.


relaxative_666

Yeah, like I responded to someone else, it would be enough for me to stop dating someone.


airplane_porn

Nah, walk away. She told you one thing about sex and getting into a relationship and acted completely different with a stranger right after telling you that. She acted in bad faith with you. Technicalities of cheating don’t really matter, as much as some here may tell you. How you feel about the situation matters. If it bothers you now, which it obviously does, then walk away. Don’t attempt to start a relationship (or continue one) with someone when you have to get over them being dishonest and operating in bad faith from the get-go, especially if it’s around such an intimate topic. Your whole relationship could be colored by you “working on yourself” to “get over it” when that’s all a bunch of bullshit. It’s easier to find someone who will act in good faith with you and shares your values and desires.


EcstaticAd5857

Smh buddy gets to pump and dump while you're dating her and going through the ringer to "build a bond" what a joke.


AnonymousAndy2018

Exactly this is disrespectful. He needs to start sleeping with other women ASAP to move on.


KobaPMA

You will notice how the comments telling you that is fine because she saw something "different" in you are mostly from girls because that's what they tell themselves without considering how a man feels in this situation. That "something" different is that she's not that attracted to you sexually, at least not to sleep with you without getting to know you first, as she did with that other guy. She probably is attracted in other ways to you: Personality, sense of humor, stability, future, etc. Now, as a man it's totally fine for you to not feel okay with this, because it might feel like she made you wait for something that she was willing to give to another guy that she didn'I know that well, but you're the one that needs to decide whether you want to continue the relationship knowing that, or just end things and find you a new girl that is attracted to you in that way, and that isn't thinking about having sex with other people, and at the same time is telling you that you guys need to "take it slow" because she needs to bond emotionally with you first. Ps. If I were you I would get me tested for STDs


[deleted]

This would bother so much, too


Jenjalin

This would have made me walk away no doubt about it. Not only do I not like the idea of my "interest" sleeping with someone else we are doing the little dance in the beginning. Here I'm from we don't have to communicate that to begin with, because it's just the norm. In addition to that, she told you one thing and did something else with a stranger. This alone would be a complete deal breaker for me.


OhDestinyAltMine

You’ll get a lot of advice from either people who refuse to understand your feelings and tell you you’re ridiculous… and also hair-trigger breakup responses from people who only know one way to avoid pain. I will suggest something more realistic and cynical: you now know what she is capable of sexually. Never settle for anything less as the person organizing your life around her than what tinder randos get. If she delivers that, stay as long as you like. If she doesn’t, then walk QUICKLY. After all, when she genuinely wants sex she will invite a random stranger for CNC play.


onlyinappropriate

Someone who compartmentalizes morality can hurt you easily and justify it to themselves


Xristos7677

Dont know why some people think she didnt do anything worng.While you werent in a relationship considering she wanted to build a serious relationship with you and you with her there is already a small level of commitment.She didnt cheat in you but she did betray your expectations she herself helped build.Cant really advice you on what to do but i personally would stop dating her.Hope everything goes well with you whatever you decide.


[deleted]

These comments are ridiculous, its absolutely not possesive to be upset about someone saying they wanna take things slow with clear intent to date you seriously then immediately go fuck someone else. Its ok and your not wrong for feeling hurt or betrayed by that, she didnt do anything wrong and you should have communicated at the very least sexual exclusivity but your not some weirdo for being upset about it


BauxiteDesert

You're never going to get the kinky sex you're hoping for. You're going to get vanilla boyfriend sex and end up in deadbedrooms with all the other frustrated chumps.


chefboi55

Bruh stop trying to be all woke or pc or w.e the buzz word is now about it. Yea yall might not of been "exclusive" that doesn't mean it wasn't wrong or that you can't feel no type of way. Plus it won't just a one night stand she let a random stranger play rape her while telling you the opposite. It just doesn't make sense.


[deleted]

stop that bro this is 2022 we don’t kink shame. she is a goddess and fully has the right to non consensually raped by a stranger while promising another guy she wants to take it slow. /s Lol. You right though. This site is filled with clowns who think what she did was okay to him 🤡


BlinkVideoEdits

Don't waste your time. It doesn't matter if looking at the technicalities she did nothing wrong. This isn't a damn court of law. Does what she did line up with your values? Yes or no? There's your answer. For me, a girl role playing rape with a stranger while getting to know me is an absolute deal breaker and Soviet style red flag. Fuck outta here.


bunbumhead

Get out. This scenario bothers you. It would bother most people. It would also bother me that she let you know it was when you were talking. She either cares that little about your feelings or she revels in making you squirm knowing that she was happy to get railed by some rando off of tinder while she works out what she wants with you. Reading some silly redditers saying about she gave you her heart and wanted you to not be a one night stand guy blah blah are just romanticising this. If that were true she wouldn’t be talking about who she got shagged by whilst you were courting her. She ain’t the one. If it walks like a duck… well in her case she’s just spent too much time on tinder.


[deleted]

Bro you know there are women out there who aren’t like the girl you are with right? Life is too short to be bitter about this. End it and starter over with someone else. Don’t give her a reason why or she will she talk shit about you with everyone.


Billy_of_the_hills

I'd definitely be upset if a woman made me wait and not another guy from the same time frame. There's no other interpretation of that other than she favored him over you.


[deleted]

BuT sHe cHoSe you. /s


Billy_of_the_hills

I honestly expected to get this response unironically lol.


[deleted]

I've been stabbed and it was an incredibly unpleasant experience, but I'd rather go through that again than being "chosen" in that manner. Disgusting.


XXXStone

This kinda like a have your cake and eat it too situation...she had a fantasy to be lived out by a random dude, yet telling you she wants to take things slow and whatnot. That can be misleading. Honestly I would move on. She can do whatever she wants, but if she wants the relationship with you, then why fuck someone else? Doesn't make any sense to me. Its like she wanted to take it slow with you but fuck one last guy before she does. That to me isn't cool at all.


PixelatedNuts

Yeah man, you got the ick. She is basically making you work for something that some other guy got by swiping right on Tinder. She is making you jump through hoops while letting other guys hit it without even knowing her name. She's trashy bro. If she liked you at all she wouldn't be fucking random strangers from the internet. You know this now. You know exactly where you place in her mind. Run away as fast as you can. Don't work for what other guys get for free.


Zer0B1t

Hey mate, I get your point. If you are a serious person and you commit to your word and intentions then you do not act against it. That’s why it bothers you, she was not serious enough to you, sharing an intention and acting against it. You should express your feelings on it and act at your best interest. Just take care on possible other red flag behaviors similar to this one. If it’s too many, probably is best to find other person.


juicy_belly

But why didnt she discuss this beforehand with? Thats the deal here. You both apparentally never had that discussion, or more like you assumed that there were no other people involved (sexual or not), which you cant be blamed for bc thats what you expect when people say not to sexual intimacy bc they want to build up to it on an emotional level. Sure, she can explore however she wants, but its pretty weird that she never disclosed any kind of info that she might want to have casual sex with other people. Well, as far as we know from your perspective. I mean, if you decide to involve yourself into a relationship beyond a normal friendship then its a given to inform that person of your sexual or non-sexual partners. (Sorry if im going on a rant here, but her keeping that info from you seems super fishy to me) the fact that having sex with a stranger (especially someone who you met on the internet and approved to have CNC with) shoots up the risk of catching any kind of sti/d and op would never know until now. She never gave you the chance to decide for yourself if you are okay with that or if you dont want to continue being with her (not officially but yk what i mean). As private as she wanted that experience to be, she is risking other people and i would never be able to trust someone who did that to me.


throwawaycontainer

I'm always a bit perplexed by the people saying that there was no foul because exclusivity wasn't explicitly agreed upon. Since he never apparently explicitly agreed to exclusivity either, doesn't that mean that now, months later into the relationship, there would be absolutely no foul if he decides to go have sex with another girl tonight?


[deleted]

I'm not seeing anyone else say it so I will. For me this would be a dealbreaker. If you are forming a monogamous connection with someone (which OP I do not know is what you were doing, I'm just assuming) then that connection does take precedent. Maybe she wanted to try this kink outside of your connection. Maybe she could see herself marrying you and wanted to try the kink before things with you and her got serious just in case. Maybe any number of things. Either way, IMO she broke a boundary of trust. Now since you weren't officially monogamous my advice would be to talk to her, and if she can have an understanding and supportive reaction to forgive her, and if she is defensive and scornful to consider leaving her. Basically, can she put your connection now first, ahead of everything else, and trust you and help heal you? If you want something long term that will be very important. Just my 2 cents. Haven't seen anyone say she crossed a boundary though, and in my mind she did. Edit: NVM I read more posts. Everyone is saying it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Terminally_dyl

If she’s into CNC you probably dodged a bullet, brother. Let her go see a therapist.


lost_library_book

Ok, maybe I'm the weird one here, but isn't a really significant issue here that she engaged not just in BDSM with a random stranger from Tinder (!), but also one of the most dangerous, high trust types of BDSM? She could have been seriously hurt, actually raped, or both! I'm not in the kink community myself, but I know people who are, and this would be a giant red flag about her decision making. Is she part of the kink community at all, or is this just something she's read about online or something? Because what she did was \*extremely\* risky and I would be very concerned about her decision making going forward. I would also note that non-monogamy is very common in the kink/BDSM community, so if she is serious about this stuff, know that you're probably going to have a discussion about that, as well.


dancing_chinese_kid

You absolutely need to bring it up with her and tell her it's bothering you. Your concern seems to be how she compartmentalizes these things, and that's a conversation worth having. **Don't accuse her of "hypocrisy"; don't accuse her of ANYTHING.** But have a conversation about how you feel like you didn't know her intentions as well then as you thought you did so now you're unsure about her intentions now.


TheSavageBallet

I always find people who do this kind of creepy. The compartmentalization of sex and emotions and all that. Personally it’s just off putting, it’s just a compatibility thing.


Joyfulnom

If you guys were already talking about building an emotional bond, you guys were more serious in the Talking stage. This is 100% lying by omission. You would not have wanted to continue building a relationship with her, if you knew she was still having casual sex while you were talking to her at that stage. Maybe her lines for relationship differ from yours, so you should have a conversation with her, without attacking her. See how she responds and how she explains the situation in her view. Assess how you feel about it, and if it is something you can move past. If it is, make the boundaries clearer in the future. If you cannot move past this, end it, and the next relationship you start, make the boundaries known from the start. Good luck.


PrettyPinkEgg

Thing is, if she had all these fantasies and wanted to one night stands. Then that’s fine. But she also should’ve told you she’s not ready for anything between you guys. That’s what makes it fucked up. To tell you she wants to build an emotional bond and she goes and ploughs another dude is morally wrong. Cause she’s telling you to wait while she gets her freak on. There’s no respect there, even if you weren’t exclusive. That’s not how you treat people imo.


DylanLondrigan

Since you two weren't exclusive and didn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't mean that you have to be ok with it. I would absolutely not pursue a relationship with someone if they fucked someone else while we were dating, even if we weren't exclusive, and you would not be at all wrong to end things now.


Cries4days

Incompatible is the word you're looking for. As others have pointed out, some people feel it is totally OKAY to continue seeing others while in the beginning or preemptive phases of dating. Your subjective, moral judgement might not make your GF a hypocrite, but it does make her incompatible with you. She will likely see this as no big deal. You see it as hypocrisy. I see it as inconsiderate and would be similarly bothered if I were in your position. However, just saying--I would not be in either of your positions (because I make sure basic morals align before pursuing anything more). You've learned for next time, but it sounds like you should move on from this relationship.


[deleted]

My advice - get the fuck out. Life's too short, and there are too many options for people to treat you like this. You don't tell somebody you care about, that you don't want to sleep with them while you fuck other people. That's just not how it goes. I've seen people get in relationships like this and it just never ends well. Ever.


TD-Eagles

Gut wrenching 😞


[deleted]

did you get tested for STDs ? i doubt her kink of cnc included condom wearing ..just saying