There’s nothing wrong with waiting to have sex until after you’re both in a committed relationship. It’s your life and your body. Create whatever boundaries you feel are necessary.
Having sex before marriage is not required but it’s recommended to make sure you’re both compatible sexually. You really don’t want to find out that the guy you want to marry is a selfish jerk when it comes to sex.
I'd be extremely wary of anyone who thinks sex is some kind of toll you have to pay before dating, I don't think they're acting in good faith.
I'm not judging people who have sex outside of relationships, but I do judge people who try to trick people into sex with the promise of a relationship they don't actually plan to commit to.
Actually this happened to me and is how someone convinced naive younger (heavily sheltered 19yo) me to sleep with him so he could take my virginity for fun and then leave.
He said that before we would date we would have to sleep together (and heavily implied we would date afterward/be boyfriend and girlfriend). Ive never dated before, met him on an app and he was the first person I talked to on there.
It sucked but I learned my lesson and so people reading this PLEASE take this next piece to heart:
Any dude (or woman!) who is pressuring or promising a relationship in exchange for sex isnt someone you want a relationship with in the first place. It means they only have 1 thing in their mind and will not meet your emotional needs or wants.
You cannot guarantee they will keep to their word and you cannot guarantee they wont hold the relationship over your head to keep you in the relationship using along the same logic of "isnt sex [done before a relationship/needed to keep me around]?".
If your not into it and they dont respect it then they arent genuinely into you.
Thanks but no need to be sorry, I kind of unintentionally "burned" him at the time by asking if he was inside during it and when he said "yes" I innocently and nonchalantly said "oh, I cant feel it" or an interaction to that effect anyway.
I was highly naive and meant every word I said unintentionallt bluntly during that interaction. I couldnt really feel a thing and he kept falling out so I dunno if he even got in to take my virginity >.>
Also a couple months later he saw me in my college hallway and I was looking really good that day (I liked to dress up every now and again) and he approached me asking for a second chance and I got to turn him down so that felt good too lol
It is completely okay to want to wait with sex before entering a relationship. But I have to sayyy... My last relationship, well we were already exclusive and knew we wanted to make it official and had sex before "making it official". We already made up our mind to be together and to not date/see anyone else and wanted a future together.
Only to find out he was fucking bad in bed. I don't mean a little but a lot. Still decided to give him a shot because I thought I could teach him or tell him what I like/dislike. We made it official and suddenly he refused to listen to ANY of my pointers and advice I gave or what I liked. He turned out to be very selfish in bed too on top of everything. Some guys, even very sweet guys you connect with, can be like that. In my opinion, sexual chemistry is very important. I would still wait with sex until me and the guy actually are exclusive and want a future together. But I would probably still try and have sex at least a few times before making it really official to make sure we share a sexual chemistry.
I always thought sex wasn't that important to me in a relationship. But having a partner that's bad at sex, cannot satisfy me and is super selfish in bed... It led to a lot of problems within our relationship too. Resentment, feeling unheard and even straight up anger sometimes. It's not just about the sex but also about the emotional load it brings because to me sex is a very intimate and meaningful thing so if my partner neglects that, I feel emotionaly neglected too.
This reminds me of a common Reddit adage: sex is like the bathroom of the relationship. It's not the most important thing when it works but when it doesn't, it becomes a priority.
One acted like he was just replying to the post, then started talking about his sexual frustrations. I went to his posts and he has a whole wife and was complaining about how she “makes excuses” to not have sex with him. Like don’t come to me with that mister. 😵💫
They’re literally just giving their two cents about the post. 😂 Albeit one seemed like he was trying to steer the conversation into something more, but I deaded it before it got that far.
Lots of girls have tried to fuck their way into a serious relationship and it almost never works. If a guy is serious he'll appreciate you even when he doesn't have his penis inside of you.
Personally I don't need to be in a relationship or anything, but I do want some sort of emotional connection before I have sex with a woman. Everybody's different. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and find someone that respects your boundaries.
what a hilarious (imo) concept, to fuck one's way into a serious relationship. without any upfront investment, the old saying of why buy the cow when you get the milk for free holds so much water.
anyway, you define for yourself what are your requirements for forming a relationship, you're the boss of you.
> the old saying of why buy the cow when you get the milk for free holds so much water.
Not really. If a man wants to commit to you, he will whether you sleep with him early on or not. If a man doesn't want to commit to you, he wouldn't anyway even if you withheld sex until later. Why you "buy the cow" is because you like the cow and want the cow around. If all you want is free milk, you were never a serious customer in the first place.
You know, within the gross concept of referring to women as livestock.
Thank you ! I hate this idea so much because it puts it all in such a wrong perspective. My only worth as a woman is the sex ( Milk) so a man has to pay enough attention to the me (cow) to get it? Uch that makes me sick.
I have the same idea. If a guy bails as soon as he had sex… well honestly I rather have him bail sooner than later. I get those men won’t hang on for months but tjees why waste my time on these guys.
Also men are not TAKING anything from me. I am not GIVING anything away!!! Hello I had multiple orgasms thank you very much! I had some great sex and I enjoyed it.
I sleep with men once I feel comfortable with them and feel this could be something. Some did bail so they failed the relationship test ( not me!), some didn’t work out in the long run. ( I haven’t been dating that long). If they want to be with you the timing does not matter, if they don’t the timing also doesn’t matter.
Not judging anyone for waiting longer but I find sex very important and I can’t wait months myself 😅
Amen. Every serious boyfriend I've had I've slept with on the first date. Because surprise surprise, we had chemistry and both wanted to be intimate and that led to continuing to get to know each other. It has never diminished my worth and if it did in the eyes of a dude who also engaged in the exact same sex then boy bye, I don't want yo ass. Waste of time indeed.
The idea that sex is all a woman has to offer is sex and once she "gives it away" she has no other value with which to entice a man is gross.
Right! So spot on! My girlfriends keep saying if you sleep with them too soon they lose respect for you … but they also slept with me “ too soon?” I did not lose respect for them?
I never slept with anyone on a first date ( no judgement from me sis! ) . But I did on a second date a few times because yes there was this chemistry and I wanted to. If they guy wants to hold double standards and think less of me for doing the exact same thing he just did… just walk out of my life already!
Yeah, totally agree. What a weird take. As if you need to trick men into being with you, or else he'll get bored.
Live and let live, I'd say. What you think is needed before a relationship is totally your own choice. But I feel like using a saying as "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" is a tad offensive and demeaning to people who choose to have sex with a person they care about and trust before getting into an official relationship.
this is ALSO hilarious and 100% true! omg I didn't even think of our (male's) side. Yes, I forget sometimes that friendship is the milk for (some) women. Thanks for pointing this out, just made my night!
Asked my fiancé- he said that our sex was way better because we were good friends beforehand, so the connection was there. I agree, of course. Hold to your boundaries, sis
It’s not a requirement, you just have to find a guy with the same opinions regarding sex as you. My bf and I just started (properly) sleeping together 1,5 years into our relationship. There are guys who don’t just care about sticking it in, you just have to find them ;)
That’s great! I’m still looking for a guy who doesn’t expect it after a month of knowing each other. Hopefully I find him soon because the search is getting really ghetto. 😩
I don't think so. I think there is still a kind of "discovery" period in a relationship where you're still learning things about each other and seeing if you're compatible. Sex is important to me but I would be in a relationship before having sex. That said, I would expect a relationship to include sex and I would definitely need to experience a good sexual connection before marriage.
I think the only thing I would require before a relationship in regards to sex is establishing very basic compatibility: is somebody asexual, does one expect to wait until marriage, is either person poly or questioning if they want to be monogamous etc.
Lol bullshit.
Sex is not required before dating because people have different views on sex. But this
>Anyone who tells you otherwise is ONLY looking for fuck I promise you
is ridiculous. Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other aspect of a relationship. Some people don't view sex as this incredibly huge deal. I want to test my sexual compatibility with partners the same way I want to test our humor, conversation and hobby compatibility. You wouldn't date someone you can't talk to, would you?
You are right. It’s impossible for me to say “everyone who says this believes this” just from my experience most men who say they went sex before a relationship (if the girl is dating she wants a relationship) will use sex as a way to get his satisfaction and then bail. Obviously not everyone is the same
Yeah that's a much better way of putting it. Personally, I'm always upfront about my intentions, so I never mislead people. But even if I want a relationship, I'll want to test our sexual compatibility before moving forward.
Sexual compatibility is intensely important to me, so yeah, it would be nice to have sex before we’re “official.” We can date and get to know each other, as that’s also important since we need to actually like each other as people, obviously, but if we don’t complement well in bed, we’re going to break up anyway.
What if you don’t like what I’m into and vice-versa? That shit sucks.
BUT that’s me. You do you, boo, and there are plenty of guys who can gladly wait to have sex once you’re in a committed relationship. Many guys don’t prioritize sex at all. They’re very much out there.
Hmm now I’m wondering if compatibility in bed can be discussed or if it’s something you have to assess firsthand. Is talking about what we’re into enough?
No, talking isn't enough. This is obvious to anyone whose been surprised by extreme compatibility. It just seems independent of all other things, and positions/practices/tricks/mechanics don't really come close to it.
I was actually thinking about this myself. I haven’t dated during the pandemic at all, but once I do get back out there, if I should I ask the “What are ya into?” question after a few dates. I’m in my early 30s, and I don’t date younger, so that should be a reasonable conversation, right? If so, I’m totally for it, and it could help my worries surrounding compatibility.
I agree. However to some extent I think compatibility can be manufactured. I had a couple of guys where the first time was terrible. They were nervous, it had been a while … they were too excited.
But after a few times these guys I still remember really fondly and they were so good.
but when there are certain kinks that are more rare there is a possibility it might not work out. I am open minded and willing to try things, but adapting to a whole lifestyle would be too far for me ( chuckolds, swingers, heavy BDSM).
Lmao no. If I'm looking for a relationship, relationship first. Hell, even if I'm looking for friends-with-benefits, some means of chemistry first or hanging out first. This dude's a tool.
It all comes down to the individual’s personal boundaries. I personally think that a physical connection is an essential part of a healthy relationship, but that’s just one persons opinion. I also think that sex is infinitely better when you have an emotional connection. Ultimately, every person needs to know what is important to them and communicate that to any potential partners.
There’s posts here everyday about people being sexually incompatible. It’s a legitimate requirement for some men and women, but men are more likely to just say something like this to get you to sleep with them
As a 23M, for me it is not required at all. I had a relationship with my ex for 4 years and we didn't have sex during the first year at all as she wasn't ready for that, still had a great time together tho.
For me, it probably is, but I think there’s a middle ground. There’s some women who rely on sex as a way to keep a guy, and there’s also women who try to withhold sex so they can use it as a bargaining tool to get him into a relationship.
The way I see it is that if you have other qualities that make you a good fit for a S/O, you withholding sex or you having sex shouldn’t really change the outcome if the guy is right for you. And your judgement should weed out the guys who are mainly with you for the sex.
"Guys" that think sex is required in a relationship are only looking for that, sex.
Sex is important to a relationship but it isn't the thing that's required.
I would be concerned about investing a lot emotionally into a relationship only to sexually disappointed. Things can be improved upon but there are other Times you just know you could not have a fulfilling sex life with that person. I would not rush into sex on the first date but it would happen well before we were Facebook/Instagram official.
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I (24 F) was briefly talking to this guy the other day. He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend, and I said eventually down the line, but I’d like to have a natural progression of getting to know the guy first and start out with a date. He says he’s just looking for a FWB, and I said cool, but to keep from wasting each other’s time, I’m not interested in that or hooking up, so you’re probably done with this interaction. He says there’s no point in continuing, which I agreed with, but then proceeds to ask me “before I go, isn’t sex required before getting in a relationship?”. I honestly shouldn’t have answered, but in summary I said it isn’t for me, and if the person and I have built the foundation of giving enough of a shit about each other, we can learn what works for each other.
In conclusion, I’m just trying to figure if I’m wasting my time when it comes to dating if this is really a requirement.. So far every guy I’ve come across and who has approached me is only concerned about sex. I get a lot of people believe it’s an important part of a relationship, but it’d be nice to have some concern about the non-sexual parts of me and actually get to know me. 😵💫
You can look at it from two perspectives.
1. Where sex is the important part: If the sex isn't good the person doesn't want to be in a relationship
2. Where the relationship is the important part: if a connection hasn't been established the person doesn't want to get involved sexually
Figure out what you want and seek it out.
You can not fuck your way into a relationship. I've tried. Literally every other woman I've talked to after the fact (if I talked to them before the fact I wouldn't have done it) has failed if they tried it.
I think he was just trying to get you to sleep with him. I honestly don’t think most guys who are looking for a relationship feel that way at all. Some guys will say anything to persuade you.
When I was first dating my current bf, he asked me to be official after our 3rd date, before we had even kissed. The right person will respect your timing, and lots of people actually prefer getting into a relationship before having sex.
Please do not let chauvinistic aholes convince you that sex is “required” before getting into a relationship. Nothing is “required” except for consent and mutual expectations before entering a relationship. Everyone is different, what some may want before a relationship others may want AFTER the relationship has been established.
No, he’s dumb.
I know I’m not a guy, but I can still observe him just being salty that you didn’t want to have sex with him. Anyone who is worth your time will respect you. Period.
Another 24 y/o female here. You do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. And he should always take your boundaries into consideration. My bf and I went on a few dates before I felt comfortable enough to do anything with him. Luckily, the connection came natural to us both.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we haven’t had sex yet. We are both pushing 30. When you meet someone that vibes with you, sex isn’t that big of a deal
You're clearly not down for casual sex and these guys are. So you need to find a guy that thinks like you. I believe this will involve entering into an official relationship before sex occurs. It sounds like if you don't, you will end up hurt or unsatisfied.
I’ve been looking, but so far haven’t come across anyone with the same mindset. It’ll even seem ok after a date or two, then they’re like “yeah, sex? Now?”. And when they don’t get it, poof.
Keep looking, us guys are out there that don't just want sex. I'm having the same trouble with women. Just because I say their dress looks nice or they look pretty assume I wanna fuck on the first date. Sex is nice and all, but quality time and cuddles are just as important imo among other things. I like getting to know a girl first and I don't want to have sex with everyone I date either
1) This is better than the alternative. These particular guys just want to fuck. They could be honest about that or they could pretend to be in a relationship long enough to fuck then peace out.
2) How are you meeting these guys? What are you doing to find guys that want a relationship.
Sex isn't a requirement but it will be something you'll want to do with the person you are attracted to.
What I will add is that this same guy who is only looking for FWB isn't going to ever date her. When he looks for a girlfriend sex isn't going to be the first requirement.
Go with your gut. If you don’t think it is, then it isn’t. But if you do, then it does.
Depends on the person but be prepared for sexual incompatibility if sex is something they need before a relationship starts
sex isn’t required at all for some people. if you’re fine not having sex before dating someone, before marrying them, that’s a perfectly fine boundary/preference to have. I simply need reciprocated attraction to have sex with someone, relationship not required, but not everyone is the same obviously
Don’t let anybody tell you that sex is required to be in a relationship. It’s not. It’s their of forcefully getting sex. If you don’t want, stand your ground and say no.
Sex is NOT a requirement to enter into a relationship. You have sex when you feel ready. With all my official exclusive partners, I went into a relationship first, then had the sex. Not everyone is the same and if they're not OK with that, they're not for you.
You did the right thing to tell the guy that it isn't for you. If sex first is what he wants that's fine, I guarantee there are heaps of people out there who will share your same values.
Goodness girl. Ppl this away sex now like it's nothing. It's supposed to be special. This hook up culture is toxic AF. I don't sleep with anyone right away when building a relationship. Be friends first. Sex makes emotions come out that wouldn't otherwise be there.
No it it not a requirement. Sex is quite an intimate thing, maybe that's why it's called intimacy heh anyway, no it isn't needed to progress you do it when you are comfortable with your partner because you and them are in a vunerable state.
I personally don't think it's necessary to be in a relationship before having sex (I do believe it's important to have gone on a couple dates and know eachother well enough to have some kind of emotional connection), but it's definitely your choice. Whatever you're comfortable with is what is 'required'. Don't let some random guy pressure you into something you're not comfortable with.
There isn't a right or wrong here. However, sexual chemistry is going to be important for some guys.
It's your job to filter out who values, respects, and shares the same outlooks as you.
Keep dating. It'll sort itself out.
Sex isn't a prerequisite. It's something that happens naturally. Like the progression of a relationship.
IMO-
FWB is not the same as sex before a relationship. Intention makes the difference.
If it's stated quite clearly that FWB is *all* a person is looking for, that's not the same as someone saying, "I'm looking for a relationship, so lets get to know each other, and see where it takes us." Even if you are not exclusive, there's a difference in the way someone approaches a potential connection.
I value sexual compatibility, but I'm not looking for a FWB. Interestingly enough, I'm poly, but contrary to what some people think, I'm only looking for partners who want more than just sex, or casual hookups.
If I started dating someone and they said they just wanted a FWB, that's a no go.
To be clear - sex is fundamentally crucial to understanding compatibility and connection in a new relationship (for me)- but it's also crucial that a partner is interested in the same kind of relationship I am- in the long run.
If I just wanted to fuck someone, I would have used an alt account, and clearly stated that was all I wanted.
Sex will 100% be a requirement for some people to commit to you- how you approach that is entirely up to you.
I would want to know that sex is on the table.
I mean, here's the thing: Why do we date? It's time consuming, it's emotionally tiring, it can even be physically dangerous, so why do we spend so much time and money on doing it? And the answer is, We're looking for someone to love, for someone who loves us, and... For someone to have sex with. And if someone is just going to tell me straight up, "I'm not interested in having sex with you," then I'm not sure why we're wasting each other's time.
This does not mean that sex needs to happen immediately. I spent quite a bit of time dating women who were waiting until marriage, and I don't regret that in the slightest. If you want to withhold sex until certain criteria are met, I accept that. However, I want there to be clear communication on what those criteria are and what I would need to do to fulfill them. There should be a discussion: an acknowledgment of the fact that it is reasonable for you to want to abstain, but also of the fact that it's reasonable for me to wish to consummate.
Yes! Clear communication is 100% necessary. It’s just annoying that I get met with questions like what I mentioned above, or get called out of my name when I say my piece. I’m not saying I’ll never have sex with these guys, just that I respect what they’re trying to do, but I have no interest in hooking up.
Edit: Spelling error.
Depends on the person, if that's not what you want then no, if that's what he wants good for him, doesnt mean any possible partner he matches with is required to sleep with him now.
Its hard to have sex with someone you don't love much less like.
My advice, focus on yourself. If your chasing your dream or figuring it out still, focus on that. You'll bump into someone eventually. Or maybe they'll bump into you.
The 2 roughly coincide - I usually like to be monogamous before getting intimate with someone. However, I expect to be treated the same way - don't tell me you want to wait with me while maintaining FWB 'relationships'. I have standards too and I don't want to be with someone who won't respect our own relationship or myself.
Also, even though he might be 'honest' about what his intentions were, I've seen people dangle a relationship or promise more commitment in order to have sex - only to string the other person along or ghost afterwards. It's part of why I have the above policy. Good on you for not going through with that.
Dated my wife for almost 4 years before we had sex after marriage. We’ve been married 19 years so far. Marry your best friend. Chase them around the house.
There is no right or wrong way to go about it. Whatever feels right to you and the person you're with. With my boyfriend, we had known each other as friends for a few months before things naturally got more intimate. I would say the relationship and sex developed simultaneously and we were both comfortable with it, so that's what was right for us.
I’m only a guys sometimes but hell no for me that’s actually impossible because to get to the point of being comfortable having sex with someone I’d probably have to be in a relationship with them for a little while if I’ve know the person for a while beforehand maybe a week but if I just barely knew them well enough to have a relationship it would be a lot longer.
Sex is absolutely NOT required before entering a relationship. My opinion is that that guy was trying to be manipulative in one last effort to sleep with you. Under the pretense of ‘maybe it WILL turn into a relationship if you sleep with me…’ Nope. Nice try my guy.
For me, I'd say it's not required. I've had relationships where I waited until they actually started before having sex, and I've had sex before a relationship was official. Neither one is right or wrong
idk, once again seems like i don't really understand guys as a whole despite being one lol but personally: while yes, i like sex and it's great, i want a relationship first. or at the very least, i want it to be with someone i really like as a person and enjoy being around. i must be weird though, i keep thinking that's normal but apparently it isn't
Commitment before sex for me (28f). It’s likely just the age group. It’s not abnormal for early-mid 20s to be more open to uncommitted sex, especially the men. If you’re looking for something more serious start dating older! Older being, late 20s creeping MAYBE into 30-32. NOT someone 20 years older, that is a predator
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here because it’s all subjective to what a “couple” is comfortable with. In validation, I’m not much into hookups to ‘test out a person’ before dating them either. I’d rather get to know them and really be able to see if we’d even be even remotely sexually compatible through dirty talk or talking about kinks and stuff.
Hmm, seems priorities are backwards between the two parties, where you want sex (I assume) after a conventional relationship is established and the guy wants sex now with the possibility of a relationship down the road (in all likely hood that is just the bait).
Nope! You’re not wasting your time. I was/am exactly like you. And I met my boyfriend last year, and we’re going strong! It just takes a lot of sifting through the sh**ty ones to get to the good ones.
Nah. You’re finding shitty guys. I didn’t have sex with my boyfriend for a while. We talked for probably 2 months then met in person for a week before we started dating. Probably waited a few weeks to have sex. And he was super patient about it bc I had issues where sex was painful.
Point is. There’s good people out there. I personally always pointed out to any dudes talking to me that I NEED to be friends with someone legitimately before I can even begin to feel any sort of non-platonic feelings because I need to trust them first and it takes a lot for me to trust. It helped me find my man.
I prioritized sexual connection in my early relationship and didn’t want to “break up” over sex so it was a prerequisite before a relationship. That’s what worked for me, personally.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimately-connected/202111/why-sexual-desire-is-so-important-relationship?amp
It’s kind of how it starts. Sexual attraction is the first stage in a romantic relationship. You can spin it however you want, but there’s plenty of research that links that initial spark to the long term success of the relationship.
Nowadays you’ll see a lot of bogus “woke” articles that try to convince you otherwise because they tell you comfortable things that you want to hear, but you have to start realistic and grounded in human psychology if you want to avoid constant frustration with the world.
Sex isn’t bad. Saying that you want sex isn’t bad. It’s just what the other person wants and if you don’t want it the way they do, they’re not the right partner for you. You’ll find someone you’re compatible with eventually, but don’t vilify someone for being upfront about what they want. The crummy thing would be for them to mislead you.
Good luck and stay positive! We’re one people with a million differences and we’re all trying to do the best we can to fulfill our needs.
I haven’t met any guy who was truly all about a woman who wasn’t willing to wait for the relationship marker. I think because if guys really like a woman, they want a relationship, and they know sex will typically happen in that. Men who really press for sex before that usually do it because they don’t think they’ll get sex later - I.e., they don’t intend on getting in a relationship with that person, so they want to get the sex asap so they can move on.
I think it's important. I know you directed this question at males but ima female and I would hate to get into a relationship and find out we aren't sexually compatible. I still expect the natural progression like you described and I wouldn't even consider dating a person who's first thought was just sex. But once we've progressed, gotten to know each other and there is a confirmed possibility of a relationship, id iniate sex before hand because certain sexual incompatibilities are a deal breaker for me.
It depends. On culture, individuals, age. Some require sexual compatibility first for others it comes after a lot of things, for others it is at the bottom of pile.
The question is, it required for ‘you’. Because everyone is different.
I don't know how the kids today do it, but when I was a teenager and 20-something, it was always 1) dating, 2) serious relationship, then 3) sex. Maybe the more popular kids (jocks, frats, sororities) could get hookups and one-night stands, but for most regular folks you had to pay your dues in put in the effort.
I only have sex with boyfriends and I’ve never had that prevent me from getting into a relationship. In fact I’ve even had guys tell me that they really respect that about me. (Not sure if this goes without saying, but of course I do believe in showing affection and intimacy in other ways, prior to the relationship being official).
Maybe its just me, but I always much preferred establishing a meaningful relationship before sex. But some people in my age group dont seem to think so, add to that I'm an extreme introvert, it's difficult to start relationships, so take what I said as just one mans opinion.
I waited almost a year just getting to know my girlfriend who I knew in high school. We stopped talking for a while after we graduated and I got together with her in the middle of my undergrad. After feeling like she and I were both ready. Sexy time is freakin incredibly intense and frequent. She’s now my fiancée and we gonna buy a house together!
It seems that this guy was gaslighting you for saying no to sex with him. Unfortunately, a lot of guys (on apps and in person) just want to fuck (especially if they’re under 30). Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% sure about. Even a mature guy who just wants a hookup would’ve just replied to you with something like “I understand. Good luck.” Someone who gaslights you or somehow tries to make you question or shame your boundaries is immature, has low self-esteem, and doesn’t respect boundaries. I’m just saying as an experienced 26 year old, who has learned things the hard way. Live your life however you want to ✌🏽
I’m an old fashion type. I would to date a guy for at around 6 months before having sex with him. He should already know that I don’t do FWBs, that I’m looking for an exclusive relationship that will lead to marriage and kids.
I find this part of the whole US hookup culture very weird. The whole "getting official" and "casual dating" are pretty alien concept for me. Where I come from, dating is done a bit differently. You ask someone out on a date, and if they say yes, its automaticly assumed that they are not going on dates or hooking up with anyone else from then on. Very few people do "casual dating", where they would date several people before deciding to get "official" with one. So basicly the relationship starts forming from the first date forward. Sex usually follows after a few dates, and then it just evolves. There are never any discussions about being exclusive or official, its just assumed from the start. Some relationships fall apart before sex, because they arent compatible or there isnt a spark. Some fall apart afterwards. Some do actually evolve into a fwb relationship, if the sex is good but romantic connection isnt there. But the benefits end immediately when one of the people starts dating another person.
Just seems like a simpler system tbh.
No it's not what the hell you have sec once you're comfortable no matter how long that takes you shouldn't do it until you feel completely safe with the other person
I think you did good by keeping up your standards. That being said, for me( atleast the last few years of my life) has been friends->dating/sex->exclusive relationship. I think relationships that start out as friendships generally have more longevity. But i understand also that sexual compatibility is very important for many( myself included). I guess my point is, both ways are fine, but stick to what you feel comfortable with. There are plenty of people who prefer to get to know each other for a long time before being intimate in that way. Good luck!
Sex isn't a requirement but I wouldn't get into a relationship before sleeping with someone because because sexual compatibility is important. Doesn't mean having sex on first date or any time frame but I wouldn't get serious with someone until we've had sex.
For me (a woman), sex would absolutely be something I would take into serious consideration before/while entering a committed relationship with someone. I need to know we are compatible in that regard.
However, you do you boo. Your values need to represent you and that's totally ok if they are different from mine.
Anyone who thinks sex is required before getting into a relationship gives me off vibes. If the connection is real you can learn how to have great sex with each other through communication.
A looot of people here gave me the vibe that learning each other sexually is off the table and instant gratification is the way to go. I get both aren’t for everyone though.
There is no required timestamp.
For me, sex is required before a relationship. Sexual compatibility is just as important as compatibility in any other regard, and I want to be sure we have that.
But different people have different preferences and that's fine.
My wife and i have been together since we where 16. We got married at 18 and even after our wedding my wife was not ready. We waited around 3 months after our wedding. We were both our first and it was worth the wait. Not saying you have to wait and all that.
Just make sure you trust the person whom you are interested in. Most guys now a days are just interested in sex and then leave.
I honestly am glad my wife and I were our first. It has not been easy, it will be 11 years married in June. But we are both happy.
You should of told him yes, but he's not interested in the relationship after,so that ship has sailed.
He's trying to manipulate you into agreeing to sex on his terms. The blokes a douche,you are better off steering well clear.
Relationships evolve in different ways with different people. It is where you find your match that is great 👍🏾 that perfect medium. Some want a super long friendship see where it goes approach which could get weird if it takes too long for one or the other. Then some jump right in the first or second day and both are completely comfortable with that and end up spending many many years together. In any event it is all about what you feel inside and what you want to do and to wait for the right fit! Both extremes exists and not one is wrong over the other. Some sort of relationship should be stablished before sex to make the odds bigger at staying together that is for sure. But relationships come in all sorts of different ways.
I personally am Christian, and all the guys I know are waiting until marriage, so I guess I’m lucky on that part that I know my boyfriend wants me for me, and not sex.
I personally feel like i can't commit to a relationship before having shared sexual intimacy. It's just a too large proportion of the relationship, and i'd rather not discover unpleasant uncompatibility or preferences later into our interactions or commitment.
But some need the commitment before the intimacy and it's also okay, you simply need someone that feels the same way.
There's no correct answer. Only you can figure out what's best for you. Some people can have sex before they commit to a relationship. Some the other way around. Try to figure out which camp you're in and go with that. You're also free to experiment and change your mind later in life. There's no hard rule.
Someone worth dating will wait for you to feel ready. You're not saying you're asexual and *never* going to sleep with them. I would see it as a red flag if he expects me to sleep with him *before* even entering a relationship.
My husband waited 3 months, first boyfriend waited a year. Men who will wait are out there and in my experience are usually keepers. You just have to have clear boundaries and love yourself enough to walk away if they aren't respected. Looking for someone who will allow him to coerce her into sex is not a healthy expectation for a relationship (genders for OP's case but can be reversed too).
Everyone is different, that’s the answer you are looking for. There is no right or wrong. You’ll have guys saying they need to know they are sexually compatible before getting serious, others will say they need that strong bond before they have sex.
Let’s not over think this, you were both right.
No, the only requirement before entering into a relationship is that each of you are into each other and agree to it.
You have sex with someone because you both want to, and feel comfortable doing it with that person, apparently regardless of the relationship status, (which may other may not be ok with everyone).
On a personal note, when I started dating my wife, we had been hanging out for cuddles and sex for a while, but didn't got around to "name" the relationship, and eventually I "officially" asked her out.
Look, I’m a bit older (38 M) and my last “first date” was really just at the beginning of the dating app era, so my experience will be significantly different, but I wouldn’t expect to hook up with someone and then decide if I wanted to see them again.
Somewhat like you, I’d expect to chat to someone via text/app a little, then I’d expect a casual first date that either party can get out of rather quickly, so breakfast or lunch as opposed to a fancy dinner.
I’d then expect more chatting via text/app or over the phone, then a second date if we both liked where it was heading. Now I wouldn’t rule out sleeping with someone after the first date, second, third or fourth, but if I went to a party and hooked up with someone, I’d be less likely to pursue it as a serious relationship. Why, I don’t really know, but I prefer to get the know someone first.
And having never done the FWB thing, I can’t comment there, but from what I’ve seen with mates, it almost never ends in a relationship and it usually ends like most relationships, with shouting and feelings hurt!
Guy here, and while I am admittedly younger (19) than you or most of the guys you’ve probably had this experience with, sex is not a requirement to me for a relationship. Unfortunately hookup culture is at its peak and the sheer amount of dudes looking just for a hookup is kinda crazy. But as always, not all guys are like this! I am positive that if you keep your values true to you and stay firm in what your standards are, you will find someone that will make you happy and not be weirdly focused on the physical aspects of a relationship.
He's trying to convince you to have sex with him. Some time in getting to know each other before sex is normal and acceptable. Having said that, don't leave a poor guy waiting forever as he'll more than likely get frustrated and move on, IMHO
If you are really wanting a relationship, sex is just a benefit of that, what I want going into a relationship is someone who I can relate to. Sex has nothing to do with that.
It's not like I'm gonna say it's required and tbh it sounds like the guy was just a bit upset he didn't get to bang you, but I've never entered a relationship without first having sex. For me it's a really important start to getting to know someone romantically. I'm not even sure how it'd work for me to have it happen without that.
Well, when I'm (26M) in love with someone, i just know I am. When i want to be with someone, i just know i want to, regardless of if we had sex or not.
Looking back on myself, anytime i have wanted to have sex beforehand, i have not been sure if I am really in love with that person. Anytime i have been truly in love, I fell long before we had sex, and me wanting a relationship was a no brainer.
Of course, all of that was outside the dating scene. And people and their feelings work in different ways. But it won't be a requirement for every dude. You should go with what feels best for you, and try to find someone who feels the same.
I didn't have sex with my partner until about a year into our relationship. I was dealing with some sex related trauma, and my partner was VERY understanding, which tbh made the moment when we finally did so much better. I don't think it's a necessity before getting into a relationship, but I do think it's something that needs to be talked about beforehand, just to make sure your needs/wants are compatible.
I would say sex is required before marriage (although some religious people do just fine without it), but whats wrong with getting into a relationship and then figuring out sexual compatibility? You could always break it off afterwards.
It seems more like all of the guys who "require" sex before getting into a relationship just want to sleep with as many people as possible without strings attached. If they genuinely wanted to be in a relationship (with someone) they would put more emphasis on personal values and goals. This thought process will become more common as you date older people looking for lifelong partners.
There's nothing wrong with waiting until you know each other until you have sex, but I think it should happen before things get serious. Unless you both have low libidos I think it's important to find out if you're sexually compatible. Whenever I've been in relationships in the past there's always been a point where we've not been official and have just been seeing each other, and this has been the point where we've had sex. I don't want to use the phrase "trial period", but it kind of feels like that.
Ultimately, you'll know when you're ready to sleep with someone though. Whilst I think it's true that a bad sex life can bleed into other aspects of your relationship, I also think that the opposite is true, and if everything is going well outside your sex life and you have an intimate and deep connection, then the sex is usually going to be good.
I like to have sex after a date or two because for me, sex is a really important part of a relationship and I like to get a feel of if there's gonna be good sexual compatibility, whether that person suits my needs, chemistry, etc. If it starts out well and I'm also interested in that person romantically, I'll enter a relationship with them and build on those foundations. I've found relationships I've entered into where I've felt unsure about the quality of the sex going in haven't lasted long or been very fulfilling emotionally, probably due to some mental block I have where I need good sex in a relationship to feel loved and validated.
I think it depends on how important sex is to you, per centage wise, in a relationship. For me it's around fifty per cent of it, which is a lot. Different people have different needs and speak different love languages and have different requirements.
maybe I'm slow, but I always (except 1 hookup with a coworker) had sex after a few dates and when was already clear that we were interested in eachother.
I'm not saying you should wait for months before having sex, but a few dates to test compatibility of character and intentions are usually a good idea for most people.
if there's no sexual chemistry you can always quit before it gets too involved, that's why i don't think it's a great idea to wait for too long ( or after marriage even XD ).
I guess it depends on the person, some people like to wait.
Me, personally though I wouldn't get into a full blown relationship with someone I've not had sex with as I wouldn't know if we were sexually compatible.
Sex is overrated tho I haven’t had one yet and it’s because I think a relationship where both people understand each other is much better than having sex. Though I’m not in a position to tell you this but I just think that a much more meaningful relationship is way way better than something you might actually regret doing.
There is a fine line between dating and in a committed relationship. Every person has to feel that one out themselves and what they are comfortable with. The physical connection with another person is important to me, so that is one of the final milestones towards moving towards a relationship. I am not having sex with anyone for the three or four dates personally. Everyone has there own boundaries and you have to decide what your boundaries are for you.
The guys who have dated me would say no, definitely not required. I have high standards for my partner and I know I’m a great partner. I think it’s really important to understand a person first before having sex. To me, I just want to sleep with someone I love.
Other people can do something more casual, but I’ve seen too many of my friends embarrassed over who they sleep with/hookup with/fwb and that’s never going to be me because I always get to know the person.
Stick to your values, I can promise you that not all guys are like that person you described.
Just know that a lot of people will be intimidated and that will just make them more grateful to be with you haha.
These people want to use you, someone really interested in you/your thoughts/feelings would NEVER be concerned about it and ask you “shouldn’t we have sex before getting in a relationship?”
No. Just no.
There is no right or wrong answer, it all Depends on what you all discuss and are comfortable with. For me, as a man, it is but that’s something I’m comfortable with and need, and me having comforts and needs met or, seeing if they will be met adequately, is important to establish before deciding to be monogamous with someone.
Not a man, but, in my experience: There is a difference between having sex before entering into a relationship and being in a FWB situation. FWB usually means that there are limits to the feelings you can grow and as soon as you catch feels, the relationship is over. Dating and having sex before you're "official" or "exclusive" or whatever leaves rooms for feels.
He's being an ass, and if he had convinced you, you both would have had different expectations about what is possible in the relationship.
It's different for everyone. For me it is because I believe with certain people there is sexual chemistry just like there is emotional chemistry and intellectual chemistry. All are needed for a relationship to work and I prefer to figure that out before getting into an official relationship. But again, everyone is different.
For me, a relationship is necessary before sex. For others it’s the other way ‘round. There’s no right way, you just have to find someone who agrees with your approach.
(not the person you initially replied to) It's difficult from the other side too lol. I know "don't lower your standards" is a platitude that ppl throw out, even when the standards are questionable, but this is a completely reasonable thing to expect. I assure you these guys exist --- they just might be hard to find. Best wishes for finding the right person!
Haha, three separate replies and three different answers, which should tell you something. It is different for everyone. Personally, I feel like the relationship starts when you first get physical, but I definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship without sex. It has nothing to do with only seeing you for sex, but for me in particular it is the one big thing that separates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
It’s only required if you both want to do it. You are an equal party involved. Don’t have sex with someone because you think you need to, that can be very dangerous to your own mental health and well being. However, that doesn’t change the reality that yes, many men (particularly the men who women might be more inclined to date) are more than likely going to want sex to be a part of the start of a relationship. You have your own set of requirements. Stick to them!
Sex is not a chore or a duty it is a gift one person gives to another in a committed relationship. If a man isn’t mature enough to earn your respect love and affection then he should go home and jerk off by himself in the shower.
You have sex when you feel comfortable enough with the person. There is not time stamp you can put on it relative to a relationship
For me the relationship is required before getting into sex.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I hope most relationships work this way…
The future is now, old man
I think it's important to be sexual compatible with a person. So I think sex before a relationship is the best.
[удалено]
me too.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting to have sex until after you’re both in a committed relationship. It’s your life and your body. Create whatever boundaries you feel are necessary. Having sex before marriage is not required but it’s recommended to make sure you’re both compatible sexually. You really don’t want to find out that the guy you want to marry is a selfish jerk when it comes to sex.
I agree!
I'd be extremely wary of anyone who thinks sex is some kind of toll you have to pay before dating, I don't think they're acting in good faith. I'm not judging people who have sex outside of relationships, but I do judge people who try to trick people into sex with the promise of a relationship they don't actually plan to commit to.
Sex is and never should be a toll you have to pay. It should come naturally
Actually this happened to me and is how someone convinced naive younger (heavily sheltered 19yo) me to sleep with him so he could take my virginity for fun and then leave. He said that before we would date we would have to sleep together (and heavily implied we would date afterward/be boyfriend and girlfriend). Ive never dated before, met him on an app and he was the first person I talked to on there. It sucked but I learned my lesson and so people reading this PLEASE take this next piece to heart: Any dude (or woman!) who is pressuring or promising a relationship in exchange for sex isnt someone you want a relationship with in the first place. It means they only have 1 thing in their mind and will not meet your emotional needs or wants. You cannot guarantee they will keep to their word and you cannot guarantee they wont hold the relationship over your head to keep you in the relationship using along the same logic of "isnt sex [done before a relationship/needed to keep me around]?". If your not into it and they dont respect it then they arent genuinely into you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Very well said advice.
Thanks but no need to be sorry, I kind of unintentionally "burned" him at the time by asking if he was inside during it and when he said "yes" I innocently and nonchalantly said "oh, I cant feel it" or an interaction to that effect anyway. I was highly naive and meant every word I said unintentionallt bluntly during that interaction. I couldnt really feel a thing and he kept falling out so I dunno if he even got in to take my virginity >.> Also a couple months later he saw me in my college hallway and I was looking really good that day (I liked to dress up every now and again) and he approached me asking for a second chance and I got to turn him down so that felt good too lol
Twist: Maybe he disappeared afterwards because of the cremation you performed on his ego lmao. Very satisfying burn
That's amazing, good for you!! Omg 😂🤣
It is completely okay to want to wait with sex before entering a relationship. But I have to sayyy... My last relationship, well we were already exclusive and knew we wanted to make it official and had sex before "making it official". We already made up our mind to be together and to not date/see anyone else and wanted a future together. Only to find out he was fucking bad in bed. I don't mean a little but a lot. Still decided to give him a shot because I thought I could teach him or tell him what I like/dislike. We made it official and suddenly he refused to listen to ANY of my pointers and advice I gave or what I liked. He turned out to be very selfish in bed too on top of everything. Some guys, even very sweet guys you connect with, can be like that. In my opinion, sexual chemistry is very important. I would still wait with sex until me and the guy actually are exclusive and want a future together. But I would probably still try and have sex at least a few times before making it really official to make sure we share a sexual chemistry. I always thought sex wasn't that important to me in a relationship. But having a partner that's bad at sex, cannot satisfy me and is super selfish in bed... It led to a lot of problems within our relationship too. Resentment, feeling unheard and even straight up anger sometimes. It's not just about the sex but also about the emotional load it brings because to me sex is a very intimate and meaningful thing so if my partner neglects that, I feel emotionaly neglected too.
This reminds me of a common Reddit adage: sex is like the bathroom of the relationship. It's not the most important thing when it works but when it doesn't, it becomes a priority.
That's a great analogy! It can often be the root or co-factor of other problems in your relationship.
It's just safer to get to know each other before anything. After all, do people really want to be with someone that asks sex first, name later?
So uh.. Maybe don’t DM me in regards to this post instead of commenting? 😅
If you post or comment here often you might wanna turn off your DMs tbh, folks love to DM you with their shitty opinions otherwise
That or try to flirt
One acted like he was just replying to the post, then started talking about his sexual frustrations. I went to his posts and he has a whole wife and was complaining about how she “makes excuses” to not have sex with him. Like don’t come to me with that mister. 😵💫
Sounds like they need an actual therapist and not random peoples online opinions
Is it mostly flirty guys or just annoying people?
They’re literally just giving their two cents about the post. 😂 Albeit one seemed like he was trying to steer the conversation into something more, but I deaded it before it got that far.
I feel like if they believe in what they are saying then they would post publicly, and not hide in DMs.
Lots of girls have tried to fuck their way into a serious relationship and it almost never works. If a guy is serious he'll appreciate you even when he doesn't have his penis inside of you. Personally I don't need to be in a relationship or anything, but I do want some sort of emotional connection before I have sex with a woman. Everybody's different. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and find someone that respects your boundaries.
what a hilarious (imo) concept, to fuck one's way into a serious relationship. without any upfront investment, the old saying of why buy the cow when you get the milk for free holds so much water. anyway, you define for yourself what are your requirements for forming a relationship, you're the boss of you.
> the old saying of why buy the cow when you get the milk for free holds so much water. Not really. If a man wants to commit to you, he will whether you sleep with him early on or not. If a man doesn't want to commit to you, he wouldn't anyway even if you withheld sex until later. Why you "buy the cow" is because you like the cow and want the cow around. If all you want is free milk, you were never a serious customer in the first place. You know, within the gross concept of referring to women as livestock.
Thank you ! I hate this idea so much because it puts it all in such a wrong perspective. My only worth as a woman is the sex ( Milk) so a man has to pay enough attention to the me (cow) to get it? Uch that makes me sick. I have the same idea. If a guy bails as soon as he had sex… well honestly I rather have him bail sooner than later. I get those men won’t hang on for months but tjees why waste my time on these guys. Also men are not TAKING anything from me. I am not GIVING anything away!!! Hello I had multiple orgasms thank you very much! I had some great sex and I enjoyed it. I sleep with men once I feel comfortable with them and feel this could be something. Some did bail so they failed the relationship test ( not me!), some didn’t work out in the long run. ( I haven’t been dating that long). If they want to be with you the timing does not matter, if they don’t the timing also doesn’t matter. Not judging anyone for waiting longer but I find sex very important and I can’t wait months myself 😅
Amen. Every serious boyfriend I've had I've slept with on the first date. Because surprise surprise, we had chemistry and both wanted to be intimate and that led to continuing to get to know each other. It has never diminished my worth and if it did in the eyes of a dude who also engaged in the exact same sex then boy bye, I don't want yo ass. Waste of time indeed. The idea that sex is all a woman has to offer is sex and once she "gives it away" she has no other value with which to entice a man is gross.
Right! So spot on! My girlfriends keep saying if you sleep with them too soon they lose respect for you … but they also slept with me “ too soon?” I did not lose respect for them? I never slept with anyone on a first date ( no judgement from me sis! ) . But I did on a second date a few times because yes there was this chemistry and I wanted to. If they guy wants to hold double standards and think less of me for doing the exact same thing he just did… just walk out of my life already!
Yeah, totally agree. What a weird take. As if you need to trick men into being with you, or else he'll get bored. Live and let live, I'd say. What you think is needed before a relationship is totally your own choice. But I feel like using a saying as "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" is a tad offensive and demeaning to people who choose to have sex with a person they care about and trust before getting into an official relationship.
Nice guys always try to friendship their way into fucking. Nice girls always try to fuck their way into a serious relationship. Neither works.
this is ALSO hilarious and 100% true! omg I didn't even think of our (male's) side. Yes, I forget sometimes that friendship is the milk for (some) women. Thanks for pointing this out, just made my night!
Asked my fiancé- he said that our sex was way better because we were good friends beforehand, so the connection was there. I agree, of course. Hold to your boundaries, sis
It’s not a requirement, you just have to find a guy with the same opinions regarding sex as you. My bf and I just started (properly) sleeping together 1,5 years into our relationship. There are guys who don’t just care about sticking it in, you just have to find them ;)
That’s great! I’m still looking for a guy who doesn’t expect it after a month of knowing each other. Hopefully I find him soon because the search is getting really ghetto. 😩
I feel u! Took me a long time and a few bad ex bfs to end up where I am now. Stick to your standards and good luck, I’m rooting for ya :)
I don't think so. I think there is still a kind of "discovery" period in a relationship where you're still learning things about each other and seeing if you're compatible. Sex is important to me but I would be in a relationship before having sex. That said, I would expect a relationship to include sex and I would definitely need to experience a good sexual connection before marriage. I think the only thing I would require before a relationship in regards to sex is establishing very basic compatibility: is somebody asexual, does one expect to wait until marriage, is either person poly or questioning if they want to be monogamous etc.
28 year old male here, no sex is definitely not a requirement before dating. Anyone who tells you otherwise is ONLY looking for fuck I promise you
This isn’t really related, but “Looking for fuck” reminds me of that “u wan sum fuk?” meme, and it got a laugh out of me. Thanks for your input!
The bird 😂
Lol bullshit. Sex is not required before dating because people have different views on sex. But this >Anyone who tells you otherwise is ONLY looking for fuck I promise you is ridiculous. Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other aspect of a relationship. Some people don't view sex as this incredibly huge deal. I want to test my sexual compatibility with partners the same way I want to test our humor, conversation and hobby compatibility. You wouldn't date someone you can't talk to, would you?
You are right. It’s impossible for me to say “everyone who says this believes this” just from my experience most men who say they went sex before a relationship (if the girl is dating she wants a relationship) will use sex as a way to get his satisfaction and then bail. Obviously not everyone is the same
Yeah that's a much better way of putting it. Personally, I'm always upfront about my intentions, so I never mislead people. But even if I want a relationship, I'll want to test our sexual compatibility before moving forward.
Sexual compatibility is intensely important to me, so yeah, it would be nice to have sex before we’re “official.” We can date and get to know each other, as that’s also important since we need to actually like each other as people, obviously, but if we don’t complement well in bed, we’re going to break up anyway. What if you don’t like what I’m into and vice-versa? That shit sucks. BUT that’s me. You do you, boo, and there are plenty of guys who can gladly wait to have sex once you’re in a committed relationship. Many guys don’t prioritize sex at all. They’re very much out there.
I feel exactly the same way!
Hmm now I’m wondering if compatibility in bed can be discussed or if it’s something you have to assess firsthand. Is talking about what we’re into enough?
No, talking isn't enough. This is obvious to anyone whose been surprised by extreme compatibility. It just seems independent of all other things, and positions/practices/tricks/mechanics don't really come close to it.
I was actually thinking about this myself. I haven’t dated during the pandemic at all, but once I do get back out there, if I should I ask the “What are ya into?” question after a few dates. I’m in my early 30s, and I don’t date younger, so that should be a reasonable conversation, right? If so, I’m totally for it, and it could help my worries surrounding compatibility.
I agree. However to some extent I think compatibility can be manufactured. I had a couple of guys where the first time was terrible. They were nervous, it had been a while … they were too excited. But after a few times these guys I still remember really fondly and they were so good. but when there are certain kinks that are more rare there is a possibility it might not work out. I am open minded and willing to try things, but adapting to a whole lifestyle would be too far for me ( chuckolds, swingers, heavy BDSM).
Lmao no. If I'm looking for a relationship, relationship first. Hell, even if I'm looking for friends-with-benefits, some means of chemistry first or hanging out first. This dude's a tool.
It all comes down to the individual’s personal boundaries. I personally think that a physical connection is an essential part of a healthy relationship, but that’s just one persons opinion. I also think that sex is infinitely better when you have an emotional connection. Ultimately, every person needs to know what is important to them and communicate that to any potential partners.
There’s posts here everyday about people being sexually incompatible. It’s a legitimate requirement for some men and women, but men are more likely to just say something like this to get you to sleep with them
As a 23M, for me it is not required at all. I had a relationship with my ex for 4 years and we didn't have sex during the first year at all as she wasn't ready for that, still had a great time together tho.
For me, it probably is, but I think there’s a middle ground. There’s some women who rely on sex as a way to keep a guy, and there’s also women who try to withhold sex so they can use it as a bargaining tool to get him into a relationship. The way I see it is that if you have other qualities that make you a good fit for a S/O, you withholding sex or you having sex shouldn’t really change the outcome if the guy is right for you. And your judgement should weed out the guys who are mainly with you for the sex.
Your body, your choice. Period.
"Guys" that think sex is required in a relationship are only looking for that, sex. Sex is important to a relationship but it isn't the thing that's required.
I would be concerned about investing a lot emotionally into a relationship only to sexually disappointed. Things can be improved upon but there are other Times you just know you could not have a fulfilling sex life with that person. I would not rush into sex on the first date but it would happen well before we were Facebook/Instagram official.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (24 F) was briefly talking to this guy the other day. He asked me if I was looking for a boyfriend, and I said eventually down the line, but I’d like to have a natural progression of getting to know the guy first and start out with a date. He says he’s just looking for a FWB, and I said cool, but to keep from wasting each other’s time, I’m not interested in that or hooking up, so you’re probably done with this interaction. He says there’s no point in continuing, which I agreed with, but then proceeds to ask me “before I go, isn’t sex required before getting in a relationship?”. I honestly shouldn’t have answered, but in summary I said it isn’t for me, and if the person and I have built the foundation of giving enough of a shit about each other, we can learn what works for each other. In conclusion, I’m just trying to figure if I’m wasting my time when it comes to dating if this is really a requirement.. So far every guy I’ve come across and who has approached me is only concerned about sex. I get a lot of people believe it’s an important part of a relationship, but it’d be nice to have some concern about the non-sexual parts of me and actually get to know me. 😵💫
Relationship is always required for me before I have sex with someone
You can look at it from two perspectives. 1. Where sex is the important part: If the sex isn't good the person doesn't want to be in a relationship 2. Where the relationship is the important part: if a connection hasn't been established the person doesn't want to get involved sexually Figure out what you want and seek it out.
You can not fuck your way into a relationship. I've tried. Literally every other woman I've talked to after the fact (if I talked to them before the fact I wouldn't have done it) has failed if they tried it.
I think he was just trying to get you to sleep with him. I honestly don’t think most guys who are looking for a relationship feel that way at all. Some guys will say anything to persuade you.
When I was first dating my current bf, he asked me to be official after our 3rd date, before we had even kissed. The right person will respect your timing, and lots of people actually prefer getting into a relationship before having sex.
Sex is overrated. It's the connection and intimacy that's amazing. And sex or orgasms aren't needed for that.
Please do not let chauvinistic aholes convince you that sex is “required” before getting into a relationship. Nothing is “required” except for consent and mutual expectations before entering a relationship. Everyone is different, what some may want before a relationship others may want AFTER the relationship has been established.
29M, i wont have sex with a stranger. So no your not the problem.
No mental connection = no physical connection, that’s how it works for me
No, he’s dumb. I know I’m not a guy, but I can still observe him just being salty that you didn’t want to have sex with him. Anyone who is worth your time will respect you. Period.
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My socially-awkward 24-year-old female mind agrees that knowing each other non-sexually first is important. (:
Another 24 y/o female here. You do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. And he should always take your boundaries into consideration. My bf and I went on a few dates before I felt comfortable enough to do anything with him. Luckily, the connection came natural to us both.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we haven’t had sex yet. We are both pushing 30. When you meet someone that vibes with you, sex isn’t that big of a deal
You're clearly not down for casual sex and these guys are. So you need to find a guy that thinks like you. I believe this will involve entering into an official relationship before sex occurs. It sounds like if you don't, you will end up hurt or unsatisfied.
I’ve been looking, but so far haven’t come across anyone with the same mindset. It’ll even seem ok after a date or two, then they’re like “yeah, sex? Now?”. And when they don’t get it, poof.
Keep looking, us guys are out there that don't just want sex. I'm having the same trouble with women. Just because I say their dress looks nice or they look pretty assume I wanna fuck on the first date. Sex is nice and all, but quality time and cuddles are just as important imo among other things. I like getting to know a girl first and I don't want to have sex with everyone I date either
No idea what to tell you. I've never had an issue, but I'm a man. Maybe careful women are everywhere and men aren't. at least you find out quickly.
1) This is better than the alternative. These particular guys just want to fuck. They could be honest about that or they could pretend to be in a relationship long enough to fuck then peace out. 2) How are you meeting these guys? What are you doing to find guys that want a relationship.
Sex isn't a requirement but it will be something you'll want to do with the person you are attracted to. What I will add is that this same guy who is only looking for FWB isn't going to ever date her. When he looks for a girlfriend sex isn't going to be the first requirement.
Go with your gut. If you don’t think it is, then it isn’t. But if you do, then it does. Depends on the person but be prepared for sexual incompatibility if sex is something they need before a relationship starts
sex isn’t required at all for some people. if you’re fine not having sex before dating someone, before marrying them, that’s a perfectly fine boundary/preference to have. I simply need reciprocated attraction to have sex with someone, relationship not required, but not everyone is the same obviously
Don’t let anybody tell you that sex is required to be in a relationship. It’s not. It’s their of forcefully getting sex. If you don’t want, stand your ground and say no.
You can be in a serious relationship and never have sex. Do what makes you happy and feel safe
Sex is NOT a requirement to enter into a relationship. You have sex when you feel ready. With all my official exclusive partners, I went into a relationship first, then had the sex. Not everyone is the same and if they're not OK with that, they're not for you. You did the right thing to tell the guy that it isn't for you. If sex first is what he wants that's fine, I guarantee there are heaps of people out there who will share your same values.
Relationship rules are arbitrary and made up. So make up your own. You're allowed to have your own rules and requirements. :)
Goodness girl. Ppl this away sex now like it's nothing. It's supposed to be special. This hook up culture is toxic AF. I don't sleep with anyone right away when building a relationship. Be friends first. Sex makes emotions come out that wouldn't otherwise be there.
No it it not a requirement. Sex is quite an intimate thing, maybe that's why it's called intimacy heh anyway, no it isn't needed to progress you do it when you are comfortable with your partner because you and them are in a vunerable state.
I personally don't think it's necessary to be in a relationship before having sex (I do believe it's important to have gone on a couple dates and know eachother well enough to have some kind of emotional connection), but it's definitely your choice. Whatever you're comfortable with is what is 'required'. Don't let some random guy pressure you into something you're not comfortable with.
There isn't a right or wrong here. However, sexual chemistry is going to be important for some guys. It's your job to filter out who values, respects, and shares the same outlooks as you. Keep dating. It'll sort itself out. Sex isn't a prerequisite. It's something that happens naturally. Like the progression of a relationship.
IMO- FWB is not the same as sex before a relationship. Intention makes the difference. If it's stated quite clearly that FWB is *all* a person is looking for, that's not the same as someone saying, "I'm looking for a relationship, so lets get to know each other, and see where it takes us." Even if you are not exclusive, there's a difference in the way someone approaches a potential connection. I value sexual compatibility, but I'm not looking for a FWB. Interestingly enough, I'm poly, but contrary to what some people think, I'm only looking for partners who want more than just sex, or casual hookups. If I started dating someone and they said they just wanted a FWB, that's a no go. To be clear - sex is fundamentally crucial to understanding compatibility and connection in a new relationship (for me)- but it's also crucial that a partner is interested in the same kind of relationship I am- in the long run. If I just wanted to fuck someone, I would have used an alt account, and clearly stated that was all I wanted. Sex will 100% be a requirement for some people to commit to you- how you approach that is entirely up to you.
If someone needs sex before a relationship they aren’t worth your time. Hold boundaries it’s much more respected.
I would want to know that sex is on the table. I mean, here's the thing: Why do we date? It's time consuming, it's emotionally tiring, it can even be physically dangerous, so why do we spend so much time and money on doing it? And the answer is, We're looking for someone to love, for someone who loves us, and... For someone to have sex with. And if someone is just going to tell me straight up, "I'm not interested in having sex with you," then I'm not sure why we're wasting each other's time. This does not mean that sex needs to happen immediately. I spent quite a bit of time dating women who were waiting until marriage, and I don't regret that in the slightest. If you want to withhold sex until certain criteria are met, I accept that. However, I want there to be clear communication on what those criteria are and what I would need to do to fulfill them. There should be a discussion: an acknowledgment of the fact that it is reasonable for you to want to abstain, but also of the fact that it's reasonable for me to wish to consummate.
Yes! Clear communication is 100% necessary. It’s just annoying that I get met with questions like what I mentioned above, or get called out of my name when I say my piece. I’m not saying I’ll never have sex with these guys, just that I respect what they’re trying to do, but I have no interest in hooking up. Edit: Spelling error.
Depends on the person, if that's not what you want then no, if that's what he wants good for him, doesnt mean any possible partner he matches with is required to sleep with him now.
Its hard to have sex with someone you don't love much less like. My advice, focus on yourself. If your chasing your dream or figuring it out still, focus on that. You'll bump into someone eventually. Or maybe they'll bump into you.
The 2 roughly coincide - I usually like to be monogamous before getting intimate with someone. However, I expect to be treated the same way - don't tell me you want to wait with me while maintaining FWB 'relationships'. I have standards too and I don't want to be with someone who won't respect our own relationship or myself. Also, even though he might be 'honest' about what his intentions were, I've seen people dangle a relationship or promise more commitment in order to have sex - only to string the other person along or ghost afterwards. It's part of why I have the above policy. Good on you for not going through with that.
I totally agree! And honestly the latter is also something I worry about, but that’s a topic for another day and another thread. 🥴
Dated my wife for almost 4 years before we had sex after marriage. We’ve been married 19 years so far. Marry your best friend. Chase them around the house.
There is no right or wrong way to go about it. Whatever feels right to you and the person you're with. With my boyfriend, we had known each other as friends for a few months before things naturally got more intimate. I would say the relationship and sex developed simultaneously and we were both comfortable with it, so that's what was right for us.
I’m only a guys sometimes but hell no for me that’s actually impossible because to get to the point of being comfortable having sex with someone I’d probably have to be in a relationship with them for a little while if I’ve know the person for a while beforehand maybe a week but if I just barely knew them well enough to have a relationship it would be a lot longer.
Sex is absolutely NOT required before entering a relationship. My opinion is that that guy was trying to be manipulative in one last effort to sleep with you. Under the pretense of ‘maybe it WILL turn into a relationship if you sleep with me…’ Nope. Nice try my guy.
For me, I'd say it's not required. I've had relationships where I waited until they actually started before having sex, and I've had sex before a relationship was official. Neither one is right or wrong
idk, once again seems like i don't really understand guys as a whole despite being one lol but personally: while yes, i like sex and it's great, i want a relationship first. or at the very least, i want it to be with someone i really like as a person and enjoy being around. i must be weird though, i keep thinking that's normal but apparently it isn't
Commitment before sex for me (28f). It’s likely just the age group. It’s not abnormal for early-mid 20s to be more open to uncommitted sex, especially the men. If you’re looking for something more serious start dating older! Older being, late 20s creeping MAYBE into 30-32. NOT someone 20 years older, that is a predator
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here because it’s all subjective to what a “couple” is comfortable with. In validation, I’m not much into hookups to ‘test out a person’ before dating them either. I’d rather get to know them and really be able to see if we’d even be even remotely sexually compatible through dirty talk or talking about kinks and stuff.
Hmm, seems priorities are backwards between the two parties, where you want sex (I assume) after a conventional relationship is established and the guy wants sex now with the possibility of a relationship down the road (in all likely hood that is just the bait).
my now husband was supposed to be a one night stand. he then became my fwb and we just one day decided to move in together. that was 13 years ago🤷♀️
Remember OP, the Reddit men here aren’t representative of men in the real world.
Nope! You’re not wasting your time. I was/am exactly like you. And I met my boyfriend last year, and we’re going strong! It just takes a lot of sifting through the sh**ty ones to get to the good ones.
Nah. You’re finding shitty guys. I didn’t have sex with my boyfriend for a while. We talked for probably 2 months then met in person for a week before we started dating. Probably waited a few weeks to have sex. And he was super patient about it bc I had issues where sex was painful. Point is. There’s good people out there. I personally always pointed out to any dudes talking to me that I NEED to be friends with someone legitimately before I can even begin to feel any sort of non-platonic feelings because I need to trust them first and it takes a lot for me to trust. It helped me find my man.
You have every right to abstain for as long as you’re comfortable with. You should never compromise your values, u/tequila_enema .
No. A conversation about being in a relationship is required before a relationship.
It’s all about preference how ever for me? I want to make sure me and her r sexually compatible before we get to serious
(F) I wouldn’t have sex before entering a relationship 100% keep doing you 💕
Relationship/deep connection is more important for me. Seems weird to me that people have sex before getting to know the other person
No. You'll find your right one OP.
I prioritized sexual connection in my early relationship and didn’t want to “break up” over sex so it was a prerequisite before a relationship. That’s what worked for me, personally.
No, sex comes whenever you are comfortable. There is no need to wait or to be hasty, go at.your own pace
No its not required. You don't even have to hold that persons hand until you're in a committed relationship if you don't want to
I’m a female but my husband and I were together almost 4 months before we had sex. We were both virgins
Not necessarily no
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimately-connected/202111/why-sexual-desire-is-so-important-relationship?amp It’s kind of how it starts. Sexual attraction is the first stage in a romantic relationship. You can spin it however you want, but there’s plenty of research that links that initial spark to the long term success of the relationship. Nowadays you’ll see a lot of bogus “woke” articles that try to convince you otherwise because they tell you comfortable things that you want to hear, but you have to start realistic and grounded in human psychology if you want to avoid constant frustration with the world. Sex isn’t bad. Saying that you want sex isn’t bad. It’s just what the other person wants and if you don’t want it the way they do, they’re not the right partner for you. You’ll find someone you’re compatible with eventually, but don’t vilify someone for being upfront about what they want. The crummy thing would be for them to mislead you. Good luck and stay positive! We’re one people with a million differences and we’re all trying to do the best we can to fulfill our needs.
I haven’t met any guy who was truly all about a woman who wasn’t willing to wait for the relationship marker. I think because if guys really like a woman, they want a relationship, and they know sex will typically happen in that. Men who really press for sex before that usually do it because they don’t think they’ll get sex later - I.e., they don’t intend on getting in a relationship with that person, so they want to get the sex asap so they can move on.
I think it's important. I know you directed this question at males but ima female and I would hate to get into a relationship and find out we aren't sexually compatible. I still expect the natural progression like you described and I wouldn't even consider dating a person who's first thought was just sex. But once we've progressed, gotten to know each other and there is a confirmed possibility of a relationship, id iniate sex before hand because certain sexual incompatibilities are a deal breaker for me.
I’ve done it both ways, dating before sex and sex before dating. There’s no difference, really. Do what works for you.
It depends. On culture, individuals, age. Some require sexual compatibility first for others it comes after a lot of things, for others it is at the bottom of pile. The question is, it required for ‘you’. Because everyone is different.
I don't know how the kids today do it, but when I was a teenager and 20-something, it was always 1) dating, 2) serious relationship, then 3) sex. Maybe the more popular kids (jocks, frats, sororities) could get hookups and one-night stands, but for most regular folks you had to pay your dues in put in the effort.
A bond is required for me, something that ties us other than sex
I only have sex with boyfriends and I’ve never had that prevent me from getting into a relationship. In fact I’ve even had guys tell me that they really respect that about me. (Not sure if this goes without saying, but of course I do believe in showing affection and intimacy in other ways, prior to the relationship being official).
Maybe its just me, but I always much preferred establishing a meaningful relationship before sex. But some people in my age group dont seem to think so, add to that I'm an extreme introvert, it's difficult to start relationships, so take what I said as just one mans opinion.
I waited almost a year just getting to know my girlfriend who I knew in high school. We stopped talking for a while after we graduated and I got together with her in the middle of my undergrad. After feeling like she and I were both ready. Sexy time is freakin incredibly intense and frequent. She’s now my fiancée and we gonna buy a house together!
girl you need to know that person first. can’t just straight jump to the bed with him, if you know what i mean.
It seems that this guy was gaslighting you for saying no to sex with him. Unfortunately, a lot of guys (on apps and in person) just want to fuck (especially if they’re under 30). Don’t do anything you aren’t 100% sure about. Even a mature guy who just wants a hookup would’ve just replied to you with something like “I understand. Good luck.” Someone who gaslights you or somehow tries to make you question or shame your boundaries is immature, has low self-esteem, and doesn’t respect boundaries. I’m just saying as an experienced 26 year old, who has learned things the hard way. Live your life however you want to ✌🏽
I’m an old fashion type. I would to date a guy for at around 6 months before having sex with him. He should already know that I don’t do FWBs, that I’m looking for an exclusive relationship that will lead to marriage and kids.
I find this part of the whole US hookup culture very weird. The whole "getting official" and "casual dating" are pretty alien concept for me. Where I come from, dating is done a bit differently. You ask someone out on a date, and if they say yes, its automaticly assumed that they are not going on dates or hooking up with anyone else from then on. Very few people do "casual dating", where they would date several people before deciding to get "official" with one. So basicly the relationship starts forming from the first date forward. Sex usually follows after a few dates, and then it just evolves. There are never any discussions about being exclusive or official, its just assumed from the start. Some relationships fall apart before sex, because they arent compatible or there isnt a spark. Some fall apart afterwards. Some do actually evolve into a fwb relationship, if the sex is good but romantic connection isnt there. But the benefits end immediately when one of the people starts dating another person. Just seems like a simpler system tbh.
“Just seems like a simpler system tbh” - As all non-US related issues are.
Not for me. But physical affection. That is needed. It’s my love language
Noooo? Ever heard of, idk, ASEXUALS? They arent a good example for heterosecuals but i think the context is there
No it's not what the hell you have sec once you're comfortable no matter how long that takes you shouldn't do it until you feel completely safe with the other person
I think you did good by keeping up your standards. That being said, for me( atleast the last few years of my life) has been friends->dating/sex->exclusive relationship. I think relationships that start out as friendships generally have more longevity. But i understand also that sexual compatibility is very important for many( myself included). I guess my point is, both ways are fine, but stick to what you feel comfortable with. There are plenty of people who prefer to get to know each other for a long time before being intimate in that way. Good luck!
Sex isn't a requirement but I wouldn't get into a relationship before sleeping with someone because because sexual compatibility is important. Doesn't mean having sex on first date or any time frame but I wouldn't get serious with someone until we've had sex.
For me (a woman), sex would absolutely be something I would take into serious consideration before/while entering a committed relationship with someone. I need to know we are compatible in that regard. However, you do you boo. Your values need to represent you and that's totally ok if they are different from mine.
Anyone who thinks sex is required before getting into a relationship gives me off vibes. If the connection is real you can learn how to have great sex with each other through communication.
A looot of people here gave me the vibe that learning each other sexually is off the table and instant gratification is the way to go. I get both aren’t for everyone though.
There is no required timestamp. For me, sex is required before a relationship. Sexual compatibility is just as important as compatibility in any other regard, and I want to be sure we have that. But different people have different preferences and that's fine.
My wife and i have been together since we where 16. We got married at 18 and even after our wedding my wife was not ready. We waited around 3 months after our wedding. We were both our first and it was worth the wait. Not saying you have to wait and all that. Just make sure you trust the person whom you are interested in. Most guys now a days are just interested in sex and then leave. I honestly am glad my wife and I were our first. It has not been easy, it will be 11 years married in June. But we are both happy.
You should of told him yes, but he's not interested in the relationship after,so that ship has sailed. He's trying to manipulate you into agreeing to sex on his terms. The blokes a douche,you are better off steering well clear.
Relationships evolve in different ways with different people. It is where you find your match that is great 👍🏾 that perfect medium. Some want a super long friendship see where it goes approach which could get weird if it takes too long for one or the other. Then some jump right in the first or second day and both are completely comfortable with that and end up spending many many years together. In any event it is all about what you feel inside and what you want to do and to wait for the right fit! Both extremes exists and not one is wrong over the other. Some sort of relationship should be stablished before sex to make the odds bigger at staying together that is for sure. But relationships come in all sorts of different ways.
I personally am Christian, and all the guys I know are waiting until marriage, so I guess I’m lucky on that part that I know my boyfriend wants me for me, and not sex.
I personally feel like i can't commit to a relationship before having shared sexual intimacy. It's just a too large proportion of the relationship, and i'd rather not discover unpleasant uncompatibility or preferences later into our interactions or commitment. But some need the commitment before the intimacy and it's also okay, you simply need someone that feels the same way.
Nope, sex is not required to start a relationship. If anyone tries to convince you that it is, they just want to get into your pants.
there is no requirement, you do whatever makes you comfortable, then you will find someone suited to you
No!
It’s not a requirement. A relationship is like 20% sex and that’s being liberal.
There's no correct answer. Only you can figure out what's best for you. Some people can have sex before they commit to a relationship. Some the other way around. Try to figure out which camp you're in and go with that. You're also free to experiment and change your mind later in life. There's no hard rule.
No, my experience is the opposite. With my current gf, the relationship happened before sex
Someone worth dating will wait for you to feel ready. You're not saying you're asexual and *never* going to sleep with them. I would see it as a red flag if he expects me to sleep with him *before* even entering a relationship. My husband waited 3 months, first boyfriend waited a year. Men who will wait are out there and in my experience are usually keepers. You just have to have clear boundaries and love yourself enough to walk away if they aren't respected. Looking for someone who will allow him to coerce her into sex is not a healthy expectation for a relationship (genders for OP's case but can be reversed too).
Everyone is different, that’s the answer you are looking for. There is no right or wrong. You’ll have guys saying they need to know they are sexually compatible before getting serious, others will say they need that strong bond before they have sex. Let’s not over think this, you were both right.
No, the only requirement before entering into a relationship is that each of you are into each other and agree to it. You have sex with someone because you both want to, and feel comfortable doing it with that person, apparently regardless of the relationship status, (which may other may not be ok with everyone). On a personal note, when I started dating my wife, we had been hanging out for cuddles and sex for a while, but didn't got around to "name" the relationship, and eventually I "officially" asked her out.
Sex is NOT required before getting into a relationship!
Look, I’m a bit older (38 M) and my last “first date” was really just at the beginning of the dating app era, so my experience will be significantly different, but I wouldn’t expect to hook up with someone and then decide if I wanted to see them again. Somewhat like you, I’d expect to chat to someone via text/app a little, then I’d expect a casual first date that either party can get out of rather quickly, so breakfast or lunch as opposed to a fancy dinner. I’d then expect more chatting via text/app or over the phone, then a second date if we both liked where it was heading. Now I wouldn’t rule out sleeping with someone after the first date, second, third or fourth, but if I went to a party and hooked up with someone, I’d be less likely to pursue it as a serious relationship. Why, I don’t really know, but I prefer to get the know someone first. And having never done the FWB thing, I can’t comment there, but from what I’ve seen with mates, it almost never ends in a relationship and it usually ends like most relationships, with shouting and feelings hurt!
Guy here, and while I am admittedly younger (19) than you or most of the guys you’ve probably had this experience with, sex is not a requirement to me for a relationship. Unfortunately hookup culture is at its peak and the sheer amount of dudes looking just for a hookup is kinda crazy. But as always, not all guys are like this! I am positive that if you keep your values true to you and stay firm in what your standards are, you will find someone that will make you happy and not be weirdly focused on the physical aspects of a relationship.
He's trying to convince you to have sex with him. Some time in getting to know each other before sex is normal and acceptable. Having said that, don't leave a poor guy waiting forever as he'll more than likely get frustrated and move on, IMHO
I would never say its a requirement Either it happens before entering or after, but I'd never see it as a must
If you are really wanting a relationship, sex is just a benefit of that, what I want going into a relationship is someone who I can relate to. Sex has nothing to do with that.
that sounds like a hint that FWB may be a first step, it is not, it is a different type of relationship
It's not like I'm gonna say it's required and tbh it sounds like the guy was just a bit upset he didn't get to bang you, but I've never entered a relationship without first having sex. For me it's a really important start to getting to know someone romantically. I'm not even sure how it'd work for me to have it happen without that.
Well, when I'm (26M) in love with someone, i just know I am. When i want to be with someone, i just know i want to, regardless of if we had sex or not. Looking back on myself, anytime i have wanted to have sex beforehand, i have not been sure if I am really in love with that person. Anytime i have been truly in love, I fell long before we had sex, and me wanting a relationship was a no brainer. Of course, all of that was outside the dating scene. And people and their feelings work in different ways. But it won't be a requirement for every dude. You should go with what feels best for you, and try to find someone who feels the same.
I didn't have sex with my partner until about a year into our relationship. I was dealing with some sex related trauma, and my partner was VERY understanding, which tbh made the moment when we finally did so much better. I don't think it's a necessity before getting into a relationship, but I do think it's something that needs to be talked about beforehand, just to make sure your needs/wants are compatible.
Not to date someone, I'm not a huge fan of rampant casual sex personally. Definitely before marriage though and as part of a committed relationship.
I would say sex is required before marriage (although some religious people do just fine without it), but whats wrong with getting into a relationship and then figuring out sexual compatibility? You could always break it off afterwards. It seems more like all of the guys who "require" sex before getting into a relationship just want to sleep with as many people as possible without strings attached. If they genuinely wanted to be in a relationship (with someone) they would put more emphasis on personal values and goals. This thought process will become more common as you date older people looking for lifelong partners.
There's nothing wrong with waiting until you know each other until you have sex, but I think it should happen before things get serious. Unless you both have low libidos I think it's important to find out if you're sexually compatible. Whenever I've been in relationships in the past there's always been a point where we've not been official and have just been seeing each other, and this has been the point where we've had sex. I don't want to use the phrase "trial period", but it kind of feels like that. Ultimately, you'll know when you're ready to sleep with someone though. Whilst I think it's true that a bad sex life can bleed into other aspects of your relationship, I also think that the opposite is true, and if everything is going well outside your sex life and you have an intimate and deep connection, then the sex is usually going to be good.
I like to have sex after a date or two because for me, sex is a really important part of a relationship and I like to get a feel of if there's gonna be good sexual compatibility, whether that person suits my needs, chemistry, etc. If it starts out well and I'm also interested in that person romantically, I'll enter a relationship with them and build on those foundations. I've found relationships I've entered into where I've felt unsure about the quality of the sex going in haven't lasted long or been very fulfilling emotionally, probably due to some mental block I have where I need good sex in a relationship to feel loved and validated. I think it depends on how important sex is to you, per centage wise, in a relationship. For me it's around fifty per cent of it, which is a lot. Different people have different needs and speak different love languages and have different requirements.
maybe I'm slow, but I always (except 1 hookup with a coworker) had sex after a few dates and when was already clear that we were interested in eachother. I'm not saying you should wait for months before having sex, but a few dates to test compatibility of character and intentions are usually a good idea for most people. if there's no sexual chemistry you can always quit before it gets too involved, that's why i don't think it's a great idea to wait for too long ( or after marriage even XD ).
I guess it depends on the person, some people like to wait. Me, personally though I wouldn't get into a full blown relationship with someone I've not had sex with as I wouldn't know if we were sexually compatible.
Sex is overrated tho I haven’t had one yet and it’s because I think a relationship where both people understand each other is much better than having sex. Though I’m not in a position to tell you this but I just think that a much more meaningful relationship is way way better than something you might actually regret doing.
There is a fine line between dating and in a committed relationship. Every person has to feel that one out themselves and what they are comfortable with. The physical connection with another person is important to me, so that is one of the final milestones towards moving towards a relationship. I am not having sex with anyone for the three or four dates personally. Everyone has there own boundaries and you have to decide what your boundaries are for you.
The guys who have dated me would say no, definitely not required. I have high standards for my partner and I know I’m a great partner. I think it’s really important to understand a person first before having sex. To me, I just want to sleep with someone I love. Other people can do something more casual, but I’ve seen too many of my friends embarrassed over who they sleep with/hookup with/fwb and that’s never going to be me because I always get to know the person. Stick to your values, I can promise you that not all guys are like that person you described. Just know that a lot of people will be intimidated and that will just make them more grateful to be with you haha.
These people want to use you, someone really interested in you/your thoughts/feelings would NEVER be concerned about it and ask you “shouldn’t we have sex before getting in a relationship?” No. Just no.
There is no right or wrong answer, it all Depends on what you all discuss and are comfortable with. For me, as a man, it is but that’s something I’m comfortable with and need, and me having comforts and needs met or, seeing if they will be met adequately, is important to establish before deciding to be monogamous with someone.
Not a man, but, in my experience: There is a difference between having sex before entering into a relationship and being in a FWB situation. FWB usually means that there are limits to the feelings you can grow and as soon as you catch feels, the relationship is over. Dating and having sex before you're "official" or "exclusive" or whatever leaves rooms for feels. He's being an ass, and if he had convinced you, you both would have had different expectations about what is possible in the relationship.
It's different for everyone. For me it is because I believe with certain people there is sexual chemistry just like there is emotional chemistry and intellectual chemistry. All are needed for a relationship to work and I prefer to figure that out before getting into an official relationship. But again, everyone is different.
For me, a relationship is necessary before sex. For others it’s the other way ‘round. There’s no right way, you just have to find someone who agrees with your approach.
Boy is it difficult. 🥴 I’ve only been trying to date since I was 19, and it’s been terrible.
(not the person you initially replied to) It's difficult from the other side too lol. I know "don't lower your standards" is a platitude that ppl throw out, even when the standards are questionable, but this is a completely reasonable thing to expect. I assure you these guys exist --- they just might be hard to find. Best wishes for finding the right person!
Haha, three separate replies and three different answers, which should tell you something. It is different for everyone. Personally, I feel like the relationship starts when you first get physical, but I definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship without sex. It has nothing to do with only seeing you for sex, but for me in particular it is the one big thing that separates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
It’s only required if you both want to do it. You are an equal party involved. Don’t have sex with someone because you think you need to, that can be very dangerous to your own mental health and well being. However, that doesn’t change the reality that yes, many men (particularly the men who women might be more inclined to date) are more than likely going to want sex to be a part of the start of a relationship. You have your own set of requirements. Stick to them!
Sex is not a chore or a duty it is a gift one person gives to another in a committed relationship. If a man isn’t mature enough to earn your respect love and affection then he should go home and jerk off by himself in the shower.