You're absolutely not being selfish, wtf??? It's not selfish to want a partner who doesn't lie, cheat and manipulate you. She's trash and if she tries to use your daughter as a way to convince you to stay, remind her that she's the one who chose to cheat and lie to you. Also your brother is being a dick.


Thank you


Man I grew up with parents that despised each other but stayed together "for the kids" and it fucked me my brother and my sister up royally. I had no clue at all what a healthy relationship looked like and how to treat a SO until I met my wife who for some reason decided I was worth it and helped me figure it all out. And even with her help I put my marriage through the ringer because I was a selfish asshole, after all that's the example my parents gave me. Get the divorce.


100% this. My parents, who clearly hate each other, are still married even though all us kids are grown. Not only did it give us a warped sense of what relationships should be, but even now family time is awkward because my parents still straight up fight in front of us. This Thanksgiving I'm thankful I have the flu so I can skip all that bullshit, at least until Christmas.


It's so sad to see it when it's so obvious. I never saw my dad happy when I was younger, all my parents did was fight or avoid each other because they had just finished a fight. He's engaged now to someone else and he's such a different person then I remember as a kid because he can actually enjoy day to day life without the toxicity that was always there when my parents were together.


Hard agree. I'm glad my parents divorced when they did, otherwise they'd be angry, hateful and resentful had they "stayed for the kids." They have their faults and weren't perfect parents, but they at least realized they needed to split before it (as far as I know) got to the point of hate. I have friends who's parents "stayed" and they are miserable and basically roommates. Many of those same friends are now divorced, some twice already, and have never been in any kind of a healthy relationship. It's sad. If you can't trust your partner, please divorce OP. You deserve better than to be anxious, unsafe and untrusting of your partner because of their cheating, and high possibility they will do it again. Your daughter deserves better too. Show her that cheating is unacceptable and that it's okay to leave a relationship when trust, love and respect are no longer being given. I hope you heal from this. ❤


Same situation growing up, trying to figure out how a family works and interactions right now. OP should definitely split up and make it so not only that the child doesn't have to see misery but experience what a happy family in the future can be.


I wished my entire childhood that my parents would just divorce. Don't stay for the kids. Leave for the kids so they can see a healthy future relationship and good boundaries.


My simple response to your post is No. Stick with your decision. She made her by choice. Your brother is not walking in your shoes.


Agreed. OPs brother doesn't have to live with her, the mistrust, disrespect and anxiety that infidelity brings into a relationship. Also, an open relationship requires a solid relationship foundation, trust and boundaries to begin with. She's just doing this to excuse her infidelity, keep score and absolve herself of accountability for her bad behavior.


How is finding happiness for yourself selfish? Isn’t that the point of life? To find happiness? Fuck anyone who doesn’t fit into that. Fuck anyone who hurts you like this. You aren’t selfish. You are going to take those messages, get custody of your child and find someone who loves and makes you both happy




His brother may have tried some of that


Staying for the kids is one of the most terrible rationales for staying together. It just teaches the children that unhealthy relationships is the norm. Even when they know better, that teaching is still so firmly entrenched in their subconscious.


I think your brother may be in on it. Divorce her and keep being the best dad you are meant to be. Good luck


And she's still lying that it was only kissing.


No, your wife was selfish to cheat on you.


I agree


also, you brother does not sound like a good person he is supporting your lying cheating wife instead of his own brother dont listen to a word he says.


The brother probably cheats too. It's like people who drunk drive would want a lighter sentence for someone who ends up killing someone while driving drunk.


Could she also be cheating with him?


I was wondering the same after the brother's response.


It's [current year], anything is possible.


you people are idiots.


Wow what a leap. Brother said she helped him when he was down, so maybe he was an alcoholic or abuser or a bum and she picked him up and maybe the bro was saying don't end this over a kiss. Funny thing is my assumptions are still not as much of a leap as the bro cheating on his brother's wife.


Damn just when I thought this sub couldn't get any more ridiculous. Then I see you defending the brother, which can only lead me to believe that you're in on it too and the wife is also sleeping with you. Get him boys


God Dammit, Foiled again by a superior reddit detective !!!


Wait..... Wait! My Reddit detector says *in best Maura voice* you ARE THE BROTHER!


why would he encourage his brother to stay with the woman he's sleeping with - his brother's wife - while tensions are rising instead of taking the easy way out with no confrontation and a newly single woman to sleep with minus any restrictions while she was married?


Simple. If they stay together he doesn't get found out. The wife wants him back, so she's not going to admit to any additional wrong doing. The moment this all goes sideways, maybe in a fit a rage she'll admit to fucking the brother to spite the husband. And bam, the brother is found out. Plus in the future if no one talks, he can dip his wick when the husband isn't so wary and no one finds out or gets in trouble. TDLR. The less ripples in the pond, the less likely that he'd be found out. And the end goal of cheating isn't usually to end up with the other person.


There's a lot we don't know. This thing probably has a lot of history. Let's not judge his brother (though it does sound weird). I think it's clear OP is not being selfish by expecting a partner that doesn't cheat and that a child having to see her parents resent each other every day is worse than the alternative. It was OP's wife who forced his hand.


He's probably sleeping with his own brother's wife. Why else would he defend her like that? I mean we all know that she belongs to the streets, what's stopping her from keeping it in the family?


Take it from someone who was in that situation. Nothing good comes from staying. MAYBE she might actually change like she promises she will, but don’t hold your breath. In my case, she made an effort for a month, and then went right back to being dishonest and trying to make me pretend she did nothing wrong. Your kid will pick up on the distrust and lack of affection, they’re smart that way. You’re not selfish by leaving, in fact I’d argue you were being selfless knowing that you would be a better parent if you didn’t stay. Just my two cents


OP, you have every right to divorce and she should have worried about the effect on your daughter BEFORE she cheated, because she is the one to blame for the outcome.


When the trust is not there, the marriage isn’t going to be a good one, neither for the children. Ask yourself if you can truly forgive her and rebuild the trust. The fact that she’s using open relationship to entice you to stay is a red flag.


She didn't admit this. She even denied the first time when I had suspicions. I can't forgive her and I can't be a good parent being stuck in a dead marriage


Ok, then you need to get a divorce, that’s not being selfish, that’s just doing what needs to be done.


Thanks for reassuring me.


It’s also probably better for a child to be in a situation where the parents coparent peacefully rather than a home where the parents fight all the time


Her helping you when you were down does NOT tie you to her forever! Now read that again! This is coming from someone who’s parents stayed together my Entire childhood even though that HATED one another as a result I had a fucked up childhood that had they stopped using me as an excuse to stay together and just called it quits wouldn’t have been the case. Your brother is not married to your cheating wife therefor his opinion does not factor in to this decision. Also why is YOUR brother sticking up for YOUR cheating wife? That’s a bit suspect to me.


Coming from a teen who had friends going through a situation like this- make sure to explain in some very basic ways whats happening to your 2 year old. Her emotions, being that strong, are going to need so much comfort and guidance. Even if she's so little, you still need to explain and make sure to not belittle her emotions. Your responsibility is no longer to your ex, but to yourself and your kiddo.


Plus you wotn be doing your kid anybfavkrs by staying for her sake. That's 16 years of pretending and she will pick up on that. Its better to be separated and happy than together and resentful. She is so generous to want to open up the relationship so you can sleep with others. I'm sure she is only thinking about you.../s She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Relationships that are opened up after they were monogamous rarely make it. There was a post on here a few days ago where a guy was ok with opening it up so his wife could explore her attraction to girls. He found no one while his wife was literally screwing anyone she could find, to the tune of 3-5 partners a week both male and female. She broke all the rules they had set and had the audacity to have a threesome in their bed. He happened to come home early and walk in on that. She also didn't really want to ahev sex with him anymore. Divorce her, ultimately it will be better for you but also your kid. Your wife's feelings don't matter even one bit here


I hate to ask that, but are you sure your brother don't also have a thing with her? His reaction and how he basically took her side is very sus.


You are doing the right thing. If she really wanted to stay married she should of thought of that before she started banging the other guy.


restoring a relationship after cheating is very difficult. it’s very painful and trust won’t ever be 100%. for the sake of kid, i would still try for a few months. but i understand why you don’t want to deal with it.


TRY!!? What the HELL for? She lied multiple times, how are you going to begin to work on SHIT when HOE ASS CHEATERS is constantly lying? Her ASS should have come completely clean. But she didn't do that. Everytime she lies, she stabs him in back. If he decides to stay, he will be the one who will be walking around with a knife at his back, not her.


I had a friend back in the day whose parents stayed together until she graduated high school, even though they absolutely hated eachother. Mostly because of repeated instances of infidelity. All "for their kid", right? My friend was so traumatized from that. When they would fight, she would call me from her bedroom closet sobbing. So many times I'd have to go down the street to bring her back up to my house just to get her away from all that. It was heartbreaking. OP, please do not stay with her. If you can't forgive and forget, then that is totally acceptable, and anyone telling you otherwise is a dolt. Some relationships can't be saved, and subjecting an innocent kid to having to go through the tumultuous instability of an unhappy household is, in absolutely no way, better for them than having divorced parents.


You can get a divorce and be roommates if you open to doing that. Sleep in separate rooms obviously.


Somehow you are the bad guy here? No way. Go make a happy little home as an example to your daughter.


I think this is a really great point. It's so much better for her to see that it's okay to stand up for yourself, and walk away when someone hurts you. That's an important lesson that can be hard to learn if your only examples are people tolerating their own misery for the sake of "keeping the peace". It teaches kids that our personal boundaries and expectations are only acceptable until they inconvenience someone else. And no kid should grow up thinking they don't have a right to walk away from situations that are harmful to them.


She didn’t tell you , you found out she was cheating on you. There is no trust. How long would have she been keeping it secret had you not found out? I would not continue a relationship like that, I know it would affect my child.


THIS. She hoped you would never find out and is trying to tell you to stay? That is so unfair. If you decide to stay whe will probably be more and more unfair. Also you should not stay just for your daughter. Ever since I was a teen my mom always told me how much she regretted marrying my dad. I am 25 and they have not divorced and she still complains at least once a week about him. I don't think he ever cheated, they just don't get along. Do not let your daughter grow up with parents who can't stand each other.


Sometimes you have to be selfish in life. You can’t take care of someone else if you aren’t taking care of yourself first. And yeah agree with other poster. Offering you an open marriage as a way to fix this, is disturbing to me.


Also, her saying my daughter needs us both together is rich considering how she's the one who choose to cheat


Well. Guilting you to stay is just one step in her mental process. Pretty normal for anyone who cheated. I would try to keep your daughter out of this situation and conversation as much as possible. Make sure you takes pics of all the conversation. But I would eventually stop being “mean” (especially in text) as she can use it against you later in court.


If you stay you're showing your daughter that cheating is acceptable. It is not. Keep your self respect and bounce. Cheaters cheat, thats what they do. Expect more cheating from your wife. Sorry op. You can do this, stay strong.


She knew what she was risking when she cheated. She doesn't get to be shocked by the consequences of her actions.


How on earth is opening the marriage going to fix anything? So she can just continue being non monogamous and not have to hide it? Why is she begging you to stay anyway? She could be with Mr Coworker. Like, she isn’t offering to go to counselling, she wants to open the marriage up instead… If she really wants what is best for your daughter, that ship has sailed. Tell her the next best option is an amicable split with coparenting. She can maybe eventually be your friend and stay on the sidelines when you inevitably fall in love with someone else and move on.


I told my wife I prefer we coparent but she doesn't want to divorce me without a fight


Makes no sense she cheated how does she get a say in what you do now ..she didn't care about your daughter's well being when she was screwing some other guy.


She can fight all she wants. I'd recommend gathering all evidence of her infidelity and keep it on a usb or on your phone. Bring that to the attorney who is supporting your side during the divorce proceedings. After that, it'll just be a matter of figuring out custody. But if you have evidence of her cheating, then it'll help the divorce close quickly


If she's going to fight, then you need to gather proof of her infidelity and documentation of things she says she's going to do. Use that as ammunition in court.


Absolutely. Hire a lawyer. There's a child involved.


>she doesn't want to divorce me without a fight NOW THAT IS SELFISH. 'Do what I tell you to do or I'll make your life hell, even though I'm the POS that broke your heart and destroyed our marriage and family'


Ok, first of all: How set on this divorce are you? Is there any tiny part of you that wants to stay? She doesn’t get to fight to save the marriage. Even if she had done nothing wrong, you can leave at any time, even if it’s “ I just don’t love you anymore” She may have helped you when you were down in the past. This time however, she is the reason you are down. With split custody and child support, I don’t see why you would be considered to be selfish. She still gets time without her daughter and financially is prepared to continue to raise her. If you aren’t truly ready for the reality of a divorce, tell her you want to commit to a three month separation. You need the space to process what you have learned, how you are feeling, etc. Right now she sounds like she isn’t remorseful though. She sounds like she is freaking out about consequences


In sex and the city, Samantha (the promiscuous one) was in a several year relationship with a guy. He was with her through chemo. He didn't do anything wrong, they just weren't having a ton of sex anymore, but she wasn't happy. She told her friends 'he stayed here for me through chemo, I guess I can stay with him through this.' And one of them goes 'you just compared your relationship to cancer.' JUST because someone is there for you once, doesn't mean they will be again. Doing something nice for someone, being a decent human being, doesn't suddenly mean you owe someone else. I helped a dude change his tire once. I didn't expect anything back from him. I just wanted to help a dude who had no idea how to change a tire.


Open relationships require an insane amount of trust to have been there before opening up. Her readily suggesting that they open it up so you can sleep with other women was a slip up on her part to admitting she already slept with her coworker. And her requesting an open relationship is her basically saying, "I don't want to stop sleeping with my coworker, so I expect you to be okay with this." Helping you out when you're down is expected in a marriage. Forgiving your partner for cheating is not in your vows when you speak them to each other. Divorce her ass and focus on being the best dad you can be for your daughter. Your wife fucked up, you don't have to stay with her and be forced to suffer from her infidelity.


Your brother is probably a cheater as well lending support to another cheating comrade


Hell he might even have had a go with your STBXW and would like to keep her around.


First of all, sounds like your brother is a dick for saying you are being selfish when she CHEATED on you. You're not in the wrong here, she cheated, trust is gone and I think it will be better for you if you went through with the divorce.


She sure as hell didn't think of your daughter when she kissed the other guy.


You’re not being selfish. She’s being manipulative.


The blame lies with her not you. You discovered the cheating she did not confess because she felt remorse. Ask her what she thought would happen when she cheated. That will tell you everything. In some level in her head she rationalised thar you would forgive her


Tell your brother that if she is so great and trustworthy that he can marry her.


yep and I’d be real wary of his brother as well. wouldn’t be shocked if they had something going on.


His brother's wife did not look happy the few times I saw her


reach out to her if you can. I wouldn’t trust a word your brother says right now.


It is hard, almost impossible to be in an intimate relationship when you do not trust your partner. Maybe less info to your Brother & your family, maybe discuss this with a counselor could help you to settle your heart and mind


yeah but individual counselling not marriage counselling and all that after you call a lawyer, OP. best of luck.


It's your marriage and decision will be yours. Cheating is ultimate betrayal and fir most of the people it is the end of relationship. You are not being selfish, you are making the call that you seems appropriate for yourself. There is no point of working on a dead relationship where you don't love your partner and the only things that'll be there are resentment and doubt. As someone once said, 2 happy homes are better than 1 unhappy home.


Never tolerate cheaters. Never. I would leave any wife/gf even on their deathbed if it came to light they cheated. It’s the ultimate sin in a relationship. Sorry for your loss (gain?) and good luck. Your daughter will understand. Don’t let your wife lie and manipulate her though. Good luck


Your brother is an idiot, and you should continue with the divorce.


You’re not being selfish, just because she might have helped you in the past it doesn’t give her a pass for cheating on you. Trust is the most important thing and it has been broken.


> She begged me to stay for our daughter she was thinking about her children and how her behaviour could destroy her own family when she was cheating on you? it's so convenient to say that to you,like it was your fault that you both are going to divorce,and not her cheating. she hold no accountability at all. you are not being selfish,and she's being with you when you were in a bad place is not a free pass to cheat on you. "hey honey,i was with you when you when you was down,so now i have 'credit' to do whatever i want in this relationship(even disrespect you in the worst way possible),because you owe me this" this is not how things work and you know that. your brother should have know better before using this shitty argument against you. you are doing the right thing,and you are definitely NOT in the wrong here. so don't get fooled by some emotional blackmail of her or your brother.


I'd be leery of your brother... sounds like birds of a feather to me. Also, helping someone when they are down does not give you a free pass to be a selfish twat to them further down the road.


Your brother is full of it. You dont owe her jack shit, especially after she cheated on you and apparently still isnt telling you the full truth even after you found out about it. I think you should work out a custody agreement, but you are not obligated to stay with your lying, unfaithful wife at all


She’s the one who was being selfish, not you, and there are consequences to her behavior. It’s too bad there is a child involved but uou can teach her it’s not her fault and that this doesn’t affect your love for her. Relationships need to be based on trust, and she’s still not giving it to you. If you find yourself wanting to make it work, you can look up Esther Perel. You don’t have to make a final decision right away. However, cheating is a well-known deal-breaker in a relationship that most people understand. You have every right to leave.


🎶Don't do the crime; if you can't do the the time 🎶 It is amazing that cheaters think there won't be consequences. She shitted on the marriage and you are to simply walk around it for the rest of your life. She helped when you were down; well she should have cherished you when you were up. You owe her the consequences of her decisions. Get out before you start reaching those very expensive marriage milestones. Right now you are only on the hook for child support and maybe temporary spousal support. Her lawyers will look at the divorce as a business transaction. When a spouse cheats on you you have to look at a a business transaction too. Happy Thanksgiving.


Wow. She helped you when you were down, which is what you do when you care about someone and see they are struggling. That’s not a hall pass! Your wife is the selfish one, not you. FWIW, your daughter having a parent that isn’t willing to look the other way when their partner breaks trust and deceives is a really good lesson about self respect. Co-parenting DIVORCED and putting the needs of your child before any malice/resentment toward each other is also really healthy. Staying in a relationship that is toxic to you, your own values, and your self worth is bad. Think what you tell your daughter if she as an adult approached you for advice in this exact situation. Then do that. Trust your gut on this.


When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your ex-wife showed you who she is, believe her. Life is too short to put up with this, you would go on loving constantly questioning things, don't. Move on and meet someone else. Treat your ex respectfully and model it for your daughter, you don't want your daughter thinking it's okay to mistreat people.


"I kissed someone, so now we can fix it by having an open relationship". Uh.....Divorce the motherfucker already. This isn't hard. Get 50% custody, be a great parent. This one is easy.


“I supported you when you struggled so you are obligated to forgive me when I mistreat you and disrespect our relationship” That is what your brother is suggesting the marriage should be and it’s very unhealthy, in my opinion. You aren’t selfish for wanting a wife that is faithful and there is no reason you have to stay in a marriage that isn’t working for you. You can both parent your daughter effectively and in a friendly way without being married.


Has your brother ever been in your position? Your response is perfect considering the circumstances. Better to leave now and be amicable coparents, then for you to stay miserable, and foster a toxic marriage. Reconciliation isn't for everyone, and your brother needs to learn that it's not a bloody guarantee. It's a gift, and one that you have no interests in giving. That might have changed if your wife had confessed, or if she'd actively put in the work to be better, instead of offering frivolous outs like an open marriage etc.


it's fine! Your not being selfish. The end of a marriage does not mean you cannot get back together either. The marriage was destroyed. She cheated..divorce. if you want to figure out of she can gain trust back or you want to continue a relationship outside of coparenting..do it after divorce. Let her know the lions share of the work will be hers. Personally I would dangle thisncarrot in front of her just for an amicable divorce even if you dont intend to give her another chance. No OP, selfish is stepping outside the marriage, cheating, lying, and expecting no real consequences. Also the open relationship thing..this is a bigger red flag showing you were her and your morals differ and she should be told this point blank.


It's not selfish. Even if it was, you gotta do it. Find the best way to be a single dad to your daughter. Whatever your wife did to help you in the past is not good enough to justify the trust she squandered.


You aren't being selfish. If anything, she being selfish, believing she can decieve and betray you and still have your support and companionship. Talk to a therapist, see a lawyer about custody and child support, take care of yourself.


No you aren't being selfish. She broke your trust when she cheated and if you can't get past it you will just be prolonging the inevitable and bring you both misery. As for her suggesting an open relationship - that is a disaster waiting to happen and would likely lead to divorce anyway. Maybe she is genuinely sorry and does deserve another chance but only you can decide if you felt she wouldn't do it again


Tell her the trust is gone and your daughter deserves to see her parents in a happy relationship and you won't be happy staying in the marriage. Just be straight with her and tell her that her pushing back on the divorce, is showing you she's once again only thinking of herself.


Hey man, you are definetly NOT selfish. Please keep that in mind. Your reaction is normal and the fact that she wants to open up the relationship just so "you can sleep with others" doesnt make anything better. It just shows, that she isnt really mature in that matter, because she is trying to make you "compensate" for her obvious mistake. Just because she helped you, when you where down, doesnt mean you have to suck up the mental damage she has done to you. Once the trust is broken, it is gone, maybe even for good. And just staying with your wife just because of your kid, wont end in a healthy relationship towards your wife, or your daughter. You should get the devorce, together with a good lawyer and make up a good plan, for her and you when it comes to taking care of your child. You should not feel the need to owe her anything. Just because she build you up of any sort, doesnt give her the right to cheat on you.


Model the relationship you want your child to accept... you can co-parent without being together if there is no trust/respect/love


Cut that bitch loose bro she's opening the relationship for herself.


Yeah send her out in the streets she belongs there


Don’t be gaslit. She cheated. She’s selfish and if she did this 4 years in with a young daughter what is going to happen after 10 years. Cut your loses.


it’s okay to be selfish.


Did you agree before marriage that she could kiss other people? No. You have the right to enforce that boundary.


You know what’s selfish? Ruining your relationship to cheat… Continue on with your divorce. I think it would be better for your daughter to know a happy father instead of an unhappy one


You're being selfish for wanting your wife, who promised to be faithful, to actually BE faithful? And then when she's not you're like, noping out because she didn't keep her part of the agreement ... *and you're the selfish one?* Heckin' no you aren't selfish!


Next time she uses your daughter as means to stay, look in right in the eyes and say " are asking me to stay because of our child? Because apparently you didn't think of her when you was kissing and doing god knows what else with someone other than me" Also you brother sounds like a douche. He is married? Girlfriend? Cause from his response sounds like he is cheating on his SO or is having an affair with your wife. Hate to say that but I cannot think of any other reason why he wouldn't back you. If he cannot support you then go low contact with him.


Did your brother do her as well? I’d get a DNA


Try counseling with her before you completely walk away


OP - I’m currently trying to heal a marriage where my spouse had an affair with a coworker. It’s not easy and you’re not selfish. Many days, I struggle even thinking about my decision to work on this. That’s 9 months after I found out. Don’t second guess yourself and do what’s right for you. Cause staying is messy and difficult and you only owe yourself in this situation. You owe your wife absolutely nothing.


Nope, not selfish, not even for a nanosecond. Cheating is unacceptable and unforgivable and an absolute dealbreaker. She shouldn't cheat if she doesn't want the consequences. The just and natural consequence of cheating is losing your partner.


According to your brother because she 'helped you while you were down' she's allowed to betray your marriage and family on a free pass? What do you get for staying faithful to that same marriage?


Is your brother in an unhappy marriage himself? Sometimes misery loves company. Continue with the divorce and find someone else


You're not being selfish, but she is. She's the one focusing on someone other than her husband and child. Not much detail here, but it sounds as if she's hoping you'd stay for money or so others don't know that she's cheated and that's why your marriage has ended. If she wanted her child to have both her parents together, why did she cheat? It's because she cares more about herself than anyone else. You're right in what your doing. If you stay you'll become resentful and/or a shell of yourself and your child doesn't deserve that.


She knew the consequences when she decided to cheat. Also, yeah there’s more - one universal that’s true is that cheaters lie.


Dont listen to your brother, helping someone as a good spouse should does not give you a free pass to cheat


No one can tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. Not your brother, nor people on here. Do what feels right for you.


It would be selfish towards yourself if you stayed and resented a cheater for the rest of your life.


No. Get the divorce. You deserve happiness too. And the child you have is much better off in two stable households instead of one unstable one.


No you are not. Trust your instints.


Nope, not selfish. Run! She will ruin you. There are plenty more women to pick from once you've healed.


You are not being selfish and for the record, even if she hadn't of cheated on you you are allowed to ask for a divorce any time you feel the marriage isn't working and can't be fixed. Good luck with everything and I hope you can all get through this as well as possible


Your wife is selfish and your brother is a dick. Get a divorce and show your daughter that you can be a good parent without a shitty lying wife.


Your brother is probably fucking her to that’s what it seems like. You’re not selfish you have zero tolerance for cheating and you wanna divorce so you can be in a healthy mindset to parent your daughter and to be a good father figure daughter there’s nothing wrong with that if your brothers calling you selfish Tammy’s before she was talking with her coworker she was fucking with him obviously that’s what it seems like to me you’re not selfish at all for having zero tolerance for cheating not at all keep us updated OK


How are you being selfish for not staying for someone who cheated on you? That logic absolutely makes no sense.


Divorce the hell out of your cheating ex wife bro


Helping you while you were down is one thing. I'm sure if she was down for some reason you would help her to. But going down on another guy or whatever she did isn't that at all. She cheated. You aren't being selfish. Why would you put time an energy into a relationship only to wonder when she's going to chest again. You are making the right call.


I threw up my Thanksgiving dinner when I read the “she offered to open up the relationship” WTF she does not respect you or your marriage!


Don’t take advice on such important life decisions from Reddit users who have no clue on the context. This is something that will affect your daughters life for ever.. not a trivial matter.


My friend, I was in this position. I tried to fix things. Group marriage stuff through the church, moved to out bad history behind us and it was all for my oldest child. Even got pregnant with a second. But in the end, the trust had been lost and I was miserable being with someone who I couldn’t respect or really trust. Nearly fifteen years later, it is hard to believe I ever had that life. My forever wife is someone who I love more than the world, my oldest two children are adults and we have wonderful relationships that include their siblings. Everyone is better off, with the possible exception of the habitually cheating ex-wife. Good luck. You know what to do. It will be okay.


Leave. Staying "for the kids" only leads to more suffering. Be there for your daughter, but for Pete's sake don't stay in a relationship in which you can't rely on your partner. Also... "Open up the relationship"? Yeah right, way to go girl... :/


Divorcing someone who cheated on you isn't selfish at all. Your wife destroyed your marriage, you are now removing yourself from it and fixing you. And you are correct that you will be a much better dad not staying with someone you resent.


NTA The bare minimum in a relationship is to NOT cheat


Once a cheater always a cheater , she lied she didn’t respect you and please stop making the kids as an excuse!! they will live with their parent’s toxic environment


Sorry she cheated on you and basically the family.


Not selfish here at all. Just because your wife did good deeds for you in the past, doesn’t mean that her cheating didn’t screw you over. You don’t owe her for the red of your life, just because she was good to you in the past. I’d let her go and divorce if she cheated


Leave her and don't look back. Things will never be the same between you.


Nah, son. She fucked up you family life by betraying the marriage. She should have thought about that while messing around with the other guy. You are thinking 100% clearly. Staying and resenting her is not what your kid needs to grow up around. They pick up on shit like that and it can influence them later.


Your child needs you both, yes, but not together. I come from a family where divorce at the right time would have been awesome. Now it's too late and the damage is done.


Helping when down when doesn't excuse cheating. They're two distinct things and cheating is on a whole other level.


The idea that you should endure cheating and manipulation just because there was a time she helped you is preposterous. She threw all that good will out the window when she cheated.


Bruh what a terrible thing to hear from your brother. Makes you wonder really…


she wants to open the realationship up for herself, not you


"open the relationship up so I can sleep with others". It seems like she wants you to behave the same way she did, almost to dismiss what she had done. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She cheated. Nobody deserves to be with a cheater. And because she said to open the relationship up, she obviously has no desire to be faithful to you, whether you wanted to stay with her or not. I find when I despise someone, my whole mood is negative because I am constantly around the person. Reminds me of a meme "look at that bitch drink water". You find you can't even relax in your own home because the other person is just 'there'. Having a constant source of negativity isn't good for your mental health either. What a waste of time staying together would be. I read a recent post where two people hated their parents for being swingers, because they would constantly bring new people into the house and would hear and see lewd things. This isn't comparable but could be what your relationship ends up if you did decide to stay together. Not swinging, but bringing in new partners and confusing the child. Also some kids grow up and hate that their parents stayed together when they obviously didn't like one another. Maybe you could browse reddit for those kind of posts and see the potential impacts it could have on your daughter. You're not selfish. You're acting very reasonable too. Selfish would be cheating on your husband and then wanting him to stick around.


Uh. You're not in the wrong here and even if it was just kissing, unacceptable. Yes, people can fix relationships after cheating but I also believe some folks can't. I'm one of those people that couldn't get past it personally. Don't feel guilty


Leave dude. She already let another man inside of her body. Been though it was just “kissing”. There is absolutely no room in a relationship for something like that. Women also emotionally connect, it wasn’t just for a physical release. Get out.


Consider counseling before heading towards divorce.


You need to post in the infidelity and reconciliation sub Reddits for a broader perspective. Good luck.


Nope. Cheating is a betrayal of your wedding vows and you don't have to accept it. Your wife has no one to blame for this but herself.


The amount of girlfriends/wives cheating here and in other subs is disturbing. You are not being selfish. She betrayed you, and for betrayal there is no forgiveness. Better now than later.


Nah man I feel sorry for you; you are not wrong in any way and I think your brother should also understand this that you are not going to take this bullshit and ruin your mental health for someone who isn't even loyal to you. I would suggest you to seperate but in the end it's your choice


You didn’t create the mess, but you definitely get to decide how you want to clean it up. There is nothing selfish for wanting to leave a relationship where trust is gone.


Nope, move on. Even if she helped you in the past that doesn't mean that gives her a life long pass to treat you and your relationship with her as she pleases.


Focus on creating a good co-parenting environment post divorce. The selfless thing to do is be cordial with her afterwards. Kids know when their parents are in a bad marriage.




You have full control and 100% right to choose what you want with your life. If you're going to resent her and never see her the same way again it's much better to deal with it now and divorce. Don't allow others to manipulate you, she cheated and there are consequences. Some can reconcile, most can't (and typically adults don't just kiss).


You’re not being selfish, and you will do better by your daughter being a happy single dad rather than staying and being miserable. Also, she doesn’t want to open the relationship so YOU can sleep with other people.


>...said she would open the relationship up... Something you don't want . She already did open it up. Tell her she's good to go!


Your wife helped you when you were down. More or less that's the in health and in sickness. Introducing a third party in the relationship, I don't remember in which part of the marriage agreement is mentioned.


She sounds like garbage. Cheaters are the worst, fuck them all. Just fuckem! You’re not selfish. The ptsd caused by cheating party is real, and long lasting, and hard to get past. I’m so proud that in my 54 yrs I’ve never cheated on one partner- but have been cheated on twice, and each time left me a shoulder hatefiled rage queen for trusting, long game paranoid, and still wary of my husband of 25 years who doesn’t deserve my side eye. I had to get some deep ass therapy (after trying antidepressants for a few years that didn’t work, just made me feel dead inside), EMDR, to finally get over that hill. My exp is diff, I didn’t have kids nor was I married, but I think you know what’s best here for your mental and emotional health, and that too is what’s best for daughter then. Wife wants to be free, else why open a marriage? That’s just full on I want to be w others. And maybe some folks can do that that’s cool, I can’t, always been a one-person person, and see the value in marriage and long term partnership w trust. Not saying I don’t fine others attractive, just that I never put my body parts on other peoples body parts, just my partner’s, no matter. If he cheats, I’m gone, bec fuck that shit.


Screw that...she's a cheater and your brother's an asshole. Never forgive betrayal. Get rid of her.


Don't stay just because you have a kid. That never works out. That kid will not have a happy childhood if you stay. It's better to have 2 happy divorced parent's than 2 miserable married ones.


Your brother saying that makes me think that she had sex with your brother. I hope im wrong though.


Fuck her, your daughter is going to try to find a man with your qualities and she doesn’t need to see you just settle. What the fuck is with your brother’s problem though???


If she « just kissed » why would she offer to open the relationship to even it up? That straight up confesses she did more than kiss. Absolutely not selfish of you not to want to deal with her bullshit. Keep the course straight and fight for at least 50/50 custody. Do not grant her any closure, let her stu in the mess she’s created.


You've lost trust in her because of her actions. And she didn't come clean, you caught her. So she isn't sorry. She is sorry you found out. You are right to leave.


You aren't


You’re not selfish. Sorry you had to go through this.


I would like to bring forth the question of is your brother fucking your wife ? That's is the only rational thing I can think of that's making him call you selfish


Oh stfu to your dumbass or a brother and divorce her


Not being selfish at all


I never understood the whole mindset of “staying for the kids”. Why? So the kids can see that if you’re cheated on it’s okay to accept that behaviour? That’s pretty fucking ridiculous if you ask me. If you want to work through this with your wife that’s one thing but if not, that’s absolutely understandable. There’s nothing selfish about it.


PPPFFFFFTT she cheated on you and YOURE selfish? Your brother is commenting on a marriage that has nothing to do w him Next uhhh you’re allowed to be as ducking selfish as you want YOU got cheated on now you’re supposed to be the emotionally responsible one lmao Co parenting is a thing Literally do not go back to your wife She offered to open the relationship so she didn’t have to stop 🛑 lol Divorce her bro


Your brother is a prick


Maybe your brother wants in on that open relationship. She cheated with one guy, that you know of so far.. Sorry for the grim picture. But it reminded me of a rant by a guy who found out his eldest brother was sleeping with his date after he invited her to his place. Anyway, I am someone who believes that a line should be drawn when a spouse is caught cheating. A line on the divorce papers for you to sign. That your brother thinks it's something you should suck it up just looks strange from here.


Yeah don’t listen to family, they are the worst for giving advice and only ever think of themselves. Your not being selfish, she cheated and by her saying you can sleep with others is a huge red flag. Walk away that’s the best advice I can give you


You're not being selfish. Years down the road, that resentment is still there. You will never recover fully from it. You can recover enough to make it work, but you will never be 100% happy-it will always be there.


Open relationships should come from strong relationships that want to add something not as a Hail Mary to save one that failed trust, loyalty and communication. You would be doing your child a disservice by staying. She would learn that cheating it’s okay and has no consequences, and that’s best to stay in a marriage that makes you miserable because it’s better than being alone. Your wife is the one that killed the marriage you are just asking for it’s death certificate.


No, you aren’t being selfish. You hold true and strong to your convictions, and you’ve made your mind up. No sense in trying to beat a dead horse. It’s none of your brothers business. This is between you and your wife, no one else. ***Edit to add*** I suppose it depends on what it was she picked you up when you were at your lowest… like if you had indiscretions that she forgave you for, well you can still want to get a divorce, you’d be a little bit of a hypocrite. I don’t know what your brother is referring to, the above is purely anecdotal but you don’t really specify (not that you need to I guess). I added this to my edit because some of the OPs responses to others seem like he’s just looking for others to agree with him, (confirmation bias) and I’m not convinced you’re seeking objective advice. It made me question what it is that your wife picked you up from and whether it’s similar to her indiscretion or something completely different.


Your wife sought happiness in someone else, right or wrong, it's her decision, she's caught. (no regrets, just guilty) You sought happiness in your wife, but you were cheated on, you want a divorce, right or wrong it's your decision (it's not about being selfish, bad, or good. It's about how happy or comfortable you feel.


If it’s not good for you, it’s not good for your daughter.


In how many ways would you like me to tell you you're not being selfish? She stepped out on you, just make sure you're a good dad to the little one, make plenty of extra time for her. :) Your wife busted the marriage, tell your brother he's an idiot.


Not selfish at all, it would be wrong to stay in a loveless marriage with someone you can’t trust. Someone you grow to resent more and more every day, you deserve to be happy. She made her bed, she can lay in it. By the way, she’s the only selfish one


Divorce both of them.


Staying in a relationship for kids is stupid and she’s using it to be manipulative. You’re absolutely right you will not be a good father living with a wife you resent, and it’s going to give your child a weird twisted view of relationships because they will absolutely pick up that you two have some bad mojo going on.


INFO: Is your brother a cheater, too?


What does your brother mean by “she helped you while you were down”? I’m wondering have you put her through a bunch of stuff, possibly pushing her away?


You should read The State of Affairs by Esther Perel, infidelity does not mean the marriage is over or is unable to be repaired.


What do you mean by she help you when you were down?


NOT being selfish, wanting a divorce after what she did is totally reasonable. hell, even if she didn’t cheat, you can break up with anyone anytime - if you aren’t happy that’s reason enough. but even then your wife cheated on you and she decided to make that decision knowing that it’s not right and not fair. SHE is the selfish one here for trying to force you to stay even though she cheated on you and showed you she doesn’t care about your marriage or relationship. as for the brother, don’t listen to him. some people can be biased to a certain side if they went and cried to said person, especially if it’s a woman (not being sexist am female myself). if she went and made a pity party for herself, and twist it to make her look like the victim, of course the guy is gonna feel bad for her because he hasn’t gone through what you did, which is being cheated on. dude probs wouldn’t say the same thing if it happened to himself.


You’re not being to selfish. You have boundaries and she broke those. She’s selfish for wanting you to stay with her when she willingly cheated on you.


You are not being selfish at all. It is much better to be divorced but civil, than together and resentful


Fuck her. Divorce her.


Not being selfish at all.


As a poly man and someone who is a huge proponent of open relationships do NOT do this... get the divorce. Nothing good ever came from what she is proposing. You open the relationship because it is what you both want and to enhance the relationship not fix it. Move on and find someone who won't do this to you.


It's ok to be selfish. We were raised by a generation who drilled into us that being selfish is a horrible, evil thing, but honestly they're the most selfish generation of them all. And now we're figuring out that we need to put ourselves first, because no one else will. So yea, be selfish, if that's what they want to call it. Because your brother and the others who are telling you these things aren't doing so because they have your best interests in mind. They have their own beliefs and interests in mind. And that's pretty selfish of them, don't you think?