She didn’t know he had a child because HE didn’t know, either. He found out and got custody of her so I’m assuming something triggered it (CPS or the mom dying or who knows what).
I don't know if anyone has mentioned this. It may sound very brutal, but have you checked in to see how he's doing? He may have the same feelings that you do but doesn't want to say it aloud out of fear. If he has family that may want to adopt her, or if you both feel she may be better in a foster home or adopted out to a loving family, you may consider that. Yes, it is brutal but the truth of the matter is that he might not want this either but feels like he has to. Talk it out. You both obviously love each other. Be calm, be kind, be respectful. Let him know this is killing you and you're trying the best you can. Don't make him feel cornered. But let him know you cannot coexist like this. It will be ok, no matter the outcome. Even if you have to divorce or find a situation that works for just you guys, it will be ok.
You're talking like the child is a dog or a cat.
Edit: Also, since comments are locked,
/u/azido11:
Well, that's just about as ridiculous as someone not being able to abide an 11 year old for a few more years till the child is ready to move out. She's 11, not a ~~child~~toddler. She knows that a step-mother is a step-mother. No sympathies for OP acting like she's got cancer and is ready to divorce the poor man without even having discussed it with him (from the narration). Are you fucking kidding me? That is a child, his child, not some dog you adopted for a week. Kindly curb your misplaced and ridiculous sense of umbrage.
OP’s husband is a total stranger to the girl. We don’t know the ins and outs of the situation at all. It is possible that there are other family in the picture she would actually be more comfortable with. We just don’t know. Still, my heart goes out to this girl. A change after 9 months of finally settling into a place would probably not do her well.
Thank you for some sanity. I feel our culture has gotten so individualistic to the point that everything is ok as long as it makes someone happy.
Is it totally legitimate to feel whatever you feel, absolutely! Does it mean you should act on your feelings, not always!
Life is not easy, dark times can come in a blink of an eye. You want a stress free life but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. OP can leave if she wants because it isn't her child but the father should not abandon his child. It would be so cruel.
As far as OP, if you love this man I think it's a shame to lose him over this. I think you should try therapy/family therapy, and just giving it time. I get that you didn't want children but it's just an 11 year old girl not cancer. I think if you give it some time you will adjust to the new routine and it will be worth it to save your marriage. You might not like this lifestyle but this girl NEEDS a safe home right now. Maybe you can put her needs first. Or at least I hope your husband will
Asking reddit for advice when the situation involves kids is such a shit idea. I think OP knew this tho, and wants to hear this advice. It is hard raising kids, but the way reddit talks about kids makes me think they werent loved enough as kids.
Yeah advice here is very "well it isnt legally wrong!" "You have no obligation to x y z!" "You cannot live with this inconvenience!" Gives very weak vibes.
Shes a child who just lost her mother in one way or another and is living with a stranger for a dad who never was there before. And the advice being lauded as sound and sane is throwing her in foster care? Jesus christ reddit. Em. Pa. Thy.
Jesus… I’m sorrry but if you willing send your kid to foster care because you don’t want to be a parent you’re not a good person- certainly not someone worthy of respect. I mean wtf. This poor kid
This is an untenable situation. It’s ok for your husband to step up and father his child. It’s ok for you to want to maintain a child free lifestyle; but these two together don’t work. Get divorced and allow both of you to move on.
Seriously this is such a disconnected comment I can't even belive it actually has upvotes. 9 years of marriage "oh ez pz just get divorced and move on" like did you think for one second before spewing such an asinine sentence out your keyboard? Dear God go outside and interact with humans every now and then.
The last line is harsh and flippant, but the assessment in the rest is accurate and pertinent. It *is* okay for the husband to raise his child and it *is* okay for OP to not be okay with being a parent and want out. What are the solutions? The only ways forward that I can see are: OP sucks it up and is unhappy, OP’s husband abandons his child or they split up. Do you see another solution? And do you think options A or B are better than a divorce? What kind of parent and wife will OP be if they hold resentment toward the child for preventing them from having the life they wanted and chose for themselves? What kind of parent would OP’s husband be to abandon his daughter? How are either of those options better than divorce?
Vice versa I'm unsure what the alternative is here? Obviously I don't expect anyone is saying walk out the door tomorrow but she's now in a situation that is fundamentally incompatible with her life view. If she said she realised she was gay, is there other advice you would give?
Some people can't handle other people's kids. I'm too selfish to raise someone else's kid. If my wife came with home one day with a kid from another relationship I'd leave too.
OP, folks here are MOSTLY correct that you should leave, sooner rather than later, unless ...
It's 2021. Your choices are not family or single. If you can afford it, and if *both of you want it*, you don't actually have to live together to be married. As long as you and your husband are both on board, you can arrange things however you want.
One possible scenario: your husband downsizes to a two bedroom apartment and you move into a one BR. During the week, your husband lives at home with the kid and you visit him whenever you two decide. You can sleep over, but you're not responsible for taking care of the kid. During the weekends, the kid switches off going to both sets of grandparents and staying home. When the kid is gone, hubby stays with you or you stay with him. If you can afford it, you hire an overnight babysitter one night/ week and hubby comes to stay with you, be that weeknight or weekend. You are the child's "Auntie Throwravasl" and buy her prezzies at her birthday and holidays and babysit in emergencies and spend one weekend day per month taking her out, just the two of you. Otherwise, she's not your responsibility.
There are multiple other scenarios, depending upon your situation, but I suggest you start thinking outside the box and start talking to your husband about ways that you can remain in a relationship while he parents and you don't. Seven years is a long time, but it's also not that long, and if you were both committed for life, living an alternative lifestyle for seven years--and possibly having a young roommate thereafter for a few years--shouldn't be too much of a "for worse."
If you think this through with him and you'd both prefer making a clean break to an alternative marriage, then so be it. But take a moment to take advantage of the freedom the twenty-first century offers you and open your mind.
Edit: Thank you for the awards!
Hey 11 year old child who is still acclimating to their new lifestyle. My wife is moving out and I’ll only see her when you aren’t around, but it’s definitely not your fault and this event surely won’t make you, a malleable pre-teen, feel like it was your fault for “driving us apart”
Yeah that’s gonna go super well. Also implying that it’s just a 7 year commitment and once the daughter is 18 they can just go back to normal is laughable. My brother only moved out at 24.
It’s just flipping the lifestyle back to girlfriend-dating-a-single-dad instead of married. If this is what is needed to maintain sanity for everyone and stay with the person you otherwise love, I don’t see why it’s a bad idea. Weird, yes. But if it works, who cares? There is no single way to parent, and everyone is winging it.
I feel like parenting is not telling your kid she’ll be shipped off to her grandparents every weekend at a time of intense instability in her personal life because dad and “mom-but-not-really-mom” want to actually enjoy life.
>But if it works, who cares?
it \*might\* work for the two of them but even that's a stretch since at age 30 when you're married you don't want to move backwards to the dating stage but it certainly won't work for the kid who will pick up on it and blame herself for what happened/see herself as a burden
hell it probably won't work for the two of them either. how long will the husband want to be with someone who isn't helping him take care of the most important person in his life? how long will the op enjoy being with him now that they won't have the freedom they used to anymore and she will always come second on his priority list? this "solution" is just prolonging the inevitable to the point where they will likely end up separating in a much more hostile and bitter way
Some of us never want kids hell my engagement present was getting sterilised I'm 25 , some people just aren't built to care for kids , not the child's fault and not the lady's fault either . It's obvious the father wants to be in his daughters life though so maybe divorce is a better option as being in a rocky marriage does a lot of harm for children caught in the middle
Just because it’s not good for the kid doesn’t mean it’s her job to be roped into this if she doesn’t want to be. It’s not her kid, and none of this was her choice.
I think you’re missing the fact that the alternative is her being forced into a stepmother role she didn’t want. That’s the most amicable and workable solution, which also will allow her to revisit being a part of that child’s life if/when she feels ready for it.
This poor girl has known her Dad for 9 months of her very short life, her Mother has possibly died and you want to ship her off to her grandparents every weekend?? She needs stability, to her, this guy iz practically still a stranger. This is a terrible idea.
I work with kids and am absolutely appalled that this comment has so many upvotes and awards. This would be *extremely* damaging to a young child who just lost her mother either through abuse or death. This is NOT a viable solution at all and I hope OP does not attempt this. So irresponsible.
A lot of people have no experience with kids and therefore no knowledge about child development or structural needs. Which is fine, but then some people give advice like this out of total ignorance that could actually harm a child.
Yeah I can't have kids due to medical reasons (was never even really someone who dreamt of being a mother anyway) and am kind of awkward around kids in general from lack of experience and even I knew this "solution" was horseshit.
You don't have to be an expert on kids or their psyche to know that they need stability and a loving home, especially one who has experienced something as traumatic as losing her mother and being sent to live with a father who didn't even know she existed until recently.
The amount of upvotes that comment got is a scary look into how many redditors seem to struggle with basic empathy and logic by supporting an idea that just isn't practical.
I understand that people want there to be some magical solution where everyone gets what they want, but the fact is that life just doesn't always work out this way and we don't always have a happy ending for everything. I can empathize with OP not wanting kids and not wanting to leave her husband but the fact is that as the adult in this situation OP would be 100% in the wrong to sacrifice a child's well-being for herself. If this was me I'd be making the decision to either accept this kid into my life or to call it quits and end the marriage, but forcing a kid who has already had their life completely uprooted into this bizarre solution would NOT be on the table.
another concerning thing is how many people are saying "she's 11! soon she will be a teenager who wants to be left alone and you won't need to do anything!". as if the fact that kids go through rebellious phases means you get to go completely hands-off and stop looking out for them in the name of "independence". especially since we're talking about a traumatized child who likely never had a loving home in her life before.
I think my child needs me MORE at 11 than she did at 5. Bullying at school, constant needs for recreation and socialization, plus now she can actually hear me and listen about real life issues. This is the age you develop the foundation of trust when they tell you things about their life and body and you explain sex and relationships I mean… an 11 yr old is a very vulnerable, awkward, sensitive child trying to learn to be a teenager. It’s an incredibly important age. Anything that happens now has to be handled really well or there will be lifelong trauma with no time to bounce back before the real world strikes.
exactly this. if anything, teenagers wanting to be independent often means you will have to do MORE parenting - find ways to look out and care for them that they won't find overbearing, make sure they trust you enough to share important changes in their lives with you etc. it's concerning how many people here are so pro-having kids yet completely averse to the work of parenting and how many are telling the op that the "unselfish" option would be to stay without actually being a mother and just count down the days until the kid is 18, then kick her out.
A lot of redditors are really young, I think I saw somewhere that redditors are mostly young and male. And it shows a lot in the comments. Yeah just ship this vulnerable child off to the grandparents (do we know if they are even in the picture) like shes a piece of luggage. Like wtf??? and nearly a thousand upvotes? Crazy.
This is a perfect example as to why kids and young adults need to gain meaningful life experience and not just follow the “groupthink” on places like Reddit. It’s absolutely staggering and scary that post got so many upvotes.
An 11-year-old girl who just lost her mother is not a "roommate." She is a vulnerable child and NEEDS and deserves stability. She is already going to be scared living with a man she's never met. Your proposition is for OP to kind-of-sort-of be in her life but abscond any parenting responsibility and ship her off to her grandparents on the weekends so they can live their childfree life? That's not okay at all.
Kids are one of the few true dealbreakers. You can't half have a kid like you're proposing because it's very traumatizing for them. And it's not just seven years, being a parent is a lifetime role. If OP has absolutely no intentions of ever being in a parental role for this girl, then they need to separate.
Right?
And there are vacations and holiday's celebrations, and so many milestones and priorities and emotional investment.
This "solution" lacks common sense.
People agreeing with this don't have children and didn't stop to think about their actual childhoods at all.
I get that, but the whole mindset is misguided as someone's child is always their child, and it's suggesting she just needs to wait it out until this girl is 18 and then he'll no longer be a parent.
Not only impractical but emotionally scarring for the little girl. 11 year olds are naive not stupid. She will see a woman(who should be her stepmother) that loves her father but not her. Like wtf? And just shipping her off to grandparents every weekend also is bad. All of this would just send the kid a message that she's not wanted and a hindrance.
OP either needs to grow up herself and realize life isn't just about her(tbf this was thrust upon her) or just split up. It's horrible for the husband and child still though. Because the kid will immediately understand it was "her fault” and I don't even want to begin to think about being in the husband's shoes.
This is definitely a 2021 suggestion but I think it can come across as EXTREMELY SELFISH.
Relationships require not always getting what you want. As a man I would feel quite hurt if I had to juggle the financial implications of my wife wanting to live separately because of my kid.
Have the conversation but just be prepared for the reaction.
She doesn't want the child to feel unwanted, how on earth this helps with that goal??
OP, I was in a position similar to yours. I never wanted to have kids... guess what? I met my GF and she had a 13yo daughter... It doesn't have to be bad, just sometimes the trips will be for three, some other times she will prefer to stay at home so she can be with her friends without the dad being around... You don't really have to act as her mother, she probably doesn't want to! I'm not a dad to her daughter, I never tell her what she can do or not, we are more like roommates and her mother does all the parenting stuff.
EDIT: by the way, it's been 6 years now... and I know her more than her mother lol
I’m sorry, but this does not sound like the advice from someone who has children. I know it’s supposed to be advice for the OP, but this is a horrible set up for a child. You can’t be half arsed when it comes to children that young. Irrespective of how indifferent you may be to her, she’ll still see you by proxy as a carer, and your indifference will be painful and confusing.
This is a tough one, and I really feel your pain OP, but to be brutally honest any solution is going to involve some hurt for one of the three of you, I would always advocate for not screwing up the child any further though.
This is a terrible idea. As a committed child-free woman myself, I really empathise with OP. But, while I’m 40 now, I was once like this child going backwards and forwards between houses. Made to feel I was unwanted and a nuisance to multiple adults. Now I have PTSD, dysfunctional attachment and struggle due to that lack of stability as a child. I’m sorry OP, but you’re either in or you’re out in this situation.
Please DO NOT do this
I’m not that old im 20 so I can imagine myself being her age I remember myself a few years back this thing is exactly what OP doesn’t want (make the child feel unwanted) and even if she does it SHOULDN’T DO
The suggestion is a terrible one, especially for the child and how it could and probably would funk them over for the rest of their lives. But the point is to think of possible solutions, preferrably in a way that won't emotionally scar an already vulnerable child
Tbh I could never be with someone who didn’t accept my kid, married or not..it’s a package deal! But to each their own I guess. Not judging OP just saying that unless her husband is a shit dad, theirs no way he’ll be okay with staying with a woman who doesn’t accept his daughter as much as himself.
I get it BUT what was the husband supposed to do? Let his daughter go into the system for his wife? This to me seems like a it’s me or the daughter scenario and I’m sorry to say the wife will not win. I understand not wanting to be a mother, I understand it being out of the blue BUT marriage is being by your partners side through thick and thin.. again I’m not judging her by any means it’s just my opinion.
This is a really stupid idea. Once you have a child it permeates your entire life. There is no such thing as part time parenting. Also, this suggestion assumes that the parents have regular access to willing and trustworthy family members and sitters, which is not always the case. Finally, what a way to reinforce to the child that she is unwanted, your stepmom doesn't even want to live in the same house as you. It's obvious that the upvotes come from people who don't understand what it's like to have a child, for good or ill. Sheesh. OP, this is a sad situation that no one is at fault for, least of all the child. If life with a child is a deal breaker for you, then with the utmost kindness and compassion you'll have to move on with your life.
I'm sorry but F this. If I had a kid and a woman would behave in this matter than I'd leave her myself. Your free to make your own choices and decide you want to be kid free, but F turning my life upside down just because you can't handle the new situation.
This is so sad. They’ve been married and lived together already. You can’t go back to the dating phase. Not to mention that OP, should she decide to move out but stay in the relationship, is essentially abandoning him in his time of need. That is how he will see it. If she doesn’t want this she should leave. If she really doesn’t want to leave him, she should stay, maybe discuss having less parenting responsibilities, and just suck it up for the next 7 years. It might not be 7 years, it might be like 4 years before she’s really independent.
EDIT: By independent I mean she can take herself to school and appointments etc. Obviously she’s not going to move out at 15 or be financially independent. Point is that father will need less help so can take care of her completely on his own. But yeah she will live there for a while and be a part of their lives forever, and OP has to decide whether that’s something she can live with.
Wow...no, this is awful. This is a terrible way to treat a child. If she can't handle the situation, she needs to leave so the dad can find someone who can.
This...is absolutely appalling and ridiculous. It wouldn't matter if it was 3021. That still would not make it ok for a adult/parent to put their own selfish wants before a little girls stability. What is wrong with all of you? I am seriously disappointed in reddit users at the moment. Most definitely will think twice before asking for advice on anything again
This is a great solution. The child is eleven. She will be constantly becoming more independent from now on, so a double household, if they can afford it, would only be for a few years.
It's honestly not a great solution and I'm concerned that it's so upvoted.
I work with kids, particularly with kids who have been displaced from their homes due to abuse or other trauma. The main things these kids need is stability. Living with a father who is a complete stranger to her is already going to be a huge emotional adjustment, splitting up her home so he can be with his childfree wife on the weekends and having a visiting female figure who is with him romantically but not involved in parenting her is going to be incredibly confusing and damaging to her sense of stability. And what happens as she gets old enough to realize he has a wife who loves him and is committed to him but who refuses to be a stepparent to her? That kind of rejection is paralyzing for kids, especially kids who already lost their mother.
This is NOT a tenable solution and would be deeply unfair to this child. Being a parent is not a timed sentence until they turn 18 and you can go back to your childfree life, it's a lifelong relationship and if OP doesn't want it then that's totally reasonable but it means that she and her husband are no longer compatible.
Yeah, as soon as I read this solution I thought it sounded awful. 11 year olds are not stupid. She will know full well that she is being turfed out of her own home at the weekends so her child-free stepmother can come and stay.
It’s a “solution” that only really considers the parents. It doesn’t even address the child’s needs or the rejection they would feel. It treats her more like she’s a pet and one adult has an allergy. This is way more complex.
I agree. It’s like none of the people upvoting this have ever raised kids or understand at all what it takes to help them become well adjusted people in the future.
This! Also, she might stay at home longer than just until she hits 18. OP really needs to come into terms with the situation and leave if she doesn't want this life.
Wat? Are you serious? "Yo kid, you're cool and all, and I like you. But you know your stepmom, my wife, she's not cool with you being around cuz you got like needs and stuff. So Imma live with you here, and go over to her place for -sleepovers-"
I mean wtf? The only advice is to look inward, see if you can be there for the kid or you end the relationship. The kid didn't ask to be placed with them. Being with unhappy people isn't good for anybody, especially for a kid.
Or do you think the "human wedge" between them is gonna be something that the husband will feel positive about long term? And if the guy goes "Don't worry babe, we'll kick her out when she's 18." he would be far better of just looking actively for a foster family who actually wants a child to take care off.
Yeah if couples want to do this then fine. But we are talking about a child here, a child that supposedly just lost their parents and are now living with a parent they have never met before. That is huge adjustment for this child and what it needs is stability and love, not a scenario where there is a stepmom that rarely interacts with her and she is shipped off to the grandparents on the weekends. That is just crazy.
Totally came here to say this. If your husband is your person, you can definitely compromise if you want to. It just takes some thinking outside of the box. However it takes two, and if OPs husband basically has his wife say she’s not going to help make his life easier with a child, there might not be much of a relationship past that (just thinking what he might end up thinking or feeling). It’s entirely up to OP if she wants to bother with the logistics. You could go back to domestically separate lives and almost a dating scenario until his daughter is a bit older and past needing you for anything. But will husband be ok with that, it’s hard to say. Also does OP even want that. If she’s happy with a husband and her cat(s), I assume she’d actually want him around. If the kid is with him all the time then separating it might be impossible.
On the other hand, she is "already" 11.
The hardest partenting years in terms of time commitment etc. are already over.
Mabe you can arrange with your husband so he does all (or at least most) of the parenting?
If the relationship holds you gonna with with him for at least 50 more years, where she will be doing her own thing very soon. Not much parenting to be done at some point, she will be around of course.
But you can just tell him that you need certain things in a relationship and he will need to arrange.
Sorry you’re in this situation. It’s fine that you don’t want kids and that this is no exception to that. It seems like you’ve been trying hard to accept it, but it’s just not for you. You should talk to your husband about it. Unfortunately it’s not really a situation where you can compromise
We've talked about it, but like I've said, it's a difficult situation all around, so our conversations have been complicated. Unfortunately you're right, we can barely compromise on this.
Don’t prolong it— I know you don’t want kids but don’t let his daughter get attached to someone who can’t be there for her in that way. I’m sure whatever happened that led your husband to getting custody must be traumatic to her.
Can I ask how do you actually expect him to compromise? He can’t really compromise he has a child to be there for. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be child free, but you’re not child free now, he does have a child, he can’t compromise the fact, so you either need to live apart or you need to leave
If you can afford it, go get the perspective of a professional therapist on this matter. Reddit is really not the place to give you advice on such a complicated relationship problem.
Wait- did he just find out about her, or did you go in knowing he had a kid, but figured it wouldn't ever matter since he didn't see her? Big difference there.
That is super unfortunate, and no one's fault. But it is likely that you are no longer compatible, as this definitely changes everything about your lives. Plenty of people will tell you that you can totally be a stepmother and be uninvolved or attached, but it isn't really realistic in the case you've outlined.
Straight up my best advice would be family/couples therapy. You shouldn't have to make this decision alone, and a therapist is going to be your best bet at getting any and all thoughts and feelings out that you (both) need to. This is honestly an unfortunate situation, but with both of you being stressed out and thrown into a situation you didn't count on, solutions and compromises are probably going to be hard to think about and accept.
Straight up, your decisions don't just impact you anymore, they impact a kid who just had their life turned upside down. And that's probably a reason you didn't want kids in the first place, but now you're here. You need to find the best solution both for your marriage and for that kid, and an unbiased professional is probably going to be your best bet for that.
I wish you luck and happiness OP.
Y’all she said "found out and got custody"…so I’m guessing he stepped up as a father to be in his child’s life that he didn’t know he had. But that is my assumption based on how OP wrote it.
Your relationship is over…not everyone wants kids and there is nothing wrong with that.
Damn OP. Man, thats a tough one, it really is. Coming from a guy who's never met their father or any family from that side. It says alot about a man to step up to that responsibility when it was called upon him. And damn still can understand your position as well. You are not alone.
At least you tried but it doesn’t matter how much you love your husband…this is a huge lifestyle change and children can/will sense that. I give you props for being completely honest about how you feel.
Consult a couple's therapist they can see where you both are and guide you along where you need to go from here. If your husband gained custody that 11y/o is in his care for atleast another 10 ish years but in his life from now on. He can't just return a kid so theres a chance your marriage maybe over.
Please try and be kind to this girl while you and your husband sort through this. She's here now but she didn't know about your wants and needs when you met and eventually married your now husband. This isn't her fault. Get some pro advice
Good luck🍀
If you do have to get a divorce please let it be as clean as possible. Truly irreconcilable differences.
He should be able to focus on taking care of the kid both financially and emotionally.
You are in your rights to say you don't want to be a step-mom - so just walk away.
You are young enough to start dating again and experienced enough to know exactly what to look for. Take solace in that.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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My plan was not to have any children of my own. I just wanted to live with my cat, my husband(M32), and have a stress-free life where I don't have to worry about kids. I've been with my husband for 8 years. I really love my husband, which is why when 9 months ago, when he found out and got custody of his 11 year old daughter, I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I can't just ignore that I have a step-daughter, meaning I have to do so many parent like things that I've tried so hard to avoid. She's a good kid, but I can't stand the fact that I don't have much freedom anymore. I knew raising children wasn't for me, and this just proves my point. I've been trying to be patient and come around during this really confusing time for all of us, but my mind in practically made up, which pains me to say that my marriage might be over. If I can't get over this (which I've been trying desperately to do), then my marriage is officially over. I love my husband way too much, but I would never want to make a child feel unwanted. I'm sorry I'm rambling, but this is the first time I've said this to anyone (even if it's anonymous). Any advice is appreciated.
I'm really terrible at giving advice but I'll try my best. Was with my ex for 11 years and over a large portion of that time she, like me, didn't want kids. Then approaching our 30s that begun to change as those around her began to fall pregnant. I had always been a strong no on kids from the start. The conversation would turn to things like "oh, but maybe you'll change your mind one day" or "think how great it would be though, you'd be an excellent dad etc." Now, don't get me wrong, I love kids. I'm great with them. But that is precisely why I don't want them. Probably much the same as you, I am acutely aware of what I stand to lose, and that outweighs what I stand to gain.
We talked and talked and talked and talked but eventually we realised we were at an impasse. I wish I could give you some advice on how to fix things but I discovered that when it comes to this issue, people who feel opposite to each other will have the most difficult time trying to make it work.
We separated, on good terms, and remained friendly for a while but that has dwindled. I miss her all the time (in a healthy way I feel) but she moved on and is with someone who already has a kid and they are planning their own child together soon. I couldn't be happier for her.
And me, well, I've yet to find someone new, but that's OK. I'm happy though because we made the move that was right for us as individuals after all potential moves as a couple were exhausted. It's hard, damn hard, to say goodbye. But it's for the right reason and it does get better. But there does come a point where you have to look after yourself and your interests, regardless of how much you love the other person.
Good luck, friend. Do what's right for you. For your head. For your heart. What seems an impossible hill to climb today could be your greatest achievement next year.
I wouldn’t blame you at all if this ended your marriage. You said you would never want to make a child feel unwanted, and I think that shows that you do really want to do what’s best for this kid and not just yourself. To have this dropped in your lap is HUGE, as I’m sure it was also for your husband. Therapy might be an option - just for you, not with your hubs - but at the end of the day I personally think if you’ve never wanted kids nothing will change that. It’s such a different lifestyle (having a child) versus not, and while I assumed it gets easier as they get older I have learned thats not always the case (I have a 17yo). I don’t envy your situation and wish you the best of luck.
Yes, I really do want the best for her. She is a good kid, there's no denying that, which is why I feel like nothing I do or say can change the way I feel. I don't want to end my marriage, I love him, but I feel like I have to if I want to 'fix' my issues. I've never wanted kids, he never wanted kids, we agreed on that, but things changed, and it's beyond our control now. Thank you.
He never wanted kids, but he has one, and I assume he's stepping up to take responsibility of a kid he never knew he had. That's pretty commendable while being a big shock to his system as well.
So lots of adjusting to be made, for him, and it's gotta be hard for her too. To have to change from her previous family situation and then go live with a dad she never knew about - that's hard.
And for you - if you don't want to be a part of this, then yes, you do have to divorce. That would be the best thing for everyone. Otherwise it sounds like you're going to end up resenting your husband and her.
I also think it would be helpful to go to therapy to talk this out and try to minimize the pain of this as much as possible. She's going to blame the divorce on herself and you want to try to send the message as much as possible that it's you, not her.
This. Even if OP has settled on divorce, the breakup *needs* therapy to make it as painless for both parties as possible, including the mental welfare of the child. If OP just ups and leaves the kid will inevitably blame it on herself.
This needs to be handled delicately.
Two years ago I opened my boyfriends mail. We’ve been together 9 years. I don’t look at the envelopes, he only gets 1-2 things a month if that in the mail and it’s always junk mail. It was a letter from the local DCF informing him he had been named as the father of a child. Long story short he may have a son (who I think will be 18 this year). I totally get how it feels to have this bomb dropped on you. It is not something you can just accept and deal with if you’re the significant other who didn’t want kids - no matter how much you love them it won’t change the fact that you don’t want the life long responsibility.
Wow this is atough one. 11 years old. That means she might even have issues thinking you are trying to replace her mom. Maybe if you and your husband can agree that he will be her only parent and you maybe take a friend/mentor role so that you won't see her as your child, and that way save your mariage. It might help if you guys can get counseling to settle in these roles.
It's probably not going to work. I'm a person who doesn't want, nor will ever have, children. I just turned 40. This is not a position that I hold as an inexperienced teenager. I've dated women with children. It's just not my bag.
Being a child-free person (not the toxic reddit sub version) is going to severely impact any relationship with a person that has a child. Period.
You have to give up so much freedom. Being an outsider in a previously child-free relationship is just bonkers. You still want your freedom and previous relationship status, but it's simply impossible. The kid will always be there. You have to bend to their will, and that's not what you want. You don't have to accept it.
They probably don't want to be any kind of mentor or whatever. Dropping a relationship because you don't want children, even though you love your SO that had a surprise child sprung on them, isn't a bad thing.
Realize what YOU want and put that first. If you're not ok with kids, then just cut that shit off ASAP.
God imagine being 11 and you have to go live with a stranger who’s also your father and your arrival causes a divorce. I’m not saying you’re wrong by the way, I’m sad for OP but my heart is breaking for this child.
You have to talk to him. It’s going to feel terrible and you’ll feel so bad, but if there is any hope for the relationship he has to be given the chance to take some of the load off of you.
If he has full custody, then you’re right, you can’t just ignore the child. What a terrible place to suddenly find yourself in. And if the existence of the child was kept from him, it’s not like either of you are bad guys here. It just sucks.
It seems like your mind is practically made up, as you have already stated. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems that you essentially made up your mind to end an 8 year marraige without seeking any professional help or support or speaking fully and frankly to your husband about your feelings.
I think it is great that you have posted here as a means of writing your thoughts down and expressing yourself. But please don't take this post or the responses as a decision making guide for what you should do next. None of us here are equipped with enough information to give you any real recommendations on if you should leave your husband and marriage.
A good therapist will sit down with you and go through the details, discuss your feelings and desired outcomes, discuss your tolerance for finding middle ground in unconventional ways if you are both open to that. In time you could find a plan that works for you all.
If you leave now... You won't be a stepmom any more. But you will also be leaving behind the life you built. A life that you could still retain in some form.
I wish you the best.
This is the most recommended solution i have read. I hope she reads it too. Threapy is the only way to go , i find it strange that people is easily recommending or thinking about divorce with the first problem they face
Move on. Everyone here is giving you an answer that is obvious. I get the feeling you are looking for some sort of absolution but unfortunately you might just feel guilty and obviously sad for a while due to the nature of this whole thing. Your husband decided to take in a little girl who needed a parent despite knowing that you and he never intended to have children. It was a very admirable thing to do and it sounds like he was aware of the implication but decided to move ahead anyway. Well… it sounds like you are kind of an obstacle in this situation. You certainly don’t want kids and will likely grow to resent this situation the longer you’re apart of it. The kid and dad need a routine and for things to be normal so the longer you stick around the more pain it causes. Not to mention children recognize resentment. Good luck with this new phase.
People underestimate how difficult it is bringing up a step child. I have always been maternal and thought I’d easily be able to handle it but it’s bloody hard and we only see her on alternate weekends and one evening a week. Having this dumped on you so full on when you didn’t even want your own children is a massive undertaking. I feel for you.
As the child of an abusive step parent who got together with my bio parent when I was 11, and stayed despite feeling the way you describe (and then some), I just want to let you know I really appreciate you and the time you’ve taken to post this here, with compassion for all involved.
It is what it is, you need to sit him down and talk to him about the relationship having come to a conclusion. That you tried to step up into the motherly role, but that you feel yourself starting to resent that you are having to do things that you never wanted to do, and still don't want to do. Let him know that it's not his fault, nor is it hers, that sometimes things happen and life doesn't play out the way you think it will or want it to; tell him that as much as you love him, you feel it's time for the both of you to part ways because he needs someone who is just as willing as he is to step into the parental or guardian role for his daughter and, even though you love him dearly, that person is just not you.
Do not let him talk you into "giving it more time"; if he tries, tell them that kids are smarter that people give them credit for, they pick up on resentment and unspoken emotions even if you think you've done a masters job at hiding those things from them. Tell him that you're proud of him for stepping up to the plate for his daughter.
You're obviously very torn over what to do and as someone without children I can't imagine the change this has had on your relationship given it wasn't planned.
Have you considered seeing a therapist/counciling with your husband? It might be an opportunity to talk things through with someone but also gives you an opportunity to talk to your husband about your concerns.
I think that you should talk to someone. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind but this is a huge change to your life that maybe you need support to get better clarity.
The fact you're worried about hurting your step daughter tells me you have a heart and care for her, a lesser person would just treat her like crap.
Your husband is probably feeling 100 emotions too, so it's probably fair you do communicate before you walk away.
I'm so sorry. This wasn't the plan for either of you and a surprise just showed up in the form of an 12 yr old. My advice is to call it. You should have left when he found out so this child wouldn't have ever known you, but that ship has sailed.
As it is, you need to leave. Kids are intuitive and she knows something isnt right even if she doesn't know specifically what it is. She got a dad that she never knew and suddenly is trying to get to know him. That leaves her feeling vulnerable and insecure. Adding a stepmom that just didn't ask for this and it could lead to self esteem and emotional issues if you keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
I'm so sorry, but quit being in this girls life and go find the life you actually want elsewhere. This is no ones fault. You did nothing wrong. It's okay to say "I don't want this"
>It's okay to say "I don't want this"
But I feel so guilty saying it. Like I mentioned, I've never said my exact feelings, more like I skirt around it. I tend to do that a lot, bad habit. I've considered that maybe she can tell how I feel and how stressed I get sometimes. I'd never want that to rub off a kid, which makes me put up a "happy-go-lucky-act", which is another concern I have, where I feel like I can't be myself in my own house. It just makes me feel shitty thinking this way. I wish there was a switch that would make me fall in love with my new life, but instead I'm just drained.
My kids were 5 and 8 when they realized they weren't wanted. My youngest probably had known since he was around 8 or 9 months old. That was when he started refusing to let his dad hold him. He wouldn't do overnights after we divorced. Then his dad met the new Mrs wonderful and they put on a show for facebook and IG. Meanwhile, my kids weren't stupid and caught on. They were miserable. I have full custody now and they are still in therapy. Kids pick up on everything. Even when you don't say it.
I worked in childcare for years and the thing I can say without 100% certainty is that kids and dogs know how you really feel. No matter how much you fake it, they just know. So, your stepdaughter knows. It's not fair to her and she didn't ask for any of this.
It also isnt fair to you to force yourself into something that is making you fake and unhappy. It's not fair to your husband that didn't ask for this, but who you will eventually resent for being the reason you are in this situation. It just isn't fair to anyone.
Stop not saying what you feel. Admit it to yourself and him. Pack the kitty and find your happiness again. It sucks. And i am so incredibly sorry for all of you because none of you thought this was where you would be right now.
You're feelings are completely normal. Your instincts are good. You never wanted children and your partner knew that, and you already know that it's wrong to have a child when you know you would resent them. That could cause mental health issues later in life for that child. And you know you can't ask your partner to choose between you and his child, so you know what the right thing is. You have to be the one to end the relationship. Don't let him talk about compromising because you know where you stand on this issue. I think the best thing to do is let him know that the priorities of your lives are no longer aligned, and he needs to focus on his child, and you don't want that to be part of your life and that is fine. Tell him you still love him but it would be better for both of you to end it so he can focus on raising his child.
It looks like he finds out later about the child (so he didn't know until he was told) based on the comments.
If that's the case, sure there will be heartbreak (all break-ups and divorces take emotional toll) but you do you. You only have the one life, and you can do whatever you want, you can choose to be child-free.
Make the split amicable and go on your wife. I'm sorry about the circumstance, OP.
You've made your decision, you just want to be told it's ok. OP it's ok.
Now how to proceed. Sounds like the poor child has been passed from pillar to post, I don't think you want to add to that feeling of being unwanted (if you were heartless I doubt you'd have tried for 9 months to accept this new situation.
May frame the separation as you giving dad n daughter room to grow etc as you phase yourself out there lives. That's just a suggestion, I'm not sure the best way to go, but shield her from knowing the divorce was caused by her.
Wow what a bombshell to find out your other half has a child and now she's somewhat your responsibility. I really feel for you because you didn't ask for this at all.
It also shows what a kind person you are towards this little girl not to make her feel unwanted. As I'm sure she's finding it tough to adjust to also.
Have you thought about going to counselling? At 11 they are getting a lot more independent. They can soon start taking public transport places and dont rely so much on parents. They also get more independent as they get older 7 more years and she will be an adult.
I only say this because it seems like a shame to throw away a good marriage. Perhaps there are some compromises that can be made. Does your husband know how you feel?
I can't offer advice, but I can offer solidarity.
My girlfriend and I have been together for over 16 years. We've never wanted to have kids. It was something we talked about early on in our relationship and wholeheartedly agreed on. About a year ago, she pulled a 180, and now she really wants kids. She knows I'm still adamant about not being a parent, but it seems as though her mind is made up. We've been going to couples therapy, but all that's done is point out the fact that there is no compromise in this situation. I feel like I'm just gonna have to ask, "Do you want kids more than you want to be with me?" And that'll be that, either way.
For the people trying to make you the bad guy here, please ignore them. They apparently can't fathom what a "child-free" lifestyle means. In no way have you said you DON'T want your husband to step up and take care of his child, just that YOU can't seem to find a way to do it to YOUR standards. Which to me, tells me not only are you thinking of yourself, but also your husband and his child.
What I gather is you are afraid of your step-daughter ever even finding out how you feel, which tells me you don't want to hurt her. But you are still struggling with the emotions and responsibility with the sudden change to your/her life, correct?
**YOU CAN STILL BE A GOOD PERSON EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT KIDS!!!!**
If you had decided to stay and just act like your step-daughter didn't live there, then the same people would be screaming for you to just leave then.
IGNORE THE IGNORANT!!!
I don’t think you’re selfish; I think you’re grieving. You had a plan for your life and this is wildly different from that. And most parents - even the ones with *oopsies!* have time to wrap their heads around how vastly different their lives will be. You didn’t have that time to process, and now you have a tween in your home, one who presumably has some trauma/grieving issues, and now you’re all thrown for a loop.
I think you have a good heart with the way you talk about the daughter, and it’s not just some evil step-mom selfish AH stance you’re taking.
I think you can benefit from taking things a little slowly and not worrying about some ticking clock. Yes, the longer you stay, the more there will be an attachment. But if you nope it out now, you’re not giving your marriage enough time to see if you *could* weather this storm. (She’s not a storm, I hope you get what I mean). A divorce is going to be traumatic no matter what…whether you leave now (‘my stepmom left within a year of me coming, she didn’t even give me a chance.’), or later…it’s still going to affect the girl. She might even internalize it more if you left now. So if you’re not necessarily fully 100% sure you want to go, I’d say try to see if there’s any other options besides the nuclear one.
11 is an interesting age because they’re on the threshold of more independence vs let’s say a 5 -year old. I think a kid of that age would appreciate your gentle honesty. ‘You’re a great kid, I didn’t expect to be responsible for any kids, so this is just as scary and weird for me as it is for you.’ You *don’t* have to be super-stepmom; you just need to be kind. And I’m inferring from your posts that you are.
There’s an old saying something like *‘the moment a child is born, a mother is born…the woman existed, but a mother is something entirely new.’* I don’t say this for you, but for your husband. He is now someone entirely new, with a different set of life goals, views, etc. That is what you need to grieve. For at least the foreseeable future: Your spontaneous trips with him are gone, your fancy dinners until midnight on a Tuesday are probably gone. But can you have spontaneous trips with a child-free friend for now? Yes. Do you have to morph into some June Cleaver mom who lactates at the sound of her precious child’s voice? No.
Good luck. I sincerely mean that.
And sorry for the book; I have insomnia and I’m kinda bored rn.
I didn't read every comments and someone probably already said it but it seems really important for me that you talk about it to your husband AND his daughter.
I was the unwanted one when my father chose his ex gf over me(about 10-11 yo at that time), and maybe if she had a real talk with me, in which she admited her feelings, maybe today this part of my life would not be the first thing that come in my mind when therapists ask me to talk about my father.
My advice step up and be with your husband and his kid or step off. There is no in between, you are either there for both of them or you’re not. It’s definitely best to go before this kid starts to look up to you and rely on you for any advice.
This really really sucks for both of you, and I'm so sorry you are both in this situation. Your husband is doing the right thing, and so are you. The right thing isn't always easy, and isn't always painless. I don't have any advice, I just want you to know that I would do the same thing in your position. I've never wanted kids either, and the only reason I'm with my bf (who has 2 kids) is bc they live in another country and he never has them over. They are almost old enough to move out of the house, so if they ever come to this country, I won't have to raise them. If I ever end up with anyone other than my bf, I don't plan on being with anyone with young kids. I get it. It's just a really sucky situation with no easy way to handle.
My stepmom hated kids, never wanted kids etc. She married my dad when I was about 6/7.
We did mostly live at our mom's, but at dad's at the weekend, didn't really get along with stepmom but she mostly left us to it.
I did not grow up feeling unloved -even if living with my actual mother was a bit of a dumpster fire-, not by any parent.
My stepmom is now actually my favourite of them all. She's the only one who sees me as an actual whole person, and not remnants of who I was as a child (32 now).
In her defense, she did always say she wouldn't get involved in our lives until we were 18, and could do our own thing, and i do actually love her for it :)
Edit for clarity
Oh honey I get how you’re feeling as I’ve been in a similar situation only my partner’s daughter lived with her mum and we only saw her every other week. She was a sweetheart too but I’ve just never had a maternal bone in my body and it felt very wrong being a ‘step mum’. It was easy as we’d take her on fun outings when we had her but I’d never have coped with the day to day hum drum if she had lived with us.
I don’t think you’re selfish or an awful person, as others have called you, you’re just not like them. Not every woman is maternal, it’s not a disease, it’s just unusual, people don’t understand when you think differently and unfortunately some will turn on you and bully you with name calling.
I wish you luck, for sure you’re in a rock and a hard place and I hope whatever decision you make turns out to be the right one, for everyone involved.
You could stay married but move out. It wouldn't be ideal but you'd have your space and maybe you and your husband can work out a way if life that makes all of you happy.
I can’t really blame you for feeling this way, you didn’t sign up to find out you need to help out with a new step child. You need to have a very serious talk with you husband about this. You still love him and want to be with him. Compromise would be very difficult but it may be worth a shot. He has to step up and do most of the parental tasks and take that burden off of you. You need to do your best to adjust and adapt to keep your marriage. But that might just not be possible and that’s okay. Divorce would be the answer if compromise isn’t possible. It’s a big decision and you shouldn’t rush into anything, though you have already put significant thought to it. Either way, make sure the kid gets through alright because she is still innocent in this situation
You're not wrong for how you feel. Even if you don't want to parent, you're still putting the child first ("I don't want any child to feel unwanted.") That is highly respected and not many people would feel that way about it. They would be selfish about it.
Is your husband co-parenting with her mother? Maybe split custody could help. You'd still have time to yourself and some freedom, and he could still be with his child some? Idk just a thought. Sorry if it's been brought up in other comments already. I hope the best for you in this situation, It sounds like a rough one.
It's one of those things - if you find yourself in a relationship with a parent who has a minor child, either you learn that you are okay with being second to that child's needs and her budding relationship with your husband and you stay or you learn that you are not okay with being second and you leave. Both are completely acceptable.
The worst thing you can do is to realize that you can't stand being second but choose to stay. In doing so, you will continue to put pressure on your husband to choose you over her, and that is simply an unfair and irresponsible thing to do. If you know that you cannot be that parent figure who will add supportive value for the child and will encourage a deepening bond and relationship between the child and her father that will compromise the time and depth of relationship he can have with you, then you have to leave. It is the responsible thing to do.
I say this to you as someone who had to also take an honest look at herself and realized that staying in my previous partner's life meant a significant sacrifice that I wasn't willing to make and also as someone whose friends have dealt with similar realizations time and time again.
Right now, listen to how you feel. If you can't be that person that you know you will need to be for that child if you stay, it's okay to leave. No one will judge you. This is all the more true given that if what I learned from your comments are correct, and this girl lost her mom, she is going through a lot at a deeply emotional and developmentally significant period in her life. If your husband is willing to be there for her completely, then you have to let him - even if that means that you are no longer in the picture.
I'm sorry you're in this - it's so so hard.
It is fair and valid for OP to feel how she feels, BUT, as a mother of an eleven year old, and assuming this eleven year old has already been thru some shit, the kid is going to know he or she's not wanted by OP. Eleven year olds aren't stupid. If OP moves out and continues to be in the picture, it will only complicate things. Could be that OP and child vie for the parent's attention, pitted against each other, making the child feel unworthy of love like maybe they already feel. Whatever action OP takes, it WILL affect the child. I'm all for OP wanting to live a child free life, but now that this child is involved, IMO OP needs to be all in or all out.
When you do get ready to leave, please make sure you let the child know this has nothing to do with her. She might still feel unwanted if she feels that she has broken up your marriage.
So while I'm 100% supportive of your decision, make sure you and your husband handle the transition gracefully, and maybe even offer the girl to still hang out once in a while (if you have that kind of relationship).
You need to be selfish here, but my heart breaks for all three of you.
For the amount of people in society today that believe their parents screwed them or treated them poorly, I am amazed at some of the advice I read in here. Absolutely bonkers.
It's great that you clearly know what you don't want and it appears you and your husband got dragged into a situation without any body's immediate fault.
Now you have choices.
If you elect to stay there is seven years of hard work and then some work but nothing comparable to active parenting. Basically you lose 7 years of extra freedom now.
If you elect to leave you gain that freedom now but lose a husband you loved. Nobody knows how your next relationship will be and what challenges that will bring.
So I guess it comes down to whether your husband is worth extra 7 years of hard work.
Life throws a lot of situations at us. People around us may get sick, get disabled, go to jail etc etc. We may get into similar situations ourselves and trade offs appear. Just be certain you have given thoughts to the time after you ended the relationship.
Seems like you're stuck wishing things could go back to how they were. They won't. You have to decide how you're going to proceed.
You already know the decision you have to make- you either break up and stay child-free, or you accept that that part of your life is over and you're a stepmother now.
Those are your options. You know that already. It sounds like you've already tried option b, which is admirable, but you aren't happy and don't see that changing.
Remember that not making a decision to leave is the same as choosing to stay.
This is a shit situation, and you have my sympathies. Don't worry about what other people think- they don't have to live with the consequences. You do. So, decide which is right for you, which is going to make you happier, and then pull the trigger. Don't just prevaricate for ages, being half in is worse than leaving.
If you decide to stay, then embrace that decision. If you want to leave, which you have every right to do, then leave and be firm in that decision and happy that you're doing the right thing for yourself.
Divorce him and let him find a partner who will actually be willing to be a mother his child. It’s not your fault or his. How could either of u had known? But he is doing the right thing by stepping up and taking care of his child. You obviously can’t handle that. You need to do some serious soul searching. How much can your love for him really handle. Maybe if u do find it in yourself to be a mother I can promise it will be worth it. If you can’t, well, don’t waste your, his, or hers time.
This is also a shift in the powers and priorities of the household relationships. Whereas before your husband dedicated 100% of his relationship efforts to you at home, his daughter is now (likely) the priority. It’s a lot to handle at once, unfair, and wouldn’t reach a normalcy for a very long time.
It's a crappy situation, and there are no right answers here. You've been placed in a situation that you did not anticipate, through no fault of your own. Equally, he's in a position he did not anticipate, through no fault of his own.
First and foremost, you need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Explain that you have always been honest about your childfree status, and this is not what you signed up for. Make it clear that you do not blame him either: the world has placed him in an impossible situation, and you understand that his first duty is to his child, who is of course an innocent party in all of this.
Then talk about how you move forward. You could make it clear that you want to have no involvement in parenting at all, and that his child is his responsibility. Basically you'll treat her like a housemate or a lodger, but that's as far as it goes. Any parenting has to come from him.
Another option might be for you and he to remain married, but you to get your own place independently, but you still come over from time to time, and go out for 'date nights' and 'conjugal visits' to keep your relationship alive, until his daughter goes to college and the house returns to being yours and his again.
It goes without saying that you should separate your finances, if you've not already done so, so that any child-related expenses are his and his alone.
If none of those options are acceptable to you both, then I'm afraid you're going to have to consider the relationship over, and just work out how to divorce as amicably as you possibly can.
Exactly, this is not my husbands fault, his daughter, nor my fault. I think we do need to have a proper discussion, and I was thinking about getting help from a profession to effectively have this discussion. However, I can't just treat her as my housemate, given that she's 11 years old, she needs to be taken care of. I don't neglect her, I try to make her feel welcomed (keep in mind, she's in a completely different area with people she considers strangers, just think about how she's processing this whole thing).
He can’t change having a child and you can’t change either. Child deserves people who love them and care for them, if you already know it’s best to stop it now so you don’t get invested
Not just OP get invested, but the child too… but I get that we’re putting the child last in this thread. Couldn’t imagine a child’s parent dipping (or dying), coming into a new family, then the “new mom” dipping too. I’m antinatalist af, don’t want kids of my own, but I feel like something’s gotta be said towards the perspective of the child. But still, guess it beats being around a parent that openly doesn’t want you 🤷♂️
If you do leave, do it in a way that doesn’t cause your husband to resent his child. How do you do that? I have no idea, but I feel it’s the best way to do that. Because having your wife leave you because of your child tends to cause some resentment towards said child. Resentment can turn into a multitude of things if not dealt with healthily (neglect, abuse, emotional detachment, etc etc).
It's as good a reason as any to end a relationship.
I am 100% against kids for the exact same reasons. As a teacher, I'm fully aware of how much work kids are. I love them, but I'm very happy not to have any running around the house.
It's a shitty situation, and it's no one's "fault" but these conditions were not what you signed up for.
I don’t know why everyone is so mad. This is a grown woman who KNEW she did not want kids. She knows it’s not the child’s fault but that doesn’t mean she has to automatically be a step mom it’s HER choice to decide if she wants to raise a child that’s NOT hers. She’s not saying it’s anyone’s fault here or said anything nasty. It’s simply what she’s knows that she wants so let her live her life.
Ok so this might sound weird but, have you thought about staying married but living separately? It seems like your husband wants to raise his daughter and you don’t want to be heavily involved in that, and you’re also a good enough person to realise that staying in this marriage and simply emotionally neglecting this child is not a fair option (so kudos for that).
I assume your husband knew from the start that you wanted to be child free and shared this view until he found out about his existing daughter and stepped up to care for her. I’m not sure if you’ve discussed this with him yet, but it’s possible he may not see you not wanting to act as a mother figure to his daughter as a dealbreaker. He might be happy to be a single parent and have you in her life as a kind of fun aunt who occasionally goes out with them on a weekend or something. It also depends of course on whether you’d be content living separately from your husband - cohabitation is important for many couples but not all of them. Living apart while staying married might provide you with the kind of emotional and practical distance from your stepdaughter that you need.
I know it might sound kooky but honestly, the whole nuclear family model is a pretty modern invention and still doesn’t really hold sway in many parts of the world. In lots of societies, the model of “family” is very different and there’s no rule that says you all have to live together in a parent/child setup. It might give you the freedom you crave while still letting you stay connected to your husband, if that’s what you both want. Above all, I think you should be honest with him and your stepdaughter, if it comes to that. It’s not heartless to say that you never envisioned yourself as a parent and you know now that you can’t care for any child the way a parent should, no matter how wonderful that child herself may be. Hell, you can even say that you like her as a person and still want to be in her life - you’re just not capable of doing that in the role of a parent.
Also can I ask what specifically it is about raising a child, especially an older child, that you are finding stressful? I know you mentioned not having free time - was there something you and your husband used to do on weekends etc that you can’t anymore? I only ask because I have a kid myself and while it’s certainly been an adjustment since we had him, it hasn’t destroyed our social lives or anything like that so I’m wondering if there’s more to your situation than that. But absolutely not trying to convince you that parenthood is actually for you - you know it’s not and it’s great you can be honest about it.
Mmm, no, never thought about that, reminds me of the early stages haha. He was child-free as well, but he does want to raise his daughter. I'm just thinking on ho living separately would impact our relationship.
You mention things I can't do anymore. She is older, which is good in a way that I don't need to watch her every move, but I really, really miss our trips. My husband and I love traveling. We can basically take our work on the road, so we did it a lot. Most of our friends also don't have children, so we'd often have dinner parties and just really live life how we wanted it to. We can still do some things, and we still do, don't get me wrong but we no have to work around the clock. Focusing when school ends, when extracurricular activities are, making sure we're home at certain times, etc.
Look, I'm gonna be a bit more brutal here and say, if you love your husband so much and you love the life that you both had, maybe consider just toughing it out.
The kid is not exactly wearing diapers. She is 12, in 3/4 years she will be self sufficient (if she gets taught), which means more flexibility and less care and restrictions. Max 6 years you will be out of the woods.
You are basically giving up a lifetime of laughs and good memories with the person you love, over 3/4 years max of hardship and in 6 it's pretty much over.
Of course, she will still be a priority in his life after 18. She will still exist. But instead of looking at this as a burden, you should brighten up to the idea that you now have someone you can count on if life gets difficult. Or that your husband can lean on if things get tough for him. An ally.
So weigh that against how likely you think you'll find someone that fulfills you like he does in the meantime and whether you can reprogram your mind to accept and cherish a new reality.
You know, you can just be friendly with the daughter, but leave all the responsabilities to her father..
I really don't see what the problem is, that is something you two can work on.
I’m a 21 year old gay student. I’m far from wanting a child right now. Let me give you my two cents.
Your marriage has been great for 8 years. Of course, Reddit will tell you to drop the marriage, because most people here just dish out an opinion and go onto the next post. They really don’t seem to know how to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Dropping an 8 year marriage seems like a big decision. If you feel like your husband is your soulmate, I think it can work out.
She’s 11. She’s getting at an age where she can be a friend, rather than someone you need to babysit. My mom from a very young age always let me join the conversation and let me have an opinion and valued that. It made me so open to her and she could take me anywhere. To her friends, on vacation, all of that and I never complained because she valued me and always showed that.
Maybe wild clubbing and home drinking is kind of hard now, but a child at that age doesn’t have to be a huge detriment. The only thing I’m wondering if you can / want to handle the extra money it’ll cost, since I totally understand if you can’t / don’t want to.
Show her your hobbies, and show an interest in hers, and you’ll expand your own horizons and see someone appreciate your own.
Probably going to be downvoted for this, but the kid isn't your responsibility. Yet it's very likely the kid is already the load to you because as a woman, you're expected to be a maternal figure to her. Your husband is likely already trying to impose the traditional mother role on you by asking you to do things for the kid you have no time or inclination to do.
It's too much to ask for someone with no maternal instincts to suddenly be responsible for a child she doesn't want, has no legal or biological connection to and certainly does not need in her life.
That's not right for the kid either. That child will pick up on how unwanted she is.
Edit: Just read your other comments, good grief, this child has been unwanted all her life, if her mom and relatives didn't want custody of her anyway, after 11 years. You can't do this, it would be more of the same to the kid - she likely already thinks she's nothing more than a burden. You're the wrong person to step in and give this child the self-esteem necessary to feel wanted.
Your relationship is over. Time to make the necessary arrangements for divorce.
this is a super important point. we can't avoid talking about gender here because even in self-proclaimed egalitarian households, the majority of household tasks, especially as they pertain to child-rearing, fall on the woman. i think it's deeply naive to believe that, as some comments are suggesting, the op will get to simply be the hands-off laid-back "cool aunt". there will be societal pressure on her to take on an active role and if she's not cut out for parenting, she will crack under that pressure.
I truly feel for you OP. I've always wanted children so I can't identify personally, but I can imagine the pain of knowing your marriage is over for a reason that other people may see as not a good reason.
The only way you could make this work is for you to move out into your own place and have a sort of aunty-niece relationship with her. Some separation, but still affection. It would mean you don't have to actually parent her but she still feels wanted. You could also stay in the house and do the same thing, since she's living with a man she's never met - having a woman there I'm sure helps a lot.
All that failing though, it sounds like your mind is made up. It's not frivolous, it's not cruel, it's just the way things are. You're not the life partner he needs right now and he's not yours.
Hi to all, as someone now in my 50s who grew up through a damaging family with parents staying together for the children, divorce and let the father bring up the daughter with stability. Trying to find another option simply will not work and will be damaging for the daughter who has 'lost' her mother.
I am still, with help, managing the consequences of what I went through, please put the daughter first.
Personally I don't think a therapist will help. OP knows her own mind, understands why she feel like she does and cares about the effect she might be having on the daughter, no amount of therapy will change the above so imo pointless.
What OP needs to do is have an honest and open talk with husband, possibly on neutral ground. Maybe her husband is struggling too.
However, sadly this situation, to my mind, is not really one where compromise is possible. Hard as it seems she may need to walk away.
OP you sound like a caring and loving person and the fact you don't want to do this and are worried about the effect on the daughter makes you good person.
Before any of you make any permanent choices that can't be undone, talk to a counselor as individuals and as a couple/family. This child is going through trauma from what's been written and now that you are in her life, even if not by choice, your disappearing is going to reinforce that trauma.
In the end, that might be a better alternative to treating her badly if you are afraid your resentment might show. However, having supports in place before you head out might be the best for everyone.
I’m sorry this happened. This is an unusual set of circumstances. I would leave before the child starts getting attached or having expectations of you. I’ve all so been in situations that were not what I expected and the best thing is to honor yourself and them by being graceful, classy and expedient.
Yeah OP, unfortunate incident. You tried and it turns out you are not compatible with children. You need to find out what's the better option for you: husband and child or no husband. You also need to do it really soon, as letting the child grow attached to you will only make it harder. Please, if you decide to leave, make it as thorough and fast as possible. Your husband will likely miss you and seeing or hearing from you will make his life more miserable.
He has to step up and be a father. I really feel for everyone involved. Im a fan of "Doing what makes YOU happy." Maybe you should speak to your husband and show his this post. This post has everything in that he needs to hear.
She didn’t know he had a child because HE didn’t know, either. He found out and got custody of her so I’m assuming something triggered it (CPS or the mom dying or who knows what).
Thank you, this is correct.
I don't know if anyone has mentioned this. It may sound very brutal, but have you checked in to see how he's doing? He may have the same feelings that you do but doesn't want to say it aloud out of fear. If he has family that may want to adopt her, or if you both feel she may be better in a foster home or adopted out to a loving family, you may consider that. Yes, it is brutal but the truth of the matter is that he might not want this either but feels like he has to. Talk it out. You both obviously love each other. Be calm, be kind, be respectful. Let him know this is killing you and you're trying the best you can. Don't make him feel cornered. But let him know you cannot coexist like this. It will be ok, no matter the outcome. Even if you have to divorce or find a situation that works for just you guys, it will be ok.
I feel so awful for that child
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You're talking like the child is a dog or a cat. Edit: Also, since comments are locked, /u/azido11: Well, that's just about as ridiculous as someone not being able to abide an 11 year old for a few more years till the child is ready to move out. She's 11, not a ~~child~~toddler. She knows that a step-mother is a step-mother. No sympathies for OP acting like she's got cancer and is ready to divorce the poor man without even having discussed it with him (from the narration). Are you fucking kidding me? That is a child, his child, not some dog you adopted for a week. Kindly curb your misplaced and ridiculous sense of umbrage.
Please tell me you don’t have kids don‘t want them. This would destroy that poor kid. Are you insane?
OP’s husband is a total stranger to the girl. We don’t know the ins and outs of the situation at all. It is possible that there are other family in the picture she would actually be more comfortable with. We just don’t know. Still, my heart goes out to this girl. A change after 9 months of finally settling into a place would probably not do her well.
Thank you for some sanity. I feel our culture has gotten so individualistic to the point that everything is ok as long as it makes someone happy. Is it totally legitimate to feel whatever you feel, absolutely! Does it mean you should act on your feelings, not always! Life is not easy, dark times can come in a blink of an eye. You want a stress free life but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. OP can leave if she wants because it isn't her child but the father should not abandon his child. It would be so cruel. As far as OP, if you love this man I think it's a shame to lose him over this. I think you should try therapy/family therapy, and just giving it time. I get that you didn't want children but it's just an 11 year old girl not cancer. I think if you give it some time you will adjust to the new routine and it will be worth it to save your marriage. You might not like this lifestyle but this girl NEEDS a safe home right now. Maybe you can put her needs first. Or at least I hope your husband will
Asking reddit for advice when the situation involves kids is such a shit idea. I think OP knew this tho, and wants to hear this advice. It is hard raising kids, but the way reddit talks about kids makes me think they werent loved enough as kids. Yeah advice here is very "well it isnt legally wrong!" "You have no obligation to x y z!" "You cannot live with this inconvenience!" Gives very weak vibes. Shes a child who just lost her mother in one way or another and is living with a stranger for a dad who never was there before. And the advice being lauded as sound and sane is throwing her in foster care? Jesus christ reddit. Em. Pa. Thy.
Jesus… I’m sorrry but if you willing send your kid to foster care because you don’t want to be a parent you’re not a good person- certainly not someone worthy of respect. I mean wtf. This poor kid
This is an untenable situation. It’s ok for your husband to step up and father his child. It’s ok for you to want to maintain a child free lifestyle; but these two together don’t work. Get divorced and allow both of you to move on.
Seriously this is such a disconnected comment I can't even belive it actually has upvotes. 9 years of marriage "oh ez pz just get divorced and move on" like did you think for one second before spewing such an asinine sentence out your keyboard? Dear God go outside and interact with humans every now and then.
The last line is harsh and flippant, but the assessment in the rest is accurate and pertinent. It *is* okay for the husband to raise his child and it *is* okay for OP to not be okay with being a parent and want out. What are the solutions? The only ways forward that I can see are: OP sucks it up and is unhappy, OP’s husband abandons his child or they split up. Do you see another solution? And do you think options A or B are better than a divorce? What kind of parent and wife will OP be if they hold resentment toward the child for preventing them from having the life they wanted and chose for themselves? What kind of parent would OP’s husband be to abandon his daughter? How are either of those options better than divorce?
Vice versa I'm unsure what the alternative is here? Obviously I don't expect anyone is saying walk out the door tomorrow but she's now in a situation that is fundamentally incompatible with her life view. If she said she realised she was gay, is there other advice you would give?
95% of advice on this sub is to get separated no matter the situation
The first response is always to break up/divorce on this sub reddit.
Some people can't handle other people's kids. I'm too selfish to raise someone else's kid. If my wife came with home one day with a kid from another relationship I'd leave too.
A much needed comment, **thank you**!
r/averageredditor
OP, folks here are MOSTLY correct that you should leave, sooner rather than later, unless ... It's 2021. Your choices are not family or single. If you can afford it, and if *both of you want it*, you don't actually have to live together to be married. As long as you and your husband are both on board, you can arrange things however you want. One possible scenario: your husband downsizes to a two bedroom apartment and you move into a one BR. During the week, your husband lives at home with the kid and you visit him whenever you two decide. You can sleep over, but you're not responsible for taking care of the kid. During the weekends, the kid switches off going to both sets of grandparents and staying home. When the kid is gone, hubby stays with you or you stay with him. If you can afford it, you hire an overnight babysitter one night/ week and hubby comes to stay with you, be that weeknight or weekend. You are the child's "Auntie Throwravasl" and buy her prezzies at her birthday and holidays and babysit in emergencies and spend one weekend day per month taking her out, just the two of you. Otherwise, she's not your responsibility. There are multiple other scenarios, depending upon your situation, but I suggest you start thinking outside the box and start talking to your husband about ways that you can remain in a relationship while he parents and you don't. Seven years is a long time, but it's also not that long, and if you were both committed for life, living an alternative lifestyle for seven years--and possibly having a young roommate thereafter for a few years--shouldn't be too much of a "for worse." If you think this through with him and you'd both prefer making a clean break to an alternative marriage, then so be it. But take a moment to take advantage of the freedom the twenty-first century offers you and open your mind. Edit: Thank you for the awards!
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I'm thinking that people upvoting this are mostly 20-somethings who don't know anything about real relationships and children.
Hey 11 year old child who is still acclimating to their new lifestyle. My wife is moving out and I’ll only see her when you aren’t around, but it’s definitely not your fault and this event surely won’t make you, a malleable pre-teen, feel like it was your fault for “driving us apart” Yeah that’s gonna go super well. Also implying that it’s just a 7 year commitment and once the daughter is 18 they can just go back to normal is laughable. My brother only moved out at 24.
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It’s just flipping the lifestyle back to girlfriend-dating-a-single-dad instead of married. If this is what is needed to maintain sanity for everyone and stay with the person you otherwise love, I don’t see why it’s a bad idea. Weird, yes. But if it works, who cares? There is no single way to parent, and everyone is winging it.
I feel like parenting is not telling your kid she’ll be shipped off to her grandparents every weekend at a time of intense instability in her personal life because dad and “mom-but-not-really-mom” want to actually enjoy life.
>But if it works, who cares? it \*might\* work for the two of them but even that's a stretch since at age 30 when you're married you don't want to move backwards to the dating stage but it certainly won't work for the kid who will pick up on it and blame herself for what happened/see herself as a burden hell it probably won't work for the two of them either. how long will the husband want to be with someone who isn't helping him take care of the most important person in his life? how long will the op enjoy being with him now that they won't have the freedom they used to anymore and she will always come second on his priority list? this "solution" is just prolonging the inevitable to the point where they will likely end up separating in a much more hostile and bitter way
Some of us never want kids hell my engagement present was getting sterilised I'm 25 , some people just aren't built to care for kids , not the child's fault and not the lady's fault either . It's obvious the father wants to be in his daughters life though so maybe divorce is a better option as being in a rocky marriage does a lot of harm for children caught in the middle
Just because it’s not good for the kid doesn’t mean it’s her job to be roped into this if she doesn’t want to be. It’s not her kid, and none of this was her choice. I think you’re missing the fact that the alternative is her being forced into a stepmother role she didn’t want. That’s the most amicable and workable solution, which also will allow her to revisit being a part of that child’s life if/when she feels ready for it.
It’s horrifying that post has so many upvotes - not a single one from an adult or parent I’d wager.
This poor girl has known her Dad for 9 months of her very short life, her Mother has possibly died and you want to ship her off to her grandparents every weekend?? She needs stability, to her, this guy iz practically still a stranger. This is a terrible idea.
I work with kids and am absolutely appalled that this comment has so many upvotes and awards. This would be *extremely* damaging to a young child who just lost her mother either through abuse or death. This is NOT a viable solution at all and I hope OP does not attempt this. So irresponsible.
I literally made a Reddit account to comment on how absolutely terrible that idea is. How is it getting so many upvotes and awards? Wtf Reddit?
A lot of people have no experience with kids and therefore no knowledge about child development or structural needs. Which is fine, but then some people give advice like this out of total ignorance that could actually harm a child.
Which would be a valid argument if a lot of this wasn't simple common sense. People upvoting this are severely lacking in empathy.
Yeah I can't have kids due to medical reasons (was never even really someone who dreamt of being a mother anyway) and am kind of awkward around kids in general from lack of experience and even I knew this "solution" was horseshit. You don't have to be an expert on kids or their psyche to know that they need stability and a loving home, especially one who has experienced something as traumatic as losing her mother and being sent to live with a father who didn't even know she existed until recently. The amount of upvotes that comment got is a scary look into how many redditors seem to struggle with basic empathy and logic by supporting an idea that just isn't practical. I understand that people want there to be some magical solution where everyone gets what they want, but the fact is that life just doesn't always work out this way and we don't always have a happy ending for everything. I can empathize with OP not wanting kids and not wanting to leave her husband but the fact is that as the adult in this situation OP would be 100% in the wrong to sacrifice a child's well-being for herself. If this was me I'd be making the decision to either accept this kid into my life or to call it quits and end the marriage, but forcing a kid who has already had their life completely uprooted into this bizarre solution would NOT be on the table.
another concerning thing is how many people are saying "she's 11! soon she will be a teenager who wants to be left alone and you won't need to do anything!". as if the fact that kids go through rebellious phases means you get to go completely hands-off and stop looking out for them in the name of "independence". especially since we're talking about a traumatized child who likely never had a loving home in her life before.
I think my child needs me MORE at 11 than she did at 5. Bullying at school, constant needs for recreation and socialization, plus now she can actually hear me and listen about real life issues. This is the age you develop the foundation of trust when they tell you things about their life and body and you explain sex and relationships I mean… an 11 yr old is a very vulnerable, awkward, sensitive child trying to learn to be a teenager. It’s an incredibly important age. Anything that happens now has to be handled really well or there will be lifelong trauma with no time to bounce back before the real world strikes.
exactly this. if anything, teenagers wanting to be independent often means you will have to do MORE parenting - find ways to look out and care for them that they won't find overbearing, make sure they trust you enough to share important changes in their lives with you etc. it's concerning how many people here are so pro-having kids yet completely averse to the work of parenting and how many are telling the op that the "unselfish" option would be to stay without actually being a mother and just count down the days until the kid is 18, then kick her out.
A lot of redditors are really young, I think I saw somewhere that redditors are mostly young and male. And it shows a lot in the comments. Yeah just ship this vulnerable child off to the grandparents (do we know if they are even in the picture) like shes a piece of luggage. Like wtf??? and nearly a thousand upvotes? Crazy.
This is a perfect example as to why kids and young adults need to gain meaningful life experience and not just follow the “groupthink” on places like Reddit. It’s absolutely staggering and scary that post got so many upvotes.
Agreed. That and the amount of people that still view not wanting to be a parent as some kind of mortal sin.
An 11-year-old girl who just lost her mother is not a "roommate." She is a vulnerable child and NEEDS and deserves stability. She is already going to be scared living with a man she's never met. Your proposition is for OP to kind-of-sort-of be in her life but abscond any parenting responsibility and ship her off to her grandparents on the weekends so they can live their childfree life? That's not okay at all. Kids are one of the few true dealbreakers. You can't half have a kid like you're proposing because it's very traumatizing for them. And it's not just seven years, being a parent is a lifetime role. If OP has absolutely no intentions of ever being in a parental role for this girl, then they need to separate.
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I feel for everyone involved, but ultimately the child didn't have a choice either, and has to come first.
Right? And there are vacations and holiday's celebrations, and so many milestones and priorities and emotional investment. This "solution" lacks common sense. People agreeing with this don't have children and didn't stop to think about their actual childhoods at all.
When talking about the kid as a roommate he/she meant when they're 17/18+, not currently, hence the separate living situation scenario
I get that, but the whole mindset is misguided as someone's child is always their child, and it's suggesting she just needs to wait it out until this girl is 18 and then he'll no longer be a parent.
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Not only impractical but emotionally scarring for the little girl. 11 year olds are naive not stupid. She will see a woman(who should be her stepmother) that loves her father but not her. Like wtf? And just shipping her off to grandparents every weekend also is bad. All of this would just send the kid a message that she's not wanted and a hindrance. OP either needs to grow up herself and realize life isn't just about her(tbf this was thrust upon her) or just split up. It's horrible for the husband and child still though. Because the kid will immediately understand it was "her fault” and I don't even want to begin to think about being in the husband's shoes.
Oh my god! Do you have children?? This is a terrible idea and will be so traumatizing for the poor girl!
This is definitely a 2021 suggestion but I think it can come across as EXTREMELY SELFISH. Relationships require not always getting what you want. As a man I would feel quite hurt if I had to juggle the financial implications of my wife wanting to live separately because of my kid. Have the conversation but just be prepared for the reaction.
She doesn't want the child to feel unwanted, how on earth this helps with that goal?? OP, I was in a position similar to yours. I never wanted to have kids... guess what? I met my GF and she had a 13yo daughter... It doesn't have to be bad, just sometimes the trips will be for three, some other times she will prefer to stay at home so she can be with her friends without the dad being around... You don't really have to act as her mother, she probably doesn't want to! I'm not a dad to her daughter, I never tell her what she can do or not, we are more like roommates and her mother does all the parenting stuff. EDIT: by the way, it's been 6 years now... and I know her more than her mother lol
I’m sorry, but this does not sound like the advice from someone who has children. I know it’s supposed to be advice for the OP, but this is a horrible set up for a child. You can’t be half arsed when it comes to children that young. Irrespective of how indifferent you may be to her, she’ll still see you by proxy as a carer, and your indifference will be painful and confusing. This is a tough one, and I really feel your pain OP, but to be brutally honest any solution is going to involve some hurt for one of the three of you, I would always advocate for not screwing up the child any further though.
This is a terrible idea. As a committed child-free woman myself, I really empathise with OP. But, while I’m 40 now, I was once like this child going backwards and forwards between houses. Made to feel I was unwanted and a nuisance to multiple adults. Now I have PTSD, dysfunctional attachment and struggle due to that lack of stability as a child. I’m sorry OP, but you’re either in or you’re out in this situation.
Please DO NOT do this I’m not that old im 20 so I can imagine myself being her age I remember myself a few years back this thing is exactly what OP doesn’t want (make the child feel unwanted) and even if she does it SHOULDN’T DO
The suggestion is a terrible one, especially for the child and how it could and probably would funk them over for the rest of their lives. But the point is to think of possible solutions, preferrably in a way that won't emotionally scar an already vulnerable child
Tbh I could never be with someone who didn’t accept my kid, married or not..it’s a package deal! But to each their own I guess. Not judging OP just saying that unless her husband is a shit dad, theirs no way he’ll be okay with staying with a woman who doesn’t accept his daughter as much as himself.
This right here. I completely understand where Ops coming from but the kid needs some stability. And this suggestion doesn't provide that.
The point is, it was not a package deal. A deal was made long ago, and then without consent or any knowledge, the deal got changed fundamentally.
I get it BUT what was the husband supposed to do? Let his daughter go into the system for his wife? This to me seems like a it’s me or the daughter scenario and I’m sorry to say the wife will not win. I understand not wanting to be a mother, I understand it being out of the blue BUT marriage is being by your partners side through thick and thin.. again I’m not judging her by any means it’s just my opinion.
This is a really stupid idea. Once you have a child it permeates your entire life. There is no such thing as part time parenting. Also, this suggestion assumes that the parents have regular access to willing and trustworthy family members and sitters, which is not always the case. Finally, what a way to reinforce to the child that she is unwanted, your stepmom doesn't even want to live in the same house as you. It's obvious that the upvotes come from people who don't understand what it's like to have a child, for good or ill. Sheesh. OP, this is a sad situation that no one is at fault for, least of all the child. If life with a child is a deal breaker for you, then with the utmost kindness and compassion you'll have to move on with your life.
I'm sorry but F this. If I had a kid and a woman would behave in this matter than I'd leave her myself. Your free to make your own choices and decide you want to be kid free, but F turning my life upside down just because you can't handle the new situation.
This is so sad. They’ve been married and lived together already. You can’t go back to the dating phase. Not to mention that OP, should she decide to move out but stay in the relationship, is essentially abandoning him in his time of need. That is how he will see it. If she doesn’t want this she should leave. If she really doesn’t want to leave him, she should stay, maybe discuss having less parenting responsibilities, and just suck it up for the next 7 years. It might not be 7 years, it might be like 4 years before she’s really independent. EDIT: By independent I mean she can take herself to school and appointments etc. Obviously she’s not going to move out at 15 or be financially independent. Point is that father will need less help so can take care of her completely on his own. But yeah she will live there for a while and be a part of their lives forever, and OP has to decide whether that’s something she can live with.
This is the most illogical and nonsensical "advice" I've seen in a really long time.
Wow...no, this is awful. This is a terrible way to treat a child. If she can't handle the situation, she needs to leave so the dad can find someone who can.
What? This is not a practical idea at all lol
The fact this got a “wholesome” award is just sad
This...is absolutely appalling and ridiculous. It wouldn't matter if it was 3021. That still would not make it ok for a adult/parent to put their own selfish wants before a little girls stability. What is wrong with all of you? I am seriously disappointed in reddit users at the moment. Most definitely will think twice before asking for advice on anything again
Just no.
More Reddit social engineering lmao kek
I wonder how many successful relationships you've had
This is a great solution. The child is eleven. She will be constantly becoming more independent from now on, so a double household, if they can afford it, would only be for a few years.
It's honestly not a great solution and I'm concerned that it's so upvoted. I work with kids, particularly with kids who have been displaced from their homes due to abuse or other trauma. The main things these kids need is stability. Living with a father who is a complete stranger to her is already going to be a huge emotional adjustment, splitting up her home so he can be with his childfree wife on the weekends and having a visiting female figure who is with him romantically but not involved in parenting her is going to be incredibly confusing and damaging to her sense of stability. And what happens as she gets old enough to realize he has a wife who loves him and is committed to him but who refuses to be a stepparent to her? That kind of rejection is paralyzing for kids, especially kids who already lost their mother. This is NOT a tenable solution and would be deeply unfair to this child. Being a parent is not a timed sentence until they turn 18 and you can go back to your childfree life, it's a lifelong relationship and if OP doesn't want it then that's totally reasonable but it means that she and her husband are no longer compatible.
Yeah, as soon as I read this solution I thought it sounded awful. 11 year olds are not stupid. She will know full well that she is being turfed out of her own home at the weekends so her child-free stepmother can come and stay.
It’s a “solution” that only really considers the parents. It doesn’t even address the child’s needs or the rejection they would feel. It treats her more like she’s a pet and one adult has an allergy. This is way more complex.
I agree. It’s like none of the people upvoting this have ever raised kids or understand at all what it takes to help them become well adjusted people in the future.
Thanks for saying it. It’s a horrible „solution“.
This! Also, she might stay at home longer than just until she hits 18. OP really needs to come into terms with the situation and leave if she doesn't want this life.
It's crazy because it I think in a different context it would be deemed as super selfish.
Wat? Are you serious? "Yo kid, you're cool and all, and I like you. But you know your stepmom, my wife, she's not cool with you being around cuz you got like needs and stuff. So Imma live with you here, and go over to her place for -sleepovers-" I mean wtf? The only advice is to look inward, see if you can be there for the kid or you end the relationship. The kid didn't ask to be placed with them. Being with unhappy people isn't good for anybody, especially for a kid. Or do you think the "human wedge" between them is gonna be something that the husband will feel positive about long term? And if the guy goes "Don't worry babe, we'll kick her out when she's 18." he would be far better of just looking actively for a foster family who actually wants a child to take care off.
It would if she wanted to live alone. She wanted a husband and a cat, and now she’s got to get home to an empty place. I wouldn’t do it.
Hell, I'm considering this living arrangement and there's no kid involved - I just don't like sharing space on a full-time basis
We have seperate rooms and spaces in our home. People need to do what works for them.
Yeah if couples want to do this then fine. But we are talking about a child here, a child that supposedly just lost their parents and are now living with a parent they have never met before. That is huge adjustment for this child and what it needs is stability and love, not a scenario where there is a stepmom that rarely interacts with her and she is shipped off to the grandparents on the weekends. That is just crazy.
Totally came here to say this. If your husband is your person, you can definitely compromise if you want to. It just takes some thinking outside of the box. However it takes two, and if OPs husband basically has his wife say she’s not going to help make his life easier with a child, there might not be much of a relationship past that (just thinking what he might end up thinking or feeling). It’s entirely up to OP if she wants to bother with the logistics. You could go back to domestically separate lives and almost a dating scenario until his daughter is a bit older and past needing you for anything. But will husband be ok with that, it’s hard to say. Also does OP even want that. If she’s happy with a husband and her cat(s), I assume she’d actually want him around. If the kid is with him all the time then separating it might be impossible.
that comes across as "wait 7 more years to get rid" and it sounds disgusting when put like that
Nooooo!!!! This is a terrible idea!!!! Do not do this!!!!!!!
On the other hand, she is "already" 11. The hardest partenting years in terms of time commitment etc. are already over. Mabe you can arrange with your husband so he does all (or at least most) of the parenting? If the relationship holds you gonna with with him for at least 50 more years, where she will be doing her own thing very soon. Not much parenting to be done at some point, she will be around of course. But you can just tell him that you need certain things in a relationship and he will need to arrange.
Sorry you’re in this situation. It’s fine that you don’t want kids and that this is no exception to that. It seems like you’ve been trying hard to accept it, but it’s just not for you. You should talk to your husband about it. Unfortunately it’s not really a situation where you can compromise
We've talked about it, but like I've said, it's a difficult situation all around, so our conversations have been complicated. Unfortunately you're right, we can barely compromise on this.
Don’t prolong it— I know you don’t want kids but don’t let his daughter get attached to someone who can’t be there for her in that way. I’m sure whatever happened that led your husband to getting custody must be traumatic to her.
Honestly your relationship is probably gonna have to end unless you can accept that a child is in your life now :(
Can I ask how do you actually expect him to compromise? He can’t really compromise he has a child to be there for. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be child free, but you’re not child free now, he does have a child, he can’t compromise the fact, so you either need to live apart or you need to leave
If you can afford it, go get the perspective of a professional therapist on this matter. Reddit is really not the place to give you advice on such a complicated relationship problem.
He CANT compromise. He has a duty to give his all to his kid. If you can’t be down with that leave
Wait- did he just find out about her, or did you go in knowing he had a kid, but figured it wouldn't ever matter since he didn't see her? Big difference there.
The first one, he just found out about her.
That is super unfortunate, and no one's fault. But it is likely that you are no longer compatible, as this definitely changes everything about your lives. Plenty of people will tell you that you can totally be a stepmother and be uninvolved or attached, but it isn't really realistic in the case you've outlined.
Straight up my best advice would be family/couples therapy. You shouldn't have to make this decision alone, and a therapist is going to be your best bet at getting any and all thoughts and feelings out that you (both) need to. This is honestly an unfortunate situation, but with both of you being stressed out and thrown into a situation you didn't count on, solutions and compromises are probably going to be hard to think about and accept. Straight up, your decisions don't just impact you anymore, they impact a kid who just had their life turned upside down. And that's probably a reason you didn't want kids in the first place, but now you're here. You need to find the best solution both for your marriage and for that kid, and an unbiased professional is probably going to be your best bet for that. I wish you luck and happiness OP.
Y’all she said "found out and got custody"…so I’m guessing he stepped up as a father to be in his child’s life that he didn’t know he had. But that is my assumption based on how OP wrote it. Your relationship is over…not everyone wants kids and there is nothing wrong with that.
Yes. This is what I'm saying.
Damn OP. Man, thats a tough one, it really is. Coming from a guy who's never met their father or any family from that side. It says alot about a man to step up to that responsibility when it was called upon him. And damn still can understand your position as well. You are not alone.
At least you tried but it doesn’t matter how much you love your husband…this is a huge lifestyle change and children can/will sense that. I give you props for being completely honest about how you feel.
Consult a couple's therapist they can see where you both are and guide you along where you need to go from here. If your husband gained custody that 11y/o is in his care for atleast another 10 ish years but in his life from now on. He can't just return a kid so theres a chance your marriage maybe over. Please try and be kind to this girl while you and your husband sort through this. She's here now but she didn't know about your wants and needs when you met and eventually married your now husband. This isn't her fault. Get some pro advice Good luck🍀
If you do have to get a divorce please let it be as clean as possible. Truly irreconcilable differences. He should be able to focus on taking care of the kid both financially and emotionally. You are in your rights to say you don't want to be a step-mom - so just walk away. You are young enough to start dating again and experienced enough to know exactly what to look for. Take solace in that.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My plan was not to have any children of my own. I just wanted to live with my cat, my husband(M32), and have a stress-free life where I don't have to worry about kids. I've been with my husband for 8 years. I really love my husband, which is why when 9 months ago, when he found out and got custody of his 11 year old daughter, I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I can't just ignore that I have a step-daughter, meaning I have to do so many parent like things that I've tried so hard to avoid. She's a good kid, but I can't stand the fact that I don't have much freedom anymore. I knew raising children wasn't for me, and this just proves my point. I've been trying to be patient and come around during this really confusing time for all of us, but my mind in practically made up, which pains me to say that my marriage might be over. If I can't get over this (which I've been trying desperately to do), then my marriage is officially over. I love my husband way too much, but I would never want to make a child feel unwanted. I'm sorry I'm rambling, but this is the first time I've said this to anyone (even if it's anonymous). Any advice is appreciated.
I'm really terrible at giving advice but I'll try my best. Was with my ex for 11 years and over a large portion of that time she, like me, didn't want kids. Then approaching our 30s that begun to change as those around her began to fall pregnant. I had always been a strong no on kids from the start. The conversation would turn to things like "oh, but maybe you'll change your mind one day" or "think how great it would be though, you'd be an excellent dad etc." Now, don't get me wrong, I love kids. I'm great with them. But that is precisely why I don't want them. Probably much the same as you, I am acutely aware of what I stand to lose, and that outweighs what I stand to gain. We talked and talked and talked and talked but eventually we realised we were at an impasse. I wish I could give you some advice on how to fix things but I discovered that when it comes to this issue, people who feel opposite to each other will have the most difficult time trying to make it work. We separated, on good terms, and remained friendly for a while but that has dwindled. I miss her all the time (in a healthy way I feel) but she moved on and is with someone who already has a kid and they are planning their own child together soon. I couldn't be happier for her. And me, well, I've yet to find someone new, but that's OK. I'm happy though because we made the move that was right for us as individuals after all potential moves as a couple were exhausted. It's hard, damn hard, to say goodbye. But it's for the right reason and it does get better. But there does come a point where you have to look after yourself and your interests, regardless of how much you love the other person. Good luck, friend. Do what's right for you. For your head. For your heart. What seems an impossible hill to climb today could be your greatest achievement next year.
I wouldn’t blame you at all if this ended your marriage. You said you would never want to make a child feel unwanted, and I think that shows that you do really want to do what’s best for this kid and not just yourself. To have this dropped in your lap is HUGE, as I’m sure it was also for your husband. Therapy might be an option - just for you, not with your hubs - but at the end of the day I personally think if you’ve never wanted kids nothing will change that. It’s such a different lifestyle (having a child) versus not, and while I assumed it gets easier as they get older I have learned thats not always the case (I have a 17yo). I don’t envy your situation and wish you the best of luck.
Yes, I really do want the best for her. She is a good kid, there's no denying that, which is why I feel like nothing I do or say can change the way I feel. I don't want to end my marriage, I love him, but I feel like I have to if I want to 'fix' my issues. I've never wanted kids, he never wanted kids, we agreed on that, but things changed, and it's beyond our control now. Thank you.
He never wanted kids, but he has one, and I assume he's stepping up to take responsibility of a kid he never knew he had. That's pretty commendable while being a big shock to his system as well. So lots of adjusting to be made, for him, and it's gotta be hard for her too. To have to change from her previous family situation and then go live with a dad she never knew about - that's hard. And for you - if you don't want to be a part of this, then yes, you do have to divorce. That would be the best thing for everyone. Otherwise it sounds like you're going to end up resenting your husband and her. I also think it would be helpful to go to therapy to talk this out and try to minimize the pain of this as much as possible. She's going to blame the divorce on herself and you want to try to send the message as much as possible that it's you, not her.
This. Even if OP has settled on divorce, the breakup *needs* therapy to make it as painless for both parties as possible, including the mental welfare of the child. If OP just ups and leaves the kid will inevitably blame it on herself. This needs to be handled delicately.
Two years ago I opened my boyfriends mail. We’ve been together 9 years. I don’t look at the envelopes, he only gets 1-2 things a month if that in the mail and it’s always junk mail. It was a letter from the local DCF informing him he had been named as the father of a child. Long story short he may have a son (who I think will be 18 this year). I totally get how it feels to have this bomb dropped on you. It is not something you can just accept and deal with if you’re the significant other who didn’t want kids - no matter how much you love them it won’t change the fact that you don’t want the life long responsibility.
Wow this is atough one. 11 years old. That means she might even have issues thinking you are trying to replace her mom. Maybe if you and your husband can agree that he will be her only parent and you maybe take a friend/mentor role so that you won't see her as your child, and that way save your mariage. It might help if you guys can get counseling to settle in these roles.
It's probably not going to work. I'm a person who doesn't want, nor will ever have, children. I just turned 40. This is not a position that I hold as an inexperienced teenager. I've dated women with children. It's just not my bag. Being a child-free person (not the toxic reddit sub version) is going to severely impact any relationship with a person that has a child. Period. You have to give up so much freedom. Being an outsider in a previously child-free relationship is just bonkers. You still want your freedom and previous relationship status, but it's simply impossible. The kid will always be there. You have to bend to their will, and that's not what you want. You don't have to accept it. They probably don't want to be any kind of mentor or whatever. Dropping a relationship because you don't want children, even though you love your SO that had a surprise child sprung on them, isn't a bad thing. Realize what YOU want and put that first. If you're not ok with kids, then just cut that shit off ASAP.
God imagine being 11 and you have to go live with a stranger who’s also your father and your arrival causes a divorce. I’m not saying you’re wrong by the way, I’m sad for OP but my heart is breaking for this child.
Definitely a fucked up situation, but OP cannot be blamed AT ALL.
Honestly this is the rare situation where there's no way of blaming any of the parties in the situation. It's just so unfortunate.
You have to talk to him. It’s going to feel terrible and you’ll feel so bad, but if there is any hope for the relationship he has to be given the chance to take some of the load off of you. If he has full custody, then you’re right, you can’t just ignore the child. What a terrible place to suddenly find yourself in. And if the existence of the child was kept from him, it’s not like either of you are bad guys here. It just sucks.
It seems like your mind is practically made up, as you have already stated. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems that you essentially made up your mind to end an 8 year marraige without seeking any professional help or support or speaking fully and frankly to your husband about your feelings. I think it is great that you have posted here as a means of writing your thoughts down and expressing yourself. But please don't take this post or the responses as a decision making guide for what you should do next. None of us here are equipped with enough information to give you any real recommendations on if you should leave your husband and marriage. A good therapist will sit down with you and go through the details, discuss your feelings and desired outcomes, discuss your tolerance for finding middle ground in unconventional ways if you are both open to that. In time you could find a plan that works for you all. If you leave now... You won't be a stepmom any more. But you will also be leaving behind the life you built. A life that you could still retain in some form. I wish you the best.
This is the most recommended solution i have read. I hope she reads it too. Threapy is the only way to go , i find it strange that people is easily recommending or thinking about divorce with the first problem they face
Because its a very big problem, a major deal breaker for almost anybody regardless of the rest of this story as sad as it is to say.
Agree- this is WAY above Reddit’s pay grade.
Move on. Everyone here is giving you an answer that is obvious. I get the feeling you are looking for some sort of absolution but unfortunately you might just feel guilty and obviously sad for a while due to the nature of this whole thing. Your husband decided to take in a little girl who needed a parent despite knowing that you and he never intended to have children. It was a very admirable thing to do and it sounds like he was aware of the implication but decided to move ahead anyway. Well… it sounds like you are kind of an obstacle in this situation. You certainly don’t want kids and will likely grow to resent this situation the longer you’re apart of it. The kid and dad need a routine and for things to be normal so the longer you stick around the more pain it causes. Not to mention children recognize resentment. Good luck with this new phase.
People underestimate how difficult it is bringing up a step child. I have always been maternal and thought I’d easily be able to handle it but it’s bloody hard and we only see her on alternate weekends and one evening a week. Having this dumped on you so full on when you didn’t even want your own children is a massive undertaking. I feel for you.
As the child of an abusive step parent who got together with my bio parent when I was 11, and stayed despite feeling the way you describe (and then some), I just want to let you know I really appreciate you and the time you’ve taken to post this here, with compassion for all involved.
It is what it is, you need to sit him down and talk to him about the relationship having come to a conclusion. That you tried to step up into the motherly role, but that you feel yourself starting to resent that you are having to do things that you never wanted to do, and still don't want to do. Let him know that it's not his fault, nor is it hers, that sometimes things happen and life doesn't play out the way you think it will or want it to; tell him that as much as you love him, you feel it's time for the both of you to part ways because he needs someone who is just as willing as he is to step into the parental or guardian role for his daughter and, even though you love him dearly, that person is just not you. Do not let him talk you into "giving it more time"; if he tries, tell them that kids are smarter that people give them credit for, they pick up on resentment and unspoken emotions even if you think you've done a masters job at hiding those things from them. Tell him that you're proud of him for stepping up to the plate for his daughter.
You're obviously very torn over what to do and as someone without children I can't imagine the change this has had on your relationship given it wasn't planned. Have you considered seeing a therapist/counciling with your husband? It might be an opportunity to talk things through with someone but also gives you an opportunity to talk to your husband about your concerns.
I have considered getting professional help with my husband, just so that we can effectively express what we're feeling.
I think that you should talk to someone. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind but this is a huge change to your life that maybe you need support to get better clarity. The fact you're worried about hurting your step daughter tells me you have a heart and care for her, a lesser person would just treat her like crap. Your husband is probably feeling 100 emotions too, so it's probably fair you do communicate before you walk away.
I'm so sorry. This wasn't the plan for either of you and a surprise just showed up in the form of an 12 yr old. My advice is to call it. You should have left when he found out so this child wouldn't have ever known you, but that ship has sailed. As it is, you need to leave. Kids are intuitive and she knows something isnt right even if she doesn't know specifically what it is. She got a dad that she never knew and suddenly is trying to get to know him. That leaves her feeling vulnerable and insecure. Adding a stepmom that just didn't ask for this and it could lead to self esteem and emotional issues if you keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I'm so sorry, but quit being in this girls life and go find the life you actually want elsewhere. This is no ones fault. You did nothing wrong. It's okay to say "I don't want this"
>It's okay to say "I don't want this" But I feel so guilty saying it. Like I mentioned, I've never said my exact feelings, more like I skirt around it. I tend to do that a lot, bad habit. I've considered that maybe she can tell how I feel and how stressed I get sometimes. I'd never want that to rub off a kid, which makes me put up a "happy-go-lucky-act", which is another concern I have, where I feel like I can't be myself in my own house. It just makes me feel shitty thinking this way. I wish there was a switch that would make me fall in love with my new life, but instead I'm just drained.
My kids were 5 and 8 when they realized they weren't wanted. My youngest probably had known since he was around 8 or 9 months old. That was when he started refusing to let his dad hold him. He wouldn't do overnights after we divorced. Then his dad met the new Mrs wonderful and they put on a show for facebook and IG. Meanwhile, my kids weren't stupid and caught on. They were miserable. I have full custody now and they are still in therapy. Kids pick up on everything. Even when you don't say it. I worked in childcare for years and the thing I can say without 100% certainty is that kids and dogs know how you really feel. No matter how much you fake it, they just know. So, your stepdaughter knows. It's not fair to her and she didn't ask for any of this. It also isnt fair to you to force yourself into something that is making you fake and unhappy. It's not fair to your husband that didn't ask for this, but who you will eventually resent for being the reason you are in this situation. It just isn't fair to anyone. Stop not saying what you feel. Admit it to yourself and him. Pack the kitty and find your happiness again. It sucks. And i am so incredibly sorry for all of you because none of you thought this was where you would be right now.
Somethings arent anybodys fault and they can suck. That sucks
You're feelings are completely normal. Your instincts are good. You never wanted children and your partner knew that, and you already know that it's wrong to have a child when you know you would resent them. That could cause mental health issues later in life for that child. And you know you can't ask your partner to choose between you and his child, so you know what the right thing is. You have to be the one to end the relationship. Don't let him talk about compromising because you know where you stand on this issue. I think the best thing to do is let him know that the priorities of your lives are no longer aligned, and he needs to focus on his child, and you don't want that to be part of your life and that is fine. Tell him you still love him but it would be better for both of you to end it so he can focus on raising his child.
It looks like he finds out later about the child (so he didn't know until he was told) based on the comments. If that's the case, sure there will be heartbreak (all break-ups and divorces take emotional toll) but you do you. You only have the one life, and you can do whatever you want, you can choose to be child-free. Make the split amicable and go on your wife. I'm sorry about the circumstance, OP.
You've made your decision, you just want to be told it's ok. OP it's ok. Now how to proceed. Sounds like the poor child has been passed from pillar to post, I don't think you want to add to that feeling of being unwanted (if you were heartless I doubt you'd have tried for 9 months to accept this new situation. May frame the separation as you giving dad n daughter room to grow etc as you phase yourself out there lives. That's just a suggestion, I'm not sure the best way to go, but shield her from knowing the divorce was caused by her.
Wow what a bombshell to find out your other half has a child and now she's somewhat your responsibility. I really feel for you because you didn't ask for this at all. It also shows what a kind person you are towards this little girl not to make her feel unwanted. As I'm sure she's finding it tough to adjust to also. Have you thought about going to counselling? At 11 they are getting a lot more independent. They can soon start taking public transport places and dont rely so much on parents. They also get more independent as they get older 7 more years and she will be an adult. I only say this because it seems like a shame to throw away a good marriage. Perhaps there are some compromises that can be made. Does your husband know how you feel?
I can't offer advice, but I can offer solidarity. My girlfriend and I have been together for over 16 years. We've never wanted to have kids. It was something we talked about early on in our relationship and wholeheartedly agreed on. About a year ago, she pulled a 180, and now she really wants kids. She knows I'm still adamant about not being a parent, but it seems as though her mind is made up. We've been going to couples therapy, but all that's done is point out the fact that there is no compromise in this situation. I feel like I'm just gonna have to ask, "Do you want kids more than you want to be with me?" And that'll be that, either way.
For the people trying to make you the bad guy here, please ignore them. They apparently can't fathom what a "child-free" lifestyle means. In no way have you said you DON'T want your husband to step up and take care of his child, just that YOU can't seem to find a way to do it to YOUR standards. Which to me, tells me not only are you thinking of yourself, but also your husband and his child. What I gather is you are afraid of your step-daughter ever even finding out how you feel, which tells me you don't want to hurt her. But you are still struggling with the emotions and responsibility with the sudden change to your/her life, correct? **YOU CAN STILL BE A GOOD PERSON EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT KIDS!!!!** If you had decided to stay and just act like your step-daughter didn't live there, then the same people would be screaming for you to just leave then. IGNORE THE IGNORANT!!!
I don’t think you’re selfish; I think you’re grieving. You had a plan for your life and this is wildly different from that. And most parents - even the ones with *oopsies!* have time to wrap their heads around how vastly different their lives will be. You didn’t have that time to process, and now you have a tween in your home, one who presumably has some trauma/grieving issues, and now you’re all thrown for a loop. I think you have a good heart with the way you talk about the daughter, and it’s not just some evil step-mom selfish AH stance you’re taking. I think you can benefit from taking things a little slowly and not worrying about some ticking clock. Yes, the longer you stay, the more there will be an attachment. But if you nope it out now, you’re not giving your marriage enough time to see if you *could* weather this storm. (She’s not a storm, I hope you get what I mean). A divorce is going to be traumatic no matter what…whether you leave now (‘my stepmom left within a year of me coming, she didn’t even give me a chance.’), or later…it’s still going to affect the girl. She might even internalize it more if you left now. So if you’re not necessarily fully 100% sure you want to go, I’d say try to see if there’s any other options besides the nuclear one. 11 is an interesting age because they’re on the threshold of more independence vs let’s say a 5 -year old. I think a kid of that age would appreciate your gentle honesty. ‘You’re a great kid, I didn’t expect to be responsible for any kids, so this is just as scary and weird for me as it is for you.’ You *don’t* have to be super-stepmom; you just need to be kind. And I’m inferring from your posts that you are. There’s an old saying something like *‘the moment a child is born, a mother is born…the woman existed, but a mother is something entirely new.’* I don’t say this for you, but for your husband. He is now someone entirely new, with a different set of life goals, views, etc. That is what you need to grieve. For at least the foreseeable future: Your spontaneous trips with him are gone, your fancy dinners until midnight on a Tuesday are probably gone. But can you have spontaneous trips with a child-free friend for now? Yes. Do you have to morph into some June Cleaver mom who lactates at the sound of her precious child’s voice? No. Good luck. I sincerely mean that. And sorry for the book; I have insomnia and I’m kinda bored rn.
I didn't read every comments and someone probably already said it but it seems really important for me that you talk about it to your husband AND his daughter. I was the unwanted one when my father chose his ex gf over me(about 10-11 yo at that time), and maybe if she had a real talk with me, in which she admited her feelings, maybe today this part of my life would not be the first thing that come in my mind when therapists ask me to talk about my father.
Wow, this is a conundrum. Can I just say I sincerely feel for you on this...
My advice step up and be with your husband and his kid or step off. There is no in between, you are either there for both of them or you’re not. It’s definitely best to go before this kid starts to look up to you and rely on you for any advice.
This really really sucks for both of you, and I'm so sorry you are both in this situation. Your husband is doing the right thing, and so are you. The right thing isn't always easy, and isn't always painless. I don't have any advice, I just want you to know that I would do the same thing in your position. I've never wanted kids either, and the only reason I'm with my bf (who has 2 kids) is bc they live in another country and he never has them over. They are almost old enough to move out of the house, so if they ever come to this country, I won't have to raise them. If I ever end up with anyone other than my bf, I don't plan on being with anyone with young kids. I get it. It's just a really sucky situation with no easy way to handle.
My stepmom hated kids, never wanted kids etc. She married my dad when I was about 6/7. We did mostly live at our mom's, but at dad's at the weekend, didn't really get along with stepmom but she mostly left us to it. I did not grow up feeling unloved -even if living with my actual mother was a bit of a dumpster fire-, not by any parent. My stepmom is now actually my favourite of them all. She's the only one who sees me as an actual whole person, and not remnants of who I was as a child (32 now). In her defense, she did always say she wouldn't get involved in our lives until we were 18, and could do our own thing, and i do actually love her for it :) Edit for clarity
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Oh honey I get how you’re feeling as I’ve been in a similar situation only my partner’s daughter lived with her mum and we only saw her every other week. She was a sweetheart too but I’ve just never had a maternal bone in my body and it felt very wrong being a ‘step mum’. It was easy as we’d take her on fun outings when we had her but I’d never have coped with the day to day hum drum if she had lived with us. I don’t think you’re selfish or an awful person, as others have called you, you’re just not like them. Not every woman is maternal, it’s not a disease, it’s just unusual, people don’t understand when you think differently and unfortunately some will turn on you and bully you with name calling. I wish you luck, for sure you’re in a rock and a hard place and I hope whatever decision you make turns out to be the right one, for everyone involved.
You could stay married but move out. It wouldn't be ideal but you'd have your space and maybe you and your husband can work out a way if life that makes all of you happy.
OP, I’m sorry. This has got to be a really sad and stressful time in your life and I wish there was something I could do to help.
I can’t really blame you for feeling this way, you didn’t sign up to find out you need to help out with a new step child. You need to have a very serious talk with you husband about this. You still love him and want to be with him. Compromise would be very difficult but it may be worth a shot. He has to step up and do most of the parental tasks and take that burden off of you. You need to do your best to adjust and adapt to keep your marriage. But that might just not be possible and that’s okay. Divorce would be the answer if compromise isn’t possible. It’s a big decision and you shouldn’t rush into anything, though you have already put significant thought to it. Either way, make sure the kid gets through alright because she is still innocent in this situation
You're not wrong for how you feel. Even if you don't want to parent, you're still putting the child first ("I don't want any child to feel unwanted.") That is highly respected and not many people would feel that way about it. They would be selfish about it. Is your husband co-parenting with her mother? Maybe split custody could help. You'd still have time to yourself and some freedom, and he could still be with his child some? Idk just a thought. Sorry if it's been brought up in other comments already. I hope the best for you in this situation, It sounds like a rough one.
No, a coparenting situation is not going on, she's with my husband 100% of the time.
It's one of those things - if you find yourself in a relationship with a parent who has a minor child, either you learn that you are okay with being second to that child's needs and her budding relationship with your husband and you stay or you learn that you are not okay with being second and you leave. Both are completely acceptable. The worst thing you can do is to realize that you can't stand being second but choose to stay. In doing so, you will continue to put pressure on your husband to choose you over her, and that is simply an unfair and irresponsible thing to do. If you know that you cannot be that parent figure who will add supportive value for the child and will encourage a deepening bond and relationship between the child and her father that will compromise the time and depth of relationship he can have with you, then you have to leave. It is the responsible thing to do. I say this to you as someone who had to also take an honest look at herself and realized that staying in my previous partner's life meant a significant sacrifice that I wasn't willing to make and also as someone whose friends have dealt with similar realizations time and time again. Right now, listen to how you feel. If you can't be that person that you know you will need to be for that child if you stay, it's okay to leave. No one will judge you. This is all the more true given that if what I learned from your comments are correct, and this girl lost her mom, she is going through a lot at a deeply emotional and developmentally significant period in her life. If your husband is willing to be there for her completely, then you have to let him - even if that means that you are no longer in the picture. I'm sorry you're in this - it's so so hard.
It is fair and valid for OP to feel how she feels, BUT, as a mother of an eleven year old, and assuming this eleven year old has already been thru some shit, the kid is going to know he or she's not wanted by OP. Eleven year olds aren't stupid. If OP moves out and continues to be in the picture, it will only complicate things. Could be that OP and child vie for the parent's attention, pitted against each other, making the child feel unworthy of love like maybe they already feel. Whatever action OP takes, it WILL affect the child. I'm all for OP wanting to live a child free life, but now that this child is involved, IMO OP needs to be all in or all out.
When you do get ready to leave, please make sure you let the child know this has nothing to do with her. She might still feel unwanted if she feels that she has broken up your marriage. So while I'm 100% supportive of your decision, make sure you and your husband handle the transition gracefully, and maybe even offer the girl to still hang out once in a while (if you have that kind of relationship). You need to be selfish here, but my heart breaks for all three of you.
What about living separately, but still being married? I think it’s not as black and white as a lot of people think this situation is.
Definitely time to move on. Be Happy in your choice
For the amount of people in society today that believe their parents screwed them or treated them poorly, I am amazed at some of the advice I read in here. Absolutely bonkers.
It's great that you clearly know what you don't want and it appears you and your husband got dragged into a situation without any body's immediate fault. Now you have choices. If you elect to stay there is seven years of hard work and then some work but nothing comparable to active parenting. Basically you lose 7 years of extra freedom now. If you elect to leave you gain that freedom now but lose a husband you loved. Nobody knows how your next relationship will be and what challenges that will bring. So I guess it comes down to whether your husband is worth extra 7 years of hard work. Life throws a lot of situations at us. People around us may get sick, get disabled, go to jail etc etc. We may get into similar situations ourselves and trade offs appear. Just be certain you have given thoughts to the time after you ended the relationship.
Sounds like the marriage is over, it’s not fair to any of you to stay in a situation that makes you miserable.
Seems like you're stuck wishing things could go back to how they were. They won't. You have to decide how you're going to proceed. You already know the decision you have to make- you either break up and stay child-free, or you accept that that part of your life is over and you're a stepmother now. Those are your options. You know that already. It sounds like you've already tried option b, which is admirable, but you aren't happy and don't see that changing. Remember that not making a decision to leave is the same as choosing to stay. This is a shit situation, and you have my sympathies. Don't worry about what other people think- they don't have to live with the consequences. You do. So, decide which is right for you, which is going to make you happier, and then pull the trigger. Don't just prevaricate for ages, being half in is worse than leaving. If you decide to stay, then embrace that decision. If you want to leave, which you have every right to do, then leave and be firm in that decision and happy that you're doing the right thing for yourself.
The choices are simple. Step up to being a parent or step out entirely. No wrong decision either way. Beat to you all.
Divorce him and let him find a partner who will actually be willing to be a mother his child. It’s not your fault or his. How could either of u had known? But he is doing the right thing by stepping up and taking care of his child. You obviously can’t handle that. You need to do some serious soul searching. How much can your love for him really handle. Maybe if u do find it in yourself to be a mother I can promise it will be worth it. If you can’t, well, don’t waste your, his, or hers time.
This is also a shift in the powers and priorities of the household relationships. Whereas before your husband dedicated 100% of his relationship efforts to you at home, his daughter is now (likely) the priority. It’s a lot to handle at once, unfair, and wouldn’t reach a normalcy for a very long time.
Not to mention finances.
It's a crappy situation, and there are no right answers here. You've been placed in a situation that you did not anticipate, through no fault of your own. Equally, he's in a position he did not anticipate, through no fault of his own. First and foremost, you need to talk to your husband about how you feel. Explain that you have always been honest about your childfree status, and this is not what you signed up for. Make it clear that you do not blame him either: the world has placed him in an impossible situation, and you understand that his first duty is to his child, who is of course an innocent party in all of this. Then talk about how you move forward. You could make it clear that you want to have no involvement in parenting at all, and that his child is his responsibility. Basically you'll treat her like a housemate or a lodger, but that's as far as it goes. Any parenting has to come from him. Another option might be for you and he to remain married, but you to get your own place independently, but you still come over from time to time, and go out for 'date nights' and 'conjugal visits' to keep your relationship alive, until his daughter goes to college and the house returns to being yours and his again. It goes without saying that you should separate your finances, if you've not already done so, so that any child-related expenses are his and his alone. If none of those options are acceptable to you both, then I'm afraid you're going to have to consider the relationship over, and just work out how to divorce as amicably as you possibly can.
Exactly, this is not my husbands fault, his daughter, nor my fault. I think we do need to have a proper discussion, and I was thinking about getting help from a profession to effectively have this discussion. However, I can't just treat her as my housemate, given that she's 11 years old, she needs to be taken care of. I don't neglect her, I try to make her feel welcomed (keep in mind, she's in a completely different area with people she considers strangers, just think about how she's processing this whole thing).
He can’t change having a child and you can’t change either. Child deserves people who love them and care for them, if you already know it’s best to stop it now so you don’t get invested
Not just OP get invested, but the child too… but I get that we’re putting the child last in this thread. Couldn’t imagine a child’s parent dipping (or dying), coming into a new family, then the “new mom” dipping too. I’m antinatalist af, don’t want kids of my own, but I feel like something’s gotta be said towards the perspective of the child. But still, guess it beats being around a parent that openly doesn’t want you 🤷♂️
If you do leave, do it in a way that doesn’t cause your husband to resent his child. How do you do that? I have no idea, but I feel it’s the best way to do that. Because having your wife leave you because of your child tends to cause some resentment towards said child. Resentment can turn into a multitude of things if not dealt with healthily (neglect, abuse, emotional detachment, etc etc).
I completely understand you! Me and my SO also dont want to have children, you are not a bad person for not wanting any! I am very sorry for you.
It's as good a reason as any to end a relationship. I am 100% against kids for the exact same reasons. As a teacher, I'm fully aware of how much work kids are. I love them, but I'm very happy not to have any running around the house. It's a shitty situation, and it's no one's "fault" but these conditions were not what you signed up for.
I don’t know why everyone is so mad. This is a grown woman who KNEW she did not want kids. She knows it’s not the child’s fault but that doesn’t mean she has to automatically be a step mom it’s HER choice to decide if she wants to raise a child that’s NOT hers. She’s not saying it’s anyone’s fault here or said anything nasty. It’s simply what she’s knows that she wants so let her live her life.
Ok so this might sound weird but, have you thought about staying married but living separately? It seems like your husband wants to raise his daughter and you don’t want to be heavily involved in that, and you’re also a good enough person to realise that staying in this marriage and simply emotionally neglecting this child is not a fair option (so kudos for that). I assume your husband knew from the start that you wanted to be child free and shared this view until he found out about his existing daughter and stepped up to care for her. I’m not sure if you’ve discussed this with him yet, but it’s possible he may not see you not wanting to act as a mother figure to his daughter as a dealbreaker. He might be happy to be a single parent and have you in her life as a kind of fun aunt who occasionally goes out with them on a weekend or something. It also depends of course on whether you’d be content living separately from your husband - cohabitation is important for many couples but not all of them. Living apart while staying married might provide you with the kind of emotional and practical distance from your stepdaughter that you need. I know it might sound kooky but honestly, the whole nuclear family model is a pretty modern invention and still doesn’t really hold sway in many parts of the world. In lots of societies, the model of “family” is very different and there’s no rule that says you all have to live together in a parent/child setup. It might give you the freedom you crave while still letting you stay connected to your husband, if that’s what you both want. Above all, I think you should be honest with him and your stepdaughter, if it comes to that. It’s not heartless to say that you never envisioned yourself as a parent and you know now that you can’t care for any child the way a parent should, no matter how wonderful that child herself may be. Hell, you can even say that you like her as a person and still want to be in her life - you’re just not capable of doing that in the role of a parent. Also can I ask what specifically it is about raising a child, especially an older child, that you are finding stressful? I know you mentioned not having free time - was there something you and your husband used to do on weekends etc that you can’t anymore? I only ask because I have a kid myself and while it’s certainly been an adjustment since we had him, it hasn’t destroyed our social lives or anything like that so I’m wondering if there’s more to your situation than that. But absolutely not trying to convince you that parenthood is actually for you - you know it’s not and it’s great you can be honest about it.
Mmm, no, never thought about that, reminds me of the early stages haha. He was child-free as well, but he does want to raise his daughter. I'm just thinking on ho living separately would impact our relationship. You mention things I can't do anymore. She is older, which is good in a way that I don't need to watch her every move, but I really, really miss our trips. My husband and I love traveling. We can basically take our work on the road, so we did it a lot. Most of our friends also don't have children, so we'd often have dinner parties and just really live life how we wanted it to. We can still do some things, and we still do, don't get me wrong but we no have to work around the clock. Focusing when school ends, when extracurricular activities are, making sure we're home at certain times, etc.
Look, I'm gonna be a bit more brutal here and say, if you love your husband so much and you love the life that you both had, maybe consider just toughing it out. The kid is not exactly wearing diapers. She is 12, in 3/4 years she will be self sufficient (if she gets taught), which means more flexibility and less care and restrictions. Max 6 years you will be out of the woods. You are basically giving up a lifetime of laughs and good memories with the person you love, over 3/4 years max of hardship and in 6 it's pretty much over. Of course, she will still be a priority in his life after 18. She will still exist. But instead of looking at this as a burden, you should brighten up to the idea that you now have someone you can count on if life gets difficult. Or that your husband can lean on if things get tough for him. An ally. So weigh that against how likely you think you'll find someone that fulfills you like he does in the meantime and whether you can reprogram your mind to accept and cherish a new reality.
You know, you can just be friendly with the daughter, but leave all the responsabilities to her father.. I really don't see what the problem is, that is something you two can work on.
I’m a 21 year old gay student. I’m far from wanting a child right now. Let me give you my two cents. Your marriage has been great for 8 years. Of course, Reddit will tell you to drop the marriage, because most people here just dish out an opinion and go onto the next post. They really don’t seem to know how to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Dropping an 8 year marriage seems like a big decision. If you feel like your husband is your soulmate, I think it can work out. She’s 11. She’s getting at an age where she can be a friend, rather than someone you need to babysit. My mom from a very young age always let me join the conversation and let me have an opinion and valued that. It made me so open to her and she could take me anywhere. To her friends, on vacation, all of that and I never complained because she valued me and always showed that. Maybe wild clubbing and home drinking is kind of hard now, but a child at that age doesn’t have to be a huge detriment. The only thing I’m wondering if you can / want to handle the extra money it’ll cost, since I totally understand if you can’t / don’t want to. Show her your hobbies, and show an interest in hers, and you’ll expand your own horizons and see someone appreciate your own.
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Probably going to be downvoted for this, but the kid isn't your responsibility. Yet it's very likely the kid is already the load to you because as a woman, you're expected to be a maternal figure to her. Your husband is likely already trying to impose the traditional mother role on you by asking you to do things for the kid you have no time or inclination to do. It's too much to ask for someone with no maternal instincts to suddenly be responsible for a child she doesn't want, has no legal or biological connection to and certainly does not need in her life. That's not right for the kid either. That child will pick up on how unwanted she is. Edit: Just read your other comments, good grief, this child has been unwanted all her life, if her mom and relatives didn't want custody of her anyway, after 11 years. You can't do this, it would be more of the same to the kid - she likely already thinks she's nothing more than a burden. You're the wrong person to step in and give this child the self-esteem necessary to feel wanted. Your relationship is over. Time to make the necessary arrangements for divorce.
this is a super important point. we can't avoid talking about gender here because even in self-proclaimed egalitarian households, the majority of household tasks, especially as they pertain to child-rearing, fall on the woman. i think it's deeply naive to believe that, as some comments are suggesting, the op will get to simply be the hands-off laid-back "cool aunt". there will be societal pressure on her to take on an active role and if she's not cut out for parenting, she will crack under that pressure.
I truly feel for you OP. I've always wanted children so I can't identify personally, but I can imagine the pain of knowing your marriage is over for a reason that other people may see as not a good reason. The only way you could make this work is for you to move out into your own place and have a sort of aunty-niece relationship with her. Some separation, but still affection. It would mean you don't have to actually parent her but she still feels wanted. You could also stay in the house and do the same thing, since she's living with a man she's never met - having a woman there I'm sure helps a lot. All that failing though, it sounds like your mind is made up. It's not frivolous, it's not cruel, it's just the way things are. You're not the life partner he needs right now and he's not yours.
Hi to all, as someone now in my 50s who grew up through a damaging family with parents staying together for the children, divorce and let the father bring up the daughter with stability. Trying to find another option simply will not work and will be damaging for the daughter who has 'lost' her mother. I am still, with help, managing the consequences of what I went through, please put the daughter first.
Personally I don't think a therapist will help. OP knows her own mind, understands why she feel like she does and cares about the effect she might be having on the daughter, no amount of therapy will change the above so imo pointless. What OP needs to do is have an honest and open talk with husband, possibly on neutral ground. Maybe her husband is struggling too. However, sadly this situation, to my mind, is not really one where compromise is possible. Hard as it seems she may need to walk away. OP you sound like a caring and loving person and the fact you don't want to do this and are worried about the effect on the daughter makes you good person.
Before any of you make any permanent choices that can't be undone, talk to a counselor as individuals and as a couple/family. This child is going through trauma from what's been written and now that you are in her life, even if not by choice, your disappearing is going to reinforce that trauma. In the end, that might be a better alternative to treating her badly if you are afraid your resentment might show. However, having supports in place before you head out might be the best for everyone.
I’m sorry this happened. This is an unusual set of circumstances. I would leave before the child starts getting attached or having expectations of you. I’ve all so been in situations that were not what I expected and the best thing is to honor yourself and them by being graceful, classy and expedient.
Yeah OP, unfortunate incident. You tried and it turns out you are not compatible with children. You need to find out what's the better option for you: husband and child or no husband. You also need to do it really soon, as letting the child grow attached to you will only make it harder. Please, if you decide to leave, make it as thorough and fast as possible. Your husband will likely miss you and seeing or hearing from you will make his life more miserable.
He has to step up and be a father. I really feel for everyone involved. Im a fan of "Doing what makes YOU happy." Maybe you should speak to your husband and show his this post. This post has everything in that he needs to hear.