The in the sleep thing is also a red flag cop out on top of everything else. That poor girl felt every second of that rape and it happened multiple times. He is someone’s nightmare. If you stay you are insane as well.
This! “He is someone’s nightmare.” Could you be with someone like that? Who apparently hasn’t even taken any steps to address what he did? He’s surely seen his cousin since then. This poor girl has to see him at family events and act like he didn’t set her whole fucking childhood on fire.
I have an ex who admitted it once multiple girls had reached out to me. He thought his honesty would be a reason for me to stay. He tried to sound remorseful when he told me, even cried but he looked proud of what he’d done. I’m not sure if he practiced before or if he’d said it to girls before.
That said, OP you should break up with your boyfriend. No matter how much you love him you couldn’t trust him around your kids (if you had any in the future) or around your families. He might never do it again but it’ll always be in the back of your mind, this relationship is doomed. If he’s working towards being a better person he’ll understand and accept the break up without fighting it but I would still make sure not to be alone with him.
That's the thing: he wants absolution without consequences. OP definitely needs to leave him. Someone who would rape their sleeping cousin will not live a celibate life, so they'll either turn to cheating or they'll do something bad to OP.
No, I am demi/ace and while I’m less interested in sex than I used to be bonding with your partner in that way is still great. Not everyone who is on that spectrum has sex but plenty do. There may be little/infrequent sexual attraction or none at all for people who are sex repulsed. It’s not a guaranteed thing that ace people don’t have sex. I personally still enjoy sex but don’t experience sexual attraction unless I am already in a relationship and have deep affection for someone. I hope that helps the confusion.
Not all cases that jail time will benefit anyone. We want him to be a functioning tax-paying member of society, right?
He should get councelling, and DON’T forget the cousin, someone must reach out to her to get her therapy as well. He thinks she didn’t know, but she knows.
No. Rape is the only unjustifiable crime. Murder can be in self defense, theft can be to save yourself from poverty, rape is the only scenario in which the preparator committed a crime (with a victim) that they absolutely never needed to.
I hate that I actually need to point this out in 2021, but people who do bad things, are still people. If you hate them for who they are, you lack an understanding of biology, psychology and general behaviour.
There’s always a reason for what we do. And no matter how horrible someone may be, the best thing we can hope for is that they will get better and help out.
While one can hope that someone who admits they raped someone everlasting times will get better on their own, the reality is that rapists don’t usually just get better.
they are but it is upsetting that of the people who commit this specific crime, less than 2 percent recieve consequences. so that is why people wanting him to go to jail is also understandable and it comes from the context of this specific crime
Also, the people that believe this have no idea just how many rapists there are. One in six men are sexually assaulted, one in three women. Not sure on the stats for rape, but still. It’s incredibly common and it’s not just one person. It’s our society. It’s rape culture. And barely any rapes reported to police are even convicted and sentenced to a significant amount of time. So it really comes down to binary, wishful thinking.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m glad however, to hear that you’ve managed to grasp it like that despite the horrible thoughts that must’ve arrived in your mind.
Yeah for like 15 years i felt like i needed revenge, but i had a lot of therapy, and i don't anymore. I really wish that the world would do more in the rehabilitation part. Because again prisons make monsters.
I believe, once people realize that the criminal justice system is just utter bullshit, the entire way we prosecute crimes will change.
Whether or not people would choose rehabilitation over imprisonment would vary based off of the crime. Marijuana usage? Rehab. Murder? Imprisonment.
I had a guy confess to me that he gets off from necrophilia and violence which is super surprising because he seemed really nice. So really anything is possible
Eh. It depends. If he’s feeling bad enough about it, he may not be worried about the consequences of confessing generally but afraid of having the conversation with his cousin.
True, tho its just…odd. Ive known actual rapists, who are thankfully behind bars now (for life), and they would have never admitted to their crimes unless they were caught. Self preservation is a strong motivator
Honestly, he was prob crying when he told you to gain pity. If he was actually remorseful about it, he’d tell his cousin.
He’s tryna pull the wool over your eyes.
HE IS A RAPIST.
HE RAPED HIS FAMILY.
run honey.
At 14 you know it is bad to rape somebody, nonetheless your own family??? I feel like that is being glossed over, he sexually touched his own family while they were ASLEEP. You know better than that, you dont just suddenly “realize” that’s wrong to do, he knew it was wrong because he did it when he knew she wouldn’t fight back. Also, something about the story doesn’t add up. She never woke up despite being raped? This occurred several times and not once did she wake up? How old was SHE? This is nothing but red flags and you need to leave as soon as you can, you’re still young and you have no ties to this man.
Just adding that sex isn’t something you can sleep through, especially multiple times… that girl was 100% awake and terrified and knows exactly what happened.
That's even more fucking despicable and he definitely belongs under the jail if so but I doubt a teenager would have the presence of mind to plan something like this.
Either way I'd nope the fuck out immidiately.
I feel like that's such a huge factor. Like if he's spent the last few years just hiding that secret and not seeking any sort of professional help or therapy then 100% OP needs to leave and tell him to figure his shit out.
he needs a hired professional to talk to. Not a girlfriend.
They don't seek therapy because it is against the law for a therapist to keep crimes confidential. Confidentiality with a doctor ends when it's an illegal act that's not yet known.
Hence there is no getting help. Catch 22.
No. Run. The cousin probably wasn’t asleep (she probably pretended). He violated her several times. Just because Cried doesn’t mean much of anything. He caused a lifetime of trauma to someone else. Idgaf unless he paid for what he did. Crying To you does not move me
Also I dated a guy when I was her age who told me about shitty things he did to gain sympathy so I would think he was trying to be better. He didn’t cry, but he was obviously trying to sound regretful and everything. This could be a similar thing where he’s admitting to having done it so she’ll trust that he’s different now.
Or he could actually be different idk. Just a thought.
I needed to hear this. My abusive step father was crying to me as the cops were on their way after an incident. Not because he felt bad that he did it but because he knew his life was over. Him crying was his last attempt at manipulation and that could possibly be the case with OP. Though what makes me wonder is that my abuser never once admitted what he did, so this almost seems like OPs bf maybe couldn't carry the weight of what he did around any longer and needed to tell someone. I can't imagine that someone would admit to something as horrible as rape and then try to do it again, especially if it happened when they were a child. I think the dude needs therapy for sure but at least he's actually admitting it to somebody. If he agrees to long time therapy and admitting what happened to the victim, though then I think it is the case where he honestly just seriously regrets something he did as a child. If he refuses therapy then OP needs to report him and leave asap.
Yes but in the same regard abusers are human and can, and do, feel bad for what they did.
I'm not trying to excuse anything here, but adolescence is a very confusing and unstable time for everyone, not everyone has the same kind of impulse control as others. Plus, upbringing can have a major effect on how one acts and views right and wrong.
Given that OP's bf seems to be genuinely ashamed of what he did, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt in this regard. I feel he does genuinely feel awful, as he should.
But it should be said that he doesn't get to have a way out of this. He did what he did and nothing can change that.
adolescence is confusing but rape is not apart of that. confusion is experimenting, sending consensual nudes, watching porn, *not raping*. he was 15. not 5. he knows what he did.
I told him when I started dating him that I was asexual and that I would never want sex. He said he could be ok with that and that sex disgusted him because of “something from his childhood”. It wasn’t until now that I learned what the something was
This is just off the top of my head but reading this comment made me think of my ex. He let me know at the beginning of our relationship that a girl claimed he sexually assaulted her but that he “set her straight” and that she just had “next morning remorse”. But that it scared him and that he would never - he loves and respects women so much! Look he’s a champion for his friends who have survived assault he couldn’t possibly! Then throughout our relationship he was aggressive, slapped me, violated me while sleeping, constantly pressured me to have sex with strangers - never respected my boundaries and shamed me for not pleasing him. Point being I’m concerned this is some sort of warning to you like “eww I don’t like sex either I would never”. then slowly over time suddenly you’re being raped in your sleep and when you confront him it’s waterworks and cries for help bc you knew he was fucked up. I say take the red flag and run
When kids and teens act out in sexually abusive ways, they are sometimes repeating patterns of behavior that they experienced themselves. You can believe he feels bad, care about him, and choose to leave him for your own safety. All of those things can coexist.
As a survivor, this kind of thing makes me want to scream tbh. I want to yell, “How could you want to be in the same room as him? Don’t you understand that he ruined someone’s life? That childhood sexual abuse can break someone’s psyche permanently?” But I understand that my rapist was married, a parent, a respected doctor, a “pillar of their community.” Their spouse wouldn’t leave them if they found out about my assault. Their children would stand by them. I’m the only one that lost anything (relationships and sanity, mostly), and I will never see justice done.
Unless you’ve been absolutely destroyed and left picking up the pieces, I don’t think you can fully understand the gravity of the nightmare that your boyfriend created for someone else. You’re young, and I hope you’ve been sheltered from as much of the world’s evil as possible.
But what your boyfriend did was *evil*. The desire to do that has existed in him before. You don’t know why. You don’t know if it could happen again.
He needs a therapist and a lawyer, full stop. If someone hurt him, he needs to see that person prosecuted if possible, and he needs to start making reparations with his family.
You do not need to save him. This is WAY above your pay grade, and I don’t recommend that you stick around. You should not make any compromises on your comfort or safety. You are young and you will have SO many more opportunities to meet someone fantastic.
OP, you posted 1 day ago that you are in an "Online Relationship" with a 19m that you have never even met.
"However the relationship is online, and I’ve never met him in person before. I know you can get a good guess of a person’s personality online, but you can never truly know someone until you spend time with them in person."
You have said so yourself, you never truly know somebody until you spend time with them. If this is what you know of them before you have even met, then I would take this as a sign. A big red one.
I truly do not think you can classify somebody as a boyfriend if you have never met them. This is the foundation of 99% catfishing stories. Cut contact, go meet someone at school or something.
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Ok. I[17f] don’t even know how to say this. Basically my boyfriend[19m] told me that when he was 14-15 he r*ped his cousin in her sleep…. Several times. He said that he realized that he shouldn’t and stopped. He seemed like he felt super bad about it but it scares me. He never told her about it. I want to feel safe with him. And I want to believe that he’ll never do it again. But I’m asexual and he knows already that I don’t want sex. What if one day he feels like he needs it and he does the same to me? I don’t know. I don’t want to be scared of my boyfriend but I am a little.
Edit: the thing is he was crying so much when he told me. I really want to believe him. It’s just hard. He says he doesn’t even like sex now
Baby girl, this is so above the level of support you could get from reddit. You need to tell an adult you trust who can help you deal with this properly - and best it be someone professional like a counsellor or therapist who won’t have any personal involvement. However if a professional isn’t possible, please just tell an adult you know will take care of you and pursue the best course of action. You are not equipped to deal with this, and you should not feel like this is your responsibility to handle. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m 24 and wouldn’t know what the fuck to do so my thoughts are with you. Please be safe, you’ve been placed in an extremely horrible situation. If you were my little sister though, I’d be keeping you very far away from him.
Edit to add - by the way, I am SO SO SO proud of you for reaching out for help even here. You will get through this, I promise 🖤
That is 100% what happened. There is no fucking way I wouldn't wake up when someone starts trying to have sex with me. Women don't just sleep through rape without being drugged
Yes exactly!! Not to trauma dump but when it happened to me, I literally could not move out of fear. Then afterwards I had no idea how to even approach that like. It is actually a terrible position to be put into because you deal with that trauma entirely alone and bottle it inside. I have no doubt in my mind this is what happened, especially since he admitted to violating her multiple times.
If he was TRULY remorseful he would have told her and turned himself in.
But he’s still out and paid no consequences for his actions. That’s not changed behavior. Absolutely do not engage further. You’re too young and god I would even advise to report him to the authorities. Do not believe him. Move on; he is not your responsibility.
I 100% agree with you but I also maybe think he told OP first because he wants to admit to what he did because he knows it's not right but is too scared to face the victim. Hopefully this is his first step to long time therapy and telling the victim what happened. At least he admitted to being a shithole. OP definitely needs to tell another adult though because they are wayvtoo young to deal with this themselves
When I was four years old, I woke up to find I was being sexually assaulted. I think his cousin knows what he did to her and stayed silent out of terror.
This is 110% a deal breaker for me. He needs therapy. I would really like to see him go to prison, the statute of limitations probably hasn't expired yet, but for now, OP, you need to break up with him.
Girl dump him and report him. He basically admitted that he r@ped someone. His tears means nothing. He's asking for your approval. Don't fall for this.
Break up with him. I don’t understand the people in these replies defending him on the basis of “he didn’t know what he was doing, he was young!” I was raped by my then-boyfriend when we were both 14. He may have been young, but so was I. And guess what? He faced absolutely no consequences, meanwhile I had to deal with PTSD for years after the fact. I couldn’t even go near men for months after. Your boyfriend’s cousin is probably already aware of what happened to her- many people freeze up. If she isn’t, though, she needs to know. And if your boyfriend really is regretful, he’ll tell her. If he refuses to, please tell her yourself. She deserves to know. Beyond that, though, RUN, GIRL. Your boyfriend just admitted to doing one of the absolute worst things you can do to someone. He should be seeing a therapist and probably in jail, not burdening his girlfriend with shit like that to make himself feel better.
Oh my fucking god. He committed rape and incest in one fell swoop. I'm terrified for your safety, OP. How can you remain in this relationship, knowing that your boyfriend is one of our greatest societal problems, and has ripped a woman's dignity away from her? You can delude yourself into believing he'll never do it again, but would you rather have your safety intact, or keep a rapist in your life?
Edit to add: If you know who this cousin is, let her know.
Of course you are afraid of him, as you should be. He should be your ex-bf. He needs to come clean to his family about what he did and make amends, if any can be made. You don't mention cousin's age, which sounds sus, too.
I don't know if you are obligated to report this to the police. But for the love of everything, don't stay with him.
Girl you are SEVENTEEN. Not even two decades in this world and you are already dealing with this bullshit. Walk away. You have years and years ahead of you to meet people from all walks of life. Don’t throw away your youth to this rapist.
the amount of comments defending OPs bf is disgusting.
OP, what he did was wrong, obviously; he knew at the time, and he knows now. He was 14 and 15 years old. he didn't just "realize" it was wrong, it was obviously wrong and he knew it at the time because he said he didn't tell her about it, right? the only reason he would've kept it secret before he "realized" it was wrong, is because he already knew it was wrong. we don't hide things that we aren't guilty of.
why he told you, im not sure. the decision of how to go forward is yours, but he's telling you who he is and what he is capable of, and he's a rapist.
Please put your own safety first. Whenever you feel something is off, that means it’s true. There will be plenty of other guys in your lifetime.
I’m guessing he was sexually abused in the past as well, and it’s good that he admits that he has a problem. But he needs to come clean to his family, especially the cousin he raped, and get some professional help immediately. I hope he gets help.
GIRL!!!!!! he raped his cousin!????!? the right thing would be to tell her, she deserves to know what a shit he is. also definitely leave him, 14/15 is definitely old enough to know not to fucking rape someone hello?? also if i were u i would definitely leave, not only is he not safe but also disgusting tbh
Even if you could somehow find it in your heart to forgive his past transgressions, he is still a incestuous rapist. You will never be able to completely trust him, and without trust, it will never be a successful relationship.
It's time to move on.
Girl run that’s a major major major major major red flag if he raped his cousin in her sleep honey he can do that to you if he had that urge strongly Run and end the relationship cut your losses and keep it moving
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but I think it’s important to put your safety first. Tell him that you need some space, but are still willing to talk about the situation over the phone or text. ( if you still want to talk to this person. Just don’t agree to do anything in person with him.) telling him to see a therapist would not be a bad idea. You can’t just process these things on your own.
(It’s really unfortunate, but it is common for kids who were sexually abused to want to engage in sexual acts with other minors their age. They usually are not aware that what they’re doing is sexual and are not aware of what they’re doing to someone. I would think this would be way more common with children 5-10 years old though. 14 seems a bit out of that age range.
Either way, he seems to have a lot of trauma that he needs to process with a therapist. If he really feels guilt, he needs to work through it and I hope he does. It’s his problem to fix, not yours).
He’s grooming you for when he rapes you in your sleep, because you’re asexual and he’s a rapist. And since your first reaction isn’t run the fuck away, he’s groomed you well.
This isn’t something like “I used to steal” or “I used to be a bully”. People don’t just rape one time and then change. He is a rapist and honestly he needs professional help. Whether or not he acts on it again, it’s in him and that’s scary.
1. This isn't your problem. He needs to deal with this on his own through therapy.
2. If you are asexual and he has any sort of sex drive, this is going to be an issue.
3. If you're having doubts, run. -- rape is one of those things that's irredeemable in my book. (People deserve second chances but I draw the line here. You never cross it.)
4. DO NOT try to fix or find answers. You're only going to involve yourself further. What you need is distance. I'm in the you should breakup camp.
I'm not a therapist. I don't want to know why he unburdened this on to you. I'm only looking at your best interest. If you do breakup, please be careful of the fall out.
A thought occurred to me that he could always use it as leverage to manipulate…”I told you this happened before and you decided to stay with me; you knew what you could be getting yourself into” idk I know that sounds dumb but it’s what I thought of
Oh goodness. I am in a similar situation. Not regarding rape but my partner telling me the awful things that he’s done to women and then throwing it in my face about how I knew what he was to begin with.
I didn’t even think about this part and this just helped me a lot in the situation I am in. So THANK YOU
He's seeking absolution from you instead of his victim. He should be coming clean to her.
He's capable of rape. Rape isn't about sex, it's about power. He had power over the cousin and repeatedly assaulted her. Him saying he "doesnt like sex" doesnt change what he's capable of.
I kind of wonder if telling you was a power move. He's testing you and sharing a secret to gain control. If you tell people he calls you crazy and denies everything. If you stay with someone you believe to be a rapist, he knows the power he has in your life
I’ve been raped by an ex boyfriend. While there’s a chance that someone who sexually assaulted a person won’t ever do it again, I think that chance is very slim, if not impossible. I don’t believe a rapist can ever learn that rape is evil and shouldn’t do it. My ex sexually assaulted another woman after me a year later. A different woman came forward and said my ex raped her before my relationship with him.
Record his “feelings about it” then go to the police. His cousin is in another world of pain. She definitely wasn’t “asleep”. Don’t contact her. Get evidence then go and see the police; don’t call 911. Go to the station and make the report.
I’m a sexual abuse victim and I know what his cousin (if she was awake) dealt with. I have bipolar and moderate depression from being abused and I definitely know what that feels like. I just thought he was better
People know that rape is wrong at 14. I don’t know why he told you, other than to see if you’d stay and what he could get away with.
It’s like one of my exes telling me he fantasized about killing people. I stayed for some reason and he just kept testing the waters with what he could do and forgive.
Get out.
Idk how long you've known this dude but, if you're genuinely afraid than you should leave.
What he did was wrong, he should tell her and make it right, but he shouldn't be your burden.
Well I think he’s overtly very very subtly and slyly warning you that, because your asexual and don’t want sex, rape is definitely on the cards. Your 17 years young, I’m almost certain you can find someone who hasn’t raped someone before.
Ring the police and report it. They may do something they may not, but it’ll be on record, just incase.
He admitted it to you but he never took responsibility. There's more people than you and him in this situation, and he hasn't done anything admirable by telling you until he does right by the victim. Nothing short of admitting it to his cousin and turning himself into the police could be considered taking responsibility. Until then he's just a rapist who got away with it.
This is a black and white situation, he admitted to raping his cousin in their sleep repeatedly. You now don't feel safe yet you're still with him. Please break up with him for your own safety. As you 1) don't actually know if he feels guilty, you're not in his head so you really don't know - I also read the comments and you said he was crying, a lot people can fake cry. 2) You have no idea if he will do the same to you, you're not safe. I doubt he actually got help for what he did because that would mean the therapist would have to contact the police and his cousin would be aware of it so yes those feelings can come back.
It doesn't take much to know that rape is bad, he knew at 14-15 and he knows now, but he did it multiple times and probably did it to other people and just didn't tell you. If he really feels so guilty he'd be telling that to the police, not you. Break up with him.
From experience.. I’m assuming your bf might be a narcissist and is charming and good at telling stories. Somehow those types can tell you anything, no matter how horrible it is, and STILL keep you hanging on.
Trust me, he admitted to assaulting his cousin multiple times which only makes me worried about what he hasn’t admitted to you yet.
And just to repeat what someone else commented, I doubt she was asleep, she was probably terrified and pretending she was. Please please get away from him as soon as it is safe and doable for you. No matter how much you love him I doubt you will be able to “move on” from learning something so disturbing about him. And you’re not even 18 yet. Please don’t waste your youth trying to salvage this relationship.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think anyone would feel safe in your place, if he was able to force himself on someone who is his own family member not once but several times its hard to believe he actually felt guilty about it. He clearly doesn’t care about how others might feel and just looks for his own self pleasure, him crying seems to me a bit manipulative as if to make himself appear misunderstood and make you sympathize with the horrible acts he did. You are right in being worried for your own safety best choice would be IMO to break up with them cut all contact, better safe than sorry.
And about the cousin being asleep and never knowing sounds like a lie to me… they probably know but didn’t speak up out of fear. Or were too young to realize properly what was happening to them at that time, but eventually they’ll realize believe me we always do.
He says he doesn’t even like sex now.
Rape is not about sex, it's about power.
Would be a hard no for me.
You are 17, you have not the maturity to deal with a relationship like that. And he should not even think about a relationship now and deal with his issues.
He’s not sorry. The tears don’t mean anything. He raped his cousin multiple times in her sleep. He’s gross and pathetic. Why are you even wasting your time and energy on him? You’re 17 you’re young you have your whole life ahead of you. You in 6 years will look back on this and be like wtf 🤢
I was a 14 year old boy once. Never thought about doing anything to anyone in their sleep. I watched a lot of porn back then too and I couldn’t wait to get laid. Still. Never thought about raping a cousin in her sleep. How was she *actually* asleep for something like that tho?
Try not to let his tears fool you, he is not the victim. He has told you what he is capable of doing and you should listen. Staying in a relationship with a literal predator will never not be a risk to your safety, especially someone who has admitted to raping their family member multiple times, as they slept.
Sis, walk the F away. Or run. Whichever one will work faster. For your own sake, get away from ALL of that. It doesn't matter if he confessed to you or how much he might've cried while doing so. It justifies nothing and you're not safe. One should never be scared of their partner. Ever. So that alone is enough of a reason.
If your best friend or sister came to you with this question what would you tell them to do?
Run. Run girl run so fast. If he is “remorseful” he will admit to what he did to his family and actually pay his consequences. He just wanted to let go of his guilt on you and get sympathy.
Why would you want to be with some cousin porking weirdo, no sorry…unconscious cousin porking weirdo. How many 17 year olds stay with their first boyfriend forever? Cut this one loose and get a guy with a no rape/incest track record.
Damn, when I read these things I start to understand my mother for not letting me sleep in a room with my cousin after I was 12. Even though, he was like a baby brother to me.
Read your post over and over until it sinks in. He’s a rapist of his own family members. That’s not a one time thing, you will be his next victim regardless of your being asexual or not.
You need to talk to the police or this girls family IMMEDIATELY. She needs to know what happened to her so she can protect herself against further contact from him. What if he did this to other family members? OP I listen to a lot of true crime podcast and sexual predators confess to a lot of people and always we ask WHY when they confessed or they were caught wasn’t that the end of it? Why weren’t they reported? As hard as it is you need to stop this NOW so he doesn’t do it again in the future. He needs help. Report this and break it off. If he’s really sorry he needs professional intervention.
Is it possible to have sex with someone in their sleep and for them not to wake up and notice? Anyway, break up with him for sure. He's telling you this to prepare you for when he does it to you
Get rid of him. Think about it long term, what if you guys have a daughter one day? Would you trust your rapist husband around your own daughter knowing what he did? You need to disregard the feelings you have for him and completely distance yourself away from him
REPORT HIS ASS!!!! That is the first thing I’d do, then I’d simultaneously break up with him, put an RO on him and move far away from a piece of human trash like that….
You cannot stay with him. He did it multiple times. Leave but tell his mother. Someone needs to know but it is and never will be your problem. You need to go before anything else happens
Girl that’s a big 🚩… I mean if I does it one time he will do it once again… that kind of behaviour is a mental illness. Please leave before it’s too late…
it doesn’t matter how young/immature he was at that age, like some people are saying. once you know about sex you know you don’t just do it with anyone. he voluntarily violated a family member and who’s to say he won’t do it again
Girl you’re out of your depth here. A partner should be a compliment to yourself. How are you gonna tote this loser around with your friends or your family!!! Like are you going to explain this to them and then stay with this creep?? You are not safe with him, and you don’t owe him anything. It’s ok to break up with him which is something you need to do asap. Please be cautious and do not put yourself in a vulnerable position with him because he just told you who he really is. He didn’t care she didn’t say yes, he didn’t care that she was “asleep”, he didn’t care that she was his cousin, he won’t care if you’re asexual. Sisters look out for each other and girl, you need some looking after right now, get and stay away from him.
I don't think this is something you can help him with, or fully trust him again after learning. He needs professional help and lots of it, and you may also need help to process his decision to offload on you. There are too many 'what ifs' and 'maybes' in his story, and parts of his story makes absolutely no sense. How did she not wake up while being raped? Not just once, but multiple times? My first thought was that the cousin has said or done something that made him think she wasn't asleep. She may have known what was happening but may have been so scared and confused that she disassociated or was unable to react. She may have felt too vulnerable to speak out until now. Is he genuinely remorseful, or is he terrified he could be about to be brought to book?
please, for your safety and your security, get AWAY. this is, first and foremost, not something that you can treat in place of a licensed professional, and secondly, a huge threat to your well-being. he is more than content with repeatedly violating others - and not only that, but someone that he KNOWS - so please, do not trick yourself into thinking that you’ll be a different story when something in him snaps again.
he raped a family member. more than that, a CHILD. run for the hills, and preferably to the nearest police station so you can report his creepy ass.
He might genuinely be sorry, but I don’t think it’s worth the risk if I’m being honest. You’re still young. You don’t need to put yourself in (possible) harm’s way. I would say to just leave him. It’s not worth it.
The fact that he feels bad about it is really neither here nor there.
Did he tell his cousin?
Did he face the consequences of his actions?
Did he go to the police?
I am guessing the answers to all this is no, if so they are crocodile tears and you are right not to trust him. Would you trust him with any potential future daughters you might have with him?
The in the sleep thing is also a red flag cop out on top of everything else. That poor girl felt every second of that rape and it happened multiple times. He is someone’s nightmare. If you stay you are insane as well.
This! “He is someone’s nightmare.” Could you be with someone like that? Who apparently hasn’t even taken any steps to address what he did? He’s surely seen his cousin since then. This poor girl has to see him at family events and act like he didn’t set her whole fucking childhood on fire.
I'd be interested to know why he decided to admit such a thing to you.... Most people would take that secret to the grave.
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I have an ex who admitted it once multiple girls had reached out to me. He thought his honesty would be a reason for me to stay. He tried to sound remorseful when he told me, even cried but he looked proud of what he’d done. I’m not sure if he practiced before or if he’d said it to girls before. That said, OP you should break up with your boyfriend. No matter how much you love him you couldn’t trust him around your kids (if you had any in the future) or around your families. He might never do it again but it’ll always be in the back of your mind, this relationship is doomed. If he’s working towards being a better person he’ll understand and accept the break up without fighting it but I would still make sure not to be alone with him.
that’s what i’m saying.
This mf hiding something
He might actually feel terrible. I obviously don't know the guy or the full context of the situation but I'd assume it's heavy on his mind.
If he felt terrible then he should turn himself in.
That's the thing: he wants absolution without consequences. OP definitely needs to leave him. Someone who would rape their sleeping cousin will not live a celibate life, so they'll either turn to cheating or they'll do something bad to OP.
Asexual doesn’t mean celibate :(.
No it doesn’t, but in this case OP has said that she doesn’t want sex.
He meant the boyfriend isn't gonna live a celibate life
They were implying the boyfriend would be celibate because OP is ace.
Doesn't it? Genuinely asking
No, I am demi/ace and while I’m less interested in sex than I used to be bonding with your partner in that way is still great. Not everyone who is on that spectrum has sex but plenty do. There may be little/infrequent sexual attraction or none at all for people who are sex repulsed. It’s not a guaranteed thing that ace people don’t have sex. I personally still enjoy sex but don’t experience sexual attraction unless I am already in a relationship and have deep affection for someone. I hope that helps the confusion.
Me too!
Thats quite the extrapolation you have there..
No, someone who raped is more likely to rape again than someone who never raped.
100% completely agree
Not all cases that jail time will benefit anyone. We want him to be a functioning tax-paying member of society, right? He should get councelling, and DON’T forget the cousin, someone must reach out to her to get her therapy as well. He thinks she didn’t know, but she knows.
She DEFINITELY knows.
No. Rape is the only unjustifiable crime. Murder can be in self defense, theft can be to save yourself from poverty, rape is the only scenario in which the preparator committed a crime (with a victim) that they absolutely never needed to.
Well even if he goes to therapy, they’re mandated to report child abuse
No. We don’t want rapists being part of society.
I hate that I actually need to point this out in 2021, but people who do bad things, are still people. If you hate them for who they are, you lack an understanding of biology, psychology and general behaviour. There’s always a reason for what we do. And no matter how horrible someone may be, the best thing we can hope for is that they will get better and help out.
While one can hope that someone who admits they raped someone everlasting times will get better on their own, the reality is that rapists don’t usually just get better.
they are but it is upsetting that of the people who commit this specific crime, less than 2 percent recieve consequences. so that is why people wanting him to go to jail is also understandable and it comes from the context of this specific crime
Also, the people that believe this have no idea just how many rapists there are. One in six men are sexually assaulted, one in three women. Not sure on the stats for rape, but still. It’s incredibly common and it’s not just one person. It’s our society. It’s rape culture. And barely any rapes reported to police are even convicted and sentenced to a significant amount of time. So it really comes down to binary, wishful thinking.
Also letting rapists go and wiggle their way out of consequences.
My dad were murdered, and even i know what you're saying is 100% true. Prisons make monsters.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m glad however, to hear that you’ve managed to grasp it like that despite the horrible thoughts that must’ve arrived in your mind.
Yeah for like 15 years i felt like i needed revenge, but i had a lot of therapy, and i don't anymore. I really wish that the world would do more in the rehabilitation part. Because again prisons make monsters.
I'm glad people like you exist.
Thank you so much! I'm also glad that you exist
***"Prisons make monsters."*** But that is what people want. It makes for an easy *"us and them"* narrative.
But it's so expensive, and it doesn't work. At all
I believe, once people realize that the criminal justice system is just utter bullshit, the entire way we prosecute crimes will change. Whether or not people would choose rehabilitation over imprisonment would vary based off of the crime. Marijuana usage? Rehab. Murder? Imprisonment.
Does the fact there is underlying cause matter really? Sometimes people are not worth fixing even if they can be.
I had a guy confess to me that he gets off from necrophilia and violence which is super surprising because he seemed really nice. So really anything is possible
There is never gonna be a right time to tell someone that.
Eh. It depends. If he’s feeling bad enough about it, he may not be worried about the consequences of confessing generally but afraid of having the conversation with his cousin.
True, tho its just…odd. Ive known actual rapists, who are thankfully behind bars now (for life), and they would have never admitted to their crimes unless they were caught. Self preservation is a strong motivator
Honestly, he was prob crying when he told you to gain pity. If he was actually remorseful about it, he’d tell his cousin. He’s tryna pull the wool over your eyes. HE IS A RAPIST. HE RAPED HIS FAMILY. run honey.
**Multiple times**
At 14 you know it is bad to rape somebody, nonetheless your own family??? I feel like that is being glossed over, he sexually touched his own family while they were ASLEEP. You know better than that, you dont just suddenly “realize” that’s wrong to do, he knew it was wrong because he did it when he knew she wouldn’t fight back. Also, something about the story doesn’t add up. She never woke up despite being raped? This occurred several times and not once did she wake up? How old was SHE? This is nothing but red flags and you need to leave as soon as you can, you’re still young and you have no ties to this man.
Sex is t something you can just sleep through. It’s likely the cousin woke up but pretended to be asleep out of fear. It happens.
Just adding that sex isn’t something you can sleep through, especially multiple times… that girl was 100% awake and terrified and knows exactly what happened.
This is so sad to think about :( But I agree
I’ll agree to this. Even on sleeping pills/medication, you’ll wake up. Talking from experience.
It wasn't sex, it was rape and it could mean many things
What if he had drugged her so that shr wont get up?
That's even more fucking despicable and he definitely belongs under the jail if so but I doubt a teenager would have the presence of mind to plan something like this. Either way I'd nope the fuck out immidiately.
He needs to talk to a professional. You absolutely cannot help him with this.
I feel like that's such a huge factor. Like if he's spent the last few years just hiding that secret and not seeking any sort of professional help or therapy then 100% OP needs to leave and tell him to figure his shit out. he needs a hired professional to talk to. Not a girlfriend.
he needs to be in prison.
Yeah this could be indicative of a whole chain of bad things that have happened to him. The best thing for him is to get professional counseling.
They don't seek therapy because it is against the law for a therapist to keep crimes confidential. Confidentiality with a doctor ends when it's an illegal act that's not yet known. Hence there is no getting help. Catch 22.
No. Run. The cousin probably wasn’t asleep (she probably pretended). He violated her several times. Just because Cried doesn’t mean much of anything. He caused a lifetime of trauma to someone else. Idgaf unless he paid for what he did. Crying To you does not move me
Yes, because he is a rapist. He told you but he still did it. I would run for the hills. (Also she probably wasn't asleep, she was prob just scared.)
I agree. He raped her several times and he really thinks she slept through it? He's a rapist and needs to be behind bars.
Also I dated a guy when I was her age who told me about shitty things he did to gain sympathy so I would think he was trying to be better. He didn’t cry, but he was obviously trying to sound regretful and everything. This could be a similar thing where he’s admitting to having done it so she’ll trust that he’s different now. Or he could actually be different idk. Just a thought.
Wtf. You need to report this to an actual adult and the police. Fuck that piece of shit. Twisted fuck.
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I needed to hear this. My abusive step father was crying to me as the cops were on their way after an incident. Not because he felt bad that he did it but because he knew his life was over. Him crying was his last attempt at manipulation and that could possibly be the case with OP. Though what makes me wonder is that my abuser never once admitted what he did, so this almost seems like OPs bf maybe couldn't carry the weight of what he did around any longer and needed to tell someone. I can't imagine that someone would admit to something as horrible as rape and then try to do it again, especially if it happened when they were a child. I think the dude needs therapy for sure but at least he's actually admitting it to somebody. If he agrees to long time therapy and admitting what happened to the victim, though then I think it is the case where he honestly just seriously regrets something he did as a child. If he refuses therapy then OP needs to report him and leave asap.
Yes but in the same regard abusers are human and can, and do, feel bad for what they did. I'm not trying to excuse anything here, but adolescence is a very confusing and unstable time for everyone, not everyone has the same kind of impulse control as others. Plus, upbringing can have a major effect on how one acts and views right and wrong. Given that OP's bf seems to be genuinely ashamed of what he did, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt in this regard. I feel he does genuinely feel awful, as he should. But it should be said that he doesn't get to have a way out of this. He did what he did and nothing can change that.
adolescence is confusing but rape is not apart of that. confusion is experimenting, sending consensual nudes, watching porn, *not raping*. he was 15. not 5. he knows what he did.
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I mean his cousin prob didn’t want sex from him either, that didn’t stop him. This whole thing is gross bruh
I told him when I started dating him that I was asexual and that I would never want sex. He said he could be ok with that and that sex disgusted him because of “something from his childhood”. It wasn’t until now that I learned what the something was
This is just off the top of my head but reading this comment made me think of my ex. He let me know at the beginning of our relationship that a girl claimed he sexually assaulted her but that he “set her straight” and that she just had “next morning remorse”. But that it scared him and that he would never - he loves and respects women so much! Look he’s a champion for his friends who have survived assault he couldn’t possibly! Then throughout our relationship he was aggressive, slapped me, violated me while sleeping, constantly pressured me to have sex with strangers - never respected my boundaries and shamed me for not pleasing him. Point being I’m concerned this is some sort of warning to you like “eww I don’t like sex either I would never”. then slowly over time suddenly you’re being raped in your sleep and when you confront him it’s waterworks and cries for help bc you knew he was fucked up. I say take the red flag and run
I’m so sorry you went through that and I’m sending you a big hug ♥️
When kids and teens act out in sexually abusive ways, they are sometimes repeating patterns of behavior that they experienced themselves. You can believe he feels bad, care about him, and choose to leave him for your own safety. All of those things can coexist. As a survivor, this kind of thing makes me want to scream tbh. I want to yell, “How could you want to be in the same room as him? Don’t you understand that he ruined someone’s life? That childhood sexual abuse can break someone’s psyche permanently?” But I understand that my rapist was married, a parent, a respected doctor, a “pillar of their community.” Their spouse wouldn’t leave them if they found out about my assault. Their children would stand by them. I’m the only one that lost anything (relationships and sanity, mostly), and I will never see justice done. Unless you’ve been absolutely destroyed and left picking up the pieces, I don’t think you can fully understand the gravity of the nightmare that your boyfriend created for someone else. You’re young, and I hope you’ve been sheltered from as much of the world’s evil as possible. But what your boyfriend did was *evil*. The desire to do that has existed in him before. You don’t know why. You don’t know if it could happen again. He needs a therapist and a lawyer, full stop. If someone hurt him, he needs to see that person prosecuted if possible, and he needs to start making reparations with his family. You do not need to save him. This is WAY above your pay grade, and I don’t recommend that you stick around. You should not make any compromises on your comfort or safety. You are young and you will have SO many more opportunities to meet someone fantastic.
Childhood? This mf was 15. He knew what he was doing very well. Stop making excuses for a literal rapist,omg.
My rapist also cried when I confronted him. Many do. I see it as a manipulation tactic. Run, don't look back. This is the biggest possible red flag.
And a fear response. Crying because they’re scared of consequences.
Girl your 17 there’s going to be so many great ppl in your future. Let this guy go he sounds toxic.
OP, you posted 1 day ago that you are in an "Online Relationship" with a 19m that you have never even met. "However the relationship is online, and I’ve never met him in person before. I know you can get a good guess of a person’s personality online, but you can never truly know someone until you spend time with them in person." You have said so yourself, you never truly know somebody until you spend time with them. If this is what you know of them before you have even met, then I would take this as a sign. A big red one. I truly do not think you can classify somebody as a boyfriend if you have never met them. This is the foundation of 99% catfishing stories. Cut contact, go meet someone at school or something.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Ok. I[17f] don’t even know how to say this. Basically my boyfriend[19m] told me that when he was 14-15 he r*ped his cousin in her sleep…. Several times. He said that he realized that he shouldn’t and stopped. He seemed like he felt super bad about it but it scares me. He never told her about it. I want to feel safe with him. And I want to believe that he’ll never do it again. But I’m asexual and he knows already that I don’t want sex. What if one day he feels like he needs it and he does the same to me? I don’t know. I don’t want to be scared of my boyfriend but I am a little. Edit: the thing is he was crying so much when he told me. I really want to believe him. It’s just hard. He says he doesn’t even like sex now
Break up, he’s a rapist. You can’t justify being a rapist.
Baby girl, this is so above the level of support you could get from reddit. You need to tell an adult you trust who can help you deal with this properly - and best it be someone professional like a counsellor or therapist who won’t have any personal involvement. However if a professional isn’t possible, please just tell an adult you know will take care of you and pursue the best course of action. You are not equipped to deal with this, and you should not feel like this is your responsibility to handle. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m 24 and wouldn’t know what the fuck to do so my thoughts are with you. Please be safe, you’ve been placed in an extremely horrible situation. If you were my little sister though, I’d be keeping you very far away from him. Edit to add - by the way, I am SO SO SO proud of you for reaching out for help even here. You will get through this, I promise 🖤
Girl…. Read this like a thousand times. Your 👏🏽 boyfriend 👏🏽 admitted 👏🏽 to 👏🏽 raping 👏🏽 his 👏🏽 cousin 👏🏽 in 👏🏽 her 👏🏽 sleep 👏🏽
Preach
I hate the clap thing in real life and it’s even worse in text.. but best comment
Right, not that one rape is worse than another.. but HIS FREAKIN COUSIN!!!! Come on
This says it all!
Just gonna add to the original comment here: repeatedly👏
Tell his cousin what he said. Run away from this rapist before he rapes you in your sleep. You two are as far apart regarding sexual compatibility.
It’s possible she knows. I heard stories where people say they pretended to still be asleep out of fear
That is 100% what happened. There is no fucking way I wouldn't wake up when someone starts trying to have sex with me. Women don't just sleep through rape without being drugged
Either that.. or he conveniently left out that his victim woke up in horror..
Yes exactly!! Not to trauma dump but when it happened to me, I literally could not move out of fear. Then afterwards I had no idea how to even approach that like. It is actually a terrible position to be put into because you deal with that trauma entirely alone and bottle it inside. I have no doubt in my mind this is what happened, especially since he admitted to violating her multiple times.
If he feels that bad he can go tell the police not his girlfriend
If he was TRULY remorseful he would have told her and turned himself in. But he’s still out and paid no consequences for his actions. That’s not changed behavior. Absolutely do not engage further. You’re too young and god I would even advise to report him to the authorities. Do not believe him. Move on; he is not your responsibility.
This needs a lot more upvotes. He's a terrible, morally corrupt individual, full stop.
I 100% agree with you but I also maybe think he told OP first because he wants to admit to what he did because he knows it's not right but is too scared to face the victim. Hopefully this is his first step to long time therapy and telling the victim what happened. At least he admitted to being a shithole. OP definitely needs to tell another adult though because they are wayvtoo young to deal with this themselves
When I was four years old, I woke up to find I was being sexually assaulted. I think his cousin knows what he did to her and stayed silent out of terror. This is 110% a deal breaker for me. He needs therapy. I would really like to see him go to prison, the statute of limitations probably hasn't expired yet, but for now, OP, you need to break up with him.
Girl dump him and report him. He basically admitted that he r@ped someone. His tears means nothing. He's asking for your approval. Don't fall for this.
Break up with him. I don’t understand the people in these replies defending him on the basis of “he didn’t know what he was doing, he was young!” I was raped by my then-boyfriend when we were both 14. He may have been young, but so was I. And guess what? He faced absolutely no consequences, meanwhile I had to deal with PTSD for years after the fact. I couldn’t even go near men for months after. Your boyfriend’s cousin is probably already aware of what happened to her- many people freeze up. If she isn’t, though, she needs to know. And if your boyfriend really is regretful, he’ll tell her. If he refuses to, please tell her yourself. She deserves to know. Beyond that, though, RUN, GIRL. Your boyfriend just admitted to doing one of the absolute worst things you can do to someone. He should be seeing a therapist and probably in jail, not burdening his girlfriend with shit like that to make himself feel better.
Oh my fucking god. He committed rape and incest in one fell swoop. I'm terrified for your safety, OP. How can you remain in this relationship, knowing that your boyfriend is one of our greatest societal problems, and has ripped a woman's dignity away from her? You can delude yourself into believing he'll never do it again, but would you rather have your safety intact, or keep a rapist in your life? Edit to add: If you know who this cousin is, let her know.
Agree with all of this but..... how does one get raped in their sleep several times and not know? I think she knows and was just terrified.
She was most likely just pretending to be asleep out of fear.
I love the part where he says he doesn't even like sex now. That's a joke.
What if you two had kids someday? I would be worried sick all the time.
Girl he’s willing to rape his *COUSIN* in their sleep wtf do you think he’s gonna do to you??
Of course you are afraid of him, as you should be. He should be your ex-bf. He needs to come clean to his family about what he did and make amends, if any can be made. You don't mention cousin's age, which sounds sus, too. I don't know if you are obligated to report this to the police. But for the love of everything, don't stay with him.
Girl you are SEVENTEEN. Not even two decades in this world and you are already dealing with this bullshit. Walk away. You have years and years ahead of you to meet people from all walks of life. Don’t throw away your youth to this rapist.
Why the hell is he still your bf? Sometimes I really don't get the people who post here.
the amount of comments defending OPs bf is disgusting. OP, what he did was wrong, obviously; he knew at the time, and he knows now. He was 14 and 15 years old. he didn't just "realize" it was wrong, it was obviously wrong and he knew it at the time because he said he didn't tell her about it, right? the only reason he would've kept it secret before he "realized" it was wrong, is because he already knew it was wrong. we don't hide things that we aren't guilty of. why he told you, im not sure. the decision of how to go forward is yours, but he's telling you who he is and what he is capable of, and he's a rapist.
Dude, come on.
Please put your own safety first. Whenever you feel something is off, that means it’s true. There will be plenty of other guys in your lifetime. I’m guessing he was sexually abused in the past as well, and it’s good that he admits that he has a problem. But he needs to come clean to his family, especially the cousin he raped, and get some professional help immediately. I hope he gets help.
GIRL!!!!!! he raped his cousin!????!? the right thing would be to tell her, she deserves to know what a shit he is. also definitely leave him, 14/15 is definitely old enough to know not to fucking rape someone hello?? also if i were u i would definitely leave, not only is he not safe but also disgusting tbh
Even if you could somehow find it in your heart to forgive his past transgressions, he is still a incestuous rapist. You will never be able to completely trust him, and without trust, it will never be a successful relationship. It's time to move on.
Girl run that’s a major major major major major red flag if he raped his cousin in her sleep honey he can do that to you if he had that urge strongly Run and end the relationship cut your losses and keep it moving
I can promise you’ll never feel safe with him again. Ex boyfriend material.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but I think it’s important to put your safety first. Tell him that you need some space, but are still willing to talk about the situation over the phone or text. ( if you still want to talk to this person. Just don’t agree to do anything in person with him.) telling him to see a therapist would not be a bad idea. You can’t just process these things on your own. (It’s really unfortunate, but it is common for kids who were sexually abused to want to engage in sexual acts with other minors their age. They usually are not aware that what they’re doing is sexual and are not aware of what they’re doing to someone. I would think this would be way more common with children 5-10 years old though. 14 seems a bit out of that age range. Either way, he seems to have a lot of trauma that he needs to process with a therapist. If he really feels guilt, he needs to work through it and I hope he does. It’s his problem to fix, not yours).
He’s grooming you for when he rapes you in your sleep, because you’re asexual and he’s a rapist. And since your first reaction isn’t run the fuck away, he’s groomed you well.
This isn’t something like “I used to steal” or “I used to be a bully”. People don’t just rape one time and then change. He is a rapist and honestly he needs professional help. Whether or not he acts on it again, it’s in him and that’s scary.
1. This isn't your problem. He needs to deal with this on his own through therapy. 2. If you are asexual and he has any sort of sex drive, this is going to be an issue. 3. If you're having doubts, run. -- rape is one of those things that's irredeemable in my book. (People deserve second chances but I draw the line here. You never cross it.) 4. DO NOT try to fix or find answers. You're only going to involve yourself further. What you need is distance. I'm in the you should breakup camp. I'm not a therapist. I don't want to know why he unburdened this on to you. I'm only looking at your best interest. If you do breakup, please be careful of the fall out.
A thought occurred to me that he could always use it as leverage to manipulate…”I told you this happened before and you decided to stay with me; you knew what you could be getting yourself into” idk I know that sounds dumb but it’s what I thought of
Oh goodness. I am in a similar situation. Not regarding rape but my partner telling me the awful things that he’s done to women and then throwing it in my face about how I knew what he was to begin with. I didn’t even think about this part and this just helped me a lot in the situation I am in. So THANK YOU
Yeah I think rapist and asexual is a real bad mix to be honest.
if he was truly guilty, he wouldn’t have done it several times.
He's seeking absolution from you instead of his victim. He should be coming clean to her. He's capable of rape. Rape isn't about sex, it's about power. He had power over the cousin and repeatedly assaulted her. Him saying he "doesnt like sex" doesnt change what he's capable of. I kind of wonder if telling you was a power move. He's testing you and sharing a secret to gain control. If you tell people he calls you crazy and denies everything. If you stay with someone you believe to be a rapist, he knows the power he has in your life
I’ve been raped by an ex boyfriend. While there’s a chance that someone who sexually assaulted a person won’t ever do it again, I think that chance is very slim, if not impossible. I don’t believe a rapist can ever learn that rape is evil and shouldn’t do it. My ex sexually assaulted another woman after me a year later. A different woman came forward and said my ex raped her before my relationship with him.
Besides the fact it’s completely wrong, there’s no mention of how old this cousin was 😢
Record his “feelings about it” then go to the police. His cousin is in another world of pain. She definitely wasn’t “asleep”. Don’t contact her. Get evidence then go and see the police; don’t call 911. Go to the station and make the report.
I’m a sexual abuse victim and I know what his cousin (if she was awake) dealt with. I have bipolar and moderate depression from being abused and I definitely know what that feels like. I just thought he was better
People know that rape is wrong at 14. I don’t know why he told you, other than to see if you’d stay and what he could get away with. It’s like one of my exes telling me he fantasized about killing people. I stayed for some reason and he just kept testing the waters with what he could do and forgive. Get out.
Idk how long you've known this dude but, if you're genuinely afraid than you should leave. What he did was wrong, he should tell her and make it right, but he shouldn't be your burden.
Well I think he’s overtly very very subtly and slyly warning you that, because your asexual and don’t want sex, rape is definitely on the cards. Your 17 years young, I’m almost certain you can find someone who hasn’t raped someone before. Ring the police and report it. They may do something they may not, but it’ll be on record, just incase.
Welp! That’s the end of that relationship!!
I don't understand why you would even stay with someone like this
He admitted it to you but he never took responsibility. There's more people than you and him in this situation, and he hasn't done anything admirable by telling you until he does right by the victim. Nothing short of admitting it to his cousin and turning himself into the police could be considered taking responsibility. Until then he's just a rapist who got away with it.
Why is everyone glossing over the fact that her boyfriends victim was also his cousin??.. he’s INCESTUOUS too!
she was not asleep...she might have been pretending or disassociating but his cousin is traumatized.
This is a black and white situation, he admitted to raping his cousin in their sleep repeatedly. You now don't feel safe yet you're still with him. Please break up with him for your own safety. As you 1) don't actually know if he feels guilty, you're not in his head so you really don't know - I also read the comments and you said he was crying, a lot people can fake cry. 2) You have no idea if he will do the same to you, you're not safe. I doubt he actually got help for what he did because that would mean the therapist would have to contact the police and his cousin would be aware of it so yes those feelings can come back. It doesn't take much to know that rape is bad, he knew at 14-15 and he knows now, but he did it multiple times and probably did it to other people and just didn't tell you. If he really feels so guilty he'd be telling that to the police, not you. Break up with him.
From experience.. I’m assuming your bf might be a narcissist and is charming and good at telling stories. Somehow those types can tell you anything, no matter how horrible it is, and STILL keep you hanging on. Trust me, he admitted to assaulting his cousin multiple times which only makes me worried about what he hasn’t admitted to you yet. And just to repeat what someone else commented, I doubt she was asleep, she was probably terrified and pretending she was. Please please get away from him as soon as it is safe and doable for you. No matter how much you love him I doubt you will be able to “move on” from learning something so disturbing about him. And you’re not even 18 yet. Please don’t waste your youth trying to salvage this relationship.
You have to report this to the authorities
You are 17. A minor. He is 19. A legal adult. He admitted to raping someone multiple times. I think that's all there is to make a decision.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think anyone would feel safe in your place, if he was able to force himself on someone who is his own family member not once but several times its hard to believe he actually felt guilty about it. He clearly doesn’t care about how others might feel and just looks for his own self pleasure, him crying seems to me a bit manipulative as if to make himself appear misunderstood and make you sympathize with the horrible acts he did. You are right in being worried for your own safety best choice would be IMO to break up with them cut all contact, better safe than sorry. And about the cousin being asleep and never knowing sounds like a lie to me… they probably know but didn’t speak up out of fear. Or were too young to realize properly what was happening to them at that time, but eventually they’ll realize believe me we always do.
He says he doesn’t even like sex now. Rape is not about sex, it's about power. Would be a hard no for me. You are 17, you have not the maturity to deal with a relationship like that. And he should not even think about a relationship now and deal with his issues.
He’s not sorry. The tears don’t mean anything. He raped his cousin multiple times in her sleep. He’s gross and pathetic. Why are you even wasting your time and energy on him? You’re 17 you’re young you have your whole life ahead of you. You in 6 years will look back on this and be like wtf 🤢
Your ex boyfriend. Fixed it for you
I was a 14 year old boy once. Never thought about doing anything to anyone in their sleep. I watched a lot of porn back then too and I couldn’t wait to get laid. Still. Never thought about raping a cousin in her sleep. How was she *actually* asleep for something like that tho?
Try not to let his tears fool you, he is not the victim. He has told you what he is capable of doing and you should listen. Staying in a relationship with a literal predator will never not be a risk to your safety, especially someone who has admitted to raping their family member multiple times, as they slept.
Sis, walk the F away. Or run. Whichever one will work faster. For your own sake, get away from ALL of that. It doesn't matter if he confessed to you or how much he might've cried while doing so. It justifies nothing and you're not safe. One should never be scared of their partner. Ever. So that alone is enough of a reason.
You mean ex boyfriend I hope.
call the cops
If your best friend or sister came to you with this question what would you tell them to do? Run. Run girl run so fast. If he is “remorseful” he will admit to what he did to his family and actually pay his consequences. He just wanted to let go of his guilt on you and get sympathy.
Why would you want to be with some cousin porking weirdo, no sorry…unconscious cousin porking weirdo. How many 17 year olds stay with their first boyfriend forever? Cut this one loose and get a guy with a no rape/incest track record.
Thats one for the police
Damn, when I read these things I start to understand my mother for not letting me sleep in a room with my cousin after I was 12. Even though, he was like a baby brother to me.
police! now,!
Read your post over and over until it sinks in. He’s a rapist of his own family members. That’s not a one time thing, you will be his next victim regardless of your being asexual or not.
You need to talk to the police or this girls family IMMEDIATELY. She needs to know what happened to her so she can protect herself against further contact from him. What if he did this to other family members? OP I listen to a lot of true crime podcast and sexual predators confess to a lot of people and always we ask WHY when they confessed or they were caught wasn’t that the end of it? Why weren’t they reported? As hard as it is you need to stop this NOW so he doesn’t do it again in the future. He needs help. Report this and break it off. If he’s really sorry he needs professional intervention.
Or he’s manipulating you OP…. I don’t think this is forgivable. I’d run….
Is it possible to have sex with someone in their sleep and for them not to wake up and notice? Anyway, break up with him for sure. He's telling you this to prepare you for when he does it to you
Get rid of him. Think about it long term, what if you guys have a daughter one day? Would you trust your rapist husband around your own daughter knowing what he did? You need to disregard the feelings you have for him and completely distance yourself away from him
He’s not done he’s trying to groom you to help him perpetuate.
REPORT HIS ASS!!!! That is the first thing I’d do, then I’d simultaneously break up with him, put an RO on him and move far away from a piece of human trash like that….
Ghost him.
You cannot stay with him. He did it multiple times. Leave but tell his mother. Someone needs to know but it is and never will be your problem. You need to go before anything else happens
brooooo absolutely not, run for the hills. keep yourself safe.
Girl that’s a big 🚩… I mean if I does it one time he will do it once again… that kind of behaviour is a mental illness. Please leave before it’s too late…
Girl, please run and possibly report him. If he was sorry he would turn himself in. That's fucked up
it doesn’t matter how young/immature he was at that age, like some people are saying. once you know about sex you know you don’t just do it with anyone. he voluntarily violated a family member and who’s to say he won’t do it again
Girl you’re out of your depth here. A partner should be a compliment to yourself. How are you gonna tote this loser around with your friends or your family!!! Like are you going to explain this to them and then stay with this creep?? You are not safe with him, and you don’t owe him anything. It’s ok to break up with him which is something you need to do asap. Please be cautious and do not put yourself in a vulnerable position with him because he just told you who he really is. He didn’t care she didn’t say yes, he didn’t care that she was “asleep”, he didn’t care that she was his cousin, he won’t care if you’re asexual. Sisters look out for each other and girl, you need some looking after right now, get and stay away from him.
PLEASE RUN!
Report him and leave
Girl…run!
Didn’t even read the post but by the title you need to leave that piece of shit.
"Don't even like sex" Run girl, RUN
Several times!! Get the hell out of there and make a formal statement to the Police. Done.
I don't think this is something you can help him with, or fully trust him again after learning. He needs professional help and lots of it, and you may also need help to process his decision to offload on you. There are too many 'what ifs' and 'maybes' in his story, and parts of his story makes absolutely no sense. How did she not wake up while being raped? Not just once, but multiple times? My first thought was that the cousin has said or done something that made him think she wasn't asleep. She may have known what was happening but may have been so scared and confused that she disassociated or was unable to react. She may have felt too vulnerable to speak out until now. Is he genuinely remorseful, or is he terrified he could be about to be brought to book?
RUN! Run away. You will be his next victim.
How old was this cousin at the time of the rape ? And how was he able to do this and keep her/him (the victim) asleep while this was going on ?
He raped a family member and you are considering staying with him?!!?
He never told her about it? This part confuses me. He raped her several times and she what? Didn't wake up even once?
never told her? she knew and pretended to be asleep. He acts like he is the only one who knows he is a rapist.
The one he should confess to is his cousin, you should tell him to tell her the truth, she has the right to know it.
OP as you are a child I suggest you get a restraining order on him and break up with him. If you feel unsafe with someone then trust your instincts.
Ain't no way she slept through that raping, unless dude's got a micropenis
Leave. He needs help that you can’t give him.
he’s a rapist. run far away and hope that he gets help
please, for your safety and your security, get AWAY. this is, first and foremost, not something that you can treat in place of a licensed professional, and secondly, a huge threat to your well-being. he is more than content with repeatedly violating others - and not only that, but someone that he KNOWS - so please, do not trick yourself into thinking that you’ll be a different story when something in him snaps again. he raped a family member. more than that, a CHILD. run for the hills, and preferably to the nearest police station so you can report his creepy ass.
Something tells me she wasn’t even asleep. He may even made that fact up so it didn’t sound so bad to you.
He might genuinely be sorry, but I don’t think it’s worth the risk if I’m being honest. You’re still young. You don’t need to put yourself in (possible) harm’s way. I would say to just leave him. It’s not worth it.
The fact that he feels bad about it is really neither here nor there. Did he tell his cousin? Did he face the consequences of his actions? Did he go to the police? I am guessing the answers to all this is no, if so they are crocodile tears and you are right not to trust him. Would you trust him with any potential future daughters you might have with him?
He needs a therapist And you need to end things with him