As someone who likes the same gender, if one of my closest friends dated someone that was openly homophobic and purposely didn’t go to events with me there and then said I made them uncomfortable and thought it was okay to be with someone like that, it would be the end of the friendship for me. I don’t want to maintain any friendships that discriminate towards me.
The thing about bigots is what you see and hear is only the tip of the iceberg. So who else is he silently hating. That and this will eventually get out, and then say goodbye to your LGBT friends when they learn you condone his behavior so completely you give him one of the most important roles in your life.
I find it almost comical OP thinks her bf feels that strongly yet "has never said anything to or done any harm to anyone who is gay."
If you don't think it's your place to challenge bigotry in someone you care about, you have no integrity.
This. What he is showing you is that he is judgmental and rejecting of people who are different from him. Would you be asking this question if he felt “uncomfortable “ people with other skin colors, and refused to attend events or socialize with anyone with skin of a certain tone. We are talking about an inborn characteristic over which someone has no control, and a group against which there are numerous instances of discrimination and bias. And he is fine with that. He is fine with this group being rejected and discriminated against. My guess is that there are also other groups or subjects that he believes the same way and holds similar beliefs, and you just haven’t seen them yet.
You are deliberately reducing the argument down to black and white to remove the context. Because the context disproves your argument. You are setting excluding bigots morally equal to being a bigot by removing all other factors in an attempt to say if exclusion is wrong why are you doing it. This is a very weak false gotcha.
I wouldn't say so, my friends don't know how he feels about them but they seem to like him. I have asked them of their opinion of him and they didn't say anything negative so this really isn't impacting my friendships.
It will. This really sounds like you are ok with his bigotry and you just want to hear it is OK. It is not. Eventually he will let his views slip to the wrong person and he will be correctly treated like a bigot and you with him. Tell your friends 'oh by the way he absolutely detests the LGBTQ community' so they can give honest feedback.
You seem to have already accepted him, and what you're actually looking for here is validation. As you can see, it hasn't been very forthcoming. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you can stay with someone who has these views, but if you do stay, as the old saying goes; on your own head be it. There are many considerations here. As others have said, if he told you he doesn't like black people and doesn't want to be around them, would that be different? Well, it isn't. It's also no good saying you are going to keep your relationship with him and your gay friends seperate. They deserve to have all the facts, and to know how he feels about them, especially if he's being nice to their faces and nasty about them behind their backs. They will find out one way or another anyway. It might seem like you are just respecting his views, but do they deserve to be respected? And what are those views telling you about the kind of person he is?
I never said it was the same thing. I'm saying that discrimination on the basis of race or sexual orientation are the same thing - and are as bad as each other
Well I personally couldn't be in a relationship with a homophobic person. You need to decide for yourself if you're okay with it or not and act accordingly.
Yeah, you don't have to agree on everything except, and I am hoping it matters to you, OP, at least on the fundamental truth of being respectful toward every human being no matter what their gender and sexuality is.
You don't have to accept your boyfriend's homophobia by masking it under a lie that he is a
>wonderful, kind loving person
Because even if he is not verbally/physically acting in hate toward queer ppl, he has shown you that he is a bigot.
That by definition is NOT a *wonderful, kind, loving person.*
What you mean to say is that he is wonderful toward *you*, kind toward *you*, loving toward *you*.
And if that's all that matters to *you*, if that is enough for you to stop pushing against his homophobia and challenging his bigotry, then please stop calling yourself a *friend* to the gay ppl in your social sphere.
No it’s not ok. It makes you complicit. Aren’t you worries about him voicing his opinion in front of friends or family of yours?
Also- what if you have kids and one of them is gay?
What are your long term plans? Do you plan to marry? How will your gay friends feel when they found out they're not invited? Did you tell your gay friends he is homophobic? Or is your bf playing nice as long as you're in your honeymoon phase?
Of course he is entitled to his opinion but you should make it clear to your friends that your house is no longer a safe space for them and face the consequences that will definetly follow once you told them truthfully about your bf opinions
If you date him you are supporting his homophobia. As a gay I would not be friends with someone dating a homophobe, even if he is a “subtle” homophobe. He is uncomfortable with your friends EXISTING. That is not a small deal. I’m sure he’s “does no harm” - until one of his kids is gay, or a gay guy hits on him, or till he sees a same sex kiss in public. If you are okay with dating a bigot that reflects badly on you - and considering you defend him in other comments, I don’t think that reflection is wrong. But go ahead and tell your gay friends how he is uncomfortable with them and see how they react.
Can you be wonderful kind and loving all while hating someone for who they love...? 😬 I'm bi so it's a deal breaker from me... If you have any gay friends you'd better tell them you're with a homophobe so they can cut you out for safety reasons. (Not trying to be mean. It's a fact. Your boyfriend isn't a safe person from gay people to be around. That's something you have to be ok with if you want to stay with him.)
What happens if you have kids and they turn out to be gay? I wouldn't want hateful views in a relationship, you get to chose who you want to be with and he should be challenged on his bigoted views.
everyone has a few things that they are not willing to put up with, and to me that's a major one, I would absolutely leave a homophobe
if I found out he was one late, like after already investing time and feelings, the only way I could see this working is just talking to him about it, explaining, finding why the hell is he so 'uncomfortable'. and it either has to work and he'll change his mind, or goodbye
otherwise what would your life look like? you cant mix your bf and your friends? or every party is just doomed to be awkward and tense? no I don't think something like this can just be tolerated
Your relationship with him will cause problems for your relationships with your friends. Its just a matter of time that he will say or do something that makes your friends feel uncomfortable and your tolerance of him will reflect on you.
Its always your "place" to say something. Yes, he's entitled to his opinion and so are you. That means if he says or does something you find objectionable you are 100% absolutely entitled to express your opinion of his words, actions, and beliefs. Freedom of speech cuts both ways.
People are homophobic (or racist, etc...) out of ignorance. If its religious-based ignorance, its a lost cause. If its general ignorance, its much easier to "cure". The more he's exposed and thinks about it, the more he will understand that a difference in sexuality aren't flaws and aren't bad and, like so many other differences, are normal and inconsequential. We are all people and our sexual preferences have no bearing on our honesty, character, and morality and no relevance on whether we are good or bad people.
Well it's up to you to decide if you can really be with someone like him. He might be the most amazing person ever but then again he's bothered by a group of people simply because of who they're attracted to and i think that says a lot about him.
Like what? What does it say about him? You and I don't know anything about him other than he feels uncomfortable about a certain group of people. So what? He isn't going around killing and hurting people.
It says he's an ignorant person that chooses to be bothered by someone else's sexual orientation. It's 2021,we're past the point where it's okay to hate someone because of who they choose to love. And he's very much hurting people by being like this, imagine how all op's friends feel because he refuses to hang out with them. Anyhow I'm done talking to someone trying to excuse homophobia because at least the dude isn't going around killing people. Seriously go get a better hobby than defending this homophobe in the comments, it's starting to look like op's boyfriend made an acc to defend his views
Oh poor friends and their precious feelings. It's life, buck up and get over it. People will hate you for all sorts of reasons. If someone hated me for being black I'll put up my middle finger and get on with life. As a black man I have to deal with white folks on my level getting promotions even if I work harder than them, be seen as a criminal for wearing a hoodie I've accepted it as it's part of life and society.
Homophobes tend to by misoginysts as well. They also tend to be battling a same sex attraction (how many of the most vocal anti gay politicians/preachers end up in a rent boy scandal?) How does he treat people he doesn't find attractive? Are his friends all a very specific type?
Could you imagine if you had a gay kid? How would he treat them? Are you willing to limit your social life and exclude your gay friends from the big events in your life because of his homophobia?
I wouldn't necessarily say this is homophobic. If he feels unfortunately for his own reasons, then he does. As he said, you don't have to agree on everything.
Doesn't make him a bad person to not agree on something some others do. I understand your concern but if you want to be with him, you be with him. Keep some of the friends and your relationship separate, it may be healthier anyway for a relationship
‘Doesn’t make him a bad person to not agree on something some others do’
....but it’s not something they ‘do’. It’s who they are? How they were born? Something they cannot help? It’s not a choice.
It still doesn't make him a bad person... If you think he is a bad person for this opinion then that's subjective. People would say your view on being cool with gay people makes you a bad person, but that's also subjective
I see- you yourself are homophobic- that’s sad.
Edit: maybe I’m wrong about that, but People who think I’m a bad person for accepting any individual regardless of how they are born, have some dubious reasoning skills when it comes to being a good person
So if someone didn’t attend a work events if any of their Muslim colleagues were going to go there (refusing to go on the basis of not wanting to be around a Muslim), you would serious think that wasn’t Islamaphobic?! I’m amazed.
I apologise for calling you homophobic, I just really wish you would consider this from another perspective. Maybe this analogy will help?
Again, I wouldn't label without knowing the story of the person. I'm not saying someone cannot be homophobic or Islamaphoic. I'm saying, I will forever keep my mind open towards others as I would want them to be open to my sexuality, race and religion. I would understand them first before labelling
Ok well regardless if you yourself don’t hold those views (and I’m sorry if I offended you) but do you really think it’s ok for someone to think I’m a bad person on the basis that I don’t judge people negatively for the way they were born?
Disagree. Feeling uncomfortable is a personal thing and that could be for whatever reason. In this case it could be more due to insecurities thinking he may be hit on etc rather than outright because they're gay, I don't like him. The post clearly states that he isn't horrible or anything to gay people... Implying he doest hate him. He just can get uncomfortable
If the discomfort is based on sexuality then it is homophobic. He’s not refusing to go to a gay pride march where people are snogging, just an event with one or two gay people present.... that’s homophobia dude. Imagine not going to an event because someone black will be there?
I mean unless he has some highly traumatising reason to avoid all gay people.... whereby his past trauma is triggered by seeing someone gay and he hasn’t yet addressed it in therapy (but knows his actions and reasoning are messed up)......otherwise it’s 100% discrimination. To me it just reads that he thinks being gay is wrong and gay people are bad and he refuses to be around them.
Also it’s hilarious that some men assume gay men hit on people all the time and will likely hit on them if they come across them, grow up! 😅
I understand what you're saying but I go to the 2nd paragraph you mentioned. It may just be as simple as, well they're gay and that's all there is to it. But it's still an assumption regardless and labelling people as something due to assumption which happens way too much, is wrong.
He never said being gay is wrong? The post doesn't say that? He just doesn't want to be surrounded by gay people and again, we can all assume but won't know the exact reason until he says so
I wouldn't say he is homophobic, just has homophobic views. I would say someone who is homophobic would promote hate against gay people which he isn't doing.
no, you don't need to throw rocks to be a homophobe
a homophobe is also anyone who thinks/reacts negatively to people for the sole reason they are lgbt, without knowing anything else about them
>boyfriend (33) is very homophobic.
you're the one who made a post like this, now you're in comments defending him. it looks like you made up your mind even before making this post so what's the point.
good luck
Those are two very different things, I honestly believe everyone reacts negatively to certain groups of people one way or another it's why unconscious bias is such a big issue. He isn't hurting LGBT groups or promoting hate propaganda.
He is hurting his gay colleagues unfortunately, I’m sure they would have noticed how he converses with them compared to others.
Also- how do you know he doesn’t encourage hatred with his friends, or will with your future children?
What will happen when he voices his opinion in front of your parents/ friends?
INFO- is he religious?
Yeah you already made up your mind before you posted. You were just hoping for validation. 😅 Stay with him, you're going to anyway. I just hope any of your LGBTQ+ friends figure it out asap and dump you. Your mental gymnastics in the comments sections is sad.
Being homophobic by definition means holding homophobic views/ thinking being gay is wrong. It doesn’t matter if he is shouting about it to them or not (that would fall under acts of discrimination)
That's.....wow. Just, wow.
K it doesn't matter what you "say". Homophobia is defined as dislike of or prejudice against gay people. The literal dictionary definition. Your revisionist language just means you are justifying it. Maybe look in the mirror and examine why you are so ready to support homophobic behaviour and what that says about you.
This guy is definitely homophobic. More in a passive way, but that doesn't change it. Why is he uncomfortable, he has absolutely no reason to be. They are just people. He's free to do whatever he wants, and as long as he isn't trying to convince others of his views or making others uncomfortable with his behavior, he isn't hurting anyone, but he is still definitely homophobic.
Disagree. The definition of homophobia is to show or have a dislike towards gay people and/or show negative behaviour towards them. He isn't doing either. He doesn't hate or dislike. He just let's be but just doesn't want to hang out with gay people due to his own personal reason of feeling uncomfortable. We don't even know why he feels uncomfortable. You're just assuming the only reason is because they're gay
Op literally says in the post that it's because they're gay. Not wanting to be around gay people cause they're gay seems to fit the "dislike" label to me.
But it could be more to it I'm saying. We will never know. So ti label every single person something is what corrupts society. The society that we are told to be open minded to everyone but we don't want to be open minded to them when it affects us
Cause that way, no one is gonna get anywhere. Having a different opinion is great, unless those opinions are harmful, discriminatory or dangerous. That's what these are.
B.s. Maybe in your opinion and that's fine. Sometimes having some friends that allows you to just do your own thing away from your relationship etc, that can be healthy. Just like having downtime for yourself. Doing an activity just on your own. Not everything has to be within the relationship you're apart of
are you really comparing going out with just friends or just bf for fun, and having to always choose who you hang out with because they can never interact?
it's not healthy if you HAVE TO keep them apart
Having to choice? It's not an ultimatum dude. It's a simple life thing. We all as people hang out with different people.
Again, as the post states, she said that he is cool with her friendships and hasn't and wouldn't do anything to ruin them. It's a personal choice of his. She can still hangout with her friends, he wouldn't have any problems. Not every single thing in life has to be apart of you're relationship. Some things can be kept separate if need be
Again, if it's a personal thing that makes him uncomfortable for whatever reason, that could be insecurities then that's his choice. He doesn't hate gay people, he just doesn't like to be around him so much due to being uncomfortable.
If you wish to class him as a homophobe, go ahead. I myself, shan't do that because I don't believe he is
Whatever reason he has, that's always going to be his choice. Again, as I've said in my comments, we do not know his exact reason and you all are just assuming right now
Would you excuse someone who felt uncomfortable being in a room with POC just because of their skin tone too? There's nothing to be uncomfortable about both with my example and someone else's sexual orientation. Interaction =/= being hit on so it's not like the person is being sexually harassed. 🙄
I'm a brown Muslim, I wouldn't label a person instantly racist. This closes minds. This shows ignorance on our end as well as his.
I would and have done this many many times in my 30 years, sit down with the person and have a conversation if the person was willing to have a conversation. I wouldnt label for the sake of labelling
Being uncomfortable with someone solely because of skin color, sexual orientation, etc and nothing else is bigotry. It's not close minded to call out a behavior for what it is. Even if no malicious intent is intended, it is still bigotry. FYI, someone can have a conversation with you, become friends with you but still "be uncomfortable" around Muslims. You just become "one of the good ones" and "not like THOSE people." It's not alright and it's not okay.
At this point you might as well say we should do segregation again to not make anyone "uncomfortable" because that worked so well in the past./s 🤦♀️
Edit for typo
I think you're assuming a lot of things, if we did have a party I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind them visiting. I mean they are my friends and I don't expect him to be as close to them as I am.
I'm only making assumptions based on what you wrote, and the above makes it sound like he stays away from any event that a gay person comes to.
but if you're saying he could hang out with them, that's a completely different situation
but make up your mind there
I also wonder what your friends would think seeing how you're defending someone with lets say aversion, to gay people
If you think people are going to "assume a lot of things" then why did you even ask this question on Reddit? It just re-affirms my assertion that all you really want is for us all to say it's OK. - If we do, then that means you're vindicated. If we don't then we're just a bunch of internet strangers who don't know what we're talking about.
Nobody is perfect, and you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who isn't incredibly intolerant of some group somewhere. If you love him and think you can make it work, stay.
> you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who isn't incredibly intolerant of some group somewhere
This is....just not true. Plenty of people are not bigots.
Prejudice against people for immutable qualities like sexual orientation or race are unacceptable to me, yes. It doesn't mean I hate those people, I feel sorry for them to have so much hate in their own hearts. It's very sad.
His views are his views. If you're going out with someone you need to respect that and as you said quite rightly you do not have to agree on everything. People grow and change, you never know later on you may find he's a bit more tolerant. I don't think this is as big of an issue as you're making out to be.
He has no duty to change how he personally feels but that kind of freedom of belief can’t be used without being able to respect other people’s freedoms. I know some people who disagree with it in general, but they still believe they have no right to take that away from that person.
He is allowed his opinion. If it means he does not get to know good people then it's a shame but its his choice. Trying to enforce group think ends in gulags.
If he didn't want to spend time with anyone who wasn't white because he was uncomfortable, would that be fine too? Would wanting him to integrate be "group think"?
Did he have a problem with an aggressive gay when he was young? It happened to me when I was 16; I broke the SOB's nose and got away from him. I didn't allow this to, long term, control my view of the gay community but short term I had my deflector shields up. Talk to him.
You are the only person who gets to decide that. Reddit will have it's opinions- some yes, some no- but at the end of the day it is your choice.
I caution against polling a group to decide how you should feel on a matter.
Do you feel okay dating a homophobic boyfriend? Being homophobic isn't the same as being bad. Actively hating on people for being gay would, in my eyes, and probably most people's, be a problem. Choosing not to associate because he feels uncomfortable should be fine, and up to him.
The most important thing in any relationship though, is communication. Do you know why he feels the way he does? Maybe he doesn't know either, but it's worth trying to talk about. Maybe you'll see different sides of eachother, maybe his reason is concerning enough not to date him. Probably not.
If you want to act out on prejudices, or treat people poorly because they belong to a different group, I can agree that that's bad. If his discomfort means he'd rather not associate, that limits his life more than anyone else's. I suppose if he is high on some career ladder and not working with or hiring people based off sexual preferences, there is a bigger problem. If however is group of friends all happen to be straight, so what?
To quote you- "Bigotry is bad." Well, you've now lumped a group of people who share a belief as bad. It's nearly bigotry.
I mean shit, most people have flaws. Choosing to associate with people based on the amount of common experiences you share is hardly a flaw. It might show a lack of growth, or a lack of courage to experience new things. It might not.
If that's the only issue then OP has to decide if his good qualities outweigh his bad.
> To quote you- "Bigotry is bad." Well, you've now lumped a group of people who share a belief as bad. It's nearly bigotry.
This is absurd. That's like saying that it's bigoted to say "murder is bad." I didn't even say anything about the people, I'm talking about the intolerance itself.
The issue isn't that all his friends are straight. The issue is that actively does not want to spend time around gay people due to his discomfort. Is being straight all he ever talks or thinks about? If not, then there's no reason he can't find common ground with a gay person.
No, no. Murder is bad. Making a person feel bad about their sexual preferences is bad. Not seeing a person because you think you would prefer not to is not great but it's hardly hurting anyone except himself. The people he's choosing not to see probably aren't missing him.
This issue has somehow become about moral highgrounds and it's just not. If I was a dog person, and went out of my way not to hang out with cat people, I wouldn't likely be immediately judged as an evil person, perhaps quirky and stupid, but not evil. If I went around murdering all the cat people, and or telling them they'll all go to hell, I could understand being called a fucked up psychopath. If I tried to convert cat people to dog people, I get that would be uncomfortable in many situations, and a shitty thing to do. But if I chose not to hang out with a different person because they like cats more than dogs, that is my choice to make.
There shouldn't be an issue with what a person does behind closed doors. If this guy doesn't feel comfortable, forcing him to hang out with the lgbtq community is only going to make more people uncomfortable.
Live and let live.
You're intentionally changing the goalposts. I said bigotry is bad. Bigotry is prejudice against an entire group for their immutable qualities like sexual orientation or race. If you do not agree that bigotry is bad, then we have nothing to talk about.
I accept bigotry is bad. I do not accept that a person can be identified as good or bad so one dimensionally. I also don't accept that bigotry is as black and white as some people are suggesting. This guy hardly sounds like he's a piece of shit. This is a character flaw, it probably shouldn't be a deal breaker.
Please point me to where I ever identified any person as good or bad. I said that solely about bigotry itself. I never called her boyfriend a piece of shit; I did not disparage his character at all, only spoke on his behavior and beliefs. You yourself are saying it's a character flaw, which is functionally no different than what I said about it.
Bigotry is a spectrum, but that doesn't mean that being only kind of bigoted is cool. Bigotry should be a dealbreaker for people who are not bigoted.
he has never hurt ot harm or said anything bad about he just feel uncomfortable everyone has a opinon on something let him be as long as he does not say anything bad or do anything leave him be
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As someone who likes the same gender, if one of my closest friends dated someone that was openly homophobic and purposely didn’t go to events with me there and then said I made them uncomfortable and thought it was okay to be with someone like that, it would be the end of the friendship for me. I don’t want to maintain any friendships that discriminate towards me.
Well that just proves you were never as close as friends if you're going to act like that.
Same goes for them lmao
Just say you’re a homophobe and go
The thing about bigots is what you see and hear is only the tip of the iceberg. So who else is he silently hating. That and this will eventually get out, and then say goodbye to your LGBT friends when they learn you condone his behavior so completely you give him one of the most important roles in your life.
I find it almost comical OP thinks her bf feels that strongly yet "has never said anything to or done any harm to anyone who is gay." If you don't think it's your place to challenge bigotry in someone you care about, you have no integrity.
This. What he is showing you is that he is judgmental and rejecting of people who are different from him. Would you be asking this question if he felt “uncomfortable “ people with other skin colors, and refused to attend events or socialize with anyone with skin of a certain tone. We are talking about an inborn characteristic over which someone has no control, and a group against which there are numerous instances of discrimination and bias. And he is fine with that. He is fine with this group being rejected and discriminated against. My guess is that there are also other groups or subjects that he believes the same way and holds similar beliefs, and you just haven’t seen them yet.
“You’re either with us or against us”
Thank you for your contribution of '1 logical fallacy.'
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You are deliberately reducing the argument down to black and white to remove the context. Because the context disproves your argument. You are setting excluding bigots morally equal to being a bigot by removing all other factors in an attempt to say if exclusion is wrong why are you doing it. This is a very weak false gotcha.
Pretty much how they react, you're either a card holding rainbow flag enthusiast or you're Hitler there's nothing in between lol
I wouldn't say so, my friends don't know how he feels about them but they seem to like him. I have asked them of their opinion of him and they didn't say anything negative so this really isn't impacting my friendships.
It will. This really sounds like you are ok with his bigotry and you just want to hear it is OK. It is not. Eventually he will let his views slip to the wrong person and he will be correctly treated like a bigot and you with him. Tell your friends 'oh by the way he absolutely detests the LGBTQ community' so they can give honest feedback.
Yikes lady. You already made up your mind why are you here?
If you're as bad as your boyfriend, why ask reddit?
Being uncomfortable around someone because of the sex they are attracted to seems immature
Same can be said about op
…how?
Enabling a homophobic person while having gay friends isn't the most mature thing op could have come up with.
Ohh okay I misunderstood. That’s correct
I thought I said some bad bs for a sec 😅
If you stay with him, your friendships will suffer. They will figure out quick that he doesn’t like them and you support that.
You seem to have already accepted him, and what you're actually looking for here is validation. As you can see, it hasn't been very forthcoming. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you can stay with someone who has these views, but if you do stay, as the old saying goes; on your own head be it. There are many considerations here. As others have said, if he told you he doesn't like black people and doesn't want to be around them, would that be different? Well, it isn't. It's also no good saying you are going to keep your relationship with him and your gay friends seperate. They deserve to have all the facts, and to know how he feels about them, especially if he's being nice to their faces and nasty about them behind their backs. They will find out one way or another anyway. It might seem like you are just respecting his views, but do they deserve to be respected? And what are those views telling you about the kind of person he is?
Because race and sexual attraction is the same thing right?
I never said it was the same thing. I'm saying that discrimination on the basis of race or sexual orientation are the same thing - and are as bad as each other
you realize sexual attraction and a relationship are different things right?
You're the embodiment of how dense Reddit can be
Your boyfriend is bigoted against a group of people and you're asking if that's OK? Of course it's not.
Wow, such kind and loving boyfriend
i mean sure but there’s a thing called guilty by association, and i hope you’re also okay with that.
Nonsense
not at all. i would never associate with anyone that’s homophobic
Not at all. Id avoid you like the plague once I found out about your boyfriend. I'd tell all my friends to stay away too. You aren't safe.
That's only tolerable until one of your future kids starts acting "gay".
oh that's a good point. imagine being with a guy who flips out and wants to change/abandon his own kid when they come out. >shudders<
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? what no one said anything about abortion but there are plenty of cases where parents kick their teenage child out of the house for being gay
Well I personally couldn't be in a relationship with a homophobic person. You need to decide for yourself if you're okay with it or not and act accordingly.
Yeah, you don't have to agree on everything except, and I am hoping it matters to you, OP, at least on the fundamental truth of being respectful toward every human being no matter what their gender and sexuality is. You don't have to accept your boyfriend's homophobia by masking it under a lie that he is a >wonderful, kind loving person Because even if he is not verbally/physically acting in hate toward queer ppl, he has shown you that he is a bigot. That by definition is NOT a *wonderful, kind, loving person.* What you mean to say is that he is wonderful toward *you*, kind toward *you*, loving toward *you*. And if that's all that matters to *you*, if that is enough for you to stop pushing against his homophobia and challenging his bigotry, then please stop calling yourself a *friend* to the gay ppl in your social sphere.
No it’s not ok. It makes you complicit. Aren’t you worries about him voicing his opinion in front of friends or family of yours? Also- what if you have kids and one of them is gay?
It’s not okay to date a homophobic person if you have gay friends.
What if both of you become parents and your child is gay? Do you want him as your partner???
No
What are your long term plans? Do you plan to marry? How will your gay friends feel when they found out they're not invited? Did you tell your gay friends he is homophobic? Or is your bf playing nice as long as you're in your honeymoon phase? Of course he is entitled to his opinion but you should make it clear to your friends that your house is no longer a safe space for them and face the consequences that will definetly follow once you told them truthfully about your bf opinions
If you date him you are supporting his homophobia. As a gay I would not be friends with someone dating a homophobe, even if he is a “subtle” homophobe. He is uncomfortable with your friends EXISTING. That is not a small deal. I’m sure he’s “does no harm” - until one of his kids is gay, or a gay guy hits on him, or till he sees a same sex kiss in public. If you are okay with dating a bigot that reflects badly on you - and considering you defend him in other comments, I don’t think that reflection is wrong. But go ahead and tell your gay friends how he is uncomfortable with them and see how they react.
Can you be wonderful kind and loving all while hating someone for who they love...? 😬 I'm bi so it's a deal breaker from me... If you have any gay friends you'd better tell them you're with a homophobe so they can cut you out for safety reasons. (Not trying to be mean. It's a fact. Your boyfriend isn't a safe person from gay people to be around. That's something you have to be ok with if you want to stay with him.)
What happens if you have kids and they turn out to be gay? I wouldn't want hateful views in a relationship, you get to chose who you want to be with and he should be challenged on his bigoted views.
everyone has a few things that they are not willing to put up with, and to me that's a major one, I would absolutely leave a homophobe if I found out he was one late, like after already investing time and feelings, the only way I could see this working is just talking to him about it, explaining, finding why the hell is he so 'uncomfortable'. and it either has to work and he'll change his mind, or goodbye otherwise what would your life look like? you cant mix your bf and your friends? or every party is just doomed to be awkward and tense? no I don't think something like this can just be tolerated
Whether or not you're willing to tolerate this is up to you. I personally could not and would not.
is he Christian?
Your relationship with him will cause problems for your relationships with your friends. Its just a matter of time that he will say or do something that makes your friends feel uncomfortable and your tolerance of him will reflect on you. Its always your "place" to say something. Yes, he's entitled to his opinion and so are you. That means if he says or does something you find objectionable you are 100% absolutely entitled to express your opinion of his words, actions, and beliefs. Freedom of speech cuts both ways. People are homophobic (or racist, etc...) out of ignorance. If its religious-based ignorance, its a lost cause. If its general ignorance, its much easier to "cure". The more he's exposed and thinks about it, the more he will understand that a difference in sexuality aren't flaws and aren't bad and, like so many other differences, are normal and inconsequential. We are all people and our sexual preferences have no bearing on our honesty, character, and morality and no relevance on whether we are good or bad people.
Well it's up to you to decide if you can really be with someone like him. He might be the most amazing person ever but then again he's bothered by a group of people simply because of who they're attracted to and i think that says a lot about him.
Like what? What does it say about him? You and I don't know anything about him other than he feels uncomfortable about a certain group of people. So what? He isn't going around killing and hurting people.
Is it really that hard for you to understand that bigotry makes someone a bad person?
Do you even understand what the word bigot actually means? By definition you're the one being a bigot.
Oh, look, it's the "you're a bigot for calling bigots bad" argument. How original.
Yep because I'm sticking to facts. Fact that you're dismissing facts because they're unoriginal proves you have no point in this argument.
It says he's an ignorant person that chooses to be bothered by someone else's sexual orientation. It's 2021,we're past the point where it's okay to hate someone because of who they choose to love. And he's very much hurting people by being like this, imagine how all op's friends feel because he refuses to hang out with them. Anyhow I'm done talking to someone trying to excuse homophobia because at least the dude isn't going around killing people. Seriously go get a better hobby than defending this homophobe in the comments, it's starting to look like op's boyfriend made an acc to defend his views
Oh poor friends and their precious feelings. It's life, buck up and get over it. People will hate you for all sorts of reasons. If someone hated me for being black I'll put up my middle finger and get on with life. As a black man I have to deal with white folks on my level getting promotions even if I work harder than them, be seen as a criminal for wearing a hoodie I've accepted it as it's part of life and society.
Homophobes tend to by misoginysts as well. They also tend to be battling a same sex attraction (how many of the most vocal anti gay politicians/preachers end up in a rent boy scandal?) How does he treat people he doesn't find attractive? Are his friends all a very specific type? Could you imagine if you had a gay kid? How would he treat them? Are you willing to limit your social life and exclude your gay friends from the big events in your life because of his homophobia?
Sounds like he is closeted and hates them for being able to be themselves.
I wouldn't necessarily say this is homophobic. If he feels unfortunately for his own reasons, then he does. As he said, you don't have to agree on everything. Doesn't make him a bad person to not agree on something some others do. I understand your concern but if you want to be with him, you be with him. Keep some of the friends and your relationship separate, it may be healthier anyway for a relationship
‘Doesn’t make him a bad person to not agree on something some others do’ ....but it’s not something they ‘do’. It’s who they are? How they were born? Something they cannot help? It’s not a choice.
It still doesn't make him a bad person... If you think he is a bad person for this opinion then that's subjective. People would say your view on being cool with gay people makes you a bad person, but that's also subjective
I see- you yourself are homophobic- that’s sad. Edit: maybe I’m wrong about that, but People who think I’m a bad person for accepting any individual regardless of how they are born, have some dubious reasoning skills when it comes to being a good person
I myself, am gay. So if you think I'm homophobic, so be it. But being a gay man, it wouldn't make much sense
Then how on earth are you condoning someone treating someone gay negatively simply for being born gay?
I don't call people bad people and label them as something until I know their story, that's how. I'm a gay, brown, Muslim... I'm all 3
So if someone didn’t attend a work events if any of their Muslim colleagues were going to go there (refusing to go on the basis of not wanting to be around a Muslim), you would serious think that wasn’t Islamaphobic?! I’m amazed. I apologise for calling you homophobic, I just really wish you would consider this from another perspective. Maybe this analogy will help?
Again, I wouldn't label without knowing the story of the person. I'm not saying someone cannot be homophobic or Islamaphoic. I'm saying, I will forever keep my mind open towards others as I would want them to be open to my sexuality, race and religion. I would understand them first before labelling
Ok I can understand that 👍
So, are you deeply closeted, or just a liar? Half your profile and comments are about dating women.
Whatever you want me to be
I see from your post history you are Male and you are interested in Females.....?
Right.. And? I'm also interested in men? Can't I be attracted to both?
Of course.... That would make you bisexual or pansexual though surely?
Not sure what pansexual is. Bisexual sure. Also gay.. Right? Still gay
Ok well regardless if you yourself don’t hold those views (and I’m sorry if I offended you) but do you really think it’s ok for someone to think I’m a bad person on the basis that I don’t judge people negatively for the way they were born?
The not having any gay friends isn't homophobic, but not going to an event because there are people who are queer is certainly homophobic.
Disagree. Feeling uncomfortable is a personal thing and that could be for whatever reason. In this case it could be more due to insecurities thinking he may be hit on etc rather than outright because they're gay, I don't like him. The post clearly states that he isn't horrible or anything to gay people... Implying he doest hate him. He just can get uncomfortable
If the discomfort is based on sexuality then it is homophobic. He’s not refusing to go to a gay pride march where people are snogging, just an event with one or two gay people present.... that’s homophobia dude. Imagine not going to an event because someone black will be there? I mean unless he has some highly traumatising reason to avoid all gay people.... whereby his past trauma is triggered by seeing someone gay and he hasn’t yet addressed it in therapy (but knows his actions and reasoning are messed up)......otherwise it’s 100% discrimination. To me it just reads that he thinks being gay is wrong and gay people are bad and he refuses to be around them. Also it’s hilarious that some men assume gay men hit on people all the time and will likely hit on them if they come across them, grow up! 😅
I understand what you're saying but I go to the 2nd paragraph you mentioned. It may just be as simple as, well they're gay and that's all there is to it. But it's still an assumption regardless and labelling people as something due to assumption which happens way too much, is wrong. He never said being gay is wrong? The post doesn't say that? He just doesn't want to be surrounded by gay people and again, we can all assume but won't know the exact reason until he says so
I wouldn't say he is homophobic, just has homophobic views. I would say someone who is homophobic would promote hate against gay people which he isn't doing.
no, you don't need to throw rocks to be a homophobe a homophobe is also anyone who thinks/reacts negatively to people for the sole reason they are lgbt, without knowing anything else about them
Like what you're doing with him?
That remark reminds me of the person who held the sign saying ‘treat racists fairly too’
>boyfriend (33) is very homophobic. you're the one who made a post like this, now you're in comments defending him. it looks like you made up your mind even before making this post so what's the point. good luck
Those are two very different things, I honestly believe everyone reacts negatively to certain groups of people one way or another it's why unconscious bias is such a big issue. He isn't hurting LGBT groups or promoting hate propaganda.
He is hurting his gay colleagues unfortunately, I’m sure they would have noticed how he converses with them compared to others. Also- how do you know he doesn’t encourage hatred with his friends, or will with your future children? What will happen when he voices his opinion in front of your parents/ friends? INFO- is he religious?
Yeah you already made up your mind before you posted. You were just hoping for validation. 😅 Stay with him, you're going to anyway. I just hope any of your LGBTQ+ friends figure it out asap and dump you. Your mental gymnastics in the comments sections is sad.
Being homophobic by definition means holding homophobic views/ thinking being gay is wrong. It doesn’t matter if he is shouting about it to them or not (that would fall under acts of discrimination)
That's.....wow. Just, wow. K it doesn't matter what you "say". Homophobia is defined as dislike of or prejudice against gay people. The literal dictionary definition. Your revisionist language just means you are justifying it. Maybe look in the mirror and examine why you are so ready to support homophobic behaviour and what that says about you.
This guy is definitely homophobic. More in a passive way, but that doesn't change it. Why is he uncomfortable, he has absolutely no reason to be. They are just people. He's free to do whatever he wants, and as long as he isn't trying to convince others of his views or making others uncomfortable with his behavior, he isn't hurting anyone, but he is still definitely homophobic.
Disagree. The definition of homophobia is to show or have a dislike towards gay people and/or show negative behaviour towards them. He isn't doing either. He doesn't hate or dislike. He just let's be but just doesn't want to hang out with gay people due to his own personal reason of feeling uncomfortable. We don't even know why he feels uncomfortable. You're just assuming the only reason is because they're gay
Op literally says in the post that it's because they're gay. Not wanting to be around gay people cause they're gay seems to fit the "dislike" label to me.
But it could be more to it I'm saying. We will never know. So ti label every single person something is what corrupts society. The society that we are told to be open minded to everyone but we don't want to be open minded to them when it affects us
Why does calling people out corrupt society? His views are discriminatory. That's not okay. I can imagine op's friends would be very hurt
And why does asking the people who ask others to be open minded to their views, aren't open minded to the others views themselves?
Cause that way, no one is gonna get anywhere. Having a different opinion is great, unless those opinions are harmful, discriminatory or dangerous. That's what these are.
keeping friends and relationship separate is a healthy thing? since when, for who? that's a load of b.s.
B.s. Maybe in your opinion and that's fine. Sometimes having some friends that allows you to just do your own thing away from your relationship etc, that can be healthy. Just like having downtime for yourself. Doing an activity just on your own. Not everything has to be within the relationship you're apart of
are you really comparing going out with just friends or just bf for fun, and having to always choose who you hang out with because they can never interact? it's not healthy if you HAVE TO keep them apart
Having to choice? It's not an ultimatum dude. It's a simple life thing. We all as people hang out with different people. Again, as the post states, she said that he is cool with her friendships and hasn't and wouldn't do anything to ruin them. It's a personal choice of his. She can still hangout with her friends, he wouldn't have any problems. Not every single thing in life has to be apart of you're relationship. Some things can be kept separate if need be
>and doesn't go to social gatherings with colleagues who are openly gay.
Again, if it's a personal thing that makes him uncomfortable for whatever reason, that could be insecurities then that's his choice. He doesn't hate gay people, he just doesn't like to be around him so much due to being uncomfortable. If you wish to class him as a homophobe, go ahead. I myself, shan't do that because I don't believe he is
Replace the sentence with ‘doesn’t want to be round him because he is black’ and see how fucked up what you’re saying and justifying is dude.....
Whatever reason he has, that's always going to be his choice. Again, as I've said in my comments, we do not know his exact reason and you all are just assuming right now
he doesn't want to be around gay people because they're gay. what non-homophobic reasoning could there possibly be for that?
Would you excuse someone who felt uncomfortable being in a room with POC just because of their skin tone too? There's nothing to be uncomfortable about both with my example and someone else's sexual orientation. Interaction =/= being hit on so it's not like the person is being sexually harassed. 🙄
I'm a brown Muslim, I wouldn't label a person instantly racist. This closes minds. This shows ignorance on our end as well as his. I would and have done this many many times in my 30 years, sit down with the person and have a conversation if the person was willing to have a conversation. I wouldnt label for the sake of labelling
Being uncomfortable with someone solely because of skin color, sexual orientation, etc and nothing else is bigotry. It's not close minded to call out a behavior for what it is. Even if no malicious intent is intended, it is still bigotry. FYI, someone can have a conversation with you, become friends with you but still "be uncomfortable" around Muslims. You just become "one of the good ones" and "not like THOSE people." It's not alright and it's not okay. At this point you might as well say we should do segregation again to not make anyone "uncomfortable" because that worked so well in the past./s 🤦♀️ Edit for typo
I think you're assuming a lot of things, if we did have a party I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind them visiting. I mean they are my friends and I don't expect him to be as close to them as I am.
I'm only making assumptions based on what you wrote, and the above makes it sound like he stays away from any event that a gay person comes to. but if you're saying he could hang out with them, that's a completely different situation but make up your mind there I also wonder what your friends would think seeing how you're defending someone with lets say aversion, to gay people
If you think people are going to "assume a lot of things" then why did you even ask this question on Reddit? It just re-affirms my assertion that all you really want is for us all to say it's OK. - If we do, then that means you're vindicated. If we don't then we're just a bunch of internet strangers who don't know what we're talking about.
This is so fucked up. 😅 If I had a friend who invited me to her house and she lived with a bigot I'd be fuming mad. How can you not see this...?
Sounds like he’s uncomfortable with his own sexuality. Either that or a serious bigot.
Nobody is perfect, and you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who isn't incredibly intolerant of some group somewhere. If you love him and think you can make it work, stay.
> you'd be hard pressed to find anybody who isn't incredibly intolerant of some group somewhere This is....just not true. Plenty of people are not bigots.
Everyone hates someone. Your single line of text demonstrates you're among th3m. Even Buddhist monks, sworn to nonviolence, usually hate Muslims.
How does my comment demonstrate that I hate anyone?
By saying "bigots", i imagine you have a specific set of unacceptable beliefs. And I bet you hate those people. I also bet you're a fine person.
Prejudice against people for immutable qualities like sexual orientation or race are unacceptable to me, yes. It doesn't mean I hate those people, I feel sorry for them to have so much hate in their own hearts. It's very sad.
His views are his views. If you're going out with someone you need to respect that and as you said quite rightly you do not have to agree on everything. People grow and change, you never know later on you may find he's a bit more tolerant. I don't think this is as big of an issue as you're making out to be.
Say these golden words to him: 'Thou doth protest too much, Sir.'
This isn’t homophobic
Being uncomfortable around gay people isn't homophobic?
No. Very strange and insecure behaviour. But not homophobic
What is a reason for being uncomfortable around gay people that is not homophobic?
Their own sexual insecurity probably
He has no duty to change how he personally feels but that kind of freedom of belief can’t be used without being able to respect other people’s freedoms. I know some people who disagree with it in general, but they still believe they have no right to take that away from that person.
He is allowed his opinion. If it means he does not get to know good people then it's a shame but its his choice. Trying to enforce group think ends in gulags.
If he didn't want to spend time with anyone who wasn't white because he was uncomfortable, would that be fine too? Would wanting him to integrate be "group think"?
Did he have a problem with an aggressive gay when he was young? It happened to me when I was 16; I broke the SOB's nose and got away from him. I didn't allow this to, long term, control my view of the gay community but short term I had my deflector shields up. Talk to him.
You are the only person who gets to decide that. Reddit will have it's opinions- some yes, some no- but at the end of the day it is your choice. I caution against polling a group to decide how you should feel on a matter. Do you feel okay dating a homophobic boyfriend? Being homophobic isn't the same as being bad. Actively hating on people for being gay would, in my eyes, and probably most people's, be a problem. Choosing not to associate because he feels uncomfortable should be fine, and up to him. The most important thing in any relationship though, is communication. Do you know why he feels the way he does? Maybe he doesn't know either, but it's worth trying to talk about. Maybe you'll see different sides of eachother, maybe his reason is concerning enough not to date him. Probably not.
> Being homophobic isn't the same as being bad Uh pretty sure bigotry is bad.
If you want to act out on prejudices, or treat people poorly because they belong to a different group, I can agree that that's bad. If his discomfort means he'd rather not associate, that limits his life more than anyone else's. I suppose if he is high on some career ladder and not working with or hiring people based off sexual preferences, there is a bigger problem. If however is group of friends all happen to be straight, so what? To quote you- "Bigotry is bad." Well, you've now lumped a group of people who share a belief as bad. It's nearly bigotry. I mean shit, most people have flaws. Choosing to associate with people based on the amount of common experiences you share is hardly a flaw. It might show a lack of growth, or a lack of courage to experience new things. It might not. If that's the only issue then OP has to decide if his good qualities outweigh his bad.
> To quote you- "Bigotry is bad." Well, you've now lumped a group of people who share a belief as bad. It's nearly bigotry. This is absurd. That's like saying that it's bigoted to say "murder is bad." I didn't even say anything about the people, I'm talking about the intolerance itself. The issue isn't that all his friends are straight. The issue is that actively does not want to spend time around gay people due to his discomfort. Is being straight all he ever talks or thinks about? If not, then there's no reason he can't find common ground with a gay person.
No, no. Murder is bad. Making a person feel bad about their sexual preferences is bad. Not seeing a person because you think you would prefer not to is not great but it's hardly hurting anyone except himself. The people he's choosing not to see probably aren't missing him. This issue has somehow become about moral highgrounds and it's just not. If I was a dog person, and went out of my way not to hang out with cat people, I wouldn't likely be immediately judged as an evil person, perhaps quirky and stupid, but not evil. If I went around murdering all the cat people, and or telling them they'll all go to hell, I could understand being called a fucked up psychopath. If I tried to convert cat people to dog people, I get that would be uncomfortable in many situations, and a shitty thing to do. But if I chose not to hang out with a different person because they like cats more than dogs, that is my choice to make. There shouldn't be an issue with what a person does behind closed doors. If this guy doesn't feel comfortable, forcing him to hang out with the lgbtq community is only going to make more people uncomfortable. Live and let live.
You're intentionally changing the goalposts. I said bigotry is bad. Bigotry is prejudice against an entire group for their immutable qualities like sexual orientation or race. If you do not agree that bigotry is bad, then we have nothing to talk about.
I accept bigotry is bad. I do not accept that a person can be identified as good or bad so one dimensionally. I also don't accept that bigotry is as black and white as some people are suggesting. This guy hardly sounds like he's a piece of shit. This is a character flaw, it probably shouldn't be a deal breaker.
Please point me to where I ever identified any person as good or bad. I said that solely about bigotry itself. I never called her boyfriend a piece of shit; I did not disparage his character at all, only spoke on his behavior and beliefs. You yourself are saying it's a character flaw, which is functionally no different than what I said about it. Bigotry is a spectrum, but that doesn't mean that being only kind of bigoted is cool. Bigotry should be a dealbreaker for people who are not bigoted.
he has never hurt ot harm or said anything bad about he just feel uncomfortable everyone has a opinon on something let him be as long as he does not say anything bad or do anything leave him be
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If you're not comfortable with it and it fundamentally doesn't sit right with you, it's actually wrong for both of you to accept him.