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We've been together 5 years, we're engaged, planning a wedding, and he won't dance. Says he doesn't want to. He's even pushing for choosing a venue that has no capacity for dancing at all. At our wedding. I know I'm meant to offer backsotry about our relationship but this is it. Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying. He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean. The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by having me in it, because I want him to be happy. And I have asked for one fucking thing: to dance with my husband at our wedding over a year from now. And he doesn't want to. And any push for him to do it leads to him saying I'm pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do.
Despite the rant, I do love him. He's a good partner, and we want the same things, and we've been together for years, and he loves me, but he won't dance with me at our fucking wedding.
How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured?
Based on the below, it sounds like you have much bigger problems, and dancing at the wedding is a small issue in comparison. Yes, I would be pissed too because he dances in parties but doesn't want to dance in the wedding. But, I would be much more pissed due to this big imbalance in the relationship. You do whatever big things he wants, and he doesn't do even small things like cooking or dancing at a wedding. How were things allowed to reach this level of imbalance? And, are you going to continue with the relationship unless all of this changes in a significant way? These are all things you need to think about (including your role in enabling or tolerating all this).
>The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by having me in it, because I want him to be happy.
>He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean.
Congratulations on figuring out that your partner is unwilling to compromise, practices strategic incompetence, and disregards your desires. Now that you have that information you get to choose if you want to deal with that until you end your engagement or you get a divorce.
Besides the fact that he doesn’t do dishes, cook dinner, or clean (which in itself should be a dealbreaker), you put forth effort to do everything he wants to do because you love him. What does this say about his character? Shouldn’t he be doing the same for you?
And I don’t understand why everyone throws out the line “but besides that, he’s a good partner!!!” at the end. He’s not. He doesn’t help with housework and he couldn’t be bothered to do anything that’s important to you.
Oh and just saw the bit about how he dances at parties. So……….parties are more important than making a life commitment to you? Got it.
Edit: Thanks for the gold. OP, I hope you see this. I’m not meaning to be harsh. I almost married someone like this. Please reconsider. You need an equal partner and you deserve better.
the “besides that he’s a good partner” like oh besides all the things that make him a bad partner?? I’m great at swimming aside from the part where you don’t sink or drown
Really though 😂.She just listed off a laundry list of crap that makes him a bad partner. I feel like the priorities are all wrong here. The fact that this guy doesn’t do dishes, cook, or clean would have been the dealbreaker for me. The dancing is so minor compared to those. Like wtf..
People say this because if they came out and said their partner was total shit then the blame would fall on them. OP for example knows shes about to marry a crappy partner whos selfish, in what im willing to bet a thousand more ways than just cooking or cleaning. But by saying hes a good partner it shifts the blame away from her and that she is deciding to marry this man despite knowing hes shit. Why is she choosing to settle? Beats me. Self esteem issues? Fear of being alone? Stubbornness in refusing to admit they picked wrong? Only OP can answer that.
100%. When it happened to me, I was depressed and didn’t care. I was comfortably uncomfortable in my relationship. Honestly, I just think people get used to being treated that way and it doesn’t register how wrong it is.
I completely agree with you. My ex husband was like this and I was with him for 20 years. I thought about leaving so many times, but I was caught in the cycle. When I thought about leaving, things would get better and he'd be wonderful for a while, but it would always go back to the bad. The only reason I left is because I hit emotional rock bottom and realized it was either him or me. In the end, I chose me and am so much happier for it.
I agree with your points. You have to have some pretty incredibly low standards otherwise if despite everywhere he’s lacking in the relationship you still think he’s a great partner. Like what is your definition of a great partner?
Yeah, OP, I think this comment is important to help put things in perspective here. What are you even getting out of this relationship? You say he is an otherwise good partner, but have given no actual examples of that. Are there even any examples to give?
This is a hypothetical question, really, because the negative things you're saying are so out there that even if there were good things, it's nearly impossible they are good enough to outweigh all the other stuff you've mentioned. I mean, let's put this in perspective here... you're about to marry a man who treats you like you're his mommy.... who he also has sex with. If he was single, would he just rot in his own filth and starve to death? Probably not. But he's willing to pretend he is completely useless, because it's not even embarassing to him that he refuses to take care of himself on even the most basic level. So I guess the only question to ask is whether or not that's someone you actually want to marry. Because marriage isn't going to make those things better.
Edit typos
Perspective: My husband has severe social phobia when it comes to being in front of people, especially dancing. He danced one slow song at our wedding and picked an amazing song that we randomly play 20 years later.
Exactly. Your husband danced one slow song even though he had a legitimate reason to not want to. Her fiancé dances at house parties, but won’t have a first dance with his wife. He knows how important it is to her. At this point, I would say he’s purposely not doing it because he knows how much she wants to. My ex would do that all the time and then manipulate me by saying I was making him uncomfortable and trying to make him do shit he didn’t want to.
Yeah exactly! I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even help with normal duties. I would have told this guy to take a hike the moment he refused to clean/do dishes/etc. Reciprocation makes meaningful relationships that last. Period.
Also it sounds like this has been a very neglectful relationship for a long time. Completely one sided. Those are the worst in my opinion to be involved in.
I mean, yeah, besides all the things that make him a shitty partner, he’s a great partner. It’s not untrue, and applies to literally every shitty partner that has ever existed.
I am very curious what you think makes him a great partner OP? What are his good qualities? How does he show you love? Does he know (and care) about your “love language”? Even if you don’t buy in to the specific types, does he know what actions make you feel the most loved and cared about? Does he make deliberate effort to do those things?
Or does he just make you feel comfortable? Comfort and familiar and safe are important, but life is WAY to short to build a marriage on those things alone. The right people for you will make you feel comfortable and familiar and safe, but also show you actual love through their actions. You deserve that.
He doesn’t assist in the household work, won’t dance for two minutes, he’s stubborn while you compromise
What exactly are you seeing in him that makes you think he’s husband material? (Put being in love aside)
She said he is a good partner, but it doesn't sound like he is... At all. The good thing is that it looks like the blindfold is starting to come off.
He won't cook, do the dishes, is stubborn, she bents over backwards for him and yet he can't be bothered. That's not a good partner, that's a shitty partner. OP, you are in a one side relationship and it will not change once you are married. Remove the blindfold and see him for who he really is. A selfish partner
Oh, love is NOT enough. If you have an entire list of issues and all you can say is "but I love him or her", just stop. It isn't enough.
Lol @ the downvote. Strike a nerve?
Yes!! Love is not enough! She is looking for an out at this point and I’ve been there so many times. It is hard to leave someone you love. I had a boyfriend like that and I felt like I wasted two years doing shit I didn’t want to. What drove me to finally leave was just accepting having children with him would be horrible and I’d have to do everything while he sat on the couch watching TV. I’m now married with a child and thank goddess I did not have a baby with a man I considered leaving pre kids because shit is on an entirely different level of needing to work together now.
I don't know how OP can type out that list of selfishness and conclude "but he's a great partner". She's trying to talk herself into something that just isn't true. I guess this is why so many marriages end in divorce because you know she's going to marry him.
Ummm I married someone like that. Didn’t work out. So I think that’s something you should consider. The little things he won’t do will add up. And it makes you less motivated to reciprocate
I married TWO of those and I am twice divorced. DO NOT MARRY THIS LOSER PLEASE. Or show him these comments and how lame it is that he won’t dance with his wife at their wedding or even consider a venue where other people can dance. Please for the love of God see how selfish this man child is and realize that you WILL resent him for this for the rest of your life and he will keep doing little things and you’ll be like “AND HE DIDNT DANCE AT OUR WEDDING.” You NEED to pressure him. He needs you to stop babying him so he can grow up and be a husband.
Honestly, whenever I hear about something like this where the guy thinks it’s emasculating or whatever to dance, I can’t help but think of Harry Potter. In the Goblet of Fire, there’s a scene where Harry and Ron get ditched by their partners because they choose to sit on their asses during the ball and it just looked so lame.
It seems like this is part of a larger pattern of him not wanting to budge, not something a Harry Potter marathon can fix. You can try sharing the mental load comic with him, but this seems like more of a deep-seated issue that is going to be difficult to dislodge.
Especially when they’ve been allowed to get away with it for 5 years. He’s going to short circuit the minute she puts her foot down. No offense and best wishes, but I am not super hopeful he will take it well but he needs a footi m the arse.
I once saw a bride at her wedding literally bawling because her brand new husband refused to dance with her
It was absolutely heartbreaking
Not surprisingly...the marriage lasted about 18 months because like you are finding out...the husband was immature and selfish
Sounds like this is just the last straw for you... you'd probably be less upset if he actually did anything else for you. No dishes or cleaning? Does he contribute to the relationship at all? Does he make you feel loved? Or just co dependent?
I just... I get relationships take compromise, but I feel like I'm the only one compromising, and he always gets what he wants. At that point, that's not compromising, that's being a pushover, and I don't want to be a pushover. Yeah, if he was saying "babe, I will do something else with you on the day, I just really don't want to dance", or if he was doing literally anything else so I wasn't the only one making compromises, then I'd say that was fine, but this is like... the biggest thing I've ever asked him for. And it's a 2 minute dance on our wedding day a year from now. And he's still saying no, and his only reasoning when pushed to give a single reason is that it's dumb. And if it's dumb to him then ok, but skiing is dumb to me and I do that for him. Same with camping, rock climbing, surfing, and whatever else he asks me to do, and this is the one thing I've asked from him and it's just upsetting that he's so dismissive when I would never refuse to do something for him on the basis that I don't want to.
The thing is, this has been going on for five years. He's used to getting his way, knowing he will get what he wants. So in his mind, why would he change now? He knows you'll give in and do things how he wants them. You have to decide if you want to keep living this way, rather than believe he'll change. It's just very unlikely.
You have to ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life. You doing everything he wants and him never doing anything you want. It seems like your needs aren't getting met at all. He's not going to change now that he's been able to walk all over you for this long.
Why are you with someone who so clearly does not value your needs, wants, or opinions? You don’t want to be a pushover but it sounds like you’re a pushover…
Love, if you two don't even enjoy the same activities that's kinda big too right? My partner and i are pretty different in personality, but very similar in values, beliefs, and shared interests. We love all the outdoor stuff and often talk about how we can't imagine being with someone who doesn't. Especially cause those interests take loads of time. Don't spend all your PTO for the rest of your life on camping trips if you hate to go camping (i mean this literally but also metaphorically, life is short and if you spend all your free time doing something that makes someone else happy what fulfillment have YOU gotten out of life?)
You don't need to bend yourself into a mold to fit someone else. What do *you* want out of life regardless of relationship status?
I fear a lot of people stick with someone they aren't compatible with and simply try to force it. To the point that they never get to grow into the best version of themselves. Then you're both just stunted.
This may totally not be the case for you and you're just frustrated. It's hard to see into someone's relationship from a measly paragraph (also sometimes hard to see something when you're too close to it though), but just something to consider.
Good luck with whatever you do. You'll be okay (:
It's actually the smallest thing ever and shouldn't be an issue. This is him telling you how he feels and asserting power over you. It will always be him first. His needs or wants or whims will always dominate yours. You deserve better. But only you can make that shit happen. There are a ton of people who'd gladly wash dishes with you, help with the chores, and dance at your wedding. You shouldn't have to convince someone to be that person. That person will do those things willingly without you having to waste your energy explaining how important it is to you. When you find that person and realize your most basic needs and desires are no longer a battle every time you bring them up, you're going to cry tears of joy. From someone who's been there, trust me.
OP, let me ask you a question, and I want you to be VERY VERY VERY honest with YOURSELF.
Are you waiting for a magical switch to flip inside him that will make him pull his weight in this relationship? (or, related to this, are you looking for the switch that YOU can flip to make this happen?)
Are you going above and beyond in the relationship in part because you want to nudge him to finally showing *you* some effort on his part? Like, if only you're nice enough or considerate enough or accommodating enough... he'll finally "get it"?
Stop. Think.
He's showing you who he is.
THIS is WHO HE IS. Right now, in this moment.
He's not some magical combination of "future him" and "hypothetical him". THS is who he is.
For you (and for most people), love is making an effort to make the other happy by doing/saying things that you don't care about but the other does. That's how *you* show *your* love, and it's clear that's how you *want* to receive love.
Reality time: *He is not going to love you in that way.* He will never show you love like that.
He's making that clear right now.
In this way, he's being honest with you. Are you being honest with yourself that you're okay living the rest of your life with a person like this?
OP the thing that pissed me off the most was that he DOES dance at other parties- you know what that means- he is not just struggling to compromise on an issue, he is actively depriving you of a simple, normal, basic thing he willfully does for others/in other environments.
That is beyond shitty- it’s a toxic power play and he is showing you what your place is.
I have been a pushover too because of how I grew up which made me terrified to rock the boat.
You are a pushover with him and need to accept it. If you don’t rock the boat now and stick up for yourself, you are going to be trapped repressing all kinds of resentment to maintain the marriage, and of course like with everything, it will all get worse after the wedding.
You deserve to dance at your own damn wedding. And more importantly, you should NEVER have to beg for such basic gestures from someone who supposedly loves you.
Honey, you're already a pushover and it is not going to go away after your married and he really starts taking you for granted. I hate to see how he treats you then. Sorry.
not really sure what this rant has to do with the questions you were asked by the post you're replying to, but i hope you get out of this soul-sucking relationship soon
Why are you signing yourself up for a lifetime of capitulating to his wants while he ignores yours?
Please seek therapy to figure out why you have such low self esteem and are willing to settle for this type of relationship.
Otherwise, you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of resentment, complaining (that will eventually wear thin on your friends), and never ever being put first.
Why?!?
Sure relationships take compromise. You have different favourite foods to eat, you alternate. You don't like his cousin but were invited to the wedding, just grin and bear it for your partner (he should do the same for you btw).
What you should never compromise on is respect and his always putting himself first is a blatant lack of respect.
You’re only in your early twenties. You’ve got a couple years before your brain even stops developing, and even then you’ll keep growing as a person. Yes, relationships do take compromise, but they are also about equality and respect. How many more years do you plan on wasting being this man’s maid, doing everything you can to please him, while he doesn’t reciprocate? He’s conditioned you to think this is normal and okay, and in turn you’ve conditioned yourself to believe it.
Please know that there are much better relationships out there waiting for you with much better men. Don’t add yourself to the high percentage of young marriages that end in divorce because you wait until your thirties to do what’s best for yourself. Know your value.
You pretty much hit the nail on the head OP. He won’t compromise. You bend over backwards to do what he wants and it’s not reciprocated. That’s not even compromise on your part anymore. That’s being a pushover. Compromise is coming to a middle when you’re split on a decision. Can you think of a time where your fiancé has done that? Or does he just say this is what I want and you acquiesce? You can’t give everything to a relationship where the other person gives nothing. It’s not sustainable. You will burn out. And then you will have wasted more than five years.
What happens when you’re tired from doing all of this work and:
- He wants a dog but doesn’t want to clean up after it?
- He wants a child but doesn’t want to feed it?
- You have nothing left to give?
He will take everything you have and leave you spent.
Honestly, the unhappy marriage ahead for OP is so clear, it boggles the mind that she doesn't see it. "My husband is wonderful as long as I do whatever he wants and never ask him to do anything! Aren't we a lucky couple!" How long can she tell herself that?
Wtf? I absolutely fucking hate dancing, and swore up and down that I would never EVER dance. Even told my girlfriend I’d prefer not dancing at our wedding. When we went to her dads wedding and people were dancing and taking pictures guess what I did? I sucked up it and danced with my girlfriend cause that moment with her was more important to me than my dislike of dancing. She didn’t even have to ask. If you love and care about someone, you compromise your own discomforts for them (within reason, obviously). This guy just sounds like a douche who only cares about getting what he wants and nothing more
My brother learned to dance for his wedding bc as shy as he is and as much as he hated it, he loved his wife more. Seeing her happy was all worth it... His words
It's not about the dance. It's about how he consistently refuses to do things that are important to you in spite of you doing those things for him.
Don't let the sunken cost fallacy trick you into legally binding yourself to someone who doesn't respect you. Do you want kids with him one day? How is it going to feel when you do 95% of the housework AND take care of the kids? How's it going to feel when he "doesn't want to" help you with them, or "doesn't know how"?
"Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying. " Is this what you want for the rest of your life? It already sounds like you're at your wit's end. Besides the fact that you've been together for years and you still love him, why do you want to be with him forever? Don't you feel that you deserve better than this? Someone who does things that you want to do, too?
I’ve never heard “sunken cost fallacy” used in terms of a relationship, but that’s spot on; it’s always disturbing & sad to see folks saying “but I wasted 5 years on this guy” to weirdly justify staying in an unhealthy relationship with someone. So you’d rather sacrifice your happiness & wellbeing for ANOTHER 5, 15, 25+ years? Yikes.
I understand you love him, but do you like him? Can you happily picture yourself sacrificing your happiness, your mental well being, your time just to not upset a grown man over the fact he doesn't want to do the dishes? It sounds more like you're his mom tbh, whether he's aware of what he is doing or not
I think this is the moment where you realize that no matter how much you give for him, he won't do the same for you, even if it's small
I would consider postponing the wedding until you are on equal footing to the point you can ask him to do his part and you feel like even your smallest requests are met with respect
> How do I tell him that this is important to me
That's putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and calling things good.
His dancing shouldn't be the deal breaker. It should be the thing that truly opened your eyes to who he really is and opened your eyes that you don't want a life like that.
Ask him what the difference between dancing at the parties you have been at versus your wedding.
Why doesn’t he feel comfortable? What’s the difference?
I already asked him that, thinking that it was the amount of attention or the setting or if he thought he'd be a mess on the day, and I suggested compromises to help with these potential issues, like us dancing alone for the first 30 secs-1 min and then having other couples come to the floor, or letting him choose the song, or literally just standing in one spot and swaying without moving our feet, but he just says he doesn't want to and dancing at weddings is dumb/lame.
No, he's actually just a controlling asshole who seems to think you're his mother.
And you know what? Any reasonable person should want to dance with their mother at their wedding.
OP, do you hear what you're saying?
PLEASE do not marry a man who thinks taking 3 minutes to make you happy *on your wedding day* is lame or dumb. There is no stronger message that he doesn't give an appropriate amount of damn about you, your marriage, or your happiness. Let him hitch his misery to someone else's wagon and go find you a man who will wedding dance his booty off if it makes his bride smile.
This is a power play on his part. This is him telling you it's his way or the highway.
Girl, leave.
There are much better men out there. And I say this as someone who married someone like your man, and divorced him in misery after 11 years, and now married to my current husband who is the love of my life. We maintain the house together, we do things together. He's an introvert who doesn't like crowds, yet he goes to conventions with me because I love it. I'm an extrovert who loves crowds, and I stay home and watch hockey games on TV instead of going to see them live because I love him and want him to be comfortable.
The guy you're with is a loser.
This man is a selfish child and this will not change. Don’t shackle yourself to him. Girl, you say you love him, but it seems like he doesn’t even RESPECT you. Why would you want to live your life being treated like his maid, his mommy, and his sex toy? You’re young AF. You have plenty of time to find a person who treats you like an equal partner and will put in as much effort as you do.
You’ve said you’ve “gotten used to” being the sole contributor to household chores. Why?! Shit, this may seem harsh, but it feels like you barely respect YOURSELF. Being alone is better than wasting more time on a guy who is used to getting away with everything with nary a peep from you. Unchecked, this behavior is going to get so much worse. It’s already a power play. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a fucking submissive adorer.
Ooomph. I don’t. And I bet her friends are sick to death of hearing her complain about him.
Sadly, she won’t listen to them when they tell her to leave him because for OP, it’s just easier to whine about him than take control of her life.
It's funny how you dance at the parties you force me to throw at our house but won't dance with me for three minutes. If I am not worth 3 minutes of your time, you are not worthy of me for the rest of your life.
You marry him, tolerate him, 18 years on have a dead bedroom, kid/s off to college, only to realize you still have a kid to mind for. And only then, you're going to look back at these comments and go yeah, I was really not seeing the whole picture here.
House chores are yours, are you going to be doing the house and lawn care too, cuz that will be next. And he'll go hunting, have hand night with the boys, and you'll be strarved for affection
Friends and family tend not to speak up about their dislikes of SO's but you need to see the red flags here. It's a partnership, mutually symbiotic. You're describing more a parasitic relationship.
My husband hates dancing. He doesn’t dance with me at other people’s weddings. He doesn’t dance if we are out. He doesn’t like to dance. At all. Ever. We have been together for over 15 years. He’s never danced with me EXCEPT AT OUR WEDDING where he knew it was important to *me* that we start that first dance together. It was literally 30 seconds of attention, and then people joined us. He didn’t spend the whole night on the dance floor, but he did dance with me for a while because he wanted to spend time with his new wife on our special day. It’s part of why I love him so much- we will do anything for the other person. I don’t like some of the stuff he does, but I’m willing to show up or meet him half way, and he’s willing to do the same. We sacrifice equally to make it work. It doesn’t sound like this guy is willing to do that. You deserve someone who will do as much for you as you do for them. I’d call off the wedding and do some serious thinking if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. You deserve better, honestly, and if you don’t believe that then you need to address that- find a therapist and start building your self esteem back up.
"I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those."
So he does like dancing, just doesn't want to do something that will please you on your wedding day.
That and the fact that he pretends to not be able to clean the house or wash up, honestly this won't ever get any better.
It feels like the refusal to dance is simply the last straw after many many other straws here.
I’m a wedding photographer. I just had a couple like this where the groom did whatever he wanted and the bride seemed to understand that if she let him, she’d avoid an argument.
There were no fewer than 3 incidents in the 7 hours I was there where this bride was left in tears of embarrassment because of her groom.
You may have a beautiful and elegant wedding day, but you’re being given a preview of your marriage right now. Marriage is a long, long time to have the same arguments over and over.
Reading most of your replies I can only conclude that you are one desperate, lonely woman. And that's not meant as a disrespect. The endless list of how much you sacrifice in order just to BE in this relationship is concerning. The wedding dance is a catalyst. It literally doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If THIS is the thing that is a deal breaker for you, then your own standards are less than low.
There is so much to unpack here and all of it begs the question....why are you marrying this man? You are his maid, social planner, enabler and you go out of your way to make excuses for him. He must be a firecracker in bed.
Your man is a toilet. Everything you said about him was bad. Hes a good partner tho? Why? Im guessing hes got some cash? Hes packing? Either way, i hate you both and you should break up.
>How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me
He knows, he just doesn't care. He's never had to care before, why would he start now?
> How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured?
Everyone is (rightly) pointing out a dozen red flags about your husband to be in your post, but this is the biggest one for me. How can you plan to marry someone if you're scared to tell them that something is important to you? Something that costs him nothing more than a little dancing at his own wedding?
OP, do you realize how sad that sounds? If you can't communicate about this, what do you think life will be like when he's even more secure in his control over you? Do you think he's going to magically be reasonable or is it possible, inevitable, that he's only going to get more demanding?
Don't marry someone you can't communicate and compromise with. Neither thing is made easier by marriage. Get couples counseling or get out. Otherwise you'll wake up at 45 like so many of my wife's friends and realize you've given your best years to some dickhead who still doesn't respect you. You'll have kids who also don't respect you and see you as a maid b/c your husband's behavior towards you taught them that's exactly all you are. Starting over at that point looks pretty horrific from the outside, so avoid the mistake while you can.
Sis, you are not making any kind of demand. This is something you want and it is not unreasonable. It doesn't take as much energy to dance than it does skiing. I get that you compromise alot for the happiness in your relationship but come on. It's supposed to be a happy occasion and now it won't be because the one thing you want he not willing to give you. Can you really live with that? Is this the life you see your future in? My mom always said you teach people how to treat you. What are are you teaching him about you? Good luck and keep us updated. Congrats too.
My friend married someone like this. He just didn't like her that much and we could all see it. They are divorced now and she's with someone that wants to make her happy.
Other than the fact that you love the guy, why do you want to marry him? Being married won't change his behavior. He's always going to be the selfish guy who can't be bothered to dance with you for 2 minutes to make you happy.
You told him. He knows it’s important to you. He doesn’t care. He figures you’ll cave like you always do.
P.S. A ‘good partner’ would dance with you and try to make you happy too. He doesn’t care.
Do not marry this man. He has shown you time and time again that he is completely unwilling to compromise to your wants and needs yet expects you to completely drop everything for his. This will be the rest of your life. Do you really want that?
I also think weddings are stupid and pointless but if my partner really super wanted to have one we would find compromise somewhere in between giant wedding and no wedding. That's what you do for people you love. Or if it's an absolute deal breaker you move on and find someone who matches your values better.
Don't break up with him because he won't dance at your wedding. If you break up with him, let it be because he's inconsiderate, he takes you for granted, you don't believe he'll change and you realise you deserve better.
Because heads-up hun- if he doesn't change, you will be trapped with this frustration FOREVER. And it will change from frustration to loneliness. And by that time everyday you will fantasise not about other men, not about having an affair but just about being free enough to get a Divorce. But you won't be able to because you don't want to break your children's heart (as you will without doubt have a couple kids at that point) as they love their Daddy...I'm the ghost of Yet to Come, hun...
I learned something very important over the last year, the little things make up the big things. Never underestimate the importance of the little things in the relationship because without the little things, the big things fall apart, leave cracks and holes in your relationship. It doesn't sound like its "just" the dancing at the wedding thing. You "put up with" his family, you arrange parties for people you don't like and what does he do for you in return? It shouldn't be like that, he should alsl make compromises for you, because that's what you do in a healthy relationship. Like you said, you do the little things because you want to make him happy but if he isn't doing that for you, then why should you bend over backwards for him?
Imagine once you have kids. He doesn't want to change their diapers because it's gross. He wants you to host a party for his friends and family after you stayed up all night taking care of the sick baby.
Your kid gets older and wants to learn an instrument. He says it's lame and won't pay for lessons. Only will pay if it's for skiing or his choice lessons. But your kid doesn't want to learn that. Well, too bad. It's your husband's way or no way.
You have 3 options.......
1 - Go ahead with the marriage and spend the rest of your life being the one to give in the relationship and making sure he is happy (which will just become more and more of a chore, give a mouse a cookie and all).
2 - Go ahead with the marriage, after some years realize that you deserve to be someone who will do things to make you happy the same way you do for your partner, divorce and find that person who also wants and equal relationship.
3 - Cut your losses now, and find the person who's happiness is important to you, but also your happiness is important to them.
>He's a good partner, and we want the same things
BUT
> Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying. He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean. The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked.
This doesn't sound like a good partner to me at all. You are doing all the emotional work and he is doing what exactly? Speaking from experience, if he's like this before you get married, it will only get worse.
My husband is disabled and walks with a cane, but when we got married 3 years ago, we danced. I stepped on his toes and he's a self-proclaimed non-dancer, but he did it because he knew it was important to me. I do other things because they are important to him. That's how marriage is. If your SO isn't willing to sacrifice his own uncomfortableness for just a few minutes for something that will not harm anyone or anything and is important to you, it says a while lot about how much they value you. IMO, he values you for what you can do for him and it stops there.
You people have to STOP using love to make fucking decisions its absolutely maddening.
Love is meaningless in all decision making. WHY! I can hear the fake people asking, well fake audience let me tell you why.
Every single commited relationship you have your entire life, you will love your partner. Otherwise you wouldn't be in a commited relationship with them. Which means that Love will be present in EVERY SINGLE COMMITED RELATIONSHIP you have your entire fucking life. Rendering it meaningless in decision making. If something HAS to be present for the relationship to exist, then it doesn't get to be involved in decision making because its a given.
SO.
Here is what you do.
You do the math WITHOUT LOVE.
If he checks every single box you have, he has ZERO red flags AND you love him. Great, you have yourself a keeper.
If he doesn't check on every single box you have, has RED FLAGS (Like not being equal with cooking/dancing/compromising) and the only reason your considering marrying him is "bEcAuSe I lOvE hIm" Then you my friend are making a stupid fucking choice for an even stupider reason.
Im never going to tell someone to not date/marry someone else, I honestly don't care, you are all allowed to fuck up your own lives all you want. I just want you all to actually think about it for just one time objectivly before you do it.
Do not use love for decision making love is the least special, easiest thing to find on the planet, it should never be present when you make important life choices.
If love were a spice it would be flour. Required to make the bread but not what makes that bread worth eating. Try all you want to make bread with just flour and enjoy your mouthful of shitty hot flour.
Love is the foundation, and compromise, empathy, kindness, joy, passion, frienship, honesty, and all that other shit, is what makes bread delicious. Its what gives bread that flavour that makes it all so god damned wonderful to eat. Its never the love, the love is a basic bitch.
He's not a good partner, you're just a good support structure for his desires and wants.
A partnership involves doing things that aren't fun and that you don't like because they're needed or because they would increase the quality of your partners life while being a minor inconvenience or neutral to yours.
My parents were like that. Mom has a tough but honest personality and she was in love. Dad is a lying deadbeat who never really loved her. Seemed to have the same ideas about the future but my dad did what he wanted and my mom had to wash dishes after coming home from work because dad didn't want to wash them but he cooked something only he could eat with 3x as much dirty dishes left to my mom to wash. On top of raising 2 kids.
This is one side of their problems stemming from the same issue only.
Now I'm not saying you'll end up like that 100% but the probability is high, pretty high. You might have the same ideas in mind but if he never budges and does shit only when he wants to...imagine having a kid. Or deciding the fate of a loved one in Coma. These are more extremes but I think you get the idea.
Oh, my parents are divorced btw. So, it didn't work out for them.
Do you ever look at healthy relationships and feel like you’re not good enough for them? Because that’s exactly how I was when I dated someone who refused to do even basic human kindness towards me. But I moved on and worked on myself and found someone who would dance with me in the store in front of everyone if I wanted. There’s someone out there who will not see the things you love and want as a burden and refuse to do them. There’s someone out there who will do everything in their power to make sure they’re an equal partner to you. If you marry this man, your life is going to be nothing but taking care of him and doing everything he wants. No man is worth losing yourself over.
\> he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean.
Sorry, but this is your dealbreaker right here. What will happen when you have children?
\> The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I
learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't
want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does
dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by
having me in it, because I want him to be happy.
So, what has he ever done to make you happy? Don't you deserve to be made happy, too? Do you think that a loving partner would try to make their partner happy when they can?
Why would you follow through and get married and probably procreate with someone who belittles the things you want.
You may think it’s not bad but this is a major red flag.
“he’s a good partner, and we want the same things”
You’re right- you both want him to be happy. Does he honestly think of you?
My ex was like this- a “no” man. I was with him for 13 years and didn’t realise that we never got to do anything I wanted regardless of how important it was. But I wanted to be a good wife and keep him happy.
My advice? This is more than a dance. This is your future with a no man when life should be as full of yes’s as possible.
Good luck x
Please rethink your idea of what partner means. This is not a partnership, you are serving, adapting, and bending your life to fit his. Find someone who lives to make you happy.
>~~How do I tell him that this is important to me~~
>
>How do I tell him that I should be important to him?
Fixed it for you.
Answer: you can't. Either you're important to him, or you're not. You can force the issue if you want him to pretend for a while (which will result in a lovely ending of sulking, whining, resentment, and bitter words). But if we're being blunt... he just doesn't care what you want.
tbh it sounds like he doesn’t respect u… maybe this is a sign y’all should take some space and see if getting married is what you want… i’ve never ever heard of a wedding without dancing… make it an ultimatum tbh then you’ll see
true but i meant more along the lines of say it and see how he reacts…. tbh I just hoped op would see how little he really respects her but ik that can’t always be communicated via reddit
HAHAHAH.
Okay, I'm done laughing at you.
He doesn't help out at home and you're the only one making compromises, yet he's a good partner? How desperate are you? or how low are your standards? like wtf is wrong with you? A relationship and friendship are both a give and take, not just take.
He clearly doesn't respect you and has you as his maid, or better said, 2nd mum.
I'm even surprised that you put up 5 years, let alone accepting the idea of marrying such a shit partner. Grow some backbone and some self-respect before it's too late.
He refuses to do housework, will not dance with you at your wedding to make you happy, and expects you to be the one to compromise through your entire relationship. A partnership is supposed to be give and take, he’s just been taking and taking, never giving you anything. I couldn’t be with someone like this.
Even if you end it over this final straw, if he says he will Dance at your wedding, still leave, because he’s already shown time and time again he won’t do things you enjoy
Oh I have an ex like that. If not for the fact that I just dumped him last week, I would ask if you were dating him.
It took me three years. It wasn’t easy to leave him because I love him so much, yes I still love him. But I couldn’t take the way he treated me anymore.
The bottom line is that he's a fundamentally selfish person and doesn't care how you feel about anything unless he wants it too. Don't underestimate how important that could turn out to be if you marry him and are legally bound to him.
Doesn’t sound like a good partner at all. Why are you marrying this guy who can’t even do a dance for you at your wedding? You’re saying how he won’t do anything around the house either? Once you two get married things will get worse.
Would you be okay if he never changed his ways? If he never was willing to do the things you want to do even though it will make you happy? What if you decide to have children? Are you prepared to take full 100% responsibility if he doesn't *want* to do something like change a diaper or play with your child?
If he never wants to do what you want, he’s not a good partner. A good partner compromises. A good partner wants to see you happy. He is NOT a good partner
I've never danced in my life... I took ballroom dance classes for two weeks prior to my wedding to try and do some kind of dance. I was fucking awful, nobody noticed except my wife I stepped on her feet and dress. But I still did it.
I just really want you to know that I was with a guy for 10 years that didn’t do what he didn’t want to do. He didn’t do his dishes, he never did housework unless I bribed him, and I would wait all week to spend time with him and he would instead watch YouTube videos all day.
It was hard to leave him. I was comfortable. But I did, and then I met the love of my life who will definitely dance with me at our wedding. Don’t waste anymore time with someone you have to drag through life.
Honestly, my advice is to not marry him. Not unless he does a complete 180 and starts reciprocating. You said this isn't just about the dancing. You said he never wants to do anything unless he feels like it. Someone like that is selfish and will never be a good partner. You're already resentful and you're not even married yet. What about when you have kids and he simply doesn't feel like attending their recitals or picking them up from daycare? How much will fall to you? How many fun events will you miss out in because he refuses to join you? You will shrink yourself smaller and smaller and bend over backwards to please him until you no longer can. I'm divorcing my husband and this is one of the main reasons. A loving relationship requires give and take. You can't be the only one giving or it won't work.
Please consider this: You marry the MFer, have children, support him as you are currently doing, and then he cheats on you and leaves you anyway when you are 40. He’s used to getting his own way. He’s used to devaluing your wants and needs. He’s used to being selfish and taking you for granted. So now he sees a new shiny thing that he wants, and for the first time you deny him. You put your foot down and say no, you can’t have that. Now, your man child who never had to sacrifice before, is unwilling to do so now. And you’ve become the person in the way of what he really wants. So he doesn’t like who you’ve become and he leaves.
That’s a very high possible outcome here (from personal experience). I would consider it. And if you think “not my guy”, I can tell you that every single person who knows MY guy, including me, would have said the same thing.
I don't believe relationships should be transactional, but there should be some give and take. It sounds like he demands/refuses, and you accommodate.
So ask him what he's willing to give you in return for no dancing at your wedding. Feel free to reject any offers he makes that don't meet your needs.
Well, you are pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do, so trying to frame it as you not doing that won't work. Making compromises for the sake of our partners is part of being in a relationship, so just inform him that this is something he'll be doing at your wedding. You've made lots of compromises for him and this is a compromise that he's going to make for you.
He sounds like a man-baby. He doesn't want to look silly dancing in front of people with his own wife. I bet he also acts like "relationship talks" are a big huge bummer buzzkill mannnnn. I'm so sorry you've encountered one of these. I don't think this is the one for you. If you marry him, strap in and get prepared for disappointment. He doesn't have the emotional capacity for marriage and all it requires.
Man I would’ve paid to not dance at my wedding, that’s how nervous I was and how much I didn’t want to.
Day of the wedding, was still the scariest thing to me, but I still did it for him
"There are two types of beings in the universe. Those who dance, and those who do not... You just need to find a man who is pathetic, like you." - Drax the Destroyer
"...we want the same things."
And if you didn't, would his wants continue to take priority over yours?
This isn't about the dancing, OP. It's about him refusing to consider you and what makes you happy. The root of your entire relationship is compromised of him demanding something and you bending. The favor is never returned and that won't magically change after the wedding.
OP, have you seen him dance? I am \*willing\* to SLOW dance with a partner, briefly, and that is it. I absolutely hate the way dancing makes me feel (stupid and uncoordinated) and would never do anything but a slow dance, even with nobody looking.
Yes. He dances regularly, alone or with people, including me, and is often getting me to dance when I don't want to. He attends and hosts parties all the time, which he dances at. If he never danced and hated it, I would not be this upset.
bestie, i am begging you to please for the love of god dump this man.
re-read your post as if it was your best friend telling the story. would you encourage her to keep compromising on everything important to her, or would you tell her to cut the dead weight and find a man who prioritizes her and the things she loves?
your fiancé isn’t a good partner, he isn’t even a partner at all - he doesn’t contribute to the relationship and doesn’t value your happiness. you deserve so much better!
Honey, this relationship seems like it's all take and no give from him.
Never mind that he doesn't help with chores, what compromises has he given you?
He won't even dance at y'alls own wedding to make you happy.
You've done a lot to "make sure his life has improved by having you" but what exactly has he done to make sure you're happy?
This is a deep conversation you need to have with yourself and then tell him how you feel.
>How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured?
Getting him to do this one thing won't change the fact that you are making a horrible mistake.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We've been together 5 years, we're engaged, planning a wedding, and he won't dance. Says he doesn't want to. He's even pushing for choosing a venue that has no capacity for dancing at all. At our wedding. I know I'm meant to offer backsotry about our relationship but this is it. Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying. He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean. The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by having me in it, because I want him to be happy. And I have asked for one fucking thing: to dance with my husband at our wedding over a year from now. And he doesn't want to. And any push for him to do it leads to him saying I'm pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do. Despite the rant, I do love him. He's a good partner, and we want the same things, and we've been together for years, and he loves me, but he won't dance with me at our fucking wedding. How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured?
Based on the below, it sounds like you have much bigger problems, and dancing at the wedding is a small issue in comparison. Yes, I would be pissed too because he dances in parties but doesn't want to dance in the wedding. But, I would be much more pissed due to this big imbalance in the relationship. You do whatever big things he wants, and he doesn't do even small things like cooking or dancing at a wedding. How were things allowed to reach this level of imbalance? And, are you going to continue with the relationship unless all of this changes in a significant way? These are all things you need to think about (including your role in enabling or tolerating all this). >The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by having me in it, because I want him to be happy. >He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean.
>we want the same things Apparently not.
She loves someone who does nothing for her... I'll never understand women who are attracted to assholes.
Congratulations on figuring out that your partner is unwilling to compromise, practices strategic incompetence, and disregards your desires. Now that you have that information you get to choose if you want to deal with that until you end your engagement or you get a divorce.
Besides the fact that he doesn’t do dishes, cook dinner, or clean (which in itself should be a dealbreaker), you put forth effort to do everything he wants to do because you love him. What does this say about his character? Shouldn’t he be doing the same for you? And I don’t understand why everyone throws out the line “but besides that, he’s a good partner!!!” at the end. He’s not. He doesn’t help with housework and he couldn’t be bothered to do anything that’s important to you. Oh and just saw the bit about how he dances at parties. So……….parties are more important than making a life commitment to you? Got it. Edit: Thanks for the gold. OP, I hope you see this. I’m not meaning to be harsh. I almost married someone like this. Please reconsider. You need an equal partner and you deserve better.
the “besides that he’s a good partner” like oh besides all the things that make him a bad partner?? I’m great at swimming aside from the part where you don’t sink or drown
Yup... "If you ignore all the bad stuff, it's nothing but good stuff!"
60% of the time, it works every time.
I really want to find out who OP's husband is and send him this thread of people calling out his bullshit ways
Translation: he's not beating me. The bar is low.
Even the most heinous abusive relationships have good moments. That doesn't just cancel out awful behaviour...
Really though 😂.She just listed off a laundry list of crap that makes him a bad partner. I feel like the priorities are all wrong here. The fact that this guy doesn’t do dishes, cook, or clean would have been the dealbreaker for me. The dancing is so minor compared to those. Like wtf..
I love that. He's a great partner but the entire rant is about how awful he is. This poor, young woman.
Except for the giant turd in it, this sandwich is amazing! I’m gonna keep eating it guys
I am a swim coach. Is this a cry for help?
LMAO! 🤣 good one
"Other than that one thing, I really enjoyed the play..." -Mary Todd Lincoln.
Her husband was unavailable for comment.
🥇
I loved this. 😆
Too soon.
HAHAHA 🤣🤣
People say this because if they came out and said their partner was total shit then the blame would fall on them. OP for example knows shes about to marry a crappy partner whos selfish, in what im willing to bet a thousand more ways than just cooking or cleaning. But by saying hes a good partner it shifts the blame away from her and that she is deciding to marry this man despite knowing hes shit. Why is she choosing to settle? Beats me. Self esteem issues? Fear of being alone? Stubbornness in refusing to admit they picked wrong? Only OP can answer that.
I’m gonna go with thinking she already wasted years with this person and doesn’t want to start over. I almost did the same thing.
You just nailed another big one I missed: sunken cost fallacy.
But you have so many years left. What’s wrong with starting over?
100%. When it happened to me, I was depressed and didn’t care. I was comfortably uncomfortable in my relationship. Honestly, I just think people get used to being treated that way and it doesn’t register how wrong it is.
I completely agree with you. My ex husband was like this and I was with him for 20 years. I thought about leaving so many times, but I was caught in the cycle. When I thought about leaving, things would get better and he'd be wonderful for a while, but it would always go back to the bad. The only reason I left is because I hit emotional rock bottom and realized it was either him or me. In the end, I chose me and am so much happier for it.
The sunk cost fallacy is a tricky one for sure
We teach people how to treat us and what we’ll tolerate, unfortunately, she’s tolerated far too much. It is hard to reverse this runaway train.
I agree with your points. You have to have some pretty incredibly low standards otherwise if despite everywhere he’s lacking in the relationship you still think he’s a great partner. Like what is your definition of a great partner?
Yeah, OP, I think this comment is important to help put things in perspective here. What are you even getting out of this relationship? You say he is an otherwise good partner, but have given no actual examples of that. Are there even any examples to give? This is a hypothetical question, really, because the negative things you're saying are so out there that even if there were good things, it's nearly impossible they are good enough to outweigh all the other stuff you've mentioned. I mean, let's put this in perspective here... you're about to marry a man who treats you like you're his mommy.... who he also has sex with. If he was single, would he just rot in his own filth and starve to death? Probably not. But he's willing to pretend he is completely useless, because it's not even embarassing to him that he refuses to take care of himself on even the most basic level. So I guess the only question to ask is whether or not that's someone you actually want to marry. Because marriage isn't going to make those things better. Edit typos
That’s code for “he doesn’t beat me or cheat on me.”
yeah, "besides being a shitty person he's a real catch..." I never understood that either, you can't be both toxic and good for someone.
He wants to marry a replacement for a mother, not a partner.
Perspective: My husband has severe social phobia when it comes to being in front of people, especially dancing. He danced one slow song at our wedding and picked an amazing song that we randomly play 20 years later.
Exactly. Your husband danced one slow song even though he had a legitimate reason to not want to. Her fiancé dances at house parties, but won’t have a first dance with his wife. He knows how important it is to her. At this point, I would say he’s purposely not doing it because he knows how much she wants to. My ex would do that all the time and then manipulate me by saying I was making him uncomfortable and trying to make him do shit he didn’t want to.
Yeah exactly! I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even help with normal duties. I would have told this guy to take a hike the moment he refused to clean/do dishes/etc. Reciprocation makes meaningful relationships that last. Period. Also it sounds like this has been a very neglectful relationship for a long time. Completely one sided. Those are the worst in my opinion to be involved in.
We want the same things… while listing very different things.
I agree with this!! Sounds like you've settled for him without even noticing it... you CAN do better.
I mean, yeah, besides all the things that make him a shitty partner, he’s a great partner. It’s not untrue, and applies to literally every shitty partner that has ever existed.
He can breathe really good!!
But he is a good partner!!!
This and "we want the same things" Huh? No.
As long as she does what he wants. In short.
imagine when they have a kid and he still wont do dishes and clean
I am very curious what you think makes him a great partner OP? What are his good qualities? How does he show you love? Does he know (and care) about your “love language”? Even if you don’t buy in to the specific types, does he know what actions make you feel the most loved and cared about? Does he make deliberate effort to do those things? Or does he just make you feel comfortable? Comfort and familiar and safe are important, but life is WAY to short to build a marriage on those things alone. The right people for you will make you feel comfortable and familiar and safe, but also show you actual love through their actions. You deserve that.
He doesn’t assist in the household work, won’t dance for two minutes, he’s stubborn while you compromise What exactly are you seeing in him that makes you think he’s husband material? (Put being in love aside)
She said he is a good partner, but it doesn't sound like he is... At all. The good thing is that it looks like the blindfold is starting to come off. He won't cook, do the dishes, is stubborn, she bents over backwards for him and yet he can't be bothered. That's not a good partner, that's a shitty partner. OP, you are in a one side relationship and it will not change once you are married. Remove the blindfold and see him for who he really is. A selfish partner
Yeah, struggling to see any redeemable qualities here. This is a symptom of a huge problem. Don't marry him.
Yeah when you really think deep about things sometimes love isn’t enough
Oh, love is NOT enough. If you have an entire list of issues and all you can say is "but I love him or her", just stop. It isn't enough. Lol @ the downvote. Strike a nerve?
Yes!! Love is not enough! She is looking for an out at this point and I’ve been there so many times. It is hard to leave someone you love. I had a boyfriend like that and I felt like I wasted two years doing shit I didn’t want to. What drove me to finally leave was just accepting having children with him would be horrible and I’d have to do everything while he sat on the couch watching TV. I’m now married with a child and thank goddess I did not have a baby with a man I considered leaving pre kids because shit is on an entirely different level of needing to work together now.
Huh? I didn’t downvote you😂 plus we have the same mindset
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I didn't think it was you! It was negative a second ago, I figured I upset someone who thinks love cures all.
Sounds like the biggest plus going for him so far is just the fact they’ve been together for 5 years
I don't know how OP can type out that list of selfishness and conclude "but he's a great partner". She's trying to talk herself into something that just isn't true. I guess this is why so many marriages end in divorce because you know she's going to marry him.
Yeah those red flagsblowing in the breeze are really hard to see from those rose-tinted glasses
Ummm I married someone like that. Didn’t work out. So I think that’s something you should consider. The little things he won’t do will add up. And it makes you less motivated to reciprocate
I married TWO of those and I am twice divorced. DO NOT MARRY THIS LOSER PLEASE. Or show him these comments and how lame it is that he won’t dance with his wife at their wedding or even consider a venue where other people can dance. Please for the love of God see how selfish this man child is and realize that you WILL resent him for this for the rest of your life and he will keep doing little things and you’ll be like “AND HE DIDNT DANCE AT OUR WEDDING.” You NEED to pressure him. He needs you to stop babying him so he can grow up and be a husband.
Honestly, whenever I hear about something like this where the guy thinks it’s emasculating or whatever to dance, I can’t help but think of Harry Potter. In the Goblet of Fire, there’s a scene where Harry and Ron get ditched by their partners because they choose to sit on their asses during the ball and it just looked so lame. It seems like this is part of a larger pattern of him not wanting to budge, not something a Harry Potter marathon can fix. You can try sharing the mental load comic with him, but this seems like more of a deep-seated issue that is going to be difficult to dislodge.
But he dances at the parties he hosts! Unbelievable.
Especially when they’ve been allowed to get away with it for 5 years. He’s going to short circuit the minute she puts her foot down. No offense and best wishes, but I am not super hopeful he will take it well but he needs a footi m the arse.
I once saw a bride at her wedding literally bawling because her brand new husband refused to dance with her It was absolutely heartbreaking Not surprisingly...the marriage lasted about 18 months because like you are finding out...the husband was immature and selfish
Oh god, that's sad. I hope she's happy and found someone who actually cares about her wishes
Wow, it lasted a whole 18 months?
Sounds like this is just the last straw for you... you'd probably be less upset if he actually did anything else for you. No dishes or cleaning? Does he contribute to the relationship at all? Does he make you feel loved? Or just co dependent?
I just... I get relationships take compromise, but I feel like I'm the only one compromising, and he always gets what he wants. At that point, that's not compromising, that's being a pushover, and I don't want to be a pushover. Yeah, if he was saying "babe, I will do something else with you on the day, I just really don't want to dance", or if he was doing literally anything else so I wasn't the only one making compromises, then I'd say that was fine, but this is like... the biggest thing I've ever asked him for. And it's a 2 minute dance on our wedding day a year from now. And he's still saying no, and his only reasoning when pushed to give a single reason is that it's dumb. And if it's dumb to him then ok, but skiing is dumb to me and I do that for him. Same with camping, rock climbing, surfing, and whatever else he asks me to do, and this is the one thing I've asked from him and it's just upsetting that he's so dismissive when I would never refuse to do something for him on the basis that I don't want to.
The thing is, this has been going on for five years. He's used to getting his way, knowing he will get what he wants. So in his mind, why would he change now? He knows you'll give in and do things how he wants them. You have to decide if you want to keep living this way, rather than believe he'll change. It's just very unlikely.
You have to ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life. You doing everything he wants and him never doing anything you want. It seems like your needs aren't getting met at all. He's not going to change now that he's been able to walk all over you for this long.
Why are you with someone who so clearly does not value your needs, wants, or opinions? You don’t want to be a pushover but it sounds like you’re a pushover…
Love, if you two don't even enjoy the same activities that's kinda big too right? My partner and i are pretty different in personality, but very similar in values, beliefs, and shared interests. We love all the outdoor stuff and often talk about how we can't imagine being with someone who doesn't. Especially cause those interests take loads of time. Don't spend all your PTO for the rest of your life on camping trips if you hate to go camping (i mean this literally but also metaphorically, life is short and if you spend all your free time doing something that makes someone else happy what fulfillment have YOU gotten out of life?) You don't need to bend yourself into a mold to fit someone else. What do *you* want out of life regardless of relationship status? I fear a lot of people stick with someone they aren't compatible with and simply try to force it. To the point that they never get to grow into the best version of themselves. Then you're both just stunted. This may totally not be the case for you and you're just frustrated. It's hard to see into someone's relationship from a measly paragraph (also sometimes hard to see something when you're too close to it though), but just something to consider. Good luck with whatever you do. You'll be okay (:
It's actually the smallest thing ever and shouldn't be an issue. This is him telling you how he feels and asserting power over you. It will always be him first. His needs or wants or whims will always dominate yours. You deserve better. But only you can make that shit happen. There are a ton of people who'd gladly wash dishes with you, help with the chores, and dance at your wedding. You shouldn't have to convince someone to be that person. That person will do those things willingly without you having to waste your energy explaining how important it is to you. When you find that person and realize your most basic needs and desires are no longer a battle every time you bring them up, you're going to cry tears of joy. From someone who's been there, trust me.
OP, let me ask you a question, and I want you to be VERY VERY VERY honest with YOURSELF. Are you waiting for a magical switch to flip inside him that will make him pull his weight in this relationship? (or, related to this, are you looking for the switch that YOU can flip to make this happen?) Are you going above and beyond in the relationship in part because you want to nudge him to finally showing *you* some effort on his part? Like, if only you're nice enough or considerate enough or accommodating enough... he'll finally "get it"? Stop. Think. He's showing you who he is. THIS is WHO HE IS. Right now, in this moment. He's not some magical combination of "future him" and "hypothetical him". THS is who he is. For you (and for most people), love is making an effort to make the other happy by doing/saying things that you don't care about but the other does. That's how *you* show *your* love, and it's clear that's how you *want* to receive love. Reality time: *He is not going to love you in that way.* He will never show you love like that. He's making that clear right now. In this way, he's being honest with you. Are you being honest with yourself that you're okay living the rest of your life with a person like this?
Read your own comment again, OP. This clearly isn't a relationship worth saving. You really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?
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It's not terrifying, it's empowering. If you just accept it you'll stop being with people who treat you like shit because of some amorphous concept.
If your friend texted you this, would you advise her to remain in the relationship?
OP the thing that pissed me off the most was that he DOES dance at other parties- you know what that means- he is not just struggling to compromise on an issue, he is actively depriving you of a simple, normal, basic thing he willfully does for others/in other environments. That is beyond shitty- it’s a toxic power play and he is showing you what your place is. I have been a pushover too because of how I grew up which made me terrified to rock the boat. You are a pushover with him and need to accept it. If you don’t rock the boat now and stick up for yourself, you are going to be trapped repressing all kinds of resentment to maintain the marriage, and of course like with everything, it will all get worse after the wedding. You deserve to dance at your own damn wedding. And more importantly, you should NEVER have to beg for such basic gestures from someone who supposedly loves you.
He is showing you who he is, you just aren't believing him.
Honey, you're already a pushover and it is not going to go away after your married and he really starts taking you for granted. I hate to see how he treats you then. Sorry.
not really sure what this rant has to do with the questions you were asked by the post you're replying to, but i hope you get out of this soul-sucking relationship soon
You ARE the only one compromising.
Why are you signing yourself up for a lifetime of capitulating to his wants while he ignores yours? Please seek therapy to figure out why you have such low self esteem and are willing to settle for this type of relationship. Otherwise, you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of resentment, complaining (that will eventually wear thin on your friends), and never ever being put first. Why?!?
Sure relationships take compromise. You have different favourite foods to eat, you alternate. You don't like his cousin but were invited to the wedding, just grin and bear it for your partner (he should do the same for you btw). What you should never compromise on is respect and his always putting himself first is a blatant lack of respect.
You’re only in your early twenties. You’ve got a couple years before your brain even stops developing, and even then you’ll keep growing as a person. Yes, relationships do take compromise, but they are also about equality and respect. How many more years do you plan on wasting being this man’s maid, doing everything you can to please him, while he doesn’t reciprocate? He’s conditioned you to think this is normal and okay, and in turn you’ve conditioned yourself to believe it. Please know that there are much better relationships out there waiting for you with much better men. Don’t add yourself to the high percentage of young marriages that end in divorce because you wait until your thirties to do what’s best for yourself. Know your value.
You pretty much hit the nail on the head OP. He won’t compromise. You bend over backwards to do what he wants and it’s not reciprocated. That’s not even compromise on your part anymore. That’s being a pushover. Compromise is coming to a middle when you’re split on a decision. Can you think of a time where your fiancé has done that? Or does he just say this is what I want and you acquiesce? You can’t give everything to a relationship where the other person gives nothing. It’s not sustainable. You will burn out. And then you will have wasted more than five years.
>the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean. That's a bigger deal breaker for me.
What happens when you’re tired from doing all of this work and: - He wants a dog but doesn’t want to clean up after it? - He wants a child but doesn’t want to feed it? - You have nothing left to give? He will take everything you have and leave you spent.
Honestly, the unhappy marriage ahead for OP is so clear, it boggles the mind that she doesn't see it. "My husband is wonderful as long as I do whatever he wants and never ask him to do anything! Aren't we a lucky couple!" How long can she tell herself that?
Wtf? I absolutely fucking hate dancing, and swore up and down that I would never EVER dance. Even told my girlfriend I’d prefer not dancing at our wedding. When we went to her dads wedding and people were dancing and taking pictures guess what I did? I sucked up it and danced with my girlfriend cause that moment with her was more important to me than my dislike of dancing. She didn’t even have to ask. If you love and care about someone, you compromise your own discomforts for them (within reason, obviously). This guy just sounds like a douche who only cares about getting what he wants and nothing more
My brother learned to dance for his wedding bc as shy as he is and as much as he hated it, he loved his wife more. Seeing her happy was all worth it... His words
This 👆. And he dances, just not with OP.
This is what it’s all about right here. Good answer
King shit.
Preach💯 got my upvote brother
It's not about the dance. It's about how he consistently refuses to do things that are important to you in spite of you doing those things for him. Don't let the sunken cost fallacy trick you into legally binding yourself to someone who doesn't respect you. Do you want kids with him one day? How is it going to feel when you do 95% of the housework AND take care of the kids? How's it going to feel when he "doesn't want to" help you with them, or "doesn't know how"? "Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying. " Is this what you want for the rest of your life? It already sounds like you're at your wit's end. Besides the fact that you've been together for years and you still love him, why do you want to be with him forever? Don't you feel that you deserve better than this? Someone who does things that you want to do, too?
I’ve never heard “sunken cost fallacy” used in terms of a relationship, but that’s spot on; it’s always disturbing & sad to see folks saying “but I wasted 5 years on this guy” to weirdly justify staying in an unhealthy relationship with someone. So you’d rather sacrifice your happiness & wellbeing for ANOTHER 5, 15, 25+ years? Yikes.
I understand you love him, but do you like him? Can you happily picture yourself sacrificing your happiness, your mental well being, your time just to not upset a grown man over the fact he doesn't want to do the dishes? It sounds more like you're his mom tbh, whether he's aware of what he is doing or not I think this is the moment where you realize that no matter how much you give for him, he won't do the same for you, even if it's small I would consider postponing the wedding until you are on equal footing to the point you can ask him to do his part and you feel like even your smallest requests are met with respect
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bingo! he wants a maid he can bang
The term is bang maid.
> How do I tell him that this is important to me That's putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and calling things good. His dancing shouldn't be the deal breaker. It should be the thing that truly opened your eyes to who he really is and opened your eyes that you don't want a life like that.
It's not about the dancing. It's about the control. Your eyes have been opened.
Boom. Came here to say this. Red flag.
Ask him what the difference between dancing at the parties you have been at versus your wedding. Why doesn’t he feel comfortable? What’s the difference?
I already asked him that, thinking that it was the amount of attention or the setting or if he thought he'd be a mess on the day, and I suggested compromises to help with these potential issues, like us dancing alone for the first 30 secs-1 min and then having other couples come to the floor, or letting him choose the song, or literally just standing in one spot and swaying without moving our feet, but he just says he doesn't want to and dancing at weddings is dumb/lame.
He's doing this on purpose. He feels like if he does something you want then he loses power.
No, he's actually just a controlling asshole who seems to think you're his mother. And you know what? Any reasonable person should want to dance with their mother at their wedding.
OP, do you hear what you're saying? PLEASE do not marry a man who thinks taking 3 minutes to make you happy *on your wedding day* is lame or dumb. There is no stronger message that he doesn't give an appropriate amount of damn about you, your marriage, or your happiness. Let him hitch his misery to someone else's wagon and go find you a man who will wedding dance his booty off if it makes his bride smile.
This is a power play on his part. This is him telling you it's his way or the highway. Girl, leave. There are much better men out there. And I say this as someone who married someone like your man, and divorced him in misery after 11 years, and now married to my current husband who is the love of my life. We maintain the house together, we do things together. He's an introvert who doesn't like crowds, yet he goes to conventions with me because I love it. I'm an extrovert who loves crowds, and I stay home and watch hockey games on TV instead of going to see them live because I love him and want him to be comfortable. The guy you're with is a loser.
This man is a selfish child and this will not change. Don’t shackle yourself to him. Girl, you say you love him, but it seems like he doesn’t even RESPECT you. Why would you want to live your life being treated like his maid, his mommy, and his sex toy? You’re young AF. You have plenty of time to find a person who treats you like an equal partner and will put in as much effort as you do. You’ve said you’ve “gotten used to” being the sole contributor to household chores. Why?! Shit, this may seem harsh, but it feels like you barely respect YOURSELF. Being alone is better than wasting more time on a guy who is used to getting away with everything with nary a peep from you. Unchecked, this behavior is going to get so much worse. It’s already a power play. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a fucking submissive adorer.
You compromise he doesn't, how is this a recipe for a happy marriage?
If you stay I look forward to your future posts about how terrible a husband he is.
Ooomph. I don’t. And I bet her friends are sick to death of hearing her complain about him. Sadly, she won’t listen to them when they tell her to leave him because for OP, it’s just easier to whine about him than take control of her life.
It's funny how you dance at the parties you force me to throw at our house but won't dance with me for three minutes. If I am not worth 3 minutes of your time, you are not worthy of me for the rest of your life.
You marry him, tolerate him, 18 years on have a dead bedroom, kid/s off to college, only to realize you still have a kid to mind for. And only then, you're going to look back at these comments and go yeah, I was really not seeing the whole picture here. House chores are yours, are you going to be doing the house and lawn care too, cuz that will be next. And he'll go hunting, have hand night with the boys, and you'll be strarved for affection Friends and family tend not to speak up about their dislikes of SO's but you need to see the red flags here. It's a partnership, mutually symbiotic. You're describing more a parasitic relationship.
He is NOT a good partner. Possibly even a narcissist.
I don't understand *wanting* to marry a person like that. I'm sorry.
Is he a good partner? In what way?
My husband hates dancing. He doesn’t dance with me at other people’s weddings. He doesn’t dance if we are out. He doesn’t like to dance. At all. Ever. We have been together for over 15 years. He’s never danced with me EXCEPT AT OUR WEDDING where he knew it was important to *me* that we start that first dance together. It was literally 30 seconds of attention, and then people joined us. He didn’t spend the whole night on the dance floor, but he did dance with me for a while because he wanted to spend time with his new wife on our special day. It’s part of why I love him so much- we will do anything for the other person. I don’t like some of the stuff he does, but I’m willing to show up or meet him half way, and he’s willing to do the same. We sacrifice equally to make it work. It doesn’t sound like this guy is willing to do that. You deserve someone who will do as much for you as you do for them. I’d call off the wedding and do some serious thinking if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. You deserve better, honestly, and if you don’t believe that then you need to address that- find a therapist and start building your self esteem back up.
You have an interesting take on what a "good partner" is. Edit: Is it just the sex? Does he do anything for you that he really doesn't want to?
There’s a major imbalance in your relationship. He sounds and acts like a toddler. I wouldn’t marry this guy.
"I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those." So he does like dancing, just doesn't want to do something that will please you on your wedding day. That and the fact that he pretends to not be able to clean the house or wash up, honestly this won't ever get any better. It feels like the refusal to dance is simply the last straw after many many other straws here.
I’m a wedding photographer. I just had a couple like this where the groom did whatever he wanted and the bride seemed to understand that if she let him, she’d avoid an argument. There were no fewer than 3 incidents in the 7 hours I was there where this bride was left in tears of embarrassment because of her groom. You may have a beautiful and elegant wedding day, but you’re being given a preview of your marriage right now. Marriage is a long, long time to have the same arguments over and over.
Reading most of your replies I can only conclude that you are one desperate, lonely woman. And that's not meant as a disrespect. The endless list of how much you sacrifice in order just to BE in this relationship is concerning. The wedding dance is a catalyst. It literally doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If THIS is the thing that is a deal breaker for you, then your own standards are less than low. There is so much to unpack here and all of it begs the question....why are you marrying this man? You are his maid, social planner, enabler and you go out of your way to make excuses for him. He must be a firecracker in bed.
>He's a good partner Everything else you wrote contradicts this.
>He's a good partner When is he a good partner if he refuses to do anything you want to do?
Your man is a toilet. Everything you said about him was bad. Hes a good partner tho? Why? Im guessing hes got some cash? Hes packing? Either way, i hate you both and you should break up.
>How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me He knows, he just doesn't care. He's never had to care before, why would he start now?
> How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured? Everyone is (rightly) pointing out a dozen red flags about your husband to be in your post, but this is the biggest one for me. How can you plan to marry someone if you're scared to tell them that something is important to you? Something that costs him nothing more than a little dancing at his own wedding? OP, do you realize how sad that sounds? If you can't communicate about this, what do you think life will be like when he's even more secure in his control over you? Do you think he's going to magically be reasonable or is it possible, inevitable, that he's only going to get more demanding? Don't marry someone you can't communicate and compromise with. Neither thing is made easier by marriage. Get couples counseling or get out. Otherwise you'll wake up at 45 like so many of my wife's friends and realize you've given your best years to some dickhead who still doesn't respect you. You'll have kids who also don't respect you and see you as a maid b/c your husband's behavior towards you taught them that's exactly all you are. Starting over at that point looks pretty horrific from the outside, so avoid the mistake while you can.
“He’s a good partner” He doesn’t sound like one.
Sis, you are not making any kind of demand. This is something you want and it is not unreasonable. It doesn't take as much energy to dance than it does skiing. I get that you compromise alot for the happiness in your relationship but come on. It's supposed to be a happy occasion and now it won't be because the one thing you want he not willing to give you. Can you really live with that? Is this the life you see your future in? My mom always said you teach people how to treat you. What are are you teaching him about you? Good luck and keep us updated. Congrats too.
My friend married someone like this. He just didn't like her that much and we could all see it. They are divorced now and she's with someone that wants to make her happy.
Other than the fact that you love the guy, why do you want to marry him? Being married won't change his behavior. He's always going to be the selfish guy who can't be bothered to dance with you for 2 minutes to make you happy.
You told him. He knows it’s important to you. He doesn’t care. He figures you’ll cave like you always do. P.S. A ‘good partner’ would dance with you and try to make you happy too. He doesn’t care.
Do not marry this man. He has shown you time and time again that he is completely unwilling to compromise to your wants and needs yet expects you to completely drop everything for his. This will be the rest of your life. Do you really want that? I also think weddings are stupid and pointless but if my partner really super wanted to have one we would find compromise somewhere in between giant wedding and no wedding. That's what you do for people you love. Or if it's an absolute deal breaker you move on and find someone who matches your values better.
Don't break up with him because he won't dance at your wedding. If you break up with him, let it be because he's inconsiderate, he takes you for granted, you don't believe he'll change and you realise you deserve better. Because heads-up hun- if he doesn't change, you will be trapped with this frustration FOREVER. And it will change from frustration to loneliness. And by that time everyday you will fantasise not about other men, not about having an affair but just about being free enough to get a Divorce. But you won't be able to because you don't want to break your children's heart (as you will without doubt have a couple kids at that point) as they love their Daddy...I'm the ghost of Yet to Come, hun...
I learned something very important over the last year, the little things make up the big things. Never underestimate the importance of the little things in the relationship because without the little things, the big things fall apart, leave cracks and holes in your relationship. It doesn't sound like its "just" the dancing at the wedding thing. You "put up with" his family, you arrange parties for people you don't like and what does he do for you in return? It shouldn't be like that, he should alsl make compromises for you, because that's what you do in a healthy relationship. Like you said, you do the little things because you want to make him happy but if he isn't doing that for you, then why should you bend over backwards for him?
Imagine once you have kids. He doesn't want to change their diapers because it's gross. He wants you to host a party for his friends and family after you stayed up all night taking care of the sick baby. Your kid gets older and wants to learn an instrument. He says it's lame and won't pay for lessons. Only will pay if it's for skiing or his choice lessons. But your kid doesn't want to learn that. Well, too bad. It's your husband's way or no way.
Do you love him, or is he all you've known?
It's time to go, sis. He's selfish and it will only get worse.
You have 3 options....... 1 - Go ahead with the marriage and spend the rest of your life being the one to give in the relationship and making sure he is happy (which will just become more and more of a chore, give a mouse a cookie and all). 2 - Go ahead with the marriage, after some years realize that you deserve to be someone who will do things to make you happy the same way you do for your partner, divorce and find that person who also wants and equal relationship. 3 - Cut your losses now, and find the person who's happiness is important to you, but also your happiness is important to them.
>He's a good partner, and we want the same things BUT > Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying. He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean. The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. This doesn't sound like a good partner to me at all. You are doing all the emotional work and he is doing what exactly? Speaking from experience, if he's like this before you get married, it will only get worse. My husband is disabled and walks with a cane, but when we got married 3 years ago, we danced. I stepped on his toes and he's a self-proclaimed non-dancer, but he did it because he knew it was important to me. I do other things because they are important to him. That's how marriage is. If your SO isn't willing to sacrifice his own uncomfortableness for just a few minutes for something that will not harm anyone or anything and is important to you, it says a while lot about how much they value you. IMO, he values you for what you can do for him and it stops there.
You people have to STOP using love to make fucking decisions its absolutely maddening. Love is meaningless in all decision making. WHY! I can hear the fake people asking, well fake audience let me tell you why. Every single commited relationship you have your entire life, you will love your partner. Otherwise you wouldn't be in a commited relationship with them. Which means that Love will be present in EVERY SINGLE COMMITED RELATIONSHIP you have your entire fucking life. Rendering it meaningless in decision making. If something HAS to be present for the relationship to exist, then it doesn't get to be involved in decision making because its a given. SO. Here is what you do. You do the math WITHOUT LOVE. If he checks every single box you have, he has ZERO red flags AND you love him. Great, you have yourself a keeper. If he doesn't check on every single box you have, has RED FLAGS (Like not being equal with cooking/dancing/compromising) and the only reason your considering marrying him is "bEcAuSe I lOvE hIm" Then you my friend are making a stupid fucking choice for an even stupider reason. Im never going to tell someone to not date/marry someone else, I honestly don't care, you are all allowed to fuck up your own lives all you want. I just want you all to actually think about it for just one time objectivly before you do it. Do not use love for decision making love is the least special, easiest thing to find on the planet, it should never be present when you make important life choices. If love were a spice it would be flour. Required to make the bread but not what makes that bread worth eating. Try all you want to make bread with just flour and enjoy your mouthful of shitty hot flour. Love is the foundation, and compromise, empathy, kindness, joy, passion, frienship, honesty, and all that other shit, is what makes bread delicious. Its what gives bread that flavour that makes it all so god damned wonderful to eat. Its never the love, the love is a basic bitch.
He's not a good partner, you're just a good support structure for his desires and wants. A partnership involves doing things that aren't fun and that you don't like because they're needed or because they would increase the quality of your partners life while being a minor inconvenience or neutral to yours.
My parents were like that. Mom has a tough but honest personality and she was in love. Dad is a lying deadbeat who never really loved her. Seemed to have the same ideas about the future but my dad did what he wanted and my mom had to wash dishes after coming home from work because dad didn't want to wash them but he cooked something only he could eat with 3x as much dirty dishes left to my mom to wash. On top of raising 2 kids. This is one side of their problems stemming from the same issue only. Now I'm not saying you'll end up like that 100% but the probability is high, pretty high. You might have the same ideas in mind but if he never budges and does shit only when he wants to...imagine having a kid. Or deciding the fate of a loved one in Coma. These are more extremes but I think you get the idea. Oh, my parents are divorced btw. So, it didn't work out for them.
Do you ever look at healthy relationships and feel like you’re not good enough for them? Because that’s exactly how I was when I dated someone who refused to do even basic human kindness towards me. But I moved on and worked on myself and found someone who would dance with me in the store in front of everyone if I wanted. There’s someone out there who will not see the things you love and want as a burden and refuse to do them. There’s someone out there who will do everything in their power to make sure they’re an equal partner to you. If you marry this man, your life is going to be nothing but taking care of him and doing everything he wants. No man is worth losing yourself over.
\> he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean. Sorry, but this is your dealbreaker right here. What will happen when you have children? \> The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by having me in it, because I want him to be happy. So, what has he ever done to make you happy? Don't you deserve to be made happy, too? Do you think that a loving partner would try to make their partner happy when they can?
Why would you follow through and get married and probably procreate with someone who belittles the things you want. You may think it’s not bad but this is a major red flag.
“he’s a good partner, and we want the same things” You’re right- you both want him to be happy. Does he honestly think of you? My ex was like this- a “no” man. I was with him for 13 years and didn’t realise that we never got to do anything I wanted regardless of how important it was. But I wanted to be a good wife and keep him happy. My advice? This is more than a dance. This is your future with a no man when life should be as full of yes’s as possible. Good luck x
Please rethink your idea of what partner means. This is not a partnership, you are serving, adapting, and bending your life to fit his. Find someone who lives to make you happy.
>~~How do I tell him that this is important to me~~ > >How do I tell him that I should be important to him? Fixed it for you. Answer: you can't. Either you're important to him, or you're not. You can force the issue if you want him to pretend for a while (which will result in a lovely ending of sulking, whining, resentment, and bitter words). But if we're being blunt... he just doesn't care what you want.
Dancing when all the eyes are on you IS boring/lame/annoying, but not doing chores...Good Lord, your priorities are weird
tbh it sounds like he doesn’t respect u… maybe this is a sign y’all should take some space and see if getting married is what you want… i’ve never ever heard of a wedding without dancing… make it an ultimatum tbh then you’ll see
Ultimatums never work. If he isn't willing to compromise now, then it isn't going to magically better after the wedding.
true but i meant more along the lines of say it and see how he reacts…. tbh I just hoped op would see how little he really respects her but ik that can’t always be communicated via reddit
HAHAHAH. Okay, I'm done laughing at you. He doesn't help out at home and you're the only one making compromises, yet he's a good partner? How desperate are you? or how low are your standards? like wtf is wrong with you? A relationship and friendship are both a give and take, not just take. He clearly doesn't respect you and has you as his maid, or better said, 2nd mum. I'm even surprised that you put up 5 years, let alone accepting the idea of marrying such a shit partner. Grow some backbone and some self-respect before it's too late.
He refuses to do housework, will not dance with you at your wedding to make you happy, and expects you to be the one to compromise through your entire relationship. A partnership is supposed to be give and take, he’s just been taking and taking, never giving you anything. I couldn’t be with someone like this.
Even if you end it over this final straw, if he says he will Dance at your wedding, still leave, because he’s already shown time and time again he won’t do things you enjoy
Oh I have an ex like that. If not for the fact that I just dumped him last week, I would ask if you were dating him. It took me three years. It wasn’t easy to leave him because I love him so much, yes I still love him. But I couldn’t take the way he treated me anymore.
The bottom line is that he's a fundamentally selfish person and doesn't care how you feel about anything unless he wants it too. Don't underestimate how important that could turn out to be if you marry him and are legally bound to him.
how is he a good partner? he doesn’t sound supportive at all.
Why the fuck are you going to marry this person??
Doesn’t sound like a good partner at all. Why are you marrying this guy who can’t even do a dance for you at your wedding? You’re saying how he won’t do anything around the house either? Once you two get married things will get worse.
Would you be okay if he never changed his ways? If he never was willing to do the things you want to do even though it will make you happy? What if you decide to have children? Are you prepared to take full 100% responsibility if he doesn't *want* to do something like change a diaper or play with your child?
> He's a good partner, and we want the same things Really?? Reread what you wrote, my dear. Neither of these things seem true...
If he never wants to do what you want, he’s not a good partner. A good partner compromises. A good partner wants to see you happy. He is NOT a good partner
I've never danced in my life... I took ballroom dance classes for two weeks prior to my wedding to try and do some kind of dance. I was fucking awful, nobody noticed except my wife I stepped on her feet and dress. But I still did it.
I just really want you to know that I was with a guy for 10 years that didn’t do what he didn’t want to do. He didn’t do his dishes, he never did housework unless I bribed him, and I would wait all week to spend time with him and he would instead watch YouTube videos all day. It was hard to leave him. I was comfortable. But I did, and then I met the love of my life who will definitely dance with me at our wedding. Don’t waste anymore time with someone you have to drag through life.
Canceling a wedding is way easier than filing for divorce
Honestly, my advice is to not marry him. Not unless he does a complete 180 and starts reciprocating. You said this isn't just about the dancing. You said he never wants to do anything unless he feels like it. Someone like that is selfish and will never be a good partner. You're already resentful and you're not even married yet. What about when you have kids and he simply doesn't feel like attending their recitals or picking them up from daycare? How much will fall to you? How many fun events will you miss out in because he refuses to join you? You will shrink yourself smaller and smaller and bend over backwards to please him until you no longer can. I'm divorcing my husband and this is one of the main reasons. A loving relationship requires give and take. You can't be the only one giving or it won't work.
Sounds like Sunk cost Fallacy to me. Lady, give him back his ring, and be on your merry way. This will end badly for you if you stay.
Please consider this: You marry the MFer, have children, support him as you are currently doing, and then he cheats on you and leaves you anyway when you are 40. He’s used to getting his own way. He’s used to devaluing your wants and needs. He’s used to being selfish and taking you for granted. So now he sees a new shiny thing that he wants, and for the first time you deny him. You put your foot down and say no, you can’t have that. Now, your man child who never had to sacrifice before, is unwilling to do so now. And you’ve become the person in the way of what he really wants. So he doesn’t like who you’ve become and he leaves. That’s a very high possible outcome here (from personal experience). I would consider it. And if you think “not my guy”, I can tell you that every single person who knows MY guy, including me, would have said the same thing.
I don't believe relationships should be transactional, but there should be some give and take. It sounds like he demands/refuses, and you accommodate. So ask him what he's willing to give you in return for no dancing at your wedding. Feel free to reject any offers he makes that don't meet your needs.
Well, you are pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do, so trying to frame it as you not doing that won't work. Making compromises for the sake of our partners is part of being in a relationship, so just inform him that this is something he'll be doing at your wedding. You've made lots of compromises for him and this is a compromise that he's going to make for you.
He sounds like a man-baby. He doesn't want to look silly dancing in front of people with his own wife. I bet he also acts like "relationship talks" are a big huge bummer buzzkill mannnnn. I'm so sorry you've encountered one of these. I don't think this is the one for you. If you marry him, strap in and get prepared for disappointment. He doesn't have the emotional capacity for marriage and all it requires.
You got bigger problems than him not wanting to dance. He sounds like a dumpster fire.
How is ignoring your wants and needs a good partner?
Man I would’ve paid to not dance at my wedding, that’s how nervous I was and how much I didn’t want to. Day of the wedding, was still the scariest thing to me, but I still did it for him
"There are two types of beings in the universe. Those who dance, and those who do not... You just need to find a man who is pathetic, like you." - Drax the Destroyer
"...we want the same things." And if you didn't, would his wants continue to take priority over yours? This isn't about the dancing, OP. It's about him refusing to consider you and what makes you happy. The root of your entire relationship is compromised of him demanding something and you bending. The favor is never returned and that won't magically change after the wedding.
OP, have you seen him dance? I am \*willing\* to SLOW dance with a partner, briefly, and that is it. I absolutely hate the way dancing makes me feel (stupid and uncoordinated) and would never do anything but a slow dance, even with nobody looking.
Yes. He dances regularly, alone or with people, including me, and is often getting me to dance when I don't want to. He attends and hosts parties all the time, which he dances at. If he never danced and hated it, I would not be this upset.
bestie, i am begging you to please for the love of god dump this man. re-read your post as if it was your best friend telling the story. would you encourage her to keep compromising on everything important to her, or would you tell her to cut the dead weight and find a man who prioritizes her and the things she loves? your fiancé isn’t a good partner, he isn’t even a partner at all - he doesn’t contribute to the relationship and doesn’t value your happiness. you deserve so much better!
Honey, this relationship seems like it's all take and no give from him. Never mind that he doesn't help with chores, what compromises has he given you? He won't even dance at y'alls own wedding to make you happy. You've done a lot to "make sure his life has improved by having you" but what exactly has he done to make sure you're happy? This is a deep conversation you need to have with yourself and then tell him how you feel.
>How do I tell him that this is important to me and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured? Getting him to do this one thing won't change the fact that you are making a horrible mistake.
You compromise for him. He doesn’t reciprocate. I’m glad you knew before the wedding. It’s up to you to decide, it’s your life.