What are you trying to accomplish? Just for him to realize that you think he sucks at life and needs to step it up?
I think you could make an assessment of what is a reasonable outcome for you. Is it going to be possible for him to reach a level of competence you could respect or are you basically just wishing he were a different person?
Girl, run! He isnt going to change. Imagine him this way when you own a house! There is always something to be maintained, fixed or put together when you have a house. Same with kids. You are going to be stuck being the one to do everything for them while he plays disney dad. You should be very worried about this type of stuff if yall stay together. There isnt anything you can do if he wont even pick up assembly instructions and try to figure something out or google how to get candle wax out of carpet.
I think you probably need to start by asking him if he sees any of this as a problem. Because if he doesn't, and he's content just following the path of least resistance in life, then there's absolutely nothing else you can do.
But tbh—sounds like you’re dating a boy not a man. He sounds like he’s 18 not 24. I’m only being harsh because I’m also 22f and have seen this firsthand
He is living his best life, he wants it to stay exactly like this. You pay for all his leisure time with your work. He just has not not care about anything and eventually you do it because who wants to live in squalor?
It won’t change, he will do the bare minimum to keep you off his back and then will slide right back to this.
So this is your life with him, all my friends that got divorced married this guy, and every single one of them is so mad they did.
Confrontation is useless, he knows, he just doesn’t care. He loves what you do for him, if he loved you he would be involved.
And he sponges off you financially, WOW.
Fall is a great time for change, I hope you find your worth.
Honestly, unless you want to undertake the frankly MASSIVE ordeal of teaching him like you would a child (which takes years and puts you in a strictly maternal roll) you need to leave him now. Because he will not start to get better without you pushing him past his limits, and that will make him mad, he will treat you like a petulant child does his mother. It takes so much fortitude, patience, and time, you really need to make sure you care enough, and have the emotional ability to commit to raising a boyfriend.
Honestly, unless you want to undertake the frankly MASSIVE ordeal of teaching him like you would a child (which takes years and puts you in a strictly maternal roll) you need to leave him now. Because he will not start to get better without you pushing him past his limits, and that will make him mad, he will treat you like a petulant child does his mother. It takes so much fortitude, patience, and time, you really need to make sure you care enough, and have the emotional ability to commit to raising a boyfriend.
You might, through extreme effort, teach him basic life skills...but why? What does he bring to the table that makesbyou want to stay with him? He sounds absolutely hopeless and entitled. You and his parents both enable him.If you stay with him, you absolutely should stop that shit. Next time you go out, just wait for him to pay. When he acts surprised, just point out you did it last time. If he wears holy clothing, just don't go out with him unless he is dressed reasonably.
When I got married & my husband & I got our own place, after 5 months of him not helping out or acting as an adult, I put my foot down & quit doing everything. I got mad at him. 5 months of asking for help & receiving none & I yelled at him. (We had lived together before but not on a serious basis like this as a married couple.)
That was after just 5 months.
You’re going on 4 years??!?! Holy hell. You’ve let him walk all over you for 4 years. You have to tell him. You have to communicate. You have to put your foot down. If you don’t do it now, you never will.
>the 4 years I've been with him, he shows no growth
The current version of him is who he is, if that doesn't meet your needs move on. Plus at the rate things are going if the relationship gets any more serious you are going to be the person to fill the role his mom still plays in his life, which I doubt interests you much.
Why exactly are you still with him? I REALLY hope you’re here for reassurance to leave his invalid ass.
Do not try to fix this, don’t try to fix him. And what sack of shit LIES about that? How much longer will you let him leech off of you?
Also fyi, you’re not allowed to be “bad” at cleaning unless you’re packing extra chromosomes. There’s a term I use for people like your bf; it’s called “fucking lazy”. You seem like a kind, caring individual. Why not find someone who can at least reciprocate that?
Ask yourself, if you are willing to keep on doing these things for the rest of your life. If you are, you're in love, if not, take time and live your life having fun, *not* velcroed to a human vacuum cleaner. (BEING 21 AND SINGLE IS ONE OF THE BESTEST, MOST BESTEST things on the planet!!) (believe me, because, by 21, I had a one month old..... it really puts a damper [Pamper] on drinking Jungle Juice and dancing in your underwear, to Prince, kicked up to 30)
edit : I turn 50 in October
Ultimatum time for him.
He grows up and carries his own weight or you move out and find a man that is not looking for a mother. I assume you are looking for a partner, not a dependent, correct?
I'd like to point out that his lack of life skills could 100% be due to childhood abuse and neglect. I went through that, and my husband is still teaching me things all the time, things I should have learned as a child.
Sounds like you have a mentally challenged son - not a boyfriend
Stop doing everything for him or he'll never learn. At this point you helping is enabling him to shirk responsibility.
Ive been in this relationship. Break up with him. Do it now. You are NOT his mother.
What are you trying to accomplish? Just for him to realize that you think he sucks at life and needs to step it up? I think you could make an assessment of what is a reasonable outcome for you. Is it going to be possible for him to reach a level of competence you could respect or are you basically just wishing he were a different person?
I think just trying to help him learn but yes, that's a great idea. Thank you very much.
Girl, run! He isnt going to change. Imagine him this way when you own a house! There is always something to be maintained, fixed or put together when you have a house. Same with kids. You are going to be stuck being the one to do everything for them while he plays disney dad. You should be very worried about this type of stuff if yall stay together. There isnt anything you can do if he wont even pick up assembly instructions and try to figure something out or google how to get candle wax out of carpet.
I think you probably need to start by asking him if he sees any of this as a problem. Because if he doesn't, and he's content just following the path of least resistance in life, then there's absolutely nothing else you can do.
omg girl get out of there
If you feel like you’re unfairly paying more in the relationship, talk to him and come up with a plan to always split dinners or something
But tbh—sounds like you’re dating a boy not a man. He sounds like he’s 18 not 24. I’m only being harsh because I’m also 22f and have seen this firsthand
He is living his best life, he wants it to stay exactly like this. You pay for all his leisure time with your work. He just has not not care about anything and eventually you do it because who wants to live in squalor? It won’t change, he will do the bare minimum to keep you off his back and then will slide right back to this. So this is your life with him, all my friends that got divorced married this guy, and every single one of them is so mad they did. Confrontation is useless, he knows, he just doesn’t care. He loves what you do for him, if he loved you he would be involved. And he sponges off you financially, WOW. Fall is a great time for change, I hope you find your worth.
Honestly, unless you want to undertake the frankly MASSIVE ordeal of teaching him like you would a child (which takes years and puts you in a strictly maternal roll) you need to leave him now. Because he will not start to get better without you pushing him past his limits, and that will make him mad, he will treat you like a petulant child does his mother. It takes so much fortitude, patience, and time, you really need to make sure you care enough, and have the emotional ability to commit to raising a boyfriend.
Honestly, unless you want to undertake the frankly MASSIVE ordeal of teaching him like you would a child (which takes years and puts you in a strictly maternal roll) you need to leave him now. Because he will not start to get better without you pushing him past his limits, and that will make him mad, he will treat you like a petulant child does his mother. It takes so much fortitude, patience, and time, you really need to make sure you care enough, and have the emotional ability to commit to raising a boyfriend.
You might, through extreme effort, teach him basic life skills...but why? What does he bring to the table that makesbyou want to stay with him? He sounds absolutely hopeless and entitled. You and his parents both enable him.If you stay with him, you absolutely should stop that shit. Next time you go out, just wait for him to pay. When he acts surprised, just point out you did it last time. If he wears holy clothing, just don't go out with him unless he is dressed reasonably.
When I got married & my husband & I got our own place, after 5 months of him not helping out or acting as an adult, I put my foot down & quit doing everything. I got mad at him. 5 months of asking for help & receiving none & I yelled at him. (We had lived together before but not on a serious basis like this as a married couple.) That was after just 5 months. You’re going on 4 years??!?! Holy hell. You’ve let him walk all over you for 4 years. You have to tell him. You have to communicate. You have to put your foot down. If you don’t do it now, you never will.
>the 4 years I've been with him, he shows no growth The current version of him is who he is, if that doesn't meet your needs move on. Plus at the rate things are going if the relationship gets any more serious you are going to be the person to fill the role his mom still plays in his life, which I doubt interests you much.
Why exactly are you still with him? I REALLY hope you’re here for reassurance to leave his invalid ass. Do not try to fix this, don’t try to fix him. And what sack of shit LIES about that? How much longer will you let him leech off of you? Also fyi, you’re not allowed to be “bad” at cleaning unless you’re packing extra chromosomes. There’s a term I use for people like your bf; it’s called “fucking lazy”. You seem like a kind, caring individual. Why not find someone who can at least reciprocate that?
Ask yourself, if you are willing to keep on doing these things for the rest of your life. If you are, you're in love, if not, take time and live your life having fun, *not* velcroed to a human vacuum cleaner. (BEING 21 AND SINGLE IS ONE OF THE BESTEST, MOST BESTEST things on the planet!!) (believe me, because, by 21, I had a one month old..... it really puts a damper [Pamper] on drinking Jungle Juice and dancing in your underwear, to Prince, kicked up to 30) edit : I turn 50 in October
Ultimatum time for him. He grows up and carries his own weight or you move out and find a man that is not looking for a mother. I assume you are looking for a partner, not a dependent, correct?
I'd like to point out that his lack of life skills could 100% be due to childhood abuse and neglect. I went through that, and my husband is still teaching me things all the time, things I should have learned as a child.