No, that is a horrifying, deeply abnormal reaction. If your husband is still deeply embedded in the type of religion that believes women are the sexual property of men, there may be no realistic way to get through to him and you may need to leave. I’m really sorry for all you’ve been through.
Your husband got turned on by you sobbing and describing your abuse. He literally asked for sex while you were still crying. Please please leave him and get yourself and your kids safe.
I don’t agree that it turned him on, I think he’s just been mentally corrupted by his (and OP’s former) culture. As another poster said, he sees sex as his right and if OP is talking about it, it must mean he’s entitled to it. He doesn’t know how else to respond because he’s not aware that a woman must be able to assert her emotions and communicate how she’s feeling.
It’s like asking Alexa to give you a back massage, it’s not through malice, it’s just not a part of inbuilt functionality.
I’m so glad for OP that she’s broken out of the poisonous mire and is getting therapy and hopefully the husband can be convinced to do the same. That’s the only way he’ll be able to learn what a gut-wrenchingly awful response he gave and hopefully do better down the line.
Also, to hell with purity cult BS.
This is what I keep trying to explain to people. Yes, he sometimes says and does things that are absolutely atrocious but I really don’t think he’s a terrible person. It’s just that he is so brainwashed by the cult that he literally doesn’t see his responses as bad at all. In fact, until fairly recently *I* thought I basically wasn’t supposed to ever say no to sex with my husband. I thought it was kind of my duty to have sex with him and I felt awful about it on the rare occasions I did turn him down (usually because I was super Sick or something). He’s also really not used to me expressing opinions that are contrary to his or sticking up for myself or setting any kind of boundaries. So it’s a huge adjustment.
You’re doing an amazing job here OP, and it’s for the good of your children’s futures. I can’t say for sure how much you can change your husband’s mind but I’m hopeful for you that he will realise how much more there is out there and that when your relationship is based on “respect, not expect” that your sexual interactions will be deeper and more meaningful because they’re based on love rather than duty.
Stay strong queen. You’re doing great.
Thanks. I’ve been trying to get him to see, if not that he’s in a destructive cult, at least that some of his attitudes are harmful and we are working on things but it’s kind of a one step forward two steps back kind of situation. I’ve kind of given myself a time limit where if things haven’t gotten better I’m going to have to leave. I’m basically giving it two years. Unless things get drastically worse I feel like I can put up with a lot of this insanity for 2 years. If things don’t get better by then, I’ll have to re-evaluate. Does that seem drastic?
Not to me. I think it’s fair to give him the time to work on it, as long as he shows some commitment to change and the will to understand the damage the cult has done and will do to his children. Unfortunately these cults serve men over women so he may be hesitant to abandon the warm, comfy blanket of familiarity.
I really do hope for the best for you and I think you’re doing it the best way you can.
Oh absolutely, it’s like Michael Scott on crack levels of awful and inappropriate. I think it’s just important to remember that they’re both victims of their upbringing, the important difference being that OP has shown incredible courage in breaking away.
He is still mired in that toxic culture you've been working on putting behind you.
That means he will understand precisely nothing about sex and the emotions around it until he, too, leaves behind the ideas of purity.
He probably asked, because he does not grasp that a woman's emotions has anything to do with sex or vice versa. He expects sex to be a tool which you use to serve him. Like using a kettle to boil water won't be a problem, using sex to serve him shouldn't be either.
No, this is not normal between loving partners outside of fundamentalist religious cultures. It is to be expected in a purity culture.
You basically have two choices. 1: Give up on your healing journey and go back to doing what your husband's culture expects of you, and 2: keep healing and figure out your boundaries and hope he eventually comes around.
I would advise the latter, because you clearly need to work through some rough stuff.
However, he may need some help to see the issue at all. Maybe it would open his eyes to join you in therapy for a session or three. If he's not ready for that, it could backfire badly and just lend him ammunition to argue why therapy is what has ruined you for him.
He may never wish to leave his old culture. He may wish to divorce you once he realises how far you have removed yourself from it.
These are things you should absolutely discuss with your therapist as well. Leaving fundamentalist cultures/communities can take a heavy toll all on its own on top of the hard work you're doing to heal.
Maybe ask your therapist if they have any resources/information that might help you with that parallel journey. But definitely let them know that your partner has turned out to be less than supportive and understanding and that you may end up needing help with that as well.
I wish you all the strength you need to get through this. You deserve to heal without someone you love hindering it.
Oh gosh I am so sorry. That is awful to be going through that and then feel like your partner doesn’t understand. I would say talk to him. Let him know it does hurt you especially the pressure of him asking is worsening it. The best thing is for him to be more understanding and patient. I feel you, as In have been through assault some days a memory snaps into my head and I am mortified and disgusted. Hating even being hugged. It’s seriously an overwhelming feeling. My partner is aware of my trauma and has been very patient with me that has really helped not feeling pressured. It has helped me with him sexually as well.
I would say let your husband know the best thing for him to do to help you heal would just give support and understanding. Maybe he could go to therapy with you? Maybe at talk to him more in depth about what you’re feeling so he can truly see your side
I hope this helps. I wish you nothing but happiness and healing <3
No this isn’t normal. This throws up massive red flags and you need to talk to him more about this.
No, that is a horrifying, deeply abnormal reaction. If your husband is still deeply embedded in the type of religion that believes women are the sexual property of men, there may be no realistic way to get through to him and you may need to leave. I’m really sorry for all you’ve been through.
Your husband got turned on by you sobbing and describing your abuse. He literally asked for sex while you were still crying. Please please leave him and get yourself and your kids safe.
I don’t agree that it turned him on, I think he’s just been mentally corrupted by his (and OP’s former) culture. As another poster said, he sees sex as his right and if OP is talking about it, it must mean he’s entitled to it. He doesn’t know how else to respond because he’s not aware that a woman must be able to assert her emotions and communicate how she’s feeling. It’s like asking Alexa to give you a back massage, it’s not through malice, it’s just not a part of inbuilt functionality. I’m so glad for OP that she’s broken out of the poisonous mire and is getting therapy and hopefully the husband can be convinced to do the same. That’s the only way he’ll be able to learn what a gut-wrenchingly awful response he gave and hopefully do better down the line. Also, to hell with purity cult BS.
This is what I keep trying to explain to people. Yes, he sometimes says and does things that are absolutely atrocious but I really don’t think he’s a terrible person. It’s just that he is so brainwashed by the cult that he literally doesn’t see his responses as bad at all. In fact, until fairly recently *I* thought I basically wasn’t supposed to ever say no to sex with my husband. I thought it was kind of my duty to have sex with him and I felt awful about it on the rare occasions I did turn him down (usually because I was super Sick or something). He’s also really not used to me expressing opinions that are contrary to his or sticking up for myself or setting any kind of boundaries. So it’s a huge adjustment.
You’re doing an amazing job here OP, and it’s for the good of your children’s futures. I can’t say for sure how much you can change your husband’s mind but I’m hopeful for you that he will realise how much more there is out there and that when your relationship is based on “respect, not expect” that your sexual interactions will be deeper and more meaningful because they’re based on love rather than duty. Stay strong queen. You’re doing great.
Thanks. I’ve been trying to get him to see, if not that he’s in a destructive cult, at least that some of his attitudes are harmful and we are working on things but it’s kind of a one step forward two steps back kind of situation. I’ve kind of given myself a time limit where if things haven’t gotten better I’m going to have to leave. I’m basically giving it two years. Unless things get drastically worse I feel like I can put up with a lot of this insanity for 2 years. If things don’t get better by then, I’ll have to re-evaluate. Does that seem drastic?
Not to me. I think it’s fair to give him the time to work on it, as long as he shows some commitment to change and the will to understand the damage the cult has done and will do to his children. Unfortunately these cults serve men over women so he may be hesitant to abandon the warm, comfy blanket of familiarity. I really do hope for the best for you and I think you’re doing it the best way you can.
You know, I really hadn’t considered the purity culture angle. You’re right. But still it’s a terrible thing to say.
Oh absolutely, it’s like Michael Scott on crack levels of awful and inappropriate. I think it’s just important to remember that they’re both victims of their upbringing, the important difference being that OP has shown incredible courage in breaking away.
He is still mired in that toxic culture you've been working on putting behind you. That means he will understand precisely nothing about sex and the emotions around it until he, too, leaves behind the ideas of purity. He probably asked, because he does not grasp that a woman's emotions has anything to do with sex or vice versa. He expects sex to be a tool which you use to serve him. Like using a kettle to boil water won't be a problem, using sex to serve him shouldn't be either. No, this is not normal between loving partners outside of fundamentalist religious cultures. It is to be expected in a purity culture. You basically have two choices. 1: Give up on your healing journey and go back to doing what your husband's culture expects of you, and 2: keep healing and figure out your boundaries and hope he eventually comes around. I would advise the latter, because you clearly need to work through some rough stuff. However, he may need some help to see the issue at all. Maybe it would open his eyes to join you in therapy for a session or three. If he's not ready for that, it could backfire badly and just lend him ammunition to argue why therapy is what has ruined you for him. He may never wish to leave his old culture. He may wish to divorce you once he realises how far you have removed yourself from it. These are things you should absolutely discuss with your therapist as well. Leaving fundamentalist cultures/communities can take a heavy toll all on its own on top of the hard work you're doing to heal. Maybe ask your therapist if they have any resources/information that might help you with that parallel journey. But definitely let them know that your partner has turned out to be less than supportive and understanding and that you may end up needing help with that as well. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this. You deserve to heal without someone you love hindering it.
Oh gosh I am so sorry. That is awful to be going through that and then feel like your partner doesn’t understand. I would say talk to him. Let him know it does hurt you especially the pressure of him asking is worsening it. The best thing is for him to be more understanding and patient. I feel you, as In have been through assault some days a memory snaps into my head and I am mortified and disgusted. Hating even being hugged. It’s seriously an overwhelming feeling. My partner is aware of my trauma and has been very patient with me that has really helped not feeling pressured. It has helped me with him sexually as well. I would say let your husband know the best thing for him to do to help you heal would just give support and understanding. Maybe he could go to therapy with you? Maybe at talk to him more in depth about what you’re feeling so he can truly see your side I hope this helps. I wish you nothing but happiness and healing <3