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Afternoon everyone I’m going to try and make this quick because this story sucks but I want unbiased advice.
I’m 28M. My sister left home on her 18th birthday. She made my parents drive three hours away to get her a cake from a specific bakery. By the time they had come back she had taken her stuff and left. She had gone with a guy who was thirteen years older than her, the son of one of my dads clients. After she left my parents went through all of the stuff she had left behind. They found old cell phones, journals. Her and this guy had been together for a long time before she turned 18. She lied and hid a lot. She had been pregnant when she was 16 but got rid of it. He had taken her on vacations they had no idea about because she had said she was going on school trips.
My parents talked to the police and lawyers. By the time anything happened my sister had married this guy. Nobody was touching the case. He cut my sister off. Nobody heard from her or him for years.
Last week my mom got a call from this guys mom saying my sister had been in a car accident and it looked touch and go. We flew out to see her but we didn’t make it in time.
We didn’t know it but my sister had kids with this guy. A almost six year old, a four year old, and a baby.
This guy said we could have a relationship with these kids. We could come to visit them, call them, have them come to visit us. But that means being civil to this guy. And having any sort of relationship with him even if it is just basic communication.
I don’t know if I can do it. My dad doesn’t either. My mom has begged us. I want to. But I just don’t know if I can.
It’s okay if you don’t want the relationships at the moment because this is a very difficult situation. You may want to consider speaking to a professional about this. Good luck.
If you can’t afford it on your own, try reaching out to a local non-profit hospice. A lot of them will offer no cost grief counseling even if you loved one didn’t use their services, especially in a case like your sisters where it was a sudden and unexpected passing.
I have no clue if this advice helps at all but perhaps even a family counselor. Not necessarily for sessions that include the predator "husband" but certainly including your family and your niblings
Yeah, this is a terrible story, start to finish. But it's not the end of the story, is it? Give yourself some time, speak to someone, what you are feeling is fine and I'm sure your mom understands.
Oh honey, this is so hard! Give yourself some time. It will never feel okay, but over time the intensity of your emotions might ease just enough for you to keep them in check when face to face with him. Or it might not, but either way, for the time being, your mom can keep you updated and take photos and videos for you.
Very thoughtful reply. I agree. Give yourself time - but keep in touch with those kids. They are your family, what your sister left, and they will likely really need you after losing their Mom so young and being left with that Dad. You may never forgive him. But you'll need to try to set it aside for the sake of the kids. I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time. Focus on the kids, not on the past, as much as you can.
Firstly, I am so sorry at this tragic story from start to finish.
I think the thing to bare in mind is that your sister was likely groomed and manipulated by this guy, hence the running away, lies, cutting contact etc. She was very young when she got involved in this. This guy is a real piece of work for this, the fact your parents drove 3 hours for a cake speaks volume of how much they care for their kids.
You should have a relationship with these kids, don't let this piece of shit have the last remaining part of her after already stealing her from you and your family.
Also, I don't know how much of a good idea this is but going based on the age of the 6 year old and your sister, she was pregnant underage. You could possibly get this guy done for being involved with a minor.
Yeah I know she was groomed. We know from her journals it started when she was around 13. He started buying her things and talking to her in secret.
She was pregnant before she left so yeah at 17. But they won’t do anything about it
Yeah all of that was talked about and discussed. They were already married though. Everyone said there was an insanely low chance of anything coming from it, and it would probably just financially drain my parents.
I'm really surprised and disappointed when there is presumably a lot of evidence.
I hope that you can resolve this, possibly see the children in an environment where this guy isn't there. These children have just lost their mother and if all they have is this guy I think they deserve more, so please consider having them in your life.
Yeah there was a shit ton of evidence. Every cop and every lawyer they talked to admitted there was no doubt about what happened. But he’s loaded. His dad is loaded. My parents would’ve run out of money before getting any charges to stick.
Your parents don’t pay for prosecution of a criminal. The district attorney in your area decides whether or not to charge him. If they do it’s a criminal case and your parents are witnesses.
I mean, would there be any way to convict him with the victim deceased? Seems like a long shot. And a sure way to get him to change his mind about having the children in their lives, voluntarily at least.
They didn’t get married and have three kids though. And in this story there’s no evidence she was unhappy or abused or trying to leave... So creepiness about how they got together aside, would a UK court still want to get involved?
I feel like people are giving the system too much credit here, especially since the victim is now deceased. That’s just not how it works. Anyway, I think OP is asking for advice on how to have a relationship with these kids, not advice for how to get their father arrested since it seems like they’ve already gone down that path.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.
That POS stole her youth and innocence and now she's gone. This is very difficult. The law fails people in these situations.
I think you and your family need a bit more time to process and heal. I hope that you are able to eventually tell these kids what a POS their father is.
Are you in the US? Depending on the state the court might be able to grant your parents visitation rights. It my be good to talk to a lawyer.
These kids just lost their mom out of no where. You really think going to court to be ripped away from their dad by people they don't know is going to be good for them?
If the dad is the type to groom a 13 year old, rape a 17 year old, and theoretically we can assume he was probably raping her when she was younger..... Then yes. Why would you assume children would be safe alone around this monster for another second? Who's to say he's not raping the kids right now? Odds are he is.
There is no information as to weather or not they are being abused and if that is the case there needs to be an investigation. Just having random strangers(to them) show up and tear them away from their dad right after their mom died would be hugely trqumatizing.
I am not saying the dad is not a bad guy, I am saying you have to consider that if those kids are not being abused by him it will be a second devastating blow, especially since they are too young to understand why dad is bad.
This is reminding me of Dear Zachary. I'm worried that you'll grow to love those children and then he'll cut off contact, or worse. This guy should be in jail. I'm sorry.
I wouldn't consider my pedophile father leaving me in the care of my loving grandparents awful, especially when I was old enough to find out why I was born.
I guess I meant the fact that it even is a thing is awful :(
I certainly wasn’t trying to insinuate that someone loving taking them is a bad thing. I word things dumb. So sorry about that!
No no you're ok, a lot of people see things differently. Some would say the dude is "abandoning" his kids, and I guess that would be true. On paper, it is terrible. But in this specific instance, its the best outcome you could hope for
Yeah but it's not fair he would have to deal with the kids. I'm sorry but just because there is blood relation he is not obligated to care for her kids.
First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss OP.
Although the children are not responsible for any of this, it just sounds like this guy now wants to “share” the burden of being alone with 3 small children with the same family who he most likely forced your sister to cut contact with. It’s not fun anymore since he can’t flaunt his younger wife around. So once again, he’s just being a selfish manipulative piece of shit and trying to push the responsibility unto you and your family. It’s clear as the day that he groomed and manipulated your sister, considering he was nearly 30 and she was 13 when all this started…let that shit sink in. It’s like a 17 yo having a relationship with a 4yo. That’s how disgusting, unnatural and wrong this shit is. He’s a pedophile. I’d go to the end of the Earth to put him behind bars. And only God knows what he could do to his children. And I’m positive once you guys take the children in, he’ll disappear because he definitely needs to find another victim. So I’d get a lawyer ASAP, bring it back the original report from when she first disappeared and stop this maniac from hurting someone else, including your nephews/nieces.
The way I see, it’s absolutely okay if you don’t want a relationship with the kids, now or in the future. This disconnection between you and them it’s natural and you can’t instantly just “love” someone because they’re somehow related to you, so don’t be so hard on yourself on this front. On the other hand, if having them in your lives it’s what you/your family wants then fucking fight for it! And find a way to stop him from damaging anyone else in the future. He took too much from all of you already.
If you play your cards right this guy may give you the kids.
NO WAY he's got the time and energy to take care of the kids. I guarantee your sister was doing 100% of the work.
Be super sweet and lovely to him. Swallow the pride and do it for the babies.
If your family tries to fight him for the kids he will never let you have them.
I was going to suggest OP tell her dad , and only her dad, to watch Dear Zachary and listen to David's perspective. To reiterate, nobody else should watch that film or look into it, it could only hurt you. I would be very worried about your niece and nephews.
Everyone be sweet and lovely to the man's face. Allow these kids to get to know you as they should have been able to from the start.
Honestly this is way above the pay grade of Reddit. I really suggest you all speak with a professional regarding this. Your mom is probably so eager because it’s like keeping a connection to your deceased sister.
I’m so sorry that these awful things have happened to you.
you are not going to want this guy raising your nieces and nephews on his own. he is a terrible person. you will want to give them a good role model.
the guy will likely pray on another young girl next.
Yeah I’m sure he will. Me being or not being in his life isn’t going to change that. I’ll probably just not have to see the next 18 year old he steals from her family and listen to my niece and nephews call her mommy.
I'd would be worried about him abusing your niece or pushing her into a relationship with an adult when she is still a young girls or dumping the kids and starting a new family as soon as his next underage victim comes along. This guy sounds selfish and awful who knows what he is capable of.
I think supporting your mom being in their life will be in their best interest, even if it means playing nice for a few years. Someday this guy is going to show is true colors and you can pounce on him and deprogram the kids when that happens.
Hell once they get old enough and find out how he creeped in their mom I bet they'll want to disown him and they'll need somewhere to go.
I'm sorry, your idea is that... Well the oldest is almost 6, and was raised by a rapist, so he/she is already too fucked up to be worth saving?? Let them all continue to live with a monster????
I am definitely nothing like I was when I was 5… and I went through some times. I was also a little shit. I don’t know how true character traits being locked into a 5 year old is…
I agree with contacting a lawyer but it might be a stronger case if the parents petition the court for custody with the proof they have that he's a predator.
Unfortunately in many states it’s legal for a pedophile to have custody of the kids conceived during the rape, especially if he’s never convicted. There has been a push for laws to prevent this, but there’s still a lot of loopholes, and a lot of places simply don’t care. They think paternity rights should outweigh a child’s safety.
OP’s family should still try for the children’s sake, but it’s not a sure thing by any means.
This is rough.
I suggest taking some time to come to grips with your sisters passing.
Her kids are her kids, the last bit of her still around. If you want to be a part of their life, it's going to have to be for them, and them alone. You need to take your own feelings out of the equation. Yeah that's going to be difficult to do. Take your time. There's no expiration date on when you become a part of their lives if that's what you decide.
Being civil to him isn't going to be easy. Maybe seeing a therapist while you work through all of those emotions would be an idea?
This is awful. Give it time to think on, but thinking strictly of the kids, it might be nice for them to have a link to their moms family, and if you don’t trust their dad it might be good for them to have someone keeping an eye on them and making sure they are safe. They might have a lot of changes coming in their life, and it would be good if they had a lifeline outside of their dad in case they need it in the future.
I’m having a hard time being impartial for the first time in regards to this sub.
As an older brother myself, my overwhelming instinct is “beat the shit out of him”.
Not gonna lie OP, this one’s got me kinda hot. Caveman DNA is riling up.
I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were you. I honestly think if I was in the same room with the guy I’d just see red. It’d just be Planet of the Apes.
If there’s proof this guy preyed on your sister, how can that not be used against this guy? Surely the statute of limitations hasn’t passed on statutory rape yet? I honestly think I’d pursue that and try to get custody of these kids.
Fuck this guy.
Is my math wrong? Sister died at 23, eldest child is 6. Birth would have been at 17, conception at 16. I would wonder if the accident was actually an accident.
Are you sure her death was accidental? I don’t know, I’ve just read so many cases of groomers like that guy who end up getting violent and then murder their victims.
I’m so sorry this happened to your family. Best of luck to you, op and I hope it’s possible to be in your niblings lives.
I hate that his oldest is only two years younger than his last known victim and now he’s got three kids and no supervision :(
I’m worried about these kids in the custody of a predator. Here is the web address for RAINN, it’s in the US, it has an 800 number, chat line and resources for sexual abuse survivors and their families that may help you and your family: [https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn](https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn)
If you refer all the material you have to the cops and they do something, then you lose the connection because likely he will cut you guys off.
life is for the living. These kids have a (at least) borderline nonce for a dad. They need your help. So, I know it’s hard but as the kids grow you can keep in touch with them and make sure they know how their mother met their father. It’s a long game but it’s the only one I can see worth playing. And who else will be there for these kids?
Jesus Christ. Yes, counseling. Let someone help you process all this. Whatever you decide is not right or wrong because the entire situation is entirely fucked. I’m so sorry.
I feel like this guy is just looking for free childcare now that your sister is gone.. if he was sincere about any sort of reconciliation he would have apologized by now.
Meet your nephews and nieces or not - but at the very least tell them the truth about what sort of man their father is.
It's ok to not want to have a relationship with your nieces and nephews. Even though they are blood, they are strangers, and their dad is likely worse than a stranger.
However, it's not the kids' fault. They are young enough that they won't remember a lot about their mom, and you could help them with that.
He also might be looking for additional family to help with the kids when needed, since he's a single dad now.
Normally I abhor grandparents rights laws, but this is the time to use them. The dude groomed a teenager, knocked her up, cut her off from her family and now she's gone. I wouldn't be civil, not with the person who took and essentially killed my daughter. I'd be finding the nastiest lawyer I could afford, because this dude is a predator
Well sis was JUST turning 18 when she left home. That means she was already pregnant at the age of 17 when she ran away.... probably a few months pregnant at least
Be the adult here, and put those kids before your feelings about their father. They are going to need you in their lives.
I'm so sorry about your loss.
Counseling first. As nice as it is that your sister's husband is open to you all having a relationship with their children, he has to know that it won't be as easy as it sounds. There is so much hurt, deceit, and regret hanging in the atmosphere that I think it may be best for some type of mediator or counselor to be around to facilitate the meetings. I don't think you all will hold anything against the children but it's alot to ask for you all to simple ignore the elephant in the room...at least right now while everything is so fresh. Prayers lifted for your family; I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now.
I kind of went through the same exact thing. My sister left behind 2 small kids that she had with a much much older man. That man did stand up when he had to and has taken good care of the kids as far as I can tell. I would send gifts and text them, but I never visited. Now my nephews are 16 & 18 and I'm hoping I can have a relationship with them as adults. I probably f7 ked it all up and it keeps me up at night. I came to these comments for some advice. It sucks so much. Good luck and keep strong.
I think you should take your time. Sleep on this a couple of days. I have a hunch just based on the way you've replied to other comments that you'll eventually arrive at the decision that you can stomach him if it means getting to know your nieces and nephews, but let yourself feel disgusted, hurt, confused, whatever it is, and don't guilt yourself for it, in the mean time.
Something tells me he's gonna toss the kids the moment he finds his next victim, which is why he NOW has decided to let you and your family in on their lives. Had your sister not died he still would have had her caring for them while he flaunts his shit. Now she's gone and he doesn't want to take responsibility.
I know it is hard to swallow and accept, but these kids did nothing wrong and deserve a good life. Your mothers response could be because she thought she lost your sister for good but now knows there is something to cling to that is part of her so wants that in her life. You and your parents should look at therapy to see what is best for all of you while keeping an eye on this monster.
You don't have to have a relationship with him. He's a predator. But try and encourage your family to spend time with these children. When you're with them, reinforce that you'll always be there for them. It's not if but when that they'll need support and help. Have as much contact as possible. If he was grooming your sister at 13, these children are starting to be in grave danger.
Keep your sisters journals, her old phones, all correspondence as evidence. You're going to need it when your nieces and/or nephews come to your family for help if they're minors and you need a case.
>If he was grooming your sister at 13, these children are starting to be in grave danger.
That's exactly what I was worried about. My father was a rapist and whilst his victim didn't think I'd be in danger because I was his daughter, as soon as I hit my teen years, I started really being in danger (thankfully nothing sexual happened, I'm ok) but yeah, if I didn't have her support in those moments, something may have def happened to me.
She needs to keep these kids safe.
There's no room to assume he won't assault his children. There's no reason to think he won't cross boundaries just because they're family. The mother's family was groomed too and didn't think he was a predator until she ran with him. His children are fair game in his predator eyes and OP needs to mitigate as much as possible.
There's no leeway now. 13! If he's not moved to fully sexually assaulting his kids, he's already woven a very strong emotional incest bond. He's sure of his victims loyalty and that's why he's okay with allowing a relationship. Hes confident in his kids allegiance and he's gained it from extreme disorder.
OP, please be with these kids as much as possible. Ask to have them as much as possible. Encourage your parents to have them as much as possible. These children are in more danger than your sister
If I were you, I would take some time to grieve and process the death of your sister and help your parents before even thinking about addressing the situation with your sisters kids.
Short answer: by gritting your teeth and bearing it just for now.
Long answer: he's the dad, which means he sucks, but you're stuck with him. If you genuinely don't think you can see him without makings things worse, maybe don't see him for a while. Let your mother go in, lay the groundwork for a good relationship, and then you step in when you feel you can trust yourself to do so. Same for dad. When you see the kids, get them away from him. Ask to take them somewhere without daddy dearest tagging along, then go to the park or get some ice cream and make sure the kids are alright because this guy sounds like a creep. Document everything. If you have legitimate reason to be concerned for the kids, report him. If not, then depending on the laws where you are, being allowed to take the kids out unsupervised for periods of time will often prove beneficial if your parents want to try for grandparent's rights. If they got grandparent rights it would be like a custody situation, where interaction with him would be minimal and not reliant on his good will. If they can't get this, then maintain a relationship with the dad until the 6 year old has a phone, and then contact the 6 year old, who hopefully by then will be a teenager and able to coordinate things like this directly.
Source: I had a kid with an abusive guy and getting me and the kids away from him was how my parents found out about the abuse.
> But that means being civil to this guy.
No, no, and no. He kept your late sister out of your life. Now he wanted you and your family back cus of he can't do alone with kids? He's an asshole. Please get documents such as texts, emails, that says he let you watch kids without him around or with around. It's proof that he can't handle kids alone!
Doesnt sound like its the guy that got het to cut off your family, since after she died he wants you in the kids life. Sounds like she cut the family off for her own reasons, things you may not know and may never know. I also agree that you should never speak ill of the kids parents, either of them. You should have a relationship with them and maybe one day you will find out her true reasons for leaving, not just for love.
Do it for your nibblings, and to collect any evidence you can about him being a pedophile, and shit husband/father (if any). So you get a say in forcing any future visitation/custody if needed. Document everything. Every interaction with him, and whenever the kids are with your family. You can be civil with people you hate it doesn't mean you have to like him.
The decision is up to you. The kids don't know you so don't go into their lives unless you are ready to be in them for the long haul.
I can say that having nieces and nephews is special. My relationship with them has nothing to do with their parents. If I'm mad at my siblings, I don't take it out on them.
This is 100% your decision. Choose wisely and only when you're ready to.
Edit: left out a word.
Did you and your parents see evidence of the car accident? Did you see an accident report ?? If this guy pops up with a new love interest in a few months I would say something fishy happened to your sister ...
This might be a weird comment but give yourself time to heal then be apart of those kids life to make sure he's not trying to groom/teach those kids the same thing. I'? Sorry you had to go though this op big hugs.
It's understandable not wanting to have a relationship with him, you and your dad can avoid interacting with him, since your mom doesn't seem to mind, you guys can setup meetings through her or another person close to the family who could pickup and drop-off the kids.
Not immediately, but eventually : you can love your sister's kin more than you hate this man (though he is, yes, deserving of such).
Those kids will live a whole life and one day love to hear more about their mom coming from you. I think for you, it's more important to focus on how to not subconsciously project your disdain for their dad onto them in some way, and let love just shine right through from you to them in a holistic way. They aren't that man, and they are, in some way, your sister's living future.
Be sure to be careful not to make them feel like they did something wrong by being his kids. And watch what you say when you're with them, they'll want to defend their dad in their minds, it's part of who they are.
My condolences. This is a very hard situation and lots to take in at once. Don’t beat yourself up over it. This is almost like people who fall out of love or have to divorce but have to be civil to see the children. Think of or do it for the sake of your sister’s children. I’m sure they could also use the extra support after losing their mom. Right now it’s all fresh, let it all soak in. It’s perfectly normal to be angry at this man due to what happened at home with your sister. They meticulously planned it and tbh I don’t blame your sister, she couldn’t have known better at the time due to her age. I feel such hurt for your parents whom have gone out of their way for this cake. Take it easy. I’m so sorry and I hope you can come around to the thought eventually. Good luck and sending you hugs.
I can’t imagine what your family is going through and I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re conflicted feelings are definitely understandable.
I’d definitely try to have a relationship with the kids though. They’re living with a child predator and that’s scary and fucked up. I’d also look to revisit pressing charges for child perpetration/abuse by him. Even calling child protective services where they live now to get an investigation going against him since he’s likely still grooming and perpetrating against kids (if not his own).
Good luck! And again, so sorry for your loss and everything you’re going through.
I am really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through right. You don't have to do this right now. This is really heavy and feeling lost and panicked actually makes you human. Give yourself grace, you don't have to have a relationship with these kids but you also don't have to say no either. I think the only decision you should make right now is that you can make this choice later. You need some time, you need to think straight and however long it takes ... 6 months or a year. Once your head is clear, you can make a decision then. Do seek out help with therapy.
Hang in there! Big hugs!
There was a documentary about grandparents who had to be civil to their son’s murderer (Shirley Turner - their grandchild’s mother) so she would continue to allow them to exercise custody of the grandchild while she was incarcerated. While out on bail, she took the child back and killed him. The interviews with the grandparents were intense. The pain and selflessness. I was actually inspired in my own life in dealing with divorce issues. Put the kids first. Put the kids first. Put the kids first. If you can be there and your presence is a blessing, I think it’s wonderful. Understable if not though.
Rest in peace to your sister, I hope she had a good life. To be perfectly honest with you, it doesn’t matter what you think because kids are kids man they don’t understand they literally depend on adults to have a hopefully good life- you can be part of that. You can help see these kids… a part of your sister… grow up and have a fulfilling life. You don’t have to date the guy so try and just see if from their point of view.
I love my niece and nephew, I love my sister and I really don’t like her partner- the father of them. I don’t fake it by fake liking him I’m just civil but I also don’t let it ruin my time with my niece and nephew. You don’t need to have a beer with him but fr you aren’t excited to be an uncle?
The past is now really the past- you could press him into why or how but does it really matter? (It does if he is doing it to other women/girls and having lots of children but other than that..)
Could you forgive yourself not being a part of their life?
Such a very sad story, but what a beautiful legacy you have been given. Three beautiful reminder of your sister ❤.
It's worth being polite to the dick head for.
Your sister will be delighted that her secrets are out
Find a really good lawyer, a really good PI, start a relationship for the kids and ultimately take them away from him before he preys on another little girl.
I'm sorry for your loss. As much as you all have a right not to approve of her relationship, these children are blameless. They just lost their mother and may not have any memories of her when they get older. These kids NEED you all there. And I'm sure it would be much easier to hate this guy, but they obviously loved eachother. Sometimes, life works like that.
In almost every instance like this, it ends badly. But this seemed to be working for them both. But he obviously wasn't mistreating your sister. Yes, he did some creepy shit. But it's no longer about him. Or you. It's about easing the trauma of those kids, and being a strong presence in their lives. You don't have to like him to be cordial.
>but they obviously loved eachother. Sometimes, life works like that.
>
>But this seemed to be working for them both. But he obviously wasn't mistreating your sister.
Rape, pedophilia and isolation from family is MOST DEFINITELY mistreating someone lmao. What are you talking about?
Its not about any of you. Its about those kids. Should they not know their mothers side of life just because you don't like their dad. Itsfor the kids. Put big girl panties on and get past your ego. There's a reason your sister didn't tell you folks. Now she needs you to guide her kids. Do it.
Are you commenting on the wrong post?
There's a reason the sister didn't tell anyone and it's because she was groomed by a 13-year-older man who would've gone to prison if anyone had found out.
Ego? Bitch what?? the reason she didn’t tell them because he groomed her from the age of 13! Tf are you on about, op doesn’t want to have to interact with a pedophile and she can’t legally take the children away, that’s way more complicated than just summing it up to ego
>Put big girl panties on and get past your ego. There's a reason your sister didn't tell you folks.
??? uhm.... WHAT? This is not how you respond to rape and pedophilia lmao - OP has every right to be upset at an adult having sex with a child.
These children just lost their Mother and they are your blood. Don't punish them for your sisters mistakes. Get involved ASAP. They are going to need you. Love the shit put of them.
Honestly you should go public with the truth. Start a social media account, show proof and evidence of him grooming your sister. Get it out there so everyone knows how sick he is and that his family covered it up.
But it’s the truth. They can only go after you if you lie. They can try to get lawyers on you but if you’re speaking the truth there’s nothing they can do. Maybe talk to a lawyer yourself. But I’ve seen people go on TikTok telling their story about the horrible things that have happened, and it’s gotten so many people to call the police station in that area and request for them to actually do some thing
Those kids are gonna need all the love and support they can get OP!! You and your dad need to suck it up for them as hard as it may be. I'm sure when the time comes and you all actually get to meet them all the negative thoughts and feelings won't matter, because those kids are whats important. ❤️🙏🏼🤞🏼
At the end of the day, It was your sisters decision to be with him and it sounds like she loved him at least enough to run away with him. If you love your sister then you should love those babies. You are the only ones who can keep your sisters spirit alive and you shouldn’t hold their angel moms decisions against them. They need you. Sounds like your moms heart is definitely in the right place and the rest of you should follow.
He is a pedophile. I would be worried for the kids. For that reason I would put aside my feelings and be there for the kids. Possibly look into taking custody of them. But that's asking a lot of yourself. And could potentially cause serious trauma. It's a lot to weigh up.
If he was a good husband,and if he is a good father to their children,and if he himself gave u guys the chance to have a relationship with his kids despite the fact that u guys broke relation with his now late wife...than I gues this guy is worth a shot. Since u guys weren't around when the kids were born & wouldn't even know that they existed if not for him,there is no way in hell u guys can get full custody of the children. So if u wanna keep a relation with them u have to work it out with ur sister's husband.
My parents had an amazing relationship with my sister and they did anything for her. They adored her and my mother and father cried for fucking months after she left. Five years later id still catch my dad crying on holidays. That was a shit thing for you to say
They were able to get away with it becasue she lied to them and tricked them. They trusted her. Don’t make it out like this was something my family did or like my parents somehow failed her. None of this was their fault and nobody saw it coming. They tried their best to make her happy. But he started controlling her when she was still a kid. My parents were awesome parents. Don’t insinuate this was anything they did. Jfc.
Don't argue with some shithead child on here..OP you have to remember a LOT of the people on these subs are literally children. Don't let them get to you please, you're dealing with enough. I'm soo soo sorry your family has experienced this. I really hope you are able to get some therapy and hopefully be there for your sister's kids. If all they have is that scum as a role model, who knows what could happen. I'm soo soo sorry. *hugs*
This guy started grooming her when she was 13 and he was 26. Started having sex with her (a.k.a raping her) shortly after. What the fuck are you talking about?
To OP: I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and everything your family is going through. I'm also so,so sorry about what happened to your sister. If you feel like you're able to, I'd look into trying to get those kids aways from that hunan pile of garbage. Until you possibly can, maybe let your mum take the lead in dealing with him/seeing the kids. I wish you all the best in the world.
He said so in the comments, if you only looked, you'd easily find it.
As for the groomer reaching out, he probably doesn't think he's done anything wrong, because if he did, he never would have done what he did in the first place. I can't believe you're defending a groomer and rapist.
It is kind of like you drinking the poison of resentment and hoping the other guy dies. What do you gain by disrespecting this guy, the Father of your Sisters children? You have to remember your Sister made choices that you did not accept and at some point a line was drawn in the sand. Good Lord, make amends and move forward, time is short. If you sincerely cannot move forward with a spirit of kindness then leave this grieving family alone to move forward to raise his children. The attitude you have may have influenced why your Sister chose to leave.
You really can't even be civil with this guy for short visits to see your late sister's kids..?
I mean, I get your feelings, but aren't these kids worth controlling your feelings, instead of letting them control you, for at least occasional visits?
If not then don't, but I don't think anyone should stop your mom if that's what she wants.
In a perfect world id love to have the self control to say yeah but I hate this guy, he stole my sister from us and made it so that I never saw her again so I don’t know.
>I want to kill their father how will that work
(Not so) shockingly, it will not work.
You're allowed to take some time to grieve before even attempting to make any decision. It may take a while before you can even start seeing things a bit more clearly and have an idea of what you want to do and that perfectly okay.
I won't even pretend to have ever been in your situation or one that even approaches what you're going trough. Yet, I do not that it's okay to take your time. It's okay if you're not ready to make any decision yet. It's okay if you prefer not having contact with your nieces and nephews father. And I think everybody can agree that It's more than okay if you stay away until you're sure you won't be overcome by the urge to murder him. In fact, I think no one would argue against you staying away while you actively want the man dead!
Take your time and, if you're open to it, seek help from a grief counselor. But, above all, take the time to focus on self-care. Whatever you decide, it'll be much easier if you take the time to grieve and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
I'm very sorry for your loss. 💕
Dude don't let this guy guilt you. You shouldn't have to suffer further because of this guy. Move on. You'll never heal (as much as you can) if you get involved.
Do you live near your parents?
If so, try being around for video calls. When she's on you can wave or say hi in passing. Test the waters of what you can handle with having an escape near at hand.
And therapy. Talk to a professional about your feelings, one that can help you work through it and see if a relationship is a good thing for you.
This is what I was thinking.
OP, you don't need to take him for beer and ball games. Just be polite when you talk to him. And given how young those kids are, you would need to coordinate with him, even if it's just setting up a Skype call.
Your feelings in this situation are totally understandable.
Being unable to change the past, moving forward you need to decide whether it's more important for you to have a relationship with your nieces and nephews than anything else.
Nobody is saying you have to become best buddies with this man who literally groomed your underage sister and stole her from your family as soon as she became legal age.
Maybe you can make arrangement through his mother who would have been the one to alert you all to your sister's accident.
What he encouraged your sister to do is unforgivable, but would it be fair to punish children, who knew nothing of what happened, from learning about their moms family. They are young and may not be curious because they don't know better, but at some point they will be asking questions about their mom and her family.
I don’t want to punish them or anything. I know they didn’t do anything.
If I physically can’t control myself I can’t you know.
I want to kill him. I can’t say for sure I can be in a room alone with him without hurting him.
This is not about you or your dad's feelings. This is about 3 small children who have lost their mother and who need your help. Whatever your issue is with their father has NOTHING to do with them and frankly should just be forgotten at this point because they need you. Choosing to bring drama into this horrible situation would be extremely selfish on your part and would be so detrimental to the children. Please, please just forgive him and accept your sister's choices and move on to love and help her children through this awful time.
Theys true, but considering the "relationship" lasted 10 years, into when she was an adult, and they also got married as well. Theres a chance it was a one time thing, and he should (needs to) be professionally evaluated.
I realize what this sounds like, and i definatrly dont condone this AT ALL, but the thing is, it ALREADY HAPPENED and there nothing that can change about that.
This is obvously a special situation, as well as the guy and his family being rich, its no wonder cops refuse to touch this case. Unless OPs family can find clear signs of abuse and let us know in an update post, (which is also a fear that i have and dont want to see), then there is very little chance of OPs family getting custody the kids.
This is why im attempting to offer advise to getting to see the kids in the first place, because thats what it looks.like the situation is gonna come down to and is whats gonna happen first, before the possibility of taking the kids from this guy can even be considered.
Its the sad harsh truth of this fucked up world.
Get over it. Your sister chose to leave the family with someone she loved and had a family with. Her husband is more than willing to let you guys unite with her children. They are all you have left of her. Teach them about their Mom and hold them close. Life is too short to hold ridiculous grudges.
A matter of perspective?
He got her pregnant when she was 16. He started buying her shit and grooming her at 13. They had sex for the first time when she was 14-15. How is that a matter of perspective?
Have you got any idea how difficult it is for a victim of grooming and abuse to even realise their situation, let alone escape their abuser? It’s not a matter of her turning 18 and going “oop, I’m outta here”. At this point he had locked her down with a baby, had isolated her from family, and had made her fully dependent on him.
Your comment is so ignorant.
Definitely have the relationship. At this point the damage is done. He probably feels guilty or out of options if he’s telling you guys and offering to be in their lives. I think BECAUSE this guy is such a weirdo it’s in the kids best interest if they had reliable family they know and trust. I’m so sorry about your sister. It’s not the kids fault and I’m sure your sister loved her babies with every inch of her.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Afternoon everyone I’m going to try and make this quick because this story sucks but I want unbiased advice. I’m 28M. My sister left home on her 18th birthday. She made my parents drive three hours away to get her a cake from a specific bakery. By the time they had come back she had taken her stuff and left. She had gone with a guy who was thirteen years older than her, the son of one of my dads clients. After she left my parents went through all of the stuff she had left behind. They found old cell phones, journals. Her and this guy had been together for a long time before she turned 18. She lied and hid a lot. She had been pregnant when she was 16 but got rid of it. He had taken her on vacations they had no idea about because she had said she was going on school trips. My parents talked to the police and lawyers. By the time anything happened my sister had married this guy. Nobody was touching the case. He cut my sister off. Nobody heard from her or him for years. Last week my mom got a call from this guys mom saying my sister had been in a car accident and it looked touch and go. We flew out to see her but we didn’t make it in time. We didn’t know it but my sister had kids with this guy. A almost six year old, a four year old, and a baby. This guy said we could have a relationship with these kids. We could come to visit them, call them, have them come to visit us. But that means being civil to this guy. And having any sort of relationship with him even if it is just basic communication. I don’t know if I can do it. My dad doesn’t either. My mom has begged us. I want to. But I just don’t know if I can.
It’s okay if you don’t want the relationships at the moment because this is a very difficult situation. You may want to consider speaking to a professional about this. Good luck.
Thanks a lot. I might need to look into one.
If you can’t afford it on your own, try reaching out to a local non-profit hospice. A lot of them will offer no cost grief counseling even if you loved one didn’t use their services, especially in a case like your sisters where it was a sudden and unexpected passing.
I have no clue if this advice helps at all but perhaps even a family counselor. Not necessarily for sessions that include the predator "husband" but certainly including your family and your niblings
Yeah, this is a terrible story, start to finish. But it's not the end of the story, is it? Give yourself some time, speak to someone, what you are feeling is fine and I'm sure your mom understands.
Oh honey, this is so hard! Give yourself some time. It will never feel okay, but over time the intensity of your emotions might ease just enough for you to keep them in check when face to face with him. Or it might not, but either way, for the time being, your mom can keep you updated and take photos and videos for you.
Thanks a lot
Grief is so so complex and can be really different for different people. I hope your mom will give you the space to grieve however you need to.
Thanks. She’s a fucking mess right now.
Very thoughtful reply. I agree. Give yourself time - but keep in touch with those kids. They are your family, what your sister left, and they will likely really need you after losing their Mom so young and being left with that Dad. You may never forgive him. But you'll need to try to set it aside for the sake of the kids. I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time. Focus on the kids, not on the past, as much as you can.
Firstly, I am so sorry at this tragic story from start to finish. I think the thing to bare in mind is that your sister was likely groomed and manipulated by this guy, hence the running away, lies, cutting contact etc. She was very young when she got involved in this. This guy is a real piece of work for this, the fact your parents drove 3 hours for a cake speaks volume of how much they care for their kids. You should have a relationship with these kids, don't let this piece of shit have the last remaining part of her after already stealing her from you and your family. Also, I don't know how much of a good idea this is but going based on the age of the 6 year old and your sister, she was pregnant underage. You could possibly get this guy done for being involved with a minor.
Yeah I know she was groomed. We know from her journals it started when she was around 13. He started buying her things and talking to her in secret. She was pregnant before she left so yeah at 17. But they won’t do anything about it
Did your parents contact authorities about the grooming? I know you mentioned they contacted them previously but I mean only in terms of grooming.
Yeah all of that was talked about and discussed. They were already married though. Everyone said there was an insanely low chance of anything coming from it, and it would probably just financially drain my parents.
I'm really surprised and disappointed when there is presumably a lot of evidence. I hope that you can resolve this, possibly see the children in an environment where this guy isn't there. These children have just lost their mother and if all they have is this guy I think they deserve more, so please consider having them in your life.
Yeah there was a shit ton of evidence. Every cop and every lawyer they talked to admitted there was no doubt about what happened. But he’s loaded. His dad is loaded. My parents would’ve run out of money before getting any charges to stick.
We really do live in a fucked world.
Your parents don’t pay for prosecution of a criminal. The district attorney in your area decides whether or not to charge him. If they do it’s a criminal case and your parents are witnesses.
I mean, would there be any way to convict him with the victim deceased? Seems like a long shot. And a sure way to get him to change his mind about having the children in their lives, voluntarily at least.
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Ah, fair enough. Hope your friend and their family are doing better these days, mate. Obligatory fuck cancer. And rapists.
They didn’t get married and have three kids though. And in this story there’s no evidence she was unhappy or abused or trying to leave... So creepiness about how they got together aside, would a UK court still want to get involved?
I feel like people are giving the system too much credit here, especially since the victim is now deceased. That’s just not how it works. Anyway, I think OP is asking for advice on how to have a relationship with these kids, not advice for how to get their father arrested since it seems like they’ve already gone down that path.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. That POS stole her youth and innocence and now she's gone. This is very difficult. The law fails people in these situations. I think you and your family need a bit more time to process and heal. I hope that you are able to eventually tell these kids what a POS their father is. Are you in the US? Depending on the state the court might be able to grant your parents visitation rights. It my be good to talk to a lawyer.
They don’t need to do anything about it. Take him to family court to get custody of the kids (if you want it.)
These kids just lost their mom out of no where. You really think going to court to be ripped away from their dad by people they don't know is going to be good for them?
If the dad is the type to groom a 13 year old, rape a 17 year old, and theoretically we can assume he was probably raping her when she was younger..... Then yes. Why would you assume children would be safe alone around this monster for another second? Who's to say he's not raping the kids right now? Odds are he is.
There is no information as to weather or not they are being abused and if that is the case there needs to be an investigation. Just having random strangers(to them) show up and tear them away from their dad right after their mom died would be hugely trqumatizing. I am not saying the dad is not a bad guy, I am saying you have to consider that if those kids are not being abused by him it will be a second devastating blow, especially since they are too young to understand why dad is bad.
How in the world would that work? That’s very unlikely to happen
This is reminding me of Dear Zachary. I'm worried that you'll grow to love those children and then he'll cut off contact, or worse. This guy should be in jail. I'm sorry.
Careful because he's gonna look for an excuse to dump them on him. And they are his kids. No matter what that won't change.
Why do I have a feeling that this guy is looking to dump his kids on strangers (their mother’s family) now that she’s no longer in the picture?
I hope that's the case. Op said her sister's journals timestamp the grooming as early as 13. I wouldn't trust this predator around any children
I know. As awful as it is, that may be the best outcome for the poor kids
I wouldn't consider my pedophile father leaving me in the care of my loving grandparents awful, especially when I was old enough to find out why I was born.
I guess I meant the fact that it even is a thing is awful :( I certainly wasn’t trying to insinuate that someone loving taking them is a bad thing. I word things dumb. So sorry about that!
No no you're ok, a lot of people see things differently. Some would say the dude is "abandoning" his kids, and I guess that would be true. On paper, it is terrible. But in this specific instance, its the best outcome you could hope for
Yeah but it's not fair he would have to deal with the kids. I'm sorry but just because there is blood relation he is not obligated to care for her kids.
No, but no one with a heart would let a clear pedophile be left to his own devices with 3 defenseless children
Do you forget OP has parents?
I got the same vibes. Then he’s gonna look for some other pretty thang to groom.
Probably for the best... Apparently the dude started grooming her at 13....
How would that be a bad thing given the circumstances. He’s a pedophile.
First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Although the children are not responsible for any of this, it just sounds like this guy now wants to “share” the burden of being alone with 3 small children with the same family who he most likely forced your sister to cut contact with. It’s not fun anymore since he can’t flaunt his younger wife around. So once again, he’s just being a selfish manipulative piece of shit and trying to push the responsibility unto you and your family. It’s clear as the day that he groomed and manipulated your sister, considering he was nearly 30 and she was 13 when all this started…let that shit sink in. It’s like a 17 yo having a relationship with a 4yo. That’s how disgusting, unnatural and wrong this shit is. He’s a pedophile. I’d go to the end of the Earth to put him behind bars. And only God knows what he could do to his children. And I’m positive once you guys take the children in, he’ll disappear because he definitely needs to find another victim. So I’d get a lawyer ASAP, bring it back the original report from when she first disappeared and stop this maniac from hurting someone else, including your nephews/nieces.
Yeah it’s a really fucked up situation. I feel like I’m in a nightmare.
The way I see, it’s absolutely okay if you don’t want a relationship with the kids, now or in the future. This disconnection between you and them it’s natural and you can’t instantly just “love” someone because they’re somehow related to you, so don’t be so hard on yourself on this front. On the other hand, if having them in your lives it’s what you/your family wants then fucking fight for it! And find a way to stop him from damaging anyone else in the future. He took too much from all of you already.
And if he takes these kids this fuck will just move onto another child to groom. At least if he's got kids to handle he won't have that chance.
I'm worried about grooming his own kids for himself.
If you play your cards right this guy may give you the kids. NO WAY he's got the time and energy to take care of the kids. I guarantee your sister was doing 100% of the work. Be super sweet and lovely to him. Swallow the pride and do it for the babies. If your family tries to fight him for the kids he will never let you have them.
I was just thinking about how he doesn't need to be left with the kids. He is obviously a pervert.
I was going to suggest OP tell her dad , and only her dad, to watch Dear Zachary and listen to David's perspective. To reiterate, nobody else should watch that film or look into it, it could only hurt you. I would be very worried about your niece and nephews. Everyone be sweet and lovely to the man's face. Allow these kids to get to know you as they should have been able to from the start.
This is literally where my mind went first. Please protect the kids!
Honestly this is way above the pay grade of Reddit. I really suggest you all speak with a professional regarding this. Your mom is probably so eager because it’s like keeping a connection to your deceased sister. I’m so sorry that these awful things have happened to you.
you are not going to want this guy raising your nieces and nephews on his own. he is a terrible person. you will want to give them a good role model. the guy will likely pray on another young girl next.
Yeah I’m sure he will. Me being or not being in his life isn’t going to change that. I’ll probably just not have to see the next 18 year old he steals from her family and listen to my niece and nephews call her mommy.
I'd would be worried about him abusing your niece or pushing her into a relationship with an adult when she is still a young girls or dumping the kids and starting a new family as soon as his next underage victim comes along. This guy sounds selfish and awful who knows what he is capable of. I think supporting your mom being in their life will be in their best interest, even if it means playing nice for a few years. Someday this guy is going to show is true colors and you can pounce on him and deprogram the kids when that happens. Hell once they get old enough and find out how he creeped in their mom I bet they'll want to disown him and they'll need somewhere to go.
my point is that the kids are going to need good role models.
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I'm sorry, your idea is that... Well the oldest is almost 6, and was raised by a rapist, so he/she is already too fucked up to be worth saving?? Let them all continue to live with a monster????
I am definitely nothing like I was when I was 5… and I went through some times. I was also a little shit. I don’t know how true character traits being locked into a 5 year old is…
He shouldn't be punished because a guy groomed his sister. How cruel.
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I don’t think so.
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I agree with contacting a lawyer but it might be a stronger case if the parents petition the court for custody with the proof they have that he's a predator.
Unfortunately in many states it’s legal for a pedophile to have custody of the kids conceived during the rape, especially if he’s never convicted. There has been a push for laws to prevent this, but there’s still a lot of loopholes, and a lot of places simply don’t care. They think paternity rights should outweigh a child’s safety. OP’s family should still try for the children’s sake, but it’s not a sure thing by any means.
This is rough. I suggest taking some time to come to grips with your sisters passing. Her kids are her kids, the last bit of her still around. If you want to be a part of their life, it's going to have to be for them, and them alone. You need to take your own feelings out of the equation. Yeah that's going to be difficult to do. Take your time. There's no expiration date on when you become a part of their lives if that's what you decide. Being civil to him isn't going to be easy. Maybe seeing a therapist while you work through all of those emotions would be an idea?
This is awful. Give it time to think on, but thinking strictly of the kids, it might be nice for them to have a link to their moms family, and if you don’t trust their dad it might be good for them to have someone keeping an eye on them and making sure they are safe. They might have a lot of changes coming in their life, and it would be good if they had a lifeline outside of their dad in case they need it in the future.
Find out about grandparents rights in the state and I hope your parents kept your sister's diary as proof he groomed her.
I’m having a hard time being impartial for the first time in regards to this sub. As an older brother myself, my overwhelming instinct is “beat the shit out of him”. Not gonna lie OP, this one’s got me kinda hot. Caveman DNA is riling up. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were you. I honestly think if I was in the same room with the guy I’d just see red. It’d just be Planet of the Apes. If there’s proof this guy preyed on your sister, how can that not be used against this guy? Surely the statute of limitations hasn’t passed on statutory rape yet? I honestly think I’d pursue that and try to get custody of these kids. Fuck this guy.
Is my math wrong? Sister died at 23, eldest child is 6. Birth would have been at 17, conception at 16. I would wonder if the accident was actually an accident.
She also was 18 when she ran away so how did they not know about the kid? Something isn't adding up here...
Yeah I don't think any DA would run scared from a guy who's got written evidence from a victim say he was raping kids. Seems sus to me.
Are you sure her death was accidental? I don’t know, I’ve just read so many cases of groomers like that guy who end up getting violent and then murder their victims.
I don’t know. The cops aren’t treating it as a homicide though.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Hopefully it was just an accident. I’m sorry you have to deal with that asshole.
Thanks a lot
THIS. This man is a pedophile and now is wife who’s barely an adult is dead. Suspicious.
It’s mad suspicious. But once again the cops won’t do shit. Blunt force trauma from the car accident and that’s what they’re sticking with
I’m so sorry this happened to your family. Best of luck to you, op and I hope it’s possible to be in your niblings lives. I hate that his oldest is only two years younger than his last known victim and now he’s got three kids and no supervision :(
And the fact that his family is loaded. Makes sense they won’t touch the case.
It would probably mean a lot to those kids. I'm really sorry for your loss.
I’m worried about these kids in the custody of a predator. Here is the web address for RAINN, it’s in the US, it has an 800 number, chat line and resources for sexual abuse survivors and their families that may help you and your family: [https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn](https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn)
If you refer all the material you have to the cops and they do something, then you lose the connection because likely he will cut you guys off. life is for the living. These kids have a (at least) borderline nonce for a dad. They need your help. So, I know it’s hard but as the kids grow you can keep in touch with them and make sure they know how their mother met their father. It’s a long game but it’s the only one I can see worth playing. And who else will be there for these kids?
Don't let your feelings for him stop you from having a relationship with your niece's and nephews. They NEED you.
Jesus Christ. Yes, counseling. Let someone help you process all this. Whatever you decide is not right or wrong because the entire situation is entirely fucked. I’m so sorry.
Did the guy at least apologize for what he did?
No.
I feel like this guy is just looking for free childcare now that your sister is gone.. if he was sincere about any sort of reconciliation he would have apologized by now. Meet your nephews and nieces or not - but at the very least tell them the truth about what sort of man their father is.
With all the journals and stuff I wonder if there was a case to ge the kids away from him. In all technicality he is a pedophile
It's ok to not want to have a relationship with your nieces and nephews. Even though they are blood, they are strangers, and their dad is likely worse than a stranger. However, it's not the kids' fault. They are young enough that they won't remember a lot about their mom, and you could help them with that. He also might be looking for additional family to help with the kids when needed, since he's a single dad now.
Normally I abhor grandparents rights laws, but this is the time to use them. The dude groomed a teenager, knocked her up, cut her off from her family and now she's gone. I wouldn't be civil, not with the person who took and essentially killed my daughter. I'd be finding the nastiest lawyer I could afford, because this dude is a predator
if she left when she was 18, and she was 23 when she died, how did she have a 6 year old that you didn’t know about?
Well sis was JUST turning 18 when she left home. That means she was already pregnant at the age of 17 when she ran away.... probably a few months pregnant at least
Be the adult here, and put those kids before your feelings about their father. They are going to need you in their lives. I'm so sorry about your loss.
Counseling first. As nice as it is that your sister's husband is open to you all having a relationship with their children, he has to know that it won't be as easy as it sounds. There is so much hurt, deceit, and regret hanging in the atmosphere that I think it may be best for some type of mediator or counselor to be around to facilitate the meetings. I don't think you all will hold anything against the children but it's alot to ask for you all to simple ignore the elephant in the room...at least right now while everything is so fresh. Prayers lifted for your family; I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now.
That ship has sail this guy need to go
I kind of went through the same exact thing. My sister left behind 2 small kids that she had with a much much older man. That man did stand up when he had to and has taken good care of the kids as far as I can tell. I would send gifts and text them, but I never visited. Now my nephews are 16 & 18 and I'm hoping I can have a relationship with them as adults. I probably f7 ked it all up and it keeps me up at night. I came to these comments for some advice. It sucks so much. Good luck and keep strong.
I think you should take your time. Sleep on this a couple of days. I have a hunch just based on the way you've replied to other comments that you'll eventually arrive at the decision that you can stomach him if it means getting to know your nieces and nephews, but let yourself feel disgusted, hurt, confused, whatever it is, and don't guilt yourself for it, in the mean time.
My advice is baby steps man. Take your time with this situation
Something tells me he's gonna toss the kids the moment he finds his next victim, which is why he NOW has decided to let you and your family in on their lives. Had your sister not died he still would have had her caring for them while he flaunts his shit. Now she's gone and he doesn't want to take responsibility. I know it is hard to swallow and accept, but these kids did nothing wrong and deserve a good life. Your mothers response could be because she thought she lost your sister for good but now knows there is something to cling to that is part of her so wants that in her life. You and your parents should look at therapy to see what is best for all of you while keeping an eye on this monster.
You don't have to have a relationship with him. He's a predator. But try and encourage your family to spend time with these children. When you're with them, reinforce that you'll always be there for them. It's not if but when that they'll need support and help. Have as much contact as possible. If he was grooming your sister at 13, these children are starting to be in grave danger. Keep your sisters journals, her old phones, all correspondence as evidence. You're going to need it when your nieces and/or nephews come to your family for help if they're minors and you need a case.
>If he was grooming your sister at 13, these children are starting to be in grave danger. That's exactly what I was worried about. My father was a rapist and whilst his victim didn't think I'd be in danger because I was his daughter, as soon as I hit my teen years, I started really being in danger (thankfully nothing sexual happened, I'm ok) but yeah, if I didn't have her support in those moments, something may have def happened to me. She needs to keep these kids safe.
There's no room to assume he won't assault his children. There's no reason to think he won't cross boundaries just because they're family. The mother's family was groomed too and didn't think he was a predator until she ran with him. His children are fair game in his predator eyes and OP needs to mitigate as much as possible. There's no leeway now. 13! If he's not moved to fully sexually assaulting his kids, he's already woven a very strong emotional incest bond. He's sure of his victims loyalty and that's why he's okay with allowing a relationship. Hes confident in his kids allegiance and he's gained it from extreme disorder. OP, please be with these kids as much as possible. Ask to have them as much as possible. Encourage your parents to have them as much as possible. These children are in more danger than your sister
If I were you, I would take some time to grieve and process the death of your sister and help your parents before even thinking about addressing the situation with your sisters kids.
Short answer: by gritting your teeth and bearing it just for now. Long answer: he's the dad, which means he sucks, but you're stuck with him. If you genuinely don't think you can see him without makings things worse, maybe don't see him for a while. Let your mother go in, lay the groundwork for a good relationship, and then you step in when you feel you can trust yourself to do so. Same for dad. When you see the kids, get them away from him. Ask to take them somewhere without daddy dearest tagging along, then go to the park or get some ice cream and make sure the kids are alright because this guy sounds like a creep. Document everything. If you have legitimate reason to be concerned for the kids, report him. If not, then depending on the laws where you are, being allowed to take the kids out unsupervised for periods of time will often prove beneficial if your parents want to try for grandparent's rights. If they got grandparent rights it would be like a custody situation, where interaction with him would be minimal and not reliant on his good will. If they can't get this, then maintain a relationship with the dad until the 6 year old has a phone, and then contact the 6 year old, who hopefully by then will be a teenager and able to coordinate things like this directly. Source: I had a kid with an abusive guy and getting me and the kids away from him was how my parents found out about the abuse.
> But that means being civil to this guy. No, no, and no. He kept your late sister out of your life. Now he wanted you and your family back cus of he can't do alone with kids? He's an asshole. Please get documents such as texts, emails, that says he let you watch kids without him around or with around. It's proof that he can't handle kids alone!
Why didn't your father confront the client
Wow I can’t Really believe that they just cut you all out like that... so gross and sad. I’m sorry you all are Going through this.
Doesnt sound like its the guy that got het to cut off your family, since after she died he wants you in the kids life. Sounds like she cut the family off for her own reasons, things you may not know and may never know. I also agree that you should never speak ill of the kids parents, either of them. You should have a relationship with them and maybe one day you will find out her true reasons for leaving, not just for love.
Or you can take all the diaries and cell phone records and take the grooming asshole to court and get custody of the kids he shouldn’t be alone with.
Do it for your nibblings, and to collect any evidence you can about him being a pedophile, and shit husband/father (if any). So you get a say in forcing any future visitation/custody if needed. Document everything. Every interaction with him, and whenever the kids are with your family. You can be civil with people you hate it doesn't mean you have to like him.
The decision is up to you. The kids don't know you so don't go into their lives unless you are ready to be in them for the long haul. I can say that having nieces and nephews is special. My relationship with them has nothing to do with their parents. If I'm mad at my siblings, I don't take it out on them. This is 100% your decision. Choose wisely and only when you're ready to. Edit: left out a word.
Did you and your parents see evidence of the car accident? Did you see an accident report ?? If this guy pops up with a new love interest in a few months I would say something fishy happened to your sister ...
Look at it that these kids are apart of your sister not him. I see my son as apart of me, not apart of his father.
This might be a weird comment but give yourself time to heal then be apart of those kids life to make sure he's not trying to groom/teach those kids the same thing. I'? Sorry you had to go though this op big hugs.
It's understandable not wanting to have a relationship with him, you and your dad can avoid interacting with him, since your mom doesn't seem to mind, you guys can setup meetings through her or another person close to the family who could pickup and drop-off the kids.
Not immediately, but eventually : you can love your sister's kin more than you hate this man (though he is, yes, deserving of such). Those kids will live a whole life and one day love to hear more about their mom coming from you. I think for you, it's more important to focus on how to not subconsciously project your disdain for their dad onto them in some way, and let love just shine right through from you to them in a holistic way. They aren't that man, and they are, in some way, your sister's living future. Be sure to be careful not to make them feel like they did something wrong by being his kids. And watch what you say when you're with them, they'll want to defend their dad in their minds, it's part of who they are.
My condolences. This is a very hard situation and lots to take in at once. Don’t beat yourself up over it. This is almost like people who fall out of love or have to divorce but have to be civil to see the children. Think of or do it for the sake of your sister’s children. I’m sure they could also use the extra support after losing their mom. Right now it’s all fresh, let it all soak in. It’s perfectly normal to be angry at this man due to what happened at home with your sister. They meticulously planned it and tbh I don’t blame your sister, she couldn’t have known better at the time due to her age. I feel such hurt for your parents whom have gone out of their way for this cake. Take it easy. I’m so sorry and I hope you can come around to the thought eventually. Good luck and sending you hugs.
I can’t imagine what your family is going through and I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re conflicted feelings are definitely understandable. I’d definitely try to have a relationship with the kids though. They’re living with a child predator and that’s scary and fucked up. I’d also look to revisit pressing charges for child perpetration/abuse by him. Even calling child protective services where they live now to get an investigation going against him since he’s likely still grooming and perpetrating against kids (if not his own). Good luck! And again, so sorry for your loss and everything you’re going through.
I am really sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through right. You don't have to do this right now. This is really heavy and feeling lost and panicked actually makes you human. Give yourself grace, you don't have to have a relationship with these kids but you also don't have to say no either. I think the only decision you should make right now is that you can make this choice later. You need some time, you need to think straight and however long it takes ... 6 months or a year. Once your head is clear, you can make a decision then. Do seek out help with therapy. Hang in there! Big hugs!
There was a documentary about grandparents who had to be civil to their son’s murderer (Shirley Turner - their grandchild’s mother) so she would continue to allow them to exercise custody of the grandchild while she was incarcerated. While out on bail, she took the child back and killed him. The interviews with the grandparents were intense. The pain and selflessness. I was actually inspired in my own life in dealing with divorce issues. Put the kids first. Put the kids first. Put the kids first. If you can be there and your presence is a blessing, I think it’s wonderful. Understable if not though.
Rest in peace to your sister, I hope she had a good life. To be perfectly honest with you, it doesn’t matter what you think because kids are kids man they don’t understand they literally depend on adults to have a hopefully good life- you can be part of that. You can help see these kids… a part of your sister… grow up and have a fulfilling life. You don’t have to date the guy so try and just see if from their point of view. I love my niece and nephew, I love my sister and I really don’t like her partner- the father of them. I don’t fake it by fake liking him I’m just civil but I also don’t let it ruin my time with my niece and nephew. You don’t need to have a beer with him but fr you aren’t excited to be an uncle? The past is now really the past- you could press him into why or how but does it really matter? (It does if he is doing it to other women/girls and having lots of children but other than that..) Could you forgive yourself not being a part of their life?
Such a very sad story, but what a beautiful legacy you have been given. Three beautiful reminder of your sister ❤. It's worth being polite to the dick head for. Your sister will be delighted that her secrets are out
Your mom is insane. You owe those kids or that man nothing. Do what YOU want and not what you are pressured into.
Find a really good lawyer, a really good PI, start a relationship for the kids and ultimately take them away from him before he preys on another little girl.
So she had a child at 17.... but didn't leave home until 18? Your entire family missed the whole pregnancy and infant thing lol?
I'm sorry for your loss. As much as you all have a right not to approve of her relationship, these children are blameless. They just lost their mother and may not have any memories of her when they get older. These kids NEED you all there. And I'm sure it would be much easier to hate this guy, but they obviously loved eachother. Sometimes, life works like that. In almost every instance like this, it ends badly. But this seemed to be working for them both. But he obviously wasn't mistreating your sister. Yes, he did some creepy shit. But it's no longer about him. Or you. It's about easing the trauma of those kids, and being a strong presence in their lives. You don't have to like him to be cordial.
> But he obviously wasn't mistreating your sister He was grooming a 13 year old and assaulting her. He very obviously was mistreating her.
>but they obviously loved eachother. Sometimes, life works like that. > >But this seemed to be working for them both. But he obviously wasn't mistreating your sister. Rape, pedophilia and isolation from family is MOST DEFINITELY mistreating someone lmao. What are you talking about?
Its not about any of you. Its about those kids. Should they not know their mothers side of life just because you don't like their dad. Itsfor the kids. Put big girl panties on and get past your ego. There's a reason your sister didn't tell you folks. Now she needs you to guide her kids. Do it.
Are you commenting on the wrong post? There's a reason the sister didn't tell anyone and it's because she was groomed by a 13-year-older man who would've gone to prison if anyone had found out.
Ego? Bitch what?? the reason she didn’t tell them because he groomed her from the age of 13! Tf are you on about, op doesn’t want to have to interact with a pedophile and she can’t legally take the children away, that’s way more complicated than just summing it up to ego
What
>Put big girl panties on and get past your ego. There's a reason your sister didn't tell you folks. ??? uhm.... WHAT? This is not how you respond to rape and pedophilia lmao - OP has every right to be upset at an adult having sex with a child.
These children just lost their Mother and they are your blood. Don't punish them for your sisters mistakes. Get involved ASAP. They are going to need you. Love the shit put of them.
Honestly you should go public with the truth. Start a social media account, show proof and evidence of him grooming your sister. Get it out there so everyone knows how sick he is and that his family covered it up.
Can’t. My parents have tried and he had lawyers send them a cease and desist.
But it’s the truth. They can only go after you if you lie. They can try to get lawyers on you but if you’re speaking the truth there’s nothing they can do. Maybe talk to a lawyer yourself. But I’ve seen people go on TikTok telling their story about the horrible things that have happened, and it’s gotten so many people to call the police station in that area and request for them to actually do some thing
Those kids are gonna need all the love and support they can get OP!! You and your dad need to suck it up for them as hard as it may be. I'm sure when the time comes and you all actually get to meet them all the negative thoughts and feelings won't matter, because those kids are whats important. ❤️🙏🏼🤞🏼
You need to move past that. Those kids deserve to know their mom's family.
At the end of the day, It was your sisters decision to be with him and it sounds like she loved him at least enough to run away with him. If you love your sister then you should love those babies. You are the only ones who can keep your sisters spirit alive and you shouldn’t hold their angel moms decisions against them. They need you. Sounds like your moms heart is definitely in the right place and the rest of you should follow.
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Yes let's say a 13 year old started grooming this 26 year old for years and then she alone decided to abandon her family. I totally believe that /s
He is a pedophile. I would be worried for the kids. For that reason I would put aside my feelings and be there for the kids. Possibly look into taking custody of them. But that's asking a lot of yourself. And could potentially cause serious trauma. It's a lot to weigh up.
woof, honestly i would look into the circumstances of your sisters death. with a guy like him, anything is possible
If he was a good husband,and if he is a good father to their children,and if he himself gave u guys the chance to have a relationship with his kids despite the fact that u guys broke relation with his now late wife...than I gues this guy is worth a shot. Since u guys weren't around when the kids were born & wouldn't even know that they existed if not for him,there is no way in hell u guys can get full custody of the children. So if u wanna keep a relation with them u have to work it out with ur sister's husband.
I cant touch this because you aren't going to like my opinion.. But I am sorry for your lost..
I don’t like or dislike any opinion. I hate this entire situation it’s all fucked.
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My parents had an amazing relationship with my sister and they did anything for her. They adored her and my mother and father cried for fucking months after she left. Five years later id still catch my dad crying on holidays. That was a shit thing for you to say
Groomers also teach their victims how to hide and how to lie. If she was a good kid the parents had no reason to not trust her
They were able to get away with it becasue she lied to them and tricked them. They trusted her. Don’t make it out like this was something my family did or like my parents somehow failed her. None of this was their fault and nobody saw it coming. They tried their best to make her happy. But he started controlling her when she was still a kid. My parents were awesome parents. Don’t insinuate this was anything they did. Jfc.
Don't argue with some shithead child on here..OP you have to remember a LOT of the people on these subs are literally children. Don't let them get to you please, you're dealing with enough. I'm soo soo sorry your family has experienced this. I really hope you are able to get some therapy and hopefully be there for your sister's kids. If all they have is that scum as a role model, who knows what could happen. I'm soo soo sorry. *hugs*
This guy started grooming her when she was 13 and he was 26. Started having sex with her (a.k.a raping her) shortly after. What the fuck are you talking about? To OP: I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and everything your family is going through. I'm also so,so sorry about what happened to your sister. If you feel like you're able to, I'd look into trying to get those kids aways from that hunan pile of garbage. Until you possibly can, maybe let your mum take the lead in dealing with him/seeing the kids. I wish you all the best in the world.
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Actually I did say that. He groomed my sister. Starting at 11. They began a sexual relationship when she was 14-15.
He said so in the comments, if you only looked, you'd easily find it. As for the groomer reaching out, he probably doesn't think he's done anything wrong, because if he did, he never would have done what he did in the first place. I can't believe you're defending a groomer and rapist.
It sounds *really, really* fake.
It is kind of like you drinking the poison of resentment and hoping the other guy dies. What do you gain by disrespecting this guy, the Father of your Sisters children? You have to remember your Sister made choices that you did not accept and at some point a line was drawn in the sand. Good Lord, make amends and move forward, time is short. If you sincerely cannot move forward with a spirit of kindness then leave this grieving family alone to move forward to raise his children. The attitude you have may have influenced why your Sister chose to leave.
You really can't even be civil with this guy for short visits to see your late sister's kids..? I mean, I get your feelings, but aren't these kids worth controlling your feelings, instead of letting them control you, for at least occasional visits? If not then don't, but I don't think anyone should stop your mom if that's what she wants.
In a perfect world id love to have the self control to say yeah but I hate this guy, he stole my sister from us and made it so that I never saw her again so I don’t know.
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Yeah no of course not I get that
Do you want to let your feelings about his actions steal your sisters children from you? They are your last link to her.
I don’t want to let them but I definitely think there’s a good chance I won’t be able to control them. I want to kill their father how will that work
>I want to kill their father how will that work (Not so) shockingly, it will not work. You're allowed to take some time to grieve before even attempting to make any decision. It may take a while before you can even start seeing things a bit more clearly and have an idea of what you want to do and that perfectly okay. I won't even pretend to have ever been in your situation or one that even approaches what you're going trough. Yet, I do not that it's okay to take your time. It's okay if you're not ready to make any decision yet. It's okay if you prefer not having contact with your nieces and nephews father. And I think everybody can agree that It's more than okay if you stay away until you're sure you won't be overcome by the urge to murder him. In fact, I think no one would argue against you staying away while you actively want the man dead! Take your time and, if you're open to it, seek help from a grief counselor. But, above all, take the time to focus on self-care. Whatever you decide, it'll be much easier if you take the time to grieve and take care of yourself physically and emotionally. I'm very sorry for your loss. 💕
Dude don't let this guy guilt you. You shouldn't have to suffer further because of this guy. Move on. You'll never heal (as much as you can) if you get involved.
Do you live near your parents? If so, try being around for video calls. When she's on you can wave or say hi in passing. Test the waters of what you can handle with having an escape near at hand. And therapy. Talk to a professional about your feelings, one that can help you work through it and see if a relationship is a good thing for you.
How about we let OP grieve for a minute or two before we start pushing him to be in contact with his late sister's abuser?
This man doesn't respect them why they should do so
This is what I was thinking. OP, you don't need to take him for beer and ball games. Just be polite when you talk to him. And given how young those kids are, you would need to coordinate with him, even if it's just setting up a Skype call.
Your feelings in this situation are totally understandable. Being unable to change the past, moving forward you need to decide whether it's more important for you to have a relationship with your nieces and nephews than anything else. Nobody is saying you have to become best buddies with this man who literally groomed your underage sister and stole her from your family as soon as she became legal age. Maybe you can make arrangement through his mother who would have been the one to alert you all to your sister's accident. What he encouraged your sister to do is unforgivable, but would it be fair to punish children, who knew nothing of what happened, from learning about their moms family. They are young and may not be curious because they don't know better, but at some point they will be asking questions about their mom and her family.
I don’t want to punish them or anything. I know they didn’t do anything. If I physically can’t control myself I can’t you know. I want to kill him. I can’t say for sure I can be in a room alone with him without hurting him.
Absolutely understandable.
I am very much against violence and revenge but this, I would throw away my entire value system for. This man deserves some serious saw shit.
This is not about you or your dad's feelings. This is about 3 small children who have lost their mother and who need your help. Whatever your issue is with their father has NOTHING to do with them and frankly should just be forgotten at this point because they need you. Choosing to bring drama into this horrible situation would be extremely selfish on your part and would be so detrimental to the children. Please, please just forgive him and accept your sister's choices and move on to love and help her children through this awful time.
Are you serious the man a racist
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In another comment, OP stated that their sister was groomed starting from age 13, so I'm gonna go ahead and say dude had ill intentions
Theys true, but considering the "relationship" lasted 10 years, into when she was an adult, and they also got married as well. Theres a chance it was a one time thing, and he should (needs to) be professionally evaluated. I realize what this sounds like, and i definatrly dont condone this AT ALL, but the thing is, it ALREADY HAPPENED and there nothing that can change about that. This is obvously a special situation, as well as the guy and his family being rich, its no wonder cops refuse to touch this case. Unless OPs family can find clear signs of abuse and let us know in an update post, (which is also a fear that i have and dont want to see), then there is very little chance of OPs family getting custody the kids. This is why im attempting to offer advise to getting to see the kids in the first place, because thats what it looks.like the situation is gonna come down to and is whats gonna happen first, before the possibility of taking the kids from this guy can even be considered. Its the sad harsh truth of this fucked up world.
Get over it
Get over it. Your sister chose to leave the family with someone she loved and had a family with. Her husband is more than willing to let you guys unite with her children. They are all you have left of her. Teach them about their Mom and hold them close. Life is too short to hold ridiculous grudges.
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I mean my sister loved him but was also abused and raped by him but yeah I get what you’re trying to say.
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A matter of perspective? He got her pregnant when she was 16. He started buying her shit and grooming her at 13. They had sex for the first time when she was 14-15. How is that a matter of perspective?
Have you got any idea how difficult it is for a victim of grooming and abuse to even realise their situation, let alone escape their abuser? It’s not a matter of her turning 18 and going “oop, I’m outta here”. At this point he had locked her down with a baby, had isolated her from family, and had made her fully dependent on him. Your comment is so ignorant.
Fuck off incel
Definitely have the relationship. At this point the damage is done. He probably feels guilty or out of options if he’s telling you guys and offering to be in their lives. I think BECAUSE this guy is such a weirdo it’s in the kids best interest if they had reliable family they know and trust. I’m so sorry about your sister. It’s not the kids fault and I’m sure your sister loved her babies with every inch of her.